(Part 2) Reddit mentions: The best love & romance books

^Thank ^you ^for ^the ^introduction, ^my ^lovely ^lady! ^<3

> And so it (hopefully) begins.

I'd say it has begun.

> At first I said to myself that it was simply something that porn had done to me, somehow twisted me if you will and I simply had to shake it off. Like it was an abnormality and that I simply needed to learn to appreciate and enjoy vanilla sex.

I've been there - well, not exactly there, but I understand about the escalation that comes with the vicious cycle of porn, masturbation, and orgasm addiction. However, as I recently attempted to explain to some poor young man on that crazy no-fap board, our sexual tastes and appetites are fluid, and it is perfectly possible to develop or realize a fetish through exposure to it. What may not be so possible is to stop having that fetish - it may be better to simply accept it, and attempt to engage in it safely, consensually, and so on.

Thankfully, you don't seem to have a problem currently with worrying about whether or not your fetishes are bad and if you should get rid of them or avoid them. Great! If you do develop such a thing, check back with us in /r/BDSMcommunity which is our main discussion subreddit. We'll do our best to reassure you (or tell you to seek help, if that's what seems necessary, of course).

Often, I recommend recently vanilla guys to read through BDSM for Nice Guys, especially if it seems like they are having problems pushing boundaries (usually in relation to impact play and pain). I'm pretty sure you also don't have that problem, so you probably could still get a few things from skimming it, though.

> Any games or stuff I can make her do?

Well, there are millions of different games and scenes we can play with each other. That's part of what makes BDSM so interesting - it is so very broad. The same people who wrote that BDSM for Nice Guys article have a nice selection of BDSM scenarios which should give you lots of ideas. You should definitely read that.

> Now the most important thing in that I saw in all of the posts I´ve read so far is communication. After the spilling of the beans by me we have done a lot of talking and she really wants to try this with me and explore further which is something that took me almost completely by surprise. She is now going on non-stop about ropes and cuffs and when I am going to buy them and what am I going to do and so on so forth. Which is fucking awesome. However I really want to do this properly and give her an epic experience.

This is great! As you already know we're all about communication, communication, communication, and when you're done with that, STILL MORE COMMUNICATION.

If you haven't already, you should spend some time going through mojo upgrade, a BDSM checklist, and/or exploring the human sex map together with google/urban dictionary for things you don't know about.

With my kitten the thing that worked best for her was us going through my human sex map, then exploring a blank one together answering all her questions, and finally with her synthesizing her own list. Very soon, we're most likely going to do it again, because as I said, these things are somewhat fluid and now that she is a bit more experienced, things may have changed. So keep that in mind for the future!

Basically, you need to figure out which kinds of activities interest and excite your partner (clearly she is interested in bondage with both ropes and handcuffs), which kinds of activities your partner is disinterested in (so far nothing mentioned), and which kinds of activities your partner absolutely does not want any part in (also unmentioned). You should also figure out these same things for yourself! The last bit is just as important as figuring out what she wants for your success as a happy couple where both parties needs are being met.

After you have a good overview of her likes, your likes, her dislikes, your dislikes, her limits, and your limits and have coupled this knowledge with some of those BDSM scenarios and such, you should be able to start planning scenes and sessions that meet everyone's needs, are fun, and most importantly safe. When planning scenes, it is best to share them with your partner, so they can have input and you can make any changes necessary to ensure it is a fun scene for you both.

> How for example would be best to do the first sessions, no toys/other stuff vs. lots of stuff?

The first few sessions you definitely want to try to focus on one thing at a time, for each new thing. So, for example, your first session may involve bondage. Here you'd try out some rope and some handcuffs and see how she felt, how confident you were in your technique, and so on and so forth. Next session might be impact play. The next one sensation play, and so on and so forth. After you have have some confidence and experience with a couple different techniques, then you should look to move them into a session together.

Go slow, because you can always add in more later, but it's hard to "take it back" once you have gone too far.

> She wants a collar to but I want to make her earn it, any tips on that?

Determine for yourself what condition it is for her to have earned it, and it's okay if that condition is simply a feeling or even something like, "three successful BDSM scenes" and now you're serious! Just be clear to talk to her about whether this is a play collar, permanent collar, or something more. I'm assuming from reading that it's planned to be a play collar, but it will be hers (thus why she must earn it). That's just great.

> And pretty much any noob friendly advice you have would be very very much appreciated.

For the love of god, choking and breathplay are edgeplay meaning they are highly dangerous. Make sure to do serious research and look at it as a serious action when/if you move onto engaging in breathplay (or any other form of edgeplay).

Also, BDSM is very broad and personal. The way you and your partner will do BSDM is different than the way me and my partner do BDSM and would be different from the way we'd all do BDSM if magically we swapped partners. There is no wrong way to do BDSM except for the way that is disregarding of consent or safety. You do not have to do anything that you don't want to do - punching and hard face slapping are limits of mine I won't pass with anyone, even the most hardcore masochist. Nothing is "normal" or "expected" except that we expect you and your partner are having lots of safe, kinky fun together!

Finally, I'll paste a few of my basic bondage stuff to get you started with the rope work.

Where to start with rope

You should get some 6mm - 8mm (which is equivalent to 1/4" and 3/8" respectively) diameter rope in either cotton, nylon, or hemp (jute is similar but more expensive). Cotton is the cheapest and easiest to get a hold of. You will want 15 feet to 30 feet lengths. Most people find shorter lengths are too short to do much with, and longer lengths are far too long to work with effectively. Besides, you can always join ropes together to extend them should you fall short.

You should get a rescue hook, safety shears, knife, or something else to be able to cut through ropes in an emergency. It's a good idea to test that it actually works too. You should also learn about anatomy and find where major nerves, blood vessels, and other fragile areas are which you should avoid wrapping or tightening on. Finally, you should practice on yourself and inanimate objects before you go tying anyone else up!

Bondage Basics

Please check out our bondage basics article in /r/BDSMfaq. It is very informative and will say much of what I say here.

Depending on what you are looking to get into, I would highly recommend the following books, in no particular order:

• Two Knotty Boys: Showing You the Ropes
  
• Two Knotty Boys: Back on the Ropes
  
• Bondage for Sex
  
• Shibari you can use
  
• Complete Shibari Volumes I and II
  
  For websites, you should most definitely check out Twisted Monk's video tutorials and the Two Knotty Boy's downloads. Rope specific subreddits include /r/shibari and /r/kinbaku.
  
  For general knot-tying information, I like animated knots by grog, and of course your favorite search engine. Learning the basic terms can help you a lot, and if you really get interested in knots and rigging in general there's always /r/knots and sailing related stuff.

I was on your situation, and I am much older, plump, and a late bloomer. I had my first relationship with a friend with whom I had harbored feeling for 3 years. Broke me up 6 months later for another girl and I was crushed. I was 33. I joined OLD 4 years ago, subscribe and paid at most sites but never had a single date. Ended up spending the next 3 years falling with a younger friend who never saw me more than a sister.

I started Tinder half a year ago. Met men who mostly wanted hookups, went to few dates but could not build chemistry. Most of these guys were asking why I stayed single as they saw me attractive, all-smile and have positive attitude. I swiped like an addict and lowered down my filter criteria. I didn't have particular expectation and was willing to explore any possibilities. That's when I matched with a guy and we just instantly matched in most things. The first date went well but I didn't see any red flag either. Struggled whether I should give it a try or drop him. Decided to know about him better, and it was the best decision ever. When all the awkwardness is gone, he emerges as a truly amazing guy who accepts my true self as well. The best guy I could ever wished to be with and I can't be happier.

Girl, I understand OLD can be very frustrating. I can only say don't give up and stay positive. Don't look for Mr Perfect but do Mr Good Enough. I recommend [this book] (https://www.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/045123216X) for an interesting perspective why Mr Good Enough may be the best guy.

Also...

> You're a great girl, anyone would be lucky to have you

Take it positively. You are great in other guys' eyes. You are attractive, it's just there's something just doesn't match. Be open to meet up with various guys, smile and emit that positive energy.

>and I really do my best to be the best date/girlfriend/friend I can be

Don't do your best to be the best date. Be your best self. Show positiveness and confidence, and show it on your profile. Avoid writing an essay. Guys won't read it. Put fun and positiveness within few sentences.

Good luck and wish you all the best :)

My crazy life situation is starting to settle, a bit. Unfortunately, my wife and I are separated and planning to divorce (to be finalized before year's end). I've made peace with it and even received a clean bill of mental and spiritual health yesterday from the counselor / spiritual teacher I've been working with on this.

Formal practice is starting to come back online. I'm not entirely sure what shape that will take. But last night, for example, I did some prayer work and a magickal ritual, along with some concentration practice, intended to keep me grounded as exciting new possibilities open out of the wreckage of the prior relationship and to continue cultivating love, compassion, patience, and forgiveness as the relationship with my soon-to-be-ex wife assumes a new form.

As an additional challenge, I'm starting to form new relationships and social connections. So far, that's taken the form of dating, even though I'm not as interested in physical romance at the moment. Initially, I was a bit lost in my approach there, but now I'm realizing how valuable it is to learn about the suffering of others and to be with them in that suffering, helping them in whatever way I can. Doing so doesn't necessarily kill the erotic element, either. It's really powerful to be able to just be myself, open, honest, and loving, without pushing away the possibility of a meaningful romance. I feel quite liberated and at peace at the moment.

That said, when I see a beautiful mind or body, there is a grasping tendency I've detected, wanting to control and possess that thing. So, it's been really wonderful practice to just keep my heart open, allow the experience to arise, and then engage that experience skillfully, honestly, and compassionately, without expectation. That's not always easy. Things have been exciting lately. But I'm making progress.

Before the explosion of my relationship, I often guarded my heart out of fear. This situation forced me face that fear. Now, I feel unafraid in matters of the heart. Pain doesn't scare me. It's awesome. From The Way of the Superior Man:

> Closing down in the midst of pain is a denial of a man's true nature. A superior man is free in feeling and action, even amidst great pain and hurt. If necessary, a man should live with a hurting heart rather than a closed one. He should learn to stay in the wound of pains and act with spontaneous skill and love even from that place.

This has been tested early on in a new relationship I've formed with somebody who I never would have expected to meet, ever, much less while in the midst of all the other challenges I have been facing. She's struggling with her own challenges -- having shared a similar experience -- and understandably skeptical that I'm currently at peace with my situation. I care about her a lot and hope that I can enter into and engage in that relationship skillfully, patiently, and compassionately, for both our benefit.

I expect more challenges in the future. But I'm ready for them. I feel like a soldier who completed a combat tour and is now back home dealing with the challenges of everyday life. Yes, they are real challenges, but it's not like being shot at. I have a lot of courage and confidence at the moment to face anything that might arise. Today is a good day.

This is a long post, so I'm putting this up front; if you read nothing else I've said, read this: Not talking about this with him is the wrong response. You absolutely must talk to him about this. Clear communication is crucial to a healthy marriage, much less a good sexual relationship.

Now, from what you say, there are probably issues for both of you here. I can't talk too much about his motivations, because we haven't heard from him, only from you--but I'll make an effort from my perspective as a husband in a moment.

First, let's take a quick look at what you've said: you find sex with your husband tedious and dirty. "Dirty" is a problem--a significant one--because marital sex is anything but dirty. To live chastely within marriage is to have marital sex. Marital sex is a reflection of Christ's love for the Church, and the love within the Godhead. It's a sacramental act of unity and life. You absolutely must abandon this notion that sex with your husband is dirty, but it won't be easy. Labeling sex as "dirty" is an easy way we repel our sexual desire when embracing it is sinful (e.g., as teenagers and when we're engaged). Forget that label. Sex isn't dirty. Extramarital sex is sinful; sex within marriage is a gift from God to express love and intimacy with our entire selves (body and soul).

The tedium of sex may be tied to several different issues. I do want to ask about the frequency of your intercourse: from what you say, it sounds like you're having sex regularly (daily a few months ago, several times per week now). Does that mean that you are not practicing NFP and periodic abstinence? Are you instead trying to have children now, or are you using artificial contraceptives?

I ask because artificial contraceptives, aside from being sinful, are known to have detrimental side effects in your sex life. Condoms reduce sensation for both parties. Hormonal contraceptives reduce your sex drive and (based on studies in other primates) may reduce your natural desirability to your mate. If this is the situation, it could contribute to his disinterest and your boredom.

Are you experiencing painful intercourse? My wife struggled with intercourse for our first year of marriage because she had conditions called vaginismus and vestibulodynia, which caused the whole experience to be excruciating rather than pleasant. We made a joint, sincere effort using multiple methods to reduce those conditions and improve her experience for months before we saw any real progress. That can be another factor.

What is your general attitude toward sex? Have you ever found it remotely pleasurable? If not, have you spoken to your husband about your experience in the bedroom? Or are you treating sex like a solemn duty you must perform so that he feels fulfilled? The entire process of human marital sex is for both husband and wife to enjoy it. In a technical sense, neither one of you "must" enjoy it in order for the other to do so, but it is more enjoyable for both of you if you both enjoy it. If you have ever felt pleasure during intercourse, talk to your husband about that--ask him to pursue that before satisfying himself. Satisfying him sexually is easy; satisfying you sexually probably takes a little work, and that should be a worthwhile pursuit.

