What a tremendous responsibility! This is certainly a challenge, and you're brave and compassionate to be willing to give this young man a start. From my experience as a teacher, a 16-year-old is very much not an adult. I don't have children that age myself (mine is much younger), but have taught many kids in that age range who have gone through similar life events. You don't mention whether he has any disabilities, or whether he's been receiving therapy, but in my experience kids that old who are in foster care can have difficulty trusting adults and demonstrate difficult behaviors. I can give you a few of pieces of advice from my experience (again, primarily as a teacher):

• Kids do dumb stuff. He will do some things - perhaps many things - that are ludicrously stupid or dangerous. He may do some of them intentionally and some unintentionally. Your job is to be calm and safe in your response to these things. (There have been days when I find myself chanting, "I am a calm and safe adult, I am a calm and safe adult," in my head.)
  
• Show interest in his interests. This doesn't mean you need to share his interests. If he loves, for example, reading fantasy novels, you don't have to read them too. But you do need to ask about them, or buy him some, or ask about when he first started reading them.
  
• At least initially, just observe and try some things. Take an almost anthropological interest. Does he have acne? Then make an acne facewash appear in the bathroom. Does he wear the same sports team shirt over and over? A couple more of those appear in his closet. Does he show an interest in drawing? Colored pencils and a sketchpad appear in the dining room. Does he like cereal? Stock favorites in the cupboard. You get the idea. Coming at a kid with questions, especially a teenaged boy kid, often doesn't yield much, but when they notice you've noticed, they often begin to open up.
  
• Ignore secondary behaviors. These are behaviors that occur in response to a consequence or boundary. For example, when a kid finds out he's grounded and screams, "I hate you," that I hate you is the secondary behavior. That's not important unless it's actively dangerous, and engaging it will just lead to a struggle. You can practice some responses to this sort of thing, like just calmly saying, "All right," or "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "Bummer." (And you can avoid the secondary behaviors somewhat by making consequences reasonable and natural - fitting the infraction, like working to pay off something that's broken or spending time picking up trash in a local park after being caught littering.)
  
• Offer choices within limits. Perhaps offer choice about what you'll be having for dinner, or when he'll be expected to be home at night. You have to be a little more clever about it with older kids than with little ones, because you don't want them to feel manipulated. But allowing him to have control in some areas will make it easier for you to control things that are truly dangerous or non-negotiable.
  
• Be very, very consistent and trustworthy. Make your home as regular and predictable as possible. Get up at the same time every day; have the same routines for daily tasks. Mean what you say. If you say you're going to be somewhere at a certain time, you must be there at that time; if you say you're going to pick up pizza on the way home, you must pick up pizza, etc.
  
  In terms of what to read, I'd definitely ask other people who have experience this same thing. I'm sure they'll have ideas. If he's experienced trauma, I highly recommend reading or even taking a class about the sorts of effects that can have on a developing brain. Here are two books I like for this age range. Although I know you're not technically "parenting," they should still offer some good advice for getting along with teens in general:
  
  
• How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk
  
• Parenting Teens with Love and Logic
  
  Good luck! I'm sure you'll do a great job helping this young man transition from childhood to adulthood.
  
  ETA: I reread your initial post and saw that in the UK he's technically classified as an adult (!), so some of what I've said here about consequences and whatnot may apply less than it would in the US. The predictability, routine, consistency, interest, and calm are still the key things I'd focus on.

How do you not be a terrible step? It's all about your attitude.

We all have a choice every day when we get up. Do I want to have a good attitude or a bad attitude? Yeah, I know it sounds generalized and cliche, but when you break it down to being a step parent, it almost sounds like common sense when you say it out loud.

If you focus on your marriage, and make your husband and your marriage a priority over anything else in your life (including, and especially) your kids, then you'll have a much easier time having a good attitude towards your marriage and your kids. My wife and I have begun to borrow a vision for our marriage from Andy Stanley. We try to make marital and parenting decisions with the goal of wanting to be with each other and enjoy each other's company after our kids are gone. We also want our kids to like each other and us enough that later in life, they'll want to spend time with each other and us, even when they have the freedom to choose otherwise. So we try to make good parenting and marital choices based on those two filters.

Focus on the good things everyone does, and make a point to praise those things as often as possible. Spend a day praising your husband or your kids for what they're doing well, and I absolutely defy you to have a bad day or bad attitude after that. That doesn't mean ignore it when they screw up. It just means that if you are praising them along the way, when the screw ups happen, people are more willing to listen to what you say. After all, you just spent the better part of the day telling them how much they rock. They'll be willing to listen to how they can improve their mistakes.

Do not view any of your kids as different just because they aren't your bio. You have 3 kids. 2 just happen to have sleepovers at a different house pretty often. When they are with you, they're yours, just as much as your own. View them that way, and you will have a hard time repeating your SD's mistakes.

A few books/DVD resources I highly recommend for you as you prepare for this new adventure: The Smart Step Family comes in DVD or book form. Whichever one you choose depends on how you prefer to hear new info. I like reading books, but watching a video or listening to a speaker always helps me retain more of the info. There is a companion book for you, The Smart Step Mom that can also help you navigate the sometimes challenging waters.

Good luck on your new journey. It is one that can be frustrating and stressful at various times, but it is also one that is very, very rewarding if you invest in the relationships the right way.

Ok, so my son went through this exact same thing. The dog water is actually what we used to introduce the firm "no means no" concept, as well as time out.

