(Part 3) Reddit mentions: The best books about happiness

First and foremost, if you are ever, EVER feeling suicidal, please reach out to somebody:

• Call +45 70 201 201
  
• Visit http://www.livslinien.dk/
  
• Speak with your parents (trust them, tell them how you feel)
  
• Speak with literally anybody. A friend, the police, anyone
  
  Sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I've been there. I'm there frequently. A lot of us are. A lot of people who seem to have amazing lives and tons of friends are feeling just as much pain and loneliness as you. You are not alone. Sometimes it can feel like no one cares. Yes, lots of people are selfish and/or busy with their own stuff, but people do care.
  
  Know that your situation will change. Everything changes. Everything passes. You're feeling crappy right now, but hold on. Be strong. Be brave. Make some changes. If you do, you might blink and it be six months from now and you're having an amazing time in your acting classes, hanging out with a few people you really love spending time with, have forgotten all about your ex, etc. Everything passes. Bad times pass, so try to just ride the wave, roll with the punches, and know things will get better. But also good times pass. So when you're doing something you enjoy, or spending time with someone you care about, try really hard to be present and appreciate every moment, every detail. That's the beauty of life. It's transient. Nothing is permanent. Our species is not permanent. Our world is not permanent. It's a ride. It's a game. It's whatever metaphor you choose, but the point is things go up and down and round and round and in the end nothing really matters other than the fact that we have the gift of the present moment and the ability to try and enjoy little things here and there.
  
  I know you mentioned having seen a therapist and it did nothing. Hopefully that was just that one therapist. Sometimes it takes trying a couple months with a couple different therapists before you find someone who you really like. You just have to be open, honest, and trust that they are there to listen to you and there to help you. And give them time. There are very few quick fixes in life.
  
  There are things you can do for yourself, too. Things that will have a huge impact on your happiness, contentment, confidence, loneliness, motivation, etc. Most of the below is scientifically proven to help a lot. You don't have to do all of this at once, and you don't have to be an expert at all of this all at once. The important thing is to try. Bit by bit. Each day try one new thing on this list, and try to make a habit of it. Do it at that time, every day. Start small, with easier things, like doing stuff for 5 minutes, then next week up it to 10 minutes, and so on:
  
  
• Exercise: force yourself to go for a 20-30 minute walk every morning, as soon as you get up. It will be hard at first, but you'll start feeling a bit better every single time. Start mixing things up, depending on where you live and what you have accessible to you, try one day doing your walk, one day going for a cycle, one day a swim, one day run instead of walk, etc.
  
• Eat right: Self explanatory. Minimize alcohol. Minimize caffeine. Minimize sugar. Minimize pre-packaged/processed foods. Minimize/skip recreational drugs. Increase the amount of healthy stuff you eat. More veggies (fresh/frozen, cooked/raw, mix it up!), things like eggs or oatmeal for breakfast, etc. You'll find that the more you start changing this stuff, bit by bit each day, the more your body will crave it. When added to the exercise, you'll start massively craving good foods You'll finish a run and want nothing more than to chug a glass of water and eat a banana.
  
• Meditation: Meditation is amazingly powerful, just like exercise. The gist is that it teaches you to be very present. When we're going over stuff that's in the past (an ex girlfriend, or what someone said to you, or whatever), we're wasting energy on things we can't do anything about, because they already happened. Same goes for worrying about or thinking about stuff in future. We can only ever play the hand we're dealt. And that involves only being able to do stuff RIGHT NOW. In this moment. Being present will massively help you keep relaxed, de-stressed, less anxious, and it will also help you enjoy things. Like when you're having breakfast or eating a snack you like, you won't blink and realize it's gone and you spent the whole time eating it but thinking about other stuff. Instead, you'll be present, in that moment, enjoying that food or drink 100%. You'll savor every bit. I hugely recommend getting an app like Calm or Headspace. Both have free trials for anywhere from a week to a few weeks. There's also a bunch of completely free meditation apps and youtube videos and things. These guided meditations help a lot because you don't have to look up "how to meditate" or whatever, you just sit comfortable somewhere quiet, put a pair of headphones on, and relax. If you practice this every day, first thing in the morning, and make a habit of it like brushing your teeth (or brushing your mind!), you'll notice a huge difference. It will help you calm any negative voices in your head and know that those thoughts will still pop into your mind now and then, and that's ok. You just let them drift past, instead of giving them any attention. Meditation is amazing. Try it for a couple of months!
  
• Socializing: Humans are social creatures. We need to chat with other people in order to feel good. You said you're starting some classes next week. GOOD. Be brave, and reach out to make friends with the people you're in class with. Try and arrange to meet up with people after class to talk about what happened in class, and get to know each other. Organize getting together to work on scenes or exercises together and watch movies, go to plays together, and go get a cup of tea after and talk about them together. Also, try chatting to strangers more. Be brave. Ask someone about the book they're reading, if they've read other stuff by that author, do they recommend it? Take an interest in people, if you introduce yourselves then remember their name (and use it!). Be attentive to what they say and ask them questions. If they talk about something, ask how long they've been doing it, what they like about it, etc. Ask about it as if you're an actor researching a role where you need to know about or do that thing. A lot of people aren't used to this kind of contact and will kind of close down a bit. But try! But you'll be surprised, sometimes you'll have lovely 2 minute chats with people, and you might learn something. And for anyone who you're friends with who doesn't live in Copenhagen, reach out to them! Google Hangout is free and a great way to keep in touch with people. Use that or Skype or Facetime or something, and have little 15 minute or hour-long catch-ups with people you care about. All of this stuff will make a world of difference in terms of how connected you feel to people and how lonely you feel.
  
