Reddit mentions: The best motherhood books

> Has our hysterically competitive, education-obsessed society finally outdone itself in its tireless efforts to produce winners whose abilities are literally off the charts?

Competition and overachievement are addressed in the context of education in the film Race to Nowhere, summarized and reviewed here. If you haven't seen the film already, I recommend just reading the review and its fairly interesting and well-written user comments.

Also, I agree with Independent, who says that these aren't "Super People," but rather resume polishers. This article appears to be inspired by college applicants and/or students, and doesn't address what these "Super People" go on to do and become after post-secondary education. seekret links to a blog post about how "large-scale education was... invented to churn out adults who worked well within the system," which also led to an interesting discussion in the comments.

> Perhaps there’s an evolutionary cause, and these robust intellects reflect the leap in the physical development of humans that we ascribe to better diets, exercise and other forms of health-consciousness. (Stephen Jay Gould called this mechanism “extended scope.”)

"Scope" refers to how widely you can apply evolutionary theory. Gould feels that natural selection can apply to macroevolution, not just microevolution, as is commonly accepted. (Source 1, 2)

According to this article, University of Missouri researchers "have found that the human brain grows most when associated with evolutionary competition." However, the link to the study doesn't work, so take that statement as you will.

> Writing in a recent issue of The Chronicle of Higher Education, John Quiggin, a visiting professor of economics at Johns Hopkins University, argues that the Great Academic Leap Forward "is both a consequence of, and a contributor to, the growing inequality and polarization of American society."

Here is Quiggins' full article on the subject, but it requires a Chronicle subscription to view.

The term "Great Academic Leap Forward" is probably a nod to behavioral modernity, "a term used in anthropology, archeology and sociology to refer to a set of traits that distinguish present day humans and their recent ancestors from both living primates and other extinct hominid lineages" (traits such as language and symbolic thought). One theory says that "behavioral modernity occurred as a sudden event... Proponents of this theory refer to this event as the Great Leap Forward or the Upper Paleolithic Revolution.

Alluding to the Upper Paleolithic Revolution fits with James Atlas' proposition that there's a new species of people emerging (although obviously not literally), and that there must be some sort of causal event, which he spends the rest of the article trying to identify.

> ...the well-documented phenomenon of helicopter parents. In her influential book “Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety,” Judith Warner quotes a mom who gave up her career to be a full-time parent... Bursting with pent-up energy, the mothers transfer their shelved career ambitions to their children. Since that book was published in 2005, the situation has only intensified.

You can preview Warner's book on Amazon and on Google books. Salon.com reviews the book and then expands on its topics in the unfortunately titled Mommy Madness.

It's surprising how early people start training their children for success. NPR runs many, many stories on preschool but there are two that I really enjoyed. The first is about interviews at one of Manhattan's most elite preschools. It's interesting in itself, and also interesting when you think about why preschool is given so much value. The second is about how preschool skills translate into career skills years later.

And, of course, I'm going to link to Why Chinese Mothers are Superior by Amy Chua, a.k.a. Tiger Mom. This, and the book it was excerpted from, spurred so many response articles that you can just search them out on your own. Here's the TR discussion though.

To be continued below, possibly, and if so then tomorrow.