Our son was also about 12-13 months when he started playing with the dog water. Same thing- he just loves putting his foot in it! He would do the same grin at us while hovering his foot over the water.

We tried redirection at first, but it became a game, so we resorted to time out. We got what is, in my opinion, the best time out chair for toddlers. I love this chair because you can(and should) remove the toys, and you can strap him in. We put the chair in a corner and that's just where it always is. When he's in time out, we call it time out, when he's just playing, we call it his thinking chair.

So here's what you do:

Next time he touches the water, tell him "No touching the dog water! That is yucky! If you touch the dog water again you will have a time out."

When he touches it again: "uh-oh! You touched the dog water! Now you have to have a time out..." (Say this in a surprised/sympathetic tone- like "it's to bad you did that... Sucks to be you" sort of way.)

Pick him up or wake him to the chair, put him in, strap him in and say "you're having a time out for touching the dog water."

Walk away for one minute.

He may think it is fun at first, but will then scream bloody murder most likely. Ignore this. Make NO eye contact!

After one minute, walk back.

"You were in time out for touching the dog water. You may not touch the dog water, that's yucky. Please say sorry and give me a hug." (He obviously didn't say sorry at first, but he did give the best hugs.)

Now, engage him with something else, play as if nothing happened. It's really important not to hold a grudge after a time out. Don't dwell on it. If he heads back to the dog water, you can remind him "Don't touch the dog water or you will have to have another time out".

When he touches it again, because he totally will, repeat the time out. "Uh-oh! You touched the dog water, now you have to have a time out..." Etc etc.

The key is to be extremely consistent with this. If it's a new day or occasion, I will give my son a warning of "if you do that again you will get a time out" but if it's the same day, anytime after the initial second chance is an immediate time out.

My son did it about 5 times in a row the first day, then he stopped. Then next day he did it a few times, and here and there over the next few days. This is totally normal and should be expected as he is testing boundaries and seeing how consistent you will really be. My son is 18 months now and I just have to remind him that he will get a time out if he chooses to touch the dog water, and he usually chooses not to.

The most important part of this is to make it clear that it is his choice to do something that lands him in time out. It's not you deciding he gets a time out, it's just that time outs are the consequence and his actions cause it. That's why you have a sympathetic tone when putting him in time out.

This is basically a really basic intro to Love and Logic discipline. In a nutshell you make sure the consequence is logical, and that the child is in total control of the choices they make (and therefore the consequences). You also never show animosity toward a misbehaving toddler, but empathy. It works wonders on toddlers, I have used it on many kids during my career as a nanny. If you have a chance to read it, I would highly suggest [Parenting With Love And Logic] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/1576839540/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awd_xRGIwbN38WQEH) or Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood.
I know it sounds kind of hippy-granola but I swear to you it is the best, most intuitive discipline system I have ever used.

Good luck!

Congratulations! It seems as thought you found the source of her sexual activity. As you know, the sex makes her feel needed, desired, wanted, and cared for. It seems that, according to what I've read, are the very things missing from her family life. Not implying that it is done consciously by you and your husband, but that is her perception.

Changing schools is an idea worth exploring, allowing her to have a clean slate, make new friends, not feel intimidated, and in general escape the bad. As a child that had low self-esteem and various other issues, you can have a major impact on her as of today. Not knowing your family history, let's cover all the bases (not implying that the list below is necessarily reflective of your situation)...

• Acknowledge your lack of engagement and/or noticing things about her and her life.
  
• Acknowledge hurtful behaviours, attitudes, and words.
  
• Ensure that you understand her points as being valid. They may not be to you or your husband, but they are very much so to your child.
  
• Ask for examples of situations that make her feel like she does. Don't get defensive, just listen. Again, it's all about perspective.
  
• Make a point to spend time together, as a family, engaging with each other.
  
• Talk to your husband regarding his role.
  
• Ensure that your husband and daughter talk to each other. They must understand each others' feelings and how they came about. Identifying root causes can be difficult, tricky, and painful, but essential.
  
• Discuss how your daughter's behaviours and attitudes can be and are interpreted by her family, friends, and entourage.
  
  
  Growing up, I didn't have a dad, just my grand-father, and we really didn't do all that much together. As such, I had nearly zero male influence in my life and never saw what dads did. When our daughter was born, my wife found this great book which really helped me understand what's important to girls and the importance of the fathers. I strongly recommend that your husband read it. It's not a opinion based book, a rarity in this genre as it is based on clinical observations and patient-therapist discussions. Meeker also has one about boys, again, a very worthwhile read.
  
  Good luck!!
  
  

I will say the picture thing I feel is important. Even if your boyfriend (or you) assemble what photos you do have of her mother and of her into a photo album and present it to her, when your mother dies when you're a little girl it's important to have physical representations as a sort of emotional proof that she was real. It's kind of hard to explain but it's very important to be able to look through photos and see her.

Speaking of my own experiences, the absolute worst period of time in my life started when I was about 12 and continued until I hit about age 16. It sounds like she's entering/in that age and her behavior strikes me as pretty normal, just more intense than usual due to her tumultous past. She's also likely experiencing a grief cycle, and again I'd really encourage you guys to give her counseling (though you should avoid sending her to some sort of "group counseling" for pre-teens, I was sent to that around her age and it just made shit worse for me because I had nothing in common with those girls).