• Reading: Minimizing your electronic device usage in bed will help you sleep better. Reading is a wonderful way to relax you in the evening. Take 30-60 minutes every night as the last thing you do before drifting off, to jump into a book. Try some novels that are in genres you like, try some novels that are in genres you don't like but that people rave about. Classics. Modern award winners. Novels engage your brain in a different way to other types of stimulation. They also make you more empathetic and emotionally connected. You can also switch off between a novel and something like this or [this] (https://www.amazon.com/Power-Habit-What-Life-Business-ebook/dp/B0055PGUYU#nav-subnav), which are amazing books that will help you a lot on your journey to getting more out of your life and feeling better about things.
  
  All of the above should be the priority here. Your health is #1. If you look after yourself emotionally and physically, you'll be way better set up to deal with all the BS in life and enjoy yourself and form and maintain good relationships with people, and to be motivated and energized about working on acting (or anything else).
  
  Acting is amazing. But it's very fucking hard. For most actors, it's a tough lifestyle. To pursue it, you have to be cool to roll with the fact that most of the time it's hard work. It is a job. You have to work at it. Actors get rejected all the time. It's part of the job. You have to work hard to be in a good spot emotionally and physically in order to help deal with that. So, like I said, for now, it may be worth putting a lot of energy into that stuff.
  
  I hope some of this is helpful. Sending you love and good vibes from the other side of the world. xxxx

> I want to have someone and just KNOW that they will always be there for me.

I found some clarity for this desire in examining my relationships with my few best friends. I found that they're the ones that will come at 3 A.M. if I need them to, and ask the right questions, and I know they're my best friends for this reason and because of our overall relationship dynamics. The thing I noticed that differentiated my relationship with these people and that with my best friend SO was that of expectation. I had an expectation that my SO would fulfill these needs (even though I knew that she probably wouldn't always be able to, because of her own issues), while I didn't have an expectation of my best friends. I knew they would support me, I didn't have to hope or expect they would. That expectation tends to lead to disappointment in a lot of types of relationships. People expect a person to behave in a way consistent with what they knew about a person, in the past, but forget that people are always changing, and that they need to be vigilantly observing the present, not expecting the past and future to be the same.

> I know that person is.. me. I'll always be there for myself. But somehow I can't give myself enough love and validation and I need to seek it from someone else.

So the question you should be pondering here is why? How's your relationship with your dad? (Family Guy reference, but it's actually completely valid) And your mom? There could be a lot of reasons that you're feeling inadequate and look elsewhere for fulfillment. That's the sort of understanding a counselor is perfect for guiding you through.

> I want to feel passionately about something that's not someone. I like sports. I like science. I like helping people. I love helping people. I like beautiful things. I like romance. All these things I like and do are so general, though.

What are your hobbies? Maybe you can find a new one that fits in your present schedule. It could be as simple as walking to the park a few times a week and sitting and meditating in the flowers. And I don't mean zen buddhist meditating, I mean whatever you need to do in your head at the time. Or quiet sitting. Maybe you can volunteer at a local shelter (pet shelter, human shelter?) and get some dog time and some helping others time. I don't know if your area has a botanical garden or good art museum, but those are the sorts of places I like to find beauty. I'm travelling now, and a surprising number of places have really gorgeous botanical gardens. And I just love seeing what other people think and create through art. General isn't bad. I can say I like programming, or I can say I like impeccably designed and thought out back ends that show useful content on a simple and pleasing front end (that I designed), because I like the nuance of doing things properly, the challenge, and the visual result that a good GUI (web page, program) presents. You like science. Maybe there's a local hackerspace you can go to to play around with things, make stuff, and do science with people.

> I can't have one because I'm a student living in an apartment with a no pet policy.

Most of the places I lived had a no pet policy as well, but I kept a cat for four years, including in the dorm at college. Small dogs and cats are easy to hide, as long as you're good about discipline and don't let them tear things up, or are able to fix/replace them when they do. But the volunteering at a shelter thing is probably better.

>Please make the days go by faster.

Finding that hobby or just exploring new things can help a lot with that.

I mentioned books above. Let's see if the internet works so I can find links to the couple I found a lot of help in. Awareness by Anthony DeMello is one that I recommend to people over and over. My best friend gave it to me during my hard times, and it totally changed how I was looking at .. not everything, but a whole lot of things. I gave it back and bought 2 copies so I'd always have one to give away and not expect back. He speaks a lot on self awareness, expectation, and what makes life work well, and harder. It's been a while since I read it or I'd give a better application idea.

