I've been struggling with this addiction for 2 years with only ever being able to be clean for a week at most. Today is my 34th day in recovery. I still have a long way to go, but I will be happy to share with you what has helped me succeed so far.

1. Not thinking in terms of "streaks." I don't even like to use that word anymore. This is a lifestyle change for me. One slip up is failure. I am human and can forgive myself for failing, but my absolute #1 goal is life is no more relapses. I am one hundred percent committed to recovery and will do anything to stay healthy.
   
   
2. Therapy. I just accepted that there were things I wasn't "getting." It took a lot of time to find a therapist I was comfortable enough with to open up to. I spend an entire year just searching therapy sites before making a commitment. I'm happy I found someone who is helping me, but damn if I don't wish I hadn't waited so long. I've lost so much time I could have been progressing. Porn and masturbation addiction are HUGE problems and there are a lot of certified therapists that can help you through recovery. The two things to keep in mind when you choose a therapist are making sure they believe that porn and masturbation addiction is real. The second is that they are not committed to any single recovery method as being "the only way." There are a select few individuals who will connect with everything about a certain method, but most people draw from many different sources for strategies in their recovery. You want your therapist to help you explore different ideas and challenge you.. not to limit you.
   
   
3. Definitive strategies. You need to start living healthy. You need to make positive changes in other areas of yourself. You need to love yourself and take care of yourself. Two things that I have done that have helped me and that I would not be to 34 days without them are... Firstly, making my bedroom a no-technology-zone. No laptops, cellphones, or tv. This is were I would relapse most and I just had to make this change to see any progress. Second thing I did was make a schedule for the next day every night before I go to bed. I am unemployed currently and so free time was a huge trigger for me. It was so easy for me to forget all of the things I had planned for the day and just numb out because I didn't think I had anything to do. Now I am amazed when I am making my schedule at how the past month almost every single day is FILLED with things to do in my life. Here are the basics that I would just neglect because I didn't schedule them into my life: gym and working out, doing dishes, cleaning apartment, reading a book at my favorite coffee shop, getting lunch with a friend, playing a video game with a friend, doing laundry, finishing that project I started last year, picking up some work supplies I need for when I go back to work... etc... There are currently about 50 things that I have completed this past month that I am almost certain would not be finished now or would only still be half done.
   
   
4. Research. There are a lot of books out there that layout specific techniques to beating this addiction that you might have never heard of. Here are my top recommendations:
   
   http://www.sexualcontrol.com/The-Most-Personal-Addiction/
   
   There is a free PDF download on the website. I really like this book because it gives concrete strategies for overcoming porn and masturbation addiction. Read it all with a grain of salt. And approach everything in your initial recovery with skepticism. One of the most important things I have learned is that nearly every system says OUR WAY IS THE ONLY WAY. Seriously. 12 Steps says this. Zychik says it. Patrick Carnes, the leading sex addiction researcher says it. I really honestly think that there is NOT only one way. I am currently using ideas from a bunch of different people in my recovery and many of these things are directly warned against in other programs. If you finish reading and want to discuss any of the topics just message me... I would love to help.
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234
   
   This book is great for exploring yourself and finding acceptance and love within.
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Shadow-Starting-Relationship-Recovery/dp/0982650523
   
   I'm not a huge fan of Patrick Carnes because he seems to miss a basic idea about recovery that I think is important. But this book really is great for exploring your addiction. I would recommend it in small doses. It is highly interactive and it is sometimes very challenging to work with. This book is best used with the help of a therapist.
   
   Hope I've helped in some small way. Remember that you are stronger that this. You have the power within to make the correct choice. You have just been misguided by a fucked up society that worships sex and porn in a truly disturbing way. You are on the path to enlightenment. You are better than all of that garbage porn. I believe you have the power to change. It's obvious from your post that you want to change.
   
   Best of luck on your journey and never give up on trying. One day something you read will click and you will get this devil off your back.
   

I think that is a good decision. If you have time, possibly read Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken". You have probably read this before or come across someone talking about it. It is a good illustration about choice. The poem is somewhat ambiguous for the most part and seems to leave the reader up to their own interpretation. But Frost's intention is that after carefully reading it and re-reading you will realize that choice is choice. That sometimes one choice is not necessarily demonstrably better than another, despite how they may seem. That poem has very special meaning to me for a few reasons. First, my original inclination was that he meant the road less taken was obviously the better road. Spoiler, not the case. Second, because his more cleverly plaid out poem illustrates that sometimes it is not the choice that is important, but the journey. That whichever choice you make, you are still on a journey and consistently concentrating on regret is not a great recipe for success. (for reference: https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2015/09/11/the-most-misread-poem-in-america/)

Now, on to tips for what you may do. Your dilemma seems very similar to that of introvert/extrovert relationships. In the sense that you don't need as much interaction as your partner does. I would suggest looking up tips relating to this phenomenom for introvert-extrovert pairings. Here is a link to get your started on ideas:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/love-matters/2018/05/15-ways-to-blossom-if-youre-in-an-introvert-extrovert-relationship/

Also, learning someone's love language and how to speak in it can make a massive improvement. It can help you maximize your time and interactions with those you love by learning to communicate effectively with them. Here is a link to learn more about that (caution the site has a bit of shameless self promotion, but it is very highly respected):

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Learning about how to recognize, set, communicate and respect boundaries in a relationship. Boundaries are important, they help us define how we interact with ourselves, loved ones, and the world in general. Understanding our boundaries and properly communicating them to those around us can help reduce anxiety, social miscues, pointless arguments, etc. I particularly enjoyed the books by Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is often written as more of a story / learning experience and uses many practical examples to illustrate the points being made.

