Reddit mentions of The Good News About the Bad News: Herpes: Everything You Need to Know

For the future it helps to share what type of herpes (HSV-1 or HSV-2) and location (oral or genital), as that can affect some answers. As for your questions:

• Yes it's possible for her to share herpes when she doesn't have an outbreak (asymptomatic shedding or the lesions can be located internally).
  
• Yes you can go down on her, but there will be risks.
  
• A condom will help, but will not completely protect you. As it only covers the penis. She can also take daily antivirals, to help reduce the risk of sharing herpes.
  
  Supposedly, there's a 4% chance of a male getting it from a female, if they had sex 2x a week for a year, and didn't use condoms, or take antivirals. If you do end up catching it, just remember, that it will not shorten your lifespan and it's unlikely to seriously ruin your quality of life.
  
  There's a great book written by Terri Warren on the topic. She also has a free e-handbook on her clinic's website. Educate yourself and decide for yourself.
  
  http://www.amazon.com/Good-News-About-Bad-Everything/dp/1572246189/
  
  http://www.westoverheights.com/genital_herpes/handbook.html
  
  There's also been some IAmAs:
  
  http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/dq9pf/iama_hsv1_genital_herpes_positive_mid20s_male_ama/
  
  http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/cuevg/im_a_24_year_old_female_diagnosed_with_hsv2/
  
  http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/cuoch/i_contracted_herpes_from_my_husband_ama/
  
  http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/cx4cl/i_am_a_swf_with_herpes_ask_me_anything/
  
  http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/9jz2g/i_was_recently_diagnosed_with_herpes_ama/

Lots of the advice here is good. You might also want to check out The Good News about the Bad News for good tips on how to talk to a partner, stats on transmission rates, and percents of population who are already infected. If you like the book you can even give it to him to read if he seems uncomfortable or just wants to know more.

FWIW, I have an oral infection HSV I (commonly called cold sores) and the best way I've found to talk to partners is something along the lines of:

I really like spending time with you and I can see us having a future together. I also think it's clear we are headed for sexytimes, and before we go down that road I'd like to talk to you about being safe, birth control, and STDs. You should know I have herpes, and it's important to me that you are in the loop because if we're on the same page we can take precautions to reduce the likelihood that you get infected and because it's what I wish my partner would have done for me.

Don't stress too much; it sounds like you really do have everything under control, and if you seem calm, that will help keep him calm about it.

I was recommended this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Good-News-About-Bad-Everything/dp/1572246189

I've been living with it and had no problems telling partners in a similar fashion to you, all the best.

It is discussed in this book, which I purchased (chapter 2, last page - page 30): https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1572246189/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Well, first I'd recommend reading this book as most of what I know originated there, and it's great:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Good-News-About-Bad/dp/1572246189

The statics you're referring to (and they're frustratingly specific to HSV-2) most likely came from a Valtrex study that had couples have sex once a week. So it is my understanding that transmission rates for "Herpes" refer to the likelihood of transferring HSV-2 after one year of continuous sex once a week while only avoiding sex during outbreaks. Everything I've seen on specifics of HSV-1 transfer use the language you refer to: "much less likely than HSV-2."

Anyway, at the end of that year of sex, there was about a 5% transmission rate. A condom is believed to reduce this by 50%. Valtrex drives it down even more. And yes, a condom and Valtrex are believed to get the transmission rate (after one year of sex) down below 1%. And that's just HSV-2.

Read the book, but I'm not sure what exact transmission rates would be in your case. Now let's assume you never have outbreaks. In that case, asymptomatic shedding occurs roughly 23% of the time, I believe it said, in HSV-1 oral(o) cases. In HSV-1 genital(g) cases, I believe it's less than 5% of the time. So that means that 5% of the time the virus may shed itself in skin cells. Now, this does not mean you're automatically contagious. The person has to happen to be exposed to the specific cells that harbor the virus and then the virus has to actually take hold. A virus taking hold, particularly HSV-1g, is dependent on a ton of things and is by no means guaranteed. For example, a partner with HSV-1o probably has some antibodies that would make it more difficult to reinfect them genitally. I have been told in no uncertain terms by a doctor that a male with HSV-1g cannot infect a women with HSV-1o. Now, the herpes virologist who did an AMA in /r/science disagreed, as do I theoretically, but I think at that point the transmission rates are extremely low. I'd wager that's what the doctor meant when he said it's impossible, that it might be theoretically possible but it's probably just not going to happen.

However, all of these numbers are averaged and these studies, to my knowledge, can't test strength but only the presence of shed cells. So logically the virus could be stronger in some people than others, or appear more frequently, and those averaged shedding rates wouldn't necessarily directly linked to likelihood of transfer for you, or anyone. Since you're experiencing outbreaks still, which is rare in and of itself (let alone for 7 years), the virus may be strong or your body might just be prone to creating conditions in which it reawakens. Typically I don't think most doctors would recommend Valtrex only for HSV-1, but since you still have outbreaks it's probably smart.

Fact of the matter is, you'll never find out the exact strength of your virus so any numbers you're given might not apply. But even with occasional outbreaks your diet, Valtrex, and condom use should still make it extremely unlikely that you will ever transfer this. Especially genital to genital. The important thing for you is to make sure you absolutely understand how your body works when an outbreak is coming, or active. And stay vigilant. That's the most likely chance to pass it on, not recognizing an outbreak fast enough. Because then all bets are off.

Check out this book! Everything about Herpes book

According to the book, HSV-1 is not so bad, outbreaks about 2-3 times a year. HSV-2 is worse with outbreaks every two weeks or a month. Also, about 50% of people over 14 years old has HSV-1 but most of them do not even know they have herpes. For about 50% of the people who do have HSV-1, they get an initial outbreak and never get it again. She is a good person to have informed you.

Anyways, my advice is to read the book.

Also check out this book about herpes