(Part 2) Reddit mentions: The best emotional self help books

First, congratulations. Father of 3.5 here (the .5 is due in August). Some scattered pointers off the top of my sleep-deprived head:

• Some "disposable" wipes can be washed and reused several times, getting fluffier with each wash. This is useful because rough cloth is often the cause of diaper rash nightmares. Those soft baby wash cloths are good in this regard too, buy as many as you can afford if you plan to use them in place of disposable wipes.
  
• Everyone knows about reading to your kids (DO IT!), but don't be afraid to sing to them too, even if you think you can't sing. This will strengthen their bond with you more as they get used to your voice (and your being comfortable around them).
  
• This is bound to be a controversial one, but I've found it to be 100% effective: if after a few verbal warnings my toddlers are still acting crazy in public i will pick them up and hold them horizontal with their right arm tucked under my left armpit, supporting them under their back with my left arm. This let's them know--in a safe way--that, as much as they'd like to think so, they are not the one in control. From here I continue to try to talk to them in a calm voice, but if they continue to freak out I blow in their face. This is the part that some people don't like, but it's safe provided they don't have anything in their mouth (it's actually what one does to teach small babies to swim).
  
• Look into the work done by Geoffrey Canada. There's a lot to ingest, especially about early education, but it's mind-blowing.
  
• Try to stay physically active, you will need the extra energy that exercise can provide. Plus it's just fun to bike/hike/run around with the offspring.
  
• I found it very useful to have music on all the time with newborn babies because the smallest amount of noise will wake some babies. Music (I like classical or jazz ballads for this) gives you some sonic cover for walking around, cleaning up and even gazing at them asleep in the crib.
  
• Touch newborns as much as you can. Bonding, yes, but it also stimulates hormones in you that will make you more empathetic and nurturing. I will say this emphatically, and with zero exaggeration: a baby sleeping on your chest is the greatest feeling in the world.
  
  So many more that aren't coming to me quickly, but I gotta get back to work. I might add to the list later.
  
  Best of luck, and enjoy every second!

Hiya! I logged in to reply cos I saw a lot of comments suggesting therapy and "getting help" but not mentioning what types of things could help.

So I'm not a therapist, but to me this sounds like a possible case of BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder. Which SOUNDS scary due to stigma related to it, but if you get the right therapy can improve a heck of a lot, and be very manageable. In fact treatment including Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) will make your loved ones pain SO MUCH LESS and can really be an immense relief to her.

BPD is usually caused by ongoing childhood trauma and neglect, so it sounds like her past could have caused her brain to grow in different ways than non-trauma-survivors brains do. That is normal, and natural, because what she went through is NOT normal and natural. She can't control these feelings because she was never taught the coping skills to do so, and her brain grew differently so that even if she had learned coping skills it would STILL be harder than average for her. I'm saying this because I want to erase any shame or stigma she or you may feel around this issue. It's not shameful, many people worldwide go through this, it has been studied and written about, and there is help out there! :)

So what kind of therapy is done for BPD? Well the good news is that even if you can't afford therapy (not sure if you are US based) you can buy a book that has fantastic worksheets in it that truly help a lot: "The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook" https://www.amazon.com.au/Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Workbook-Integrative-ebook/dp/B07JQMQLZP but of course finding a psychologist who specialises in DBT would be best. Group therapy DBT skills workshops is even better. Heck, why not both!

But if you can't do the above, know that some psychologists who are BPD specialists use this workbook because it has Dialectical Behavioural Therapy tools in it. They give out worksheets from it week by week as the issues come up, so that patients can learn the tools to cope with their pain. So you could buy this book right now, but honestly she may not be ready to cope with it on her own. I think a visit to a psychologist would be her best bet, but make sure it's a DBT specialist.

Good luck with your problems and pain, I truly hope you get the help you both deserve. And that her pain lessens over time. I know it will with the right treatment. <3

I am a teacher, and Alliebeth offers terrific advice for kids of this nature -- especially about keeping things rigid for her. Some kids have high anxiety from changes in their routine, so the fact that she's acting up on weekends might be a sign of this. The key is to give your daughter plenty of notice for any changes in her schedule -- eg, "(Daughter), this weekend your grandma is coming over for a visit. This Friday, I would like for your to clean your room so that it looks nice for your grandma."

When your daughter starts kindergarten, you might want to send an introductory email to her teacher. Offer a heads-up about what to expect and how you've been dealing with her behavior. Set some goals for the year that are doable but would also reflect substantial growth (eg, for her to be potty-trained and to stop throwing tantrums). You can also include some things your child enjoys, and what she likes and doesn't like teachers to do in a classroom. I highly recommend this because it's important to reinforce expectations at home and school.

