>Thanks. Are you a guru?

You're welcome. Ask the easy questions, why don't you!! Haha!

As to the word guru, my first reaction to it is EEK, for two reasons. First, it's what all those gurus we put on pedestals have later been caught doing. Second, it's all the bad press that gurus in general have receieved in the North American press (Perhaps there are religious politics involved there). I am ignorant off how gurus are seen in other places.

In India, where the word comes from, gurus are at the top of the caste system, above Kings (Rajas) and princesses, above presidents, judges, doctors, lawyers, millionaire businessmen and women, and so on. They are an elite bunch who are difficult to approach. A poor person might spend ten years earning their way to the front of the line before they access the knowledge and wisdom of the teacher. Those with money can often jump the line, and do.

I am not at all that kind of guru.

The system of Kundalini into which I was introduced does not teach this particular method to the masses. It's a one-on-one way of teaching, so quantity is low. However, the techniques and skills involved give me the understanding to assist those with Kundalini questions at pretty much all levels. I am not formally trained in other systems, though, (Maybe one day), so I cannot give exact advice with respect to something like Kundalini Yoga, as I don't know their repertoire of Kriyas. I would be able to suggest things like, "ask your Kundalini Yoga teacher this question", or "How about trying this idea, this technique, this adjustment to the Kriya". They have a system that works, works well, and for the most part is one of the more "peaceful" ways of entering into a Kundalini path. It's something you might consider. Hint hint.

For what it's worth, my own teacher's teacher was a Sikh in India, and the www.3HO.org system emerged from a teacher in the Sikh community, Yogi Bhajan Singh.

My teacher thus explained to me how he did not quite fit the definition of the word guru. He certainly was not at the top of the caste system of North America!! Yet once in a while, he'd playfully refer to himself as my guru, usually with a big mischivous smirk on his face, and usually some aspect of teaching was involved. He IS a teacher of some cool spiritual techniques, sure. He spent three years going from guru to guru in India before the Rock-and-Rollers got there. He had money, so he jumped the line. Being half Native, he did not feel the necessity, (once back home), to observe the meatless tradition of India, which exists for reasons other than just morals. Surprise, surprise.

In the Kundalini Yoga system, you will see obvious advancement, and two years of active work will yield amazing results, with many years of integrating and evolving still part of the package afterwards.

/ramble

So, no I'm not really a guru. I am just a qualified teacher of an oral tradition Kundalini path. If you stick me up on a pedestal, I'll drag you up there with me then knock you off. When you land, (The higher the pedestal you make, the harder you fall), I'll have my feet firmly on the ground waiting for you at the bottom. Smiles. Maybe I'll record it to post on YT for everyone's amusement. /jkg.

Did you know your question might be such a juicy one when you asked it? Answered well enough?

-------------------------------

>I have been doing meditation on and off for the last 2.5 years and did 1 year everyday before that. The reason for my on and off meditation is my addiction to pornography. I know that when kundalini and porn meets, it's a disaster. I can't sleep on nights when I have watched porn because the energy has been going down to my root chakra.

This speaks of you having good self-knowledge and self-observation skills. Yes, reading this you might go, "Well it's SO OBVIOUS to me". Accepted, yet not everyone will make those connections. Having that self-knowledge equips you with the ability to make choices and try new things.

Have you read /u/JCashish's post on a_tantric_perspective_on_the_use_of_sexual_energy?

You could also try his advanced method. Hint hint.

As soon as you get that horniness twinge... make the time to do the exercise. THEN you use the energy far more constructively.

Have you started developing any understanding about your addiction to porn and what drives it, and what consequences follow? Do you recogise any positives other than the pleasure of orgasm? Asking and working on these ideas could free up your addiction. Porn would then be an aware choice, not a compulsion, as you would also have new choices, new things to do with the energy.

It's a conversation we can have here if you wish.

>I usually do mindful meditation where I try to stay mindful of anything like my breath, sounds etc.

Very good. Have you also done anything which helps you become aware of inner energy flows. Yoga. Taichi. Qi Gong... and often medittaion, etc? In order to have a peaceful Kundalini awakening, one must become able to sense these flows too, and not just observe the reactions of flows such as not being able to sleep after porn. One must be able to notice and then intentionally release tensions, obstructions or reguide the energy, at times.

For this, any of the concentration meditation paths are very useful. Concentration and mindfulness. One for observing, one for focus.

>I like to exercise, run, listen to chanting/Sufi songs.

Super. Any links that you might share? I've not heard many Sufi songs.

>I try to stay active because it feels easier when I am exercising, taking showers twice a day etc.

Perfect! You are adapting and listening to your own needs. This is what Socrates (In Dan Millman's book The Way of the Peaceful Warrior ) refered to as body wisdom. Respecting your temple is a basic place to start.

>I have been to one of the Shaktipat program about 2 years back but it was without a teacher.

I don't understand how you can have a shaktipat program without a teacher, as shaktipat involves the sharing of grace BY a teacher. No teavher, no shaktipat. Was it more like a preparatory course, as in preparing for future shaktipat? If it was the latter, an in-person teacher might also adapt each person's execises to their own specific needs. Humans aren't made with cookie cutters. We all have our differences and obstacles to transform into challenges and sources of learning.

> It was more like an intensive meditation/chanting for a day.

That makes sense. Why the word Shaaaktipat then? Any ideas

>Right now, I don't have a physical teacher but I do listen to Osho whom I consider as my guru. His lectures have helped me tremendously.

I like Osho and much of what he said and wrote, but I'm not too familiar with what he said and wrote about Kundalini. As a guru he made monstrously big mistakes, ones especially deaing with the failure to extend morals to his followers. One could philosophically back up and say he played a role in healing a sexually-repressed and a religiously-repressed society. For sure.

What I see as his big failure, though, has a direct relation to Kundalini which does demand the most respect and the utmost respect of morals, so in a sense, you can use Osho's ideas to get past your own indoctrination, but must not adopt his rebelliousness, as this would, not might, would lead to disaster where Kundalini is concerned for your future. Do you get what I'm trying to share here?

In a very real sense, calling Osho your guru places a significant obstacle to your advancing in Kundalini. So, that becomes a choice for you, and only one you can make for yourself. Go ahead and use his ideas to free yoursef up from the ideas you swallowed up as true in your past. That's a terrific way to honour what he taught. Exercise respectful caution where energy work is concerned. So many women, and a few men, have spoken to me about inappropriate behaviours from Osho followers that I must respect their voices.

The other choice is to enjoy what Osho offered WHILE developing your own deep understanding of the Yamas and Niyamas, and applying them as you can to the best of your abilities. There's nothing wrong with reading a line from a guru or master teacher and coming to a sentence and concuding he/she messed up here. Yes, you are evaluating the quality of the teachings. You're always expected to do this, else you are a blind follower. Kundalini does not tolerate such blindness, so make an effort to find tha hazardous vaguenesses and moments of poor thinking as you read Osho's or anyone's writings... and of course, mine included.

>I used to read books on meditation/kundalini.

That doesn't narrow it down much. On Kundalini, due to the vast ignorance on the topic, some writers took creative liberties at producing much pleasant smelling BS, IMNSHO. Rarely, that BS was dangerous. More often it was merely clutter and confusion which would impair anyone's progress. Totally impair. Again... explore what you've read and accepted as true. Test it in daily life. Throw out the crap - keep what works while continuing to test it.

Re your use of the word peaceful... the further you wish to develop your Kundalini, or that Kundalini draws you forward too, based on your choices and actions, the more intense some of it may be. Intense. If you stand well-grounded and not fight with it, it remains intense. If you resist the learninga nd unlearning process, it won't at all be peaceful. The suggestion here is to really get good at non-attachment. There are some HUGELY important subtleties involved with the concepts or equanimity, non-attachment, "letting go". Go discover these, and peacefulness will be enhanced.

Good peaceful journey, with a few wonderfully exciting bits!!
EDIT: Typos as usual. I'll master typing NEXT lifetime. Edit 2:A few more missing letters found.

I've been struggling with this addiction for 2 years with only ever being able to be clean for a week at most. Today is my 34th day in recovery. I still have a long way to go, but I will be happy to share with you what has helped me succeed so far.

1. Not thinking in terms of "streaks." I don't even like to use that word anymore. This is a lifestyle change for me. One slip up is failure. I am human and can forgive myself for failing, but my absolute #1 goal is life is no more relapses. I am one hundred percent committed to recovery and will do anything to stay healthy.
   
   
2. Therapy. I just accepted that there were things I wasn't "getting." It took a lot of time to find a therapist I was comfortable enough with to open up to. I spend an entire year just searching therapy sites before making a commitment. I'm happy I found someone who is helping me, but damn if I don't wish I hadn't waited so long. I've lost so much time I could have been progressing. Porn and masturbation addiction are HUGE problems and there are a lot of certified therapists that can help you through recovery. The two things to keep in mind when you choose a therapist are making sure they believe that porn and masturbation addiction is real. The second is that they are not committed to any single recovery method as being "the only way." There are a select few individuals who will connect with everything about a certain method, but most people draw from many different sources for strategies in their recovery. You want your therapist to help you explore different ideas and challenge you.. not to limit you.
   
   
3. Definitive strategies. You need to start living healthy. You need to make positive changes in other areas of yourself. You need to love yourself and take care of yourself. Two things that I have done that have helped me and that I would not be to 34 days without them are... Firstly, making my bedroom a no-technology-zone. No laptops, cellphones, or tv. This is were I would relapse most and I just had to make this change to see any progress. Second thing I did was make a schedule for the next day every night before I go to bed. I am unemployed currently and so free time was a huge trigger for me. It was so easy for me to forget all of the things I had planned for the day and just numb out because I didn't think I had anything to do. Now I am amazed when I am making my schedule at how the past month almost every single day is FILLED with things to do in my life. Here are the basics that I would just neglect because I didn't schedule them into my life: gym and working out, doing dishes, cleaning apartment, reading a book at my favorite coffee shop, getting lunch with a friend, playing a video game with a friend, doing laundry, finishing that project I started last year, picking up some work supplies I need for when I go back to work... etc... There are currently about 50 things that I have completed this past month that I am almost certain would not be finished now or would only still be half done.
   
   
4. Research. There are a lot of books out there that layout specific techniques to beating this addiction that you might have never heard of. Here are my top recommendations:
   
   http://www.sexualcontrol.com/The-Most-Personal-Addiction/
   
   There is a free PDF download on the website. I really like this book because it gives concrete strategies for overcoming porn and masturbation addiction. Read it all with a grain of salt. And approach everything in your initial recovery with skepticism. One of the most important things I have learned is that nearly every system says OUR WAY IS THE ONLY WAY. Seriously. 12 Steps says this. Zychik says it. Patrick Carnes, the leading sex addiction researcher says it. I really honestly think that there is NOT only one way. I am currently using ideas from a bunch of different people in my recovery and many of these things are directly warned against in other programs. If you finish reading and want to discuss any of the topics just message me... I would love to help.
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234
   
   This book is great for exploring yourself and finding acceptance and love within.
   
   http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Shadow-Starting-Relationship-Recovery/dp/0982650523
   
   I'm not a huge fan of Patrick Carnes because he seems to miss a basic idea about recovery that I think is important. But this book really is great for exploring your addiction. I would recommend it in small doses. It is highly interactive and it is sometimes very challenging to work with. This book is best used with the help of a therapist.
   
   Hope I've helped in some small way. Remember that you are stronger that this. You have the power within to make the correct choice. You have just been misguided by a fucked up society that worships sex and porn in a truly disturbing way. You are on the path to enlightenment. You are better than all of that garbage porn. I believe you have the power to change. It's obvious from your post that you want to change.
   
   Best of luck on your journey and never give up on trying. One day something you read will click and you will get this devil off your back.
   

In my opinion: Nutrition is for losing (or gaining) weight and making sure you recover properly.

Cardiovascular training (literally heart and blood-vessel training) is for heart, vascular and lung health so you can run after a bus or take a flight of stairs without feeling like you are going to die. It helps you think more clearly, resist depression, and reduces risks of some of the most deadly diseases (heart attack, stroke, etc.)

Resistance training is for gaining or maintaining lean body mass and strength. This helps you look better naked, keeps your bone mass up, and as you get older, helps you recover more easily from slips and falls. It also is good for your metabolism: it helps with insulin sensitivity and each pound of lean mass burns 2-3x as much energy as a pound of fat, and it takes up less space.

Finally, stretching/mobility training will help you keep your youthful ranges of motion, reduce stiffness and pain, and reduce injury potential.

You need a balance of these four elements to be truly fit.

To answer your specific questions:

1. Yes, you have to maintain a calorie deficit to lose weight. There is no way around this. However, focusing on satiety (the feeling of being satisfied) will help. In my experience, foods that help with satiety without being high in calories are a. water b. fiber and c. protein. Fat can also help a meal stick with you, but a little goes a long way. Pure carbs (stuff with very little fiber) are tricky. This leads us to foods like lean meats, vegetables, fruits, and legumes (beans) and away from sugars and refined carbs (especially those with fat and carbohydrate together like cake, pizza, pastas, bread and butter, etc.). People have lost weight on all kinds of diets, so experimenting with what works for you is good. Tracking your calories and macronutrient (protein/fat/carbohydrate) intake with something like myfitnesspal.com can help. There are more "advanced" methods but starting there can help your basic awareness of when and what you're eating, and you can start to make tweaks and adjustments from there.
   
   
2. It's OK if you can't do purely running. Consider swimming, riding a bike, rowing or a low-impact alternative like an elliptical machine. If you have health insurance, consider seeing a doctor/physical therapist to give you specific ways to work with/around your limitations. Simply losing some weight can help with all kinds of orthopedic (bone-related) issues.
   
   
3. Lifestyle advice. It's about taking small steps and building habits. I recommend trying to break a sweat at roughly the same time every day. Do something laughably easy at the beginning, like going into the gym and doing a warmup, then leaving. The point is consistency by showing up over time. Find a program or work with a personal trainer who will design a program for your abilities, and stick with it. I personally recommend something that you do either every day (7 days a week) or at least 5 days a week during the work-week (Monday through Friday), purely because it's actually easier than going 3 days a week because you get into a habit of going at a specific time every day. You will have to carve out time for this, there are no two ways around it, but that time can be early in the morning, during lunch, or after work. If you join a gym, find one between home and work to help reduce the issues of going before or after work. Finding a program you can do at home is great as well and can help with logistical issues. You want to be there when your baby graduates high school and college and gets married, so you're investing in your future. I highly recommend the books "Atomic Habits" by James Clear, as well as "The Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg with more help on those fronts.
   
   
4. Lifestyle part 2, diet. I recommend doing a weekly or twice-weekly session of food preparation. If you have a 5-day a week workout habit, you can set aside two days to go shopping for healthy food and prepare healthy food in bulk. (Slow cooker and sous vide can help here, as well as the basic stove and oven.) Having a good breakfast, lunch, and dinner (or whatever meals match your plan) on hand will reduce the urge to grab something quickly for those meals, and it will force you to plan ahead, which really helps you stick to those decisions later. If you have trigger foods (like chips or pastries or something) don't bring them into the house. This doesn't mean that you can never eat your favorite food ever again, but it does mean that you want to have 80% or more of your nutrition match the goals that you have. Then when you have the food you like, you will enjoy it more.
   
   Sorry, I started in on this post and it got away from me. Hopefully you find some useful nuggets in here.
   
   TL;DR: You need to have a balance of nutrition, cardio, resistance, and mobility training. You have to have a calorie deficit to lose weight, so focus on foods that fill you up without a ton of calories. There are tons of cardio options that aren't running that will be easier on your joints. Lifestyle change is about changing your habits. Doing food prep really helps make losing weight easier.

If you're really truly interested in mastering this hobby and applying yourself to learning it, here's what I would recommend:

1. Define short-term goals. Do you want to learn A, B, and C tricks? Do you want to work on body movement and dance? If you're having a hard time defining this for yourself, look to the spinners you respect and try to figure out what it is about their style you admire and would like to make a part of your own.
   
   
2. Schedule a regular practice. Make an appointment with yourself that you would keep just like an appointment at work. Remember: this is something you're doing for you? Who is more important to keep your promises to in your life than yourself? Doing this will also help keep you from the dreaded "I can't find time to practice" conundrum so many of us wind up in...make times for the things that are important to you.
   
   
3. Create a regular 20-30 minute warmup ritual before you practice. This could be your meditation or a dance warmup, a series of stretches, etc. Pick a piece of music you'll listen to whenever you sit down to do this or have a particular scent of incense you put on. For the spiritual out there, this ritual will help prepare you for the work you're about to do and focus your mind on the task at hand. For the scientific folk out there, this is classical conditioning: you're setting triggers to put your mind into a state of focus and eliminating outside distractions.
   
   
4. Structure your practice around your goals. Want to integrate gunslingers into your flow? Try for one week to get ten spirals and ten meteor weaves every single day, then next week up the ante and practice the transitions between a flower and these moves ten times. Want to work on your dance/flow? Set aside 10-20 minutes to just spin to music and explore the space around you. Some days you'll be on and make lots of progress and some days it'll feel like you're backsliding or hitting your head against the wall. Both are important to the learning process.
   
   
5. Define your overarching goals. What is it you want to do with poi? Do you want to have a fun physical hobby, perform with it, get into the tech world, etc? Figuring out what attracts you to the art will help you focus your energies on practicing those skills that are most in line with what you enjoy. Also be prepared that you may discover something in the course of your practice and experience that changes this dramatically. Reevaluate it every 4-6 months or so.
   
   
6. Learn to love the plateau. We love getting new tricks. We love the excitement of novelty--and it's really bad for us. It teaches us to value the temporary over building in the long-term. Mastery is a lifelong journey where the goal becomes subsumed more and more by the experience of getting there as time goes on. Plateaus are important because they allow you to refine the things you've just learned and polish them into a more beautiful form. It is inevitable that you will spend the majority of your time in the flow arts on a plateau of some sort or another, so the more you make your peace with it early, the easier that journey will become.
   
   
7. Become comfortable with solo practice. All the research we have on mastering skills at this point indicates that it takes thousands of hours of deliberate solo practice to become a virtuoso at a given skill. Spinning with people is fun and you will learn new things, but the majority of the progress you'll make will be on your own. This is harder for some people to adapt to than others, but it is an essential part of the journey (unless, of course, your goal is to become a virtuoso at partner poi ;)
   
   
8. If possible, find a good teacher/coach. A good teacher will push you when you need to be pushed, challenge you in ways you never thought possible, and guide you to becoming the best possible poi spinner that you can become. Sadly, this tends to be a luxury as good teachers in the flow arts world are extremely hard to find, but if you're able to find a good one make every use of their services.
   
   Good luck with your journey! It's been one of the greatest I've embarked on in my adult life :)
   
   Here are some books I would recommend on the topic:
   
   Mastery by George Leonard (talks a lot about mindset and learning to love the plateau)
   
   Talent is Overrated by Geoffrey Colvin (gives a lot of pointers when it comes to deliberate practice)
   
   So Good They Can't Ignore You by Cal Newport (lots of counterintuitive but useful info on developing skills)
   
   The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle (lots of great info about what to look for in a good coach/teacher)

Not everyone has the mental fortitude to start their own business. You may not have what it takes. The reason I say that is because of what I've experienced the past couple years. I'll give you the cliff notes version.

I'm turning 30 next month. For the last 10 years I've been a part of different businesses, startups, and started a few of my own businesses on the side. I always had a fulltime job that supported me, but I worked on side projects in my free time. Like you I had been dreaming about the day I would own my own business fulltime for YEARS, and I had been actively working towards that goal.

Fast forward to 2 years ago. I finished school, moved to a different city, and started my own business (it's a service business that is client based). I was FINALLY my own boss. All of 2013 I tried so many things to get clients in the door, some of it works, most of it didn't. Worked my ass off, got depressed after working so hard for months and seeing no results and barely getting by. Lost weight because I wasn't eating enough because I couldn't afford food. Borrowed money from every family member I could.

Finally, at the beginning of 2014 I started to get traction. The seeds I planted were starting to pay off. I got media attention and I thought I 'made it'. Not only could I pay all my bills, I had money left over at the end of the month. I enjoyed that success for a few months, but then I made the mistake of resting on my laurels and eventually clients ran out. I then refocused, started crushing it a few months ago, and now I'm finally getting back to the level I was before. I now have systems in place so I won't ever go back to that place I was, that I will keep growing and be more focused.

Why does all of this matter? It matters because being a business owner is HARD. It's arguably the hardest thing I've done, and I have literally been preparing and dreaming of it for over a decade. There were many times I nearly failed, I made countless mistakes, and it affected my happiness substantially. There were many times I would have given up had I not burned the proverbial boats. I HAD to make this work, there was no other way.

Why does it apply to you? Because having a good work ethic and being self motivated is CRITICAL to success when you own your own business. Read stories of other entrepreneurs, they are always working far more hours then their friends, they are passionate, driven, and goal oriented.

Why am I writing all of this? Because I don't think I started out having the most amazing work ethic. There were many times over the past couple years where I would take a day off here or there in addition to my weekends, or that I would do the minimum during my work day. Some of that was due to depressing circumstances, but I was also too easy on myself because I have spent my whole life being conditioned to take orders from a boss. Now I was the boss, and I was being too nice to my number one employee! I had to learn the hard way how to keep myself motivated, and now I consider myself an excellent and effective worker. These are the things I've done, maybe some of them will work for you:

• I work in 60 minute chunks and I set a timer. For 50 minutes, I work completely focused on whatever task is at hand. At the end of 50 minutes I take a 10 minute break and get away from my computer and walk around. This method of working has been one of the most effective things I've incorporated into my routine.
  
• I make a HAND WRITTEN todo list at the beginning of the day. For some reason, actually writing it down is incredibly powerful (I used to just use a list on a computer). I check things off throughout the day. I also put a star next to the item that I consider to be the most important thing to get done, the one thing that makes everything else in my life easier or unnecessary. I learned this from reading the book The One Thing
  
• I set a schedule for the day and I stick to it. I know when I am going to start my day, and when I'm going to end my day. Also, even though I work from home I make sure that I get dressed instead of just working in my PJ's.
  
• I take care of myself. This means I work out a few times a week, I make sure I eat a health breakfast, I meditate, and when I'm off work I don't check e-mail or work on work related things. This actually makes me really eager to get to work the next day and really crush it.
  
• I keep a work journal. I write in my work journal every day listing what I've done, my thoughts of the day, and various personal metrics I'm tracking. This journal has been instrumental in my success, because after I looked over it I was able to see patterns where I didn't see them before. It was through this journal that I realized I was so much more productive when I worked in 60 minute chunks with a 10 minute break.
  
• I have a white board that I see it every day that I list my goals I want to hit for the day, for the week, and for the month. I have things on these different lists that are things I know are crucial to complete if I want my business to sustain itself and grow.
  
• I talk with others about my goals. Now, there is something to be said about keeping goals hidden which can make you more productive, but I also talk about my day to my family and friends when we hang out at night which keeps me accountable. I want to be able to say, "Wow I really crushed it today, I did X, Y, and Z, which really moves me forward." instead of, "I checked some e-mails... and that's about it..."
  
  More so than anything, I think the thing that keeps me motivated are those times I can point to in the past couple years where I had no money. Where I was eating one meal a day, and I was depressed as fuck. I don't ever want to go back there. Some people can learn from others mistakes, other people have to learn the hard way. I wanted to be the former, but I turned out to be the latter.
  
  Now, you're road may be easier than mine. Maybe you are smarter than me, maybe you have advantages I don't have, I have no way of knowing. All I know is that I was like you, I dreamed of owning my own business for years, and the reality is far different than what I imagined. That being said, I have learned and grown so much, I feel like I am a much better person because of the struggle I have gone through (and still am going through to be honest).
  
  TL;DR: Owning a business is hard. You may not have what it takes. There is hope, even if you are a bad worker, you can learn to be a good one that is self motivated.

Putting yourself out there is probably the hardest part of all of this, and I think it's the most effective. Good work on that. Keep working at it. The extreme emotions will eventually calm down as you learn more about yourself and others.

That infatuation doesn't sound too healthy. Another SA trigger is a fear of rejection. This can lead to some of those extreme emotions when actual rejection does occur. I know dating is really personal, but try not to take it too personally, if that makes any sense. She wasn't into you. You were into her, and it would have been nice if that had worked out, but it didn't. It doesn't really make much sense to keep carrying those negative emotions around, right? What good are they doing you?

Now you're free to keep working on your SA. If you had shacked up with her, maybe you'd be resting on your laurels at a time where it'd be better for you to keep pushing yourself to grow.

Don't feel bad about getting compliments, dude! If they're complimenting you, they mean it sincerely. What were they saying about you? Saying you're handsome? Funny? Well-dressed? Charming? Whatever they were saying about you, it's true! Accept it! It sounds like you have some real strengths. Own them! It can make you feel so good!

Going by the concert thing, it sounds like you've made some progress recently. That's really great. Keep working hard.

This book has a great self-esteem building exercise that I think would benefit you. Basically you take the different aspects of your life (your physical appearance, your job, your interpersonal skills, etc.) and assess your strengths and weaknesses in those areas. It will give you an honest evaluation of what kind of person you actually are. What you're good at, what you need to work on, etc. I think this could help with the compliment thing most of all.

Well, the thing about this question is really haven't really figured out a good way to actually answer it. The phenotype is poorly defined (what, exactly, is "intelligence", in scientific terms?), the conditions under which it evolved are not all that well known, and the genetic architecture underlying it has to to be enormously complex. Couple that with the fact that the one species that exhibits the phenotype (humans), is the one that we can't do genetic experiments on (for obvious reasons), and I think you'll see why it's so difficult.

Nonetheless, it is a really fascinating question, so there have been many attempts to sort of "logic out" some answers. Unfortunately (for you, at least), I'm not terribly well read on the topic, so I'm not sure how much help I can be. Even worse, the wikipedia article on the topic really leaves something to be desired. It still might not be a bad idea to read through it (or at least the "models" section), as the basic ideas are right, and should give you a feel for what current thinking is. I would recommend that you take anything state there as if it were fact with a grain of salt, however, unless you can actually find the statement in a citation, and the citation seems credible. Some sections of that article look to me like they were written by individuals clearly biased in favor of or against one or the other of the hypotheses.

