#5,210 in Health, fitness & dieting books
Use arrows to jump to the previous/next product
Reddit mentions of The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense
Sentiment score: 1
Reddit mentions: 12
We found 12 Reddit mentions of The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense. Here are the top ones.
or
Specs:
| Number of items | 2 |
| Weight | 1.543235834 Pounds |
No therapy is probably going to make this harder. Have you looked into anti anxiety medication with your GP? Even if it's to get the edge off while you try to work things out?
​
Anyways, fellow depression/anxiety/lashes out when stressed sufferer here. There's a couple of things that have helped for me:
- Build alternative communication skills. One of my biggest problems was that I didn't know how to properly voice my issues with my SO or anybody else for that matter. My first method of action was being passive aggressive or snide. When I realized what I was doing, I jumped to the other extreme and bottled it all up. Can't ruin things if you're not saying anything, amiright?! But then that would just explode later and cause more problems. A book that helped me very much is Crucial Conversations. It speaks about the thinking fallacies people tend to have (choosing between being honest and being nice), common communication mistakes and a step by step plan on how you can bring hard topics to the table. I use these basics in normal conversations too, when the "stakes" aren't as high. Having an alternative method for me to switch to, instead of my old ones, really helped.
- Change your internal narrative. Another thing that has been absolutely exhausting to deal with is the constant internal monologue about not being good enough, nice enough, kind enough. I should, I need to, if I was a great person I would... If you constantly beat yourself down, you stay down and words have meaning and a certain weight on their own. If I keep telling myself that I suck and I was an idiot for doing xyz, that feeling will stay. I would strongly advice reading A Guide to Rational Living by Albert Ellis. It's a bit of an old book, but I felt like they guy described perfectly what goes on inside my head. By telling yourself that you did something "less than ideal" instead of "incredibly stupid" you kind of take the edge off the situation. I know it sounds stupid, but I've been trying to get into the habit of this and found that after a while I went from having a meltdown of "OMG HOW COULD I BE SUCH AN IDIOT, I WILL NEVER LEARN?!" to facepalming, sighing at myself and be very firm in doing better next time. The energy I save with that, that I would otherwise have wasted, is very useful for other things.
- Change your external narrative. Words have a meaning and interpretations. Sometimes we're raised with ways of phrasing things and don't even realize what exactly it is we're saying. I found that I had a tendency of trying to subconsciously manipulate those around me through language. Basically shoving my feelings onto someone else, so they would make me feel better. Obviously things like bullying are big, clear markers, but there's a lot more subtle ways that people do it and don't even realize. The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense by Suzette Elgin discusses how one would use language against others without being overly aggressive. It made me realize how people were actually manipulating me, but also how I was manipulating them. Have you ever used something like "Well, if you really loved me you would..." or "Even someone like you would understand...". Big communication nono's, but because they're not as aggressive like "You're a bitch" or "Get fucked", people tend to not notice them. By recognizing these patterns being used on you and you using themselves, you can stop using them but also learn tools on how to deal when someone uses them on you.
- Self reflect, self reflect, self reflect. Through my education I was forced to constantly look at my strong and weak points. I had to write assessments twice a year on what I did right and wrong, with proof. And believe me, if you either had an assessment that was all negative or all positive the teachers would have a talk with you about how well you were reflecting. Then after college I landed in a job where every year I had to do the exact darn thing. What had I learned this year? What did I improve since last year? What are my goals for next year? How do I plan to achieve those goals and why did I have those goals? What are reasonable, doable steps to not only achieve the goals, but to also improve some weaknesses? Again, and again, and again. It's hard to say you suck and can't do anything write and you don't have any good qualities when you're forced to look at yourself and point out what your good qualities are. You start usually with small or general things like "well... I'm always on time to work" or "well... I don't maim animals." While I learned this through circumstances, a friend recommended Acceptance: Time to Self-Reflect for Personal Growth by Dr. Olivia Miller as a good starting point. Where are you at now and where do you want to be next year around this time? How are you planning on getting there? What are small, reasonable steps to get there?
