Reddit mentions: The best personal transformation books

First and foremost, if you are ever, EVER feeling suicidal, please reach out to somebody:

• Call +45 70 201 201
  
• Visit http://www.livslinien.dk/
  
• Speak with your parents (trust them, tell them how you feel)
  
• Speak with literally anybody. A friend, the police, anyone
  
  Sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I've been there. I'm there frequently. A lot of us are. A lot of people who seem to have amazing lives and tons of friends are feeling just as much pain and loneliness as you. You are not alone. Sometimes it can feel like no one cares. Yes, lots of people are selfish and/or busy with their own stuff, but people do care.
  
  Know that your situation will change. Everything changes. Everything passes. You're feeling crappy right now, but hold on. Be strong. Be brave. Make some changes. If you do, you might blink and it be six months from now and you're having an amazing time in your acting classes, hanging out with a few people you really love spending time with, have forgotten all about your ex, etc. Everything passes. Bad times pass, so try to just ride the wave, roll with the punches, and know things will get better. But also good times pass. So when you're doing something you enjoy, or spending time with someone you care about, try really hard to be present and appreciate every moment, every detail. That's the beauty of life. It's transient. Nothing is permanent. Our species is not permanent. Our world is not permanent. It's a ride. It's a game. It's whatever metaphor you choose, but the point is things go up and down and round and round and in the end nothing really matters other than the fact that we have the gift of the present moment and the ability to try and enjoy little things here and there.
  
  I know you mentioned having seen a therapist and it did nothing. Hopefully that was just that one therapist. Sometimes it takes trying a couple months with a couple different therapists before you find someone who you really like. You just have to be open, honest, and trust that they are there to listen to you and there to help you. And give them time. There are very few quick fixes in life.
  
  There are things you can do for yourself, too. Things that will have a huge impact on your happiness, contentment, confidence, loneliness, motivation, etc. Most of the below is scientifically proven to help a lot. You don't have to do all of this at once, and you don't have to be an expert at all of this all at once. The important thing is to try. Bit by bit. Each day try one new thing on this list, and try to make a habit of it. Do it at that time, every day. Start small, with easier things, like doing stuff for 5 minutes, then next week up it to 10 minutes, and so on:
  
  
• Exercise: force yourself to go for a 20-30 minute walk every morning, as soon as you get up. It will be hard at first, but you'll start feeling a bit better every single time. Start mixing things up, depending on where you live and what you have accessible to you, try one day doing your walk, one day going for a cycle, one day a swim, one day run instead of walk, etc.
  
• Eat right: Self explanatory. Minimize alcohol. Minimize caffeine. Minimize sugar. Minimize pre-packaged/processed foods. Minimize/skip recreational drugs. Increase the amount of healthy stuff you eat. More veggies (fresh/frozen, cooked/raw, mix it up!), things like eggs or oatmeal for breakfast, etc. You'll find that the more you start changing this stuff, bit by bit each day, the more your body will crave it. When added to the exercise, you'll start massively craving good foods You'll finish a run and want nothing more than to chug a glass of water and eat a banana.
  
• Meditation: Meditation is amazingly powerful, just like exercise. The gist is that it teaches you to be very present. When we're going over stuff that's in the past (an ex girlfriend, or what someone said to you, or whatever), we're wasting energy on things we can't do anything about, because they already happened. Same goes for worrying about or thinking about stuff in future. We can only ever play the hand we're dealt. And that involves only being able to do stuff RIGHT NOW. In this moment. Being present will massively help you keep relaxed, de-stressed, less anxious, and it will also help you enjoy things. Like when you're having breakfast or eating a snack you like, you won't blink and realize it's gone and you spent the whole time eating it but thinking about other stuff. Instead, you'll be present, in that moment, enjoying that food or drink 100%. You'll savor every bit. I hugely recommend getting an app like Calm or Headspace. Both have free trials for anywhere from a week to a few weeks. There's also a bunch of completely free meditation apps and youtube videos and things. These guided meditations help a lot because you don't have to look up "how to meditate" or whatever, you just sit comfortable somewhere quiet, put a pair of headphones on, and relax. If you practice this every day, first thing in the morning, and make a habit of it like brushing your teeth (or brushing your mind!), you'll notice a huge difference. It will help you calm any negative voices in your head and know that those thoughts will still pop into your mind now and then, and that's ok. You just let them drift past, instead of giving them any attention. Meditation is amazing. Try it for a couple of months!
  
• Socializing: Humans are social creatures. We need to chat with other people in order to feel good. You said you're starting some classes next week. GOOD. Be brave, and reach out to make friends with the people you're in class with. Try and arrange to meet up with people after class to talk about what happened in class, and get to know each other. Organize getting together to work on scenes or exercises together and watch movies, go to plays together, and go get a cup of tea after and talk about them together. Also, try chatting to strangers more. Be brave. Ask someone about the book they're reading, if they've read other stuff by that author, do they recommend it? Take an interest in people, if you introduce yourselves then remember their name (and use it!). Be attentive to what they say and ask them questions. If they talk about something, ask how long they've been doing it, what they like about it, etc. Ask about it as if you're an actor researching a role where you need to know about or do that thing. A lot of people aren't used to this kind of contact and will kind of close down a bit. But try! But you'll be surprised, sometimes you'll have lovely 2 minute chats with people, and you might learn something. And for anyone who you're friends with who doesn't live in Copenhagen, reach out to them! Google Hangout is free and a great way to keep in touch with people. Use that or Skype or Facetime or something, and have little 15 minute or hour-long catch-ups with people you care about. All of this stuff will make a world of difference in terms of how connected you feel to people and how lonely you feel.
  
• Reading: Minimizing your electronic device usage in bed will help you sleep better. Reading is a wonderful way to relax you in the evening. Take 30-60 minutes every night as the last thing you do before drifting off, to jump into a book. Try some novels that are in genres you like, try some novels that are in genres you don't like but that people rave about. Classics. Modern award winners. Novels engage your brain in a different way to other types of stimulation. They also make you more empathetic and emotionally connected. You can also switch off between a novel and something like this or [this] (https://www.amazon.com/Power-Habit-What-Life-Business-ebook/dp/B0055PGUYU#nav-subnav), which are amazing books that will help you a lot on your journey to getting more out of your life and feeling better about things.
  
  All of the above should be the priority here. Your health is #1. If you look after yourself emotionally and physically, you'll be way better set up to deal with all the BS in life and enjoy yourself and form and maintain good relationships with people, and to be motivated and energized about working on acting (or anything else).
  
  Acting is amazing. But it's very fucking hard. For most actors, it's a tough lifestyle. To pursue it, you have to be cool to roll with the fact that most of the time it's hard work. It is a job. You have to work at it. Actors get rejected all the time. It's part of the job. You have to work hard to be in a good spot emotionally and physically in order to help deal with that. So, like I said, for now, it may be worth putting a lot of energy into that stuff.
  
  I hope some of this is helpful. Sending you love and good vibes from the other side of the world. xxxx

EDIT: Sorry, this is really really long and I can't really give it a TL;DR, but there's a few points in bold to help you out!

1. Happiness isn't something you find, it's something you create.
   
   This is a concept that took me a while to understand. I could see all the people around me looking happy, people on social media posting about their amazing lives, and poor little me, comparing my sad shitty life to these amazing things.
   
   There's a few problems in there, though. One is comparison to others, another one is understanding what others' lives are really like, and a third one is ignoring the good thing. Let's start with the third point, because it ties back nicely to my first sentence.
   
   I firmly believe that you can change your mindset from negative to positive. I also firmly believe that it can be incredibly difficult to do, and it has taken me 3 months of therapy to work out how to do it. Sure, I could explain the theory, but having someone to report to every week is what really made a difference here.
   
   I believe that happiness is never too far away, but that you need to adjust your "happiness lens" to find it. If you've got a massive telephoto happiness lens, you'll spot others' happiness much more easily than the factors that could bring happiness to your life. Take a step back, get a smaller lens that won't do a great job of focusing on things too far from you and your life.
   
   I find gratitude immensely helpful in understand where I can find happiness. There's a few things in life that always make me happy: going to bed, eating a tasty dish, listening to a song I used to love. These are tiny, but if you look closer, your days can be made of those happy little moments. All it takes is becoming aware of them.
   
   Today, for example, I didn't wake up too early. Then I had a lovely warm shower, go to play the piano a little and enjoyed the sun on my way to the train station. I got a seat on the train, my book reached a really exciting point, I ate a very tasty croissant for breakfast. This was all before 10am. These are all pretty insignificant, in the grand scheme of things, right? But their magic is that they're happening all the time.
   
   Action point: start practicing gratitude by listing 3 things you're thankful for each day (it can be having drank less, having found a useful Reddit post, having watched a cool film).
   
   Now as I mentioned earlier, being aware of what can go on in people's lives is pretty important. In our era of social media, perfect people flooding Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, etc. it can be difficult to put up with the awesomeness of these lives, their travels, dishes, outfits, fitness, etc. What's key to remember here, is that 1) we only see a tiny sliver of someone's life, 2) they usually only show you the really good stuff, because they care about being cool, 3) we have no idea what might actually be going on in their lives.
   
   Keeping up appearances is a behaviour that's incited by our self-policing society, where you must look a certain way, be at a certain stage in your life doing certain things, etc. People will go very far to pretend everything is fine when they're hiding a lot of misery behind a thin veneer of happiness. An example that comes to mind is disgruntled Instagrammers who spend most of their day trying to find the perfect angle for the perfect shot - they have 100 versions of the same picture, but you only see one. They'll be thinking of the time they wasted, how another Instagrammer is gonna look better anyway, the numbers of followers they lost, etc. That smile in that picture might be incredibly disingenuous for all we know.
   
   Action point: Try to think of the big picture. That perfect couple you see all the time on Facebook might be in a terrible relationship. Your favourite Instagrammer could be hiding a drug addiction, someone who's being quiet around you may actually be having big problems that they just haven't told you about.
   
   As for comparison with others, it's very easy to look at what people seem to have, compared to what you do/don't have. There's an image that stuck to my mind, though, which was that if you spent your time looking at your neighbour's green grass, it was no surprise yours was patchy and yellow. So find your watering can, and focus on you, and you only. It could be that you feel like you need a life overhaul, and that's fine. Pick one thing and focus on it. You want to do 10,000 things and you feel overwhelmed? Start with one thing. Add another one when you're ok with the first thing, then add a third one, etc. Nothing comes to mind? Think of something you'd like to have achieved in your life, and work back from that. It might take a while, and the path might not be so easy, but work will help.
   
   Learn to build discipline and habit so you have a safety net when things go awry. I really like /r/theXeffect for that, where you have a simple goal, a card with days on, and you cross out each da you've carried out the action on your card. One of mine was to brush my teeth after lunch, and now I do it automatically and don't even think about it anymore. Another one was meditating every day - this is still in progress, but I'm on a 30+-days streak.
   
   Action point: Find something that interests you and will help you be fulfilled - a habit, a hobby, a more general life goal, and develop a system to progress towards it. This will keep you occupied and you will develop a skill that you can later focus on honing.
   
   
2. Practice compassion and self-compassion
   
   It sounds like you have a lot of contempt for yourself and others. This ties back to having such a negative mindset that's probably very deeply entrenched in your own psyche, but being able to relate to the human condition as a whole makes it easier to appreciate others and yourself. Yes, a lot of people are dicks. What really matters here is that 1) they don't do it because they hate you, they do it because their lives have guided them to act that way ("People aren't against you, they're for themselves"), 2) we're only humans, we all make mistakes and this is something to be more accepting of.
   
   If someone finds pleasure in criticising or judging someone else on say, their clothes, or appearance, or anything, while there might be subjective truth to it (they don't look great in that jumper), the simple act of criticising/judging shows that that person is likely unhappy with some aspect of their life and are trying to make themselves feel better by putting someone else down. It's a sucky attitude, and it reflects more on the person's character than on the victim.
   
   A good solution for that is self-compassion. Self-compassion isn't about lovey-dovey statements about how you're perfect. Self-compassion is simply being kinder to yourself - understanding where you come from, what you've been through and accepting that even if this isn't the situation you wanted to be in, it's ok to be where you are. Failure is part and parcel of human life, and learning to see it as a way to growth will make life easier for you.
   
   Action point: Pick up something by Kristin Neff - her audiobook is a list of meditations to help you make peace with yourself and be more compassionate towards others as a result. Her book is good if you want the science behind it.
   
   Ultimately, what I mostly see is a lot of insecurity and lack of self-confidence that you take out on people. As a result of this negative mindset, you're finding it difficult to see the good in people, situations and life, and it's no wonder you feel so stuck. But that's ok. Sure, it's a crappy situation you're in at the moment, but you were smart enough to identify there was an issue, and brave enough to go to a doctor. Maybe your challenge could be to call that number your doctor give you and give it a chance? It might not be exactly what you feel you need, but it could also be a step in the right direction. If you're in a place where you feel you could help yourself, I recommend Mind Over Mood, which has exercises on re-training your brain to shift your mindset. I also recommend Carol Dweck's Mindset a lot, simply because it's a bit of a game changer on understanding how our brain works and how we're wired and can rewire ourselves. I've mentioned Kristin Neff above, and the last thing I would suggest you look at is Overcoming Low Self-Esteem, which has the explanation as to why we suffer from it, and some exercises to improve it.

Okay, in keeping with /u/Ginguraffe's comment, I'll answer the first, fifth, sixth, and eighth questions. I'll do the fifth and sixth for now and will get to the other two later.

>Why is marriage between 1 man and 1 woman when there are numerous examples of non traditional marriage in the bible? (Think king david/solomon with their numerous wives)

I wish to say firstly that the Catholic view of Scripture does not hold that the Bible is somehow a morality book (how could it be?), and the Old Testament in particular is viewed as a record of God's interactions with his people in an attempt to slowly guide them toward what in the New Testament is described as "grace and truth"—i.e. Catholicism holds that the Old Testament ought to be seen as a progression toward Truth himself.

Christianity, as I've mentioned in previous posts, is all about ἀγάπη, which is normally translated in English as "love," but there appears to be some confusion when I use that term. Perhaps the central truth about the nature of God that Christ revealed is that ὁ θεὸς ἀγάπη ἐστίν—"God is love." And yet when we say this, we must know what exactly is meant by ἀγάπη, "agape," which is a Greek term for a particular type of love. It refers to total, self-giving, self-sacrificial love, and we believe that this is the nature of God himself: total self-gift.

So God is total self-giving love. Let's say, then, that sex is perhaps one of the most important features of human life, and indeed, evolutionarily speaking, the most important feature of human life (though Catholicism would insist that love itself is more important). It follows that if God created us in his image, in the image of ἀγάπη, then human beings are called to reflect the nature of God and love totally in this, one of the most intimate aspects of human life. One must love totally, one must give him- or herself completely to the other. And loving totally, especially in a romantic context, implies a permanence and an exclusivity, and communicates this message: "I love you. There is nobody else in all the world I love in the way I love you. I love you just for being you. I want you to become even more wonderful than you are. I want to share my life and my world with you. I want you to share your life and your world with me. I want us to build a new life together, a future together, which will be our future. I need you. I can't live without you" (Pastoral Letter of the Irish Bishops, Love is for Life).

Simply put, unless a relationship is permanent and exclusive and has been deemed as permanent and exclusive by both parties (i.e. by marriage), then it is not possible to express total love in that context, which means that it is not possible to reflect the nature of God in that context. And yet remember that the nature of God as ἀγάπη was not revealed until Christ, and thus it would not have been expected of human beings to, you know, attempt to reflect the divine nature before knowing what it was.

>Why is homosexuality denounced when 1) the story of Sodom and Gomorrah does not actually refer to homosexality? 2) Jesus never speaks against homosexuality? 3) It's not one of the 10 commandments? 4) It's not one of the 7 deadly sins? and 5) If you are going to quote Leviticus 18, don't leave out the part about shellfish and wearing clothing made of 2 fabrics.

You'll see now that throughout this AMA my citing of Scripture has been, you know, very limited. This reflects the fact that the Catholic tradition, though we view the Scriptures as God-breathed, we believe also that Scripture is not the only source of authority in matters of faith—i.e. the continual witness of the Church throughout the ages is equally authoritative. Therefore Catholicism relies much more on logical theological constructs than does most of Protestant Christianity, the most heinous offenders being Evangelicals and the most annoying being this guy.

Firstly, homosexual attraction is not denounced as sinful. Let's take a look at what the Catechism of the Catholic Church says about the matter:

"tradition has always declared that 'homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered.' They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved.

2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God's will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord's Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition" (CCC 2357 - 2358).

The key phrase to zero in on is that the Church views homosexual actions as "intrinsically disordered." This is not to say that homosexuality is a medical disorder or a disease, nor that it is intrinsically evil, but rather that as an expression of the sexual faculty it is not properly ordered toward the telos of sex. I have explained in this post what the nature of Christian marriage is, and, if you'd permit me to quote myself:

>The Catholic view, articulated by John Paul II in the Theology of the Body, is that Christian marriage is a participation in the life of God. Before you continue further, I'll ask that you read the definition of God that I gave in this post. The following will not make sense unless you understand that the Trinity is a relationship of ἀγάπη between the Father and the Son, and that the love between the Father and the Son is so strong that it is, in and of itself, a third person: the Holy Spirit.

>If Christian marriage is a participation in the life of God, then it must necessarily reflect the relationship that God has with himself. On this view, the spouses act as the Father and the Son do; they give of themselves to each other totally, they exercise ἀγάπη to such an extent that they become, in a way, subsumed into one entity.

>Trinitarian love, however, is ordered toward the production of a third person: the love must be of such a character that it is ordered toward the coming forth of a third person, who in the Trinity is the Holy Spirit but who in a marriage is a child.

>Thus in order for a marriage to be Christian, in order for a marriage to mirror God, the love between the initial two persons must be ordered toward the "production" (for lack of a better word) of a third person. It is a theological construct that is consistent with our view of what the Trinity is."

Homosexual actions do fulfill the first requirement in that they would seem to unite the initial two persons in the relationship, the lover and the beloved. However since the Catholic view of marriage is necessarily related to the Catholic view of sex (see previous answer), marriage must be physically ordered toward the "production" (again, for lack of a better word), of a third person, who in the Trinity is the Holy Spirit but who in a marriage is a child. Therefore, for a marriage to actually reflect the divine nature, the love between the the lover and the beloved must be of such a character that it is inclined toward the coming forth of a third person who is neither lover nor beloved but is the tangible embodiment of their love.

This is all to say, then, that marital heterosexual relationships reflect the Trinity in ways that no other relationship of persons can, and that therefore it is the ideal, the telos, toward which human sexual actions ought to be oriented. There is an ideal, and homosexual actions fall short of that ideal (though they still express love, let's make that clear).

Something that I think is unfortunately not discussed as much as it should be is how to find the RIGHT therapy and therapist for you and what to do before the first session. After working unsuccessfully with a few therapists, I was lucky enough to find one who speaks INTP. :) That obviously makes a HUGE difference. I think him being male helps too (I suspect a lot of other women would prefer to see someone of the same sex, but seeing a male worked well for me). I had worked on myself for years, but by finding the right therapist, I found myself making progress at the pace that I would have expected to given the amount of effort I put in (which was a LOT). Suddenly I went from feeling like I was spinning my wheels, putting in tons of effort for very little progress, to feeling the happiest I'd felt in years—DESPITE the fact that I was experiencing emotional trauma the whole while. Here are some things I wish someone had told me before I started looking for a therapist:

Understand what you do (and don't) want to accomplish, determine what you are and aren't willing to do, and communicate that to the therapist. I Googled what I should expect in an evaluation appointment. You may need to prepare nothing—I was merely told to show up. But being me, I printed some things out beforehand to hand to the therapist. I included present and past diagnoses and treatments (so the therapist had a starting place), my symptoms, my goals (alleviating the symptoms, but also essential for me is understanding and solving the root problem), and desired approach (analytical). The therapist read it and chuckled. He said, "Well, that answers everything I was going to ask you," and then we took a few minutes to clarify some points. He briefly explained his approach to me and what I could expect. I was out of there in well under an hour.

Understand what approach you want to take. Some people want emotional validation and are annoyed when the therapist offers advice. That approach may work for them, but it doesn't work me—I'm not there for emotional validation, I'm there because I need someone else's help to find an effective solution to a problem I can't solve on my own. If exploring my emotions is part of the process, then I will gladly do it, but that's not WHY I'm there.

Understand that a really great therapy/therapist for one person will be an abysmal therapy/therapist for another. I currently see a therapist who, when I cry, does nothing more than wait and listen. He doesn't frown or make soothing sounds/statements or do anything at all to make me FEEL better. That works great for me (he is the only person on the planet I actually don't mind crying in front of and it's BECAUSE he doesn't try to comfort me), but I completely understand why that would instantly turn others off. Likewise, his approach (CBT) worked great for me (I suspect it's easier to work with your thoughts when you're already hyper-aware of them), but it doesn't work for everyone.

Understand that your problems may take some time. Don't go in thinking you'll have two sessions and wham, bam, thank you ma'am, your problems will suddenly be no more. That likely isn't realistic. If you feel knowing the information would make you feel better in some way, ask how long/how many sessions they estimate it will take to effectively address your issues—and understand that it's just that, an estimate, and may change as they uncover more. They're unlikely to even be able to answer that until you've had at least a few sessions. So understand that there is a time factor involved. (One of the most helpful things the therapist has said to me about changing behavior is this: "We severely underestimate how entrenched we are in old behavioral patterns. And we severely underestimate how long it takes to establish new ones." It takes practice, practice, and more practice to override old, maladaptive behavior patterns. Did I mention practice? Basically a lot of what I had been doing in the past would have worked eventually, I just haven't given it enough practice yet.)

Understand when to walk away. If you've given it a fair chance and things aren't working for you, TALK to the therapist about it. They're trained professionals, but they're not mind-readers. ;) If after discussing it they do not change their approach and do not tell you why, tell them you need to know that or you'll walk. (On the other hand, understand when an approach is not working for you vs. when you merely dislike it.) If the therapist or therapy isn't working for after a reasonable amount of time, find someone else who is better for you. Finding someone/something that works for you is huge, so don't be afraid to go through a few therapists before you find what you need (I don't think this is discussed very often).

Understand that the therapist holds the map, but you're in the driver's seat. You select the destination, you choose whether to follow the route you're given, and you do the driving. The therapist can only show you the way there, you're the one who is responsible for taking yourself there. Be willing to do the work and commit to it. The therapist may give you assignments, and they may or may not be unpleasant. Be ready to follow through. Have a buddy help you if you think you need it. I set alarms to remind me.

Extra credit: be willing to do work on your own as well. When I learned my therapist used CBT (an approach that worked fantastically for me because I'm very in tune with my thoughts), I did some research on it and purchased the book The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns and worked through the book on my own even as I was working with the therapist. I think therapy was more effective and efficient because of it. I also found a daily mood log worksheet (oddly enough, through an article about Overwatch) which I found particularly useful here:http://jameslstolz.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Dailymood.pdf

My therapist also pointed me to PsychologyTools.com:https://www.psychologytools.com/download-therapy-worksheets/

Meditation helped me quite a bit too. There are free apps, but I found the Waking Up app to be worth the price if you can afford it. And if you can't, check out "How much does the app cost" under FAQs for how to get a free subscription:https://wakingup.com/

Taking notes during sessions were useful to me because I remember them better to begin with, and have something to refer to when my brain can't retain it all. Taking notes outside the sessions helps me record my discoveries and allows me to remember any questions to ask in pending sessions. And taking notes as I was working through some outside materials was also useful. I know note-taking won't help everyone, but I've found them indispensable.

Metrics were also really useful to me. Periodically taking an inventory of my symptoms over time helped me see that I was improving much more rapidly than what it felt like. I was too close to my problems to be able to see it objectively, but numbers don't lie. And seeing the numbers fall in the recurrence and severity of my symptoms gave me hope (which was huge).

I wish you the best of luck. Don't wait a minute longer to get help than you have to, otherwise you may find yourself mourning the years of your life that feel like they were lost because you didn't take action when you could have (I lost two decades that might have been the best years of my life if I'd sought a therapist earlier). Your life can be so much better than it is. Make finding help to get there a top priority. :)

This would be an excellent subject for a standalone post: Pragmatic dharma's take on child rearing.

I've found that Fred Rogers was the ultimate master in this regard. Although he was Christian, he didn't discuss religion or religious topics on his show. Instead, he focused on basic principles of morality -- loving oneself and one's neighbor, kindness, allowing one's feelings and being respectful of the feelings of others, and so on. (Daniel Tiger, the modern manifestation of Fred Rogers' excellent program is equally quality.)

We try and follow the Fred Rogers school in my house as best we can. Apart from that, here are some of the other things we have worked on:

• The importance of "ohana" or family; not just our immediate family, but a family that includes all creatures and all beings. (Lilo and Stitch is an excellent movie for teaching this principle.)
  
• An emphasis on work and service over pleasure seeking. Work and service are "healthy foods" in life; movies, shows, and games are "dessert" that we enjoy as rare treats only if we've gotten our work done. (This principle must be taught by example, obviously. If you're preaching about work but spend all day on Netflix or grinding ranks in League of Legends, it won't work -- children have a keen eye for hypocrisy).
  
• Dharma in the rough. Enjoying the song "Don't worry, be happy." I emphasize Buddha's parable of the two arrows in as many ways as possible. I love the beginning of this song, which goes something like: "Every life will have some trouble, but when we worry we make it double." Finding dharma in accessible pop culture that children enjoy is always like finding a diamond. I love sharing these things with the kid.
  
• Not shying away from religion. We tell stories about the ancient masters, whether that's Fred Rogers, the Buddha, or Jesus. Kids love these stories, and there's a reason why the world's ancient religions are the world's ancient religions, even if human ignorance has corrupted the teachings at times. Delve back into those teachings and share them in a way that comports with whatever wisdom you have developed. My kid is five years old, and here is what he knows about "God" based on what I have told him (and this is a delicate conversation because his mom and mom's husband are scientific-materialist atheists with a nihilistic bent):
  
  • God is like a loving papa, a warm, loving presence that never leaves him.
    
  • My idea of "God" (see above) is just an idea and cannot fully capture the essence of "God" that goes beyond words or ideas or our imagination.
    
  • The best way to know if somebody really knows God is to tell them that their idea of "God" is stupid and see how they react. If they laugh, there's a chance they know God. If they respond with kindness, there's a chance they know God. If they get angry, they do not know God (as I have defined him). (He then told me my idea of God was stupid, and I told him: "Well done.") (N.B.: This may be terrible advice, but somehow I was moved to share it...)
    
• Growth mindset. If you're not familiar with the concept of "growth mindset," I recommend Carol Dweck's book by this name. Carol is a Stanford researcher who has studied two mindset archetypes -- growth and fixed mindsets. Growth mindset is the belief that our qualities are not fixed, and we can grow through right effort and diligence. Fixed mindset is the belief that our qualities are fixed at birth, and we cannot change them. These mindsets fall along a spectrum, and one person may apply different mindsets to different areas of their life (intelligence, athletic ability, artistic ability). Research has consistently shown that fixed mindsets lead to negative outcomes, and growth mindsets lead to positive outcomes. Here is an example of the different mindsets expressed as statements. Preaching growth mindset is transformative. Failures and mistakes become a celebration for learning. "Being good" is de-emphasized: applying practice and effort toward a goal is cherished. It gives the household a chance to rally around the idea of constant growth, individually and as a family.
  
• Family dinners. A great ritual to emphasize the family values. We aim to always share our "rose and thorn" of the day, state one thing we're all grateful for, explain an act of kindness that we performed, and talk about a mistake we made and what we learned from it. Depending on the night, the kid might be more or less in the mood to share, but again, a great time to emphasize values.
  
  Anyhow, just some ideas for you based on my experience and practice with this bit of dharma. :)

I know exactly where you are coming from man. I follow the same exact line of thinking, but I get laid plenty.

I see the logic: If you have nothing to say, it feels fake (disingenuous, insincere) to initiate a conversation with a stranger. If you aren't outgoing, it seems fake (artificial) to act outgoing. You feel like you shouldn't have to (or want to) act disingenuous, insincere, and artificial for the sake of getting laid. There is cognitive dissonance to this; /r/seduction says we have to self-realize and be genuine in order to create quality relationships, but at the same time it encourages us to better ourselves (in our case, be outgoing, have interesting things to say, and seemingly stick our noses in other people's business despite our resignation about it). It is literally impossible for a person to be who they are while simultaneously changing who they are.

...or so it seems.

Here are a few points:

• You sound depressed. Seriously explore this if you have not already.
  
• You are thinking too black and white (I know, that's the logical, literal thing to do). Try to understand that people, including yourself, are dynamic and there is lots of grey area to life. The grey area is EXACTLY where the successful player lives. Explore this.
  
• You have what's called a "set" mindset. The opposite of that is a "growth" mindset. You can change this. Check out this book
  
• You can improve yourself without changing who you are fundamentally. This is where people keep talking about social skills as being learnable skills. Like martial arts or something. You don't start out as a ninja, but after years of practice you eventually become one by definition. Sometimes you just have to force yourself to practice and it's uncomfortable.
  
• You truly can fake it if you want, but it's a lot harder that way. Matter of fact, what most people here fail to ever state is that most attempts at seduction are made strictly for the sake of getting laid, and are therefore completely disingenuous. Makes no sense, right? That goes against everything books like 'Models' stand for. But guess what? It still works! This, again, is where people keep talking about social skills as being learnable skills. Fake it 'til you make it.
  
  You can utilize that logical side of you to get ahead in your lovelife:
  
  
• Examine your priorities: What is TRULY important to you? If it's getting laid, and you are not getting laid, then clearly something MUST change for you to realize your endeavors. The same goes for anything you pursue in life. Want banana...don't have banana...must reach hand toward banana. If you would rather be lazy than reach your hand out then clearly we know where your priorities lie. Seduction is rarely a case where you can have your cake and eat it too.
  
• Think of social skills as something you can learn rather than something that is innate or static.
  
• You seem a bit self-centered. If you have no interest in people (genuine interest in who they are) then you literally cannot genuinely get to know them. You must change this and become interested in others. We cannot tell you how to do this. If you want a girlfriend then you must get to know her. In order to get to know her you must want to get to know her. If you don't want to get to know her, you will never have her.
  
• No one says you have to go for every hot girl. Some just may not pique your interest. There's no reason to go for them for a guy like you. But I guarantee there have been women in your life, even in passing, who you have had a true interest in getting to know. Perhaps they are few and far between, and that's okay. In fact, it's even better. It puts you in the role of the chooser. If 99 hot girls walk by and none pique your genuine interest then that's okay. But when that 100th girl walks by and you feel that feeling, then THAT is the moment you lock eye contact, smile, and approach. It will feel real. It will be real. You will have real questions to ask her. You will have real things to say to her. The more you do this, the more successful you will become at seduction and the more often your interest will be piqued.
  
• In regards to feeling like you have nothing to say, just talk anyway. It may feel awkward at first, but that's what growth is all about. Remember, other people see things from their own perspective. Most of people's brain power is being used up worrying about themselves anyway, so, the majority of the time, momentary awkwardness either doesn't get noticed at all or just floats away as fast as it appeared.
  
• Speaking of perspective, always remember that people are only interested in what you have to offer them. If you have nothing to offer then you are shit out of luck. This is why self-improvement is pushed so hard here. The first thing I think you should learn to offer women is how to have a genuine interest in them. People love it when others truly want to get to know them. The problem is, before you can have an interest in others you're going to have to focus inward and gain an interest in yourself.
  
  I hope you figure this stuff out. If it's going to happen then your mindset must change just like mine had to change. Get help if you have to. Cheers.

tldr: You have tremendous opportunities. There are tools to help you move forward more easily.

---

Just to be sure I'm understanding, how accurately does the following describe your situation?

• you've experienced lack of compassion, reliability, and accountability with family members;
  
• you continue to live with family for cultural, religious, and financial reasons;
  
• your family isn't emotionally healthy or emotionally supportive;
  
• you haven't found a role in society that you enjoy yet where society sufficiently supports to your lifestyle through compensation;
  
• you haven't gathered a reliable and consistent circle of friends yet;
  
• you believe you're not good enough or deserving enough to have your needs, desires, and dreams satisfied;
  
• you believe that your circumstances won't change, no matter what choices or actions you take, no matter what time, energy, money, and other resources you apply to change your situation;
  
• you believe that enduring suffering is the rational choice since influencing change is impossible;
  
• you experience depression plus loneliness in terms of companionship, friendship, and romance; plus,
  
• you dream of photography, writing, and travel.
  
  ---
  
  It sounds like your circumstances are difficult. At the same time, your current situation is a sign of your incredible wisdom and persistence; you've achieved a lot in a short period of time. You have tremendous potential to move beyond your current circumstances, onto a path where you can meet your needs, experience the things you desire, and pursue your dreams. Most notably, the following:
  
  
• you're in a sufficiently/minimally healthy and safe place with free housing and meals;
  
• you're aware of your struggles and exploring potential solutions;
  
• most people earn their bachelor's degree at 22; you have a Masters degree at 23;
  
• most people are in significant debt, not just college related, at age 23; you have $11k in savings; and, most importantly,
  
• your have incredible wisdom and persistence, very powerful foundations to make change;
  
  ---
  
  Do you have a life coach or mental health therapist? It sounds like you might experience learned helplessness.
  
  ---
  
  Have you explored meditation and mindfulness? It might be helpful to either read, listen to, or watch content related to meditation (to quiet the internal negative voices) and mindfulness (to embrace natural suffering of life while inspiring experimentation to use your experiences, talents, and other resources to improve the world around you as much as possible, not only for yourself, but also for others around you). Regardless of your religious and spiritual beliefs, meditation and mindfulness might offer many useful perspectives and habits that are compatible with most (if not all) religious and spiritual communities. Perhaps just start with listening to Acknowledging Suffering by Gil Fronsdal, which is part of The Twelve Steps to Freedom series while your mindlessly browsing the 'nets. Or, Suffering and the End of Suffering Series - Talk 1, Talk 2, Talk 3, and Talk 4. Note the concepts that resonate most with you, then explore those using a variety of mindfulness and meditation resources, perhaps including the following:
  
  
• Common Ground Meditation Center Audio Library
  
• Dharma Seed Audio Library
  
• Thich Nhat Hanh Dharma Talks Blog/Audio
  
• Amaravati Buddhist Monastery Audio Library
  
• Audio Dharma
  
• Shambhala Meditation Center Audio Library
  
• Awake in the World Podcast
  

• The Daily Meditation Podcast
  

  
  

  ---
  

  
  

  Have you read Tao of Pooh written by Benjamin Hoff? Imagine you are a block of wood. Would it be better – more compassionate, more wise, and more persistent — to shape yourself to fit into the world as it is, or find a place where you naturally fit in as you are, or a little bit of both?
  

  
  

  ---
  

  
  

  Have you read the book The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom written by Don Miguel Ruiz? It suggests that simply doing 4 things will help to slowly improve your life and the world around you, perhaps not day-to-day or week-to-week or even month-to-month, but fairly noticeably from year-to-year, and certainly over an entire lifetime.
  

  
  

  ---
  

  
  

  Have you taken the Myers-Briggs personality test? It may be helpful to better understand your personality type and natural tendencies. Granted, personality tests are not 100% accurate. But, even if they are only 80% accurate, having some awareness about your personality and tendencies may be helpful for discovering the best path available for your life's journey. Sufficiently valid and reliable (and most importantly, free) versions of the test can be found via 16Personalities, Truity, and Humanmetrics. Once you identify your personality type, you can learn more about that type on those and other websites. Note that characteristics that resonate most with you. Ignore the ones that don't.
  

  
  

  ---
  

  
  

  Have you identified strategies to make the most of your limited time, energy, talents, finances, and other resources with your unique circumstances given the world around you? What are your strengths and weaknesses? What opportunities and threats/challenges exist in the world around you? How might you apply your strengths to the world's opportunities as your unique empowerment strategies? How might you apply your strengths to the world's threats/challenges as your unique improvement strategies? How might you apply your weaknesses to the world's opportunities as your unique assistance strategies? How might you apply your weaknesses to the world's threats/challenges as your unique avoidance strategies? For example, in a table like this with 3 to 5 bullet points in each of the 8 main sections (i.e. not the upper left-hand corner box):
  

  
  

  External / Internal | Strengths to Maximize | Weaknesses to Minimize
  

  ---------------------|:------------------------:|---------------------------:
  Opportunities to Maximize | Empowerment Strategies | Improvement Strategies
  Threats / Challenges to Minimize | Assistance Strategies | Avoidance Strategies
  
  ---
  
  What are your core values? What do you believe is the purpose of life, in general, or better yet: the purpose of your life, specifically (especially if you've identified strategies to make the most of your limited time, energy, talents, finances, and other resources with your unique circumstances given the world around you)?
  
  ---
  
  Have you explored how you might build a decently-paying job or career in light of your limited time, energy, talents, finances, and other resources with your unique circumstances given the world around you? Have you read Business Model You: A One-Page Method For Reinventing Your Career written by Tim Clark, Alexander Osterwalder, and Yves Pigneur? Or, explored ["how might I get started as a travel blogger or photographer?"](https://www.google.com/search?q=how+to+get+started+as+a+travel+(blogger+OR+photographer)
  

In my opinion: Nutrition is for losing (or gaining) weight and making sure you recover properly.

Cardiovascular training (literally heart and blood-vessel training) is for heart, vascular and lung health so you can run after a bus or take a flight of stairs without feeling like you are going to die. It helps you think more clearly, resist depression, and reduces risks of some of the most deadly diseases (heart attack, stroke, etc.)

Resistance training is for gaining or maintaining lean body mass and strength. This helps you look better naked, keeps your bone mass up, and as you get older, helps you recover more easily from slips and falls. It also is good for your metabolism: it helps with insulin sensitivity and each pound of lean mass burns 2-3x as much energy as a pound of fat, and it takes up less space.

Finally, stretching/mobility training will help you keep your youthful ranges of motion, reduce stiffness and pain, and reduce injury potential.

You need a balance of these four elements to be truly fit.

To answer your specific questions:

1. Yes, you have to maintain a calorie deficit to lose weight. There is no way around this. However, focusing on satiety (the feeling of being satisfied) will help. In my experience, foods that help with satiety without being high in calories are a. water b. fiber and c. protein. Fat can also help a meal stick with you, but a little goes a long way. Pure carbs (stuff with very little fiber) are tricky. This leads us to foods like lean meats, vegetables, fruits, and legumes (beans) and away from sugars and refined carbs (especially those with fat and carbohydrate together like cake, pizza, pastas, bread and butter, etc.). People have lost weight on all kinds of diets, so experimenting with what works for you is good. Tracking your calories and macronutrient (protein/fat/carbohydrate) intake with something like myfitnesspal.com can help. There are more "advanced" methods but starting there can help your basic awareness of when and what you're eating, and you can start to make tweaks and adjustments from there.
   
   
2. It's OK if you can't do purely running. Consider swimming, riding a bike, rowing or a low-impact alternative like an elliptical machine. If you have health insurance, consider seeing a doctor/physical therapist to give you specific ways to work with/around your limitations. Simply losing some weight can help with all kinds of orthopedic (bone-related) issues.
   
   
3. Lifestyle advice. It's about taking small steps and building habits. I recommend trying to break a sweat at roughly the same time every day. Do something laughably easy at the beginning, like going into the gym and doing a warmup, then leaving. The point is consistency by showing up over time. Find a program or work with a personal trainer who will design a program for your abilities, and stick with it. I personally recommend something that you do either every day (7 days a week) or at least 5 days a week during the work-week (Monday through Friday), purely because it's actually easier than going 3 days a week because you get into a habit of going at a specific time every day. You will have to carve out time for this, there are no two ways around it, but that time can be early in the morning, during lunch, or after work. If you join a gym, find one between home and work to help reduce the issues of going before or after work. Finding a program you can do at home is great as well and can help with logistical issues. You want to be there when your baby graduates high school and college and gets married, so you're investing in your future. I highly recommend the books "Atomic Habits" by James Clear, as well as "The Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg with more help on those fronts.
   
   
4. Lifestyle part 2, diet. I recommend doing a weekly or twice-weekly session of food preparation. If you have a 5-day a week workout habit, you can set aside two days to go shopping for healthy food and prepare healthy food in bulk. (Slow cooker and sous vide can help here, as well as the basic stove and oven.) Having a good breakfast, lunch, and dinner (or whatever meals match your plan) on hand will reduce the urge to grab something quickly for those meals, and it will force you to plan ahead, which really helps you stick to those decisions later. If you have trigger foods (like chips or pastries or something) don't bring them into the house. This doesn't mean that you can never eat your favorite food ever again, but it does mean that you want to have 80% or more of your nutrition match the goals that you have. Then when you have the food you like, you will enjoy it more.
   
   Sorry, I started in on this post and it got away from me. Hopefully you find some useful nuggets in here.
   
   TL;DR: You need to have a balance of nutrition, cardio, resistance, and mobility training. You have to have a calorie deficit to lose weight, so focus on foods that fill you up without a ton of calories. There are tons of cardio options that aren't running that will be easier on your joints. Lifestyle change is about changing your habits. Doing food prep really helps make losing weight easier.

