Reddit mentions: The best jokes & riddles books

This post is a little longer than the others, but it worked for me.

In middle school, I was tall, fat, weird, read too much, and a pretty big dickhead. Most of this was because I was teased for reading so much, so I lashed out. Fast forward a year, and I'm in freshman year of high school. I spent the first month hanging out with my brother's friends, because our mom told him he had to let me hang out with him. It was bad. I knew I wasn't going to be the best looking guy, or the strongest, or the most charismatic. So I decided that I would try to be funny.

I bought the Adults Only Joke Book and the Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X Rated, and Politically Incorrect Jokes, and read them both cover to cover. I would circle the jokes I laughed at, and then tell them to my brother and parents. After a week of bringing them to school, people started asking me to tell them some of the jokes. I did, and quickly learned why comedians talk about timing so much. Not only that, but I learned what made certain people laugh, and what could get almost anyone to laugh. By doing so, I learned a lot about what makes people laugh in jokes.

The next step was to watch stand up specials. I have a very good memory, so I would spend my weekends watching Comedy Central late night and their Friday Night Standup, and everyone I found funny, I would commit their acts to memory and perform them for people. Ron White, Mitch Hedberg, Chris Rock, and especially Christopher Titus all had their acts committed to my memory. I started performing them at my school, and it taught me even more about how to not only tell a joke, but tell a story too. When to pause, when to enunciate, when to repeat a point for emphasis.

By the end of my freshman year, I had dozens of jokes memorized and had a couple two or three minute canned bits that I could tell fairly well. While I was still too tall, read too much, and weird zs hell, I could make people laugh. And when you can make people laugh, they can overlook a lot of weird stuff. Ended up getting a girlfriend and making a lot of friends. Continued working on jokes and being personable, and now I can be the center of a party by being funny on almost any topic.

Tl;Dr: spent my freshman year learning how to be funny, behooved me greatly in my life since.

Please excuse the length, I love making lists.

Video Production

Green Screen

Bounce

Tripod

Books

Dining with Dr Who

Writing movies for fun and profit This is a great book. I have it, absolutely hysterical.

Writing

Ink quill

TARDIS Deluxe Journal

Travel

Street Signs

Flags

Eiffel Tower Chocolate Mold

Little Window Beach

17th century world map

Watercolor World Map

Universal world wide adapter plug

Hidden pocket wallet



Science!

Liquid Gold Plating Kit

Molecular Gastronomy Kit

This one also works for gardening:
Moons and Blooms lunar calender

Inflatable earth with glow in the dark cities

Galilea Moon Phase Calendar and Clock

Glow in the dark lunar calender!

Art

Sunprint Kit

Scrapper tool set

Fantasy!

LOTR inspired necklace

Another LOTR inspired necklace

Dragon necklace

Dragon JEwerly box

These/this are/is a book, but Mercedes Lackey is a FANTASTIC fantasy writer. I'd start with the Mage Winds trilogy or Mage Wars series.

Outdoors

Portal-able Speakers If you want to listen to relaxing music (or just music) while reading or chilling outside, this is the perfect speaker. It goes pretty loud, my bro has one, I steal if to make my showers musical.

Solar power LED Water proof color changing globes

Ball lanterns!


Math

Math clock

Mental Math

Pi ice cube shape tray

Mini Abacus pendant keychain

And it was delicious

Math jokes

Math/science ice cube tray


Rubik's Cube office thingy

Abacus-they have these in all colors and shapes and what have you.

Spirituality

Wasn't quite sure what you're looking for, but these things are pretty relaxing and some of them are used in meditation or for relaxation/de-stress so I figured I could put 'em here.

[LED mini waterfall)(http://www.amazon.com/Mirrored-Waterfall-Light-Show-Fountain/dp/B008Q3GH1O/ref=pd_sim_hpc_17)

Zen reflection bonzai tree with a little pond

Candle and water fountain

Five tier illuminated fountain

Other random fun things!

DR Who Projector clock

Sherlock season one Dunno but I feel you might like this show.

Giant Nail polish set


Nail art brushes

LED faucet water glow thing

Alright! I think I'll stop there before this becomes a novel xD

So... I love this stuff, but I am terrible at it. Even knowing the "rules" for making puzzles & riddles, I still cannot make them. My brain just has no ability here, I guess. However, I have a crutch that I use: I buy books of this stuff. Lots & lots of them. Some are even made specifically for D&D. Allow me to link you to some of the things I've bought.

