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Reddit mentions of Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It

Sentiment score: 15
Reddit mentions: 30

We found 30 Reddit mentions of Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It. Here are the top ones.

Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It
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Found 30 comments on Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It:

u/never_armadilo · 24 pointsr/datascience

So, almost everyone here says you should not renegotiate. I am going to disagree with that and say you never lose anything by negotiating, unless you do it very, very wrong.

Couple points:

  • At this point, they sunk a lot of time and effort to find you, they won't rescind the offer, they will just say no to the raise
  • Negotiating when you're working there is going to be more difficult than now. Plus there's nothing stopping you from doing both
  • Salary negotiations will be forgotten by anyone about a month in. You're not setting yourself up to fail by asking for more
  • If they say anything other than "That sounds like a lot" to your initial offer, you've low balled yourself. Especially if they respond with something along the lines of "Seems reasonable".

    On how to actually phrase this: I like your approach, and would say being honest is usually good policy. When you get the call with their offer, you can say something like: "Thanks for the offer. Based on the interview process and research I've done, I really think I'd enjoy working with the team, <more reasons why you like company >. I really appreciate your offer of X. However, upon doing further research on the salaries among my peers, it seems top companies in this area are paying between <your new range, low end ~+20% of their offer>". And then you shut up and wait for their response. Couple things can happen:

  • they come back and say "sure", give you lower end of new range. Success!
  • they come back and say "can't do that, <reasons>", and meet you half way or don't budge at all. This is your decision now. Either accept or push them further. Just note that pushing after a "no" might actually cost you the offer

    Couple points on how to do the negotiation:

  • always give them a way to say no without loosing face. Don't say "Give me 60k, or I go to your competitor" or "Anything below 60k is unreasonable".
  • express a lot of interest and excitement about the job. The goal is to convey you really like the company and role, and it's now just the money that stands in the way
  • if they don't budge on salary at all, try asking what other things they can do. Maybe you can get a hiring bonus, extra vacation, whatever matters to you. Might be easier for them to provide and as valuable to you

    Good luck!

    Source: Analytics team manager, hired several people over the years and been in your position more than once. I never once lost the offer because of negotiation. I got paid much less than my peers at the same company because I didn't negotiate several times.

    Also, if you're curious about the topic, I'd recommend a book called Never split the difference. Explains a lot of negotiation dynamics in great detail, but gives very applicable tips
u/allsop207 · 17 pointsr/CommercialRealEstate

While it's not directly CRE related, I like Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss. It's a hostage negotiator's take on human behavior and how to capitalize on the innate tendencies of people under pressure. Kind of a cross between the Netflix series Mindhunter and a sales book. Definitely fun to read if you're in to criminal history, but also useful for the give-and-take of CRE deals.

u/snapxynith · 12 pointsr/SocialEngineering

As you realize becoming great at social skills is just like training any other skill. Realizing you can train it will allow you to build the skill stronger than others who stumble into it. So many will say you can't get better or amazing by reading in a chair. They're right. Read a little, apply a lot, take notes, then review what you did right and what you did wrong, repeat. Get a mentor or training buddy if you can, it accelerates learning, because we can't see ourselves the same as those outside us can. Make a regimen to go out, greet and meet people every day. Or at least three times a week minimum, make it a habit.

I can tell you that I've been in customer service and sales jobs, they taught me nothing because my skills were garbage and sub-par. So I didn't have a paddle for my raft in the world of social interaction. All I got was "people get irritated if I cold approach or try to sell them. Or worse I have to dump mountains of information to make them feel safe." So after studying for the better part of a decade, here's some points that got me to the basics and more advanced subjects. With the basics under your belt, then a job or daily practice will get you understanding and results.

First, learn how to steady yourself mentally, breathing exercise here. Breathing is important as we seem to be learning your heart rate and beat pattern determine more about our emotions than we'd like to admit.

Second, Accept and love yourself, (both those terms may be undefined or wishy-washy to you at the moment, defining them is part of the journey.) Because you can only accept and love others the way you apply it to yourself first.

Third, pick up and read the charisma myth. It has habits/meditations that will be a practice you use every day. I'd say a basic understanding will happen after applying them over three months. Never stop practicing these basics, they are your fundamentals. They determine your body language. The difference between a romantic gaze and a creepy stare is context of the meeting and body language, especially in the eyes.