The other I picked up as part of a set on recommendation of someone on reddit: If the Buddha Dated. The title's a bit.. odd, which I think is part of why it seemed interesting. I like a lot of Buddhist philosophy (and others.. eastern and western). The author is a quaker.. buddhist.. something. She explains well some of the self views and other views that lead to good relationships, getting relationships, etc. It's another one to change how you're looking at things and in that new viewpoint, look at where you've been going wrong, and hopefully fix things up. It's all about self awareness, and once you have that, you can do things that involve other-awareness even better.

> >I wrote a long thing here that I don't think would have helped.

> I wish you kept it here.

Let's see if I can remember it.

>my lengthy relationship ended.. Fuck I don't even know.. cat's 4.. or is she 5? add a year or so.. subtract 2 and a half.. Let's say the relationship ended about 3 years ago. I was in the middle of graduate school work, had no time, and still saw her almost daily for another year.

During that time, I reestablished relationships with my friends (I really only have a few close friends at a time). As part of dealing with things and figuring them out, I went out with my best friend to our favorite bar to talk and have a beer, almost every night (5+ nights a week). Ordinarily, it's bad to mix alcohol and depression. I think it was okay in this circumstance, because it was just a beer or two, time with my friend, socializing (which I didn't really do much of otherwise), figuring stuff out. Moderation. Also, the bar has 200-250 beers on tap, so it was a new beer every time. He went on internship, so I didn't see him for a while, and I ended up making good friends with my new upstairs neighbors (I lived alone with a cat in an apartment at this point--I moved in with another friend later). The contact with friends helped alleviate things a great deal, and gave me something to do out of the house (graduate work involved a little school and a lot of time alone).

The girl stopped talking to me (I'm not sure exactly why still, since she won't tell me), and then flipped the fuck out every time she saw me in a public place from then on. So eventually, the pain and anger changed to a bit of pity and amusement. It's just a little funny seeing someone have a serious hissy fit just from seeing you in the back corner of the bar you go to all the time, or at chipotle. Though she did vandalize my car, twice. That was a little annoying. One time was just water/ice down the windshield (below freezing, it froze on, obnoxious, but not harmful). The other I went to school to hang out with the (not a fraternity, but similar social group, few girls, computer people frat sorta) group I was a part of, and where I knew some friends. Also to meet the freshmen, I think. Her group (similar thing, photo people) was up the stairs one floor from mine. And who should I see but her, in one of the longer-staying members' rooms. I was helping someone move things up from the parking lot, so I passed them off, and stood outside the room to the side and looked the other way for a couple minutes. She was gone when I looked back, as I expected. But, I could hear her through the vents in the elevator lobby freaking out to the people upstairs "Why was he here? blah blah blah." Uh.. you're on my floor. Oh well. When I went outside, there was citronella oil poured down the back rear side panel of my car. Not damaging in particular on its own, but it doesn't really wash off easily (and I didn't really wash it), and the dirt + oil get down in the paint and don't come off.

Anyway, still funny. Annoying, etc. That's more than I wrote the first time, and it's a little different. I thought it was too depressive the first time. Dunno. Stuff changes, it gets funny. Just be glad if you don't have to see him every day. That makes things a whole lot more complicated.

> I really appreciate how lengthy this response was.

I wish the comment box was a little bigger so I could see more of what I'd written at a time. Works okay with RES though. Also welcome.

edit Oh hey, the edit box is way big--comment sized! Had to add in the beer justification bit about so many flavors. Forgot the first time, remembered in the shower, forgot once out of the shower, just remembered again.

>“the scientific study of what goes right in life [and] those things that make life most worth living,”

That is an odd way to define Positive Psychology but I guess it's a fairly accurate summation. Positive Psychology was a reaction to the large amount of attention that has been paid on abnormal psychology- essentially what is "wrong" with people and how to fix it. This leads an absence in what people can do to better themselves beyond the realm of mental illness. How can we improve and enrich our lives, starting from a neutral baseline.

I actually find it very funny that I'm reading an article on religion and positive psychology as I took issue with Martin Seligman's position on religion in his book Authentic Happiness which is the primer for studying this branch of psychology. I don't have anything against having religion in your life (obviously) but I also don't feel like it's necessary. I align more with Daniel Gilbert's approach that you can get the same results when you fill your life with the same things that religion provides you regardless of whether or not you ascribe to any religious practice. A strong passion in something shared by others, closeness with a community, etc are components of religious practice that can enrich your life with or without religion.

All that being said, I do agree that Positive Psychology and Judaism go hand in hand very well together. I would say that as of the last time I really studied positive psych, the research was largely done on Buddhists. I'm very excited to hear about the merger of positive psych and Judaism which is another reason I'm excited to study Mussar.

If you would like to get acquainted with Positive Psychology, I will leave some recommendations below:

As I stated earlier, Authentic Happiness is the primer for learning about this branch. I do take issues with certain elements of the book but I still think it's an incredibly worthwhile read.

I would also recommend to you Stumbling On Happiness as it explores the more scientific approach to the study.