Worst of all, I think the article does a really terrible job with my personal favorite hypothesis, the runaway sexual selection one, so I'll do a quick run down on that one, just to give you an idea.

The first thing we need to get over is the apparent "sexism" of many sexual selection hypotheses. That is, the notion that males are competitive, and try to mate with as many females as possible, while females are choosy, preferring to mate with only the "best" males. This logic results from the fact that females have to invest a lot of time and energy in childbirth (nine months, and all the other stuff that comes with being pregnant for humans), whereas the commitment is far less for males. Also, once a female is pregnant, she can't get pregnant again until she's had the kid, so she'd better be sure she's getting the best bang for her buck, genetically speaking, that she can. Males, on the other hand, can just turn around and mate with a new female as quick as they can convince one to do so. This creates a dichotomy between the sexes. Males are competitive, females are choosy.

Now, moving on. Imagine you have a population of humans who have some degree of genetic variation in intelligence. Imagine also, that there is genetic variation among females as to how desirable they find intelligence to be in a mate. So we have intelligent males, and unintelligent males. And we have choosy females, and non-choosy females. So, obviously, the choosy females are going to mate predominantly with the intelligent males, and they're offspring are going to be both choosy, and intelligent. The non-choosy females will not really care who they mate with (at least not with regard to their intelligence), so their offspring will be closer to average intelligence, and not terribly choosy. The unintelligent males, however, will only really mate with the non-choosy females, as the choosy ones will reject them.

So, you see, in this model, the more intelligent a male is, the more mating opportunities he has. The most intelligent males can mate with the choosiest of females, and with the least choosy, while the least intelligent males can only mate with the females who don't give a damn how smart they are. So, being intelligent leads to having more offspring, which means genes for intelligence will spread through the population.

Interestingly (and less obviously), choosiness also spreads through the population under this model. This is because choosy females will mate with intelligent males, and as such their male offspring will be more intelligent. Those males also carry the genes for choosiness though, so their daughters will be choosy. And because those intelligent sons will be the best at reproducing in their generation, there will be an increase in the average choosiness of the females during the next generation. Thus, choosiness of females increases alongside intelligence of males.

Now, you may be thinking, "But wait! If intelligence is only valuable in males, and choosiness only in females, then why are women smart, and men choosy (well, at least to some extent)?". This is a problem. To my knowledge, however, all of the other candidate explanations either far less compelling, or running in to problems of similar difficulty. I believe that Geoffrey Miller, the leading proponent of the runaway selection hypothesis of human intelligence (he wrote entire book on topic, by the title of The Mating Mind; it may be worth a read if you're interested, although from what I've heard, it may be a wee bit dense for someone not well versed in evolution) dismisses this concern by stating simply that the genetics behind intelligence (and choosiness) must not be sexually dimorphic, so by selecting for more intelligent males, females were also bequeathing their daughters with genes for intelligence, and their sons with genes for choosiness.

It seems the optimal thing to do, from a strict cost benefit analysis perspective, would be to have genes for intelligence down regulated in females so they don't waste all that energy investing in complex, intelligent brains, when it could be better spent on reproduction (see what I mean about the "sexism" concerns; we have to be careful and realize that we're not passing judgements on what "should" or "should not" be, but rather what makes cold, calculated, evolutionary sense). Perhaps females had to be as intelligent as their male counterparts to be good judges of males intelligence when they were being choosy.......or something?

As you can see, I've delved quite far enough into hand-waving nonsense at this point, so I'll stop. This inevitably seems to happen whenever we try to figure out why humans are so gosh darn smart. It's an interesting question, but just not one that has a whole lot of really good, sound answers yet. And unfortunately, most of the hypotheses that sound reasonable, are also extremely hard to test.

Hope that...uh...helped.....

edit: I just realized that I didn't actually address some of your direct questions.

>Is human-level intelligence just an unlikely thing because so much has to go right, so it's surprising that even one species evolved to have it?

Possibly because so much has to go right (i.e. it is genetically very complex, and in many cases the mutations may simply never arise), but I think more importantly because it just doesn't seem to be all that necessary. Basically, all the really stupid animals do just fine. They have other strategies besides intelligence, and as long as they manage to reproduce, survive to reproductive age, reproduce again, etc., they don't need to be intelligent.

>Or are we simply the first of many, and we can expect to play chess against lions in 30 million years?

Seems doubtful, given what I just said above. Evolution is pretty much impossible to predict though (at least at the macro scale), so we can't really know.

Come now, I'm trying to engage you. Like this entire time.

ALL I SAID WAS HAVE SKILLS THAT CAN MAKE YOU STABLE AND HELP YOU HAVE A DAYJOB SO YOU CAN WORK ON YOUR DREAMS IN STABILITY.

Like I said that four times or something like that.

Over and over again.

Have skills people will pay for. Make sure you don't hate those skills but you don't have to have a passion for it. Work on your fun thing. It's unlikely to be the next Beatles because there's not enough brain space, but if it makes you happy, hobbies are great!

Somehow that came out

>NOBODY SHOULD EVER BE HAPPY. ALL ARE SLAVES!

Or something. I'm not sure how I could be more clear.

Anyone I know I haven't cited much here's an info dumb

http://www.amazon.com/The-Great-Stagnation-Low-Hanging-ebook/dp/B004H0M8QS Tyler Cowen is one of the World's best most sober economists. You should fall in love with him (even if he sounds autistic)

http://www.amazon.com/Race-Against-The-Machine-ebook/dp/B005WTR4ZI

Machines might be becoming substitutes instead of completments. This could cause problems even if we were socialists. We have no idea how to handle that

http://lesswrong.com/lw/4su/how_to_be_happy/ All the best happiness research in one post

http://www.amazon.com/Worthless-ebook/dp/B006N0THIM/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1334194677&sr=1-1 A good book about the economics of college degrees

http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiness-Hypothesis-Finding-ebook/dp/B003E749TE/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1334194701&sr=1-1-spell

Jonathan Haidt is sexy and cool and also a psychologist.

http://www.paulgraham.com/love.html How to do what you love only also be practical and not ruin your life.

http://www.paulgraham.com/wealth.html How to get fuck you money if you can identify a good start up and work that hard. (also finance

http://www.amazon.com/The-Black-Swan-Improbable-ebook/dp/B00139XTG4/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1334194849&sr=1-1 Why all the advantages of artists go to a few while most are forgotten because they have trouble finding a fanbase

http://www.amazon.com/The-Consolations-Philosophy-Alain-Botton/dp/0679779175/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1334194919&sr=1-3 How Ethical Philosophy can help with not having your favorite external circumstances.

Why modern therapy owes much of it's usefully to ideas generated by old greeks

http://www.amazon.com/Philosophy-Cognitive-Behavioural-Therapy-Psychotherapy-ebook/dp/B005TQU5KA/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1334194962&sr=1-1

So yea, I hope that made up for claims you find spurious.

Understand the reason why you procrastinate. It is not about self control. This article breaks open the one of the biggest underlying reasons why people procrastinate:

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/25/smarter-living/why-you-procrastinate-it-has-nothing-to-do-with-self-control.html

People procrastinate as a way of regulating their mood. Something about their condition or about the task they are procrastinating is causing them discomfort that they might not even be able to articulate, and procrastinating is a way of dealing with that discomfort in the moment.

One possible way to deal with this (not this specific thing you're procrastinating on, but the big picture) is that you may need counseling or to do other things to help your health to overcome depression or whatever hidden discomfort is causing you to procrastinate. I myself found that when I did not sleep well, I was chronically tired and depressed, but I didn't recognize it, because I masked it with caffeine. Caffeine doesn't give you the missing motivation back. It just keeps you wide awake and not wanting to do the things you need motivation to do. In a lot of cases, insufficient sleep is a major contributor to depression and anxiety.

I fixed my sleep problem to a large extent, using a weighted blanket, sensory deprivation (ear plugs and eye mask when I sleep), black-out curtains, blue-blocker glasses in the evenings, "dark room mode" of Flux (a screen dimming app for MacOS), and red LED light bulbs to light my room at night so I would actually get sleepy. (Now I just need to fix the schedule of my sleep; it's a work in progress.) That really helped.

Exercise also helps address depression, way more than I understood. See the book titled "Spark: the revolutionary new science of exercise and the brain".

When I reduced my depressive symptoms and improved my sleep, I felt a lot less prone to procrastinating.

Another great book on how to improve yourself and overcome things like procrastination is "Atomic Habits". This is a fantastic book. It explains that self transformation and improvement is not about revolutionary changes, but about establishing habits that get you a little bit of improvement but keeps you on a consistent trajectory of improvement. There's a lot of great stuff in there about procrastination.

If you can't seem to read books all the way through (a problem I had), try listening to the audio book while commuting. This has made a huge difference in my life. I actually finish books that I start now that I use audio books.

EDIT—

Of the various things that motivate people, fear only goes so far. After a while, concern over possibly ruining your life won't motivate you. I know this first hand, because I've procrastinated to the point of harming myself, and knowing that harm would come didn't motivate me to act. There is a much more potent set of motivators, and this won't be easy, but you need to find these and figure out how to view your work through these.

The most potent motivators are purpose, passion, and joy. In the grand scheme of your life, you need to find your purpose, develop a passion, and cultivate joy. There's an old parable about three men laying bricks who are asked what they are doing. The first one says "I'm laying bricks". The second says "I'm building a church". The third says "I'm building the house of God." Of these three, who do you think will do his best work and persist when the going gets tough?—The one who sees a grand, transcendant purpose in every brick he lays.

If you can't find a purpose in the task you are doing, step back. Some folks do boring work that is not rewarding in and of itself, but their "why" is their family. That is their purpose, and to provide for their family, they keep on keeping on. If you don't have a family, make a promise to your future self, and make bettering yourself your purpose. And if that won't do, seriously search for other work to do that you can get a sense of purpose from. I've heard of people who weren't responsible, but who got a dog or some other pet that then gave them a purpose, because that pet gave them joy, and they wanted a good life for this pet they loved so much. These are the stories where someone rescues a dog, but really, the dog rescued them just as much as they rescued it. Love makes all the difference here.

Think of something you take delight in, something that brings you joy, and if what you are doing can be thought of in terms of serving and pursuing this thing that brings you joy, the motivation from your delight may be able to help you overcome that heavy unspoken weight of apathy that causes you to procrastinate.

They aren't really uechi-ryu books, but here is a list of my favorite martial arts books:


[Karate-do My Way of Life] (http://www.amazon.com/Karate-Do-Way-Life-Gichin-Funakoshi/dp/1568364989/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1368043735&sr=1-1&keywords=Karate-do+my+way+of+life) by Gichin Funakoshi - definitely my favorite martial arts book. This is the autobiography of Gichin Funakoshi. He talks alot about the history and culture of Okinawa and karate in general. His life is clearly a prime example of the spirit of karate-do.


[Twenty Guiding Principles of Karate] (http://www.amazon.com/The-Twenty-Guiding-Principles-Karate/dp/4770027966/ref=pd_sim_b_2) by Gichin Funakoshi.


Basically anything by Gichin Funakoshi


[Beyond The Known] (http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Known-Ultimate-Martial-Classics/dp/0804834652) - More abstract. Presents some wonderful philosophical ideas about the unity of martial arts, the unity of spirit, and the higher purpose of the martial arts. Perhaps a better read for later in your training.


[Zen in the Martial Arts] (http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Martial-Arts-Joe-Hyams/dp/0553275593/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1368043973&sr=1-1&keywords=zen+in+the+martial+arts) - Everyone should read this once. It presents basic, but very important spiritual ideas relevant to the martial arts.


[Way of The Peaceful Warrior] (http://www.amazon.com/Way-Peaceful-Warrior-Changes-Lives/dp/1932073205/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1368044020&sr=1-1&keywords=Way+of+the+peaceful+warrior) - Absolutely fantastic (and entertaining) spiritual, development novel about a college age student seeking a higher meaning in life. Not exactly about martial arts, but the mindset and spiritual lessons are the same. I highly recommend this book.


[The Weaponless Warriors] (http://www.amazon.com/Way-Peaceful-Warrior-Changes-Lives/dp/1932073205/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1368044020&sr=1-1&keywords=Way+of+the+peaceful+warrior) - More of the mythical/legend type stories about many of the famous okinawan karate practitioners. None-the-less an exciting and entertaining read about the many legends of karate.


My top recommendations is "karate-do my way of life" by Gichin Funakoshi. My second recommendation would be "way of the peaceful warrior". Most of the books I recommended are not technique books. Honestly, I don't find technique books very useful. They have their places, but I think the spiritual lessons are better learned from books, and the motivation that can be derived is beneficial as well.

It seems that everything you talked about comes down to one thing: your self esteem. Being a happy woman is more about being comfortable with yourself than anything else. You can have whatever style you choose, but if your attitude shows that you love yourself, you'll pull it off and be spectacular. A book that has really helped me is Self Esteem by McKay and Fanning.

Just remember there's no one right way to be a woman or be feminine. If anyone tells you that you have to do your makeup a certain way, or dress a certain way to be "perfect," tell them to fuck off. :)

Also, use hand lotion to get rid of hangnails. I like Eucerin because it's very rich and has no fragrance. You can use it on your legs too, and that may help with the bumps you mentioned, if they are what I think they are. For your face, you may want to try a cleanser like Cetaphil, which doesn't foam up and doesn't dry your skin. I like to use an exfoliating pad like this. It's like a Buf-Puf, but it's a lot cheaper. I use the same lotion on my face that I use on my hands, but sparingly, and it's worked out pretty well. I have moderately oily skin.

If you want to change your clothes a little, you may want to consider changing one or two pieces at a time. What I mean is, instead of a hoodie with your jeans, you can wear a lacy camisole or sparkly tank top with a sweater. Or you could wear a skirt with your usual T-shirt. Or you could wear a T-shirt, jeans, and a pair of cute flats with some kind of neat detail. I'm a big fan of sparkly stuff. :P Check out places like Target, H&M, or Forever 21 for trendy things that you might like.

I really like your hairstyle. It's super cute. :)

Post 1 of 2:

Thanks for your post.

​

I too experienced some less than ideal side-effects from meditation (many actually, over the years), some of which have a similar feel to what you're describing. When I took the 10-day Goenka/Vipassana course, I was told that if adverse effects started, I should stop meditating. So I think it's great that you stopped meditating. That's a great first step.

​

It's impressive to me that you haven't reverted back to your original state (as in, it makes an impression on me; not that I think it's good). You must have had some very powerful meditations (and I see that you referenced that in some of your reply posts). So the good news is that you have some mana, or concentration power, that when used wisely will be a strong tool for you.

​

Also, this does not sound like the dark night of the soul, in which circumstance you would be advised to simply keep going. The dark night of the soul, as its classically understood, is much more understood to the subject. That is, the person experiencing the dark night is aware of the fact that life has lost meaning for them, and understands their negative emotional state to be a result of this.

​

What you're pointing to, anhedonia, aphantasia, poor long-term memory, stillness in your mind, dullness, etc. These are different symptoms, and they require a different approach.

​

I don't know what will work for you. But I can tell you some of the things that have worked for me and that have been advised to me. I can also give you my perspective on what's most likely going on. I'm (36M) a life-long off-and-on meditator, with lots of different experiences from the very intense to the very mundane.

​

What's Going On?

It appears that you've effectively suppressed various levels of mental and emotional activity. In your intensive samatha and vipassana sits, you've effectively QUIETED your mind, allowing you to hit very deep levels of absorption. You mentioned that you feel like you may have been into one of the Jhanas, or stages of absorption. That's neat. It shows great mental strength and power and capability.

​

What Is The Solution?

I believe you need to unwind it, to start *inviting* chatter back into your mind. It seems like you've already tried to do this, through simply not meditating. I'll list some other ways that have been recommended to me, what's worked for me, and finally, what my gut instinct tells me might work best for you in this situation.

​

At the basic level, you are looking for a major state shift, one which will allow that "spark" of energy back into your mind, and which will remove the dullness.

​

"Standard" Recommendations From Meditation Teachers:

Eat meat

Take cold showers

Exercise vigourusly

Masturbate to the point of orgasm

​

Things That Have Worked For Me:

Got married to someone who didn't believe in personal growth and eschewed all things spiritual for 10 years, focusing on career and fun, on "samsaric pleasures", on thrill sports, etc. Eventually, my thirst for meaning returned however...

Some Qigong, especially the still poses held for a long time can help to shift an undesirable state.

Some breath-work, including breath-of-fire, 4-7-8 breathing, etc

​

"Morning Pages" journaling, to kick start the creativity (this may be all you need to start getting creativity back...)

​

Ketamine treatment. Just started this recently, and Wow! It's like a physical re-set for your mental and emotional pathways.

​

Internal Family Systems therapy work. This book is a great starting place for one of the most powerful therapy systems out there, which you can do with a practitioner, a skilled friend, or even with yourself.

​

Somatic Experiencing therapy work, which is best done with a skilled practitioiner.

I'm pretty similar to you. Basically for me I've just had to accumulate a TON of strategies. Know that you need to try, but that many times you'll get very little done. You have to not let that get you down. But always try.

For me, my progress is very slow, like over a period of months. I did a month trip in May, and because I wasn't working, all my habits and productivity reverted to zero. I could only do very small things then, but I didn't get mad at myself for how pathetic it was. And by now, I'm way better, but still not where I want to ultimately be. One day at a time.

So I wrote a post to a similar thread a couple weeks ago about a lot of my strategies so I'll copy a lot of it here. This is a lot, sorry, and don't let it overwhelm you! Don't try to do all of them at once. Maybe for a week just try 3 of them. Consistency in the long run is better than a sprint now. So if you tried all of these right now and maybe did them all hard for like 3 days, you'll probably drop 100% of them in a short period of time.

Doing one or two of these, and not that well, is way better than doing none of them. You'll get better overtime.


__

Here's my post:



-starting is the hardest part. which is why habits help. Habits are what your brain does almost automatically. My brain won't freak out at first and give me a ton of resistance with habits, unlike normal things.

-I've been reading this book--ADD Friendly ways to organize your life right now and that helps. It's kind of geared toward housewives which sounds weird but I just apply it to my life and have gotten a lot out of it so far. Visualize how it will help you and write down plans, don't just mindlessly read it.

-chains.cc is a good way to track stuff. Here's a screenshot of how I use my chains. But don't start with as many as I have at first. Make it 5 MAX. Then overtime maybe add one more at a time if you want. Do it every day.

-the blog deep existence and the related book Mini Habits are good for that too. His book/philosophy are about making habits and goals so stupidly small, that you'll never not do them. His big example is the "one push-up a day" challenge. In reality you'll do more most of the time. But always do at least one. This could apply if you're a writer too, or anything. At least 50 words a day.

-Adderall and Propranolol help me too, but I don't rely on them a ton and even if I did, without a bunch of strategies they wouldn't be that helpful. Propranolol isn't addictive and doesn't cross the blood brain barrier so it's pretty cool. It's about lowering your body's natural anxious response, while adderall is the one that increases your focus. But again, if I'm not doing my strategies, I may just procrastinate in a more intense manner if I just took adderall.

-Cardiovascular exercise helps me! Doing it doesn't entirely fix my problems, but it kind of metaphorically flushes out my pipes when they get clogged. I'm running highish mileage 5 days a week right now. It helps break up my stressful day of tasks and my brain gets to unwind.

-use the pomodero technique. There's a good app called Phocus that is for this, but I bet there's a ton of other equally good ones. So basically it's 20-25 minutes of working, 5 minutes of break, over and over. Often, my brain is so stressed out and spazzy, but just turning on this app (and then putting my phone in AIRPLANE MODE while working) makes my brain get in the zone, and I may be able to work for like 90 minutes without a break, even when I should be taking my 5 minute breaks.

-before Pomodero, I do a "3 minutes, 3 hours, 3 days strategy" where I write down my goals for the next 3 minutes, 3 hours, and 3 days. Sometimes it could be better to do "3 minutes, 30 minutes, 3 hours". Whatever works best. picture of how I do it

-physically go somewhere else. For me, if it's something I can do in a library, I try to do it there. My brain is so much less stressed out. The "WHAT ABOUT THIS, WHAT ABOUT THAT"s can't happen as much because most of my stuff is at home.

-Block facebook/reddit/whatever. ColdTurkey also helps, it's more intense. Try taking actual long breaks from them too (shoot for 2 months). They make my brain way more spazzy and when I have good time away, I'm able to actually read books and have a more calm mind. Another thing to add onto these two things is using the SECOND of three methods here: http://www.wikihow.com/Block-Access-to-Your-Facebook-Account-Temporarily

-general ADD shit: using phone reminders and planners religiously. I simply won't remember something unless I write it down.


Good luck!

Thank you for sharing this! I mainly do it to hold myself accountable, but it is great to hear it is helping others in their projects as well. To be honest, this is the first time I have consistently worked on a project for more than a few weeks. Usually, I hit week 5 or so and stop. The thing that made me put together a good strategy for this project was reading the one thing by Gary Keller, Deep Work by Cal Newport Scott Young's Website and Scott had a top performer and rapid learning program that gave me a great roadmap for this challenge. My suggestion to you as you start your project again is to keep things as simple as possible so it will develop into an easy habit. That is why I started doing video updates, it was easier for me to do a minute video then type up an update. Do not fall victim to the rules that you create. I would also just focus on French or algorithms, evaluate which is more important to you, this was the hardest thing for me. I'm sure you have great aspirations to accomplish both, but you need to say No to everything else to successfully say yes to your #1 project. Good luck finishing :).

Here are all the books with amazon links, Alphabetical order :)

---

• Blue Ocean Strategy: How to Create Uncontested Market Space and Make Competition Irrelevant by W. Chan Kim et al. Link: http://amzn.com/1591396190
  
• Delivering Happiness: A Path to Profits, Passion, and Purpose by Tony Hsieh et al. Link: http://amzn.com/160941280X
  
• Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown Link: http://amzn.com/0804137382
  
• Founders at Work: Stories of Startups' Early Days by Jessica Livingston Link: http://amzn.com/1590597141
  
• How Google Works by Eric Schmidt et al. Link: http://amzn.com/1455582344
  
• Jab, Jab, Jab, Right Hook: How to Tell Your Story in a Noisy Social World by Gary Vaynerchuk Link: http://amzn.com/006227306X
  
• Losing My Virginity: How I Survived, Had Fun, and Made a Fortune Doing Business My Way by Richard Branson Link: http://amzn.com/0307720748
  
• Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die by Chip Heath et al. Link: http://amzn.com/1400064287
  
• Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck Link: http://amzn.com/0345472322
  
• Never Eat Alone, Expanded and Updated: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time by Keith Ferrazzi et al. Link: http://amzn.com/0385346654
  
• Relentless: From Good to Great to Unstoppable by Tim S. Grover et al. Link: http://amzn.com/1476714207
  
• Rework by Jason Fried et al. Link: http://amzn.com/0307463745
  
• Talent is Overrated: What Really Separates World-Class Performers from Everybody Else by Geoff Colvin Link: http://amzn.com/1591842948
  
• The 4-Hour Workweek: Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich by Timothy Ferriss Link: http://amzn.com/0307465357
  
• The Choose Yourself Guide To Wealth by James Altucher Link: http://amzn.com/150100994X
  
• The Difference Between God and Larry Ellison: *God Doesn't Think He's Larry Ellison by Mike Wilson Link: http://amzn.com/0060008768
  
• The Hard Thing About Hard Things: Building a Business When There Are No Easy Answers by Ben Horowitz Link: http://amzn.com/0062273205
  
• The Innovator's Dilemma: The Revolutionary Book That Will Change the Way You Do Business by Clayton M. Christensen Link: http://amzn.com/0062060244
  
• The Lean Startup: How Today's Entrepreneurs Use Continuous Innovation to Create Radically Successful Businesses by Eric Ries Link: http://amzn.com/0307887898
  
• The Millionaire Fastlane: Crack the Code to Wealth and Live Rich for a Lifetime by MJ DeMarco Link: http://amzn.com/B004BDOUAI
  
• The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph by Ryan Holiday Link: http://amzn.com/1591846358
  
• The ONE Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results by Gary Keller et al. Link: http://amzn.com/1885167776
  
• The Startup Owner's Manual: The Step-By-Step Guide for Building a Great Company by Steve Blank et al. Link: http://amzn.com/0984999302
  
• The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference by Malcolm Gladwell Link: http://amzn.com/0316346624
  
• Traction: How Any Startup Can Achieve Explosive Customer Growth by Gabriel Weinberg et al. Link: http://amzn.com/1591848369
  
• Unlabel: Selling You Without Selling Out by Marc Ecko Link: http://amzn.com/1451685319
  
• Zero to One: Notes on Startups, or How to Build the Future by Peter Thiel et al. Link: http://amzn.com/0804139296

I relate to you in every one of those ways. Accept safety. I always felt safe. But I never had a real connection with someone. Bad shame that led to addiction. Fear of rejection. Wasn't feeling the love. This was before I found Buddhism that I got myself out of it. So on the Karma bit. It doesn't matter. From a Buddhist perspective, you can't change the past. From a Non-Buddhist perspective. Well. Karma isn't important to think about here. What you need to take action, and do some intense emotional healing. Which is quite simple. Yet difficult.

But if you're still hung up on thinking about karma and trying to understand what all went wrong and what exactly could be wrong... Well that's complex, but easy nontheless. So it's the wrong path, in my opinion.

What's the right path?

It's the path that I took. Which may not work for you, but I'm going to lay it out anyway...
I was seventeen and was getting high all the time. I had "friends" I hung out with people. Occasionlly. But mostly played videogames. Life was seemingly pretty great. It's what all my friends were doing, it's what I'd done for quite some time. But things were just feeling off.