For further reading, you might want to check out:

• No: Why Kids -- of All Ages -- Need to Hear It and Parents Need to Say It
  
• The Motivation Breakthrough
  
• The Myth of Laziness
  
  Just so you know, it sounds like you're a very caring parent and have been trying a lot of great options. Don't give up; you'd be amazed how much turnaround a child can have in just a few months -- the key is finding a method that works for you and your child.

The advice I've read from leading developmental psychology researchers is to give your child as much support as they need when making the transition. Be positive about the experience, talking about the toys, the friends, the books and activities, etc. communicate confidence that your child will enjoy daycare. Then, maybe start with a two-hour session you attend with your child where you encourage integration with the class but don't push it. You may need to attend a few days - I've seen up to two weeks - to help your kid feel confident about separating from you and integrating with the class. Good luck.

Edit: This approach comes from the evidence-based book Baby Hearts: A Guide to Giving Your Child am Emotional Head Start.

It sounds like you're on the right track. Kids need boundaries and logical consequences for misbehavior. Some of my favorite parenting books are:

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively

Understanding Your Child's Temperament

These books can be pretty dry, but the information is very useful. If you google enough you can probably find the cliff's notes versions. Good luck!

1. Get out of that relationship A.S.A.P. Like tomorrow. No excuses, no tapping into their energy field to console them, no regrets. You can do and will do better.
   
2. Set up energetic boundaries. You have a good, strong heart - keep it protected so it's useful for non-narcissistic folks.
   
3. Meditate. Separate your emotions from others'. Become attuned to what different things feel like. Enjoy nature A LOT.
   
4. Find the others. They'll be happy to finally meet you.

Read books by John Gottman. One of his fantastic parenting books is "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child."

He focuses on a very gentle, calm, rational, and understanding parenting method. It's also scientifically backed.

He's also written amazing books on successful marriages, and even understanding abusive people. Good luck!

I have been in therapy for years individually but recently my husbands and my couples therapist recommended we both read a book: The Highly Sensitive Person. I started listening to it on audiobook already. I really feel like it is about me. It has been eye opening for us both. The same author has written a workbook and another book on relationships with HSPs (that is not available on audible 😩). I would love either of them but I think most of all would like the workbook to work on me first.

/u/mynthe: I love you and haven't talked to you in forever!

Here's my 2 cents on the subject. First, I'd give up on the idea of debating. Most of the debating I see is nothing more than verbal warfare--how productive is that? Well, it probably depends on what your objectives are. Are you out to belittle people and make yourself feel better? Than verbal warfare is the way to go. Are you out to improve knowledge or discover truth? Then debating probably isn't the route to take. Whatever, I'd establish the objective upfront. I'd recommend simply asking questions and providing sources.

So what are some questions involved in the spanking subject?

1. What are the parents goals?
   
2. Do the methods applied meet the desired goals?
   
3. What is the self-ownership status of a child?
   
4. When does a child gain full agency?
   
   
5. Goals will vary by parent, but shouldn't this question be asked every time the subject comes up? Most parents will answer with goals like happy, productive, independent, socially skilled, able to think critically, whatever. I doubt many parents will say out lound that they want obedience, silence, blind acceptance of authority, shyness, inability to bond, addictive behavior, a poor relationship with their parents as adults, approach-avoidance behavior, depression, divorce, etc. The point is, the question needs to be asked, and the answer must frame the response.
   
   
6. Do the methods applied meet the desired goals? Now would be an excellent time to provide links and sources. There is a wealth of information available on the effectiveness and consequences of different parenting techniques. Read the sources, compare results to the desired goals, make your decision. No emotional and verbal warfare required.
   
   
7. What is the self-ownership status of a child? I've yet to see a complete theory or philosophy on this subject. I'd recommend saying you don't know or labeling all proposals as a "working theory" to diffuse all the negative reactions you're likely to get on this emotional subject. Personally I think parents should have a trustee relationship with their children, and that a child's request to leave a household should be honored as soon as he can make it. I have no idea how to put that in an argument but suspect it would involve knowledge of cognitive development.
   
   
8. When does a child gain full agency? Well, first you have the whole can one own oneself debate. Then you'd have to argue when that occurs, if it does. I again lean towards the trustee relationship and gradual development of agency.
   
