> thing to do is to "let it go" and "look at the bright side"

That is never advice for someone after trauma. Anyone who tells you to 'just get over it' has no idea what trauma is like or how the brain responds to it. As a friend of mine once said, "the only way out, is through." Recovery is a difficult and long process, but I promise to you that you will recover.

> Even counselling isn't helping much as there isn't really any way to get back at him and that is what I want

'Getting back' and healing are two separate things and those two things will never intersect. You will not heal through revenge. I support your pursuit of justice, but I also know, through experience and through the many other survivors I know (and have grown with), that the justice system is more re-traumatizing than helpful. This is going to sound cliche AF but sometimes the best revenge is just reemerging from this as the strongest, best, most happy version of yourself. I know that sounds whack right now. I know the idea of feeling happy and safe again feels laughable right now, but it is possible. I think the first time I truly learned to love myself was maybe 3 years after my rape. My rape recovery taught me a lot about myself. I don't owe my rape any of that hard work, I did all that in spite of being raped, but I can say that I grew.

Have you tried group therapy? That was critical for me. Recovering with people going through similar things...it made me feel so supported and loved and valid, feelings I couldn't get from the friends and family I confided in.

I also don't recommend this sub for this type of discussion because it is constantly being trolled by ill-meaning people. r/rapecounseling is an amazing place and well moderated as is r/rape.

I'm linking here two writings from survivors that got me through some awful moments - they may help you too:

https://thoughtcatalog.com/velouria-black/2017/10/i-will-no-longer-let-you-invalidate-my-rape/

https://thoughtcatalog.com/cj-hale/2013/06/12-things-no-one-told-me-about-sex-after-rape/

https://www.amazon.com/Rape-Recovery-Handbook-Step-Step/dp/1572243376


I am here for you. Anytime. I'm on year 4 of my recovery. I am so grateful to the people who made themselves available to me to talk throughout my recovery. Writing also helped me. I have maybe over 50 pages of advice I've collected over the years, and am happy to share.

<3 I am wishing you the best. You are not alone in this. Rape will teach you first how cruel the world is and second it will teach you just how beautiful and loving it can be, because slowly, but surely, you will see so real beauty in the people who help you now, in the people who stand up for you now, and in yourself as you fight for yourself, fight to love yourself, like never before.

Take care of yourself, love.

Your girlfriend went through something incredibly traumatic, and her reaction is normal. You don't have to have answers for her, but just be there to help her feel loved, supported and safe, as it seems you are already doing.

First, respect her choice to not report. Instead, focus on maintaining and improving daily life for you both. The better you can keep your lives on track (while not dismissing what she's going through), the easier it should be for her to face what happened, process it and feel like herself again.

Try to get more exercise than usual, especially outdoors... it will help get stress out and might help her sleep. In the same vein, think about activities that you like to do together... a museum, the movies, live music, meet up with friends/family, a mini road trip, going to a lake, whatever - and make plans to do at least one of those things per week.

Plan and cook healthy meals together, chill and watch tv together, maybe go for coffee and chat together. Let her know that you love her and are open to listening to whatever is on her mind, and acknowledge to her that while this is all new to you, you truly are trying your best to be there for her. Ask her to tell you if there's anything she wants or needs.

You might have some success in getting her a bit of help by suggesting she talk to her doctor about medication to help with sleep. For all of the questions she has, you could try suggesting a book like The Rape Recovery Handbook. There's also RAINN.org, and for you there's this Men's Guide that might be helpful.

Remember that it's not easy supporting someone going through trauma, and even if she isn't at a point where she can get professional help for herself, that doesn't mean you can't get it for yourself. You having some support from a therapist during this time could really be helpful for both of you. Thank you for being there for her. Take care.

I don't know how to start this response, so this is my first sentence. I helped a friend deal with a rape a couple years back who held onto it for about 5 years. IT was hard because she wouldn't see a therapist. So we followed a book and it seemed to help her a lot although she still struggles. Each response to a traumatic event is unique but the book we got was amazing. [1]

A therapist is a good option if you can find a good one, and sadly it's not always easy. Going through the book can help a lot but won't match a therapist. Further still I would suggest EMDR. It helped me, it's helped others. It's a nifty mind hack that seems to work.

The hardest part for you is approaching her. She's held onto it for over a decade and is reluctant to talk about it. You'll have to find the delicate balance between pushing her to try and finally process this trauma, and giving her space to step up when she is ready. Buying the book and giving it to her one day with a really great supportive note might give here a sincere kick that helps her get motivated. The key thing to remember here is that if she doesn't want to get help, she won't. She has to be ready and your only job is to be supportive and motivational without causing her undo stress. I'ts a tricky job. I think that's part of what loving someone is about.

This information doesn't change your relationship, and don't let it infect your mind by attributing all her behaviours from it. We are all highly complex and part of you helping her is not creating a database of actions you think are caused from not dealing with this. Since it seems like you learned this recently, use this opportunity to try and prod her just a bit into considering processing it. But if she doesn't budge, tread lightly, and possibly, get your own therapist to help you out. They can sometimes help you figure out ways of helping her. But always be careful with therapists. Playing with the mind is a dangerous game.