Upon investigation (on the internet) I came across a lot of things that I thought would make me happier. Y'know that Lambroghini in garage guy? I thought for sure I was going to buy what he was selling, but that was just a phase. Then it was Reading. I was going to read the shit out of everything. Afterall, my family would approve of that. Yet still. No happier. Still smoked weed occasionally.

Anyway I hopped and skipped around different hobbies that I thought would make me happy. But then I found JP Sears on YouTube. That guy makes sense. Lots of sense. I don't think he's Buddhist. I don't think it matters. I think you should watch all of his everything. But if that's a bit daunting, at least try his video on shame. Best of luck m8. I promise there's some light at the end of the tunnel, just keep digging.

Edit: I'd also like to mention that you take a big first step when you find out that you have shame, and not much love. Then a bigger step to admit it. So. Yea, I reckon 2016'll be a good year for you. It takes courage to get of shame binds. But when you look back, it almost seems like it takes more courage to sit in that pain for so long.

Also, here's more good stuff. This is John Bradshaw. He wrote a book. 10/10 would reccomend.

As others have mentioned, listen to professional advice, but I wouldn't ignore the advice of others with ADHD either.

I think one of the hardest things is really coming to accept that you have ADHD, and that you are not 'normal'. It's so important not to think of the difficulties that we face as our own laziness, or telling ourselves that we have no willpower. One of the most helpful thought exercises / metaphors to deal with this, that I've been told to use is thinking of someone with an amputated leg:

Imagine your good friend has lost the lower half of his leg in a car accident. Obviously, he'll have a very hard time completing certain tasks that would be easy for other normal people, like walking, running, participating in sports, etc. This isn't something you would hold against him as a personality fault, AND with the proper prosthesis, he'd be able to enjoy those same activities.
With ADHD, we have difficulty with organization, attention, executive functioning, time management, etc. This is not a character trait/flaw you have a disability that causes this. This doesn't make us lazy, we're not broken or helpless either. Instead of a prosthetic limb, there are methods to compensate for our difficulties. These include medication, routinizing good habits, doing work with other people present, getting a coach, therapy and other things. Some may work better or worse for you. Medication usually has a very noticeable positive effect, but not for all of us.

For you right now, I'd say inform yourself about ADHD, I'd recommend this book: ADD Friendly Ways To Organize Your Life I got it for organizational reasons, but they also give stories of people that they've helped, and so many times listening to their stories I just kept on thinking, holy shit, the problem's this person are having, this is EXACTLY like me. That really helped for me to really acknowledge the validity of my diagnosis, in a more tangible way. They really talk about organizing on the strengths of someone with ADHD, so acknowledging that we are great at doing thing in quick spurts, I think their line is we are sprinters not marathon runners.

This is going way longer than I had intended so I will end on this: with your psychologist, if you're planning on seeing them regularly on an on-going basis, make sure that there is a particular goal that you're trying to achieve by going to therapy. Whether it's getting in shape, eating healthier, finding a creative hobby, or cutting down on the time you spend on reddit, make sure you have a goal, and your pscyhologist can even help you determine those goals.

Oh, and improper sleep habits GREATLY exacerbate my ADHD symptoms, so going to sleep at a reasonable time, and making sure I get enough sleep is essential for me if I want to fell more alive, and satisfied with myself. And exercise is great too.

If you haven’t done so yet, have look at r/adhdwomen (I highly suggest reposting there too) and r/adhd. I also highly recommend this book on ADHD in women by Sari Solden.

Honestly, I feel you! I really do! I understand how overwhelming the situation might feel for you. Am I wrong in saying that the clutter around the house just adds to your mental clutter? Does it make it almost impossible for you to relax? For me, at least, that’s exactly what it does. And you what, you did everything exactly right. You had your ADHD addressed and took charge of your treatment! You not only relied on medication, but you used all the non-medication tool at your disposal to learn the skill that you may not have had. Really, you did a fantastic job!

Have you discussed ADHD with you husband? Does he have a good understanding of what it is and how it presents in you? Have you explained how the state of the house is difficult for you to deal with? Having a supportive partner is very importance and it can make a huge difference.

While I agree that most of those things are your needs and that it should be up to you to address them, the care and maintenance and cleaning of the house isn’t only your responsibility. It’s yours and your husband. The list that you carry in your head constantly is what we refer to as the mental load. That one isn’t an ADHD thing, it’s a women thing. It seems that we’ve been socialized to carry it, while men haven’t, and this can make things even harder for women with ADHD: we are not good at organizing, starting and completing tasks, etc. Even with medication, it still requires more effort and work than it should.

I have been having a similar problem with my husband recently (his therapist also strongly suspect he has ADHD — which is not helping). The difference between us is that he doesn’t carry the a mental list, and the fact that things aren’t done or done to 80% doesn’t bother him. It also doesn’t add to his mental clutter and prevent him from relaxing, like it does to me. So, right now, I’m completely mentally exhausted, which makes it even harder to relax. But, we’ve agreed that, when I come back from my much needed vacation later this month, we’ll sit down and come up with a system. For me, this system
needs to have items that will become entirely his responsibility and these items will have to have “due dates”. By them having due dates, I won’t have to ask him to do them. Also, note that his items will be done on his schedule, not mine. So, if something is bugging me on Tuesday but I know it’s to be done on Thursday, I can deal with that.

We’ve also agreed that we’ll give this system a chance until after the Holidays. If it doesn’t work, then he has to get over the discomfort at the idea of us paying for a cleaning service! I will not keep exhausting myself over this.

One more thing, you talk about asking your husband to help you get your kids on a routine and making sure the follow the system you’ve put in place. I cannot stress how important that part is. Like it or not ADHD is genetic (at least in part) and there’s a good chance one of your kids might have it. Routines and systems are ESSENTIAL to ADHDers. They are life savers! But, even if your kids don’t have ADHD, these are great skills for them to have. In any case, having them follow a routine and stick to the systems will be a huge help to you. You’ll know where things are, when things need to be done, and you won’t spend your time looking for backpacks, folders, coats, etc.

I found the following book to be really useful on integration; almost the entirety of the last third of the book is dedicated to integration.

Another reddit user on this forum, 'liquidrome' has made some interesting points about integration; namely the idea that in his view one of the most potent methods of integration is to 'go for a long walk in a forest, around a lake, and to listen to the same music playlist I used for the session. This evokes the material from the session again, and integrates it into normal waking consciousness. Often this walk will also bring up more feelings and continue the healing process — sometimes more powerfully than the session itself.' Here's a [link] (https://www.reddit.com/r/mdmatherapy/comments/d1d861/getting_worse_after_taking_mdma/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) to one of his comments on a post where he explains this in a little more detail (it's his second comment on the post) . I've read a few of his posts and comments and whilst I may disagree with some of his views on maps, he has undergone 100s of psychedelic therapy sessions so I personally value his opinion highly in this area even though it doesn't come from a book. I personally haven't tried this method yet and as I haven't had a session since I came across it but I intend to try it following my next session.

Here are a couple of other books I've found super useful in general for psychedelic therapy.
 They also talk about integration, although integration isn't a main focus:

[Psychedelic psychotherapy] (https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0963009656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_1jUDDbX3B0XE3) - I made a post about it here. Honestly one of the most useful books I've read in my life. It's very much a practical guide to me on to how use psychedelics to heal from trauma, rather than many other books in the arena that appear to focus on why psydhclics can heal from trauma.

Internal family systems - I'm reading this book at the moment, and being someone who doesn't have a background in psychology its been super useful so far for understanding my mental landscapes, in a way that a layman like me can understand. This in turn I feel will help me to navigate my defences and other elements and psychological concepts that come up in my experience, and thus help me to heal efficiently and integrate effectively.

Hope something in this post is of help. Good luck on your healing journey :)

There's nothing that I consistently read or write every day that's always worked, but there have been a number of things over the years and decades that have become consistently useful to me, and that I always seem to go back to in one way or another.

Journaling, or any kind of writing. I'm not dedicated enough to do it every day, but it's rarely a bad thing. It's also interesting to go back to old writings years or decades later- some of it is still inspiring and useful, some of it is crap. All of it is my history, and that's not a bad thing.

Not really something I've read or done, but supportive online communities have helped me for years in different ways. The very good ones are not only supportive, but kindly call me on my bullshit, and steer me away from navel-gazing into positive action.

There have been a lot of books that have helped me, that I always go back to. I'm not religious, but I've found a great deal of help in reading some authors that are based in a spiritual tradition. When Things Fall Apart is not only a standby when I'm in crisis, but often has helped to clarify my thoughts and feelings about a situation or period in my life, and find constructive ways to move past it. Dark Nights of the Soul has also been very useful. I'm female, so Women Who Run With the Wolves has also been very useful, inspiring, and comforting at a lot of times. Create your personal sacred text has also been useful to me in terms of journaling- it has nothing to do with religion, but a lot to do with spirituality.

About the only daily thing that I've done for a very long time is to get the Inspiration Peak daily mailing, and Gimundo's good news daily update. Sometimes they don't speak to me, some days I find them annoying, but usually it's a good thing to get at least 2 positive pieces of mail a day. And I'm rarely too far away from the Serenity Prayer...at the moment it's on a sticky on my desk, on my fridge (the dinner hour here is chaotic), and posted in my bathroom (bathtime for autistic children can also be stressful). "The wisdom to know the difference" is always something that I struggle with, so it never hurts to have a reminder :-)

You can certainly support him in this, but you can't do it all.

His primary doctor or oncologist should refer him to a psychologist or social worker or to an integrative care specialist who can can do the same. They can point you to programs and classes to help people facing illness handle stress, e.g., meditation, yoga, etc. Anti-anxiety medication like lorazepam can be pretty effective.

Also, he should consider joining a cancer support group. There is something about sharing with other people going through similar things that is very powerful.

If he is actively religious then you may want to speak to his clergy person. You can do this even if you are not religious yourself.

You can do your part by simply being there, listening, and not judging or correcting him. What he is feeling is part of a natural process. In fact, it is a healthy sign that he is sharing his fears with you.

Some specific books that you may want to take a look at both for yourself and for him include:

• On Death and Dying, by Diana Kubler-Ross creator of the Five Stages of Grief model
  
  
• When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron. Has a Buddhist bent to it, but you don't have to be Buddhist to benefit from the wisdom. She has an audio book version and I find her voice to be very calming.
  
  
• The Last Lecture, by Randy Pauch. You can actually watch Randy Pauch's "Last Lecture" on youtube. Have some kleenex handy. Many feels.
  
  Those are just off the top of my head. I will let you know if I have any other ideas. Both my parents died from cancer and I went with them through it pretty much every step of the way.
  
  Make sure that as you go through the process of helping your father, you also take care of yourself. The more mentally and emotionally centered you are, the better you can help him. It is like when they tell you on the airplane to put on your own oxygen mask before helping a child put on theirs.
  
  Peace and good wishes to you.
  
  Dan
  
  EDIT-fixed a link

It's my pleasure, and thanks for being willing to share some of your dreams! ❣💭

My first instinct is that the house, at least in the first dream, speaks to some feelings about growing up with your mom. But it's just as likely to be about your family as a whole, and yourself in relation to them. The age of yourself in the dream indicates that this is about lingering effects of the younger you's experiences. The woman selling the house may represent parts of your mom's psyche. The subconscious tends to add an additional character for each part of someone's personality that it wants to illustrate.

Bathrooms are where we tend to our most private (and sometimes unpleasant) business, and in dreams they usually represent much the same thing. The things we don't want anyone to know or see, and aren't a part of our public persona. So it's possible that there's some family drama that was kept under wraps, or aspects of your family's life that were kept from you, or some other form of private pain that you haven't properly processed and healed from. It might be pain that you experienced as a child, and felt like you shouldn't tell anyone.

Looking out a window typically symbolizes your view of the world, or in this case, the way you looked at world in the time of your life that this dream is meant to illustrate. The broken down amusement park seems to say "Joy is gone." The colorful, abandoned houses may be "colorful" parts of yourself that you lost when you were younger, or "colorful" parts of your family life that were ruined somehow. The fact that your family is happy with the view, unaware of your feelings of dread, makes me think that you are the one who "died" in private, murdered by the stranger who might still be in the house. The fact that he might still be in the house suggests that your pain felt inescapable, and maybe still does.

The attic represents your highest thoughts, which often means spirituality. Forgotten or undiscovered parts of a house is a very common dream metaphor, and it means that there's a part of yourself that you've lost touch with. The childhood friend and her family are probably parts of yourself that you lost when you were a child, and stopped "spending time in" this part of your spiritual life as a result. It's very powerful imagery, and it's more hopeful than it probably feels within the dream! There are "hidden rooms" within all of us, just waiting to be enjoyed again. They've just been boarded up with pain we aren't ready to face again.

Please don't feel discouraged by the darkness of these dreams... It's not indicative of anything you're doing wrong, or not doing well enough. I keep recommending this book for precisely this reason! It's helped me to understand that each and every "bad" self within us isn't even bad, it's just a defensive Bodyguard self that is protecting a wounded little Child self. Children need to be able to express their feelings and receive unconditional love and support, but when that inevitably fails to happen, a little piece of that child remains stuck in those bad feelings, and a Defensive self develops to try and stop you from reliving that pain.

As with any dream interpretation, this one is subject to my own projections and experiences, so I want to stress that you are the best interpreter of your dreams! If any of that resonates, awesome, and the things that don't quite feel right are your subconscious telling you "That's not it.. Keep thinking!" I find that by pondering the interpretations that do feel right, and then thinking about them in relation to the parts that are still confusing me, things start to click into place and make sense overall.

Please don't hesitate to follow up with questions, other dreams, etc. I'm truly happy to help however I can 😊💕💕💕💕

Don't be so hard on yourself! You deserve kindness, especially from yourself :).

As for fashion, that's a mother fucker for tons of people myself included sometimes. Luckily for people like us, there are those out there with a huge passion for fashion. /r/malefashionadvice can be pretty good, but don't let them break your bank because hobbyists tend to not look at price tags as often as people not into it. There's tons of people on there that really do love helping people find things that work for them, not just what's popular or what they like.

Working out is a bitch, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I've taught martial arts for years, and when you fall in a lull of practicing its hard to get back into it because a broken routine is tough to rebuild. Now if you've never done any kind of routine, it's challenging but you're more blank canvas. It's habit building so you'll have missteps but as long as you forgive yourself for messing up and keep going eventually you'll come out the other side pretty strong. Just remeber you're also breaking the habit of not working out for years and years, so naturally you'll have inner resistance against this one, it's like quitting smoking. It's persistence that'll help you through it.

Hobbies and interests, there's tons of shit to do there and there really isn't a wrong choice. I would say though, don't choose something that has limited demographics, you want something with wider appeal that both sexes do. If you want to combine working out with a hobby you can always try things like rock climbing, biking, hiking, rowing, etc and join clubs for them so you'll meet people who are in them and can help you. Don't worry about being bad or physically underwhelming, you'll get better in time :).

Most of all, you have to want to make these changes. You have to recognize that you'll slip up here and there and forgive yourself for it while also staying determined to continue. You'll have excuses for why you can't do things but you have to be able to fight against yourself, as you're your biggest opponent. I mean I deal a lot with extreme depression and procrastination myself, so I'm far from being the perfect model in doing everything right, but I refuse to allow myself to quit.

A good book that will help you, if you're generally interested in working hard on yourself, is Mastery by George Leonard. It's main focus is fighter pilots and martial arts (as he taught both) but it really is about self development, the pitfalls and successes, and how these things can lead to fulfillment.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0452267560/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1510882339&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=mastery+george+leonard&dpPl=1&dpID=51fl2RxTBjL&ref=plSrch

There's also a good CGPgrey video on being miserable, habits to avoid. It's a quick watch and a good start on things to analyze in life.

https://youtu.be/LO1mTELoj6o


Truth is there isn't a 1 size fits all answer, it'll be a combination of many things, but you can do it. You weren't made lesser than others, you just have to want it, and if you don't fake it until the lie becomes reality. You can do it if you force yourself to, and I believe in you :)

First of all, for technique/practice, consistency in the woodshed is key. My daily routine is very repetitive, to the point that it is incredibly boring. But the improvement is so amazing, that I'm still excited to do it every day. I also kill the monotony with something to occupy my mind, usually either a sitcom or reading material, once I had the routine down.

[This is my daily routine], which takes about 90 minutes if you go nonstop, at the tempos marked (which will take some time to work up).

Secondly, your performance anxiety should be addressed. My professor in college had a required course for the whole tuba/euphonium studio called "Performance Anxiety: Understanding and Coping."

I had some mild anxiety then, but the class helped. The class was almost 20 years ago, but here's the largest takeaways:

• Perform as often as you can in front of an audience. If you have a weekly student recital class like larger schools of music do, sign up as often as you can prepare something. Start with easier solos, and work your way up.
  
  
• Read these books, which were the required reading of the class:
  
• • The Inner Game of Tennis (There is a music version, but consensus is that this is still far superior)
    
• • Effortless Mastery: Liberating the Master Musician Within
    
• • Zen in the Art of Archery (Very short read, can be done in the same day)
    
    Two of the three texts are not music books, but are read by students of just about every single discipline and apply it to their area of study. They will take years to understand on new levels, but you should be able to get some immediate results and understanding of your situation.
    
    As I got older, I've found the best way to quiet those nerves is to overprepare for anything. My teachers used to say "an amatuer practices 'til he gets it right; a professional practices 'til he can't get it wrong." When I'm in a position where I know I cannot screw something up, I actually enjoy the performance, butterflies and all. And I've been in some very high stress situations, with fewer train wrecks each year. This takes some massive time management, but it definitely helps. I usually set a goal to be "performance ready" a few weeks out, so I can do some very picky polishing of the performance.
    
    This is a lot more than I thought I'd say on the matter, but there should be a lot here to help. Happy shedding!
    
    Edit: After perusing the other comments, it looks like you might have a difficult professor. Sounds like you should sit down and decide if he's helping or hindering your progress. To be candid, I never really think of a trombone player being very good for tuba students. Maybe some pedagogy, but there's enough differences in the two instruments to warrant a specialist at the collegiate level. Great euphonium players can teach tuba, just as my best teacher was a tuba player, but they both doubled strongly on the other instrument. Unless your professor can be considered a professional tuba player to some extent, you might need to find a different school to finish your education.

uuu uuu one I can help on...
u/wmfj I'll add in a lot of details here.

I have been meditating now for about 5 or 6 years and have worked alongside Theravada Buddhists to better understand my practice. Meditation is not about exploring your feeling as much as it is about helping you form new habits. That is what the Eight-fold Noble Path is all about, good habits.

The goal of meditation is to help you be “mindful.” To slow your mind down and focus on the here and now. So think about “right speech.” This is just an example for illustration purposes; I am not saying you are doing this. While talking to some lovely lady you begin to realize you were negative about something and it is turning her off. So you make an adjustment. Developing the habit of not speaking negative about things is a priority but first you have to realize you are doing it and then slowdown in order to stop it and be more thoughtful of what you are saying. This is the essence of mindfulness and Buddhism. It takes time to achieve everything that meditation should achieve, and everyone is different. So how long it will take you to benefit is really up to you.

The guided meditations on this site were used on studies that helped people deal with anxiety and a lot of other issues. The breath and the loving kindness mediations are the ones that are best to start with.

http://marc.ucla.edu/default.cfm?id=1

Personally, I do prefer this one though, it is more in line with the original Pali

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

One of the best books on meditation is Mindfulness in Plain English.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003XF1LKW/ref=oh_aui_d_detailpage_o00_?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Exercise will help too, both to impress the ladies with a hot bod and with social anxiety. Once you get over social anxiety and learn to go with the flow, meeting people will become more and more natural, to include women. This last part is what I have been working on the past year as far as my self-improvement plan and it is paying massive dividends. Not that I’m getting laid on the regular but I know I am getting closer to what I want which is a long term relationship.

I think you all the other advice here has you covered especially u/bunilde. Good luck

Hey, I'm the author :)

I really appreciate your comment, it's both insightful and charitable. But, I will only admit to half the accusation. Everything I write about dating is 100% true as far as I can see it, but it's not 100% of the truth.

For example, I don't talk a lot about demonstrating high status to women even though it's a critical part of relationship success and somewhat unfashionable to talk about openly. When I express skepticism about things like pick-up and "game" I'm not lying, I actually think that while those approaches work on some women and for some form of relationships, they're counterproductive for people like me.

On the other hand, I did stand up for a while and performed at comedy festivals. And I always brought women I was dating to those, because making a room full of people laugh is a powerful demonstration of my intellect and status.

The reason I don't write about it isn't that I'm afraid of "mass society" so much as that those subjects are actually much harder to write about, and I'm less confident in what I think I've figured out about them. I think that the simpler advice that I'm giving is more immediately useful to a lot of people, even if it's incomplete.

One day I'll read The Mating Mind and write the post you're looking for :)

>I agree with you here. So does this mean you disagree with TRP's stance on this topic?

I've never been one for towing the party line.

> Interesting. I still don't really get it honestly. women are emotionally trained to place responsibility for their feelings onto their partners? What does this mean, and what leads you to believe that?

There are 2 parts to this. One is well explained by Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langley, and is also it's a common criticism feminism makes of popular culture. Society conditions women that marriage or a relationship with a man will make them happy. That they need to find the right guy who will complete them (the implication that without a man they are incomplete). This is bullshit of course, no one can make anyone else happy. You have to learn to be happy yourself.

The second part is that while society conditions men to be stoic (avoid and suppress their feelings) girls are taught to over identify with them. Women who aren't emotionally whole often surrender to their feelings, rather than simply accept them, while understanding the distinction between their being and what they feeling in any given moment.

TRP accurately observes that women end marriages (and probably relationships) more than men, but concludes falsely that this is because women cannot love the way men can. In reality, it's the combination of what I described above. Women enter into relationships thinking that will magically make them happy and they will feel whole and complete and loved. When this doesn't happen because it was never realistic to begin with, they begin to feel sad, anxious, and often angry. While a man would probably bury these emotions until he explodes (or becomes depressed) women both act on them and blame their partners due to how they have been emotionally conditioned.

>There is an huge amount of psychological evidence to support this assertion, and anyone who has spent any time working on emotional healing and therapy will quickly see that I am correct.

Here are some links, but these are books not easily digestible articles. The important thing to understand is that core emotional problems are the same amongst all people. It's the external expression of that pain that is often gendered. Reading about the difference between NPD and BPD will shed some let on this.

Women's Infidelity

Facing Co-Dependence

The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion

Healing the Shame that Binds You

Healing Your Aloneness

Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Towards Self-Realization

>I don't really see what this has to do with gender. Both partners need to feel that expression of love. Dread Game actually seems to be based around purposely withdrawing love and affection, which seems irreconcilable with the idea of unconditional love.

What tends to be gendered is the preferred expression of love (love language). Different people need and express love differently, and sometimes couples don't have compatible styles of showing affection. In cases where one partner will not work on the issue, that partner is withdrawing their love. I agree that dread game is not compatible with unconditional love, and I don' think I ever said it was compatible.

Find an interest and find others with that interest and join groups that support that interest. Hiking groups, dog walking/dog park groups, meetups, etc.

You may not be a church type (I'm not) but join a church just for practice. I do enjoy Quaker meetings, that's a progressive group. There are progressive churches if you look (assuming that's to your tastes, if not, it's easier to find conservative places). Quaker meeting is also good.

I (an introvert, check out /r/introvert, it helped me) like meditation and there are Buddhist Vipassana groups around the country and these groups are often filled with non-monastics types like me and they are very welcoming. If you let me know what city you are in I can find one.

If you are brave enough, Toastmasters is good.

Perhaps volunteer at an animal shelter. Volunteer somewhere.

Reading books can help. Books on self-esteem from your library or Amazon, like this one by Matthew McKay can help. Self help books helped me a lot.

More power to you!

I'm currently dealing with long-distance support of my mother, who ALSO has fibromyalgia, and now a dementia diagnosis. It was suggested long ago by a therapist (but not confirmed by any testing) that I likely had ADHD, but that I'd developed some fairly good coping. I didn't continue seeing that therapist for very long (yay for losing insurance at the time!) so it wasn't something I pursued very far, since I felt like i was mostly coping.

How much help are you getting with your grandfather? If you aren't getting any help right now, can you GET any help? Depending on what his needs are, if you are in the US, Medicare will pay for CERTAIN types of SKILLED in-home healthcare. They won't cover just someone to do light cleaning, meals, etc.., but there are programs that can do specific things if he has diabetes, or dementia, or other issues. I'm just now learning about this now, myself after getting referred to Encompass Health Even if he isn't qualified for something that Medicare would pay for, and you just need some non-skilled (I dislike the term, but it means non-medical, basically - they can't do things like help handle pills, etc..) home health care with bathing, or even light housekeeping and meal prep for your grandpa, you may be able to deduct some expenses on his taxes.

I find that making lists help. Make a list of what you NEED to do and what you WANT to do in a day. Now prioritize it. Go ahead and assume that you aren't possibly going to do all of it. Make sure to do some of the stuff you NEED to do and at least one thing you WANT to do each day. Given all we've got going on, that can be as simple as making time for yourself to take a relaxing bath with some epsom salts, which can help some of the muscle aches.

Sometimes it helps to make the above list for a week at a time instead of a day at a time. Spread the tasks you need to accomplish out for the whole week. Grocery shopping on Monday, Laundry on Wednesday. Put something lighter in on Tuesdays and Thursdays so that even if you're doing something you need to do, it's now something less draining.

If you can afford help for certain things, pay for someone else to do it! House cleaning leave you drained? Having someone in twice a month to do the "deep cleaning" (like really scrubbing the tubs and showers and mopping the floors) can really make keeping up with the rest of the house on the other weeks so much easier. If you can't afford help, following a program like FlyLady can help break things down into smaller chunks, as well as helping you stay organized and on task.

