(Part 2) Reddit mentions: The best marriage books

(continued from main post)

continue to use drugs and continue in my current way of life, or take the blessing He was graciously offering me and give up drugs and marry her – that was His plan for me. I decided it was time to quit, and knew God would help me. I only had 1 joint left (coincidence?), so I smoked it and went to bed high. I woke up the next day sober and got rid of all my drug paraphernalia. I had no cravings anymore; that part of my life was over by the grace of God!

She was very clear with me from the first date that she expected to wait until marriage to have sex, which at that point was my goal as well. Christ had really set me free from many of my old habits over the previous year, and I wanted to honor Him. Her first marriage was to an abusive, alcoholic man. He was the only man she had ever been with. They split up shortly after coming to America after he almost killed her, and it was just her and her son and daughter for 8 years. Her daughter moved out before we got married, and her son was 16 when we got together. He took a liking to me right away when he found out we like the same music. A couple years later God even used me to lead him to salvation!

We were married in 2008, after dating for exactly 40 days. Now I know why it is important and why God wants us to wait until marriage to have sex!!! We have a connection unlike anything I have ever experienced before. A couple weeks after we got married, I threw all my porn in the trash.

Sex between us has always been great. She was pretty shy and reserved when we got married, but I coaxed her out of her shell little by little. She now has no trouble doing all the things I like, and is very enthusiastic sexually. I made it clear before we got married that I would want a lot of sex, and if that was a problem for her she should move on. She said "If you marry me, it will never be a problem." And it never has been. I get as much sex as I want. I have absolutely no desire to cheat anymore since I got married, and have not slept with anyone but my current wife since 2007.

However, shortly after we got married she started giving me a difficult time over the boy I have guardianship for. She knew the situation when we got married and agreed to it, but gave me grief about it later. She tried to tell me that his birth mom needed to step up and raise him instead of us. She got angry because birth mom was not paying her court-ordered child support (this has since changed). She even accused me of sleeping with my stepdaughter, going so far as to pressure me to get a DNA test, which I did just to shut her up. I am NOT the father, but I have chosen to be his Dad and am perfectly happy doing so.

Also, a few months after we were married, my son's soccer coach asked me if I would be interested in doing a devotional for his team before practices. I said yes, and began giving a spiritual message to the kids before each practice. Then I saw a program on Christian tv called The Way of the Master. I was blown away by the strong, direct message and the technique they use to share the gospel! I began watching every week, and soon began to order cd's, dvd's and gospel tracts from them. Since then I have learned to share my faith Biblically using the Law of God. It is powerful, and I am no longer afraid to share my faith with anyone! Soon after that, another soccer coach who attended my church asked if I would include his team in the practice devotional, and I said yes. Through him I was soon offered an opportunity to teach a Bible study at my church to a 65 and older class. I taught that class from 2009-2014.

I developed a great friendship with her older son as he became a man. He had been lifting weights since he was 15, and is ripped. He got married a few years ago, and moved across the country with his wife. His example and encouragement to eat better and be healthier motivated me, and I finally got around to getting braces in 2012. This caused me to give up soda, and I started losing weight. I started intermittent fasting January of 2013, and dropped from 252 to 179 lbs. In 2015 I started working out on an old Bowflex I had bought after we first got married, and gained some muscle and tone.

Then in August of 2015, my elderly parents moved in with us because they needed help with daily care. We had talked about it over the previous year, and we both agreed it was ok and we would take care of them. I made sure to double check, because I didn't want any misunderstandings later. My wife was nice and welcoming when they got here, but she quickly became more argumentative with them and me. It came to a head the second weekend after they arrived when she started on all of us, yelling and arguing and being totally irrational. We actually had to leave the house for a couple hours to keep it from escalating any further. I didn’t speak to her for a few days, and it was during this time that I Googled “How to get my wife to respect me. This led me to the Married Red Pill subreddit, where I created a Reddit login and submitted my first post. Needless to say, I was blown away by the advice I received. I had been reading the sidebar steadily, but the feedback in the comments I received specific to my situation was exactly what I needed at the time.

Since that post, I have slowly changed and molded myself into a strong RPChristian man. I took it slow, at my own pace, and am glad I didn’t try to change everything at once – small, steady changes with the frame to back it up. Frame took the longest for me, and the key to changing things was realizing that it was my emotional reaction to the things my wife said that was causing me the most problems. It took a long time to practice and internalize that my getting upset when my wife challenged me or said something I didn’t agree with stemmed from my subconscious view that SHE was the one in charge. Once I realized that it really was all up to me, and that I could make the decision and deal with the emotional frustration of her disagreeing, things really started changing for the better. This comment was a game changer for me in that respect. Because I was the classic Nice Guy ^^^TM, this part of my transformation took longer than anything else I did.

Now I take charge, showing leadership and making decisions. No more “I dunno, what do you want to do?” I decide. She can persuade me to change my mind if she wants. I have established clear boundaries, and although it took a while, she has come around and I get a lot more respect than I did in the past. I fix stuff around the house, maintain the cars, take responsibility for the bills and all things financial, have successfully completed a number of home-improvement projects around the house. I joined a gym in 2016, and have transformed my body. I had the advantage of working labor jobs for many years, so the muscle base was there, I just needed to shed the fat. My wife and son have since joined the gym as well, and we all go regularly.

These days, we go out into the community and hand out gospel tracts together and witness to people on the street, and both our sons can articulate and share their faith quite will. I minister online to others through Global Media Outreach, and answer questions online. I reach out on Facebook too. My wife reaches out to a very large Eastern European community here in our city. They are largely cultural Muslims, and my wife has an amazing gift of inviting others to our place to share the Gospel, as well as getting invited to others’ houses to share the gospel. The fact that she also speaks 5 different languages is a huge help in that endeavor, and I have had the opportunity to share the Gospel with many of them when they come over to our house on more than a few occasions.

I thank God for saving a wretched sinner like me, and am so thankful that He has chosen to use me for His glory! My life has become a witness to others, showing that even the worst and weakest can be changed by the power of Jesus Christ. In December of this year it will be 20 years since I gave my life to Christ. I could never have imagined 20 years ago that my life would be anything like it is today. My mess has become my message, and I have no problem sharing my past struggles and the change that has followed for the benefit of others. I have a long way to go yet, but God is faithful and I will get there by His grace!

In closing, here is the list of books that I have found to be the most helpful to me on my journey:

• The Bible
  
  
• No More Mr. Nice Guy (NMMNG)
  
  
• When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (WISNIFG)
  
  
• The Way of the Superior Man
  
  
• Married Man’s Sex Life Primer 2011 (MMSLP)
  
  
• Saving a Low Sex Marriage (SALSM) by u/bluepillprofessor
  
  
• The Book of Pook
  
  
• The Rational Male
  
  As well as almost all the posts on RPChristians, Married Red Pill and AskMRP.
  
  Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I pray you will be blessed and encouraged by it!
  
  And thanks to u/OsmiumZulu, whose post inspired this one.
  

Seems to me that Jesus taught divorce isn't inherently sinful. At the least there seems to be allowances for marital unfaithfulness, like you're dealing with. But I think there's a reason to strive for more.

It all goes back to Jesus and the example he set. He came, lived, suffered, and died for our sin. Why? Because he loves us and, more importantly, he loves God. In the garden before he was arrested he prayed: "Father, if You are willing, take this cup away from Me—nevertheless, not My will, but Yours, be done." It was God's will that Jesus die for our sins. That was the ultimate motivation that Jesus required. It wasn't fair to him. It wasn't easy. It wasn't "right." But it was God's will.

See [Philippians 2:1-11], where Paul says, "If you understand Christ's love, if you have the Spirit of God in your heart, then think like Jesus did." What's the "one goal" that Jesus pursued and that Paul urges us to have? The glory of God. Not my will but His be done.

What does that love look like? It looks like laying down your authority and "rights" in order to serve. It looks like suffering unjustly. It looks like finding patience and endurance instead of taking a shortcut. It looks like the Beatitudes in [Matthew 5:3-12].

Why does it seem like God wants us to suffer and mourn sometimes? That's a tough question, but it's not entirely important. I think that, when I seek God with all my heart, I find him there in the middle of everything. He is what we want and need. He is the reason and the goal. Christ did God's will because that is where he found life and fulfillment and purpose. He was made for it. We are made for it. The difficult times are a challenge, but also an opportunity for the greatest fulfillment. Because in those times we really and truly see that we have nothing else. This is always true, but sometimes it takes difficulty and hardship to really see it.