- Get to know yourself. Last tip I can give you is that YOU focus on YOU first. Do you have a clear self image of who you are? What do you want in life? What are your likes and dislikes? What would your ideal self and world be 2, 5, 10 years from now? Would you want to be a successful writer? Would you rather have traveled the globe? Or be a doctor, communication expert at a company, mother of 2 kids, have 2 dogs and a cat? People who don't have a clear outline of who they are, tend to be less secure and more often to lash out to others. Having a relationship with someone, while you don't like or know yourself tends to be a disaster. Because people will tend to try and get an identity or validation through the other person to feel good. Then when that other person does something away from the partner (like go on an outing with friends, talk to another person of the opposite gender or just not pick up the phone) the partner become insecure and might lash out because of it. This combines with the self reflecting, who ARE you? What do YOU want? Things like self confidence and high self esteem are nice and dandy, but they can't exist if you don't have a good idea of who you are. Start with looking at yourself first, before looking at your SO. Start small: what food do you like and dislike? What's your favorite color? Favorite way of eating an egg? Then build up the scale: Do you want a pet? Cat or a dog or something completely different? How many? Go higher again: Do you want kids? If so, why and how many? Would you like to be married? Why or why not? And higher again: What do you look for in a spouse? What would your ideal career look like? Until you've got a clear picture of who you are.
Obviously there's a lot of other stuff you can do, but I'd start with those five and go from there.
We attract the bullies because they sense that we're vulnerable to psychological warfare. They test us with little digs and jabs, and when we don't push back and there are no bad consequences, they just keep ramping up the aggression. If we get anxious or have meltdowns, all the better. It's a status/dominance thing that makes them feel powerful.
Many years ago my therapist at the time recommended a book that helped me cope, called "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense". I haven't read it a long time, and it may sound a little old-fashioned now, but it has helped a lot of people. I recommend it.
The author, Suzette Elgin, has written several other books on the same theme, including "More on the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" and "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work." All three are probably available in your local library.
Elgin is a linguist, not a psychologist, so she doesn't get into trying to understand the psychology of the abusers. Instead she focuses on teaching you good comebacks and simple scripts, skills for recognizing and deflecting verbal hostility.
However, sometimes that's exactly what's needed. I found that as I get better at dealing with those kinds of superficial verbal attacks it reduced the chance that the "mean girl" types would see me as an easy victim, so they were less likely to escalate their aggression.
.
Since we're on this subject, I'm going to indulge in a mini-rant...
What I really don't understand is why so many managers put up with this sort of crap. A single person with a poisonous personality can lower morale and increase turnover in the typical work unit a lot. That lowers productivity and hurts the manager's performance. I don't care how much some jerk sucks up to a manager, tolerating abuse of other employees is just not worth it.
Hubs and I have 10 employees and we wouldn't tolerate anyone in our crew being shitty to any of the others. We depend too much on everyone being part of a high-performing team. Replacing & training good people takes a ton of our time and is really expensive, so we won't tolerate anyone who increases turnover.
Having just one person quit suddenly in the middle of a rush job could hurt us a LOT, so it's super important for us to hire people who are skilled AND who are decent to each other. There's no way we would put up with the kind of drama queen who seems to be able to get away with crapping on their co-workers in so many "normal" NT workplaces.
/rant off
Anyway, I really hope your new job works out well. You've hit 2 bad ones in a row, so if there's any justice in the world you're way overdue for a positive result.
Best of luck! <3
I have heard good things about this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Gentle-Art-Verbal-Self-Defense/dp/0880290307
It may be of help to you when these encounters cannot be avoided or prevented.
Yessir, that's a good way of putting it.
>May I ask how you worked on your social skills and networking?
Absolutely! First I read a bunch of books and articles, which I'll list for you below. Second I got a job that requires a lot of social interaction. And third I made a very dedicated effort to do more social things.
(Wow, I didn't realize how large this list was going to be. So I'm going to very highly recommend the first three books and just say that everything else is going to be beneficial, but not really necessary. You don't have to go nearly as deep as I did to get good results.)
