Reddit mentions of How to Love (Mindfulness Essentials)

Yes!!! I totally get it and have struggled with that too. These are the books I'm currently cycling through:

Twenty-Four Hours a Day (not AA, but about alcoholism)

Daily Reflections (AA)

As Bill Sees It (AA)

Courage to Change (Al-Anon, useful for self-esteem issues and building a relationship with a higher power)

Courage to See (This isn't affiliated with any program, but has some great daily readings and is also useful for self-esteem stuff)

How to Love (Buddhist)

I absolutely love Thich Nhat Hanh and want to get the rest of his "Mindfulness Essentials" collection. They're all short books on mindfulness in different contexts (How to Love, How to Sit, How to Relax, How to Eat, How to Walk). I've also heard good things about The Energy of Prayer although I haven't gotten it yet so I'm not sure if it's set up well to be daily reader.

I've also used some Emmet Fox books in the past. Several of them have prayers/meditations in them that I've cycled through in various parts of my sobriety. Here's one I really liked:

"God is the only Presence and the only Power.  God is fully present here with me, now.  God is the only real Presence – all the rest is but shadow.  God is perfect Good, and God is the cause only of perfect Good.  God never sends sickness, trouble, accident, temptation, nor death itself; nor does He authorize these things.  We bring them upon ourselves by our own wrong thinking.  God, Good, can cause only good.  The same fountain cannot send forth both sweet and bitter water.

I am Divine Spirit.  I am the child of God.  In God I live and move and have my being; so I have not fear.  I am surrounded by the Peace of God and all is well.  I am not afraid of people; I am not afraid of things; I am not afraid of circumstances; I am not afraid of myself; for God is with me.  The Peace of God fills my soul, and I have no fear.  I dwell in the Presence of God, and no fear can touch me.  I am not afraid of the past; I am not afraid of the present; I am not afraid for the future; for God is with me.  The Eternal God is my dwelling place and underneath are the ever-lasting arms.  Nothing can ever touch me but the direct action of God Himself, and God is Love."

A big part of it is a mindset that allows you to pay close attention to your partner, so you can express love in the ways they understand, and also notice and appreciate the ways in which they show love to you. This book helped me How to Love (Mindfulness Essentials) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1937006883/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Cpc6CbB734Y28

Hi, I am going through this too. I just had to separate from my partner on Friday after things escalated. If your partner is serious about getting help, please check out Dr. Steven Stosny's work on treating abuse and intervention. If your partner is interested, he can go to an abuser intervention program and improve himself. My partner did not end up seeking out resources I had researched.

But I would like to focus on you. Just like you, I have felt (and still do) like all I wanted is for him to get better. I want to be his cheerleader and his rock. I didn't want to give up on him under any circumstances in the world. Like a lot of people trapped in abusive relationships: "I never once thought of myself as a battered wife. Instead, I was a very strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man, and I was the only person on Earth who could help Conor face his demons." It feels like from what you're saying that you have tied this relationship into your identity - I did too. My husband felt like my whole world.

But the more I have just started to seek out resources and experts, the more I've realized this is unhealthy and actually, it is not helping the abuser to get better. Yes, there are success stories where the abuser gets better. Absolutely - here's one of them. But one of the clearest ways to keep you safe and to see if he's serious about getting help that I have read about would be to have a 30 day, 60 day, or 90 day separation as a starting place while the partner is in treatment and check up on progress and goals at the end of the separation. If your partner cares more about getting help than about controlling you, he will not object to this. If he does, that tells you a lot about the state of the relationship - a day before my husband became violent with me, he begged me not to move into a separate apartment, telling me that that would be me giving up on the relationship. I am just now realizing how much of a red flag that was.

He has to want to get better for himself, not use his problems (and wanting to solve them) as a hook to keep you reeled in. Please consider this as it could be much better for your relationship and for both of you as individuals in the long term. I wish you and your partner the best and for a healing love and companionship. For yourself, you might want to read these books.

Read this: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1937006883/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_QZrIDbXDBNP0P

• Accept yourself, get to know yourself. So you can accept your partner and get to know them, without judgement, without your ego or insecurities getting in the way.
  
