Reddit mentions of I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough"

It's not women's history but I read I thought it was just me; but it isn't last week and I loved it. The author explores shame and its role in the socialization of women. The incredibly high, contrary ever shifting standards this society expects of women leads to judgment and alienation among ourselves and compassion for ourselves and others is the only way to escape it.

I internalize shame so easily, and I constantly feel like I will never be good enough, or worth anything; so I don't try. I gravitate to people who make me feel worthless and try to make them love me because I am not enough. Shame is a constant negative feedback loop for me and the worst part was I was always told it was something I "shouldn't" feel. That is basically a way of deflecting blame-- from the shamer on to the person she is shaming. The shamer doesn't have to feel bad, because the person being shamed deserved it. Telling someone they "shouldn't" feel hurt is a great way to get away with hurting that person over and over again when they believe you. This book actually gave me PERMISSION (who knew I needed it) to call the way I was raised harmful. I've always recognized that shame and judgment are negative, evil things I don't like to do to others, but I had no defense for when people did it to me. Now I feel like I can finally get better at it.

I'm really glad I read it and it's really great for talking about the harmful effects of female socialization.

I agree with this comment. When I read the OP's post the phrase "which tend to just come about and leave me completely unresponsive and insisting that nothing is wrong and generally making me impossible to deal with" jumped out at me. It sounds to me like when your girlfriend does something to upset or offend you, you freeze up and become numb. Does that description sound accurate?

If so, maybe this numbness happens because you are deeply uncomfortable dealing with negative feelings toward your significant other. For example, if you feel irritated with her, that irritated feeling causes you great anxiety and shame because you believe "a good person wouldn't feel irritated with someone you love". So you numb it out, instead of experiencing it, processing it, and coming up with a tactful way of addressing the subject of your irritation. The more shame you feel around an issue and the more you numb it and let the shame accumulate, the more angry and nasty feelings will well up.

Brene Brown has written some wonderful books on the subject of shame and vulnerability. Her first, I Thought it was Just Me (But it Isn't), is still my favorite, here

She also has a blog, but I think the book explains it best. It's important to start with the definition of shame and how it is different from guilt, humiliation, and embarrassment.

Of course, I could be completely wrong about the numbing thing. But I thought it was worth a shot. I applaud you for recognizing this as a problem and having such a clear desire to address it! Awesome!

There’s a book called I Thought It was Just Me (but it isn’t) by Beene Brown about shame as an emotion. It might help you contextualize some of the things you’re feeling towards yourself.

Also- if it’s a possibility for you, you may find talking to a therapist helpful.

You never know what those people in the photos are struggling with. Some may be depressed themselves. Maybe completely unhappy in their marriages or jobs but feeling unable to do anything about it. Etc etc. You just never know.

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Have you watched or read anythin by Brene Brown? She has spent her whole CAREER studying and writing about shame. When I went through my SECOND divorce (sigh) and felt like a complete failure (and my family shaming me didn't help any), she was my lifeline. I read three of her books and watched her TED talks several times.

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

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These two books changed my life:

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/1592403352/

https://smile.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/

Who you are is important. You are important.

It might be more than frustration: it might be shame as well. She might feel ashamed of how she's inherited her family's lack of responsible financial habits. (As a side note, she may also worry that spending in a more thought-out way will take all the fun out of life.)

On the topic of shame, you may benefit from reading I Thought it was Just Me (but it isn't) by Brene Brown. The book gives an insight on how people react defensively when they feel ashamed and how to connect with people who are experiencing shame (and how to not make it worse).

I know it seems like a tangent from talking finances--and maybe it is, if I'm wrong that she feels shame about it--but I think it's worth looking into after 8 years together. Also the book really changed my life and how I handle relationships overall.

This is a really good summary - https://www.rainn.org/articles/self-care-after-trauma

I love this book, it explores the concept of shame in a very helpful way - https://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-but-isnt/dp/1592403352/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1497624119&sr=8-4&keywords=brene+brown

I found a lot of the things in this post helpful, although they obviously pertain to BED specifically - https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/3dqkpe/bingefree_for_1_month_after_8_years_of_an_eating/

Mindfullness & meditation are great ways to practice self care - https://buddhaimonia.com/blog/mindfulness-tips

Exercise, eating well & dressing nicely almost always make you more in tune with your body and as a result more centered and happy with your appearance. These are all self care activities.

I'd also take sex out of the equation for awhile, it doesn't really tend to help in this kind of situation unless it is with a person you can feel safely intimate with.

I am a bit ADD, so I tend to read several books at once. I'm reading a Networking+ test guide, so I can take the test (hopefully). I'm also reading I Thought It Was Just Me by Brene Brown and am about to start Sex At Dawn.

That's off the top of my head. I have a bad habit of starting and not finishing books...

Hmm, I think I Thought It Was Just Me might be an effective combination of research, psychology, and self-help for you. I read it and did a group therapy course on the subject. I have a lot of shame issues and fear of embarrassment issues as well.

Also, your "rather how to stop being so arrogant" comment raised a little flag for me, because I have often battled with that. I have to keep telling myself "Nobody actually cares!" because they don't. And if they do, they shouldn't, you know? Someone once told me I was a "closet narcissist" for feeling that way, and I'm not sure I'm on board with that yet, but if you're interested you could Google it and see what little you find and if you can identify with it.

I came across this engaging TED talk from a researcher named Brene Brown that talks about the power of vulnerability. I think you might find it insightful.