   Here's sources for those interested in studying the issue instead of yelling at each other:
   
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbiq2-ukfhM
   
   http://www.alfiekohn.org/index.php
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Parenting-Moving-Rewards-Punishments/dp/0743487486/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338338284&sr=8-1
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Discipline-Compliance-Alfie-Kohn/dp/1416604723/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1338338349&sr=1-1
   
   http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_17?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=punished+by+rewards+by+alfie+kohn&sprefix=punished+by+rewar%2Cstripbooks%2C256
   
   http://www.amazon.com/No-Contest-Case-Against-Competition/dp/0395631254/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1338338440&sr=1-2
   
   http://nospank.net/
   
   http://www.rie.org/
   
   http://www.wholechild.org/vision/documents/TheEffectsOfImprovingCaregivingOnEarlyDevelopment.pdf
   
   http://www.echoparenting.org/
   
   http://www.becomingtheparent.com/all/hp.html
   
   http://drgabormate.com/
   
   http://www.committedparent.com/
   
   http://www.janetlansbury.com/
   
   http://www.regardingbaby.org/
   
   http://www.eileensclasses.com/
   
   http://www.mindfulparentingnyc.com/Mindful_Parenting/Welcome.html
   
   http://www.riemiami.com/
   
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Dear-Parent-Caring-Infants-Respect/dp/1892560062/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1338339719&sr=1-1
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Your-Self-Confident-Baby-Encourage-Abilities/dp/1118158792/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1338339719&sr=1-3
   
   http://www.amazon.com/The-RIE-Manual/dp/1892560003/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294253451&sr=1-1
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Blessing-Skinned-Knee-Teachings-Self-Reliant/dp/1416593063/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1298050770&sr=8-1
   
   http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=ruth+anne+hammond&x=0&y=0
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Parent-You-Want-Sourcebook/dp/0553067508/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294253521&sr=1-1
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Life-Toddler-Alicia-Lieberman/dp/0028740173/ref=pd_sim_b_2
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Theories-Attachment-Introduction-Ainsworth-Brazelton/dp/1933653388/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1298051329&sr=8-10
   
   http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000XR2CGU/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d0_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=1C1SJ1BR2T4ADEN9VMJM&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=470938631&pf_rd_i=507846
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Unfolding-Infants-Natural-Gross-Development/dp/1892560070/ref=pd_sim_b_1
   
   http://www.youtube.com/user/stefbot/videos?query=parenting
   
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zyNQFG7C8JM
   
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjxXuDYdBzY
   
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONNRfflggBg
   
   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1GJsCa_4G8
   

I don't have any boy book suggestions, but one book I really enjoyed was The Emotional Life of a Toddler (http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Life-Toddler-Alicia-Lieberman/dp/0028740173) Sorry, can't do fancy pants links.

I also really enjoyed NurtureShock (http://www.amazon.com/NurtureShock-New-Thinking-About-Children/dp/0446504130/ref=sr_1_56?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1369239257&sr=1-56&keywords=science+of+child+development)

Neither of these are parenting books, but really helpful in how you think about parenting and your child.

this book was quite helpful when my marriage ended about 15 years ago. There may be more up to date books but this one was really helpful in terms of both details about settlement negotiation and helping create a good overall mindset.
>

“Getting divorced without ruining your life”
https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Divorced-Without-Ruining-Your/dp/074320641X

Never considered it! Maybe I'll give it a try :)

However, I found the approach in a book & I highly recommend the read (or listen, if you're into audiobooks) if you're struggling with similar issues/thought patterns:

It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399588140/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_4SPKDb0PYB7K6

(Look passed the title if you can help it lol she provides a series of helpful case studies & applies techniques related to introspection & meditation to help alleviate those types of patterns/issues.)

Late to the party here, but one book I would definitely recommend is A Terrible Thing Happened. It’s a simple depiction of a little raccoon dealing with the aftermath of a “terrible thing” (which is left vague for the reader to relate to whatever trauma they have experienced). It’s a great way to introduce therapy as well.

Books about tornados might also be helpful, such as Elephant Wind or Otis and the Tornado.

^this is important. Op you are getting a lot of validation on the point of you not being wrong for being okay with trying something new. And I think consensus is correct that there was no answer you could have given to get a better outcome.

There are a lot of people throwing around terms like abuse, which while I would agree are technically correct, where this behaviour is coming from is the big question that will take more than internet strangers wondering about a story from a single perspective.

Post partum depression is a huge under-diagnosed problem, especially in our current society that doesn’t have a lot of support for new parents. If this kind of behaviour is new in your relationship there is a good chance it’s not indicating a character flaw, but a current situation.

If course it could be anything, and you’ll need talking research and therapy to figure it out.

Esther Perel is my top author/ speaker recommendation for marital bed psychology

And
https://www.amazon.ca/Healing-After-Birth-Navigating-Childbirth/dp/1999497201
Is by an author I trust significantly in the post partum area.