Now, on to him for a moment. My guess is that he loves you. If he was unchaste before dating you, then he didn't marry you just to have sex with you (because he didn't have to get married to have sex); from what you have said, he remained chaste while dating you and engaged to you, too. Which means he does love you, but he may not know quite what that means (or should mean). Again, talk to him about his actions, about how you feel, about how he feels. Talk to him about your marriage, about your future together.

On the pornography: it almost definitely predates your marriage and your relationship and is absolutely never your fault. That's on him. You didn't hold a gun to his head and force him to do it, and even if you had, he still shouldn't have done it. Never blame yourself for this. I know that's difficult to accept, but it's the truth. He, and only he, is responsible for his sins. If you're the coldest wife in the world who refuses sex for twenty years straight, watching pornography and masturbating would still be his sins.

The most important thing here is for both of you to come to a real, clear understanding of what married life within the Church is. You need to read about the Theology of the Body. Here is a short, relatively easy book on the subject. Here is the longer book behind that book. Here is a tome with the religious and philosophical underpinnings of it all. Here is a short video and here is a long one. Others will hopefully post other resources (podcasts, videos, books, etc.). This is critical. It sounds like you and your husband both are lacking important information about how marriage works in the Catholic Church.

The second most important thing is for you to improve your communication with your husband. Here is a box set of short books that can help with that (these significantly improved communication between my wife and I). I've also seen these at a local library.

Your husband needs to commit to improving your marriage as much as you do. You must talk to him as soon as possible. Don't put it off. He should know that something is wrong, especially if he's choosing pornography over you.

More details will enable us to help you more, but nothing will help as much as clear communication with your husband and a dedication to building the best marriage possible.

Yeah, this became quite the wall of text, it's ok to not attempt it in all one sitting, you won't hurt my feelings.

Advice:

Learning your body: start by getting a hand mirror and prop yourself up on a couple of pillows, bend and spread your knees (have you ever had a gyno exam? There's a reason women are placed in that position and it's not for their comfort, it's to help the doc examine things). Here's an ok diagram of the external anatomy, and an actual picture from the Wikipedia article for "Vulva." You'll see the external or outer labia (labia majora) with a cleft between them and probably some degree of the inner labia sticking out between the cleft. However much inner labia you have sticking out is completely fine and healthy, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Spread the plumper outer labia and the inner labia (labia minora) will be there. Typically they'll be closed together, these are what you wipe between after you pee because the inner labia can hold on to the final bits of urine. And of course, you wipe front to back to avoid bringing bacteria from your anal area to your vagina or urethra. Now pulling an Inception, we're going to go another layer deeper: spread your inner labia. Try using one hand and an upside down "Spock sign" motion to spread the inner labia if you're down to one hand because you're holding the mirror in the other. Here's an example from GoneWild NSFW. I probably could've found a better picture, but I knew there'd be an example there. At the top where your two inner labia meet, is where your clitoris is. Depending on your arousal level at the time, it may be retracted under your clitoral hood. It swells and will stick out more when aroused. Some clits are smaller, some clits are larger, no matter how big or small it is, it's fine and healthy, just like your labia; and again, don't let anybody tell you something's wrong with you because your clit is bigger or smaller than some subjective measure that doesn't actually mean anything. Trace your eyes down and your urethra will be there somewhere, but you can easily miss it. If you come to a larger opening and then the texture of the skin becomes more "skin like", that's fine. The urethral opening can be really hard to find, but that's where you pee from. The larger hole is your vagina (also called the birth canal), with your labia spread, it should probably be open to a slight degree. This is where you insert things like fingers, tampons, penises, sex toys. This is also where the baby comes out of during a vaginal birth. Around the opening is where you may have a hymen to some degree (go to the youtube channel for Laci Greene and look for her hymen video for a much better explanation than I can give right now). Then down past that you get to your anus/asshole, and that's where you poop out of. You can also get sexual pleasure from there too, but let's save that for another day, shall we? So that's the quick and dirty of external female anatomy. Questions, comments, concerns?

Your urges and desires are natural, almost everyone has them to some degree. Try not to panic too much or feel too bad about them, but some days will be easier than others and some tasks/topics/etc will be harder to get through than others. But try to not beat yourself up too much about them, ok?

You've just discovered a way to make yourself feel ridiculously good, try not to get too fixated on it. You don't need to try all the things right now.

There's not really a "wrong" way to explore your body, for the most part. If you're wanting to orgasm and you're trying to by rubbing the back of your hand, I can almost guarantee that you're not going to get there that way. But if it feels good, go for it. Don't worry about what position is "normal" to masturbate in, try on your belly, back, side; left hand or right; grind on your pillow or straddle the nose of a teddy bear. Try different things, but don't get too goal fixated besides learning different things that feel good.

Sex positive: Briefly, the philosphy

Books: If you had to only restrict yourself to one thing, I'd be partial to I Love Female Orgasm, but Betty Dodson would be a close second, but I don't have her book.

I Love Female Orgasm I really like this one, it covers a lot of things, especially for first timers.

Betty Dodson

Guide to Getting It On Very extensive, covers all different things of sex, not really what you're looking for now, but just for future reference too.


InterWebs:

Scarleteen And their article "Is Masturbation ok? (Yep.)" might specifically help you out

Laci Greene Has a lot of good info and good topics. Her energy and editing style is kind of grating to me, but I get through

Sexplanations Dr. Lindsey Doe teaches and is a clinical sexologist.

/r/Sex Faq's Lot of good general information, some of the "First Time" information would be good for you too, probably.

Charlie Glickman Awesome guy

Carol Queen's recommended reading

Podcasts:

Sex is Fun podcasts Very expansive and a lot of "deviant" sexual behaviors talked about, might be more than you're looking for, but also something that might be a good reference for later. But there is a lot of talk about female pleasure and masturbation.

Sex Nerd Sandra And if you still consider yourself religious, here's Sandra's interview with Rev Bev who's got a different take on some of the religious issues. Like citing that the sin of Onan wasn't masturbation but disobeying God by pulling out (Coitus interruptus, not masturbation).

Sex with Emily a lot of information about a wide range of topics, look through it, a lot of talks about female pleasure and sex toys.

We are having my cousin read A Lovely Love Story by Edward Monkton. It's super cute!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0740763083/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apip_MadsNQTIcpK7X


The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice.
Although it was cold he was happy in there. It was, after all, his cage.
Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur’s cage with kind words and loving thoughts.
I like this Dinosaur thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny.
He is also quite clever though I will not tell him this for now.
I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur, thought the Dinosaur.
She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice.
She is also a free spirit which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur.
But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
He is also overly fond of things.
Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of things?
But her mind skips from here to there so quickly thought the Dinosaur.
She is also uncommonly keen on shopping.
Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping?
I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for things, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
For they are part of what makes him a richly charactered individual.
I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping, thought the Dinosaur.
For she fills our life with beautiful thoughts and wonderful surprises. Besides,
I am not unkeen on shopping either.
Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old.
Look at them.
Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs.
And that, my friends, is how it is with love.
Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together.
For the sun is warm.
And the world is a beautiful place.

Awesome story, /u/Brensgirl11. It's super crazy because this almost perfectly matches my own story of how my wife and I became married, except in this case I was the lost one, and my wife was the godly woman that was sent to intervene in my life.

I grew up in a Christian home where faith, sadly, was not taken/taught seriously enough. I had proposed to a high school girlfriend of about 4 years, and about 4 months into our engagement, she broke it off. Less than 6 months later, I met my future wife at the most unlikely of places: a temp job. I'd known her brother for a couple years, but I never knew he had siblings. It was a pretty wild ride for me because I was not strong in my faith, and they weren't willing to let her be in a relationship like that with some "Christian" guy who didn't really share their beliefs, but it's how I really came to know Christ. Less than a year and a half after we met, we were engaged though. 3 months after that we were married.

We're about a month away from our 3-year anniversary, and it's been an amazing marriage so far! It's definitely not without its struggles, but the way God has been working in our lives is truly wonderful.

-

If you're interested though, a few resources that really helped us during our courtship/preparation for marriage were 3 books, the first of which I believe is still free:

• 1001 Questions for Christian Couples
  
  I simply recommend walking through this book together and answering openly and honestly. It's full of great/deep questions that will help you come to know and understand each other better, as well as understand what your expectations are for each other both now and in the future. It can be awkward at first, but it's so worth it as an avenue for opening up communication in the future.
  
  
• The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
  
• Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
  
  These two books, respectively, opened our eyes to what kinds of love needs both of us had, and gave examples of how to give them. The latter also showed us men need and are really good at giving respect, whereas women need and are really good at giving love, and why it's important to understand the difference.

Hi. :) First and foremost, let me set the expectation that you aren't going to change him into a Dominant. No one has the right to try to change their partner (kinky or vanilla), so that's already off of the table. Either he is or he isn't; but the good news for you is that it sounds like he at least has it in him!

So your task isn't so much to convince him to do dominant things, but instead it's to bring out his natural dominance. Remember, he's got to feel it in the moment too or it's just not real. He wouldn't want you to fake an orgasm, and likewise you wouldn't want him to fake dominance.

How do you bring it out in him? By you being submissive. You control yourself and your own actions, and if you want him to take that control from you then you need to give it to him. Show him that you willingly, desperately, want him to use you in your favorite ways. Let yourself relax and enjoy the bliss of submitting to him even if he doesn't understand it yet.

Practice being submissive to him. When he does something that makes you feel dominated, show him how much you deeply enjoy it. Shout "Yes!" with gusto when he gives you a little spank. Do it even more when he's aggressive during sex. Show him just how much it gets you off when he manhandles you, and soon he'll start to enjoy it even more. He'll feel the surge of power that we Doms get when we feel in charge. His primal instincts will feed off of your cues and he'll get into the swing of it, if he's truly got the wiring for it.

Be patient, as well. This isn't some Hollywood situation in which a single night of passion will flip a switch and suddenly the relationship will be awesome forever onward. It's a mutual learning process for both of you; in fact, even with experienced D/s people it's still a mutual learning process for the rest of our lives.

Kink requires deep trust, constant communication, and clear expectations on all sides. Honestly you need those three things to come naturally with him long before rough stuff in the bedroom will really mean what you want it to mean.

There are a ton of websites and books out there that you can start pulling information and ideas from. I'll recommend my favorite: Conquer Me was written by a female sub for female subs, and I truly recommend it to everyone (especially, ya know, female subs). It's not really a how-to guide nor collection of naughty stories, as much as just the author explaining her perspective as well as sharing the perspectives of others. It's written very sweetly and is an easy read once you get her conversational tone.

Lastly: Welcome to our little subculture! :) You'll find that there is a huge variety of perspectives and philosophies here, so be prepared to cherrypick the concepts that resonate with you and don't worry about the rest. The whole idea is that as long as something is safe, sane, and consensual.... if it makes you happy, it's okay. :D

Remote Vibe First one was DOA, but the replacement worked wonders.

Also just in case you're curious, here's a bunch of other things I've bought off of Amazon:

Rabbit Vibe: NO, breaks too easily

Dual Bullet: Great while it lasts, but sadly breaks after a few sessions

Scissors If you don't have some GET SOME

Two Knotty Boys I highly recommend if you need some knot help

Condoms More are always useful to have

Weighted Nipple Clamps LOVE THESE, your sub might not though

Whip Going strong for two years

Bullet Held out for a while but ultimately broke after a few months

Numb Throat Spray doesn't work

Anal Trainer Set good for training but the middle to biggest is a bit of a jump

Lube Great stuff, lasts a while too

Blindfold Very comfy and durable

Bondage Tape Works well for hte purpose, doesn't adhere like Duct Tape, perfect

Vibe Fantastic Vibe

Rose Petals Show your girl a good, romantic time

Suction Dildo Get it and make her fuck herself on the floor, highly recommend

Butt Plug A good intermediary between the large and medium from before

Mouth Wash Make sure your breath smells clean for sex

Pillows Sleep better

Mini Massager Works reasonably well

Rose Gold Heart Necklace Classy way to show ownership out and about

Rose Gold Heart Bracelet Sams as above but for alternating days

Okay that's a quick overview, let me know for more detail on any, yes I have have bought all of these on Amazon, Dear God I did not realize how much I bought there before now.

Also here's a fun list of tasks and punishments

Fur further ideas just look over this sex map and for a bit more utilitarian, check out this list of Limits I made (pdf version or .xlsx version i.e. excel). For some fun orders steal some from the Contract I wrote (Word Version or pdf)

I'd recommend a number of titles, many of which are free:

Since you already have a foundation in Christian thought, I'd recommend Introduction to Christianity (hint: not actually introductory level) by Joseph Ratzinger. It's pretty theologically dense, but that man is one of the most profound theologians of his generation, and this is his first masterpiece.

If you are interested in morality, particularly in issues of conscience in relationship to subjectivity and objectivity, I strongly recommend Conscience and Truth, by Ratzinger as well (free online).

If you are interested in the contemporary thought of the Catholic Church (we essentially see ourselves as the religion according to reason), I can think of no better volume than a book-length interview Ratzinger gave to Peter Seewald in the late 90's, Salt of the Earth. His words are seriously beautiful.

On the relationship between faith and reason, I'd recommend Ratzinger/Benedict XVI's Regensburg address (free!), and John Paul II's Fides et Ratio (free).

If you are interested in the role of religion vis-à-vis politics and public life, I'd think to read Benedict XVI's addresses at Westminster Hall and at The Bundestag (both free), which are considered as among the finest speeches of his pontificate. If you are interested in Catholic social teaching (i.e. morality relating to economics), I'd go with Caritas in Veritate.