I don't know that I can comment on exactly what steps you should or shouldn't take. But I think fulfilling your vow to your wife (and children) is a noble and Godly cause. Will she ever take you back? Will your family be restored? Will you find happiness? Who knows. But if she does, if it is, or if you do, that will merely be a blessing from God. The true peace and fulfillment you seek can only be found in God himself. And it motivates you to honor him and love him in everything that you do.

I made a covenant with my wife before God that I would love her to the end. I didn't say I would love her as long as I find our marriage satisfying. I didn't say I would love her as long as she loves me back. I didn't say I would love her until we both agree it's time to move on. Why? Because I felt that this was the sort of love Jesus has shown to us. He didn't get an invitation from us, he was sent. He didn't love us until he got tired of our pettiness and foolishness and sinfulness. He loved us to the end. He didn't love us because he found it satisfying and fulfilling. He loved us because doing the will of his Father was satisfying and fulfilling.

Anyways, I'm just rambling at this point. Hopefully something in there was coherent and on point.

Two things come to mind as I write this... this article (which has done a lot to shape my view of humility) and this book (which helped me to form together my concept of the purpose of marriage). Both are fantastic.

What say you?

> She knows my favourite food and stuff like that, but not fundamental (and arguably more important things) aspects such as my values and what I want for the future.

So tell her. She'll file it away. She may or may not tell you the same things about herself. She'll be especially interested if you emphasize the plan part of what you want for the future, and the why parts of your values. (Not why you have the values, but the way the values are the why of your plans and decisions.)

> it doesn't seem like she shares my feelings

Probably right. She probably finds it not very important to tell other people, even her legit best friend, about her feelings. Not because she's keeping it to herself, mind you, but because she hardly thinks about her feelings at all. She probably thinks about her feelings as much as you think about the janitorial staff's work schedule at school. She thinks about her thoughts a lot. But she hardly thinks about her feelings at all. And that's why she doesn't talk about them. They're not a big part of her life.

> More often Than not, she is very cold and insensitive even if I'm experiencing a serious situation that upsets me.

This is a real bummer. I didn't learn how to handle this right until I was 32. (Yes, really.) If you think she'd be open to learning an incredibly important relationship skill from a book, here's the one. The High-Conflict Couple. The title seems totally irrelevant, I know. That'll probably be hard for her to get past. But if you tell her that an older, wiser internet stranger recommended this book on the grounds that it's an unbelievably important relationship skill, that's readily learnable from a book, and this book is written in a very INTJ-accessible style... maybe she'll go for it. And if she does, then you, OP, will find that she becomes far, far less cold and insensitive to your suffering.

> she just doesn't care to 'act' in a more emotive and sensitive manner?

This is tricky. Part of it is, she probably wants to be genuine and honest with you. And she genuinely and honestly thinks the best way to deal with you and your problems is to stay level-headed, positive, and solution-oriented.

Another part is probably that she just lacks the basic relationship skill 'validating feelings'. I lacked it until I read the book I mentioned above, The High-Conflict Couple. I knew the phrase, just had no idea how to do it. The book taught me how. It could teach your friend how.

> She has also admitted that she often sees people and relationships as tools? This is worded really badly

I'd bet you $10 that what she meant was she views people and relationships as systems. She thinks about how they work. She's content when they seem to her to be working well, and she's discontent when they seem to be busted. This probably bothers you because it feels artificial or inauthentic to you. And that's natural, because if you started to approach your relationships as systems, it would be artificial and inauthentic when you did it. The thing to know is, it's just not for an INTJ. That's how we conceive of every single thing. Our bodies. Politics. Making a living. Whether to buy a pet. It's the natural, authentic way we think about every single thing- as systems made up of components interacting according to something like laws of nature. Relationships are no exception. We think of them as systems. It's deeply different, but it's not fake, it's not manipulative, and it doesn't mean we don't care about you.

> I really do think that bringing this up will cause tension/fricion/awkwardness in our relationship.

There are quite a few different ways you could bring them up, and some of them would indeed harm your relationship.

• One way would be to tell her you disapprove of the way she exists in the world, that you're not ok with her being a T (as opposed to an F) and you don't accept her thinking about your relationship with each other as a system. I probably don't need to tell you that this would harm, maybe end, your relationship.
  
  
• You could tell her that you're really interested in her feelings, how your feelings are a super important part of your life, and you want to know about hers. You've got to accept that there won't be as much there as you expect, and you've got to make real, real sure to be accepting and nonjudgmental about whatever feelings are there. But I bet you can draw some out if you try, and you can connect in this area.
  
  
• I don't know how to broach the topic of her insensitivity to your pain. I guess it depends on how you two normally talk. But like I said, if you can get her to read the book, you'll be doing her and yourself both a huge favor (more huge for her, since she'll reap the benefit of it for her whole life).
  
  Didn't mean to write you a whole essay, but I hope it helps. :)

Evolution in nbd in the Catholic church so that's not an issue. The other two issues I'll try to address as best I can, but feel free to respond with more questions/clarifications if need be.

Confession - not sure what specifically you don't like about it so here we go

• this has a fairly in-depth answer about why we go to confession, but it's primarily meant to be a response to Protestants' inquiries regarding confession (not sure if that's where you are coming from)
  
  
• this is a better explanation if you're not coming to the table with a Protestant background or desires
  
  
• Over-all I would say the reason I go to confession is because I want to be back in union with God. Through sin I separate myself from Him and through Confession I am able to gain back this union. As human beings we want to have a tangible experience of forgiveness and going to confession provides us with this opportunity. We are able to bring everything in our heart to the table and leave it there. There are also the benefits of having someone (the priest) give you feedback on what to do so you don't commit certain sins again.
  
  So that's what I got on Confession.
  
  Ok so no premarital sex is complicated to explain, but very beautiful (in my opinion) once it is fully understood - but it's definitely not a sin you could ignore and be truly Catholic
  
  
• Your best bet if you want to understand what the Church teaches on premarital sex is to check out JPII's [Theology of the Body] (http://www.ewtn.com/library/PAPALDOC/JP2TBIND.HTM). It's a fairly dense text so I would recommend this as a starter text to get some background on things. There is also this book with is essentially the same information in a Q&A format.
  
  
• If that's a little too over-whelming this website has some decent Q&A about the topic - my one warning with that is that it's meant for teenagers for the most part and sometimes they over-simplify things or focus more on the negatives of having sex before marriage rather than the positives of waiting until marriage which I think is an unproductive approach, but what can you do...
  
  Hope some of that was helpful! If you are interested in the Catholic faith you can always try contacting your local parish and setting up a meeting with a priest who could talk you through any questions you might have. Best of luck!

Hey there,

You're doing the right thing. My fiance also cried when I told her the same thing. She didn't storm out, but everyone is different.

Just trust in God and know that he is there with you and with her. Be patient with her, she's processing a lot. If you don't already pray a lot, now would be a great time to start. Try doing a daily Rosary for her and ask Mary to pray for you guys.

If it's meant to be, it will be. Be strong and stick to your guns. You're making this decision for benefit of both of you. It will be hard, but whatever happens, bending to God's will will be beneficial. If you guys are indeed going to be together, you want God's blessing and that's what you're now fighting for.

Be there to comfort her, be there to answer her questions. It would probably be a good idea to visit a local priest and have his input and if she's willing to have her meet with him so he can explain the church's perspective.

You could get this book: http://www.amazon.com/Good-About-Marriage-Revised-Edition/dp/0867166193

Which is a good summary of Theology of the Body and discusses what chastity is.

Most important things: pray and go out of your way to make her feel loved! Go one more dates, do more nice things, help her realize that this doesn't mean you love her less, it actually means you love her more.

Here is what you do. You throw out every single drink that you have in your house into one trash bag while she is out of the house. You put that in front of the house, or try to find a way for her to see it is done. You then clean up the house from top to bottom, make it sparkle. Go and buy a card that says you’re sorry (have it have LIGHT humor). When she comes home, you want to surprise her with a nice candlelight dinner (if you can’t cook, buy premade stuff and use your homeware for it. Don’t lie and say you made it tho). During dinner, have a serious talk about what happened. Say something like how you know you’ve said it, but you want to say it again that you are so sorry. That you would never in your right mind do that, and the thought of how it happened has tormented you ever since. Because of that, you vow off ever drinking again because you would rather loose that than loose the any love and trust from her. Have massage oils ready and offer her a foot massage followed by a whole body massage. Get the tub ready and allow her to have a nice hot bubble bath with some relaxing instrumental music. The next morning, make breakfast and use a handwritten note on it that says I love you. Also, I don’t know what your religious stance is, but if you are a Christian there is a great book out there called “The Love Dare”. Buy it and do it. Let her know you will be doing it. Once you do that though, DO NOT STOP until the very end. Praying for you!

