(Part 2) Reddit mentions: The best conflict management books

What a tremendous responsibility! This is certainly a challenge, and you're brave and compassionate to be willing to give this young man a start. From my experience as a teacher, a 16-year-old is very much not an adult. I don't have children that age myself (mine is much younger), but have taught many kids in that age range who have gone through similar life events. You don't mention whether he has any disabilities, or whether he's been receiving therapy, but in my experience kids that old who are in foster care can have difficulty trusting adults and demonstrate difficult behaviors. I can give you a few of pieces of advice from my experience (again, primarily as a teacher):

• Kids do dumb stuff. He will do some things - perhaps many things - that are ludicrously stupid or dangerous. He may do some of them intentionally and some unintentionally. Your job is to be calm and safe in your response to these things. (There have been days when I find myself chanting, "I am a calm and safe adult, I am a calm and safe adult," in my head.)
  
• Show interest in his interests. This doesn't mean you need to share his interests. If he loves, for example, reading fantasy novels, you don't have to read them too. But you do need to ask about them, or buy him some, or ask about when he first started reading them.
  
• At least initially, just observe and try some things. Take an almost anthropological interest. Does he have acne? Then make an acne facewash appear in the bathroom. Does he wear the same sports team shirt over and over? A couple more of those appear in his closet. Does he show an interest in drawing? Colored pencils and a sketchpad appear in the dining room. Does he like cereal? Stock favorites in the cupboard. You get the idea. Coming at a kid with questions, especially a teenaged boy kid, often doesn't yield much, but when they notice you've noticed, they often begin to open up.
  
• Ignore secondary behaviors. These are behaviors that occur in response to a consequence or boundary. For example, when a kid finds out he's grounded and screams, "I hate you," that I hate you is the secondary behavior. That's not important unless it's actively dangerous, and engaging it will just lead to a struggle. You can practice some responses to this sort of thing, like just calmly saying, "All right," or "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "Bummer." (And you can avoid the secondary behaviors somewhat by making consequences reasonable and natural - fitting the infraction, like working to pay off something that's broken or spending time picking up trash in a local park after being caught littering.)
  
• Offer choices within limits. Perhaps offer choice about what you'll be having for dinner, or when he'll be expected to be home at night. You have to be a little more clever about it with older kids than with little ones, because you don't want them to feel manipulated. But allowing him to have control in some areas will make it easier for you to control things that are truly dangerous or non-negotiable.
  
• Be very, very consistent and trustworthy. Make your home as regular and predictable as possible. Get up at the same time every day; have the same routines for daily tasks. Mean what you say. If you say you're going to be somewhere at a certain time, you must be there at that time; if you say you're going to pick up pizza on the way home, you must pick up pizza, etc.
  
  In terms of what to read, I'd definitely ask other people who have experience this same thing. I'm sure they'll have ideas. If he's experienced trauma, I highly recommend reading or even taking a class about the sorts of effects that can have on a developing brain. Here are two books I like for this age range. Although I know you're not technically "parenting," they should still offer some good advice for getting along with teens in general:
  
  
• How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk
  
• Parenting Teens with Love and Logic
  
  Good luck! I'm sure you'll do a great job helping this young man transition from childhood to adulthood.
  
  ETA: I reread your initial post and saw that in the UK he's technically classified as an adult (!), so some of what I've said here about consequences and whatnot may apply less than it would in the US. The predictability, routine, consistency, interest, and calm are still the key things I'd focus on.

I was in a similar situation. My wife, the TBM, was ready to call every thing off. It really sucked. I stumbled upon John Dehlin's counseling web page. I texted him and set up an appointment. Considering the financial disaster divorce can be, It was worth way more than what we paid!

The guy can talk to both sides and quite literally got us talking again. Everything is still tenuous and new, last Sunday was my last day attending. However, we are communicating, we have great sex and my wife is a partner in studying the essays with our children. Is that all due to John? No. I give my wife a lot of props for being as open minded as she is. It was a break through moment though. So much good came from meeting with John.

Another book that has made a difference is Real Love by Greg Bear.

Real Love in Marriage: The Truth About Finding Genuine Happiness Now and Forever https://www.amazon.com/dp/1592403107/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_sOXKyb667PP9H

You both only have 3 options.

1. Love her/him and hate her/his religious choices.
   
2. Love her/him and love her/his religious choices.
   
3. Leave him/her
   
   We both learned that we were not unconditionally loving each other. We loved each other based on what they did for us. The Mormon Church unfortunately teaches this "conditional love" model. I'll love you if you keep the commandments. If you "love" me, you will take me to the temple. The only "love" is found in "eternal families". It's bull crap! (I still can't swear!)
   
   I asked some 6 year old kids in a primary class; "Do you think your parents would love you any less if you didn't get baptized?". They all said, "YES!" Conditional love is taught from a very young age. Just look how the church treats "sinners" and LGBT.
   
   Regardless you need to love unconditionally. Your wife needs it, your kids need it and you need unconditional love. I don't know you. By responding, I am show you the most unconditional love (no agenda, no judgement) I can.
   
   You can get unconditional love by receiving it and it increases when you sharing it.
   
   I love you! I want the best for you what ever that is.
   
   
   
   

I'm late to the party, but I really want to offer my $.02. I get the feeling like you are my wife in this scenario, and I'm in the position of your current wife. Don't string her along. If you can be open and willing to fix it, then you will fix it. If she's desperate to try anything then you don't have to worry about effort on her part, she just needs guidance. You have to be willing to put forth the effort. I'd believe that as long as you are truly open and willing to put forth that effort on your side then it can succeed, and you can start living your life -- with her.

I say this, as a man who has been broke down, shown very little love, and had no guidance. I've asked family, friends, coworkers, and the internet for advice. I've read books and articles. For 3 months I gave up all my hobbies, I gave up all my friends, and I put my 100% into trying to save my marriage because she said she'd give me the opportunity to see what I can do. But she never put effort in on her side, and without HER GUIDANCE I was essentially setting myself up for failure for months. I realized that there was nothing more I can actually do if she isn't willing to even try, which includes giving me guidance to do what she needs. So last Thursday I brought it up in a conversation and she decided that it was best to just end it still, again no help from her side. Don't pity me, this is not a cry for attention. I just want to point out that if you're not going to put in effort on your side, spare her from wasting her time effort and energy. If you want to put forth a legitimate effort on your side into seeing if it's salvageable and start living your life with her (emphasis on living, because it is possible even from a shitty situation), you need to work with her.

If you're going to try, I have recommendations that I suggest the both of you begin with. Read this book. Despite my marriage failing, it has shown me concepts that I intend to follow my whole life. So for that matter, I'd recommend reading it even if you do intend to divorce.

After you read that book, reinforce it with this one. I found that on it's own it's not quite as helpful, but as reinforcement to the first book it just encourages a positive relationship.

Best of luck to you regardless, let me know if you have any questions about what I've done and how I've handled whatever.

My 4 year old is also very strong willed. I remind myself daily that he is going to do wonderful things as an adult, or so everyone tells me. I constantly tell myself to breath first, think second, respond last. I do my best not to respond with anger, because IMO it only adds fuel to the fire. Redirection at this age gets more difficult, but I still practice it. I often find that sometimes taking action instead of using words is tremendously effective. IE the four year old has a strong decisive to continuously climb on the counter. I tried the, "you're going to get hurt, it's dangerous, etc." route, which did nothing. I then started removing him from the counter without words, setting him on the floor, and firmly saying, "We don't climb on counters."

I've also come to realize saying things like, "please don't climb on the counters," isn't effective. It has to be a firm set of directions (not harsh).

We've also started positive affirmations daily. And lots of appraisal for "good behavior" for positive reinforcement. Like.. "Thank you for cleaning up your toys!" With a happy dance and clap of the hands. Or when he follows a set of directions without telling him half a dozen times I be sure to tell him, "that was an excellent job listening to the directions I gave you, thank you!!"

Something my job taught me was to say a set of silly phrases before responding to a situation that makes you angry, "yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread." I say that to myself often before responding to my 4 year old. If you're interested two books that really helped me are Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids and No Bad Kids. Hope this helps!

