Reddit mentions of The Enlightened Stepmother: Revolutionizing the Role

Man, I almost had a flashback panic attack just reading this. It sounds EXACTLY how my life used to be with my SD for years and years.

Like you, my SD loved me at first and we had good times. Eventually her mom started telling her lies to get her to hate me, I guess out of jealousy? And whenever my SD got in trouble from her mom for something that happened at our house, she'd blame it on me-- like, she shaved her legs without her mom's permission and her mom freaked out at her and SD said she only did it because I said her legs were ugly and hairy. OF COURSE I would never say that! Ugh. But the fact that biomom believed I would says a lot about biomom I guess. And the fact that SD so cheerfully threw me under the bus on a regular basis says a lot about her, too.

Anyway, like you I just kept smiling. Tried talking to biomom like you did-- had no luck with it, like you didn't. Then biomom & SD moved away and SD started getting really sulky with us about traveling back for visitation, calls us "selfish" for wanting the visitation enforced (instead of letting her hang out with her friends), treats us like crap because we aren't buying her the latest ipads and cell phones or whatever.

>I feel terrible but I don't hardly want her to come this summer because I am so hurt by the things she says and does to us.

Yep! I'm feeling this way myself right now, just braced for summer. On the one hand, I understand logically that she is a kid who's been brainwashed by her mom and nothing I can or will do will ever change that. But emotionally, it's so hard to have her under our roof when she so clearly thinks we're beneath her and doesn't consider us her 'real' family, just some irritating obligation.

>I'm tired of being called names, I'm tired of being treated like shit, I'm tired of us being taken advantage of, I'm tired of parts of my life having to be put on hold because of my SD, I'm tired of having panic attacks whenever his phone makes a noise, and I'm mostly tired of feeling like a guest and being scared to live in my own home whenever she is here!! I'm just tired.

This just makes me cry for you. I know exactly, exactly how you feel. So here's my advice:

LET IT GO. You can't change what biomom thinks of you. You can't change how SD reacts, how she treats you or the fights between the ex and your husband. It is what it is. I know that may not sound helpful, but I find that most stress comes from fighting something because you think there's a solution. Only sometimes, there is no solution. This is one of those times. Keep smiling and do your best, and whether or not that's good enough for your SD, it has to be good enough for you.

What you can do: Set boundaries. If the ex's calls always mean a huge fight, ask your husband to only take them when you're not around. Or when he's out of the house. This will require him to set boundaries too. If he won't do that for you, then YOU leave the house for a couple hours. YOU take yourself out of the equation and let him handle it. You dont' need to be around that shit. It's HIS ex.

And as far as your SD goes, don't take it personally. She's a mixed up kid in a fucked up situation. At this point, you just need to weather the storm until she's old enough to look back on this time with more perspective to realize how messed up her mom is and how you guys were always there for her with no judgement. At least, that's what I tell myself. Works pretty well, definitely better than panic attacks and wanting to go run and cry in my room at the disaster my attempted family turned into.

And finally-- find something that's just for you. Put your energies elsewhere, someplace that rejuvenates you instead of drains you. Art classes, yoga, gardening, join a book club, whatever floats your boat. Just SOMETHING that you can focus on that is not your SD or your husband or his ex. You need to build a full and vibrant life that SD is only a part of, instead of building an entire life around her, if that makes sense. Oh, and definitely continue counseling.

Sorry for the crazy long post. I just know exactly where you are because I was there myself, and I could kick myself for dwelling in that horrible place for such a stupidly long time.

Books that might help: The Enlightened Stepmother, a slightly more realistic view of being a stepmom for circumstances like yours and mine, I thought, compared to other stepmom books. And The Four Agreements, a book to help you with letting go.

TL;DR You can't argue with crazy, but you can make yourself crazy by trying.