A few points:

• Her fighting with her father is normal for kids this age, regardless of their past. It could also be some sort of display of either conscious or subconscious resentment-- I know around this age I began to really begrudge my dad that he never talked about my mother or shared stuff about her with me. At the time I couldn't really voice that this bothered me but it only got better when I got around age 16 and could properly express myself and handle my emotions in a way that made my dad feel safe talking to me about my mom. Before then though we fought like crazy and many days, I felt like I totally hated him. My father could have eased this period of tension between us by paying attention to me-- talking to me about my mom and just doing stuff with me that reinforced that he loved me.
  
  
• Her behavior both with your boyfriend's friend/you and with your in-laws is pretty straight forward. There's a few things at play here, but the first is that when your parent dies when you're that young, it really shakes the foundation of your life. The people who you're supposed to be able to depend on and who "should be there" are not (and in the case of suicide, have left you on purpose) and it seriously disturbs your ability to trust in your attachment to people in a healthy way. Her behavior is absolutely an indication of an intense fear of abandonment of herself by the people she cares about. Perhaps the most sad/disturbing part of her behavior is that she's assertively and actively trying to strengthen her ties using what she feels she can (at this point, capitalizing on negative feelings, surprisingly advanced/complex approach all things considered) which means on some level she feels responsible for either being abandoned or not being abandoned. That's a really crappy thing and basically means on a very present level she feels guilty for not having her mother and places some blame on herself for that. This behavior is not normal for kids her age though it is normal for child survivors of parental loss (especially suicide) and again, I think warrants her needing therapy to help process the grief and trauma she's experiencing. I will say don't take it personally and don't view it as her hating you, because it's absolutely not. She's very scared of losing everyone, you included, and that's driving a substantial part of her behavior.
  
  The second part is not something you can really fix but as far as repairing your relationship-- while you shouldn't indulge the bad behavior, don't be afraid (once removed from the situation) to talk about what happened. Be direct and just keep re-iterating that no one is going to abandon her and that everyone will love her just as she is without her needing to be negative. I know I keep saying this but I really think, especially at this stage, therapy is a requirement. Having it as an adult has helped me straighten out a lot of shit but it sucks that I lost so many years that would have been helpful and I was pretty much out to sea, grieving alone and trying not to sink. Giving her a safe space to start consciously coming to terms with the emotions she's feeling will probably go a long way in easing tension with her towards everyone, you and her father included.
  
  Beyond that, if you want a lot of insight into what it's like, I recommend you check out a book called "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman. There's also a book about the experiences of child survivors who's parents killed themselves, called Voices of Strength. I think both could offer a lot of insights and help for a sensitive parent or step-parent trying to navigate the murky waters you currently are, and you're definitely very caring and compassionate.
  
  My final bit of help may seem cheesy or corny but I'd also recommend the Five Love Languages for Children. Your stepdaughter is a little older but I've found for myself that the adult version helped my relationship with my partner immensely and is in general a system I'll be using with my own children, because I know had my step mom and my father been aware of and used the techniques/addressed my particular "love language" need, it'd have made it easier for us to bond and for me to not feel alienated. The book not only helps you identify which language your kid is mainly dealing in but offers practical advice for small and big ways you can consistently express your love and make them feel loved... this is also something, IMO, your guy should read and try to put into practice.
  
  Anywho, your mileage may vary on all of this, I hope everything goes well and I'm really happy you care so much about Ali and making sure she's okay. She's really lucky to have you in her life.

There are two books I would start with.

The first is Adoption Parenting. My wife and I read it. Her more than me I must confess. But it did a lot to open our awareness to so much.
adoption parenting

The second is The five love languages children. The original is one my wife and I read for each other. This one expands upon children’s growth through the love languages and helps us as parents flex with them. 5 love languages

This is about 800 pages in total. There are more I’d gladly suggest and feel free to send me a chat if you have any specific questions.

Good luck! As a fellow adoptive parent, I’m pulling for you and I’m here for you!

I didn't read through all of it, but from skimming over it I think you may be interested in some of these (you didn't say what age your kids were so I'm just giving you everything I know of):

• Any books/documentaries on the Summerhill School (A. S. Neill's school)
  
  
• Anything about Peaceful Parenting. Such as Parenting With Love And Logic.
  
  
• Stefan Molyneux's parenting videos
  
  
• Resources for Infant Educarers books and blogs, such as Janet Lansbury's blog, Your Self-Confident Baby.
  
  
• Any Montessori books
  
  These are all about respecting your child, seeing them as a capable human being, and including them in the family.

* Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth

The book is about the subject of deliberate training and explains how spending a long time on specific kinds of training develops your skills. Not a research paper, and the tone of book is casual. Many pages are about the author and people around her, and those explained the motivation of studies about the subject and added real life examples to apply those studies, for example, to parenting. In general, the book is hopeful to motivate you to start training towords your goal.

Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise

Another book is about the subject of deliberate training. I recommend you to read this book after Grit. This book is more like a research paper. The tone of this book is drier than Grit but the book contains the details of the studies and advises you how, when and how much you should practice.


Love Does: Discover a Secretly Incredible Life in an Ordinary World by Bob Goff

This book is about activism: love the world and do something instead of preaching gods. Although it is categorized as a Christian book and it certainly mentions god a lot, the message of the book is having the faith in people and the world. One of good things about this book is that the author started out as an ordinary person, who did not have his calling in his teen and was not found by a millionair to assist his business. His life story seems to be much more familiar to me compared to other famous people. Unexpectedly, the story includes the life of an inventor of popular products, and the book served me as his little biography too.