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Relationships-Knowing-Protecting-Enjoying/dp/155874259X

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control-ebook/dp/B06XFKNB2Y

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/1480554995

Hopefully these suggestions can help get you started. I would also discuss these with your counselor and get his opinion/suggestions. See what he makes of all of this. Understand also that part of a therapist/counselor's job is to listen and get to know you. They need to establish a baseline, to learn to decipher what you are saying and not saying, to get a sense of your interaction with others, etc. So a lot of sessions are typically spent coaxing you to talk and open up more so they can become more informed about you specifically. After all, we are often very complex and yet simple at the same time. There is general advice that can typically be given, but you don't really need an expert for that. What you need is someone who can see and understand the complexity, and not just the first or second layers. And this individual has to do this in minimal time as you may only get a few visits from your insurance. But they are there to help you and they do want to see your best interests met, that is their job. So don't be shy to give them specific scenarios and occassionally ask for a specific opinion. They are more apt to give you specific advice more quickly for individual events or cases.

It's partially just a process. It takes time to recover from any relationship ending, but when it's with a pwBPD it's especially challenging because the abuse leaves us with PTSD. We often get caught in a loop of trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. I know that's the case for me.

Therapy definitely has helped me the most - but I understand it's not that simple for everyone. Definitely keep seeking your options. Do you have health insurance through an employer? I didn't realize that my employer actually pays for therapy - I thought I couldn't afford it either until I started actually looking into it.

My therapist emphasizes this the most: Even she was duped by my ex pwBPD (she saw him too). It took her over a year just to diagnose him, and then another whole year to realize that he was lying to and manipulating her. Try not to linger too much on self-flagellation, because sadly they are charming and many people fall for it. Just be glad you're out now and try to focus on the future.

In the meantime the things that helped me most outside of therapy were mindfulness and self-help books. Mindfulness through meditation will change your life, and it takes very little effort. It teaches you to be in the present and at peace, rather than ruminating or catastrophizing. As for self-help books, the ones I list below were instrumental in my healing process. They are a very good substitute for therapy until you can make that work. I recommend the books below in the order I have them listed.

Mindfulness:

• Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation by Sharon Salzberg
  
• Phone app called InsightTimer. Has tons of super helpful guided and non-guided meditations. Learning to sit with yourself and focus on your breath will help you be more calm in the moment and less obsessed with the hurts of your past.
  
• Check out the song Hard Times by Gillian Welch. It just so happens to be the song I'm using to help cope on this particular day. "Hard times, ain't gonna ruleeeee my life."
  
  Books
  
  
• How to Break your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern - Helps you accept that you've allowed people to mistreat you despite your best intentions. It helped me see my ex for who he really was, and planted the seed for starting a new pattern. Particularly good for us because a BPD relationship is literally addictive.
  
• Codependent No More by Melody Beattie - not just anyone ends up in these relationships. You're more than likely codependent. Learn to assert boundaries and take care of yourself while still loving the people around you - whether that means keeping them in your life or not. This is essential in beginning to recover from these relationship because the skills you can learn will help you regain the self-esteem and trust you've lost in yourself.
  
• The Secret of Letting Go by Guy Finley. Lots of concepts you'll learn through meditation but applied to your thought process, not just your physiological response. I'm reading this now and it's helping me learn to stop ruminating.
  
  I hope you pursue all of these. Don't let yourself stay stuck; there is a life outside of what you're experiencing now.

Nothing is wrong with you. It's good that you checked out the 5 love languages. Great place to start. But here's the thing...

It's one thing to have, and acknowledge that you have, different love languages. That's fine. Not everyone understands the need to hear verbal affirmations of love, for example. But the true test of whether he's a good partner is whether he's able to step up to the plate and work with you on that difference. If he knows you need to hear "I love you," and refuses to say it, he's a selfish jerk.

You already know that being with him is causing you pain. He's causing your life to be worse, rather than better. Sure, you probably have your good times, it's rarely "all bad." But overall, his inability to address your concerns, care about and meet your needs, and meet in the middle to make sure you both feel fulfilled in your relationship have ultimately made you miserable.

Step 1: Read this book: How to Break your Addiction to a Person: When - and Why - Love Doesn't Work

Step 2: Get into therapy. STAY SINGLE during this time. If you keep choosing emotionally unavailable men, you need to figure out why so you can break that pattern.

Step 3: After therapy (could be 6 months, could be years, and that's ok, because it's worth it), you have the potential to emerge a happy, functional, healthy, whole person, who relies on herself for happiness. A self-fulfilling, functional person is the only person who can find true happiness in partnership.

It's not easy. The easy route would be staying complacent, remaining in an unfulfilling marriage that makes you miserable. Is that what you envisioned for your life? Of course it's not. But you have the power to change it.

Good luck to you <3

Please leave this guy now! I have women in my family who were with abusive men and trust me it only gets worse. Don't wait! Tell people you trust, such as a family member, that you plan on leaving him. Think about your safety - don't let him hurt you and emotionally control you into staying. You need to plan this out and focus on a concrete idea of where you will go, when, how will you afford it, who you will trust, etc.

A book which I haven't personally read but have heard great things about is called Women Who Love Too Much: By Robin Norwood. You can find it on Amazon here. I think you might really benefit from it!

Good luck honey, and please: Remember your own safety and happiness - just do what you have to do.

We can do it!

But for real, I read your first post, but wasn't sure if you were still responding to comments there, so I thought I'd just post mine here.

Anyways, from reading your post, I thought I'd recommend reading Gabor Mate's, In The Realm of the Hungry Ghosts. I read it once about 2-3 years ago, was into it at the time, then kind of forgot everything in it. A few months back I picked it up and got myself reacquainted. I took notes when I needed to, and even wrote some choice quotes on flash cards for quick access - just ones I found inspiring, or thoughtful, or useful.

