Reddit mentions of In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness

> If this goes on for days, I progressively end up in a more depressed/helpless state. Making decisions gets difficult, even something as simple as picking an item off a menu. Confidence at work or with any other hobbies gets low enough that I stop doing or achieving much of anything.

This is a very classic "freeze" response, also known as dissociation. Basically, if you're pushed into fight/flight long enough or persistently enough, you'll start freezing up. That makes it difficult to concentrate, difficult to connect to other people, and even difficult to take concrete actions like picking something up. It's one end of trauma-related emotional disregulation, with the other being fight/flight/anxiety/anger. It's very common for unchecked verbal aggression to put people into a state like that. It's also decently likely that you have some form of trauma history that made you more vulnerable to freezing up like that, and that made it difficult for you to get angry enough to push back when she becomes verbally aggressive with you. I'd suggest reading In An Unspoken Voice to learn more about how we get stuck in these fight/flight/freeze responses.

> The only consistent recommendation I see, besides medication, is DBT. What does that mean, for someone without good access to medical care? Buy her a workbook and tell her to read it?

You could try to do that, but it doesn't sound like she has either a lot of insight into how her behavior is harmful or a strong motivation to change. Most likely the best thing that you can do is to focus on improving your own ability to advocate for yourself, to understand what's happening in this situation, and to get clarity about your own conscious and unconscious patterns of thinking and reacting that keep you stuck in this situation. This is unfortunately a "put your own oxygen mask on first" kind of situation.

On another note, DBT might actually be really helpful for you. One area it covers is emotional regulation, or learning to work on your emotional responses so that you can respond in a way that fits the situation. That includes learning about the different basic emotion types (Anger/Shame/Fear/Guilt/Envy/Happiness/Sadness/Love/Jealousy), learning when they fit the facts of a situation, and also learning to recognize when you're skipping past the appropriate emotional reaction and jumping to another one. For example, it sounds like when your wife gets angry at you over nothing, you skip right past anger and into fear/shame/sadness. If you can afford it or are covered, it might be worth finding a DBT therapist to help you work on that. If you can't, this is the workbook that my therapist used with me.

> What can a person like me do to be more resilient to verbal aggression/abuse?

Learning to set boundaries for yourself is probably the key skill to get started with. There's a lot of confusion about boundaries out there. Sometimes it sounds like it's something that other people are responsible for ("they should respect my boundaries"), or that they're responsible for enforcing them once we communicate them. Instead, a boundary is an action that we commit to take ourselves in order to maintain our self-respect and ability to function. It could be something like "If someone is yelling at me or calling me names, then I will leave the area." Frequently, it's helpful to have a series of planned boundary-maintaining actions so that you don't have to take drastic action off the bat -- so in that example, you could plan to first ask the person to stop yelling, then leave the room if they won't stop, then leave the house if they follow you and keep yelling, then stay somewhere overnight if they keep yelling when you come back, then move out temporarily if they won't stop when you come back, then end the relationship if you can't come back without being yelled at.

Other times when people talk about boundaries it sounds like we should just already know what our boundaries are, when in reality it's a really messy difficult heart-breaking process to discover first that something is unacceptable to you and then that you're willing to enforce a boundary to prevent it. There may be significant new emotions or memories of past situations that you have to become comfortable with in order to -- for example, you may be deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being alone or seeing someone else suffering when they claim that it's your fault, and it may be related to difficulties in your childhood or past that seem similar.

There's also a significant chance that you've internalized at some level that you're responsible for your wife's emotional reactions, or that you've done something wrong, or that this is normal. So there's a significant ongoing rediscovery aspect where you'll revisit past relationship conflicts and go "Wait, that's not my fault at all!"

The other thing you can do is to look into whether you might be exhibiting codependent behaviors or in a trauma bond. No More Mr Nice Guy is a decent guide to working on this, although it's a little bit much to handle if you're still in the thick of it emotionally. You can also read When I Say No I Feel Guilty.

> What's the healthy approach towards me getting some kind of support system/network?

Keep on posting here regularly, for one. You can also take a look at /r/Divorce (I've been assuming from the comments from your friends that you're married -- apologies if I'm getting that wrong). I assume you've seen /r/BPDlovedones/ , but it might be worth reading their recommended resources. Work on exercising regularly, see a therapist or couples therapist if you can, try talking to any friends you have that haven't been dismissive before. A light 10-20 minute/day meditation practice might be helpful with learning about your thoughts and emotions, but there can be complications with large amounts of meditation if you have a trauma history or are in a stressful situation (see this book and this guide if you want to pursue that route).

Also just spend time with friends and social groups even if they're not resources for talking about your relationship. It can be important to remember that social relationships can just be fun/light and to provide a counterbalance.

> So... is there any healthy middle ground between "suffer through it, don't talk about it, relationships take work" and "run away, AWALT, borderlines are crazy"?

The middle ground is to work on asserting your boundaries, understanding and accepting your emotions, building a healthy set of activities and friends, and getting clear on what's acceptable to you. If it turns out that you have a trauma history, then something like somatic experiencing or EMDR can help you start to heal from that and become more confident. As you become more confident and assertive, set more boundaries, and work for the kind of relationship that you want, then you'll see w

Do you have kids together? If you don't, the standard answer to just go ahead and leave is probably "right" -- there doesn't sound like there's much good happening for you here. But the problem with "just leave" is that it's all or nothing, and doesn't provide you with an incremental path to building the skills and self-knowledge that will allow you to actually leave.