Looks like you've heard some of the terminology, and now it's time to apply it. Have you read the book where this comes from? The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. There is a simplified website you can walk through too here. You don't necessarily have to change your cues and rewards, it's easier to change the routine.

Set some goals and targets. What exactly are you trying to achieve? To set a goal, it has to be specific, measurable, achievable, make it relevant, and in what time frame (this is known as the SMART criteria for setting objectives). You haven't told us what you need to work on, but it sounds like you want to study more, so I'm assuming that from now on. Don't just set a goal like "I want to read this textbook". Be more like, "I want to read and summarise x number of pages by y date by using z"

Once you've set a goal like that, then you can look at your habit loop. Your reward should be linked to your objective that you worked a bit on your studies/project etc, or that you didn't snack. Your cues seem like it's when you get up, and when you get home when you have time on your hands. You've set a wide 5h time frame when you get up. If you regulated your sleep more so that have a more predictable schedule, then you can put in time to the books. If you set aside 1h per day on studies for 1 month, that's 30h of solid work time there. If you put a cost on that and said $30/h for a tutor to help you, then that's $900. Ask yourself how much time and money you will waste keeping on doing what you're doing now and have a hard think about it.

From what I've read, your cues:

1. Waking up
   
2. Finishing breakfast
   
3. Getting home from work
   
   Rewards:
   
   
4. Getting social media fix
   
5. Good feelings from listening to music
   
6. Satisfaction from watching tv/movies
   
   Translating to the habit loop becomes (Cue > Routine > Reward):
   
   
7. Wake up > Check fb/reddit > social media fix!
   
8. Finish breakfast > Turn on Netflix > caught up on tv/movies!
   
9. Finish breakfast > Turn on music > dopamine fix!
   
10. Get home from work > Check fb/reddit > social media fix!
    
11. Get home from work > Turn on music > dopamine fix!
    
    This is where your goal and habit tie in. How do you feel when you achieve the milestones along the way in your goal? You feel good! That's dopamine as you've already identified. I know when I learn something new or do something well, you get that same feeling. Why not use that same thing as a starting point for your reward? Clearly you will need to give up your 8+h of slacking around on fb/reddit/netflix. I sincerely hope that you can see that this is the part that's hurting you. You will need to sacrifice something here, but in the long run, social media, watching tv and listening to music are not necessarily going to help you achieve your goals (unless intrinsically linked like you want to be a musician/actor etc).
    
    Some new habits you could try:
    
    
12. Wake up > Study > dopamine fix!
    
13. Finish breakfast > Study > dopamine fix!
    
14. Get home from work > Study > dopamine fix!
    
    Some further thoughts and questions I had:
    
    

• Do you have to work nights? Can you switch to a day job?
  
• Can you eat at work or on the way home so you don't snack when you get home?
  
• Can you sleep less? 8h is great, but if you could go on 6h, you could also get some time there
  
• Why do you feel the need to check social media so much? Can you cut down? (Is this a stupid old person comment?)
  
• Can you delay gratification? As in, can you focus on study during the week and then reward yourself with netflix on the weekend?
  
• Another thing you can try is to not turn your computer on when you get up and hit the books straight away
  
• Can you try streamlining your day more and fit in some exercise? This would also be beneficial to your energy levels
  
• I usually like to work with music in the background. If not too distracting, then you can do the same, and get some additional motivation/dopamine while studying
  
  Anyways, that turned out to be a monster post. Hope it helps. PM me if you want to talk further. You seem like you're heading into a dire situation and need help. Happy to lend a helping hand if you need mate.
  
  Cheers,
  Richy

Yes, I also have a minor case of Asperger's (now redefined as Autism on a severity scale). Sometimes I feel that there's nothing that can help Asperger's, but that's just if I'm letting myself be negative.

After 20 days or so, I definitely see a noticeable improvement in my openness with people, and my ability to express my true intentions when talking to people, even including complete strangers, to a degree. So keep at it.

However, one other major factor in my life right now is my practicing of mindfulness. Some people get into "meditation," and I quote it like that because I mean it as a formal meditation practice, where you physically sit down and do it, as compared to the meditation you can do in day to day life. I have done formal mediation sittings, and possibly I should make a point of getting back into those, but as long as you take time from your day and truly stop and do nothing, that can be considered the same thing.

Mindfulness, to me, is the process of taking a look at things from your heart instead of your mind. Letting things be and loving things exactly as they are (even if they are "bad"), so that you can then act out your life from your place of true intent, instead of from your reactive mind, which already confuses itself. I feel that being mindful of our actions and all things around us is one of the most useful ways of improving your happiness as an Aspie.

For example, if you are not where you "want to be" in your life, such as the conditions of no girlfriend, bad job situation, poor social life, etc., then the first step is to truly accept these conditions simply as they are! Whatever situation you are in, that is the exact place that you should start from since that is the only place that is reality. Just like if you wanted to travel to the other side of the world, at first it would seem like an daunting task, but if you lined up a car, plane ticket, hotel reservations, travel money, and a passport, then you could just take the steps one by one and go on your trip. The same is true with your life. You must start where you are, and with your life, "starting" from exactly where you are means accepting exactly where you are, deeply. From there you can take the next step openly and freely. If you don't accept where you are, your Autistic mind can easily get swept away in the "what-ifs" and the negativity. At least I know mine does if I'm not careful.

I know this isn't exactly what you asked, but it's what I can offer as advice as a fellow NoFapper/Aspie. I feel that mindfulness is extremely helpful with our condition. If you can do it right. There's no "right" way to be mindful, but I guess you can say there are wrong ways. At some point, if you can sift through the thoughts and sort out the ones that make you suffer from the ones that don't, then that is your answer. There are no right answers, there are only your answers.

Two books that have helped me on my journey are The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, which has been mentioned on NoFap before, and Loving What Is by Byron Katie (also mentioned before). The first is almost like one of the quintessential books on the topic, but can be a little more vague if you're not good at understanding "deep" stuff, although he does walk through some stuff in a pretty matter of fact way. The second is more practical look at things that utilizes a process known as "The Work" that helps you dissect negative thoughts and find out what is really true for you. And trust me, once you start acting out from a place of who you really are, and how you really feel, it's awesome!

It's not automatic. It's a work in progress. But it's great having another tool that goes with you. Whenever you have a "problem," you are in your mind, in your thoughts. Trust this. When something happens in the day, if you feel something's not right, you can apply some of the concepts, such as just coming back down to reality and feeling the energy in your body (Eckhart), or you can go through The Work and ask yourself, "Is that really true? Where would I be without that thought?" It's almost like you can be your own little Reddit, and answer questions for yourself! Lol.

tl;dr Mindfulness combined with NoFap can definitely help you see the improvements if you have Asperger's. It seems like mindfulness can help with NoFap, and vise versa. If you resist the urge, you are training yourself to be mindful, and if you can be mindful, you can resist the urge.

Here are links to those two books, if you are interested. If you'd like and can't afford, I'll buy them for you:

The Power of Now

Loving What Is

If you're really truly interested in mastering this hobby and applying yourself to learning it, here's what I would recommend:

1. Define short-term goals. Do you want to learn A, B, and C tricks? Do you want to work on body movement and dance? If you're having a hard time defining this for yourself, look to the spinners you respect and try to figure out what it is about their style you admire and would like to make a part of your own.
   
   
2. Schedule a regular practice. Make an appointment with yourself that you would keep just like an appointment at work. Remember: this is something you're doing for you? Who is more important to keep your promises to in your life than yourself? Doing this will also help keep you from the dreaded "I can't find time to practice" conundrum so many of us wind up in...make times for the things that are important to you.
   
   
3. Create a regular 20-30 minute warmup ritual before you practice. This could be your meditation or a dance warmup, a series of stretches, etc. Pick a piece of music you'll listen to whenever you sit down to do this or have a particular scent of incense you put on. For the spiritual out there, this ritual will help prepare you for the work you're about to do and focus your mind on the task at hand. For the scientific folk out there, this is classical conditioning: you're setting triggers to put your mind into a state of focus and eliminating outside distractions.
   
   
4. Structure your practice around your goals. Want to integrate gunslingers into your flow? Try for one week to get ten spirals and ten meteor weaves every single day, then next week up the ante and practice the transitions between a flower and these moves ten times. Want to work on your dance/flow? Set aside 10-20 minutes to just spin to music and explore the space around you. Some days you'll be on and make lots of progress and some days it'll feel like you're backsliding or hitting your head against the wall. Both are important to the learning process.
   
   
5. Define your overarching goals. What is it you want to do with poi? Do you want to have a fun physical hobby, perform with it, get into the tech world, etc? Figuring out what attracts you to the art will help you focus your energies on practicing those skills that are most in line with what you enjoy. Also be prepared that you may discover something in the course of your practice and experience that changes this dramatically. Reevaluate it every 4-6 months or so.
   
   
6. Learn to love the plateau. We love getting new tricks. We love the excitement of novelty--and it's really bad for us. It teaches us to value the temporary over building in the long-term. Mastery is a lifelong journey where the goal becomes subsumed more and more by the experience of getting there as time goes on. Plateaus are important because they allow you to refine the things you've just learned and polish them into a more beautiful form. It is inevitable that you will spend the majority of your time in the flow arts on a plateau of some sort or another, so the more you make your peace with it early, the easier that journey will become.
   
   
7. Become comfortable with solo practice. All the research we have on mastering skills at this point indicates that it takes thousands of hours of deliberate solo practice to become a virtuoso at a given skill. Spinning with people is fun and you will learn new things, but the majority of the progress you'll make will be on your own. This is harder for some people to adapt to than others, but it is an essential part of the journey (unless, of course, your goal is to become a virtuoso at partner poi ;)
   
   
8. If possible, find a good teacher/coach. A good teacher will push you when you need to be pushed, challenge you in ways you never thought possible, and guide you to becoming the best possible poi spinner that you can become. Sadly, this tends to be a luxury as good teachers in the flow arts world are extremely hard to find, but if you're able to find a good one make every use of their services.
   
   Good luck with your journey! It's been one of the greatest I've embarked on in my adult life :)
   
   Here are some books I would recommend on the topic:
   
   Mastery by George Leonard (talks a lot about mindset and learning to love the plateau)
   
   Talent is Overrated by Geoffrey Colvin (gives a lot of pointers when it comes to deliberate practice)
   
   So Good They Can't Ignore You by Cal Newport (lots of counterintuitive but useful info on developing skills)
   
   The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle (lots of great info about what to look for in a good coach/teacher)

It's a good question - a lot of people just assume they can't ever be rich.

No you don't need to get a degree. You don't need to get a high-paying job. You don't need to be Elon Musk unless we're talking billionaire rich.

Making money is about delivering value at scale. Either deliver a little bit of value to a lot of people, or deliver a lot of value to a few people. Or do both to rake it in - but this is usually harder.

The most accessible way to deliver value at scale is by building a business.

You also need to figure out why you want to be rich and what kind of rich. Do you want to build a massive empire and make hundreds of millions or does making a couple of million a year and getting to travel whenever you want sound better?

The basic steps are pretty simple. You've got to start by reprogramming your brain a fair bit. Rich people - especially entrepreneurs, don't think about the world in the same way as most people do. More on how to do this later.

After that you'll want to start exploring the opportunities open to you at the moment. There are lots of business models you can replicate and do really well with - you don't need to start completely from scratch and build something the world has never seen before. You would not believe the ridiculously niched business models people make stupid money from. Example - I know a guy who built an online health and safety testing form for oil rig workers that was making $20,000 a month.

When you're starting out it's a good idea to keep things simple and use it as a way to build your skills. You don't want to be trying to build the next Facebook while trying to learn the basics of business. You're probably not as smart as Mark Zuckerberg.

The point is you have to keep learning and learning and learning. You know the business section of the book store you've probably never looked at? Pick the right books and you can pretty much learn anything.

You've been fed a lot of bullshit your whole life - so you need to read:

BOOKS FOR REPROGRAMMING YOUR HEAD

• The 4-Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss
  It's pretty incredible how many successful people I've spoken to in the last few years have said something along the lines of "well it all started when I read the 4-Hour Work Week...". This is a great book that will give you a huge mindset adjustment and also a bunch of practical ideas and case studies of what you can do.
  
  
• The Millionaire Fastlane by MJ Demarco Yeah the book title sucks. But it's gold. MJ has quite a different approach to Tim Ferriss - so that's why I put it here. It's good to get multiple perspectives. The first hundred or so pages rip traditional thinking on wealth as well as guru advice to pieces - it's pretty funny.
  
  
• The Richest Man in Babylon by George S. Clason This is a quick and easy read but it's got some great core lessons.
  
  Those will give you a good start. Once you've picked something to work on, you'll want to start reading up on learning sales, mindset, strategy, mindset, business management, mindset and some more mindset. If you jump in you'll quickly find the hardest thing about business is usually dealing with yourself.
  
  Hit me up if you take action on this and I'll be happy to recommend where to go next :)
  
  

That's awesome!

EDIT: i just re-read my post and it sounds very self help bookish. ...sorry about that.

I bet Tesla would be a great company to work for and a great environment to be in. I'm definitely a fan of theirs. They're pushing the definition of what a car is, and what it takes to be successful. Hopefully they'll help you push how you define yourself and your success.

Some things I'd like to mention... (feel free to ignore them, as I am not yet old and wise, but they are some lessons I've learned since graduating)

I'm glad you're going to follow up with them, very few people remember this crucial step. If they blow you off on your first call, remember who you talked to, and call them back in a few days asking for that person by name. Don't be pushy, but be excited. If they seem friendly, you could ask if they like their job or if they have any pointers for you.

Big companies like Boeing and Lockheed Martin have very good reputations... and have done big things... but considering your goal is an internship, I don't know how much you will learn in that environment. There are so many layers of protocol, people have very clear definitions of their jobs and defined responsibilities. It may prevent them from thinking outside of the box ...and could stifle your creativity. You'll also spend a lot of time learning "the rules" of working there ... and "the rules" don't always translate across job descriptions.

Don't get me wrong, you'll need to work hard for a loooong time to do great things, but don't fall into that trap where you're not learning anything and think you'll eventually get rewarded for "putting your time in."

Keep a journal. Write down what you're excited about, how you learned it, what you want to do with it, who you've met (you will cross paths with people again), who you want to meet. Don't hold anything back. This helps when writing future resumes, as well as giving you the opportunity to brainstorm and build a framework of what you eventually want to accomplish. Learn something every day. The journal will force you to be accountable to yourself and to your future. It will also serve you well when you're considering quitting a job 2-5-10 years from now and can see how you progressed from where you are today to not being satisfied.

Find a company that is setting the new standards. Look for innovative internship programs with lots of exposure to new ideas and motivated leadership. Make sure you're not sitting in a cube reading reddit all day. It's harder to have access to the real movers and shakers the bigger a company gets. The smaller they are, obviously the more access you'll have to those situations that will define your future.

Find a mentor at your internship ... and don't just let anyone be your mentor. Pick some of those people on the Tesla wikipedia page and do some research about them. Write to them. Tell them exactly why you want to be a part of their team and that you've applied for an internship. Keep it short. When you eventually get a position, ask people waaaay over your head if you can have lunch with them sometime to pick their brain. They'll be flattered and you will show your desire to learn.

Don't be arrogant. Try not to talk about yourself. You're there to learn. Ask lots of questions. When you get an interview, ask : what they like most about their job, the hardest part of their job, and what that dislike most about their job.


Some books that inspired me:

Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life - Donald Trump

Granted, he can be a douchebag, but his advice in this book is solid, and he is successful. Read the reviews, they give you a better idea of how you'll react to the book.

The Four Hour Work Week - Tim Ferriss

Not that you're shooting for working four hours just yet, but his advice about focus and success can be applied in many ways.

Here's a list of books I've read that have had a big impact on my journey.

First and foremost tho, you should learn to meditate. That's the most instrumental part of any spiritual path.

 Ram Dass – “Be Here Now” - https://www.amazon.com/Be-Here-Now-Ram-Dass/dp/0517543052 - Possibly the most important book in the list – was the biggest impact in my life.  Fuses Western and Eastern religions/ideas. Kinda whacky to read, but definitely #1

Ram Dass - “Journey Of Awakening” - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B006L7R2EI - Another Ram Dass book - once I got more into Transcendental Meditation and wanted to learn other ways/types of meditation, this helped out.

 Clifford Pickover – “Sex, Drugs, Einstein & Elves…” - https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Drugs-Einstein-Elves-Transcendence/dp/1890572179/ - Somewhat random, frantic book – explores lots of ideas – planted a lot of seeds in my head that I followed up on in most of the books below

 Daniel Pinchbeck – “Breaking Open the Head” - https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Open-Head-Psychedelic-Contemporary/dp/0767907434 - First book I read to explore impact of psychedelics on our brains

 Jeremy Narby – “Cosmic Serpent” - https://www.amazon.com/Cosmic-Serpent-DNA-Origins-Knowledge/dp/0874779642/ - Got into this book from the above, explores Ayahuasca deeper and relevancy of serpent symbolism in our society and DNA

 Robert Forte – “Entheogens and the Future of Religion” - https://www.amazon.com/Entheogens-Future-Religion-Robert-Forte/dp/1594774382 - Collection of essays and speeches from scientists, religious leaders, etc., about the use of psychedelics (referred to as Entheogens) as the catalyst for religion/spirituality

 Clark Strand – “Waking up to the Dark” - https://www.amazon.com/Waking-Up-Dark-Ancient-Sleepless/dp/0812997727 - Explores human’s addiction to artificial light, also gets into femininity of religion as balance to masculine ideas in our society

 Lee Bolman – “Leading with Soul” - https://www.amazon.com/Leading-Soul-Uncommon-Journey-Spirit/dp/0470619007 - Discusses using spirituality to foster a better, more supportive and creative workplace – pivotal in my honesty/openness approach when chatting about life with coworkers

 Eben Alexander – “Proof of Heaven” - https://www.amazon.com/Proof-Heaven-Neurosurgeons-Journey-Afterlife/dp/1451695195 - A neurophysicist discusses his near death experience and his transformation from non-believer to believer (title is a little click-baity, but very insightful book.  His descriptions of his experience align very similarly to deep meditations I’ve had)

 Indries Shah – “Thinkers of the East” - https://www.amazon.com/Thinkers-East-Idries-Shah/dp/178479063X/ - A collection of parables and stories from Islamic scholars.  Got turned onto Islamic writings after my trip through Pakistan, this book is great for structure around our whole spiritual “journey”

 Whitley Strieber – “The Key: A True Encounter” - https://www.amazon.com/Key-True-Encounter-Whitley-Strieber/dp/1585428698 - A man’s recollection of a conversation with a spiritual creature visiting him in a hotel room.  Sort of out there, easy to dismiss, but the topics are pretty solid

 Mary Scott – “Kundalini in the Physical World” - https://www.amazon.com/Kundalini-Physical-World-Mary-Scott/dp/0710094175/ - Very dense, very difficult scientific book exploring Hinduism and metaphysics (wouldn’t recommend this for light reading, definitely something you’d want to save for later in your “journey”)

 Hermann Hesse – “Siddartha” - https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/siddhartha-hermann-hesse/1116718450? – Short novel about a spiritual journey, coming of age type book.  Beautifully written, very enjoyable.

Reza Aslan - “Zealot” - https://www.amazon.com/ZEALOT-Life-Times-Jesus-Nazareth/dp/140006922X - Talks about the historical Jesus - helped me reconnect with Christianity in a way I didn’t have before

Reza Aslan - “No god but God” - https://www.amazon.com/god-but-God-Updated-Evolution/dp/0812982444 - Same as above, but in terms of Mohammad and Islam.  I’m starting to try to integrate the “truths” of our religions to try and form my own understanding

Thich Nhat Hanh - “Silence” - https://www.amazon.com/Silence-Power-Quiet-World-Noise-ebook/dp/B00MEIMCVG - Hanh’s a Vietnamese Buddhist monk - in this book he writes a lot about finding the beauty in silence, turning off the voice in our heads and lives, and living in peace.

Paulo Coelho - “The Alchemist” - https://www.amazon.com/Alchemist-Paulo-Coelho/dp/0062315005/ - Sort of a modern day exploration of “the path” similar to “Siddhartha.”  Very easy and a joy to read, good concepts of what it means to be on a “path”

Carlos Castaneda - "The Teachings of Don Juan" - The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge https://www.amazon.com/dp/0671600419 - Started exploring more into shamanism and indigenous spiritual work; this book was a great intro and written in an entertaining and accessible way. 

Jean-Yves Leloup - “The Gospel of Mary” - https://www.amazon.com/Gospel-Mary-Magdalene-Jean-Yves-Leloup/dp/0892819111/ - The book that finally opened my eyes to the potentiality of the teachings of Christ.  This book, combined with the one below, have been truly transformative in my belief system and accepting humanity and the power of love beyond what I’ve found so far in my journey.

Jean-Yves Leloup - “The Gospel of Philip” - https://www.amazon.com/Gospel-Philip-Magdalene-Gnosis-Sacred/dp/1594770220 - Really begins to dissect and dive into the metaphysical teachings of Christ, exploring the concept of marriage, human union and sexuality, and the power contained within.  This book, combined with the one above, have radically changed my perception of The Church as dissimilar and antithetical to what Christ actually taught.

Ram Dass - “Be Love Now” - https://www.amazon.com/Be-Love-Now-Path-Heart/dp/0061961388 - A follow-up to “Be Here Now” - gets more into the esoteric side of things, his relationship with his Guru, enlightenment, enlightened beings, etc.

Riane Eisler - “The Chalice and the Blade” - https://www.amazon.com/Chalice-Blade-Our-History-Future/dp/0062502891 - An anthropoligical book analyzing the dominative vs cooperative models in the history and pre-history of society and how our roots have been co-opted and rewritten by the dominative model to entrap society into accepting a false truth of violence and dominance as “the way it is”

Hey Dude,

I get the whole Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde (mini-gnar / mega-gnar) thing you experience, and the frustration that comes out in game. I bet you can start a game with all the intention of being nice and kind to veryone, and by the end as things fall apart your raging in all-chat, right? And then afterwards, you're kinda embarrassed, but also frustrated and wanting to jump back into the game immediately to make up for the last game. I experience a lot of this myself, and have done lots to help correct myself.
There's a few things I'd like to mention:

General Thoughts

• I don't think it has to do with anonymity, like others have mentioned. I believe this is a naïve view of the issue. If you are anything like me, this same frustration comes out
  when playing competitive games face-to-face with friends (board games, sports, etc.). Obviously you aren't as vocal about it, but your competitive nature probably kicks in and you want to win above all else. The trick, I believe, is to re-wire your habitual response (since you are acting instinctually, you need to change your instincts) and perspective (to help you properly evaluate the situation). I'll get more into this in a little bit.
  
• The real issue is emotions, and doing a better job of letting those emotions serve you best in-game. Would you say you are an emotional person?
  
  RE: Perspective
  
  
• One thing that has made a big difference for me and how I view the game is the philosiphy of Stoicism. Marcus Aurelius is probably the most famous Stoic, with his classic writings 'Meditations'. Stoicism is one of the oldest 'self-help' movements, and is credited as the basis for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (psychological treatment for people with different psychological disorders, such as anxiety, OCD, anger). Stoicism is all about focusing on the things within our control, and accepting the things that aren’t. It’s a philosophy of having complete control over your mind and actions, regardless of your life’s circumstances. This book is a good introduction though perhaps not perfectly accurate, it will give you a good starting point. There is a good subreddit over at /r/Stoicism if you want to check it out.
  There’s a great quote at the top of that subreddit right now:
  
  >“Who then is invincible? The one who cannot be upset by anything outside their reasoned choice.”
  
  
• Rethink how you react to the other players in the game. Don’t take their mistakes as direct slights against you, or as personal attacks on you, or as purposeful attempts to lose the game. They are only human, and are trying to improve at the game, just like you.
  
  >“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” – Marcus Aurelius
  
  
• Focus on things within your control. No matter how much you resist it, you cannot win every game. Even Challenger players lose games when they are climbing on new accounts. There are too many factors outside of your control in solo-q. The only thing within your control, is having the biggest impact on the game you can. This includes not only mechanics and laning, but also attitude and teamplay. Just as you should use your mind to improve your mechanics / laning, you can control your response to things within a game, such that you give your team the best chance of winning. Flaming and ‘int’-ing doesn’t help the outcome of the game, and makes it worse. I’ve had many games that we won, because I encouraged my team not to give up early when they wanted to. The proper response to in-game events is crucial. Tackle this skill just like you would practice last hitting. It is a skill that will help you win games.
  
  >“You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” – Marcus Aurelius
  
  RE: Habits
  
  
• Most of what we do in our lives is habits. And understanding this is crucial to change. I’ll do my best to explain it here, but for a better understanding check out Charles Duhigg’s work “The Power of Habit”. I’ll reference his appendix, which can be found here. Have a read through that after this discussion for a more thorough understanding.
  
• Scroll down the page above until the first feedback loop with “Cue”, “Routine”, “Reward”. This is how our habits work. We are given a Cue, and we jump into a Routine prompted by that Cue, because we expect a given reward. This is all at a sub-conscious level. The trick is we can re-program some of these habits, through deliberate practice / change.
  
• Let’s imagine for right now that you rage in the following fashion:
  Cue: Your bot lane doesn’t rotate up to help you, while you are getting attacked by their mid laner in jungle in bottom river
  Routine: Your frustration builds up because you think about how different the game would be if not for your stupid bottom lane. You start getting angry. You want to relieve this anger by looking to blame the bot lane for their poor play. You start flaming.
  Reward: Though temporary, your emotions are relieved slightly. Internally, you feel slightly better because your emotions / anger have come down. At least until the next screw up….
  
  We need to re-write this script somehow. Here’s a basic idea of what I’d do:
  
  
• For 4-5 games, pay attention to the different cues that piss you off. Keep a journal / paper by your desk, and after you are done flaming / in the defeat screen, write down the different types of things that set you off.
  
• With these things identified, we can properly script our response to these specific cues. The most basic response is instead of thinking about what should have happened, had your team responded properly, instead focus on what you could have done better. Could you have gotten a kill in the trade? Was your decision making wrong? Allow the satisfaction of focusing on yourself, and avoiding raging at your team to be your reward (it’ll feel good, trust me). Instead of the following Cue-Routine-Reward habit being Death-Rage-Relief, try to make it Death-Reflection-Satisfaction. Practice making your first instinct after a death to think about yourself instead of your team. Honestly make this a habit. You can keep a score card to see how often you rage vs. reflect.
  
• The basic idea is that you can only perform one ‘routine’ at a time. So instead of defaulting to your ‘flaming routine’, you need to overwrite it with your ‘reflection routine’. For a series of games, I made it a habit of immediately typing ‘mb’ after I felt like I made a mistake in game. It immediately defuses the situation, and makes you take responsibility for yourself. It also gives you practice in not giving a shit if you make a mistake.
  
• There are many ways to re-write your routine for given cues. I have found that simply having knowledge of the cues and practicing your response beforehand to those cues (keep it basic) will better equip you in game, when your lizard brain takes over. Try taking a couple of breaths after each death. Read yourself a pre-written mantra such as “I only have control over myself and my reaction to the game”, or “What could’ve been is not important for this game, only what actually is, is important”, or “My team is only human like me”. Put it on a cue card to have easy access to read it (you won’t remember it), or on a sticky note beneath your monitor.
  
  Random Thoughts
  
  
• Would you intentionally sabotage the start of a game? Feeding each of the other lanes a kill to give them an advantage? Then why flame your team? It gives the enemy an enormous advantage before the game has even been decided! I’d say 20-40% of the games I win are comebacks, so never give up, and do everything in your power to help your team win.
  
• Ask yourself what you hope to accomplish by flaming your team or feeding. What is the reward you are giving yourself?
  
• Change won’t be easy, but must be effortful

Hey friend, first off - go easier on yourself. Part of the process of making progress comes when you believe you're worth the effort and start treating yourself as well you would someone you love. It sounds corny, but really it's huge because it shifts your priorities pretty drastically in the direction of making positive changes.

I've been exactly where you are. I'm still working on getting better everyday. By posting and asking for help to change you've already gotten better today. Now get a little bit better tomorrow. Than again. Marginal, consistent improvement eventually adds up to exponential change. Just like your bad habits took years to creep up and form, your good habits will take time to establish.

Sometimes understanding how your brain works can help you to change the way it works. Check out: The Power of Habit.

Model yourself after people you admire. If that's not anyone you know personally right now, look to your cultural heroes. Read/listen/watch about how they started out, what choices they made and habits they formed early. If you can't think of anybody to emulate start here: 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People, then start browsing related books from there. Educate yourself on HOW to change.

Figure out your WHY. Why do you want to make these habit changes? Write it down. Look at it everyday, and put it in your mind. Let it affect your choices and shape your habits into better habits.

​

There's tons of motivating material out there in the world - if you find it helpful, put it in front of you more often. Recurring bursts of motivation can get you over the initial hump of building discipline to form new habits. Also, this video from Will Smith genuinely inspires a different way of thinking about yourself and the world (seems like a joke, but Fresh Prince is inspiring as hell.) That's all I'll list, go out and find your own inspiration.

​

Good luck.

​

TL;DR - Every *morning tell yourself...

“You are going to start working out, stop smoking, start a new hobby, and most importantly become a man.”

Then do it in the smallest way possible. Next day, add to it. Repeat. Repeat. Prosper!

​

EDIT: fixed some typo's.

I wanted to make a big reply at the bottom, but I think this thread will be grazed over in the next few days. However, I wanted to make it a point to reply to you, because I've been through what you've been through and to let you know that this stuff does work. Not because it's some "method," but rather it's changing how you perceive situations and how you walk into them.

Don't think of it as "Don't give a fuck" and "don't do anything" because that's not it at all. It's purely walk into every situation with zero expectations and you just being yourself. I've never been a guy that approaches women at a bar or in a social setting. Why? Because it's contrived, obvious, and I am not some stud that oozes confidence. It's really about being comfortable in the setting you are in, then being comfortable with yourself (yes, the rising anxiety OP describes is always bubbling up, right?), but you eventually get over the hump. After that, just continue doing what your doing and have situational awareness. At that point, I still won't approach a woman. Why? Because before I left my apartment, I had no intention and zero expectations of meeting anyone. I kind of strike that up to years and years of going out with that "pick up" mentality or the expectation that I'm going to meet some beautiful women that night. It never really happened, so it is quite easy for me now to go out with zero expectations of anything. Hell, I might not even have fun with my friends that night, or really suck at pinball, or the concert might suck, etc. Or all of that could be the opposite. The point I'm making is having zero expectations, but bringing a positive mindset. You are going out to "make yourself happy first" and everything is secondary.

That's the aura of confidence you are talking in your comment. If you're comfortable in your own skin and are moderately sociable, it's really easy to talk to people (men & women) and you look approachable yourself. This energy kind of carries over into the place you are in because you are just doing your own thing. You don't have an agenda. Don't have an agenda. Women sense that. And so do dudes! Have you ever been hanging out with your friends, and some weird guy interjects into your circle and throws the dynamic off? Women do that as well. On the flip side, the opposite is true. Some cool guy or girl simply makes conversation and it feels natural. There are a lot of things going on when that happens, but the ultimately, the vibrations they are putting out are non-threatening. Humans can sense that.

For me, this is how I approach dates as well. Zero expectations. I'm meeting a woman to have good conversation, have some drinks, hang out, and have fun. I want to have fun and I want them to have fun too. No agenda, no expectations besides having fun. Of course the nervous jitters are there and everything else, but all that will go away if you keep carrying on a conversation and getting to know them. Get out of that mental feedback loop of self-doubt and "Does she like me?" Who cares? Let your personality shine through, be respectful, be playful, and hang out. Everything else will unfold and if you dig each other, then that's date #2 if you want. Rinse and repeat. Next date, same thing. Naturally, your emotions and feelings will come out if you think there's chemistry. No need to think so much.

I struggled (still do) with anxiety, self-esteem, and all that, but things have gotten a lot better. I think it really comes down to accepting yourself, getting rid of that ego, and continually trying to improve yourself as well (career, health, exercise, dress). Those are the slow changes that are hard to observe, but like anything else you are putting effort into, you aren't really noticing them on a day-to-day basis, but one day you will. This stuff will all just start to click if you practice and put effort into it.

Sorry I rambled so much. I was going to add some more stuff, but those are just my thoughts. OP has a point though. We are thinking way too much about this and it cripples us mentally. No expectations, man. You do you. Enjoy the moment. Just be.

Read - Alan Watts: The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are.

You wrote:

>I will go through periods of binging, trying not to eat, and overall avoiding food while still trying to maintain a semblance of a normal life.

Overeating leads to undereating leads to overeating and on and on. The body really wants balance. Consider learning about hunger hormones. The body is wired to survive at all costs, and any undereating, especially if it is repeated, sends the hunger hormones in to overdrive. The cycle is hell, and part of the hormones's job is to make you think incessantly of food: the body fears its survival here. The key is balance, and when you start to eat regularly, it takes a while for the body to find balance, I'd say at least a week for the worst to subside. Try 3 healthy, energy giving ,fresh food (not packaged) meals by the clock, with three small (100-300 calorie, fresh fruit or protein rich) snacks in between.

>This has proven difficult, and I hate myself when I do eat

It is not unusual in our culture for people to not appreciate themselves. For me, I spent a lot of time learning to appreciate myself. It is work, and it is very worthwhile. Our self-talk seems to fall into comfortable ruts, and depressed mind likes depressed thoughts. Depressed mind does not want to change. It took me years to work through, and it made a huge difference. You can change your self-talk and learn to appreciate yourself. Here are some links that explain this further. Refuge Center, or the Mayo Clinic, or if you search for "affirmations" that could help.

Learning to be grateful for what you have right now (ability to see, to walk, to breathe easily, etc) can help you create positive thoughts, which, if nothing else, means you're not spinning out in negative ones. The disordered mind will try to negate these positive thoughts, it will fight them, and it's hard, but stick with the truth.

Learn to appreciate your inner qualities, such as your kindness, your sincerity, your creativity, your generosity. Train your mind to tie in a specific example of your actions showing this, such as. "I gave my dog attention and this is one way I am kind." "I spontaneously sent my aunt a postcard and this is one way I demonstrate my generosity," etc. A book, Reflective Journaling (free pdf version) has some good sections on learning to appreciate yourself. Also, Radical Acceptance is quite good, too.

>I see skinnier girls than me on the street, and hate myself even more.

This is comparing mind at work. There will always be people lighter than you, and always people heavier than you. A way to overcome jealousy is to be happy for another's happiness. If you think someone is more attractive, be happy for them. Just as if you had some success and you wanted friends to be happy for you, give what you want. Just be happy for them. Jealousy is a form of anger (aversion, you don't want it that way), which is said to be like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Also, our media portrays thin women as happy and sexy and successful, and has brainwashed us to believe that unless women look like 14 year old girls, we're not going to be happy or sexy or successful. Take an objective look at natural women's bodies. Go to a shopping mall, or other public place where there are a variety of ages present. Notice that most women over 22 have curves, and we don't look anything like a 14 year old, or an actress or model trying to sell a product-- remember, movies are products that movie makers want to sell.

Please seek help, if not your parents, then a teacher/professor, a medical doctor, or perhaps some of the links in the sidebars and the phone numbers they provide. More power to you!

It's nice of you to be so polite and open minded in your response! Personally I'm scraping below the surface of being an autodidact so you'll have to take everything I say with a pinch of salt, but for what it's worth I have a twofold response for you.

First, I would say that it's probably important to note that a lot of the philosophy I mentioned above came about, obviously, a long time before quantum physics. I was just suggesting a strong parallel between quantum physics/relativity and eastern philosophies. The writings and philosophical musings of some of the early quantum physicists are certainly original, and you could categorize them as amateur philosophy, but the resemblance to eastern philosophy is still striking.

In the past few decades there have been a lot of amateur philosophers who use the word "quantum" as sort of a meaningless buzzword, and that's sort of devalued a lot of the cultural content of quantum physics as you phrase it. For that reason, I'd definitely exercise a bit of a critical eye if you're going to get into the philosophy of quantum physics, and to be honest, I think that if you search around specifically for philosophies based on quantum physics you're going to find that a large amount of it is pretty much drivel. Put simply, it might be better to read some of the philosophies that inspired people like Schroedinger rather than reading the philosophies that are loosely based upon quantum physics. The Hindu philosophy of vedanta is a particularly good place to start, and an absolutely engrossing and fun book on the subject is by Alan Watts, called The Book: On The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are.

Secondly, in order to appreciate any of this you've got to respect the differences between eastern and western philosophy. In a lot of ways, they're totally different. A lot of eastern philosophies we in the west would consider to be religious in nature, which can make them quite difficult to swallow. To get past this, you have to respect what I would argue is the chief difference between eastern and western philosophy, which is that while western philosophy is almost entirely prosaic and unambiguous in nature, a lot of eastern philosophers felt as though philosophy was best expressed not through prose but through poetry and storytelling. To us this is bizarre, so it can take some adapting to. To understand what's being said, you must respect the fact that a lot of eastern philosophy (Indian particularly) is done by analogy, otherwise you're likely to believe that those philosophers were the reductionists we are and that they believed in superstitious/irrational creatures and events. Joseph Campbell, the mythologist, made a very clear point regarding this, which is that in order to understand myth and religion, you have to read the connotations and not the denotations.

Another point I'd make is that since eastern philosophy can be so radically difficult to what we're used to, you have to be very vigilant about admitting when your resistance to an idea is ideological in nature. Some ideas expressed in eastern philosophy can seem clearly patently incorrect, and it's only with introspection and examination that you realise that sometimes (not necessarily always) eastern ideas might only seem false when compared with ideas we've been brought up with and never had to question. For example, Hindu cosmology treats the self as very much central to the universe, sort of taking relativism to its logical extreme. It can be very jarring to read about a view of the universe which treats the self as so meaningful and central, but a large part of this resistance comes simply from the stock which us westerners place in individualism and ego. There are certain eastern ideas which seem genuinely taboo or distasteful to us westerners, and that, in my opinion, is a sign of ideological resistance and not rational thought. You may find that you have to "suspend your disbelief" somewhat in order to digest some of the ideas completely.

tl;dr I would recommend reading about eastern philosophy first, and then, if you wish, examining quantum physics with some o those ideas in mind. The book I mentioned is a great place to start, and it's a very enjoyable and gratifying read. I'm sure anybody who reads that book will at least get something out of it, even if it doesn't spark a wider interest in eastern philosophy. I think that getting into eastern philosophy is very valuable because it's the Side B of the tape of human thought, and so really shouldn't be neglected.

That's exactly perfect! I like to take the "3P Approach" to solving problems:

1. Premise
   
2. Parts
   
3. Procedures
   
   What typically happens is that we feel some anxiety & get motivated to change & then jump directly into the weeds (the step-by-step checklist procedures required for implementing change in our lives) & it's a big mess. This approach is better because you identify the problem, convert it from a big, monolithic issue into a bunch of smaller component parts, and then address each one as a project that you can work on bit by bit, which is a far easier approach for dealing with large, complicated things like overhauling your entire life!
   
   So your premise is that you're ready for a change in your life, you're ready for some improvements, you're ready for better, you're ready for more. The first-pass list of "parts" are:
   
   
4. Develop bulletproof self-esteem
   
5. Find a fulfilling career
   
6. Have great relationships
   
7. Improve your financial situation
   
8. Adopt better habits
   
   Yeah, so with the cookie-cutter analogy, you now have 5 shapes to work with - they're all different, but they're all going to lead to the outcomes you desire because you're controlling the shape of each one. So now that you've got a few separate, individual items to work on, you can start working on them. It's been said that there are only 2 problems in the world:
   
   
9. You don't know what you want
   
10. You don't know how to get what you want
    
    So now that we have that first-pass laundry list of things we want, we've solved the first problem, and can now work on addressing the second problem, which is figuring out how to implement real change to get better results than we're getting now. And the way we do that is by reading books, researching online, talking to people, thinking about stuff, walking through some checklists to define what we want & make decisions about the targets we want to hit, etc. Here are some starting points, just based on my experience: (based on your first 5 identified issues to work on, as listed above)
    
    Self-esteem:
    
    

• Book: (or audiobook) "Attitude is Everything" by Jeff Keller. For me, this really put into perspective two things: One, that my attitude determined the majority of my experience in any given situation, and two, that I had full control & ownership over my attitude. This book is an easy read.
  
• Book: (or audiobook) "Mindset" by Carol Dweck. This introduces the concept that there are 2 mindsets in any given situation: fixed ("this is why I can't") & growth ("how can I?"). This was a critical clarifying concept because it gave me an approach for whatever situation I found myself in: am I having a fixed (victim) or growth (victor) mindset about this situation? This book is a bit of a heavier read.
  
• CBT: (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) This is the basic idea that you can change your life by changing how you think. To quote Wayne Gretzky, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take". The way you think determines what actions you will take, so learning what kind of traps are out there (called "distortions") can help you overcome mental obstacles. One of my personal biggest ones was "all or nothing" thinking, basically fake perfectionism...I had to go big or go home, do it perfect according to my mental picture of success, or it wasn't worth doing, etc. This is a great starter article: https://positivepsychology.com/cognitive-distortions/
  
• Book: (or audiobook) "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brené Brown, This book is a bit more of a grazing approach to illustrate some common traps we fall into with self-esteem issues
  
• These are all just starting points...imo, the ultimate goal of self-esteem is to give you a rock-solid foundation on which you can rely on yourself instead of requiring the validation of others. We all have a certain amount of anxiety & a need for validation, which is totally fine, but it shouldn't dictate our lives or drive our actions to the point where we're not doing, living, and feeling the way we want to.
  