I'm kind of big on it right now. It's been helpful, for instance, I'm journaling, and writing out intentions and goals, all on the books' suggestion. Also, I at least feel smarter for having read it. That's something.

Okay, here's a portion of the book that has helped me out big time personally, and I'd highly suggest reading through it. It has honestly helped me. I'm not perfect, far from it, but it has helped. It's the concept/program of '4 steps plus one' from the book.

Here's a link to the '4 steps plus one' passage.


I know it might be a lot to mull through, and I know I'm well past sounding like a commercial, but I'm just trying to help.



If you have any questions/thoughts/whatever I'd be glad to talk or expand on something.


Here's a link to the book, too.

First of all, thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story with us. That takes an awful lot of courage. Second of all, I'm so sorry that you've had to go through so much crappy stuff surrounding your ABDL side. It sounds like you have constantly had your boundaries violated over the years and you've been deprived of the privacy you've needed and deserved to safely explore this side of yourself. It's totally understandable why you'd feel so frustrated, depressed and worried about the future. It's really not easy to cope with what you've been through and I think anyone would feel the same way you do in your circumstances.


I am hearing a sense of hope though which is lovely and will aid greatly in moving forward from all this and discovering that happy little deep down inside of you. It also sounds like you've got a plan in place to reclaim your sense of privacy and autonomy by getting a new job. Keep up with that, you are on the right track there! I'd also recommend seeing a kink-friendly counselor/mental health professional to help you work through the feelings and fears that you have stemming from all the not so good experiences you've been through. I also think it would be helpful to do some research on communication, consent, and boundaries so you can learn skills on how to set boundaries with your family and how to handle things if another person tries to push your boundaries in a sexual way. I'd recommend reading these two books 1, 2.


Lastly, it's never too late to make changes (heh pardon the pun!) in your life, to start a new beginning, and to make up for everything you've missed out on. All the best on your healing journey. You're doing an awesome job so far, you got this! If you ever want to chat, please feel free to pm me \<3

I’ve been reading this one https://www.amazon.com/Conscious-Loving-Co-Commitment-Gay-Hendricks/dp/0553354116

There’s no god speak but there are a few weird analogies and stereotyping of behavior that feels slightly off to me.

A little different but incredibly fascinating and could help you was “ The Courage to be Disliked” which sets out Adler psychology and encourages you to consider your self, your behavior and why anyone behaves the way they do, without pointing fingers at those who are “broken”. I truly love this book and have it on my phone so have highlighted it to death. I like books that don’t tell me I’m doing things wrong, but offer me interesting perspective shifts to act in ways that work better for me.

Also equally weird but same gist in terms of personal responsibility (that plays into whether or not your enter into “codependent” relationships) is The Four Agreements. My therapist and flatmate both recommended this book, despite potentially being inaccessible with its black magic talk. Give it a go, though!

No problem! You are right, the book is more geared toward men, but it is still a good book for women to read. I believe you will still get some value out of it. Another book I have heard of, but haven't read yet, is "The disease to please". It is written by a psychologist who was noticing the people pleasing syndrome in both men and women. It may be a good resource for you as well.

Regardless, what I have learned is it is a process and not just a quick and easy fix. You have taken the first step by identifying what your feelings are and how you would like to correct them. I wish you luck on your journey!

Why do you think it is that you care more about him than you care about yourself? You’re not being selfish by caring about yourself more, FYI.

Only you define your self worth, don’t give him the keys to the car and let him determine that for you. Abusers prey on empaths because they love the idea of being worshipped and empaths are kind and compassionate so it’s like two magnets drawn to each other.

I would recommend Human Magnet Syndrome and Codependent No More. Both offer great insight to the narcissist/empathy relationship.

Stay strong, you can do this :)

BSO of a sex addict here.

Have you seek therapy with a CSAT? Are you going to SAA meetings or similar support / recovery groups?

If so, your wife should strongly be encouraged to join similar support/ recovery groups meant for partners (she is NOT alone in dealing with a sex addict partner).

There is also literature to help you both, which was recommended to us by my SA SO's CSAT -

For you: Facing the Shadow

For her - Mending a Shattered Heart and Moving Beyond Betrayal

Now, my Dday was much more recent (7/7) and there have been several instances of trickle truth, slips, and even a relapse that all have reset the clock back to square one - and dare I say, WORSE than square one, actually. Now it feels that the 4 months long EA/PA (which, still no excuse, I 'understood' the circumstances) is small potatoes compared to what we are facing now.

I love my WSO... I mean, I love the man he "was" prior to Dday. And, of course, that wonderful man is (should be) still a part of him. Although my memories are now tarnished, I have no doubt that all the love, support, and care he demonstrated throughout since the beginning of our relationship was genuine. But there's now this whole other side that his addiction was taking control over.

But at this moment, I do not have any trust in him. I see him trying, I see him wanting to no longer have loss of control over that part of him. But it won't be an overnight change. In the meantime, like your wife, I feel compelled to spying, snooping, tracking, monitoring, etc. but it is driving me crazy and isn't healthy. We are in MC and he is in IC (CSAT) but I have yet to start my own IC.
I feel lost. I feel at a standstill. We get along well in ordinary tasks/day to day commonalities, but my heart is shattered and I flip flop between being so hopeful and feeling love and pride for him, for tackling this issue of his -and being angry and spiteful, giving the cold shoulder when triggered, waking him up in the middle of the night to 'ambush' him with details of previous infractions (NOT the kind of person I've ever been).

Bottom line is - you BOTH need to seek professional help, individually AND together if you want the slightest shot at reconciliation. Your relationship will never be as it was prior to Dday. But it doesn't mean that a new one cannot be built.

You need, day in and day out, to go the extra mile to reassure her, to show through your actions that you are taking steps to not fall back into your addict's behavior. You need to be transparent and even take your own actions to earn her trust back - don't wait for her to ask you to do something to prove you are being truthful/ trustworthy. You have to SHOW her that you are - It's not for her to have to look into if you are.

