(Part 2) Reddit mentions: The best grief & bereavement books

as you've already mentioned, this world can be really tough with greedy people. my advice for you is to not rely on someone else or something else to feel right. enjoy kpop for what it is - fun, dorky, polished comfort. but also see what it really is. most things are scripted. there is a lot of marketing behind it. people get plastic surgery to look like that or eat very little to attain that sort of body. this is neither healthy nor a very happy life.

still, you genuinely laughed and cried with those 9 girls. this is real. don't give anyone the power to take that away from you. be proud that although you've went through so much shit already in your young life, you still have the full capacity to laugh, cry, love, hope and dream. this journey with snsd might be over but what you've learned - the laughing, loving etc. you can bring into your life bit by bit and you'll see that you'll be alright.

take good care of your mental and physical health - be attentive of what you put into your head and into your body, the words that you take to heart or refuse to take to heart. nourish yourself. it's a big world outside. some ppl will find you feeling sad about a kpop group breaking up ridiculous, but you will just as well find others who share your sadness. do what feels right for you. if you feel sad because you feel like you lost best friends whm you've shared great moments with, then mourn it, so you can move on. you are still so young and life can be a bitch but can offer lots of great things as well, you know. you have the capacity to experience it. that's wonderful. i know some 'successful' people who are dead inside. that's really awful. can you imagine living never being able to laugh like you did or love like you did?

if you still need some closure and understanding concerning the topic of death, i can recommend you this book http://www.amazon.com/Life-Lessons-Experts-Mysteries-Living-ebook/dp/B006YDFYN0/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1412217844&sr=8-2&keywords=elisabeth+kessler

the authors have worked closely with patients who faced death. there is a lot to be learned about life from death. hopefully it can provide you a positive POV about life and being alive now.

anthony de mello's thoughts on awareness https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3YSEybo71M really changed my view on life a lot. i hope it helps you too, to not depend on others to live a happy and healthy life.

all the best.

I’m so, so sorry. Sometimes horrible, random things happen and it just sucks and breaks your heart. It WILL get better over time, but You have to allow yourself to process this and to grieve, and you also have to give yourself permission to forgive the entire situation. Forgive yourself if you need to, forgive your pup for jumping if you need to, forgive the driver who hit your pup, forgive God, forgive life. Forgive it all. Hold your hands over your heart and repeat “I forgive (myself, pup, driver, god, life) and wish (myself, pup, driver, god, life) love, happiness and peace”. Do this a lot, until it is real for you. Forgiveness is the key to allowing yourself to let go of the pain and trauma of the situation, and to find peace and to remember your dog with love and happy memories. I also recommend the book Going Home. It’s a beautiful tribute to pets who had to leave us (in whatever way they do), and to us who are missing them and hurting. A Very moving and healing book.

https://www.amazon.com/Going-Home-Finding-Peace-When/dp/0345502701/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1537329274&sr=8-1&keywords=going+home+finding+peace+when+pets+die&dpID=51q8xUTVRdL&preST=_SY344_BO1,204,203,200QL70&dpSrc=srch

I know you’re hurting right now. Consider that your sweet dog is around you right now, and will stay until you’re okay again. Talk to him, he’ll hear you. If you’re open to it, you’ll see the signs. He loves you. He knows how much you love him and he wants you to be happy again. That’s just how dogs are 😊. Take good care of yourself, this too shall pass.

Edit: had to change all the “she’s” to “he’s”.

Hello! I have lots of recommendations for you, though, I can't think of much for ethics off the top of my head, except for textbooks. I did take an online class that teaches students about genetic counseling offered by South Carolina and some ethical issues were discussed there. Like you, I also love reading and have found a variety of resources. For starters, this subreddit posts decent articles from time to time, so lurk here!


Textbooks
A Guide to Genetic Counseling: This is like the book for genetic counseling programs. It offers a comprehensive overview of counseling and most ethical things I've read about are through this text.


Facilitating the Genetic Counseling Process: This book is designed to help you learn how to communicate effectively with clients/patients.


There are more textbooks to read about genetic counseling that you can find via Amazon. If you want to learn more about diseases, maybe check out Smith's Recognizable Patterns of Human Malformation.


Online
I have found a few things to read online. In case you haven't heard of it The DNA Exchange is excellent. The writers are great and they tackle a whole host of issues. Two magazines I really enjoy are Genome and Helix.


Also, if you're not familiar with GINA, the National Coalition for Health Professional Education in Genetics (NCHPEG) has a web page that explains it nicely.


Also, Unique has the cutest comic ever that explains rare diseases to siblings. Not to mention, that website has a lot of handouts on rare disorders!


Books
I found out about 90% of these books through the online class I took, which I mentioned at the beginning of this comment. I decided to link and give a few lines of each Amazon description to you so you don't have tab fatigue. Of these books, I have read Waiting with Gabriel and Before and After Zachariah. Both are excellent and raise great discussion points.