Hi internet stranger.

Good on you for caring about your family. It's clear you love them even though you're frustrated with them. I'm sorry there's so much stress. I don't have an easy answer for it. It's impossible to control the stress that's outside of yourself, but you can plan for it and plan how to react to it.

Do you know how to communicate assertively? Your mom heard the word,"Shit!" directed at her and felt blamed and attacked. So she reacted with anger and your needs weren't heard over her own emotions.

It's a way to state what you need and want without blaming others. It's less likely to escalate a situation and more likely to help you get what you want. You could try this link from Mayo Clinic about assertive strategies. Here's another link to Assertiveness Tools. A big trick though is being able to disengage and deescalate. (Take a deep breath, "I need space to think right now because I'm angry, but will come back when I feel I can do so" Walk away. Repeat as needed.)

Threatening bodily harm is not banter even if it's not acted on. It's wrong and should stop as it's an abusive counter productive pattern. I realize it was your mom in this case, but if you've engaged in it in the past, please stop. It's a pattern that needs to be broken and the only one you can control is yourself. So please, make sure to take care of yourself first. Have you all ever done family therapy? If you can, do so. Learning to talk and listen to each other during conflict is vital.

For your sister. Parenting her is your mom's job, not yours. It sounds like it's been super hard for a long time and I'm sorry to hear it. Yes, if you can lend strength and support to your family, do so, but if you're reaching a breaking point you need to step back. If taking care of yourself means being somewhere else, do it. ["How to Talk so Teens will Listen"] (https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/0060741260/ref=pd_sbs_14_img_2?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=4B591E7FRHXNNKKGAF23) helped me with talking with others--especially teenagers. It's an easy to read book available at many libraries or books stores. Lend it to your mom.
She needs to be able to step to a calm place in her heart and put down the threats. Doing so takes real practice, but it can be done. Threats are not okay in so many ways.

Other thoughts: Sentences that have helped me during conflict.

"I'm really mad right now. I'm really mad, but I love you always and I want to solve this problem with you not against you."

"Can we just stop and hug each other? I'm so sad and I just want to be not mad anymore." (Maybe you can use this and go hug your mom if you want.)

"Can we talk about this after we've eaten?" (Okay, maybe that's just me. I get hangry like crazy.)

I hope your family works through this. I know that nothing here will make things magically okay. I also know that even if you all start trying to do your best to be calmer and kinder during arguments with all your hearts it won't just magically happen and all the anger go away. It's hard. Again, the only one you can actually directly control is yourself. Treat yourself kindly and respect. Work to do the same with others.
Goodluck.

I'm not a scientist, but I'm interested in approachable scientific information about child development, and more specifically what I can do to create the best environment and family life for my child's emotional and intellectual development. Here are a few resources that have come up for me:

-Dept of Public Health: there are many resources available from our state public health department. Check if your state has one, or check out ours in WA (the "Watch Me Grow" Series offers month by month developmental information and milestone tracking, and there is information on feeding, testing, vaccines, etc as well: http://www.doh.wa.gov/Publications/PregnancyInfantsandChildren)

-Research Universities: we hooked up with a local research university for inclusion in their developmental studies through the department of learning and brain science. It has been invaluable to our understanding how parents can increase their child's exposure to language, and includes 1:1 coaching, free resources and toys/books, and group sessions with a child development expert, which they pay us to attend.

-A friend who is a speech pathologist recommended reading "Beyond Baby Talk" (https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Baby-Talk-Development-Caregivers/dp/0307952282), for a more in depth look at what is happening with your child's expressive language development and how you can stimulate it.

-A relative that spent 30 years working with children with emotional issues recommended "Between Parent and Child" (https://www.amazon.com/Between-Parent-Child-Revolutionized-Communication/dp/0609809881#productDescription_secondary_view_div_1486152167250) for practical guidance on how you can affect your child's emotional development. It attempts to really get inside the head of a child and answer their true questions, which aren't necessarily the ones they ask.

Okay, so this turned from a simple link to yet a wall of text-

Firstly, I admit I try my hardest to be an awesome fukn parent, but my 4yo has really ground my gears at times over the years simply because I'm dad, not mom. I even was the stay home parent for 1.5yrs and for all that I've done as a parent, nothing, absolutely nothing can penetrate that maternal connection. Regardless, I found and continue to find ways of connecting. Now that we have a newborn, I must try even harder to not be defensive or sensitive with his natural emotions of the recent household change AND just being a pre-schooler rather just there to support him. As much as we as parents keep consistent with his lifestyle, there is inevitable change he is faced with. That is not his fault and it's okay for him to express his frustrations. Thankfully despite how awesome of a kid he is, will still struggle and takes his big emotions out on us (mostly me still) and not the baby.

There needs to be a long (broken up into weeks) conversation between parents on how to handle the eldest among the family addition to become more understanding of their emotions. It's okay for them to lose their shit. There are lots of books and online resources to read philosophies to support new siblings and beyond. The book I strongly encourage on this subject is Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings.

I'm not a believer in Time Out's for little ones say under 6, because they're simply are reacting to a situation. Allow them to, but there's a boundary. Now when shit hits the fan and loses his shit we remove him interact and converse with him in another space. CALM down time to 'reset' himself. Obviously I'm not a supporter of spankings or least at this young age. I can recall when I was spanked as a child and most of what it taught me was to fear that parent at that time forgetting what the lesson ever was.

​

When I find the time to share some great resources, I'll gather all mine and post in daddit or find a sub that shares similar philosophies. We are fortunate the kiddo's pre-school was completely on board of our new arrival even took the extra work to gather children's books to read with him at school or ready to give him a little extra attention. Fortunately, there hasn't been any change for him at school. Not even a lot at home, however, he's 4 and doing everything that he's supposed to experience. It wasn't his decision to have a sibling and he can't be forced to abide, but hopefully we can support him to want to be the bigger brother and have a lifelong friend.

This.
It doesn't have to take years. And you should probably talk to another therapist with a more positive outlook if you want to rescue your marriage.
Read this book: The Divorce Remedy
And try to get your wife to read it, too.

Joint counseling isn't for everyone. And it can be really uncomfortable, depending upon the couple. Just having ONE of you going to a therapist is going to help. Maybe your wife will decide to go for individual counseling herself at some point.

In reading your description, I get the feeling that your marriage is more than just "for security" as the therapist has described it. You two are comfortable with each other, see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, and you say that you love each other. It sounds to me like there's something worth saving. You have spent half your life with your wife. Is there anyone who know you any better than her?

Anyway, my advice is to work on the relationship. Start by reading the book I listed above. It explains how a marriage unravels like yours has, and how to fix it. It has sections on specific issues, like the "dead bedroom" situation you have described. Good luck, and remember that the grass is always greener (although it sounds like you have already discovered the truth in this fallacy through your various affairs).

Source: 18 months ago I thought my marriage was over after my wife told me how unhappy she was and disclosed an emotional affair she was having. We are back on track and things have been better than they have been in years. We just celebrated our 24 year anniversary!

I just want to say that I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I have had my own share of marital duress this year (2014 just seems to suck for everyone I talk to, myself included) and it's not something I wish upon anyone.

I don't know your situation, but with me reading all the relationship books I could find really helped me gain some perspective. I'll link them but the main advice is the same: you have to start rebuilding you. This of course I'm sure being the last thing you want to hear right now. Based on the 5 or 6 books I read when a partner who wants to leave (and who does so in this case) and the other person begs and tries to cajole the other into coming back, the person on the wayward side gets pushed even further away (I've personally seen this myself). But once the person who was abandoned starts living and doing for themselves the wayward party sees this and begins to assess what they're doing and why they're doing it.

Like I said, this is just the collected advice of the various things that I read and may not pertain to you in the slightest. Regardless I'll make sure to pray for you because what you're going through is just horrible and I really feel for you.

