Reddit mentions of American Medical Association Boy's Guide to Becoming a Teen

Something like this is good. https://www.amazon.com/American-Medical-Association-Guide-Becoming/dp/0787983438/ref=pd_sim_14_4?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0787983438&pd_rd_r=BZAZ29DSQDN7WHF4WNXD&pd_rd_w=fX6Bo&pd_rd_wg=XnPsp&psc=1&refRID=BZAZ29DSQDN7WHF4WNXD

Get him a book and discuss it together. Note the second half of that sentence - this doesn't get you off the hook from talking to him, but gives you a place to start and some idea of age-appropriate language. It's Perfectly Normal is widely recognized as one of the best sex ed books out there (and does cover masturbation); if you want something for boys specifically, you could try the Boy's Guide to Becoming a Teen or The Body Book for Boys (not completely sure if they both cover masturbation so you might want to read some reviews first).

Having said that, I'm wondering why Mom wants you to be the one to have this conversation in the first place? Do you have a relationship with him such that he would feel comfortable talking about such personal stuff with you? Otherwise I would probably suggest that she bring it up with him first, and then you can mention that if he has any questions he'd feel more comfortable asking another guy, that you'd be happy to chat with him too.

I think you did fine, but leaving the onus on him to come to you with questions might not work out. I suspect that a lot of kids aren't very comfortable or very willing to come to their parents with embarrassing questions right out of the blue. And lecturing doesn't do much good. The best approach, in my opinion, is to have short, ongoing, regular conversations about sexual and reproductive health, especially as his development continues and the conversations need to get more specific about some of the details. The more you talk about it, the less awkward it gets, and he'll be more likely to ask questions when it just becomes part of a normal conversation. Also, there are tons of great books about sexual and reproductive health and puberty out there. Get him three or four books and let him read. Get him the girls versions, too, so they're not a complete mystery. I'll include some recommendations below.

Here are some of the things I've added to the conversations I've had with my kid, specifically about porn:

-Pornography only shows actors performing sexual acts for the camera. Typical intimate, physical, sexual relationships between two people don't look very much like porn, so don't be fooled into thinking that's what a sexual relationship really looks like.

-Whether or not watching pornography is ethical or moral is something I think people need to decide for themselves. A lot of people think it's unethical for the following reasons: a) it doesn't show realistic relationships and distorts people's sense of what sex should look like; b) the actors, especially the female actors, are often exploited because they were in a vulnerable position and were taken advantage of; c) there are problems with things like human trafficking; d) some of the actors are underage; e) it can cause problems with addiction and desensitization; f) how would you feel if it was your daughter or sister performing? Do you think you should treat other people's daughters or sisters any differently?

But other people would say there's not a problem with looking at porn, especially if you're careful about the above problems. And a lot of people watch porn, so it's not weird or unusual. But deciding if it's right or not will have to be up to you.

If you do decide to watch porn, I would say -- as with anything else -- do it in moderation, and make sure it's not affecting your ability to have healthy relationships in real life.

Good books on puberty and reproductive and sexual health:

American Medical Association Girl's Guide to Becoming a Teen
by American Medical Association et al.

American Medical Association Boy's Guide to Becoming a Teen
by American Medical Association et al.

What's Happening to My Body? Book for Boys: Revised Edition
by Lynda Madaras et al.

My Body, My Self for Boys: Revised Edition by Lynda Madaras et al.

The Care and Keeping of You 2: The Body Book for Older Girls
by Cara Natterson et al.

What's Happening to My Body? Book for Girls: Revised Edition
by Lynda Madaras et al.

Therapy is an excellent idea. The fact that he's unwilling to talk about his bio father is reason enough. If you suspect abuse then definitely get him some professional support.

I know his response seems too big for the problem but if you look at it from his perspective he just got "caught" doing something he might not fully understand or have embarrassed or shameful feelings about; maybe even some worry about getting into trouble. (Not that you did anything to suggest it was wrong or bad, but kids just get sucked into those tracks of thinking). And then to have to have a talk about it...that night...gah! His preteen head just couldn't handle it. I'm not saying your concern about his response isn't valid; however had the discussion happened the next day or evening he might have been more able to manage his emotions and been more receptive. With my own kiddo often little time and space from a difficult situation helps defuse the emotion and makes him more willing to have a conversation.