In the ideal setup of a stay at home parent, she does much more than just directly raise her children. It’s about turning her house into a home, a warm sanctuary, and keeping it that way, spending time to: care for herself (especially regular exercise), cultivate creative hobbies (such as playing an instrument), arts and culture, further her education in healthy, natural, frugal living, plan/execute the family’s cultural, social, entertainment and educational life, often help manage family finances, practice religious disciplines (if she’s religious), perhaps do some work from home if more income is needed, and also volunteering/being charitable in the neighborhood and community. All these things have a immeasurable positive impact on herself, husband, children and future progeny. And, time available for all these things increases once the children are in school.
This was the general stable pattern for eons until only several decades ago. Your SO is trying to point this out.
Perhaps this reading list can expand your perspective on what it means to be a homemaker. (Sorry if it seems like overkill, I just had all these saved up anyway, and the more voices, the better, IMO.)—
Why I Love Being a Homemaker
No One Asked Me if I Wanted to Be a Homemaker
How to Make the Transition from Worker to Homemaker
The Happy Housewife
Why I Don’t Regret Being a Stay-at-Home Mom
Housewives Without Children: Celebrating Life as a SAHW
The Two-Income Trap: Why Parents Are Choosing To Stay Home
7 Myths of Working Mothers: Why Children and (Most) Careers Just Don't Mix
What an At-Home Parent Is Really Worth
With kids off at school, how I answer “So what do you do all day?”
The Art of Homemaking
Being a Stay-At-Home Parent is a Luxury … For Your Spouse
Seven Habits of Highly Successful Homemakers
The 3 Daily Sacrifices of A Homemaker
Homemaking Help 101
Ten Secrets of Becoming a Perfect Homemaker
Practice Makes Perfect: Homemakers are Made, not Born
What Is It Like To Be a Full-Time Homemaker?
How to be a Successful Homemaker…When You Feel Like You Fail at Keeping House
The Benefits of Habits in Your Homemaking
5 Ways to Grow as a Homemaker
How to Be a Better Homemaker
Are you Feeling Frustrated as a Homemaker?
A homemaker’s real salary
Here's How Much It Would Cost To Replace Your Mom
Finding the Courage to Work as a Homemaker, Housewife, or Stay at Home Wife - Even Without Kids!
Why Feminism Wants to Dismantle the Family

I feel you. My daughter is about to be 5 months and it's very hard to get anything done. Of course I want her to get lots of love and attention, but I also want her to be able to handle me putting her down to take a dump or shower. Likewise, I started to feel like she wasn't spending enough time awake on her stomach and back figuring out to how to do things like roll over or sit up herself since she wants to sit or stand on us (with help), be on our lap, or be in carrier. From a gross motor skills/milestone standpoint this also seemed less then ideal.

I agree building the ability to play independently for short periods (at least) is something I want to foster in my baby. Just this week I read Elevating Child Care by Janet Lansbury (she also has a blog) who writes about RIE parenting a model in which you treat babies with respect and like they can understand. You also strive to build their confidence and competence and their ability to spend time confidently exploring themselves. While I don't agree with everything in her book (you never do) I liked a lot of it, it's a very fast read, and I think it could be a great perspective for you and your wife.

She specifically talks about setting some healthy boundaries even with your baby like Mommy needs to brush her teeth. Now, your baby's feelings are genuine - she's crying because she is upset and wants to be held. However, Lansbury would say it's okay for your baby to experience being upset sometimes if you are respectful, understanding, and all of their needs are met. You would say to "[baby name], I am going to go brush my teeth. I will be back in two minutes." If they cry, you might say "I know you don't want me to leave," or "You want to be held right now" or some sort of acknowledgement and name the feeling if you know it. But still, brush your teeth. Then when you are done hug and comfort baby. "You are so upset I left you to brush my teeth." The idea is that feelings are not wrong (don't "no" crying) but that even as a baby it's all right if they don't always get their way.

There's also good info on developing independent play time to help your wife get some stuff done.

You're wonderful. I'm a single mom and it's tough, I wish you all the luck. Some books I've found- based in the age of her kids.

Honest toddler:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Honest-Toddler-Childs-Parenting/dp/1476734771

Toddlers are A**holes:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0990592898/ref=pd_aw_fbt_b_img_2?refRID=143CABN3JSCS68Q317QX

Single mothers survival guide:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Single-Mothers-Survival-Guide/dp/1580910637

One more:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0595397522/ref=pd_aw_sbs_2?pi=SL500_SY115&simLd=1

Is this going to be anonymous? If not, ask to borrow her car one day. Say yours is in the shop. Fill it up with gas, wash it, change the oil, whatever you can afford to do.

If she has things on layaway, go pay them off.

These are mostly all monetary things, I know, but it sounds like she may be struggling a bit on that end.

Nominate her or put her name in for draws, raffles, anything. I know the radio stations here sometimes have a week where you can nominate someone awesome for whatever. This could be a good way to do things anonymously.

If you are close to the friend, you can do little things through her. Get her a gift certificate for something, have the friend say she won it and won't use it.

Good luck!!

First off, good for you for trying to overcome your own childhood trauma (and yes, emotional neglect is a trauma) and do things right for your family. I am on the same path.

This might sound really silly, but are you familiar with the kids tv show Daniel Tiger? It's a cartoon based off the old Mister Rogers show. The relationships and scenarios are a little more tidy than what you'd see in real life, but I honestly have improved my parenting by using the helpful tips and emulating the adult figures in that show.