• Shadowman's Twisted Treasury: A Collection of Killer Puzzles. This is actual puzzles, not riddles. If you buy this, you may find puzzle #6 to be obnoxious. Odds of solving it are low in the first place, but if you do, you'll find yourself wondering why a sign was broken apart in such a ridiculous way. Just explaining why/how the puzzle got there in the first place is a problem. However, other puzzles are better. There are simple ones like an ogre counting image which shows a password, if you just pay attention to it. There are difficult but clever ones, like the "as easy as 1-2-3" floor tile puzzle, which is similar to the "Amenuator" floor tile puzzle in Baldur's Gate 2. In the back is some text explaining how you could incorporate it into a D&D/Pathfinder game. It has about 30 puzzles, and gives 3 hints for each. I typically give 1 hint to each player with a character who has an INT score of 13 or more. I give an extra hint for 15+ INT. I give the 3rd hint for 17+ INT. I rate this 7 out of 10.
  
• Riddle Rooms. This is a hybrid. It contains riddles, which then reveal how to deal with a puzzle. Each is presented twice -- first half of the book discusses the puzzles in text form, 2nd half of the book has little 1" maps of the rooms that your players could play on. My favorite is the hall of flame, where jets of fire spout out of the floor -- yet some jets are merely illusions you can walk through, and if you figure out the riddle, you can walk right across the room safely. However, I found that riddle to be too convoluted -- it displays the riddle mirror-imaged, so all the hints you get must be reversed. I thought it too much of a bother, so I set the riddle "right" and allowed the players to proceed safely if they solved it without needing to reverse the directions. I rate this 6 out of 10.
  
• Quest for the Riddle Stone. This is my favorite. I rate it 8 out of 10. However, it's actually just riddles, not puzzles. Each page contains a poem/limerick, along with 3 hints for solving it. About half the riddles are inappropriate for a D&D game, because they reference modern music, automobiles, etc. However, the ones that work are great. Here's one:
  
  I demand top regard, seeking first prize.
  
  I'm gone ere the fall and shunned by the wise.
  
  Whatever you do, I'll claim you do more.
  
  To find me just look where the lions roar.
  
  Anyway, this is going on too long already. I'll attach more links in a reply.

Congratulations! I know the joys of being an auntie, it's much better than parenting as you get to give the child back when it gets smelly/cranky. Best things to do:

• Play with him LOADS when he's fresh out and old enough to play. You'll build up a bond then that will never be replaced in later life.
  
• Don't try to be the disciplinarian, unless he's about to do something really dangerous. That's mummy's job.
  
• Teach him things whenever you can. The alphabet, counting to three, telling the time are all uncle's domain. My uncle taught me to swim and I still look back on it fondly.
  
  Aside from that, troll. A small child will happily believe that the majority of things we see in mirrors is controlled by giraffes. Imagine your sister's joy when her son tells her that putting a piece of ham in a DVD player will play a short film about pigs! I can't recommend this book highly enough for this purpose.

And another post I had on "How can I live a more interesting life?";

>A lot that you say are bad assumptions. 30vanquish is correct when saying:
>That's a bad assumption. Be passionate about the stuff you do because it makes you look certain and confident in your own life

>What I have learned is life is about stories. The better/funnier/epic/quirkier your stories are and the more you're developed as a storyteller the more people will be attracted to you. Learn to be value-added to people and social situations. You might be thinking being value added to their life only makes them better. No, make people see that your value addition makes their life great, and that without you in their life, it isn't fun.

>When hanging with people, learn the balance of when to speak up and when to not. A lot of times you can be too intelligent for the group, if you find yourself talking about random context or "Did You Know?" shit a lot, quit that out. Because that's a buzz-kill sometimes. Personally, I only bring up topics I truly enjoy if someone leads me to do that. Otherwise, I assume people don't want to hear about simulation, cnc, six-sigma, electrical system and the other.

>Also consider how you portray yourself:

>stance

>walk

>build

>dress

>eye contact

>projection/clarity of voice

>All of these searches (not specifically these sites) should help significantly. Honestly with that in mind, you may want to start with something like Toastmasters to get you thinking on your feet about topics. This will develop different synapses and will allow for quick-thinking on a social status level.