Congratulations! Fatherhood is incredibly sanctifying. Beeke has already been mentioned, but I can make a few other recommendations that are broadly reformed. Don Whitney's Family Worship is worth reading for its encouragement more than anything. I'd also recommend Paul Tripp's Parenting as it centralizes the gospel in parenting. There's also Ted Tripp's Shepherding a Child's Heart. You might also enjoy some of the blog posts on parenting at CCEF. Finally, a number of good resources are available down the road for catachesis if you plan to do anything like that, but for now enjoy these early days.

I won't bother repeating myself here, I'll just second this post and add a little of my own thoughts.

OP, you're relationship with your SO takes work on both of your parts and you both have to make it a priority. It is so important! Communication is super important to making things work, too. He has to be able to hear what you're saying and where you're coming from so you can work as a team to make things work for everyone.

> And seriously; read, read, read the step parenting help books.

This is hands down the best advice. Reading books on stepfamilies and stepparenting have been invaluable to me. Both in realizing I'm not insane and in helping me head off some issues by handling situations different than I might have otherwise. Personally, I've found Ron L. Deal's books to be very helpful. I'm currently reading The Smart Stepmom by Ron L. Deal and Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. All of the reading has helped me approach my SO a little differently and he's receptive to my insights (though our communication was solid prior to all the reading I've done, I know for a fact it's made it better). It's also helped me understand what my role is as a stepparent and how to deal with some of the struggles that arise.

Best of luck OP. It's a tough road to travel and role to take on, but with work, it definitely can get better.

This book has been pretty helpful for our family: http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Hurt-Child-Adoptive-Families/dp/1600062903
It basically addresses the attachment issue through the lens of a child's desire for control - and gives some very effective strategies for creating a better dynamic. I highly recommend it.

It's a great start to say you don't want to do to your kid what your parents did to you. It's time to take the next step and start filling your parent tool belt with what you want to do as a parent. If your only reference point is what doesn't work, you'll have a hard time making good parenting choices. You don't have to figure out the good tools on your own. There are tons of resources for parenting advice. Personally, I'd recommend looking at Danny Silk. It's framed as "Christian" parenting advice, but the essentials are solid and I use them every day.

Source: I'm a real life parent with three kids. I had a stable upbringing, but when I had kids of my own, I didn't have a good reference point for how to parent. Finding good resources and practicing the tools radically changed my relationship with my kids for the better. We will all be different and better for decades to come, both individually and as a family.

I have 8 nieces and nephews that were disciplined using the book Love and Logic and they are all incredibly well behaved (most of the time). We're starting with it already and my little one is catching on faster than I anticipated.

Basically, she gets choices - either two meaningless ones or a good choice and a bad one. Failure to choose means I choose for her. Escalation into a tantrum means I choose for her.

So, in your case - We're going to the store, would you like to choose the music or would you like for me to choose? Oh, that's so sad. I'll choose. Would you like to get a race car cart or a regular cart, oh, that's so sad. Regular cart it is. Would you like to pick the fruit for your lunch or for me to choose? Would you like to have your timeout in the store or would you like for it to be in the car? Would you like for me to carry you to your timeout or would you like to walk there? etc, etc.

My nieces and nephews did test the boundaries and it took a lot of patience, but they all figured out how to self regulate enough that they were pretty civil by three and barring some major meltdown they'll settle on the good option almost every time. They're even at the point that they can be bought off with a glass of water (Would you like to come have a glass of water and settle down or do you think we need to go take a nap/stop playing/eat something/etc)

Also, at 2.5 he definitely does not need to be eating at night and you both have to be exhausted. Whatever method you choose, you should definitely make a point of getting that stopped ASAP.

You might like this book; I really want to get it: Cozy Minimalist Home. I don't like cold sterility in a house, either, but I also don't like tons of clutter. I think there's a happy medium.

As for normal/realistic, that means quite a few things to me: Countertops, tables, beds, couches, floors, and bathtubs are free from clutter and are usable for their intended uses. Plumbing, HVAC, and electricity are in good working order. Drawers, cabinets, and closets are organized so that the items within them are easy to find and use. Duplicate (or triplicate or more) items are pared down to just one whenever possible or feasible. Broken items that are not able to be repaired are trashed, recycled, or donated as appropriate. There are no dirty dishes, dirty clothes, trash, newspapers, empty boxes, or random debris strewn about the house. Dishes and laundry are ideally washed and put away on the same day (complete the process every time). Cleaning the house is always possible because clutter isn't impeding areas or rooms.

Your house should be safe, livable, maintained, reasonably clean (does not have to be immaculate), and comfortable.

Baptism! But really, infant baptism is a great way to start. It doesn't make the child a christian, but is beautifully symbolic of that child growing up in the admonition of the Lord. Consider it! Here and here are some good articles on the issues.

Otherwise, Tedd Tripp has a good book on the issue.

Wonderful news! I know you aren’t looking for a recommendation, but as a dad myself I loved the book “Strong Fathers Strong Daughters” by Meg Meeker.

Really put in perspective my role as a dad for a daughter.

Strong Fathers Strong Daughters

Well, first off, we fail a lot. That's okay. I found that having too ambitious or structured of a plan was actually a hindrance. (I had spreadsheets, and outlines, and hymns chosen based on each text, and so on.) The "cost of entry" was high enough that if I was tired, or we got home late, or something, we would just skip it. Right now I'm also considering changing the time of day we do it, although evening still seems the most reasonable time.