Is cooking a task you just don't have time for? Consider high quality frozen meals. My town has a small, local company that prepares their own brand of frozen meals. It's more expensive than cooking for myself, but on the days I'm utterly wiped out it's cheaper and healthier than ordering take out, and it definitely tastes better and is healthier than your typical grocery store frozen meal. Also consider prepared foods from your local grocery store.

Edited to add two things:

If you aren't sleeping, please see a doctor and let them know. No one really wants more pharmaceuticals in their life, I know, but my mom's recent diagnosis and all that goes with it, really pushed me over the edge in anxiety and not sleeping. I was given a low dose of trazadone which can help with depression, anxiety, sleep and pain. I've been sleeping SO MUCH BETTER, and just sleep alone is enough to help with my pain.

Secondly, if you haven't read it, I found the book "Women with Attention Deficit Disorder" by Sari Solden very helpful.

:-) Please please please please read this amazing book I just read: Loving Bravely by Solomon

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Bravely-Twenty-Lessons-Self-Discovery/dp/1626255814

I can relate to a few things you talked about, and I think this book will be really enlightening for you. It totally changed the way I look at love and relationships...and I've read a ton of self help books on the subject.

Also, I will be reading Attached by Levine and Heller soon, so I can't vouch for it yet but it sounds really good.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1585429139/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RFSRGW1TF3Q83SJY4Z6K

You may have some "attachment items" you may want to consider and reflect on that may give you insight into your relationship patterns. This book would probably help a lot with that. Hope this helps! :-)


Also, nothing has helped me sort through my romantic relationship issues more than exploring my personality type through the enneagram. Check out

Super comprehensive book on all the 9 personality "types":
https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Enneagram-Paths-Greater-Self-Knowledge/dp/1938314549


More of an easy read:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0062510266/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=F0M8XBW924976HC0FJ9A



Easy read, and relates to enneagram + relationships:

https://www.amazon.com/Are-You-Type-Yours-Relationships/dp/006251248X

I was going to ask whether you were Mormon, or had grown up Mormon. I grew up Mormon myself, and it's now 15 years after leaving the church that I'm realizing that there are still some latent issues I carry from growing up in the religion.

Your own experiences are yours to explore with compassion for yourself to get to what might be the underlying issues behind your compulsions / "addictions". It won't be easy, especially where your wife is an active member. If your experiences are like mine, you'll be happier and healthier when you find your own voice with respect to who you are, what you believe, and how you want to live your life... and I'm confident that you'll find the compulsions around porn simply fade away without much specific attention given to them as you grow into yourself outside of a Mormon identity.

I might suggest a book to help you move down the road a little: Healing the Shame that Binds You. It did a lot for me. Taming Your Gremlin also was a good read.

Individual therapy helps a lot too - and it may take you a couple tries to find the right one for you. Group therapy might help as well. Explore different things! There's no prescription here.

Don't rule out revisiting medications. I took only Lamictal for a long while, and recently added an antidepressant (Latuda) - which has helped.

AND be nice to yourself!!! Try to look at things objectively, removed from the shackles of religious (aka moral) understandings of porn and masturbation.

Journal everyday by putting pen to paper - just word vomit - get everything out of your head you might be internalizing - you'll know when to stop writing, something will just 'click' - look at your thoughts written down on paper - just observe - no judgement - let's give the negative critical thoughts a little less power - is there a specific voice where these are coming from? - some specific church leader? - just give him a "seat at the table" so to speak, a table you might sit around like at a Thanksgiving family gathering - just let him run his mouth - you DON'T have to listen to him - take his power away - treat him like a crazy aunt that's always spouting bullshit - just tune this person out - find your own words of encouragement - be your own best friend - what, after all, would an ideal best friend say to you - he certainly would not have horribly discouraging things to say - he'd probably just chuckle and confess, "everyone masturbates and looks at porn from time to time - let's get out of the house and go for a walk."

You've got what I call the 30s depression...Office Space perfectly illustrates how many men feel in their 30s...

Fight Club gets it...

If you aren't in the gym lifting weights, I'd highly recommend it.
>I see them move from their offices to their cars and on to their suburban homes. They stress out constantly, they lose sleep, they eat badly. And they behave badly. Their egos run wild; they become motivated by that which will eventually give them a massive stroke. They need the Iron Mind. Through the years, I have combined meditation, action, and the Iron into a single strength. I believe that when the body is strong, the mind thinks strong thoughts. Time spent away from the Iron makes my mind degenerate. I wallow in a thick depression. My body shuts down my mind. ~ Henry Rollins, The Iron and The Soul

I know how you feel, we all do...a month off is a long time, especially for those who never get that amount of time off. If you can travel somewhere for a week or two - do it (go overseas, Thailand, Japan, Brazil, etc).

I've always believed everyone needs three things to be happy:

1. Someone to love - that's why we are here, being over 30 makes this even more difficult I know, just keep your mind open and don't waste any opportunities. We are social animals, spend time with friends and family if that's possible.
   
   
2. Something to do - this can be anything, upping your skills for a job (programming, math, reviewing old college text books, studying up on ASME, ASTM standards, etc), exercise (weights, yoga, running), learning a new language (Duolingo can be fun), anything you can think of! Having something with measurable goals can help because achieving something, anything will improve your mood and well being. Just remember - idle hands are the devil's workshop.
   
   
3. Something to look forward to - this can be a vacation (always planning that next vacation gives me a boost), a birthday, an event coming up...anything that you are truly looking forward to! I also link this to hope a little, we all look to the future so it may as well be a bright future. Like I said before, travelling solo is great, you're always on the go, you've got lots to see and do and you can meet a lot of people if you plan it right (check out r/solotravel) and stay and mingle in areas with other traveler's, especially solo travelers (like hostels).
   
   I'd like to recommend two books to help you out, Atomic Habits and Stealing Fire if you're interested in self improvement.

Your ex-boyfriend sounds like a jerk. He's clearly not ready for a serious relationship, and that has no reflection on who you are as a person. It was probably easy for him to chock it up to your ADD because you're so worried about it. Either way, if he couldn't deal with who you are, then you should be thankful you're not still with him... that would lead to such a miserable life! A good partner will be patient with you and supportive with what you need help with. I've found that the less I try to hide my ADHD, the more confident I feel. If it's an immediate deal breaker for this guy, then good thing you're finding out now! Get out of that!

In general, just be honest. Try not to conceal stuff about you because you're worried they'll go running. They most likely won't, but if they do, then you're not wasting your time on someone who's not worth it.

From personal experience, I'd say try to meet as many dudes from an online dating community that you can. Go on lots of dates! Then you'll get a lot of dating "practice" and gain confidence. Dating a few people at a time allows you to clearly see whether or not this person is good for you, instead of becoming attached because he's the only guy you're seeing. Doing that allowed me to really see which guy I had real chemistry with, which ones seemed a bit forced, and made it really easy for me to stop seeing men who clearly weren't good for me.

I highly suggest reading this book. Seriously. Buy it now on amazon, even if you don't have time to read it yet so you can have it when you do. It goes into great depths about an extensive amount of issues that women with ADD deal with. It's very empowering. It will probably touch on a lot of issues you aren't even aware are associated with your ADD. It talks about both platonic and romantic relationships, and a bunch of other issues that probably are playing a role in your dating life. Right now I'm having a hard time articulating why I think you should read this book, but I genuinely feel like it will help you a lot. In this aspect and others in your life. (Also, it's written for people with ADD, so it's easy to read and everything's divided into chunks).

Oh I typed all this for you my dude but these dastardly bullies caused you to delete it.

​

Hope it benefits you or another ENTP stoner:

​

What caught my eye was the Myers-Briggs test: I also (usually) test ENTP. Just wanted to say I think the Reddit subs seem to do it a serious disservice:

​

A) It is a management tool. It is not meant to enable some rando's life as a lovable eccentric. You should be shoring up the weaknesses it shows, not jerking off to how creative you think you are (not that you can stop yourself amirite? Ha!), and

B) It is not a tarot card reading of your soul. I get profiled regularly, by professionals, using whatever method is in vogue at that moment and while I absolutely see the value in the tests, it is limited, it is contextual and it will vary over time.

​

It is not so much "revealing" your personality as a prediction of how your behavior will manifest in a given context. MB being particularly general. For example, all my ENTP result tells me is that RIGHT NOW, I likely have too many projects going on and/or am managing my time poorly.

​

So based on your results, I would recommend you get out of your comfort zone and focus on active productivity exercises. Far from being something unsuited to you: they are likely just what you need. Anytime I dial this in tight, my life has a night and day improvement.

​

7 Habits is the granddaddy of course.



Unchained Man has a great time management system. Actually he refers back to Covey's 7 habits and explains why and how he updated the principle for a digital era. The rest isn't "bad" but its pretty standard 4HWW/TRP/Digital nomad type stuff. You could literally read Chapters 8-11 and get a great deal of benefit.

​

4HWW fuck I hate this book. And it's probably dangerous for lazy fucks. But Ferriss has nuggets of good advice on productivity and time management.

​

More conceptual reading:

Do the Work;

The War of Art;

The Power of Habit;

Rework;

On Form - some tips, although heavily weighted to glorify salaryman life;

One Minute Manager;

Extreme Ownership has helped a lot of dudes here. Personally I despise wading through the military waffle for two or three pages of content but the message of owning every aspect of your life and not accepting low standards from yourself or others is good (Hint: that means after you quit weed, (after a reasonable interval) you can and should expect your lazy wife to too).

​

Corporations have invested a great deal of time and money in training me but honestly most of the valuable things I implement are on that list.

​

Atomic Habits is on my current reading list. Check out this post (and comments) with some concepts from it.

Yeah I'm not a huge fan of tests at all. They usually somehow come up with how you behave in a vacuum, which doesn't get to the heart of the Enneagram: your deepest motivations. Two different 4s may act completely differently, but have similar motivations. I don't think I have read the book you're referring to, but I would warn you to stay away from descriptions that don't take instinctual variants (self-preservation, social, and sexual) into account.

Beatrice Chestnut and Sandra Maitri are, by far, my favorite Enneagram authors. The two "biggest" people, Riso and Hudson, move away from what the Enneagram is really about and their descriptions are kind of larger-than-life (ex: 7s are always go go go without rest, can't stay at home for 24 hours, and have no self-discipline, whereas, realistically, 7s can find stimulation in many non-active things such as their imagination and they may not even always seem "busy" in the conventional sense - they can be "on" and "off" just like anybody else; 2s are just "helpful" whereas, realistically, they mold themselves to be lovable based on what they perceive others to find lovable, so they may not try to be "helpful" at all, depending on who they're around). Chestnut and Maitri also give good descriptions about how different instinctual subtypes within a single Enneagram type can make people so different, while their "overall" descriptions encompass each type's motivations pretty well.

Sorry that I rambled, but I hope that this helps. I'd highly recommend reading all of this book before deciding on a type for sure. You can get a free trial on Scribd and find it there, or you can buy it. There are also excerpts from the book found on the Internet for each individual subtype, but I cannot recommend reading the whole thing enough.

The mind is a very powerful tool, and your perception of the self becomes who you are. If you keep thinking of yourself as the outcast, 'the loser', then it will slowly manifest. It bleeds into your body language, tone, behaviour, and eventually becomes who you are. You begin to misperceive things as reinforcement of those beliefs, and your ruts become deeper grooves.

I used to say 'I hate myself' on a regular basis, everytime I 'fucked up' socially or if I didn't do what I wanted to do, 'I hate myself'. Everytime I thought back to a cringy situation, a bad joke, a moment of panic, 'I hate myself'. At first it was jokingly, but eventually it took root. The day I realized that my mantra 'I hate myself' was no longer empty words, was the day I realized how powerful the words we tell ourselves become. So from that day onwards, everytime I caught myself saying 'I hate myself', I rewrote it 'I love myself'.

> 'Human beings are strong because we have the ability to change ourselves.'

Love yourself like your life depends on it is a good short read. 'Be confident, love yourself' may seem like empty words, they did for me when I felt similar to you do, but literally keep saying them to yourself, every single day. Replace 'I'm a loser, I'm an outcast, I'm a burden' with 'I'm great, I enjoy being social, I bring a lot of value' and they will eventually take root, and they should because you deserve it. 'Be yourself' is terrible advice, like really bad lol, I won't go into why here. But anyway, everytime you catch yourself thinking negative things, notice that, recognize it's just one of your ruts, and reframe it.

Changing your self image is not a day's work, it's a long journey to change, but that does not mean you shouldn't start. You won't have to wait years to see progress, everyday is a step closer. The beauty of the long journey is that with every step forward you build the foundation that becomes unshakable. As much as you feel you can't escape now, is how sturdy your foundation can become when you build a positive self image. It wont' always be progress forwards, another great read here.... There will be setbacks, but see them as moments to build strength. In fact, strength is not lost during these moments, but is gained because of them.

Play more in public. Volunteer to play at church, or for a nursing home. Perform for your family, your friends, your classmates.

The thing is, performance anxiety and nerves don't just go away. As you get more experience performing, you get more used to them, to the point where I've heard (and read) professionals talking about how nerves are that extra little spark that makes a performance more special than a rehearsal - in other words, their anxiety doesn't disappear, it becomes a part of how they perform.

Now, all that said, there are things you can do to help you cope with the side effects of nerves on your playing. If this is something you're serious about tackling head-on, I highly, highly recommend tracking down either Performance Success or Audition Success by Don Greene. Perhaps see if your local public or college library has a copy or can borrow one via interlibrary loan before buying either one yourself. Two other books I see recommended a lot (that might be easier to find at your local library) are Zen in the Art of Archery and The Inner Game of Tennis, both of which have valuable insights that can be applied to performing. (The is even an adaptation of the latter called The Inner Game of Music, but I don't feel it adds much to the original.)

But yeah, the best thing you can do overall is to find and create more opportunities to play for more people. Force yourself to step outside of your comfort zone often enough, and you'll find it soon becomes comfortable. We've all been there to some extent!

I got diagnosed at 34, also after reading about ADHD in women on my own first. Before then I always thought it was depression/anxiety (which was real at the time, but looking back probably caused by the ADHD).

Getting diagnosed was relatively easy (am in the Netherlands though). I went to my GP, he referred me to a clinic that specialises in ADHD, they did a 20 minute intake by phone first and after that a 3 hour assessment with me, my parents and a friend. (There was some waiting involved, so it took about 3 or 4 months).

For managing the symptoms, I always tried to just 'be better' so I did have some coping in place already but medication helps me so much. I thought they'd give me more energy so I'd be able to power through all those boring chores I suck at, but when I take them the chores themselves seem less complicated/horrid, so I don't need to motivate myself for a few hours first before I start.

Don't get me wrong, I still need to decide to get up and do things, I can easily take my meds and spent the whole day playing with the Sims if I chose to, but when I decide to be productive they make all days feel like my former 'really good days'.

If you want to read more, Sari Solden has written a great book aimed at women with inattentive ADHD and she talks about dealing with an adult diagnoses and the problems you might have now because you didn't spot it sooner.

Also, /r/ADHD is a really nice supportive place and there's a good balance between commiserating and people sharing the things that work for them to make things better.

> What was it like to go your whole childhood not knowing you thought differently than some people only to find out in your 20s or 30s that you did?

Well, I didnt know that I was different. Looking back - I absolutely was. I just thought 'this is life' and thought everyone was like that.

I was lucky that my parents (who, especially my mum, have the opposite of ADHD) set a strict structure. On Saturday we could tell what we would eat the rest of the week. Dinner always on the same time (on the minute almost). There was much freedom next to that, but they gave me the basic organisation and structure, because they are like that themselves.

Next to that, my high school was very structured as well. I had continious days that we spend in a space to do homework etc (hard to explain in a few sentences - it was a good system).

I was chaotic, but was lucky enough to grow up in a very organized environment. I could kinda laugh about my chaoticness. That was me! And I got legitimately good grades so zero issues here either.

I didnt realise how much I take structure from people. Walking around by myself I am stressed out - with someone else I am perfectly fine. I am quite inactive - but I will join others.

I was also lucky here that ADHD doesnt hinder me socially. I can have completely normal conversations. I dont interrupt, I am not tactless, I rarely ever have arguments (and the one time I had one people still remember hahah). I do speak fast, but articulate clearly. I only have trouble staying in touch with people, but having groups of people helps here.

So I thought: I enjoy being around people!

And I do! But I never ever realized how much I needed them, to tag along. To follow their schedules and structures and organization. To have the constant social pressure to do things. How much I relied upon them for my self worth, in a truly unhealthy manner.

My struggle is that I am/was very 'hypoactive' - much trouble making from a thought an action when there is no instant reward. Procatination, inability to start things! Why brushing teeth? Cleaning room? Why start an essay now? No instant reward - so I dont do it (I obv rationally know the answer ;). People watching indirectly gave a 'reward' - meeting their expectations (everyone opens their book to study - me too!) / no one critiquing me (you should brush your teeth!) (I cant handle critique). And I am impulsive - yet not risktaking - for things with instant rewards. Hyper, but internalized. As a kid, I would put on and of my shoes with my feet constantly at school - bothered no one. I make 'micromovements' - small movements of my fingers, toes, muscles in legs and stomach. This way I create 'patterns' both with and without the outside world. (it doesnt make sense at all haha) Inattentive - I always miss exits etc. I cant set structure for myself - therefore I tagged along with people as well (pure need here, nothing to do with 'rewards'). If I dont know exactly what to do, I have no overview, I cannot create it, feel lost and do nothing. Trouble starting everything, untill the deadline is there. If someone tells me: do A, B, C about topic X, I will do it. Even if I find it and, legitimately is, boring. If it is: do something with X, I am lost, lost. And end up doing nothing.

How more freedom I get, the more I struggle.

(I think I would have done well in a commune orso! Everything together always!)

So, yeah, at Uni I got much more freedom and it went wrong. Loads of stress to get through it - but viewed it as normal. Everyone was stressed! Looking back, really could not get out of it what I wanted. Could not pinpoint the cause. But I did start to realise something 'was wrong' with me. But I never looked into it. Cause what should I look into exactly? I didnt know, and no reward, so I did nothing. Final thesis I couldnt struggle through it anymore.

I didnt realise how much I relied on people to A) set structure and B) 'reward' me (and unrelated to ADHD: C) for my self esteem). I didnt understand why I couldnt do it - what was wrong? I did realise that what was wrong had always been there, it was not new. Just bigger. And I didnt get how I had ever dealt with it. I was paralyzed to ask for help - because A) requires action with B) not just 'no reward', but negativety! Critique! And I couldnt deal with that - at all. I was always busy doing what I thought people wanted, because I needed the reward. I was pretty good at it! But I also never learned to deal with critique. Or how to ask for help. Cause than I had to show what I was always hiding: the chaos I was in. My inactivity when I was alone. My procastination.
(Edit 2: perhaps more fear of rejection ? !)

I felt shame, shame, shame and guilt. It is/was crippling me, severely. In a way more than ADHD itself.

In the end, but it took loonnggggg, I couldnt escape it anymore. I had to come clear. I hated it. And to my surprise (although I should probably rationally have known it!) the people close around me helped me. Supported me. Weren't angry. Were instead worried. (I still have to go to the Uni though.) I am still tearing up typing this. And it made me realize that so many people care so much about me and want to support me.

What made me realize that I have trouble with self-accepting. And actually a too low self esteem, that is too much based on the validation of people. But also so lucky that I have those people!

It also made me question: for who do I do things? What do I like? Who the hell am I? Now typing this out this sounds very desperate hahah and thank god it doesnt feel that severely - I do in general know what I want and like. But I should really learn to take care of myself for me. To activily do/read/make things alone because I like them.

Went to a psychologist, didnt help at all. I didnt know the cause, and she didnt get it out of me.

Had talks with parents, in which I said 'I do everything from chaos. And I was able to just get enough out of it to paint a picture to the outside world. And I have always done that, but I cant anymore'

They came up with ADD, and, well, that was me. Not everything, but a l o t. Especially the concept of the secret life of girls with adhd (mostly the concept though - I dont selfharm/am not addicted/and I am social) The book women with ADD, from Sari Solden, was like my diary. This was me. I cry a lot with each chapter (so I havent finished it yet - maybe things appear that are less me) because it is so confrontational reading my life back - I realised how hard things had been for me, and that apparently wasnt normal. How I had struggled. How I had ploughed through everything. Without ever asking help. How I had shame and guilt internalized to the very max.

I got tested a week ago and I have it. The medicines help, they really do. They give me self-control. I am not perfect in any sense - but they do give me control over myself. I now do things without reward immediately, just, wow. WOW! I had no idea. It activates me and at the same time gives me peace, limits my internalized hyperactiveness and impulsives. The 'rewards' people give, I dont need anymore. I can do things for myself solely, without stress. I can walk around alone! What a life do non ADHD people have ;) It is both a revelation and a liberation.

I still have a long way to go. Sometimes I feel intense sadness/grief. About ADHD, but also about secondary things that it caused/were in me (low self-esteem, shame, guilt, self accepting). And sometimes intense happiness! I have finally identified the problems I have! And I immediately have gotten tools to work on them! I am excited to continue this journey. To get myself on the rails and discovering myself more. I think I will be able to express myself more, for me, in actions. Become more independent. I am seeing a lot to get through still, but I got tools how to do it, there is a solution, the future is now bright.

Edit: didnt realise it was such a long read! And sometime slightly repetitive. But it helped me to write it down :)

Edit 2: I just looked up the top post and wow, that is basically what I was trying to explain! This is the description! and this is the link to the article

If anyone wants some reading material on this topic, let me know. This kind of thing can be really hard to overcome and damaging to relationships.

Edit:

Hi people! I received a lot of responses about this. I feel bad for not responding earlier, but I was busy, and feeling guilty is part of my own thing that i need to work through. When people talk about this problem of “pleasing people,” what they are often really talking about is shame-bound systems. It might not be obvious at first, but ask yourself, what feelings would you experience if you weren’t trying to please others? What would it say about you if you were just trying to do what makes you happy? What feelings are you trying to get away from when you think about this? In addition to the books mentioned by /u/alpinejonny, I recommend the following:

More on the academic side:

Facing Shame, by Merle Fossum and Marilyn Mason

This is a classic book written for therapists about people in shame-bound family systems. I recommend going here if you want a deep understanding of how and why families create cycles of shame, one manifestation of which is “people-pleasing.” It’s an older book, but it’s still an important one.

Shame and the origins of self-esteem, by Mario Jacoby

Mario Jacoby is an influential Jungian analyst. This book is expensive, but I really recommend taking a look at this book’s table of contents to see how in-depth it is. Amazon’s “look inside” feature has a lot of pages from this book available online, and you can click on table of contents sections to see more information about that section. It might have a lot of the info you need.

More mainstream:

Reinventing Your Life, by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko

Despite the ugly cover and horrible title, this is a really, really solid book based upon schema therapy. This book covers a wider range of schemas or “lifetraps,” so it is appropriate for many people. It can be eye-opening. I would definitely recommend it, especially the chapters on vulnerability, dependence, abandonment, and defectiveness (shame).

Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown

Brown is a leading researcher in the field of vulnerability right now and has down a lot of interesting qualitative work in deconstructing the concept of vulnerability, which is something we must experience if we are to say ‘no’ to our people pleasing tendencies. I’m not the biggest fan of Brown’s mainstream writing personally (I’m more on the dense/academic side of things), but her key points are dead on and her writing works for many people. I really appreciated her famous TED talk when it came out.

Healing the Shame that Bind You, by John Bradshaw

I haven’t read this one, but I have heard really good things. Again, Amazon’s look inside feature is helpful here. A lot of the book is already online.

Hope that helps! Other users have been recommending to me books about codependency. I haven't read any books about codependency specifically, but I can see that being super helpful.

> Why wouldn't they? Impregnation is the goal.

The outcome is not a decision. Not every human copulation results in impregnation.

> Animals fuck to get impregnated.

You're giving animals too much credit to suggest that they have sex to create offspring. They have sex because they feel compelled to have sex. There is no evolutionary reason why any animal would need to comprehend the outcome of mating.

We understand the outcomes, but it doesn't change our inspiration.

> They would absolutely come back for seconds when they realized they found a strong, virile, alpha-male.

Human like to have sex with people we find attractive, but will probably will be less inclined to do so again if we find it unsatisfying. The way we view things now is a result of our evolution. We didn't just suddenly become intelligent and detached from the evolutionary forces that shaped us.

If you're interested in this topic I'd highly recommend The Mating Mind by Geoffrey Miller. I'm reading it at the moment. I just finished the chapter on why humans have sex for longer than other animals, and the link between sexual pleasure and sexual selection. It compares a lot of theories and creates a pretty convincing picture of how it all fits together.

the 10X Rule by Grant Cardone (https://www.amazon.com/10X-Rule-Difference-Between-Success/dp/B005DGW34C) is almost exactly what I am saying in this conversation.

The One Thing by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan (https://www.amazon.com/ONE-Thing-Surprisingly-Extraordinary-Results/dp/1885167776) is a good one for how to achieve massive results, I feel like it also mentions why you should always set larger goals than you THINK you can accomplish.

The Miracle Morning by Hal Erod (https://www.amazon.com/Miracle-Morning-Not-So-Obvious-Guaranteed-Transform/dp/0979019710) is a decent one that touches on the concept but is more about motivation and structuring your day for success and things like that.

If I think of any others and remember, I'll come drop them here, need to go look at my bookshelf / todo list of books when I get home :)

Tons of books (honestly almost every success or wealth book I've ever read) talk about changing your mindset from "I cant" to "How can I" - Rich Dad Poor Dad and Think and Grow Rich come to mind.

Look OP, this situation is awful, and only you can improve it. School sucks, and kids at this age suck so first come to terms with the fact the people picking on you are trying to deal with their own emotional, or physical problems (puberty, problems at home, etc.). Now work on understanding that they see you as someone they can take their discomfort out on, making fun of someone/taking their stuff is easy to do, and everyone knows how to do it. It let's them feel empowered when they feel so powerless elsewhere in their lives.