  Career:
  
  
• We'll cover the money question in the financial section below, but "how much do you want to make?" is the first question I always ask. Not because it's a shallow thing, but because your entire lifestyle will be limited by your financial picture - how much free time you have, how much stress you carry, if you can afford to live in a nice neighborhood or take time off or drive a reliable car, etc.
  
• Businesses will pay you what they think you're worth. You have to define how much you want to make & then get trained so that you're a valuable asset to your company. A lot of people are unhappy with their jobs & their pay scales, but are also unwilling to get further education or change jobs, and you can't have it both ways, because jobs will pay you what they think you are worth, that's the bottom line! You can game the system by doing research, making decisions, and getting training on your own time, in order to achieve your goals, which means that you need to know how much money you want to make, what you want to do, and what job opportunities you should pursue, which gives you a nice checklist to follow to create a path to go down, rather than just feeling stuck & unhappy & not knowing where to go!
  
• The point of college & other training systems is to get you a job. You get educated to learn how to work at something specific. A lot of people go into systems like say college with no clue what they want to do with their lives & then just kind of drift into a job & stay there. Statistics say that 84% of people are unhappy in their jobs (hate their jobs, even), which says that that approach blows chunks & that being proactive about what you want in your professional life is a waaaaay better option to go with, haha!
  
• There are 14,000 job types & 7 million job openings, right now, today. There is no shortage of opportunity. What we lack is clear direction - a specific goal coupled with a realistic plan to move forward on it, supported by a personal work ethic to do what it takes to get what you want, no matter how many roadblocks, setbacks, and barriers you run into. One of my favorite TED Talks is on "Grit" by Angela Duckworth, which talks about how success is primarily a factor of being persistent & simply not giving up until you get what you want, which is pretty obvious when written out, but is far from obvious in practice!
  
• Another question to ask yourself is whether or not you want to find fulfillment at work, or outside of work, or perhaps both. Some people simply don't care what they do & are happier finding fulfillment outside of work. For me, I go a little nuts when I have a crappy job or a bad boss, so I need a really good working environment, or else I tend to get a little stressed out, haha! But everyone is different, so you have to figure out what works for you & what your personal parameters are & then do some research to match up jobs vs. payscale vs. personal fulfillment requirements. I have lots of resources on this topic when you're ready!
  
  part 1/2

How do you measure the success ? Wealth ? Fame ? Both are not worth pursuing and you already know that, since they don't bring happiness to life. Two things come to my mind:

1. Instead of comparing yourself to your "more successful" peers, try to compare yourself to those "less successful". Practice negative thinking, image how would your life be without the things you have, the things you take for granted. Take this even further and sometimes practice living without those things (practice minimalism), if possible. This way, you will start to value more and want things you already have, instead of things you could have. This is what I try often and what works for me. I've got this from my favorite Stoic book: A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy . Read the corresponding chapter to understand more :) the author is so good at explaining these ideas. I definitely recommend to read it whole, it is an amazing book.
   
2. Practice more compassion and empathy. Approach any human interaction with compassion in mind. Try to understand and listen to others, what makes them happy, what are their worries. No matter in what position the others are, try to connect with them on a very deep level. You will soon realize, we are all the same and we face the same problems in life. No matter what our wealth or fame is. Those two things do not relate to happiness at all. I believe that as a byproduct of this empathy practice you will naturally stop comparing. When it comes to compassion, I recommend: The Art of Happiness, 10th Anniversary Edition: A Handbook for Living . I have only started reading the book, but I like it very much so far ! It focuses more on importance of compassion and understanding others (instead of focusing on yourself as in Stoicism). I feel that I started being more compassionate and empathetic naturally with age, but I definitely agree, that it makes me incredibly happy. And not only during the communication, but overall in life ! However, before, I had no idea what empathy means, or better said - I had completely wrong idea. This book helped me to understand what exactly it is, and how it is done correctly: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life . Basically it means just to listen and from time to time to ask about feelings. Not giving advice, or making things sound easier, or giving your similar experience. We do this so often, it sounds like empathy, but instead it disconnects us from others. Very much recommended read !
   
   Hope this helps man, good luck ! You are already doing a massive good job by being super honest with yourself and sharing this problem and all its details. This is not an easy thing to do and requires a lot of ego-gymnastics.

So glad you found this helpful. I would say that the book mentioned above is better suited for very advanced meditators. I found it very interesting but am not yet in the position to take advantage of the maps it provides, although it explains the difference between concentration and insight very well. It has maps of each path and how they interplay.

There are a few books that I have found quite helpful. I tend to divide them into 2 categories, motivation and instruction.

I read the motivation books first. These books, along with my LSD experiences, really helped motivate me to establish a daily meditation practice. I read quite a few but these are my top 2 by a good margin.

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle : This was the first book I read and really set me off on this path. It is somewhat surface level but to a former athiest it was enough to make me realize that there is something real there. It is explained in a way that anyone can appreciate and won't scare anyone off.

Be Here Now by Ram Dass : This completely blew me away. If I had read this first without any psychedelic experience, I might have dismissed it as the ravings of a mad man. This really opened me up to possibilities that I never would have considered as a life long atheist. After I read this, I had to let go of my atheism.

You may have had enough experiences that you don't need any more motivation (I would still read Be Here Now for fun because it is a trip in and of itself). As far as instruction, the best book hands down that I have found is "The Mind Illuminated: A Complete Meditation Guide Integrating Buddhist Wisdom and Brain Science" by Culadasa. It takes you through the process step by step, shows you the theory behind what you are doing and what you need to work on at each stage. It is a balanced approach between concentration and insight. I believe this is the best approach for most people. Straight insight as advocated by the noting method in "Mastering the Core Teachings" seems to be the fastest path to enlightenment but one is more likely to get stuck in a long "dark night of the soul" period without sufficient concentration power.


Some other very good books:

Tao Te Ching

The Science of Enlightenment by Shinzen Young

The Way of Zen by Alan Watts

The Perennial Philosophy by Aldous Huxley


> Lastly, on a side note, I had always thought that the final attachment is to ourselves, and that is what keeps us alive. In a rudimentary way, keeping us from killing ourselves, or letting ourselves die passively from lack of taking care of ourselves. Maybe perception is the second attachment? Just a thought and wondering if anyone else had ever considered this.

As you progress along this path, you begin to understand that the "self" is not a "thing". It is an "activity" that we do, and you can learn to stop doing it. A common misperception is that we would want to kill ourselves without this. The reason for this misperception is that people equate "attachment" with care or love. One of the results of the process is that you realize that you can be unattached to something but still care for it. So we may become unattached to the idea of the self as a separate thing, but that doesn't mean that we wouldn't care for ourselves.

During the "dark night period" people often get this feeling that nothing has meaning, because they have picked everything apart with insight until they are left with nothing. Every sensation has been stripped of its conceptual meaning until it is just a blur of moments of perception. But beyond this feeling of "nothing has meaning", one gets to the point where they realize that "everything has meaning" and this shift in perception marks the exit of the dark night. I believe that the ultimate paradox that you can understand once you are enlightened is that determinism and free will are both true and are not mutually exclusive. That is just my own personal theory but my intuition is that this is the crux of it.

I know I am not explaining this well, it's very difficult to explain in objective logic. You can probably get a better idea by reading "The Way of Zen". There are a lot of paradoxes involved that can only be truly understood from an enlightened viewpoint but the way he explains it you can kind of see what they are talking about. Because certain truths cannot be explained in objective logic, they sort of "point a finger at it" but the student has to look at where they are pointing instead of at the finger itself. In the end one has to let go of trying to understand it with the thinking mind and just practice.

Thanks, it really made my day, knowing that you got some value out of my comment :-)

I think that mindfulness meditation, first and foremost, is what will bring you the most peace. Mindfulness meditation gives you several major superpowers that you can use anytime. Their value cannot be overstated:

• The ability to be an "impartial observer" to your own mind, at all times. One of the big problems with the "loops" I described in my post above is that most people don't realize it's happening. They focus on the experience and the panic and trying to escape, but they don't see how. Mindfulness teaches you to see what's going on "under the hood". (This "mindful attitude" generally leaks into other areas of your life as well. You gain superpowers of observation.)
  
• The ability to terminate thoughts at will. For a skilled meditator, the answer to "I don't want to feel this way" is simply to stop. You gain control over which thoughts are allowed to run. You also learn to simply blank your mind completely. At first, a person can only do this for 30 seconds at a time or so. Over time, they can learn to do it indefinitely -- and just sink into the beauty of "now".
  
• The ability to concentrate fully on one specific thing. Hyper-focus. Since you can control which thoughts enter and exist in your mind, you will be able to accomplish more tasks with less stress.
  
  Over time these abilities shape you into a peaceful, calm, intelligent, compassionate, and successful person.
  
  My favourite book on meditation is Mindfulness in Plain English. I think this book is very good because it explains meditation + mindfulness + concentration + the relationship with Buddhism in a clear and non-religious way. Really lays it down logically why it's worth doing and why it works.
  
  https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-English-Bhante-Henepola-Gunaratana/dp/0861719069/ref=sr_1_1/157-6380024-4325012
  
  P.S. with regards to trying some low doses -- I understand there are also "guided audio wellness meditations" aimed specifically for trips. This isn't really the same sort of thing as the mindfulness meditation that I advocated for above, but guided meditations are pretty enjoyable and useful. Anyway, I haven't tried 'em, but some friends report great results. I think that it might be nice, since the audio helps keep your trip "on the rails".

Bear with me on this, but I think this article may benefit you. The focus is on how we can be manipulated through habit, but I've never seen this information on habit formation anywhere else. The author of the article has written a book and now that you mention it, I could stand to learn more about habit myself, so I just bought it on Kindle and I'll let you know what I think of it.

In short and according to the article:
Human behavior is often governed by sets of habits that are stacked together to create habit chunks.
>the brain converts a sequence of actions into an automatic routine, is called “chunking.” There are dozens, if not hundreds, of behavioral chunks we rely on every day. Some are simple: you automatically put toothpaste on your toothbrush before sticking it in your mouth. Some, like making the kids’ lunch, are a little more complex. Still others are so complicated that it’s remarkable to realize that a habit could have emerged at all.

So these chunks are awesome because they let us save energy and be more efficient, and they suck because when things are different from our expectations (we've been fooled) or don't go as planned (as we've rehearsed them so many times before) then we get into trouble.
>we’ve devised a clever system to determine when to let a habit take over. It’s something that happens whenever a chunk of behavior starts or ends — and it helps to explain why habits are so difficult to change once they’re formed, despite our best intentions

>the process within our brains that creates habits is a three-step loop. First, there is a cue, a trigger that tells your brain to go into automatic mode and which habit to use. Then there is the routine, which can be physical or mental or emotional. Finally, there is a reward, which helps your brain figure out if this particular loop is worth remembering for the future. Over time, this loop — cue, routine, reward; cue, routine, reward — becomes more and more automatic. The cue and reward become neurologically intertwined until a sense of craving emerges. What’s unique about cues and rewards, however, is how subtle they can be. Neurological studies like the ones in Graybiel’s lab have revealed that some cues span just milliseconds. And rewards can range from the obvious (like the sugar rush that a morning doughnut habit provides) to the infinitesimal (like the barely noticeable — but measurable — sense of relief the brain experiences after successfully navigating the driveway). Most cues and rewards, in fact, happen so quickly and are so slight that we are hardly aware of them at all. But our neural systems notice and use them to build automatic behaviors.

>Habits aren’t destiny — they can be ignored, changed or replaced. But it’s also true that once the loop is established and a habit emerges, your brain stops fully participating in decision-making. So unless you deliberately fight a habit — unless you find new cues and rewards — the old pattern will unfold automatically


After reading Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, I wonder if what we call our intuition might even be these chunked behaviors in effect.

The whole article is definitely worth a read.

"Just stop giving a fuck" is something that gets parroted around here quite a bit. It's not bad advice, but it's a bit like telling someone who aspires to be a guitarist to just start learning guitar. It's not wrong, but it's not very useful advice on it's own.

In the context of seduction, not giving a fuck really boils down to not caring about the outcome of a given interaction, or overcoming the fear of rejection. If you think about it, if you didn't fear rejection, picking up women would be a walk in the park.

So yeah, it sounds great, but it's not something you can just decide to start doing on a whim. The fear of rejection is pretty deeply rooted in a lot of guy's minds, and the usual way to get over it is by doing. Going out there, hitting on women, getting rejected, and going through a lot of pain and discomfort.

Another option is to adopt a philosophy at a core level. That is, adopting the core belief that shit like picking up women is insignificant compared to some other big belief you have, be it spiritual or otherwise. For example, believing that your existence is a result of endless random things going perfectly right, and the very fact that you're alive is a god damn fucking miracle. You live your life in fucking AWE, thankful for every moment that you're able to breathe air and live a life. If you adopt this at a core, fundamental level in your mind, you open yourself up to endless joy, bliss, happiness, and you better believe that being rejected by a woman won't faze you in the slightest.

Obviously it takes time to get to that point, but that's essentially the philosophy of Stoicism for you. There are exercises (much like meditation, which in it's own right is extremely useful for not giving a fuck) that will help bring you to that point. If you're interested in the stoic philosophy, I would be happy to recommend some great books. This is seriously life-changing stuff, but it's not something that happens overnight.

Edit: Here are a couple great books to get started with:

• Stoicism And The Art of Happiness
  
  
• A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy
  
  I recommend reading those in order (Art of happiness first). It is a fantastic introduction and high-level overview of stoicism and introduces you to some exercises to start adopting the philosophy. A guide to the good life is also a beautiful book, but gives you a lot more history on stoicism, which isn't necessarily required, but it's extremely interesting and gives you a lot more context to the subject material.

Most, not all, of these other responses are more in line with "why" quit gaming or how to balance it, but your question is HOW did I quit.

So here's the framework, then following that are my personal steps.

Framework 1: If you remove 5 hours of gaming, you don't have to replace it with 5 hours of super productive life habits. I removed 5-6 hours of gaming a day but it enabled me to add 1-2 hours of health/fitness, and some time to eat better, then I slept an hour earlier, etc., but I still dicked around and did useless shit for 2-3 hours of that 5 hours of previous gaming time. It doesn't have to be 1:1 bad habit removal to amazing habit add in. I still sit on Twitch and zone out for an hour or two here and there while I browse the internet, but it's easy to put it down and go to the gym or not wait until I'm starving to eat, which makes it easier to eat better.

Framework 2: Identify your level of addiction. Mine is a proper addiction. I think I can reinstall and play within reason today...for a week...a month...6 months...but at SOME point I fall off the wagon and to the bottom of the well. So I have to legit just straight up accept that I don't have the discipline to play in moderation like other people.

Framework 3: With any habit you have to analyze what it is rooted in. In my gaming habit it was a few things:

1. Anxiety/stress coping. If I go nuts on a 5 hour Path of Exile binge, my brain literally can't process the work worries I have, worrying about the girl I'm dating and the details of that, planning my financials and freaking out about student loans, etc. You get the point. It literally overloaded my mind so that I couldn't relate to anything and then I'd play til exhaustion and pass out. Rinse repeat. Obviously bad sleep. Bad sleep means bad performance at work. Obviously a lack of self-respect because I wasn't in control of my life and was behaving with such avoidance behavior that I was under an avalanche of life.
   
   
2. Social community. This one isn't inherently bad but gaming was a way for me to hang and shoot the shit with friends in discord while we played games. Not all the roots of a habit are/have to be bad, BUT in order to replace the habit you have to replace the roots.
   
   
3. Quantifiable progress. Leveling up, gearing up, ranking up, all rewarded my left brain tendencies for progress and order.
   
   
4. Just fun. Straight up.
   
   So here's what I did...
   
   
5. I identified the games that I was most likely to binge. MMOs, endless dungeon crawlers, competitive games. One by one I deleted my accounts and uninstalled. I only was left with games that I could play in bursts for 30-45-60-90 mins at a time (vs. like 4-5-6 hour binges). I would pop on, play a bit, get bored and close them. Or single player games with finite playability I would beat and stop installing new ones. Eventually uninstalled Stream and the like (I'm a PC gamer, the equivalent would be selling your console).
   
   
6. I had to make it a point to socialize with friends more, even just a beer after work or something to replace #2 above. And still talk to those gaming friends but only as long as they respected my desire to stop gaming soon.
   
   
7. Start going to the gym to address #1 from the framework section above. It really does help with anxiety and stress. It's two steps forward and one back though - you feel great and mentally healthy, then you HAVE to address the shit that was causing you to dive into unhealthy gaming habits to start with..."oh shit my girl sucks and I need to address that"...."oh shit, let me look my student loans in the eyes and address that"....etc. But it's progress and only gets easier.
   
   
8. I made a ridiculous Excel spreadsheet for framework #3 above. Weight, rolling 7 day average, mood, sleep tracker, resting heart rate, reading, gaming, even porn, drinking, anything I wanted to be more aware of. In tracking those things I could start managing them and in managing them I got the dopamine reward of leveling up, kill streaks, ranking up, etc.
   
   
9. Naturally you will be more confident as you do this - naturally you will seek fun, you will be more comfortable to find other sources of fun. I had wanted to go rock climbing for YEARS. I did it for the first time two weeks ago. It was the most fun I've had in ages.
   
   On my spreadsheet I have had days where I ate like shit or drank or missed days in a row of the gym. Far from perfect. My reading habit hasn't taken hold like I wanted it to. But I'm fucking HAPPIER. And you know what column is PERFECT in my spreadsheet? The gaming one. That's my keystone habit. That's my FIRST domino. Find yours and make incremental, deliberate changes.
   
   Message me if you wanna chat, I got your back.
   
   PS: Read this: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Habit-What-Life-Business/dp/081298160X

I had kind of a hard time thinking about a response I felt good about. Below are resources roughly sequenced as "stages". All the resources are within or related to the Theravada tradition. I tried to keep everything free. When a preferred resource is not free, I include a free alternative. Buddhism is very much a practice, so when instructions are given put them into practice the best you can. There is also a need to understand why you are practicing, so there is a need to understand Buddhist theory. Some of these resources might not be seem immediately applicable to you, which is fine, just think of it as being similar to reviewing a map before going on the hike. This small collection of selected resources may seem overwhelming, but learning the dhamma is a long process, so there is no hurry to read or listen to everything. It is like walking through mist, you don't necessarily notice getting wet. I just want to reiterate that practicing is very important. Buddhism is about doing, and to lesser degree about acquiring book knowledge. One caution, I put several different meditation styles below; go a head and experiment with them, but figure out which one fits you best and stick with it for a while. If you have any questions, I will do my best to answer skillfully. Remember that persistence will bring rewards. Good luck.

Books:

"Stage 1"

With Each & Every Breath: A Guide to Meditation by Thanissaro Bhikkhu

Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Henepola Gunaratana [not free] (Free older version)

Noble Strategy by Thanissaro Bhikkhu

The Buddha’s Teachings: An Introduction by Thanissaro Bhikkhu

"Stage 2"

In the Buddha's Words: An Anthology of Discourses from the Pali Canon edited by Bhikkhu Bodhi [not free] (A free "clone" can be found at www.suttacentral.net. It has all of the introductions Bhikkhu Bodhi wrote, but uses free translations of the suttas)

The Dhammapada: A New Translation of the Buddhist Classic with Annotations translated by Gil Fronsdal [not free] (A free and reliable translation of the Dhammapada by Anandajoti Bhikkhu)

"Stage 3"

The Middle Length Discourses of the Buddha: A Translation of the Majjhima Nikaya translated by Bhikkhu Nanamoli & Bhikkhu Bodhi [not free] (Free translations of all of the Majjhima Nikaya suttas can be found at www.suttacentral.net. Thanissaro Bhikkhu has translated a free anthology of the Majjhima Nikaya called Handful of Leaves, Volume II: an Anthology from the Majjhima Nikaya)

The Wings to Awakening: An Anthology from the Pali Canon by Thanissaro Bhikkhu

Talks:

"Stage 1"

Introduction to Meditation is an audio course by Gil Fronsdal.

Basics is collection of talks by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.

The Buddha's Teaching As It Is: An Introductory Course is a series of talks by Bhikkhu Bodhi

Eightfold Path Program is a series of talks by Gil Fronsdal.

Four Noble Truths is a series by Gil Fronsdal and Andrea Fella.

"Stage 2"

Don't eat your fingers. Seriously though, just listen to talks and get a better feel for the dharma.

"Stage 3"

Seven Factors of Awakening is a series of talks by Gil Fronsdal.

A Systematic Study of the Majjhima Nikaya by Bhikkhu Bodhi

Resources:(There are a huge number of great resource. Below are the ones I frequent or have frequented)

Texts: www.suttacentral.net, www.accesstoinsight.org, www.buddhanet.net, www.dhammatalks.org, www.ancient-buddhist-texts.net

Talks: www.dharmaseed.org (huge variety of teachers have talks here), www.dhammatalks.org (Thanissaro Bhikkhu has a huge catalog of talks. He has a straight forward style.), www.audiodharma.org (Gil Fronsdal has very accessible teaching style. He presents the dharma in an almost secular way, but doesn't doesn't diminish it in the process.)

Video: Buddhist Society of Western Australia (Ajahn Brahm is a much loved and accessible teacher), Yuttadhammo Bhikkhu (Yuttadhammo Bhikkhu has a very calm demeanor, and does live Q&A regularly, StudentofthePath (Bhikkhu Jayasara is a recently ordained monk and is an active redditor, u/Bhikkhu_Jayasara), Dhammanet (Bhikkhu Sujato has "loose" and friendly teaching style, but is a serious scholar.)

Don't worry I got a million answers.

First 3 months were spent with frustration for lack of results, and not doing it properly. The following 3 months were spent finding my groove, staying consistent, and staying consistent. I'm quoting myself from /r/ADHD months back, at the challenges I faced during my learning process but here is what I said basically:

Have you ever heard of Om Mani Padme Hum?

It can't be translated into a simple phrase or sentence because it varies in English. But the general phrase is:

>"Behold! The jewel in the lotus!"

When meditating, I repeat this mantra over and over again, but overtime I progressively slow down between each word till my brain completely goes quiet. It's a great technique to use if you have a lot of racing thoughts, distractions, especially in your case the eye movement. I'm just fascinated with the entire history of meditation and its origins which has led me to understanding and appreciating this mantra. I know it sounds like hippy bullshit and even I was skeptical of course, but you don't have to believe in the Buddhist philosophy behind the mantra to gain its benefits. In fact, it doesn't matter what the words in the mantra even are. You can recite the recipe for sushi if you want. It's the repetition:

rice fish wasabi rice fish wasabi.

All you're doing is repeating the same tone repeatedly and over time your brain gets tired to the point where you notice your thoughts begin to slow down. You follow up with this by pausing momentarily between the words, a few seconds and maybe up to a minute between the words. The ultimate goal of course is utter and complete silence in your brain, which may take years to accomplish And yes, this process is slow. I've been meditating for a little over a year and it's been a long and arduous process because naturally I'm not consistent with meditation and sticking with it, but I have definitely noticed insight and introspection within myself. I notice I'm patient with individuals and I'm significantly calmer. And dare I say, I'm even happy sometimes. All I'm doing is literally sitting fucking still for 10 minutes a day thinking about jack shit.

I can only speak from my experience, so take this anecdotally. But meditation is perhaps the best thing for my adhd brain. It calms my thoughts, gives me clarity, and most importantly it tackles of the other co-morbid issues that plague my life. But you have to remember, your brain is just like any other muscle, you don't go to the gym one week and expect to get muscular; it takes discipline, consistency, and time to accomplish. But don't take my word for it, studies are already showing how meditation:

• increases brain matter,
  
  
• treats anxiety and depression,
  
  
• And because I love creativity there's a great TED talk discussing how meditating actually improves that as well.
  
  
• Look up Eckhart Tolle - The Power of Now. It's even on audio book whch is what I used, and trust me the audio version is way better for ADHD'ers who hate reading. I might have to listen up on it again to refresh my memory, but I highly recommend that if you want to truly learn more.
  
  I highly encourage for you to learn as much as you can before you get started. I was extremely dismissive and cynical at meditation in the beginning, but it wasn't until after I exhausted every option I had left from therapy and medication, before I decided that I'd give it a shot. Cuz hey, what else did I have to lose.
  
  
  

Tldr: stop comparing, create your own path and be your actualized self.

you need stop comparing. True humanity is being humane. Nothing more. All those things you just listed are things people do to get some satisfaction and in the process we have made them ideals and therefore unreachable standards. Just think about how much ads we see a day, how we are trying to impress the others to look above average. The classical ideals of fame and fortune are utopian.

The thing to realize is that 90% of all humans are average in every aspect, 5 % exceeds expectations and meets the actual standards, the other 5 % is below average and don't have that great odds to get a more humane live. I am talking about genetics here, not about external factors like culture and location. This is evolution.

Where others don't have adhd, the chances are pretty high that they lack in other areas, think handicaps or other health issues or anything that one can hinder in being his true self.

I believe we need be proud to be average this makes us humble and thankfull for that wich we do have. Even the smallest things like seeing or thinking.
It can be hard to strive to those standards we are always trying to reach, for if not those ideals what else has meaning in life?

A tree. A tree is a tree, and nothing more. A bird is a bird nothing more. A amoeba is a amoeba. That's how nature works. Humankind is the only species among with a few other primates that strives to change its self into something else, something more. Why? Why should we do that? No one ever got happy from it and only suffered and made others suffer. That's what's most sports and war is all about.

So I say let us practice the 'modern' stoic way. Don't say I am in it to win it. But internalize your goals. Make it. I am Going to try to do my best. And what is your best? That's being the truest form of your self. See the difference? When you are in it to win it your serenity depends on something you don't control. It's better to put it somewhere you do have control over, like your expectations. Your own personal standards.

Humanity is being human. And you are you. So stand in it. Practice your actual self. With your abilities and disabilities. As is. Accept that. Do not compare it against society. Think of it like you are the only one on earth. How would you feel about your actual self if this was the case?

This is not something I figured out my self but the ancient Greeks and Roman's already lived this way thousands of years under the movement of stoicism.

I mainly got these techniques and thoughts out of this book wich I really recommend, it's a bit though but if are interested in the history is a good read else you can skip to part 2 or 3 of the book the guide to the good life - the ancient art of stoic joy by William Irvine

An other more modern take on certain aspects of stoicism is the subtle art of not Giving a fuck - an counterintuitive approach of living a good life

Note: self help books only help if you are open to them and want to read them, not if you are urged by an external peer to read them

especially for people with adhd these really help and give some solid techniques on how to handle life. It made me so much more confident in my self. From being a shy r/niceguys pushover to an independent man who knows how to love himself and not get upset by daily life. All the while being actually happy, content and innerly calm and serene.

The existentialism is real in the wake of losing your worldview. All the pep-talks in the world about "go live your life, the world is amazing!" meant nothing to me. I didn't know how to move forward. For some of us, the loss is huge and the existential dread (with its accompanying anxiety and depression) is absolutely consuming.

Ultimately, the study of philosophy and the nature of existence was the way out and the door to a meaningful post-Mormon life for me. I read and studied a bunch of stuff, but the below list was some of the most helpful. I ultimately chose to go with a personalized form of stoicism to fill the void left by Mormonism. Others prefer secular Buddhism, etc. If you still like Jesus as a moral guide (like I do in a lot of ways), this is a great short podcast about Jesus as a moral philosopher.

Anyway, I found the below very helpful in my transition:

• Philosphize This! podcast. Start with episode 1 and just listen all the way through. It's great and he even mentions Mormonism a few times.
  
  
• The Power of Now by Tolle.
  
  
• The Happiness Trap by Harris.
  
  
• Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl.
  
  
• Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning (A follow-on of above--focus on the later chapters in this book.)
  
  
• The Alchemist by Coelho.
  
  
• A New Earth by Tolle.
  
  
• A Confession by Tolstoy. Free download.
  
  
• What I Believe, also by Tolstoy and a follow-on to the above Tolstoy book. Free download at link if you look for it. Auido book here.
  
  If you're interested in stoic philosophy as a replacement for Mormonism:
  
  
• Start with this easy article for a nice overview. The rest of this blog can be helpful, too. For example, here's a great recent article.
  
  
• This book. It can be a bit long in places, but it's an easy read and gives an awesome overview.
  
  
• Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. The Audible version of this is really good, too, if you have a daily commute, etc.
  
   
  
  Finally, it gets better! Take it a day (or a month) at a time and keep searching and you'll eventually land in a good spot! Good luck, and stick with it!

Over the past several years I've personally gravitated toward a blend of stoicism and "secular Christianity." I know many others go the route of secular Buddhism (Noah Rasheta, who is also an exMo runs secularbuddhism.com which you might want to check out) and others (most?) simply go the route of ethical hedonism.

I personally gravitated toward stoicism because it isn't a religion and has no real religious underpinning. Instead, it's normally referred to as just a "philosophy of life." It has worked well for me as a backfill to religion. You'll also find that different people have different views of what it means to "practice" stoicism, so it's nice in that you can kind of adapt it to fit your personal preferences.

Here are some recommendations if you want to look into it:

• Start with this easy article for a nice overview. Then continue to read other articles on the How to be a Stoic blog. It's a great resource.
  
  
• I'd recommend this book as well. It can be a bit long in places, but it's an easy read and gives an awesome overview.
  
  
• Finally, you should also read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. I have an audio version from Audible that's excellent and I enjoyed listening to it much more than reading it, but there are free copies all over the place to download and read in Kindle if you just Google it.
  
  Aside from stoicism, studying and learning about philosophy in general has been a huge cushion for me in dealing with the existential crisis that often follows losing belief in Mormonism. Google the Philosophize This! podcast and start at episode 1 if you're interested. It's great. I also really enjoy the Philosophy Bites podcast. Other than the above, the following were also very helpful to me in finding a approach to life without "God" and without religion:
  
  
• The Power of Now by Tolle.
  
  
• The Happiness Trap by Harris.
  
  
• Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl.
  
  
• Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning (A follow-on of above--focus on the later chapters in this book.)
  
  
• The Alchemist by Coelho.
  
  
• A New Earth by Tolle.
  
  
• A Confession by Tolstoy. Free download.
  
  
• What I Believe, also by Tolstoy and a follow-on to the above Tolstoy book. Free download at link if you look for it. Auido book here.
  
  All of the above combined with a few long years of figuring things out got me to a good place. But everyone's journey is different, so do what you think will work best for you...and good luck!
  
  
  

Brett,

Congrats. You've made an amazing first step in the right direction. Change is a road, and the only thing that matters is that you keep making progress toward your goal destination, no matter how small.

People in this thread have given you great advice on what changes to make, and I'm sure this has gotten you thinking about the idea of making choices. All of this will be helpful as you start identifying the ways you want to improve your lifestyle.

I'm a behavior designer: I design programs and services that help people change behavior, and what I'd like to offer is something slightly different. I think one of your biggest priorities should be how you think about change. Or rather, if choices and changes are the "what", what I want to talk to you about is the "how". Change is hard, and you're going to need an army of "how" on your side.

Willpower (aka, the ability to choose the "what" in the moment) is a fickle thing, it tends to dwindle as we move through our day, making it extremely easy to fall back into old habits. The good news is that there are ways we hack our tendency to self-sabotage. Here are some things you can do to tackle the "how", to make sure the changes you're trying to make ultimately stick and succeed.

1. SMALL > BIG : As you start to make changes to your lifestyle, you should be looking for things that are small enough that you can do them consistently. They should find a place in your daily routine where they can thrive. Unfortunately, our natural tendency as humans is to take on changes that are big and ultimately unsustainable. Let's use exercise as an example. When we're trying to change, we have a tendency to create an aggressive exercise program that matches our motivation at the moment (like trying to do a 2 hour gym routine). But we burn out: a two hour gym routine isn't sustainable when we're sick, tired, or just not feeling it. Truthfully, the changes that make the greatest impact are the small ones that happen consistently over time. The changes we can sustain, even on or worst days. Keeping with the exercise example, my recommendation is to do something simple, like going for a 30 minute walk, every day before breakfast. Designing and playing the long game is true discipline. Your daily behaviors are the glacier that create the grand canyon of your life! Take them seriously!
   
   
2. HOW > WHAT: After you identify changes you want to make, the next question you should ask yourself is "how am I going to make that happen". You want to drink less soda? Make a plan. Stock the shelves with tea and sparking water, carry a water bottle with you to resist temptation, etc... Plans help us by using foresight to make our goals EASIER to pursue in future situations.
   
   
3. REDESIGN YOUR HABITAT to REDESIGN YOUR LIFE: The things we have around us serve as visual triggers for certain behaviors. Having our work out on our desk reminds us we need to get it done, having our running shoes by the door reminds us to go for a walk, having a bowl of candy out triggers a sugar craving, etc... Think about adding more positive triggers and eliminating negative ones. One of your goals should be to have an environment that illustrates your best self, and helps you accomplish your goals.
   
   
4. SUCCESS REQUIRES SUPPORT: Weight watchers built a company around this idea. While you don't need to pay your way through a group weight loss program, you should be thinking about friends and family who can help you accomplish your goals. There are two parts to this: one is having someone who can keep you accountable, like doing a weekly weigh-in with a family member. This helps you stay committed on days when you're not feeling like doing the work. Second is having someone who shares a goal with you. If you can find a friend who's also interested in getting active and making healthier choices, it can be a powerful way to stay motivated and on track. No one should have to go it alone, and most people have health-goals they don't readily talk about. Keep your eyes peeled for people around you who can fill a "coach" and "teammate" role in your journey to change.
   
   
5. LEARN FROM YOUR BAD DAYS: Let's get real for a moment. You're going to have bad days. You may even have bad weeks. I bet you'll have a bad month. I sure have. The biggest gift we can offer ourselves is to learn from these mistakes, because they will happen. Spent a weekend in the basement playing video games eating junk food? Take it apart. How were you feeling? Were you tired? Depressed? Frustrated? Ask yourself hat triggered that behavior. Would there have been a more productive way to self-soothe as a response? Was there a point where someone or something could've intervened? Was there a less damaging version of that event that could've taken place (say eating healthy snacks but still being a basement vampire)? The best thing we can do when this happens is to forgive ourselves, and pay it forward: developing a plan to make our future selves more successful when that situation presents itself again.
   
   If you get into this idea, there's a ton of great resources out there to help you learn more about the "how. Try BJ Fogg's Tiny Habits, read "Willpower" and "The Power of Habit". Take a look at The Gospel of /u/Ryans01 - a reddit post on change that's better than what I read from most behavioral scientists out there.
   
   Finally, remember to stay positive, and know there's an army out here who's proud of you and ready to help in whatever way we can!

The aspects of Buddhism that worked the most for me were about mindfulness and meditation. I am not a Buddhist, but do enjoy the philosophical aspects.

Mindfulness is simply about living in the moment and appreciating every moment. Do not worry or think too much on the past or the future. For example, if you're eating an apple. Concentrate on the apple. Its taste, texture, the crunch. Do not eat the apple and worry over the details at work or a relationship you're in. Simply, concentrate on the apple.

This is a simple approach to life with huge rewards. Life becomes more satisfying, the more you let go of worrying about the future or the past. All aspects of life become more enjoyable, assuming they are moments meant to be enjoyed. You become more present in whatever you're doing. At work, you pay better attention and have increased focus. At play, you will have more fun. It is easier to become content with life and stop worrying about what you do not have or have not achieved.

If interested, there are books you can read which will help develop mindfulness.

Buddha in Blue Jeans: An extremenly short simple Zen guide to sitting quietly and being Buddha by Tai Sheridan

This is the Kindle version and free of charge. Tai Sheridan advocates for people spending 5-10 minutes just pondering and relaxing / reflecting. The book is full of little sayings for us to reflect on to create more awareness of our own lives and appreciation of life.

Tai Sheridan is a Zen priest and poet. He has a series of books titled Budda In Blue Jeans which are about an appreciation of life. You do not need to be Buddhist to read or appreciate these books. I have looked at some and find them to be books that encourage introspection and self-reflection.

Another book that addresses mindfulness is:

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

The Power of Now can be somewhat inaccessible to people. I find the book very rewarding to read. However, the book becomes more understandable if you have experience with meditation or intend to begin meditating. Eckhart talks about quieting our minds and learning how to control the mental chatter which is constantly running through our minds. The more we learn how to control our minds (meditation helps here), the more mindful we can become, and live in the moment.

If you have any other questions, feel free to PM me.

I was in electrical/computer engineering, so I think I can relate. Just graduated 2 months ago.

• The workload seems intimidating, but it's really not that bad. Professors and other students alike will tell you that you guys "are in for a ride" and that you're "sacrificing for the future" - you do have more work than others but that doesn't mean it has to be your life. This kind of notion spreads because 1) it makes the program seem challenging from the outside and inside, and 2) it makes students feel like academic juggernauts. Realize that it's not that bad - tons of people do it every year.
  
  
• Parkinson's Law: "Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion." IE - don't feel bad about procrastinating. Accept it, and spend your time having fun instead of worrying. You'll quickly learn the "bare minimum time needed" to get shit done.
  
  
• Talk to girls. Lots of them. Go to the dining hall, sit down, and just chat. Freshman year is one of the best times to experiment with your social skills; everyone's re-integrating.
  
  
• Don't buy books. I didn't buy any books my last two years in college; chances are you can find an old edition of the text online or just borrow from a friend that has rich parents.
  
  
• Make friends in your classes and learn to help each other. If you realize that university is more of a business than an education, you won't feel so bad about cooperating so that you can spend your time developing as a person, and not as a slave.
  
  
• Exams test you on the basics of the material. I'm not saying you should do this, but I didn't go to many classes at all during my last two years and I did just fine. I talked to the TAs, went to the review sessions, did the homeworks, and studied with friends. Sitting down and listening to someone drone on while you scramble to record everything does nothing for your education; reading books, studying independently, and engaging in one-on-one review is way more effective, for me anyways.
  
  
• Start a business now. Something small and unrelated to your discipline is fine. My current employer didn't even look at my GPA - they saw that I started a business, was involved with extracurriculars, and started a photography club. Extra-academic initiative says way more than following the lockstep of a cookie-cutter curriculum. Worst-case scenario, you spend time developing tons of skills (well, I suppose you could always die). Best-case, you don't need a job.
  
  
  
• Get a motorcycle. It's incredibly fun, not only for you, but for the girls that you meet that have never been on one before. Getting someone else's adrenaline pumping is almost as exhilarating as getting your own pumping :). Of course, take the MSF course before you put anyone on the back.
  
  
• Don't worry about having a super high GPA. I graduated with a 3.0/4.0 yet I had multiple job offers; it's more about the personality and initiative. GPA's a re a convenient way to filter through thousands of online applications; a smile and a solid handshake will pull ahead of a GPA in any personal engagement, at least in my experience.
  
  
• Go to career fairs. Even as a freshman. I noticed that anyone who got an internship freshman year had internships every year, and job offers lined up before everyone else.
  
  
• Work out regularly. Endorphins are a hell of a drug.
  
  
• These books had a HUGE impact on me. Wish I'd read them freshman year:
  
  Don't let school get in the way of your education.
  
  Learn about human sexuality.
  
  Learn how to outsource, but be very skeptical about some of the philosophy in this book.
  
  Travel.
  
  
  
• and finally, don't do any hard drugs
  
  My 2cents. Have fun :)
  

Homework: Once a day remind yourself “I love myself. I love myself because of my mistakes. I’m human and I am open to learning and change.”

> I'd feel as if I'm lying to myself.

That’s why they say we have to “learn” to love ourselves. You can tell yourself all day that you suck, you’re worthless, dumb, ugly, all kinds of bad thing that aren’t true. Even if “I love myself” comes across as untrue, say it until you mean it. Fake it till you make it right? :)

Five minutes once a day. Sit in a chair and close your eyes. It sounds silly. It feels ridiculous. But say it until the phrase starts making sense. And then apply it to the closest person in your life. Whoever that would be. Your mother, dad, sister, brother, uncle. Whomever. It’s like learning a magic spell that you decide you are willing to cast on yourself and the people you love most. It takes practice like any skill.

Man’s Search for Meaning might be a good book for you to consider. It’s not an overly religious book as the title sounds, but it’s about a man who survived concentration camp.

> but I need a kind honest word in private from time to time, from someone I care about

That’s it exactly! That’s what we’re looking for in this practice of making a statement to ourselves. It’s not about praising you. It’s about fundamental basis of love as the starting point, like a mother loves her child. It teaches us to begin there and move forward. This is the private moment.

In Taoism it’s called the “inner smile”. In Buddhism it’s called “loving kindness” (or metta practice). In the West we just call it an affirmation. A moment to dispel the negativity encountered throughout the day to reaffirm our relationship with ourselves and the people we love around us.

> It makes me feel I'm useful and not wasting my time and resources on something bound to fail.

That’s what being an individual is about. Waste your time on what is important to you! You deserve to feel better about yourself. :)

Remember to avoid seeking perfection. On the way to success are are many many failures. It’s not about the 7 falls. It’s about getting up 8 times.

