Reddit mentions of Facing the Shadow [3rd Edition]: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

Congratulations on coming to terms with this. That first step is hard. But if you want it bad enough, there is a better life out there for you.

Here's what I recommend:

First thing is to realize that NOBODY conquers addiction on their own. You need allies, and you need tools. Nobody, no matter how strong, can beat addiction through will power alone.


r/pornfree is great, but the community is too big to provide quality support to every one of us. It's a first stop on your journey, sort of a lobby that will eventually lead you to a room where you actually find support. You need to find an accountability partner or group. This can be someone in real life, or someone you meet here. You can ask around, or even start your own subreddit. Taking the responsibility of starting a group will give you a ton of motivation.


Beyond that, here are some things I strongly recommend:


Come clean to someone in real life. What happens on the internet has a way of staying on the internet, it's part of the reason this addiction is so hard to get over. You need to feel this addiction in real life if you want real healing. And the whole point of overcoming porn addiction is to participate in real life more! Why not start now? 


Build a long-term recovery plan. Here is an awesome post detailing the elements of a successful plan. Here is my plan as an example.


Figure out your three circles. This is an exercise that helps you set boundaries for yourself. Here is a worksheet that pretty much explains it all, plus it includes a link to a Wikipedia article that goes into more detail.


Get a journal app that reminds you to make an entry every day. Journal your urges, your victories, your setbacks, etc. Your journal is a safe space to release your emotions and talk yourself through things. I also journal about gratitude and things like that, and it builds positivity.


Report your urges to an accountability partner while they are still happening. The best way to stop an urge is to talk about it in the present tense.


Mark your victories and milestones by finding a healthy way to celebrate. I made these colored popsicle sticks to mark each major milestone, and I carry them in my wallet like AA chips. It's a stupid popsicle stick, but it works for me. And if you are going into a high-trigger situation, like a trip to the beach, plan ahead of time to indulge in some healthy form of self-care as a reward for good behavior (like buying a new outfit, or taking some time to listen to your favorite music).


Speaking of self-care, make a plan to do nice things for yourself that do not threaten your recovery. What those things are will depend on what you enjoy, but put some thought into it, and plan ahead, or it will be too easy to reach for the unhealthy reward of porn.


Go outside more. I don't know why this is important, but it is. It's just good for your brain. And it doesn't have to be a week long camping trip in the Redwoods to do the trick. Walking out on the balcony of your apartment, breathing some fresh air, and looking at the half-dead flowers on your neighbor's porch is better than nothing.


Join a recovery program. Some are free, some cost money. Some cover multiple addictions, others are focused on porn. Here are just a few:


Smart Recovery


Recovered Man


Fortify


Fight the New Drug


Recovery Nation


Covenant Eyes


Facing the Shadow


Last of all, accept that addiction is never over. There is no "cure" for this. Lots of people labor under the delusion that if they can make it to 90 days, that's it, they're free. Many of those people will relapse on day 91. When you are addicted to porn, your brain rewires itself to make watching porn very easy, and avoiding porn very hard. You can break out of that loop, and if you do, the brain will begin to heal. By avoiding porn and all related behaviors, you can starve the neural pathways that led you to porn. But they will never completely die.


Good luck! PM me if you want to talk more.

BSO of a sex addict here.

Have you seek therapy with a CSAT? Are you going to SAA meetings or similar support / recovery groups?

If so, your wife should strongly be encouraged to join similar support/ recovery groups meant for partners (she is NOT alone in dealing with a sex addict partner).

There is also literature to help you both, which was recommended to us by my SA SO's CSAT -

For you: Facing the Shadow

For her - Mending a Shattered Heart and Moving Beyond Betrayal

Now, my Dday was much more recent (7/7) and there have been several instances of trickle truth, slips, and even a relapse that all have reset the clock back to square one - and dare I say, WORSE than square one, actually. Now it feels that the 4 months long EA/PA (which, still no excuse, I 'understood' the circumstances) is small potatoes compared to what we are facing now.

I love my WSO... I mean, I love the man he "was" prior to Dday. And, of course, that wonderful man is (should be) still a part of him. Although my memories are now tarnished, I have no doubt that all the love, support, and care he demonstrated throughout since the beginning of our relationship was genuine. But there's now this whole other side that his addiction was taking control over.

But at this moment, I do not have any trust in him. I see him trying, I see him wanting to no longer have loss of control over that part of him. But it won't be an overnight change. In the meantime, like your wife, I feel compelled to spying, snooping, tracking, monitoring, etc. but it is driving me crazy and isn't healthy. We are in MC and he is in IC (CSAT) but I have yet to start my own IC.
I feel lost. I feel at a standstill. We get along well in ordinary tasks/day to day commonalities, but my heart is shattered and I flip flop between being so hopeful and feeling love and pride for him, for tackling this issue of his -and being angry and spiteful, giving the cold shoulder when triggered, waking him up in the middle of the night to 'ambush' him with details of previous infractions (NOT the kind of person I've ever been).