*I would also recommend you start studying it by studying yourself. Martin Seligman is still conducting research to this day. I would recommend taking a look at the Questionnaires section of his website. There's a ton of tests and surveys you can take but I recommend you start off with the Signature Strengths VIA Survey. Note, you do have to make an account but it's worth it. Once you've determined your top 5 character strengths, you can start trying to strengthen those traits and make them more prominent in your life.

I am 100% with you on this. I am 30 and reading this has been a good kick in the butt for myself because objectively hearing your story makes me think to my own self "oh but you have so much time!" and you do!

I can only offer advice as to what makes me feel less like this... and that has been a combination of mindfulness and bullet journaling.

The mindfulness helps me to stay present in the moment and truly enjoy what I am experiencing, instead of worrying about the past or future. There is no trick that I do, it is simply stopping when I'm doing something/experiencing something nice and saying to myself "wow, this is nice." It sounds a little cheesy, but it really helps me recognize the little moments in life that are positive and that help balance out the "oh crap what am I doing with my life, time, etc" feelings.

The bullet journaling is new, but so far it is helpful to set goals and reflect back on accomplishments. Also, setting aside time to do the things I say I want to do. It's been a process getting into it, remembering to do it, but it is kind of like looking back on a full notebook of school notes and thinking - wow I did all of that, learned all of that, etc.

Also, know you aren't alone! I think the people who accomplish so much either just don't have the same anxieties that we do about starting (at least this is my issue)... they just "do". They don't worry about the end goal, they focus on the act of doing? Or they've worked hard to overcome all of that!

I read a great book on the "doing" of things if you are interested. It's the idea of "flow" and creativity, its like entering a meditative state.
Flow: The psychology of optimal experience https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000W94FE6/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Interesting stuff! I try to achieve that state of doing in my work.

I found the following book to be really useful on integration; almost the entirety of the last third of the book is dedicated to integration.

Another reddit user on this forum, 'liquidrome' has made some interesting points about integration; namely the idea that in his view one of the most potent methods of integration is to 'go for a long walk in a forest, around a lake, and to listen to the same music playlist I used for the session. This evokes the material from the session again, and integrates it into normal waking consciousness. Often this walk will also bring up more feelings and continue the healing process — sometimes more powerfully than the session itself.' Here's a [link] (https://www.reddit.com/r/mdmatherapy/comments/d1d861/getting_worse_after_taking_mdma/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) to one of his comments on a post where he explains this in a little more detail (it's his second comment on the post) . I've read a few of his posts and comments and whilst I may disagree with some of his views on maps, he has undergone 100s of psychedelic therapy sessions so I personally value his opinion highly in this area even though it doesn't come from a book. I personally haven't tried this method yet and as I haven't had a session since I came across it but I intend to try it following my next session.

Here are a couple of other books I've found super useful in general for psychedelic therapy.
 They also talk about integration, although integration isn't a main focus:

[Psychedelic psychotherapy] (https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0963009656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_1jUDDbX3B0XE3) - I made a post about it here. Honestly one of the most useful books I've read in my life. It's very much a practical guide to me on to how use psychedelics to heal from trauma, rather than many other books in the arena that appear to focus on why psydhclics can heal from trauma.

Internal family systems - I'm reading this book at the moment, and being someone who doesn't have a background in psychology its been super useful so far for understanding my mental landscapes, in a way that a layman like me can understand. This in turn I feel will help me to navigate my defences and other elements and psychological concepts that come up in my experience, and thus help me to heal efficiently and integrate effectively.

Hope something in this post is of help. Good luck on your healing journey :)

Hmm, let's see... I've been running for about 5 months now or so. Before that I had just been sticking to the elliptical for my cardio to keep my knees in decent shape.

I probably started noticing that 'shift' moment maybe 2 months in or so? I'd occasionally glimpse it on the elliptical but I think there's something very rhythmic about running that helps get you into that zone. I should mention that I also practice daily meditation outside of exercise, and they definitely help each other out but I do use some of the skills I've learned there to help with this.

Stick with it! It'll be a slog but soon you'll start to build a real feeling of accomplishment and pride each time you finish a run that will just keep building momentum like a big snowball effect. Any day that I get to the gym is a good day.

If you're interested in learning more about meditation, there's a really fantastic book that I just started reading one day that got me into it called 'The Joy of Living' by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche. It's a very easy read and it breaks things down into easy to understand concepts and practices. The key idea here is that you don't need to be in some sort of 'trance' or enlightened state to meditate at all, all you have to do is focus on being aware of your own thoughts as they occur and fade from your consciousness. He does a much better job than I can to express these ideas and it's just been immensely helpful to me.

Some advice here for anyone looking for psychedelic therapy.

Mushrooms are still not legal in Oakland, they've just instructed cops not to do anything about possession. So don't expect to see shops selling mushrooms, or therapists giving them to clients. Your best bet is to look for a "psychedelic integration therapist". They won't give you drugs or trip-sit for you, but they specialize in helping clients make sense of psychedelic experiences. Also check out meetups such as those run by the SF Psychedelic Society. Their Psychedelic Therapeutic Use Peer Support Group (there's one that meets in Oakland and one in Petaluma) is great.