Okay. Welcome.

It looks, to me, like you have become aware that the Disney princess ideal marragie - the happily ever after with no work - is a lie.

Good.

It also looks like you have discovered the right place.

Good.

And that you have not read it all, nor do you understand all the principles, but you are READING and LIFTING.

Good.

Keep reading, keep lifting.

Right now, learn the basics. Simple stuff like acta, non verbal. Three examples:

1) ACTA, NON VERBA

"I told my wife that I am not suffering through her bullshit for another 5 years expecting everything to be OK ... I detached successfully and told her I wanted out of the marriage ... I only speak to her about my children and nothing else."

---> Right now she sees you as a low-value man. Expect every ultimatum to be responded to with her genuinely believing it is a get out of jail card.

Now realize that she is your sparring partner, not your soulmate. Why TELL her you plan to leave? Dude, she can plan to build a narrative against you. She can now see a lawyer first. She can drive the bus.

I would STFU about all relationship stuff with her, good and especially bad. Hopefully she assumes your idle threat was an idle threat. Then GET BUSY. Work on yourself. Get yourself back in good physical shape. Work on your diet. Become the kind of person people want to be around. Enjoy the kids. If and when you decide to punch out, DO IT. Don't threaten or do some passive-agressive "I'm not talking to you" game. Which leads me to #2.

2) MRP MEN ARE FUN

"I detached successfully and told her I wanted out of the marriage ... I only speak to her about my children and nothing else."

Dude, MRP men are fun. We have awesome lives. We get stuff done. People want to be around us. We project strong, positive energy, so much that distance is a form of punishment.

Not at first. Most have an anger stage. That's what STFU is for. Change the subject, don't be butthurt, talk about something else.

My point: Don't distance your wife and punish you. You are not valuable enough yet (in her eyes, or, given your alcoholism, probably in yours) for that to be a punishment. Instead, be fun and positive. If you do divorce in 12 months, she'll feel like she is losing something. That won't happen if you are strategically tactically no fun guy.

I'm not saying pursue her. I'm saying when you're in the room, you're fun. If you have to fake it, fake it.

I REALLY struggle with this right now. I grok it intellectually, and yet being in the same room with ConstantlyAngryPerson (TM) (C) (R) it's hard to stay positive and fun.

3) Stay Married for a bit while you figure stuff out

Don't rush to file papers. Work on yourself. Get out of her frame. Work on yourself. Build your own life.

Next Steps for you

The next step is probably to understand these things above as problems and mistakes, intellectually. Over time, the time it dawns on you that you did a BluePillMisDeed will shrink. Eventually, you'll recognize it while you are making the decision, in time to make the RedPill Decision. Hopefully, the RedPill option will become habit.

I hope that helps.

Welcome, man. AskMRP is the right place for now, I think. Continue to post here and if you want to be challenged the next step up (which is really just make plans and keep them) consider the OYS thread on /r/marriedredpill

Oh, also, consider Married Men's Sex Life Primer by BluePillProf.

https://www.amazon.com/Saving-Low-Sex-Marriage-Seduction-ebook/dp/B01BGZO1WK/

$5.00 on kindle.

First, I started with this book, and recommend it to everyone who is planning a wedding. It kept me so organized, and I bought the hardcover binder so I could take out pages I didn't need and add hole punched pages from Excel or Word, magazines, whatever. I kept all my contracts in there and correspondence.

I had a caterer that included tables, chairs, tablecloths, napkin, cutlery, and glasses, along with the food. That helped a ton. They also had a bar that I paid for because I couldn't have a wedding without an open bar on principal.

I got a DJ, officiant, photographer, cake maker, and day of coordinator. That's all you need if your caterer can do all that other stuff. If you ask, those companies have lists of other vendors they recommend so you don't have to go into this extensive online search. You just look through their lists and see who clicks for you.

For flowers, I looked up a wholesale flower warehouse locally, and ordered a shitload of flowers. It was so cheap. I got them the morning of. My centerpieces were vases and jars and I just had someone assigned to stick that shit in there the day of. It was very minimalist and very pretty. Just find a picture online of a centerpiece you like and stick to it, don't try to go crazy. I made my bouquets and boutonniere's out of paper flowers, which I do not recommend unless you like folding paper for hours on end every night for months. It was pretty, but 0/10 would recommend.

I recommend going to Home Depot and going to the paint section, and pulling coordinating swatches for color inspirations. This helped me greatly when picking flowers and decorations and bridesmaids dresses.

When you ask people for help, get everyone's contact info and ask what day works for everyone, and say, "This is the day we're meeting. See you then." Provide drinks. They will help you do anything for drinks. Same goes for coordinating when you're picking out bridesmaids dresses and whatnot. Just plan it yourself, don't let other people try to figure it out.

I signed up for Wedding Paper Diva's mailing list, and googled coupon codes, and saved a ton of money. I know it's expensive, but I bought save-the-dates, invitations, RSVPs, and thank you cards all at the same time. It was just easier not to worry about it.

Other miscellany you need will be included in that wedding binder link, such as rings, cake utensils, what gifts to give who, etc. The only thing I forgot the day of was pins to put the boutonnieres on the men lol. Somebody found some, so it worked out.

I know this is a lot, but I hope it helps you. Also, check out r/weddingplanning. They're awesome over there.

It is absolutely my pleasure and prayer! You ask awesome questions. And I have some resources for you this time. Let’s start with studying what a “good Catholic marriage” looks like:

On TOB - Theology of the Body – One of the most famous teachings of the church. At a fundamental level, we are called to respect our bodies and others’ bodies and live in God’s divine image.
http://www.foryourmarriage.org/the-theology-of-the-body-according-to-pope-john-paul-ii/

On LOVE – we are called to love like God loves / love in God’s divine image (to the best of our abilities), NOT love how we think we should love.
http://www.usccb.org/beliefs-and-teachings/what-we-believe/love-and-sexuality/index.cfm
https://www.dominicanajournal.org/the-four-loves/
http://www.catholiclane.com/fruitful-love-symbolizes-gods-inner-life-says-pope-francis-amoris-laetitia/
https://mycatholic.life/the-my-catholic-life-series/my-catholic-morals/chapter-6-chastity-purity-affection-and-marital-love/
This book was recommended to me the day I asked some similar questions as you: https://www.amazon.com/Good-News-About-Marriage-Revised/dp/0867166193 and it answered more questions than I had.

On VOCATION – we are called to give ourselves to God (in one way or another)
https://www.osv.com/thechurch/humandignityandsexuality/article/tabid/658/artmid/13696/articleid/4394/theology-of-the-body-making-a-gift-of-self.aspx
http://www.usccb.org/beliefs-and-teachings/vocations/priesthood/ten-frequently-asked-questions-about-the-reservation-of-priestly-ordination-to-men.cfm

In terms of what holy matrimony isn’t, I encourage you to find the nearest priest and grill him in more detail on this! It’s best to have a conversation and they will do much better explaining than me. I grill them all the time. To your question, it would be really awesome that they are raising a child that would not otherwise be brought up in a loving and safe home. The issue is, again, what’s going on in the bedroom. The guidance is the exact same for my relationship and I run into the exact same temptation and sins in my marriage. I go to confession regularly when I’m not getting things quite right, but why don’t I get judged for the exact same sins? On the outside, my marriage looks great and normal. Right? Again, not acceptable by our standards. This goes back to the good ol Catholic teaching: you should not be judging anyone!!! Matthew 7:1-5. We are all sinners. We all have equal dignity.

On INFERTILITY – I believe there is no purposeful act of withholding oneself. "The male and female bodies are made to be able to procreate together. When infertility is apparent, the challenge is to diagnose and address problems so these bodies can function as they should—and there is no moral problem in doing this, any more than there is in other medical treatments to restore health." (Life Giving Love in an Age of Technology)
http://www.usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/natural-family-planning/resources/infertility.cfm
http://www.usccb.org/issues-and-action/human-life-and-dignity/reproductive-technology/begotten-not-made-a-catholic-view-of-reproductive-technology.cfm
Give those a read!

I am heavily repressed. Yes, I admit it. However, I'd rather experience this and get a hold on my perspective and attitude towards women than let my hormones get the better of me.