[1] http://www.amazon.com/Resurrection-After-Rape-transforming-survivor/dp/0615209661/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1409612441&sr=8-1&keywords=resurrection+after+rape

Some people experience a shift in thinking -I did and have witnessed it in others- when understanding the ramifications of the C-PTSD construct and what follows from integrating its supporting science into one's aware interactions, perceptions, cognitions.

CPTSD is NOT just another diagnostic construct. CPTSD is putting a name to what has been most frequently referred to throughout the last millennia as 'the human condition', specially so in the West.

C-PTSD is the name put to the mass dysfunction that's spread almost world-wide (I'm not sure how it began; there might be some History there..); you know how everyone seems to have an intuition that things are not quite right anywhere, that humanity as a whole is in an unnecessary state of self-inflicted pain and things like this; C-PTSD is finding the whys and hows of this so-called 'human condition', which I'd best describe as the [post-]'traumatic human conditioning'.

C-PTSD comes into the diagnostic world as just another diagnostic construct, but the science that supports this is by no means 'ordinary' -recently overemployed- profit-driven pseudo-science; not only that, the science behind this leap in understanding human physiology and human experience in general means a revolution in the Paradigm on Self, Other, and World, as one will probably understand upon reading (and 'testing') the Polyvagal Theory as well as anything coming from the 'somatic therapies' side. Not to mention all the previous revolutions that this supporting research has brought about such as the Structural Dissociation model, endless insights on human physiology and psychology, or said somatic therapies.

Final thoughts on this, the whole global mess of 'emotional oppression' has needed this long wreaking havoc in order to catch the researchers' attention, and over 50years of dedicated research to start being unveiled for what it is; but, let's make no mistake: people from 'radically' different cultures are able to easily see this dysfunction as it occurs, being transmitted interpersonally and intergenerationally without need for any 'science' whatsoever ('crazy white man' is a phrase I've sincerely and spontaneously muttered many many times, by which I mean I've been able to see it AND experience it directly, and I was only a kid; I'm 'white' btw); we've needed this science crutch because we gave away our own Observation and Deduction rights -and use- as we were acculturated; mostly every human being in this society has lived blind right from the start. But one doesn't need science to know this, nor to understand what things work towards helping with it and which do towards destabilizing a person further. The good thing is that now this wisdom is 'manualized' and even the skeptic modern mind will then be likelier to benefit from it; it's what happens in a society where 'official' institutions approve of what one's been told –and one relies on it to validate one's own experience.

There's all the needed science to understand it, and change it. And yet...

​

Look at the global picture, you'll see that the common element in every household regardless of culture, period, economic status, etc etc etc, is the emotional oppression upon newborns and developing 'children'. That is the core of this thing that 'modern' science comes to call 'C-PTSD'. That's how frequently the phenomenon you mention occurs.


The latest science is also coming to see the link between addiction and trauma. I spotted this when I was around 6y.o. and was sure beyond possible doubt by age 14; started smoking at 25 after a parent almost died twice. Good that science is catching up, though.

This is to say: TRUST YOURSELF EVERY SINGLE STEP OF THE WAY. Trust what your body-mind reveals or implies, trust it in why/how it conceals and distorts what it does. You'll find it was -all of it- in order to protect you, to care for you(rself), and guide you, all along. Therapists and peers can be lifesaving, though ultimately it's all up to you and your determination to creatively resolve whatever challenge this journey brings along. Your intuition (your body's ancient built-in system to make you aware of what the body truly needs) is a 'skill' to nurture; first by listening, a lot, without acting or interfering; eventually you'll just know whenever your organism is kindly requesting you to this or that.

​

Who knows how long it'll take you, but yes it can -and likely will- get better.
Please make searchs for specific questions since there's a lot of invaluable information and conversations in this sub. Best wishes on this journey.

I found a general overview of how CSA affects attachment here:
https://www.bridgestorecovery.com/blog/trauma-childhood-abuse-affects-interpersonal-relationships-begin-healing/

I'm sure there's a lot more out there :)

I will say, from my own perspective, that I managed to find an absolutely lovely man, and we had a good relationship that I managed to keep in a holding pattern away from too much commitment, or from leaving outright, for over 10 years before I got married.

When I got engaged, every anxiety I had about being vulnerable and TRULY close to someone (ie, making that kind of commitment) exploded in my face leaving me curled up on my bed seeking solace in every single fraction of a moment I had there.

I didn't know what kind of wall I had up between my hubby and I, but it was pretty impressive. Deep down I knew I didn't let ANYONE close. Even the man I knew I loved. And I didn't know why.

It wasn't until I started therapy for CSA (I'd been amnesiac to it) that I started realizing what was really going on, and the strange fears and anger I would feel towards my husband started to make SENSE.

I'm saying all this because it's quite possible to have a lovely relationship with someone with attachment issues, but you might find yourself unable to go past a certain point. There might be the feeling of being held at arms length. Loved, certainly, but held at that distance because that's all the person you love can handle.

This might not be the case for your hubby. I'm just trying to give you an example of how CSA has affected my relationship. I consider myself pretty lucky. I didn't land in a relationship with another abuser, and it sounds like he's been lucky to find you too.