You've gotta take a few steps, the first of which is working on yourself as an individual, both physically and mentally. Begin by starting to exercise regularly, regardless of your physical condition currently, you need to FEEL physically strong, and this will bleed over into your attitude towards others as confidence and power. You aren't getting strong to beat these pricks up, you're doing it for yourself to know that you have the inner strength and discipline to make it happen. I'd also suggest incorporating yoga into your exercise routine as it will help you with both internal and external balance, as well as your mental well being.

Now we'll move onto the mental side of things. The physical portion is going to help you 'balance' yourself a bit, and it's a good outlet for these emotions, but you need to work on your people skills. Maybe you're an introvert, maybe you're the school jock who is just a nerd, maybe you're a goth kid, whatever. It doesn't really matter what group you fall into, because your interaction with others is all that matters. Your first step should be to read: http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671723650 , this book is badass and will help you see things from other people's perspectives, as well as help you understand them, and think before you speak. That shouldn't take more than a week to read through. Once you're done there, then read this: http://www.amazon.com/Mastery-Keys-Success-Long-Term-Fulfillment/dp/0452267560 , another amazing book about helping YOURSELF.

Ok, so you've been working out, playing your Vita at home (seriously, stop bringing it to school, only for the sake of avoiding permanent damage for the time being), and reading those books right? Your next step is to talk to these little fucks. The principal won't stand up for you, and in the real world, no one is going to stand up for you but yourself, so you might as well get used to it now. It is up to you to approach these individuals, not to harass them, not to bully them yourself, but to simply talk with them.

Ask them why they feel the need to do this, pass on the inner peace and knowledge you've attained so far, and don't make them your enemy, make them your ally in improving as human beings together. Share your books with them, discuss how you apply simple understanding in every day life. Most importantly just listen to them. Maybe their home life sucks, they might be jealous of you and your device because they can't get one, or their parents would destroy it.

You have to be a sounding board OP, not a complainer, not a whiner who goes to others for help, but someone who approaches the situation calmly, coolly, and with a level head that sees it from their perspective. Is it a lot of work? Fuck yes it is, but is it worth it? I can assure it it is, meaningful interactions with people have gotten me further in life than anything else I've done.

And if they don't want to discuss it and improve themselves? Well, you tried, and that's all you can do.

The Derek Scott videos get a huge huge vote from me! I recommend starting this playlist of several 20-minute-ish videos he made called IFS For Therapists.

Yes the name sounds sort of confusing, cause we're not therapists, but it's the best video description of IFS I have found.

Also Jay Earley is a therapist who champions the idea that IFS should be done on your own. He believes that 1) this will give many, many more people access to help and 2) the IFS process is simple and formulaic enough that pretty much anyone can do it without a professional. He wrote Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy which is specifically designed to do on your own.

For full disclosure, I haven't read the book yet, but I probably will if I ever hit a wall. Even my therapist agrees that she doesn't need to help me with IFS, though she supports me doing it and is always happy to hear about my findings.

I'm sorry life's hit you with a bag of bricks, man. But honestly, you're in a pretty good position right this second to give yourself a good launchpad into a better life.

It definitely sounds like your ADHD never went away. When you noticed they stopped working, did you tell your doctor? The first couple meds I tried didn't do a damn thing for me, but the one I just switched to seems to be helping a lot. You really need to experiment to find one that works.

You also are fortunate enough that while yes, you do have some debt, you have some college experience, which is better than just a GED (especially if you spin it well). You also have a job. And you have a job with which you sound like you have some time. Instead of sitting there thinking about the bad, find something you want to learn or do that you can do with the down time. Learn to code. Learn to design. Learn to write. Learn to do anything that you find enjoyment in.

You're also young. I know how hard it can be when you're depressed to think it'll never get better. I thought the same thing when I was a teenager who had some very dark thoughts. But it really does, but only if you want it to. If you sit around and just focus on the negative, you'll miss out on the positives, and waste time not creating MORE positives.

You say you're good at reading people. Would you want to go back to college, perhaps become a therapist/psychologist? Focus on your strengths.

From this post, it really sounds to me like you'd benefit from getting a therapist and a psychiatrist for your ADHD and Anxiety, among other things. Work with them to set specific, achievable goals. And don't even waste time thinking about "the system". "The system" is a silly concept that people use as a scapegoat when they don't to face whatever issue they're facing. No one is out to judge you. People are far too concerned with their own lives (and worrying about other people judging THEM). No one will view you as attention seeking. They'll see it as a sign that you're working toward self-improvement. And if they really do see it as a negative, then they're not the kind of people you need in your life.

I'd also recommend you read the book "Way of the Peaceful Warrior". It really is a life changing book, at least for me. It helps you learn to not only appreciate life for what it is, but teaches you about yourself in the process, even though it's a novel.

http://www.amazon.com/Way-Peaceful-Warrior-Changes-Lives/dp/1932073205

The big point to take away is, you're not alone at all in your situation. Many people feel similarly at one point in their lives, and they go on to lift themselves out of it. But you have to want to. And it sounds like you do. So do it.

I'll also point out this resource in case you get low, /r/suicidewatch is, from what I've been told, an extremely helpful and supporting community.

You might find meditation worthwhile. There are many forms of meditation, my favorite is Vipassana or "awareness" meditation. You pick something as your focus, often it's your breath, but it can be other things like walking, archery, even dancing or art. The gist is, whatever you are doing, DO THAT. As stray thoughts come into your mind, notice them, and let them go.

Say you're focusing on walking, feeling each lift-move-place. A random thought comes in, you notice it and label it "Thinking", and let it go. You might find yourself judging yourself for not being able to focus, so just notice that: "Judging," and let it go. By cultivating mindfulness and a level of detachment from stray thoughts and emotions, you gain that time to process new information more skillfully, and things don't seem as intense.

It's not forcing thoughts out of your head, nor clinging to them. It's just letting them go.

The Experience of Insight is a great book on meditation and Buddhist insights.

Way of the Peaceful Warrior is also worth a read, and Peaceful Warrior is actually a good movie too.

Here is a scene from Peaceful Warrior.

Any standard GP should be able to help her try a different anti-depressant. Her fatigue may be a sign of atypical depression which could help guide medication choice.

Some evidence-based non medication based interventions include that are easy to acccess:

Cognitive behavioural therapy

• Beating the Blues Online free counselling programme, requires GP to give you access. NZ based.
  
• Sparx NZ designed 3D role playing game that counsels you.
  
• MoodGym Free Aussy online counselling programme. There is also E couch and MoodJuice
  
• For a book I recommend The happiness trap. Not CBT but a related one called Acceptance Commitment Therapy which is also effective.
  
• For face to face, this will depend on her and what kind of person she wants to open up to. If you don't have a good connection with the counselor it's a waste of time. Therefore it's difficult to make a blanket recommendation.
  
• If she works at a large company they may have "EAP" (employee assistance programme) where you can normally get free counselling.
  
  Meditation
  
  
• Calm website Free Auckland uni based
  
• Headspace Not free but pretty good. There is also a free trial.
  
• For face to face, there are plenty of courses around.
  
• For a book I recommend mindfulness in plain English
  
  Exercise
  
  
• Shown to be effective. No links other than proof http://www.cochrane.org/CD004366/DEPRESSN_exercise-for-depression
  
  And remember, in a crisis call 0800 800 717 for 24/7 urgent mental health help.
  
  Source: am a doctor.

Do you happen to have pointers to resources which fathers can use to teach this?

Heck, does /r/MensLib have any pointers to recommended dating advice? The Resources for Men Guide in the sidebar has some tips for building healthy boundaries and communication in a relationship, but not yet anything on how to start dating. Should it? What would people recommend?

Would anything I linked to in my 9-comment attempt at giving someone advice be useful? (I'd be interested in feedback on what this community thinks of any piece of my advice)

--------

EDIT: the resources I linked to as being probably-helpful were

• Thing of Things' review of Models by Mark Manson
  
  
• Charisma on Command
  
  
• Thinking Fast and Slow which is more abstractly useful.
  
  
• Rejection Therapy, which I've not actually tried per-se.
  
  
• What Every Body is Saying
  
  And I recommended the film Dumplin for a particular scene and for being good in general. But I hope its worth reading the context of what I wrote...even if it is ...long...

Man, you really did a great job seeing clarity in this and encapsulating something incredibly similar to my experience in the early years and even today.

Like you, exactly in fact, I waited TWO years without a relationship. Prior to meeting my wife and taking that two year break I was always in multi-year relationships with very codependent women (I realize now, looking back on the cutting, INSANE neediness, suicide threats, etc etc.. that they were likely were pwBPD or heavily traited.. seemingly more than my wife in some ways or spectrums). I waited two years, focused on myself. Grew out of debt, made a good career, got in really good shape, felt GOOD about myself and no longer lonely while single. I finally thought I was ready for a healthy relationship- but I was wrong. I picked someone and married them after 3 years, it wasn't until the first day of marriage that the red flags lined up or got so extreme in the more binding/intimate relationship that I could see I picked another woman not unlike my exes.

I found myself desiring quoting many parts of your well written account to respond to.. I won't do a line by line, but understand that I and many of us can deeply relate. This stuck out to me though as something I must:
>I yelled at myself in the car, "fucking break up with her dude you need to do it right now". But my reality, my identity, my hopes, and my dreams somehow became intertwined and bonded from this woman.

The part in bold is where it's at man. Insightful of you to see it when you did. I think that is where the hooks to guilt and longing remain. I'd like to ask you, when you were with her, did she do things or say things that if you were watching it play out as a third party, you would be shocked the man did not explode, get angry, walk away from the relationship? Those were clues to me in myself that I had myself slipped into codependency. In truth, to 'make my marriage work' my wife demanded codependency of me, she would rage and abuse to heightened extremes otherwise, while divorce threatening. She didn't 'make me' though, I chose it. What I saw looking closer and it took me much longer than you, was that my identity had become intertwined with a woman that wasn't real. Or at least who doesn't always live in the same reality as me. You recognize your guilt. For myself I would say it was even tied to what I quoted of you, that my identity itself hid or defended core shame. That was what tied me there, the lynchpin I pulled myself into codependency at her beckoning. That core shame was exactly the reason, when if watching as an invisible and objective third party, I would see a man who had his emotions bound- who didn't get angry when he should or walk away when he needed to.

You aren't broken. You aren't lost. You aren't bad. You aren't weak. But you are human. It's okay to be hurt, it's okay to have and feel feelings, it's healthy to get angry or sad when you should be, be offended by something done entirely to offend and hurt you..

I seriously suggest that you find a good therapist. You also aren't crazy, but they are helpful, I go to one myself. Our goal is to get to a place of balance. To come to accept ourselves exactly as we are today (that takes genuinity and vulnerability) to break down any denial that may be hidden from you as to your identity or any remnants of shame. If you base your opinion and view and identity on 'what you do' then people like her will be able to (or rather you will go along with people like her to) get dragged into these unhealthy relationships, not quick to leave when maybe you should, and perhaps likely to accept what is to you unacceptable behavior. Rather than basing your self-worth on 'what you do' I suggest honestly accepting, knowing, valuing, and loving 'who you are'. That is the thing that really helped me to heal and unbind my emotions. To not need to be 'more than' human, because I could never be anyone's savior or fixer or martyr. There was no reason for me to keep breaking my back to bend over a little farther for their neediness and emotional soothing and it was only ever, at best, counterproductive.

I highly suggest the book 'Healing the Shame that Binds You,' it was incredibly helpful to me on the topic you posted about.

I'm sorry if this comment reads kind of weird, it's a hard thing to talk about 'shame/guilt' and a different way of accepting yourself, but I truly feel like those were the gravity holding me onto my cognitive dissonance in codependency, trying to save a person from themselves, and wait for 'the woman I loved' to come back- when she never existed as I knew her if I had truly accepted her and myself as we really were at all times.

A few thoughts to get your mind going:

1. Could it be that you see more news stories about successful men, but only notice the one's about women? It's a common bias, and once your brain is "aware", you will likely seek out, and tend to find, the articles about female entrepreneurs vs. males. When everyone is wearing a black tux, the person in the Hawaiian shirt tends to stand out.
   
   
2. Life isn't a meritocracy. I used to believe some of the same things you do. Then I started listening to stories from friends who were women, or of a different race, or with disabilities. And then started observing their interactions with others. You'll notice that not all people are treated equal. For example, let's use your brother's landscaping company. Almost every landscaper I've ever met is a male. Even with noble intentions, wouldn't you be a bit thrown off if an all female crew showed up at your door? Would you begin to ask yourself questions about how they got into landscaping? Do you notice how these questions don't happen with the all male crew, because its just "background scenery"?
   
   
3. Personal anecdotes hit closer to home and tend to sway your feelings. You are very close to your brother, so you feel it more when his business doesn't get the same attention. You've got skin in the game. If it was your sister, you might have posted the opposite argument about how her business never gets noticed.
   
   
4. The small trend you've noticed might not be indicative of the bigger picture. When you live in a safe area, you might not think crime is a big problem. When you live in Chicago, you might think its worse than ever. In this same situation, you might be in a community that values female entrepreneurs more, or that has a bias towards their stories in the local newspaper. It does not mean this experience is shared elsewhere.
   
   I hope that helps jog your brain a bit, I find empathy and asking the right questions tend to help me understand the world around me better, especially when my own biases get in the way.
   
   Edit: Here's a great book that explores a lot of cognitive biases and explains the points I made much more eloquently. https://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Not-So-Smart/dp/1592407366

Are you getting any treatment aside from medication? If not you might want to combine your medication with ADHD therapy/coaching and/or focus on developing coping skills.

There's this mindfulness for ADHD workbook and also this Cognitive Behavioral Therpay for ADHD workbook. I haven't used them but they look like they might be useful.

The book 4 Weeks to an Organized Life with AD/HD was very helpful to me when I read it several years ago. The second half of the book is a 4 Week program that gives one simple task a day to help build skills to cope with ADHD (you don't have to read the first half of the book, you can just do the program). If you choose to do this, you might want to ask someone to help remind you to do the daily exercises and be your accountability buddy.

As far as reading goes, I find that writing a paragraph summarizing what I read right after reading helps me to stay interested in what I'm reading. I would guess it might help with other hobbies too.

Its basically a book about Zen and similar philosophies. There are however some funny scenes in it like that one, because one of the principles is that a warrior should fully embrace not only death but life, which includes finding joy in the smallest things. The idea is that a "peaceful warrior" is one who lives life to the fullest with integrity and honor. Similar to /r/stoicism in a way actually.

The first book (linked below) was far better than the second IMO but they are both good.

https://www.amazon.com/Way-Peaceful-Warrior-Changes-Lives/dp/1932073205

Its never a waste of time if it is what you enjoy doing.

One of my favotite books that got me started a few years ago was The Slight Edge: https://www.amazon.com/Slight-Edge-Turning-Disciplines-Happiness/dp/1626340463

Its a really easy read and It is pretty cheap now. I think it could really help you.

Here are some of the online sources that have helped me. You probably know some of them already.

https://www.schoolism.com/

https://www.proko.com/

https://www.nma.art/

Actually Noah Bradley wrote about the $10 Ultimate Art Education here with more resources linked :

https://noahbradley.com/blogs/blog/dont-go-to-art-school

https://www.wattsatelier.com/online/ is my favorite and Jeff Watts has an awesome video about this here: https://youtu.be/KX0MrnzBJ8M

Thanks for being cool. And good luck!

I can relate to a lot of this. I grew up in a toxic household that gave VERY mixed signals on cleaning and organizing. Your paralysis in cleaning up and completing tasks on time is quite likely due to being neurally wired that way by a fearful and fraught upbringing. It takes directed effort to undo it (often via a trauma-aware therapist) and sometimes also meds.

I dunno if you've read anything about c-PTSD, but if you don't have the means to regularly see a therapist right now, it might help to read up on trauma and its long-term effects. Pete Walker has some good articles on his site. The book Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life is also very insightful. And have you seen anyone about your depression? For real, antidepressants helped me a LOT with general motivation.

For learning to stay on task, I found ADD-friendly Ways to Organize Your Life to be super helpful. I've never been diagnosed with ADHD; it was just a really good starting point for someone like me. FlyLady is a very gentle, positive site for learning about how to tidy up, so check that out.

Also, I promise not all Millennials are Konmari minimalists who will judge you forever for having stuff. I've seen all levels of stuff in the homes of people my age or younger. Friends were on the whole way more chill (maybe too chill) than I expected about the condition of my apartment over the years.

Your parents have probably faced adversity in life, too. If you're not on bad terms with them (ie if they're not abusive), I'm always a fan of talking with ones parents about their problems. They may surprise you by how receptive they can be. Remember that they've known you for all your life and had a whole life before you even existed.

In the meantime you can always practice mindfulness/meditation, that might help you with that. I'd also recommend doing some reading into cognitive distortions, which are ways of thinking that cause anxiety, and learn to recognize and address them. I'm also a fan of the book called "Self Esteem" (and more words) by McKay and Fanning. You may be able to borrow it at the library, though it's often checked out here in Nova Scotia. This is the book I used to work with my therapist through my own anxiety. Having a therapist will help give you a different perspective on situations and also keep you on track/monitor your progress, but these are things you can work out on your own.

Anyway hope you have a good end to your school year! Take care to actively acknowledge and appreciate the positives in life.

A book I really liked was "ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your life": http://www.amazon.com/ADD-Friendly-Ways-Organize-Your-Life/dp/1583913580 .

Don't let the name fool you. There are definitely parts about, say, how to organize clothes or a room--but there is a HUGE amount of great ADHD-specific info in there about time, your life, relationships, setting up schedules, how to cope, etc. One of the things I love about it is it has multiple levels of help--self, from others, from a professional--and genuinely grasps ADHD, so you won't find any shit like "Set aside three hours every week to sit and organize your papers alphabetically before filing them in a color coded system!", much more stuff like "Have a small box you put stuff in for mail, when it gets full, that's the trigger to deal with it", etc.

I also just found it really great for a lot of its explanations of ADHD and the brain and the interactions of that with real life, etc.

I work from home for the last 3 years now on the same company. We keep core hours and have to be online from 10am-4pm (or 5 or 6pm, lol, I don't know). The point is, we need to be available for communication, but we can work anytime we want, as long as we produce an output everyday (which is similar to the non-zero day idea: http://www.reddit.com/r/NonZeroDay/comments/1qbtd6/this_belongs_here_ryans01_original_post_about_non/)

The first few years were kinda harsh on my physical, mental, and emotional health since I wanted to be really good at what I'm doing, and hit the deadlines (which are often than not, very different). The industry is very volatile, and so you need to be always updated. If you're young, you'll need to catch-up, and it will be hardwork. But at the same time, you only have your body, so you've to take care of yourself.

I got really big and got a 34% body fat at one point. And damn, I was like I need to change it. I've done muay thai and c25k training to jump start my fitness adventure. But now, I'm just mainly doing strength training with plyometrics on my lunch times. But aside from adding fitness activities, I fixed my rest schedule and diet.

I used to be that person who sleeps at 5:30am, btw! But I switched my schedule such that instead of sleeping late late to keep up with the deadlines, I will just rest (YAY) and wake up very early!

I often wake up at 5:30ish -6 am, and read and fuck around the internet or go to sleep or continue with work. I sunbathe for a bit around 7am and walk around. I stop working at 5:30pm to walk around and get some sun before it sets (it's just my thing, man).

There's quite a lot of articles around the internet for this sort of thing. But other productive things that works for me are:

• have variations of your work stations (I sometimes work on my bedroom, dining table, patio, garden, kitchen, treadmill desk, etc; sometimes I go out in a cafe though and see real people)
  
• have a transition between working and non-working hours
  
• or have a lot of rests (like mini-meals) when you're just fucking around, declare it a resting period; clear your head and move on, and go back to work
  
• if you're stucked, communicate with your team or client on what they really want; this usually unstucks me
  
• not all tasks will use the same brain power; do tasks that requires full concentration and critical thinking when you are well-rested; do tasks that you can't automate that even a zombie can do when you're a bit tired, hungover, or even a bit distracted (there's an article about this!)
  
• don't have a long distance relationship which uses the computer to communicate too; you need human contact!
  
• oh, and there'll be a lot of temptations to do a lot of projects, gaming or not... it takes discipline to not fall into that trap too. It's generally good, but completing something that is not perfect is way more better than not completing something that looks perfect in your mind.
  
  bonus: read this http://www.amazon.com/The-ONE-Thing-Surprisingly-Extraordinary/dp/1885167776
  
  edited to really answer the question lol

I recommend two:

The Power of Self-Coaching is a very practical guide for improving your self-esteem and confidence. Some of the best times of my life are the handful of months directly following a re-reading of this book. Very good.

Way of the Peaceful Warrior is a more "spiritual" approach to life, although I don't really like using that term because I don't really even know what that means anymore. But this book is certainly a life changer. It is also a great place to start if you are looking to begin a more balanced, peaceful, and mindful existence.

It's been argued that people only make music in order to signal sexually, kind of like how peacocks have long tails.

http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Mind-Sexual-Choice-Evolution/dp/038549517X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1312595865&sr=8-1

So in a sense it makes more sense for men to make music, because so much of the male attractiveness function is already made up of appearance.

In other words, you might want to either become so good at music that your music is genuinely some of the best stuff out there, or else find a field where it's harder to duplicate the efforts of society's best and put them on every hard drive.

Anyway, I'm a guy and you definitely have my support, sympathy, etc. In general, men are luckier because if they want to make themselves more attractive their are effective means available. I really wish there was an equally effective thing women could do...

I got diagnosed halfway through grad school. It was brutal. My wife kept leaning on me to go get tested for it, and at one point went through our table asking when I had started each project that was out. There were more than a dozen projects under active work on the table, all mine. You can go back to first grade, when I had to change schools because I had taken to standing on my chair and shouting out the answers if class was moving too slowly. In the end, I only got tested just as they were about to kick me out of my program for lack of progression.

Generally tasks have to have a sense of urgency and importance for me to actually make progress on them when they need to be done, and there has to be the feeling that someone is checking up on me

To that end, for a lot of things I schedule regular meetings with the person who asked me to do whatever task it is I need to get done, and then the day before I meet up with them I scramble around like a crazy thing getting about a week's worth of work done in a day and a half, then meet with them, which goes well, rinse and repeat.

If I'm only responsible to myself for getting something done, I can and will absolutely abandon it half-completed in favor of the next interesting task that comes along. So I work on projects in places where I know someone walking by could potentially see my progress and judge my lack of focus, I try to minimize interesting projects nearby, and I got myself some pretty hourglasses for 30- and 5-minute intervals, if I realize I'm off track I set the 5, then I wrap it up. This post is a case in point :)

I'm also helped a lot by listening to music a lot when I'm working on complicated stuff, audiobooks when I'm working on simple things. There seems to be a minimum amount of my attention that's occupied at all times, otherwise it starts turning to everything around me, and I can get distracted by absolutely anything and everything. In the evenings, either my wife and I talk or we put something on the tv and I work on crafting projects, because otherwise I get bored.

I am on meds, and in fact we just switched one of my meds this morning. I was very reassured just by how calm everything was my first week on meds, my wife had briefly been misdiagnosed as adhd and put on stimulants and they did NOT have the same effect for her. There's a part of our brains needed for executive function that's under-functioning, and the stimulants make that part more active. Caffeine has always had a calming effect for me, and I drink a lot of it.

You might want to read something like Solden's Women with attention deficit disorder

It's also worth knowing there are a bunch of things comorbid with adhd. I also have depression and some mild OCD tendencies (I pick at my skin, pull out my hair, and chew on my fingernails, all to the point of damage) and my therapist has helped me manage those a lot. On the plus side, a lot of my depression was lifted by getting help for the adhd, and the same might prove true for you.

I can write more later, gotta get back to data analysis, good luck!

First off, don't believe anyone who tells you that non-fiction books are the only worthwhile books. That is blasphemy. Non-fiction might make you more knowledgeable about certain things, but fiction allows you to entertain an entirely different perspective of the world for the duration of the book. I would argue that the latter is more beneficial to your development as a critical thinker and a human being.

Secondly, it sounds like you haven't really found your genre yet. You couldn't get through all of Harry Potter, maybe fantasy isn't your thing. Try historical fiction. What kind of movies and TV shows do you enjoy? Try finding books along the same vein. Just like anything else, you're going to have to sift through a lot of stuff you don't like to find the ones you do.

I like to have at least two books going at the same time, because sometimes reading just one book gets boring. At any given time, I'll be reading one book for pleasure (I really like fantasy - so something like Malazan Book of the Fallen), and one book for merit (anything from philosophy to psychology to a travel memoir).

Lastly, try getting your reading time in right before you go to sleep. It's less stimulating than watching TV or being on the computer. You can get a few pages in when you're taking a shit, too.

I want to second the recommendation for Brene Brown - I love her, my clients love her, I really can't recommend her enough. I'd also like to throw Healing The Shame That Binds You into the ring as it's addiction specific. John Bradshaw has some videos that my clients love.

> The client suddenly falls off the face of the earth after doing well for so long

My supervisor assures me that this is "normal" for our area, but like you I haven't really been satisfied with that approach. I always try to educate my clients that relapse isn't indicative of failure - I treat it like a flare in symptoms and discuss with clients that it can be a learning opportunity because it gives them the chance to go back and figure out a different way of behaving. I absolutely hate counting days sober (feels like an industrial factory sign that says "x days since an injury at this work site") as the client often feels like they need to reset the counter to zero after a relapse. I advocate for the approach that we are always learning, and that a relapse doesn't mean you've forgotten any of the new things you've learned. When my clients do return after relapse, I give tons of positive feedback for returning to the office.

Oh, I probably shouldn't have said that. I certainly understand the process of deliberative practice and have a copy of Colvin's Talent is Overrated. I should have been more clear. I am an advanced beginner and am still in what James Clear refers to as the "showing up and putting in your reps" phase. As such, I will be trying to deliberatively practice while 'showing up and putting in my reps.' But I will definitely be looking for opportunities for improvement along the way so I don't reinforce bad habits. All would be easier if I had a teacher who was interested in technical exercises and advise me on which exercises to do when certain issues in my playing are revealed. But as it is, I have to do my deliberative practice in a more organic way without any wise guides along the way. I feel like I should be having a 2nd teacher for 30 min/week piano lessons who only focuses on technique and directing me on technical exercises! Maybe some day when I am at the intermediate stage.