Here are the books:

• I Love You but I'm not in Love With You
  
  
• Love Must be Tough
  
  
• The Divorce Remedy
  
  
• The 180
  
  
• Getting Past Your Breakup Even though this book is mainly written for people who have already lost the relationship, it has some really good tools to help you evaluate both yourself, your partner and the relationship itself.
  
  Best of luck and I hope everything works out.

> He used to make me feel amazing. I loved every moment we spent together.

> He's like a different person...

My ex was like this and I could write a book on it, but here are some books other people have written that have helped me:

• Narcissistic Lovers
  
• Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay
  
• Disarming The Narcissist
  
• Getting Past Your Breakup (if this should ever happen, Zeus forbid)
  
  Since you were raised by an N, then a lot of the codependency books like "Codependency No More" and "Women Who Love Too Much" might be helpful too. It seems like you're working hard to get him all this help, but all you can really do is help yourself. If he's highly N, you'll probably have a hard time with him going to therapy and sticking with it and everything else but I'm not sure that's really the best place for you to focus. Only he can choose to get help and stick with it.
  
  I also made a post with a list of N traits from the book Disarming The Narcissist. My ex (and mother of course) possessed high degrees of all thirteen traits. Dealing with my ex was hell on Earth and I'm still recovering two years later, so if I don't seem very optimistic that's why. We always seem to want to see the best in people, and it's VERY hard to reconcile that a person who can be so sweet, loving, kind, caring, etc. can also be a liar, cheater and an overall shitty person. Ns can really weave a "reality distortion field" and so can we, because it's SO painful to see the truth sometimes. It's an up and down roller coaster ride that is VERY addicting.
  
  The person you fell in love with may have only been one aspect of his total personality. My old therapist used to tell me to look at the big picture. I would "split" my ex so that I would PINE after the sweet, loving person she could be, and ignore the terror she could also be. Everyone is capable of EVERYTHING, especially people who claim they're "not like that." Actions are meaningful, not words. My ex's actions painted a much different picture than her words.
  
  Anyway, good luck with everything.

I recently came across this book that I'm still reading myself, but it seems like it has good ideas:

Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life (The Peaceful Parent Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399168451/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_dG7qDbKT99XRP

I also found this podcast: https://pca.st/VA1H

I've been trying to answer similar questions myself and I'm hoping ideas in here will promote affection between my children. I'm having trouble with the younger one attacking the older one.

Good luck to you as well.

Sometimes sadness presents as anger. It's ok to feel sadness, too. In grieving, we get angry, but really it's about loss. You're grieving so many losses, and it's important to really see that, and just be with it.
It's gone, the role you expected the church to play in your life. Allow yourself to just feel sad about that.

Then tell your family what you need from them. That it hurts when they tell you you're deluded or tricked. You are following your truth, you are trying to live an authentic life, and you need and deserve their respect. Respect means accepting that you've made your decision as an adult and you need them to stop trying to bring you back, and what you will do if they can't respect that boundary. (Like not have as much contact with them).
It hurts because they matter to you, and you love them and you need them to understand and show you they love you, by respecting that you know what you need.

They need to know that their behavior is hurting you and that you will do what you need to protect yourself. How they interpret that is THEIR PROBLEM.

I wouldn't even try to get them to listen to your side until and unless they can show you this respect, to treat you with love and compassion as you define it. They are not going to be able to hear anything you have to say until then. So scream into this void, exmormons get you!

If you want to work on your assertiveness and not falling into old patterns, finding your voice and not being deferential and 'sweet' but connected to your truth and strength, I recommend the Dance of Connection by Harriet Lerner. She really gets the difficulties of making changes when people don't want you to change.

https://www.amazon.com/Dance-Connection-Frustrated-Insulted-Desperate/dp/006095616X/ref=pd_cp_14_2/130-6600837-3758632?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=006095616X&pd_rd_r=SDCDQBY25ED15NA3DBFR&pd_rd_w=BUQwm&pd_rd_wg=wu6s6&psc=1&refRID=SDCDQBY25ED15NA3DBFR

Hugs hugs hugs

Both of you might find these books helpful:

The five love languages This one is great for determining the ways you and your spouse like to give/receive love. It is a AMAZING book!

Not "just friends" This one is really for people who are going through an affair, but it is a good read to help "affair-proof" your marriage by learning about the dynamics that happen when affairs begin between platonic friends.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!!!!

This is very cool that you want to meet him on his terms. I respect you for moving into 'alien territory'.

Not trying to start a conflict here, but you could simply spend some time reading the posts here, get up to speed on the 'Pede issues, and discuss them with him. I bet what he would really like is to see you wake up, or at least open your mind ( hoping that doesn't sound offensive, maybe you have gone through a long and sincere period of openmindedness about DT, I have no way of knowing; just throwing out ideas here).

That's just me. I'm not a'stuff' oriented person, more of an ideas and relationship oriented person.

You might take a look at:

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Men-Making-Relationship/dp/0802412726/

if you don't know what he would like, maybe the ideas in that book would help you get a handle on what would be meaningful for him. You know him a lot better than we do. We might know what we like, but we don't know him as an individual.

They say as people get older, they appreciate experiences more than stuff. Get him a ticket to the inauguration?

Sitting around with nothing to do for an hour and twenty minutes after school everyday is pretty damn boring. "You're lucky that's your biggest problem" is a remarkably unhelpful and counterproductive response. (It says, "I didn't hear you or didn't care," which isn't particularly satisfactory and will simply leave him wanting to drive his point home harder.)

I mean, imagine you came home from work and said to your wife, "The boss has been riding my ass all week on this project he promised the client an unrealistic timeframe for!" And she responded, "Quit whining. You should be glad you have a job that pays well!"

Whether there's a solution or not, people feel much better when their feelings are acknowledged rather than rejected: "That's sounds terribly frustrating, dear. You must be really stressed out."

So stop rejecting your son's feelings. Accept them, and work with him to find an acceptable solution when possible: "I understand it gets really boring just waiting an hour and twenty minutes every day, but it's the best I can do because I don't get off work until 5. Maybe we can come up with something interesting for you to do in that time. Do you have any ideas?" This is where he might suggest walking somewhere (maybe he can find somewhere to stash the trombone), or going home with a friend, or riding a bike, or whatever. Help him find a reasonable solution. If there is none, you've got him to think it through and realize that, and he knows that you at least care about it.

For more, I suggest you read The Explosive Child (the efficacy of the method has been demonstrated by solid research and it works equally well with any kid, not just "explosive" ones) and How to Talk so Kids Will Listen (there is a teen-specific variant that perhaps is better for you, though I haven't read that one myself).

I also like Rory Miller's book, Force Decisions. It may not be as specific to self defense legalities, but it does a good job of getting a person to be able to articulate WHY they defended themselves HOW they did. It basically shows you how law enforcement train in these scenarios and why and how it can translate to us civilians.

I do Like Mas, but Miller has a better handle on conflict communications (Another great book of his, and a great seminar or so I hear.) in my humble opinion.

Are you tracking how often he snaps? You could do a simple tally out of his view. You might find that in reality, he's snapping at you less and less. That might help you stick it out! Also, the duration and severity of his outbursts may be lessening. With kids like this, any improvement is a triumph!

I also recommend Ross Greene. Here's his videos on Collaborative Problem Solving as well as here's an amazing book that my SPED instructor as well as multiple classmates in my cohort recommend by Ross Greene as well.

Also, it's okay to lower the expectations. Assuming he has an IEP, it's not necessary for you to meet the expectations of the general education kids. So, if they're doing math and he is refusing, is there something he will do that isn't disruptive? Maybe he would be willing to play math games with you (which would help you build that Teacher Student Relationship quality). As Rita Pierson says, kids don't learn from people they don't like.

I'm interning at a school with a lot of high needs students, it's an inclusion school and there are kids in special ed who spend about 70% of their day in general ed in my classroom I'm in. Sometimes they try the math and then move on to computer games or reading because they are unable to process the math and it's too frustrating. Rather than have a meltdown, they are able to play math games on the computer or read books they feel like reading.

I'm not an expert, just happen to be taking a class on the matter at the same time as being in a school that houses all the high needs kids in the area so I see kids with EBD or are in SPED all day long.