To get back into the routine, right now we plan to just read a Psalm, sing whatever song occurs to us, and pray. No prep needed, just the ability to count from 1 to 150. Overall it's about 15 minutes.

When we started in February, I wrote my own plan with an OT passage, NT passage, and Psalm for each topic, with a hymn that was related to the topic in some way. Then we used this plan. [PDF] After that I was considering going through Kitto's Daily Bible Illustrations.

But an extended period of illness and our own failure to create the necessary routine meant we quit after less than a month.

So right now we're just on the simple Psalms plan to get back on track. What I think I'm learning is that there's no silver bullet and that it's possible to over-plan. This needs to become a routine of discipline before it will stick, and we need to keep the bar low to start.

Resources I recommend are:

• Family Worship 101 on Crossway's site - Donald Whitney will take you through your first week of family worship and provide a 30-day plan that's easy to follow at the end. Great way to start and make it easy to build a routine.
  
• Family Worship by Donald Whitney - nice short book that's essentially what the above link is a distilled version of.
  
• Leading Family Worship - a talk by Joel Beeke from the Desiring God pastors' conference in 2011. Very based in Scripture and very practical. My favorite message on the topic.
  
• Family Worship 101 - article from Ligonier. Essentially covers the same ground.

My wife and I have found the principles and techniques in Love and Logic to be very helpful. I'm sure you would find it helpful for the types of attitudes and behaviors you mention.

Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1576839540/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_yZWJybQKVN22A

I swear by the Love and Logic series. They have this, which I have not tried but plan on getting. I have used this book with my 6 year old daughter for the last 2 years. I really wish I would have found it sooner! It would have made the toddler years much less confusing and waaaaay less frustrating. I went through a lot of trial and error with parenting methods, and this is the only approach that makes me feel like I am doing the right thing as a parent.

As far as taking care of a baby, this is helpful and hilarious. The men get a kick out of it, and the information is wonderful.

I've read a lot of parenting books and learned a lot of cool techniques and tricks for helping my kids. A parenting class, if you do the research and find someone who makes a lot of sense to you, is just a faster way of learning new tricks, and it sounds like you're looking for good ideas and fast. The class I linked you to in my other comment is one I'd love to take myself and I have worked with children for over fifteen years.

But if you are interested in the book route, look at your local library for How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, Simplicity Parenting, or Love and Logic, or anything by those authors.

I can guarantee you that at least one of my grandmas would've loved a parenting class, and the other probably could've used one.

You may be interested in the parenting philosophy called Love and Logic. Here’s the book: Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1576839540/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_sLRIBbYQ4CVEC

It seems to mesh well with your calm parenting style. They advocate for room time, which is a modified version of time out that you could easily implement.

This parenting style involves being very empathetic before giving consequences. They emphasize learning opportunities and giving kids appropriate choices so they can feel in control sometimes.

A unique concept in this philosophy is the “energy drain.” Basically any of her exhausting behaviors can drain your energy and later in the day you act too tired to do something she wants to do, reminding her of the annoying thing she did earlier. Then she is given an opportunity to help you regain your energy (chores etc). It’s a neat idea because you aren’t giving her consequences in the moment when she’s acting out and likely unwilling to cooperate, but she still learns that there are consequences.

It's Parenting With Love and Logic. That's the basic, central text. They have other books, and they're all good, but start with this one. It gets away from punishment/reward and works on building intrinsic motivation. It's all about consistency, making a child's world make more logical sense, and maintaining respect, dignity, and empathy for the child (thus showing the child how people are supposed to interact).

https://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Love-Logic-Updated-Expanded/dp/1576839540/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1482074748&sr=8-1&keywords=parenting+with+love+and+logic

I recently started reading the "Love and Logic" parenting book, and it actually has some tips in there that I think sound promising. Here's a link. Maybe this can help you out to get this type of behavior under control. I also read and liked the tips in the "Happies Toddler on the Block". And I've heard (but didn't read because it's aimed towards babies and young children) that attachment theory parenting books are good.


http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Love-Logic-Teaching-Responsibility-ebook/dp/B00IV351R0/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1395465516&sr=1-1&keywords=love+and+logic

[TALK] JESUS CALLING Podcast "Families Building a Legacy of Love: Bob Goff & Lindsey Goff Viducich, and Jackie Green & Lauren Green McAfee" SFW

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/jesus-calling-podcast-touching-stories-of-faith/id1081967443?mt=2

Today’s guests discuss how families can work together to do good in the world and leave a legacy that will have impact for years to come: author and speaker Bob Goff and his daughter Lindsey Goff Viducich and businesswomen and philanthropists Jackie Green and her daughter Lauren Green McAfee. Bob Goff is author of the New York Times bestseller Love Does, and is daughter Lindsey is a schoolteacher. Together, they talk about their new book Love Does for Kids and why they’re passionate to help kids all over the world. Jackie Green and Lauren Green McAfee’s family runs the Hobby Lobby chain of stores. As co-authors, earlier this year Jackie and Lauren released the book, Only One Life: How a Woman’s Every Day Shapes an Eternal Legacy. Today the mother-daughter team tell us what legacy means to them, and why every person is equipped to leave behind a life that can reach countless generations into the future.