Sales or cold approach networking will do the same for practice. If you do sales or meeting new people, it is a negotiation. You're trying to trade "value" (safety + an emotion). So if you figure out how to make yourself feel emotion, then inspire emotion in others, mutual agreements happen. Start with Why is a good reference. Here is a summary video. Chris Voss will help you find out that you don't tap into people rationally, you tap people emotionally, big think summary video. Or the full book treatment, Never Split the Difference. The supporting book for Chris Voss' position can be helped by reading Start With No

For training habits and understanding how we execute behaviors, Thinking, Fast and Slow

For dealing with hard arguments and heavy topics both Nonviolent Communication and Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

Learning what listening is, instead of "hearing" people. Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone is a good book for that. This is touched on in Never Split the Difference and in the Charisma Myth because true listening, making the person you are speaking with feel "listened to and understood" is most of what makes a charismatic person work.

u/ThrowAwayHorse22 · 9 pointsr/sex

Hey Johnny, I have a friend who is a similar situation and he cheated on his spouse. WAIT, keep reading, I'M NOT ACCUSING YOU OF ANYTHING. This is literally the nicest, most devoted guy I know, but one drunken night he accidentally got into a compromising position and cheated. The worst thing you can do to avoid this behavior is to think your above it. It's like a car crash, nobody thinks it will be them till it is. So admit to yourself that it's a possibility (not an eventuality) and maybe avoid booze and compromising situations.

But your actual problem isn't too hard to solve.

Obviously the only way this is going to get better is through communication. Which neither of you seem great at. She seems to dismiss your feelings which is a massive red flag for a LTR. But I'd wager your also expressing your feelings ineffectively. You need more assertive with your feelings. They matter. They aren't going away. Make sure she knows that.


Just as importantly as what you say, is how you say it.

The standard advice you will get on the sub is to use 'I' statements (I feel like dismiss my feelings) instead of 'you' statements (You dismiss my feelings all the time).
But that's very basics.

Read this

It's a book on negotiation by a FBI hostage negotiator. The key to hostage negotiation? Empathy and understanding. And this book teaches you how to express that effectively.

Now the book says to 'Never compromise'. But he's talking about business deals and hostage negotiation, YOU can compromise. You have to. Remember your playing the long game, and sexual awakening is a gradual process.

Other than that, therapy is very appropriate here. Shes sounds very sexually repressed, and you are a good candidates for some counselling. Just make sure you get a good one, a bad therapist is worst than no therapist.

u/ImNotBernieSanders · 6 pointsr/sales

Some things never change.

I was in your shoes about 15 years ago as a wide eyed, broke new comer being told to invest in my business by experienced financial advisors with big books of business and money to burn. Fortunately for me I had a fantastic manager/mentor who helped me build a financially and professionally rewarding career. Here's what I learned to invest in early on:

  1. Product knowledge - You should know your products inside out. Insurance/finance companies actually do a pretty good job of this as their wholesalers are constantly picking up lunch tabs to make sure advisors know their products well enough to push them. Take advantage of them. If there's something you don't know about a product then pick up the phone, call your wholesaler, and don't let him off the phone until you know it.

  2. Sales kills - 15 years in business and I'm continuously amazed at how little time is actually spent developing sales skills. Learn how to sell. Three books I'd recommend today are: Never Split the Difference, Your 1st Year in Sales, and The 12 Week Year. OK, they're not all sales books but knowing how to organize your life is vital.

  3. General insurance/financial knowledge - I know SO many advisors that don't know the first things about their industries. I read The Wall Street Journal every single day to keep abreast of what's going on in the industry. I have a handful of Google Alerts for different things regarding insurance, annuities, managed money, etc. I don't watch a lot of TV but most of what I watch is CNBC and Fox Business. I've also perused additional licenses and certifications. I have my Series 7 and CFP.

  4. Your appearance - Looks matter in sales. I'm always dressed professionally and exercise daily to relieve stress and, well, look good. My suits are always pressed and I cut my hair once a week because any longer and I look like Cousin It from the Addams Family.

  5. Relationships - I basically built my career off of friends and experienced agents who let me call their book of business for 50% of the commission. 50% of something is a lot better than 100% of nothing. Some of my biggest clients are friends who never knew they were on an appointment with me. Play your cards right and beers with the guy from high school you haven't seen in 15 years could result in him rolling over an old 401(k) to you and buying life insurance policies for him and his wife. Play your cards really right and he'll even spring for those beers.

