Reddit mentions of The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire (20th Anniversary Edition)

Try and see that stress as a source of energy. Stop telling yourself stories about it, and use it instead. Exercise, go perform an act of service, start a new, interesting hobby, read a book. Don't sit there and dwell about it.

If you want to dwell about it, then sit there and dwell about it. Here's what I recommend: First, just sit. Second, find where it feels bad. Third, take a deep breath and try and find a place where it feels good. Fourth, notice that in the same space of awareness there are some sensations that feel good and some sensations that feel bad. Finally, realize that's all there ever is, a series of sensations, sometimes pleasant, sometimes unpleasant, constantly arising and passing away, and then - of course -- the stories we tell ourselves about those sensations.

If you're familiar with the practice of metta, do some of that. Extend metta to yourself and your wife -- neither of you is above the other. Imagine that love is unconditional and extend it to her even in a situation involving the darkest of fantasies you may have, fears of her cheating, becoming physically intimate with another, leaving you. Love her through it all. And love yourself through it all. She's free to make her own choices, and so are you. You are in a relationship, meaning that you co-exist in relation to one another. That relationship is never the same in any two moments.

Getting "married" and saying some vows doesn't create some magical bond that prevents bad things from happening. For some, the idea of marriage, and belief in the sanctity of it, impress powerfully on the mind and can ensure that intentions remain wholesome and positive. Others don't feel as strongly about the concept or cling to that belief. Neither is right or wrong. The point is: You're creating your relationship in each moment. It's always changing, and since you're in relation, you bear responsibility for that.

So, here you are now, in this moment. You feel bad. Again, use that. Get stronger. Become more confident. Learn to face fear. Everybody wants fear and stress to go away. That's weak minded. Let the fear stay. Invite it in. Anybody can exist peacefully when fear is absent, but courageous minds act even when they are afraid, even when stressed. They stare fear down and say "I love you, thanks for guiding me, for giving me energy, and helping to show me the way."

Get it together. Moping, stressing. What a waste of time. If you want some books to read, here are a few I suggest: The Five Love Languages. The concepts in that book are sound and will give you some clues on how to start expressing your love in your relationship more effectively. The Way of the Superior Man -- a classic that will give you some new perspectives on your relationship and what it means in the grand scheme of things.

PM me if you want some more advice or want to chat. For what it's worth, I had about a three-year hardcore, awakening-oriented meditation practice going, when I learned that my wife was actually cheating on me. I immediately forgave her and moved mountains to try and save the relationship for the sake of ourselves and our three-year old son. She left anyway to pursue the affair, and we got divorced. The divorce was quick and amicable. She and I remained friends despite it all. I'm even friendly with the new guy -- the affair partner -- who moved in with her just a few months later. I've seen some shit, friend. ;)

Thick Face Black Heart is good for Business and Relationships:
https://www.amazon.com/Thick-Face-Black-Heart-Philosophy-ebook/dp/B00FOTS6LW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1500983117&sr=8-1&keywords=thick+skin+black+heart

This book helped me understand why men behave the way they do:
https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Challenges-Anniversary/dp/1622038320/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1500983353&sr=1-1&keywords=the+way+of+the+superior+man+david+deida

There are a ton of others but these two should pretty much cover the basics

> My experience is that ideas about masculinity and femininity are wildly conditioned by society and culture to the point of being so meaningless that they have never been useful ideas to me.

This is not what I am referring to.

Masculinity and femininity in the way I refer to them are not ideas.

Check out The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire. Highly recommend it.

If anyone wants a “healthy” book on masculinity, I highly recommend “The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire” https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Challenges-Anniversary/dp/1622038320

Idk about a stoic approach. But I'm reading The Way of the Superior Man(https://www.amazon.com/dp/1622038320/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_RZ08AbW0ZMF93) and the way it handles women emotions it's quite peculiar, I recommend you give it a try.

You might check out The Way of the Superior Man It has quite a bit of relationship advice that worked for us for a few years. We did finally divorce, but this book and others by David Deida did help us when we were going through some real struggles as we made our way out and had 2 more kids. I think reading Deida also helped us communicate during and after the divorce even. It just overall improved our communication.

Edited to add: 20th Anniversary Edition

Intimate Communion is good too, but I wouldn't read it without reading the other one first.

Take a look at this book.

The Way Of The Superior Man, David Deida
https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Challenges-Anniversary/dp/1622038320

Or find it free on the internet, like here:
https://archive.org/stream/pdfy-TIGwEuUmNnQVm7x7/The+Way+Of+The+Superior+Man_djvu.txt

Also...

> I will just end it nicely and talk to somebody else.

This is beta-speak for quitting as soon as you don't know what to say next. Lot of field reports of guys being boring, using corny lines, having too much space, not speaking, or taking fitness tests too seriously and quit at the first sign of resistance.


> I have no idea about IOI's or any of that stuff.

Keep reading more books. Until then, assume everything is an IOI and you are just irrationally and comically confident. That in itself can be deemed as being funny and attractive alone. Keep going.


These books are largely secular, so pick out the sin nature of some of the goals.

How to Win Friends and Influence People (general conversation) https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034

Book of Pook https://www.amazon.com/Book-Pook/dp/1980603154

Way of the Superior May https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Challenges-Anniversary/dp/1622038320

[The Way of the Superior Man] (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Way-Superior-Man-Challenges-Anniversary/dp/1622038320/)

PDF

Please could you ask him if he has read this and this? Sounds like he has....they basically describe exactly what you're talking about.

To be yourself is a quest which takes different people differently long to succeed. Many people grow up stealing from this persona, that cliche, and take instructions from that authority. To finally be left with what makes intrinsically you is not easily done.

I would suggest reading this The way of the superior male. Sounds blase and sexist at times, but it holds valid ideas for both genders.

Also try analysing what it is you want to do, what you should do and what others want you to do. Even if it may feel odd at first, focusing on what it is you actually want to do, you get to know the real you better and better.

Take the initiative and be the leader and schedule a couple counselling sessions before it gets worse. The words you say to each other can never be taken back, and your marriage will die a slow death by a thousand tiny cuts. For yourself, read The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. It will change your life. Link below.

https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Challenges-Anniversary/dp/1622038320