Therapy takes awhile, and sometimes it is unfortunate but true that it gets worse before it gets better. The good news is that at six you guys have a real shot at getting a handle on this.

I would ask the therapist for some suggestions for dealing with her at home, and do some reading to find techniques to help. I have seen The Explosive Child recommended here by several people now, perhaps it will have some advice for you that can help. I'd also look for books that directly address ODD as /u/mamaleficent suggested. My DS25 was diagnosed with ODD as a teenager and much of what your SD is doing is similar to what he was doing at her age.

Good luck and many hugs your way! Dealing with a child like this is hell, and it's compounded when dealing with a blended family.

I don't have a ton of advice, but there are two books I would recommend if you're afraid to give up or just want to try one last time.

The first is The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate. It gives a lot of good advice about being able to communicate as best you can with someone like your husband.

The other book is a book called Mindsight. A lot of people think that once you're "set in your ways", you can't change. It makes sense because as we create patterns in our lives, it literally creates patterns in our brains. Just like a muscle, the more you do something the more those neural pathways are strengthened. But our brains are actually very plastic. It is possible to change them. This book gives an example of a man who was very cold, seemingly devoid of emotion. But through meditation and counseling, he rediscovered a love for life. His wife said he was like a new man.

I don't know if these books will help you or your husband, but they might. It will definitely require some counseling and some participation from your husband. Maybe contact Daniel Siegel (the author of Mindsight) or go to their website (see "free resources") and maybe find a counselor through there.

Welcome to being the parent of a seven-year old boy. :)

My son is the same age, and does the same things. Arguing and defiance are developmental milestone. They are learning autonomy, they have begun to be able to think and problem solve for themselves in terms of time management and rules, but they haven't learned things like social decorum and appropriate times/ways to communicate. We bucket things into 3 categories with our son. Category A is things that are worth fighting over every. single. time. Going to school, safety issues - it's worth an argument or a fight or a potential meltdown. Category B are things that we want done, but they're not critical. Brushing teeth, bedtime, cleaning room etc. Category C - things we may want done but they're not worth fighting over.

For things in the second category, we encourage our son to offer compromises. He's learned that if I say, "I want you to clean your room now" but he wants to finish what he is engrossed in (He also has Aspergers, and consequently has a REALLY hard time shifting gears mentally), that he can offer an alternative, such as, "Can I finish this first?" I, in turn may either accept his first compromise or offer a new one. The key though is that we have to accept the compromise for behaviors in this category.

Category C is a little more fungible. Sometimes, I can tell that he's having a really tough time processing things, or is having sensory overload, and so I simply will choose to let him direct what he wants to do, as long as he communicates calmly.

We've worked through The Explosive Child with help from a therapist, and I found a lot of the techniques in there to be really helpful. It's made communication much easier with our son, and he argues a lot less.

I recommend: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk https://www.amazon.com/dp/1451663870/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_.x4UCbSJ97QC4

It's scary but you are doing great. Pretty much no one knows what they are doing when they start out and all kinds are different. You're in good company.

Good luck!

Absolutely. My wife told me she wanted a divorce 2 months ago, and it was awful the first couple of weeks. I kept running to help control my emotions, and saw a marriage counselor several times for advice on what to do to save my marriage. It's been really hard, but it's getting better. Where I was 2 months ago vs today... I'm a better me. It's so easy to fall into self-destructive behaviors. Being aware is one thing, but gathering that inner strength to build the willingness to change and be strong... That's a whole different thing altogether.

I read a couple good books over the last two months:

The Divorce Remedy

You Will Get Through This

Research Emotional Intelligence.

I had to do this for my last job and it had pretty good tips.

Also I recommend buying this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Leadership-Self-Deception-Getting-Out-Box/dp/1576759776

Great book and good to read every few months.

> How many comments do you end up reviewing in a day?

There are two ways to read this - if you mean how many of the total content posted per day gets a mod's eyes on it, I'd say maybe 5-10% of the posts/comments per day (which I'm not supposed to share, sorry). Users are really good about reporting, so I don't see this as a weakness or something that can ever be reasonably increased.

If you mean how many reports we end up clearing a day.. I'd say more than 10, less than 100. If I had to split up our reports into "crap", "understandable but invalid", and "valid", it's about an even split between the three.

>Your sub is topic constrained?

Yes, by virtue of being a meta subreddit. If it's not:

• Political (read broadly and intuitively. The problem /r/politics has where their definitions of what's "political" are weird, it doesn't exist here. If you think a thing is political, it probably is)
  
• Objectionable (we let the votes decide this usually)
  
• On Reddit (easy)
  
• Notable (upvoted, gilded, etc)
  
  ..then it can't be posted there. We only have 11 rules, which is more like 9 since one is the same concept (don't brigade) split into incoming and outgoing, and one is a restating of the statewide policy on violence.
  
  >Is it relatively easy to figure out what is within the context and what is shit posting pretty quick?
  
  The title rules make shitposting (posts) infeasible for the most part. Top level content must be either a direct or archive link to something on reddit, it must include a direct quote from the content being linked to, and it must include a score. There's not much room for shenanigans there.
  
  There are shitposting comments, but barring organized brigades, these wind up downvoted and invisible relatively fast.
  
  >Recruiting mods and getting more people to wade through stuff is hard. WORSE when its politically charged because then the level of additional drama, doxxing and more puts capable people off of the role.
  
  That's true, but I have to thank the rest of the team (I think I'm the newest mod, added last year) for keeping a really great atmosphere in the discord. We treat it as a fun hobby, not a job, and I think that really helps when the inevitable drama starts.
  
  Doxxing is.. meh. I think precisely one of us uses a username here that we use elsewhere on the internet, and they're some kind of mad lad that literally doesn't give a fuck. There's the occasional reddit stalker, but it's nothing a gentle word of discouragement and judicious application of the block button (not to mention reporting them to the admins, which thankfully they've been good about dropping the hammer on) haven't been able to solve.
  
  >Plus as the mod team expands, the issue with connecting to the team and being consistent becomes harder - unless you have good solid rules and foundations in making sure people get the memo.
  
  Consistency goes back to the rules being mostly objective and minimizing the need for individual judgment calls. Every now and then there's something that slips through the cracks, and that's what the discord room we're all in is for.
  
  It's when you do stuff like "no low-effort posts" (what the fuck is a "low effort post?") or "no trolling" (determining intent over text, yay) that you get into trouble. I'd go so far as to say defining those two concepts over a large enough team to moderate millions of subscribers isn't just hard, it's literally impossible. Bad, disruptive conduct that doesn't raise to the level of breaking the sitewide or subreddit rules is best dealt with by comment voting, IMO. Trolling is one of those things where people "know it when they see it", and so it's safe to rely on the wisdom of the crowds.
  
  I also think that many subreddits don't even try to get enough mods. It's not like many have had an experiment where they add 20 mods to the team and then remove them all if it doesn't work out. They just sit there, with problems caused by lack of staffing, month after month after month, doing nothing, and then talk about how hard and stressful their job is as a result.
  
  >The defaults have some serious lifting going on behind the scenes from what I know.
  
  Not to name any names here or anything, but the one thing I hear often from very casual reddit users, even in real life, is that the site becomes a lot better once the defaults are unsubscribed.
  
  I think whatever they're doing doesn't work. Or at least, could work a lot better, but there's this ingrained, us-vs-them culture that prevents a lot of positive change from taking place. Mods on this site, generally, see users as an annoyance to be managed, like they're tramping around this well-manicured garden, rather than seeing them as co-participants in a community that sometimes make human mistakes. They're "in the box" towards their users.

We were recommended a book for our daughter who had trouble regulating her emotions at age 2 or 3... she was a HUGE tantrum thrower and was always going from 0 - 10 in a heartbeat over every.little.thing. life would throw at her. She was seriously hard to live with in those years & we had no idea how to help change her behavior.

So, this book was actually geared for OLDER kids , but it even helped us in the preschool years. I do believe that I employed some of the advice given by the author and my daughter has grown emotionally to a great degree because of it.