>Possibly, read the the following to develop an understanding of being value added to relationships and quick-witted in conversation:

>Insults Every Man Should Know

>Jokes Every Man Should Know

>The Modern Gentleman

>Now, everything in these books aren't written in stone. Don't just go and cut/copy/paste/cite when you go hang out socially. I only provided these titles for you and others to read, so you can develop yourself. Everything is about becoming your own peacock, so you come off (do not appear, because when you appear, then your X-factor is not intrinsically within) smooth, suave and natural.

>I would also say to try and pickup an action sport like boxing, kickboxing, etc. Not for the ability to kick anyone and mostly everyone's ass, but so you can get your testosterone flowing/grooving and to become confident in a more socially accepted hobby. It also would help in the fact that if you fake like you hurt yourself, you can casually bring up that you were in a sparring match. This would make guys interested in your skill and girls begin to coddle you for safety (you have just become value-added).


>TL;DR: just go to the damn hyperlinks and you'll be able to figure out what i was saying.

Lol I'm perfectly capable of laughing at myself thank you, but your joke was terrible, almost as bad your attempt at insulting me right now. That post got like 500 downvotes too so clearly nobody else thought it was funny, but I'm a nice guy so I did you a favor and found you a book to help with your problem. Hope you figure your clearly major psychological issues out, or at the very least, get better at insulting people cause you suck pretty bad. Peace.

Man there are like a billion good jokes in here, but for some reason one of my favorites is this one:

Berlin, 1933. Cohen is walking down the street, minding his own business, when a huge black limousine stops next to him. The door opens, and out comes Adolf Hitler with a bodyguard. Hitler grabs the bodyguard's pistol, points it at Cohen, and says, "Worthless Jew! Down on your knees!"

Cohen doesn't have much alternative, so he gets down on his knees. Hitler notices a dog turd on the sidewalk, and he says, "Worthless Jew! Eat up that dog turd!"

Well, the gun's still pointing at him, so what's he going to do? He tries his best to obey.

Hitler thinks this is the funniest thing he's ever seen. He starts laughing uncontrollably, so much so in fact that he drops the gun. Cohen scoops it up.

Now the tables are turned! Cohen tells Hitler and the bodyguard to get down on their knees and finish eating the turd. He backs slowly away, then makes a run for it and manages to get home without further incident.

"How was your day, dear? asks his wife."

"Oh, says Cohen, about the same as usual. But hey. You'll never guess who I had lunch with."

Favorite stand alone: "The Man Who Folded himself" (Because it's damned good sci fi, (time travel), he does many things I would, and the masturbation orgies are hot)


Favorite Series: Ethshar (Damned good fiction, each book can work as a stand alone more or less, I first read "The Blood of A Dragon", didn't even know it was part of a series until years later. Such a good book I bought them all, turned out to be one of the worst in the series comparatively. He writes simply but well, the stories are pretty unique, the many types of magic interesting. )


Non Fiction: "The Mammoth Book of Dirty Jokes". (It's simply the biggest and best joke book I've ever read, still haven't finished, I read a few pages whenever really bored and while in between fiction books/series)


****
Also see this amazing post: Reddit's Favorite books


EDIT: Accidentally put the link to "The Mammoth book of jokes" instead of dirty jokes, corrected it.

I think I don't know enough about civil engineering to say, and I'm pretty confident you don't either. If you've got specific evidence of malfeasance or corruption, bring it and I'll probably believe you—it's not like there hasn't been such before—but kneejerk cynicism ain't evidence. This is a totally unprecedented problem, with a vast number of unknowns and shifting conditions as I already pointed out. It seems ludicrous to me to assume with total confidence that you can predict what dollar figure should fix it.

Here. Pick up a copy of this. It's not only a great humor book, it's the best guide I've ever read to why simplistic demands like yours about complex engineering problems like theirs just don't mean jack shit. (Heh. You wouldn't happen to be an executive by any chance? You sure talk like one.)

You mean this one?

http://www.amazon.com/The-Official-Polish-Joke-Book/dp/0523426062

I love the one customer review title says "most things were great, some jokes were tasteless"

Really?

211 Things a Bright Boy can do is pretty cool, it just has a bunch of neat activities and diy projects that aren't time consuming kind of useless really

http://www.amazon.ca/211-Things-Bright-Boy-Can/dp/0399534156


The book of secrets is kind of the same story really neat as well

http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/afb6/

I Love Sci-Fi/Fantasy so here is my completely biased list of Orthodox Writers...

Dobrica Ćosić- various Historical Fiction books published, must read for history buffs...