Choosing Naia: A Family's Journey by Mitchell Zuckoff - A dramatic and carefully detailed account of one family's journey through the maze of genetic counseling, medical technology and disability rights.


Babyface: A Story of Heart and Bones by Jeanne McDermott - When Jeanne McDermott's second child, Nathaniel, was born with Apert syndrome-a condition that results in a towering skull, a sunken face, and fingers webbed so tightly that hands look like mittens-she was completely unprepared for it. In this extraordinary memoir, McDermott calls on her dual roles as science journalist and mother to share her family's traumatic yet enriching experience.


Waiting with Gabriel by Amy Kuebelbeck - This memoir is the true story of parents who were told that their unborn baby had an incurable heart condition, confronting them with an impossible decision: to attempt risky surgeries to give their baby a chance at a longer life, or to continue the pregnancy and embrace their baby's life as it would unfold, from conception to natural death.


Expecting Adam: A True Story of Birth, Rebirth and Everyday Magic by Martha Beck - Expecting Adam is an autobiographical tale of an academically oriented Harvard couple who conceive a baby with Down's syndrome and decide to carry him to term.


Spelling Love with an X: A Mother, A Son, and the Gene that Binds Them by Clare Dunsford - Spelling Love with an X is the first personal memoir about living with fragile X and a reflection on the fragility of human identity in the age of the gene. Recalling the psychic wound of learning that she is genetically "flawed," Dunsford wonders: What do you do when you discover that you are not who you thought you were?


The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down by Anne Fadiman - The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down explores the clash between a small county hospital in California and a refugee family from Laos over the care of Lia Lee, a Hmong child diagnosed with severe epilepsy. Lia's parents and her doctors both wanted what was best for Lia, but the lack of understanding between them led to tragedy.


Give Me One Wish by Jacquie Gordon - This is the story of a remarkable mother and daughter and their love as they make sense of life, and their relationship, in the face of a deadly disease. Jackquie Gordon cannot cure her daughter Christine's cystic fibrosis, but she can teach her to follow life's gifts wherever they lead so that she grows up eager to discover the world and her place in it.


Before and After Zachariah by Fern Kupfer - The heart-wrenching story of one couple's courageous decision to have their severely brain-damaged son cared for in a residential facility.


Anna: A Daughter's Life by William Loizeaux - Born with a number of birth defects known as VATER Syndrome, Anna Loizeaux’s chances for survival were uncertain.


Old Before My Time by Hayley Okines - In medical terms her body is like that of a 100-year-old woman. Yet she faces her condition with immense courage and a refreshing lack of self-pity.


Pretty is What Changes: Impossible Choices, the Breast Cancer Gene, and How I Defied my Destiny by Jessica Queller - Eleven months after her mother succumbs to cancer, Jessica Queller has herself tested for the BRCA gene mutation. The results come back positive, putting her at a terrifyingly elevated risk of developing breast cancer before the age of fifty and ovarian cancer in her lifetime.


There's also Lisa Genova's books. You've probably heard of Still Alice, which is about a woman who is diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's. That was a good read! Her other books also deal with various medical diagnoses and I've heard Inside the O'Briens is quite good as well.


I hope this all helps. I apologize for the length, but I really wanted to share what I could! If you're interested, I could give you some ethical dilemmas to think about. I remember a few from interviews and reading about genetics. Good luck. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about applications/interviews!

I also lost my partner while relatively young (though not as young as your son), and I'll offer you some "counter-advice." Assuming the general natural order of things, you are older than your son. :) My mother spent the entire first visit after my partner died, worrying out loud about what would happen when her partner died. It was incredibly insensitive and it took me over a year to really forgive her for it. (I mean, obviously, it's a thing she worries about, but WOW was I not the right person to worry about it to.)

The best grieving book I've read is (Grieving: A Beginner's Guide)[https://smile.amazon.com/Grieving-Beginners-Jerusha-Hull-McCormack/dp/1557254931], it is specifically targeted at people who have lost their partners, but is easily generalizable. There is a special section in it for people who know people who have lost people. (It's at the end! Make sure to look for it.)

In general, yes, availability to talk, yes, financial support. Also, convenience things. I don't have children, but I needed the people who brought me food. I bet he needs that even more. Since you're far away, signing up with whatever his local equivalent of foodkick, peapod, instacart-- something that will deliver groceries. I also had a friend who gave me her login to foodler, which aggregates take-out places. And a couple days I wouldn't have eaten at all, except that I knew I could order on her account. (The early days were fraught with money problems. They still are, but not on the "I can't buy groceries" level). Sometimes, it's easier to accept a login to a grocery or takeout service than it is to accept cashmonies. Even though it's the same thing at some level, I think it's easier to accept food than money. Along the same way, depending on how he shops, adding your credit card to his amazon account or such might also be a roundabout way of providing support.

I also really appreciated remembrances of my love. Just little silly anecdotes that people remembered. I think (again since you're far away) a post card or paper letter saying "I really value that time when she did X and we enjoyed Y..." might go a long way.