Here are all the local Amazon links I could find:


amazon.com

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I highly recommend reading the book "Fingerpainting in Psych class". I'm not a parent, but have worked extensively with children, and it offers great tips on how you can better handle toddler tantrums, defensiveness, etc.

I really enjoyed Henry's Demons. It is non-fiction, kind of a memoir. It was written by the father and son (the son is Henry, who is schizophrenic.) It documents his diagnosis and the family's struggle to get him help. The chapters written by Henry are in the first person. He was not a paranoid schizophrenic, as far as I recall, but it is a fascinating look into the disease.

Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life: How Dialectical Behavior Therapy Can Put You in Control (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572243090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_-tSFybEGXT8E7

This book works great :)

This book really helped me a lot, and the reviews on Amazon are great as well:

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Anger-Patience-Buddhist-Perspective/dp/1559390735

This is a great book Growing Up Again

I read it to reparent myself and just ended up crying that I'd never, not once, heard the supportive or assertive care from either of my parents. It was all 100% abuse from Mom (criticism, yelling, violating my boundaries) and 100% neglect from Dad ("stop whining" or absent).

These seminars on Boundaries has been life-changing for me. It explains how a decent childhood affects everything. How well we do at "boring" routines like self-care, housework, sleep, diet, exercise, study, motivation for our lives needs to be instilled at a young age. Anyone with difficulty in these areas had childhood trauma regarding boundaries.

It explains why people who can't hear me say No the first time had shitty parents who didn't reinforce No means No. They let it mean "convince me" or "wait till I count to 10", or "keep pushing until you get what you want". They're basically raising a rapist.

Tim does a ton of other seminars on Complex Trauma and Codependence.

"Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" was a good read, just to check your own EI and to help raise your child right.

I have a ton of other books in my amazon cart, need to wait till pay day :P

An Adult Child's Guide to What's "Normal"

No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way To Calm The Chaos And Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind

Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies To Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind

Emotional Intelligence

Nurtureshock

You might like "Emotional Blackmail" and "When I say No I Feel Guilty" to help brace yourself for going NC with your mothers. After reading all the things I have, and the seminars, there's no way I'd let my (hypothetical) kid around a narc ever again. Boundary Violators traumatize the shit out of babies and kids. They love it. They feed on it. They get their jollies getting right up in there on malleable kids who can't protest and don't know better.

Congratulations on being proactive and wanting to raise a good human being. Remember, protect yourself. Protect your baby. You guys come first, not someone else's feelings.

The Dalai Lama himself has said that "Buddhism does not accept a theory of God, or a creator."^1 That sounds pretty solidly to me like the man doesn't believe in God, by his own definition.

^1 in Healing Anger

You should read https://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-Always-Depression-Authentic/dp/0399588140 It helps you to processs your fellings better.

My family situation is similar though not as bad with the substance abuse and they don't ask for money.


To cut them out of your life completely is probably not the best thing for your mental health down the road unless they pose a danger to you or your kids. That said, everyone has to respect each other's limits. Offer what you feel like you can. Call as regularly as you feel comfortable with.


Remember your guilt comes from the fact that you are a good person, but also because society expects children to be dutiful to their parents. That stipulation, however, is predicated upon the fact that parents are supposed to be loving, sober, and dutiful to their children.


When the compact is broken, when parents are abusive or place their children below their own selfish needs, it inexorably damages the child as well as the relationship. One remedy to this is to parent your children in the way that you needed as a child. Through doing this, you will find the language to tell yourself the things you need to hear so that you can processes all the shit from your past.


May I recommend this book? http://www.amazon.com/Growing-Up-Again-Parenting-Ourselves/dp/1568381905


Good luck- The holidays are hard for kids with broken homes.

Don't forget, you are the parent now, so if you want to raise her without religion and on public school, that is your choice now. Although, it might be wise to not make these changes immediately.

http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960/ref=lh_ni_t

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Beyond-Belief-Raising-Religion/dp/0814474268/ref=lh_ni_t

http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Emotionally-Intelligent-Child-ebook/dp/B005HF2VI2/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1344057659&sr=8-2&keywords=raising+emotionally+intelligent+children

If you zoom in the title of the book is in small print at the bottom. You can also google phrases from the book which will usually hit google books results.

​

https://www.amazon.com/Growing-Up-Again-Parenting-Ourselves/dp/1568381905

Amazon.com link

​

https://www.amazon.com/PEACE-LIFE-PIECE-STRESS-MOTIVATOR-ebook/dp/B07VF42DMQ/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Mona+Sharma&qid=1564030696&s=gateway&sr=8-1