In short, this book (The Explosive Child) tries to help a parent see that some children may lack the skills to problem solve effectively (thus why little toddlers and preschoolers are always freaking out - they have NO skills). For some kids, if you don't deliberately help them gain these skills, they never really gain them on their own either. This approach can help in a whole variety of situations including in situations of sibling rivalry where kids are constantly butting heads and not taking the time to problem solve on their own. I'm telling ya, this would be a great read for any parent.

So have a look - I've heard this book recommended by multiple professionals and I think it's just great:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Explosive-Child-Understanding-Chronically/dp/0061906190/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1377880482&sr=8-1&keywords=The+Explosive+Child

One more thing - Esther Perel has an excellent book and podcast on her marriage counseling - including helping couples deal with exactly this. She is wise and worth listening too:
https://www.estherperel.com/podcast

​

Lots of good books - you might want to try:

NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

by Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

I am not a parent of a teen, but I recently went to a parenting seminar that was geared towards teens (I didn’t realize it when I attended). The book that corresponds to the seminar is called ScreemFree Parenting. I’ve read the book and really like it. It teaches you to “react less and respond more”. And also teaches you how to pause a lot. It sounds like you could benefit from this.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with removing yourself from a heated situation, even if your daughter suggested it. You would be teaching your daughter that it’s okay to back down and cool off and that’s actually the behavior you want your daughter to mirror.

EDIT: I also just wanted to add that I am not trying to come across as a know-it-all and I apologize if I am. I only responded to your post because I see that it’s 2 days old and only 3 people responded, without really giving you any resources. AND you and your daughter reminded me of my mom and I. Our relationship was very toxic, there was a huge power struggle (which she never “won”, despite trying to), and I’ve had to go through a lot of therapy and do a lot of self-reflection to learn how to have proper relationships with people that doesn’t rely on dominating them. When I went to that parenting seminar I mentioned earlier, that was my “I WISH MY MOM HAD KNOWN THIS” moment and it’s the parenting style I’m trying to adapt.

> I’m always there when he needs to talk about his feelings, I’ll go out of my way to make sure he knows that I care about what he’s feeling and thinking.

This is kind of off-the-wall, but I'd really suggest reading the five love langues book (or listening to the audio book), might not cure anything, but could give you another perspective. The reason I mention it is because the little blurb above sounds like one of the "case studies" out of the book. Then if you like it, see if you couldn't get your boyfriend to read the "for men" version.

There is something wrong. It sounds like Sam is pressuring him to be monogamous with him. I don't know the dynamic there, but that can definitely spiral bad.

>But, I honestly thought he would understand that his feelings were because it’s a new relationship and he would still want to come home and be with me.

If he doesn't see it as NRE and you insist it is, he'll feel like you aren't listening and probably withdraw. You have to approach this carefully. He's confused about his feelings and if you listen, it'll probably help. And when I say listen, I mean do active listening. If it is NRE, you creating a safe place for him to feel will help him through it. There is also the possibility that it isn't NRE. That he has real feelings for Sam.

Don't threaten or judge. You both need respect. Funny enough, what helped me learn how to listen was a book on how to communicate with kids.

Don't get caught up in what was supposed to be. Sam shouldn't be trying to split you up, but he is and there are feelings tangled up. Focus on the tangled feelings and fixing the problem rather than what shouldn't have happened.

If you can discuss Sam's ultimatum civilly, do so.

Work on the stress levels in the house. For you and for him. Fix small things you can.

And sadly, be prepared for if it doesn't work. Each of you is human. Sam, James, and you. Everyone can get caught up in feelings.

The Harlot By the Side of the Road: Really good read about sexuality, feminism, and power in the bible. Highly recommended and quite entertaining. The author translates stories like what happened with Lot's daughters into modern language, then gives as much historical context as possible. He then talks about similar themes in other biblical books and talks about current and old interpretations and sometimes translations.

Starship Troopers: Loved it! I'd heard it was different than the movie, and it really is. Most of the themes are the same, and you get a ton more context and history on the world/society. This is the first Heinlein book I've read that didn't require mindset adjustment time to deal with the way women are portrayed and treated.

Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A bunch of random essays. Some I've liked, some I thought were dumb. I like the book of essays format, I don't feel as completionist with each one as I do with a normal book.

Conflict Communication (ConCom): A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication: I picked this up after the safety pin discussion came out. The discussions I had at the time made me realize that I have no deescalation skills, and I realized that I'd feel more secure in general if I learned some. I'm still on the theory of the book and am really enjoying how it's making me look at things differently.

Example: When you call someone a racist and ignore everything they have to say about anything, even unrelated stuff, are you then using the same mindset as a racist that does the same thing with a slur? Both are actions that other a person via name calling, and reduce that person's entire being down to a single trait.

He does talk about lizard and monkey brain, which maybe isn't super scientific, but I find the logic pretty easy to follow.

I just started reading a book called Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids. I got it from my library. I think it might help your situation. It helps you learn how manage your own moods, and how to coach your child’s behavior so they push your buttons less often. It also teaches you how to build positive connections, so when mistakes happen (and they do), it’s easier to reestablish equilibrium.

By the way, thank you so much for breaking the cycle on spanking! I know that’s not easy to do. That alone will make such a difference in your child’s life.

Read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-Together/dp/0393342212/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1451064311&sr=8-1&keywords=siblings+without+rivalry

Everything you describe is normal for a pre-school aged kid grappling with sibling rivalry. Think of it this way: your husband brings home a new wife who is younger and prettier than you are. You have no say in the choice, and are expected to share all the attention, all of your physical belongings, all the love. You still might be a "baby" in some ways (your son was when your daughter was born) but are told that you can no longer get your emotional needs met because you're a grown-up now and just need to deal.

Who cares if he baby talks on occasion or sometimes signs? Lots of kids want to "play" baby when there's a baby around. Let him climb into your lap, say, "Oh, I love my big baby," and give him a snuggle. I get that you're torn in two directions with one preschooler and one toddler but nothing you describe about his behavior is worth yelling at him for.

Do what you think is right. Ultimately it doesnt matter what anyone else says because you will make the choice. You have support here though.

A book that might help you through this time is after the affair. I've included a link below. This is particular to married couples but it really doesn't matter. You have invested yourself.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0062122703?pc_redir=1405853910&robot_redir=1


Good luck and stay smart.

She's 12 and can't stay out until 8?

She's 12 and being called "baby" and having you referred to as Daddy?

And then there's screaming... Shoot.

I would start treating her as less of a little kid. Which may sound counter-intuitive, but you're not going to get great behaviour out of treating her like she's 9. Which includes the back-and-forth part here; it's like you're coaxing a toddler. Don't do that. "I need you home now; I'll be there at [time] to pick you up," and don't text again, and just arrive.

It takes two to have a fight, so don't engage with the yelling.

Non-punishment-based discipline is a lot more peaceful (and, generally, effective) but I don't know of a good reference for it for tweens -- anybody got a suggestion? Faber and Mazlish probably have your back on this, though.

Continue with the counselor. Don't be afraid to see a different counselor that is a better fit for you. The problem with the term "counselor", is that is could mean someone with 1 year of college experience or a person with extensive residency with 7 years of university experience. I would look for a registered psychologist who specialized in CBT or EMDR. Although all professionals legally have to report child abuse. However, I don't think simply having the desire to strike your child would be grounds for a CPS call granted you aren't doing it.

First off, I would find a new child care provider. Your mom is still abusing you. The more you are around your mom and subject your children to her behaviour, the worse it will get. There ARE child care providers that are versed in allergies. You may need to pack lunches as well as provide a list of do's and don't's. Consider a in-home nanny, or a child care provider with training.

It is really hard to re-train your brain. You have trained your brain to act out with violence/anger when upset. Retraining that will take serious time, mindfulness, and patience. Consider looking into more anger management courses as well as parenting courses. When in doubt, if you feel like you are going to explode. Make sure your kid is in a safe environment, and leave the area. Go to your room/bathroom. Relax. Takes some breaths.