There are therapists who practice psychedelic therapy underground. They don't advertise, obviously, so you'll need to make connections to find them. I can't help you there.

You don't need a professional guide to benefit from psychedelics. In fact few therapists have training or experience in this unique modality. More than formal training, it's important to have a trusted trip sitter (ideally someone who's taken psychedelics before), a safe and comfortable setting, and a positive mental state going in. If you want to read trip reports, there are thousands available on Erowid. I recommend the book Psychedelic Psychotherapy by R. Coleman (although I don't endorse everything in it). How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan is a popular book that covers a lot of topics related to the psychedelic renaissance. Also check out /r/PsychedelicTherapy.

Both psilocybin and MDMA are in the FDA approval pipeline and might be legally prescribed for therapy within the next 10 years. You could potentially do this now if you qualify for a clinical trial.

Hopefully we will soon see full legalization and a safe way for people to access these experiences that doesn't require them to label themselves as "sick". There is a ballot measure in Oregon next year which would be a big step in that direction.

One aspect of feeling down is that it appears that things will always be as they currently are. So I am not just dealing with the way I feel at the moment, but the fear that this is all there is to my life experience. This aspect, that of projecting the current circumstances forward indefinitely deserves to be called into question.

Firstly, unless I have some supernatural ability to see the future, I cannot know what the future will actually be like. But more importantly, this presumption-based fear is preventing me from actually experiencing exactly how good/bad this moment feels right now, based on it's own merit, free of the idea that things will always be just like this. I like to use a technique I call 'going down town' with it. For example, if I have a head ache, instead of taking an aspirin, I'll sit quietly and focus on the exact sensation of pain, going to the very center of it with my attention, and inviting the pain to increase as intensely as it intends. In many cases, I've witnessed full blown head aches disappear within minutes using this approach.

It wasn't the headache that was bothering me, it was not wanting a head ache that was the actual problem! And many times, so it is with my emotions. If I open myself up to the possibility that things could get better, I move away from that presumptuous fear and toward a more neutral mind set, at least. What I find then, is that as bad as things are right now, I'm still breathing! And at the very bottom, I will sometimes think of the expression, 'you can't get blood from a stone'. That numbness that I feel at the bottom is actually protecting me! Wow, as bad as things are I'm still here. At a certain point, I began to see that no matter how bad things get, I can be present in the moment and experience this moment fully.

I've been in a place where I couldn't even imagine things getting any better. The deepest, darkest of lows with inexplicable, poignant and piercing emotional pain. And in that moment, I vowed to myself that I would never die by my own hand. I could not imagine thriving, so I was left with the option of surviving, and that was all I could focus on.

I couldn't see it then, but that focus on survival saw me through until eventually I could imagine the possibility of my life improving. And later saw glimpses of actual thriving, and today I see it even more clearly and these past 10 years have seen the return of that undefinable appreciation for life, that spark that ignites a burning love in my chest.

Last year, a relatively new friend and romantic interest of mine, took her own life. I knew she was struggling. We had a date to go for a walk around the lake here in my neighborhood. I was going to give her this book: The Happiness Trap (http://www.amazon.com/The-Happiness-Trap-Struggling-ebook/dp/B004XI12O8/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1)

It would be highly presumptive for me to think that any of this will speak to how exactly you are feeling right now, but I really just want to express that you are not alone in the general way that you feel, and that someone actually cares. I would sign off with a quote from Valerie in V for Vendetta as though they were my own words:

"I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An Inch, it is small and it is fragile, but it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you."

Depends on how old you are.

• Middle school: I really enjoyed this, this, and this, but I don't think I can read those books now (29) without cringing a little bit. Especially, Getting Things Done because I already know how to make to do list, but I still flip through all 3 books occastionally.
  
  
• High school: I really enjoyed this, this, and this, but if you're a well adjusted human and responsible adult, then I don't think you'll find a lot of helpful advice from these 6 books so far because it'll be pretty basic information.
  
  
• College: I really enjoyed this, this, and started doing Malcolm Gladwell books. The checklist book helped me get more organized and So Good They Can't Ignore You was helpful starting my career path.
  
• Graduate School: I really enjoyed this, this, and this. I already stopped with most "self help" books and reading more about how to manage my money or books that looked interesting like Stiff.
  
  
• Currently: I'm working on this, this, and this. Now I'm reading mostly for fun, but all three of these books are way out of my league and I have no idea what their talking about, but they're areas of my interest. History and AI.

Hey, it sounds like you have normal symptoms of depression. Depressed individuals often feel periods of low self-esteem, lack of interest in things normally enjoyed, and feelings of being unmotivated or stuck. Are you seeing a therapist for it?

I think a lot of depressed individuals sometimes don't realize, that depression often causes some pretty inaccurate thinking (you don't just feel bad like most people think, but your reasoning is also thwarted at times). There was actually a study where they took people that were going through depression and measured their ability to define the meaning of parables and sayings and it was shown that some of their ability was hampered.