If I go ahead and "fap" I'm overcome with intense guilt. I always have been. Even before I decided to stop fapping for my beliefs, ever since I was a kid, I've been plagued by that guilt. I hate that guilt. I hate that feeling that comes with fapping. It makes me feel disgusting and worthless. Being part of r/nofap has been an excellent choice in my opinion. I feel so much more driven to go out and be active day-to-day. I feel more confident and ballsy around women. I'm more social and interactive. I do not regret joining r/nofap at all. It's been a blessing that I don't have to overcome ED and many of the other largely ignored detriments that are associated with regular masturbation.

Ultimately my decision to quit fapping has been due to my conviction through Christ. I didn't decide to stop fapping just to see what it was like. I feel better about myself as a whole. I know this is the right decision. I am pursuing purity for myself and for my future wife (and boy is SHE gonna get the ride of her life come our wedding night, let me tell you what!)

Today I went to the weight room. It's been a while since I got the opportunity to go to the gym and really throw around some heavy stuff. It definitely redirected my sexual energy to physical exertion. It felt really good. I also started reading the book Every Man's Battle. I'm hoping it will further strengthen my desire to redefine the way I view women, and help my friends and brothers do the same.

Good luck to you, dude... I hope someday you will get to experience the benefits of what I have been doing these past several months. God bless!

> Even when I got married I felt guilty about having sex, or even thinking about sex.

It's probably not relevant to you now, but if anyone else feels this way, I heartily recommend the Christian manual The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love*. Along with practical sex education and advice, it encourages healthy attitudes**, communication, and enjoying the gift of marital sex. We received a copy as a gift just after we got married, and it's been a blessing.

*yes, it's written by the Left Behind guy (and his wife), and no, it's nothing like that series

**okay, there are some very conservative points that even I raised my eyebrows at, but the overall message is very healthy

first, sympathies for you and your family in a terribly tough time.

second, i did browse through the comments, so hopefully this isnt too repetitive, but apologies if ive missed something and it is.

ok, on to the meat of what i want to say: i generally tend toward the perspective that, when in doubt (and obviously barring extreme cases, such as abuse, etc.), work toward maintaining family integrity. that said, when i took a marital communication course in undergrad, we read some articles that suggested that even in the absence of abuse, separation may, in fact, be a healthier choice for kids than parents staying together solely for the kids.

mark cummings at the u of notre dame studies this (his results have been cited in a relevant book that may be worth checking out ('fighting for your marriage' -- cant recommend this book enough (even for non-married folks, like roomies or folks having difficult interactions with co-workers)). its a collection of empirically-based (i recently bought the newest edition and can vouch for the substantial updating thats been done in comparison to the copy i bought back in college in the early 2000s :)) communication and conflict resolution techniques/ways of thinking about communication and relationships that might help you understand yourself and those around you better, and its pretty user-friendly (its almost too user-friendly, in that the writing style is supposed to be very accessible, and its accessible to the point of making you want to roll your eyes sometimes (but don't let that deter you)). its organized into sections about conflict resolution, how to enjoy each other, how to manage expectations, etc., so you can skip around and root out whats applicable to you, or just read it through in one shot. I've done both at various times :)).

it seems that data suggest that, depending on the context, it might be better for parents to dissolve their union than for the kids to live a live imbued with destructive conflict. (i mention destructive conflict particularly, because there is such a thing as constructive conflict, and i remember reading literature about how important it is for kids to witness their parents not only engaging in constructive conflict, but also making up. like, a pattern in a lot of households is that parents explode at each other and storm off to fight behind closed to doors to spare the kids, but then the kids don't get to witness the making up. its super-key to expose kids to that!) cummings wrote a book on the subject that looks interesting, but i haven't checked it out, so i can't vouch for it. its called 'marital conflict and children: an emotional security perspective.'

studies aside, at the end of the day, i would consider the idea that you and your wife each see an individual therapist, and after seeing your own therapists for a little bit, then also get a couples therapist to help you navigate the process of fleshing out your future in a positive way (whether its as a couple, or co-parents). these are complex issues that are rooted in both of your pasts, and it may help to unpack some of them with some professional guidance. most importantly, though, it seems that you may benefit from learning about how to communicate, which is absolutely something a good therapist can help you do. (i would check out a therapist with a cognitive-behavioral orientation, and tell them up-front that part of what you want is help/practice with communicating (communicating about difficult topics, in particular).)

once the path is clearer (or even right now, if you are seeing any signs that your kids are having trouble with this (cause kids are more observant/sensitive than we give them credit for)), you might want to also seek out a family therapist or group to help ensure that your kids are getting the support they need (since kids often dont/cant verbalize how they feel about these kids of things out of a lack of vocabulary, or fear of damaging the parental relationship further, etc.).

best!

tl;dr - sometimes staying together for the kids is not the best scenario for them. seek out therapists (for each spouse individually, also for the couple, possibly for the kids) for support + to learn how to resolve conflict and improve communication (regardless of whether you stay in the marriage or not. these skills will be vital to having a positive relationship with your kids).

Children and marital conflict: The impact of family dispute and resolution. Guilford series on social and emotional development. Cummings, E. Mark;Davies, Patrick. New York, NY, US: Guilford Press. (1994). xviii 195 pp.

Marital conflict and child adjustment: An emotional security hypothesis. Davies, Patrick T.; Cummings, E. Mark. Psychological Bulletin, Vol 116(3), Nov 1994, 387-411.

version i loved in college: http://www.amazon.com/FIGHTING-YOUR-MARRIAGE-PREVENTING-PRESERVING/dp/0787957445

most recent edition: http://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Your-Marriage-Best-seller-Preventing/dp/0470485914/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

I highly recommend The Love Dare The Love Dare https://www.amazon.com/dp/1433679590/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_tu2zCbCNZJJ52

It teaches the true meaning of love. While some may argue that empathy isn’t exactly love I believe that in order to have great empathy you must love and respect yourself. Only in this way can you project yourself in others.

>Manhood: How to Be a Better Man-or Just Live with One
From NFL player turned film and TV star Terry Crews comes a wise and warmhearted memoir chronicling his lifelong quest to become a good man, loving husband, and responsible father.

What does it mean to be a man? Terry Crews, TV’s iconic “Old Spice Guy” and co-star of the hit Golden Globe Award–winning series Brooklyn Nine-Nine, has spent decades seeking the answer to that question. In Manhood, he shares what he’s learned, telling the amazing story of his rise to fame and offering straight-talking advice for men and the women who love them.

Willing to read a book or two? In the season of waiting, don't waste it. You can sharpen your character and faith to such a degree that when you do get married, your wife will be tremendously blessed by who you've allowed God to make you.

What He Must be to Marry My Daughter - Voddie Baucham - Excellent book that helps a man understand how a man of God wants his daughter treated.

The Exemplary Husband - Stuart Scott - This book will hammer into you the character traits we need to be husbands which God has called us to be.

Steps to Freedom in Christ - Neil Anderson - This is free and something you can do right now. Marriage can reveal hidden character issues that need work. Why not get radically right with God now rather than later when the stakes seem higher?

My friend, that may be exactly why God hasn't led you to someone.

You know why I know this? Your description of why you want a relationship is nearly exactly what my husband's was. First, my husband's porn addiction nearly tore us apart. Then, as he was working through recovery, his passiveness in our marriage nearly broke us again. When we finally broke down the reasons why we got married his was as simple was, "I wanted a friend to share life with and someone to love that would always love me." Which sounds nice and Christian, right?

A relationship isn't about companionship or even the warm fuzzy feelings. Honestly, those are the bonuses. A Christian relationship is about sanctification and learning more about God. And it's really hard. This is a book I've waiting on to ship to me to read that maybe you should check out: http://smile.amazon.com/Sacred-Marriage-What-Designed-Happy/dp/0310242827/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1427478261&sr=8-2&keywords=marriage+is+for+holiness

I don't trust people who make exaggerated claims like "I will never put her through that again" and "I hate myself everyday for doing it" and "I will never do it again." I would ask you to reflect on how you can improve yourself.

If you want to regain trust then you must build emotional intimacy and put real effort into learning more about infidelity and communication. Take action by planning dates, but more importantly play games that build intimacy such as the Ungame and Face to Face.

If you are committed to working through this as you claim then you should be expected to read books that will improve your relationship skills.