If you are interested in Christian theology relating to death, judgment, heaven and hell, I'd recommend no better book than C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce, which is a beautiful narrative that explains so well Christian theology relating to the last things.

I'd recommend as a general introduction to what faith means the first encyclical released by Pope Francis, Lumen Fidei (free on the Vatican's website), which was mostly written by his predecessor and offers profound meditations on the nature of Christian faith (read together with the first chapter of Introduction to Christianity, I think one would have a solid understanding of what it actually means to believe).

If you wish to know more about Christian sexual ethics (hint: it's not a decontextualized list of prohibitions, but rather a positive command to love totally), I can think of no better volume than Karol Wojtyla's Love and Responsibility, which is a philosophical-theological volume in which Wojtyla expounds on the "personalistic norm"—i.e. the only proper response to another human being is love, as opposed to "use," which is the treating of another as less than human, as an object (applicable also to employers who treat their employees as automatons).

As you can tell, I'm a pretty big fan of the previous pontificate.

> my info: im a super nerd. like i follow the pro starcraft scene and love space, science math etc. in really tall and am fairly lanky.

That's not necessarily bad... but if you want to do well with women, you'd be well served to not look the part of a "super nerd." Dress fashionably, but with a unique edge that sets your style apart from others. If you need help figuring out how to do that, hit up some of your female friends for advice, peruse GQ or Esquire or Mens Vogue, whatever.

> I tend to only have crushes on best friends and my last crush was when i was 17 (different person). Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

Guys get like that when they are scared to break rapport with women, and the only thing they can do is try to use pure "comfort game" to get close to the girls. Unfortunately, the result - as you may have noticed - is not usually favorable. Building comfort is important, but you have to do more... if you want girls, you have to project the vibe of a confident, mature, masculine, "in control", sexual man who "gets it." The "nerdy, insecure, shy, awkward teenage geek" vibe is a lot less effective.


> Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

You probably have both Nice Guy Syndrome and a touch of Disney Fantasy. I highly recommend you read the Dr. Robert Glover book No More Mr. Nice Guy, and the Neil Strauss book The Game. The former should help you understand more about asserting yourself, establishing boundaries, and being more authentic in your interactions with people. The latter will blow your mind in regards to understanding how men and women interact.

After that, it might not hurt to read Way of the Superior Man by Dave Deida.

Also, to disabuse yourself of the notion that women are all sweet and pure and innocent and virtuous and made of light (or sugar and spice and puppy dog tails, whatever) spend some time reading stuff like My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, or The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling, or Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life.

Finally, read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker. That will make a great many things much clearer.

I know this will sound like a "stock" answer, but if you have access to it I really can't recommend therapy enough. The trauma of leaving behind an entity like TSCC is real, deep, and lasting. A therapist, especially one who specializes in issues like faith transitions and sexuality, will be able to help guide you personally toward meeting your own goals.

You might check out /r/SexPositive and try searching or posting or even just subscribing there.

Now, admittedly, for the rest of this I just went down a Google rabbit hole for a bit so I can't say that I know for sure these are solid, but they may be good starting places.

God, Sex and Women of the Bible by Shoni Labowitz may be a good starting place because it returns to the material that was likely used in part to originally teach you these unhealthy attitudes and recasts them in a much more sex positive light.

Because it Feels Good by Debby Herbenick is a simple guide to a huge range of the questions someone who was never taught anything about sex may have. This might help because if you demystify it then it can become less of a boogeyman and more of a bodily function (which it is).

The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti is an academic approach, but basically it looks at the ways culture as a whole has fetishized virginity and caused a lot of women to struggle with their sexuality. So if it would help you to "pull back the curtain" so to speak to look at HOW all this negativity has been drilled into you, it might help.

Similarly, Sacred Pleasure: Sex, Myth, and the Politics of the Body by Riane Eisler takes a historical perspective on the issue, examining the ways in which female sexuality (and sex in general) has been used as a tool to oppress women - and what we can do about that now.

Some people find that starting with themselves can help, so if you think that may be easier than trying to approached partnered sex, Sex for One by Betty Dodson is a tried and true resource for awesome self-love (masturbation) sessions.

Also - for me the thing that has worked the most is surrounding myself with people who have helped me to slowly change over time. Loving partners who are willing to go slow (or go backwards) as well as friends who are willing to talk things out have been indispensable. If you ever need a friend, just PM me. I'm no expert, but I'm happy to listen. :-)

Having gone through something similar I'd recommend a few things. First, recommit to your male friendships or make some new ones. Hang out with the guys regularly. There's something really grounding about good friendships without sexual tension.

Next, I'd read some books to help you figure out how you want to approach life and dating once you're ready for that. The most helpful for me were the following 3 books: No More Mr Nice Guy (This should be required reading for high school boys. It's fantastic.), Models (the ideas from No More Mr Nice Guy applied to dating without the sleaziness some "pick up" material can delve into), and The Way of the Superior Man (some don't like it because of its spiritual bent but the ideas really spoke to me).

I'd also like to applaud you for deciding not to date until the divorce is final. It's a very individual decision, but that's the same choice I made. It just felt right to me. My last piece of advice is a continuation of that idea: don't be in a rush to get back into the dating game even once you're divorce is final. Take some time for yourself. Do some of the things you wanted to do but couldn't while you were married. It may be travel, a particular hobby, or something like changing up your personal style/hair/facial hair (I grew a beastly beard after being clean shaven for years and something simple like that brought me immense joy). Do some things for yourself and get comfortable in your own skin as a single guy. That will not only help you heal but will actually make you more attractive once you're ready to date again.

Anyway, those are the things that I've personally found to be helpful. If you have any follow up questions please let me know. I feel for you and wish you the best of luck.

For your first point. Are you actually interested in knowing? There are ways to increase your attractiveness, without becoming an entirely different person, and other than being:

• in shape
  
• respectful
  
• affectionate
  
  These aren’t BAD qualities, but I wouldn’t say they lead to attraction.
  
  Attraction is an emotion. It requires a bit of push/pull in your interactions with her.
  
  Examples of “pull”:
  
  
• Being affectionate
  
• cuddling
  
• kissing
  
• asking about her day
  
• doing things to make her life easier (making her coffee, helping her with something around the house)
  
  Examples of “push”:
  
  
• Tease her about silly things to make her laugh
  
• Do things that improve YOUR life and support your life’s mission
  
• Let her come to you when she’s busy
  
• Tell her what she can do to help make things better for your relationship.
  
• find something enjoyable to do on your own
  
  In the pull examples only she may feel overly secure in the relationship. This can lead to boredom and apathy. Mixing in a little push is good for both of you. Right now she’s all push and you’re all pull and the balance is off.
  
  You should both find balance with that, but if you start it will initiate better balance for her as well.
  
  Also check out this book (seriously!):
  https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges-ebook/dp/B004A8ZWM4 (if you google it you can find a free pdf version).

I don't know if you read this comment so I'll quote it here for you.

This is what's going on for you.

>I think a lot of women marry men for the wrong reasons. Instead of marrying a guy they really love and are physically attracted too or desire/lust after, they marry the safe security guy with a good job who will be a good provider. They marry the nice guy or the boring guy. The guy their not attracted to so much but know he will treat her right. So from the beginning they never have these desires for their husbands.
>I never wanted to settle or just marry a guy because he was a safe choice. And I got lucky because my SO is someone I truly desire and want. From the beginning our sexual and physical chemistry was always 100%. I always valued physical attraction and looks, and to this day I truly truly find him to be crazy attractive and want him.
>But I know a lot of women don't value looks, dont care about attraction, they just want a guy who can provide or at least be a stable partner. Also, a lot of women want to get married and have kids before a certain age, so they settle even if its someone their not crazy about. And then you end up in a bad loveless marriage.
>


OP, you need to turn yourself into one of the fun men. One of the attractive ones.

You have to make OTHER people attracted to you. That makes your wife want to fuck your brains out. The more woman that want to fuck you the more desirable you are to your wife. It's the opposite of what the world says.

Check out this book, it's perfect for you.

https://www.amazon.ca/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011-ebook/dp/B004W0IRQ8

Good luck man.

As with any other relationship issue, the key here is honest, forthright communication. Talk to your partner, let her know how you feel, and see how she feels.

You said she has an exclusive sexual interest in you, and that may be the case, but I wouldn't count on it. That's one of those little white lies mono people tell each other but it's almost never true. Talk to her, and more importantly, work to create a safe space for both of you to express your feelings honestly without recrimination.

You are also faced with a pretty difficult choice, OP. You're 18. You have your whole life ahead of you and you don't have to commit to anything for the rest of it, not to your girlfriend, and not to any one relationship style. What I recommend is deciding what you want, and then asking for it. Do you want to be non-monogamous with or without her? Do you want to be non-monogamous but only if it doesn't mean you have to break up? Think about that ahead of having conversations with her so you know the answer when she asks.

There are three really good books you should read on the subject: The Ethical Slut, More Than Two, and Opening Up. TES is a great guide to the world of non-monogamy, and all the different ways you can do it, and how. More Than Two is a very practical handbook for poly relationships, and includes a wealth of information on how to maintain your own boundaries and respect your partners, and conduct your relationship ethically. Opening Up specifically focuses on the challenges of and skills necessary to open an existing relationship, and does not just focus on polyamory but also swinging and other forms of non-monogamy.

Best of luck to you and yours, OP!

> So I brought it up and asked if we could work on a time-frame. He refused to discuss a time-frame and told me he still didn't feel ready... I wish that he would open up to me about what his reservations regarding marriage are... but so far... he hasn't. Marriage is very important to me. I've done a lot of soul searching and I know that long term, I couldn't remain happy unmarried.

I think y'all just need to communicate more. Describe to him what marriage means to you. Ask him what marriage means to him. In your minds, how does a married relationship differ from an unmarried one, all else being equal? How does he feel about other big commitments with you, e.g. going halfsies on a mortgage, or a dog, or some kids? Can he happily imagine himself married to you if you were different in some way? If he were different in some trivial way (e.g. his hobbies won't change, or if they do, they will always be compatible with yours)? Are there any external circumstances that he feels need to be met before he is ready for marriage (e.g. the two of you have X moneys saved)? How does he feel about other peoples' marriages -- e.g. high school sweethearts getting married at 18, the fifth marriage of a serial divorcee, a politically strategic marriage arranged between the children of heads of state, etc. What to him would describe the worst plausible marriage? The most common downside to existing marriages? The most common upsides? If you reduce marriage to its base components -- e.g. filing taxes jointly, a public declaration of love and commitment, disincetivising separation, power of attorney, child custody agreement, hospital visitation rights, alimony, etc. etc. which ones does he like least? (e.g. would he be OK with a legal alimony agreement between the two of you, independent of all the other stuff? Would he be ok with a public absolutely-not-marriage-not-legally-binding-at-all handfasting?)

If he's comfortable thinking about taboo-tradeoffs, try to identify roughly how much he prefers not being married to you. Would he marry you if an eccentric billionaire gave you each 1M USD upon seeing your legitimate marriage certificate? $100K? Would he marry you to save a dozen strangers' lives? Would he rather elope with you tomorrow, or chop off three fingers of his choosing? etc. etc. Most people have trouble thinking about their values in this way but it can be quite illuminating. If he can do the either/or's easily, ask him for quantitative pinpoints -- how many fingers would he need to lose to achieve marriage parity?

Do you know each other well enough? For example, can each of you accurately answer these for the other? What about these? Or these, these, these, these, etc. etc.

> I grew up believing that you married the love of your life.

Why is that? To what extent would the institution of marriage have to be different for you not to believe that? e.g. if work relocated the two of you to some foreign culture where it's regarded differently.

Bondage? Bondage is awesome! Such an amazing way to make the bedroom more intimate and fun. There are plenty of great resources out there to help.

Firstly I would highly encourage you to check out /r/BDSMcommunity and read through some of the posts. It's a very positive, helpful group of people that want to make sure everyone is have safe, sexy fun.

For some more specific bondage things, some books on Amazon that are great are: Two Knotty Boys 1, Two Knotty Boys 2, Better Built Bondage, Erotic Bondage, Japanese Bondage, Shibari, Complete Shibari Volume 1: Land,

For websites these are fantastic: Two Knotty Boys, Twisted Monk, The Duchy, Bondage Positions

I haven't actually read this book, but I read her very first book (well it was a self-published thing, Liberating Masturbation) and it was my first real education on the subject. Leading to a lifetime of good times I might add.

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-One-The-Joy-Selfloving/dp/0517886073

Betty Dodson.

Toys are great! and just doing whatever feels good is really great too. I highly recommend toys, I adore vibrators and always have. I recommend the Good Vibrations website for basic info on toys and vibrators.

I think orgasms vary a lot. Also, in my case, they have transformed and changed and developed a lot over the course of my life. I have like five different kinds now. So I'm pretty sure there's no right way.

Also, if you are feeling like you need to pee, grab a towel and let yourself. You may be needing to ejaculate, and if you hold that back it can kind of stop things from working the way they want to. Just give yourself permission to pee, don't worry about it.

The book "And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment" was written by an LDS woman who struggled with a lot of the psychological challenges to being able to enjoy sex within marriage. You should read it with your wife. The book will help you understand better where she's coming from, and may help her see her challenges a little more clearly. You should also encourage her to talk about this with someone else like a therapist. Although she probably loves and trusts you, there's probably just too much at stake for her to be able to express her feelings without holding back they way she needs to in order to deal with these beliefs.