Where am I going with this? I bet a lot of the harsh things you tell yourself aren't completely true, and I bet you probably maximize the faults in yourself (like zooming in onto a flaw) and probably minimize the good things about yourself. You probably mess up sometimes, but it isn't true that its all the time. It is impossible to mess up all the time. It is also impossible also to never have "earned" anything at your age. If you've ever done any homework, paid attention in class, or passed a single class, you've earned that. Also, you might feel like people don't take you seriously, but feeling doesn't mean that's true. Unless they say something, you can't read their minds. That might be the depression talking to you.

You are a senior in college, so it actually sounds like you're doing pretty ok in reality, even if you don't feel that way. Not everyone needs to have a job in college. (I don't work right now and I think that is a very very good thing.)Your parents sound like hard workers, but I think comparing yourself to them is probably not helping you much. I also don't see any issue with living with your parents during college. It saves a lot of money.

Therapy is probably your best bet. I'm not someone who has depression, (I instead deal with anxiety and was sort of born with self esteem) but I do read self-help books related to depression.

Here are a few that I've enjoyed, maybe you'd like browsing through some of these. I think it is a great idea for you to develop some tools for dealing with this and ebooks can be a way to start.

http://islamiconlineuniversity.com/counseling/resources/David%20Burns%20-%20Feeling%20Good.pdf This is a book that will help you practice cognitive behavior therapy. I like to do some of the exercises in this book. It focuses on helping you get a bit more active and also combating negative thoughts. It can seem silly sometimes, but try it out. I kind of love it.

Little book of contentment: http://zenhabits.net/little-book/
This is a nice and short book just intended for anyone to read. I think it makes some smart points. It is good for working on your self-esteem and moods.

The happiness Trap could be beneficial to you as well. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004XI12O8/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?ie=UTF8&btkr=1

This will introduce you to ACT (Acceptance and commitment therapy), which is another technique you can use to deal when sudden negative thoughts pop into your head or you suddenly just feel down.

http://images.kw.com/docs/2/1/2/212345/1285134779158_htwfaip.pdf
A book by Dale Carnegie you can use to spice up your social skills.

Hope that helps a bit. Learning to manage moods and feelings takes work and time, but I think progressively a person can learn to deal better.

A couple of thoughts:

0. I have never had therapy, so I can't tell you much about it. But from what I've heard from others, I think it might be worthwhile for you to give it a shot. Unfortunately I have no basis to give any advice on how to pick a competent therapist or anything of that sort, so I'll defer from commenting on that.

1. You say you're ugly... well, maybe, maybe not. If you're willing to post pics, I'm sure a few folks here would give you an unbiased opinion on that, and maybe some specific suggestions on things you could improve. I've often heard it said that almost any man is well on his way to being attractive if he gets a better haircut, whiter teeth, and a nice shirt. Even if you don't want to post a pic, maybe try changing your hairstyle, and/or fashion style. Ask around for advice from friends or strangers at the mall, whatever floats your boat.
   
   
2. A question: are you confident in other areas of your life? If so, which ones? Or do you feel like you're generally lacking in confidence all around? If its the latter, there are some things you can do to help build your confidence. Consider looking at something like Ross Jeffries' Unstoppable Confidence course. If you don't want to buy it, there are cough certain bittorrent sites cough where it might be found... There are also tons of books on improving your confidence, which can be found at any Barnes & Noble or Borders, or on Amazon. For example: http://www.amazon.com/Confidence-Course-Seven-Steps-Self-Fulfillment/dp/0061094536/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1285713018&sr=1-1, or http://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Secrets-Total-Self-Confidence-Revised/dp/042522189X/ref=pd_sim_b_3, or http://www.amazon.com/Confidence-Plan-How-Build-Stronger/dp/1402203497/ref=pd_sim_b_5 among others.
   
   
3. Working out isn't just about looking better... that itself is a way one can increase ones confidence. The idea is, as you challenge yourself (to run faster, run further, life more weight, etc.) and gradually improve your performance and experience the phenomenon of meeting goals and overcoming challenges along the way, you become more confident from the process. Because you demonstrate to yourself that you are capable of setting a goal, making progress towards it, and achieving it. That said, working out isn't the only way to do this... in theory almost anything that has some metric associated with it, and that you can improve at over time, can be used. But I'd suggest not using "getting my World of Warcraft character to a higher level," but that's just me. The book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience goes into this kind of phenomenon in depth... I highly recommend reading that one.
   
   
4. Finally, if your confidence issues really are just "girl specific," then you might benefit from shelling out the $$$ for a boot camp with one of the pickup instruction companies. Having an actual instructor there with you to instruct you, coach you up, and push you a bit, could possibly work wonders. The big downside is that boot camps with the really well known companies can be kinda pricey. I've never taken one, so I can't recommend any in particular. But.. if you live in an urban area, there's a chance you may find a local outfit (even if it's just an individual doing it on the side) that does lessons and boot-camps for a lot less than the big companies.

The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature - evolutionary psychology, behavioral genetics. (probably most interesting from a Freudian perspective, deals with many of our unconscious instincts)

Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces The Shape Our Decisions - Unconscious decision-making, behavioral economics, consumer psychology. Fun read.

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion - Most popular book on the psychology of persuasion, covers all the main principles. Very popular among business crowds.

Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships - Social neuroscience, mirror neurons, empathy, practical stuff mixed with easy to understand brain science.

Authentic Happiness - Positive Psychology, happiness, increasing life satisfaction.

Feeling Good - A good primer on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Also widely considered one of the best self-help books by mental health practitioners.

The Brain That Changes Itself - Neuroplasticity, how experience shapes our brains. Some really remarkable case studies that get you wondering how powerful our brains really are.

The Buddhist Brain - The practical neuroscience of happiness, love, and wisdom from a Buddhist perspective.

That should give you more than enough to chew on.

I think some part of you already knows the answer. I think the edge of the word "alcoholic" is that even a doctor is never going to give you a straight up answer. It's one of those words that take on more and more power the more and more you wonder. But if you're wondering that's a sign of the direction you're headed in. Maybe ask yourself how long it has been a bottle of wine a night. Before asking yourself if you can have a night off - I mean that might not be convenient, timing might be bad, fuck it, whatever y'know. But just try and remember the last few months, or the past year even. How many nights a week usually? And try not to lie, if a number of nights is in question, round upwards, what've you got to lose, you can always estimate a low number later. Brag about it. I got 10 years minimum on the daily, can you beat that? I can round upwards to 15 maybe. Anyway, whatever you say ain't going to scare me is all I'm saying. I mean that sounds bad eh? So if some stranger on the internet told you the same number you come up with, what would call them?

Truthfully, the term "alcoholic" is out of medical vouge.. they've got a sliding scale of "alcohol use order", with eleven points and you're just ranked on a scale. Scroll down to see a chart comparing the old Alcoholic with AUD

For me I think i was doing pretty good with beer, but a diagnosis of gout (which I was all but positive was triggered by the excessive alcohol of sugar of years) had me switch from beer to whisky and shit took on a whole new level. I wanted to keep drinking beer forever because it didn't get me drunk.. so i told myself.. oh fuck i drove drunk with the kids man. jesus eh? what the fuck. but i digress. anyway, I just kept sliding down that honey pot, like a venus fly trap getting sucked in closer

Probably the most helpful book, which get's recommended on /r/stopdrinking (which is an amazing sub by the way, check it out), is This Naked Mind (website ~ Audiobook ~ first 40 pages ~ Amazon). I did the audiobook and it really helped me get a clearer perspective. I think it's got a lot of fascinating things to say about a substance that is advertised everwhere, served everywhere, seen everywhere. I think it deserves as much attention as the place cigarettes did in our society a few years back. go back and watch an 80s move - everyone's smoking. Now nobody smokes. Societal norms impact that and we've got a really big blind spot when it comes to Alcohol. Anyway, so, really really great book and it's not a "quit drinking" alcohol book unless you need it to be. It's about getting control of alcohol in your life which for me was ending it's consumption. I handle alcohol much better when it stays out of my body. Some 15 days in to some stretch of trying to quit (it wouldnt be the first) and I was like "hey this is easy" (it wasn't) "what else should I do to keep it going, maybe I'll read this book all the /r/stopdrinking folks are talking about" So I already knew where I was going, but even if you don't have a problem I think it was really really well done.

Sorry for rambling on but just in case you're kinda close to what I felt like back in the day, I figure you might be okay with me going on a bit.. Anyway, thanks for following me to this comment, that's a pretty big complement. I'm really glad you liked what I wrote. I really liked what you wrote about the cubes on ketamine, that sounds amazing. I'm happy to read anything you want to write back

It sounds like you really want to be an excellent parent. Props.

I recommend that you study mindfulness and equanimity.

I am currently the parent of two young children. It can be very, very stressful at times. What I have found most valuable is an ability to keep myself emotionally on an even keel. I have found a mindfulness practice to be extremely valuable in this regard.

Things are going to happen that will be very trying. You might have a kid with colic, who screams and cries for twelve or more hours of the day. You will almost certainly be sleep deprived. You may have difficulty finding time to do the things you like doing now. You need to be able to maintain a calm emotional state in the face of some events that will really test you. Ideally, you need to be able to be happy in these circumstances. In my opinion this is important for the happiness and health of your whole family.

Having an established mindfulness practice will help you keep your mind on what's important. For example, instead of wondering how you will survive the night, you may realize that you are snuggling the baby who you looked forward to meeting for so long.

I really like this book, and recommend it strongly. /r/Meditation is also a useful resource.

This is not something you can just read in a book and know. It's something you have to practice, a trained skill, like riding a bike. If you're interested in this, I suggest starting as soon as possible. It will be much easier to get started in the relative calm that you are now enjoying.

Secular Buddhism is the core beliefs of Buddhism that are backed by science, and not any of the 'woo' like reincarnation, karma, etc that there is no evidence for. For me personally, I've been coming around to believe in at least some of the basics, like the Four Noble Truths and the Eightfold Path.