I wrote a billion of thank you notes after the memorial. I never got a single follow-up from his colleagues, checking in. Encouraging other people to check-in, gently, may also be a thing.

Oh so sorry!

A couple of thoughts for you (sorry if you've already covered any of this). Since you're not religious, how do you approach talking to him about what happens when someone dies? We also do not go to church, but the concept of "angels" and "heaven" and "spirits" have worked their way in. Surprisingly, I find that I am ok with this. It's a little hard for me to fathom that this life on earth is all that there ever is - imagine how scary that concept would be for a little kid! When we discuss this topic, I just tell my daughter that people can never know, but you just have to determine what it is that you believe. I guess I really feel that every person has to decide this for themselves at some point.

Anyway, my husband and I still struggle with how to approach this... I guess we'll learn as we go.

Secondly - do you share some of your feelings with him? I think if you share some carefully selected feelings that might enable him to share more too? I can only assume that the more talking he can do about this, the better?

Thirdly, we have the book "The Invisible String." Have you read that? We got it for my daughter when she was having trouble separating at school. It talks about an invisible string that connects all of our hearts and you can tug on it any time you are thinking of a loved one - alive or past. It really stresses the fact that we are never really alone - b/c we carry our loved ones in our hearts. I do believe that it uses "God and/or Heaven" but not to a great extent. Again - we're not religious, but both felt comfortable with how this was handled in this book.

One other book that was introduced at one of our parenting class was this one: http://www.amazon.com/Next-Place-Warren-Hanson/dp/0931674328/ref=pd_sim_b9

I took a look when it was passed around, but never sat down to read the whole thing. Our parent educator thought it was a good one.

Best wishes and hugs to you! I'm so sorry for your loss and grief.

I love this! Thank you so much for working on this project!

Here are my suggestions please add what you feel is appropriate :)

FICTION
A Door Near Here by Heather Quarles. - it's about a family with an alcoholic mother from the children's point of view. As an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) it's quite realistic as far as the mother's behavior.

A Wrinkle in Time - includes father/daughter relationships, sibling relationships and self esteem.

Push Inspiration for the movie Precious. I love this book but it is a tough one to read.

NON FICTION:

Hospice related: Final Gifts I also recommend this one to families of a dying loved one

My Mother Myself mother daughter relationships

Will I Ever be Good Enough. Another book about mother-daughter relationships but focuses on dealing with mothers with narcissistic behaviors.

Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayad

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Hyperbole and a Half Funny as fuck and talks about depression.

I do have a list of caregiver books that I give to loved ones of someone on hospice. I'm too lazy to look it up right now lol but if there's interest let me know and I'll post it.

Also, is there any interest in a social work related podcasts wiki? I know quite a few that deal with issues we work with such as alcoholism, addiction, recovery etc.

>Glad to hear that you've got a support system in place. Too many people find themselves completely alone once they leave their religion as the only friends they had were in their church and their family disowns them.

My family decided to be assholes but only after the election was full-blown and they realized I was also a Liberal feminist as well as atheist. My dad just got upset that I consider him stupid (because he gives tons of money to his church) and my brother in law has railed me quite a few times, saying "You were never a true Christian anyway" which is super ironic. I was definitely a true Christian.

>I have to admit that I'm a bit surprised that you're making use of professional therapy. Many people seem to want to avoid that even though it no doubt helps greatly. I applaud your choice!

Well, three professors told me I should see a therapist back in 2005/2006 so I did. Then she started telling me what to do, so I stopped. I actually was on again, off again until 3 weeks ago because I couldn't find a good match. This one is pretty cool and I went from feeling really flat-lined emotionally to being happy, my sense of humor is back, and I'm creative again. I spoke with this really great writer, Joel Peckham, about how he managed to write his memoir, Resisting Elegy, and he said therapy helped him. I asked Joel that question because I've been writing my memoir for 3 years and have had interest from a major literary agent (who rejected it eventually) and 6 TV producers BUT bringing all this shit up was like throwing me back into the trauma zone. It was damaging. So, when Joel suggested therapy, I thought I'd give it another go. That, and my blog has taken it's toll on me. I was about to erase it all from the internet because of emails like THIS that I get nonstop. The amount of hate or just plain judgement I get was/is tough to deal with. There's not a day that goes by when I don't get personally affected.

>Just out of curiosity, did you get a reply?

Yes, an intern walked me through the stuff I needed to gather to get a case going. Unfortunately I had no documentation and couldn't get anyone to help me find it. I had evidence that a big named governor preached in a church around election time, which is probably more common than not, but he's been tossed around as the next Republican candidate for election so I wanted to get press on his associations with my former pastor who is bat shit crazy.

>Yeah, the more hard core and vocal atheists tend to have come from a strongly religious background. Most mellow out after a bit of rebelliousness against their former faith, though there are those who stay strongly antitheism. Typically the atheists in this reddit aren't too aggressive unless you're looking at the front page. If you stay in the /new section that's where the more reasonable atheists hang out and actual discussions occur.