• Fidelity: How to Create a Loving Relationship That Lasts
• The Art of Communicating
• I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships
• The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

I'm working from memory here, and it's been a while since I've read some of these, so please bear with me.

• The Exemplary Husband by Stuart Scott
  
• Family Driven Faith by Voddie Baucham - more about raising kids than being a spouse, but still very good.
  
• Family Shepherds by Voddie Baucham - I don't think I've read this one but I generally love everything by Baucham.
  
• My Life For Yours by Doug Wilson. I find Wilson takes a little getting used to. He's perhaps a bit too pithy, and needs sometimes to elaborate his points.
  
• Reforming Marriage by Doug Wilson.
  
• Federal Husband by Doug Wilson.
  
• Family Man, Family Leader by Phil Lancaster
  
• Bound for Glory by RC Sproul, Jr.
  
• Eternity in Our Hearts by RC Sproul, Jr. - perhaps not entirely on topic, but still helpful.
  
  I also recommend The Basement Tapes by RC Sproul Jr and others. They are wide-ranging and helped me establish a vision for my own family. They're on like 140-something and I only got through the first 40 (for various uninteresting reasons). Highlands Ministries also does Salt Talks which I haven't listened to, but assume they are similar.
  

I'm not sure that there's not "any". There are plenty of books on how to be a good husband, there are bible studies dedicated to men being good husbands, there are retreats dedicated to men being good husbands, et c. There may be less resources, which may be related to women, on average, being more religious than men, and that research has suggested that women are more likely to seek help for psychological and/or emotional problems (though one could potentially question if that is a chicken or an egg type problem, with more resources being available).

I think the cultural idea of a good wife is more sexy (puts out!), than a good husband (does laundry!), so it could be related to that as well.

Have you considered going to couples therapy?

I think that the next time she tells you something like she feels like she's putting in 100% of the work you could just tell her that you want to be a better partner for her, maybe you could do therapy together to be sure that you properly address her concerns.

You can go with "Obviously I'm just not understanding, but I would like to and I think this would help us communicate about what you want from our relationship."

(You have your own problems but suggesting going to therapy isn't a good time to bring up your problems lol.)

You could also consider reading the 5 Love Langauges, maybe somehow you're just not expressing to her in a way she resonates with: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2OGN6I57BGLOY&keywords=5+love+languages+by+gary+chapman&qid=1557866049&s=books&sprefix=5+love+%2Cstripbooks%2C161&sr=1-1

There's also a free quiz you can both take: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ (IMO you can learn just as much to imrpove your relationship from both taking the quiz, both reading about the different styles of love languages conceptually, and both committing to knowing each other's primary languages AND your own.)

I haven't read this book, but a mentor of mine says it saved her marriage: https://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Your-Marriage-Best-seller-Preventing/dp/0470485914

If you want to master these urges, it will take effort and self-discipline. The secular world will not be of much help in this area, unless you become a full-blown addict (you may already be addicted to masturbation and porn) and go into therapy.

I would recommend this book to you. It has a religious bent, but the overall message is great. If you are religious, great, the book will help. If you are not religious, it may help anyway.

http://www.amazon.com/Every-Mans-Battle-Winning-Temptation/dp/1578563682

A good book if you're looking for a biblical survey:

https://www.amazon.com/Exemplary-Husband-Biblical-Perspective/dp/1885904312/

You'll find a variety of opinions and it looks different in each marriage. A good marriage can leverage the strengths of each partner while helping each other in areas where they are weak. My personal advice for a "now" action plan would be this - pray and see if you feel any specific area where you are deficient and ask God what you should do about it. I think good leadership often begins with prayer and self-evaluation. God tends to convict and lead us if we are seeking it (which is what you are doing here).

In general, I'd say a man is responsible for setting the spiritual priorities of the home, providing financially, protecting physically and spiritually. But again, each marriage is different - there is a lot of freedom in marriage with general roles spelled out in chapters like Ephesians 5.

If you're looking for an idea of how different marriages do it, you could also post this over at /r/ChristianMarriage to get some ideas.

Hey, way to go! You should be really proud of your efforts!!!

I quit smoking weed 3 weeks ago and stopped cigarettes 4 days ago. I was abusing other substances too - but quit that 6 years ago...or so. I have been smoking weed (hash) every day - all day - for 8 years. I have smoked cigarettes since I was 12 - and I am now 38.

I can relate to the feelings you have. I have been through periods where I thought my best friends would kill me, that my girl hated me, that my parents couldn't care less - but I have put that in the bipolar bag - and not in any other bag. I use a nicotine substitute called Snus (almost like chewing tobacco) so I am not off the nicotine yet - but I am proud that I have quit smoking.

I do believe quitting any substance can trigger a mania - or atleast make your brain race. I think it will pass like all our periods do.

What is more important here is your girlfriend. She need's to be educated. Seriously! Have you showed her the Stephen Fry movie? Please show her that - it is a good starting point. Also - I can recommend the book "An unquiet mind"

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0679763309?ie=UTF8&tag=b069-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0679763309

What about this one?

"Loving someone with Bipolar Disorder"

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1572243422?ie=UTF8&tag=b069-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1572243422

I have not read that one - I am chronically single :) ...oh wait :(

)

I've only been married for 16 months, but I can tell you some things that I consider to be absolutely essential reading:

Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, which outlines how marriage is a tool of God's to bring the couple closer to God (since we usually think that being good Christians will somehow make us better spouses).

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, which was a big eye opener for me that the way that I experience love is not the same as how my wife does. I probably would have already had some relatively serious marital problems if I hadn't read this.

And of course, the Bible, every single day.

The book Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder, while directed mainly at romantic partners, is an excellent resource for any family member or friend seeking a better understanding of how to support and understand their loved one. Your public library should have it (and if they don't, request it!).

• To show to the world the love that Christ showed us.
  
  
• If one does choose the marriage route, I believe we also have a duty to help and encourage our spouse to draw closer to Christ.
  
  I'd recommend reading Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. It's a really good read. The over reaching question throughout the whole book is "What if God intended marriage to make us holy, instead of make us happy?"

I'm not pregnant or anything, but want to have kids in a few years, so my mom likes to give me "advice" all the time. But her favorite is to remind me that when you're shopping with the baby, you can fart all you want and just announce that the baby did it and/or they must need a diaper change.

If you have prime, this is my item choice. If not, then this because I'm pretty sure it's not $12 shipping.

I'll bite. So, the last book of many relationship books I read was this one:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Secrets-Happily-Married-Men/dp/0787994146

Standard advice like the majority give: be helpful, attentive, do more dishes, be ok with her taking your labors and not giving a shit about you. Accept that the moon and mercury have to be in alignment for sex to happen. 20 years of doing it the way society says. Nothing.

I got this book in November:

http://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1408725149&sr=1-3&keywords=Athol+Kay

December was an excellent month.

Delved further into RedPill concepts.

January was even better.

I read parts of his book on Reforming Marriage. Good stuff, but pretty hard hitting. He's not a soft speaker.

He could use a little more grace and gospel motivation, but good stuff nonetheless.

1. You don't have to always be right.
   
2. If you do the small things that make her/him happy then you'll be happy.
   
3. Don't hold things in.
   
4. Put yourself in your SO's shoes and it becomes much easier to find compromise.
   Note: These all require equal participation.
   
   Edit: First, some of you have pointed some places where this stuff doesn't work. That's true. It doesn't always work, but I have had great success with these principals.
   
   Second, a couple of you asked how we figured this list out and agreed to it. We aren't that wise. We took a communication class and read a book before we got married. The book is Fighting for Your Marriage and it basically gives techniques for fighting and finding solutions. It's kind of silly in spots but it works really well and becomes less awkward as it is used more and more.

Been reading a lot on this topic and quite frankly telling someone isn't always a good option. Most of the times it only serves the one who is confessing his betrayal, because it is relieving them from the guilt. It's usually more motivated by self-interest than love or compassion, you're just passing the hurt on. There are a lot of couple therapists who suggest to keep it for yourself if it is a one time thing. You can also check out this book.

I suggest you don't tell her but really think about why you cheated on her the first place and be honest with yourself. If you did it because you feel you're missing something in the relationship then try to change that part in your relationship or come to terms with the fact that you are not entirely happy. Ask yourself if you are in love with someone else, or if your partner is the one for you. And then make a decision. Sometimes a ONS / kiss is a dealbreaker, sometimes it's not, but only a symptom. Make sure you learn from that experience and act on it. Either improve your relationship or leave.