  
• Always comunicate openly and directly, unless you're angry. Give each other space and time to calm down before talking. Don't play mind games with each other, don't be sarcastic and don't mock them.
  
  
• Respect comes before anything. Be more respectful and kind to your partner than to anyone else. Be extra considerate and patient with them.
  
  
• Nurture yourself, love yourself. So you can nurture and love your partner. Allow yourself to treat them like a grandma would with a small child when they're sad or hurt. Be their safe place. Cook for them, cuddle, talk to them or just listen or just silently hug them, whatever they need.
  
  
• Be the kind of partner who doesn't need to be asked to be considerate and loving. You're not a mind-reader, obviously, but pay attention to your partner's needs and help them as much as you can. Just be attentive and chivalrous. With my ex, I always had to ask him to walk with me if I had to go to an ATM at midnight and stuff like that, he always made me feel like I was asking for too much when I shouldn't even be asking in the first place.
  
  
• Empathy. Make their pain your pain. There's no place for "That's your problem" in love. Don't leave them alone on their worries or problems, no matter how small or big they are. You don't have to solve them, just be interested and care as if they were your own.
  
  
• Everyday ask yourself if that relationship is bringing something valuable to your life, making you grow, bringing you joy (not to confuse with "making you happy"). There are good days and bad days, but the value of a relationship and the warmth of joy are there no matter what, just like a bad relationship feels bad even underneath the smiles of good days. If you're in a bad relationship, be thankful for what it gave you and leave, if you're in a good partnership, appreciate it and be thankful.
  
  
• Be there. Wherever you are, make the other person feel they're not alone. When you're by their side, be present; when they're talking to you stop what you're doing and look at them (unless you're driving, duh), don't be those "Yeah, I'm listening" partners who keep fiddling with their phones while you're trying to talk to them. Acknowledge your partner and give them your time.
  On his AMA, Jeff Bridges was asked how did he and his wife managed to have a long and happy relationship while living the Hollywood life and, basically, he said they achieved it by being there, staying in touch to know with what was going on in each other's lives as much as possible; this shows that, no matter what, you're there and you care.
  
  
• Don't lose your sense of humour. There's always time for a giggle or two and everything has the potential to be funny. Laugh together, don't lose your inside jokes, be childish if possible.
  
  
• Get out of your own head from time to time. We all have our own lives, from time to time ask yourself if you're being the kind of person your significant other deserve (it can even be hourly, doesn't have to be a big ceremony, just checking out everythings fine).
  
  
• Give them space. You know how people talk about keeping things spicy and interesting on their relationship so they don't feel tempted to cheat? Well, according to Esther Perel love also relies on intimacy and comfort, which can only come from a partner you know well. She says (and I agree) that the best way to get both excitement and comfort is by giving your partner space and freedom. This way, you both can grow and go explore the world (whatever this means to you, from polyamory to just going to the movies alone sometimes or taking a pottery class or other hobbies) and then come back home and share your experiences (thus keeping things new and interesting).
  
  
• Make an effort on your appearance. At least, be as clean as possible and stay healthy, for both of you.
  
  I think that's pretty much it by now o___o Hope this helps.
  
  EDIT: Oh, I almost forgot!
  
  
• Another piece of advice by Esther Perel: Instead of trying to have quickies to keep your sex life alive (once it becomes difficult), dedicate a whole afternoon to stay in bed, cuddle, make love and enjoy each other (I think she talks about that here), even if it's just once a week it's way better for strenghtening intimacy.
  
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  I highly recommend the book How to love by Thich Nhat Hanh. He provides simple and not-so-simple insights on love to achieve healthy and loving relationships. Mostly, he emphasizes the importance of empathy and presence.
  
  (If you're interested, he explains the four principles of love on this talk (The link starts when he starts explaining the principles, but you can start from the beginning), which are "maitri (loving-kindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (joy), and upeksha (freedom)". On this other video he explains it much more briefly but clearly.)
  
  I also recommend this TED talk, The secret to desire in a long-term relationship by Esther Perel, in which she explains what I said about freedom and space.
  
  

Good luck, and I apologize for the harsh tone on my response.

May I recommend: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Mindfulness-Essentials-Thich-Nhat/dp/1937006883

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