Thanks for saying that about the /new section and the aggressive ones. I've posted in here before and was really turned off by the amount of attacks I got over an atheist post. I'm pretty vocal and hardcore sometimes and it used to embarrass me and it still bothers me that it ruins friendships with people I really liked, but ultimately, it's because of my personal history with religion. I'm more antitheist than Friedrich Nietzsche in The Anti-Christ.

>See, now you just have to tell your story and explain that one!

LOL When I was working on my book with a friend she said it was really important to talk about things that seemed 'ordinary' to me (like this) because chances are they aren't as ordinary as I think they are. It helped when this journalist was interviewing me for a women's magazine. I find that interviews really let my story be seen for what it really is. I have a harder time showing the true essence of how bad it was. Here's an interview I did a few years ago for an NPR affiliate station that tells some of my story. But yeah, I'll try to put something together to post.

> I have learned one thing I’m not going till it’s actually time for me to go.

You have amazing perspective! I have had enough proof of that in my life to convince me of that. Death is just as much a part of life as birth. I was fortunate enough to serve as a friend's death doula and her death from terminal cancer went very much like a labor and delivery, but in reverse. It was THE most beautiful experience of my life, which is why I am now choosing to serve as a death doula for others.

I hope you both won't mind if I suggest the Pulitzer prize winning book by Ernest Becker called Denial of Death:

"Winner of the Pulitzer prize in 1974 and the culmination of a life's work, The Denial of Death is Ernest Becker's brilliant and impassioned answer to the "why" of human existence. In bold contrast to the predominant Freudian school of thought, Becker tackles the problem of the vital lie -- man's refusal to acknowledge his own mortality. In doing so, he sheds new light on the nature of humanity and issues a call to life and its living that still resonates more than twenty years after its writing."

Wishing you both godspeed when your time comes!

Hi there...I'm Heather. Long time watcher who recently did an intro here on RAoA.
I would really love this book
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Grieving-Death-Mother-Harold-Smith/dp/0806643471">"Grieving the Death of a Mother"</a>

I hope I did that right, since I am so new here, I wasn't sure how to work all the links.

Mostly I want the book because I found out my mother is terminally ill, and I am looking for other ways to adjust and embrace it, if you will. I have never had a Kindle, but absolutly love to read.
I'm not trying to get people to feel sorry for me...So I hope it's not taken that way. I would love to enter your contest. And you are a wonderful person for offering this item as a gift. :) <3

My recommendations are not particularly ethics focused either but I found them all interesting and think they all give good insight into different aspects of genetic counseling- whether that's what it's like to be a healthcare provider or someone living with a family member with a genetic condition.

My Foreign Cities: Just finished this one. A beautiful memoir about a woman and her marriage to her high school sweetheart, who had cystic fibrosis.

Genetic Rounds: A Doctor's Encounters in the Field that Revolutionized Medicine: A series of stories about the experiences of a pediatric geneticist.

Far From the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity: One of my favorite books. It explores what happens when children turn out to be very different from their parents in some way, with chapters dedicated to children with autism, Down syndrome, schizophrenia, and multiple severe disabilities, among other things.

[The Still Point of the Turning World] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1594205124/ref=x_gr_w_glide_bb?ie=UTF8&tag=x_gr_w_glide_bb-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1594205124&SubscriptionId=1MGPYB6YW3HWK55XCGG2): A memoir by a mother whose son is diagnosed with Tay-Sachs disease.

I also want to second The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down- another favorite of mine!

I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you.

When my nephew passed away very suddenly (he died in his sleep at 29yo), my sons were only 3yo. We were very close and he was at my home almost every day until he passed. My little guys were constantly asking where he was and why he wasn't coming over. I did my best, but a friend bought them this book and it really, really helped explain things. It doesn't use the word "heaven" and it isn't religious but it isn't exactly an atheistic approach. I"m not sure if this fits in with your belief system, but it might be a tool for you to begin the conversation.

There are other good books out there as well. I found that talking about Pat a lot, keeping open a conversation about him and acknowledging my own sadness out loud was actually really comforting to them. I kept his pictures around and made sure I didn't hide how sad I was (I was a mess, I did hide that part).

One day, without my prompting, one of my son's decided that Patrick had turned into a star. He was looking out his window and Venus was shining really bright near the moon and he decided that that is where Patrick went. I told him it wasn't a star, but it was a whole other world out there called Venus. He nodded his head and confirmed that yes, that was where Patrick was. In outer space. It was entirely adorable, sweet and so sad. Ever since that night though.... he seemed to be okay with things.

I share my truth, not THE truth. all truths are true.