Senior Level Software Engineer Reading List

Read This First

1. Mastery: The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment
   
   

   Fundamentals
   

   
   

2. Patterns of Enterprise Application Architecture
   
3. Enterprise Integration Patterns: Designing, Building, and Deploying Messaging Solutions
   
4. Enterprise Patterns and MDA: Building Better Software with Archetype Patterns and UML
   
5. Systemantics: How Systems Work and Especially How They Fail
   
6. Rework
   
7. Writing Secure Code
   
8. Framework Design Guidelines: Conventions, Idioms, and Patterns for Reusable .NET Libraries
   
   

   Development Theory
   

   
   

9. Growing Object-Oriented Software, Guided by Tests
   
10. Object-Oriented Analysis and Design with Applications
    
11. Introduction to Functional Programming
    
12. Design Concepts in Programming Languages
    
13. Code Reading: The Open Source Perspective
    
14. Modern Operating Systems
    
15. Extreme Programming Explained: Embrace Change
    
16. The Elements of Computing Systems: Building a Modern Computer from First Principles
    
17. Code: The Hidden Language of Computer Hardware and Software
    
    

    Philosophy of Programming
    

    
    

18. Making Software: What Really Works, and Why We Believe It
    
19. Beautiful Code: Leading Programmers Explain How They Think
    
20. The Elements of Programming Style
    
21. A Discipline of Programming
    
22. The Practice of Programming
    
23. Computer Systems: A Programmer's Perspective
    
24. Object Thinking
    
25. How to Solve It by Computer
    
26. 97 Things Every Programmer Should Know: Collective Wisdom from the Experts
    
    

    Mentality
    

    
    

27. Hackers and Painters: Big Ideas from the Computer Age
    
28. The Intentional Stance
    
29. Things That Make Us Smart: Defending Human Attributes In The Age Of The Machine
    
30. The Back of the Napkin: Solving Problems and Selling Ideas with Pictures
    
31. The Timeless Way of Building
    
32. The Soul Of A New Machine
    
33. WIZARDRY COMPILED
    
34. YOUTH
    
35. Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art
    
    

    Software Engineering Skill Sets
    

    
    

36. Software Tools
    
37. UML Distilled: A Brief Guide to the Standard Object Modeling Language
    
38. Applying UML and Patterns: An Introduction to Object-Oriented Analysis and Design and Iterative Development
    
39. Practical Parallel Programming
    
40. Past, Present, Parallel: A Survey of Available Parallel Computer Systems
    
41. Mastering Regular Expressions
    
42. Compilers: Principles, Techniques, and Tools
    
43. Computer Graphics: Principles and Practice in C
    
44. Michael Abrash's Graphics Programming Black Book
    
45. The Art of Deception: Controlling the Human Element of Security
    
46. SOA in Practice: The Art of Distributed System Design
    
47. Data Mining: Practical Machine Learning Tools and Techniques
    
48. Data Crunching: Solve Everyday Problems Using Java, Python, and more.
    
    

    Design
    

    
    

49. The Psychology Of Everyday Things
    
50. About Face 3: The Essentials of Interaction Design
    
51. Design for Hackers: Reverse Engineering Beauty
    
52. The Non-Designer's Design Book
    
    

    History
    

    
    

53. Micro-ISV: From Vision to Reality
    
54. Death March
    
55. Showstopper! the Breakneck Race to Create Windows NT and the Next Generation at Microsoft
    
56. The PayPal Wars: Battles with eBay, the Media, the Mafia, and the Rest of Planet Earth
    
57. The Business of Software: What Every Manager, Programmer, and Entrepreneur Must Know to Thrive and Survive in Good Times and Bad
    
58. In the Beginning...was the Command Line
    
    

    Specialist Skills
    

    
    

59. The Art of UNIX Programming
    
60. Advanced Programming in the UNIX Environment
    
61. Programming Windows
    
62. Cocoa Programming for Mac OS X
    
63. Starting Forth: An Introduction to the Forth Language and Operating System for Beginners and Professionals
    
64. lex & yacc
    
65. The TCP/IP Guide: A Comprehensive, Illustrated Internet Protocols Reference
    
66. C Programming Language
    
67. No Bugs!: Delivering Error Free Code in C and C++
    
68. Modern C++ Design: Generic Programming and Design Patterns Applied
    
69. Agile Principles, Patterns, and Practices in C#
    
70. Pragmatic Unit Testing in C# with NUnit
    
    

    DevOps Reading List
    

    
    

71. Time Management for System Administrators: Stop Working Late and Start Working Smart
    
72. The Practice of Cloud System Administration: DevOps and SRE Practices for Web Services
    
73. The Practice of System and Network Administration: DevOps and other Best Practices for Enterprise IT
    
74. Effective DevOps: Building a Culture of Collaboration, Affinity, and Tooling at Scale
    
75. DevOps: A Software Architect's Perspective
    
76. The DevOps Handbook: How to Create World-Class Agility, Reliability, and Security in Technology Organizations
    
77. Site Reliability Engineering: How Google Runs Production Systems
    
78. Cloud Native Java: Designing Resilient Systems with Spring Boot, Spring Cloud, and Cloud Foundry
    
79. Continuous Delivery: Reliable Software Releases through Build, Test, and Deployment Automation
    
80. Migrating Large-Scale Services to the Cloud

I think a very helpful book to read would be The ONE Thing.

I've written a blog post that sums up the book.

The gist is, once you have determined the most effective thing to do, which by doing, will make everything else easier or unnecessary, you do that ONE thing, first thing in the day.

You offered a lot of good habits to work on. The key the book pushes is, determine what the single most important one is, and do that thing, first thing, every day.

Some science that will help;

Focus on one change at a time.

Create and Implementation Intention for the new habit.

Attach this II at the end of a habit you already have.

My example is I've never been good at pull ups. I created the Implementation Intention, "If I use the bathroom, I will do two pull ups." Its so simple and I am doing between 20-30 pull ups a day.

Thank you for sharing. What is the field you freelance in?

I think this is why i asked in the beginning what you're expecting. Especially if you're comparing yourself to others, you may be expecting more than is reality. Just because people say they have a relationship, doesn't mean it's anything more than their own feelings or imagination playing tricks on them. So, don't rely too heavily on 'mountaintop moments' or the right 'feeling' to come along.

Do you like to read? If so, I know an awesome book that goes through a man's experience as he begins to unlearn all he'd learned about what life is truly 'all about'. It's sharing a Taoist, or Buddhist thought of seeing the trip, the present moment, as what's important rather than the destination. A relationship with God looks much the same. If you focus on the feelings or the enlightened moments, you'll miss the whole experience of going through life with Him!

The book is called "The Way of the Peaceful Warrior" by Dan Millman It's kind of an autobiography of sorts.

If that doesn't tickle your fancy, another book that helped me quite a bit with my relationship with God was a rather popular one: "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho

Sure. EMDR is a PTSD treatment. It works by providing alternating stimulation to both sides of the brain, either through alternating eye movement or a buzzing stimulation through your hands, while you revisit a traumatic memory. Why it works is still a bit of a mystery but for me it has the double effect of 1. dimming the intensity of the traumatic memory while you work on it, and 2. opening up the non-rational parts of your brain to process through the trauma.

Part of my CPTSD is that I am too left brained and don't have much connection with my emotions or body. EMDR allows me to connect with those parts of my brain so I can work with the trauma that is 'stuck' in the places that I normally cannot access.

IFS stands for internal family systems or 'parts' therapy. People with CPTSD typically have a less solidifed ego that is split into more disparate parts that play overdeveloped protector roles. IFS works with these individual parts to help identify them and change their roles to improve behaviors and outcomes.

Here is a typical IFS session. If that interests you, I strongly recommend the Self Therapy book to look into doing IFS work at home. It's pretty straightforward and can be really powerful.

I personally like the combination of EMDR and IFS. I feel like EMDR heals the trauma and IFS is good for rebuilding your ego/identity once that trauma is lessened. They work hand in hand.

Hey, I have the same problem that you have. Yeah, it's pretty insane when the monster surfaces. Sometimes it stays through the day. The guilt feeds it through. I can't speak for you but I can tell you what I've been doing.

I started seeing a therapist and a few things became clear very early.
I had shame that I needed to deal with. Anxiety that I needed to control. Finally, I need to learn how to eat again.

I'm doing pretty well so far. I've learned not to judge myself. I have hard days sometimes. It's learning to pick yourself up from those hard days that is the challenge right now.

I suggest getting a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. Also, find a registered dietician that deals with eating disorders. If you can handle it, try mindfulness. It is particularly helpful when learning to eat properly again. I found a lot of help with a book called End Emotional Eating. I'm sorry, I can't link to it at this moment. I'll try an add it in an edit later.

Edit: Here is the link to the book and a few others.
For dealing with bing eating:

1. End Emotional Eating by Jennifer Taitz: http://www.amazon.com/End-Emotional-Eating-Dialectical-Relationship/dp/1608821218
   
2. 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food by Susan Albers: http://www.amazon.com/Ways-Soothe-Yourself-Without-Food/dp/1572246766
   
   If you have problems with shame:
   Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw: http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1453094655&sr=1-1&keywords=Healing+the+shame+that+binds+you
   
   A little disclaimer about this book. I had my doubts going into it. I'm not very religious and this author talks about religion and god right from the beginning. Whether you are religious or not, it may come on a little strong. Later on, I realized that he was more into the spirituality of it than anything else. He even speaks about how you can associate this with whatever belief or non-belief system that you have (belief because his religious passages are mostly based on the Judeao-Christian belief system). What I really liked about this book is that it helped me understand how the shame I felt in life affected me. It was like an epiphany. What's great about this book is that he examines shame at the family level and you won't believe how powerful those revelations can be. The reason I suggest a therapist is that these revelations often need a guiding hand to help you along the way. I hope that you are able to find the help you need, despite living far away from possible treatment centers.

Sooo many lol, here are some of my favorites.

ADHD

Smart But Stuck: Emotions in Teens and Adults with ADHD https://www.amazon.com/dp/111827928X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_1.Y9ybCSGW7GF

General Brain Stuff
You Are Not So Smart: Why You Have Too Many Friends on Facebook, Why Your Memory Is Mostly Fiction, an d 46 Other Ways You're Deluding Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/1592407366/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_abZ9ybEHGSMEK

You are Now Less Dumb: How to Conquer Mob Mentality, How to Buy Happiness, and All the Other Ways to Outsmart Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/1592408796/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_vbZ9ybKY1636G

School/Study Help
A Mind for Numbers: How to Excel at Math and Science (Even If You Flunked Algebra) https://www.amazon.com/dp/039916524X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_gcZ9ybCDM8Q6K

Social/Relationship skills
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061438294/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_1cZ9ybQJXS3BK

The Chemistry Between Us: Love, Sex, and the Science of Attraction https://www.amazon.com/dp/1591846617/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_OdZ9ybBFRG9R4

Cosmology

Parallel Worlds: A Journey Through Creation, Higher Dimensions, and the Future of the Cosmos https://www.amazon.com/dp/1400033721/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_GeZ9ybHP9J2J5

Each one of these books has had a big impact on me, as a side note I'm have become a big fan of audible since I normally have a hard time sitting still to read, so I'd recommend giving it a try if you never have. You'll be surprised how much of a book you can comprehend while listening to it as do you other random chores and stuff throughout the day.

I've long suffered with procrastination, and honestly, my suggestion is going to sound kind of ridiculous. No special tips or tricks---- just what's worked for me. Every time there's something I should do, I just do it.

I always wanted to be one of those people that just got things DONE. No hesitation, no procrastination---- as soon as a task presented itself, I wanted to be one of those people that just tackled it. I've slowly been trying to mold myself into one of those people by simply just doing things instead of thinking about doing things.

Some things that I've found useful:
-If I find myself thinking "Oh, I should really do x, y, z....", I try to shut down the "I should" process and jump immediately into action. Staring at a dirty dish in the sink? Looking at a pile of paperwork that needs to be sorted? Instead of thinking "I should do this", I immediately shut down the "thinking" part of my brain and just DO IT. Try to make it impulsive. Impulsive can be positive.

• Have a task that you SHOULD do, but just can't at the moment? (Don't have the right supplies, just thought of it while on the toilet, etc), immediately add it to a to-do list. Review your to-do list several times a day. If there is something on your to-do list that you have absolutely no reason you CAN'T start tackling right now, JUST DO IT. If it's something that you can't start immediately, start making steps so that you can (need to print info off for clients but you're out of ink? Get on Amazon and order some RIGHT NOW).
  
  Great ways to keep a to do list: Trello, a note-taking app on your phone, Dropbox. (Do some google-fu if you've never heard of Trello or Dropbox--- such great tools!).
  
  
• Eat that frog:
  Mark Twain once said that if the first thing you do each morning is to eat a live frog, you can go through the day with the satisfaction of knowing that that is probably the worst thing that is going to happen to you all day long.
  
  Your “frog” is your biggest, most important task, the one you are most likely to procrastinate on if you don’t do something about it. It is also the one task that can have the greatest positive impact on your life and results at the moment.
  
  There's a really good book on the subject called Eat That Frog that addresses the subject.
  
  Seriously though. Don't think about doing it. Just DO IT.

Have you worked with a doctor or therapist on treatment/coping?

I don't know your gender, background, work, location etc, but I have found a lot of great information in books/article.

This is a great book for anyone which helps with organization. Being better organized in general might help raise your threshold when dealing with social situations if you haven't used up you 'stimulus bank' on a chaotic environment.

This is a great book for women with ADHD. It's changing my life.

One of the most important things I'm learning is how a lifetime of not living up to expectations (of myself, society, family etc) has led me to develop a lot of intense feelings of guilt and shame. I am working on reversing that and forgiving myself when I do make mistake or reach the point of overs-stimulation.

Finally, with work, again depending on your location, you may be able to request reasonable accommodation. The caveat here is that you'll need a medical diagnosis.

Geoffrey Miller and other evolutionary psychologists have hypothesized that our intellect has come more from sexual selection than natural selection. A simplified version of their idea is that some of our more abstract abilities, such as the ability to produce music and other forms of art, evolved for the purpose of impressing other possible mates. He wrote a book called "The Mating Mind" that covers this subject in a lot of detail.

His Wikipedia page ) has this explanation:
"Miller believes that our minds evolved not as survival machines, but as courtship machines, and proposes that the human mind's most impressive abilities are courtship tools that evolved to attract and entertain sexual partners. By switching from a survival-centred to a courtship-centred view of evolution, he attempts to show how we can understand the mysteries of mind. The main competing theories of human mental evolution are (1) selection for generalist foraging ability (i.e., hunting and gathering), as embodied in the work of researchers such as Hillard Kaplan and Kim Hill at the University of New Mexico, and (2) selection for social intelligence, as argued by Andrew Whiten, Robin Dunbar, and Simon Baron-Cohen."

books can be very helpful. This is a great one on procrastination. I admit I do not utilize these techniques to there max but I do use a few of them. The Title is Eat that Frog and that philosophy works pretty well. If the first thing you do in the morning is eat a frog, the rest of your day can't be that bad. Do the hardest thing first, it gives you confidence that you can do it, and also makes everything else easier. That and habits, start good ones and KEEP THEM.

Hi, I'm sorry for your loss.

I would advise a practical approach at this time because the philosophical side of Buddhism can be a tricky path for beginners seeking comfort. It can easily be misinterpreted and lead to nihilism rather than relief. You may find your grieving and depression lessens the more you follow simple Buddhist practices and ethics. Try to stick to the five precepts as best you can and look outward from yourself with compassion and the intention to help others. Depression and grief are very 'inward-turned' emotions, as in they make you think more about yourself and your own situation than about others. Actively trying to not think about yourself eases them, as paradoxical as it may seem.

For meditation you can try a regular routine of Vipassana and Metta. You don't have to be amazing at them, just do them. A few minutes each day, and if you can't manage a few minutes, try a few seconds and build up from there. Set a mindfulness bell app on your phone to go off randomly once every hour or two and commit to doing 30 seconds of vipassana or metta each time you hear it.

A good book for mindfulness practice that avoids trickier philosophy is John Kabat Zinn's Wherever you go, there you are.

For grieving, there are some nice books that can help without getting too into the weeds of Buddhist metaphysics. Pema Chodron's When things fall apart and Thich Nhat Hanh's Fear.

You may also find it useful to join a local school. You may be drawn towards more traditional schools such as Zen or Theravada but I would recommend, since you are grieving and experiencing depression, that you first start with a more secular school, such a non affiliated meditation center. You can look for groups in your area using Buddhanet's World Buddhist Directory

Finally, you may find some sage advice and comfort in Gil Fronsdal's wonderful free mp3 talks over at Audiodharma.net.

Hope this helps and I hope your pain eases soon. be gentle on yourself.

I’m also a social 9w1 and for me the hardest thing to come to terms with was my anger and the way I numb it out. I highly recommend reading Beatrice Chesnuts book The Complete Enneagram. It goes over each type and style in depth and talks about advice each type needs to grow.
I don’t know if you are the same way but I am someone who is constantly hard on themselves, when I first started learning about the enneagram I spent most of the time focusing on what’s wrong with me only to become more frustrated with myself. Self growth is a long journey and a learning process and it’s important to be kind to yourself no matter what. Try to take your time in becoming more self aware, I use the app insight timer to help me meditate. Sarah Blondin has a course called “Coming Home To Yourself” which was really helpful for me in practicing noticing when I “forget myself”.
Ultimately the work for 9s is about counting ourselves in, valuing ourselves as much as the group and realizing that in order to truly feel connected with others, we have to be connected with ourselves.
I hope some of this has been helpful!

Here’s the first Sarah Blondin meditation I tried, its free and worth a listen (https://insig.ht/tdxb97ZobY)


The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge https://www.amazon.com/dp/1938314549/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_N8sRDbBMTNB5Y

There's a book called Mindfulness in Plain English that's pretty religion-neutral iirc (been a couple years since I lost my copy), but it's still a pretty great introduction to the concept.

I'd be careful with Zen stuff, since it's a pretty rough process that doesn't translate/adapt well into Western cultural norms. I need to do a deeper dive into it since I adore its elevator pitch, though.

[This book](The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD: An 8-Step Program for Strengthening Attention, Managing Emotions, and Achieving Your Goals https://www.amazon.com/dp/1590308476/ref=cm_sw_r_other_awd_Mn8AwbT4BB9PQ) got me started. It comes with a CD with guided meditations on it too. It's a really great intro to mindfulness and meditation. It's been breakthrough for me in my battle for mental health. Therefore I am compelled to help others experience its benefits too. I highly recommend getting that book. It's really helpful to have a firm grasp of what you're going for. A lot of people get discouraged when first trying meditation because they do not. Also check out r/mindfulness. Let me know if I can help any further. I love helping!

People are biological machines. MBTI details how the consciousness operates. Or how our brains particular interpretation of "reality" is inputted, digested and outputted. Enneagram drills down to the essence of why we do what we do.

MBTI: The INTP strives for precision with logic.
Ennea: The 5 has a voracious appetite for knowledge to satiate his perpetual state of famine.


Combined together however........

Imagine a pair of 3s'. One ESTJ and ENTP. They both strive for success and recognition.

The ESTJ supervisor tacks on more responsibility, money and respect for knowing what works and what doesn't (active use of Si) meanwhile having the cognitive flexibility (shrewd use of Ne) to handle any unconventional situation. Eventually becoming an esteemed CEO and major shareholder of the company.

The ENTP entrepreneur becomes well practiced in boldly diving into different pools of acid and emerging with a bounty of wealth. Although success isn't always assured, there is a semblance of consistency due to adherence to rational principles (active use of Ti). Meanwhile having the social capital (shrewd use of Fe) to purchase (schmooze) from the right people, raw data for his next venture. Eventually he lands on a Black Swan (jackpot, the big enchilada, home run) and is lauded as an innovator.


Similar motivations and results but different methods.


Speaking for myself, the Enneagram is a system of greater flexibility and depth. The points of integration and disintegration, levels of development, the wings, the triads and much more. In learning more about the "Why", I understood more of the "How". I strongly recommend reading the book by Beatrice Chestnut.

https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Enneagram-Paths-Greater-Self-Knowledge/dp/1938314549

Interesting.. but it doesn't work for procrastinators like me.. I loved the book Eat that Frog! and it did have a very positive impact on me

http://www.amazon.com/Eat-That-Frog-Great-Procrastinating/dp/1576754227

It talks a great deal of procrastinator psychology and how to get things done

This article has a sources listed at the bottom, a great read:
http://www.lucidpages.com/intel.html

This would be a great book to check out:
http://www.amazon.com/Mind-Her-Own-Evolutionary-Psychology/dp/0198504985

This one is off-topic a little, but also a great read if you're into it:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Mating-Mind-Sexual-Evolution/dp/038549517X/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_1

Edit: I will admit that there are chicks that I am not attracted to that do not exhibit these behaviors that I know of. I am of the understanding that they did not develop certain traits and selectiveness due to their own low-value in the sexual market (i.e. not attractive to most guys). But this isn't a subreddit about mens/womens rights, this is a subreddit about attracting members of the opposite sex that you're attracted to.

When you read these generalizations assume the tag (in the context of mating) is next to each statement. This goes without saying on every article posted here, especially the ones in the side-bar. I'm not going to argue with you about feminism here, only that I'm good at getting girls to sleep with me, and here's how I do it.

Wish you nothing but the best OP.

Talk to her just like this. Honest and accepting. Full of love.

Just stay strong if it goes bad. It might hurt a lot man, but you can use that as even more motivation to get your shit together. Times of suffering are the best times for personal growth.

Not sure if it is your style, but i have two book recommendations for you. Each only costs a couple of dollars on amazon(check used section). They are straightforward and easy to grasp beginner buddhist teachings. Written by an american too so it is relatable. Really helpful for times like this.

http://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570623449

And its sequel

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1570629218/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=1BA33ENK9BCG9ZZQR8E0


Any questions or if you want to talk. Hit me up. Im of similar age and can relate in various ways.

Mindfulness meditation (sometimes just called 'mindfulness.') By requiring you to sit straight up but not flex any muscles to hold you there, meditation forces you to be aware of your body and form good back/neck posture. If you do it often enough ("establish a meditative practice"), it starts to change the way you sit normally in everyday life. It's not the hippy-dippy bullshit you might think it is - there's no religious buddhism stuff unless you want it, the actual meditating is about viewing your feelings objectively. Mindfulness is also super useful for anxiety (why I got into it), and according to my therapist, clinically proven to effect positive changes on your mental health.


The way I started was with the book "Mindfulness in Plain English". http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-20th-Anniversary-ebook/dp/B003XF1LKW/. It's a simple read, and you don't need any special equipment to start and try it: just a floor, some loose clothes, and a pillow or two from your bed to support your butt.

Alright, if you browse through threads here there is all sorts of great advice and tricks for the non- and outside-medication path.

ADHD can be seen as a mess of internal (attitude, will, emotions, attention etc...) and external (space, organization of environment, people, work etc.) conditions. That means that you can work with ADHD on both fronts. Medication helps with one condition on the internal side of things. But if you want to do it there are many ways of arranging external conditions to help you, including other people, and to retrain and reform internal conditions so you will not suffer as much when things go wonky (which they will). What helped me a great deal on the internal side was mindfulness meditation. I learned it from the work of Thich Nhat Hanh, who is a zen Buddhist master, but mindfulness has become so popular lately that it can be explained in many many ways. Here is a book written by a psychiatrist on the subject specifically for ADHD: The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD: An 8-Step Program for Strengthening Attention, Managing Emotions, and Achieving Your Goals by Lidia Zylowska. On the external side, what helped was routinizing and automating as far as possible survival things so I don't have to worry about them. Also forming a daily routine that is forgiving but firm.

I am sure other people have ideas, and like I said there are a ton of tricks and tips floating around through these threads.

I'm not saying you're wrong -- because what you suggest is simply impossible to verify (the scientific term is unfalsifiability) -- but it's worth considering you may occasionally fall victim to confirmation bias.

I believe it's important that all people at least understand their own biases (we all have them) so they can attempt to bypass their emotional, subconsciously-conclusive judgments, and make come to more logical conclusions.

A good place to start is by reading You Are Not So Smart, which was actually written by one of the founders of reddit. It's a fantastic read, and it'll have you questioning all of your previously-unchallenged beliefs (in a good way).

Cheers.

That stuff about sentences being accurate systems and important for Ti makes me lean towards Te. If it gets the job done then it doesn't really matter. I get how you are trying to say that 5s are usually detached and Ti-heavy but the descriptions are coming from the sx variant of 5s. Why I keep coming back to it despite what you're saying is because I do not at all think that my core motivations line up with the 4 description from the Enneagram Institute:

>Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance

>Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an identity)

In SX 4s the core motivation is envy, and its manifestation is competition. I do not see much of myself in that. But I do see myself very much in the core motivations of the 5:

>Basic Fear: Being useless, helpless, or incapable

>Basic Desire: To be capable and competent

It doesn't refer to a pursuit of knowledge, just competence. Competence can be applied to knowledge and systems but also to hoarding/greed (which fits with the core motivation being avarice) of resources to survive/not feel like they are being overwhelmed.

 

Also the 5w4 sx quotes are from this book and Naranjo's profile of instinctual variants.

>SX-4

>Shameless. Even if it's shameful, I will still get what I want, do anything to satisfy my desires. The more I complain, the more I get (this strategy works well as child, but not as adult). Viking ENVY, cannabalistic drive, competitive hate. Oral aggression - wishing mixed with anger. Sin of Cain - I envy you therefore I kill you. If I envy wealth, I start a revolution. Hateful, outspoken with anger, envy as competition.

