Reddit mentions of You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

I feel for you, and would like to recommend reading Deborah Tannen's work, You Just Don't Understand. It was written a while ago, so many of the dynamics she discusses have changed. But one thing that stood out to me was a section on how women tend to be more interconnected while men tend to be more individualistic - on a cultural level. This means that when women seek input from others, it's a way to include them and show that their opinions are valued, even if they know what they will do already. But men are often socialized to see that as being wishy-washy or weak, or as demeaning to have to "ask permission."

Not saying that it will solve the communication issue, but it may help by offering more angles from which to view this, and to see how conversation can mean different things in different contexts.

Oh, I should also tell you that my INTJ and I had a lot of success reading and discussing a book about communication styles. We like to read books together, so when it was my pick, I chose this one. Reading this made "how we communicate" more of a logical topical discussion for him about other ppl rather than an emotionally charged discussion entirely about our own stuff. It sounds cheesy, but the writer is a research psychologist not a self help quack:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B007OWRBL8/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1504577465&sr=1-2&refinements=p_27%3ADeborah+Tannen&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65

I think the important thing here is that you now know each other's priorities. You can evaluate the relationship in light of that knowledge.

If she is otherwise worth it, you can just accept that you have different ways of showing affection and both of you need to understand what resonates with the other and what does not.

If this is a dealbreaker for you, that is ok as well. Just know that different people have very different ways of feeling and showing emotion. I'll let other people recommend the "love languages" books. I recommend these books by Deborah Tannen That's not what I meant about different conversational styles in relationships and You just don't understand about men and women talking in relationships.