​

I have found that there is no death that death is just an illusion. This is what you are picking up on intuitively. There is no "stupid darkness." Just continued life, outside of the body which is just temporary to begin with. We are eternal spirits having a human experienced, as illustrated scientifically in the book Journey Of Souls, by Michael P. Newton. A used copy of this book can be obtained for like $4 on amazon used. It is very illuminating. This is the book that woke me up the most. And started me on my spiritual life journey.

​

We are alive in order to seek happiness, by following our excitement. Excitement is the compass pointing us north to where our higher self wants us to go. This is what "woke" people have learned to do. And we see great results from practicing this in any given moment.

​

"Unwoke" people do not know this and so they struggle in life and question things. Meaning, they get up in the morning and want to do A, but they choose to do B because they believe they have to do it. This is false. Its a trap. They have given their power away and also ignored their internal guidance. There is no legitimate reason to do something you do not want to do. Pigeons were created just like us and they are all happy and lack in nothing. Everything is provided for them. same with squirrels, Dolphins etc. Try it for a while and see how it goes. To the best of your ability. When you say you want something and take action on that thing, you tell the universe I want this, and so it give you more of it. When you want something and do not take action on it, you tell the universe you dont want it and so the universe does not give it to you.

​

Death is a grand adventure in itself and is fully explained in the book mentioned above and also the book Home with god, by Neale donald walsh. I say to you the first words that the angel Gabriel said to Mohammad before he gave him the Koran. Read! For it is simply knowledge that you need dear one.

​

Bless Sings

My mom frequently rescues older dogs, and said something interesting to me yesterday that helped me... depending on your belief system, I like to think that every pet you've had and loved will be waiting for you in heaven. And if that's the case, well then, shouldn't we care for as many furry friends as possible so we've got plenty of company once we have crossed over? :)

​

Also putting this out there in case it helps someone; good, quick read that has some amazing perspectives on grief. Would recommend purchasing tissues with it, though. https://smile.amazon.com/Beagle-his-Boy-Cathy-Cook/dp/1732779201/ref=sr_1_4?k

I have published a book that some might not agree with but it's my life experiences. I use it to teach others and to help those that are dealing with the loss of a loved one. I have a group on facebook of almost 10k members that helps others, too.

This is my tale of how I continue to speak to my father who died 15 years ago. My book, How to Talk to Your Dead Loved Ones in One Hour or Less is priced at $4.99 (Kindle Unlimited members read FREE) and is currently available only as an ebook.

Imagine being able to connect with those that you love who have passed beyond the veil. There is no need to pay someone a lot of money, no reason to sit in a huge venue and pray you are picked for a reading. You have everything within you to talk to them yourself. And believe me, they are anxiously awaiting for you to contact them.

It really is simple. The book takes less than an hour to read and speaking to your loved ones takes minutes to learn.

Peace love and light to all of you.

https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Your-Dead-Loved-Ones-ebook/dp/B017L7GB48/

I'm sorry for your loss. In addition to all the thoughtful comments provided I would say

1. It's ok to not be ok.
   
2. One of the first things I did was find a therapist / grief counselor that was a good match for me. I used this search engine: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/ .
   
3. It was very helpful to read books about grief, which helped reinforce point #1 (it's ok to not be ok, you're not alone in this). Like you, I was very young when my wife died. This book about young widowers has always been helpful to me: https://www.amazon.com/Im-Grieving-Fast-Can-Widowers-ebook/dp/B00DFMAJT2/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2WSQQ2BIZ2YLZ&keywords=im+grieving+as+fast+as+i+can&qid=1564357711&s=gateway&sprefix=im+grieving+%2Caps%2C129&sr=8-1
   
   Other things:
   
   
4. Keep clothes, songs (phones, playlists), recipes, books that may bring you comfort
   
5. [I got consent from my wife's family before doing this] If you know his phone password you can access things like his e-mail, from which you can reset his passwords for facebook/spotify/etc. I love listening to the music that my wife liked to listen to.
   
   I would add that for me it was helpful to stay close to my wife's family and others who knew her well. We all went through this together, while acknowledging that we all processed our grief differently. In that respect, I would encourage you to seek out people who knew your husband.

Not a book recommendation, but I really, really recommend watching the documentary Alive Inside. I believe it's still on Netflix? What I learned about music therapy from it has helped me connect very deeply with multiple dementia and Parkinson's patients over the years.

The late, great Oliver Sacks also stars as an expert on it, and he wrote Musicophilia, of which there are a couple of chapters that deal with music & memory. I really enjoyed reading that.

Edit: Found my booklist. Here's a really simple handbook that helps guide you in having difficult conversations with seriously ill patients and their families about the patient's condition. It's aimed primarily at doctors (it was made for oncologists originally), but many of its tenets and suggestions can be applied to any level of caregiver.

• Mastering Communication with Seriously Ill Patients: Balancing Honesty with Empathy and Hope by Back, Arnold, and Tusky
  
  Because you're working on a dementia unit, I'd also start familiarizing yourself with death & dying - not just the physiological process, but the ethical and philosophical levels as well (both societal and personal). If you're not familiar with it, working with dying people can be very scary and uncomfortable, and you'll find yourself feeling moral distress because you're mentally still trying to apply curing principles of care to someone who cannot be cured. Once you become more familiar with this stage of life, you're probably going to recognize a lot of aggressive, futile care happening, and THAT's going to become emotionally very difficult for you.
  