I would recommend a search for 'attachment issues abuse survivors', and 'partners of abuse survivors', because there are actually a bunch of support groups out there for folks like you.

I did a search for ' books for partners of abuse survivors' and also found:
https://www.amazon.com/Survivors-Partners-Healing-Relationships-Sexual/dp/0962996041

It's very good of you to care :)

I'm sorry nobody visited you in the Hospital. Everyone deserves a visit in the hospital.

> Nothing in life has colors, for me everything is bland, black and white, everything bores me ... I really don't have any motive

It's the internet -- I cannot make a diagnosis, and I'm not a therapist -- but what you describe above matches my understanding of depression.

> I've always felt like I'm the third wheel in everything and they probably just include me out of courtsey.

Other people's response to you, and your interpretation of their response to you, are both heavily influenced by how you view yourself.

> I don't want to think about suicide because if I do, I'm afraid I might actually do it ... I want it to end somehow, I just don't want to be the one who causes it.

We can think and talk about suicide without actually doing it. Lookup suicide ideation. I've had suicide ideation for over 30 years.

Have some faith in yourself.

If your experience of life sucks, it's not unreasonable to seek an escape. Obviously suicide is one way to do that. But you haven't given up on life yet -- or you'd already be dead. Fortunately for you (and me), there are other solutions...

> I want to change my way of life,

At the age of 18, you're at the perfect age to start healing work. You have your teen years mostly behind you, and your 20's and 30's lie ahead. Any improvement you make now will last your lifetime, with compounding interest.

You have plenty of time to foster the types of relationships you seek -- you're just emerging from the gauntlet of childhood -- not entirely unscathed it would seem.

Since this is reddit and not (entirely) a support group, I'll end with some recommendations:

• you need someone to talk with -- a good listener. Not someone who's going to try and solve your problems for you. I strongly recommend a therapist you feel comfortable with; a real-life person is best, if possible. Just a few sessions to help you with a diagnosis would help. Also try on-line forums; don't be afraid to sign up to forums for survivors of trauma or child abuse. Poke your nose into different places and see if anything sticks to you. Healing work is healing work, independent of the instigating trauma.
  
  
• Read some psychology books. I recommend anything by Alice Miller like "The Drama of the Gifted Child", but really anything that piques your interest. You don't have to read them cover-to-cover -- I tend to scan them and read the bits that catch my interest. Your local library likely has a mountain of psychology and self-healing books. Don't take anything as gospel or truth (especially the pop-psyche books <shiver>); everything is a potential mirror to help you understand yourself more.
  
  
• I don't know if this will do anything for you, but... Imagine there's a mute person in your head, watching, listening to everything you say... and they control your emotions (ie: what you feel). You must call a truce and make peace with this person. "I hate myself" is better said as, "I hate my experience of life". "I am weak" becomes "I feel weak". These word games may not seem important, but it's important to validate and acknowledge your feelings, not just feel them and go "yuk, this sucks" and push them away.
  
  Self-healing cannot make you into Brad Pitt, but it can help you accept yourself and lead to a greater sense of contentment. And all the energy that goes into your self-hating can instead be directed to enjoying and improving your life.
  
  Best of luck.

http://www.amazon.com/Body-Remembers-Psychophysiology-Treatment-Professional/dp/0393703274/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1458805403&sr=8-1&keywords=the+body+remembers

http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Childhood-Sexual-Abuse-Practical/dp/1555612253/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1458805422&sr=1-1&keywords=surviving+childhood+sexual+abuse

http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Childhood-Sexual-Abuse-Workbook/dp/1555612903/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1458805422&sr=1-2&keywords=surviving+childhood+sexual+abuse (workbook that goes with the above)

These three books have been absolutely invaluable to me as a placeholder for therapy. In fact, when I was in an intensive-outpatient day program specifically for sexual trauma, 90% of the therapy was directly out of the first book. When I could no longer afford to attend, I just went out and bought it myself.

I'm not trying to push that its better than therapy but I completely understand where you guys are at and to be honest if it's not the right time, then it's not the right time, and nothing good comes of forcing yourself before you're ready or before being sure that you will have time to open pandora's box, in a sense...at least it feels that way, anyway.

You sound very loving and supporting to be there with your girlfriend through this, and I hope you both can get some peace asap. Sending yall the best of thoughts.

First, ask him to watch this Oprah show.

He is not alone and needs to know that. Next, you can look at reliable sources and he can too. Two reliable websites are:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/

https://1in6.org/

Support groups for male survivors are extremely successful. If you can find a group close to you, that may be really helpful for him.

You can be there and tell him that you still love him and it doesn't change the way you feel about him at all. Tell him you'll support him in whatever he chooses to do. You really can't push him to get therapy or go to a support group because pushing him not helpful- you have to meet him where he's at. But the fact that he told you means that he may be ready to start talking about it. You can give him the resources and then offer to help if he wants. If it's too much for him right now, that's okay. Back off and let him go at his own pace.

My husband is a survivor as well and I did a lot of research when he first told me. I went to a workshop and bought this book too (by the guy who ran the workshop), and found it very helpful.

