Reddit mentions: The best adoption books

>SO glad there's a book that addresses these issues, and you just provided me with the perfect "summary" words to describe the issue.

It looks like the adoption "system" (for lack of a better word to describe everyone involved) is finally starting to correct a lot of things (the "adopt me" ads for special need foster kids for instance aren't all "peaches and cream" anymore, they ARE beginning to list things like "Behavior Problems: Severe; Emotional Issues: Moderate-to-Severe; etc." -- which is a good step towards more honesty and away from the "put a happy face on it" that was so common in the past.)

The book ("Brothers and Sisters In Adoption") was published just last year (2009) but is already being recommended as a "starting point" for families thinking of becoming foster or adoptive families.

It was strongly recommended to me as I am starting the process of (potentially) becoming an adoptive parent -- even though there I have no other children in the home -- and I must say that despite the title {which is NOT incorrect because the book DOES spend significant amount of time/space on bio-to-adoptee relationship issues} and I have to say it was a VERY good recommendation.

The current title "Brothers and Sisters In Adoption" -- while apropos -- just doesn't do justice to the wealth of information in the book -- the same book could really be simultaneously published under another title; something like: "Comprehensive Pre-Adoption Preparation Primer for Prospective Adoptive Families" (or as the Amazon Review guy says "Realistic Expectations About Adoption").

I'm almost half-way through (now in the middle of chapter 5 out of 11 chapters + appendices) and while I am normally a fast reader, it contains so much info that requires a LOT of thought (and internal re-examination, re-assessment, and a re-calibration of expectations) -- I can easily see that it will likely take me another week to read through cover-to-cover, and that I will be very likely to read through it (or at least several chapters) of it multiple times.

BTW, a significant part of the content came from a host of interviews with adult and teen (and a few preteen) bio-siblings from adoptive homes -- including a lot of brutally honest direct quotations from the kids themselves (as well as similar from adoptive parents).

The top review-blurb on Amazon says:

>Don't be fooled by the title! Yes, this book is about brothers and sisters but it is also a most comprehensive look at adoption. The title could just as easily be Realistic Expectations About Adoption, hearing the stories of all members of the family. It explores pre and post-adoption as well as the psychological time-line of moving from immobilization to mobilization, and it includes many resources that would benefit all members of the adoptive family. Being comprehensive, it explores strengths and weaknesses, joys and challenges, moms and dads, brothers and sisters. This book should be an important guide for assisting families in making their ongoing journey of adoption.

>I always wanted to bring it up to my mom one day, So I can finally get it all off my chest - even if its so many years later. Thanks!

Get a copy... reading it might give you some catharsis -- and I'd bet your Mom might find it very interesting to read as well (and if anyone comes to her saying they are thinking of adopting, then she can direct them to it as well.)

Cheers!

Only speaking to the last point, but yes, you absolutely should talk about it, starting now. Much the same way you would talk about his adoption from the get-go (I hope you are anyway).

I am adopted (me my family are all white) and 2 cousins who are also adopted, one who is of a different race. We were talking one time about how our whole family likes to say we are "color blind" in that, we don't view anyone differently because of their race. My cousin was raised that way by my very well-intentioned and loving aunt and uncle. She was always told she's just a normal American girl like any other girl. While true, she has come to realize that it was like denying the elephant in the room: She IS their daughter, in every sense, but she IS ALSO a person of color. She said that IS part of who and what she is and she felt like it was denied all that time.

So of course this won't be a one-time conversation, but life long. And I think you're do just fine because you have the more important things down already: You love him, and you're seeking out ways to raise him the best! :)

I'm going to guess you've read a ton already on this, but in case you haven't, there is a lot out there. This was is very highly regarded and reviewed.

https://www.amazon.com/Dim-Sum-Bagels-Grits-Multicultural/dp/0374526117

I was actually looking for books for the child in a transracial adoption and I'm sure there have to be many, but my lunch period is over. :)

Congrats to you and best of luck with your sweet boy!!

In contrast, there's this woman...

>In your book Gadget Girl, the main character has a disability and is half-Japanese, what inspired you to create such a character?

