Reddit mentions of Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts

BSO of a sex addict here.

Have you seek therapy with a CSAT? Are you going to SAA meetings or similar support / recovery groups?

If so, your wife should strongly be encouraged to join similar support/ recovery groups meant for partners (she is NOT alone in dealing with a sex addict partner).

There is also literature to help you both, which was recommended to us by my SA SO's CSAT -

For you: Facing the Shadow

For her - Mending a Shattered Heart and Moving Beyond Betrayal

Now, my Dday was much more recent (7/7) and there have been several instances of trickle truth, slips, and even a relapse that all have reset the clock back to square one - and dare I say, WORSE than square one, actually. Now it feels that the 4 months long EA/PA (which, still no excuse, I 'understood' the circumstances) is small potatoes compared to what we are facing now.

I love my WSO... I mean, I love the man he "was" prior to Dday. And, of course, that wonderful man is (should be) still a part of him. Although my memories are now tarnished, I have no doubt that all the love, support, and care he demonstrated throughout since the beginning of our relationship was genuine. But there's now this whole other side that his addiction was taking control over.

But at this moment, I do not have any trust in him. I see him trying, I see him wanting to no longer have loss of control over that part of him. But it won't be an overnight change. In the meantime, like your wife, I feel compelled to spying, snooping, tracking, monitoring, etc. but it is driving me crazy and isn't healthy. We are in MC and he is in IC (CSAT) but I have yet to start my own IC.
I feel lost. I feel at a standstill. We get along well in ordinary tasks/day to day commonalities, but my heart is shattered and I flip flop between being so hopeful and feeling love and pride for him, for tackling this issue of his -and being angry and spiteful, giving the cold shoulder when triggered, waking him up in the middle of the night to 'ambush' him with details of previous infractions (NOT the kind of person I've ever been).

Bottom line is - you BOTH need to seek professional help, individually AND together if you want the slightest shot at reconciliation. Your relationship will never be as it was prior to Dday. But it doesn't mean that a new one cannot be built.

You need, day in and day out, to go the extra mile to reassure her, to show through your actions that you are taking steps to not fall back into your addict's behavior. You need to be transparent and even take your own actions to earn her trust back - don't wait for her to ask you to do something to prove you are being truthful/ trustworthy. You have to SHOW her that you are - It's not for her to have to look into if you are.

I'm sorry that you're going through so much, first and foremost. This is not an easy road to move forward on, but it is entirely possible to do with work from both parties. The most important thing for your health and sanity (and that of your children) right now is doing for yourself. Are you seeing a therapist or support group individually, and is he seeing a CSAT on his own? No real work got done in my relationship until that happened-- couple's counseling comes later, after the addiction is not active for a period of time, and there is safety established for you. Otherwise it just runs the risk of re traumatizing you.

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Seeing your own professional gives you space to work through the emotions around everything, and yes, find the strength to make a decision about ending the relationship or not. Everything that he says/ does is simply information for you to use in whatever decision you make. Setting clear and concise boundaries about what you will and won't tolerate is the way to protect yourself and your kids-- and being willing to enforce them when he tests or oversteps. Since things are so, so fresh for you, I recommend this book as a good starting place for yourself at very least. I was given a copy/ read it while my husband was in inpatient treatment, and it really gave me a lot of hope and ability to get myself together, and it doesn't even discuss "stay or leave" until the latter parts of the book, after you have time to breathe and assess what you need to fully.

I am sorry that you felt attacked and judged as well. Anger is unfortunately a big part of healing for all of us, it's expression happens in a myriad of ways-- take what you like, leave the rest, is what I had to learn so I didn't feel hopeless when I heard (in person and in books/ forums) about the anger and see how hurt some people became.