Reddit mentions of Unlocking the Emotional Brain

I beg to differ. You might want to check out Coherence Therapy which explores agency over our core constructs which gives rise to emotions. See f. ex https://www.amazon.com/Unlocking-Emotional-Brain-Eliminating-Reconsolidation/dp/0415897173

For more info on the process you can check out http://www.amazon.com/Unlocking-Emotional-Brain-Eliminating-Reconsolidation/dp/0415897173

Typically, I prefer Coherence therapy, but there are a slew of experiential based therapies if you'd like to get sessions to help practice and refine your own process. You can do it by yourself if so choose however or not do it at all! Freedom is nice ;)

If you find yourself looking for a therapy that is similar to this, you could look into Emotion Focused Therapy (not to be confused with the tapping one), Internal Family Systems, Focusing, Hakomi, and I believe Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy are ones that have a similar philosophy and approach. Anything experientially based.. To my knowledge they generally ascribe to the same non-judgemental, non-critical, non-shoulding, emotional retrieval from coherence therapy. It's a bit easier to find one of these therapists than a Coherence Therapist...which is actually surprisingly rare right now. Thus sorta my...advocacy and interest in it ;)

I'm in no way a therapist, so I can't really give you therapeutic advice but I can give you a few things I observe as an amateur. I'm going to be speculating a bit here, but want to be clear that the answers in your life are your own. And aren't going to come from someone else, certainly not some dude on reddit :P So these are thoughts that might help you out, but at heart the answers will be in yourself.

In general with my untrained philosophical / psychology thoughts.. I view shoulds and have to's as areas to be explored. They seem to be clear markers of feelings that aren't being explored. I think they are part of the standard method of relating that is possibly fueled by shame, and an alternative to that seems to be emotional curiosity. Rather than your husband saying "you should be less emotional", a curious statement might be something like "why are you so emotional?" With an implied sentiment of curiosity and compassion, and not the criticism that sentence might usually evoke. You both may discover completely valid and helpful things that come from your emotions. Or perhaps a compelling reason to be emotional even if it isn't "obviously" helpful. Often being "overly emotional" can be a shaming technique to someone who is genuinely unhappy. Being overly emotional isn't usually considered a bad thing if someone is happy all the time. Though...in a lot of childhoods that often is something that is punished. You may find compelling reasons to be so emotional, it might not be something you should stop doing at all or it could be your only way to express something else that remains unsaid or unfelt.

And in the same way you might ask him how it makes him feel when you're emotional. A lot of shoulds and have-tos come from an emotional place. It seems likely your being emotional might be making him uncomfortable in some manner, perhaps anxious, angry, sad or concerned. And often shoulds, have-to's etc. aimed at another person, are cognitive behavioral techniques designed to manage their own anxiety. He could have many valid emotional reasons that your expressions of feelings make him uncomfortable. It could be the example of people being emotional in his life were bad people, or people were punished for being emotional and in some way he's trying to protect you from that. It could be any number of deeply felt reasons that I can only speculate about that he holds inside him. Try to figure out why it is he thinks you should be less emotional. Maybe he's right in some ways, maybe he's wrong in some ways, but without more depth there is no real way to tell.

On your own have to's, when it gets down to sharing your voice. I noticed you said you should not be so afraid to share it. I'd consider again a more curious approach and say "hm, why am I afraid to share myself or my art with the world?" or "why am I afraid to express myself". You may find many completely valid emotional reasons to be afraid of sharing yourself. Sharing yourself and self-care both share very common roots in terms of self-protection and authenticity. There is a great trap in the world for sensitive people, being vulnerable to criticism, yet relishing authenticity. Finding a balance between those two can be really hard, and not something I think should be taken so lightly as if you're just being silly. Being hurt, criticized, or rejected when you share something you find profound, is reeealllly painful sometimes. And often we develop a desire to hide ourselves from painful experiences, it is a self-protective mechanism that is looking out for you the best it can. I wouldn't right off the bat assume you are wrong for protecting yourself. It may be frustrating and may look confusing as an adult, but on an emotional level there is likely a lot of wisdom for you.

If you feel trapped by your situation, I wouldn't consider it appropriate to practice experiencing not being trapped. I would say "hey trapped feeling, tell me all about it!" Without emotional awareness you really can't authentically make any shoulds or have tos for yourself. It could be that feeling of being trapped is extremely important in some way. It could feel accurate in some ways as well. And practicing to not feel that way, without understanding the hidden importance of the feeling, might serve to undercut some deeply compelling emotional truth in your life. Aim for curiosity around your feelings to find out what is going on. When you have all the information you can make assessments more clearly. I can think of many situations where feeling trapped is accurate and self-protective. I'd hate to see you try to fight that feeling in yourself only to find it was helping you in reality.

I think you might find something fruitful in the first statement about bonding over feeling misunderstood. It seems possible to me that both of you feel misunderstood by each other. And perhaps this is your most comfortable way of bonding? There could be an area to explore by yourself or even with a couples therapist. Feeling deeply understood by another person can involve a lot of intimacy, emotional expression, and vulnerability that is reealllly uncomfortable for a lot of people. I think often we desperately desire it, but fear it at that same time for quite a few valid reasons. Perhaps feeling misunderstood by eachother feels safe in some way. If they get to know what I'm really thinking or feeling, they might hurt me just like X did. If they don't understand me, they can't really hurt the real me. Maybe something like that.

I think you might find if you approach your inner life and discussions with your husband in a curious non-judgmental fashion, you may be better able to figure out exactly what is going on. Certainly therapists at times can be helpful with that if you're so inclined. I'd personally recommend it rather than asking folks like me who areeen't exactly trained :D It makes me a bit nervous to be helping in a situation that is so important to you when I really have little idea what I'm doing. I'm happy to help, but feel it might be the best help I could give is providing resources and suggesting someone who really knows what they are doing ;)

I wish you luck cushioncat :) Hopefully this helps you in some way :)

Everyone I talk to who has these problems, I recommend this book.

It describes how you can eliminate cognitive dissonance and has helped me IMMENSELY. I grew up with a BPD abusive mom and I have lived a long time suffering from the effects of it until I got coherence therapy (much different than cognitive behavioral therapy). Unlike CBD it will erase your dissonance completely instead of creating coping mechanisms that compete with it. It disconnects and rewires synopses when done properly.

It's basically a book about reconsolidation for deeply imprinted emotional memories. Something that was thought to be permanently unerasable until 2004.

You feel it in your brain when reconsolidation happens. You will know when you're fixed.

I hope this helps you.

I just finished reading this book and I think it might be what you're looking for:

https://www.amazon.com/Unlocking-Emotional-Brain-Eliminating-Reconsolidation/dp/0415897173

There are many case examples of Coherence Therapy inside, as well as a fairly in depth discussion of memory reconsolidation. I'm a skeptical person too but this stuff seems kind of promising to me.