Have you seen the movie 16 candles or The Breakfast Club? You’re in good company when it comes to not liking our looks. Especially at high school. But we can’t choose our face or body, they kind of choose us. Remember not to compare yourself to others. Just be you.

However you used to write, try to pick that up again. If it was journaling, ask for some journals for Christmas and birthdays. That spark can be rekindled if you pursue it. A couple paragraphs a day should be doable.

Never consider your opinion stupid. Uneducated, maybe. But it’s better to say it, especially now, and get feedback from your friend than not say it at all. And Russian is not an easy language (from what I’ve heard) but you could study it in college or whenever high school is over. Put things on the back burner but don’t count them out when you’re dealing with the present (like grades and exams, etc.)

Be his friend. And that’s it! Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. :)

> The fact that I can't fit in anywhere speaks for itself. I'm not a part of any social group

Whose choice was that? You have to sign up or you don’t get invited. Take a chance on the things you love. And always remember you do what you would want to do anyway and the right people will come along. Reach out to people you like but don’t normally talk to. There are interesting people just a conversation away. Hang in there!

from /u/i_Got_Rocks

>Your value system says, "If this girl likes me, I like me."

>Your value system should say, "I like me, no matter what happens to me. Because some things can't be helped, and you can't control other people. If other people don't like me, it's okay, I will find people that DO like me. Everyone is free to do what they want, but this girl that I'm interested in, can do what she wants. If she doesn't want me, it's okay, I'll go on to the next one."

>There's something going on inside you that is waiting for the world to approve of you. Don't feed that false concept. The world will fail you at some time, and you will break (as you're doing at the moment). And the world will never approve you enough--ever.

>Instead, consider a new concept. Start a new habit.

>Say to yourself, "I am not OUTCOME dependent. I am process dependent." Meaning, you don't rely on the OUTCOME of situations to feel happy or sad--that's reactionary. Be proactive. Rely on yourself and only yourself for your emotions. Right now, your emotions are dependent on that girl--and sooner or later, it will be another chick, and another, and you will always be sad or unfulfilled because you can't control others. Depend on yourself to have fun, to feel good, as much as possible at any given situation.

>It's hard to change. It's hard to be a new person that takes responsibility of their emotions. It's hard to be proactive. But hey, being reactive to the world, depending on people to always make you feel happy is exhausting too--and as you can see, it's not a solution to fixing the most important thing in this talk: you.
You're not exactly broken, what's broken is the way you relate and think about yourself. Pretend you are your own best friend. How would you treat your best friend? Would you beat them down all the time? Would you say, "hey, if that chick rejects you, you're not shit."

>OR

>Would you say, "Dude, she's just one chick. And truth, you don't know what she thinks about everything. She might have some hidden thoughts that would turn you off forever--maybe she thinks that Jews really are the source of the world's problems, you don't know. Maybe she picks her toes daily and doesn't wash her hands after. Bro, just let her go, and go on about your life. Believe me, if you work on yourself and focus on being better, it gets better."

>I know which best friend I like better.
Be your own best friend, always. That's the real issue here. Take care of yourself, I cannot state that enough. Good luck, bro.

>Edit: Thank for the gold, whomever it was. I wasn't looking for karma or gold, just trying to pass some of what has helped me. I would also like to link the following, as they were HUGE helps to me in changing my life and way of thinking.

>Link 1: Check out the top comment on this post (the comment is not mine): http://www.reddit.com/r/getdisciplined/comments/1q96b5/i_just_dont_care_about_myself/

>Link 2: This little book helped me go inside myself and deal with my demons--very important don't skip through the book, just follow the simple instructions as if it were a manual--I know, that seems stupid, but trust me on this one: http://www.reddit.com/r/GetMotivated/comments/vz458/selfdiscipline_in_10_days_how_to_go_from_thinking/

>Some other suggestions: Listen to Eric Thomas, this is what got me started--You have to want it, really, really want it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xM_7j6t9IyU

>I also suggest "The Power of Habit": http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Habit-What-Business/dp/081298160X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1414954061&sr=8-1&keywords=the+power+of+habit

>I'll give you the important thing about it, in case you can't buy it: Almost everything you do is tied to a habit and you're not aware of it. Even our thoughts. He breaks down all the scientific data on how individuals and entire societies form habits and change them.
Every habit has a cue/trigger, a process, and a reward.

>Example:

>Cue: Someone rejects me. Process: I feel bad, my thoughts keep spinning on why can't they like me... Reward: I feel like shit.
However, if you don't press the cue/trigger--you're way less likely to play the habit out. So, if I'm tired of feeling like crap, I stop asking girls out. But then, a new habit develops--

>Cue: I avoid social situations. Process: I feel bad for being "weird" in social situations. Reward: Social anxiety.
All you did was replace an unproductive habit with an unproductive habit.
As you can see, not all rewards are positive--that's why it's important to change our cues, process, and rewards from habits. Recognize your habits, and you'll have more power to change them. Replace unproductive habits with ones that help you grow. If you interrupt your triggers, you change the habit easily--usually, if you're past the trigger, your habit will take over, without you even thinking about it. This goes for our thought habits as well.

>Good luck to everyone. I leave you with this, "Pain is temporary, it may last for a moment, a month, or even a year. But if you get through that pain, at the end of that pain is a reward." Think about it like this, would you rather:
A. Hurt, keep doing the same thing, keep hurting from the misery you keep getting.
OR
B. Hurt because you're changing into something better. Hurt on the journey to being stronger one year from now?
It'll be hard, very hard. Some people will not believe in you, but you'll be better if you stick with it.
You'll hurt either way, why not get something out of your pain? That's the choice I made. And every human being has that power. I've only been doing this for a few months--but dealing with me has changed everything around me.

> First I don't agree that the sense of self is a feeling. I'd rather use "phenomenon of the mind" o maybe "construct" for lack of a better expression.

This is really just semantics, no? We can definitely supplant the word 'feeling' with words such as phenomenon, construct, sense, belief etc. I would argue that mind is a lot more encompassing than self, and it would be fallacious to conflate the two. The mind clearly exists, thoughts clearly exist.

The sense of self is encompassed in the mind, but the mind encompasses mental phenomena which we don't usually associate with the volitional self/ego, like dreams (funnily, though, the sense of self still exists in dreams). Thoughts are like dreams. Pay close attention, and they come in and out of consciousness without our volition. But the sense that there is some "controller" of these thoughts is illusory -- and we can see this if we meditate effectively, or take psychedelics. Indeed, since you seem to be a materialist, it would follow for you then that thoughts are a manifestation of the brain itself -- and we do not choose the construct of our brain, or how our innumerate amount of neurons inter correlate.

Indeed, the paradox that we think our thoughts becomes apparent in any beginners meditation practice. Beginners invariably complain that they can't meditate since they can't stop thinking (which is actually great they can observe this!). But, the phenomenon of the self (to use one of your words) is defined as being the controller of thoughts. If we were this controller of thoughts, wouldn't we just decide to stop thinking without any difficulty whatsoever?


> Second, because you can "turn it off" or detach yourself from it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

One facet of this illusory sense of self is the belief that it is always there and stable. The fact that there are significant moments in one's consciousness where it doesn't exist at all completely counteracts our conceptual understanding of the ego/self.

> Third, and this is a very complicated matter, what does it mean "to exist"? Would you say that a cultural value does not exist? That a convention does not exist?

To exist means to be real. Cultural values and conventions surely have conceptual truth, but they don't exist in objective reality. Jordan Peterson and Sam Harris had a really interesting podcast where they debated truth for over two hours. Maybe check out Buddhist ideas on relative truth and ultimate truth as well?


> Would you say that a magic trick is not real or does not exist just because it's not what it appears to be?
>
> The magic trick is indeed real, even if your perception makes you see beyond the actions of the magician.

Hmmm. No. The illusion of magic can appear real, but that doesn't mean the magic is real. I feel this analogy, if anything, just substantiates my point.

I cannot stress enough I am not making these claims based on religious dogma or pseudo science, but on scientific inquiry and experiential observation. They are increasingly investigated in scientific realms.

You seem like an intelligent and thoughtful individual, and I'm not explaining these points as clearly as I can (I'm very sleep deprived) or, indeed, as others do far better. Do check out Waking Up: A Guide to Spirituality without Religion by prominent nueroscientist Sam Harris and/or Why Buddhism is True: The Science and Philosophy of Meditation and Enlightenment by evolutionary psychologist Robert Wright.

If you ever end up doing so, I'd be really curious in your reflections -- especially if you still disagree that the self is an illusion. :)

I think your idea of seeking assistance is an excellent one. Most people don't realize the impact of mental health in tackling intellectually challenging tasks. An athlete knows that to perform well, they must take care of their physical health by working out, controlling diet, etc... Similarly, one with intellectual pursuits need to take care of their mental health, but often they are unfamiliar on how to do so. Sleeping well, eating properly, etc. are very important, and instead of a coach, as in the case of an athlete, counselling services, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. can help in training for mental health.

Be honest when working with Counselling Services or psychotherapists. If CS hasn't been working well for you, explain to them why you think that is. They will provide you with a list of psychologists / therapists in the area. The University Health Insurance Policy (UHIP) covers 80% of the costs of a psychologist. CS will explain this to you in greater detail.

Other than that, I can recommend a few things to get in better (mental) shape.

• Hit the Gym. Working out is the best all-around fix for every problem in life. Visit /r/fitness and read the starter's list. Before you know it, you'll be sleeping well, feeling energetic and more motivated than you've every been in your life.
  
  
• Read books about things that you like. For example, if you're looking forward to a career in finance, read The Big Short. Also read some books that might help you get motivated. I recommend Talent is Overrated.
  
  
• Continue working with CS or a psychotherapist and get (mentally) fit. Even the faculty and staff at the University also take advantage of these services, because they know its importance.
  
  And remember, this is exactly why you're here in University! This is part of your education, and as you tackle these challenges, you will grow as a person. Good luck!

I just passed my 3 year anniversary of journaling; I haven't missed a single day in that time. I struggled, however, for many years prior trying to establish this habit. I'll answer your questions and then provide some behavior tips for anyone interested in doing the same.

Why I journal:

• It holds me accountable for my day. It can be a good ethical check.
  
• Thinking about my life invariably leads to analyzing my life. Rumination can be dangerous and lead to intense dread if you do it infrequently; but performed daily, it allows for micro-adjustments and begins to diminish the accumulation of regret since you become accountable for your life daily.
  
• As a creative person, I tend to spend long periods of time(hours/days/weeks...) alone; this can be dangerous as most people here probably know. During these periods, a lot of my entries are sparse: "I read most of the morning and wrote most of the afternoon...". When I become aware that I've been writing similar entries lately, it is a nice reality check that inspires me to change things up and connect with friends or do something different today to avoid being a "boring person". It's a great anti-rut mechanism.
  
• It's a "cornerstone habit". It's hard to express the confidence that comes from knowing that you're capable of doing something daily for so long. I'm not a consistent person by nature, so this really is a huge accomplishment that I find encourages me in other areas of life.
  
• As a writer, momentum is crucial. Any activity that gets you thinking and gets you typing is a win.
  
• It's simply priceless to have a log of your life. I take this for granted now, but whenever the topic of my journal comes up, friends are always eager to see what my entry says on the day that we did whatever memory is the topic at hand.
  
• Most great figures in history kept a journal. A major smug boost!
  
• I can think of even more...
  
  What I chronicle
  
  This has evolved over time. I write almost an outline of the highlights of my day. I try to avoid self-indulgent writing; this isn't my masterpiece. Once I have the main points of the day down (which usually only takes about 30 seconds), I'll go back and casually fill in the details along with any reflections. My shortest entries can be a sentence or two while my longest can be around 2k words; my average entry is about 500 words. It's important to set a very realistic minimum goal; something that wont overwhelm you on the latest of nights with the heaviest of eyes. Knowing that I can finish an entry in 30 seconds has tricked me into many 10+ minute journal sessions.
  
  Is daily important?
  
  I really believe it is. I know people frequently say not to beat yourself up over it and just journal when you remember, but the reality is that if you don't get in the habit of journaling on "boring" days, you most likely wont take the time to write on important days either. Also, behaviors are mindless activities. It's just easier if you turn journaling into a behavior.
  
  How to create a daily journaling habit
  
  The Power of Habit is an amazing book. I don't typically like self-help books—this is not one of those! I think all people (but especially writers) should read it or at least become familiar with the core concept that all behaviors have 3 parts: triggers, routines and rewards. I've applied this in many areas of my life, but here's my specific strategy for journaling:
  
  
• trigger: Brushing my teeth at night (I piggybacked off of an existing habit)
  
  
• routine: Briefly outline my day (minimum goal); elaborate if I have more time(stretch goal)
  
  
• reward: Allow myself to get in bed.
  
  In summary, I know that after I brush my teeth, I should journal and that I can't go to sleep no matter how tired I am until I perform my minimum goal of outlining my day. This might sound like a pain on the longest of days, but after a few months it becomes automatic. I've had long drunk nights where I don't even remember journaling, yet the morning reveals...a great story :)
  
  I hope that helps someone out there.

You sound like me. Here are some helpful resources I've found on reddit and elsewhere. Obviously, this is just my personal list so please ignore anything you don't think will help you.

Self-improvement subs: like most subs, there is a lot of junk but sorting by best all time/year/month leads to some good articles and posts.

• /r/DecidingToBeBetter
  
• /r/selfimprovement
  
  Self improvement books
  
  
• The Power of Habit - it explains the science behind how we form habits (both good and bad) and how to change them.
  
• Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World - introduces the basics of mindfulness and meditation while providing a good beginner's course if you want to start meditating.
  
  Fitness Subs
  
  
• /r/Fitness - a mixed bag if you're not focused on body building but there are good posts that are applicable to a variety of fitness goals in there.
  
• /r/loseit - good sub for motivation. Average redditors making amazing progress.
  
• /r/bodyweightfitness - a good resource if you want to spend time working out at home but don't have a bunch of equipment.
  
• /r/crossfit - this one is more controversial but it is something I personally enjoy. I believe in the idea that the best workout is the one you will actually do.
  
  Fitness App (free)
  
  
• Myfitnesspal - an excellent tool for tracking calories and macros (carbs, fat, protein).
  
• Jefit - A resource for logging and tracking workouts. I just started this one but a lot of people use it.
  
• Chains - this is a great app for any habit you are trying to create/break including fitness habits. Simple Example - if you are trying to drink more water, add a chain each day you drink 8 glasses. It allows you to visualize a habit being formed or broken.
  
  Sites You Might Find Helpful
  
  
• skillsyouneed - includes life and personal skills.
  
• Artofmanliness - apologies if you are not male but this is also an excellent resource for personal skills.
  
  
  
  

Well at least you know what's wrong. First step to self improvement is admitting something is wrong. So you're ahead of the curve here.

The door to tawbah is never closed. Tawbah doesn't mean saying "I'm sorry!" and then going straight back into doing wrong. It means a genuine regret and attempt to put things right. God (swt) doesn't expect perfection out of us and we aren't perfect, but He does expect a genuine and strong effort to do our best. Thinking about whether hinduism is right or not is not going to send you to hell if your end conclusion was it's not right and God is one.

You need to learn the power of habit. In fact go buy the [book] (http://www.amazon.com/Power-Habit-What-Life-Business/dp/081298160X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1426535231&sr=8-1&keywords=power+of+habit).

If you look at all your problems together, it may seem insurmountable, I recommend writing down a list. What do you want to change: Start with small goals and work your way through it.

For example, the number 1 thing that is a problem for you right now is salah. If doing 5 salat everyday looks like too much, start with the commitment to do a salat every single day and maintain for a few weeks. Focus on the getting the salat right, do it slow, contemplate the words and get into it.

Then add another and another every week or so, until you feel comfortable performing all five salat.

Once you have that down. Move on to the next item. Your parents. Your relationship doesn't need to be perfect, but make a commitment to do something nice to them once a day. Just saying thank you, I love you, I appreciate the effort you do. Buy your mom a gift on mother's day, and tell your dad he's a role model and you love him. It'll be the highlight of his decade if you say this, even he doesn't say much back.

And so on. Also, in your free time, explore ways to strengthen your faith and make it more enjoyable. Watch some inspiring videos, get involved with activities at the masjid, volunteer, join the msa once you're in college etc.

Dude, I created a reddit account just to write my first comment here and I really hope it helps. I have a lot to say and I hope I can express it in a understandable manner. Here I go :)

I was also depressed. And it is not entirely gone. I have good and bad days too but at least now I can somewhat control it. You have to realize that your mood is directly connected to your thoughts. i will not go into detail about it but If you sit by yourself thinking all the negative things that you can muster up it will bring you down, you will go into this dark tunnel of negative thoughts, that usually are illogical, but at that point seem true as fuck and it will be very hard to climb out of that dark hole. At least that's how it happened to me.

Of course it is easy to say that you have to realize this and that than to do actually it. I was unable to do it by myself, that why I looked for help from a professional psychologist. Only medication will not be as effective as an actual advise from a professional. I think the best thing is a combination of both. I know you said you have financial struggles, but I believe you can find organisations that provides such service for free or at least cheaply. And trust me, it helps. There is something about hearing things from a person who spent big part of their life studying your condition that gives a sense of hope, that this is an illness, just like any other and it can be cured with help of others, medication (if necessary) and personal effort.

Other thing that helped me massively was reading. Previous to that point of my life, I always thought that all these books that thought you how to be happy and such was a big pile of BS, and then my doctor advised me to read https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326 . Buying this book was the best decision I made during my recovery process. This book, together with my doctor, who based her practice on his theories helped me understand all my mistakes in thinking that eventually led to depression. This is called - cognitive theory - please google it when you have a spare moment. It is very practical and very detailed and I cannot stress enough how important it is to read to every person suffering any form of depression and/or anxiety!!! THIS IS A MUST. PLEASE BUY IT ASAP AND READ IT!!!!

Besides that, I see a lot of people suggesting taking up some activities and they could not be more right. Dota is a great way to escape negative thoughts, as you get immersed into the game and the only negative thing for another hour are the 9 other people :))) But when you take up an activity, it brings purpose and a sense of achievement. Let me give you an example. I worked at a big corporate firm, I was overtiming like crazy in order to show my superiors that I was worth promoting but everyone was busy with themselves and never noticed my efforts, over time it got so frustrating that one thing at work could determine my mood for a whole week. And then I started working out. Every evening after work I would go to the gym and work out, I also started eating healthy, I lost a bunch of weight and every night after my workout I would feel good (I wrote "great" at first, but good would be more fitting) even if before I felt like doing nothing and not going anywhere (just generally empty inside, I believe you are familiar with that feeling). Same goes with playing sax I guess. Even if the day sucked at work, after working out or playing an instrument for a while you fell like you did something for yourself, you improved, you were active, healthy and busy and this is great. Eventually I changed my job too and everything got better. I was very happy even though before I thought I would not find such a good spot money wise and I was afraid to leave. I found one even better in every aspect and my colleagues are great!! I would strongly suggest to start looking for another job while still working at current place. It can only get better. If your job sucks so much, it can not be any worse, right? Worst case scenario, you will end up at the place just as bad, but it will not be worse, so the chances are on your side. No need to be afraid, trust me (trust a random guy on the internet, yeah right :)).

In conclusion, every time you find yourself in a black hole of emptiness thinking all kinds of negative shit about yourself and how this is so bad and it will never end - remember - depression is causing it and DEPRESSION IS AN ILLNESS, it CAN be controlled, it CAN be cured and you CAN fight it! You will need help so don't be afraid of asking for it. Please see a psychologist and read that book (I promise I am not a sales guy :) that book helped me so fucking much and I sincerely believe it can help you too). Once you realize that your thoughts is the main reason causing the depression it will be much easier to fight it. If you have any additional questions let me know, I will try to do my best to help! I believe in you, we believe in you - stay strong and beat this shit!!!!

So I guess for me the first step was just sort of coming to an understanding that drinking really isn't adding anything, but that it is taking so much away... and just listing all of those things, like verbally or in pen or something, because what happens is you realize how often you are making the same stupid mistakes... Like once you have said it allowed or written it down, every time it happens you have to acknowledge that it also happened yesterday, and the day before, and it was really bad the time before that... It was just getting exhausting.

So I just was getting so tired of it, like it sounds like you are, so I set a date. Didn't make any changes in the mean time, was still drinking, still saying yes every time somebody asked me if I wanted to go out, still kept doing the "just one more" dance, carried on with the daily hangovers etc... but I had my date set and for a full month it got to the point where I just couldn't wait to reach the date, I was so ready for it.

In the interim, I read a couple of books about neuroplasticity and habit formation that I found really helpful. If you only read one book, my suggestion would be The Power of Habit, but I also read Rewire Your Brain which was also super helpful, and I just ordered "The easy way to stop drinking" which is linked in the sidebar at /r/stopdrinking, so we'll see what that has to say.

So I guess what I have been doing is really just focusing on the positives, because I was just getting so so tired of the bullshit and I had this image in my head of what I want my life to be like when I get to a point where the urge to drink isn't constantly in my head. So, with a several page long list in hand of all the little triggers, and a really really really long list of reasons why I wanted to do this in case I forget, the day finally came and so I told my family what I was doing, and decided to start working on all the things I was excited about, like books and hobbies and stuff. Apart from the hangover that day I was pretty excited...

Unfortunately, it didn't go well to start because I didn't sleep a wink for days, so I was in really, reeeeally bad shape, but truthfully I had prepped my head for enough time that the desire to go back just so I could get some sleep wasn't unmanageable, especially because I know that if I drank I'd just have to go through the bullshit all over again... So now it's been almost a week, I'm kinda starting to function again normally, and I'm feeling so much better than I have in a very long time already, even though I still haven't slept well still... I also went to buy coffee yesterday and I thought "I better check my checking account balance, I don't want my card to get declined here AGAIN..." and I was pretty shocked to see I had $80 in there, that never happens by this time of month... So I'm just focusing on these awesome little changes as much as I can, every positive little change or occurrence I make a point of paying attention to so that I don't lose momentum...

Also, posting at /r/stopdrinking every day has been super helpful because my brain is running like 1000 miles per hour faster than usual, so it is super helpful just unload there, and somebody responds every time within minutes.

"Correct", "Incorrect" these are just words we use. It is there. Now whether you decide it is nobler to overcome that and set your intent towards the betterment of other people is a judgment you can make. It seems you do feel that way, so take that as your first clue in the direction you wish to go in your life. You wish to better other people (at least as much) as you better yourself. How can you take the skills and talents you have and apply them to better others?

It would certainly be nice if a mystical figure would appear out of nowhere and show us the way when we are lost, but unfortunately life is not so! We must uncover the path for ourselves. And perhaps it is better this way, only then can we claim we have had freedom, and only then can we claim it as OUR story.

I'd recommend the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz.

In this book, he talks about how we create our internal world by the belief structures we create, these beliefs, he calls "agreements". For instance, perhaps you have an agreement with yourself that you'll never amount to something. Thus you believe it and live this agreement. Your actions mirror this belief, your motivation does as well. So much of our world is constructed by our perception and beliefs about it. If we are wise, we would do away with the toxic agreements we hold onto that keep us perpetually in the same misery and we'd create new agreements which better ourselves and those around us. The author outlines what he believes are the most noble four agreements we should keep.

If you wish to take control of your mind and your path in life, the first step is to create the beneficial belief systems that will guide you. What is meaningful to you? What 'ought to be'? What kind of person do you hope to grow into? These are the question which will determine your purpose.

I agree with you that money is required to meet your basic needs in this world. A lot of humanity is suffering throughout the world because they can't meet those needs. When you have to worry if you can afford rent, buy food or pay your bills its a little hard to calm down. But once those needs are met, the happiness levels pretty much stay even if you continue to accrue even more wealth. Human beings tend to just get used to whatever lifestyle they are currently living at.

Lets use winning the lottery for example. If you won the lottery today, your happiness will certain get a large boost and that will last for awhile. The problem is that boost is only temporary. If money was literally the answer to our problems then every millionaire and billionaire in the world would logically be the happiest people on the planet.

I'm not saying that pursuit of money is bad or a waste of time. Most of us are basically on similar roads, pursuing money to reach our goals and what not. However, if you were to with all your might pursue your goals and in the end they just fail and blow up right in front of your face you will surely not be too happy about that. Even more terrifying IMO is if you accomplish your goals but your life turns out to be nothing like you wanted it to be.

Are you familiar with the four noble truths? I'm gonna assume you are since you mentioned you practice meditation and yoga(if not see here: http://buddhism.about.com/od/thefournobletruths/a/fournobletruths.htm).

The root cause of suffering is desire. Quoting the website I just linked above:
> The Buddha taught that this thirst grows from ignorance of the self. We go through life grabbing one thing after another to get a sense of security about ourselves. We attach not only to physical things, but also to ideas and opinions about ourselves and the world around us. Then we grow frustrated when the world doesn't behave the way we think it should and our lives don't conform to our expectations.

So if desire leads to suffering, how do you get rid of desire? You don't. We're human beings and we're gonna desire things naturally. The key here is to live your life without attachment to those desires and there you will the freedom I'm trying to describe lol. It's much easier said than done, but with consistent meditation( or yoga in your case) you can reach it.

So I'm not saying that you are wrong with your grind and I sincerely hope you succeed in accomplishing your dreams. I'm just suggesting an alternative way to go about it :)

I'd like to recommend another book to you if you haven't read this one:
Be Here Now(Amazon)

This is one of the most beautiful books I've ever read. Its pretty short too and a very enjoyable read. Highly recommended.

i aint trying to give advice or anything but life is just a sucky scenario all around. and i'm not being cynical im being positive.

You've probably heard this before but you need to be happy with yourself before you attempt a relationship.

looks are what get you the date. they don't get you the lasting loving relationship. A relationship founded by looks or started on that notion is a cold as the bed you're currently sleeping in.

A loving relationship comes from within yourself.

you gotta get happy on your own by yourself with yourself.

maybe you don't even have to be happy maybe that's too strong of a word.

but you have to just be content in a lot of ways.


If anything the best advice I could give you is to try and reach some sort of internal peace. Life fucking sucks. people will die, you will watch life wither away. you'll watch your looks and weight fade. you'll find yourself wondering why the fuck anything is anything in the first place.

You're human, that's about all it is. you are cursed by being human. you're always going to be unhappy. and whatever happiness comes will surely fade away.

if you can become at peace with yourself somehow then you'll be able to weather those storms life throws at you. relationships are AWESOME they are loving and they are amazing. they can be lasting and meaningful and perfect and STILL SUCK.

Check out this book on Meditation. the first paragraph or so will likely ring very true to feelings you have or have had about your life.
http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-English-Bhante-Henepola-Gunaratana/dp/0861719069/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1450109510&sr=8-5&keywords=mindfulness

I've had similar goals based around fitness and diet and also relationships. I've had stretches of good and stretches of bad, but the thing that helped was changing my mindset (and it is still a daily struggle)

1. Every action you take, is a decision (or choice), sometimes out of habit or some emotional response, or boredom, but once you realize it is a choice. You have control over it.
   
   
2. Looking at the grand scheme of things 100's of choices a day, messing up a couple is not the end of the world, just try to keep the majority of the choices positive.
   
   
3. When you try to set a schedule or starting on X day in future did not work for me, as I found every time I made a choice I needed to be consistent and working towards my goals. The famous a long journey starts with a single step, and for me it was the choices I make.
   
   
4. try to find the habit(s) and emotional traps that derail positive choices, by discovering this you can help prevent this from making you lose control.
   
   
5. the biggest help for me is visualizing the future goal, etc.. spend some amount of time every day visualizing the success, clothes you will wear, things you will be able to do, living a long life for family and friends.
   
   I have read some good books on these topics as well for self-awareness and highly recommend them, though some are pretty dense.
   
   
6. power of habit
   
   
7. Rewiring Your Self to Break Addictions and Habits
   
   
8. Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery - This is good for nofap or if it is a habit and causes. You can do an assessment to see how crazy some situations are, there is hope.
   
   
9. The Yoga of Breath - This is great for helping with relaxation as one of my drivers of bad behaviors was stress, and this along with stretching and transcendental meditation really solved my problems.
   
   If you really want a wake-up call, for me it was a close-relative who had a heart-attack (smoker, and unhealthy eater and at a young age (late 40's) he survived and recovered fully, but being much younger I discovered it is not too late. I look at it not like your investing only in the future self, but that my quality of life is going up as well. As Shaw-shank-redemption says "Get busy living or get busy dying" , Once you start making positive changes they will keep you motivated as well.
   
   pm me if you have any questions or need some help.

Ok /u/ACfireandiceDC, here goes:

I was diagnosed ADD a few years back after I read an account of someone describing their ADD symptoms on a Humans of New York post, of all things.

I read their life story and thought, shit, this sounds awfully relateable.

As soon as I was diagnosed, it became obvious I'd suffered since I was a child, and in-fact my Dad had, too - ADD is often genetic.

In being diagnosed, I was able to start better understanding why I acted in certain ways, and therefore able to start deploying strategies to navigate the challenges I faced.

This included starting on medication, initially Ritalin, but at this stage, I take Dextroamphetamine as I find it's much kinder to me later in the day during the 'crash' associated with amphetamine stimulant meds (note: the effects are entirely personal and vary greatly from person to person).

With hindsight, it's now obvious to me that ADD, and many other similar 'labels' are a general attempt to describe a group of symptoms that can range wildly from diagnosee to diagnosee - what I'm trying to say is that similar to Autism, I believe ADD and other similar disorders are sub-sets of a spectrum.

In my case, and by that I mean my individual 'genetic' traits which are associated with ADD, I suffer from the following things:

• Performance anxiety/perfectionism
  
• Extreme procrastination
  
• Difficulty focusing
  
• Problems with timings and organisation
  
  There are probably a few more I could squeeze in, but for the most part that's my slice of cake.
  
  Now, at this stage of the game, a few years into the diagnosis, I've spent much time and effort reading books, studies, anecdotes and so forth which have lead me to some interesting conclusions (that I have no doubt will continue to evolve):
  
  Overall, I think most of my symptoms are a manifestation of a type of anxiety, not dissimilar to what I imagine you experience with OCD.
  
  As a designer, if I can't get something 100% spot on within my own idea of 'perfect', I'll quickly end up grinding to a halt and giving up.
  
  Likewise, if I mess up a deadline early on, I'll lose all ability to continue, instead, becoming stuck in a bottomless pit of self-loathing and procrastination.
  
  My point is, I can trace most of my symptoms back to this type of 'anxiety'.
  
  I think, in many ways, this stems back to a conflict between my self-image and the reality of productivity requiring the suspension of 'perfection' in order to get things done.
  
  What I mean is: in my head, I want everything I do to be perfect because my ego constantly tells itself that it's special and unlike everyone else - when I look around, I see everyone elses work that seems mediocore and average, and I 'know' that I am capable of so much better, but then when I am working on something, as soon as I faulter and begin to struggle to get it 'just right', I am no longer capable of working and the procastination sets in - perhaps just a sub-conscious defense mechanism against the realisation that I, too, am mortal, and not as 'perfect' as my ego so desperately needs me to be - a form of cognitive disonance.
  
  As a side note, I've often wondered if this insecurity stemmed from my parents, or perhaps from bullying during my formative years - a question I fully intend on getting to the bottom of as soon as I can afford to see a professional.
  
  With this realisation under my belt, I've slowly but surely been able to make great strides in the last few months towards something that finally seems like an effective counter-attack.
  
  When starting a big project, I let myself spend hours, if not days, engrossing myself in the details and getting comfortable with the task set out before me. I find this helps silence many of the 'voices' (metaphorical) before they have a chance to bring me down and derail the train.
  
  The aim is to understand what I need to do, how I'm going to do it, and importantly, that I can do it, alongside a light but constant reminder that I need to focus on finishing something over lower quality rather than giving up on something nearer to perfection (in my industry, a common phrase is 'Just Fucking Ship It' (ship = launch) and 'Shipped is better than perfect').
  
  Alongside the effective medication, frequent cardio, no longer drinking alcohol, a good nights sleep, meditation and a quiet, healthy work environment, I'm starting to see real change.
  
  I'm no-where near the 'utopia' of productivity I have in my mind, and honestly, I likely never will be - that's okay.
  
  But as someone who has spent literally years hating myself for not being able to command myself into action, the slightest signs of a 'pulse' are incredibly exciting.
  
  It's taken a lot of effort and time to get here, but I firmly believe that if I can, anyone can.
  
  If you have any further questions or think I might be able to share some other useful information, please feel free to message me or simply reply here (this applies to OP and anyone else who might stumble across this reply, at any point in the future).
  
  As much as I hope you find this reply useful in some way on its own, I also want to leave you with some actionable steps:
  
  If you haven't already, take a look at the GTD 'Getting Things Done' methodology. Regardless of whether you implement it or not, learning the 'science' behind it will help you on your journey.
  
  Here's a good place to start: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOSFxKaqOm4
  
  Then here: https://blog.zenkit.com/a-beginners-guide-to-getting-things-done-3cc1a5123b98
  
  Some brilliant books I'd suggest are as follows - I'm not great at reading a book the whole way through these days, so I find Audiobooks to be a God-send (mainly Audible):
  
  Mindset by Carol Dweck
  
  https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
  
  Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard by Chip & Dan Heath
  
  https://www.amazon.com/Switch-Change-Things-When-Hard/dp/0385528752
  
  Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday
  
  https://www.amazon.com/Ego-Enemy-Ryan-Holiday/dp/1591847818
  
  Principles: Life and Work
  
  https://www.amazon.com/Principles-Life-Work-Ray-Dalio/dp/1501124021

Here are all the books with amazon links, Alphabetical order :)

---

• Blue Ocean Strategy: How to Create Uncontested Market Space and Make Competition Irrelevant by W. Chan Kim et al. Link: http://amzn.com/1591396190
  
• Delivering Happiness: A Path to Profits, Passion, and Purpose by Tony Hsieh et al. Link: http://amzn.com/160941280X
  
• Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown Link: http://amzn.com/0804137382
  
• Founders at Work: Stories of Startups' Early Days by Jessica Livingston Link: http://amzn.com/1590597141
  
• How Google Works by Eric Schmidt et al. Link: http://amzn.com/1455582344
  
• Jab, Jab, Jab, Right Hook: How to Tell Your Story in a Noisy Social World by Gary Vaynerchuk Link: http://amzn.com/006227306X
  
• Losing My Virginity: How I Survived, Had Fun, and Made a Fortune Doing Business My Way by Richard Branson Link: http://amzn.com/0307720748
  
• Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die by Chip Heath et al. Link: http://amzn.com/1400064287
  
• Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck Link: http://amzn.com/0345472322
  
• Never Eat Alone, Expanded and Updated: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time by Keith Ferrazzi et al. Link: http://amzn.com/0385346654
  
• Relentless: From Good to Great to Unstoppable by Tim S. Grover et al. Link: http://amzn.com/1476714207
  
• Rework by Jason Fried et al. Link: http://amzn.com/0307463745
  
• Talent is Overrated: What Really Separates World-Class Performers from Everybody Else by Geoff Colvin Link: http://amzn.com/1591842948
  
• The 4-Hour Workweek: Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich by Timothy Ferriss Link: http://amzn.com/0307465357
  
• The Choose Yourself Guide To Wealth by James Altucher Link: http://amzn.com/150100994X
  
• The Difference Between God and Larry Ellison: *God Doesn't Think He's Larry Ellison by Mike Wilson Link: http://amzn.com/0060008768
  
• The Hard Thing About Hard Things: Building a Business When There Are No Easy Answers by Ben Horowitz Link: http://amzn.com/0062273205
  
• The Innovator's Dilemma: The Revolutionary Book That Will Change the Way You Do Business by Clayton M. Christensen Link: http://amzn.com/0062060244
  
• The Lean Startup: How Today's Entrepreneurs Use Continuous Innovation to Create Radically Successful Businesses by Eric Ries Link: http://amzn.com/0307887898
  
• The Millionaire Fastlane: Crack the Code to Wealth and Live Rich for a Lifetime by MJ DeMarco Link: http://amzn.com/B004BDOUAI
  
• The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph by Ryan Holiday Link: http://amzn.com/1591846358
  
• The ONE Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results by Gary Keller et al. Link: http://amzn.com/1885167776
  
• The Startup Owner's Manual: The Step-By-Step Guide for Building a Great Company by Steve Blank et al. Link: http://amzn.com/0984999302
  
• The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference by Malcolm Gladwell Link: http://amzn.com/0316346624
  
• Traction: How Any Startup Can Achieve Explosive Customer Growth by Gabriel Weinberg et al. Link: http://amzn.com/1591848369
  
• Unlabel: Selling You Without Selling Out by Marc Ecko Link: http://amzn.com/1451685319
  
• Zero to One: Notes on Startups, or How to Build the Future by Peter Thiel et al. Link: http://amzn.com/0804139296

I would recommend that you read the book Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It (link to Amazon).



I read this book two years ago with not much belief in the knowledge shared here. I didn't fully believe or apply the principles, so it wasn't really helpful.



A few months ago, I came across this book again. Difference? I was desperate for change. I felt like my life was unravelling at the seams. I kind of had a similar background as you but with my father. He would literally laugh at my dreams and tell me I would "be overshined by my siblings," and told me I was "always lacking in everything." He is the reason I often fall into patterns of completely disregarding any achievement of mine. A few months ago, this was my typical day: I relived my worst memories once every few hours in attempt to "understand myself" (now I see it was a form of self-sabotage) and I kept telling myself I was strong for getting through these situations, but it didn't change the fact that I felt like a failure every day. I can't say I know exactly what you feel like now, but I can relate.


Okay, so back to the book. I read this with desperation. By then I was already aware of the importance of your mindset and what you tell yourself, but I didn't really know how to translate this knowledge into practice. And then came this book. Simply put, the idea is to tell yourself this one thing over and over again. "I love myself." It doesn't matter if you believe it or not right now. Just do it. Because you will get to a point where you actually value yourself through this seemingly stupid exercise. I have to say I feel better than ever about who I am. I'm just more secure about the person I am. My flaws, my interests, and all. I was socially awkward because I wanted people to like me so badly. Now, I'm not charming anyone by any extent of the word, but I don't feel that pressure to impress someone or make sure they like me anymore. (It's not completely gone, but eight to nine times out of ten, I don't think "what if they don't like me" anymore.) This is one the most effective CBT techniques I have experienced.



Also, a key idea here was to stop any negative thought process from unfolding by saying the words "not important" in your mind. This has been surprisingly helpful, and I don't go the on crazy negative tangents in my mind much anymore.

​

I also recommend you read the book Mindset. It became much easier to make progress and accept that I was making progress in different areas of my life with a growth mindset.

​

Best of luck! I hope you do well. I know you can get over this. I'm saying this as someone who has gone through clinical depression, anxiety, and self-sabotage over the past four years. I'm now thankfully completely recovered from depression and anxiety, and am working to get into university with a scholarship while freelancing. I get depressed and anxious, but it's not the magnitude of mental illness anymore.

​

Remember progress isn't instant. I don't know how negative your thought processes are, but the "instant change" I outline above is just to show you an example of where you might be. You might be mentally somewhere closer to me three years ago when it took a good year and a half to rid myself of my worst thought processes.

​

Good luck!

The fact that it's mentally taxing and time-consuming means that it's likely working exactly as intended!

CBT saved and changed my life when I was at my darkest about six years ago. I've gone through some CBT here and there since then, but a lot of the lessons I learned the first time around have stuck with me and have helped over the years. To my understanding, CBT at its core is ultimately about learning to identify, catch, and fix your distorted thinking as it's occurring. This can be quite uncomfortable and exhausting at times, but it's 100% worth it in the end.

Also, if you aren't clicking with your therapist, find a new one! If you don't click with them, try another. That's not to say that you haven't found a great one already - just don't get discouraged if you don't feel like you mesh well. That's just part of the process, and therapists truly want clients they think are the best for each other.

Finally, I would really encourage you to stick with it for at least 8 sessions. It's tough but it's worth it if you really need it! (Although, I firmly believe that anybody could benefit from CBT - even perfectly healthy people who don't have any mood disorders.)

If you're looking to learn more about CBT and maybe try out some therapy in conjunction with what you're doing with your counselor, I would highly recommend The Feeling Good Handbook. This book is all about working through CBT on your own and provides a ton of extremely helpful exercises and overall informs you very well on the whole process. Keep in mind it's best used in conjunction with an actual therapist, especially if you're going through an episode of particularly bad depression or anxiety.

Welp, this ended up being a lot longer than I expected - I guess that's because CBT is very important to me, scientifically proven to work very very well, and I'm super excited for you to begin your journey with it. Keep at it, friend! In any case, good luck with your endeavors, and feel free to ask if you have any other questions. :)

Let's continue to refine it together. I need a few more weeks to finish a few things I'm focusing on but then we can really dive in and see how we can break it all down and make it easy to digest.

I definitely want to dive into the social community aspect more and the identity side, two components which I believe are very strong in why we play.

For Bali (or travel in general...) it's all about perspective. A villa in Bali is around $300-400/month and food is cheap (like a dollar for a bowl of Pho). It's completely realistic to live in Bali for $10/day. To live really well (like a King) it would be less than $1000/month.