    So at this point in your career investing in your business could look like going for a 3 mile run in the morning, running an iron over your shirt, and role playing your sales pitch with your manager when no one is answering their phones. As business comes you can invest further with a mailing campaign and some door knocking. When that turns to money look at things like seminars. Your wholesalers will be happy to cover the cost of food and do a presentation so long as you can fill a room with prospects for them. Etc.
u/resolutions316 · 5 pointsr/askMRP

Frame is a muddy concept that's able to be interpreted in multiple ways. It's hard to grasp because it means slightly different things to different people.

For me, frame is "the narrative a person has in their head about what's happening."

Different narratives can come into conflict; eventually, one will win out, when the other person starts to subtly accept the other person's narrative.

Useful books:

Frame Control

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

Never Split The Difference

u/dihard · 5 pointsr/JordanPeterson

I've been reading some books on negotiation/sales/persuasion. All these fields come to the same conclusion that the best/only way to persuade someone is to have them feel they led themself to your conclusion. If you don't do that you will only polarize further.

The best car salesman merely helps you discover on your own how much you want/need the car. This requires intense listening and understanding their position at a deep emotional level and showing empathy with their position.

An amazing book for this is Never Split The Difference. The author was the FBI's top negotiator and dealt with revolutionaries and criminals with the most polarized worldviews you can imagine and breaks down how he got them to turn. Changed the way I interact with almost everyone.

u/robertito42 · 5 pointsr/sysadmin

Offer a range, have the bottom end of the range be what you actually want. "I believe I can be an advocate for you in the company, and you could provide me with mentorship." (Gets them on your side by making them believe you're on their side.)

Listen to/read the first few chapters of this book, should only take a few hours: https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended-ebook/dp/B014DUR7L2

u/CPO_Guy · 5 pointsr/AskMen

You're dealing with an adrenaline dump and it's a completely normal physiological response. Stress inoculation is about the only way to get "used to it." You put yourself in the same or similar situations to illicit the fight or flight response until it's no longer that big of a deal. Box breathing (inhale for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, repeat...) is a good technique to help regulate yourself in a stressful situation. Communication is key when trying to deesculate a situation. The FBI Behavioral Change Stairway Model is a good one and the book Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss is a good read to learn more about how to employ it. Turning it over to your manager was a good move.

Martial arts can help, especially the ones where you train against a resisting opponent, because you'll develop confidence in yourself and your abilities. Boxing, Muay Thai, wrestling and BJJ are ones I would recommend. From a self defense aspect awareness, avoidance and deesculation should be your primary "go to's" though.

u/TL-PuLSe · 5 pointsr/fantasyfootball

Never Split the Difference was pretty good. The author, Chris Voss, was the FBI's chief international hostage and kidnapping negotiator.

u/BigMucho · 4 pointsr/userexperience

This is less of a UX market issue than it is about understanding how to negotiate salary. This may be a little late for this offer, but this book is amazing: "Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It" https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended-ebook/dp/B014DUR7L2 (edit to add link)

u/ItsAConspiracy · 3 pointsr/ethtrader

Actually I just read a book by a former lead hostage negotiator for the FBI, and it turns out they often do negotiate small cash payments to kidnappers.

u/MSCantrell · 3 pointsr/intj

You might get some value from Never Split The Difference

u/maksa · 3 pointsr/serbia

Pročitao Three Body Problem, sve tri knjige. Više ne gledam zvezdano nebo istim očima. Bez zezanja. ;)

Mimo toga kad stignem čitam Never Split The Difference, od noulajferske literature čitam neke dve Deep Learning knjige od kojih ću jednu da batalim i fokusiram se na drugu, kad stingem čitam Probably Aproximately Correct i LLVM Essentials. Od ove poslednje ću verovatno da odustanem za sada, troši dosta energije a ne osećam benefit na horizontu, kanim se da počnem Homo Deus: A Brief History of Tomorrow.

u/batbdotb · 3 pointsr/u_aweddity

Yep, sounds good. I read a number of books on the topic of negotiation and interpersonal communication. The main books which standout are Never Split the Difference and Crucial Conversations.

All these books have gems of information, at their core - they are really getting at two principles:

  1. Communicate with a specific outcome in mind.

  2. Be purposeful (conscious) in your communication.

    Outcome and purpose seem like the same thing, but they are actually different. The tools you mentioned seem to embody these principles.