I know how you feel and I have been there, I'm so sorry you're going through this, the anxiety is pure hell.

Does your loved one have any interest in changing their drinking? Perhaps a harm reduction approach/therapist/doctor could help. People don't change overnight and there are some medications that some people are having alot of luck with, that help cut down craving, anxiety etc. Most people develop addictions because they are in pain. Either physically, emotionally, or both. So sometimes the bigger picture question is "What's the Pain? Why the pain?" Not just, "just stop drinking." You sound like a loving and caring person, and I dont doubt you've tried every approach.

If he's not ready to stop, connecting with a harm reduction therapist would be helpful to at least explore the "why" as the first step. Giving up your coping mechanism is scary, especially without trusting, that, your anxiety has a better solution. This is an example of a great place my family and I have gone too. Along with my loved one who has struggled. Finding something/someone similar in your area can be a great first step.

https://harmreductiontherapy.org/

The best book I have found for family/friends struggling with situations as you have described is:

Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476709483/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_IXRhDbNRHVBXB

Also, definitely check out this reddit regarding alcoholism medications:

R/alcoholism_medication

Congratulations on the great progress you've made so far. My husband has struggled with similar problems and I know it isn't easy.

My husband got a lot of benefit from a book called The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome.

You might think at first glance that it's not the book for you, you might not even consider yourself to be a "people-pleaser", but a lot of people who have been bullied do become people-pleasers as a way of 'keeping the peace' or trying to prevent any unpleasantness from occurring/escalating. But you need to learn how to cope with unpleasant situations, and to learn that they don't have to ruin your whole day. The book has some really good tips for this.

And, it sounds so cliche, but it will get much better with time and practice.

The other thing to do is to become more observant of how others behave. Try to do your own mini-analysis, e.g. What did that guy do when he completely stuffed up and let the other side win? He laughed, said sorry to his team mates, and congratulated the other side. I probably would have been mortified and want to leave straight away, but he was able to laugh it off. I should try that next time.

Hey man, even though my background and trauma is very different than yours, I relate to how you feel. There's no simple way of explaining this, and hell, I've only practiced it actively for a few weeks so I'm far away from reaching real self-love, but it comes down to being mindful of your ego, and to actively be kind/loving to yourself. Imagining yourself as a 3rd person to your ego, being nice/caring like you would be to a friend having bad thoughts of himself is one of the best ways I've heard it described. It takes a long time for that to become the default I think, so it's something you have to stick with.

This book has really helped me, I have a feeling it can help you too. It explains it a lot better and more extensively than I did. I'm naturally skeptical, and 'self help' and all that stuff always seemed silly to me (or my ego, really), but this book spoke to me on an incredibly deep level, give it a try if you're up for it.

https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Again-Rediscovering-Relationships-Emotional/dp/0143133314

Yes, press charges. File for divorce. It will get ugly. Accept your fate, move forward.

And while all of this is happening, read the book Conscious Loving ( http://www.amazon.com/Conscious-Loving-Co-Commitment-Gay-Hendricks/dp/0553354116/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1268937439&sr=8-1 ). It will help you to learn your patterns, decipher your feelings, and find a source of love based on co-commitment, respect, creativity, and love. One of the best relationship books I have ever read (and I have read a ton).

My parents were the same way. They were incredibly invalidating, what I did was never enough, so and so shouldn't be with me, etc. My therapist gave me [Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin](Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin— - How to Recognize and Set Healthy Boundaries https://www.amazon.com/dp/1568380305/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_svhmzbDK29E22). The book was pretty intense at times, though after I read it and began practicing the exercises, there was a noticeable difference in the way people treated me... including my parents.

Seriously, I never thought I could have a good relationship with my parents. I struggled between resenting them and loving them. After I read Boundaries and set my own, I feel like we now have mutual respect for each other with zero power play and can genuinely enjoy each other's presence. Also, the book is incredibly short.

also try this book by jackson mackenzie. he talks about how we often look to external distractions, work, addictions, perfectionism, social media etc but those only serve to feed our protective self which is the ego but never reaching the core wound. the only way to reach the core wound is actually through inner work which is unconditional love, compassion and forgiveness for yourself, acceptance, mindfulness, practicing nonjudgement etc :

https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Again-Rediscovering-Relationships-Emotional/dp/0143133314

patience is the key i guess. if shes really meant for you she WILL come back, you really need to believe this.

> live overseas away from them. What job should I aim for (with a business degree) that gives me the best chance to go work overseas permanently, with a relatively good income?

you can be an Au pair like today as far as i know... You really need to specify which country you reside in and where you want to go, clarity is power.

> My mother [ISFJ] is a narcissist, who constantly criticises me for being a "useless, ungrateful daughter"

I reccomend the work of Ross Rosenberg to understand the naracicist/people pleaser axis, not just in this context but in most any. I'll give you the abridged version, narcissists use conflict like a car uses gasoline, it's good you've realized that you need to sever ties. You're probably a people pleaser if you had a narcissistic mother as you describe, and recognizing this will help your personal growth in the future.

Hey, good work.

I can recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Syndrome-Discovery/dp/0553272799/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1523936794&sr=8-6&keywords=adult+children+of+alcoholics+book

> I was much younger than everyone there and my problems weren’t as serious it seemed

As an objective 3rd party I'd say that its a great idea to keep going, occasionally, and pay attention. Ask questions. Be honest that you feel a little out of place there and that things aren't too bad at the moment. Its possible you can take the lack-of-problems opportunity to help someone else with an ear and a sincere voice, and its possible you'll learn a lot about how bad things can get and how to work towards preventing that.

