Reddit mentions of 100 Questions about SEX: Get the Conversation Started!

Hey, thanks for being open about this. I’ve been in your shoes to some extent and understand the struggles.

The first thing I want to say is that, as others have pointed out here, you don’t have to be sexual if you don’t want to; our culture (the media we consume, the jokes we tell, the way our education system is structured, etc.) assumes that male-bodied and male-identified people must be aggressively sexual (this is an aspect of toxic masculinity).

That being said, it sounds like having sex and being sexual is something you’re interested in. And that’s great!

First, having a good therapist is extremely helpful. Sadly, thanks to our political-economic system, therapy has become a luxury that many of us can’t afford. You said in your post that you have a therapist, and that’s fantastic that you have that resource. I found that having a therapist with a background in sex therapy and sex education was particularly helpful; if your therapist doesn’t have that background, and you can afford it, I’d recommend reaching out to the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health – they have excellent therapists and frequently do therapy via online video chat, and have a sliding scale. Another option would be a somatic therapist, such as Elizabeth McGrath in Los Angeles (I’ve met and taken classes with her, and I’d recommend her if this is something you might be interested in); they use body-centred techniques to help their clients heal from trauma and get back in touch with and learn about their own bodies.

Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, is education. Speaking for myself, learning about my own body and how others’ bodies work and how sex works has been the most important part of my journey, to the point that I’m planning on becoming a sex educator myself. We tend to treat sex as some arcane, secret thing that nobody is supposed to understand, and people who do are treated with suspicion, like witches, because they are delving into Things That Man Was Not Meant To Know. This is bullshit; as a friend of mine puts it, “Sex Isn’t Special (But Culture Makes It So).”

There are a number of ways to get the education you need but wasn’t given to you by our puritanical, patriarchal school system. One way is by taking classes – if you live near Boston or San Francisco, go to your local Good Vibrations store and get a list of the classes they’re running; if you don’t live near a Good Vibes, check out local feminist sex stores or sex-positive organisations like the CSPH I mentioned above, they usually have classes and workshops running for various kinds. For example, at the Good Vibrations in Boston I attended workshops on:

• Casual sex

• “How to Drive a Vulva”

• Blow jobs

• Pegging

• How to pick a good lubricant

• Having sex after cancer

• Intimacy for survivors of abuse

• Polyamory 101

And many more. The biggest thing that these events did for me is that they demystified sex and gave me a language for talking about it with partners. It helped me learn what I didn’t know and gave me a thirst for learning more.

There are also a large number of educators on YouTube that do sex education videos. The biggest is Dr. Lindey Doe’s Sexplanations channel, but there are many others; because I’m a queer trans person and almost all my partners are trans as well, I follow a number of queer people who do videos for queer and trans persons, including Stevie Boebi, UppercaseChase, and Ash Hardell.

The other big thing that can help is good books on the subject. There are two that I would say you absolutely should pick up as hands-down the best books for learning about bodies and sex. First, [The Guide to Getting it On, by Paul Joannides](https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Getting-Paul-Joannides-Psy-D/dp/1885535171/), and second [Sex is Fun!, by Kidder Kaper](https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Fun-Creative-Ideas-Exciting-ebook/dp/B00WDP7ZAI/). They both cover everything you could want or need to know, have resources for learning more, and they have lots of great illustrations. Another fantastic resource (which I’ve used on several first dates, including with my current primary partner) is [100 Questions About Sex](https://www.amazon.com/100-Questions-about-SEX-Conversation/dp/1452117373/), which can be great for talking with a partner about each other’s desires or for thinking over for yourself.

I hope you find this helpful!

For context, I’m non-binary (assigned male at birth and generally masculine of centre in presentation), pansexual, and I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at the age of 12. I was raised in a very conservative home and grew up with a highly distorted understanding of sexuality and was involved in some really bad relationships growing up, and I didn’t have sexual intercourse until I was 27. Since then I’ve had romantic and sexual relationships of many kinds with many different people, and it’s been a wonderful journey in learning about myself, my desires, and how to relate to others in a healthy, upbuilding way.

Talking about it is definitely the answer but that doesn't feel simple for most people and I get that. Communication can be sex but it's so awkward and confusing to start sometimes.

There are a lot of great ways to talk about sex with your partner. You can reciprocally share a fantasy with one another. If talking is hard, write it out first. Email it to a each! Write a romantic erotica letter to each other! Then come together and discuss it after you've both read them.

Or go to a local adult store (hopefully a nice and not sleazy one if possible). Look through what is there. Have some good laughs over the silly and embarrassing things and pick something out that you both are interested in. It can be scary to grab something at a sex shop and say "Do you want to try this?" But often our partners are really excited to see what we like and are into.

There are also just little conversation starter questions out there you can use. You can even buy little sets of cards with them on it and make a game out of it. Go on a long drive and ask each other the questions in the car. Or lay in bed together and do so. Or have a date night in and whip out some sexy questions to get you started talking.

Point of all of this is just talk about it first and foremost.