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| Release date | March 2009 |
Get onto Amazon and order these two books:
Divorce for Dummies
The Complete Idiots Guide to Divorce
Sorry about the insulting titles, they helped me TREMENDOUSLY when it came to my divorce. And then you sit down and make a LIST of every conceivable expense BOTH of your children are going to need covered between now and age 30. Big ones are both health insurance and "Un-Reimbursed medical, optical and dental expenses" (that phrase includes braces, glasses, and any special testing for learning disabilities or speech therapy all on one swoop. You want him on the hook for that.
Make sure you don't just include college, but the application fees for college, SAT prep courses, extracurricular fees for interests and activities, travel expenses if your children are on sports teams or clubs, the travel expenses of looking at colleges, maybe grad school as well. Weddings. Car and insurance. Professional wardrobe for starting out after college. Age-appropriate electronics as needed and to be upgraded as appropriate for school needs... and list that they will be the possessions of the child not the parents (big deal with such a douchebag as your ex husband). Literally down to prom dresses, you get him on the hook - and you don't do it 50-50. Do it "according to income" - because you will be a single mother, and he will be able to out earn you since childcare is a real thing. You make sure that you get the dependent tax credit.
When it comes to visitation, you also but a stick in with the carrot - you give it generously, but make sure that he is on the hook to cover any expenses incurred on your part if he doesn't show up for a scheduled visit - your babysitter, reimbursement for theater or sporting event tickets you might have incurred with the expectation for childcare, etc. You get sole custody, but you also make sure you get at least one weekend of downtime per month - and also? use the words "developmentally appropriate" in your planning. Not just age- development. (That takes the emotional well being of the child into consideration.)
I dont' know what job skills or earning potential or career you have, but do NOT be shy about social services right now if you need them. If you had an accountant, call them up, you need the copies of past taxes, and if they can, you might want a forensic accounting of all assets and debts. ALSO - get a hold of your money now and start calling to transfer your insurance for your car, your car title, and any other assets into your name - and a freeze on all the cards so he can't rack up new debts.
Another book is Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare - and you need it, pronto. It will help you to not go back to this asshole and his bitch mother. To start healing and supplying yourself. She also has written a guide to self-care you might want. I do believe she also has a section on helping you find a lawyer that specializes in "high conflict divorce cases".
Get therapy for yourself and your son asap. A therapist is not only for your mental health and healing - they are also an EXPERT WITNESS for custody. Another EXCELLENT option is to have a forensic psychologist do an evaluation on the family dynamic... basically this will be the psychologist meeting with all of you and your kid and your ex separately, possibly together, and then making a report about the family dynamic for the judge - will certainly bolster your case how abusive and nasty your Ex and his mother are, and will help you. This is going to be the next year of your lives, at least, and on top of that you will have a new baby to deal with. Breathe. It WILL be ok in the end. 5 years from now, you'll have a much much better, more peaceful, happier life. Give yourself permission now that you only deal with divorce stuff at set times and days - like "Tuesdays and Thursdays from 1-3 are when I face this, the other days I'm done."
You will get through this. It's a lot more work than planning a wedding, but you will survive, and so will your son. I'm glad you got away from that abusive situation. You are giving your children the gift of a better life - keep doing that, keep fighting for them.