Reddit mentions of You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder

Me too. It saddens me that at 40 years old, I have finally confronted the truth about my ADHD. My whole adult life, I knew I was smart, but I also thought I was stupid, lazy, inherently flawed. I thought I would never be understood, or normal. I envy 'normal' people and I have prayed, and wished I could be like them. I am beginning to accept who I am, and that I can get better. I suggest reading "You Mean I'm Not Stupid, Lazy or Crazy?". Every page has something that has happened in my life.

> Perhaps it's symptomatic of ADHD, which I had been previously diagnosed with?

ADHD can absolutely be a factor in chronic disorganization! Here's some resources that might help you:

The book You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?! by Kate Kelly, et. al.. comes highly recommended from the ADHD world. It's written by adults with ADHD for adults with ADHD to help you understand better your specific challenges and how to overcome them--not just with house cleaning, but with organizing other areas of your life (you can get the audio version at this link if you prefer.)

There's also a ton of videos on YouTube about dealing with housecleaning when you have ADHD. I suggest viewing a few of those to see what can help you.

Finally, don't forget about /r/ADHD. They've discussed housecleaning in the past:

• My house looks like a nightmare. It's causing me to shut down and be overwhelmed. Any tips on staying clean?
  
• Why is it so hard to clean!!!!
  
• need help motivating myself to clean my horrifyingly messy room D:
  
• What are your tips and life hacks for keeping your house/apartment/room/etc clean?
  
• Have trouble keeping your home clean? Try cleaning circuits! (This one is so cool, I'm'a gonna cross-post it to this sub).
  

Fellow black female INFP checking in! So glad I'm not the only one anymore! It's nice to have other people that know what it feels like when people assume that you're mean/stuck-up just for being introverted and not like the extroverted black people in the media. Also the struggle of trying to overcome stereotypes surrounding black academic performance under the added burden of ADHD.

I don't have a lot of real-life resources; everybody suggests therapy but it's hard to find a non-black therapist that understands how your different struggles intersect, or a black therapist that you can trust won't judge you like other black people have done your whole life. Here are some resources that I've personally found helpful and maybe you will, too. My favorite book about adult ADHD is You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?! It talks about everything, from social situations to treatment options. The website IntrovertDear is pretty heavily focused on INFX types and has helped me feel less lonely and more understood. There's also a nice podcast called "Therapy for Black Girls" that focuses on issues that affect the mental health of black women. You can also PM me if you need to talk/vent!

I used to have such problems with this, but it turns out I wasn't "lazy," it was ADHD. It never gets better by willpower alone, but by smart application of coping techniques and medication.

a book that might help

You're not alone!

My diagnosis changed everything for me. I finally had answers to things. It took a long time to realize that I'm not lazy, stupid, or crazy. (That's also the title of a very useful book, by the way. I can recommend it.)

But after getting help, I made it through college--twice! And I tried writing a freaking book, just to show myself I could take on a big project and see it to the end. And I did it! I don't think I ever would have been able to do those things without getting help.

The diagnosis happened and suddenly everything made sense. Or it started to. Hopefully, your visit will open some doors for you. Change things for you like it changed things for me. I'm also upset at having been cheated out of so many years, but there are even more years ahead to be not-cheated-out-of! For us both!

This is very much my experience. My current partner has very similar ADHD presentation to me and every time one of us forgets something or derails a conversation or
takes 3 tries to leave the house there's no shame or disappointment, it's either commiseration and affirmation, or even a kind of celebration of how much we are on the same wavelength. Kind of the opposite of you I guess, most of my friends do not have ADHD and I can see them get annoyed with the roundabout way I tell stories and how I constantly interrupt (getting that under control slowly I think).

Have you brought up this concern with your girlfriend? I mean obviously I wouldn't frame it as "my friends get me better than you," but more of a "sometimes I feel misunderstood when it comes to my ADHD" might motivate her to try to see things more from your perspective. This book is also a really good resource.

Man, that's the kicker, isn't it? I think that's one of the most difficult things to do, especially when you don't understand exactly what's going on yourself.

It helps if you can find a doctor who is an expert in ADHD, especially in adults (which presents differently than in children, and differently in women than men). They know what to look for that isn't as well known and are less likely than a general practitioner to pass it off as someone else. They should actually administer a series of questionnaires to help diagnose you. With kids they often have ones for teachers or parents as well. I'm not sure how they handle that with adults.

Remember ADHD is like a lot of spectrum disorders in that there are a lot of symptoms and not everyone gets all of them (in our case probably only most of them) and what you do get varies in severity (and that itself can change over time).

If you haven't, I suggest finding a list (or lists) from reputable medical sources of ADHD symptoms, print it out, mark the ones that qualify and take it with you to your appointment. Be ready to talk about each one and things like how frequently it's a problem, anything you notice that might trigger it and how it's affecting your life. Not all symptoms happen all at once, so maybe give it a couple weeks working on the list until you feel like maybe everything is covered. Take notes about all with you if you feel like it'll help. Maybe even keep a dated diary with notes about symptoms each day. It'll help legitimize your claims.

It's possible if you're asking for adderall or stimulants specifically, that's part of why you're getting brushed off as just drug hunting. It is a problem but some doctors are worse about not paying attention than others. Do some research into non-stimulants (which like I said if you've got anxiety might be a better choice anyway - I've done both - and guanfacine has been my lifesaver) and bring that up and it might make you seem more genuine.

And maybe I'm totally wrong here and nobody string me up, but perhaps don't mention the PTSD right away, especially since so many doctors are focusing on that. While it's important to disclose stuff like that to your doctor, and it's possible it's triggering anxiety that's making your ADHD worse, it's a separate thing entirely caused my trauma and not and not from biological factors, therefore I think for the sake of proper diagnosis, not incredibly relevant.

Once you are diagnosed, getting a good therapist really does help. I put that off for way too long. Mine is an expert in ADHD (and actually has it himself, though he didn't drop that bomb on me until I'd actually been seeing him for like 9 months). He's been great about helping me feel like diagnosis is valid, helping me understand what's going on (including things I never knew were symptoms or caused by symptoms) and suggesting coping mechanisms to help me deal with it in addition to medication. I'm in my 30s now and was diagnosed in college, and I just started seeing mine about a year and a half ago. In hindsight I should have done it sooooo much sooner.

And I've not actually read it, but I've heard good things about this: https://www.amazon.com/You-Mean-Lazy-Stupid-Crazy-ebook/dp/B003719FSW

Hope that helps.