Milovan Glišić- After Ninety Years: The Story of Serbian Vampire Sava Savanovic

Boban Knežević

R. L. Copple

Sue Dent takes a little to load

[Demetrious Glimidakis- The Crimson Knight](https://www.amazon.com/Crimson-Knight-Demetrious-Glimidakis/dp/1617399574?ie=UTF8&qid=1304459201&ref_=sr_1_1&s=books&sr=1-1)

[Donna Farley- The Ravens of Farne: A Tale of Saint Cuthbert](https://www.amazon.com/Ravens-Farne-Tale-Saint-Cuthbert/dp/0982277059?ie=UTF8&qid=1466021370&ref_=la_B001K80TNY_1_3&s=books&sr=1-3)

[Nick Mamatas- Insults Every Man Should Know](https://www.amazon.com/Insults-Every-Should-Pocket-Companions/dp/1594745242?ie=UTF8&ref_=asap_bc) tons of books published...

and how could forget... our favourite [Yevgeny Zamyatin- WE](https://www.amazon.com/We-Yevgeny-Zamyatin-ebook/dp/B00KR3HV3O?ie=UTF8&qid=1466021671&ref_=la_B000AQ1TZY_1_1&s=books&sr=1-1) -seriously... ★★★★★ prefigured Aldous Huxley's Brave New World, and inspired George Orwell's 1984*

We wrote almost all of them.

101 Aggie Jokes

Aggie Joke Book (Great Great Great Grandson of 101 Aggie Jokes)

606 Aggie Jokes

I have a mint condition copy of the third link. My grandfather, class of '40, gave it to me when I was 3.

for Trinity: Because she loves riddles and brain teasers I'm going to go with it https://www.amazon.com/Course-Greatest-Collection-Riddles-Expanding/dp/0692268529/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1494345142&sr=8-3&keywords=riddle


for Rylee: Because her favorite color is purple and she loves anime and art I'm going to go with https://www.amazon.com/Anime-Doodle-Girls-Coloring-JennyLuanArt/dp/1523277661/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1494345363&sr=8-2&keywords=anime++fantasy

Fun fact, we actually did write all of the jokes.

Both of the books "101 Aggie Jokes" and "606 Aggie Jokes" were published by Gig Em press and illustrated by Bob Taylor.

___

LIKE KNIGHTS OF OLD WE FIGHT TO HOLD THE GLORY OF THE PURPLE GOLD. LET'S CARRY THROUGH, LET'S DIE OR DO, TO WIN THE GAME FOR DEAR OLD LSU!

I live in LA, the land of "my trust in all others evaporates when I get behind the wheel" - the mentality isn't because you're egotistical about your own driving, but because that's how you fucking stay alive when you do run across that one guy who tries to play "beat the green" on Hollywood and Highland.

A few years back I was looking for some cheap Halloween costume ideas, and for the price of $1 I became the proud owner of a signed copy of Carrot Top's Junk in the Trunk... unfortunately it was signed for someone named Erica, and I am not an Erica, so I'm waiting to make friends with a girl with that name so I can give her the best Christmas present ever

http://www.amazon.com/Squeaky-Clean-Profanity-Jeff-Millett-ebook/dp/B00O2TU316/ref=sr_1_548?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1412519272&sr=1-548

Free kindle book just for "Clean Profanity." There ya go lol.

I seem to recall this being pretty good

And this being interesting.

I'll second the Jimmy Carr book too

A LINK to a preview inside the book.

EDIT: Be prepared for this one, make sure you're sitting down. You may laugh too hard:

Q: What do you call pastors in Germany?

A: German shepherds.

I'd recommend the Big Book of Jewish Humor. Happy cake day!

Though they're not really full books, the Jack Handey Deep Thoughts series (1, 2, 3) are the funniest things I've ever read in my life. Twenty years later and I still start giggling if I think about them.

the real gems are the super cool comments from people who bought the book also

I had some little books of deep,deeper and deepest thoughts growing up. They were great. I'm so glad I can remind people these exist.

You may wish to invest in this... strictly for entertainment purposes, obviously.

For anyone who is interested Here is the book where I learned all my tasteless jokes from

Most racist:

Q: How are they improving public transportation in Harlem?

A: They're planting the trees closer together.

Most sexually repulsive:

Q: What's grosser than gross?

A: When you're fucking a pregnant lady and the fetus gives you head.