There are several books I can think of that have helped me. I would suggest reading more than just parenting books... it's important to heal YOU. (I don't know the details of your childhood or any of the issues that affect you now, besides what you've mentioned, so some of these may not be applicable to your situation.)


http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Our-Children-Ourselves-relationships/dp/1887542329/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023157&sr=1-1&keywords=raising+our+children+raising+ourselves


http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023193&sr=1-1-spell&keywords=coependent+no+more


http://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023212&sr=1-1&keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving+by+pete+walker


http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023231&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk


http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Kids-Children-Control-Their/dp/0310243157/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023293&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries+with+kids

that last one is a little heavy with the religious quotes, HOWEVER, even I as an atheist found the book excellent and applicable, and the message very very different from most Christian parenting books. So if you're religious, great, if not, this is still an extremely helpful book. They have an original version written for adults too, which I have not read.


edit: I see you've already posted at the sub I suggested.

I have been in your shoes being so tired I'm in tears. Except I wasn't pregnant so I can't even imagine how much harder it is for you.

Some breastfed babies and toddlers will sleep just fine after nursing to sleep, maybe waking 1-2 times a night for milk. But some will continue to wake up an excessive amount of times looking for milk. I have friends in real life who are experiencing both scenarios so I think it just depends on the disposition of the child. Bottom line you aren't doing anything wrong.



Night weaning can be a really great solution. My favorite approach to night weaning is the same thing /u/that_cachorro_life mentioned in this comment.

The gentle sleep consultant I worked with called it "Breast Request" and it's very gentle." The goal is to get them to fall asleep without the nipple in their mouth. This changes the sleep association of needing the nipple in their mouth to fall back asleep if they wake up in the night.

>You start to nurse to sleep like normal. Once they are nearly asleep (not fully) you pull the nipple out of their mouth. If they request it again by grabbing for it, relatching or crying you give it back immediately and resume nursing again until they are almost asleep. Then repeat by removing the nipple. Eventually they fall asleep.
>
>Eventually the process should get shorter and shorter until you can snuggle to sleep without offering the nipple at all.



I also tried cold turkey night weaning where my husband tended to the baby at night and I left the house and slept somewhere else. He did cry but my husband was there comforting him the whole time. Honestly though the crying was a lot for both of us to handle and after 5 nights of no progress we gave up. Some babies respond well to this though. And I'm mentioning it because yours might respond well if you're not in the house since she's already falling asleep for your mom when you're not there.



Another option that was successful for a friend of mine was to wear long turtle neck sweaters to bed so the milk is just not accessible. She nursed him down and then would just comfort/cuddle him back to sleep telling him the milk is all gone at night. It took about a week and now he SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT. Magic right? This didn't work for us but it worked for her, every kid is different.



One other thing that works for some kids are the weaning story books like Sally Weans from Night Nursing

***

Ultimately night weaning didn't work for us at all in any form. I can speculate why but it's not really important for this post. What ended up working was weaning completely. But we did that at 2yrs 3mo. I wouldn't recommend this unless you feel ready to wean. If so I can give you tips.

Good luck, I'm so sorry you're suffering. Reach out if you need to bounce anything off of us!

I share so many details in your story, our daughter is 16 months and I get so burned out. I don't know if you like these kinds of books but I would recommend reading What Mothers Do: Especially when it looks like nothing. It said so many things I didn't know how to express.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585425915/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_dcovDbWAA2KSW

As far as adjusting to your new contribution to your family, I still struggle with that. Before it was always financial and therefore measurable. Now it's more of an emotional labor and that takes a toll on you just like a job outside of the home. Your new contribution is valuable, believe it.

Thank you for posting this, these comments have helped me with my similar struggles and I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

As a toddlers teacher, I can tell you that there absolutely are tons of good books!!

You have to remember that there is no "ways to teach my kids." All kids learn differently. Luckily, since you are their parent, you are privileged to info about your kid that us teachers are not!

All kids naturally posses a desire to explore and learn. Teaching a toddler is not so much teaching as it is facilitating. Give your child the ability to explore and play freely. When you see your child has an interest in something, provide resources and opportunities for your child to discover and learn more about that thing. Scaffold. Info on scaffolding: https://www.naeyc.org/resources/pubs/yc/may2017/rocking-and-rolling-empowering-infants-and-toddlers. I recommend spending some time on NAEYC's website. They have TONS of great information.