I'm actively posting everywhere here. What's being said in my posts is usually about the roots of addiction that are leading people into dysfunctional situations. Your post in this thread left out that context. Plus, it's ok to disagree. I like to add strong back-up source material which develops the ideas at a very deep level. It's not necessarily just for you or about you. Your posts raise principles. In this case, many of your principles are very toxic and not rooted in addiction dynamics (compulsion...a guy struggling with porn addiction for example).

It all fits very well here. The community is "an early adopter", and new ideas and tips are showing up everywhere here. I think there's a big lack in focusing on addiction dynamics though. That is mostly due to this community's connection to www.yourbrainonporn.com which tends to suggest a "global solution for anyone who goes 90 days free of porn". It's not true for everyone by a longshot.

Addiction dynamics are left out (especially codependency...as per in your posts, where you are presenting the woman as "concerned and patient victim" in every case...check Karpman Drama Triangle...it reflects your posts like a mirror).

How couples line up:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Human-Magnet-Syndrome-People/dp/1936128314

Here's more about addiction dynamics:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UmXGV65fRfs

The best books I’ve read about overeating are published through Overeaters Anonymous, a 12-step group. They have a website if there’s no group near you, and you can order their books.

The best book I’ve read about addiction is “Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change.”
https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Addiction-Science-Kindness-People/dp/1476709475

Russell Brand’s book, mentioned above, is also very good.

There were actually two that were key:

Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment - Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks was amazing. It truly showed what a happy, functional relationship looks like, and leads you on ways to get there in your current or next relationship. I found that before this, I could identify relationships that I felt were better than mine, but couldn’t exactly describe why. This helped tremendously.

Boundaries and Relationships - Charles Whitfield was quite literally a watershed moment for me. I got it electronically some time after filing and I was really searching for how to heal. I decided to crack it open on a 3-hour flight...and I could not put it down. Not because of its flowery language (there is none...it’s dry), but because it was so impactful. I learned that one of my crucial flaws at the time was having very soft boundaries. That basically means that I don’t draw the lines between people well when it comes to responsibility and accountability. I would routinely take on both tasks and stress from my ex, and she had no problem with that. So instead of roughly 50/50, on a good day it was 80/20...but that was a good day. The thing that almost brought me to tears was the quiz: once you get an introduction into the book, you have a quiz where you are given scenarios and choose how you typically respond. Then points are summed and you are described somewhere on the continuum of soft-to-rigid boundaries. I was extremely soft. But Moreno than this depiction, was the fact that even reading the first question brought so many situations and emotions to mind...so I jotted them down. And I kept writing. And writing. After pages, I moved on to question two...etc. it was extremely cathartic to the point that I was almost scaring myself with what I was able to recall and tie to these things.

Completely separately from this, I learned that I was married to a narcissist, which is the exact worst type I could have possibly been with.

TL; DR Two really amazing books shined a light on so many aspects that I needed to heal, and this was the best $30 I’ve ever spent

10/10 highly recommend

11/10 with rice

You should read Whole Again! (https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Again-Rediscovering-Relationships-Emotional/dp/0143133314). I picked this up on a whim at Barnes and Noble fully expecting to return it, but I ended up reading it almost in one sitting because the way he describes self love FINALLY clicked with me. Its a great read.

Glad I could help!

Here's a link to an app that has all kinds of Al-Anon talks.


Here's the Amazon link to the updated version of the codependency book.

Here's the link to all kinds of virtual Al-Anon meetings by email, Skype, messageboard, or phone.

I'm certain that you should be able to find a way to fit some of this into your busy schedule, even if it's hard. It's going to be really important that you take care of yourself in this relationship.

Not OP, but for me it was a gradual process, starting with the realization that I kept choosing the same type of person to date and expecting a different outcome. Codependency is a multifaceted issue dealing with things like insecurity, a lack of self worth, a lack of self in general, fears of abandonment, a lack of boundaries (the ability to say no) and often a lack of understanding what constitutes healthy human interactions.


If you have an interest in the things that helped me:

• Reading about the Karpman Drama Triangle
  And the following books:
  
• Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself
  
• The New Codependency
  
• Bradshaw on: The Family
  
• The Passion Trap
  
• I only want to marry once
  
  
  My main lessons were
  
• Be okay with being alone (if you don't NEED a partner you remain centered on yourself, even within a relationship, and are able to leave if things no longer work for you)
  
• Learn who you are and indulge in your own life no matter who else is in it.
  
• Learn to speak up and state what you are and are not okay with.
  
• Learn to communicate effectively (no passive aggressive victim mentality.)
  
• Learning to recognize healthy vs unhealthy relationships.
  
• Learning to help people in healthy ways (because you want to, without any investment in the outcome)
  
  
  It took me years to learn to be healthy, and I also saw a councilor for a short period of time, but it was so worth the effort I put in. It's an ongoing process, though. I thought I was finally healthy, then I entered into a relationship and realized I still had a lot of things to deal with. You fight against your learned behaviors a lot initially.
  
  
  I'm in a very healthy relationship now and it's a completely different experience. No roller-coaster of emotions, no walking on eggshells, no loss of myself in favor of their interests, no condescending quips at my expense, no constant insecurity and distrust, no absolutely terrifying fear anytime we are apart.
  
  
  I feel even-keel and stable. When they're away I'm focused on my life, when we're together I'm focused on us and me equally. They treat me amazingly well and I attempt to do the same in return. There is mutual respect and trust. Our relationship is a warm, calming, inviting place to be.

If you're having a really hard time about it, look into sexual addiction.

• Read some Patrick Carnes books (http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Shadow-Starting-Relationship-Recovery/dp/0982650523 ).
  
• Join a Sexaholics Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous or Prodigals International Group. Each group has its differences, so research and figure the one that works for you.
  
