Reddit mentions of Essential Calculus

You added an extra zero there.

The Feynman Lectures will do the job, can be pretty expensive but you can just look at the online version here.

One book that deals with classical through modern physics is Physics for Scientists and Engineers with Modern Physics by Serway & Jewett. To (re)learn intro physics, really any similar book will do, and you can always get help from online resources, of which there are many.

A good text for Modern Physics on its own is Kenneth Krane's Modern Physics. It has a lot of problems (few physics textbooks don't, and you won't learn physics easily without them) but it has none of the other superfluous things you mention.

As far as math goes, maybe try using Khan Academy or a similar resource up through precalculus. As far as calculus is concerned, I can recommend Stewart's Essential Calculus as a pretty comprehensive textbook which covers a pretty wide area. I can also highly recommend Paul's Online Math Notes to help you learn algebra through calculus and differential equations.

Start here.

Then get through the first half of this. That will give you the knowledge you need to work through this book. Then you can go back to the second book and finish it which will give you the background you need to work through this book.

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But you won't. You'd rather believe some idiot on youtube than put in the effort to learn the beautifully elegant way the world actually works.

Yes, I do! I would highly suggest using Paul's Online Math Notes. I've never used it to specifically try to teach myself an entire course but he's always been an excellent source for when I was ever stuck. Also be warned: Paul assumes you remember some bits of calculus 2!

That being said: download/buy/rent/whatever yourself a textbook! I used this textbook when I took the course. Its expensive because it has calculus 1, 2, and 3 in one giant book (so it would be good for reviewing calculus 2 if you'd like). It's a good textbook (not amazing though) with a nice variety of problems.

I've taught myself a number of courses but calculus was not any of them. I don't have any specific advice for you other than stressing that you should always apply what you learn - don't settle for "oh, I understand this section. I'll just move on to the next section!" w/o first solving at least a dozen or so problems.

Good luck!