So if you want to go and not work for six months all you need somewhere between $1800-$6000 + flights (one way from Vancouver to Bali is about $500).

Now the benefit I have is that I'm still able to work while I travel (I have a few streams of income:

• Coaching through Kingpin Lifestyle (been doing that for over six years)
  
• Freelance/Web design. I outsource projects I find through friends/family. I also write for addiction.com and get paid for it.
  
• I have a food blog with my mom called Wheat Free Mom. She does recipes I do everything else.
  
• A friend puts on an event called The Higher Purpose Project and I've helped him out with finding attendees for a referral fee.
  
  It all compounds. Thankfully I've been doing this for awhile so it comes more naturally now, but it's something you're definitely able to figure out if you dedicate time and effort towards it.
  
  The key is to develop different skills you can offer to people as a service. This is the difference between a friend of yours saying they need a website and you saying: "Ya... a website is something good to have." compared to you saying: "Oh ya? I could probably help you with that.." The next thing you know you've sold a website for $2000 and by outsourcing the project you end up with $1000 for sending a few emails and overseeing things. :)
  
  Here are a few good resources to start with if you're interested:
  
  
• The $100 Startup by Chris Guillebeau.
  
• The Art of Non-Conformity by Chris Guillebeau
  
• The 4 Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss
  
• Tim Ferriss' Blog
  
• Chris Guillebeau's blog
  
• Sean Ogle's blog: Location 180
  
  

I remember that feeling. I know it very well.

Firstly, let's get your life in order. Don't just stop and drop out if you can help it. You don't want to be poor and lost. That's worse than lost. I would honestly recommend that you read all the posts here - I'm sure they all have excellent advice. I would not rule out depression, although, you might justifiably feel bad because your situation is bad. That's OK.

Perhaps you need to do some really, really difficult questioning about your goals and things. I know that one of the best resources out there are:

1. Your old university. They will offer free careers advice for alumni for a long time after you graduate. That is worth getting in touch with
   
2. Other societies or learned bodies. I don't know which guild or society that there is out there for your specific profession, but there are always professional bodies for people with professional level qualifications like yours. Find out which organisation is there for people with your qualifications
   
3. Get a creative hobby. Unfortunately, it looks as though you are naturally creative and you cannot stop this part of your personality. It can be crushing in employment which does not nurture that side of your. So you will have to find a creative outlet. Start with it on the side like a distraction. Like any part of your personality, it needs a space to express itself. If you like creative writing, start blogging, or vlogging or running a Dungeons and Dragons game on discord, or join in on one yourself, or join a writing sub on Reddit; doing something you enjoy then begins to inspire you to look into ways to make money at it - but don't start with that in mind, just nurture your personality type. It has to be open ended and involve solving a problem and being creative
   
4. Look into self-authoring and developing who you are, to fulfil your potential. Dr. Jordan B Peterson has many resources online that really help you get a better understanding of yourself. You might want to look at what your personality is like, what you want to do with your life, and learn a bit more about giving yourself a bit more meaning; which makes the unbearable horror of life worth suffering for. It's like happy, but deeper and more meaningful (he is a prolific producer of resources)
   
   I think, combined with all the other great advice that you are going to get here (and some unhelpful stuff too) you will go down an avenue that will become fruitful.
   
   Good luck. Be certain

So I literally just came back from a blind, first date with a girl. Knowing nothing about each other, we were able to talk for about three hours. A common bit of advice is to ask open-ended questions to them. People usually like to talk about themselves, and if you show interest in learning more about them, they'll typically respond positively to that.

Sometimes you run out of questions in the normal flow of conversation (Are you in school? What are you studying? Why do you like that subject?--maybe you're out of questions at this point). It's ok to let things pause for a moment. A moment of silence is ok. Sometimes I'll let my eyes wander to see if anything catches my eye as something to talk about. If not, it's ok to just start a new topic altogether after a few moments have passed. "What are your favorite TV shows?" Something like that's an easy question to start from.

Something else I've learned to do is speak up myself. Although it's nice (and helpful for us who are shy) to let somebody else talk, it can be tiring for one person to do all the talking. It's ok and usually welcome to interject with your own stories. It keeps things moving and lets them get to know you better too. "My favorite shows are New Girl and Parks & Rec." -- "No kidding? I haven't seen Parks & Rec, but I hear it's a lot like the Office, which is one of my favorites. I was just watching it over the weekend, and I realized that my coworker is just like Dwight". You're building off of what they're saying by sharing some stories of your own. This keeps the conversation flowing naturally, let's them get to know you too, and increases the chances of them being able to piggyback off what you say. Obviously, you don't want to be rude in interrupting them, but occasionally it's ok to interject. If you mention something that they don't respond to "Oh, I thought the Office was terrible. [silence]", then just go back to the previous subject. "Ha, yeah, the dry humor isn't for everyone. What do you like about Parks & Rec?"

Being a good conversationalist takes practice, and I'm sure others have lots of good advice to help with it. For me, the biggest thing is staying mentally present. Keeping aware of my surroundings, not zoning out, relaxing my mind, avoiding getting caught up thinking about other things...that's the key for me to stay focused and engaged.

There's a book called "The Power of Now" that has helped me, even in my mid-twenties, really improve. There's a bunch of New Age stuff in there that I don't care for, but if you look past that to the underlying ideas of staying mentally in-the-present, it's got some really helpful advice. If you find yourself getting nervous during conversations, it'd be worth picking up from the library.

Good luck, and don't panic!

Yes. Not just for this girl, but because you'll need to ask for what you want in life. Whether prom works out or not, you might as well start getting in the habit.

For this instance in particular, keep in mind -- prom is (ideally) about having fun. If you make it mean something more than that, she'll feel that pressure. The pressure of you wanting her to say yes, you wanting her to like you, you wanting her to be your girlfriend, etc.

Not that those are bad things to want, but they put pressure on the other person, and that can be uncomfortable if they're not yet ready to accept that.

On the other hand, if you invite her and she gets the feeling that it's going to be fun, she won't have to worry about breaking your heart if she says no, or that prom itself is going to be this huge, stressful situation (because so much is riding on it for you) it'll be much easier for her to say yes.

In that scenario, she only has to be responsible for herself -- she doesn't have to worry about you, and that's an attractive quality. Someone who's going to enjoy himself no matter what. No pressure.

Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. That advice that'll serve you well throughout your life.

Recommended reading:

• How to Win Friends and Influence People
  
• The Four Agreements
  
  Meditation is also good for getting in a good frame of mind and not freaking out. I recommend the Headspace app for that.
  
  Good luck!
  
  

Cool. I read your other answer. I'm not sure I see a connection between teaching English abroad and interactive design. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do them both, but it just doesn't make sense to me.

If you just want to travel abroad and do it a lot, then I'd get into the job market right now. I learned far more by doing work than being in school and you will continue to learn a lot for the rest of your life in any knowledge worker job anyway.

Traveling, or doing whatever else you love, is really easy to do once you're a highly paid expert at whatever it is that you do. So, consider this as an alternative to teaching abroad if it's the travel part you're more interested in.

As someone in the IT industry, we barely care what your education is. When we hire people we want to know:

1. What have you done for other people?
   
   
2. What can you convince us you can do for us?
   
   So, if you just want a job in interactive design then I don't think it's worthwhile to do your masters either. If you just love being at Western and want to continue that, then that's understandable... definitely do the school thing as long as you can, it's an awesome lifestyle.
   
   Otherwise, your best chance at getting a job is by making your own job. Go to the CS department and see if you can study or improve some of their sites. Become familiar with applications that help you study/record/understand how users interact with programs/websites. Find some developers who are working on projects and offer to help them improve their design. These experiences are your resume, use them and you will get a job. If you try to get a job on education alone, I wouldn't hire you.
   
   Also, for a completely different idea of working and getting a job, I suggest reading this book.

First: Talent is Overrated

Whole book in short: If it were easy, everyone would've done it. Effort and deliberate going-outside-your-comfort-zone practice is what makes the difference. You make a choice: comfortable mediocrity or hard-won skill.

Second: Mindset

This one: You approach each situation with one of two mindsets. The first is the fixed mindset, where you try to prove how great you are. The second is the growth mindset, where you are learning and expanding knowledge, challenging yourself, and have nothing to prove. These ideas are less familiar, so I'll pull some quotes.

>[W]e realized that there were two meanings to ability, not one: a fixed ability that needs to be proven, and a changeable ability that can be developed through learning. That’s how the mindsets were born. I knew instantly which one I had. I realized why I’d always been so concerned about mistakes and failures. And I recognized for the first time that I had a choice. When you enter a mindset, you enter a new world. In one world—the world of fixed traits—success is about proving you’re smart or talented. Validating yourself. In the other—the world of changing qualities—it’s about stretching yourself to learn something new. Developing yourself. In one world, failure is about having a setback. Getting a bad grade. Losing a tournament. Getting fired. Getting rejected. It means you’re not smart or talented. In the other world, failure is about not growing. Not reaching for the things you value. It means you’re not fulfilling your potential. In one world, effort is a bad thing. It, like failure, means you’re not smart or talented. If you were, you wouldn’t need effort. In the other world, effort is what makes you smart or talented.

>I have studied thousands of people from preschoolers on, and it’s
breathtaking how many reject an opportunity to learn. We offered four-year-olds a choice: They could redo an easy jigsaw puzzle or they could try a harder one. Even at this tender age, children with the fixed mindset—the ones who believed in fixed traits—stuck with the safe one. Kids who are born smart “don’t do mistakes,” they told us. Children with the growth mindset—the ones who believed you could get smarter—thought it was a strange choice. Why are you asking me this, lady? Why would anyone want to keep doing the same puzzle over and over? They chose one hard one after another. “I’m dying to figure them out!” exclaimed one little girl. So children with the fixed mindset want to make sure they succeed. Smart people should always succeed. But for children with the growth mindset, success is about stretching themselves. It’s about becoming smarter. One seventh-grade girl summed it up. “I think intelligence is something you have to work for . . . it isn’t just given to you. . . . Most kids, if they’re not sure of an answer, will not raise their hand to answer the question. But what I usually do is raise my hand, because if I’m wrong, then my mistake will be corrected. Or I will raise my hand and say, ‘How would this be solved?’ or ‘I don’t get this. Can you help me?’ Just by doing that I’m increasing my intelligence.”

>We asked people, ranging from grade schoolers to young adults, “When do you feel smart?” The differences were striking. People with the fixed mindset said: “It’s when I don’t make any mistakes.” “When I finish something fast and it’s perfect.” “When something is easy for me, but other people can’t do it.” It’s about being perfect right now. But people with the growth mindset said: “When it’s really hard, and I try really hard, and I can do something I couldn’t do before.” Or “[When] I work on something a long time and I start to figure it out.” For them it’s not about immediate perfection. It’s about learning something over time: confronting a challenge and making progress.

>You can see how the belief that cherished qualities can be developed creates a passion for learning. Why waste time proving over and over how great you are, when you could be getting better? Why hide deficiencies instead of overcoming them? Why look for friends or partners who will just shore up your self-esteem instead of ones who will also challenge you to grow? And why seek out the tried and true, instead of experiences that will stretch you? The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.

Hi,

I think this is a good opportunity for you to go back to basics in your practice. You've done an excellent job in recognizing your patterns of craving/aversion. The clarity of your words in describing your situation really speaks highly of the time you've put in to your practice, regardless of whether it's regular or not at the moment. You deserve to feel good about the progress you've made, so pat yourself on the back!

Now we can get back to basics and some age-old wisdom that you're going to find helpful. The intense aversion that you're having towards your work situation, at its core, is really a form of craving. If the understanding that craving/aversion are the same phenomenon comes to you intuitively, great! If not, spend some time thinking about it and you'll have an 'a-ha' moment.

So, what do we know about craving? Well, thanks to the Buddha's teachings we can observe for ourselves that our suffering in life is caused by craving and through mindful living we can learn to relax craving and reduce our suffering. Time spent in meditation allows us to experience this process first-hand, and it gives us an opportunity to dedicate ourselves to powerful mindfulness with few distractions. However, the reality of life for most of us is that we don't spend most of our time each day on a meditation cushion. We have jobs, obligations, and relationships that require the majority of our time and attention. For this reason it's extremely beneficial to develop daily, moment-to-moment mindfulness.

In my opinion, the term mindfulness is often poorly understood. Really it's just the process of being aware of your moment-to-moment experience. Imagine for a moment the experience of watching a movie. You're sitting in a chair, or on your couch, with the television in front of you. As you settle in to the movie, you effortlessly become absorbed in the sights and sounds on the screen. As you become more engrossed in the film, your awareness of your physical sensations and immediate surroundings fade away. Only when we hear a noise, or perhaps like always happens to me when I go to the movies and I've gotten the extra large soda and get the sudden urge to pee, only then do the entirety of our surroundings and immediate experience come into view and we see the movie for what it is: images of light projected on a screen.

Just like a good movie can sweep our attention away, our own thoughts, emotions, and reactions can have just as strong of a pull on our attention. Mindfulness is the process of learning to continually pop back out of this dream-like state and simply observe our present moment experience.

The suffering you have described is partly because you are losing mindfulness throughout the day and being pulled into an illusory world of negative thoughts and emotions that, in that moment of being pulled away, you identify with and believe to be your own. These negative thoughts and emotions color your perception of reality and shape your experience. With mindfulness you can begin to break this pattern and see that those moments are just as fabricated as the images projected onto a movie screen. Seductive, of course, but when viewed objectively the magnetic-like pull vanishes.

There are a variety of methods you can use to help develop strong mindfulness off the cushion. You can use your breathing as an anchor to the present moment, this is a very good anchor. It brings you back to your physical senses and it's a process that's always there as long as you're alive. The breath becomes a constant reminder to come back to the present moment. Another method is to use self-inquiry to check-in from moment to moment with your experience: "What is this?" "How mindful am I right now?". By getting in the habit of checking-in, we become more aware of our moment-to-moment experience and we can more quickly recognize when we are pulled away.

You asked about a guide to help you with mindfulness in daily life and there are some great books. I'm going to just recommend one right now because it's short, affordable and focused exactly on what you're working on right now:

Mindfulness in Plain English
https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-English-Bhante-Henepola-Gunaratana/dp/0861719069

Last, I'd like to just take a moment to share a few thoughts on the bi-polar discussion in this thread. I'm not a mental health professional, so it would be irresponsible of me to try and diagnose you over the internet or give you mental health advice. If looking at your own situation as objectively as possible, you think it will benefit you to seek professional guidance I would encourage you to do so. There's really no downside to a professional opinion. I would avoid coming to any conclusions on the matter until you've done that though.

I wish you all the best!

dainthevta gives a good explanation so I won't repeat, but if you're interested in reading more on the subject I recommend The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg.

Although it wasn't purposeful, AA uses some of these techniques. Their goal is to replace the "drink alcohol" response to a cue that would normally cause them to drink with a "go to meeting" or "call sponsor" response. The response is different and much more healthy, but the reward is the same, in that they feel better, are able to forget about the cue, etc.

Essentially, figure out what cues are causing the craving response, and replace that response with a healthy one that gives you the same reward. Obviously much more easy to say than do, but based on the book I referenced above it seems to have some success.

Edit: For clarity, you can think of the habit loop like the below and the goal is to replace the response phase with something healthy while keeping the cue and reward the same.

Cue -> Response -> Reward

Look, this may not be what you are looking to hear, but you should check out SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous). I can relate to everything you are saying. Maybe you are a sex addict and maybe you aren't, but going to a meeting (you don't even have to talk) will show you there are others who can relate to everything you described.

I'm 45 and I've been struggling with this crap forever. I've tried everything; therapists, self help books and tapes, hypnosis, NLP, seminars and plain old white knuckle self control (ultimately the least effective- I've had some wild binge and purge cycles). Getting around people who know what you are going through from their personal experience AND WHO ARE IN RECOVERY is really the only thing that works.

I guarantee that at least half of the problems you listed are due to the fact that you know you are not living a satisfying, meaningful life. It really is true that you can run, but you can't hide - the bad feelings, procrastination, etc... is all about you knowing the truth about yourself and that truth is that you have something inside you that is valuable, unique and worthwhile, and you don't know how to get there from where you are right now. Being able to share yourself with others who get you without your having to explain (or defend) every little detail and who are also on the right path is like a fucking miracle.

I'm recommending SAA because everything you said is soooo familiar. Like I said, I'm 45 and I started with this shit sometime between preschool and kindergarten. It has affected EVERY aspect of my life and one of the things I think about these days are all the things that could have been.

I'm guessing you are probably still fairly young (teens or twenties?). You have a good life in front of you, start living it now.

I imagine that you have concerns as to whether this is really for you. Don't worry, you'll know. A life coach I went to described me as a "dry alcoholic" and gave me the AA bible. I read the stories and didn't relate to them at all. When someone handed me the Green Book of SAA and I read the stories, it was like they were talking about me with just the specific details changed. Get a copy of the Green Book and read through it, you'll know if it's for you or not.

If it turns out that I'm wrong, my advise is still the same. Find a group of people who understand where you're at because they've been there AND who are making or have made SPECIFIC, MEASURABLE PROGRESS in their own lives. They will be able to help you, and remember the second part is VERY IMPORTANT! Don't join a pity party circle jerk where you can feel better by wallowing in your misery with others.

Anyway, I hope I've given you something of value.

This my first post on Reddit, so I'm not sure what the links policy is, but I've included two links for you; one is for the SAA site, go there and just check it out, and the other is a pretty good book I've been reading on how we form and change habits. It draws from the latest psychological and neurological research and I think it's really good.

https://saa-recovery.org

http://www.amazon.com/Power-Habit-What-Life-Business/dp/081298160X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1398850299&sr=1-1&keywords=the+power+of+habit

Just remember that even though you may not feel it all the time, you always have the capacity to grow and change and our darkest, most difficult challenges give us our greatest gifts when we turn around and look back at them.

Imagine yourself in the future, look back, and see the gift.

What is it?



I'll pop back in in a few days to see how you're doing. Remember you're not alone. God bless.

Old post, but I felt that this has to come to the surface.

Video games didn't hold you at gun point. It didn't force you to play. Yes, they are designed to abuse your reward systems in the brain, and yes at such a young age it can be difficult to recognize these patterns, but it is up to the user to take control. Clearly you have made a good decision early on, as many can go 20 years before they finally snap out of the daze.

What I'm about to share, is nothing new. You will have heard about it, maybe even tried it one or twice. For most people it doesn't stick, because it seem too challenging and demanding. The thing which is neglected, is how it will develop a keen way of getting profound insight into your own life, habits, thought and behaviour-patterns.

Keep with me for a moment, because what I'm trying to get to here is quite important. Meditation is, and should be, a tool taught to everyone, especially at a young age. It will give the person distance from emotions and immediate reactions, which in return will make it possible to have an objective view. It also clears away the endless chatter in the head, allowing you to have serious discussions with yourself, and also has the potential to give profound clarity in life. The kind of clarity where the world becomes brighter, you notice details in your life that weren't there before. Because you are always fully present, in the moment. Like a new born. vipassana is the style of meditation which is the easiest to begin with, with only one goal in mind. To build concentration and awareness, as they are essentially bound together, and one cannot exist without the other.

I highly suggest checking out this book, even if all you read is the first 20 pages... It might just change your life, allow you to play games as a reward, rather than as a clutch. https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-English-Bhante-Henepola-Gunaratana/dp/0861719069

It may seem boring, and really difficult, but once you do some research you will realize that most "successful" people in this world actually meditate, it becomes a silent clue that it has some real weight behind it. It hasn't been practiced for hundreds of centuries for no reason. It is the best way for (and probably the only way for the former) total enlightenment and liberation, of our desires, anger, our jealousy, greed and hate. (ps. Lifeflow 2 is a great tool to learn meditation )

Start working out. Get healthy, great foods into the body. It'll make ur weight stabilize. Get out of the house and do stuff. Go for walks. Read books. It really doesn't matter. Just get going and it will snowball once you see positive changes in your life.

Lastly, externalizing "I would be happy if x y z" factor is only a setup by your mind, your ego. It doesn't work like that. TRUE happiness comes from within. No amount of external stimuli can ever give you that. You have to CHOOSE to be happy. It'll come with age, if you pursue it, relentlessly. You can't predict how your life would be different, because it could have gone in any direction. The only important thing is what you decide to do now, then stop blaming the past, stop looking back, move forward, find mentors, find idols, find people to emulate, and give it your everything.

Best of luck.

You're drowning in negative thoughts and self-hate, but there IS a book I've read that helped me with those same issues.

The GOOD book. Have you accepted Jesus Ch--nonono I'm just kidding.

There is a good book on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that turned a lot of things around for me. Here's the link to it on amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326

You DO have it within you to become loveable, smart, successful, beautiful, and wanted. Definitely not all at once, and a lot of those aspects will need to begin inside of you. You need to love yourself before others will see how much there is to love you about you, too. You can do this. It takes work and commitment. Learning to love yourself when you've got a past as dark as yours, a past that didn't teach you HOW to love yourself, is a hard road to walk. I'm walking it still myself and I'm nowhere near the end, but I do know I'm better now than when I started, and tomorrow I'll be a little bit closer to the end of the road because I'm not done walking, I'm not giving up.

About the book: it's cheesy as fuck, and the author (if you see his picture) has a seriously disturbing abundance of forehead...but what he says about depression, and how it's primarily driven by our own negative thoughts, is just completely mind blowing. I understand the exercises may seem silly at first, but do them exactly as he says to do them and you may be surprised at how light you feel afterwards.

PM me if you feel you need any help with the book, or anything else. Hope things improve for you, stranger.

​

> Trump has flip flopped on virtually everything.

what?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CIlHKF_uOA

LOL

on every important issue Trumps core principles have remained the same, decade after decade (kinda the opposite of obama, the only thing that remained the same about obama was the way obama remained in the closet his entire life, and never publicly admitted to his history of anonymous gay sex with strangers)

thats just obama, as for you... why are you on T_D breaking our rules?

you either abide by our rules, cuck, or you GTFO.


See rule # VI :

Trump Supporters Only -

This forum is for Trump supporters only. If you have questions about our president, our way of thinking or other discussion questions, post on r/AskThe_Donald, where we will gladly answer. This forum is NOT for that.


OTHER THAN THAT, one last thing -

I see you seek wisdom through psychedelics, thats cool. The path to wisdom can pass through the prism of chemically induced states of higher consciousness (The most excellent and enlightening book "Be Here Now" speaks of this in greater detail).

Anyway... if you can tap into some of the wisdom revealed on one of your "journeys" just open your mind up to the possibility of Trump being a wonderful opportunity for America and the world, and happiness and peace for all. If you do that, I feel confident that your whole attitude on Trump might change, and you will realize that Trump's presidency will bring greater love and happiness to all.

I am not "telling" you this, nor am i saying just blindly believe me on this just because I said so. All i am just saying to you in simple terms is... open your mind up to the possibility, and then see what is revealed to you.

For me personally, mental awareness, more clarity and acceptance of who I am was not my initial goals of yoga. I certainly knew that was a possibility, and I appreciated everything my yoga teachers had to say on the subject, but it wasn't a priority. Through the physical aspects of yoga - taking care of my body through exercise, watching myself evolve and become stronger - I suddenly came to a place where I had more space for the spiritual aspects to take hold.

I have been practicing just over a year and a half, and I'd say the last 3-6 months have been the most game changing in terms of my mental health. I can look back now and see how the physical practice became a gateway to what others deem the "true practice" of yoga.

There is a lot of empowerment that you feel when you make your physical health a priority. In comparison to the struggles of your mental health, this is something that you can control and work towards, and see real results! You begin to respect the vessel you've been given, and treat it much better than you may have before.

I soon found the need to become mindful of not just my exercise, but the food I was eating. I went on a restrictive 30 day diet (Whole30) and before that was cutting out processed wheats. The slow transformation of my body suddenly led me to a place where I was more aware of myself mentally, of the habits I had, the way I was reacting, etc. It gave me space spiritually and emotionally and I suddenly knew - now was the time to begin truly meditating, to find time to sit in myself and just be.

I've still got so much work to do, but it's been an amazing journey so far. I recommend that you continue with your physical practice, begin to open your awareness to the other things in your life (habits, diet, relationships, etc), and approach everything with an open mind.

You may find reading a bit more on Yogic or Buddhist philosophy will help. I've just begun reading Tara Brach's Radical Acceptance. She's a renowned Buddhist meditation teacher who has some amazing insights to share.

Good luck, your journey has just begun, and there is so much to look forward to :)

Depending on who I'm talking to I'm either an atheist or a a Buddhist because they are good shorthand. I generally avoid telling people anything because I feel that spirituality is extremely personal and isn't always meant to be shared. My beliefs on Buddhism are also based almost entirely on the works of Alan Watts (link to one of his books at the bottom).

I was raised in a very conservative Christian environment but went through all kinds of different phases after rejecting it. For a while a practiced witchcraft and ceremonial magick, studied christian mysticism, Kabbalah, shamanism, and was even part of a Chaos Magick group for some time(interestingly virtually every person in this group was an INFJ or INTJ). These things no longer play a major role in my life but to claim that I have left them behind would be dishonest. The ideas and beliefs, or rather the malleability of ideas and beliefs, that I encountered during this part of my life still affect every part of who I am. I won't try and justify any of this logically, all I can say is that it is a type of study that some people are naturally drawn to and they have to be really careful to not get lost in self delusion. The best way I can describe "Magick" is that it is the study of the nature of reality and the power of symbols in the human psyche.

Today my main form of spiritual practice is just meditation and automatic writing. I meditate anywhere from half an hour to an hour a day and It has more benefits than I could have ever imagined. I am more effective at everything I do, I'm more focused, I'm more confident, I rarely get depressed, my temper never flairs up, I'm more patient, I'm better at dealing with people, I'm now almost completely unaffected by other people's emotions etc... Automatic writing just means writing as fast as you can without consciously thinking about what you are putting down on the paper. The only goal here is to learn about yourself and dig into your beliefs. All of us have an incredible amount of unhealthy beliefs about every part of life and they can be replaced. I have also came across very interesting ideas and poetry this way. This is very personal and It's benefits are very personal. I cannot guess what someone else would learn about themselves by doing a similar practice.

This only scratches of the surface, but today the main belief I try and live by is that everything is one and my identity is an illusion. There is only one experience or one event that makes up the entirety of the universe. Practically it just means that everything is "environment". My "identity" is implied by the environment and the environment is implied by my identity, infact to divide the two is a logical fallacy. An itch, my idea's, a door, my roommate's emotions, a tree, and the sun are all really the same thing- environment, God, universe, experience, Ubik etc... There is only one experience and bliss can only be enjoyed by complete acceptance and love of the experience.

If you are curious about this idea check out The Book: On Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are by Alan Watts and/or The Wisdom Of Insecurity.

I'm also willing to discuss, to the best of my ability, anything else I wrote here.

Sorry, I'm not a cult survivor but I have some thoughts for you.

I grew up in a very very Catholic household and I was known as the weird religious and nice guy around campus. When I made the switch to Christianity after 18 years of Catholicism, I only did that for 2 years. What I've come to understand is that there are many faiths out there, each being similar but somewhat different from one another. For example, there are some churches that worship God, some worship Jesus, some worship both, some worship none, some put God higher than Jesus and some put Jesus higher than God. And that's around the same guy-entitly-lord-god the world just came to know. There are other people worshipping different Gods, thousands of them. And there are those that think they are their own God.

Overall, what I'm trying to say is that the answer to life is ambiguous. I wouldn't recommend going back to Christianity because (at least for me because I've had multiple pastors and priests jam different knowledge in my head) it's just one of many variables to a common religion. In fact, if I were you I would figure out life's mysterious by myself and see what truly makes sense to me from an objective point of view. Having personal, subjective point of view is good from time to time, but it's great to learn about the universe from a point where "Oh, no one can disprove this..." And just add knowledge one by one. And if it's been disproved later on in life regardless then of course just trash it. If there is knowledge were no answer is found that's okay. You don't need to know now.

Here are the people I recommend:

https://www.youtube.com/user/ActualizedOrg

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC48MclMZIY_EaOQwatzCpvw/featured

If you want a book, I personally recommend https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808 . One section basically talks about 2 influential people like Jesus and the Buddha but it talks about them in an objective point of view. Overall, the book is about discovering something greater for you.

Again, the main point I want to stress is that you should learn life FOR YOU. You could even trash what I recommend completely. YOU have the power to do so. You should not feel forced to join a certain religion or way of thinking. Do it for yourself.

Your situation sounds incredibly similar to mine - except I'm a few years down the road from you.

I've now graduated from both college and from law school, and have been working as a lawyer for about 6 years. I still procrastinate far too often. (Right now is a good example).

Anyhow, about your question here's what I've done. Hopefully some of it is helpful to you.

Read up on procrastination - it's kind of fascinating. You know what you should be doing, but there's a disconnect between intention and action. Work isn't rewarding (short term). Not working is rewarding (short term). It'll be exactly the opposite down the road, but intellectual self can't convince emotional self to suffer the difficulty of work to experience the reward of having done something well and on time. And the reward of maybe playing some guilt-free video games or whatever else.

Cognitive behavioural therapy is also a very good idea, but I had difficulty finding a counselor and, once I found a good one, part of the difficulty in treating chronic procrastination is the fact that you're gonna want to procrastinate on the work you have to do to deal with the procrastination.

What's been very, very helpful to me is mindfulness meditation. 99% of the time I was just reacting without really being aware of the underlying difficulties that I was facing. Mindfulness can help start to untangle reactions and emotions and can help you start to see more clearly where the breakdown between intention and action is happening. You can find some good intro to mindfulness meditation lectures at audiodharma.

For CBT, in addition to finding a good counselor, the Feeling Good Handbook was recommended to me and is quite good. It has a terrible, cheesy title, and that's just life. The content is excellent.

Anyways, long story short, like someone else here said, willpower is a muscle, and you're going to have to exercise yours. Some of the tools I've listed above will make it easier to figure out what is at the root of your personal struggle and that, in turn, will make it easier to see when you're making that choice to procrastinate. But the simple answer is that there's nothing but hard work that will ultimately solve this for you, and I'm right there working hard with you.

I'm glad you feel helped. Some more quick thoughts -- focus on the improvement but don't forget to continue to continue to improve and refine your practices. The ability to focus your thoughts and change your patterns is a skill, like any other. Don't expect to be great at focusing your thoughts on your progress right away, but with sustained & deliberate effort you can change yourself for the better. Just as you HAD a habit of PMOing you have a habit of negative thinking. You can change it. I found The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg (Amazon) (YouTube) to be extremely helpful here.

​

Also, the idea is not that you write a million contingency plans for PMO but that you make sure you have alternatives that are easy to remember, easy to do, easy to see the inherent value of, and easy to enjoy. Then you've really primed yourself every day for success.

The Red Queen by Matt Ridley


It's slightly different take, though utterly fascinating and great for conversation. It completely changed the way I think about male/female relationships. The thing I liked the most about it is that it took a purely scientific approach.

He takes a "gene-centric" approach to his arguments. The female doesn't want the best male, she wants the best genes. This means she wants a male who can provide her with the best quality genes that she can get for her young.

But how do you know if you have the best genes? Through competition.
What is competition? Evolution.

As a species we didn't evolve by growing wings, or grow very tall or strong. We became SMART. But back in the day of caveman we didn't have to solve complicated equations or put a man on the moon, so how or why did our intelligence evolve? What was the advantage?

To out smart each other!

We had to compete with other humans for the best food, mates etc. So we had to become clever, resourceful and cunning. We had to know how to work with other people and form alliances and then crush our competition.

Fast forward to today, a smart man who is clever, good with people and driven usually does well in society. They are the ones with the fancy car, the nice home and big bank account. All these outward rewards are representative of the man's inner qualities, his genes. That's why women want him.

The book also provides an answer for a lot of other questions such as:

• If all women want the top male, why are there plenty of women happy with lower quality males?
  
• Why would a woman cheat?
  
• Why would a man cheat?
  
• How can homosexuality be explained if it's all about the genes?
  
  Just talking about this makes me want to read the book again haha.
  
  
  
  

Personal research, mostly. I'm a big history nerd with a slant toward religion and other macabre subject matter. I'm actually not as well read as I'd like to be on these subjects, and I basically blend different sources into a knowledge smoothie and pour it out onto a page and see what works for me and what doesn't.

I'll list a few books I've read that I enjoyed. There are certainly more here and there, but these are the "big ones" I was citing when writing all the comments in this thread. I typically know more about Christianity than the other major faiths because of the culture around me.

Christianity: The First Three Thousand Years - Diarmaid MacCulloch

A History of God: The 4,000-Year Quest of Judaism, Christianity and Islam - Karen Armstrong

The next two balance each other out quite well. Hardline anti-theism contrasted with "You know, maybe we can make this work".

The Case for God - Karen Armstrong

The God Delusion - Richard Dawkins



Lately, I have been reading the Stoics, which like Buddhism, I find to be one of the more personally palatable philosophies of mind I have come across, although I find rational contemplation a bit more accessible to my Westernized nature.

Stoic Philosophy of Seneca: Essays and Letters - Translated by Moses Hadas

Discourses and Selected Writings (of Epictetus) - Translated by Robert Dobbin

The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius - Translated by George Long

I'm still waiting on Fed Ex to deliver this one:

A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy - William B. Irvine

Also, if you're into history in general, a nice primer for what sorts of things to dive into when poking around history is this fun series on YouTube. I usually watch a video then spend a while reading more in depth about whatever subject is covered that week in order to fill the gaps. Plus, John and Hank are super awesome. The writing is superb and I think, most importantly, he presents an overall argument for why studying history is so important because of its relevance to current events.

Crash Course: World History - John Green

Let me assure you, this self-hating issue you describe is common to human beings for a lot of reasons (and commonly for your reason) and YES, you can overcome it, absolutely. Therapy will help, but until you can afford it, you will have to work on it yourself.

Healing these sorts of things really is a process, and consistency (working on it every day, for a short time) will likely work best.

I am not a therapist, but I think it's pretty obvious when you are fed guilt and shame messages about being gay all of your life, there's a big buildup of emotional baggage that weighs you down. By 'weighs you down' I mean causes you to have automatically negative thoughts and feelings (e.g. guilt) to your own natural gay feelings and desires. Judgmental religious environments will, in a sense, train you to feel this way through explicit and non-explicit signals and messages they give you about homosexuality.

Your job is to recognize and challenge these automatic responses. Every time they happen, you should be prepared to slow down, pull the thoughts and feelings apart and have better, positive messages to replace them. At least, that's a start.

I would recommend The Feeling Good Handbook as a very good guide to this process and for other ways to combat your guilt and self-hate feelings. You are likely to find it in any decent library, so should cost you nothing to obtain, but if you can't find it, PM me and I will buy you a copy.

Don't limit yourself to this, though, find other reading recommendations and learn all you can about how to help yourself, if you are so inclined. Positive Psychology is one area to look into. In any case, don't hesitate to get a therapist once you are able to. I'm sure you can improve your mind on your own, but I think most research ties the best outcomes to having a caring therapist... and once you can, shop around for one - don't just take the first thing you can get!

Good luck!

You have to block out all that noise man. What is a "normie"? Someone who's life experiences have turned out to be different from yours, and you perceive that to mean they can't understand you on a deeper more emotional level? Think about it for a second. Whether or not this guy is lying, what does he have to gain from it? Just to make himself feel better? Through all the sludge and toxicity that is Reddit, this fellow user went out of his way to help YOU. Well maybe not you specifically, but total strangers on the internet. He made a well intentioned thought out list, to MAYBE improve someone's life.

I'm not an "incel", but I've been through some dark times in my life and still struggle with it. But I've seen some pretty uplifting things that helped me to see the light and joy and beauty of the world and people in it. We're all human, we all have our faults and weaknesses, but don't let that discourage you from being the best you that you can be. Who the fuck cares about what other people think? People get this snowball mentality that they think they have less worth than they really do. We all have potential, I wholeheartedly believe that people who are subscribed to this sub can turn their life around and become happy people.

I encourage everyone to read Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements.. I know it looks like some new age hippy shit, but this book has improved my life dramatically. Or even just read [this shit](http://www.toltecspirit.com/if you don't want to buy it) if you don't want to buy it. Honestly if someone wants to IM me for a personal chat, I'd be happy to talk. It seriously saddens me to see so many people stuck in their own self pity. Love yourself, allow the universe to love you. Good things will happen, I promise you.

Hey guys!

I'm really sorry that I forgot to reply, but I just wanted to thank you all for your wonderful insight. I'm tagging everyone in the thread as a thank you. I was doing some reading in regards to believing in yourself and positive psychology. A lot of how we think really translates to our reality (I believe). I found an article that best summarizes what I've been reading lately https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201610/how-build-your-belief-in-yourself
I would also like to recommend a book if anyone has time to read it. It's called Growth Mindset by Dr. Carol Dweck. https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
My sister is starting a pre-med program at WSU and we are both reading this book together as a way to help our mindsets.
Although I wish I had a very indestructible mindset, sometimes it helps to hear from others though, and I'm grateful that this is a very supportive community.

/u/Khem_kid, /u/Pimms_and_Patellas, /u/samariam, /u/skleats, /u/fourcolortheorem, /u/FederalReserveNote, /u/chefsarecursed.

Also /u/prematurealzheimers and /u/knowuow, I was at the one at UCLA :). We might have crossed paths via that web broadcast thing haha

Your value system says, "If this girl likes me, I like me."

Your value system should say, "I like me, no matter what happens to me. Because some things can't be helped, and you can't control other people. If other people don't like me, it's okay, I will find people that DO like me. Everyone is free to do what they want, but this girl that I'm interested in, can do what she wants. If she doesn't want me, it's okay, I'll go on to the next one."

There's something going on inside you that is waiting for the world to approve of you. Don't feed that false concept. The world will fail you at some time, and you will break (as you're doing at the moment). And the world will never approve you enough--ever.

Instead, consider a new concept. Start a new habit.

Say to yourself, "I am not OUTCOME dependent. I am process dependent." Meaning, you don't rely on the OUTCOME of situations to feel happy or sad--that's reactionary. Be proactive. Rely on yourself and only yourself for your emotions. Right now, your emotions are dependent on that girl--and sooner or later, it will be another chick, and another, and you will always be sad or unfulfilled because you can't control others. Depend on yourself to have fun, to feel good, as much as possible at any given situation.

It's hard to change. It's hard to be a new person that takes responsibility of their emotions. It's hard to be proactive. But hey, being reactive to the world, depending on people to always make you feel happy is exhausting too--and as you can see, it's not a solution to fixing the most important thing in this talk: you.

You're not exactly broken, what's broken is the way you relate and think about yourself. Pretend you are your own best friend. How would you treat your best friend? Would you beat them down all the time? Would you say, "hey, if that chick rejects you, you're not shit." O

OR

Would you say, "Dude, she's just one chick. And truth, you don't know what she thinks about everything. She might have some hidden thoughts that would turn you off forever--maybe she thinks that Jews really are the source of the world's problems, you don't know. Maybe she picks her toes daily and doesn't wash her hands after. Bro, just let her go, and go on about your life. Believe me, if you work on yourself and focus on being better, it gets better."

I know which best friend I like better.

Be your own best friend, always. That's the real issue here. Take care of yourself, I cannot state that enough. Good luck, bro.

Edit: Thank for the gold, whomever it was. I wasn't looking for karma or gold, just trying to pass some of what has helped me. I would also like to link the following, as they were HUGE helps to me in changing my life and way of thinking.

Link 1: Check out the top comment on this post (the comment is not mine): http://www.reddit.com/r/getdisciplined/comments/1q96b5/i_just_dont_care_about_myself/

Link 2: This little book helped me go inside myself and deal with my demons--very important don't skip through the book, just follow the simple instructions as if it were a manual--I know, that seems stupid, but trust me on this one: http://www.reddit.com/r/GetMotivated/comments/vz458/selfdiscipline_in_10_days_how_to_go_from_thinking/

Some other suggestions: Listen to Eric Thomas, this is what got me started--You have to want it, really, really want it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xM_7j6t9IyU

I also suggest "The Power of Habit": http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Habit-What-Business/dp/081298160X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1414954061&sr=8-1&keywords=the+power+of+habit

I'll give you the important thing about it, in case you can't buy it: Almost everything you do is tied to a habit and you're not aware of it. Even our thoughts. He breaks down all the scientific data on how individuals and entire societies form habits and change them.

Every habit has a cue/trigger, a process, and a reward.

Example:

Cue: Someone rejects me. Process: I feel bad, my thoughts keep spinning on why can't they like me... Reward: I feel like shit.

However, if you don't press the cue/trigger--you're way less likely to play the habit out. So, if I'm tired of feeling like crap, I stop asking girls out. But then, a new habit develops--

Cue: I avoid social situations. Process: I feel bad for being "weird" in social situations. Reward: Social anxiety.

All you did was replace an unproductive habit with an unproductive habit.

As you can see, not all rewards are positive--that's why it's important to change our cues, process, and rewards from habits. Recognize your habits, and you'll have more power to change them. Replace unproductive habits with ones that help you grow. If you interrupt your triggers, you change the habit easily--usually, if you're past the trigger, your habit will take over, without you even thinking about it. This goes for our thought habits as well.