With the standard caveats about how not everyone needs what other people need...I see a psychologist (not a psychiatrist), so it's talk therapy and not meds, where the psychological orientation is "interpersonal" (i.e. her goal is to be a functioning interpersonal relationship of mine). I interviewed several with the question "how do you help someone with these problems" and made sure I liked what I heard.

I'm also in a therapy group where all of the members get to try out having feelings with each other and see how they react to each other and how other people react to them. It's pretty hard to sniff out one of those locally, but it's a really valuable way to work on interpersonal stuff.

Books on relationship stuff: You can look at John Gottman's books (here is a cheat sheet) for thoughts on marriage. For stuff like "OMFG my parents taught me nothing" I also used to look at books like this one as well. But I really feel like therapy is the best place for it. It's like going to a personal trainer vs. trying to learn how to work out by yourself at home -- you could probably figure it out on your own, but it's a lot faster if someone shows you the ropes.

I would actually get books for my classroom. Now that I see how little my students at my low-income urban high school have, and how easy it is to help them out and make their days...I get them books from THEIR wish lists to add to our classroom libraries for Free Reading Fridays!

Like these 2 used books:

Luna

The Lost Boy

=)

Happy Birthday!, and thanks for being selfless and spending your Birthday money on someone else! ♥

Having sex you don't enjoy for someone else's pleasure is bound to become a chore, as you're experiencing.

> But I want it, I just want her to listen to me and do what I need her to do

Why is she unwilling to do what you need to orgasm and enjoy sex too?

I'd be hesitant to advise staying with someone who is unwilling to make sex fun for you too. It's selfish and that rarely works out well.


> I was sexually abused from the age 6-9 and it really stunted me sexually so I have very specific things that need to happen in order for me to let loose and be completely comfortable.

Have you seen a therapist to work through this? Recovery and healing is possible and can help you be more free and explorative.

What are the specific things you need and why is your partner unwilling to do them?



There are some great self-help books for people to work through sexual trauma, if you're open to going that route:

Many therapists recommend these books. Some of them have accompanying workbooks, as well:



The Rape Recovery Handbook: Step-by-Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault by Aphrodite Matsakis

​

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz

​

Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines

​

The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse Laura Davis & Ellen Bass

​

Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child Laura Davis

​

Coming Home to Passion: Restoring Loving Sexuality in Couples with Histories of Childhood Trauma and Neglect by Ruth Cohn

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KPLWIK/

Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women

"Almost ten years after its original publication, this groundbreaking and practical guide remains a wise, informed, and vital resource for those who want to assist a friend or loved one in her struggle to escape an abusive relationship. Susan Brewster, a longtime psychotherapist whose practice includes working with abused women and their families, recognizes that friends and family need specific tools and ideas to help them develop a relationship with their abused loved one that will ultimately benefit her, not control her."

​

While this book may be helpful, ultimately it's up to her to extract herself from the situation. A somewhat less than kind way to approach it would be to make sure her will and directives are up to date and copies are filed appropriately.

Congrats on your new job! In retail, part time will often lead to full time if you're good at your job.

So can the book be nonfiction? The most interesting book I've read is called Animals in Translation by Temple Grandin. Not only are there ridiculous amounts of animal facts, but her explanation of how autism relates to how animals think (the author herself is autistic).

Another very interesting (but very dark) nonfiction book is When Rabbit Howls by Truddi Chase. It's about a woman with 99 different personalities, and the trauma she endured throughout her life. The cool thing about it is that it's autobiographical. .. you can actually notice the changes in personality as she wrote the book. Names are sometimes spelled differently and the passages just kind of change in mood on occasion. So fascinating. ..

On those lines, one of my favorite fictional books of all time is One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey. Even if you've seen the movie, the book is very different because it is from the point of view of an american indian, who thinks that everything and everyone are machines. Such a cool classic!

Luckily my mom is into self-help stuff. She loves going on youtube and watching stuff on narcissism and psychology. If only she would connect the dots - ha ha! She really likes http://www.marcandangel.com/ I'm guessing she is not meant to look at such sites. She takes tips from some of the self-help books I have read and found good. I'm hoping to one day get her to read "The subtle power of spiritual abuse", which is a very good book. https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Power-Spiritual-Abuse-Manipulation/dp/0764201379

It drives me nuts that she can't connect the dots.

Medications can definitely help, but sometimes when it comes to trauma and CPTSD, I feel like they are only "bandaids" that can assist us with coping with the symptoms - but they won't treat the cause.

Self-education and reflection through reading Pete Walkers CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving (his website's articles are awesome, too), and Beverly Engel's It Wasn't Your Fault were a huge assistance to my recovery starting out.

The other recommendation I would have are support groups and therapy. I understand how difficult it can be to find/access/afford a trauma-informed therapist, but I found a lot of support and assistance in codependency support groups (CODA.org) and Adult Children of
Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families.

Sounds like you have a narc on your hands, and you married her golden child. And that you should have stayed strong with your first NC, but isn't that true for all of us?

You're in the right place, and we can help you and if he'll let us- your husband. Who should check out /raisedbynarcissists.

Here's the three books I suggest that might really help with getting a good hold on the situation:

Here are the books that I think will give you the knowledge of what's going on, and tools to manage it.

1. Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
   
2. Toxic Parents is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
   
3. Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.
   
   If you read these three books, you'll be so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.
   