>My daughter, who is half-Japanese, has cerebral palsy and is deaf. When she was very young I realized that there were few fun books with main characters who had disabilities. I wanted to write books that might empower and entertain her, and books that would help others to understand that people with disabilities are more than their disabilities. They have hopes, fears, dreams, etc. like everybody else. They fall in love, they get mad, they travel.

https://www.accessible-japan.com/an-interview-with-author-suzanne-kamata

http://www.japantimes.co.jp/life/2015/02/07/travel/kansai-proves-barrier-travel

Suzanne Kamata author of:

Love You to Pieces: Creative Writers on Raising a Child with Special Needs

Call Me Okaasan: Adventures in Multicultural Mothering

https://www.amazon.com/Call-Okaasan-Adventures-Multicultural-Mothering/dp/1932279334

found out about her from:

The Broken Bridge: Fiction from Expatriates in Literary Japan

https://www.amazon.com/Broken-Bridge-Fiction-Expatriates-Literary-ebook/dp/B004BLKEUA

Donald Richie along with Helio and Carlos Gracie and maybe Christopher Doyle on a charitable day are the only modern non-Japanese people to contribute on a cultural level that I can think of off the top of my head.

Free today only 8/4/2019 #amazonkindle (Kindle eBook) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1080363998

Rollercoasters and Sons: A Single Father's Foster Care and Adoption Journey

A personal reflection on the ups and downs and in-betweens on the road to adoption for a gay man. In writing this book, my goal is to help others (straight or gay) who are interested in taking the leap to better understand what happens throughout with courts, schools, biological family, and of course the children as well you - the individual.

Glad to be able to share. I look forward to your feedback 😉.

No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury is great for general (ie not just foster) child discipline.

It’s U.K. based but we’ve got a lot out of The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Z-Therapeutic-Parenting-Strategies-Solutions/dp/1785923765/ref=nodl_)

Would highly recommend anything relating to trauma and brain development or therapeutic parenting. Check out Dan Hughes, who came up with a concept called PACE.

Enjoy! And good luck with the fostering application. My wife and I started the journey aged 29, and are so glad we started early :)

Congrats on both children!

We had something similar happen to us... adopted and then "surprise" biological child about a year later, just like "everyone told us" as well just like all the books said it would happen this way. We were more then happy to build our family this way. The whole experience has been awesome!

I don't know if you have heard of it or seen it, but I found this book to be helpful. Just one of the dozen plus books we read as we got ourselves ready.

A) Might not be appropriate for gift because I think the title is poorly chosen, but this book can really help understand what's going on:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Cant-Child-Behave-Strategies-ebook/dp/B00ESJCG7Y

B) yeah I think it's OK once you get an idea of what they need/like/have room for

C) I wish I was aware of how long everything takes as far as the case goes. Don't ask for updates, it just gets exhausting to talk about. Just assume you will be told important things. And on the flip side, don't be surprised if a placement very quickly goes somewhere else.

One of the best books is [To the End of Jone] (http://www.amazon.com/To-End-June-Intimate-American-ebook/dp/B009JWCRJC) which is an account of the New York City foster care system. It reads like a novel, but is jam packed with info.

Also, some great resources on the web:
http://www.casey.org/resources/publications/pdf/WhitePaper_ImprovingOutcomesOlderYouth_FR.pdf
https://www.davethomasfoundation.org/
http://casey.org/resources/publications/directory/subject/

Also check out the book "Finding Our Families" It's about donor conceived kids. What it's like to be them, what it's like to raise them, research regarding being/raising them. It's written out of the sperm donation world (which is what we're using), but there is a lot of great info and insight that I think applies to any donor type.

There are a few main ways to become an adoptive parent: Foster-to-Adopt, domestic private adoption, international adoption. I know the least about international adoption, so I won't address that at all.

With Foster-to-Adopt, you can set parameters for children you are willing to foster. I have known people to foster babies straight from the hospital and then go on to adopt them. I think this is most likely to happen when the baby is born with clear drug exposure, so that is something you need to consider. (In-utero drug exposure is not quite as scary as many people think it is, but it definitely can have consequences, so do your research.) Also, when you foster you always know that the biological family may fix the problems that led them to lose custody, and you may lose custody to them. The younger the child, the more likely I think this is to happen. You will have to decide if this is something you can handle.

For domestic adoptions, infants are more common than older kids. But this is quite expensive and can be time consuming. There is still risk with this approach - the mother may intend to have an adoption plan and then change her mind, and you may still lose some or all of the money you have invested in the process. (Remember that the money you pay your agency/attorney is for their services - you are not buying a baby, and if the mother decides to parent, those services you paid for still happened.)