Good luck to everyone. I leave you with this, "Pain is temporary, it may last for a moment, a month, or even a year. But if you get through that pain, at the end of that pain is a reward." Think about it like this, would you rather:

A. Hurt, keep doing the same thing, keep hurting from the misery you keep getting.

OR

B. Hurt because you're changing into something better. Hurt on the journey to being stronger one year from now?

It'll be hard, very hard. Some people will not believe in you, but you'll be better if you stick with it.

You'll hurt either way, why not get something out of your pain? That's the choice I made. And every human being has that power. I've only been doing this for a few months--but dealing with me has changed everything around me.

Sounds like you are making great progress. Here's a couple of things to try:

• Generally, Metta meditation starts with extending loving kindness to a Benefactor, yourself, a loved one, a neutral person and then a "difficult" person. The idea is to build up Metta so that it can push through any mental boundaries we may have. In your case (and in the case of many others), you can try putting yourself last or second to last. See if that helps.
  
• The other tip is to visualize yourself as a young child. (Might help to look at a reference photo prior to sitting.) Then you connect with the fact that that little being wants love, kindness and peace just like every other being. You work on extending loving kindness to that young child free from personal narratives and some interesting stuff may happen. Note: in this case, you are working on extending the love, not accepting it. Just focus on the extending of it.
  
  ​
  
  *If you are interested, there are two other books that may be of use on your journey. Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach and Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzburg

I mean, yeah, your friend was just trying to shoot the shit with some buddy talk, don't be harsh on him. But you should definitely talk to your best friend about what would you say in these situations, its a good way to be "prepared," and also to work on wingmanship with him (imagine if he's present when you freeze up while talking to a girl at a party or something, he could help you stay in flow). Prepared is not a good word, as it always makes it sound anxious, "sprezzatura" is better, oh, and also be firm in your values, again, honesty helps in building attraction. I think that Machiavelli wrote about this italian expression, how men should act in court with women, and that even if you work hard on something, (he was talking about artists and nobles and their duties, hobbies, so I guess frame is true here too), be non-chalant during a talk about it.

I think this is also true about possible situations, where you have epxectation about a girl, and prepare for talks in advance, then when "shit hits the fan" you can actually say something, even if most of the times it sounds "canned." I had some pretty surprising outcomes because of this, so yeah, if you know that a girl is going to talk about a topic next time, actually think about what you feel about that topic, like getting a girlfriend. This question gets more relevant if you imagine why the girl asked it in the first place. Did she think that you'd be a nice partner or she thinks that you have fucked up something in your life? It doesn't matter, really. All you need to do is to realize why this is the case, why your life looks like as it is now.

I had some pretty cute girls ask this girlfriend topic, and they were genuinely interested, and it was because they were into me or just liked me, in that situation you already have the ace in your hand, you just have to be nice to them in return. In antoher situation, another type of girl might ask the same question, just to push your buttons (maybe with a RBF), not even looking at you, just fiddling away with their phones. In this case, you shouldn't worry about this, they are just shit-testing you if you are confident enough to face issues like these. If you worry, they've managed to embarrass you and they got the confirmation that they were expecting. So just stay calm and you can be brutally honest too, these types of girls won't get offended that easily if you act like this. Maybe they'll throw a hissy fit if you cross a line (by telling them some cheeky joke about how they have a lot of boyfrined or something in riposte to this girlfriend question), and in that case you pretty much snatched the rein of the conversation at that point from their hands. You should definitely talk to them about these issues if an argument like this happens, as it is very eye-opening to see why they act the way they do, as this RBF attitude is most of the time just a defensive act for them to not get wind up in unnecessarily emotional situations (and you shouldn't judge girls only by the very first impressions).

Main thing is that remain calm and don't lose frame, tell them what you actually think, but if you have a very-very good joke, you can even thaw girls who might open by giving you the cold shoulder (just don't act like a white knight after you get their attention, "sprezzatura" all the way). To tell you a more specific response, I'd need some info about what you do and what are your goals. If you really feel that you need help with getting your shit together, dont be afraid, I was in the same boat as you, and I don't want to be a dick. Just read Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules for Life. It really helped me get better future prospects, work for them, and to be more confident in general, including girls too.

It is more explained in the post just above yours here


If you get a chance I would love for you to read the gospels in the Bible. You may have done so already, but there is large amounts of growth to be received in it. That's Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.


There is also many other sources which speak the same message that which Jesus speaks. There is a book called untethered soul that is wonderfully enlightening to the fact of innocence and freedom.

If you have not the means to read this book, and have any desire to read it now or you may in the feature, let me know and I will order you one and ship it to you for free, in the USA. (perhaps I could do this outside of the US, but would have to learn how and see how practical)


I love you very much, forgive and stay happy. :)

Beyond the obvious choices, Watts' The Book, Ram Dass' Be Here Now, Huxley's Doors of Perception, Leary’s The Psychedelic Experience, and of course Fear and Loathing (all of these should be on the list without question; they’re classics), here are a some others from a few different perspectives:

From a Secular Contemporary Perspective

Godel Escher Bach by Douglass Hofstadter -- This is a classic for anyone, but man is it food for psychedelic thought. It's a giant book, but even just reading the dialogues in between chapters is worth it.

The Mind’s Eye edited by Douglass Hofstadter and Daniel Dennett – This is an anthology with a bunch of great essays and short fictional works on the self.

From an Eastern Religious Perspective

The Tao is Silent by Raymond Smullyan -- This is a very fun and amusing exploration of Taoist thought from one of the best living logicians (he's 94 and still writing logic books!).

Religion and Nothingness by Keiji Nishitani – This one is a bit dense, but it is full of some of the most exciting philosophical and theological thought I’ve ever come across. Nishitani, an Eastern Buddhist brings together thought from Buddhist thinkers, Christian mystics, and the existentialists like Neitzsche and Heidegger to try to bridge some of the philosophical gaps between the east and the west.

The Fundamental Wisdom of the Middle Way by Nagarjuna (and Garfield's translation/commentary is very good as well) -- This is the classic work from Nagarjuna, who lived around the turn of the millennium and is arguably the most important Buddhist thinker after the Buddha himself.

From a Western Religious Perspective

I and Thou by Martin Buber – Buber wouldn’t approve of this book being on this list, but it’s a profound book, and there’s not much quite like it. Buber is a mystical Jewish Philosopher who argues, in beautiful and poetic prose, that we get glimpses of the Divine from interpersonal moments with others which transcend what he calls “I-it” experience.

The Interior Castle by St. Teresa of Avila – this is an old book (from the 1500s) and it is very steeped in Christian language, so it might not be everyone’s favorite, but it is perhaps the seminal work of medieval Christian mysticism.

From an Existentialist Perspective

Nausea by Jean Paul Sartre – Not for the light of heart, this existential novel talks about existential nausea a strange perception of the absurdity of existence.

The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus – a classic essay that discusses the struggle one faces in a world inherently devoid of meaning.

----
I’ll add more if I think of anything else that needs to be thrown in there!

The biggest thing I've done for my productivity/follow through is reading books about willpower, habits, productivity, etc. As an INTP that needs to really understand things and feel like I'm making my own decisions, rather than follow some advice a parent or whatever gave me, I love books because they give me a deeper understanding that makes sense.

Thus, I recommend reading these books:

The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg
Changed the way I think about productivity and life changes. They key to accomplishing goals isn't developing pure willpower, but developing habits that help you achieve what you want. However, I'd still recommend...

Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength by Roy F. Baumeister
Just a very interesting book about willpower. Will shatter some misconceptions and teach you some new things.

Zen to Done by LeoBabatua
A practical approach to setting the habits and structure necessary to be productive.

Also read The 7 Rules of Highly Effective Habits, which is just a blog post so it wont take long.

I still can't sit down for hours and concentrate at will, but by implementing some of the stuff I've learned from these resources, I've set up a good system that works for me. As a very simple idea, are you familiar with the Pomodoro technique?
Basically, it goes like this. When you want to work on something, set a timer for 25 minutes and know that you only have to sit down and focus for 25 minutes. Don't worry if what you're doing is great or sucks, if you get in your 25 minutes it's been a success (expecting to spend a certain amount of time on something rather than get a certain amount of quality work done has been a game changer for me). Then, after 25 minutes, take a 5-10 minute break... and put in another 25 minutes. Then, repeat... or not.. depending on if you're feeling up for it.

If you're seriously nervous, perhaps reconsider for awhile. There's a meme somewhere around here that's pretty spot on: If you're worried about having a bad time, you're going to have a bad time.

But here are some things that should reassure you: LSD is not dangerous AT ALL. It's by far one of the safest drugs you can ingest, so be comforted knowing that you are in no danger whatsoever. Anything that is happening that you are unhappy with WILL PASS.

That being said, here are some keys to having a good trip that I've found:

• Have a good trip guide for your first time. Someone who's tripped a few times and whom you trust completely.
  
• If you are unhappy about something, TELL THEM. Don't keep it bottled inside and pretend that you're having a good time. If you're uncomfortable with a situation, put yourself in a situation that will make you happier.
  
• Trip activities are not the same as drinking activities. You're probably not going to want to go to a bar while on acid. Hiking is fun, being outside in general is fun, hanging out with other tripping friends is fun, drawing is fun, listening to music is fun, my friends say playing video games is fun but I disagree.
  
• Don't mix it with other drugs on your first time through. Maybe smoke pot later in the trip if you're having a great time, but it will really intensify things and can cause more anxiety, so be aware of that. Also, you won't feel any alcohol you drink while tripping, but it will still give you a nasty hangover later.
  
• Have anything and everything you might need nearby. Water, some snacks (fruits are good), some activities, maybe a fun book (check this book out when tripping sometime, it's intense). Definitely have a notebook and some writing utensils around in case you want to write down thoughts or draw.
  
• Do your research if you haven't already. Read some trip reports. Don't redose after an hour because you're not feeling it. Either the acid is good or it isn't, redosing acid is at best a waste of time and at worst going to make you trip balls in another couple hours. (FYI 60-90 minutes is roughly the amount of time 1 hit takes to hit most people. Stronger stuff will take less time but your mileage may vary).
  
• Absolutely make sure that you have some good music handy. I wouldn't recommend angry rap type stuff, but really just good music, you'll really appreciate what the artists were trying to convey with their music while tripping. I heard Strobe by Deadmau5 for the first time and was made speechless by how beautiful it was. There are a lot of trip music recommendations on this subreddit.
  
  That's all I've got off the top of my head, but I'm sure you'll have a great time. A trip report when you come back would be awesome!

Hey there! I'm new here, on day 2 of total sobriety after a week of cutting wayyy back. I am older than you and in a different place (mid-30s, married, homeowner) but what you said about feeling like smoking is holding you back from something - even if you're not sure what that is, even though there aren't hugely negative impacts for you - is a big part of why I decided to quit, too. Mainly, though, weed was great for helping me gain some perspective and turn down the noise in my head and heart, but I want to learn to do that myself, without chemical aid, so here I am.

You mentioned being interested in resources, so I'm copying some stuff from another comment I made, in case any of these things might appeal to you:

• Meditation - I started using the Headspace app in the mornings, and then meditating independently throughout the day as needed, and it definitely helps to get some perspective on (and distance from) the cravings, the boredom, the self-judgment and other weirdness in my head, etc.
  
  
• The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook is really helping me develop skills (in addition to meditating) to deal with life sober, instead of having a smoke or a drink to chill.
  
  
• The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself is great for the philosophy/spiritual side of it. Separating myself from my thoughts and emotions - learning that I am not my anger, my depression, my anxiety, that I am not my obsessive thoughts - is something I need a lot of help with, and this is really hitting the spot.
  
  As far as your roommates and social circle go, I wish I had some ideas or helpful perspective for you, but I don't think I do. Honestly, wanting to separate myself from old "friends" who I've recently realized are not positive influences and are actually never there for me unless I go get fucked up with them and manage to fit a word or two in... That's another reason I'm quitting, I just don't want people like that in my life anymore. It doesn't sound like your friends are that kind of negative influence, so that's good. But I don't have any experience trying to be sober in a house full of people who are still smoking, and I imagine that is really, really hard. My husband has never been a smoker - just not his thing, made him feel paranoid and weird - so now that I've quit, no one here smokes, so there's no smell or giggling to remind me of what I'm giving up. Hopefully someone else here can give you some help with that one.
  
  Best wishes, I'm cheering for you. ❤️

Waking up by Sam Harris is a very interesting read on this subject. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1451636016/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1451636016&linkCode=as2&tag=wireli08-20&linkId=CSLQO2UCBZ5KBF6U

For meditation, I recommend starting by reading this book and to take it from there. Meditation in essence is a technique to help you break through conditioning so don't expect miracles from the start. Master the technique and see from there. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0861719069/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0861719069&linkCode=as2&tag=wireli08-20&linkId=PCE4EPUARK5PAQPB

Other than the two resources mentioned above, I would recommend to practice love and compassion towards yourself whenever you're in need of guidance by thinking of the person you love the most. Use visualization to picture that person in your very situation and from there, think of how you would advise that person to act in their best interest. The next step would be to visualize yourself in their position and ask how you would advise yourself (being the person you love the most) to act in your own best interest.

The exercise might seem a bit awkward at first, but it's a way of channeling your deepest sensation of love and using it for your own benefit. Often it makes the right decisions because it keeps your strengths, weaknesses and preferences in mind like no other.

By using meditation to break through conditioning, and combining that with the practice of self love, you're well on your way to reach your true self without actually giving up on real life and join a monastry.

I'm definitely not there yet myself, but at the very least I can say I'm heading in the general direction, which on itself already feels deeply fulfilling. Never hesitate to look deeper!

I feel like this could easily be a crazy tangent but whatev.

No, we're not lions but we are animals. Any way you slice it, we are... and there's a lot of evidence to support the scientific theory that everything we do is in the interest of sex. We groom our bodies to attract a mate, we have sex with many people to practice for our preferred mate, we work hard to make money to do whatever to attract and keep a mate. Even my writing this to you, is because you are, in a manner of speaking, part of my community and so my passing on this information is my attempt to help you become a more intelligent person so you will become a more desirable mate for whom so ever you choose. Granted it is a theory, nicely laid out in the wonderfully titled Red Queen, but theory or not it seems to fit. We're all just trying to progress the species... and sex as used for anything other than reproduction can still be argued that it is being used for reproduction, for instance sex used for tension relief relieves tension... so you're healthy, relaxed, and ready to reproduce.

two thoughts come to mind:

a) My best progress is made when I do it. I stopped talking about what I'm going to do, and just started doing it. You've got your own chemistry going on, so you get to write your own destiny here, but be aware that for some folks, talking about it is the demise that starts the inaction.

B) I've also had incredible progress assigning a reward cycle to my doing. after I've eaten the proverbial frog, or done something on my goal list, I take a few seconds to appreciate it and congratulate myself on it. It seems a bit silly and conceited to hear me say it this way, but it helps.

One of the issues with bad habits is that they are habits. so we have to find a cycle to replace them. and working with the brain chemistry is no doubt a feasible path. it helps replace the satisfaction we find in procrastination (and yes, there is a satisfaction in procrastination), with the satisfaction in "doing". and giving your brain the chemical boost from a personal "job well done".

Reform your habits.

Good Luck!

(also: This book is a good start to the idea. it's been critical in helping me piece together the nuggets I've been working with.)

Your best post yet. Don't get frazzled if people don't buy it. I buy what you're selling here. I've experienced the same myself.

Ultimately good coaches:

1. Encourage deliberate practice - Read "Talent is Overrated"
   
   
2. Most importantly, harness the power of Candid Feedback.
   
   I really want to focus on that second part. Candid Feedback is a core part of Pixar's creative process. Their third co-founder, Ed Catmull, wrote a book about it last year called "Creativity Inc." where he outlines how to build a strong creative culture centered around Candid Feedback.
   
   Here's an excerpt:
   
   
   >In the very early days of Pixar, John, Andrew, Pete, Lee, and Joe made a promise to one another. No matter what happened, they would always tell each other the truth. They did this because they recognized how important and rare candid feedback is and how, without it, our films would suffer. Then and now, the term we use to describe this kind of constructive criticism is “good notes.” A good note says what is wrong, what is missing, what isn’t clear, what makes no sense. A good note is offered at a timely moment, not too late to fix the problem. A good note doesn’t make demands; it doesn’t even have to include a proposed fix. But if it does, that fix is offered only to illustrate a potential solution, not to prescribe an answer. Most of all, though, a good note is specific. “I’m writhing with boredom,” is not a good note. As Andrew Stanton says, “There’s a difference between criticism and constructive criticism. With the latter, you’re constructing at the same time that you’re criticizing. You’re building as you’re breaking down, making new pieces to work with out of the stuff you’ve just ripped apart. That’s an art form in itself."
   
   
   I want to focus on the bolded portion. I think it's important that Andrew Stanton finds a distinction. Sure, a lot of people can read your writing and give you some feedback, some criticism. That's generally easy to find. What separates a good coach/consultant/friend/whatever is that they are particularly skilled at provided the kind of constructive criticism defined above. I think that if someone is particularly skilled at that, then they aren't committing a sin by charging a reasonable fee for their notes. At worst, the writer loses a few bucks. At best, the writer finds things they may need to clarify, things they may want to emphasize, and things they may want to pull back on.
   
   Lastly, there's an dynamic between students and coaches (or teachers, whatever) that is fundamentally different from any other relationship an artist has in his life.
   
   To illuminate what I mean, I point to another excerpt from the book mentioned above:
   
   
   >It would be a mistake to think that merely gathering a bunch of people in a room for a candid discussion every couple of months will automatically cure your creative ills. First, it takes a while for any group to develop the level of trust necessary to be truly candid, to express reservations and criticisms without fear of reprisal, and to learn the language of good notes.
   
   
   I think the best consultants, ideally, wouldn't feel restrained by the social contracts we form between ourselves and people we have personal relationships with. Friends and family members don't want to hurt feelings and strain relationships. Managers, on the other hand, can be influenced - even unintentionally - by monetary motivations (ie "if this writer doesn't develop this into sellable work, it may never sell and they may never have a career.")
   
   Theoretically, however, a consultant has no such obligations. Their personal stake in both the script and the writer is limited. Ideally, that alone could free them up to provide perspectives you may not get from people who have different relationships with the writer.
   
   All that said, Mazin said something quite pointed earlier.
   
   
   >"...paid services are unnecessary for an inherently good writer and insufficient for an inherently bad one."
   
   
   Unnecessary? Perhaps. But any source that can give me an unbiased perspective that helps elevate even a SINGLE moment in the film is worth it to me.

Yea, I just got home. I'm bored, mini rants incoming.

When I first heard of The Four Agreements, I was in detox back in 09 or something. And this tweaker chick kept going manic. She'd be happy/sad/angry/empty... just over and over. She was throwing chairs, and freaking out, but she kept telling me to read that book. So I had to, because she had excellent chair throwing skills. It was a great read, ... very very interesting take on spirituality but it is pretty applicable. It's a feel good philosophy warrior book thing.

The Power of Now. I had what AA would call a "spiritual awakening" and it really wasn't much like a burning bush, but A LOT like this guy talks about in this book. When I was about to kill myself with a teener of dope, I had this very very strange experience where I couldn't identify with myself anymore. .. "Who is this person that wants to die so badly?... Who am I?" It really changed things. The power of now was the most powerful thing I've read.

The New Earth is pretty interesting. I have to disagree with some points, because traditionally, you can't really get rid of the ego. The ego is necessary to survive. But it's interesting. It's worth a read, especially someone stuck in a facility with only their remorse and addiction to keep them company.

I personally LOVE Gabor Mate. This guy deals with the most tragic cases of addiction in Vancouver, and he's a neurologist and he has some pretty good insights on addiction. In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. It's partly where I came up with my flair.

Rational Recovery was another I would suggest. It's a lot like those Allen Carr Easy Way to Quit Smoking. But the basic idea is disassociation from the "Addictive Voice". That it's not ME that wants to get high, but my addiction. That shit rocked my world when I learned it, and I immediately integrated it into my first step in Narcotics Anonymous.
EDIT, Rational Recovery, and Jack Trimpey are VERY AGAINST 12 step ideology. He HATES IT, and he hates the God idea. I get that, but I cannot and will not deny the therapeautic value of one addict helping another. Nothing compares. Even Bill W. in AA wrote about it in his memoirs and grapevines and the Big Book. "When all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic saved the day."

Tao de Ching really helped me. Although it may be missattributed, the whole "Living in the Past is living in depression, living in the future is living in anger and fear, living in the now is living in peace."

So, as you can see, I really like the "now" concept, but it's helped me stay clean and be happy about it. Non-fiction would probably be great too. But these are very spiritual new agey ideas.

This reminds me, I need to read The Spirituality of Imperfection.

THE MOST IMPORTANT BOOKS THOUGH:

I highly recommend the NA Basic Text, and I love the Step Working Guide.

[Adyashanti - Way of Liberation] (http://www.adyashanti.org/library/The_Way_of_Liberation_Ebook.pdf)- Already mentioned, but worth a double mention

[John Wheeler - Awakening To The Natural State] (http://www.1ness.info/John%20Wheeler%20-%20Awakening%20to%20the%20Natural%20State.pdf) - Realized the truth while reading this book

[John Wheeler - You Were Never Born] (http://www.1ness.info/John%20Wheeler%20-%20you%20Were%20Never%20Born.pdf) - A later book of his, similar pointers, but more mature

[Eckhart Tolle - The Power of Now] (http://www.theschuberts.info/The%20Power%20of%20Now%20-%20A%20Guide%20to%20Spiritual%20Enlightment%20by%20Eckhart%20Tolle.pdf) - I didn't personally like it or finish it but /u/veragood mentioned and he's someone worth listening to. Then again, I read it at the beginning of my journey when I was still had a very critical/atheistic mindset and got turned off by the references to energy, etc. I just revisited a book by [Michael Singer called 'The Untethered Soul'] (http://www.amazon.ca/Untethered-Soul-Journey-Beyond-Yourself/dp/1572245379/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1454159880&sr=8-1&keywords=untethered+soul) a few days ago after not enjoying it about the same time as I read Eckhart Tolle's book back in the summer of 2014, and, well, I found 'The Untethered Soul' to be a beautiful introduction to awakening. I told a friend about it who's reading it now and we're going to discuss it over coffee next week. So I guess there's another one for your list. Actually, I'd either start with the Singer one or Adyashanti one first, but different books resonate differently with us, so keep looking until you find a style that speaks to you :)

[Nisargadatta Maharaj - I am That] (http://www.theschuberts.info/Nisargadatta%20Maharaj%20-%20ebook%20-%20I%20AM%20THAT%20-%20MUST%20READ%20-%20searchable%20PDF.pdf) - The most enjoyable book I've found on spirituality.

Of course, if you want to learn about it outside of books, we are happy here at /r/awakened to answer any specific questions you have.

All the best on your journey!

I would personally start with the William Irvine book:

A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy https://www.amazon.com/dp/0195374614/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_YduuDbEW3T11Z

I don’t necessarily agree with him on everything in the book, but it gives a good view of stoicism. It’s easier to read since its in modern English.

I would also recommend “The Daily Stoic.”

The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01HNJIJB2/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_IguuDbHAQG82S

It is a good book that you can get into if you only have brief periods of time to read. Ryan Holiday books are all pretty good. He mostly uses stoicism in his books, but also a little from other philosophies.

The reason I would start with these books is because the language is a little easier to understand, unless you are used to reading older English. Though “Meditations” does have pretty good translations.

i was over 400 lbs. i lost over 100 lbs. still loosing weight but its going great and i know i will reach my goal.

eat less do more.......when i first started exercising my hamstrings were cramping bad..... so i rode the bike for 5 minutes and just stuck with it till i got my time up to 30 minutes.

first diet step i cut out all the super unhealthy foods , no caloric restriction. i lost a lot of weight pretty quick.

okay go get a sleep study done and get a c-pap when you weigh a lot your sleep quality is shit, and your body responds by slowing down the metabolism. This step will help you loose weight all by itself.

the faq on lose it covers most of what people need to know about loosing weight people get confused because the fitness industry wants you to spend money.

mild caloric restriction 500 calories less than you need to sustain your weight a day. Exercise will help loose weight by burning calories and putting on muscle, muscle burns calories so the amount of calories you burn a day goes up even if your doing nothing, this is an advantage. My lean body mass is over 200 lbs. i burn a lot of calories doing nothing , despite being too fat my current bodyfat is 25% too high.

i always knew what to do i was athlete before letting myself explode, but eventually i joined a support group for eating disorders because i was a food binger. after loosing over 100 lbs. i got stuck yo-yo'd up and down 30 lbs. for a couple of years etc.

http://www.calculator.net/calorie-calculator.html

as for diet i could recomend a diet full of tree bark and awful tasting healthy shit, but if you hate what you eat how likely are you to stick with it ? you need to eat stuff you like and be honest with yourself about this. What you eat does matter for your health , how happy you are , and things like that so its a grey area people just have to learn to negotiate. ( i hate most fruits and vegetables, but since i don't like being fat, un motivated, depressed, and sick all the time , i eat them anyway i just chop them up in small pieces and eat them with a mouth full of meat.....the good tasting food )

myfitness pal and other apps will count your callories for you its not that hard yes you will likely need to measure your food, or develop habits of measurement like ......2 piles of meat the size of my hand per meal, 1 pile of meat the size of my hand of starchy carbs, 1 pile of vegetables the size of my hand per meal of vegetables.

either way its the same measure so you know what you are eating. last thing this is hard don't kid yourself , i would rather get punched in my balls then diet but i am not willing to be heavy. So support from loved ones is a big part of this, since we are talking about changing habits and that is a very hard things to do.

https://www.amazon.com/Power-Habit-What-Life-Business/dp/081298160X

this book could help , best of luck and learn to love yourself i stand naked in front of the mirror every damn day and tell myself out loud how great i look because my self esteem has everything to do with how i treat myself. i feel silly but guess what been doing this awhile i didn't turn into an arrogant asshole and i treat myself a lot better.

Honestly, just focusing on the breathe, and noticing when the mind wanders and re-focusing on the breathe is really it. As you continue to meditate, over time, years even, your perception of how to do that will change. You will notice how to catch your mind wandering quicker. You will also see what causes your mind to wander. You just start to get a better idea of how your mind works, and that can be pretty eye opening. Basically, it sounds simple, however, it is anything but, as your practice is always evolving. You also have to deal with the different "distractions" your mind and body throw at you.

I suppose the point of meditation could be to calm the mind. I don't know, I don't really think of it in those terms. That said, if you "try to calm the mind", I doubt you will be able to. Your mind is always working, wandering, planning ect. Meditation gives you a bit more awareness of this, and at times, though meditation, you will be able to calm it quite a bit. Don't think of it in black and white, IMO. It'll probably never be calmer, but you may fine when meditating, or after, that your mind is calmer. I wouldn't make that a goal though. There's a lot of benefits from meditating, and there's a lot of ways of thinking about it, so just try to keep an open mind about what could happen.

In terms of how is any of this going to help, well, there are a few different trains of thought. The most convincing is that doing this actually does change your brain chemistry. I don't know the specifics off hand, but you can google this and find answers pretty easily. The other trains of thought are more meta-physical or spiritual. I've definitely had some of those, but that's something you just have to experience yourself, as it'll be different for everyone.

If you really want to get into the nitty gritty of how to do it, check out this book: https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-English-Bhante-Henepola-Gunaratana/dp/0861719069/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3LQX224INT59Q&keywords=mindfulness+in+plain+english+bhante+gunaratana&qid=1555219056&s=books&sprefix=mindfulness+in%2Cstripbooks%2C141&sr=1-1

I have it, didn't finish it, but it had a lot of good info.

There is a very similar (although not identical) response to this as well.

It is easier to shift your attention onto something than away from something (see ironic process theory). So, instead of trying not to pay attention to the outside, focus your attention more on the inside: work on becoming a better person.

How? Visualization techniques are popular with some modern communities (they feature prominently in Stoic Week exercises, for example), but I prefer what I believe is an older, more traditional approach: writing. In order to write about something, you need to pay attention to it, at least a little.

I find it helpful to break the writing exercise into two pieces. One is aimed at self-knowledge: what personality traits do I genuinely consider virtues and vices? That is, what personality traits do I feel proud of or ashamed of in myself, or admire or despise in others? I start with this technique, but modify it with an additional step. Begin with the recognition that positive emotions are caused by the belief that something good or valuable was, is, or will be; and negative emotions are caused by the belief that something bad was, is, or will be. So for each emotion, try to identify what the value judgements behind the emotion were. Sometimes, these are already about internals, and so provide information about what you consider virtues and vices directly. Other times, when the apparent values are about externals, think about the personality traits you associate with people who prefer or disprefer these particular externals. Over time, you can develop a better self-understanding with regard to what you consider virtues and vices. Looking at virtues and vices listed by others, like the ones traditionally listed in Stoic texts or similar ones found in many other cultures or modern fields of study (such as those proposed by Seligman and his colleagues), but none of these should be followed blindly. (Note that I am increasingly skeptical of the questionnaire based approaches formulated by Seligman et al., because they primarily mimic back at you what you already know about yourself, and seem less effective at deepening your own self-understanding than self observation.)

Then, once you know what you want to develop in yourself, conventional habit breaking and formulating approaches can be applied, for example self-monitoring similar to that described by Benjamin Franklin or techniques described in Duhigg's The Power of Habbit.

edit: Then, when you find something external is interfering with your judgement, consider "what virtues and vices apply here? How?" If it's convenient, write out an analysis with whatever is at hand (you email editor, scrap paper, whatever). If it isn't convenient, just talk to yourself.

I'm reading a book at the moment called The Power of Habit that I'm finding really useful. What you're saying really matches up with the science anyway. Every habit we have, good and bad, breaks down into three parts:

Cue------routine---------Reward

In your example, for example:

• cue= "people are depending on me"
  
• Routine = the work you need to do
  
• Reward = paid/some value
  
  During the routine phase, our brains are barely ticking over. Although this is controlled by the Basal Ganglia, which is affected by ADHD. It's responsible for blocking out unnecessary motor functions and the like while engaged in a habit. Which is a part of the reason for the lack of persistence ADHD causes. (pen tapping, anyone?) The other element is the Prefrontal cortex, which kicks in when we need to stop a habit (It's responsible for a lot of other things too). Guess what other area ADHD impairs?
  
  But anyway, the key to any persistent habit is a craving. That can be something as simple as craving for endorphins from exercise, or the craving for approval for a job well done.
  
  Final element is self-control, or 'will power'. It's a finite resource that you can train, like a muscle.
  
  It can also run out, if you're having to exercise it too much. Big part of why things are more difficult towards the end of the day. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with dopamine, but I haven't looked into that yet.
  
  But the element I find fascinating has to do with your first point:
  
  > "People are dependent on me"
  
  This is a double-edged sword. Will power is far easier to exercise when we feel in control. So feeling that your good habits are helping people, that you're having a positive impact by exercising self-control, is great for that. But the one thing I'd caution is not to over do it. I think /u/teenmomog put it really well:
  
  > As soon as it was pointed out to me I would NOT do it.
  
  If you feel that you have to do something because it's expected of you, you're having to exercise far more self-control than if you have a choice. Autonomy is important. It's a fine balance really. As long as you feel you have a choice, things will be a lot easier.
  
  This is really just my opinion based on what I've read, but I feel this explains why the 'last-minute anxiety fuelled frenzy of work' those of us with ADHD often get is quite ineffective. By feeling you have no choice but to work, you're really taxing your self-control and putting yourself through unnecessary stress, for the same amount of work overall. It's far more effective to try and build good study habits than it is to rely on that in my opinion, but YMMV.

I've had issues relating to depression and anxiety for well over 15 years. I actually quit drinking 4 years ago in part because of how it would throw me for these emotional roller-coaster rides that drove me down even further. Things have gotten much better and I've sought help but its still a daily process for me, which is now much more manageable. For some reason a long time ago I developed a stigma against myself in that I believe I'm weak for not being able to handle and "control" these issues, but that couldn't be further from the truth. There is a large sense in relief in accepting it as part of who you are and as condition you can learn to live with. I would encourage you to seek professional help, and to keep an open mind. For me relief didn't come in the form of medication, but through other practices such as meditation, building a support group, seeking spiritual growth, and learning how to identify and communicate effectively when this is starting to take me for a ride. I have found the writings of Viktor Frankl to be my inspiration - though nothing ever changed for me by just reading a book... its the actions I have taken as a result that have really helped. I feel for you, and I wish you the best.

> The Game - Neil Straus

Not sure if you know this but Neil Straus did another AMA a few months back in wake of his new book. And you can search the internet for more recent interviews with him. The guy has changed a lot and even said he was kinda embarrassed about that part of his life (but in a good way because it showed he was growing)

Anyway, my current recommendation is One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way. It’s about taking small, consistent actions towards life changes you want to make.

I’m currently reading Brain Rules which explains current research findings on the brain and how we can use these findings for our benefit. It is a very easy read.

(In case it wasn’t obvious, I’m currently on a brain & neuroscience binge)

One book I always seem to go back to is Be Excellent at Anything. OK, the title may sound click-baity but the essential argument is that instead of managing time we need to be managing our energy. The book introduces a model of 4 categories of energy (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual) and pulls from scientific research to discuss ways to improve our energy in each category. Having more energy equates to better performance (i.e. “becoming excellent”).

Honourable mention: The Power of Habit. I only read the first one-third of the book because that’s the part that explains the science behind habit formation. The rest of the book is dedicated to showing how it happens in an organization and society. In fact, if all you want is that first third then go to the resources on the book’s official website and go through everything there (especially the flowchart PDFs).

I highly recommend reading (or listening with audible) to a couple books that I listened to when I was questioning my job and career choices earlier this year. They aren’t silver bullets, but they’ll definitely offer sound advice on how to actively work to improve your situation.

If you don’t have much free time to read, like me, try listening to the audiobook on your commute or at lunch. Just find a time and place that makes sense for you.

I hope those books help you as much as they did me.

• So Good They Can't Ignore You: Why Skills Trump Passion in the Quest for Work You Love
  
• The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business
  
• Smarter Faster Better: The Transformative Power of Real Productivity
  *Think and Grow Rich
  

Thanks for posting these, I will be adding them to my reading list. To add.....

The Four Agreements A bit new-agey, a bit preachy, a bit hippy, but entirely relevant to those who are trying to improve themselves and bring happiness back into your life. It frees you of the constraints of personal relationships. My counselor recommended that I skip the first chapter because of the 'preachy' stuff, I recommend that you read it all, it does paint a picture, and it was quite profound for me. So much so, that I actually condensed the Four Agreements into a small graphic and put it on the lockscreen of my phone. I find myself constantly stating them to myself. I am amazed at how easily they have become a set of guideposts for my life.

The 48 Laws of Power Not so much required reading, and again, for someone looking for ways to improve themselves. Focuses on power in interpersonal relationships and how to recognize when it's being used and how and how not to use it. Tons of interesting historical examples makes it a fun read. Not really a relationship book, but rather knowing how these dynamics work might make it easier to sidestep when your partner tries to be manipulative.

sigh It really disappoints me that a solution that might actually help you is becoming unattractive to you because of the way these therapists are shoving it down your throat.

As someone who has studied and attempted meditation (with various degrees of success) for much of my life, I can say that you're not wrong to be frustrated with both meditation as a solution, and your therapists for not being helpful. Eastern meditation is becoming something of a fad in psychological circles, which I actually support, but it's fairly useless to just tell people to do it without any other useful guidance... Meditation can help with a variety of mental problems, but it requires continuous practice to really benefit, and a teacher or guide who really has experience with it is also really important.

Your own insight is actually something I'd recommend you do:

> If those things worked for me I could do them with youtube videos and books and I wouldn't need a real life therapist.

Well, why not look into YouTube videos and books? And yes, as much as I harp on people getting professional help for mental health issues, like any doctor, therapists can vary in quality.

I might recommend this book to you, it's a very good meditation guide for beginners:

Mindfulness in Plain English

Just remember that feeling frustrated with meditation and feeling like it isn't doing you any good is a common experience, you're not alone. You need to understand why meditation helps, and how to do it properly and with what attitude - a therapist simply insisting that you do it is not good enough.

Would you be a good piano player if someone just told you play the piano repeatedly? No. The same is true of meditation. It's an art, a skill that needs proper technique and regular practice to be effective.

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with physical issues as well as these intense questions about what, if anything, we should believe about the supernatural. If you've been raised with these ideas and fears, it can be hard enough to grapple with them with a mind at rest, let alone when under stress and possibly in pain.

The way I like to picture this scenario is that I'm walking into a casino with a big handful of chips. Each chip is a day of my life, my attention. It's the only real currency I have.

I'm surrounded by tables with dealers. Each of them is yelling "come, play at my table! Sure win over here! Big penalty for not playing!"

It sounds like you've spent a lot of time at the Christian table, and you're starting to see that you're putting chips in and it hasn't paid off yet. And you're starting to think it never will.

The thing is, the casino is full of tables. Yeah, there's a risk from walking away from the one you're at, but there's a huge risk that you've been sitting at the wrong table all along. And, when you have the perspective of just how many tables there are, you might think being in the casino in the first place is a bad idea.

The other thing I think about is how you're playing the game. This Christian game is a tricky one. (Well, there's lots of Christian Games, in the one I used to play, they didn't even believe in hell.) In some versions of the game, if you ever played it, you'll win when you die. (Once Saved Always Saved!) In others, you've got to be a faith 1%-er to make the cut. (Many are called and few are chosen! Narrow is the way that leads to life eternal! When the Son of Man returns, shall he find any faithful?) Coming to the table out of a desire for self preservation might disqualify you, too. In some games the rule is you only get saved if you really love, and want to glorify God, more than yourself.

It's not just a matter of playing at all.

1. You've got to pick the right game, assuming any of them are true. (And that's a big-ass assumption.) And it's not just a choice amongst the biggies -- let alone Islam, Scientology, Jainism, Buddhism, etc -- there are 50,000 denominations of Christian, and most of them think the others aren't right with God.
   
2. You've got to play it the right way.
   
   Picture yourself being born in what's now called Iran, 500 years ago. What would you believe? What would you be afraid of? Probably not a Christian Hell. These fears you have are an accident of birth.
   
   As much as that rationality thing falls down in the face of fear, if you keep reading, thinking, learning, the fear will start to go. You might try and find some face-to-face people to meet with (meetup.com or other such sites.)
   
   Also, you might try finding another way of thinking about these issues that's positive, above and beyond just "not-god." I found A Guide To The Good Life, the Ancient Art of Stoic Joy tremendously helpful, and have since continued to find the modern reboot of stoicism (/r/stoicism has lots of good links and references) to help every day.
   
   I don't know if that will help at all, I hope it doesn't make it worse.

The Four-Hour Workweek seems to spark up a lot of controversy when mentioned, I was even skeptical when reading it, but it honestly changed my life. It inspired me to become an entrepreneur, it's packed with case studies that inspire you to escape 9 to 5, and has plenty of great resources for someone starting their first online business, or for anyone looking to improve their work efficiency and spend less time at the office.

I'm also currently reading:

• The Tipping Point
  
  
• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
  
  
• How to Win Friends and Influence People
  
  
  May seem overly mentioned or cliche, but they're cliche for a reason!

Oh I typed all this for you my dude but these dastardly bullies caused you to delete it.

​

Hope it benefits you or another ENTP stoner:

​

What caught my eye was the Myers-Briggs test: I also (usually) test ENTP. Just wanted to say I think the Reddit subs seem to do it a serious disservice:

​

A) It is a management tool. It is not meant to enable some rando's life as a lovable eccentric. You should be shoring up the weaknesses it shows, not jerking off to how creative you think you are (not that you can stop yourself amirite? Ha!), and

B) It is not a tarot card reading of your soul. I get profiled regularly, by professionals, using whatever method is in vogue at that moment and while I absolutely see the value in the tests, it is limited, it is contextual and it will vary over time.

​

It is not so much "revealing" your personality as a prediction of how your behavior will manifest in a given context. MB being particularly general. For example, all my ENTP result tells me is that RIGHT NOW, I likely have too many projects going on and/or am managing my time poorly.

​

So based on your results, I would recommend you get out of your comfort zone and focus on active productivity exercises. Far from being something unsuited to you: they are likely just what you need. Anytime I dial this in tight, my life has a night and day improvement.

​

7 Habits is the granddaddy of course.



Unchained Man has a great time management system. Actually he refers back to Covey's 7 habits and explains why and how he updated the principle for a digital era. The rest isn't "bad" but its pretty standard 4HWW/TRP/Digital nomad type stuff. You could literally read Chapters 8-11 and get a great deal of benefit.

​

4HWW fuck I hate this book. And it's probably dangerous for lazy fucks. But Ferriss has nuggets of good advice on productivity and time management.

​

More conceptual reading:

Do the Work;

The War of Art;

The Power of Habit;

Rework;

On Form - some tips, although heavily weighted to glorify salaryman life;

One Minute Manager;

Extreme Ownership has helped a lot of dudes here. Personally I despise wading through the military waffle for two or three pages of content but the message of owning every aspect of your life and not accepting low standards from yourself or others is good (Hint: that means after you quit weed, (after a reasonable interval) you can and should expect your lazy wife to too).

​

Corporations have invested a great deal of time and money in training me but honestly most of the valuable things I implement are on that list.