From what I can see, there's nothing wrong with how you are approaching things. You love and care for your wife, and her sexual fulfillment is very important to you. This in no way is a problem with sexual technique, and you aren't a "failure" of a man just because your wife never has had an orgasm. She is dealing with some deep-seated emotional issues and beliefs that she needs to address before she can enjoy sex the way God meant for husbands and wives to enjoy it.

If you live in Utah, send me a private message and I can refer you to a great husband and wife licensed clinical therapist team that I'm confident would be able to help you both figure out these issues.

Sorry if I seem curt, but I know about oxytocin and all that jazz. I read Sperm Wars, Dangerous Passion, and whatever the heck else is required by psych classes. A point I would like to make is that our sexuality isn't monogamous or polyamourous by evolution. People like to read psych books and conclude that we are poly or mono amorous to confirm their own choice.

The truth, as I see it from those texts, is that humans evolved from deceivers. We do we we can get away with, trying to spread our genes as much as possible. Monogamy or polyamory are just strategies employed to achieve this goal, cast of at a moment in favor of gene spreading deception. A polyamourous partner can go outside the relationship just as a monogamous partner can.

It may seem strange that I care so much and I am getting away from the original argument, but I want to drive home that we are not the "prehuman monstrosity" we evolved from. We can stay faithful because, even though it might be in our genetic interest not to, we really care about someone. We are not our genes.

>Laughter to begin with was probably glee at the misfortunes of others. The baring of teeth in laughter hints at its savage ancestry. Animals have no malice, hence also no laughter. They never savor the sudden glory of schadenfreude. It was its infectious quality which made laughter a medium of mutuality.

>Beasts are not beastly. The evil of dehumanization is not that it turns us into animals but turns us into the malignant prehuman monstrosity from which man evolved. -Eric Hoffer

/rant

This is totally normal. I'm generalizing here, a lot of people will fight me on this, but they can get over it. As a man, you should know that men are competitive. It looks bad on you when she doesn't try with her appearance. When a man walks around with his SO dressed nicely, it shows other men that he has done well. If a man walks around with a woman that doesn't try, other men judge that. Guys don't like to admit to this, but it's true.
For advice, this is a really touchy subject. Yes, women can wear whatever they want and don't have to care. Maybe take her to a fancy restaurant and dress really nice. Maybe then she'll feel the need and you can make it known how beautiful she is. Or just tell her you think she is beautiful no matter what and she should show others her beauty. Just don't pressure her to change the woman you fell in love with. Good luck!
Edit: Source http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-Revised-Updated-Edition/dp/1601424442

camgnostic wrote:

I love xeromag's intro and especially the intro for 'nice guys'.

Love the pervocracy although Cliff's more blogger par excellence than resource. Lot's of resource-y links on there.

Not specifically BDSM, but since consent is discussed amongst kinksters more than at the world at large (which is a tragic shame for the world at large), I recommend some yes means yes.

Since shopping comes up a lot, the stockroom, the collar factory, both highly recommended. Also /r/bdsmDIY for those who don't have the money for the high end stuff, or want to try out a new style of play before investing a couple hundred bucks on it.

Paper books I love:

• Douglas Kent's series on Shibari is the best intro-to-tying-up I've ever seen. TKB aren't shabby at all, but Kent teaches you much more in the way of fundamentals, and less made-to-order harnesses/wraps that are only usable in total or not at all (Kent's books tend to have a very long section at the beginning teach all of the basics, not just specific knots, then the harnesses he suggests are merely combinations of those smaller building blocks).
  
  
  
• Taramino's Ultimate Guide to Kink has a great sampler platter of kinks - I haven't met someone yet that didn't find something in there they haven't tried / wanted to know more about / found exciting enough to bring up with a partner. It's a great read, and informative.
  
  That a start?
  
  

I love xeromag's intro and especially the intro for 'nice guys'.

Love the pervocracy although Cliff's more blogger par excellence than resource. Lot's of resource-y links on there.

Not specifically BDSM, but since consent is discussed amongst kinksters more than at the world at large (which is a tragic shame for the world at large), I recommend some yes means yes.

Since shopping comes up a lot, the stockroom, the collar factory, both highly recommended. Also /r/bdsmDIY for those who don't have the money for the high end stuff, or want to try out a new style of play before investing a couple hundred bucks on it.

Paper books I love:

• Douglas Kent's series on Shibari is the best intro-to-tying-up I've ever seen. TKB aren't shabby at all, but Kent teaches you much more in the way of fundamentals, and less made-to-order harnesses/wraps that are only usable in total or not at all (Kent's books tend to have a very long section at the beginning teach all of the basics, not just specific knots, then the harnesses he suggests are merely combinations of those smaller building blocks).
  
  
• Taramino's Ultimate Guide to Kink has a great sampler platter of kinks - I haven't met someone yet that didn't find something in there they haven't tried / wanted to know more about / found exciting enough to bring up with a partner. It's a great read, and informative.
  
  That a start?

When we started dating, we were mono but we discussed both being pansexual and I let him know early on that if he wanted to explore that, I was okay with it, but we had to be really open and honest and communicative/respectful. As time went on and we were exposed to more sort of radical thinking and embracing ourselves more in the comfort of a stable, loving relationship, we decided to fully go for it. It helps to have literature to read together too- there's some great books like More Than Two that could help guide the process, if you want to approach it with your partner :)

If you look at meta as added value for your partner, something that simply increases his happiness, and know it's nothing against relationship between you both - you should be fine :). Both of you are in that happy position that you mutually care about each other, respect your freedom, and don't try to enforce or forbid anything. In my opinion it's absolutely wonderful way to love another person, so... just enjoy what you have :).

If you're looking for a good quick read specifically about jealousy, there's an excerpt from More Than Two separately published as Polyamory and Jealousy - quick read, 30 pages, definitively worth looking at. But I'd recommend getting MTT, too - it covers wide range of mechanics and situations you might encounter when being close more than 1 partner. You can find useful tips about building healthy hierarchical relationships there, too.

Dude, your wife just had a baby...it's going to be hard for her to adjust (physically and emotionally) to that. Life will be different, but you can still have a good sex life. Make sure you communicate your feelings to her and tell her it's important to you to have a good sex life because it helps you connect...not just for pleasure.

If she's resistant to that communication then I would suggest some couples therapy. You can also check out the books "[For Men Only] (https://www.amazon.com/Men-Only-Straightforward-Guide-Inner/dp/B0035G04Q6)"
for you, and "For Women Only" for her.

It's a view of men's and women's perspective on life, love and sex. It helped me better understand how most women view sex and how that's different from myself. My SO also found that she understood my needs better and our sex life has improved tremendously.

I'm 30 and have lower back issues and when I read your post, it instantly hit me.

I've had lower back issues (disc degeneration in l4/l5 and stenosis) for about 10 years now and it wasn't until 5 years ago that things really got serious. When that happened, my sex drive went downhill and that was without any sort of drugs.

The key here is to talk. Like everyone else on this thread, you need to talk about it. Ask him what he thinks or what would be comfortable. If you don't know where to begin, buy this book:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1885535457/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

It's not specific with lower back pain and sex, but it does open your mind up to other experiences that might help fulfill this need in both of you. Feel free to read it yourself before bringing it up. Or just buy it and tell him that you're both going to read it every night. Ask him to explore the options with his doctor.

I tell you. Its tough. And any sort of movement scares the shit out of us. Mostly because us guys, are pretty weak when it comes to pain tolerance. I know for myself, I'm very sensitive. But my wife and I talk about it all the time, we have toys and we experiment.

Here are some things I do:

• Before sex, I take an advil or a higher pain medication
  
• Everyday I pay particular attention to my sex drive, if I'm feeling it I work on some small crunches throughout the day to strengthen my abs
  
• Flexibility is key, encourage him to stretch
  
• Use sex furniture: https://www.liberator.com/ - some of the positions here help in keeping the back straight while enjoing sex
  
• Toys, play around and see what works - don't feel bad if something doesn't work - just laugh it off
  
  And ultimately remember, sex is supposed to be fun. Surprise him with a handjob or blowjob. Force him to go down on you. Smoke some weed. Anything - but have fun.
  
  Hope this helps!

Just wanted to reiterate some of what CritFailingLife said. As a woman, I've also noticed that the less I have sex, the less I feel interested, and sometimes my boyfriend and I have to sort of "restart" my sex drive. We both know that, though, so it's not too contentious to talk about it or to sort of "go through the motions" to get back into it. I didn't realize other women (or people in general) have this issue until I read this thread, but I'm not surprised.

I don't think anyone should feel like they are obligated to have sex, but at the same time I think sex is an important part of a relationship, and it's not right to go on forever (or for a long, long time) without having sex and expect your partner to just suck it up. I absolutely agree with what everyone else here has said--you should not go looking for it somewhere else because that can be the death knell of your relationship.

However I also really agree with what others have said about how you should wait until a neutral time and talk it over with your wife. Communication is everything. It helps my boyfriend and I understand each other and take care of each other, so it's good in itself. As a bonus, I also feel most likely to want to have sex when I feel my boyfriend and I really understand each other, so that's just another reason to talk things through.

Ask her why she thinks she's not very interested in sex. Ask her what role she thinks sex does or should play in any relationship, and in your relationship specifically, especially over the long term. Ask her if there's anything new she'd like to try in bed, anything she'd like you to do differently. She may be shy or reserved about some of these questions (I have no idea--it varies from person to person) but at least it can get her thinking about it.

Finally, awhile back my boyfriend and I read these books (one for men, one for women) together. They are Christian-based, and we are not Christians, but we still found them very interesting. You're supposed to read them separately from each other (hence the titles) but we actually read both together, taking turns reading to each other while we did other things around the house, and it sparked so many great conversations.

We didn't agree with every single thing in the books but they had a lot of good points, and there were some chapters on sex, and how men and women sometimes approach it differently. I thought it was very helpful--I felt like I understood my boyfriend better after reading it. I'm not saying that every man and woman fits the pictures painted in these books, but I expect many do, so maybe that would help too.

You have it made, little brother. You're beginning this journey at an optimal age. Your life, starting now, will be an amazing climb into all manhood has to offer the bold. Congratulations.

Now. Here are the instructions I would've given 17-year-old me.

Read:

The Way of Men by Jack Donovan.

The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida.

Everything by Robert Greene.

The works of Rudyard Kipling, Jack London, and Mark Twain. Plus Jules Verne if you enjoy science fiction. Read as many other classical authors as you want, there's a very good reason their work has stuck with us.

Psychology texts. Philosophy texts. Study how to think, what it means to think, and how the way people think has changed throughout history.

Speaking of, history texts. Learn from the triumphs and failures of men before you.

Do:

Study nutrition & exercise science. I recommend looking into the Paleo nutrition philosophy, but make up your own mind based on your own research. In fact, making up your own mind based on your own research should probably be the number one thing you focus on. Never follow the lead of the herd.

Learn how to build habits. This will help to increase your productivity throughout your life. Find your ideal routine, and stick with it until it's natural; then feel free to deviate occasionally. Practice mindfulness at all times.

Learn to fight. Martial arts, boxing, wrestling - study some form of self-defense, preferably more than one. When you can handle yourself in a fight, you've taken one step further along the path of truly understanding yourself.

Study people. Talk to people. Befriend people. Piss people off when you have cause. Ultimately, lead people.

Pursue your passions. Explore what makes you tick. Know your strengths, and excel at them.

Above all else, remember:

Think with your mind. Act from your balls.

Check out this link: https://www.loveandrespect.com/blog/his-need-for-sexual-intimacy-not-wrong-just-different

This writer wrote a book called Love & Respect, and talks about how a husband's needs for sex are different, but still a need. Here's a snippet:

"Of course, most wives recognize this need but honestly she wants him to want sex when she wants sex and not want sex when she doesn’t want sex. She subconsciously wishes for him to be like a woman. But upon reflection, we need to see just how vulnerable he is, not just to sexual deprivation but to dishonor.

Truth be told, this is more about respect than sex. A wife can shame her husband for wanting sex more than she does. She sends the message that not only is there something wrong with him, he is unloving toward her. Oh, yes, she has a desire for sexual intimacy when ovulating and when wanting a baby. Her hunger for sex then is all-pervasive. Of course, he doesn’t reject her but if he did, what might she feel? Even so, why can’t he wait until she is in the mood for sex? If he were a loving man, he should know (and her son should know when he gets married, right?) that a woman prefers sex less than a man does, and he has a responsibility to serve her and align himself with her emotional and sexual interests, and be in rhythm with her, and never request sex more than she wants sex.  

First, realize that his sexuality is much different than yours. And this is part of God’s wonderful, unique designs for man and woman. Proverbs 5:19 says, “As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love.”

Second, a wife should recognize that her husband needs sexual release just as she needs emotional release (intimacy). In 1 Corinthians 7:5, Paul wrote, “Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

​

If you haven't purchased the book yet, might I suggest getting it and reading it with your wife together.