If you do have kids together, then "just leave" is definitely a bit tougher. This sort of situation can be a kind of crucible that allows for immense personal growth, or can just beat you down.

A couple resources that may help with clarifying the stay/leave question are:

• Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. This is a workbook with diagnostics for what relationships can be fixed vs should be ended. If you read it and your answers come out as overwhelmingly leave, then do your utmost to just leave, even if you have to move out while she's not there, text a breakup note, and ask your friends to help you.
  
  
• Wired For Love discusses attachment theory and adult relationship dynamics.
  
  
  Good luck and we'd love to keep on hearing how you're doing!

Wow. Thanks for sharing this HUGE milestone of progress with us. =) I am so fucking proud of you right now. Very big shoulderpat to you. I'm also currently working on my complex PTSD.

Besides, the nature of trauma is that it is a temporary adaptation to dysfunctional stress that is "meant" to go away. The reason some people have chronic trauma (=PTSD) is that they haven't yet found the resources to heal it, and NOT because trauma per se is not curable! Of course, depending on the severity some levels of traumatization are so severe that the treatment will not be able to heal the patient entirely just because of the sheer amount, but regular trauma IS healable and triggers CAN GO AWAY ENTIRELY. I can personally confirm this. (I had sexual abuse PTSD and complex PTSD from childhood. The first one is 80% healed, the second one 60% maybe? I've been in intensive therapy for 2 years.)

If you want you can read "in an unspoken voice" by Peter Levine. It is a very well written book about trauma and how trauma is stress that is "blocked" in the system, but once it is allowed to flow again, the system can return to its normal state. http://www.amazon.com/Unspoken-Voice-Releases-Restores-Goodness/dp/1556439431/

ok

Firstly, if you are not seeing a trauma specialized therapist I highly suggest you consider seeing one. Just from your description it sounds like your issues are above the pay-grade of your current clinicians, or they are not putting in the proper amount of effort. The fact that you have so many complicating issues and your clinicians are not understanding why you having these shutdowns is a big red flag that something is amiss with them. I presume that you are being open and honest with them about all of your current issues, and that they know about your history of abuse/trauma.

You should also definitely do some reading about borderline personality disorder.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but absolutely, positively stay away from any drugs, even legal ones like alcohol. You are a perfect candidate for death by addiction, unfortunately.

Here are a few books that you might find useful:

https://www.amazon.com/Feel-Fear-Do-Anyway/dp/0345487427

https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131

https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Workbook-Mind-Body-Regaining/dp/1623158249

https://www.amazon.com/Unspoken-Voice-Releases-Restores-Goodness/dp/1556439431

https://www.amazon.com/Pocket-Guide-Polyvagal-Theory-Transformative/dp/0393707873

I strongly suggest you try to get some serious headway on your issues BEFORE you try going to college. It might be worth taking a year or two off and just working and going to therapy/working on issues before you attempt to go to college full time.


Do you happen to live in a very religious area? Do you have a very religious family?

What's cool about this is that you can see the 'emergence panic' from the fight/flight/fold response.

He passes out at 1:02 - when he wakes up again at 1:18 he starts flailing his arms. Same thing happens at 1:36 (though he's out much more briefly), flailing again at 1:39.

This is described in Levine's Unspoken Voice. If fight or flight aren't an option and the fear is too much, we fold - pass out, freeze, dissociate. When you emerge from this state, you get a burst of energy.

This has been seen in the wild - stunned animal dragged away by a predator, but suddenly gets up and runs the hell out of there in a blind panic.

Now that many of our worst fears are social, we don't have the same outlets. What do you run away from when you're terrified of getting fired on Monday, or that your partner is cheating?

It also looks like the Moro reflex.

I wrote an article about how a retreat helped me but like I said in the article the Healing Codes may just be all in my head. link

Sadly I know only of therapeutic methods for other techniques to get over depression.

https://www.amazon.com/Stubbornly-Yourself-Miserable-Anything-yes-Anything-ebook/dp/B008FQJOG2/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

Preview of Albert Ellis

https://www.amazon.com/Unspoken-Voice-Releases-Restores-Goodness/dp/1556439431/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

Preview of Peter Levine

Been reading a book Possums aren't the only ones to go into a state of immobility... Apparently humans can too...

Here's a newer book from the author Levine: http://www.amazon.com/Unspoken-Voice-Releases-Restores-Goodness/dp/1556439431 Highly recommended for learning about processing through trauma.

I would agree with pamplemus. It's worth going in and talking with someone who is trained in PTSD treatment. If you can't afford that (I couldn't during a lot of my rough patches), then I suggest you start reading whatever you can get your hands on. In just the same way that my post made you feel "found" or "understood," I found that reading from some of the top minds in the field of healing and recovery helped me a LOT. One book that did me a lot of good was "In An Unspoken Voice" by Peter A Levine, PhD. Here is a link to the book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/In-Unspoken-Voice-Releases-Restores/dp/1556439431/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_y

[I highly recommend this book on how trauma/shame and the nervousness system work together] (https://www.amazon.com/Unspoken-Voice-Releases-Restores-Goodness/dp/1556439431)

It's quite interesting, I have chronic fatigue syndrome and think my trauma is mostly to blame. Luckily I don't have pain as well, the fatigue is enough.

You might want to just read a bit at a time, sounds like you have a lot going on right now. Hope it helps.