Thank you for the suggestion! I'm always happy to look more into books that will help me become a better educator. Is this book you were talking about?

https://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Teens-Love-Logic-Adolescents/dp/1576839303/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=S49R5K4NDVZ97CES0DBJ

Both of Myquillyn Smith's books, for sure.

The Nesting Place: It Doesn’t Have to Be Perfect to Be Beautiful https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310337909/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_a9kBCb9AG7FF9

Part memoir, part interior design inspo, she tells about how she went about making her many houses (13 all told, most of them rentals) into homes over the past 18 years. Practical, down to earth, and encouraging for those of us who don't yet have our dream house or dream budget but still want a pretty home.

Cozy Minimalist Home: More Style, Less Stuff https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310350913/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_29kBCbP4RSR2V

Almost no "decluttering" dictates, unless you find honing your home's purpose and, in turn, its decor, releases you to purge what no longer serves the design of your home. This book is like Interior Design 101, explaining scale, light, texture, etc. and then instructing how to apply it room by room in your home. Don't expect tips on how to store your record collection, do expect to go get a bigger rug.

A Catholic mom group I was apart of, one of the books that we did was The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman. I would also recommend Boundaries with Kids: How Healthy Choices Grows Healthy Children by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

123 Magic has really helped my husband and I with our three-anger. Implementing the strategy was easy and has brought so much peace to our home. How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Parenting with Love and Logic are the other 2 we have referenced lots of times. But if you are looking for more of a story Bringing Up Bebe was a fun read.

[The Ology] (https://www.amazon.com/Ology-Ancient-Truths-Ever-New/dp/194257228X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1505141243&sr=8-1&keywords=the+ology)

[The Biggest Story] (https://www.amazon.com/Biggest-Story-Crusher-Brings-Garden/dp/1433542447/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_sims?ie=UTF8)

[The Garden, The Curtain, and The Cross] (https://www.amazon.com/Garden-Curtain-Cross-Carl-Laferton/dp/1784980129/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1784980129&pd_rd_r=SRJK22K32PDBVHDMVS1V&pd_rd_w=nHBgO&pd_rd_wg=i2BQJ&psc=1&refRID=SRJK22K32PDBVHDMVS1V)

[The Jesus Storybook Bible] (https://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Storybook-Bible-Every-Whispers-ebook/dp/B007WRPUFE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1505142412&sr=8-1&keywords=children%27s+bible+jago+lloyd-jones)* With caveats. Jesus is depicted in pictures, and I think the redemption-historical expositional method is stretched in places.

[Seeds Family Worship] (https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-music&field-keywords=Seeds+family+worship)

And so far every faithful Bible translation I've read has been thoroughly Reformed :-P

And then, just for laughs:
Help Mom! There are Arminians Under My Bed!

For you: Parenting with Love and Logic.

For the baby: The 20th-Century Children's Book Treasury: Picture Books and Stories to Read Aloud. Every children's book you'll ever need, and it covers stories for many ages. This is out of print, so get it while you can. Get two, so you have a backup.

For both of you as she grows in faith: The Message (New Testament)

Edit: It dawns on me the recommendation of The Message might seem odd. I threw it in because it's a great way for kids to start reading the Bible since the language is in modern vernacular.

I have a few questions on your post.

Year long engagement? There are valid reasons for a long engagement and yours may be one. But, my friendly advice is to make it shorter if it's at all possible.

Also, would you really want something that stops once you get married? Why not use the opportunity to start on the practice of regular family worship time? This would your search to something that you can continue into your marriage.

Don Whitney has a new, short book about doing Family Worship

My wife and I had to work through the same thing with our oldest. He’s almost 5 and we are still working to help him.

What we realized early on (at ~2 yrs old) was that sitting in church was hard because there was no other context where he is expected to sit for an extended period of time without being able to move around and play. So we thought about what we could do during the week to make it more normal. We decided on meal time. Every meal we worked on training him to stay in his seat for the entire meal. No getting up. To turning around in his seat. No yelling. No toys. We sit together as a family and eat our meal together.

The more we worked at meal time the more we realized that a lot of the behavior issues we dealt with in general manifested at meal time. Not necessarily disobedience issues, but also general behavior like squirminess. We concluded that if we diligently fought the battle of the dinner table then we would have a leg up in all the other battles. It’s not the only battle for us, just a key one. The result was that we saw incremental improvement during church.

Like I said, our oldest is almost 5 and it’s still difficult at times. But it’s better. He understands what it is that is expected of him which is the first step of helping to train him.

Edit: my wife reminded me that we also greatly benefited from reading Parenting in the Pew. It showed us that the ultimate goal is to train our children how to worship. This was an eye opener for us because we have a bent towards simple outward compliance. Having a quiet child in service may be nice, but it shouldn’t be our ultimate goal.

It's only been three months. She's probably lost more than one caregiver, and she doesn't know if you're sticking around either. I mean, you still have work to do re: attachment, but don't stress too much, because this isn't that unusual.

I don't have personal experience with getting a child to attach, but I've heard of some books that are pretty good: Attaching in Adoption, Parenting the Hurt Child. Hopefully you get some tips from adoptive parents here!

I may have reacted strongly to some things he said (he did not waste time and immediately reacted aggressively to me as well amiright?). I'll explain why I reacted quickly and strongly.