  Recs on that:
  
  
• Being Mortal by Atul Gawande
  
  
• How We Die by Sherwin B Nuland
  
  
• Being with Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death by Joan Halifax
  
  
• The End-of-Life Handbook: A Compassionate Guide to Connecting with and Caring for a Dying Loved One by David Feldman

Cancer sucks. It is a horrible disease, and my heart breaks for your family.


You have said that her cancer is terminal. Please have a very frank talk with her on whether she wants to continue the chemo, or just accept palliative care. Find our from her oncologist what the hoped-for outcome is with this next round of chemo. Often times chemo can buy extra time, but sometimes at quite a price in terms of being very uncomfortable because of the side effects. Is three months of relative comfort better than six months of throwing up or losing your hair and having nerve pain in the hands and feet from the chemo. That is an individual choice, and there is no right or wrong answer - what is right for one is wrong for another.

Everyone's choice is different - some want every last possible moment on this earth, regardless of what they have to go through to get it. Others are accepting of the inevitable and want to be as comfortable as possible.

Like I said, there is no wrong choice, but I hope that whatever your mom chooses she does so because it is what she wants, not because of what someone else wants or what she thinks she ought to do.

I've been through this both ways with different family members. I have my opinions, but respect that they can be different than others choices.

Advocate for your mom to get her in to a hospice program. Home hospice is good, but if you can find a hospice house, those are usually great. Almost all are covered by insurance. They can help answer your questions.

I strongly suggest the book final gifts (you read it, not your mom). http://www.amazon.com/Final-Gifts-Understanding-Awareness-Communications/dp/0553378767.

All I can say is they seem to know when their time to go is, and they will communicate it, but often in subtle ways.

Best to your family in this hard time.

Oh, I’ve heard of that kitty (Oscar) and love that story! I’m also a nurse, so it’s held a special place in my heart. There’s a book written about it, “Making Rounds With Oscar” if anyone’s interested! Thanks for reminding me of this story :)

I am very sorry for your loss. I don't have any first hand experience with this, I wouldn't feel right to say any advice, but I know about this book, it is supposed to be best book out there on this subject, from the reviews I believe it will help you.

https://www.amazon.com/Grief-Recovery-Handbook-Anniversary-Expanded-ebook/dp/B001NLKYIS

From this link you can download a pdf copy right now, I promise it is safe to.

<3

I would recommend reading the book The Denial of Death. It will help you understand your mind, it goes through child psychology as well as existential philosophy. The things you feel are pretty natural once you have seen through the illusion society helped you construct as a child.

Turn your passive nihilism into active nihilism. Create things you want, even if you don't know the everlasting point or meaning in what you're creating, it'll have some short term point and meaning to you.

I have never met a happy passive nihilist.

I don't think I'm up to that one right now, but I've put it on my list.

I found this one eye-opening and reassuring - in that I feel like I know better how to understand and control the conditions and circumstances of my own eventual demise.

>Should we care why people are religious?

Yes, because only if we understand why, will we be able to change minds. For many, it is an emotional reason, and for us to say, their emotions don't matter, is us continuing to leave them in their current state.

Instead if we understand their reasons, we may be better able to change their minds.

I would recommend a book called, The Denial of Death, by Ernest Becker. It won the Pulitzer Prize in 1974.

https://www.amazon.com/Denial-Death-Ernest-Becker/dp/0684832402/

If you understand the underlying fear of non-existence, and the deep desire to say we get to live forever in some fantasy land and that real death does not exist, then you can address the emotional side of religion and allow people to make more rational decisions.

I mean, you are in a Death and Dying class, for pete's sake. Of course you should care why people are religious. That's a main reason why people are religious, so should be a main issue for the class.

That's never easy. You're not going to move past it, especially not that fast. You're going to grieve and it's going to hurt. But you're going to learn to cope. You're not going to "get over it" but you're going to find a way to proceed with your life as is.

I'd recommend reading No Time to Say Goodbye by Carla Fine if and when you feel you're ready. It's a really good read that might provide you with some perspective. Don't forget to keep supportive people close to you. It's okay to have alone time if you need that, but don't isolate yourself. I'm sorry you lost your cousin. I'm sorry you're going through that pain. All the best, OP.

If you want to sort through some of these feelings with a little help, I want to recommend you a book I really like which deals with death and how to relate to it, The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker. It will introduce you to existensialism and it's concepts.

The reason I recommend this book is not because it's a Pulizer Prize winning book, but because the way to get rid of fear and anxiety is to face it, confront it, and ultimately learn from it. This book may help you do that. It might not, but since you're alive, you might as well try. Don't you think?