I think that one of these two books covered the subject. They are suprisingly open Christian-oriented books. If that's not your thing though, I'd look for a book written by a couple that focuses on how to make things better in the bedroom for couples.

The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love

http://www.amazon.com/The-Act-Marriage-Beauty-Sexual/dp/0310212006

The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment

http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Sex-Sexual-Fulfillment/dp/0849944155

Since you've gotten some great responses I want to point you to a couple books.

The Act of Marriage:The Beauty of Sexual Love.

The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women

Both great resources for you and your wife.

I don't have a N-MIL, but she has some N-traits that you mentioned above - the love passive aggressive comments, the judgment of my life choices, etc. Someone on another board recommended this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Toxic--Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage/dp/0060507853/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1427841832&sr=8-1&keywords=toxic+in+laws

I checked it out from my library and it had some good practical advice for dealing with both my MIL and my husband on the topic.

YES YES you WBTHA, or YTA. DO not drag them into this life shattering reality. YOU are grieving and no doubt feel angry everytime someone says something positive, because you feel like the floor has been ripped out from underneath you. DO not tell your children about this. PLEASE find a trusted counselor to talk to about this.

​

Esther Perel has a great chapter in her book on this same situation, except it was the wife who found out after her husband died after 50 or so years of marriage. He actually had a second life.

​

Heres a link to that book if interested, but do get a therapist now to help safely walk thru the emotions.

​

https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583

I read two books about four years ago. They were by psychologists and they were very helpful to me. One was generally about being a man and the other was about being a man within the context of a relationship. Unfortunately, I don't recall the titles at the moment. Here are two, #1 and #2, that look similar to what I'm talking about that are within the context of being a man in a relationship.

> It starts with expectations - what a man should expect of himself and what a woman expects in a man. I was clueless until I read the book.

> Then it's about taking responsibility, being decisive - NOT controlling, and being manly. Manliness means having "high moral qualities, self-discipline, decisiveness and strength in your convictions".

> Of course, those qualities make complete common sense - but the thing is, Elliott has found that it's women, far more than men, who overwhelmingly agree! That's exactly the problem. Men don't know.

> Men have to be formally introduced to that common sense. And that common sense then has to be promoted and passed on older man to younger man, generation to generation. If you have any doubt, just look at the ever-increasing divorce rate and how any sense of appropriate manliness is absolutely unrepresented in today's society, media and entertainment.

I hope it can help in some way.

Not sure if this link works for you, but this is his book. It's an easy read, and very satisfying for me. Hope you get the same revelation that I did.

https://www.amazon.com/Manhood-Better-Man-Just-Live-ebook/dp/B00H6JHR5E/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1527063592&sr=1-1&keywords=manhood+terry+crews

You need to make it clear to her that it's not acceptable behavior for her to yell at you. By caving whenever she screams, what you're doing is training her that she can always get her way by screaming. By doing all the chores to avoid angering her, you're showing her that being angry leads to an easy life.

You need to set up boundaries. If she says something hurtful, tell her firmly that that's not acceptable. If she continues, then tell her you're going to give her some time to cool off, and leave for a bit (~2 hours) but do tell her when you'll come back.

Similarly, don't do the chores simply out of obligation. Let her know that, at minimum, you expect a "thank you" and a smile for doing the chores. If she doesn't even provide that basic courtesy, then you refuse to do the chores until she expresses gratitude. Doing the chores out of fear of her rages is just reinforcing her bad behavior.

The main thing to learn is to never reinforce bad behavior, and to set up appropriate boundaries. If she starts screaming, explain to her that you'll consider doing the thing she wants, but only if she asks nicely, acts mature, and takes your needs and wants into account as well.

It also seems like she needs serious help in how to communicate - I HIGHLY recommend the book The High-Conflict Couple.

Before you decide to leave the relationship, please try to get her to consider couples DBT. It's a form of therapy specifically designed for treatment resistant patients (developed with BPD in mind in fact!) and it's highly effective.

I have been in a relationship with a man diagnosed with BPD for 9 months now. He was not in therapy and wasn't on meds when I met him. My social worker sister recommended this book to us, and to try to find a DBT therapist who takes couples in the area. There haven't been any major conflicts between us and I feel being proactive and engaged with the therapy has been a huge part of that.

hey this book is filled with a ton of nutritional information, and has specific sections on breastfeeding, toddler nutrition, etc. it gets very detailed with all the things you need to keep everyone healthy. it was written by 2 dieticians. kind of a 'dense' read with lots of figures and tables

http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Vegan-Complete-Adopting-Plant-Based/dp/1570671036/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370456590&sr=8-1&keywords=becoming+vegan

i haven't looked through this one yet, but it is by one of the co-authors

http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Vegetarian-Children-Health-Harmony/dp/0658021559/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1370456676&sr=1-1&keywords=Raising+Vegetarian+Children

good luck!

NP. Episode 1 is relevant "S1 Ep. 1: I've Had Better" also if you like the podcast she has a new book called "The State of Affairs" which you might be interested in: https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583/ref=sr_1_1/130-2798782-1806409

He's great for a framework into the rest of things.

I would be remiss to not mention /u/BluepillProfessor book on dread. You get much more benefit from it, than you do by reading it in the forums. I am hunting for where ribbonfarm talks about how books rewire thought patterns in a way internet writings cannot, so you'll have to take it on faith right now that it's better when it's in a book form.

https://www.amazon.ca/Saving-Low-Sex-Marriage-Seduction-ebook/dp/B01BGZO1WK

Is your friend a Christian by any chance (just a guess from your username and the early age of marriage)? If so, you might recommend The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller. It provides a really interesting discussion of marriage from a Christian perspective and what it means for a husband AND wife to submit to each other, rather than it being a one-way thing.

As long as you plan well kids can be perfectly healthy on a vegetarian diet. The science is definitely in on this. The American Dietetic Association specifically mentions all stages of life:

>It is the position of the American Dietetic Association that appropriately planned vegetarian diets, including total vegetarian or vegan diets, are healthful, nutritionally adequate, and may provide health benefits in the prevention and treatment of certain diseases. Well-planned vegetarian diets are appropriate for individuals during all stages of the life cycle, including pregnancy, lactation, infancy, childhood, and adolescence, and for athletes.

You can read more here.

Here's a book on the subject. And here's a pretty comprehensive guide. Its for vegans but you could use cow's milk instead of the soy or whatever you like. Of note is table 17 about 2/3 of the way down the page:

Table 17: Diet Plans For Vegan Children

TODDLERS AND PRESCHOOLERS, 1-3 YEARS

FOOD GROUP|NUMBER OF SERVINGS

--|:--
GRAINS|6 or more (a serving is 1/2 to 1 slice of bread or 1/4 to 1/2 cup cooked cereal or grain or pasta or 1/2 to 1 cup ready-to-eat cereal)
LEGUMES, NUTS, SEEDS|2 or more (a serving is 1/4 to 1/2 cup cooked beans, tofu,tempeh or TVP; or 1 ounce of meat analogue; or 1 to 2 Tbsp nuts, seeds, or nut butters or seed butters. Include at least 1 serving of nuts, seeds, or a full-fat soy product.
FORTIFIED SOY MILK, ETC.|3 (a serving is 1 cup fortified soy milk, infant formula, or breast milk)
VEGETABLES|2 or more (a serving is 1/4 to 1/2 cup cooked or 1/2 to 1 cup raw vegetables)
FRUITS|3 or more (a serving is 1/4 to 1/2 cup canned fruit or 1/2 cup juice, or 1 medium fruit)
FATS|3-4 (1 tsp. margarine or oil) (use ½ tsp. flaxseed oil or 2 tsp. canola oil daily to supply omega-3 fatty acids)

CHILDREN, 4-13 YEARS

(Note: See the Vegan Food Guide in Simply Vegan for information on serving sizes and the starred food items.)

FOOD GROUP|NUMBER OF SERVINGS

--|:--
GRAINS|8 or more for 4 to 8 yr olds; 10 or more for 9 to 13 yr olds
PROTEIN FOODS|5 or more for 4 to 8 yr olds; 6 or more for 9 to 13 yr olds
VEGETABLES|4 or more
FRUITS|2 or more
FATS|2 or more for 4 to 8 yr olds; 3 or more for 9 to 13 yr olds
OMEGA-3 FATS|1 per day
STARRED FOOD ITEMS|6 or more for 4 to 8 yr olds; 10 or more for 9 to 13 yr olds

If you're worried about iron deficiency you want beans and greens. And pair them with some vitamin C (OJ, pineapple, cabbage, bell peppers, etc). Plant sourced iron isn't absorbed as well without the vitamin C but you can definitely get plenty. Beans and lentils are your best sources of protein too, so really you should be eating them everyday.