• Put porn blockers (k9 web protection) or covenant eyes, for example, on your devices and send the reports to someone who will know you and your problems and keep you accountable. Dont bring them with you to bed or wherever you act out.
  
• Just like another poster said: If you're looking at P its already over, you're toast. Set up boundaries 2 steps before that.
  
• Read books and watch youtube about addictions: My favorite is Gabor Mate
  
• Exercise away the energy you'll gain
  
• Find ways to reward yourself for progress

Thoughts

> I just don't know what to do anymore so I want to ask what I can do to encourage him to get help and support him properly without enabling him, getting too involved, or making it worse for him.

My main book recommendation is:

• Beyond Addiction.
  
  If you'd like, you can also read:
  
  
• Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening.
  
  If you'd like to try family therapy:
  
  
• You might want to look for someone in your state or province who can teach you how to do Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT).
  
  

  Questions
  

  
  > He used to be addicted to cocaine and adderall years ago
  
  A) Is there any chance he might have adult ADHD? It's actually not rare at all among addicts.
  
  > I told him multiple times he should seriously consider getting into rehab, therapy, or any other treatment that could help him.
  
  B) How badly does he want to get these things?

I'm sorry that you're going through so much, first and foremost. This is not an easy road to move forward on, but it is entirely possible to do with work from both parties. The most important thing for your health and sanity (and that of your children) right now is doing for yourself. Are you seeing a therapist or support group individually, and is he seeing a CSAT on his own? No real work got done in my relationship until that happened-- couple's counseling comes later, after the addiction is not active for a period of time, and there is safety established for you. Otherwise it just runs the risk of re traumatizing you.

​

Seeing your own professional gives you space to work through the emotions around everything, and yes, find the strength to make a decision about ending the relationship or not. Everything that he says/ does is simply information for you to use in whatever decision you make. Setting clear and concise boundaries about what you will and won't tolerate is the way to protect yourself and your kids-- and being willing to enforce them when he tests or oversteps. Since things are so, so fresh for you, I recommend this book as a good starting place for yourself at very least. I was given a copy/ read it while my husband was in inpatient treatment, and it really gave me a lot of hope and ability to get myself together, and it doesn't even discuss "stay or leave" until the latter parts of the book, after you have time to breathe and assess what you need to fully.

I am sorry that you felt attacked and judged as well. Anger is unfortunately a big part of healing for all of us, it's expression happens in a myriad of ways-- take what you like, leave the rest, is what I had to learn so I didn't feel hopeless when I heard (in person and in books/ forums) about the anger and see how hurt some people became.

Reading about dating topics helps me to some extent, since if you're looking for a serious relationship with someone it helps to already have thought about what you're looking for and these books can help you become more self-aware and communicate better. Some books that helped me think through important topics/issues: The Man's Guide to Women, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, The Gaslight Effect, and She Comes First.

> I'm not her mom, I'm not her personal slave, delivery person or her chauffeur, but I seem to be all of these things constantly.

It sounds like you need to set better personal boundaries with her, and you need to learn to say 'no' to her sometimes. She has you doing many things for her that are ultimately not your responsibility and you should stop doing those things for her. It is not an easy process to change a relationship in this way - but here's a book I would suggest to get you started.

She may have issues with anxiety/depression/self-confidence. This doesn't make her a bad person, but it may be difficult for you to understand what she's going through. If you do decide to stay friends with her, try to be supportive of her, but understand that it is ok for you to have your own life, and that you shouldn't be her doormat.

also check out The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us Paperback – April 15, 2013
I found it to be incredibly clear and enlightening toward helping me understand how being raised by a narcissist affects my behavior today, thus increasing my awareness and giving me more of a chance to make a conscious choice about my behaviors. It's helped me firm up my boundaries and stop some codependent tendencies I have developed.

I am a counselor and /u/init2winito1o2 is spot on. I think an intervention would be an excellent approach. It seems like it's reaching a breaking point, and it's so much more than just commenting on something. It's showing her that you're not going to enable her any more. Things will change, in one way or another. Ultimately that's her decision.

There are therapists that are specially trained to help you with it, but if you want to do it yourself this is an excellent how to book:

http://www.amazon.com/Love-First-Familys-Guide-Intervention/dp/1592856616

Per a previous comment from u/canary529041:

> Being in love with a borderline is like being addicted to a drug.

It is literally an addiction, no different in effect than the physical addiction to a drug. It works exactly the same way in the brain.

Understanding this was a first and huge, key step to me gaining perspective about my situation, learning how to re-shape how I felt about him and why, and ultimately letting him go and moving on.

OP, this book is what helped give me that very much-needed perspective: How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work

Capture and escape is a common one according to this book: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00GKQJ8E2/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title

Its a cheap book and a fast read. Good for explaining this to therapists and doctors who won't listen to you. I am not selling it, it just helped me.

I daydream a lot about dancing and being a great ballerina. This falls into the "idealized self" common category according to this book.

If you want I can even virtually loan it to you, PM me.

Adding to this, if you're in the SLC area, I can lend you a copy of a book on Codependence. I highly recommend you take care of yourself. That fact that you've been with this woman for so long with all of the things you admit about her being wrong, makes me think you're a bit of a 'helper'. Do you find yourself having a strong impulse to nurture and care for her and others who've messed up their lives on their own?

I recommend reading these 3 books: No More Mr Nice Guy, How to Get Out of the Friend Zone and The Disease To Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome.

I tend to have a similar pattern, and for me the ingrained thing is that if I help someone, I deserve to be loved. It's all kinds of wrong. He could perhaps benefit from this book: The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Others

>"...a child who grows up to unconditionally love those who conditionally love them."

>>"It feels safe to be with selfish, self-centered people because they know what to do with those people"

I'm stunned. I had to stop the video several times to allow myself to process feel the memories that his words brought to my mind. Thank you for sharing this video.