Going forward - get a couple of books:
It's Perfectly Normal
Boy's Guide to Becoming a Teen

Then open up the conversation again, "the other night when we talked you got pretty upset and that's ok, I understand. I got you a couple of books and marked a few pages that you might want to read. You know I love you and I know these conversations might be uncomfortable for you, but I'm always here to answer questions or give advice. You don't need to feel embarrassed" Leave him the with books, let him know you'll check in with him later in the week to see if he has any questions; make a point to keep it causal.

Later in the week check-in. "Did you have a chance to read any of those books?" Got any questions?"
Then be sure to check in every few weeks. Doesn't need to be naggy; he just needs to know you're there and willing to answer his questions honestly.

Also, be sure read the books before you give them to him. They use a lot of simple language to explain complex topics which is super helpful for all.

BTW: your kiddo is pretty lucky to have you in his life. My personal situation is a bit similar and I will be forever grateful to my Dad for adopting me and raising me as his own. There's nothing better than knowing you have someone in your life that doesn't have to be there, but chose to be.

Welcome to parenting with porn :D And uhh... you want to share that link with us? For science? Aherm... KIDDING....kinda... LOL

I've had four kids hit that point, two boys and two girls, and several more coming that way soon. Here's my recommendations...and feel free to take/leave what does or doesn't work for you:

• Normalize this. It's normal. I promise. That it is an educational video is AWESOME. I mean, none of us are delighted when our kids get interested in becoming sexually active (or at least start considering it), but this is SO much better than "hardcore face fucking gang bang". I swear.
  
  
• In line with this being normal, check out this book: It's Perfectly Normal (NOT a paid referral link).
  
  
• Also the book: What's Happening to My Body: A Book for Boys (Also not a paid referral link)
  
  
• Editing to add another great book I just thought of: Boy's Guide to Becoming a Teen (also not a paid referral link)
  
  
• Editing because I remembered another one! Talk to Me First It's a book for parents about how to have these conversations. Highly recommend :) Also not an affiliate link :)
  
  
• Give your kiddo a lot of kudos for looking at education videos! That's a pretty appropriate way to find things like this out. Then gently explain that some videos online aren't as educational, but are more just adult entertainment. Explain the laws about porn - that no one under 18 is allowed to see it, and that the police take that very seriously. Explain that these movies are like any other entertainment - Ask him, when he watches Avengers, does he actually think he is going to see explosions like that at the airport, or car chases like that driving down the road? Does any part of him REALLY think that when HE starts driving that sort of behavior is ok? Of course he doesn't. Same applies here - sex entertainment is like a Michael Bey flick - it's not intended to be realistic, but since people forget that because it's sex, it's easy to get caught up in the "glitz" of it all.
  
  
• Pay close attention to any of your own hangups about sex, and work REALLY hard not to give them to your kiddo, or at least acknowledge that they're YOUR hangups and not his. Where things are awkward of uncomfortable for you, SAY that and explain there's no reason to be, it's just from how things were explained to you when you were young. Explain you want to keep these conversations as comfortable as you can.
  
  
• Consider having a few different conversations about all of this, instead of a big heavy (cue music of dread and woe) SEX TALK. The goal isn't to micromanage his blossoming sexuality, it's to create a climate of trust and communication, so when he's 16 and fucking everything in sight, you guys can talk about how to be safe and keep priorities and boundaries clear.
  
  
• Keep it calm and light hearted. The last thing either of you want to do is teach him that "getting caught" with ANYTHING related to his sexuality is something to be ashamed of or that he'll "get in trouble" for doing. It's a biological and hormonal explosion in his brain right now, you can either work with it, or he'll hide it, but it is NOT going away.
  
  
• Make decisions that support his changing self. I get the urge to lock down websites that are inappropriate. I really do. But again, be careful to find the balance between protecting from inappropriate/illegal material and outright censoring. I use this: K9 Web Protection on my kids' electronics because it is SO customizable. Anything sex-ed related, abortion related, educationally related, is 100% unlocked at all times at my home. For my teens, Nina Hartley is unlocked as well - she's an avid sex educator and REALLY good at communicating the "how to" of sex clearly and without shame or being trashy. However...out and out porn? That's locked. I realize they'll likely find it SOMEWHERE, and parts of Youtube have plenty of softcore stuff, but my goal isn't to shield them from seeing sex. Sex is natural and normal and healthy and fun - I WANT my kids to know that! But I also want to make sure they aren't overexposed to things more graphic than they can process right now.
  
  It's about finding a balance. You got this mama. I promise.