Reddit mentions of Uniquely Human: A Different Way of Seeing Autism

Is Occupational Therapy helping with his sensory issues? With my daughter, I had to try several therapists before we found someone who was a good fit and was actually helpful. Are you utilizing a sensory diet at home? (If not, ask your OT to help you with creating a sensory diet at home - super important!) At that age, when I could see my daughter spinning out into bad behavior territory, I'd try to catch it early and redirect her to one of her sensory diet activities instead. Do you have a sensory swing? Those help too.

I think some of this is age, some is sensory issues, some is the autism itself. 2 1/2 was a really, really, really rough age for my autistic daughter. We had many of the same issues you listed. (Don't get me started on tooth brushing!) We have a family therapist who works exclusively with families with autistic children. She told me that the only things that really need to be disciplined are safety issues. (And, by disciplined, I don' ean time outs - discipline means "to teach".) Everything else is negotiable. Things like hitting(me), spitting, etc. I would just ignore and stay calm.

That's not to say I was willing to just let my kid have her way. I did not just give in when she had a tantrum. There were still rules and limits in the house - it was not a free for all. But, instead of disciplining the tantrum with a time out (which always just escalated things into a very bad place) I would ignore any undesirable behavior - letting her vent her frustration without shame or judgment - then when she would start to calm down, I would help her self sooth by either letting her sit on my lap, doing deep breathing with her, redirecting her to one of her "sensory diet" activities that was sure to calm her, etc. And, I always told her what a great job she was doing calming down. That's what I chose to give attention to - the calming down part, not the behavior that preceded it. If that makes sense.

You seem to be aware that kids on the spectrum have more trouble with self regulation than their neurotypical peers. Their reactions are more over the top. But, that doesn't mean there isn't a reason or trigger for their over-the-top reaction in the first place. Your job as a parent to an autistic child is to become a detective. Start taking note of when the behaviors are most likely to occur and the conditions that preceded the behavior. Hopefully, you will begin to notice patterns. Once you can begin to identify the antecedents of his freak outs, start experimenting with altering things to try to trigger less freak outs.

There's a fantastic book that helped me to understand some of the underlying reasons for my daughter's freak outs, recommended to me by our developmental pediatrician: Uniquely Human by Barry Prizant.
https://www.amazon.com/Uniquely-Human-Different-Seeing-Autism-ebook/dp/B00P42X22C
I think every parent should get a copy of this book when their child is diagnosed with autism - it's so incredibly helpful. Once you can begin to understand some of the common reasons underlying common behaviors exhibited by autistic children, you can work toward finding solutions. And, when you find solutions, the behaviors go away. It's not an instant fix, but you're playing the long game here. This approach takes time, but helps immensely.

I also highly recommend you look into the work of Dr Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child. When I found his approach to working with children with challenging behavior (regardless of diagnosis), it was absolutely paradigm-shifting for me and my parenting. I cannot praise his work highly enough:
https://www.livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-parents
He also does a podcast, and you can search by topic specifically for episodes dedicated to using his approach with very young children.

Finally, you know that your child is lacking emotional regulation skills. You can't expect him to just "act right" if he does not have the skills to do so (which goes back to Dr Greene's work, referenced above). You're going to have to teach him those skills as he grows. Look into resources for teaching him self regulation, emotional regulation, and emotional resilience.

Some search terms are "emotional regulation skills for kids", "DBT activities for kids", "teaching "mindfulness to kids", and "coping skills for young kids".

The worst time to try and teach emotional regulation skills is in the heat of a meltdown - instead, you have to work on it when he's calm or only a little bit upset. Even something as simple as learning to take deep breaths when upset was a game changer for my kid. She now spontaneously calms herself with deep breathing when she's getting upset or overwhelmed. OK... not every time (she's only 3) but a lot of times.

That's hat worked for us. Hang in there - you're in a really rough patch. But, this is not forever. Hopefully some of those suggestions are helpful.

Uniquely Human by Barry Prizant

Talk on YouTube by Barry Prizant

Ido in Autismland by Ido Kedar


You’re correct not to ‘punish’. Report anything that you think is abuse. It’s really important. That sounds quite disturbing that your professor would suggest that. It’s easy for that to get out of hand. You’re right to want to take a different approach.