Really interesting book -- "How We Die." Its a great read anyways, and it may give you a new perspective.

Join a support group: https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/find-a-support-group/

Affordable counseling: https://openpathcollective.org/

Book to read: https://www.amazon.com/No-Time-Say-Goodbye-Surviving/dp/0385485514

Things will get better.

I've never read this book, but I've heard great things about it:

http://www.amazon.com/How-We-Die-Reflections-Chapter/dp/0679742441

The philosopher Ernest Becker explores this concept in-depth in his award winning book The Denial of Death. It's worth checking out if youre interested in this:

Denial of Death

I offer anyone in need this book at not cost if they cannot get it. I am in no way associated with the publisher but this book helped me a great deal. It is not religious. This is a clickable sentence but the sub CSS might make it not look like that

Last and First Men and Star Maker. Classic Sci-Fi, at its thought provoking best.


Edit to add How We Die. If this doesn't provoke some deep thought, either about how you want your end of life handled, or your loved ones, then you fail at being human.

Yes, I agree, the basic problem is the denial of death. Becker's book on this is the most comprehensive that I have read: https://www.amazon.com/Denial-Death-Ernest-Becker/dp/0684832402

I have a strong fear of death too, but I think that planning to do cryonics has helped me to alleviate some of it. I'm glad to hear that thinking about death-related topics helps your anxiety.

After you read Michael's book, you must read this one, the 1974 Pulitzer Prize winner on the same subject, but from an academic and a historical perspective:

https://www.amazon.com/Denial-Death-Ernest-Becker/dp/0684832402/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1538507380&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=denial+of+death&dpPl=1&dpID=51Vh3k5wdfL&ref=plSrch

1. The True Believer
   
2. The Denial of Death
   
3. God Is Not Great

Book to try: "The Next Place" by Warren Hanson. I'll try to upload a pic of my favorite page if you want.

It's on the wiki I linked but, in case you didn't catch it, give The Denial of Death a read. If you're anything like me, it will irrevocably alter your perception of your own feelings and belief system.

Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying - Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley

Multiple cases studies from a pair of hospice nurses.

What's a more likely explanation, that the Book of Mormon is translated from an ancient record of a massive Hebrew civilisation in the Americas which somehow vanished without a trace given what we know about the evidence left behind by older and smaller civilisations, or that it is the product of a nineteenth century frontier American man's fastastical imagination?

What's more likely, that there is some spooky non-material "spirit" stuff that sounds like the fantastical stuff primtive people cook up to explain things that they didn't understand or couldn't cope with (oblivion), or that the human brain is capable of generating the experience of flashes of images or sequences sounds within itself, especially under extreme stress, and given that you already have experience with this property of the brain when you have dreams and nightmares, and you've probably in your line of work had to deal with all sorts of people with malfunctioning brains who have seen, and continue to see, all sorts of crazy shit they "cannot deny" because their inner mentally generated phenomena seems more real to them than whatever accurate information about the real world their senses are conveying to them.

Even so, it's can't possibly be "all for nothing". I suggest Ronald Dworkin's Religion Without God and Ernest Becker's The Denial of Death.

"Final Gifts" is a book about just that! It's from two hospice caregivers' point of view. Find it on Amazon via http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1451667256?pc_redir=1409138001&robot_redir=1

Great book by Sherwin Nuland MD: How We Die: Reflections of Life's Final Chapter.

You should read this book.

GREAT BOOK about a cat also named Oscar.

Today I'm wearing 3Sixteen Mini Ripple Service Boots.

AOTD: Simon Crichley'a Bowie and Sherwin Nuland's How We Die.

https://www.amazon.com/Escape-Evil-Ernest-Becker/dp/0029024501

https://www.amazon.com/Denial-Death-Ernest-Becker/dp/0684832402

I don't know if Ernest Becker ever called himself an existential nihilist, but The Denial of Death is widely regarded as a book full of existential nihilist themes.

http://www.amazon.com/Denial-Death-Ernest-Becker/dp/0684832402

Not sure if it's exactly what you're looking for, but what came to mind immediately was The Denial of Death

This is a book by a physician about how people die. It is a really good read if you need to come to terms with death. They make a great approach IMHO.

Whatever you do, do NOT read existentialist books.

All that will do is reinforce and rationalize your own depressed thinking. Existentialism is rationalized depression.

Try something with actually proven CBT psychological theory. Like "Overcoming Depression" by Paul Gilbert.

Or if you want something a bit more philosophical, try "The Denial of Death." In a way, it also is existentialist and reinforces the depressive premise, but it also describes the way out, through transcending the individual self. That book is what turned me from a depressive libertarian to a happy ethnonationalist.