Here's a link to it

Not specifically about the female body, but an AWESOME resource about sexuality in general is The Guide to Getting It On. Honestly a super fun and informative read with tons of fun facts, advice, comics, etc:
Https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Getting-Paul-Joannides-Psy-D/dp/1885535457

Betty Dodson is also a big name in female sexual pleasure.. I'm personally not a huge fan but her following is ginormous and she has alot of info on her website: http://dodsonandross.com

I would definitely recommend 2 podcasts... not necessarily about the female body but about the female perspective. Guys We Fucked is a podcast hosted by 2 female comedians who talk about their sex lives in a refreshingly candid way... definitely gives you an insight into what goes in the heads of the average girl. On the flip side, there's Stuff Mom Never Told You which is more a feminist podcast that talks about the history and social framework surrounding a bunch of issues. Not all SMNTY episodes are exclusively about sexuality, but there are a bunch of episodes that are.

Omgyes is a fun website to check out too! https://www.omgyes.com/

I strongly strongly recommend Becoming a Family That Heals! Very transformative for me in my marriage. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1589975758?pc_redir=1407289773&robot_redir=1

Love and Respect is another great one
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1591451876?cache=7381f9cf815762840a2c9aa39069a4d3&pi=SY200_QL40&qid=1408049786&sr=8-1#ref=mp_s_a_1_1

I can share more information/testimony if you want to message me, we have overcome a lot of issues in our almost 10 year relationship and we lead a small group for married couples. I'm happy to help however I can! Good luck and God bless you guys!

It's not really a paperback book, but I really want it for the following reasons:

1. It's really cute.
   
   
2. It's one of the readings at my wedding next year.
   
   
3. I think it's just a lovely story.
   
   
4. So it goes, :P.
   
   Currently I am reading the Enchanted Forest Chronicles Series by Patricia C. Wrede. This is my favorite book series, I just finshed the second book, "Searching for Dragons" and hope to read the third book "Calling on Dragons" as soon as it arrives at my library from whatever other library it was borrowed from.
   
   Library = free books = awesome!

There are literally entire books written about this type of thing (see Love and Responsibility). There isn't enough room here to do it justice, but I'll try to address some of your concerns.

> I believe love trumps all

I think that you should begin by examining what you really mean by this, and if that is really what you believe. This is a view that has probably become quite popular because of American culture. In all the romantic movies, the guy and the girl usually end up running away together and everything works out because they "love" each other. But that's now the way real life works, and I think it's a poor depiction of what real love is. Does love in fact trump all? That's a personal question about your own beliefs that I can't answer for you, but that you should think about.

I also want to mention that I think you should read Genesis 2-3. When I read that passage it helps me understand that men and women are, in fact, not "equal". They are not exactly the same. They are two completely different beings with different body parts and traits, who are both created in the image of God.

Kudos for surfing the reddit threads.

Open-relationships are WORK. Honesty and communication are #1 on that list. It can 100% work where only one partner is open, and that's totally fine.

Lately, the r/polyamory boards are *mostly cis-hetero couples wanting to open their relationships so their wives can sexually explore or so they can have threesomes....so as of late, I wouldn't suggest that /r being your best option.

What I can suggest (to start with) is this:

• Do a local google search for "*YOUR CITY* polyamory support groups"
  
• Invest in some books and self-help guides, and use your internet resources
  
  • https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships-ebook/dp/B07H46BBC7/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=opening+up&qid=1571834918&sr=8-1
    
  • https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory-ebook/dp/B01DQ20WZQ/ref=rtpb_1/131-7088719-2711522?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B01DQ20WZQ&pd_rd_r=70725391-400a-4ff5-a78d-8345224ccfa1&pd_rd_w=OElyg&pd_rd_wg=m6olF&pf_rd_p=7775a5bd-b826-4387-ab97-911f28a0f0db&pf_rd_r=NNJTPNWV2E5SY8ZR74B7&psc=1&refRID=NNJTPNWV2E5SY8ZR74B7
    
  • http://polyweekly.com/ << they have an amazing podcast and blog
    
  • https://www.morethantwo.com/
    
  • Also, try to become part of a facebook group for poly relationships or poly support - I find that space to be a little better in terms of support.
    
• Take it slow, continue in therapy, and define the needs, wants, and expectations from each other
  
• Good luck!

So, I looked over your posting history before making this list. It seems like you have a confident head on your shoulders and understand women reasonably well.

1. You do mention masturbating to porn 3-4 times a day, which is on the high side. I don't have any particular resources for that, and you said you didn't see it as a problem or affecting you at the moment. In a relationship, I've found that high masturbation levels means that I'm not romancing my wife, and am less affectionate. This causes relationship stress. It also affects how much I enjoy sex, so if I masturbate less I enjoy sex more. For me porn is also an emotional crutch - because the pron mimics feelings of extreme sexual success, so there's often an emotional need that is being met (not just horniness) that you're fulfilling with porn. Some deep personal introspection and self reflection can help identify what is really going on inside of you. Just a thought. ;)
   
2. What women want when they test men by Bruce Bryans. Hands down one of the best resource for identifying women's various tests, whether you're just dating or in a long term relationship.
   
3. Sex God Method by Daniel Rose. Hands down the most useful book on sex ever. Reading it instills a cockiness in me that can't be matched by anything else... And drives my wife completely nuts in bed.
   
4. Athol Kay's various resources. I like this six part video series where he breaks down 6 aspects of relationship.
   
5. No More Mr. Nice Guy. I thought I didn't need this book and that I was doing well, and then I read it.
   
6. Emotional Intelligence. Goleman is the seminal guy on this, and there are many other good books.
   
7. Management Courses. No joke. I went through a simple cert via my local CC and it blew my mind.
   
8. Charisma Courses. I've attached the link to the program I've tried, it worked pretty well, but a bit pricey. they have a good youtube channel... But the program actually forces you to practice the lessons so it's a lot more useful.
   
   Whatever catches your interest. :D

http://www.amazon.com/Conquer-girl-girl-fulfilling-submissive/dp/189015976X

"Conquer Me!" is really nice for understanding Subbie girls and our needs.

However, the book for you is probably "The Loving Dom", its a great book on both how to manage the relationship, and how to play and what all the toys are for. My Master loved it.

Also HEAVILY recommended is Kinkacademy.com, a payed (but they have some free) educational website with all sorts of videos. It has been very valuable for my Master and me.

As for the side question, that means that you are normal. Full lifestyle 24/7 couples, though respected in (at least my) community, are not the norm. However, even though I am 24/7, I have a lot of non-bdsm sex, because it's want my Master wants at the time.

TLDR: "Conquer me", "The Loving Dom" and kinkacademy.com will help you a bunch, also look at Fetlife.

Is she trying to drag you down, or does she think it's just playful teasing? If she thinks it's just playful teasing, then maybe you could try bringing it up (calmly, using "I statements", and all that) sometime when you're on a dinner/coffee date.

If she's acting with malice, rather than ignorance, there's probably a reason. I would recommend reading "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. You may want to follow that with "The Five Love Languages" to find more specific ways of showing love (to her) and respect (to you). These are hands-down the best relationship/marriage books I have read, religious or secular.

(disclaimer: both books are written by Christian authors and contain references to the Bible. Both books are very accessible to and useful for non-Christians.)

Good luck.

The Way of the Superior Man

https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges-ebook/dp/B004A8ZWM4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1502141443&sr=8-1&keywords=superior+man

>This book will offend and infuriate some, inspire and test others, but challenge virtually everybody. I found it wise, insightful, occasionally brilliant, and always resourceful. To transcend the body-mind means to transcend and include its sexuality, not transcend and evaporate it. Few are the books that discuss strong sexuality within strong spirituality, instead of tepid sexuality diluted by a mediocre spiritual stance. This book steps straightforwardly into the challenge. Love it or loathe it, it is a shout from the heart of one perspective of the eternal masculine."

More Than Two by Franklin Veaux. If The Ethical Slut is the non-monogamy bible, then More than Two is the Polyamory handbook. It is a must read.


Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Opening Up is a good supplementary book. Overall not as good as More than Two, but it has some unique takes on poly that is worth reading.


Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory by Minx M. Honestly I have not gotten around to reading this yet, but it is by Cunning Minx of the Polyamory Weekly podcast, so the author knows what she is talking about.


Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan. This books it last on my list because it tries to pawn itself off as science when in truth it is more of philosophy. It makes good arguments, and backs them up with some data, but the evidence is nowhere as strong as Dr. Ryan wants to claim.

EDITED TO ADD:

If you are going to do non-monogamy it is always a good idea to improve your communication skills. Here are some recommended books on improving communication skills.

The Usual Error. This is a more basic communication book. It is a really good read that will point out some basic mistakes you probably make in communicating.

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. This is almost a whole new way of communicating. It is advanced level communications skills. Even incorporating some of the ideas in this book will help you tremendously in hard conversations.

I wish I had read this book and implemented it proactively as it should be instead of reactively how it's almost always done. This should be required reading for all men In a ltr or marriage.

https://www.amazon.ca/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011-ebook/dp/B004W0IRQ8

You have to maintain your spouse's attraction to you. Your wifes attraction to you is an organic thing, it can become injured, broken or even dead.

And ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. That book was written for men only but athol Kay has had so many woman flock to his blog he had to shut his forum down. He wrote an updated version that's more accessible to both genders. I recommend the fist book but I'll drop this one here for other guys if they want more information.

https://www.amazon.ca/Mindful-Attraction-Plan-Practical-Creating-ebook/dp/B00DINECUU

First habit of a highly effective person:

BE PROACTIVE!

Don't allow your wife to lose her attraction for you.

Also, drop the idea of dysney love. Admiration and respect, that's the Stanley Cup of marriage. Also, unsolicited blowjobs.

And if what /u/uncommon_sense_123 says is true, you need to fix your head before getting married because getting mareid won't fix your head.

If you liked Theology of the Body, you'd probably also enjoy Love and Responsibility, which he wrote first. It's a bit dense, but if you study philosophy you shouldn't have any trouble.

I absolutely agree with your sentiment! It's a shame that these ideas aren't more widespread. I think the best thing we can do is to 1) keep talking about it, making it appear as exciting and truthful as it is, and 2) living it out to the best of our abilities.

I recommend https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory-ebook/dp/B01DQ20WZQ/ to you.

I think it's important to realize that your worst fears might come to pass. Which is actually a source of security, not insecurity.

There's a chance that your relationship with her might change, even if she doesn't think it will.

The question is, do you lock her down to avoid that chance, or do you accept the possibility?

You can improve your skills if you'd like to. You could perhaps, if this would work for her, invite her to tell you about what she's doing with the other partner, what she likes and doesn't like. You could ask her, when and if she might be ready to try this, to practice with you what she's learned so that you can learn how to be the kind of DD that she likes.

However, if your desire to improve skills is coming from a place of insecurity, of not wanting to "lose" her to someone "better" than you in some way, that's probably not going to work... you could study hard and become a super duper DD and yet still "lose" a partner to someone else for some other attribute.

Your security comes not from controlling things that you can't actually control, but recognizing that you'll be OK. You want and hope this relationship will last, and you're willing to put in the effort and do your part to make it last, yet if it doesn't last you'll be alright. Someone else will come to you, who is a good match for you and who you are as a person and the skills you have.

BDSM is the last sort of sexual activity that people should just throw themselves into in order to "see what happens" without going in-depth with their partner(s) about their needs, desires, fantasies, and expectations and providing opportunities for understanding and negotiation.

As any kinkster will tell you, awesome, mind-blowing, fulfilling sex lying within the BDSM spectrum (and that kind of sex in general) is built on three things: communication, communication, and communication.

The good people over at /r/BDSMcommunity would be able to answer a lot of questions that might arise once you've discussed things openly and honestly with your girlfriend. Here are some great print resources you should look into:

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, by Jay Wiseman

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge, edited by Tristan Taormino

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission, by William Brame, Gloria Brame, and Jon Jacobs

The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy

If you are both going to be reading books on your own you have to make an agreement even sign an actual written contract to each other and post it in your kitchen on the firdge or something that says you are both willing to make the effort to WANT to fix things. There is a great book that my wife and I both loved called "Love and Respect" Dr. Eggerich is a GREAT speaker and it's an amazing book that might change the way you think about your relationship. If you want to have a little intro into the book you can find some of his conference sessions on youtube here. Sit down and watch this together and then decide whether you want to read the book together or seperately and talk about it often.

It's awesome that you care so much about your husband's sexual needs, and great that you're thinking outside the box. If you and he keep talking, you may be able to make this work. I'd suggest you read some books on ethical nonmonogamy, like Opening Up and More Than Two and keep talking to your husband. Maybe get him to read these books as well, or at least selected chapters.

I do think you have some unrealistic ideas at this point in time.

>so really only want him to go to someone else when it has been lot of migraines without very many good days

Any mistress that your husband might find will be a real person, with needs and expectations of her own. She's not likely to be okay with servicing him only when you have migraines and not hearing from him at other times. It's hard for most men to find a woman for NSA sex, unless he's extremely good-looking and charismatic, or unless he straight-up pays her, like an escort or sugar baby. This doesn't mean opening the relationship won't work, it's just something it sounds like you haven't considered yet.

Readings-wise, I do my requisite duty to support Edward Monkton's A Lovely Love Story, full text available online here, also known as "the lovely other dinosaur story."

Lighting the Beacons is possibly my favorite movie scene of all time, from a cinematic perspective, but the music isn't quite my personal taste for a wedding processional. But that's me! If you want to stick with LOTR, what about the Rohan theme (long version, short version) or Concerning Hobbits? And I would love to go to the wedding where the full party or bride walks in to Misty Mountains Cold.