It means your therapist hates men. That was rape and it should not be minimized, especially by a professional. Great big, non-threatening internet hugs for you. I found The Courage to Heal helpful when I finally got help for my experiences. It is geared toward women, but most of the information would still apply if you switch the pronouns. I ended up with PTSD from my experiences. I encourage you to seek help. The people at RAINN can help you start.

I read these during my Addictions class in Undergrad. I found them very interesting to read from the point of view of both the parent and the addict themselves. If you're interested in Addictions at all they may be of interest to you too.

Tweak: Growing Up on Methamphetamines

Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction

Someone mentioned A Child called It, and there is another one by the same writer about his time in foster care which is really interesting and gut-wrenching too:

The Lost Boy: A Foster Child's Search for the Love of a Family

I like pizza. I like ladies. I like panties. ;]

I love to have this book. It should really help me better understand myself.

Personally, I'm very indebted to self-help books. It may sound silly, but that was seriously more helpful than any therapist has been for me. They give me a way to process new information without having to feel vulnerable in front of someone right that minute, you know? The most useful to me, that relate to your post at least, was The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It helped me to wrap my head around what happened, and helped me feel strong enough to give new relationships a shot. For me at least, that book helped to draw me out of the fear and other symptoms that I was living with.

I think, in the end, the struggle we go through will eventually make us stronger people; more empathetic, more able to see the difference between subtle bad signs and good ones, and more equipped to support other survivors. It just takes a lot to turn us into those people... But the future is there. Eventually, this will all be just a story that you'll tell about the life experiences that gave you your wisdom and strength.

Please talk to a lawyer but also get support.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship is the best book I’ve come across about verbal abuse. It gives examples of the types of verbal abuse there are, the fact that you and your partner are operating in two different realities (you’re being reasonable and he’s trying to gain power, so anything you respond to as a reasonable person is going to be twisted so he can maintain power over you); it breaks down the various categories of verbal abuse and gives scripts on how to respond/shut it down. It helped me to stop second guessing myself: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004GUS7OG/ref=dp-kindle-redirect

Second, The Hotline can help you make a safety plan, and supportive chat. There is also a link here to emotional safety planning, which is important: https://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/

I’m sorry you’re in this situation and I wish you all the support in finding peace.

My name is Cory
I recently picked up this, Darrell Hammond's autobiography:
God, If You're Up there, I'm F*cked: Tales of Stand-Up, Saturday Night Live, and Other Mind-Altering Mayhem

I initially got it because I am personally a fan of Mr. Hammond and Saturday Night Live, but upon reading it I found much more. Like Darrell, I live to make people laugh. I would find out this was one of many things we had in common. Throughout his life, Darrell Hammond has struggled with bouts of depression, drug and alcohol abuse, and numerous suicide attempts. 2 years ago, I was at a low point in my life, struggling with my sexual orientation and dealing with major depression and a lifelong battle with obesity. I tried to cut my wrists. It is shocking to some that someone who loves to laugh, and loves to make others laugh could be at such a point where they feel the desire to hurt himself, but Darrell Hammond taught me that we can overcome these demons. We can fall, as long as we get back up again. We can be both our own worst enemy and our own best friend, even at the same time. And perhaps most importantly, nothing can replace the feeling we get when we put a smile on someones face. I'm convinced Darrell Hammond wrote this book to save his own life.
I'd love this Ebook so I can have this piece of writing with me wherever I go on this very transitional phase of my life. I will look to it often when I am struggling, and know that my demons and challenges don't define who I am, even when I succumb to them. The most important thing is to keep on going, and keep on doing what I love.

Ooh, this is the post I've been waiting for! I've found bibliotherapy to be very helpful in my healing.

For understanding abuse: Understanding the Borderline Mother

This NPD website

For healing yourself: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Adult Children of Abusive Parents





And, what you were really asking for: Full Catastrophe Living

Complex PTSD



You wrote:
>Still, I can't maintain a positive or calm feeling state for more than a few minutes, I feel constant anxiety, I am easily provoked, I get easily upset or angry, and I stay upset for hours or days to come, despite all the work I've put in.

This sounds familiar. What I've learned is that it's hard to build new neural pathways when you're stuck in the old feelings of panic. Re-wiring the brain means practicing being in a state of calmness, and the more time you spend there, the easier it will be to get back. So anything that makes you feel calm, even momentarily, is something you should practice. It's ok if you can only feel it for a short time!

My therapist used to tell me, "Get yourself calm, by ANY MEANS NECESSARY!" I think he was suggesting I get high. ;-) What worked for me was to a little meditation, yoga, and spiritual practice, and a lot of locking myself in my house alone with all the blinds drawn. It was the only way I could feel safe for a long time. I wonder if all the activities you've been doing are, paradoxically, stressing you out more? Maybe giving yourself permission to do less would help?

Hope my super long post is helpful! Good luck, OP.

I was born and raised in a cult. My parents were both narcissistic. Yay for me!

The reason why it feels very related, it’s because most (I’d say all) leaders/gurus are narcissists. Think of the cult as a gigantic “family”. They use the same techniques and tactics. It doesn’t truly matter what the belief system is, the belief system is there as a facade.