    As far as how they would work in an online community - who knows. It could strengthen dialogue, or it could seem over-bearing. It would be an interesting experiment to try to enforce these communication styles.
u/onacloverifalive · 2 pointsr/science


It’s a semi-auto-biographical how to guide for dealing with irrational people written from the perspective of an FBI hostage negotiator. It’s useful for everything from buying a home, to counseling people, to parenting.

u/rktic909 · 2 pointsr/graphic_design

Hey atticusmass,

I understand your frustration very well. And I think your designs are well considered. Sub par doesn't come to my mind here.

The thing is:

You'll get into these situations again with other clients as well. It's up to you to handle them differently. In general: If a client gives you negative feedback it's your job to make them look forward positively to your next one. Or rather: to you.

What would a craftsman, who didn't solve your household problem to your satisfaction have to tell you to make you want him to come again and give it a second shot?

How did you approach them to get feedback? How did you present your work?
What was your facial expression like? What exactly offended you about the feedback? Which questions did you ask? Avoid "yes/no" ones by any means. Use open ones instead.

Insist that you can't work without their constructive input. But always remember:
“If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.” - Henry Ford.

As unfortunate as these situations are they offer an opportunity to learn something. Good luck!

Book recommendation: https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended-ebook/dp/B014DUR7L2

u/mkingsbu · 2 pointsr/recruitinghell

I highly recommend this book:


It's really sharpened not only my negotiation skills, but many every day interactions I've had with people, particularly employers etc. Very much worth the read.

u/simcity4000 · 2 pointsr/socialskills

Mirroring and labeling.

Basically most conflicts esculate because the other person feels like theyre not being heard. You can avoid or deesculate this by...just taking what they're saying and feeding it back to them.

So you identify their emotion and then say something like 'it sounds like you're...[angry]' 'it seems like youre upset because...[reason]' (use neutral observer language: it sounds like, it seems like, it looks like, etc, not 'I think youre angry' which is too personal and reads like a challenge)

This sounds patronising but when their emotions are up they aren't thinking straight enough to notice it, and they wont until they've calmed down, and they wont calm down until they've vented what is bothering them and had it acknowledged.

If this is successful there will be a tangible change in the energy, a slump as as they've 'got it out'. Then and only then is when you can start offering potential next steps.

Note that getting them to acknowledge whats bothering them isnt the same thing as agreeing that you will fix it. The trick is to get them agreeing that youve totally summarised their position and their emotions are totally valid while also making it clear you can/will make no promises to fix it.

Sources, (both talk about this concept)



u/Stephi1452 · 2 pointsr/Accounting

Try reading, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It https://www.amazon.com/dp/B014DUR7L2/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_G1PBDb1VP55FH

u/Legbacon · 2 pointsr/sales

Never Split the Difference, By Chris Voss
He is a retired Negotiator from the FBI.

u/paddyc · 1 pointr/growmybusiness

I like to read books that are not usually about business but see how the technicques and mindset applies. For example 'Never Split The Difference' is also a great book for learning negotiation skills (https://www.amazon.de/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended-ebook/dp/B014DUR7L2)

u/BillWeld · 1 pointr/AMA

Just saw Never Split the Difference. Are you familiar with it? Like it?

u/beowulfpt · 1 pointr/personalfinance

The fact that those were old is totally irrelevant. Too much emphasis on that. They were sales people. And you can beat them in their weasel game. Read something like Never split the difference for a start.

Also, I have to add that amazingly, there are exceptions. I know sales people who are actually after a profit/living like all of us but are still relaxed and pretty decent human beings with enough empathy to avoid being evil just to line their pockets - truly looking for win-win scenarios where they make some and you're well served.

u/BenChode · 1 pointr/videos

This actually illustrates the logic of 'getting to no' instead of yes:



u/no_re-entry · 1 pointr/AmItheAsshole

My pleasure friend!

Best negotiations I ever had were from me standing my ground and saying "I appreciate the offer, that really is super generous of you, but unfortunately that doesn't work for me." then they end up trying to compromise but if it's enough you need to say something to that effect again. Sometimes you even have to say "no" more than once in a negotiation to get where you need to be.

If you want to get some handy tips for negotiations I highly recommend Never Split the Difference. It's written by a highly successful ex-FBI hostage negotiator and has a wealth of information. I've reread it three times now just to make sure it sticks.