For readings, we will use 1 Corinthians 13 and the dinosaur story. I will probably walk in to something from the Battlestar Galactica soundtrack, but I bounce back and forth on what. "Skyfall" by Adele is an outside contender. We have no wedding party; FH hasn't decided yet whether he'll walk down the aisle with his mom, use his own music, use the same song I do, etc.

We'll walk out to Hooked on a Feeling; that's not a question. :)

I'm happily paired off now, but used to follow this stuff more. For guys seeking women, I think the books The Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay and Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson are the books that best encompass the best advice that I accumulated over the years, and that has worked for me and other guys I know.

If your wife could stand to lose a few pounds as well, that makes it a bit easier for you. Just start to slowly increase your relative sexual appeal above hers and she will respond accordingly—she will start to come out of that shell. This is not something I am just making up to be crass. It is not something you, or any woman—including your wife—has conscious control over either. Women are biologically programmed to seek out good sperm, and this doesn't end after marriage. Good sperm does not come from overweight video game addicts. It comes from healthy, strong, confident men. Men who can protect them from wild beasts. For a good primer on the subject check out Athol Kay.

It's synesthesia. I have it too. Colors/associations (and taste, touch) etc etc apply to everything for me so of course with sexual things as well.

My favorite thing is that I get real vivid imagery per sexual position. Like one's a big building full of empty rooms. Ones a trainyard at dusk. Another, barrels floating down a river. I have no idea why--it's very mysterious. 😂

As for orgasm, here's a good book if you're looking for some help:

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Female-Orgasm-Extraordinary-Guide/dp/1569242763

Clitoris is your best friend.

Edit: Another thing to keep in mind for orgasms are things like anti-depressant medications (or anything imcreasing serotonin). It can make it super difficult sometimes.

Don't use rope if you are just starting out. If you insist on using rope make sure to have a sharp pair of trauma shears to cut her out if things get to deep and you can't get the knots out. I would suggest you use old ties or go buy some straps from your local fetish shop. Depending on what you plan to get into besides the bondage (spanking, sensation play, pets) setting safe words and talking though things is a must. Besides it is amazing how turned on it will make both of you. For it to work it has to make you both happy.
Talking through with her will let you know more of what she is interested in, willing to try, and not willing to try. That way it keeps everything moving in the right direction for both of you. Consensual and safe is the key. Once a safe word or signal is used everything has to stop immediately and should end the scene. Take her out of the room and talk things through. Then if you want to move forward with something else you can start fresh. There are some decent books I would suggest you both read. There are also some great blogs depending on what you are looking for.
https://www.amazon.com/Different-Loving-Sexual-Dominance-Submission/dp/0679769560

Think about it this way: your pregnancy is a miracle. If you ask any woman ever who chose to keep a pregnancy over terminate it, they will say to you that keeping their baby was the best decision in the world. Coming from someone who works in the family business and just found out I'm pregnant, I understand your concern over it. There's lots of questions about how everyone will handle marketing without my help when my baby gets here, but... a baby is so much more to your family in the long run. This life will bring you so much joy and happiness. Having the love of a child in your life could help you through your depression and bring perspective to your mind. Your family will be there to help.

As for you and your husband, this is a great book: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1463634908&sr=1-1&keywords=love+and+respect

It's really great for communication issues!

Sure! As mentioned, I do think the book I linked before is the best one, but here are some others that I personally own:

• The Book of Questions
  
  
• If... Questions for the Game of Life
  
  
• If^2... 500 New Questions for the Game of Life
  
  
• The Book of Horrible Questions (this one is pretty depraved, so be advised it's not for everyone!)
  
  And there's this one, which I don't own but it might also be good:
  
  
• If^3... Questions for the Game of Love
  
  Lastly, I have the Q&A a Day journal and enjoy filling it out on my own. There's a Q&A a Day for couples that might be fun to fill out with your SO, among many other couples' journals.
  
  I think it'd be cool to have one copy of whichever journal for each person; they could be filled out independently and you could compare answers with your SO!

Give him a copy of this http://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011-ebook/dp/B004W0IRQ8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1420726216&sr=8-1&keywords=Married+man+sex+life+primer


Then make damn sure he reads it. You're a guy, so if you go to him and tell him frankly that the relationship is in danger and the sense of comfort he has created is smothering the passion, it's going to mean more coming from you than it will coming from your sister (or pretty much any woman).

MMSL is the best book I've read on balancing alpha traits and beta traits to maintain a relationship's stability and closeness while also maintaining desire and carnal attraction.

Caveat: As your sister's boyfriend steps his game up, his SMV runs the risk of getting to the point where he may be able to pull better women than your sister. Tread cautiously, make sure she's ready to keep improving herself too.

Fantastic, and very cute! Love when people make their weddings more personal and non-traditional. Cookie cutter weddings are so boring,

Reminds me of A Lovely Love Story by Edward Monkton:

ttp://amzn.com/0740763083

Your friend reminds me of Lori Gottlieb and her memoiresque book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. Terrible title, but in the book she goes through all of the dumb reasons for rejecting perfectly good potential partners and tries to correct her mistakes before it's too late. It's pretty depressing. But really opened my eyes to being open-minded about dating (I read it when I was 26). I have certain dealbreakers, but now I see how silly things like dorky clothing or snoring or doesn't have a dog have NOTHING to do with whether or not someone will make a good life partner. I wish my sister would read the book, she's about to become just like your friend.

The tone of this poster is very inflamatory, but the information in the above post is backed by some serious research. Reproduction is major business, after all animals have adapted to their detriment to attract mates (think male peacocks, those tails make them easier prey.) Humans are just as influenced by biology as any other animal. We however, can educate ourselves and modify our behaviors as we see fit. I highly recommend the following books to anyone with the smallest interest in this topic. They are all fascinating reads and I guarentee brain = asplode when you read them.

Sperm Wars by Robin Baker

The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature, by Matt Ridley

The Selfish Gene, by Richard Dawkins

The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People by David P. Barash Ph.D. and Judith Eve Lipton

Also, I'm a gal, and understanding how evolutionary biology made humans behave the way they do has been a real eye opener. Let me tell you, bars and clubs are infinitely more amusing now. The people watching has taken on a whole new level of entertainment!

EDIT: The links were messed up, had to fix that.

This is a myth. Sex should never hurt, whether it's your first time or your hundredth time. I suspect (and hope) myasianwife is just trollin'.

Coupla resources that might help the OP : THIS is the best book I've found on the subject, get it http://www.amazon.com/Love-Female-Orgasm-Extraordinary-Guide/dp/1569242763

If she's afraid of the big bad First Time Sex Must Hurt myth, read this http://www.scarleteen.com/article/pink/from_ow_to_wow_demystifying_painful_intercourse

Actually, there's loads of useful stuff at Scarleteen.com, she should have a good broggle about there.

Be kind, be gentle, be supportive. I learnt sooooo much from helping a couple of virginal friends. Good luck!

Here are a few books I would highly recommend for men (and women as well):

• Wild at Heart by John Etheredge. For Men. The companion book for Women is Captivating. These are Christian books, discussing God's design for men and women. Even if you are not a Christian and have no desire to be, I think you may find some of the discussion very revealing or at the very least intriguing. These are not so much good "learn to communicate" books, as they are "understanding who I really am on a basic level" books.
  
  
• Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Another Christian Book, this one on the biblical view of marriage. Again, if you're not a Christian, I still recommend it as a resource for marriage. There are some fundamental principles of marriage that transcend religion that can benefit both spouses. For men and women.
  
  
• Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie. This book is required reading if you or your partner grew up in a household with an addict (parent or sibling), an abusive parent, or single parent/divorced home with high conflict. It is not faith based, for men and women.
  
  
• The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This is a great book that breaks down how we're all different, and we get our needs in a relationship satisfied in different ways. Understanding what your partner needs is fundamental to having a healthy relationship.
  
  
• The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. This is another great resource for understanding effective communication within an intimate relationship, whether you are male or female.
  
  After that, if you have more specific issues in your story, like childhood trauma, there are more specific routes to go down. I also strongly encourage enlisting the aid of a counselor, therapist, and/or pastoral counselor if you or your partner are struggling with childhood baggage.
  
  

People will inevitably disagree with this, but with current technology offering anybody a paternity test that only costs about $200 including lab fees AND the test only requires a cheek swab (no blood), I AM GOING TO PATERNITY TEST EVERY KID I HAVE (if I ever have kids). I might love her to death, I might trust her as much as I can trust another person, but I simply can not NOT do this with what I know about how often this happens (around 10% of all kids born are not the biological child of the man who's name ends up on the birth certificate, the number's the same for husband/wife couples where the husband thinks the kid is his: about 10% of the time it's not).

Check out a book called Sperm Wars: http://www.amazon.com/Sperm-Wars-Infidelity-Conflict-Bedroom/dp/1560258489/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1254206435&sr=8-1

There's a VERY good chance that your dad is not your biological father.

I Like You
http://www.vanessawhartoncelebrant.com.au/a-super-cute-reading-i-like-you-by-sandol-stoddard-warburg/

https://www.amazon.com/Like-You-Sandol-Stoddard-Warburg/dp/0395071763
and

A Lovely Love Story
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=89EzCFxPJxg

https://www.amazon.com/Lovely-Love-Story-Edward-Monkton/dp/0740763083/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=DDN9Z990FTHQR8QK3YN3
Are adorable.

Bonus: ALLS is about dinosaurs!! (Though you may want to customize some of the language about shopping or whatever to suit your personalities, since it's a bit gender stereotyped.)

I just got this story for my FH for our engagement-versary, and I think it would make such a cute reading. It's called A Lovely Love Story, and it's ADORABLE and funny (you can read it in full here).

Edit: added a word or two

It's still irrelevant. You're better off getting a part time job and renting a room off campus than living under the thumb of your parents. I do live alone and have graduated with an undergrad and masters degree. I had a very difficult and painful time setting boundaries with my parents, but in the end it was worth it.

I strongly suggest reading The way of the superior man it is an excellent read and well worth the time and money.

Omg this was me! I seriously couldn't come any other way until I was 24, and it took about 4 months of practice (on my own time and with my SO).

I bought the book [I <3 Female Orgasm] (http://www.amazon.com/Love-Female-Orgasm-Extraordinary-Guide/dp/1569242763) and it has a bunch of really good advice if you're looking to branch out into other ways of coming. I still love masturbating that way, but I have to say, being able to come from a partner's hand is immensely satisfying. :)

Hopefully we will have something Christian on the Sidebar soon. In the meantime, I would check out Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011. This is a super-practical book about the truth in male / female dynamics in marriage.

After that, check out The Way of the Superior Man. This book goes deeper into the finer points necessary to successfully calibrate and internalize things imo.

Neither of these are Christian books, so read with discernment. However, I have found both to be EXTREMELY helpful.

> The thing which they don’t get is not that I can’t get an attractive guy to date me, it’s just that I can’t find a guy that is looking to get settle down.

The men in your age bracket who want to get married have most likely gotten married already.

I am most certainly way outside of the bracket you're looking for, but there are definitely guys looking to settle down and get married who are older than you. Or younger than you. I wasted my "prime" dating years by dating women who didn't want to get married and who didn't want kids. I thought they'd change their mind as they heard their "biological clock" ticking. I thought love would solve everything. I was wrong.

> I am a woman in my 30s and whenever I tell people about the dating pool for an older woman, everyone tells me to take an axe to my standards.

That's the premise of a book I read recently: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.

One of the exercises that the author had to go through herself was to separate her needs from here wants. Wants are things that are nice to have, that would make things pleasant and enjoyable (like a good sense of fashion). Needs are things that cause pain when they're not present (like love or oxygen). If you have 10 wants, a potential partner could miss some, most, or all of the wants and still make a good partner. If you have 10 needs, a potential partner that misses even a single one of them gets rejected before the first date.

My advice would be to prioritize your standards, and to separate them into wants and needs.

Would love to win this book although it's not going to be the most interesting.

this one would also make me very happy

Many couples get married because they love each other but being in love is not enough. You have to be compatible as well - that means being able to solve problems, having similar life goals, etc. If you can go through a book like this then maybe you can stay together, not necessarily that he's marriage material:
http://www.amazon.com/1001-Questions-Ask-Before-Married/dp/0071438033

EVERYONE should go through a book like this before getting married. It would put many divorce lawyers out of business.

The other posters here seem to have decided that you're the problem here. Maybe you are. ? You have to judge that.

However, I really recommend this book. It's referenced in the sidebar, but hidden a little. Personally, I consider it to be the virtual bible of this sub:

https://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011-ebook/dp/B004W0IRQ8

That book describes an entire process you can use to improve yourself and finally put your relationship on the right track. If you cannot fix it, it recommends a process you can follow all the way through ending the relationship if needed.

In short, you are the leader in this relationship, whether you know it or not. And women absolutely do follow the lead of the man most times. You need to focus fixing you and your behavior though before you can expect changes from her. Once you've made those fixes, use the process in the book to help her take things to the next level.

Even if you do end things with her, I still recommend following the MAP process in the book. It absolutely will leave you in a better place than you seem to be now.

You're not a terrible person; shes a difficult person. You wanted to do something nice and logical and conventional, yet she denied it adamantly initially. Then you do the best thing given her wishes and she gets upset for it not being enough.


Look, I don't know your wife or you or your relationship dynamics, but given this situation and the information at hand, she seems to me like the kind of person that likes to be overly dramatic. The perpetual victim. The kind of person that will huff and puff and stomp around because something is wrong, but when you ask what's wrong she says, "Oh, it is nothing."