I can suggest these books:

• https://www.amazon.com/Peaceful-Parent-Happy-Kids-Connecting/dp/0399160280/ref=pd_sim_14_1?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0399160280&pd_rd_r=7PMR1CTCYJGZDGWNWE6F&pd_rd_w=jL1qX&pd_rd_wg=kE4mT&psc=1&refRID=7PMR1CTCYJGZDGWNWE6F
  
• https://www.amazon.com/No-Drama-Discipline-Whole-Brain-Nurture-Developing/dp/034554806X/ref=pd_sim_14_4?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=034554806X&pd_rd_r=ACH627BTDQ8YCYQ5SF1R&pd_rd_w=uZWwA&pd_rd_wg=tbVWJ&psc=1&refRID=ACH627BTDQ8YCYQ5SF1R
  
  Simply asking for help shows you care.

Hi there Internet stranger. I was very much an unpopular to the point of mental health issues child. I felt like my social skills didn't fully develop until I got into my mid twenties due to the stunted start I had.

This book helped me immensely. http://amzn.com/1593859864 The Lost Art of Listening by Michael P. Nichols.

This book teaches you, through explanation and example, how to communicate effectively with others so that they feel their needs are met and you feel your needs are met.

We're talking basics here, solid basics. How to comport your body to reflect appropriate body language. How to direct your gaze, body mirroring. How to listen to someone without just waiting for your turn to speak. How to reflect back someone's statement so they feel supported and understood instead of comparing, minimizing, or dismissing.

There's a ton of content in this book and if you read it and absorb it and start applying it as rules in your head your relationships will improve with others.

I've been told that the way I embrace this is similar to those 'on the scale' with Autism, in that many Autistic people feel that they have a list of ridiculous rules they need to follow to interact with 'normals' and the rules work - but damn if they understand why they should need them.

I'm grateful that my brain hiccups allow me to comprehend why people react well to these rules and why my changes in my behavior lead to improvement in my relationships.

I still have a ton of 'fussy' rules to follow but at least now I know what the $%*@ they are.

Your husband's reaction is not unusual, but what is unusual is his continued resentment over three years. Usually, harboring that much bitterness leads to a rapid deterioration of the marriage until it is unsalvageable. How did he catch you? What were the circumstances of you being discovered? And how emotional did the affair become?

There's a great book I recommend for partners learning to forgive their unfaithful spouses, entitled (interestingly) "After the Affair":

https://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0062122703/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1474551400&sr=8-1&keywords=after+the+affair

But bottom line, we are here to support you. Your husband either can, or cannot, accept who you are. There's no going back - there is only moving forward.

Please, tell us more about what happened.

Mindset is a book that has completely changed how people perceive self-improvement, and that's not an exaggeration. This book is extremely well-known and often referenced, and it's possible you know of it already. Probably in the top 3 most life-changing self-improvement books out there.

Leadership and Self-Deception is a very engaging read, and its goal is to help you see relationships with friends, coworkers and employees as they are, not how you think they are. It helps you "get outside of the box" that you see the world through, and stop the cycle of self-justification that many people have. Highly recommend reading it.

There's a great book called After the Affair which helped me out in coping when I've had this happen to me in the past. It was recommended to me by my therapist and I'd highly recommend it as a way to understand what you're feeling and to help with healing.

Ah! I can relate to this thread. I have bought a lot of parenting books and mean to get through them when I can. My favorites so far have been

• Peaceful Parenting
  https://www.amazon.com/Peaceful-Parent-Happy-Kids-Connecting/dp/0399160280
  
  
• Gentle Discipline
  https://www.amazon.com/Gentle-Discipline-Emotional-Connection-Not-Punishment/dp/0143131893
  
  
• Parenting Beyond Belief
  https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0814437419/ref=dp_ob_neva_mobile
  
  
  
• Raising Freethinkers
  https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960
  
  
• Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys
  https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Cain-Protecting-Emotional-Life/dp/0345434854
  
  
  I own the Whole Brain Child and just can’t finish it. The technical parts about the brain have stumped me and i kept having to reread paragraphs over and over so I moved on to something else.
  

Parents are responsible for their childrens behavior. This could be a blind spot preventing you from holding your own parents accountable. If you can't emotionally understand this you wont logically understand this following argument.

If a parent needs to get their children to do something or not to do something out of fear of punishment then it's not a relationship. It's dictatorship and you'll never get respect or compliance from your children when you act like you know what's best for them - and this is the reason why abuse escalates.

It's the parents responsibility to teach their children right and wrong by talking and listening to them, helping them understand, and ultimately modelling that behaviour themselves.

Before you have children, it's important to work on yourself because everything you experienced as a child from abusive parents thats lingering in your unconscious will come to the surface when you have your own children.

It seems you area already projecting some of this by thinking experimentation like smoking in the room or lying about homework is bad. Wouldn't it be better to foster a relationship where your children can you tell they tried a cigarette or don't want to do their homework? That way you can actually be involved in their lives.

If you raise your children correctly I wouldn't worry about most bad activities because you'll give them the skills to know better. The science shows that addictions, victim of bullying and peer pressure are all caused by child abuse and an unstable home. If you want to know more about this look up Gabor Mate (I have more resources).

Actually as children get older they become easier to parent when you raise them peacefully and being involved because you have built up a relationship.

Here are books I'd recommend:
Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Love-Matters-Affection-Shapes/dp/1583918175

The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self http://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901

The Truth Will Set You Free: Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self http://www.amazon.com/Truth-Will-Set-You-Free/dp/0465045855[2]

For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence http://www.amazon.com/Your-Own-Good-Child-Rearing-Violence/dp/0374522693[3]

Stefan Molyneux: Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love http://www.freedomainradio.com/free/books/FDR_3_PDF_Real_Time_Relationships.pdf

On Truth: The Tyranny of Illusion http://board.freedomainradio.com/blogs/freedomain/archive/2008/09/11/book-on-truth-the-tyranny-of-illusion.aspx

Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication http://www.amazon.com/Between-Parent-Child-Revolutionized-Communication/dp/0609809881

Playful Parenting http://www.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/dp/0345442865

Unconditional Parenting http://www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Parenting-Moving-Rewards-Punishments/dp/0743487486

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves http://www.naomialdort.com/book.html

Parent Effectiveness Training http://www.amazon.com/Parent-Effectiveness-Training-Responsible-Children/dp/0609806939

The Philosophical Baby: What Children's Minds Tell Us About Truth, Love, and the Meaning of Life http://www.amazon.com/Philosophical-Baby-Childrens-Minds-Meaning/dp/0374231966

What's Going on in There? : How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Going-There-Brain-Develop/dp/0553378252

Becoming the Kind Father: A Son's Journey http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Kind-Father-Sons-Journey/dp/0865715823

Connection Parenting http://connectionparenting.com/connection-parenting-book.html

• Read Stop Walking on Eggshells and Disarming the Narcissist
  
• Read about natural and logical consequences, which is a child-raising concept, but works well with selfish jerks.
  
• Decide how much time you will spend with/ near her; reduce it if she's a jerk, expand it if she's nice.
  
• If she says something unkind, label it: "That's harsh" "Why would you say that to my child?" "I don't like it when you say hurtful things." And remember what Louis C. K. says: If someone tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't. If your MIL hurts you, she doesn't get to decide that she didn't.
  
• She'll escalate. Leave the room, leave the house. Do not tolerate crap. She's a holy terror because it works, and when it stops working on you, she'll escalate (search this sub for 'extinction burst'). Be prepared.
  
• She has positive qualities. Look for them, praise them. Encourage any good behavior.
  
• Teach your kids to be respectful, to see her good points, and to forgive her when she's a jerk, and also to not accept crap by walking way from it.
  
• Tell your husband that you will be enforcing good boundaries with the MIL, that you understand that he wants to be close to his family, and respect his choices.

This is a better book

(Leadership and Self Deception)

It covers everything on this list but the problem with "How To Win Friends and Influence People" is that there's so many steps and lists to remember that it's easy to forget and fall back into old habits.