>SX-5

>Not easy to see the difference at first. But if you engage them in conversation long enough, you'll find they are passionate about the one person (usually someone they can't find). Search for absolute love and it's too hard for others to pass the test. Very easily disappointed. Looking to trust in another - the one that will be with you and for you no matter what, beyond the level of marriage vows. Romantic. The non-5 among 5s, though not completely apparent until you touch the spot.

It is a very different description compared to the SO-5 and SP-5. Even without complicating everything by comparing descriptions and looking at the correlating Jungian functions , only looking at the basic fears and desires still points to 5. I have no issue with being a 4, but I do have issues with settling with any type when another type can explain things equally or even better than my supposed type. Naranjo's descriptions do state that 5s are more monochromatic and 4s differ more widely with their instinctual stacking, but I still cannot identify as much with 4 SX, SO or SP from those descriptions. The most applicable one would be 4 SP but again, not 4's basic fears and desires.

 

>"I feel my best when in a tornado of intense feelings involving others, whether good or bad, it is invigorating, jarring and life-giving in a way that I am not just floating and content. I feel moved and intense, which I greatly enjoy"

I just feel my best when I am in that state, I am not constantly in that state nor do I actively seek it out. While yes, it fits well with the 4w5 (no instinctual stacking) description, it also fits very well with the 5w4 (SX) and even more so when the core motivations, desires and fears are taken into account. This is the main dilemma, I think. And I agree that at this point, reading too much into the descriptions may overcomplicate it. Your insights are helpful, thanks.

Sounds like you are in a bad place. I don't really have much advice but I will recommend two books. /u/cyanocobalamin has already rocomend a good book, the one's I want to add are:

• Healing the shame that binds you John Bradshaw
  
  
• Mans search for meaning Viktor E. Frankl
  
  I wish you all the best, life will get better. It will take effort but it will get better.

> I guess I'm really frustrated at seeing people who don't really have an interest in philosophy and seem to be able to experience more joy in life by not thinking of such thoughts. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I wondered these exact same things when I was younger. My issues had to do with the fact that I was very religious back then, and many concepts challenged what was my established reality back then.

I fixed this by forging my own view of life and philosophy. I did this by reading a lot. I started when I was around 12, reading soft philosphy books like The Consolations of Philosophy, which introduced me to harder concepts I could derive value from.

In my opinion, some concepts and thinkers can be hard to swallow. I went from thinking there was life after death to being presented with compelling arguments that there wasn't a god, for example.

Nowadays I keep a very simple view of life. I've come to realize that I enjoy analyzing things more than most people do. I've found friends that are simillar, and come in contact with people that are the opposite from me.

I mostly read philosophy for the aplicable aspects of it. I deeply enjoy reading Seneca, Montaigne, Sartre, and some others. Montaigne was particularily instrumental for coming to terms with myself.

I guess most people would consider that self-help philosophy because I tend to avoid subjects that seem very abstract to me. I see philosophy as a roadmap that helps me live a better life.

I believe Philosphy Bro's summaries (which are comical on purpose) also helped me understand harder concepts and come to terms with myself.

• Nietzsche's "Thus Spoke Zarathustra": A Summary
  
  
• Jean-Paul Sartre's "Being and Nothingness:" A Summary
  
  I hope this was helpful.

My therapist works with the method also described in this book https://www.amazon.com/Self-Therapy-Step-Step-Cutting-Edge-Psychotherapy/dp/0984392777/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=15U7E1FOU8Y2U&keywords=self+therapy+jay+earley&qid=1554523698&s=gateway&sprefix=self+th&sr=8-1

For me it is really helpful, especially because it focuses on solution and not on the problems.

Give it a try, perhaps the book is even enough for you, or then you know what kind of therapist can help you. And in the worst case you spent 17$ for nothing.

It took me 42 years to realise, that I can feel better. And seeing some success is a huge motivation for me to continue.
I have half of my life behind me, so at least I want to have the second half of my life a good life. I f...ing deserve it. And so do you, I hope you reach this goal faster than I did.

I'm not saying you're wrong -- because what you suggest is simply impossible to verify (the scientific term is unfalsifiability) -- but it's worth considering you may occasionally fall victim to confirmation bias.

I believe it's important that all people at least understand their own biases (we all have them) so they can attempt to bypass their emotional, subconsciously-conclusive judgments, and come to more logical conclusions.

A good place to start is by reading You Are Not So Smart, which was actually written by one of the founders of reddit. It's a fantastic read, and it'll have you questioning all of your previously-unchallenged beliefs (in a good way).

EDIT: I just wanted to add: my Mexican boyfriend and my other latino friends have not experienced what you mention above whatsoever -- but it might just be that they're not looking for evidence to confirm that specific bias. I also live in Texas, which is fairly conservative.

I'm not implying any conclusions from this; I just thought I'd add a different perspective.

"Women with Add" by Sari Solden is one I always recommend. This one helps you identify some of those sneaky symptoms, especially found in women and girls.

Women with ADD

Additude Magazine is also a good resource for everything from medication management to supplements or new treatments.

Additude Magazine

The CHADD website is extremely helpful but I've only just started to dig into it myself:

CHADD

And as far as organizing goes, I absolutely love this book, "ADD friendly ways to organize your life," by Judith Kolberg and Kathleen Nadeau

ADD Friendly Organization


On the topic of meds, that's actually highly subjective. What I did was look at what I needed and when. As in when do I need my medication the most? I also read up on what other people did for themselves. Some of these resources should allow you to eventually decide how you want to approach it.

Personally I take Ritalin XR, the extended release, because the short acting Ritalin is not as effective for me not to mention it made my handwriting a billion times worse. I take it in the morning, after breakfast and never on an empty stomach because for me it leaves my system a lot faster when I do that. I also do not take orange juice or any other acidic juice with breakfast because it will cause my Ritalin to release super fast - found that out the wrong way.

That's amazing!

Therapy is always a good idea but it's not possible for everyone. I can vouch that these books/workbooks contain accurate, helpful info. & tips. DM me for help finding digital copies.

Toxic Parents

• Low self-esteem nearly always begins in childhood. This is an extremely helpful book.
  
  Self Esteem (3rd Edition)
  
  
• Thorough and practical!
  
  The CBT Workbook for Depression (2nd Ed)
  
  
• The specific activities in chapters 16-18 are esp. great. Really helpful things you can actually do, rather than vague advice.
  
  The Mindful Way Workbook for Depression
  
  
• There are MANY books about mindfulness. Not all are good. This is easy to read, and jumps right into teaching skills.
  
  
  Other good books:
  
  The Dance of Anger
  
  
• If you struggle with self-esteem, often you silence your anger rather than expressing it. This book is "for women" but in reality the info. can help anyone, esp. the concept of family "triangles".
  
  Kid Confidence
  
  
• For parents. 2019 book gives the very latest info. on raising resilient kids.

Congratulations on your insight, and on working out again. I totally agree that our thoughts are often more burdensome than the thing itself and mindfulness definitely helps a lot with that. People looking to make life changes might also want to read up on some of the new psychology of habit formation. Like Atomic Habits or The Tamed Course. There's ways to automate the good habits we want, like pairing with a reward, that will bypass much of the save-your-energy procrastination tendencies we all have.

The therapist, Amy Tibbits, who runs the clinic I visit, The Lilac Center, wrote a book to help folks learn the skills of DBT: You Untangled.

My personal therapist, Anna Saviano, co-wrote a second workbook with Amy to help heal the trauma they have lived: You Empowered.

Anna also has me practicing meditation and listening to binaural beats to supplement the EMDR she does with me in session.

I also read The Expanded Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Training Manual by Lane Pederson before I met Anna and I feel it has given me an excellent foundation to build upon.

DBT Skills Training Manual by Marsha Linehan is not a book I've read personally. However, Linehan is who originally developed DBT and the link says it comes with online access to the worksheets and handouts. That looks to me like another excellent potential resource "straight from the horses mouth" if you will.

I am willing to be a chat/support buddy and can share what I've learned and continue to learn from my sessions as it pertains to DBT.

Good luck. :)

Edit to add: A book suggested by Anna that took me nearly a year to read because it was difficult for me is Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw.

Further edit: My husband reminded me that you may well be able to get the books by Linehan, Pederson and Bradshaw at your local library.

You can meditate anywhere. I can and have meditated on public transit. Takes some practice of course, but one of the points of mindfulness is to acknowledge distractions and then let them go, and you get better and better at it as you progress.

I highly recommend Mindfulness in Plain English. Not only does it go into the philosophical reasons and ways of meditation, but also the practical aspects of how to go about it. Quick and fantastic read if you want to get into meditation.

This book is for you: http://www.amazon.com/Slight-Edge-Turning-Disciplines-Happiness/dp/1626340463/

It teaches a method that will enable you to get out of your situation with 100% guarantee if you follow it (yes, guarantee - literally). It's nothing magical, but in fact simple and easy to do. The only catch is that you need to do it, you need to read it and apply it. I did it (but honestly, forgot about it once I reached my goal - I need to read it again!). This is one of the books that can really change your life. Good luck!

Read Zen in the Art of Archery. Should be on every aviators bookshelf.

There's a deeper message within, but It's easy to pick up on. Also, as /u/quesarah said, www.innerairmanship.com is a great website to find other sources.

I became very interested in the spiritual side of flying about a year ago. It's extremely interesting and it has helped quite a bit!

Yes, you need a support group, and so does he. Sending you both big hugs. I wish there were more I could say or do to help you...the one person who comes to mind if you don't know her work already is Pema Chodron, whose book "When Things Fall Apart" has been very helpful to my good friend with terminal cancer. You might find it comforting. http://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570623449

Recently bought a self help book of sorts from a gentleman who writes amazing newsletter articles about organizing your life.

He covers alot, not just organization and beating procrastination; things like raising self esteem, and overall get-better/better-yourself things.
The writing is a perfect, as its foremost functional realistic approaches, sprinkled with self rationalized motivation, all wrapped in clear and concise writting.

So glad his first book was a big hit in the public eye.


Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones https://www.amazon.com/dp/0735211299/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_AFe-BbS97AWAN

I am a forensic psychology major so I'm super excited to see what everyone recommends for you! I love reading psychology books!

this book has been recommended to me so many times! I just started reading it and it's very good so far!

I also really enjoyed this book on criminal profiling which is a subject that fascinates me.

Shaynoodle is damn sexy!

> Lemons Markets -- This so true. If you have never done IT purchasing, you don't understand the pain from both dealing with vendors and convincing the business. Also, This marketing isn't dissimilar to linguistic research on food.

Some researchers argue
that the problem is a fundamental to the evolution of “higher” species,
i.e. the species with sexual selection. There’s the ones that choose
mating partners (females in humans), and the ones that have to do their
best to get chosen. Thus superficial traits evolve in the latter that
initially correlate very highly with “good genetic material” (i.e. genes
that increase the offspring’s likelihood of surviving). Once those traits
(often cited is body symmetry) have been established, though, it’s
often cheaper for an organism to just exhibit the visible traits because
those are the ones that increase one’s reproductive success. The
actually beneficial traits that they represented at some time now
become a relative burden.

Miller (the guy I cited above) strongly emphasizes the parallels between
the role of marketing and sales for a company’s success with the
display of traits in organisms that reproduce sexually. The lemon market
is probably more than just an analogy.

Congratulate yourself,


I am serious. I know that sounds goofy, but you've done it! You've already quit. You thought it through and you've had the willpower to come here and talk to us. I am sure we could think of a million ways in which you could already have a new gaming computer.


The cycle is bad, harsh, and it can be extremely depressing to think about the past. I can deeply sympathize with that feeling, sometimes I still feel it. But, you are starting a new book now. Focus on the present. I am going to paraphrase (badly) the stoics here:


>There are only two things you can control: your thoughts, and your actions.

​

You've already started acting in a way that will make you feel better and be better in the long term. Two recommended readings are:

• The Power of Habit by Charlie Duhigg
  
• The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson
  
  Scheduling your days is step 4 in this intro. It is critical to start. You need to fill up your days with new things. A daily schedule can keep you on the right path.
  
  
  The others are right, start a budget now and earmark all money to be spent or saved for other more important things. r/personalfinance has a wiki in the sidebar, great place to start.
  
  
  Gamequitters has a hobby tool, to help you find new hobbies. https://gamequitters.com/hobby-tool/
  
  
  If you need a computer to be part of society, ensure the next computer you get is not gaming capable, if you can.
  
  
  ​

Is this the book you are thinking of? Could you give a short review on how you like it and if it's easy to read?

I've also seen this book, which looks really good since it looks like it was made for somebody with ADHD. (i.e. lots of extra blocks with "hints" and stuff that make it easier to read than a book with pages of all text)

Maybe I should just buy both and hope that I'll actually go through with one rather than another book rotting on my shelf lol

It's so absurd and if you aren't in therapy people just say you're not trying hard enough or don't really want to get better, like being a victim, etc. Fuck 'em. They have no idea what's going on or what it's like.

 

I love therapy books now, haha. I hated the idea of self help but these aren't selling anything, they're fairly clinical approaches and written by actual health professionals, not gurus or 'personalities.'

 

Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward

 

Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw

 

Healing the Incest Wound by Christine B. Courtois This one is pretty good but the language focuses heavily on father/daughter incest which is limiting, unfortunately.

 

The Tao of Fully Feeling by Pete Walker Don't let the full title mislead you, it's absolutely not about forgiving your parents, it's about learning to accept the shitty feelings that linger even after treatment.

 

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker A life changing book, really. I'm particularly fond of Pete Walker because he is a therapist AND an abuse survivor himself so he's not just talking from the ivory tower, he's been through it and the compassion and empathy he has for other survivors is evident in his writing.

The more you chase fulfillment the more it will allude you. It's not really something you chase and acquire, you just one day realize you have it. I did it by not chasing it at all, not even really caring about any sense of meaning or purpose at all. Once you let go of the need to be significant to anyone, even yourself, all you are left with is what really matters to you.

If this is on your mind Buddhism is certainly a good place to poke around for advice. Especially Zen, though I wouldn't spend too much time around Zen, it can get pretty weird. The advice about caring for others isn't bad, but maybe you should put a little more thought into it. It is very possible that the form of charity you choose could very well continue the same problem you are trying to avoid. So I would resist the obvious. I'll resist making too many assumption about you, but by what you've described and how you describe it, I'll guess you are kind of a Type A, kind of Alpha personality? If so maybe you should consider something other than the Big Brothers which could bring out a natural assertiveness and competitiveness in you. Maybe instead focus on forms of charity that you can do quietly, that only you will know about. (I apologize if my assumptions are incorrect, but I hope you see the line of logic I am taking. The point is to be weary of falling into the same trap over and over again, and you can start doing that by doing different things.)

I also hope you appreciate that the problem you described is the exact problem that every miserable human that has ever lived has had, and solving it will be more complicated that X problem has Y solution. The answer is always the same, but everyone's question is different. Listening to things like Carl Sagan and Penn Jillette helped me, but I can understand why that might not appeal to everyone. I also read Zen and the Art of Archery, which touches on the problem of excessively linear thinking which I think is the loop you are trapped in. Lastly the main things you need are honesty and humility: set your ego aside and let it stand bare. Good luck, you're going to need it.

Oh god yes. I confessed all the time. I went on my mission without a whole lot of conviction but during it did my best to obey so I could be worthy of the spirit and a testimony. Boy, was this a perfect recipe for psychological distress. I constantly wondered whether my thoughts were prompting from the spirit or not and I always wondered why I wasn't getting the testimony and burning conviction I'd been promised. "Well, better step it up," I'd think. Probably because I spent 45 minutes instead of 30 minutes writing email. Probably because I thought sexual thoughts. Probably because I had Josh Groban on my iPod. And later, probably because I have an iPod. I kept stepping it up. I wanted so bad to be worthy of god's prompting and dod everything I could to merit it. When I didn't measure up to these unrealistically high expectations, I would step it up. I was ALWAYS confessing and whenever I felt a huge wave of relief, I would think it was the spirit. Nope. Just OCD. I would "sin" like maybe seeing something scandalous on late-nite TV that was sexually arousing. But I wouldn't feel guilty about it, true contrition. So I took seriously D&C " 42 Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.
43 By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them." So I would confess in order to create embarrassment, shame and guilt so that I could feel godly sorry and truly repent of my seems because after all "...our words will condemn us, yea, all our works will condemn us; we shall not be found spotless; and our thoughts will also condemn us; and in this awful state we shall not dare to look up to our God; and we would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us to hide us from his presence." (Alma 12:14)

OCD/Scrupulosity can be a real bitch but it is possible to overcome.of this, I testify (without hesitation). : ) It will take work. Expect to do a lot of reading. In addition to these books below, I recommend finding a therapist.

Learning about mindfulness really helped. I recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic-ebook/dp/B005NJ2T1G.

I also recommend this: http://www.amazon.com/Wherever-You-Go-There-Are/dp/1401307787.

This: http://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Not-Your-Brain/dp/1583334831

This: http://www.amazon.com/Leaving-Fold-Marlene-Winell/dp/1933993235

And this one:http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234

That Mormon Stories podcast really helped me. I think there's a few of them. It put a name to something I'd just thought was normal. I just remember thinking "That's me!" If only someone had had the wherewithal to say "Young man, all this confessing isn't ok. Let's get you some help." I was consumed by guilt and shame all the time, never measuring up. So I'd step it up. The idea of "worthiness" was incredibly harmful to me. We are all worthy of love, of respect, and acceptance.

I also struggled with assertiveness so for what it's worth here's a discussion and some book recommendations and a discussion from last week.

Recovery is possible. I have completely gotten over all that guilt. I learned o get over that nagging guilty feeling or even that feeling like "oh shit! I left the stove on". I've had so many of those. But now I don't. I just started ignoring them. "Fuck it. Let my house burn down." What I once thought was the spirit, I now know was just my brain. Now I don't feel that. My brain has rewires so that those feelings don't come up anymore. And now I have done everything I always feared and "far worse"--I've had sex outside marriage (I was never married) and so broke my "covenants" from the temple, I've smoked weed, drank (though I don't anymore). No guilt, no shame. I'm not saying you need to do those things to get better, I'm just saying that if you'd known me a decade ago, you'd have not believed I would have ever done anything so "wicked".

My point is there's nothing objective about that guilt and shame we felt. It's only because it was instilled in us from an early age. It's a learned response and can be unlearned. We just took the Church and its truth claims and hell and punishment seriously.

Best to you. Feel free to PM me any time. Know that there's hope.

I've seen others say that tritypes are often used to fill in the gaps when a type doesn't fit them well.. maybe the theory is correct, and tritypes do exist, but you need to focus on your core type, wing, and instinctual variant first. Those should all fit without having to delve into a tritype to fill in the gaps.

You'd be a lot better off looking into your instinctual variants... you'd be surprised how different a 6 so vs sp vs sx are.

Edit: I used to like the tritypes myself, but I've since fallen away from it because I could never find any good books on it that weren't insanely priced - the one book I did find on it was this one: https://amzn.com/1930054181 and it now has no price (It's priceless! lol), but it used to be priced at nearly $120, and maybe this is just me, but I would not fork over that much money for a spiral bound with only one review.

Edit#2: You'd be a lot better getting and reading this book https://amzn.com/1938314549, which was recommended to me by /u/excel958, and it's been amazing so far—I've only read much into type 6 though because my husband is a 6.

Another route to explore is Internal Family Systems. It’s a form of therapy that you can do on yourself or with a partner. I’ve found it’s almost as powerful as MDMA therapy if you put the time in to do it. And together with MDMA and other medicines I’ve seen a synergistic effect.

The book linked below is an excellent place to start. Even after reading the first chapter or two you should be able to start using it. (Just read the reviews if you need to get yourself excited!). Wishing you and your partner the best of luck. You’ve got this!

Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy, 2nd Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0984392777/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_HT1YDbYWK2YFG

"does anyone else have trouble “accepting” the fact that you’re a 4?"

I have and I do. Beatrice Chestnut's The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Self-Knowledge helps to explain why. Chestnut writes that all nine types have a shadow, or unconscious part of their personality that they repress. Most types repress their negative aspects--except for Fours, who repress their positives. For example, a One might have a 'superego' that keeps their anger hidden from their conscious thoughts and behaviours, but a Four might bury positive parts of themselves under feelings that they are inferior, broken, or damaged.

I can only speak from personal experience, but my advice would be to seek out people and experiences that bring out your shadow--positive aspects of your character. Do things you love and are good at. Spend time with people who love and appreciate you for who you are. Face fear and challenges to help you grow as a person rather than escaping into melancholy and fantasy. This will help you to accept yourself as a whole. And, if you can, I highly recommend picking up Chestnut's book!

Hi OP, reading your comment "I’m really insecure about my intelligence" took me back a bit. I'm a scientist (and a few decades older) and there is no good scientific explanation for intelligence. IQ is a measure of what IQ tests measure - and work from 2011 illustrates the effect of motivation [see here for an article from Science.](http://www.sciencemag.org/news/2011/04/what-does-iq-really-measure)

You should be humble, which means you don't even think about how 'smart' or 'intelligent' (quotes used on purpose!) you are perceived, you are just /u/Spudnik1808 that fellow or gal who is a genuine person with good empathy.

The brightest people I know don't think themselves very 'smart' themselves. Why?

They know how ignorant they are, and are pushing hard to reduce that ignorance, and so they are humble about it and outwork the brightest. You know, tortoise and hare stuff.

A copy of [The Slight Edge](https://www.amazon.com/Slight-Edge-Turning-Disciplines-Happiness/dp/1626340463) is on my bookstand, and I'm going to start reading it this weekend. It will likely confirm a suspicion I've had for a long time - that my own personal self-image isn't built on 'I'm the smartest, I'm the best' but rather 'I'm the hardest working, I'm the hungriest' which has made an enormous difference in both my personal and professional life.

As others have said there will be always somebody who knows more, earns more, is more famous, is more handsome/pretty, is more accomplished than you. And it really doesn't matter.

FWIW don't let it bug you - it really doesn't matter what people think (of whether you are considered 'smart' or not).

I'll finish with a quote from Goethe: "To create something you must be something."

Hi. So first, an anecdote: I was clinically depressed with major anxiety and manic-depressive episodes. After dabbling in a sitting practice (two sessions a year at most), I started a regular sitting meditation practice. It's simple to do (in some ways), but specific. I'd seek out some guidance on that. I started with 5 minutes a day and eventually worked my way up to 30 minutes a day. It's been life mind-changing.

Second, here's a book I sent to someone when their life was on the rocks. I'm sure you're probably looking for a little immediate relief and inspiration, so it's less a foundational Buddhist text and more, for lack of a better word, self-help. The name of the book is When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron, who I believe went through a messy divorce herself, and eventually found peace and enlightment.

Hope this helps

Best book on meditation I've come across is Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Gunaratana.


It's the perfect place to start and to deepen your practice.

Hope this helps, has definitely changed my life.

Urban Dharma offers the book in its entirety online here: http://www.urbandharma.org/udharma4/mpe.html

But you can find the paperback version here: http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-20th-Anniversary-ebook/dp/B003XF1LKW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1406688154&sr=8-1&keywords=mindfulness+in+plain+english

This book is SUPER practical, for example take a look at the chapter names:

Chapter 1 ...(Meditation: Why Should I Bother?)

Chapter 2 ...(What Meditation Isn't)

Chapter 3 ...(What Meditation Is)

Chapter 4 ...(Attitude)

Chapters 5 ...(The Practice)

Chapter 6 ...(What To Do With Your Body), General Rules, Clothing, Traditional Postures

Chapter 7 ...(What To Do With Your Mind)

Chapter 8 ...(Structuring Your Meditation), Where To Sit, When To Sit, How Long To Sit

Chapter 9 ...(Set up Exercises), The Threefold Guidance, Universal Loving-Kindness

Chapter 10 ...(Dealing With Problems)

Chapter 11 ...(Dealing With Distractions, I)

Chapter 12 ...(Dealing with Distractions, II)

Chapter 13 ...(Mindfulness - Sati)

Chapter 14 ...(Mindfulness Versus Concentration)

Chapter 15 ...(Meditation in Everyday Life)

Chapter 16 ...(What's in It for You)

Your quote about my logic brain
makes me think about Internal Family Systems- It's a theory that we have several often conflicting opinions about a situation (you want love, yet fear it) and how we can create harmony amongst the conflict. Sounds hokey but I have done it and have found incredible benefit from it, and even talked my partner into doing it! It's a great accessable book that you can do at your own pace, by yourself or with a friend. Check it out!
source- I work in the mental health field, and am very serious about maintaining my own mental health so I don't negatively affect others.

Well, youthful-looking, clear skin and eyes, healthy, all the "right" physical attributes - I think plenty of people do. Some people are able to subvert that, but I'd say most people go for the "able to have/raise kids successfully" attractiveness thing.

Good book on sexual selection:

The Mating Mind: How Sexual Choice Shaped the Evolution of Human Nature

http://www.amazon.com/The-Mating-Mind-Sexual-Evolution/dp/038549517X

Very good advice. One thing I would add is that you should try to practice daily, even if you can only get to it for a few moments. Just touch the strings if you can't even do that. There is something incredibly important about daily practice that cannot be ignored.

There is a book called Mastery that precisely describes staying on the plateau - i.e. staying on the path as mastery itself.

I also agree that music, even though everyone loves it in one form or another, is still understated as being amazing to learn in terms of enriching one's life.

First off, its important to express the emotions you feel. But I also feel like their is a lot of self-hatred and negative self talk that I relate to from my past. You can absolutely change your life and outlook of ADHD and better live with the difficulties. I would recommend this book, it has helped me deal with some of the issues caused by my ADHD: https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476 . I got an eBook copy.

​

I wish you all the best and hope your problems will resolve soon :)

You're absolutely welcome. I would recommend Self Therapy by Jay Earley. There is also a work book you can do! I'd highly recommend YNAB (You Need a Budget) which is a book and budgeting software. I'm 23 and going through this, if I was 18, I'd do things so differently, and it would start with self knowledge (through the self therapy book) and financial responsibility.