Books.

I also provided links to Amazon to view the books. I recommend that you buy older editions of the textbooks since these ones are really expensive. The older editions are pretty much the same, and much much cheaper.

• Your Self-confident baby by Magda Gerber.
  
• Developmentally Appropriate Practice by Carol Copple, et al.
  
• Infants, Toddlers, and Caregivers by Janet Gonzalez-Mena, et al.
  
• Elevating Childcare by Janet Lansbury.
  
• The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegal (haven't read this one yet, but my colleagues say it's good).

Hon, I think you need to check out some places like HipMama, blogs where single mothers are congregating. You're in this for the long haul, so find not only sympathy, but people who have been in exactly your place. It will help.

A lot of people like this book too - http://www.amazon.com/Single-Mothers-Survival-Guide-Other/dp/1580910637

In the meantime, take care of yourself, too. Are you in school - getting a degree or a trade? Do you have friends you can turn to?

These are the books on my Kindle. I believe I read most of them - some I remember more than others so I may have started them but not finished.

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B014G6WNIA/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title - This one was great. It told a lot about how he was feeling in the affair and why it was so hard for him to give it up.

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B001E2NXBQ/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title - I loved this one.

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B00G1IYIQM/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title - This books helped me with my relationship with my son but it also helped me understand my husband's relationship with his mother and how he was raised. She was overprotective and because of that they never had a great relationship.

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B01EVXI51W/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B00QOE1DAW/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B00APGI85I/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title

I recommend the book "Parenting Without Power Struggles". I read it and thought it was fantastic.

Here's an Amazon.com link: http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Without-Power-Struggles-Resilient/dp/1451667663/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1414591532&sr=8-1&keywords=parenting+without+power+struggles

The ideas it suggests are very common-sense (when you read it you think to yourself, "Of course that will work, I can FEEL how that is going to work well, why didn't I think of that") and it offers exactly what you're looking for, great parenting strategies.

'Religion' is the answer for most people. But this didn't work for me because being scientific minded I rejected religion at a young age. Recently I've read more about Buddhism, and seen that it has a minimum of mythology and I think what mythology is attached to Buddhism can be rejected without losing the rest of the philosophy.

I think this book is a good, short, cheap intro to buddhism: http://www.amazon.com/Buddhism-Religion-No-Religion-Watts-Wisdom/dp/080483203X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1296157180&sr=8-1

And this is a good book on mortality. It's ostensibly for kids, but I think it fits in well with Buddhist thoughts, and it helps calm me when I read it: http://www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Bryan-Mellonie/dp/0553344021/ref=cm_lmf_tit_8_rsrssi2

Finally, this book says it is for mothers, but I am not a mother and I found it a good introduction to the most practical aspects of buddhism: http://www.amazon.com/Buddhism-Mothers-Approach-Yourself-Children/dp/1741140102/ref=tmm_pap_title_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1296157315&sr=8-1

there's a book that is pre-written for you. all you have to do is fill in the blanks/reasons!

here it is on amazon. It's called 52 Reasons Why i Love You! So cute :3

they also have a Mom Edition

your idea is more original tho

Seems relevant.

"Toddlers are beautiful, kind, and wonderful to people who are not in primary custody of them. There’s a reason toddlers are at their peak cuteness: it’s because nature knows that toddlerhood is when you are most likely to take your child to a public park and leave them there with a note that says, “I’m a little $hit and they couldn’t take it anymore.”"

I'm more of the treat your child like a person camp, so I am loving anything by Janet Lansbury. I'm in the middle of this book and I love it.

First, good job mom! You choose to not physically assault your children despite how difficult it is! I recommend this book to you. Hang in there.

I like these ones:

http://www.amazon.com/Newbies-Guide-Positive-Parenting/dp/149046364X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1409235967&sr=8-1&keywords=the+newbie's+guide+to+positive+parenting#

http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Parenting-Action-How--Principles/dp/1490413588/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1409235903&sr=8-1&keywords=positive+parenting+in+action

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B000OVLKEA/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?qid=1415501502&sr=8-2&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70


Edit:

Forgot this link
http://www.triplep.net/glo-en/home/

I took some of their classes and loved them!

Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide (The Positive Parent Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143109227/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_MnDmDbY5NG61G

A massage. Or a visit to the salon. She may not understand, but she'll appreciate it in a few months.

Oprah also recommended this a few years ago. I bought it for a friend's of mine and myself.

Letters to My Baby: Write Now. Read Later. Treasure Forever. https://www.amazon.com/dp/145213295X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_sQ9dzbTTQJKMR

I haven't written any letters yet, I figure I'll give it to my son on a milestone event.... Turning 18, marriage, or maybe his first kid. Idk.

A part of feminism has always been about making having a baby be a choice for a woman rather than a requirement, but if that comes across as ignoring the plight of mothers, well, that's not intentional. For me personally the fact that women have taken on both the burdens of being a "provider" and taking care of children and housework is a big deal to me. I don't know if this counts as feminist, but this idea has been studied in detail.

This is entirely guessing, but there is a good chance that if she hadn't quit her job the woman in the op's comment would have been doing both engineering and child care, without that much help from the husband. That's extremely common, and sucks.

« Mother love: Myth and reality : motherhood in modern history » 1981. Found one on Amazon https://www.amazon.com/Mother-love-reality-motherhood-history/dp/0025046101/ref=nodl_

Elevating Childcare is what I started with.

She also has a blog/website with lots of great resources.

> Flanked by television cameras and photographers, several school board members agreed that the book was not the best choice for the personal finance class.

Actually, if Bedford is anything like the small town I grew up in, a book about struggling to get by on minimum wage jobs IS exactly the best choice for a personal finance class. They should probably also be reading Making Ends Meet by Kathryn Edin and Laura Lein.

Maybe look into this book I've seen it recommended on Reddit before. I downloaded a sample so I haven't been through the whole book, but it seems like different self directed therapy exercises without the need for an actual therapist so you can work through your reasoning for becoming a mother or not.

A fair assessment.

Other explanations include:

1.The decline of the two-parent family, for instance, is almost certainly depressing life satisfaction for the women stuck raising kids alone.

• Before 1970, most unmarried mothers were teenagers. But in recent years the birthrate among unmarried women in their 20s and 30s has soared — rising 34 percent since 2002, for example, in women ages 30 to 34. In 2007, women in their 20s had 60 percent of all babies born out of wedlock, teenagers had 23 percent and women 30 and older had 17 percent.
  
  
• Much of the increase in unmarried births has occurred among parents who are living together but are not married, cohabitation arrangements that tend to be less stable than marriages, studies show.(source)
  
  
  **2.**"The Second SHift"
  
  
• In this landmark study, sociologist Arlie Hochschild takes us into the homes of two-career parents to observe what really goes on at the end of the "work day." Overwhelmingly, she discovers, it's the working mother who takes on the second shift. (source)
  
  
  
  
  This NYTIMES column provides more insight
  
  Liberated and Unhappy

This is one of the absolute best parenting books out there. Most of them are complete garbage. Be warned of that.

https://www.amazon.com/Elevating-Child-Care-Respectful-Parenting/dp/1499103670/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_3?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=1N4N3K0R7NG5THTXS8Q8

Found this great book because of the /r/IAmA thing by Adam Mansbach.

Tempted to order a case of them for all the new and expecting parents at work, but not sure if it's totally appropriate. (There must've been a LOT of bonking going on 5-15 months ago, so many folks I know and work with are having babies)

Parenting offers us the opportunity to put an end to an abuse cycle that's often persisted for several generations. It's not at all easy to change the established patterns but it is possible and well worth pursuing. As a bonus, the process of ending an abuse cycle rewards you for your efforts by healing a lot of old wounds. The book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort delves into this phenomenon. My suggestion for you is to pro-actively work on stocking up a parenting "tool box" of ideas and tactics to help you through difficult scenarios so that when situations arise, the tendency to fall back on what you learned from your mother will be lessened.

Also, be aware that intrusive thoughts of injuring yourself or your child can be an indicator of pre-natal and post-partum depression.

http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Parenting-Action-Principles-Childhood/dp/1490413588/ref=pd_sim_b_4

Based on title alone:

http://www.amazon.com/Toddlers-Are-holes-Your-Fault/dp/0990592898/

Toddlers Are Assholes: It's Not Your Fault