I found his follow-up video on stages of codependency recovery to be very helpful as well https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ytq51GMsd8w.

Has anyone read his book, Human Magnet Syndrome? I've seen it mentioned before but I haven't pulled the trigger on purchasing it yet. I'm rethinking that decision now though.

It's interesting how the OP, unlike you, AMerrickanGirl, isn't in touch
with her anger. Her boundaries are too weak. She has some background that made her this way. I'm not too sure about these "friends", either. She needs a better support system. Colleges have counseling available. She needs to use this service. This problem is very common.

Type in the phrase "Women Who" into google search and see what the auto complete does.


=======================================

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0671733419

Review

"An extraordinary self-help book that reads like a page-turning thriller....This beautifully written, intelligent book can help women break the pattern of foolish love." -- Los Angeles Times

350 used & new from $0.01

=======================================

edit: "Codependent No More" is another hugely popular classic on this topic.

http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_cmu_pg__header

Oh, all the girls my ex husband cheated on me with started as friends. Always trust your instincts when female friends are concerned. Unless you're the type that's automatically jealous of any female interaction, your instincts will warn you when something is not right.

And something is definitely not right here. Your BF may genuinely have no present intention of cheating at all. But he has poor boundaries. And this means that there is a high likelihood that things may get out of hand some day. He's on a slippery slope and he may not even realize when things have crossed the line until he's in way too deep for his own good.

Now is the time for a serious talk about boundaries. No need for accusations or blame. But he does need to be open to the discussion and not dismissive or defensive.

Boundaries are the absolute key to fidelity. It's great to have opposite sex friends if you have good boundaries. Your BF has some work to do in that regard.

Highly recommend that you check out the following books:

Not Just Friends - http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0743225503/ref=redir_mdp_mobile

Boundaries in Relationships - http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/155874259X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1372344185&sr=8-1&pi=SL75

The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Others Paperback

June 1, 2009
> Do you find yourself attracted to people who are helpless, vulnerable, or damaged, or feel like you always end up taking care of your romantic partners? If you fall into this relationship pattern, you're likely a white knight-a person who tends to seek out partners who need rescuing. White knights hope to receive admiration, validation, or love from their partners, but ultimately end up cheating themselves out of emotionally healthy relationships.

And it is written by two women!

• 
  
  Marilyn J. Krieger, Ph.D.
  
  Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D.

Find a good therapist man. A lot of those patterns of behavior have been ingrained since you were a child, just like they probably were for your parents. They are how you learned to cope with people and situations when you were very young, and you are unconsciously dealing with things in the same ways now, even though you are older. You need somebody to help you see what those patterns are, because no matter how hard you try, you are probably going to be looking at your own actions through your own filter, and will come up with answers that lead you in the wrong direction.

Some things may be genetic, but many things just have to be recognized and worked on. You need to talk to somebody who can help you find the right way to do that.

If you do find somebody and end up not liking them, then try another one. Therapists are people too, and some of them are better than others.

In the meantime, check out some books that talk about the issues faced by children of alcoholic/narcissistic/abusive parents. One example:
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Childs-Guide-Whats-Normal/dp/1558740902

you love too much. read this book... it was really helpful for me: http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0671733419

Watch out after the white-knuckling, it may bump your next drinking session higher, so be on your toes with drink-dodging techniques like keeping your drink a couple of rooms away so it's not so easy to sip, sip, sip.

Maybe watch "One Little Pill" with your girlfriend if you haven't done that:

https://tubitv.com/movies/326586/one_little_pill

Beyond Addiction might help too:

https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Addiction-Science-Kindness-People/dp/1476709483/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8

Do you also have panic/anxiety/depression going on? If you start drinking less via TSM and you've got a psych issue that's untreated, it's not going to like having it's boozy "medication" snatched away and could well convince you to drink without the Nal.

I'm currently reading The Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome by Wayne Kritsberg. It's less than $8 on Amazon and I've found it really helpful. I'd encourage you to check it out, and PM me if you want to talk about it at all.

I'm quite late to this thread but I've gotten some value out of this book. The writing is a little stilted but the information is useful: http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Childs-Guide-Whats-Normal/dp/1558740902

Another book that I think would be good for you and I've just got on amazon kindle is Whole Again. It goes into why we go for these type of people and how to heal ourselves to prevent it. I've just downloaded it today and im impressed

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Whole-Again-Rediscovering-Relationships-Emotional/dp/0143133314/ref=asc_df_0143133314/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310973726618&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1679857959206534129&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006864&hvtargid=pla-546139229406&psc=1&th=1&psc=1

Are you interested in still trying to get them help? I strongly recommend reading a book called Love First. My family staged an intervention for my mother a few years ago, and we hired a professional interventionist and the company told us all to read this book beforehand. I think I was the only one who actually read it, but it was incredibly helpful in so many ways. Seriously, just go out and buy it or order it now.

I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. A common story. Check out this book. It might help with the healing.

Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143133314/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_IDTzCb4RH84P9

If ALL your friends are like this, you may want to consider if you have "White Knight Syndrome". :)

Though most white knights feel that they are selfless and sacrificing, often they are really seeking unconditional love and admiration from others because they see themselves as flawed, weak, or unlovable. Problems arise when white knights care for their partners at the expense of their own needs, enable abusive or self-destructive behavior in their partners, try to control and make decisions for their partners, or encourage their partners to relinquish personal responsibility for the relationship.