Many thanks to the many paperback editions of "Truly Tasteless Jokes" that I had as a teenager. They made me the man I am today! ;-)

http://www.amazon.com/Truly-Tasteless-Jokes-Blanche-Knott/dp/0345329201

Nah, that's some 2010s Internet humor. You youngsters don't even know. Back in my day, we had real Polack jokes. Hell, in the 1970s, Polish jokes were so common that the Polish Ministry of Foreign Affairs went to the U.S. State Department to complain. Look at this:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Official-Polish-Joke-Book/dp/0523426062
There were hundreds of these. We often mixed them with anti-Italian-American jokes, like, "Did you hear about the Polish godfather? He made an offer he couldn't understand (nyuk nyuk nyuk)"

Disclaimer: In case anyone is offended by my use of the term "polack", I'm actually Italian and Polish, although nobody assumes the Polish part, just the Italian part. So while people sometimes avoid jokes about "wops," "guineas" and "dagos" around me, I've heard my fair share of "polack" jokes.

I think I saw this in The Big Book of Jewish Humor. I'm sure it's told better there, or wherever I saw it:

---

Mendel and Yankel are on their way out of the local preist's office.

"Nu, Mendel, we finally broke down and converted to Christianity. What are we gonna do now?"

Mendel glances at the setting sun. "It's gettling late, Yankel. Maybe we oughta daven Mincha first and discuss this after."

"What are you talking about, 'daven Mincha'? Did you forget that we're Christians now?"

"Oy, my goyishe kop!"

You should get him something like this:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Complete-Idiots-Guide-Jokes/dp/1592575382

Ah, my childhood with Larry Wilde is clearly lost in the mists of time now.

• Polish
  
• Jewish
  
• Polish and Italian, two in one
  
• WASPs
  
• Rednecks
  
• White folks/Black folks, two in one
  
• And all the rest of Ethnic humour
  

So you make a shitty attempt at a joke that's neither witty nor funny - then call us idiots. You're a winner.

Here, maybe this will help you in your future endeavors.

Not a poem but an old joke that was in a book called Truly Tasteless Jokes.

This isn't the original but it's close.

Great lies to tell small kids is also fantastic

you are an awful comedian then. Maybe you should read a book about joke construction and delivery.

https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Idiots-Guide-Jokes/dp/1592575382#customerReviews

This is what got me more into dirty jokes. I was like 12 or so when I found it on my mom's bookshelf.

I keep a copy of Great Lies to Tell Small Kids on my bookshelf when I need inspiration.

When I was a kid, there was this book called "Truly Tasteless Jokes" It is exactly what it sounds like. When I was a kid my favourite section was the Helen Keller section. I am sure it is even worse than I remember but it was a big hit when I was a kid.

It's like the "catch a Ditto" quest. If you have one, no Dittos spawn. If you delete it, it is guaranteed to spawn up to 3 Ditto in your immediate vicinity in the next 4 hour period.

There's a scientific reason for this, it's written somewhere in this book.

You might want to give this a read.

https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Idiots-Guide-Jokes/dp/1592575382

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

This might help

Heard it!

http://www.amazon.com/The-Complete-Idiots-Guide-Jokes/dp/1592575382

Get this book

They were published as books in the 90's:
http://smile.amazon.com/Deep-Thoughts-Jack-Handey/dp/0425133656/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1462214127&sr=8-1&keywords=jack+handey+deep+thoughts
http://smile.amazon.com/Deepest-Thoughts-Deep-They-Squeak/dp/0786880449/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1462214127&sr=8-2&keywords=jack+handey+deep+thoughts
http://smile.amazon.com/Deeper-Thoughts-All-Jack-Handey/dp/1562828401/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1462214127&sr=8-3&keywords=jack+handey+deep+thoughts

This term for a gay milkman is also the name of an American fast-food chain.

It's Mass. There's even a book about it (does any other state/city have a book?).

https://www.amazon.com/Boston-Drivers-Handbook-Streets-Almost/dp/0306813262

My intro to Boston driving was in a buckets rainstorm on Mass Pike - driving cautiously in right lane - and a guy passes me at 70+ MPH on the shoulder (aka "breakdown lane").

I suspect this is from the Truly Tasteless Jokes series. They live up to their name!

I have no idea, really. It started when I found this,, except it was only editions two and three in their little trilogy-sleeve-box thing. They didn't have Princess Diana jokes in there, since they were published well before that happened, but that's what got me started in horrible humor.

Dolphins aren't fish, they're actually a type of tomato.

(source: Great Lies to Tell Small Kids)

This is from Great Lies to Tell Small Kids.