I didn't appreciate his posting a parenting program. I didn't consider it relevant to the discussion and as an exChristian with family members high up in the church I know that these ARE tools used to prosthelytise and convert people to religion (I watched family members try tactics like these, including opening a religious preschool so they could teach the kids to go home and since Jesus songs to their parents) or to promote essentially religious right views of the family and world views. They are based on a particular philosophical belief system and that affects the things that they say and the parenting advice that they give.

The program he is promoting is a religiously based parenting program. In that sense this is similar to the one that the Sears promote called "Attachment Parenting" (Attachment Parenting for instance encourages mothers to not work but stay home so they can attachment parent all day long, and this fits with the conservative Christian idea of women not being too independent or working outside of the home) and also similar to Babywise (which was found to cause failure to thrive syndrome in children and promotes hitting very young babies and teaching them that the parent is in charge. This idea of disciplining young babies comes out of theology because many Christians believe that people have original sin so even babies are born sinful, and you have to discipline the sin our of your children. Babywise was basically "Growing Kids God's Way" and they took out all the references to God and repackaged it but it still was based on theology not science. To an unknowing person, Babywise looked fairly innocuous and scientific at first glance). This program is likely to be similar (in spite of being marketed as "Love and Logic") in that it comes at least partly out of a religious rather than scientific worldview and mindset and its directions and advice will promote that. I don't think that this program is necessarily similarly abusive but I think that it is worth being aware of how these philosophical underpinnings influence a program's parenting advice, and can advance a particular view of the world and family and to some extent particular political views.

THAT is why I reacted strongly to what he said. I wasn't happy about seeing a recommendation for a non scientifically grounded parenting program like that and particularly not in an unsolicited way. By all means if you or others are interested in the parenting programs go ahead and explore keeping in mind what I pointed out.

And most people on here probably do not realize nor are aware of the things I pointed out above, we generally are not manipulative towards others and so we do not easily spot manipulation in others, but please stop and think about what I said for a few minutes.

> ninja edit: After reading your post history I can sympathize with some of the things you're going through. Making judgments about other redditor's parenting skills from a single comment or assuming there are hidden motivations or trying to imply someone isn't really an INTP... you're coming across as aggressive.

I hope that now that I have explained myself you understand better where I am coming from. I did respond aggressively because I wasn't happy due to the reasons I mentioned above but I hope you understand why now. There is also no reason to read into my intentions or personal situation or psychoanalyze me. As you can see my particular personal situation which you may have read about isn't necessarily the reason I found that recommendation worrying. Just as you read into my posting history and found cause for empathy he may also have read into my posting history and been triggered to swear at me.

Take a look at the reviews on here:
http://www.amazon.ca/Parenting-Love-Logic-Teaching-Responsibility/dp/1576839540

The Smart Step Family There's also "The Smart Step Dad" and "The Smart Step Mom"

Hey Solus - my husband bobwhiz and I are expecting our first in August. Although we were both raised in Christian homes, I can totally relate to the feeling of terror at the thought of raising a child, especially as our calling is to point that child to Christ.

This book - Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp - was recommended to me. We got it and have been reading through it. I highly recommend it simply from a philosophical standpoint. The first half is entirely theory (and from a reformed, Biblical position), and the second half is practical application from newborns through the teenage years. As a note, the author advocates using the rod - so if spanking is off the charts for you, note that this book does endorse it. However, even if you are against spanking the first half alone is worth it in my eyes.

Prayers for you my brother.

Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus by Elyse Fitzpatrick


https://www.amazon.com/Give-Them-Grace-Dazzling-Jesus/dp/1433520095

How about Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus?

It’s actually not a pdf but a book. I bought it through the Apple book store but it’s available elsewhere. Here’s the link to Amazon where you can read the description and also a sample. https://www.amazon.com/Unwanted-Sexual-Brokenness-Reveals-Healing/dp/1631466720. I’ve really enjoyed it so far.

I might get downvoted for filtering it to 1-star ratings but this is the best way to get across the content of the book.

I have 3 kiddos, ages 3, 5, and 6. Last year I read the book "Loving Our Kids on Purpose" and it was really eye-opening for me. My husband and I already try to raise them in a non-punitive/loving/gentle manner, but around age 5 it became harder to suss out the how and why, which this book really hit on; a lot of it is about thinking long-term about what kind of relationship you want with them, and raising them to be able to make age-appropriate decisions rather than forcing them into specific rules at home that won't apply once they move out.
It is written from a Christian perspective, so if that doesn't apply you may not find it as useful as I did.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0768427398?pc_redir=1408253393&robot_redir=1

Buy this book now: Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know by Meg Meeker

It will help you understand how much her life will be shaped by your actions and behavior and how ultimately she might be choosing a partner that will be similar to you. It has a lot of christian nonsense the can be skipped and still get a lot from it.


http://www.amazon.com/dp/0345499395/ref=cm_sw_r_udp_awd_upL0tb1B86TPR

Also, on more of the personal / family side - Strong Father Strong Daughter profoundly changed my outlook on the responsibilities of fatherhood.

http://www.amazon.com/Strong-Fathers-Daughters-Secrets-Father/dp/0345499395/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1395712737&sr=1-1&keywords=strong+father+strong+daughter

I would recommend reading Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing by Jay Stringer. It's a good book that explains how psychological factors can influence unwanted sexual behavior, and it does this through a Christian perspective regarding human sexuality. Full disclosure, I am not benefiting from the sale of this book, I just thought it was a really interesting read.

Keep wearing it - and make sure you're fulfilling the obligations that come with it (the daily prayers, particularly - which include the rosary, if I recall).