​

Atomic Habits is on my current reading list. Check out this post (and comments) with some concepts from it.

I don't have to much advice on the psychological note but I'm convinced you WILL start your own dream cafe! In regards of the mind games I'm sure you'll get the right advice on here!

For the small business start up It's all about just DOING! I was 24 years old when I started my first small business. I'm literally the most ordinary kid ever. Barely made it through high school.. no college back ground.. wasn't too popular or anything like that. Just.. normal in a sense. I believe you can do the same too! This is the book that changed everything for me.

4 Hour Work Week

Buy it! And if you don't have the money I'll buy it for you... only request is a get a free cup of coffee at the cafe. This booked rocked my nation. I was a floater... job to job.. no backbone.. just rag dolling life. I was never even the entrepreneur type... long story short, I read this book. It convinced me that the reason I'm feeling empty is because I let others control my outcomes. I'll never work for anyone else again. On to better things brother.. just like you! Keep your head up!

READ THAT BOOk... THEN READ ANOTHER AND ANOTHER. BOOKS ARE THE BEST INVESTMENT YOU CAN MAKE. Period dot... well that and real estate but that's another topic lol.

Good luck!

Siddhartha by Herman Hesse
http://www.amazon.com/Siddhartha-Hermann-Hesse/dp/081120068X/ref=sr_1_8?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1377155668&sr=1-8&keywords=Siddhartha

Fictional life story of Siddhartha, a contemporary of Guatama Buddha. This is a story of a man seeking spiritual truth through sensual and worldly experience, ultimately achieving similar spiritual heights to the Buddha, yet by a path that many of us might find much more familiar and relatable than a life of renunciation. Beautifully written, poetic, mystical and almost fairy-tale-like in tone. Some of Herman Hesse's finest work.


Be Here Now by Ram Dass
http://www.amazon.com/Be-Here-Now-Ram-Dass/dp/0517543052/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1377155603&sr=1-1&keywords=be+here+now

Autobiographical, blissed-out, art-infused, eloquent and insightful rant about a journey that begins with the Harvard psychology department's early LSD research and culminates in a journey through the Himalayas leading to deep transformation with the help of a wandering mystic and an epic guru. Ram Dass beautifully weds the best parts of hippy and psychedelic culture with the ancient truths of hinduism, vedanta and yoga. The annotated reading list at the back is a treasure trove of eastern awesomeness.


The Tao of Physics by Fritjof Capra
http://www.amazon.com/The-Tao-Physics-Exploration-Parallels/dp/1590308352

Honestly the best introduction/summary I've read of several schools of Eastern Thought. The book is intended to show parallels between ancient spiritual truths and scientific principles discovered in quantum physics. Buddhism, Taoism, Confucianism, Hinduism, Zen (and I think a couple more) get meaty, well written and well researched treatments by Capra, and curious minds benefit from having all this info in one spot. Capra gives in-depth focus to each tradition and highlights the similarities and differences of each path. Awesome graphics too. Highly recommend to any western mind wanting to encounter eastern thought.

Namaste!

edit: grammar

• Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Gunaratana. Probably the best beginner's introduction to what mindfulness is, why it is important, and how to practice.
  
  
• [10 Percent Happier] (https://www.amazon.com/10-Happier-Self-Help-Actually-Works/dp/0062265423) by Dan Harris. More of a memoir than a how-to guide (he also has a new how-to guide called Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics), but I personally loved this book for its honesty about what mindfulness can and cannot do for you. It's also hilarious and entertaining, so it's usually the number one place I recommend people start if they are at all interested in meditation.
  
  
• Waking Up by Sam Harris--Although not explicitly about mindfulness, some excellent, realistic background information on the practice and what to expect.
  
  
• Lots of other great books out there, but a lot of this comes down to personal preference: Jack Kornfield, Joseph Goldstein, Sharon Salzberg, Tara Brach, and Jon Kabat Zinn are all names to look into to see whose materials speak to you. Some of them put more emphasis on the Buddhist side, whereas the others are more science-based and interested in the mental health implications of the practice.
  

Thanks so much!

Where do hobbies and interests go? Below Education somewhere? Sample stuff I could add:

• I started sewing this year and have achieved my goal to knit and sew all my own clothes for 2015.
  
• I play guitar, drums, and piano, and I'm learning to play bass. A friend and I started a band called OCDC, because we're n00bs and play the same thing over and over a lot.
  
• I read insatiably. Most recently Code: The Hidden Language of Computer Hardware And Software and A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy, but also the backs of cereal packages and the "In case of fire" escape instructions on doors if there's nothing else.
  
• I'm from New Zealand and can, if necessary, butcher a sheep/pig/deer/rabbit, build a fence, milk a cow by hand (or milk several hundred, given a decent sized milking shed), TB test deer, fell trees, and use the word "munted" in a sentence.
  
• I've ridden horses all my life and still volunteer occasionally as an equine masseuse for some of the carriage horses in Central Park.
  
• I love automating stuff and am working on fully automating my home aquaponics set up: a combination of an aquarium and a grow bed which currently produces great quantities of grass for my cats to puke up.
  
  I had sort of planned to put all this stuff in my personal website - write ups of personal projects, a good reads feed, an "About me" section, and maybe a page of my sewing/knitting creations.
  
  I'll certainly look into adding some more personality into the resume design, it is currently the result of a google template, which is pretty blah.
  
  Again, Thanks so much for your feedback! It's been really helpful!

It's very difficult to get around it.

You have to stay very focused on a goal. For me, since ROM7, it's been to finish every match I play. Has that happened? No, but I understand the situations it has not and I'm very pleased with how things have been going.

It also helps if you read autobiographies or books on sports psychology (or psychology in general) to get ideas & techniques on how to better your mentality.

Here are some that have helped me immensely.

• Golf Is Not A Game Of Perfect
  
  
  • Currently reading this. It's obviously about golf, but it's about the mental game of golf. It's applicable to Smash, or basketball, or most competitive subjects. One of my favorite take-aways thus far is to look at an error such as an SD or a missed tech and think of it like "Well, there was a percentage chance that this would happen. Odds are it wont happen again. Just gotta trust my tech skill and stay sharp."
    
    
• Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength
  
  • This goes into exactly what the title states. It gives a history of research into willpower, or ego, and describes how people can behave different based off their current situation. Sleep deprivation, poor diet, getting a burst of motivation and deciding to change everything (think January 1st) can all be detrimental to your mental state. It also discusses methods of improving your willpower which can be related to habitual actions.
    
    
• The Power of Habit
  
  • This is a book that goes into habitual responses and how one can better understand them/change them. Useful information across all parts of life.
    
    
• Thinking, Fast and Slow
  
  • This is one I've revisited multiple times. It's quite a long read, but there's much to learn. Specifically it goes into two systems of thought. Your system 1 is your implicit (unconscious) system. It's what tells you the answer to 2+2 as you read it even though I didn't ask you to solve it. System 2 is the system that takes over when I tell you to give me the answer to 72 x 103. (Mathematical examples are great for conveying the ideas of these systems) It later goes into more economic psychology and decision making.
    
    
    PS. I'm not telling you where, but if you don't want to create a book collection PDFs of each of these may or may not be online.

I second what Scribblenerd said. FWIW, I came from a similar background and struggled for many years looking for something to help. BPD seemed to fit, but wasn't helpful in pointing a direction forward. The things that helped the most were reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and developing a different narrative that reframes things in a way that works better than the default "because I suck" story we get fed by default. Feel free to adopt or ignore bits that resonate or not:

-------------------

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter involved in lots of processes, including reward, motivation, hunger, social interactions, dominance/submission, etc. Things like life situations and interpersonal interactions affect dopamine levels, and dopamine levels have a big effect on how we feel and perceive things.

When dopamine is low or something happens that decreases it -- what we call a "dopasuck" -- it's really unpleasant. It leads to feelings of unimportance, powerlessness, discomfort, etc. The limbic system, the old social mammal part of the brain, will often respond by trying to snatch for dopamine from somewhere. Unfortunately, many such strategies, while effective at boosting dopamine in the short term, are ultimately destructive. Examples include:

• Seeking a chemical boost: caffeine, junk food, smoking, alcohol, and most other drugs of abuse, increase dopamine in the short term
  
  
• Complaining about/gossiping the event: increases dopamine if the audience is sympathetic/supportive
  
  
• Dopamine theft: Belittling, dominating, fault finding, lecturing, threatening violence, etc., when successfully executed, gives the perpetrator a momentary dopamine spike and the target gets dopasucked
  
  
• Anger/devaluation: characterizing someone who tried to dopasuck you as worthless/stupid/etc. seems to blunt the impact, but ultimately erodes social connectedness
  
  The limbic system tends to tie things together that have historically happened together and led to a particular short-term outcome. Pavlov's dog is a classic example. If you have a history of successfully using the "dopamine theft" strategy to get short term dopamine increase and/or defend yourself, that's what the limbic system will grab for when you feel threatened, low dopamine, or in danger of dopasuck.
  
  The good news is that it's possible to retrain these responses. The limbic system is doing its best to try to take care of you, but its reactions are based on patterns of past experience not rational thoughts. There is a more sustainable path which builds dopamine for both parties by strengthening connections, interacting more compassionately, and releasing attachment to the reflex to dominate. You can choose whether your thoughts amplify or dampen that initial limbic reaction, and work towards a different outcome by training future responses.
  
  I think of it like rehabilitating an abused puppy that you've adopted. You can't expect to convince the puppy to react differently through arguing with it or yelling at it, but by consistently demonstrating that the puppy is now safe and loved it will react more calmly over time.
  
  For example, imagine a situation where you have lashed out then later regretted it. It's likely that this will stir up uncomforable feelings (the limbic reactions don't necessarily discriminate between imagination and reality). That's ok, just try to accept that and move on. Maybe take a couple breaths. Consider and imagine other responses which could build connections and maintain mutual respect.
  
  Each time you manage to regain composure, stay engaged through such an encounter, and achieve a better outcome the old negative limbic reaction patterns will weaken and transform into something more positive. Don't beat yourself up about whatever the result is, just try again next time. Be sure to pat yourself on the back when it does work out in a positive way.
  
  ---------------
  
  Anyway, that's the reframing that's worked for me. I hope that helps. I'm rooting for you. :)

I don't know about books specifically for managers but: Talent Is Overrated, Open - Andre Agassi and The Numbers Game are all some of the best sports-y books I've ever read. I don't really give a shit about tennis but the Agassi book was fascinating. I'd recommend reading any biography of players who were at any point at the absolute top of their game so Agassi, Tiger Woods, Serena Williams has one I think? One of the things that Talent Is Overrated goes into is just how much work is required to be really good and then how much more work is required to be even better than that. Best of luck with it all!

There is no easy fix to this. I am almost 30 and struggle with it frequently. Personally for me what helped the most was being in school getting my bachelor's in child and family studies. The degree doesn't do alot if youre looking to make money when youre done but it was heavily focused on self growth and development. Some of the books we read included "parenting from the inside out" "7 habits of highly effective people" (Cliche' I know), and "A man's search for meaning". While these books were useful tools, it helped that the professors I had encouraged people to discuss their lives, struggles, Journal (but constructively, not just your struggles but when you overcome them, and set goals for yourself, document your downfalls and triumphs and review when youre down) and to stay off of social media. Unplug completely. this is something I still do when I feel overwhelmed with being a single parent. Also I know it is hard but if you can have your little one help with all the mundane stuff (like housework) it can help make it a sharing moment rather than I need to get this done moment. (I personally struggle with that from time to time, I don't know if you do). I am sorry youre struggling, please keep your head up. you will raise a strong woman and when she is older you are allowed to have fun with her while all those friends will be raising babies.

​

https://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Inside-Out-Self-Understanding-Anniversary-ebook/dp/B00HZ1E5BM/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2Q560RPRBOPQZ&keywords=parenting+from+the+inside+out+book&qid=1556573094&s=gateway&sprefix=parenting+from+the%2Caps%2C142&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X/ref=sr_1_2?crid=17U8X5LTV3VED&keywords=victor+frankl+man%27s+search+for+meaning&qid=1556573116&s=gateway&sprefix=victor+fra%2Caps%2C143&sr=8-2

https://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People-Powerful-ebook/dp/B01069X4H0/ref=sr_1_3?crid=3JN0J6CGL5KOP&keywords=7+habits+of+highly+effective+people&qid=1556573140&s=gateway&sprefix=7+ha%2Caps%2C146&sr=8-3

1

As you meditate more, you may come to realise that it's the identification of yourself with an emotion which causes a significant amount of suffering (not the emotion itself). For example, I suffered from quite bad anxiety when around large numbers of people (lectures, meetings, etc). Pre-mindfulness, I would become anxious which leads to a freight train of thoughts such as: "what if this gets worse?", "what if I have a full-blown panic attack in front of all these people?", "I can't cope with this". Notice how all these thoughts have an I in them; it's all self-referential and believing that this emotion is you. I found depression is similar but the thoughts are more like: "why do I feel like this?", "I'm more depressed than everyone else", "I'm not normal; I'm going to be like this forever".

The aim of mindfulness is to accept our emotions, but probably more importantly is to also change how we relate to our emotions and this is the aspect which takes time, patience and persistance. So please, please, please, keep on meditating!

> I almost don't want to accept my sad emotions

I understand this and is extremely difficult. To completely give in to your emotions is almost an art. Try it as a sort of "experiment" if sadness comes up in meditation; try to completely let the sadness in. See how it feels in your body, if it creates any tension, where it sits, if there's a change in breathing, if there's a change in temperature etc.

2

This probably will happen to a certain extent, but I would argue that this brings a freedom that the majority of the population is unaware from.

The next time you're on a train/bus or at a party, have a look at the people around you. A lot of people going to work are grasping for that next step up the career ladder or that pay rise, hoping it will be them happiness when they are at the top or can afford those new, more expensive shoes they've always wanted. People are driven by thought processes which ultimately won't make them happy. Again with people at a party; how many people look at ease? You have people desperately trying to fit in, which is fueled by feelings of anxiety and fear of failure. You have people desperately trying to be "cool", to fulfill this story/narrative that they are cool and popular. If not, their identity crumbles and they are miserable.

Mindfulness helps us step out of our own narrative and truly live. Instead of focusing on money, status, intellectualism, athleticism, etc, you can simply be here now. This will generally make you more compassionate as well.

I would argue that the less we identify with the self, the more freedom we have. I had a similar crisis of identity when I started meditating. I was a keen athlete and was always striving for better and faster. After meditating for a while though, I realised that this was primarily driven by anxiety and feel of failure. All of a sudden I had zero motivation to train and compete! What was the point? To me it didn't matter anymore. This was problematic as exercise really helped my mental health. The solution I found was to carry on training/exercising, but this time the aim was to simply enjoy the process. Be present in my training sessions. Explore how my body reacts during training and racing. Fully give in to the process of competing, while trying not to identify which the outcome/results too much (I'm still not great at this last bit, as I still place a lot of my self-worth in how I perform. I'm slowly getting better though).

What I'm trying to say is that you can carry on doing the hobbies/activities you enjoy, but approach them with a different outlook.

3

I've experiences space distortion (e.g. the floor underneath me falling away which was very weird and intense) but never hallucination so I can't really help you there. However, if you want to systematically and carefully explore meditation further step-by-step, then I cannot recommend enough The Mind Illuminated by Dr John Yates (which is completely free of religion and jargon which is refreshing). In my opinion, Eckharte Tolle's book is a waste of space and there are better books on being mindful:

• Wherever You Go, There You Are
  
• Mindfulness In Plain English
  
  
• Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World
  
  The first two books are more about the essence of mindfulness and the third is more of a step-by-step guide to mindfulness written by a brilliant researcher here in Oxford. Russ Harris' books on ACT are fantastic :)
  
  Edit: One last thing I wanted to say about the negative effects of mindfulness is that my motivation to work towards my PhD also took a hit when I started meditating. Again, a lot of my motivation for my PhD was anxiety and fear or failure, and once I identified with these emotions less and less, the less I worried about working hard. This again is slow progress but I'm trying to switch emphasis in my work from achieve, achieve, achieve, to enjoying and savouring the process. It's difficult though with periods of high-pressure and deadlines!
  

Lucky, I can't really go into public when I trip because my light eyes and dilated pupils are a dead give away.

I wouldn't say that you do drugs too often. You shouldn't change who you are to please other people. Maybe try changing their minds before changing who you are. Psychedelics are a wonderful and everyone who is able should experience them at some point in their lives.

Yes our existence is absurd, but find happiness in the fact that we do exist. Here's a little video that might give you yet another perspective.

If anything, if you found value in your psychedelic experience, shouldn't you try to share that with others rather than trying to hide it?

You have some really good ideas brewing here, I'd be interested what you would come up with if you went a little deeper. I think you're on the brink of feeling the cosmic oneness, it's a great feeling :P

If you haven't gotten it already, this is my recommended reading. It's practically the psychedelic bible.


Happy tripping :)

Like people have said here, a journal will most certainly make you aware of you eating habits.

What most people do that makes them fail miserably in their diets is fight their body, fight the habits. Going cold turkey on food is probably harder than going cold turkey on cigarettes just because availability is 100% granted, ergo people stitched their lips in the 90s...

Don't fight it, sway yourself into consuming less calories. Don't cut off, replace.

In my opinion losing weight is a process of self acknowledgement and patience, more than endurance and motivation.

Identify what is the highest calorie foods you eat. Is it dinner? lunch or breakfast? snacks maybe? Now what specific food from those do you think might be specially detrimental to your weight.

For the part above you might have to educate yourself a little about caloric relativity. What foods are more calorie dense, and which foods are more water based. Tip, vegetables are low calories and high water, candy is zero water 100% calories.

Find a bridge between calories - > water - > balance.

You can't go from eating to eating less. Good luck with that... The amount of self discipline to battle our instincts will take most of your mental energy and eventually beat you in the long run. Instead spend time educating yourself and turning cognitive goals into habits. You know you want to lose weight it just so happens to not be a habit you can practice.

So start building a habit. For this I don't want to get into it but I want to recommend you a book which you can find in audio books and helped me know myself.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Habit-What-Business/dp/1400069289

Not loosely reviewed as you can see.


This book will help you believe. Actually believe you can change your habits and have control over your life.

Back to weight loss. Anyway, try things like getting food of other stuff that is less calorie dense prior you start actually exercising stronger restraint. So instead of eating a full meal like you usually would.

an example of a smoothie : 1 scoop of protein powder, handful of spinach, ice, half a cup of milk, water, teaspoon of xantham gum, and sweeten it with splenda if you like. Why? that will yield over 1/4 gallon or 1 litter of just ~300 calories. It has ice creamy texture, its sweet and stimulating and will get you full so you have a much easier time eating less of other more caloric stuff you may normally eat.

Just keep in mind. Go step by step, make a log of what you eat and can you eat instead, and like I said before. Patience. Just do it, don't question it, wait and let results surprise you, don't weight yourself every day twice that is not patience that is anxiety. Know you are doing things right and diligently and you will be rewarded. Do it long enough and it will become inherent in you.

This is as briefly I can tackle one of today's most complicated issues. Good luck.

There is another thing though, that I would like to add quickly. If there is some kind of food that may be detrimental to your goals you will have to make a choice or a plan about it. Let's say beer. Beer is not the best to lose weight. So if I want to drink a lot of beer and lose a lot of weight I am in a tough spot because only one can happen at a time. When it comes to things like this ask yourself:

Is there a replacement? no?

can it be moderated? no?

can it happen less frequently no?

If none apply. Are your goals to lose weight something you want in your life more than (beer for example).
Which one will you give up so you can be happy with the other. Note that if you choose to let the weight loss go, at least you will have beer without guilt. Just an example. Coming into terms with yourself is an important tool when making this kind of changes.

I'm currently in Monk Mode myself. I'm probably only going for at most a 3mo. term at this (Started Dec. 1st). It sounds like you have a good plan. I'm focusing on the following things:

• Meditating: the best way to re-program your brain IMO ("Wherever you go there you are")
  
• Teaching myself Jazz piano
  
• Diet (Here's my diet)
  
• Fitness (Here's my fitness bible)
  
• Career Development (This)
  
• Productivity & Time Management (too many books to mention, OP PM me if you want this list)
  
• Not watching Porn & Masturbating less frequently (Highly recommended /r/NoFap)
  
• No Alcohol
  
  For learning to cook I highly recommend this book.
  
  For addressing approach anxiety I recommend The Rules of the Game.
  
  This is an excellent book on habit change. (OP this is how you start to break down those "masturbatory" habits)
  
  Also, Monk Mode is basically an exercise in stoicism. This book is awesome.
  
  
  Since you'll have plenty of time to read here are some other Books I recommend:
  "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
  "Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty"
  "The Talent Code"
  "Man's Search for Meaning"
  "Flow"
  
  Final thoughts OP. 6 months is definitely a worthy goal however studies show that 90 days is usually what it takes to create new habits and routines. You have to be consistent though. Just food for thought.
  
  
  (Edit: I suck at formatting)
  
  
  
  
  

Hey rattlesnake30,

I know exactly how you feel. I still get upset about reflect on my college experience on a regular basis. "Why didn't anyone tell me about what was really important in life!?" "How come everyone tells you to study what you love, and that you can do anything, and you'll be building the future, when in reality there is a 90% chance you'll be working in a cubicle?"

I allow myself these little pity parties so I can dismiss them quickly and get back to my current goals: FI, Music, my marriage, and my fitness (Anyone seen Don Jon?, something like that). Honestly, reading about stoicism helped A LOT. I was pleased to see MMM encounter Stoicism eventually too, although I don't think he's the best intro to it. I liked William B. Irvine's Guide to the Good Life (which you'll find at the library and NOT buy from Amazon if you really want FI :) )

I went to undergrad for Physics and then and M.S. in biotechnology. My 2.5 year program started with promises of "85% of graduates find work with an intro salary of $85k/yr or higher". When I finished, I was un-employed for 6 months and then a fellow Physics major got me a job at a software company doing implementations at ~$40k/yr. $40k still felt great compared to grad school stipends but after a few months I realized that I had all the toys I could want, I could afford vacations, I had a nice apartment, I didn't need more money, what I needed was more time to enjoy those things and to get the hell out of a cubicle. Discovering FI was the thing that finally motivated me to try to get better at my cube job. 3 years later I've doubled my salary and am ~40% of the way to FI.

Like I said, I still get pissed off about college. Enterprise level software implementation is a far cry from biotechnology, but I'd rather be getting paid than pumping pipettes for a temp contract (must have PhD to run a lab).

Know this:

1. You learned a tremendous amount getting a biomedical science degree! Those words on a resume might be standard if you're applying to a biomedical engineer job, but to many other jobs they are very impressive. I barely escaped with my degree in both undergrad and grad school (C's get degrees) and I still reap the benefits of putting those words on my resume even (or especially) outside my field of study.
   
   
   
2. No matter how deep your debt is, if you make FI your goal, you'll make progress in no time.
   
   
3. You don't need to know what your passion is now. I'm in my 30's and I still haven't found a job that I really care about. I'm still looking, and I'm still open to finding it, but it just hasn't happened yet. Once I'm FI, I'll be able to work or volunteer with organizations or on my own, on projects that I KNOW will energize me and I can't wait.
   
   Stick around. It gets better!

I've been reading this book Mindset by Carol Dweck, and there was a chapter that referenced women in STEM programs.

Essentially, her theory is that there are two types of people. Those who look at the world as though they can learn from their experience and get better at things through hard work (growth mindset), and there are those who think that the world is fixed. You either have it or you don't (fixed mindset).

Dweck says that people with fixed mindsets in programs where they are minorities will struggle more to persevere when the going gets tough. In other words, throughout their lives, these women have had to battle with stereotypes that say they are just not as good as men in these fields. When they struggle, instead of pushing through, they are more susceptible to letting the stereotype conquer them.

Here's the passage:

> Aside from hijacking people’s abilities, stereotypes also do damage by making people
feel they don’t belong. Many minorities drop out of college and many women drop out of math
and science because they just don’t feel they fit in.

> To find out how this happens, we followed college women through their calculus course.
This is often when students decide whether math, or careers involving math, are right for them.
Over the semester, we asked the women to report their feelings about math and their sense of
belonging in math. For example, when they thought about math, did they feel like a full-fledged
member of the math community or did they feel like an outsider; did they feel comfortable or did
they feel anxious; did they feel good or bad about their math skills?

>The women with the growth mindset—those who thought math ability could be
improved—felt a fairly strong and stable sense of belonging. And they were able to maintain this
even when they thought there was a lot of negative stereotyping going around. One student
described it this way: “In a math class, [female] students were told they were wrong when they
were not (they were in fact doing things in novel ways). It was absurd, and reflected poorly on
the instructor not to ‘see’ the students’ good reasoning. It was alright because we were working
in groups and we were able to give & receive support among us students. . . . We discussed our
interesting ideas among ourselves.”

> The stereotyping was disturbing to them (as it should be), but they could still feel
comfortable with themselves and confident about themselves in a math setting. They could fight
back.

> But women with the fixed mindset, as the semester wore on, felt a shrinking sense of
belonging. And the more they felt the presence of stereotyping in their class, the more their
comfort with math withered. One student said that her sense of belonging fell because “I was
disrespected by the professor with his comment, ‘that was a good guess,’ whenever I made a
correct answer in class.”

> The stereotype of low ability was able to invade them—to define them—and take away
their comfort and confidence. I’m not saying it’s their fault by any means. Prejudice is a deeply
ingrained societal problem, and I do not want to blame the victims of it. I am simply saying that
a growth mindset helps people to see prejudice for what it is—someone else’s view of them—and
to confront it with their confidence and abilities intact.

Just like Dweck says, it's presumptuous to say that this is the reason that students are leaving your program. Perhaps they felt they did fit into the program fine and left because they found something else they were more passionate about. But if you really think this is a gender issue, I recommend this book and maybe even a workshop for some of your faculty. (Addressing this her way would be good for all of your students- not just the women)

Sorry for the wall of text!

TL;DR: Being a minority might mean that they feel like they don't belong in this specialty, and you may have to groom your staff to respond to this threat in a way that would be beneficial to all students and not just women.

My perception as a fellow 28 year old is that you might be a bit too hard on yourself for calling your life a mess when you can't stick to a diet/gym schedule. I do plenty of things my 13 year old self would be jealous of (weekly Halo with friends, ComicCon outings, visiting the heart of geeky Japan, and even occasionally eating a whole pizza solo), and I don't see any shame in that.

Also, be wary that even if you succeed in all those things, they won't necessarily make you feel like you're much less of a mess. They'll help, but I found that once I got myself on track a bit, I started to feel small and purposeless if my only goals were around me and my physical state.

That said, (and I only started this a year or two ago), I would recommend a two-fold approach for achieving what you said.

First, Tim Ferris' Four Hour Body for diet and exercise. It's relentlessly focused on the absolute minimum things you can do and still get results. The gym time is minimal, and the diet is mentally simple enough that I've stuck with it for a few years. If you've tried other things and lost motivation, simplicity is a great tool for making sure you don't fall too far off the wagon.

Second, I recommend some in-depth reading about habit formation. I've read a lot, but I think The Power of Habit is a decent overview along with this podcast episode. Basically habits are the hack you can perform to level up your routine with minimal effort. It can be tricky, but this is the method I've used to make sure I floss regularly, keep my apartment clean after meals, and do the minimal cook prep I need to do each week.

So... chill out and take a deep breath. There's plenty of time to improve, and I agree with the others that the best approach is to try one thing at a time.

I'm an artist and I struggled with food for many years of my life. I used the food as a distraction from my problems and the fat that I put on as a protective shield of sorts. I also had anxiety about leaving the house for a few years. I've had a fear of failure in regards to my art almost my entire life. Just this year I got over that(and sold my first painting shortly after!).

There was so much that I did to get out of my funk. The first step was realizing that I was in an unhealthy relationship with food. Then I realized that I had an unhealthy relationship with my body. I began to read books and articles about nutrition, healthy body image, relationships, states of mind, psychology, sociology. I youtubed and googled a lot. TED talks are good too. You can get books shipped to your house.

After a while I decided to cut out all people in my life that hurt me or were continuing to hurt me(whether they knew it or not). I realized that I deserved better than what they were giving me and how they were treating me. I decided I was through with toxic relationships. It was hard at first and I felt guilty but I realized that me and my happiness should be my number one priority, not the happiness of others. What really opened my eyes was, once I cut those people out of my life without even telling them I was going to, I never heard from them again. It just showed me how much I let people use me.

As for my family, most were cut off(I was tired of the screaming, the manipulating, the drama) and I limited my interactions with the ones I kept in contact with. I decided I needed to be with myself for a while and worry about me.

I went through my belongings and got rid of anything tied to anyone that had caused trauma in my life. I donated clothing. I burned pictures, letters, papers, cards, etc. Then, I just went through my things and donated stuff I didn't use anymore. I felt a HUGE weight lifted after I did this.

Shortly after, I began journaling in a text editor on my computer. I still dealt with crap at work, so I had lots of stuff to say. Plus, taking care of myself was a new thing and I had lots of thoughts about that. I just wrote out whatever my feelings were and then deleted them immediately after writing. I didn't want to keep it around.

A few years down the road I was jobless. I also began to fear leaving the house. I had lots of time on my hands and began a spiritual journey and soon realized that my body and interactions were outwardly mirroring issues I had inside myself. My husband suggested trying Deepak & Oprah's 21 day meditation challenges. They are free while the challenge is current and a new one pops up every few months. Just sign up for free. You don't have to buy a single thing. You just need to give a real email address so you can keep up with your journals if you choose to do them.

During the first year that we did those meditations I found a book called Conversations with God. It was very interesting and soon after I found an Eckhart Tolle book. Which lead me to another book. He has some amazing things to say about life, thoughts, all kinds of things. Some other books I came across were by Deepak. He's a medical doctor but also speaks about meditation, food, spirituality, etc. His most famous book is this one. You might find this one on addiction helpful. I saw Iyanla Vanzant speak once and found that she had some books that would be of use to me. They might help you too.

To get myself out of the house, I started with one day at a time. I would do one errand every two weeks outside of the house. I would have to force myself to get up, get dressed and get out but I would do it. I would bring someone along with me most of the time. Then, after a few months, I changed it to going out once a week and alternated whether or not someone would go with me. Next was a few times a week. Which is where I'm at currently and I'm completely happy with this and can leave the house whenever I want if I have a car without any worries.

As far as exercise goes. You can do seated exercises and desk workouts.

It might help to give yourself a time line or a calendar for getting things done. I find monthly calendars with my days broken down into activity times work for me. I use different colored pens or markers for different things. Going out of the house is black, taking care of my animals is blue, doing projects is green, working on something with someone else is pink, reading books is silver, meditation is light blue, doctors appointments are purple.

Remember that the change is probably going to be gradual but you CAN do it. Be gentle with yourself, especially when things don't go the way you want or are harder than expected. The work you put in will be worth it when you begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel my friend. Imagine what it will be like when you are out in the light! Good luck.

I’m so, so glad for you. I know what it’s like to shrink the world down to a tiny, bleak, manageable place and it is so awful to be there and not know how to get out. Or even if there is an out.

Honestly, the main reason I browse this sub is because I see a lot of people in a lot of pain, without the internal or external resources to get help. Sure, there are the psycho shitheads, but most are just in a pit and only have anger and self-loathing for company.

It sounds like you have a lot of negative thoughts around women that you can’t shake yet. One really great resource for that is CBT, which you can do on your own. There’s a book called The Feeling Good Handbook which helped me out a ton. You have my full permission to roll your eyes at the incredibly dorky cover image and his goofy stories, but the exercises and the vocabulary were incredibly helpful. The only thing I don’t love about it is he’s somewhat discouraging about meds.

The other one I’ve had recommended to me by several professionals which I haven’t read yet but mean to is The Upward Spiral

The other other online resource I can recommend is this dating advice site geared towards guys. There’s a lot of good advice on building confidence and how to make conversation, and the author thinks women are people.

Also, just watch some women-made stuff: movies, TV, blogs, etc. It’s easy to think of us as an exotic species but we’re just people. Stuff like that can help humanize and make it easier to empathize with us.

Speaking of meds, I didn’t get a good sense of whether you struggle with anxiety or depression. If you do, you can go to a regular ol doctor and talk with them about it. They can prescribe basic stuff that will work for most folks. Meds won’t change you or fix your problems or forcibly make you happy. They will make that spike of fear less and lift a lot of the crushing weight of anxiety/depression.

If your doctor doesn’t take you seriously, find a better fucking doctor.

Therapy is great but it can take a while to find somebody that clicks that you can also afford. I highly recommend it if you can, and also be persistent and don’t settle. There’s a lot of terrible therapists out there and a lot of amazing ones.

Humans are not given the wish of lasting happiness without also being given the power to make it true. You will have to work for it, however.

You also didn't put yourself into this situation without giving yourself everything you need to transcend it. You need to recognize the same Truth in all scriptures, instead of focusing on the different symbols and ways of pronouncing God's name. I was able to make such progress because I learned at a very early stage of my transformation the power of repetition and constant practice. "The well-practiced mind does not wander after anything else." Start with the books that You have already written for yourself. They are all love songs from Divinity to its friend, Man, and if you can discern the same esoteric truths in them then you will be well on your way.

For starters:

(The most ancient and most beautiful of all spiritual texts)
http://www.amazon.com/Bhagavad-Gita-Walkthrough-Westerners/dp/1608680142/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1375114419&sr=1-1&keywords=bhagavad+gita+walkthrough

(The most obscure yet thought-provoking of spiritual texts)
http://www.amazon.com/Tao-Te-Ching-Lao-Tzu/dp/1613822421/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1375114436&sr=1-4&keywords=tao+te+ching

(One of the newest yet most poignant and relevant spiritual texts)
http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Now-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808

(One of the most truly humble, and therefore powerful, works of spirituality. Read this and understand that the idea of Christ is the same as the Atma in the Bhagavad Gita.)
http://www.amazon.com/Imitation-Christ-Thomas-Kempis/dp/1420926357/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1375114470&sr=1-3&keywords=the+imitation+of+christ

Remember that you can't change yourself, so don't get frustrated or try to force things. All you can do is cultivate your mind, cultivate your habits, and make space in your cluttered mind for Divinity to enter. It may take time, but have faith! You are living in an age that is finally starting to see man turn from fleeting worldly pleasures to lasting inner wisdom and peace. Your spiritual efforts will quite literally make the universe elevated and sublime.

If you need ideas for topics or want to develop an intuitive understanding of the importance of micro-niches, then read The Long Tail.

To learn about the model of stacking multiple passive income generators (such as each ebook), each of which in itself doesn't earn that much, but in aggregate is life-changing, read 4HWW... just ignore Ferris' mildly slimy self-promotion if it bugs you... the book has some very important ideas that were life-changing for my wife and me.

For the nuts and bolts of ebook publishing (your actual question), just pick a couple books from Amazon on the topic. The field is always evolving so you'll want something current, which is why I can't recommend any in particular. All the info is out there if you feel like Googling it, but a book or two might save you some time and missteps.

The main thing is to figure out if you're a one-book author or a multiple-book publishing company. The former means you research, write, and then probably outsource production (and you probably won't quite your day job but you might get a decent return on investment). The latter might mean you learn production yourself to save money and then make meaningful money by cranking out multiple titles (my wife has a dozen or so). It's not rocket science but there is a learning curve, pretty easy for anyone comfortable learning new apps, HTML, etc.

Also, the key to success is picking a topic related to things people are seeking solutions for but that there aren't many books addressing. SEO/PPC keyword research skills are very helpful here, just for research, also all learnable via Google.

For meditation, I would read Mindfulness in Plain English and try a guided meditation like the one Sam Harris has on his site (his podcast is also great if you've never checked it out) and maybe think about something like headspace (there are also free online guided meditation services but I am not aware of any to recommend).

===

Also definitely stay away from porn, it will do nothing except to damage you. Can't emphasize how crucial this is if you want to see the true benefits of nofap and regain/maintain a natural perspective on sex and women. Something that may help is to tell yourself "okay, I will watch porn, but only after I do x", where x is a cold shower or workout or something else productive (I think change of environment is essential to it being as effective as possible). Once you have finished, you probably will not want to watch porn. I would also look at your diet (it really helps): try to minimize processed foods and high fat items, and replace them with fresh fruit and veggies. Frozen wild blueberries are great for your health and I make a smoothie with them every day.

Some things stuck out to me in your post. They were:

> Mom used to tell me as a kid that I was best at everything I do and I'm a genius.

and

> I've always thought of myself as good at everything. In fact even though I don't like saying it (anymore), I like to think I'm better than most people in most things. I have no idea if that's even true anymore, hence me doubting myself. I had a measured IQ of 154 when I was younger and everything came easy. When I actually had to start working for it, everything went downhill and fast since I was used to things being free for me.

I highly suggest reading the following two books:
Drive by Daniel Pink and Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol S. Dweck.

They get right at the root of what you're dealing with, I think. The first book will allow you to place the blame on the people and organizations that raised you and that you reside in. The second book will challenge you to realize that you hold a fair share of the responsibility to make the changes within yourself in order to improve your life.

I can relate to your post in a lot of ways. I was in a similar place only a few years ago. I ended up graduating college but with a terrible GPA. I'm really smart. I have now realized that I could have sucked it up and put the effort in and it would have been completely worth it. I'm still working on myself but I'm optimistic about where I'm headed. I know it's cliche, but you must learn from your mistakes.

Don't mistake challenges as an attack to your intellectual integrity. They are quite the opposite of that-- they are opportunity and nothing else.

Also-- read up on things like nutrition and vitamins and exercise and blah blah healthy stuff.. seriously. Take vitamin D, fish oil, and vitamins. Avoid junk food-- it isn't hard at all just do it. Maybe you should look into polyphasic sleep schedules too. Remember, you are a biological creature who will respond appropriately to the stimuli that you receive. Good input = good output. That includes thoughts and actions as well. Good luck.

Right, I don't do the whole nomenclature thing, but labels are sometimes useful for describing exactly what "system" someone is using. Living in the now, so to speak, and not identifying with the mind are definitely great skills to cultivate. If you don't already utilize some form of cognitive behavioral therapy, like REBT, you should look into that because the two complement each other very well.

I'm waiting on:

Mindfulness in Plain English

Focused and Fearless: A Meditator's Guide to States of Deep Joy, Calm, and Clarity

Mindfulness, Bliss, and Beyond: A Meditator's Handbook

They were from the /r/meditation book recommendation thread, and I've been trying to develop mindfulness skills more.

Oh my goodness you are not at all a burden! In fact, as soon as I woke up this morning I checked to see if you replied because I was very concerned about you. Please ask me anything. I have been through the process so therefore I could really give you some great tips! If you want to get better, you will have to lose the idea that you are a burden or else you could miss out on valuable advice and support. As far as your parents, bf, and friends go....I suggest being as straightforward as possible and openly communicating to them about what is going on with you. Sit them down and tell them that you would like their support and that this is who you are. It is a good thing to accept and acknowledge that you have a mental illness. Tell them that you are the same person and that you could be an even better version of yourself if you got the proper help that you needed. Tell them it is easy to sweep things under the rug, but that won't help you. Having a mental illness does not make you weak, it makes you human. You could have been born without a leg, born with downs syndrome, born with autism. You were born with your own set of struggles. It really takes courage to accept this and it is the first step to getting the proper help. Explain to them that the process of finding a therapist can be tricky.. And I recommend reaching out to people or resources that could help guide you through this process. Of course, these are all only suggestions. You tell your friends and family whatever you feel is necessary, but I have found that these points of view have helped me tremendously. My stepfather has severe depression and anxiety so he was able to be a wonderful guide to me as I hit many walls throughout my healing process.
Also side note--- Be careful what you read online or who you talk to. A lot of people who write about BPD are VERY judgmental and not at all compassionate. People who have not had this disorder are quick to judge and put down those who do. When you are suffering as badly as we are, you make some unhealthy choices..and people are always quick to gossip and judge. Only you truly know why you do the things that you do and that is all that matters. Just keep working hard to get better, and you do not need to explain yourself to the critics. They will only prevent you from getting better and hold you down. I once had a friend say to me "I don't believe depression is real, it is just people being lazy. You're not trying hard enough. You're probably never going to get better." Well, let's just say we aren't friends anymore... but they were also wrong of course... People who haven't gone through what we have will never understand what it truly feels like. But that is also what makes this disorder special. Because of having BPD, I have become so empathetic and compassionate towards others. I don't gossip anymore about other people because I understand that every person has their own unique struggle. I can certainly disagree with a person's decisions, but I don't have to judge them. I don't know why people do the things that they do and unless I am going to directly as them why, then I have got not business dwelling on it. We know how it feels to truly suffer, and oddly, that is a gift.

Lastly- This book really helped me and changed my life... I would recommend it to anyone:
https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1474640976&sr=8-1&keywords=the+four+agreements

Yeah, we're slaves. We live in a society that encourages self-enslavement via debt. It's a shitty life, spending all day inside and creating nothing of real value to anyone.

I have 10 more years or so. I look at them as an investment into myself. 10 years of slavery for 100 years of freedom. How old are you? Snake People are likely to live for a pretty long time (ignoring the possibility of global warming-related catastrophes and assuming you take good care of yourself).

> How did we get this way?