Bottom line is - you BOTH need to seek professional help, individually AND together if you want the slightest shot at reconciliation. Your relationship will never be as it was prior to Dday. But it doesn't mean that a new one cannot be built.

You need, day in and day out, to go the extra mile to reassure her, to show through your actions that you are taking steps to not fall back into your addict's behavior. You need to be transparent and even take your own actions to earn her trust back - don't wait for her to ask you to do something to prove you are being truthful/ trustworthy. You have to SHOW her that you are - It's not for her to have to look into if you are.

That sounds like a lot of progress on his part, but I think you are right to be cautious. I also think postponing a decision is a good plan too, but you are the only one who knows your heart and what's best for you.

I also think that you can be just fine as a single parent. Granted, I don't have 5 kids, with two of them being so little, but if that's the decision you come to, you can certainly do it and thrive.

My SO just ordered a book similar to the one I recommended to you. Links to both below:

This is the one I have:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/098327133X/ref=cm_cr_arp_mb_bdcrb_top?ie=UTF8

The one my partner just ordered:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0985063378/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1482880616&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=facing+the+shadows+patrick+carnes&dpPl=1&dpID=41hEZJSKXvL&ref=plSrch

My fingers are crossed for you, but I know how scary this is. It is for me too. I'm thankful every day that my SO and I aren't married Bc then I can walk so much easier if he reoffends.

That's really painful. I think many of us understand where you are. Many of us have been there, too.

I see that you know that there is a problem, and that you feel powerless. I encourage you not to stop there. There's no coincidence that these are the first two steps of addiction recovery. You haven't reached an end; you are, in fact, just beginning a journey of understanding and empowerment.

> Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over pornography–that our lives had become unmanageable.

It's just step 1. It's time to stop going about this blindly, without knowledge. It's time to learn about the disease which you suffer from and the treatments available. Until you understand your condition, you will not be able to sustain a healthy relationship. I was told the same thing when I was in your position and I resented the person who said it. But as soon as I began to pursue knowledge I understood that it was true.

Recommended reading:

• https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Addiction-101-Basic-Healing/dp/0757318436
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Shadow-3rd-Starting-Relationship/dp/0985063378
  
  These two books will help you understand, not only why you haven't been able to quit, but also the life which God desires for you, and the work you must do to achieve it.
  
  When I first confessed my problems to my former girlfriend, I went about it the same way. She was more lenient, more willing to work with me and understanding of the times when I failed, but the result was the same. Eventually, the ultimatum came; and I was just as powerless to stop as I ever was-- nothing had changed. She left.
  
  Now, after a year of learning and recovering, I am in a new relationship with the woman God was always leading me toward. He humbled me and guided me, teaching me through pain and loss, in order to lead me into new understanding. When I confessed my addiction to my girlfriend this time, I was able to explain to her what it meant; able to list the actions I was taking to heal; able to detail my plan for recovery; able to assure her that I was responsible, I was doing the work, and it was not her burden to bear. And because of this, we are both in full understanding, and this is the strongest relationship I have ever had (and, if she agrees, ever will have... such a commitment is not too far away).
  
  It gets better. But before it can get better, you must start seeking recovery and knowledge. Without that, you'll never go anywhere.

1. Talked to your wife about what is going on. https://www.reddit.com/r/pornfree/comments/9gtc9h/just_confessed_9_points_for_telling_your/
   
2. Find a support group. You need something more personal than this sub. SAA meetings is a good place to start and they have phone in meetings. https://saa-recovery.org/meetings/
   
3. Consider trying therapy again. $350 is pretty steep. There are a lot out there for around $100 per hour. Still not cheap but is money well spent in the beginning especially. Find one who specializes in sex addiction.
   
4. Setup up covenant eyes on all of your devices and get an accountability partner who will get the reports.
   
5. Start making recovery priority number one in your life for the time being. Facing the Shadow is a great workbook as well as Recovery Nation. Haven't got through all of them but very pleased so far.
   
6. Start working a recovery plan. Start with the goal of going one week porn free. Setup a consequence and a reward. Identify threats you might encounter and action plans to mitigate risk. Good podcast on setting up your plan. https://recoveredman.com/107-back-2-basics-the-7-day-porn-free-plan/
   
7. Believe that you can do this. Thousands have already walked the path you are about to and have been successful. You can do this to.
   
   The path to recovery isn't necessarily complicated but is hard work.
   
   Best of luck to you.

Your story is not too far off from mine. I've been with my wife for the past 9 years and also have watched it dissolve with my sexual addiction. There is plenty of denial I'm sure you have like me with catching my wife cheating on me before I did, but rationalizing this addiction will never get you better. I turned 31 in July and around that time she discovered sites like AdultFriendFinder and AshleyMaddison I belonged to from the past. I then got into a sexual addiction program that uses the Patrick Carnes book which I am currently working. Still have to start going to sexaholics anonymous meetings. I would highly suggest to just start listening to some recorded meetings to get the idea of lusting being the main cause for this addiction. The stories that are told and insight is the driving force to the start of understanding what is really going on. Feel free to message me if you want to talk more about it!

Why wait?

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/cr/0985063378/ref=mw_dp_cr