She also wrote a bunch of good books that I think will really speak to your current situation. Take a look at them and once you get to Montreal/Toronto or if you have a Kindle app on your phone/tablet, take the first step to self-improvement by reading lots of books like these (including suggestions above). Ebooks from Amazon are quite affordable so there's no excuse not to start a reading list for changing your mindset and improving your quality of life. If you want to go free, there's r/freeEBOOKS too if you want to look around.

It looks pretty obvious right now, but a lot of people in this sub believe in you, myself included. Take one of those jobs and take that big step to a new life. Use your meds as a crutch for the time being and I'm sure things will improve. You'll have to give it time.

EDIT: Links

I think this might help her. I used to be like that too 6 months ago. I am still working on it. http://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-but-isnt/dp/1592403352 She could also try a therapist for maybe 4 sessions or more that is what I did.

Would you care to review even just this thread to look for ways that people have attempted to silence women or people speaking for them?

>Feminists? Again?

>Seems like someone has the picture of an angry feminist in their head...

>omfg not again. Please let this not suck as much as last time.

>I don't get it, why a story can't just be a story? Instead it has to be a game piece in an endless debate about gender equality. Can't we just get back to analyzing the finer points of magical theory?

>Garbage like this should be ignored.

All of which are basically telling feminists 'we have no interest in talking about this, and no interest in anyone else talking about this. Shut up already.' They could have just ignored the thread - these are deliberate attempts to shame people into not speaking. Yeah, its not as nasty as most of the internet, but it doesn't need to be.

Or maybe we should look at the recent shaming of women for speaking up about sexist behavior within the skeptic/rationalist community. This devolved into threats of violence against the women who spoke out (which I will not link, but they aren't hard to find).

(http://www.blaghag.com/2011/07/richard-dawkins-your-privilege-is.html

http://skepchick.org/2013/08/atheism-sexism-and-harassment-the-price-of-speaking-up/

http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/badastronomy/2011/07/05/richard-dawkins-and-male-privilege/

http://freethoughtblogs.com/entequilaesverdad/2013/08/15/some-essential-reading-on-the-sexism-in-skepticism-debacle/

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/daylightatheism/2013/05/some-sadly-necessary-remarks-on-the-wiscfi-intro/ )

And that's just the rationalist community. How about:

http://freethoughtblogs.com/pharyngula/2013/08/06/surely-sexism-is-dead-and-feminism-superfluous/

http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2012/03/19/on-womens-rights-blah-blah-whatever/

And so on.

>No, I don't believe that most women believe they're being told that they're inferior.

I'm guessing you're a man. You don't know my gender (which I will not supply on the internet), but I'm guessing you believe I'm a woman. You seriously just told someone you believe is a woman about their own experiences.

http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/06/wendy-davis-scotus-and-speaking-out-as-women.html

>Our [women and minorities] everyday experiences are up for debate. The burden of proof is on women and gay people and nonwhite Americans to justify their lives, to explain to those who have never felt this sort of powerlessness or discrimination that it’s very much real.

And you're doing that. You're sitting in your privilege and telling women that they aren't harassed constantly whenever they speak out about sexism, even when they clearly are. Don't do that.

Women are told they're inferior to men every day. At work and at school and in politics. In their treatment during movies and books and other narratives. That you don't believe that... well, shame on you.

I have a book suggestion for you: http://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-but-isnt/dp/1592403352/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376659131&sr=1-1&keywords=I+thought+it+was+just+me

I'm sure there's plenty of other reading you could do. You are part of the problem.

>You are perpetuating a view that women are weak, helpless creatures that need to be protected from reading something that might be offensive. Frankly, this is far more sexist and far more degrading than anything in HPMOR.

Wait, what?

Who's trying to protect women from reading something offensive? Criticism of HPMoR + a belief that the story would be much better served by reaching out to women rather than going out of its way to be offensive to them is not at all the same thing.

You will turn people off by offending them. (That's not a claim about protecting them, that's a claim about failure to persuade, and the ultimate goal of a philosophical tract is to persuade). You certainly won't entertain people by offending them. You seriously expect someone to continue to read after being offended? You honestly believe that someone finding a work offensive doesn't diminish their valuation of the work as a whole?

This isn't about protecting women, this is about protecting the message of the story. Offended women (and men) will just stop reading it. They may even decide rationality isn't worth their time, because the story convinced them that rationality doesn't care about their problems and seems willing to accept that status quo with open arms.

I happen to believe in rationality, but I did before discovering HPMoR. However, sexism is an obvious flaw in the story, because sexism is irrational, and for a story intending to market rationality to include such a blatantly irrational narrative is extremely off-putting. Before Hermione's framing, I gladly recommended the book to friends. I no longer do so.

maybe this one

Shaynoodle is damn sexy

I recommend this book

Does your wife read? Or listen to audio books? If so, I want to recommend something that changed my life and was what ultimately led to me losing weight and keeping it off permanently. BTW I taught for 6 years and lost weight even with the schedule and stress of working in an inner-city school. She can definitely do this but only if she can get past the shame that often comes with being overweight. Please, please, please ask her if she would be willing to check out this book. I wish the both of you the best of luck.

https://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-but-isnt/dp/1592403352/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1486404531&sr=8-1&keywords=I+Thought+it+was+just+me

I agree with seeing a counselor who specializes in multicultural issues, if your wife would be open to it. Graduate programs are placing such emphasis on the importance of understanding different cultures.

I just began reading this book http://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-isnt-Perfectionism/dp/1592403352. I have not gotten to far into it to 100% recommend, but it is worth a try. Your wife sounds like she could use some empowerment.