We are owned. Bought, sold, and bet like cattle. We are fed "food" filled and coated with chemicals and hormones that change our brain chemistry. We drink water that has dangerous chemicals in it. The air is poisoned, too. We're distracted and divided with fake news about nonsense. We got here by allowing other people to make decisions for us. Financial Independence is a way of taking control of our own lives. Keeping the goal in mind is very important to staying the course.

I don't know if this is more helpful or harmful to you, but it's the truth. Knowing the truth has a price. It changes you. You will find yourself more and more separate from those who are willing slaves.

My advice: find people you love, hug them a lot, and do a lot of wandering and talking. Work out a lot. Be a strong person. Read lots of great books. I recommend

A Guide to the Good Life

Island, by Aldous Huxley

DMT: The Spirit Molecule

That’s sad but I get it. Can I play therapist for a second? ^Disclaimer: ^not ^a ^therapist

Let me put it this way: do you want to paint? Then go paint. Is painting itself not the issue but you still want to have some skill to be proud of? Then go find something you want to do and do it.

I struggled with this for almost my entire life. I didn’t want to try new things. One day it clicked: I was only seeking validation of my intellect. My whole life I was told that I had the brains to do anything I wanted, and I held on to that very tightly. In my mind, my innate potential was held up as my only source of self worth, and trying any new thing that I absolutely knew I couldn’t do beforehand represented an unacceptable risk to my ego. What if I tried—tried as hard as I possibly could—and failed?

Well I was put in a situation at work where I had no choice but to try and fail, and do you know what? Nobody expected me to succeed. Nobody was keeping score on my successes and failures in my life. All they asked of me was to do my best.

And so I did try, and it was hard, and I fucked up a lot. Ultimately I succeeded, but it was not a smooth ride. And along the way, I would check in with myself, and I found that I was still here, still breathing. And I felt myself grow. It was exciting.

After that, I picked up some new hobbies—because they were interesting to me and I had always wanted to try them—and I totally sucked at them. But I kept at them, and had soul crushing failures, but also intense euphoric rushes of success, and ultimately gained the confidence to do what I really wanted to do with my life. I had a choice now. My motivations were truly my own.

Check out “Mindset” by Carol Dweck (Mindset: The New Psychology of Success https://www.amazon.com/dp/0345472322/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_bSNVAbNDXTJPM). She explicitly describes the exact thing that it took me years of soul searching to find out. I was in the “fixed” mindset, in her words, and I somehow managed to get into a “growth” mindset. I allowed myself to try and fail and try and fail and ultimately succeed. And even if I didn’t succeed—I was the only one paying attention, so who cares?

Lots of words, and maybe I am making too many assumptions, but I am very passionate about this topic because I wish someone sat me down and told it to me decades ago. I hope this helps you and anyone else reading this.

I think that's a rather simplistic understanding of it all, OP. You have the gist of it right, though.

Essentially, women have what you might call a dual sexual strategy. They need resources and protection to help them survive and raise their children they have to adulthood, and they want their children to have "good genes." Unfortunately finding a man capable of providing both is not always possible, so you get things like Simon Cowell cuckolding Andrew Silverman by impregnating his wife. for example. This is largely why you see fat ugly rich men with hot wives, because they can't get a moneyed man who looks like a male model, so many of them settle for a moneyed man and screw good looking guys on the side. Men who have money but not looks should really, really, really make sure any children a woman claims are his has are actually their own with DNA paternity tests.

I think also a lot of today's sexual marketplace phenomenon such as the male virgin trope (as seen with /r/foreveralone posters--almost exclusively male) is explained by this. This is a day and age where women don't necessarily need men. So a large percentage of men who are simply not higher end physically attractive but yet not wealthy either are left essentially involuntarily celibate because women can either support themselves or get money to subsist off the welfare state without needing to trade sex with these men for resources.

Here's a relevant quote from a book you might want to read on this subject called The Red Queen.

> There has been no genetic change since we were hunter-gatherers, but deep in the mind of modern man is a simple hunter-gatherer rule: strive to acquire power and use it to lure women who will bear heirs; strive to acquire wealth and use it to buy affairs with other men’s wives who will bear bastards . . . Wealth and power are means to women; women are means to genetic eternity.

> Likewise, deep in the mind of modern woman is the same hunter-gatherer calculator, too recently evolved to have changed much: strive to acquire a provider husband who will invest food and care in your children; strive to find a lover who can give those children first-class genes. Only if she is very lucky will they both be the same man . . . Men are to be exploited as providers of parental care, wealth and genes.

There is a lot of help out there for Freelancers starting out, but I am going to recommend a few unconventional books - that although not directly related to client work or marketing - have helped me with the overall journey (although your mileage may vary)

• So Good they Can't Ignore You "Passion comes after you put in the hard work to become excellent at something valuable, not before. In other words, what you do for a living is much less important than how you do it."
  
• A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy - This one was great for me learning to focus on only the things you can change... very helpful for stress (which can be a large part of freelancing!). Stoicism in generally has some good, practical parts, such as visualising "the worst that can happen" to prepare yourself - again, when you are your own boss, not everything will go perfect. I don't follow this as a life philosophy - but generally found it a helpful book.

I have had my own struggles with a large variety of addictive behaviors.

I have also spent a very long time learning about how to help people w addictive behaviors.

My guess is, as I see this a lot with a broad variety of people, that you have never given meditation/mindfulness a real shot. The fact that you conflate them with asmr and warm milk isn't helping your case.

for meditation to work, it requires deliberate, consistent practice over extended periods of time. daily practice.

The addicted brain makes us believe that we need our vices/other drugs and that nothing else will do. This, I believe, is mostly a trick our reward-obsessed neural circuitry is playing on us.

This book by Jud Brewer completely blew my mind about all of this. This book about habits is also awesome and super relevant.

I'm not pretending like meditation and deliberate habit change are easy or magic, but with time they are enormously helpful for virtually everyone, in my experience/opinion, and that of many people with a lot more experience than I have.

And you were asking for something that provides a nice, euphoric calm without ataxia. I can't think of a better answer than meditation. The coolest thing about meditation is that it works better the more you do it.. which is quite the opposite of most psychotropic chemicals.

You can keep meandering down the poison path, friend, but I doubt you'll find what you're looking for there. Might want to trust those of us who've walked further down that path already and found it quite lacking.

good luck out there

No worries. Glad to be of help. Obviously YMMV and everyone has different styles. But I think there are at least a few good fundamental basics that everyone can benefit from and active thinking is the best one. As is rapid feedback. Seek it out - ask your superiors how you did. If you struggle with some aspect of it ask how they would suggest doing it better. Obviously there are exceptions, but almost universally that sort of thing is respected and held in high esteem. It shows you care and actually want to learn instead of just get by.

And if you don't know about it I would highly suggest reading a book called Talent is Overrated by Geoff Colvin. It is a short read and really worth it, IMO. It goes hand in hand with the idea of deliberate practice. Basically you can get better at something if you do it many times thoughtlessly, but you'll plateau at some point. By deliberately practicing (which is defined in Colvin's book) you can get better faster and reach a higher level.

Can confirm, CBT therapy is amazing.

If you want to try the "self help" method look into the "Feeling Good Handbook" [ https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326 ] it helped me tremendously. If you are serious, DO the exercises by hand, don't do them in your head.

I'd you choose to see a therapist (which I highly recommend) please don't be frustrated if you don't have a connection/it doesn't work. Just like any relationship it can take time to find the right one for you.

Most will do a free consultation where you will talk a bit about themselves and they will offer some advice/ideas on how they would treat you and you take it from there.

The success of your therapy will boil down to how comfortable you are around the therapist, and how trusting you are that they know what they are doing and what they say is TRUE.

If you don't believe your therapist, or what they say doesn't resonate with you, then it won't be effective and if anything, it will increase your anxiety because you will assume you are untreatable.

Hope this helps!

Hey boss. I pretty much went though the same exact thing you did a couple years ago. Dated a girl for 3 years while in college, thought I was going to marry her, ect. She broke it off for various reasons, and I literally thought I was going to die. I had no real social circle, much less any good friends. She was my entire emotional support network for so long and I had no idea what to do when she left. To make matters worse, she began sleeping with other (random) people almost immediately. Talk about soul crushing. It was a dark time in my life.

But you know what? It forced me to grow. I now have a great job, an awesome circle of friends and another great girlfriend who I live with. Here are some things I realized on my journey post-breakup.

• Nobody is responsible for your own happiness except for YOU. That girl owes you nothing. No explanation, no sympathy, nada. And she totally has the right to see/sleep with other people. The sooner you realize that only you can control your own happiness and actions the better off you'll be.
  
  
• Don't fall into the "Sunk cost fallacy" trap. (Look it up) Basically how this applies to relationships is thinking that you've wasted a quarter of your life on this girl, and letting it affect future decisions. DON'T THINK THAT. You were with her for a reason. You learned things from her, and will probably be a better person for it. That relationship is a sunk-cost at this point, don't let it affect your future.
  
  
• You're going to feel alone, confused, and hurt for while. And that's ok! You just had a major loss in your life. Let yourself feel emotional for a while. But make an effort to get out and experience new things. Meet new girls, hang with buddies, ect.
  
  
• She's probably hurting as much as you are. Don't believe for a second this guy she's with is Superman. She's only known him for a week! That's not nearly enough time to make a judgement about someone. She's still in her honeymoon phase with this dude, she had a four year relationship with you! And she might have just been saying he's so amazing to hurt you. Don't compare yourself to a guy you don't even know, you'll drive yourself nuts.
  
  Basically all I can say it, you're gonna be alright eventually. You're doing the right thing by breaking off contact with her. Maybe eventually you guys can be friends, but focus on YOU for now. Hit the gym, and hit on some girls. In terms of getting back into the dating scene, the book Models by Mark Manson is amazing. Its not a scummy PUA (pick-up artist) book, but really teaches you how to find self worth in dating women. For your anxiety/depression, learning to meditate really helped me. This book is good for learning how.
  
  Feel free to message me privately if you need any more help or clarification. I can also give some other book recommendations. Good luck!

I hope you haven't heard this a million times already, but if you have, you should listen because it's good advice: meditation.

There's a really great book called Mindfulness in Plain English which is essentially a very thorough breakdown of what meditation can achieve for you, which is being mindful of your feelings and observing them without acting on them.

There are tons of great resources out there for meditation, but I'm not knowledgeable enough in the area to really link you to anything. But meditation for many people is a great stress reliever and has helped me personally become a calmer, more self-observant person.

Good luck with it!

A therapist is going to be able to help you with this way more than anyone here (especially since apparently half the people here are suicidal). They're specifically trained for this kind of thing and can give you techniques, behaviors, medications etc. that are tailored just for your situation.

That said it sounds like your problem is concentrating on negative things. There are a lot of options to help with that. Mindfulness helps a lot and can be worked on with meditation. Keeping your life in general good order is another important step (exercise, sleep, nutrition, being social, keeping an active mind). After that I think the important thing is to identify what you really care about (your values) and stay busy working towards them. It's hard to be so negative when you're in the moment and things are going well in your life.

There are tons of books that can help too. Here's a fairly simple one that I enjoyed. Otherwise I'd recommend books on ACT therapy (e.g. "The Happiness Trap"), Stoicism (this one is good), Meditation ("Mindfulness in Plain English" is good and free), and CBT therapy (I like this one, though it's kinda long). "The Happiness Hypothesis" is another good overview type book.

This is definitely an awesome idea to start what I would call your spiritual awakening. Intuition is a common catalyst or internal trigger if you will for this experience. In short, when our conscious being feels that our physical being (human body) is out of sync with the universe in one way or the other, it uses the feeling of intuition or that core (GUT FEELING) of 100% certainty on something to shift your thoughts and ultimately your actions in attempt to re-align with the web of energy connecting all of us.

http://www.amazon.com/Be-Here-Now-Ram-Dass/dp/0517543052
this is the link to a popular book on this topic. all though it has Buddhist views because of who wrote it, it is a very good source of most of those ideas you just can't quite put into words. It address your train of though in an unorthodox manner and helps see some of the patterns that lye in our chaotic and every growing minds. I hope this was helpful and if you have any more questions please feel free to ask. I wish you the greatest of energy and great expansion of the mind.

Have been in the exact same boat and I feel like it took me a lot longer to work through it than most. Also went from being very focused to not being able to focus on anything at all, worried about my job performance, unable to get out of bed on weekends, etc. Prior to my learning that Mormonism was false, I had never experienced a day of depression in my life, but after my world came crashing down it became a long, dark tunnel. Anyway, it's called an existential crisis if you haven't read up on it already. Give it time and keep working on things and I promise it will eventually improve. For what it's worth, these four books were game changers for me (check them out if you're interested:

• A Confession by Tolstoy. In it, Tolstoy describes how he navigated his own existential crisis. It's a short read and the link takes you to a free downloadable e-book.
  
  
• The Power of Now by Tolle. It provides an excellent approach for developing mindfulness and learning to accept life as it is.
  
  
• Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning by Frankl. This is a heavy read, so if you don't like the first half, just focus on chapters 6, 7, and 8. It covers the intersection of religion and meaning in life.
  
  
• A New Earth by Tolle. Similar to the above "Power of Now." Focuses on being present, overcoming the ego, and accepting and finding peace in life as it's given.
  
  You may not agree with everything in the books above (I didn't) but they provided me with a lot of invaluable perspective in working through my own loss of faith and the existential vacuum that followed. Stick with it and know that you're not suffering alone! And I promise things will get better.

It just came out as a message to Patreon supporters yesterday.

> Hi everyone A couple of things. First, I'd like to welcome my 5000th Patreon, as of today. Second, I want to tell you about what I am doing and my present plans. Here's what I am working on (you can watch the YouTube video instead at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojYmFNbUhek. But here's the text version. You might be particularly interested in announcement 2.1., my next salvo in the battle for the universities. 1. Launch of new YouTube channel: Jordan B Peterson Clips: http://bit.ly/2uRM689 This will feature 5-15 minute videos, original and edited from previous lectures, released at the rate of 2-3 per week. 2. Design and pending release of 2.1. a consumer information website aimed at helping students discriminate between courses pushing the post-modern/neo-Marxist cult of indoctrination and those offering a classic education, furthering their ability to communicate and introducing them to the great works of science, technology and civilization. 2.2. The Online Big Five Aspect Scale, which will enable its users to obtain a psychometrically-valid portrait of their personality along the well-established dimensions and aspects of Extraversion (Enthusiasm and Assertiveness), Neuroticism (Withdrawal and Volatility), Agreeableness (Compassion and Politeness), Conscientiousness (Industriousness and Orderliness and, finally, Openness to Experience (Aesthetic Openness and Intellect/Interest in Ideas). In the next stage, we will produce a version of this that will allow pairs of people (parent/child, husband/wife, employer/employee, brother/sister or, simply, friendship pairs) to generate individual reports AND a joint report indicating where conflicts in the relationship are likely to take place and what might be done to bridge the conceptual and perceptual gap. Future plans include adding an IQ test, as well as integrating suggestions for career success (based on the analysis of personality and general cognitive ability). If you go to www.understandmyself.com, you can enter your email address, so that we can notify you when the test launches, and provide you with a 20% discount. 2.3. The high school version of the SelfAuthoring Suite (www.selfauthoring.com), a set of writing programs that allows its users to write about and understand their past experiences, current faults and virtues, and future plans. The adult version is four separate programs, one of which – the Future Authoring Program – helps its users create a positive vision and negative counter-vision of the future 3-5 years down the road. The high school version will integrate elements of all four adult programs, and ask its users to attend to their personal development 3-6 months in the future; and, finally, 3. Completion of my new book, 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, published by Penguin/Random House Canada (estimated release date January 9, 2018). Pre-release orders can already be made at Amazon. Amazon.com: http://amzn.to/2vgMJKI Amazon.ca: http://amzn.to/2vgLEme Amazon.co.uk: http://amzn.to/2wfvfvy Thanks VERY much for your continued support. It has been invaluable while I was defending my words and actions last fall, and over the last months while I planned the Biblical Lecture Series (which has been viewed 1.7 million times) and continued to write, speak and work on the new programs, describe above. There's more to come. Dr. Jordan B Peterson

I'm going to try to be honest with you, and I hope it doesn't come off as offensive, because my intention is to give you some ideas for a path forward.

You seem smart enough to recognize that a lot of the things society does are superficial, and this is true. Society is full of behavior and activity that doesn't mean anything, or that serves to obscure people's true motivations or thoughts. Many people are concerned with their immediate physical comfort or social status, which leads to a lot of shallow interactions.

Partly this is just for efficiency's sake, if everyone sat around discussing their deepest inner desires and the profound nature of reality, nothing would ever get done. We need to be friendly to strangers because we don't have time to form a meaningful relationship with everyone around us. It's a simple, social fiction that makes life easier in large population centers.

I don't know how old you are, but I get the impression that you're fairly young. At the stage in your life where you're starting to recognize the silly-seeming things that humans do, but not experienced enough to understand that most of it is necessary "theater" for being a functioning part of human civilization.

I think you would probably benefit from reading some good philosophy books. You aren't the first person to grapple with these ideas, a lot of very smart people over the last three thousand or so years have spent a lot of time thinking about the same things. You might find a connection with Stoicism, and a fairly popular book called A Guide to the Good Life is a pretty solid introduction.

Aim to have several revenue streams rather than just one.

Learn day trading and play the markets where and how you can, understanding that yeah it involves computers but it doesn't have to be the only thing you do, you don't have to do it full-time, and it's definitely not in danger of being a dying industry. If you can make it online gambling, you have the patience and self-restraint to net gains day trading.

Otherwise, invest some of your nest egg in a portfolio that pays dividends. Again, won't be enough on its own, but as one stream among many, helpful.

Hound government/health insurance/the state/etc. for long-term disability income, that's another potential one.

Youth sports referee, paid focus groups, mystery shopping, and other ideas/jumping-off-points available in this thread.

Also worth reading The Four Hour Work Week, again as a jumping off point, but there's lots of great ideas in there about stuff like steps to take to make yourself look/seem/be an "expert" at something that qualifies you to sell your services as a consultant, contribute paid online content based on your expertise, etc.

Ever considered going back to school for accounting, or aiming for investment banking?

Best of luck.

/u/tuckermalc and /u/pizzzahero both have great comments. I'll add a bit. Go to /r/stoicism, read [William Irvine's book] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0195374614?keywords=william%20irvine&qid=1456992251&ref_=sr_1_1&sr=8-1), then read [Epictetus's Enchiridion] (http://www.amazon.com/Enchiridion-Dover-Thrift-Editions-Epictetus/dp/0486433595/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1456992275&sr=8-1&keywords=enchiridion). follow their guidelines. Also check out /r/theXeffect. The most important thing is controlling your habits. If you're in the habit of eating healthy, getting enough sleep, going to the gym, etc. then you're set.

Now for stuff that's harder to do. Go see a therapist. Or a psychiatrist. Try to find a [therapist who can do EMDR] (http://www.emdr.com/find-a-clinician/) with you, it's a very effective technique (I saw a clinician who uses EMDR for two years, and it changed my life-- and, importantly, it's supported by strong scientific evidence, it's not quackery stuff like homeopathy or acupuncture). If you decide to go to a psychiatrist, tell them you don't want SSRIs. Look at other drugs: Wellbutrin, tricyclics, SNRIs, etc (check out selegiline in patch form, called EMSAM, as well). Seriously, go see a professional and talk to them. I have no doubt that you're wrestling with mental illness. I have been there. For me, it just felt normal. I didn't understand that other people didn't feel like I did...so it took me a long time to go get help. But it's so important to just start working through these things and getting support. That's really the most important thing you can do. It will make your life so much better. If you aren't able to get to a therapist, do Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) on yourself! [This is a brilliant program] (https://moodgym.anu.edu.au) that's widely respected. Do it over and over. Also read [Feeling Good by David Burns] (http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1456992639&sr=8-1&keywords=feeling+good+david+burns). It's a book on CBT, and can help you get started. There are lots of other resources out there, but you have to begin by realizing that something is wrong.

Finally, I'll talk about college. Don't try to go to fricking Harvard or MIT. You won't get in, and those aren't even the right schools for you. There are many excellent schools out there that aren't the super super famous Ivies. Look at reputable state schools, like UMich, UMinnesota, the UC system, etc. get ["Colleges that Change Lives"] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0143122304?keywords=colleges%20that%20change%20lives&qid=1456992746&ref_=sr_1_1&sr=8-1), the [Fiske Guide to Colleges] (http://www.amazon.com/Fiske-Guide-Colleges-2016-Edward/dp/1402260660/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1456992768&sr=8-1&keywords=fiske+guide), and [Debt-Free U] (http://www.amazon.com/Debt-Free-Outstanding-Education-Scholarships-Mooching/dp/1591842980/ref=pd_sim_14_15?ie=UTF8&dpID=515MwKBIpzL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR104%2C160_&refRID=1VC3C23RJP6ZMXGG5QBA). One thing I realized after college was that I would've been happy at any of the school I looked at. People are fed such a line of BS about school, like you have to go to the top Ivies or something. No way. Find a good place at which you can function, learn as much as possible, and have a good social life. Like another person said, also look at going to a community college for a year and then transferring-- my relative did this and ended up at Harvard for grad school in the end.

> I don't have many places around that could teach me mindfulness meditation formally, but what would you recommend to anyone who is now willing to take on the practice in a more critical fashion?

Often there are teachers that are hard to find. If there are yoga or similar practices held nearby, you might go to these and ask some of the people there, they may know someone who teaches a modern mindfulness variant, or a traditional Buddhist practice like Vipassana.

If you truly can't find a teacher, then you need to simply practice, watch videos, read books and take online courses.

If you are willing to endure a little bit of "woo" talk, I recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-Anniversary-Edition/dp/0861719069

As other than a little woo talk, the book makes the overall techniques very clear.

If you want something absolutely secular, then there are other books I can recommend. I myself am a secular practitioner, but I read a variety of texts, including the traditional Buddhist religious texts as these are the sources of the core practice in scientifically backed methodologies now used such as MBSR, MBCT, etc.

> I admit that my daily sits have gotten longer but they don't take place in a daily and consistent fashion.

This is probably the most difficult aspect of starting and sticking with any new skill to develop it to a useful point. Many friends who have tried meditation are unable to develop the habit, or do it so infrequently that their meditations become "rote" and non-critical. That is, they sit consumed with feelings of trying to do something and end up frustrated in the end.

Trying to learn anything on a highly infrequent basis is really difficult. Imagine trying to learn to play guitar by playing for ten minutes every few days?

Most people that learn to play guitar (or any skill) well practice a little every day, and at least every week they spend a significant chunk of time 1 or more hours in long sessions of practice on top of their daily practice.

It helps to remind yourself that with your meditation you are attempting to unlearn other bad mental habits that you are reinforcing for possibly 8-16 hours of the day, so at some point, ten minutes here and there just doesn't cut it.

I wrote a long post on establishing a daily meditation habit in /r/meditation

http://www.reddit.com/r/Meditation/comments/2w302c/establishing_a_meditation_habit_my_experience_and/

If you want links to courses, texts, books, videos, etc just ask me.

Here is a very short video from a Tibetan teacher that I feel explains mindfulness meditation in simple terms without over-complicating it. There are a lot of misconceptions I see thrown around in pop media that create bad expectations for meditation.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLjelIPg3ys

The most important part is that you practice every day, more and more, and then begin practicing even outside of dedicated sitting time. That is, while you are eating, driving, doing dishes, walking, working, etc.

I started off at 6'3" 440, obese my whole life, compulsive over eater, fast food and sugar consumption through the roof.

I've thought about and tried to talk about on my blog the thing(s) that helped me replicate my success (I lost 200 pounds in a year plus 9 days). There are obvious lifestyle changes that you probably already know you should do: cut sugar, eliminate some calories, possibly light exercise at some point, etc..

But if I can tell you what in my opinion really matters, it's this:

You need to believe that you deserve to be healthy and being healthy will feel amazing. You deserve to feel amazing.

Once you know that, find a way to get the reward you used to get from food somewhere else and when you find that action, do it when you feel the urge to overeat. This is why exercise can be a great choice if it gives you that feeling or takes away the boredom you are fighting with food. I recently read a great book on this called The Power of Habit, which I recommend.

For me, the cue was be bored/sad, the response was to get food, and the reward was to feel happy. Instead, I changed the response: get sad/bored, go workout or read or pursue some other hobby, then I would feel happiness and fulfillment. For you, the cue and reward may be different, but I think you get the general picture.

I would be glad to help. If you want to be friends on MyFitnessPal, troll my blog, or you just need somebody to bounce ideas or frustrations off, feel free to PM me any time and I'd be glad to send you my online info,

http://www.amazon.com/The-Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal/dp/1878424319

In the best selling book The Four Agreements Don Miguel Ruiz gives four principles to practice in order to create love and happiness in your life. Adopting and committing to these agreements is simple. Actually living and keeping these Four Agreements can be one of the hardest things you will ever do. It can also be one of the most life changing things you will ever do.

The Four Agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word
   
   Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
   
   
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
   
   Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
   
   
3. Don’t Make Assumptions
   
   Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
   
   
4. Always Do Your Best
   
   Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

If you haven't already, I highly recommend reading Carol Dweck's Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. She and her research lab have found that the attitude you describe - fear of judgment, aversion to risk, need to look smart at all costs, etc. - stems from a mindset that believes one's intelligence is "fixed," that some people are just able to succeed while others are not. She traces the consequences and, more importantly, alternatives to that mindset as well as ways it can be changed.

The upshot odds to reframe your inner conversation away from fixed-intelligence ideas like identity ("this is just who I am"), failure ("failing reflects poorly on me as a person") and judgment ("I need to look good at all costs"), and replace them with narratives that focus on personal development like growth ("this is what I did and how it will help me better myself"), learning ("failing provide me the necessary opportunity to learn"), and progress ("I need to improve at all costs").

I'm in education, and the work of Dweck and her collaborators on this has been very influential in reforming how many of us think about teaching, especially teaching students who don't believe they are capable of learning. It's an inspirational and accessible read, definitely worth your time.

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder a few years ago. Buddhism helps with my anxiety in many ways:

• meditation: learning how to meditate is not easy for many people. I meditated on and off for a few years before I starting doing it as a consistent habit every day. All I can say here is that once you learn how to meditate (either via books, online guided meditations or visiting a meditation center/sangha), the science is very, very convincing about the plethora of health benefits meditation will bring you. In particular, I find basic breath meditation and visualization meditations once a day helps me handle my stress and anxiety better, it just gives me an overall increased sense of well being
  
  
• combat negative thoughts with positive thoughts: whenever you catch yourself having negative, anxious thoughts, simply recognize them, then combat them with positive thoughts. This simple exercise, if done habitually, will literally rewire your brain to start thinking more positively. Many psychologists and counselors will teach you this exercise
  
  
• It gives my life meaning. People get anxiety for different reasons, mine was usually existential: worrying that everything is pointless and meaningless, etc. Studying and practicing Buddhism has given great meaning to my life. The Buddha was interested in the happiness of all people, and he taught people from a wide variety of walks of life, and showed them how to imbue meaning into their lives, no matter where they were at spiritually. There's such a rich variety of teachings attributable to the Buddha: teachings to husbands, wives, children, employeers, employees, politicians, monks, etc. It's exciting. My goal is to one day become a Buddha: someone who has discovered the path to obtaining an unshakable liberation of heart and mind, and who shares this path with others. Definitely not an easy goal, but an interesting, meaningful one nontheless :)
  
  
• EDIT: here are some resources: I recommend Mindfulness in Plain English for learning how to meditate and practice mindfulness; and Taking the Leap for learning how to deal with negative emotions. Then I recommend What the Buddha Taught for the best introduction to Buddhism I've found yet. This book even includes an entire chapter about how what the Buddha taught relates to the world today. The author includes several suttas that specifically teach how the dharma applies to the ordinary lay life. Highly recommend.

Haha I think I’m way too novice to tell you how to meditate. Basically, it’s sitting in a quiet room and focusing on your breath for three to 20 minutes or longer, but it can be different than that — you can focus on ideas or visualizations, you can meditate while walking or commuting, and there are other techniques that will help you as you progress training the mind. At first, sitting in a quiet room and focusing on breathing is kinda hard because your mind will think a million different thoughts that will distract you from focusing on breathing and quieting the mind. A good meditation guide will teach you how to get better at it.

I picked the HeadSpace app because it’s the first meditation app that popped up in the iTunes Store at the time. I wanted to try meditation because I was seeking an inner peace, and I was getting a Matrixy/Westworld/Buddhist Dharma feeling that the world wasn’t quite as real as I previously thought. I stayed with the app because I like the guide’s voice; it’s really soothing. He’s also the cofounder of the app and a former Buddhist monk.

You could also try reading Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now . It’s a classic new age self help book, and in it Eckhart touches on meditation. The book started coming up in conversations for me after I started meditating, and I listened to it on audiobook and really liked it.

I love the crap out of books. One of life's greatest joys is learning and books are such an excellent way to do it.

Business books you should read:

• Zero To One by Peter Thiel - Short, awesome ideas and well written.
  
  
• My Startup Life by Ben Casnocha. Ben's a super sharp guy. Learn from him. He started a company in his teens. He was most recently the personal 'body man' for Reid Hoffman (founder of LinkedIn)
  
  
• The Lean Startup by Eric Reis - Fail fast and fail early. Build something, test, get feedback, and refine.
  
  Non Business Books (That Are Essential To Business
  
  
• Money Master The Game by Tony Robbins - I am a personal finance Nerd Extraordinaire and I thought Tony Robbins was a joke. Boy was I wrong. Hands down the best personal finance book I've ever read. Period.
  
  
• Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Ever seen Gladiator? This is the REAL Roman Emperor behind Russel Crowe's character. This book was his private diary.
  
  
• Man's Search For Meaning by Victor Frankl - Hands down one of the most profound and moving books ever written. Victor was a psychologist and survived the Nazi training camps
  
  As a way of background I have newsletter where I share proven case studies of successful entrepreneurs. I outline step by step how they made money and got freedom from their day job. If you’re interested let me know and I can PM you the link to the newsletter or if you have any questions.

It's super easy to feel alone in the wilderness, but lots of people realize how fucked up this world can be. The real challenge is not letting that realization destroy you. It doesn't have to. You can harness the pain in your heart, move past the despair, and become a force of good. I know this is all easier said than done. But it is doable, which means there is always hope.

From just the littlest bit of your personality I've seen, I already have no doubt that you're capable of being such a force of goodness. In fact, you've probably already contributed many positive things to the lives of other sentient beings.

We tend to be very hard on ourselves. If I said "think of something bad you did, some failure," you could probably conjure up a lengthy list of minor mistakes. But if I said "think of something good you did," you would probably be very critical about what would make the list. Maybe you'd think of something small, like choosing to recycle one day or petting your dog or complimenting a friend. But then you might think "no, that's not big enough, so it shouldn't count." And yet all the little mistakes count, somehow. Our selection processes and cognitive biases tend to work against us, as people with depression. It's a good thing to appreciate the little acts of kindness you do, because often it's the little acts that make the most difference. And once you accept that some of your cognitive processes are working against you, distorting how you see yourself, you can take steps toward correcting these self-defeating processes. You might find this book useful toward that end: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1368751982&sr=8-1&keywords=feeling+good+workbook

I'm glad you enjoyed Hyperbole and a Half. You may also like the works of these artists, all of whom have struggled with depression:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=FomroPMOKvg

http://www.akimbocomics.com/?p=573

http://depressioncomix.tumblr.com/

http://www.darcomic.com/tag/depression/

http://boxbrown.livejournal.com/136695.html

Again, grain of salt, your mileage may vary, I'm not qualified to give professional advice and all that. If you get use from any of these things, excellent. If not, there are plenty of other helpful things out there. :)

Insecurity:

Feeling insecure can be one of two things. Either you are suffering from negative thinking or you are genuinely uncomfortable with something.

People who suffer from negative thinking can all relate to these mindtraps. We all do to some degree, but if your thoughts of insecurity is highly dominated by negative thinking, then you should work on yourself. The best way is going through a therapist who can help you with changing the way you let negative thinking affect your life. To change the way you think is the major aspect of cognetive therapy. If you are too afraid to seek a counsellor specialized int his topic, then I usually recommend the self help book Feeling Good Handbook which will help you deal with insecurities. It will also allow you to see and understand better what you are dealing with in case you want to seek out a therapist later. The best way to work on this material is together with a therapist, and it is of course beneficial to read up on it first.

If you on the other hand simply feels generally uncomfortable with your girlfriend's behaviour or friendships etc., then it is not you who are "crazy", but your relationship that has issues and is lacking in boundaries. Especially boundaries with the opposite sex. A boundary is a boundary when both people understands the reason for it being but in place, and both chooses to uphold it. (The opposite is to be controlling, where one part dictates the allowed behaviour withouth the other partner understanding why. That is being controlling and is generally unhealthy.) A boundary I like to recommend is: "Any activity that is implicitly understood as a boyfriend/girlfriend activity is reserved for the relationship unless explicitly stated otherwise." Nice and simple. So then it is implicitly understood that no hand holding or lap-sitting should take place with friends of the other sex for example.

I cured my depression by meditation -- I found a good system that helped create spiritual experiences, and whenever I felt down I could meditate and connect with a higher consciousness and feel uplifted.

Meditation is truly powerful -- it's like weightlifting for the brain. You can take a person who has a sickly body and make them strong and healthy through exercise, and meditation does the same thing for the mind.

This book is what got me started, and the author wrote a 3-year meditation / yoga / spirituality course that really worked, and helped me have higher experiences.

Meditation is scientifically proven to lift your mood and increase the activity in the "feeling good" parts of your brain, reduce stress and anxiety, and lift the immune system, so even if you don't believe in spirituality there is still a scientific basis for why it works. (Like weightlifting for the brain). It also gives your mind the extra strength to fight off negative thoughts and focus on relaxing, happy thoughts.

The Feeling Good Handbook is about "cognitive therapy" -- finding the errors in your thoughts and fixing them so they don't get you down as much. It has helped many people and is worth checking out.

Finally, go exercise -- exercise is proven to increase the brain cell growth in your brain, and one theory about depression is that prolonged stress stops new brain cell growth in important mood areas. Both exercise and anti-depressants (IIRC) help stimulate new brain cell growth, which some scientists think is what helps alleviate the depression. In any case, exercise works to lift moods and lower stress.

So, just some thoughts to hopefully help -- Good Luck!

Yeah, I'm going to focus on my strengths, not my weaknesses.

And I'm sorry your health care is garbage there :/ There are a lot of ways to start on your own! "Self-help" books (I say "self-help" because they aren't like shitty self-help books lol), online sites, worksheets, workshops.

You can try and see if there is a CBT work group in your area run by a therapist. They might be free or charge a slight fee. If you're not interested in that you can find tons of websites that are free.

[This site] (http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/step1.htm) is great because it has a guided program type thing and it has a toooonnnn of worksheets for all sorts of problems. It might be a little overwhelming at first so I would suggest following the steps and taking it slow.

Also, not exactly CBT but [The Feeling Good Handbook] (https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1483808657&sr=8-1&keywords=the+feeling+good+handbook) has a lot of steps and helpful exercises to help with procrastination, depression, anxiety, anger, etc. You might also look at [something like this] (https://www.amazon.com/Shyness-Social-Anxiety-Workbook-Step/dp/1572245530/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1483808741&sr=8-3&keywords=cbt+for+social+anxiety) (though I've never read this exact book myself, it looks good).


I've also used the CBT for Dummies book, surprisingly a good introduction.

Definitely give it a try! CBT has helped me so much with my SA. If you have any other questions feel free to ask :)

(for what it's worth I'm going into therapy as a career so I've researched this shit a ton, beyond just my own interests lol)

Hey there again, I figured I would share a few more things that have helped me out a ton.

The Feeling Good Handbook - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is gaining a lot of traction as it focuses on directly what we discussed: thoughts leading to negative experiences. Having a book like this is huge, and great for "Bibliotherapy", especially between sessions. It's been great for me to realize when I have been focusing on something negative or blatantly unrealistic (going crazy, having a heart attack, etc) and being able to look at what I'm experiencing more realistically. Realizing that anxiety and panic are not you, and don't define your experience is huge! I'm not sure what type of session you're going to next week, but it could be worth mentioning CBT if it sounds like something you think would help.

Headspace - This app changed my life - daily meditation (even as little as ten minutes) has significantly lessened panic/anxiety's impact on my life, and I cannot recommend this app enough for that. Before Headspace I don't think I had ever developed a 'practice', even in things I love, and now I'm more confident that I can apply these mindfulness concepts to all areas of my life, especially panic and anxiety. While it is subscription based after you get through the first three packs, it is (in my eyes) highly worth it, and if you're interested I have a code for a free month I would love to send to you. There's a specific pack they have called 'Managing Anxiety' that has helped me immensely as it focuses on 'noting' (acknowledging anxious thoughts for what they are - anxiety - thus helping us be able to let things go), and understand when I might be letting panic take the wheel. There's also a single "Panicked" meditation that I have found helpful, though I think that one is much more impactful once you have a firm foundation in some of the other concepts.

The last thing that comes to mind is pretty simple, but really difficult because I know how terrible panic is - telling panic and anxiety to fuck off (literally, I have found myself telling anxiety to f off out loud), and telling yourself/saying outloud "I can cope. I have been through this before, and I have survived, and I will survive again, so come at me anxiety, I can take it". This took me a long time to build up to, but once I stopped letting the fear of panic induce panic in me by accepting it, I noticed a significant drop off in the intensity of the emotions, and sometimes that has been enough to alleviate my panic/anxiety in the moment.

I believe in you, and it sounds like you're doing all of the right things to work through this. I know how difficult this all can be, so you are incredibly brave for starting the process of speaking with someone. It will get better and easier to manage in time. You're not alone in this. Panic and anxiety - for better or worse - are part of the shared human experience, and that can often be a comforting thought when experiencing those heavy emotions. I have found some relief in reminding myself of that.

DM me if you're interested in that month of Headspace, and thanks again for sharing your experience. :)

http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1310302737&sr=8-1

(non affiliate link)

I'd read that book on stoic joy. It helps getting through crap, making you more energized afterwords, and examining your life with respect to ultimate importance to allow you to make it a bit better, less painful, and possibly even joyful. It's not religious, part of a cult or anything. (it was written by some professor somewhere). It's basically a retelling of the ethics and way of life of Epictetus, Zeno of Citium, Seneca, Marcus Aurelius (Emperor of Rome) to fit modern life.

Big proponents of equanimity, which seems to be what you're missing.

Lots of their writings are also available in public domain works for obvious reasons:

http://www.iep.utm.edu/epictetu/#SH4c <= On what's in our power and what's not. How worrying about the wrong thing, mistaking it's category will make you unhappy.

Some things about stoics:

>
The Stoics made a sharp distinction between
things that are in our power and things that are not.
Desire and dislike, opinion and affection, are within
the power of the will; health, wealth, position,
reputation, and the like are commonly not

From http://mises.org/books/stoics.pdf <==apparently free ebook, dunno, just found it on a google search, no where as near as easy to read as the amazon linked one

Honestly, the first book is a HUGE help.

Virtual Hug
Not sure what to say but I think that a lot of people feel the way you do. I don't think you're too old to make friends. Plenty of people out there want more friends at any age. Being fat has nothing to do with it. I'm fat. Fat people are usually very fun and nice. Open yourself up to love, love yourself and find the love in others.

This book helped me out of a depression
http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614

I've heard 'What Does Everybody Else Know That I Don't" by Dr. Novotni get recommended at least once on this sub, and saved it for later consideration/purchase. It is a social skills book specifically designed for adults with ADHD. Haven't read it yet, so I can't personally speak to it beyond to it being exactly about this topic, and liking the title.

I am sure there are also other social skills books that might not be specifically geared to ADHDers that would be good -- maybe even better?

I was scanning some papers I still had laying around, and that included some copies of chapters from two separate books that I remember thinking of as being potentially great resources. The first one is 'The Assertiveness Workbook' by Dr. Paterson -- which I suspect would be targeted more towards social anxiety, but might be helpful in that it would be explicit about how to assert yourself without being too submissive or too aggressive. Though, a potential drawback is that it might assume basic social skills -- though it might not, given that social anxiety would potentially cause one to doubt their understanding of social skills, thus making a review of social skills more defensible. The other was 'The Feeling Good Handbook' by Burns, a psychiatrist, specifically a chapter on "five secrets of intimate communication" -- I am not sure that would be worth buying the whole book or not, but the chapter looked good to me.

Note, I linked to Amazon on all books because it is a fairly standard, mainstream place for reviewing and purchasing books via the internet, and because it often includes previews of books -- it might be worth googling any one of these titles if any of them seem interesting enough. The lattermost one, for instance, is from the 1980s, so I am not sure what else you could find on it at little-to-no cost, and certainly local libraries may have one or more of these in stock as well. I was surprised to find my college library has some workbooks online for unlimited viewing (though limited copying/saving) through their website.

Hope this helps!

Oh man, that’s really hard. I wish I knew more, I wish I could be more helpful.

There’s a book a got in lieu of therapy called The Feeling Good Handbook that I bought because of its section on communication, but the rest of it was great too. Maybe give it a shot.

Good luck out there, I truly do hope you find happiness.