Sorry for your loss. Here's a really good grief recovery book: https://www.amazon.com/Grief-Recovery-Handbook-Anniversary-Expanded-ebook/dp/B001NLKYIS It's not religious or anything. It's hard, I lost my Grey several years ago and he was our only bird--the silence was awkward and unbearable. It does compound with subsequent losses--check my post history, we lost our cat of 18 years and dog of 13 in the same week. Grief is a very personal thing, my dog that we just lost was my soulmate dog--it's been two months and I think of him every day. Just was out at his grave before posting this. Time makes things better, hope you find peace. Hugs. :(

NGAF about death? Good luck with that.

I bet you would enjoy this book though: The Denial of Death It's about how so much of civilization can be interpreted as being built around denying death, and about all the issues a person has to deal with when they decide to face squarely the fact of their inevitable demise.

Highly recommend reading How We Die by Sherwin Nuland.

http://www.amazon.com/How-We-Die-Reflections-Chapter/dp/0679742441

I've seen The Grief Recovery Handbook recommended before.

I couldn't imagine the grief you going through. One of the beat tips I can give is write down your thaughts. I hate to write but I find it the most helpful for something I had to go through. I was reluctant to write down my thoughts but I felt so much calmer after I did it. Here is a book and a video that was helpful for me. Also group self help groups also helped me.

The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001NLKYIS/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_15O8BbE823T3P

https://youtu.be/mEK2pIiZ2I0


J

There's a book I read to my friend's 9 year old son when a mutual friend was killed in a car wreck. It's called "The Next Place" it's what I would recommend.

The book The Denial of Death goes into this. It can be a bit dense but the tl;dr is, humans don't want to die and create institutions and rituals that allow us to deny that we will die. For many that comes from the church, nationalism or the drive to "leave a legacy."

I think stoicism or cynicism might be interesting to you.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stoicism

There's also a book called The Denial of Death that talks about religions as responses to realizing you're dying. https://www.amazon.com/Denial-Death-Ernest-Becker/dp/0684832402

You may benefit from sampling the /r/philosophy sub. My personal recommendation: The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker Sorry you're being bullied/harassed - if you're fearing for your life don't hesitate to call the police. You may also request more police patrols in an area.

Rabies effects your nervous system as I recall. That usually goes through the blood

However skin is full of tiny capilaries. They can break and not bleed visibly.

This person should see a doctor

I've read rabies described as "a horrible way to die"

Sauce. How we Die

I'm not able to give a good concise ELI5 answer, but your answer in part will be determined by the way in which one dies. If you want further reading on the topic this book gives a run down of the sequence of events leading to death, broken down by causes of death. (The book is very readable and written with sensitivity).

The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker

A deep book without doubt. This book shows how central death is to our lives. The author died of cancer a year after the book was published.

To be honest in my sleep. I don't want to feel the pain of dying and I think that that is a peaceful way to go. I hope that I will be remembered by family and friends. My biggest fear besides death is fading into time, which I know it is inevitable. Just the thought of fading as if I never exisited or never affected the world gives me panick attacks. If anyone is intrested in the way the fear of death effects the way we think check out The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker

Sorry for your loss.

My brother killed himself 3 years ago. He called 911 and told them not to have our parents enter his house, and to send a medical examiner first. I guess I couldn't imagine stumbling upon what you saw.

Afterwards, the insurance company (either his or my father's) sent over a stack of "self help" books about dealing with suicide.

One of them I thought was a great book.

No Time to Say Goodbye

It was mostly a collection of stories form a lot of people about their experiences with the aftermath of a suicide. I think hearing the stories behind other people's handling of suicide was helpful to me.

Well, you're struggling with nothing less than the great human dilemma -- we're animals with the knowledge that we're going to die. The stuff of philosophy and art and literature and religion throughout the ages. Humans have been trying to come to terms with death since we came into existence.

I also worried about this a lot in my 20's. I worked through it, and you can too. Reading philosophy and literature helped, and learning about different religions' ideas about death. My favorite book is ["The Denial of Death"](http://www.amazon.com/Denial-Death-Ernest-Becker/dp/0684832402/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1408951036&sr=1-1& keywords=the+denial+of+death+ernest+becker) by Ernest Becker. I cried while reading it because it spoke to me so much. Also, learning about quantum theory.

I think once you have more of an idea of what you want your life to be about, and start moving in that direction, the fear of dying diminishes, at least somewhat.

I'm not sure anyone has a real good way of coping with the fact they are going to die, mainly because no one living has ever experienced it. Rather, I choose to focus on living, on making the most of this tiny little life I'm a part of now. The thought of death still brings me terror, I don't want to die, period. When I hear someone say they've accepted death, they're not anxious about it, I immediately right them off as either a phony or someone with absolutely no self-awareness.

Basically, stop trying to cope with death and start focusing on creating what you experience as a meaningful life!

Consider watching the fantastic documentary Flight From Death: The Quest for Immortality, it changed my perspective immensely. Also, Ernest Becker's The Denial of Death is fucking mind blowing.

Psychologist Ernest Becker has argued and written books for years that our society, ironically, isn't founded on a life principle but merely a "fear of death" principle - which he calls death anxiety. Dark, but revealing. Amazon link