But you don't have to take my word for it. Talk to a registered dietician about it and make a meal plan that works for you. You can get blood work done at your kid's regular checkups if you're worried about it.

Edit: I forgot to mention B12. You probably already know about it but deficiency is no joke so I wanted to really emphasize it. A lot of milk/meat/random animal product substitutes will fortify with it, but if you're not sure you're getting enough, just supplement. You can't overdo it; the extra will just leave through your urine.

I'm fond of these titles:
Bipolar Disorder Demystified from 2003, I still have my copy. It's cheap on Amazon. I sat down with all the books at a local book store and this is the one that was approachable to me, when I first got diagnosed.
http://www.amazon.com/Bipolar-Disorder-Demystified-Mastering-Depression/dp/B002HOQ9BG/

Loving Someone with Bipolar is a great book as well, for your partner or family. Be aware, that the book is not going to pull punches, and flat out does tell people that sometimes, in order to financially or emotionally survive and do well, you have to leave people with mental disorders. It encourages people to help, but not to devote their every waking moment to caring for their mood disorder partner.
http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-Julie/dp/1572243422/r

Well, you're confounding society and biology.

Now, one could definitely make the argument that biologically speaking many women could pair with a single man as long as they considered the man a good provider

and one could easily make the argument that in the modern world it isn't feasible for a man to support multiple women and the progeny that multiple women would produce.

There have been several books written with the thesis that monogamy was essential for the rise of civilization such as : https://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Civilization-Monogamy-Made-Human/dp/1621572013

So here is what we know and have collected scientific data on though, people receiving human intimacy generally speaking live longer and that trust is, generally speaking, the most important metric considered in the longevity of a relationship and that a commitment to monogamy is functionally easy than trying to sort out trust in a polygamous or polyamorus relationship.

Now, one could conclude that a monogamous relationship provides the best economy for relationships in general and therefore that is why we are meant to be monogamous or one could conclude that we are meant to be monogamous and therefore monogamy provides the greatest amount of economy but there is no functional difference in either of those conclusions if you can't trust your spouse or your spouse can't trust you.

The act of marriage is a good book. http://www.amazon.com/The-Act-Marriage-Beauty-Sexual/dp/0310212006

I think it is important and healthy to talk about it before you actually start having sex. The honeymoon might not be all glamorous depending on your experience.

edit:Just looked at your post history, yea i would most def talk to your partner if you desire some things that we may call outliers. My policy is if it doesn't cause permananent harm, doesn't involve other people(porn is included in this), not dealing with any sanitary issues then have at it

Yes! The Wedding Planning Binder and Organizer by Mindy Weiss.

My friend got it for me as a present when I got engaged, and I thought I'd never use it. I was wrong! By the time my wedding day rolled around, the binder was absolutely full and I had used every single section. I highly recommend this one!

I highly recommend getting a copy of Douglas Wilson's Reforming Marriage. It will be tremendously helpful :)

I got my wife A Keyholder's Handbook:

https://www.amazon.com/KeyHolders-Handbook-Womans-Guide-Chastity/dp/1493595377/ref=pd_sim_121_1?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1493595377&pd_rd_r=QN6B4N604RKNDHHTW62Y&pd_rd_w=Lg3CM&pd_rd_wg=u3OHq&psc=1&refRID=QN6B4N604RKNDHHTW62Y

This is a pretty good book that goes though everything you mentioned. It helped my wife understand my desires and reasons why I like this stuff. It also dabble's in cuckoldry and sissification. If you want your gf to be at least "exposed" to those ideas, this is a good book.

I'd like to recommend a couple useful books:

http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Vegetarian-Children-Health-Harmony/dp/0658021559/ - my favorite

http://www.amazon.com/Better-Than-Peanut-Butter-Jelly/dp/1590131223/ - kid-friendly recipes

http://www.amazon.com/Vegan-Lunch-Box-Animal-Free-Grown-Ups/dp/1600940722/ - great lunch ideas

http://www.amazon.com/Vegan-Lunch-Around-World-International/dp/0738213578/ - ditto

http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Vegan-Children-Non-Vegan-World/dp/0972510206/ - may also be helpful, but personally I found it quite preachy and medically inaccurate at times

YES!

I was that guy until my wife told me she was leaving. Then I desperately tried all sorts of things (books, counseling, changing everything in our life, begging...) until I found the answer.

To be fair, we have lots of problems, and this was only one of them, but it was a major one. Major.

Tell him this is a really serous problem, because it is. This will end your relationship sooner or later. And then tell him that a nice internet stranger claims to have experienced precisely the same relationship dynamic, and recommends one book.

It's called The High-Conflict Couple, and it's about validating feelings. I guarantee that he doesn't understand validating feelings. I didn't, until year 12 of my marriage. This book is written in a very NT style, and it opened my eyes. Please get him a copy. It will open his eyes too.

It does seem very misleading. I definitely went in thinking she was gonna say something totally different than she did. On a side note, if anyone is really interested in reading more about this topic, and marriage in general, you should pick up Tim Keller's Meaning of Marriage. I just finished it and put marriage in a totally different light for me (I'm single). Highly recommend if you're interested in that sort of thing.

> Honestly, why not? I haven't actually read the rag, but it's just sex tips, right? Can't see what's wrong with that, especially if your wife knows what the catholic teachings are.

I highly regard you're post as a good one, but specifically with magazines like Cosmo I'd be really really skeptic, recently I believe they put out an article on a guide to anal sex for teenagers. I'd suggest OP read books by Catholic authors such as this: https://www.amazon.com/Good-News-About-Marriage-Revised/dp/0867166193/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1502761171&sr=8-2&keywords=Catholic+sex

> You disbelieve that monogamy created the social stability that was conducive to economic growth?

No, I don't. Agriculture and advanced weapons systems in warfare was far more important than fucking one woman for the rest of your life.

>Wow. Read just about any book on the subject; ie: http://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Civilization-Monogamy-Made-Human/dp/1621572013 .

I find arguments that rely on claims about how people lived in prehistoric times singularly unpersuasive. The simple fact is that we have no data about the details of family life nor sexual mores in prehistoric times, and any claims about such are pure speculation.

>Any gains from polygamy are eroded by the conflicts they create.

Yeah, because monogamy has been conflict free historically. I think you are mistaking marriage(which was historically more about property exchange and not raising children, e.g. married fathers where once not-required to support bastard children) with monogamy. There is simply no proof that the one woman/one man dynamic has ever advanced civilization. Monogamy may have never been the cause of civilization , but rather more likely that the success of dominant cultures, which have monogamous values, causes more monogamy within that culture's civilization and the same thing can be said of polygamous cultures.

I highly recommend this book
http://www.amazon.com/The-High-Conflict-Couple-Dialectical-Validation/dp/157224450X

It's meant for couples where there is some sort of mood disorder, or really any couple that find themselves in a cycle of small conflicts snowballing out of control.

It doesn't hurt to get the help of a professional. The problem is most people who need the help are pretty defensive when it comes to someone else wanting them to go. This is how I would approach it.

"The last fight we had got really heated. I notice that I get really defensive during our arguments, and I want to work on that. I love you and want to improve our communication. I want to be proactive about this and go to counseling before we are in crisis." Before you visit email the counselor, or frequently the counselor will ask a few questions about why you are coming in. Mention that you suspect there may be some mental health issues going on, and if the counselor sees any indicators of that, could she refer your wife for individual therapy or a psychiatric evaluation.

Holy cow, this guy is a case. First of all, you have the right to feel secure and comfortable around family members. What your father-in-law is doing not only violates boundaries, it makes you a victim. The fact that you are having to modify the way you dress, watch your back around him, and always be on guard for nasty comments in his presence is evidence enough of that. This is not okay. If your husband will not stand up for you, you're going to have to do it for yourself. Although, you will need to calmly discuss this with your husband first.

I'm dealing with a toxic in-law of my own (though of a different sort). I suggest reading this book.
It's been a huge help for me. I hope you are able to find a way to remedy this nasty situation. =/

You disbelieve that monogamy created the social stability that was conducive to economic growth? Wow. Read just about any book on the subject; ie: http://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Civilization-Monogamy-Made-Human/dp/1621572013 . Any gains from polygamy are eroded by the conflicts they create.

If you go on Amazon.com and search mother in law. The amount of things are funny.