Go to confession, receive absolution, and begin making the changes necessary to be free of sexual temptation & sin.

I recommend the book Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing by Jay Stringer for any & all looking to discover the needs behind sexual temptation. I'm reading it myself and am better for it.

My wife is the oldest of her siblings, three boys, and I think it works so well. Much of it has to do with the way they were raised, but because she is so protective of them, and the way they look up to her, I wanted a girl first, and I got my wish. I don't care what comes next, though I'm partial to girls because they're easier when they're young, and I'm older than the average dad.

If yours is a girl, get this book.

Finally, here's how we learned her gender. We gave the doctor a small pouch with a boy and girl doll inside and asked him to remove one after reviewing the ultrasound. He left the room, came back and handed it back to us. We had dinner that night with the pouch sitting on the table, and opened it before dessert.

Look into foster/adoption parent resources

I would start with http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Hurt-Child-Adoptive-Hollywood/dp/1600062903

-- edit -- congrats for being there for your new child and wanting to help her more.

[Parenting in the Pew](Parenting in the Pew: Guiding Your Children into the Joy of Worship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0830823409/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_SBfKxb7XHY201)

Fill These Hearts: God, Sex, and the Universal Longing https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0307987159/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_4oZWDb9PMRV31

Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing https://smile.amazon.com/dp/1631466720/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_aNmUDbFFFZWKZ

Granted he's not her biological father, but I can't recommend enough Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters. Really a quality book.

Want to read some amazing things in one man's life with religion, check out a book called Love Does.

(1) What does leading your family look like to you? Is it reading the Bible together? You could be absolutely diligent at reading the Bible together and not be leading well. If you aren't setting a consistent godly example, no one will be interested in following your leadership, because it's not working in your own life. I don't know you so that's maybe not the case, but, in my experience, wives who get frustrated by their husband trying to read the Bible with them are generally already upset with his weak character. Are you living leadership or just trying to read with her and call it leadership?

(2) Help your daughter understand the Bible. We separate my 3-year-old from my 4 and 6-year-old for devotions because she is far enough behind them developmentally that she doesn't get much from teaching on their level and they don't get much from teaching on hers. She gets disruptive because she's bored when it's above her level.

Maybe your daughter just isn't ready to have the Bible read to her. Thankfully there are a number of resources that are available to you. The Jesus Story Book Bible, The Biggest Story, The Big Picture Story Bible, The Gospel Story Bible, my personal favorite is The Big Picture Interactive 52-Week Bible Story Devotional. If you're teaching on her level she will be a lot more engaged.

I hope recommending a book doesn't seem callous in this moment of your despair. But I found this book incredibly helpful and insightful:

Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing by Jay Stringer

Stringer is a Christian counselor and pastor and his book is really well researched. He doesn't tell you to just "try harder," he helps identify the factors that contribute to unwanted sexual desires and activity.

Speaking of counseling, that's my other piece of advice: get connected with a Christian counselor. The counselors at http://www.globalcounselingnetwork.com/ are generally Reformed and many are products of the M.A. in Counseling program at Covenant Theological Seminary in St. Louis.

Finally, speak to an elder at your church. Tell him what happened as soon as you can. You need to let them know how you're struggling and they should be there for you on this. Maybe this elder can read through the book with you.

This actually is not that far from something some parents actually do to discipline their kids, particularly among fundamentalist Christians in the US. The actress who played Blair on The Facts of Life published a book promoting the use of hot sauce on the tongue as a Christian child discipline technique.

ESH - Y'all need to see a therapist. Especially one who specializes with kids. Need to be consistent and agreed on the ground rules between the two of you and how you treat all the kids. Try this book for him too: https://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Love-Logic-Updated-Expanded/dp/1576839540

This is the best book I know on the topic.

https://www.amazon.com/Family-Worship-Bible-History-Your/dp/1633895351

I think what you want for your kids is what you want for anyone. They need examples, but they also need to be able to find answers for themselves.

I'd recommend reading this.

The people that are saying "Don't expect anything better from a two year old" are off-base. Having low standards for children is mainly an American cultural thing. I suggest reading "Parenting with Love and Logic" . Seriously, if you only read one book, make it this one. Make your fiance read it too.

There's not a lot you can do by yourself without your fiance's help. She will need to be the main enforcer. Be 100% consistent in your consequences, and act with empathy and concern, and not out of anger. It's important that she understands the consequence happened because she made a bad decision, and not because her parents are angry.

Another great book, if you are a reader, is French Children Dont Throw Food.

Love Does

http://www.amazon.com/Strong-Fathers-Daughters-Secrets-Father/dp/0345499395

The Biggest Story: How the Snake Crusher Brings us Back to the Garden

http://www.amazon.com/The-Biggest-Story-Crusher-Brings/dp/1433542447

This one: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1576839540/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452001848&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=parenting+with+love+and+logic&dpPl=1&dpID=51Q4P6nPSVL&ref=plSrch

The first few reviews to show up, which I guess are the most recent, are 1 or 2 stars and say it's terrible... I think I'll get the toddler one and start that first though!

We found Parenting the Hurt Child quite good, even though our son did not experience any abuse or neglect.

The book Love and Logic is great for this. Stop being his doormat OP. It's bad for you and it will have consequences for him when he's older. He needs to know it's unacceptable to treat people this way and you need to stop shielding him from the consequences of behaving like a shithead.