Dont let it get to you. If I am right about her character, I would highly suggest counseling because such a mentality is toxic. I also suggest reading some literature, as apparently it has changed the lives of many men. This book is a good one:


The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004A8ZWM4/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_mAW6AbB7TY4T6

I'm 46 now and married, but I was single for a while in my late 30's. I'd say the only real difference in dating nowadays is the more or less ability to be constantly connected. I'm mostly talking about texting. I had teenage kids, so was very well acquainted with it when I started dating again, but I can see that that might not be the case for you.

In my experience, sex is pretty much still the same, though with possibly less hair. However, it does sound like you're a bit sexually inexperienced/sheltered. I suggest you might want to read She Comes First. If you feel that isn't enough, you can also go with The Guide To Getting It On.

Me and my wife were TBM's when we got married (in the temple), and therefore had not done anything more risque than french kissing before our wedding night. However, we did a lot of reading and research about the topic, and tried to be communicative about what we expected.

I recommend this book:
And They Were Not Ashamed by Laura Brotherson. She is a TBM certified family councilor, and the book is about approaching sexuality from a positive, healthy viewpoint. She confronts a lot the the problems with how the church handles sexuality very constructively.

Finally, after reading that and talking it over, we decided NOT to just plunge into things on the wedding night; to take it slowly. This is an approach I (as an ex-mormon) and my wife (still Mormon) highly recommend. The night of our wedding we were exhausted and didn't get to our hotel until late. We took turns in the bathroom changing into flannel pajamas we had acquired for the occasion, and then just cuddled until we fell asleep. No sex, and it was wonderful, since we had never slept in the same bed before!

In the morning, we woke up and made out like never before, and went all the way to second base. Super exciting! But then we packed up and drove to the lake house we had rented for the honeymoon proper.

Once we got there around 11 am, we unpacked and made lunch, and then had the rest of the day to fool around and get comfy with eachother. Lots of making out and slow revelations. I was fully prepared (and completely happy) to not go all the way for a day or two, but we ended up losing all our inhibitions by that evening and going for it.

Things go SO much better if you're not under pressure. And if you've waited this long, an extra day or two is not going to kill you!

The first step is practicing flexing your PC muscles, the ones that you would use to stop mid-pee. Once you have these strengthened with daily practice, you can use these muscles when you are at about 80% of the way to ejaculation. You want to stop whatever you are doing at that point, flex those muscles, and concentrate on the lower energy centers, where your sexual energy has been built up. Now you can use intention to direct the energy up your spine to the top of your head. You should be able to feel the energy when you concentrate on it, and then you should be able to start to feel the energy move upwards as you intend it to do so. At the top of your head, you can hold it there, and it should dissipate at that point.

​

That's the basics of it in my understanding! I gathered that from videos and some reading so far and my personal practice. I'm reading Mantak Chia's book at the moment, "Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy - Amazon.com".

Have you used your own fingers or a toy to explore pleasing penetration by yourself? I didn’t really get it either, until I found the angles, depths, pace that I liked. That being said, I definitely prefer to orgasm from both penetration and clitoral stimulation. I just cum harder and it feels better.

If you are enthusiastic about female orgasms check out this book:

I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide https://www.amazon.com/dp/1569242763/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_u47oDbJ79GFMV

I love love love this wearable board game concept my Sir created for me. Here is my post I made explaining it.

Also, I totally get what you are trying to articulate. I found this book very useful when trying to explain those feelings to my SO: Conquer Me

good point, but the main thing isn't pheromones. it's whatever conveys high social status, which you can convey with a strong mix of confidence and humor.

read Sperm Wars for more

Hmmm...

I'd say that in part your conflicts arise from your varying personalities and a misunderstanding of the opposite gender. Have you two ever done a personality test? I am not sure about him but you sound like someone who would benefit from understanding that concept. I recommend this particular test. If you do it, let me know your results (I suspect you might be an ENFJ or ESFJ). I can help you out better then.

My wife and I also read a book together that helped us with those kinds of communication issues. They are really just the result of our differences as a man and a woman. This is the book.

There's a difference though. A man can theoretically always improve himself to the point of getting 9's and 10's. It involves improvement to the point where you're rich, famous, high status, etc. Theoretically, there is no limit to how far a man can improve himself short of his own limitations when it comes to attracting women. Yes, we're entering golddigger territory, but that still counts for the sake of this argument.

Women can't theoretically improve themselves without limit. There is a limit to how far they can improve their looks.

One of the things here is that men really don't have as many "dealbreakers" and "must-haves" as women when it comes to picking a long term partner. When we tell women that they have high standards, part of it is that they have too many standards (each one obviously restricts their dating pool), but they also usually have mutually exclusive or incongruent standards that can actually not be attained.

There is an entire book written on this subject called "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough".

Glad I could help! You should buy the book. It has wonderful, adorable illustrations.

>Her last LTR was very controlling, so she always tries to gauge whether I'll try to control her

That is a lie told to men who see disrespectful behavior and instead of bailing, they try to make her stop. You can't control her, you can only control yourself. This was not a shit test. Shit test is also known as compliance/fitness test from book Married Man Sex Life Primer. This was blatant disrespect and if you're not married you should demote her to a plate, ie start dating other women. If you live together, start looking for a place.

You think this is overreaction on my part? You need to look at what she does, NOT what she says.

1. She prefers to read romance books than to have sex with you. They usually have an asshole that the protagonist falls for.
   
   
2. She has for a while not fucked you so that you spend time online trying to find a way to fix it.
   
   
3. She is openly flirting/texting with other man while spending time with you...and blatantly tells you that she is planning on spending time with that man on a work trip that they will be taking next week. That by the way is called Please Break Up with Me!
   
   You are obviously new and did not read the books listed in Married Red Pill sidebar. I know you hate reading books, you were whining about it in your post history. At least read The Best of Rational Male - Year One. No more mr nice guy is also very short. You could read that in less than a day and that's a real eye opener.
   
   I agree with some newbies who are whining here about others calling them faggots, etc. It wasn't like that back in the day and it makes it harder for men to actually get the message but mods condone it so it goes. The sidebar though is not calling you a fag and it was created with the idea of helping men. It certainly has helped me in my marriage as it has helped many others. If you're going to ignore the many useful replies, at least do not ignore the sidebar.

Sounds like your issue is an over-excited mind, anxious, fearful and obsessing with sex at the moment. To learn how to control that, try exteriorizing the problem, that is, look at it as if it's not your problem but you're observing someone else. Do you know Cesar Millan's dog show? If not, see how he's making dogs listen to him on NatGeo TV: http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/wild/dog-whisperer/ . He's always saying that he is curing the owners, not the dogs.

To find out what you want from a woman / relationship, make a list of what is important to you; write that in a file. Check the questions on OKC and see which of them make you say "hey, this matter to me". If you think there are too many or disorganized, check the ones from lovzen.com (the profiles are not linked to a service).

If you have the interest and are willing to spend the money, see:

• http://www.amazon.com/365-Questions-Couples-Michael-Beck/dp/158062068X = 365 Questions For Couples
  
• http://www.amazon.com/1001-Questions-Ask-Before-Married/dp/0071438033/ref=pd_sim_b_3 = 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married
  
• http://www.amazon.com/How-Far-Will-You-Questions/dp/0375502424/ref=pd_sim_b_6 = How Far Will You Go?: Questions to Test Your Limits
  
• http://www.amazon.com/Book-Questions-Love-Sex/dp/089480619X/ref=cm_cr_pr_sims_t = The Book of Questions: Love & Sex
  
  If you want sexual education, see http://www.gardenerofthoughts.org/ideas/sexualeducation/sexualeducation/index.htm . You'll see that it deals with sexuality as a mental trait, not a physical one; if you like the introduction, read the virginity section.
  

Why We Love the Church and How Then Shall We Worship have made me a better congregant and helped me better explain the benefits and necessity of the church to others.

Get Real has really helped me be a better evangelist (something i struggle with mightily).

My wife and my marriage have greatly benefited by my reading For Men Only

And there's this book on memory that I've given to a bunch of college students. Most of them use it to get better grades, but my brother is using it to memorize Matthew 5-7. It works quite well.

Sometimes making masturbation goal oriented can make things more difficult. Experiment with different tools and techniques and try not to put too much pressure on yourself to orgasm. The magic wand can offer very intense stimulation and focuses on the clit. You may want a to try a variety of sex toys to see what you like.

Check out this guide which should help in selecting the sex toy right for you, or for more in depth information on sex toys you can also check out Good Vibrations. Hope this helps!

If you really want to study, you might also enjoy reading Betty Dodson's book, Sex for One.


San Francisco Sex Information (SFSI) provides free, confidential, accurate, non-judgmental information about sex and reproductive health. You can reach us by e-mail (ask-us@sfsi.org) or by phone (415-989-SFSI).

We worked through 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married. We found the material to be inclusive of different faiths, politics, and sexual orientation. Any questions involving faith are from the perspective of "Is this a potential cause for friction in our relationship?" Several formats are used between chapters - discussion questions, quizzes you take separately and then compare answers, situations with hypothetical people you "advise" on what to do, etc.


Some chapters in the book don't apply to everyone (military spouses, marrying a celebrity or felon). Others may contain redundant questions you and your partner may have already discussed ad nauseam. But if you make it through the entire book without learning a single thing? Congratulations - you're out like $10 and are a boss at marriage prep.

https://www.amazon.ca/When-Say-Feel-Guilty-Systematic-ebook/dp/B004IK8Q22

And

https://www.amazon.ca/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

Definitely this one:

https://www.amazon.ca/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011-ebook/dp/B004W0IRQ8

And required reading for all men

https://www.amazon.ca/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862

And

https://www.amazon.ca/Rational-Male-Preventive-Medicine/dp/1508596557

The 5 love languages is a great read if you want to masterbate in the shower.
I'm coming at this from a male perspective.

So I sympathize with your situation, but I worry you might be looking for comfort from men who aren't your husband because you crave the intimacy you're not getting at home. Take a step back and check yourself.

Yeah, he sounds like a lazy bum, but he's the man you're married to, for better or for worse. It's possible he's not showing love because he doesn't feel like you respect him which might be the case since you're on the internet complaining about him. Work on all aspects of your relationship and see if it doesn't spill over into "touch".

Check out Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876

And a tool for actually having the hard conversations and moving toward results. Round the Bases by Matt and Pam Loehr
http://www.daretobedifferent.com/pages.asp?pageid=Round-the-Bases

You have a choice. You can go the route I did (extremely well documented in my post history) and start implementing things like https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876 - which worked wonders and eventually killed my husband's extra marital relationship - but not easily or pleasantly. Or you can look at my post history and see that even 2 1/2 years after the end of the relationship (because he won't do counseling?) we are still struggling - even though we enjoy being together, there are still a lot of unresolved issues (including my discovery about 6 months ago that it was a physical affair). And you may conclude that between the time you have been dealing with this and the 2-5 years it will take of you being incredibly patient while in pain, and the potential secrets that might be revealed, that it is simply not worth your time and pain to keep this up... especially if you don't have kids

It was apparently worth mine, but we do have kids.

But you cannot force her to change. You can monitor everything and have big blow ups over and over again, but you can't change her head or heart or hormones that way (hence the book recommendation). You can't change her... you can only change you. Which sucks, because you probably aren't the problem... but we all have room for improvement, so changing yourself isn't such a bad thing. I would HIGHLY recommend protecting your assets, even if you choose to work on things. I did. I built a get away account, which I can use to build our retirement if I don't need it. But I will never again be in a position where I can't walk away.

Nor is reading the signs and walking away. That's what I'm voting for.

And for your reading pleasure: https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

Books I personally recommend:

Sexual Secrets: The Alchemy of Ecstasy

Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy
Healing Love through the Tao: Cultivating Female Sexual Energy

I think especially where you're long distance, it's easier for you to see the relationship in the exact light you want to see it. You're not reading into body language or mannerisms in the same way you would in a 1:1 setting. You've been given no visible reason not to trust him. I'm pointing this out specifically only because it hasn't been addressed in the other comments, not because I think it's good or bad, just trying to be objective.

I'll recommend a great read I found years ago, Different Loving (brame/brame/jacobs). the amazon link is eloquenter than me

I once got a bunch of those paint sample things from Home depot, used a shape punch to cut them into hearts, and then wrote something I loved about my then SO on each one.

You could do that and spread them all over the bed so she wakes up surrounded by them, or you could give them to her in a box.

The local zoo here offers paid experiences to feed some of the animals like the penguins. You likely can't be in a wheelchair back in the exhibits at your local zoo, but it would be minimal walking.

You could also consider getting a video game you both can play together.

A relationship Q&A book that you can fill out daily together is both thoughtful and shows that you are thinking about the future. See here for an example of the one I used to do: Our Q&A a Day: 3-Year Journal for 2 People https://www.amazon.com/dp/0770436684/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_CyLuDb4FH1D0E

There are some books. "Questions you should ask yourself and each other before getting married". My boyfriend and I went through one, which prompted some very interesting debates and minor revelations (even though we had been together five years at that point). We did a few questions each night in bed and took turns answering first. I would recommend investing in a book like that if you want to make sure you thought of everything. We went through "1001 Questions to ask before you get married" by Monica Leahy (http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0071438033/ref=mp_s_a_1_13?qid=1413190698&sr=8-13&pi=AC_SX110_SY165), but it is worth looking around a bit. We are both atheists, so we purposefully went with something fairly non religious. Depending on your beliefs and lifestyle a book with a different slant my suit you better.