Lie #1

Oh lawdy I dont know if they mean they will take of the MIL or what?

Toxic In-Laws, Strategies for protecting your marriage Lots of good reviews on this book actually!

Read his book Manhood: How to Be a Better Man-or Just Live with One

It's fantastic

The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God

A KeyHolder's Handbook: A Woman's Guide To Male Chastity This is the book you want. I've read it, it is a good intro to chastity. The writing isn't the best, and I had a few nitpicks here and there but it covers all the basics and has lots of ideas for things to try and also talks about why they're exciting.

This is basically legalized natural selection. The better, more desirable men will end up with a larger number of wives. The whole reason this doesn't work is because other men will become jealous and band together to eliminate the competition.

Edit: Already in the negatives. You can keep down-voting me, but this is basic evolutionary biology. It's not uncommon for monogamy to be used as an explanation for the foundation of civilization. Problem?

Edit 2: People are having difficulty accepting a scientific view that goes against their ingrained beliefs, most likely because you're all the product of a monogomous Western civilization, that preaches monogomy and actively outlaws polygomy even though its completely natural process in human evolutionary biology:

Edit 3: /u/Bounds asked:

> Shot in the dark here: you're not married?

How is this relevant? It's not. But to placate and further discourage questions that are obviously posed with provocative intent (I guess he was offended, or perhaps just not very clever) I'll placate you: I'm not married, and I don't intend on getting married for quite some time. I don't advocate polygomy or monogomy and it's not a subject I have any particular interest in. Shot in the dark here, can you concisely explain how my being married or not being married would have any effect on the basis of my answer?

Source
Source
Source

This is heartbreaking. If you want a different perspective check out Esther Perel. One of her quotations is something like: everyone has multiple marriages in their life. With some, it’s to the same person and with others they find someone new. She talks a lot about curiosity and empathy. I highly recommend her perspective.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/537882/

Esther Perel: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/where-should-we-begin-with-esther-perel/id1237931798?mt=2

https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583/ref=nodl_

http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2014/03/esther_perel_on_affairs_spouses_in_happy_marriages_cheat_and_americans_don.html

Edit: clarity

"The Meaning of Marriage," by Tim Keller, does a good job addressing the role of marriage in Christian life. He includes the "gift of singleness," addressing where Paul says that he wishes people could be as he was; marriage is valuable, but some are not called to it.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Meaning-Marriage-Complexities-Commitment/dp/0525952470/ref=sr_1_1_ha

By far the best book out there. Reviews speak for themselves. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1493595377/ref=rdr_ext_tmb

There's a great book that touches on this kind of thing. Toxic In-Laws

I really enjoyed the Good News about Sex & Marriage

I bought my wife A Key holders handbook and asked her to read it, the condition was although I could ask how the book was I wouldn't look at it or read it.

I think it helped her understand that the dynamic would work in her favor and reassured her that I get pleasure not just from her pleasure but in serving.

I think it's particularly difficult for a vanilla partner to understand sissification especially with the connotation/stigma of what sissy could stem into.

One source I know about is "Good News about Sex and Marriage" by Christopher West. https://www.amazon.com/Good-News-About-Marriage-Revised/dp/0867166193/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3DRRMMRG82V3I&keywords=good+news+about+sex+and+marriage+by+christopher+west&qid=1570170450&sprefix=good+news+about+sex+and+%2Caps%2C214&sr=8-1

This is a really good book: Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder

I've heard Every Man's Battle well recommended by my Christian peers.

How about Manhood: How to Be a Better Man-or Just Live with One by Terry Crews

My husband is BP2 and was diagnosed about 3 years ago. A book I found really helpful was: http://www.amazon.ca/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-Understanding/dp/1572243422/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1426032024&sr=8-2&keywords=Loving+Someone+with+Bipolar+Disorder%3A+Understanding+and+Helping+Your+Partner
I have read criticisms of this book that say you are basically a slave to your partner, but I have to admit that in living with someone with this disorder, you kind of are.

Don't do it. No matter how impartial you may be, one of them will end up resenting you. Tell them to see a professional counselor.

Edit: The AAMFT has a list of reputable therapists on thier website and you can search by area. Many will take sliding scale clients based on income.

If they want some help and don't want to see a counselor, I would advise them to read the book "Fighting for your Marriage" and see if that helps.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0470485914/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_JImlzbSP63Z8R

every man's battle as well

Might want to read this book:

https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583

It might give you some perspective on your situation.

My husband read this and it has helped https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-Understanding/dp/1572243422

have you tried getting her something to read on chastity such as this book? https://www.amazon.com/KeyHolders-Handbook-Womans-Guide-Chastity/dp/1493595377/ref=mt_paperback?_encoding=UTF8&me=

Book recommendation:
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-In-Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage/dp/0060507853

https://www.amazon.com/Good-News-About-Marriage-Revised/dp/0867166193

https://www.amazon.com/Saving-Low-Sex-Marriage-Seduction-ebook/dp/B01BGZO1WK

You can get it on kindle from the uk store.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Low-Sex-Marriage-Seduction-ebook/dp/B01BGZO1WK

Sacred Marriage son!

Buy this book: http://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Your-Marriage-Best-seller-Preventing/dp/0470485914/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1375484589&sr=8-1&keywords=fighting+for+your+marriage.

Read it. Do what it says.

Keyholders Handbook by Georgia Ivey Green

Here is the mobile version of your link

Would she be willing to read a book toghter?
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0310212006/ref=pd_aw_sbs_14_of_6?ie=UTF8&dpID=51W924JXrxL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_SL500_SR100%2C100_&psc=1&refRID=6EQ3KW28W0PXPX01AAHP

When dealing with my parents, my partner and I found this book, Toxic Inlaws, really helpful. I haven't read the prequel Toxic Parents, but I bet it'd be equally as helpful. It really helps outline the problems as being on their end, and what you can do to stop rewarding/enabling their destructive behavior. Sounds like typical manipulating-and-destroying-for-your-own-good.

Here it is. I've read the free section before and it's exactly as bad as you would assume.

I know exactly where you're coming from, and that is how I found my way here. Nevertheless, you can probably fix the sexual availability problem with your wife. I found the following book to be really useful. It is not the usual relationship fixing bullshit "do the laundry, buy her flowers, tell her she is beautiful". It tells you how to build her sexual desire for you.

https://www.amazon.com/Saving-Low-Sex-Marriage-Seduction-ebook/dp/B01BGZO1WK

Tim Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage" is a must read. Seriously, anyone who is married, plans to be married, or wants to be married someday ought to read this book.

Where are you in lifting goals? BF% etc?

>wanted to give her some comfort.

stop this shit right now. you are so far up her ass (frame) that you can see daylight. your entire victim puke reeks of no frame. your entire life revolves around making her happy.

STOP THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW. YOU ARE THE PRIZE NOT HER.

Your top priority should be monk mode right now, reading and lifting. if you dont know what to say/do, STFU. spend time on the boards and read some of the shit that happens when you have no frame.

The sooner you realize and then actualize that YOU are the prize, the sooner she will and you can get back your balls.

NO EXCUSES. READ, LIFT, REPEAT.

Also, you should also pick up Bluepillprofessors 12 steps of dread. If you dont want to buy the in depth breakdown of the 12 steps.

here is a link for the lazy

you have a lot of work ahead of you and you are not even at the anger phase yet.

yes, but no.

this is my story
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/feb/08/my-life-in-sex-we-tell-each-other-everything-about-our-sex-with-other-people

no, there is no way to cope. - on your own.
no, there is no way to adjust. - on your own.

there is a chance - a slim one - that you both restart your relationship in a new way.

but if he cheated on you - and now wants a free pass with opening the relationship so everything is fine - then no, that is most likely not going to happen.

read https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583 if you want to read how other couples handled this

First penned here

Then refined

Dread

Dread

What dread are you referring to?

> Just divorce the woman and move on if that’s what you want. There’s no need to make her dread you leaving in that case, lol. Just do it.

Dont' let the word fool you, it was an edgy word that got guys interested in 'forbidden knowledge' and not to be taken literally. Divorce your wife when you're not prepared and you'll have the same issues with the next woman. Dread isnn't about making your wife DO ANYTHING, you cannot manipulate people that way.

It's about making you a high value man with options who can then cull the useless from his life, holding an olive branch out of the wife gets her shit together. It's a methodical branch swing, but with an olive branch. I'd look forward to reading about your alternate form of dread that has nothing to do with the above, I'm always up to learn