Leadership and Self Deception, instead, changes your fundamental mindset and outlook towards other people in such a simple but powerful way that you don't have to remember lists and steps, but the proper behavior and proper treatment of others flows naturally once your mindset changes.

I think you need to take a step back and honestly ask yourself: is the approach we're taking working? If the answer to that question is no and I strongly suspect it is, you need a new approach.

I think that getting your kiddo back into therapy would be great. In the meantime, please read this book. It's very well written and extremely helpful for families struggling with the same types of issues you describe: http://www.amazon.com/The-Explosive-Child-Understanding-Chronically/dp/0061906190

It's definitely more than that. My IC loaned me a book to read, After the Affair by Janis Spring. My WS has been reading it too. We are finding it very helpful, and I highly recommend it, especially if MC is not an option. It's $11 on Amazon, and they might have it at the library (https://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0062122703/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=after+the+affair+by+janis+spring&qid=1567124389&s=gateway&sprefix=after+the+aff&sr=8-1)

First of all, good for you for caring so much about your son's health and sleep. Please forgive the armchair psychology that follows. Of course you can just disregard what I say if I'm way off base.

From the sounds of it, your son has a lot going on, and you are feeling a lot of pressure to help him through it. I wonder whether you are expressing anxiety that he picks up on and reflects back to you. Children look to adults for guidance on how to manage emotions and stressful situations. (See, e.g., Ginott, Between Parent and Child.) In the abstract, a child doesn't know that sleeping poorly is stressful, but that child can learn to associate lack of sleep with stress, which creates a horrible feedback loop that can lead to insomnia. (See, e.g., Jacobs, Say Good Night to Insomnia.) Overcoming insomnia can involve unwinding negative thoughts and behaviors associated with sleep; it seems to follow that one should do one's best not to form those associations to begin with.

I see that you've tried many things to help him sleep. As a parent myself, I get the urge to try one thing and then another etc. But I often realize in my own life that trying different things is a behavior that makes me feel better ("hey, at least I tried!"), but it just leaves my own 7-year-old bewildered -- I can imagine that from his perspective, it just makes the world seem like an arbitrary place where the people who care for you don't really know what's going on. Perhaps from your son's perspective, it looks like this: I didn't sleep well; parents freak out about it, so it's a "freakoutable" thing and now I'm freaked out; parents see my freak-out, and they love me so they try desperately to fix the problem; nothing works and parents freak out about it; etc.

So what might one do rather than try to solve the problem? I would try to be calm; show him through your words and behaviors that this isn't a big deal. That might not reflect your reality -- it's a big deal to you, and if he doesn't sleep well it will become a big deal for him. But it's important not to trigger the stress response, which is at cross-purposes with sleep.

As for more specific interventions, you might want to check out this guidance from NIH. It's a short document, and if you look around for sleep advice, you'll find these same tips (consistent bedtime, cool bedroom, no screens before bed) again and again.

All that said, it's probably worth consulting the pediatrician. If there's something medical at issue, it'd be good to know. And if there's nothing, it'll help you and him to hear it from the doctor. I'm not sure I'd seek melatonin; although it's useful for resetting a circadian rhythm that's out of whack, it could be that the rhythm is fine but failing to express itself strongly because of bad sleep hygiene or stress, so I'd try to iron out those wrinkles first.

Good luck.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

And a personal favorite:

Meditations

I was in your shoes, only it sounds like you may have more time than I did. While you have time, if you want to save your marriage, stop whatever it is that you're doing. Whatever it is, it obviously hasn't been working. I read a book that I thought was pretty useful - https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0684873257/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

It was too late for me, but it might help you.

I would highly recommend reading The Parenthood Decision. At least take a look at the free kindle sample. My wife and I already knew we wanted kids, but this book added some confidence to our decision on when (and why) to start trying.

Social worker here. Contrary to what other posters are saying, I might report this to CPS for suspicion of emotional abuse. The key factor is how long you're doing it for. Complete isolation from peers is detrimental to an adolescent's social and emotional development. A week or two of isolation? They'll survive. A month? Borderline. Six months? I'm absolutely calling it in.

Now, CPS wouldn't remove your child from the home in this situation. They would most likely provide information on adolescent developmental needs and encourage you to let your kid have some limited social contact. It's possible they would require you to do so and/or require you to take a parenting class. This would be a very good thing. You can learn techniques to end the power struggle and restore (or create for the first time) a relationship built on trust and respect. If you want to look into that on your own, some good starting points are this web site and this book.

ETA: Also, check out r/parenting!

I am now much calmer and patient with people in general and in particular my two kids. In the beginning though, for the first couple of weeks of my sobriety every little gesture was rage-inducing. Everything was annoying, irritating, and stupid. My then I learned to take control of my own emotions and responses — I realized that in the end, it's not the people who are irritating, it's my responses and perception of them; once I realized that, I cooled down greatly.

I just found that analyzing situation helped me - instead of focusing on my rage, I look at what is making me mad and try to figure out what exactly is happening.

99% of the times, it's because I have a problem with it because I want to control the situation. I was a big control freak and wanted things done my way, wanted people to walk faster in front of me, I wanted that cashier to stop being so fucking smiley and stop asking me how my day was, because I wanted her to be faster, so that I could get the hell out of the store. I wanted dishes done right away, wanted my kids to listen when I talk, wanted the customer service rep to give me that discount, so many things I wanted my way. And then I chilled the fuck out, because it's not about me and what I want. It's about how I perceive things that are happening to me and how I react to them. Sure I can want things, and so now when they do happen my way, I am much happier then I was before when I had to fight for it.

I learned that thinking should is wrong, because should implies control. He should do it this way, she should have said this, they should understand... Now I just let things happen and take control of me, myself and my feelings, emotions, reactions.

In your case, you have bunch of people that try to pry perks out of you. Well, it doesn't hurt to try and they can do that till they are blue in the face; but they shouldn't stop doing what they are doing, because they are just people, trying to get through life, doing what they what want to be doing.

One of the books I will recommend, even if you don't have kids, is Screamfree parenting. It helped me chill out a great deal and taught me that trying to control children without being in control of my own emotions is a ridiculous concept. I highly recommend reading it, because I am sure customers in a lot of way are like children - throwing tantrums to get what they want.

All the best!

You'll need this: http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0062122703

And a good couples'/marriage therapist (please make sure you get a clinical psychologist/psychotherapist). If he won't agree to read that book AND go to therapy then he isn't serious.

As someone who is working through a relationship that is built all around cheating and basically a terrible start (but a very strong friendship), I can safely tell you that if he won't read that book (and take it seriously) AND go to therapy (both with you and by himself, you do the same) then he is in no way serious about making things work. He has screwed up here. While you both have some responsibility for the relationship, he chose to cheat, so he has to make up for that. It's all going to be on him to make this right (this does not, however, give you the right to hold it over his head for years and years---ask me how I know that one :-\ )

Do that first, in about 3 months you'll find out if it's worth saving. And two therapists will definitely help. I understand how it is to be with someone so long, and be older, and look, priorities change. A 20-something woman who goes through the same thing has the luxury to tell the dude to GTFO, a single 30-something with no children has the same luxury. When you're older and have a whole life built around a relationship, that makes things way different. Find women who are in a similar life to yours and seek advice from them. Trust me, it's important...people whose lifestyles don't match yours will give you advice that pertains to their lifestyle, not yours...and it'll only lead to confusion (ask me how I know that one, too ).

Good Luck! Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about anything...i've been dealing with this for 4 years now...it's a slow, painful process.

I recommend the book Siblings without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live too. It's an easy read.

http://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-Together/dp/0393342212/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414118779&sr=1-1&keywords=siblings+without+rivalry

It sounds to me like you two got in a pattern of communication that is nipping your empathy in the bud. It's hard for a relationship to blossom without empathy. You need to make yourself a really good listener, and show her (in a way she understands) that you are emotionally meeting her where she is. She eventually has to do the same thing, but it only takes one of you to break the pattern and start changing things for the better... so control the variable that is easiest to control -- yourself.