Some resources that I have found helpful:

http://www.openadopt.org/about-us/resources Includes information about Open Adoption, drug exposure, transracial adoption, and more. (Other agencies have similar pages.)

"You Can Adopt" - An introductory book that covers some basic information about different ways to adopt and things to consider. There is not a lot of nitty-gritty info, but I found it to be a helpful place to start.

Best wishes!

First, let me say that I'm very sorry your family is going through this. It is toughest for your brother, but it isn't easy for you, and anger is very normal. Don't be too hard on your brother, yourself, or the rest of your family. My comment is going to focus on the adoption thing, which I'm guessing is a major part of why your brother is struggling, but people are complicated and that's probably not the only thing.

> It has never mattered one bit to me that he is adopted, I don't treat him any differently than I would treat any other sibling. He is my brother, there are no modifiers to that for me. [...] It just goes to show, my mom doesn't even view him as adopted, but just as one of her sons.

I know you mean this as an expression of acceptance and love, and in a lot of ways, that's what it is, but consider that this may be difficult for him. He knows he's adopted. He knows that when strangers see him with his family, they make assumptions about who he is--that they often don't think he is family. He knows that when strangers see him without his family, they make assumptions about what his family looks like. He won't ever be able to forget that he is adopted. Being an adoptee is usually tough enough already, but trans-racial adoptees have an entire additional set of struggles on top of that.

There's a video clip of one of the "Blue Eyes" sessions led by Jane Elliott, where she asks the Black students in the room, "Has any white person ever said to you 'I don't see you as black?'" One of the students answers "Every day!" "And what do you say to them?" "But I am."

You don't see him as different. But he is.

There are networks of trans-racial adoptees out there. Maybe you could put him in touch with an older trans-racial adoptee as a mentor. Someone who understands what he's going through. Additionally, maybe he would like to have relationships with people who have strong cultural ties to his birth culture--Vietnamese people who grew up in Vietnamese families.

Here are a couple of links for further reading.

http://theadoptedlife.com/2014/01/13/do-trans-racial-adoptees-know-anything-about-trans-racial-adoption/

http://www.npr.org/2014/01/26/266434175/growing-up-white-transracial-adoptee-learned-to-be-black

A book he might want to read (and you might want to read too):

http://www.amazon.com/In-Their-Own-Voices-Transracial/dp/0231118295

Yes, you use an adoption attorney.

I recommend this book it goes over different methods

Adopting in America: How to Adopt Within One Year (2018-2019 edition) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0795CBH8P/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_9EVYCbFQDBENA

This is a good book, it has some good insight from others who have been adopted https://www.amazon.com/Adoption-Triangle-Arthur-D-Sorosky/dp/0941770109

Your black child shouldn't be your first black friend. Go seek help from the black community. Buy black dolls, books, connect with people of color.

Read books. https://www.amazon.com/Their-Voices-Americans-Transracial-Adoption/dp/0231172214

Join transracial adoption groups online and in real life.

Learn how to do their hair. Don't say you're color blind. She should be raised as a black child

To the End of June by Cris Beam, beautiful book.
http://www.amazon.com/To-End-June-Intimate-American-ebook/dp/B009JWCRJC

We did not list family as references and instead listed friends and coworkers. We only told family once we were approved and it was almost a done deal.

My advice would be to avoid the subject at all costs. If/when that fails, buy her this book: https://www.amazon.com/Adoptive-Parents-Adoption-Relatives-Friends/dp/0982876505/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1483025086&sr=8-1&keywords=what+adoptive+parents.

Honestly, the family that wasn't immediately supportive still aren't. You may find yourself in a situation where you will need to choose your kids over your mom/family.

I've been looking at this one for a while. My favorite color is teal with a purple tint.

Legally Kidnapped: The Case Against Child Protective Services https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OO03Y64/

http://www.amazon.com/Legally-Kidnapped-Against-Protective-Services-ebook/dp/B00OO03Y64

This has been going on for a long time. There is a 2006 book about what moms who were coerced into giving up their children went through: The Girls Who Went Away

The above link goes to the paperback, not free, but the Kindle edition at

https://www.amazon.com/Rollercoasters-Sons-Fathers-Adoption-Journey-ebook/dp/B07V4ZJ8NB

is.