She exposed herself to you, she opened up and told you a huge personal secret, and you judged her for it. Just because she didn't seem too upset at the time doesn't mean she wasn't. You rejected a core, deep part of her. Of course she isn't wanting to have sex and be vulnerable and intimate with you right now.

You can either unfuck this by apologizing for judging her and trying to at least intellectually understand where she's coming from, or you can continue to reject her sexuality as unhealthy. Do the first, and you'll make some progress. If you're going to do the second, just break it off with her now.

If you want to work on understanding D/s I recommend reading "Different Loving."

http://www.amazon.com/Different-Loving-Sexual-Dominance-Submission/dp/0679769560/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1414858741&sr=8-1&keywords=different+loving

Best of luck.

>Throwaway obviously. FML.

Fuck your life? You're 23.

Here's some advice from the future. Get to it. Do not wait another three years. Do you want to be 24, 25, 26, 27, 28... and still a virgin?

>What do you think of a guy who loses his virginity to an escort?

If you do this, it never happened. Don't tell anyone. Ever. At all. Even when the love of your life says something like 'we're honest with each other, right? Have you ever...ominous question...'. No. Don't. Nod and say 'of course not, where'd you get that idea!?'

Why would it bother you to pay for it? It's sex. Losing it will most likely not be special, it'll be sex. Embarrassing sex. Sweat is involved. Awkward is involved. Do you really believe the image of sex you have in your head is what the real deal is like?

>I hardly have any close friends anymore like I had in school.

Why not start there? Best advice I ever got on this issue was 'girlfriends grow in crowds, find a crowd and you'll find a girlfriend'. Go do stuff, meet people. Amongst the people will be a friend who is a girl. Ask her out.

Here, read some books. No real reason, really, but I toss the link around like candy :)

>Dates, massages, little cards out of the blue, a glass of wine when the kids are at my parents’, overtly asking ... I have talked with friends, coworkers, a therapist, her friends, anything to try and spice it up a bit. We have a healthy marriage, communicate well

None of that generates any sexual desire. Zero! It's all comfort. This is your problem. You are doing what everyone does and your getting the same result. Your doing it to yourself.

Try this:

https://www.amazon.ca/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011-ebook/dp/B004W0IRQ8

What do you have to lose?

I think I have you covered here. I came from a strongly religious background of my own choosing (I rebelled TO Christianity) so I was pretty inexperienced at 27 when I met my now husband. Here's what we did:

I got SUPER vulnerable with him and asked him to actually tell me how to give a hand job. We took maybe a half hour where he showed me how to hold it, how to move, how much pressure, what kind of lube, literally all the details about how he liked it.

Then we did the same for how to give a blow job.

He absolutely loved it. He had about 4 partners before me and they just kind of mutually fumbled around and tried to rely on "oohs" and "aahs" to show that they liked something. He was SO turned on by my vulnerability, frankness, and willingness to learn.

Also - purchase and read The Guide To Getting It On. It covers everything you need to know in a very entertaining but matter of fact way. It's a quality enough book that college courses sometimes use it as a textbook.

blinks. He's a tenured behavioural psychologist citing well known research. When you read peer reviewed papers they're often hyper focused on a particular facet of human attraction and so you're better off reading a book or listening to an expert distil it down.

Also, in particular, which arguments do you want sources for? I've made many.

A most fascinating book that comes to mind is called "Why women have sex" and based on interviews with 1400 women.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Women-Have-Sex-Everything/dp/0312662653/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1495828392&sr=8-1&keywords=why+women+have

Here are some other links.

https://www.amazon.com/Evolution-Desire-Strategies-Human-Mating/dp/0465097766/ref=pd_sim_14_1?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0465097766&pd_rd_r=VYY1T032QJ8Z4939ECE5&pd_rd_w=rTQyP&pd_rd_wg=6yFrD&psc=1&refRID=VYY1T032QJ8Z4939ECE5



https://www.amazon.com/Sperm-Wars-Infidelity-Conflict-Bedroom/dp/1560258489/ref=pd_sim_14_6?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1560258489&pd_rd_r=VYY1T032QJ8Z4939ECE5&pd_rd_w=rTQyP&pd_rd_wg=6yFrD&psc=1&refRID=VYY1T032QJ8Z4939ECE5

We make fun of this book a lot, but if her primary hangup is church (and not, as some have mentioned, being asexual or something similar), it might help, as it's pretty tame. http://www.amazon.com/And-They-Were-Ashamed-Strengthening/dp/1587830345

Ok I am not about to suggest what I am about to suggest, because I feel that ultimatums are harmful to relationships: You need to make it clear that the relationship is not working for you. You need to tell her that you are thinking about moving on to a relationship that is healthier because you cannot stand to see her harming herself by turning away from something good in life that is right and wholesome and is even approved by the church. Tell her that, and then tell her that you just want her to read a book, and then if she still feels the same way, then you and her will have to make adult decisions because the current situation is harming your relationship and your self image. Then give her this book:

And they were not ashamed

And then be prepared for her to be unwilling to change, and put on your big boy pants and do what you need to do to be happy and healthy.

I agree with marriage counselling. I'd suggest an approach that lines up with John Gottman's work - read 7 Principles. For yourself I'd also recommend MMSL or the website, http://marriedmansexlife.com/ .

I've had my share of issues as well so I hope this stuff that I've found on my journey helps.

Oh man, that must've been such a let down with the dick pics. Nowadays, I love stuff like that and wouldn't be able to stop thinking about him all day at work waiting for 9pm when the kids are in bed! A few years ago I would not have reacted that way.

It sounds like a lot of emotional connection outside of the bedroom. She could simply not value sex the way you do. A lot of people don't prioritize it.

Have you talked to her about your need to feel wanted? This is a great book I read about 9 months ago that really opened my eyes - For Women Only.

So, there is a book that I highly recommend the two of you go through together. Its literally a list of questions. Most of them are essay or conversation starters a few at the end of each section are multiple choice.

My now husband and I went through the book prior to getting engaged and it was extremely helpful. Parts of it are funny and other parts are very serious. Its gonna cover family and how you want to interact with each family... and its gonna have some really hokey examples to break up the more serious parts.

>My Dom and I have fallen off the bdsm bandwagon.

Are you asking because you think that behaving in a more submissive way will help in jumping on the bdsm bandwagon again? Because I think that those two things are two separate issues. Have you discussed this with him? He needs to know. A change in behavior on your part will not suddenly revive the whole dynamic. It's teamwork. Its something you work on together.

>However, sometimes control triggers me. I don't want it to. But sometimes my mind shifts and switches and I see Daddy as the enemy.

Personally, I think this is less about training and more about internal struggle. It's normal to want to resist someone controlling you, I think it's almost instinctive. But it's something you have to work on on your own. Be aware of what makes you react, watch yourself go, reflect on what you could have done differently, what a better response would have been, journal on your submission, about your behavior or chosen topics, when you know something will make you want to resist ask for time to think about it and come back to him so you can reflect on how you want to respond, be mindful of your interactions, read books on submission. There's a lot that you can do on your own.

On your own doesn't mean alone though so you can share your process with him, tell him of your efforts, you guys could have weekly recaps to discuss how it went.

For writings and journaling, I like the writing prompts of sccwriting on tumblr. I also like the submissive journal prompts. You can also take the time to read the answers from other submissives, you might find some useful tips or ideas.

I also suggest reading Conquer me: girl to girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires by Kacie Cunningham. There's a chapter about embracing his dominance that was very useful to me. Basically, it says that when your dominant says no, yes you don't get what you want but at the same time you are because you asked for his dominance.

My required reading list:

Ties that Bind by Guy Baldwin

SlaveCraft by Guy Baldwin

Urban Aboriginals by Geoff Mains

Two Knotty Boys Back on the Ropes

The SMTech educational series are pretty good, Lolita Wolf's are some of my favorites.

This is the one I read last year... it was pretty authoritative on the subject. Good luck!

https://www.amazon.com/Taoist-Secrets-Love-Cultivating-Sexual/dp/0943358191

It's been a few months since your original post. How's it going? Any improvements? If you haven't read, "And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment." This is a great read for everyone!
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1587830345/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_c14TDbW608SPE

I’d suggest Christopher West for a beginners study

Then, if that’s “easy” you might go ahead and read the original text by JPII

If you are interested in more you can read JPII’s Love and Responsibly. That the philosophical foundation of his later work.

love and responsibility

>Sometimes what you want is not what you need. Try reading Conquer Me by Kacie Cunningham, if you haven't already. She describes "conquer me feelings" as "the submissive's internal demand for a show of strength." I felt validated by this book, as I like him to be nice to me, yet really need to see those moments of strength/domination come from him.

Thanks, I'll check it out!

"A Lovely Love Story" is so cute for a light-hearted reading. One of my favourite little books.

"The Guide to Getting It On" ($25 on Amazon normally) on the other hand is an absolutely fantastic resource.

I've heard and read similar stats before. In trying retrace my web search, I came across this:

RE: 20 to 25% Percent of Children in a Marriage - Not Husband's

"I'm not surprised. Read the book "Sperm Wars" and you'll learn that only about 40% of Men across human history have been successful at continuing their lineage with offspring. Women are much higher at about 80-85% success rate."

http://amzn.com/1560258489

Do a little web search and I'm sure you can find some interesting numbers and reported facts that will make the hair on the back of hour neck stand up.

Love and Responsibility by Karol Wojtła

This book is based on Bl. Pope John Paul II's pastoral work as a priest and bishop in Poland before becoming pope. It is a philosophical treatment of love and family and is very dense but very good in my opinion. I first came across this book in a philosophy course. The other main texts utilized in this course were Plato's Phaedo and portions of St. Thomas Aquinas's Summa Theologica. I've been meaning to go back and reread this book for years.

Although no longer a Christian, two books that my gf (now my wife) and I read together that were incredibly helpful were For Men Only and For Women Only. The authors are Christians and were incredibly helpful for helping my wife and I learn to communicate well together.

Hey, I am a female[24] who has had the same problem recently. My BF initiated sex all through our relationship and I loved it and suddenly he told me this too. I have also been abused. I have two recommendations for you that might help you with the root of your problem (confidence issues and anxiety involving sex). I read two books to help with my healing process:

Come As You Are (Emily Nagoski)
I <3 Female Orgasm

Both have tips about sex, healing sexuality, and learning about yourself. I HIGHLY recommend them. They changed my world. You will get something out of both of them. The first is a scientific look at what you're dealing with, and the second is more emotional/holistic. I recommend that one first (I<3 Female Orgasm), and then if you are still curious or are seeking more read Come as You Are

Edit: Links Below

https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Female-Orgasm-Extraordinary-Guide/dp/1569242763/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1520902384&sr=1-1&keywords=i+heart+female+orgasm&dpID=41GlJo%252BSvSL&preST=_SX218_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=srch

I have a friend who has this book and she and her husband seem to love it: http://www.amazon.com/Our-Day-3-Year-Journal-People/dp/0770436684

Hmm.

Just ask her. "Hey babe. I want you, and I'm tired of not being able to please you, so in my hand is a copy of The Guide To Getting It On. Let's flip through it and see how much better we get at sex."

If she says no, then tell her what I think you're really thinking. Tell her you want a divorce, and it's better for both of you not to be stuck in a loveless marriage.

There is a book called "I love female orgasm" which has helped me greatly regarding my sexuality. It's comprehensive and includes a lot of information that I found incredibly helpful. You can find it on amazon here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1569242763?pc_redir=1411841549&robot_redir=1

Also most cities have sexual health centres. I'm not sure about the situation where you live, but the centre in my town sells toys etc at no mark up. So if you're looking to invest and don't want to spend a lot, or if you don't like going into adult shops this can be a great option.

I know people who got pregnant while using birth control.

If you confess fornication and struggle with accepting the Church's teaching on sex, may I suggest digging deeper? I've had to do that to understand more than one topic. Theology of the Body, Love and Responsibility, and Humanae Vitae are great places to start. If you're anything like me and you suck at theology, Christopher West and Edward Sri might be helpful.

I think I've heard of this one being Mormon friendly but still useful. I've never read it myself, but it might be worth looking into.

Sure. My top three would be these:

Sexual Wholeness in Marriage https://www.amazon.com/dp/0981957641/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_B8SDCbSKZGE3Z

What Your Parents Didn't Tell You about Sex: An LDS Guide to Sexual Intimacy https://www.amazon.com/dp/1508608873/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_RZSDCbSS6V2V4

And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment https://www.amazon.com/dp/1587830345/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_R1SDCbHVJAKXZ

But the best known book on the subject is this:
Between Husband and Wife: Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy https://www.amazon.com/dp/1680476548/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_h7SDCbRA5JWKB

We have a three year couple's journal and I love reading his sweet answers to questions about our relationship.

Not 100% on point, but Different Loving is a very good treatment of BDSM generally. Section Three has chapters devoted to pain and sensation and such. Might be a good read for you.

https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/asin/1885535457

"Guide To Getting It On"

Actually a great book overall, glad I bought it. Discusses almost every aspect of sex

I have it on good authority that Sex For One by Betty Dodson is an excellent source: http://www.amazon.com/Sex-One-The-Joy-Selfloving/dp/0517886073/ref=pd_sim_b_1

Then you my friend should read the wonderful book, Sperm wars.