I highly recommend this book: The Lost Art of Listening by Michael Nichols

Did you know Amazon will donate a portion of every purchase if you shop by going to smile.amazon.com instead? Over $50,000,000 has been raised for charity - all you need to do is change the URL!

Here are your smile-ified links:

"The Parenthood Decision: Discovering Whether You Are Ready and Willing to Become a Parent

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^^i'm ^^a ^^friendly bot

The Anatomy of Peace

Absolutely life changing. The book is about seeing people as people rather than as objects. Seems simple enough, but I promise you it will open your eyes to a whole new way of seeing people and interacting with them.

There's actually a sequel called Leadership and Self-Deception with goes a bit deeper into the concepts covered in the first and how to resolve them.

Both are not books you want to skip if you ever deal with people in any way, ever.

I HIGHLY recommend The Parenthood Decision: Discovering Whether You Are Ready and Willing to Become a Parent. This book helped me tremendously in clarifying my decision whether or not to have children.

I hope that it is not presumptuous of me to suggest reading a book. But I found The Lost Art of Listening helpful in my relationships.

I learned that listening to someone is a skill. You're not born with it, but you can learn it and practice improves it.

I used to be a pastor and I worked briefly as a hospital chaplain, so I sat with suffering people a lot. It helped me learn to shut up and listen and say things that are helpful. If I were in your shoes, I'd make an appointment with a pastor or a counselor and ask, "Teach me how to listen and speak appropriately with people who are in emotional turmoil." These are trained professionals in precisely that field.

I do think having cats has helped my children learn to be empathetic. We spend a lot of time talking about what the cat is thinking when they ask questions about the cat's behavior. That said, I wonder if what you are really looking for here is help with empathy. Sounds to me like you are describing a child who is having trouble with impulse control/executive function rather than empathy and I doubt a cat could help with that.

Have you read The Explosive Child?

> There is a book that I think is called "The seven languages of love" which explains that some see physical contact as a sign of love.

Would you mind linking that book. There are some titles that are similar but nothing that matches what you mentioned exactly.

Edit: I found two, both by the same author - one is specifically aimed at men. Link 1 ... Link 2

Are either of these the one you were thinking of?

The best: https://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0062122703

Read Siblings without Rivalry. Seriously.. This book is great.

Get the book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk," and then when he's older, get the sequel for teens. They're brilliant.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/0060741260

I second "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen." The authors (Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish) also have an excellent book called "Siblings Without Rivalry"

http://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-Together/dp/0393342212/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1418149953&sr=8-1&keywords=siblings+without+rivalry+how+to+help+your+children+live+together+so+you+can+live+too

I am a father of a 2 year old and have been reading many parenting books recently. The ones that have the most impact are Playful Parenting and Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids

Both talk about holding your child until they are done having "difficult feelings" and playing through the experiences they have difficulty with. While these might be harder with older children there are other techniques to use with older children in the books. There are so many techniques to deal with difficult children besides hitting, it is just that corporal punishment is the fastest and easiest to dole out.

I am always confused with adults who talk about how they turned out alright even though they faced corporal punishment. I always want to ask if they turned out like they did in spite of their upbringing or because of it. Do we then compare our circumstances (I make X amount, I have X amount of stuff, I have X amount of free time) and if my circumstances are better, does that mean my parents raised me better?

I've found this book to be pretty decent "work" book.

Leadership and Self-Deception

http://amzn.com/1576759776

I don't know if this is what you are looking for or more of something like this...?

How about The Explosive Child by Ross Greene? Focuses on the Collaborative Problem Solving approach (see also www.thinkkids.org), which views temper tantrums as a delay in the development of emotion regulation skills and works on building those skills. Jed Baker's No More Meltdowns is another great option with some similar ideas.

For general parenting -- including dealing with tantrums -- I love How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish. Dawson and Guare's Smart But Scattered helps with executive functioning skills-development of all types (emotional regulation is an executive function; others include things like organization and planning).

Oh, and I haven't made it all the way through it yet, but The Whole Brain Child has some good ideas on how to talk about distress tolerance with kids, e.g., "surfing the emotional waves."

The Lost Art of Listening, Second Edition: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships https://www.amazon.com/dp/1593859864/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_9jC3CbZMQ7K41

I've listened through twice, am reading through again, and have recommended it to many who are equally entralled with the practical information and advice.

That's extremely naive.

You need to read this:

NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

https://www.amazon.com/NOT-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering-ebook/dp/B00120955S

Buy the book Not Just Friends

You should read the book ScreamFree Parenting. I mean, really, every parent should read it. Changed the way my husband and I interact with our kids.

Take a gander at this book

"Siblings without Rivalry" is a good book by Faber/Mazlish
amazon link

I highly recommend reading Between Parent and Child

It will give you wonderful information about communicating with your child. I reread it often.

From the jacket:

• Discipline without threats, bribes, sarcasm, and punishment
• Criticize without demeaning, praise without judging, and express anger without hurting
• Acknowledge rather than argue with children’s feelings, perceptions, and opinions
• Respond so that children will learn to trust and develop self-confidence

Read leadership and self deception (https://www.amazon.com/Leadership-Self-Deception-Getting-Out-Box/dp/1576759776)

Leadership and Self Deception by The Arbinger Institute

I will write more later when I'm not at work, but in the meantime, check out this book, because if I knew what was in it BEFORE shit hit the fan, we'd probably still be together. This book is spot on.

http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Remedy-Proven-Program-Marriage/dp/0684873257

I'll give you more details about my personal situation later.

He says he has moved on, doesn’t miss her, and wants to just forget it even happened. Well, easy for him to say! When I made the comment that our marriage will never be what it used to be (in the beginning), he got upset.

​

This. He doesn't get to decide that. HE did this to you, it's not some personal embarassing thing he can just shrug off. It shook your relationship and your trust in him to its core.

It is a fact that your marriage will never be what it used to be!

Tell him that he needs to take responsibility!

Make him read the book https://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0062122703

and do couples counselling. Tell him this rather than asking, and tell him that if he refuses to do anything differently, you can only assume that he hasn't changed, ie he's still lying and expecting to get away with minimal work while you deal with reality. Which isn't good enough, or indeed your problem to take care of.

​

I'm very sorry for what you're going through, rooting for you!

That could be good advice, or it could be astonishingly bad advice. And the question gives us no way to determine which.

Here's the big question we need to know: Do you want out of the marriage, or do you want her back?

Either way, I wouldn't lawyer up or take any other hostile action unless she does so first. A lawyer's job is to win the battle by legal standards. This is often the precise opposite of getting you what you want in the long run.

If you want the marriage to end, try to negotiate a settlement that helps you both without lawyers if possible. You can always bring them in later if you have to.

If you want her back, try to remain calm, resist anger, despair, or other emotions that will cloud your head, and read Michele Weiner-Davis's The Divorce Remedy.

YTA, Leave it alone. If it had happened a LOT, or over the course of a long time, or was very recent, or they were having a lot of current marital problems, then maybe you should tell. Or more specifically you would tell him he needs to confess or you will tell. Always give the cheater a chance to confess.

At this point, years later, a one time mistake like this should just be left alone.
I would suggest to him that he read this book: NOT Just Friends
What he got himself into is a common trap these days, and it could happen again if he doesn’t take precautions.

OP you need to understand that your decision to not invite your new daughter to your wedding WILL have consequences. It will cause (perhaps irreparable) damage to her relationship with you and her own father. It will also damage her sense of self worth, most likely for life.

Are you willing to jeopardize life-long consequences for your new daughter against having a fun, stress free party that lasts exactly one day?

I get that she is being difficult. I teach high school, but I used to teach seventh grade so I get how terrible 12 year olds can act. Especially, hurt 12 year olds. You just have to remember that you are the adult and soon to be parent in this relationship. You cannot look at this situation as "you against her". This attitude will be disastrous for both of you and will never work at improving your relationship with her.

May I suggest a book for you? How to Talk to Teens so Teens Will Listen and Listen so Teens Will Talk is one of the books I read early on in my teaching career that helped me build relationships with troubled teens.