How to Win Friends and Influence People
How to Talk to Anyone
What EveryBODY is Saying
---
Never Eat Alone
The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense
Argumentation and Debate
What to Say When You're Dying on the Platform
The Quick and Easy Way to Effective Speaking
The Art of Framing
This article
This documentary on body language
This video on body language
This ebook
/r/socialskills
This website
This video
This video
This video
A lot of Craig Ferguson interviews (especially the lady ones)
Etiquette
Please check out the following books for more info on assertive language:
And see Lifehack's article "10 Powerful Books That Can Teach You How To Deal With Narcissists"
> how have you handled situations where your SO said something hurtful while she was upset?
After she calms down, I ask her what she meant and we talk about it then. Cruel things, said in the heat of passion, can't be taken back. But you can talk them to death. Stay away from declarative denunciations (such as your example of divorced parents) and stick to a recipe like "when you say X, I feel Y". This way it stops being confrontational and lets you process the feelings and focus on what was said/meant.
The book you refer to is pretty bad. Much better books that discuss gendered communication are You Just Don't Understand, That's Not What I Meant and many of the books in Elgin's series of books with Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense in the title.
If you think that you are being emotionally/verbally abused, Suzette Haden Elgin has a few other books covering that, like You Can't Say That To Me and How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable. Additionally, read Emotional Vampires and In Sheep's Clothing.
the gentle art of verbal self defense has helped me a lot. basically, many verbal attacks are indirect attacks, where the insult/attack is not explicit, but rather implied. you can usually recognize when you are being attacked by the impulse to defend yourself verbally. You can not win by getting defensive! Because the attack was implied, the attacker has plausible deniability if he/she is called out on their shit. the attacker will then try to make you look like the crazy one, say you are overly sensitive, that you misinterpreted, etc.
here's the book http://www.amazon.com/The-Gentle-Art-Verbal-Self-Defense/dp/0880290307
here's a quick study guide http://elfwreck.homecircle.org/stuph/VSD_Basics.pdf
i have only given the book a quick read a few years ago and have still it has helped a lot of situations.
another thing is to get familiar with patterns of emotionally abusive behavior. one thing i have had to work on in setting boundaries and not getting myself drawn into certain people's constant crises.
I'd try to keep going with the empathy kick you were on -- try to both hold empathy for how much pain they must have experienced in order for them to feel the need to be so manipulative and controlling, but also simultaneously feel limitless empathy for the parts of you that feel vulnerable and unprotected when you experience their manipulation. When you've got some core trauma, it doesn't work to try to pick and choose who or what deserves compassion -- then you just end up with a "good/strong/approved" part that's split off from the parts of you that really most deserve and need your empathy. So universal compassion is really the only way out, especially if you're internalizing other people's emotions.
It can also help to work on setting up systematic boundaries to limit the extent to which you allow yourself to be manipulated by them -- When I Say No, I Feel Guilty is good, and I've heard good things about The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense.
Mandatory reading:
Mandatory practicing, for people watching:
Mandatory practicing, for getting the PHB to agree with you:
Hey, mods how about putting these in the sidebar?
https://www.amazon.com/Gentle-Art-Verbal-Self-Defense/dp/0880290307
http://www.amazon.com/Gentle-Art-Verbal-Self-Defense/dp/0880290307
http://www.amazon.com/Gentle-Art-Verbal-Self-Defense-Work/dp/0735200890
You can get the audio book for wither one at audible.com, I used to have the same problem and the key for me was being organized with my thoughts and knowing what to say next. The jitters I found were a sign of panic and frustration, it all went away when i became more adept at articulating my point without using profanity or being redundant. Things like that made me feel like I was losing an argument or what have you.
The idea is not to need to flip tables, but to have said "No" firmly three months earlier and meant it.(All biblical refernces aside). Sometimes a tiny bit of conflict (you may not talk to me like that) stops an avalanche of fury down the tracks ( I fucking hate the way you talk to me).
May I suggest the books of Suzette Helgin ? They're a bit old now, but are absolutely solid on spotting verbal manipulation and de-escalating it. The problem of people pushing you around, or using your religion to manipulate you can often be undone with a few well-chosen words.
And lastly, Your job is not to balance out the cosmic scales of doom and nastiness by scrunching yourself down and being "nice". Your job is to shine so that other people can see by your light.