I want to make a point here: I had $10,000+ saved up by the time I was 19. I thought of myself as responsible, which I was at the time, I didn't eat out much, didn't buy many things I didn't need, and so forth. But because I lacked the self knowledge (if you don't know yourself, you can make some stupid decisions like buying things for social status, moving out because you are full of more rage than you are full of planning, etc.) and because I didn't know how to make a budget, I shot myself in the foot.


Do you think it would be possible to order those books (assuming you want them)? I'd be worried about your parents opening the packages. However, Amazon lets you order books to a location that isn't your address (basically they are lockers where your package is delivered, usually somewhere safe like outside a Bank)


I don't know to what extent your parents try to control you, examine your purchases, etc. but do you think you could get access to books like those (again doesn't have to be those specifically) so that you can help yourself heal?

Good on you!

---

Though, for myself, it was a bit of a reveal when I spoke with psychologists & psychiatrists who outlined their reasons for thinking I may have had ADHD and autism. (They proceeded to check, and indeed confirmed that hunch.)

Basically, both diagnoses both frequently occur in the same person, and both of them can go quite a long way to explaining all of the issues you experience compared to only one diagnosis on its own (and why some of the normal treatments/strategies for one are less effective in some people who have both).

Though I'm a hulking everyday manly man (in contrast to you dainty and unknowable women), this book (https://www.amazon.co.uk/ADD-Friendly-Ways-Organize-Your-Life/dp/1583913580) was recommended by my psychiatrist. It has proven very practical, and also describes a lot of case studies, examples and suggestions that are particularly attentive to the experiences of women with ADHD issues. (The authors are themselves women and have worked heavily with women patients.)

Basically: it seems valuable not only to me (being not a woman), but looks like something that's actually of practical use in a way that a lot more of the literature might overlook the specific manifestations that occur for women with ADHD.

May be worth a try. :)

I'll share my reading list for the next 12 months as it's how I plan to become a better learner:


 

Learning

• Learning How To Learn - Free online course
  
• Become a Straight-A Student - Book
  
• Make it Stick - Book
  
  
  Improving Maths
  
• A Mind for Numbers - Book
  
• Secrets of Mental Math - Book
  
• Vedic Mathematics- Book
  
  
  Improving Reading Speed
  
• Breakthrough Rapid Reading - Book
  
  
  Algorithmic thinking
  
• Algorithms to Live By - Book
  
  
  Understanding the Mind
  
• How the Mind Works - Book
  
• Thinking Fast, Thinking Slow - Book
  
• The Owner's Manual for the Brain - Book
  
  
  Productivity
  
• Getting Things Done - Book
  
• The Willpower Instinct - Book
  
• Willpower Doesn't Work - Book
  
• The Chimp Paradox - Book
  
  
  
  It's an ambitious reading list for the next 12 months as there is some heavy reading in there but hopefully you can get one or two useful suggestions from it!

I also found this little interesting bit:

> While Type Twos are in conflict with their sadness and Threes underdo grief, habitually numbing out their feelings so they don’t get in the way of their goals, fours overdo an attachment to grief. The three heart types also share a central concern with image—a self-consciousness about how they might appear in the eyes of others. While all three types in this triad have a formative, underlying need to be “seen,” they each act this out differently based on the ideals they try to fulfill in order to be recognized and appreciated by others.

Chestnut, Beatrice. The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge (p. 270). She Writes Press.

This might help distinguish your feelings from one another.

Sorry if I am not much help.. I'm still learning too.

I quite enjoyed Alain de Boton's Consolations of Philosophy when I read it on a summer holiday a few years ago, and it gave me some fun historical insights into people like Schopenhauer. If you're just getting warmed up to philosophy, I think it could be a low key bit of pleasure reading. Just don't take it too seriously - that kind of stuff is to philosophy what Neil deGrasse and Bill Nye are to science.

There are a couple of really helpful books out there that I can link you when I'm home and not on mobile.

One thing that I think is helpful is to pay attention to parts in the moment when they are activated and you notice their presence. You can take a moment to notice them, internally say hello, and ask them what their role or job is.

Another way to find them is to think of a situation that activates a lot of parts, called a trailhead, and then think about what parts you've noticed tend to show up during that sort of situation.

Remember in IFS you learn about parts by communicating with them, not by intellectualizing about them. So always be sure to be asking the part directly. There are lots of good questions you can ask to learn more about your parts.

Edit: I'm reading Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS and using Self-Therapy Workbook: An Exercise Book For The IFS Process. If you get the digital editions of both, it's under $20 for the pair. I've found them really helpful for filling in between therapy sessions and preparing for therapy.

Before I had access to EMDR therapy, I did some work with the book Self-Therapy by Jay Earley. It uses the Family Systems Therapy approach, and I found it really helpful. It's somewhat difficult to do, and I didn't get through the whole book, but I was really motivated and desperate and couldn't get into therapy, I think the book and the IFS approach is really revolutionary. It involves being curious and compassionate towards our damaged parts, and I really responded to it. Good luck.

Damn, this is really thoughtful of you. I wish more (non-ADHD) people understood how challenging it can be to live with ADHD. I'm sure your care package will mean the world to your friend.

Here's a book I recommend:

"The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD"
https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476

> What options do I have?

I am just educating myself, there are four basic options. None are perfect alone, and best results involve some combination of all four, ideally all four.

1. Medication
   
2. Mindfulness training.
   
3. Cognitive Behavior Training.
   
4. Adjusting life goals to the strengths of ADHD. (choosing a career that values creativity, etc.)

The theory of "post-hoc rationalization" is actually a pretty well-developed one within modern neuroscience and behavioral economics in particular. There's a brief summary of some major ideas here.

Robert Zajonc, who is known for his extensive research on the mere-exposure effect, had this to say about post-hoc rationalization:

>"decisions are made with little to no cognitive process ... we make judgements first, and then seek to justify those judgements by rationalization."

(Source here).

Dual Process Theory also comes to a similar conclusion w.r.t. post-hoc justification, as the "rational" system of cognition tends to be slower and limited in capacity. Kahneman has a pretty excellent and accessible book exploring this and its implications for behavioral economics.

A related phenomenon is the tendency of humans to exhibit choice-supportive bias, which is essentially where a person subconsciously attaches positive aspects to a choice or object after they make the choice or purchase the object.

Interestingly though, when some Swedish cognitive scientists created an experiment relating to this, they found some very strange results. Subjects were offered two photographs of people and were asked who they found most attractive. After the subject chose a photo, they would be given a closer look at the photo and were asked why they decided to choose that option. However, in some of the rounds they would be given the declined photograph rather than the one they chose. The majority of subjects in these rounds did not notice conspicious differences with the picture they had just chosen before, and confabulated explanations for why they preferred the second picture, in effect explaining a decision they never made.

(Source here).

TL;DR: The idea that people tend to act on an unconscious reasoning system and that these decisions are post-hoc rationalized (or perhaps aborted) by a slower conscious reasoning system is not at all a dubious claim and is one of the major recent developments in cognitive science.

You can do it if you have good discipline and manage your time efficiently. DO NOT SKIP ON SLEEP. Do not wait to until two days before a test to start learning. Spend 1-2 hours everyday on each subject.

I really liked this book. It helps to understand how your mind works to be able to form good habits and work efficiently. It takes 45 days to form one simple habit.

Engineering is hard but it's also not that hard. If you dont like the textbook or proff, find a better source to learn the material. Go to your proff office hours, find productive study groups and join them.

Hello!

I wouldn't worry too much about you not being taken seriously with your daughter. Girls are not generally diagnosed because they typically have more issues with attention and it may not be as noticeable, while boys are typically more hyperactive and it is more obvious and disruptive. When it comes to "testing" they will more than likely talk with your daughter's teacher as well, so if this is something a teacher has noticed then it will help you out in your reasoning!

It is very common for people with ADHD to be all over the place but be able to focus hard on something they are interested in for hours. I know I am like that!

So according to the DSM-5, which is basically a list of criteria to meet certain disorders, to be diagnosed with ADHD you have to shown symptoms before you were 12. If you are over 12, you have to have some sort of proof of these symptoms before then. Sometimes doctors will "diagnose" anyway, but if you are looking to get prescribed medication I would suggest you try other things first. A psychology professor of mine suggested this book to me. I haven't bought it yet (keep forgetting- ADHD lol), but it may be worth checking out!

http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476?ie=UTF8&ref_=cm_sw_r_cp_awd_Q3iywbMZ72CPQ

Mindfulness Meditation I'm just starting, but this is supposed to be a viable, med-free option. I too am concerned about life-long use of medication, so I hope that this ends up being an effective way to cope with ADHD. Good Luck!

• The Chimp Paradox - This is written by Steve Peters who helps with the British Cycling team (the main reason why I read it in the first place) and it is a very good book. It gives a model of our brain which is easy to understand.
  
• The Confidence Gap - I read this after reading the chimp paradox and I definitely prefer it. I believe it to be far superior to the above but then every self-help book can work for one person but not the next.
  
• Thinking, Fast and Slow - I haven't actually read this but I keep hearing good things about it.

I wrestled competitively in high school and early college and was always complementing my training with yoga and visualization. Here are some books that I relied on.
http://www.amazon.com/Thinking-Body-Dancing-Mind-Extraordinary-ebook/dp/B0030CMK8K/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&qid=1416196445&sr=8-12&keywords=visualization+for+sports+psychology

http://www.amazon.com/Inner-Game-Tennis-Classic-Performance/dp/0679778314/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1416196272&sr=1-1&keywords=inner+game+of+tennis

http://www.amazon.com/Spirit-Dancing-Warrior-Performance-Athletic/dp/1602373647/ref=sr_1_11?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1416196222&sr=1-11&keywords=sports+psychology+meditation

http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Art-Archery-Eugen-Herrigel/dp/0375705090/ref=sr_1_13?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1416196253&sr=1-13&keywords=sports+psychology+meditation

Good luck (which is ensured by your earnest, focused training!)

I'm sorry you are going through a rough time! The anxiety you are feeling is totally understandable.

My tip would be to set aside some time early in the morning, if you can. (Even getting up before you usually would.) Do some coursework in a small amount of time, say 15 to 25 minutes.

If you feel like taking on more, great! Maybe get up and stretch, then dive back into it. If not, move on with your day, with a lighter heart knowing you have made progress. No need to anxiously think about it all day - you will have already made an effort, and you can use that fact to soothe yourself.

I hope this helps. For me, getting up and doing something before I have the chance to start worrying is best. (I put off phone calls ALL THE TIME, so jumping out of bed and getting them done helps my anxiety.)

I believe there is a book on this I've been meaning to read - but here the quote the book is based on:

> “Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.” - Mark Twain

Two things.

First - you're vices are too easy for you to access; you need to change that. You can block websites using host files (google it) to make them harder to access. For example, I can only access Facebook and Reddit from my phone.

Second - you need to read up on how to be productive. If there is one thing in the whole world I could recommend you - it would be this book. I read tons of motivational and discipline non-fiction, and that is by far the best one. If you can't work, try to read things that can motivate you. I would explain more, but everything you need to know is in that book. Good luck

There's a good book on mindfulness for ADHD. Unfortunately, no one with ADHD has ever read it. I use it (in modified form with my post-secondary students) with tremendous success.

Pairing it with Calm (app) - attention meditations or Muse has been a big boom to my normal procedures as well. The bonus with Muse is you can monitor progress and compliance, which then actually increases compliance.

Book: https://www.amazon.ca/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476

Muse: http://www.choosemuse.com

Are all dating apps really that bad? I know there are a lot of scam web sites out that, but I know a few men who have successfully used dating apps. I know the odds are stacked against men on them, but they seem like they could work if you look okay and have a decent job. I am planning on trying some once I loss more weight and fix my appearance a bit.

You thoughts on PUA are largely the same as mine.

I am hesitant to suggest this, but I do like parts of the The Red Pill. They can be very misogynist and often have what I think is an exaggerated view of how things really are. I do like some of the self improvement aspect of the red pill.

Not sure how useful this would be, but I have been reading the Mating Mind by Geoffrey Miller. It is not a dating or PUA book, but I feel like it has helped me understad why women act the way they do.

There are a lot more intelligent people than I who have debated this, and with the advent of more intricate neuro science what we perceive as conscious decisions are far more layered and complex than merely being a 'free will' choice. Without getting into complex philosophy here's a link to an interesting book that's an easier read than Descartes, Dennett or Kant.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0141033576?pc_redir=1408889481&robot_redir=1
It shows how easily your brain can be fooled into making a decision that is not your own.

For anyone that would like to understand more about this kind of mindset, I highly recommend this book I read recently!

It walks through why focusing on individual bricks, even though it's more time consuming, is a lot more advantageous and has a higher payoff than trying to throw a wall together just to feel like you accomplished something.

I have three of them. Meditations, Tao Te Ching, and Man's Search for Meaning.

I read Tao Te Ching many years ago. I think it was above my reading level at the time as I can't recall much about it. I wasn't really paying attention to what I was reading or properly digesting it.

I have the Gregory Hays' version of Meditations. It's up next after I'm done Flow. So far Flow mentions quite a few things I recognize from Stoicism. Directly mentions Diogenes in the first chapter.

Man's Search for Meaning will probably follow shortly after Meditations.

I've only heard of the Bhagavad Gita, so that's as familiar as I am with it. I assume it's a book of wisdom or something like that from India.

I do make notes of the books I read, so if you'd like I can forward them to you when they're ready. Currently putting together some for How to Read a Book, The Art of Learning: An Inner Journey to Optimal Performance, and Atomic Habits.

I'm 42, diagnosed six months ago (although I suspected it for over two decades). Started at a low dosage of Vyvanse, up to 70mg now, and it's work wonders for me. I'm able to stay focused, and for me that means minimal daydreaming during meetings, if my mind wanders while I do work, I'm able to reign it back in, and I'm able to finish what I start.

Do keep in mind that while the medication helps "turn down the volume" around you, you still need to develop good habits and be organized. I recommend checking out the following book. While it contains some standard ADHD advice, it does contain some very valuable information that could potentially help you.

http://www.amazon.com/ADD-Friendly-Ways-Organize-Your-Life/dp/1583913580/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1394329002&sr=8-1&keywords=adhd+organize

Encourage everyone to try out this card. The idea is based on the Brian Tracy [book] (http://www.amazon.com/Eat-That-Frog-Great-Procrastinating/dp/1576754227)

The premise of the idea:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-W6ZBVsmCpw&feature=player_detailpage#t=606

> "If the first thing you do every morning is to eat a live frog you can then go through the day with the satisfaction of knowing that its probably the worst thing thats going to happen to you all day long. Your 'frog' is your biggest most important task. its the one your most likely to procastinate on if you dont do something about it right now. Its also the ONE task that can have the greatest positive impact on your life and results at the moment."

You can listen to the full audio book on youtube [here] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-W6ZBVsmCpw)

Eat that frog!

Alain de Botton is a lot of fun to read. If you liked this, I would recommend this one.

And his books are good as well. This one's my favourite.

Edit: And he has a TED talk which is one of my favourites as well.

I think this video is actually a video form of de Botton's book The Consolations of Philosophy. I own it but have yet to read it but I imagine there might be more in here than the video. I have read one of de Botton's other books called Status Anxiety which is an examination of plausible sources of status anxiety and possible solutions for it. It draws on the work of several philosophers over time.

As unclewangtooth noted in his citation the SEP, most of our info regarding Socrates comes from the Platonic dialogues. However, as stated, there is a general debate about how accurately these actually reflect the real deal. I think it's generally accepted, however, that the first four are more or less accurate representations of Socrates and his beliefs. At least that seems to be the idea they tossed out in my philosophy department. So, if you're interested in learning more, I would check out Plato's Euthyphro, Apology, Crito, and Phaedo. Don't let the term "Apology" confuse you into thinking he's sorry for his actions. It takes the term from the other definition of a "defense" where we also get the term "apologetics".

A casual talk-through and discussion on Plato's Apology was done by one of my favorite podcasts "The Partially Examined Life". The podcasts are designed to be coherent for people who don't have a background in philosophy so if you're interested in that sort of thing and have about 90 minutes to kill then I recommend checking out Part 1 and Part 2.

Personally, what keeps me going is the fact that I stand alongside YouTuber and professor of philosophy SisyphusRedeemed in the belief that I need not fear failure or being wrong, at least not necessarily. But if you really want to see somebody who was probably a fellow wolf, who did not let himself be brought down by the weight of others' opinions, you should check out Diogenes of Sinope, a contemporary of Plato.

You may want to consider some (in)formal instruction to help you maximize your practice for those sessions.

When I first started, I started with 15 minutes (20 is also not outside the realm of reason) and then added 5 minutes each successive week until I hit about 35 minutes per session; that's my personal limit for right now. During these sessions, I'm normally trying some kind of technique (labeling, checking in, noting, etc) to maintain focus on the meditation object (in my case the breath). By the end of these sessions, I wouldn't say that I am exhausted, but I have definitely spent effort to train my mind and I do notice it afterward.

While I personally use the book The Mind Illuminated as my means of instruction, you could also look into others like Mindfulness in Plain English or even an introductory program to help guide you along.

company of heroes
medal of honor
burntout paradise: the ultimate box
weakness: so far i am a bad procrastinator. i aint eat that FROG because i am a vegetarain. go through the link it will helpful for other people. thank you.

A well reasoned view from an evolutionary psychologist G. Miller in his book The Mating Mind is that our intelligence is nothing more than a sexual showoff like a peacock tail. It has no survival value and therefore didn't have to evolve. At the same time, many birds show off their tails of different designs. and other sexual games are played in many versions so it's reasonable to expect intelligence to evolve more than once too.

http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Mind-Sexual-Choice-Evolution/dp/038549517X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1248464914&sr=8-1

Found the book

I am also very all or nothing with little long term success, this speaks to me.

Happy cake day and congratulations!

No problem! Sorry for the late response. I am getting much better. The worst is behind me now, hopefully.

1. My psychiatrist and therapist told my parents. They saw how poorly I was doing and met with my parents after calling them up to explain.
   
   
2. Meds don't make me feel numb. They make me feel normal!!!
   
   
3. There's a lot I can write about this. Do you like to read? I recommend http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1382736170&sr=8-1&keywords=feeling+good , http://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining/dp/1572241985/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1382736207&sr=1-1&keywords=self+esteem , http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Jewels-Codependency-Robert-Willard/dp/0971642508/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1382736237&sr=1-1&keywords=seven+jewels+of+codependency .
   
   Those are supposed to be three links by the way. I'm too lazy to fix them though :P.
   
   Diet and exercise are very important though. I would say to get at least one to two servings of vegetables and one to two servings of fruit every day. Exercise at least thirty minutes daily. Get some sunlight every day. Ask your doctor about vitamin D supplementation. You will learn other things with a therapist such as identifying triggers and challenging negative and illogical thoughts. I forgot to mention that journaling helps a lot too. It's important to explore your feelings and it will speed up the recovery process along with giving you an idea of how you're progressing.
   
   You've got a great attitude. It will help you immensely! Keep the questions coming!

The first one I’ve read and found to be helpful. The second one I haven’t read, but I have implemented daily mindfulness practices and they almost singlehandedly saved me during a period of time when medications were failing me. The third I haven’t read but comes highly recommended by trusted sources.


Using CBT to Facilitate Coping Inside and Out The Adult ADHD Tool Kit (Paperback) - Common https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OKRFQIK/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_UA5WAbKMDPNYF

The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD: An 8-Step Program for Strengthening Attention, Managing Emotions, and Achieving Your Goals https://www.amazon.com/dp/1590308476/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_pC5WAbSY00SDW

Taking Charge of Adult ADHD https://www.amazon.com/dp/1606233386/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_cD5WAb5JK6M71

Disclaimer: I'm not a mental health professional, so don't just take my word for any of the following! DBT has actually been tried for ADHD with decent results, even though it's far from the most popular or well-known treatment. Edit: I see now from the other replies that it's likely to be a medication/dosage issue. I hope you can sort it out that way, would be easier.

Since emotional outbursts are a big issue for your SO, you could tip him off about DBT? Especially if there are some basic, fundamental techniques that you feel confident you could teach him.

Or better, talk to your own therapist about maybe getting your SO in the same kind of therapy with her/him or someone else. Ideally it should be a therapist who is really knowledgeable about ADHD as well, though that may be a tall order. But someone who's open-minded and willing to look at some recent research should do fine.

There's a good chance I'm stating the obvious here and you've already tried this, but I thought I'd mention it just in case.

Alternatively, mindfulness training has been adapted for ADHD and is also supposed to help with emotion awareness and regulation. That may be easier to learn on one's own than DBT skills.

Sample papers on DBT for ADHD:

Hirvikoski et al. (2011). Reduced ADHD symptoms in adults with ADHD after structured skills training group: Results from a randomized controlled trial

Pierre et al. (2016). CBT/DBT skills training for adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)

That sounds awesome man. Good to have goals. Congrats on retiring!
If you are into philosophy check out:

Epicurus:
http://www.epicurus.net/en/principal.html

Buddhist meditation:
https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-20th-Anniversary-ebook/dp/B003XF1LKW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1510271937&sr=8-1&keywords=mindfulness+in+plain+english

The Tao Te Ching;
https://www.amazon.com/Lao-tzus-Taoteching-Lao-Tzu-ebook/dp/B00APD9VP2/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1510271966&sr=1-1&keywords=tao+te+ching+red+pine

Yes, absolutely. Knowledge is key.

Consider this analogy: A clinically depressed person, is an individual who is in an unfamiliar land, a depressive land. And psychological knowledge, and philosophical knowledge serves as the map with which the individual may become better acquainted with their surroundings, feeling more comfortable there, and the map can direct them towards roads/highways/bridges to leave that place and venture to other states of mind.


I was depressed to the point of cutting myself each night and considering suicide on a weekly basis. And so I checked myself into a clinical psychologist and it was the best decision I ever made in my life thus far.

I realize you have financial constraints, and so I will tell you that I benefited wonderfully from therapy thus far through my therapist's book recommendations. I've since become very interested in philosophy. And you will find that philosophy and psychology are like neighbors really.

• For example: Descartes articulated the idea of neurotransmitters back in his time with his work "Passions of the Soul", and that was written back in 1649. His work is arguably the foundation on which contemporary psychiatry has been established.
  
  
  And so I encourage you to investigate your problems. Knowledge holds the key to happiness. As I was depressed I was simply unaware of various psychological doors which separated me from happiness, and I was unaware of my ability to open those doors myself. The power of the self to heal the self is astounding. On that note, here are some book recommendations for you.
  
  
• http://www.amazon.com/The-Consolations-Philosophy-Alain-Botton/dp/0679779175
  
  
• http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiness-10th-Anniversary-Edition/dp/1594488894/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1334098673&sr=1-1

Glad you found it useful!

Literally most important is a tough question. A few years back, I made a list of ones that felt most influential to me: https://kajsotala.fi/2017/05/books-that-have-had-the-biggest-impact-on-my-lifethought/, though that doesn't necessarily make them important for other people to read.

Books that would also go on that list if I were to write it now would be Transform Your Self, Self-Therapy, and of course Unlocking the Emotional Brain.

I would like to recommend Jeff Olson’s The Slight Edge on the compound effects of little choices and small steps in life. Here’s a quote from it:

“The truth is, what you do matters. What you do today matters. What you do every day matters. Successful people just do the things that seem to make no difference in the act of doing them and they do them over and over and over until the compound effect kicks in.”

There’s also a nice video review of the book:
https://youtu.be/bi7yB7wH3to

Yes!

This is a good primer on women with ADHD: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/04/adhd-is-different-for-women/381158/

And this book by Sari Solden is really helpful because it very clearly lays out how ADHD is different for women (overlook the terrrrrrible cover): https://www.amazon.com/Women-Attention-Deficit-Disorder-Differences/dp/0978590929

This book called Atomic Habits is about this subject. It explains how habits work and how you can create simple strategies to improve your habits by taking advantage of how your brain works. Could be interesting if you want to improve this area of your live.

https://www.amazon.com/Atomic-Habits-Proven-Build-Break/dp/0735211299

Oof, that's a hard one. I spent a lot of my life there, through bad times And good I could never shake this sense of shame, or self loathing that had built up over years and years and years. Once I started to get my head out of that fog I started to notice: That's not a rare problem at all. So many people are having to fight that fight, you're not alone.

A couple of things:

You're going to want to find a therapist. For some people that's very daunting, those first phone calls can be tricky, and you may not find the perfect fit the first one you see. Keep trying. They're trained to help you walk the path to a better self. In particular, though, you're going to want to look for a counselor who does "CBT" or "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy". You explicitly talked about a refrain in your head that beats you down? That happens a lot. CBT is a psychological approach to deal with that, to help turn that down then off. It's made a huge difference in your life.

Second: https://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining/dp/1572241985/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1469891037&sr=8-1&keywords=self+esteem <-- My therapist recommended this book to me and it made a big difference. I've been giving copies of it out to my friends with self esteem problems. It covers, in part, why you've built up that voice inside that cuts you down, and how that voice used to protect you, but how it's really held you back. And it talks about ways to build Real lasting self esteem from within, how to counter the negative thoughts and build good ones.

These thought and behavior patterns aren't easy to overturn but it can be done, there is a path, and many have walked it before. You're not alone. You've already made the post to reddit for help, you can keep going from here.

I hope this was some help.

Just piggybacking to add that if anyone is interested in starting to learn the basics of fallacious argument tactics/logical fallacies that we’re seeing running rampant among politicians/propagandists for the past few years: the series You Are Not So Smart is a great place to begin.

podcast

YouTube

Book 1

Understanding the basics (even just knowing that these actions/thought patterns have been identified and have names) reeeeally helps to recognize and unpack tactics that are more complex and/or the use of multiple tactics simultaneously.

Highly recommend this guy’s work in general, but especially if you have the misfortune of encountering this shit irl and want to better prepare yourself to navigate, “disarm”, or deescalate bad faith discussions or tense discourse at work or during upcoming holiday gatherings.

God speed y’all.