I’d say a great read is the book Traumatic Narcissism by Dan Shaw. He goes into a lot of detail about gurus and narcissism.

Edit to add Thought Reform by Robert J Lifton and looking into his categories.

So yes. TLDR. There’s a lot of crossover.

At the Heart of Gold is just as amazing, especially because a lot of the women whose voices are heard on the podcast are on the screen.

I also heard that Rachel Denhollander has a new book, called What Is a Girl Worth. It's on my list.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1496441338/?tag=slatmaga-20

You're so welcome. Therapy is expensive, I know. After I left my rapist, I began reading books about recovery. My favorite has been Resurrection After Rape - it was incredibly helpful to dissect and understand what had happened to me. I hope you find comfort and solace, and continue to heal and grow. All the best <3

How about a helping hand:
[snip snip glue glue]

Here are the books that I think will give you the knowledge of what's going on, and tools to manage it.

• Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.
  
• Toxic Parents is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.
  
• Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.
  
  If you read these three books, you'll be so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.

The Rape Recovery Handbook: Step-by-Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault

This guide applies to other sexual assault encounters. There's different exercises that can help you work through your emotions. At first it might seem to make you feel worse and cause a lot of crying, but it helps you go actually work through your emotions and maladative thoughts. This book helped me a lot.

You will get through it. (: stsy strong!

He wrote a book and it is one of the best SNL books I've read. He was using while he was on the show. He performed while high as a kite on crack, he said he did crack because it's AWESOME. You should read the book, it's funny as hell and really gives you insight into his life. The stuff about his mother is surreal. Pure lunacy.

http://smile.amazon.com/God-Youre-There-cked-Mind-Altering-ebook/dp/B004X2J6XI/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1411079206&sr=1-1&keywords=darrell+hammond

If you watch the sketches he quotes in the book as the ones he did totally whacked out, you'd never notice he was about to rip his face off as soon as the scene ended.

http://www.amazon.com/Victims-No-Longer-Classic-Recovering/dp/006053026X this is probably the best

http://www.amazon.com/Joining-Forces-Empowering-Survivors-Thrive/dp/1401941346/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1451773459&sr=1-1&keywords=joining+forces+empowering+male+survivors+to+thrive

This is another pretty good book

And you could try googling "rape resorce center" or "crisis center" and hopefully find some resources that way as well.

www.1in6.org also has some info that may help

Thank you! I also recommend..

Breaking Free: Help for survivors of child sexual abuse (Insight) https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0859698106/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_S1B9AbYNN61A3

I got myself a secondhand copy. Well worth it.

I went through stages with out even realizing it. After my sexual trauma I sought out sex - to prove that not all sex was bad and to prove to my self that I could get over it. That REALLY did not help. I experienced more sexual trauma and horrible relationships. I went through a period where I would either openly or publicly cry after every sexual encounter, no matter what happened. I thought "thats normal...?". After having this, and meeting the love of my life... it severely hindered our relationship. I WANT to enjoy sex with him but it was nearly impossible when every touch reminded me of some creep or horrible encounter. One night I thought - ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I made an appointment for a therapist the next day (my school has free therapy for sexual victims), bought this book which has helped a lot, and another book of hers. I highly recommend her book. Its a self help, self exercise book. I haven't cried after sex in a year. I am still triggered by somethings day to day, but sex with my partner has improved immensely.

I hope someone who has actually read this chimes in but as far as I know, it’s a quit smoking book. The writer smoked for 30 years and wrote a book about how he easily quit and I see a lot of now non smokers on this sub that speak a lot about it. Here is the Amazon link.

CoSA
and other support groups for partners of survivors are usually hard to find outside major cities. If you can't locate one close by, you may at least benefit from getting to some CoDA and ACA meetings. Likewise, see the books on this amazon page.

As a sexual assault survivor who struggled with liking sex and dealing with the aftermath, I understand some of what you're going through.

Therapy helped me. It really did. Before I could bring myself to actually go, though, I read a book called The Rape Recovery Handbook that helped me tremendously. It let me work through some of my most difficult feelings until I felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable with another person.

If finding affordable therapy is difficult, I have a few friends that use TalkSpace and they swear it's a very good alternative. You chat with licensed therapists.

At any rate, I hope that you are healed from your experience soon. The path is rough, but if you and your girlfriend are committed, it can help bring you closer together.

Here are a few books that helped

Wolves in sheep's clothing
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1935166301/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_vtd7AbB3D5CDN

Twisted scriptures

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310234085/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_Pdd7Ab7QTZ3SY

Subtle power of spiritual abuse

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0764201379/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_gfd7AbKPXEC1M

If you need healing, I suggest counsellor. Get a Christian counsellor if possible.

If you need a healing book there are also good ones out there.

There are truly healthy churches out there with people who encourage, edify and wont get in between you and Jesus. The problem starts at the top and has filtered down through all those he has influenced and taught how to teach orhers. Don't give up on the church, the way it is supposed to be. It takes time. I am still healing too. If you have been there long it takes some undoing.

