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Reddit mentions of Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
Sentiment score: 5
Reddit mentions: 10
We found 10 Reddit mentions of Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Here are the top ones.
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| Release date | September 2012 |
I take issue with “my feelings shouldn’t be hurt.” Your feelings are your feelings. They are what they are, and you have no need to be shamed about them. Feelings are just data— immediate responses to situations. Feelings, by themselves, aren’t inherently BAD or GOOD, or destructive or benign. Feelings are just data you use to make decisions, and to inform your actions. It’s the ACTIONS that can be good, bad, destructive or benign.
For whatever reason, you were uncomfortable. This is real, and it is worth thinking through and seeking counsel to figure out if you need to take action. The purpose these feelings serve in this situation are just what you are doing— listening to them, trying to figure out where they come from. Doing some self examination. Seeking the perspective of others. Do they come mostly from buttons that were installed in YOU and therefore they are your issue? Is this a healthy boundary that has been crossed and therefore something you need to address?
What I am suggesting here is that you not focus on the FEELINGS— “Am I too sensitive?”— and focus on whether action is required, and what that might be. It’s a subtle distinction, but an important one. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID. Period. Do they require action? Maybe, maybe not. The action may be to confront MIL. The action may be to do nothing, file it away, and make some comment next time it happens. The action may be to seek more therapy for yourself, because you have determined you want to uninstall this button you found. The action may be to take up meditation so you feel less anxious. Whatever. But your feelings are your feelings and aren’t bad nor good.
As for this specific example, my offering of advice for you is that you should let this go. File it away. It may have nothing to do with you—it may be her anxiety manifesting itself and has NOTHING to do with you at all. She may be anxious that her son’s housekeeping skills (or lack thereof) reflect poorly on her parenting. She may feel emptiness because she is the captain of a boat with no passengers anymore and she doesn’t know what to do with herself. Someone may have told her one time that dirty garage doors are a sure sign of someone who was raised in a barn and she felt parenting shame every time she saw that door. Who knows?
That said, it can be annoying to have someone pointing out things you “should” and “shouldn’t” do, and if her anxiety or emptiness or whatever-drives-her makes her unable to contain herself and not blurt out these things, then she may need a gentle reminder that she is overstepping her bounds. Perhaps a kind approach (since she sounds like a kind person) is in order. “Hey, MIL, I would appreciate it if you would stop commenting on our housekeeping/cleaning/garage door/ring around the toilet/weeds in the yard. I would prefer to keep our visits pleasant and enjoy them rather than dread them and always anticipate getting criticism for the way we choose to keep our house. I’m sure you’d rather I look forward to your visits!” If she does it again, tell her again, or just walk away. Keep some go-to phrases in your head for unsolicited advice— “I will put that on the list of things other people think we should do!” Or “Thanks for your opinion; I’ll certainly consider it” and change the subject.
Whatever you decide to DO about what you feel, do not apologize nor question what you feel. Your feelings are just as valid as anyone else, and let no one shame you for them.
I recommend this book, or any book or youtube by Brene Brown, actually. She is a researcher on shame and how destructive it is, and how powerful vulnerability is. Shame is a tool unhealthy people use to control you, and once you can see that and break free from shame, they lose the ability to manipulate you.
Here’s one of my favorite books by her:
https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms-ebook/dp/B007P7HRS4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1523289457&sr=8-1&keywords=daring+greatly
Here’s one of her TED talks— well worth a 20 minute time investment.
https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0
(Actually, paging /u/swiggybloodlust — I believe that this book is sidebar booklist worthy)
One. The Drama of a Gifted Child by Alice Miller
Two. Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
Three. The Ethics of Ambiguity by Simone De Beauvoir
Four. The Plague by Albert Camus
Five. Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
Six. Being Mortal by Atul Gawande
Seven. The Atheist Muslim by Ali Rizvi
Eight. A World of Three Zeros by Muhammad Yunus
edit: numbers didn’t show
I second the Tannen book. Also, anything by John Gottman. You might also check out Brené Brown's books. She also has a TED talk and now a Netflix special, both of which can give you a flavor for her work.
I think you're on the right track. One of my recent favorite books discusses the idea that you are stronger and happier when you let yourself be vulnerable and others around you do the same. It takes strength and bravery to be vulnerable. Daring Greatly
These are good ones:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Mindful-Way-Through-Depression/dp/1593851286/
http://www.amazon.com/Compassionate-Mind-Approach-Lifes-Challenges/dp/1572248408/
http://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms-ebook/dp/B007P7HRS4/
Read these books:
No More Mr. Nice Guy
Daring Greatly
How to Win Friends and Influence People
While you do that, just make small talk to people. Not necessarily to people you're attracted to. You can keep it short, "nice bike", "nice dress", "do you have the time?", "do you know the way to x?", "know any good coffeeshop around here?"
Look people in the eye, don't break eye contact first, genuine smile.
You'll see that people are generally good. There'll always be assholes, you don't need them.
Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly is a deeper dive on her TED talk. I found it worthwhile as well. It helped me understand how to have compassion for myself, and put aside the self-loathing I and many others have described as part of the personal struggle that we try to blunt or solve with alcohol.
I've been in QA for about three years - started out in Support, kept getting stuck with the "weird" tickets, got better at troubleshooting and bug hunting, and eventually started doing testing with the dev team. Working at very small startups helped speed this process up tremendously. I'm now working at a ~500 person company (huuuuuge from my perspective, I'm used to a dozen coworkers, tops!) and learned Selenium/Capybara automated tests about a year ago.
I haven't found any quality-related books that have interested me, and most of the technical resources I've found have just been whatever pops up on Google/Stack Overflow. I am also subscribed to this subreddit, and /r/qualityassurance, but they're both pretty low-traffic, and I wish more articles were shared here. If there are any blog posts that have resonated with you, I'd love to take a look as well!
The best thing I've done for myself, technically, was re-writing our automated UI test suite in POM. This ended up saving me hours of work a few months later when we added a bunch of new features, and I just had to copy-paste a few things to test for them. This is a good overview:
https://www.guru99.com/page-object-model-pom-page-factory-in-selenium-ultimate-guide.html
Because of how much grief this saved me, I continue to evangelize for it!
I can, however, recommend some management/team/soft skills/business-y books! I'm not in love with my current company, so I end up reading a lot of these to keep myself sane and motivated. Here are some of the ones I've liked the best:
A lot of these are available in libraries too, and I've made a habit of checking them out there, and buying them if I really like them.
I hope this helps!
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>I told her that I could take care of my emotional problems by myself and that I would never be able to respect myself again if I ever let her see me hurting or expressing weakness, the thought of expressing weakness to her just seems wrong and disgusting because she's my gf, I should be strong for her, I should support her, not the other way around.
Do you really think that a one-sided relationship is healthy? Even if you overcompensate in other areas of the relationship it's still not healthy. You don't have to come crying on her shoulder, but honesty is NECESSARY in a healthy relationship. It's not optional.
I'm very sorry for the depression you go through I can definitely empathize from my own personal struggles. But by totally walling off part of you you're limiting your ability to form a real, two-way connection with someone. There's a book that might be useful. It has helped me see how opening up (without being weak or a "pussy") is actually a sign of real strength. It's called "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown. Please take a look at it. I think you're approaching this problem backwards, and another perspective might be useful. I wish you the best.