This taken from the book: The White Knight Syndrome
(I don't know if the book is any good, but that definition sounded good)

That's the thing, nobody can know this but you. I had a really hard time knowing who I was and I started going through everything I had ever written and tried to describe myself based on that, from an outsider's perspective. Like a character analysis in a book. Moved over to old photographs etc., too, and it really, really helped. My (uneducated) guess would be, just because of the age difference thing, that you may have codependent tendencies. Please read the first 5 pages and tell me if this is something you can relate to at all. Not everything, just in general: https://www.amazon.de/New-Codependency-Guidance-Todays-Generation/dp/1439102147

Ive heard good things about this book. I'm getting it today, but it looks like eBook is the only reasonable option (and that is still over my usual cap).

This is called "Rubber Band Technique", as given in one of these books

Freedom from Maladaptive Daydreaming: Self-Help Strategies for Excessive and Compulsive Fantasizing

Returning to Reality: How to Stop Maladaptive Daydreaming

I hope this method works for you :)

You are not doing anything wrong. I am about a year into recovery and went through many different avenues. I tried AA, Smart Recovery, Refuge Recovery and an outpatient program with my health insurance. So, I have gotten a taste of most of them.

Just like in all walks of life, there will be some people that try to bring you down. This is no different at the meetings you will go to. Some people will belittle you for whatever reason. There is 100% nothing wrong with being new. Try to ignore the odd lingo that some of people use, such as, "rehab virgin, normies, etc."

I suggest you also broaden your search and see if you can find any of these resources in your area:

• Smart Recovery
  
• LifeRing
  
• Refuge Recovery
  
• Out patient program with you health insurance
  
  I found more success moving between all these resources based on what I was struggling with at the time. I also suggest you pick up a couple books. I found a lot of solace looking towards philosophy. Some books that helped me were:
  
  
• Beyond Addiction
  
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck
  
• Refuge Recovery
  
  With recovery, just stay away from any of the social drama. Listen to the knowledgable people. And, always remember that we are all in a vulnerable place.
  
  Hope this helps!

I think you might find this book helpful to adjust your approach to be more effective: https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Addiction-Science-Kindness-People/dp/1476709475

It really changed my understanding of my role in my husband's behavior, and how I could effectively change his motivation without feeling like I was pounding my head against the wall or driving myself into misery.

Hey, Beyond Addiction is a personal fave, and there's a list of other books recs here. Thinking of you!

I found Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin to be extremely useful.

I Just started reading the "The Disease to Please"

http://www.amazon.com/The-Disease-To-Please-People-Pleasing/dp/0071385649

and it sounds a lot of what you're feeling. (i'm only 2 chapters in)

Yep!! I *loved* his book on addiction, eye opening. He also has multiple talks on youtube

Credit: from the book Whole Again

I agree very similar to ACOA, ie children of alcoholics. Before there was anything on hoarding, this helped me a lot
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Syndrome-Discovery/dp/0553272799/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1526502459&sr=8-6&keywords=adult+children+of+alcoholics+book

Please read this book:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1439102147/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1492137968&sr=8-5&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=codependent+no+more&dpPl=1&dpID=51WSxXg8puL&ref=plSrch

Honestly you should thank your lucky stars that he's breaking up with you. Narcissists + CoDependents are a VERY volatile type of relationship. Usually narcissists are VERY difficult to treat or even come around at all and that might be the child-Fe in him. He knows it's wrong and is causing disunity but he can't help it right now.

https://www.amazon.com/Human-Magnet-Syndrome-Love-People/dp/1936128314/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3HMN6X56BMA5Q&keywords=human+magnet+syndrome+ross+rosenberg&qid=1571692031&sprefix=human+magnet%2Caps%2C158&sr=8-1

Well, if your lens is skewed, it might be hard to tell who's a good person. Or a "good" person does something dickish, and you let it slide because it's not as dickish as you're used to, and it gets worse from there, where someone else might have cut it off at dick move #1.

I needed therapy to learn what normal relationship behavior was supposed to be like. While I never dated anyone abusive, I wasted a lot of time in relationships with people who weren't right for me, but I rationalized it with "It could be worse" due to how craptastic my parents' relationship is. Maybe I had to go through it to figure out this was something I needed therapy about, but I cringe about this a lot in hindsight.

A book like this one may be useful.

http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1464035070&sr=1-1&keywords=no+more+mister+nice+guy

also

http://www.amazon.com/Human-Magnet-Syndrome-Love-People/dp/1936128314?ie=UTF8&psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=ox_sc_act_title_1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER

In case anyone ends up here looking for information on how boundaries work in a relationship, these books are very informative:

• Boundaries and Relationships
  
• Passionate Marriage
  
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Maybe try [this book] (https://www.amazon.com/Break-Your-Addiction-Person-When/dp/0553382497/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1523638497&sr=8-1&keywords=addiction+to+a+person).

And How to Break Your Addiction to a Person.

I was doing some research yesterday and found this article

Going to check out the book they mentioned. [The Disease to Please] (https://www.amazon.com/Disease-Please-Curing-People-Pleasing-Syndrome/dp/0071385649 )

I haven't read this but I have always wanted to:

"An Adult Child's Guide to What's 'Normal'"

https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Childs-Guide-Whats-Normal/dp/1558740902/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1505680294&sr=8-1&keywords=normal+for+adult+children

>statist concept of borders

Interpersonal boundaries 101

>sad to see how the sub has become this

There's a place for you, it's called /r/GoldandBlack

>freedom of movement

This wouldn't exist in a stateless society.

There is a book called "How to break your addiction to a person" that I found helpful. When you find yourself thinking about them, visualize a stop sign and instead think something about them that grosses you out.

It is so hard loving unconditionally and being preyed on by the most destructive types of people. Going through something very similar and questioning what was real. About to read this - seems promising.

https://www.amazon.com/Human-Magnet-Syndrome-Love-People/dp/1936128314/ref=sr_1_1_sspa/135-4048646-4862759?ie=UTF8&qid=1536109147&sr=8-1-spons&keywords=the+human+magnet+syndrome&psc=1