Well that's intergenerational narcissism in the family tree then–it's not wrong per se, but yes, it can be hypocritical at your angle of insight. I don't doubt that children will likely resort to narcissism because their parents had such characteristics within their personality as well–the lack of self love and nurture during parenting/upbringing causes us to prop up this defensive barrier. I would say I am guilty of that too, but I am self-aware and adamantly working on untangling it. The narcissism has to come from somewhere and it's usually narcissistic parents–or some sort or developmental trauma-ta (e.g. childhood).

http://www.amazon.com/Traumatic-Narcissism-Relational-Subjugation-Perspectives/dp/0415510252

Case in point, an unrealized narcissistic calling their parents narcissistic is well... narcissism! What do you expect? :D

One thing that gradually happens in working with a good therapist is that you get to develop and hold on to a point of view that is truly your own. This is something that fundamentally threatens any cult, which can’t allow you to have that POV. You can do this.

Book: https://www.amazon.com/Traumatic-Narcissism-Relational-Subjugation-Perspectives/dp/0415510252

> when you are shy and lack trust in people it is difficult to make new friends. People expect you to be talkative, but when you are afraid to be yourself... to let others in... how can you be talkative?

That's one difference between introverts and extroverts.

> Why would they allow me to be raised in the same home?

Mostly it is willful blindness. Some spouses of abusers are very much into denial.

I recommend seeing a therapist. If you can find one, one who specializes in childhood sexual abuse. Two books that might help are: Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse (aimed more at adults) and It Happened to Me (aimed at teens and early 20s).

If you now live near a city, you may wish to visit their LGBT center. Most have group discussions. Some are focused, such as groups for folks just coming out, and others aren't.

Maybe check out some of these books which could help her work through the process that is provided in therapy in a self-guided way. What I would recommend is that she set aside an hour or two a week to devote to this to keep herself consistent, but not overwhelmed by over-reading:

the sexual healing journey

overcome trauma and ptsd

the PTSD workbook

the PTSD sourcebook

Then these are not workbooks - but might help provide her insight and healing:

quest for respect

resurrection after rape

This really sucks. I'm so sorry you're going though this.

Maybe these might help:

Life, Reinvented

Breaking free

Breaking free workbook

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Smoking-Allen-Carrs-Easyway/dp/178404542X/ref=nodl_

That’s how I finally quit. I’m sure it won’t work for everyone but I can promise it’s different from anything else you’ve tried

Her book comes out in September. I imagine we'll be seeing a lot more of Denhollander then :)

​

Book available for pre-order here!

You should really try this because it's amazing to read. I think the book itself could have been written a little better, but it really opens ones eyes as to what the human body will do to shelter itself.

Maybe start with this book: Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women

Definitely check out Matt Atkinson https://www.amazon.com/Resurrection-After-Rape-transforming-survivor/dp/0615209661/ref=sr_1_1?hvadid=78134114095683&hvbmt=bp&hvdev=c&hvqmt=p&keywords=matt+atkinson&qid=1557685310&s=gateway&sr=8-1 This book helped me a lot.

THIS! I found that book after I got out of my 21 yr abusive marriage, and it validated my experiences. Hey, I wasn't the crazy one after all!

Here is a link to the book for anyone who thinks this might apply to them. Worth every penny, easy to read, will open your eyes and let you know that you are not alone.

Seriously, this book did wonders for me, OP.

Something helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Wasnt-Your-Fault-Childhood-Self-Compassion/dp/1626250995

I would suggest reading the following books:

http://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-True/dp/0465012612/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1323483898&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Your-Own-Good-Child-Rearing-Violence/dp/0374522693/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1323483921&sr=8-1

This one

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1572243376/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=8MX1NXGD12519MT0KCK0

Drama of the Gifted Child

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0465012612/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1/192-3095771-7400916?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_r=1CVP3VT8EH5XAEDN4KS9&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_p=1944687702&pf_rd_i=0465016901

read it!

Congrats!!! When I became an Atheist I felt the exact same way.

I don't know your exact situation, but years after of becoming an Atheist, despite concrete beliefs I still struggled with deep shame from my upbringing. This book has been life changing for me to finally let go of my past and the way I was raised. I recommend checking it out! https://www.amazon.com/Wasnt-Your-Fault-Childhood-Self-Compassion/dp/1626250995

Perhaps you could read The Verbally Abusive Relationship?

Improvements are made when you reconnect with your feelings experience as a child. Emotions such as anger, loneliness and fear need to be experience in order for you to move on. I highly recommend you read any books from Alice Miller.


https://www.amazon.com/Your-Own-Good-Child-Rearing-Violence-ebook/dp/B007237VUA/ref=la_B000APM0AI_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1491709611&sr=1-4

https://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Third-ebook/dp/B00D0UWFP0/ref=la_B000APM0AI_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1491709646&sr=1-1

https://www.amazon.com/Free-Lies-Discovering-Your-Needs-ebook/dp/B002Y5KU72/ref=la_B000APM0AI_1_7?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1491709646&sr=1-7

Hmm...well, therapy was an enormous help for me. But I know not everyone has insurance that covers it. I also dealt with severe physical abuse, so maybe the books I read won't work for you.

However...I recommend this:
http://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_2/175-5751338-3289757?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_r=1SHX5JYKVB1D1XTKMJZM&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_p=1944687542&pf_rd_i=0688140718

http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=pd_sim_14_4?ie=UTF8&dpID=51p3IsmSqxL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR107%2C160_&refRID=0GAX75MV0QW96MAX79QS

These are not books I have read. The one I did read was "Adult Children of Abusive Parents". http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Abusive-Parents-Emotionally/dp/0345363884

That covers a lot of narcissistic issues as well, so while abuse doesn't seem to be an issue (although, when you do your soul-searching, you might uncover some truths that your parents maybe were emotionally abusive to you) it could be a very helpful book.

On those links on Amazon, if you scroll down it will show you similar books. Peruse them. Some are crap, others are very good. In every book, there will be info you will disagree with, or info that does not apply to you. That's ok. Focus on the info that resonates with you and applies to you.

And I warn you, it might be a painful experience, and things that happened a long time ago that did not make sense at the time, may suddenly make sense now that you can see their motivation behind their actions.

Best of all, however, is if you follow through, do the soul searching and most importantly, establish and stick with parameters that are right for you (and nobody else can say what is right for you) you will feel liberated. The guilt will be gone. You'll be able to throw off this huge weight you've been burdened with for so long that you likely don't even realize you've been carrying this stress around. I can tell just by what little you have shared that you harbor extreme guilt and worry that you are doing the 'wrong' thing and owe them more and are not being fair to your parents. All of which reflects that they have been very successful at emotionally manipulating you for their very selfish, narcissistic reasons.

Hope this helps!

Edit: I re-read your question of "what can you do" for the feeling bad that breaking away from your parents brings?

Time. Time, and sticking to your guns. I remember the first time I informed my parents of certain parameters by writing to them. I was ready to go out and buy a nice card, and my friend stopped me and said simply use a page of regular binder paper. I felt like I was committing some crime. As time passed and the initial shock was over, I slowly realized that placing parameters and refusing to allow myself to be emotionally manipulated was wonderful! You will stop feeling guilty and 'bad'. You will think, 'why did I not do this earlier'? You will develop confidence and realize you are doing the absolute right, moral and correct thing.

And, you may be sad and hurt, and even angry that your parents did what they did for so long.

So, be kind to yourself, accept that this is a process that won't change over night, and trust the process.

i think i have mine back and i think maybe it's even stronger than ever, though things do fluctuate. it's about 4 years for me. therapy, group therapy, and this sub have been critical to my recovery. writing has been really important... and then sharing the writing... that was some scary and powerful shit for me. i didn't fully start sharing my writing until this year. i am about to self publish a poetry collection that centers on my rape. to me it will be sort of a final stage of healing (if there is such thing as a final stage).

if you aren't in therapy i recommend getting a copy of the rape recovery handbook and working (slowly with self compassion) through the exercises in there: https://www.amazon.com/Rape-Recovery-Handbook-Step-Step/dp/1572243376

and finding more survivors to talk to.

confront your deepest feelings of shame and fear.

take all your fears and put them into the light for you to really see, and see they aren't as scary anymore.

build up a support network whether if be online at first but then in your real life.

i wrote this about my rape: thoughtcatalog.com/velouria-black/2017/10/i-will-no-longer-let-you-invalidate-my-rape/

that was me breaking my own silence this year, probably with help from the gusto of the metoo campaign.

you will get your voice back and you will love yourself more deeply than ever before. it is hard work. it is painful. but you are going to get there. and if you need a friend along the way you have one in me sister <3

This book The Courage to Heal is extremely comforting and great at making sense of your emotions from being molested or abused. In my experience people who have been molested tend to walk into situations where they're reabused - like the ass with the photographs. Knowing that kinda thing I think helps you to not beat yourself up about the after effects and just have empathy for yourself for having gone through shit early on.

Some doctors go nuts with the diagnosing. Especially bipolar - some doctors throw everything into that. And if you're on more than a couple pills I'd definitely get a second opinion. I've seen people get way more messed up from too many/the wrong drugs than from what they were originally facing.

Are you seeing a therapist as well as a psychiatrist? Because it sounds like you have allot to let out.

Do you know why you hurt yourself? Is it self hatred? Does it give you a way to control your feelings? Do you think they are building up to a suicide attempt?

You sound bright and like you've got some fight in you - I hope you can channel that into getting better and being the full person you've got in there.

Similar situation here, where I thought it was my fault and couldn't get away from the rapist colleague.

This book helped me call it like it was: https://www.amazon.com/Rape-Distortion-Blaming-Fueling-Acquaintance/dp/161374479X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1522814884&sr=1-1&keywords=%22rape+is+rape%22

It reviews the definitions of rape and talks a lot about denial and victim blaming. Denial and victim blaming help us maintain the illusion that we live in a safe world in which people who behave well don't get raped. Nit picking victim behaviors and dress is a desperate grab for illusory shreds of safety and control.

This book helped me heal:
https://www.amazon.com/Resurrection-After-Rape-transforming-survivor/dp/0615209661/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1522813967&sr=8-1&keywords=resurrection+after+rape

There is actually a whole area of study around spiritual abuse (a good start), which is of course a subset of abuse. It sounds like his MIL likely attends a spiritually abusive church - or was already steeped in abusive beliefs and found a church that fit her existing abusive view.