I was drawn towards Buddhism even back when I was still a Christian because a teacher introduced me to yoga and meditation. I ended up taking a yoga class for a semester at my university and always felt a peace there that was deeper and more real than christianity's "a peace that surpasses all understanding". I went through a really rough semester after that (repressed memories from my parents' divorce and subsequent fighting when I was very young) and meditation was the only thing I found that could help me feel ok with any of it. I kinda dropped it after a while, but picked meditation back up about 4 months ago, along with reading a lot more about the core beliefs of Buddhism.

The book I started with (and you'll have to forgive the intentionally inflammatory title) is called Why Buddhism is True by Robert Wright. The book outlines how recent findings in the fields of psychology, evolutionary biology, and neuroscience back up some of the Buddhist claims about suffering and its source. It also covers in great detail the potential benefits of a regular meditation practice.

For Christmas, my wife got me a book called The Book of Joy, which is a week-long dialogue/Q&A between the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu of South Africa about how to live a joyful life. It's not really about Buddhism per se, but the Dalai Lama has a lot of great answers that are informed by his worldview.

The most recent book that I have been reading are The Issue at hand, which can be downloaded as a pdf for free here. This book is a collection of essays put together by the Insight Meditation Center (which also happens to be where Robert Wright from the book above went on a retreat) about the basics of Buddhism.

Sorry this is kinda lengthy, and potentially vague - I'm writing this while I have my morning coffee. If you're interested in hearing more or have any questions, I'm an open book!

Your comment appears to have absolutely nothing at all to do with Positive Psychology. These psychologists did not invent the "law of attraction", that was a group of new age hippies who believed that if you just think positive things, then good things will happen.

Positive Psychology, on the other hand, is the idea that clinical psychology has focused too long on mental illness and behavioral abnormalities, and that given the information we currently have on the human condition, we should be trying to use our scientific knowledge to help otherwise healthy and "normal" individuals become happier. So rather than waiting for someone to develop a mental disorder before helping them, Positive Psychology suggests that we should reduce the chance of these people developing disorders in the first place, and we should help work with things like self-esteem, satisfaction, social skills, etc, even when they are not in the "abnormal" range.

These psychologists do not suggest that thinking "positive thoughts" will make your problems go away, and they do not suggest that a failure to think positively is a mental disorder that needs to be treated.

Here are some resources you might find useful:

Positive psychology (Wiki)

Authentic Happiness - Seligman

The Happiness Hypothesis - Haidt

I understand why people confuse Positive Psychology with woo-ey beliefs like 'telling yourself you're beautiful 20 times a day will improve your self esteem!' and the law of attraction, but Positive Psychology is actually a valid field of science which is based upon solid empirical findings. I just wish the researchers in the area would stop using such flowery language to describe their work because it causes this confusion - they're like damn hippies with PhDs.

Hey, you know yourself best. And you understand something 90% of the population doesn't... there are brain disorders that exist that require medical care, not just a "good outlook". Since you know that you are of course, more aware of what could go wrong and to fix it. I think that's great. When I was pregnant for the first time I read everything I could about it including what could go wrong. I credit that information for saving my child's life. I went into preterm labor and because my labor is not "normal" my doctor didn't think it was labor at all. I however, KNEW something was wrong. I was right. Because I made a big deal they took the tests that showed I was in labor. Fortunately it was still early enough to stop the labor and save my baby. For the next three months I was on meds that allowed my baby to be born healthy and happy. I know this is a very different example, but the point is the same. Keep learning what is out there, don't worry too much, but if you feel something is wrong, look into it until you are comfortable. You sound like a nice guy. I didn't think the post was particularly dramatic, its hard to sum up in a short Reddit post years of experience. I thought you were pretty matter of fact and just highlighted the relevant items.

On another note, you may like to read about Feynman... for some reason I think you may like it. He was a brilliant, but very unusual man.

http://www.amazon.com/Feynman-books/lm/ERCOUYEM6LIP
http://www.amazon.com/What-Care-Other-People-Think/dp/0553347845/ref=cm_lmf_tit_2

Edit: wow, I read it back and realized I had to clear it up.

Ah, well best of luck. I definitely know how miserable that can be. A couple of words of wisdom if you've never meditated before:

1. It can suck. I equate it to working out. The first time you go for a run or lift weights, it's painful. It's the same with meditating. Take it slow. What's really worked for me is starting at 5-10 minutes twice a day. On weekends, I add an extra 5 minutes to the end of each session to push myself a little more. Every month, I increase my duration by 5 minutes. It was a slow process but now 45 minutes is a breeze.
   
   
2. It will be boring and frustrating. In the beginning, it will seem like all you're doing is having thought after thought. Remember that meditation isn't just about having a quiet mind. This was a mistake I made early on. You're making progress as long as you're recognizing your mind wandering and bringing it back to the breath.
   
   
3. Consistency is key. You have to prioritize meditation, even if you really don't feel like doing it. Doing 5 minutes every day is better than 35 minutes once a week.
   
   
   Deciding to start meditating was one of the most life-changing decisions I've ever made, so I'm excited for you and hope you feel the same down the road. There are plenty of books to read, but for new mediators, 10% Happier is a good place to start. I wasn't a fan of the style of writing but the information is worth it. He has a couple of good book recommendations in there there that you can continue with afterwards, too.
   
   One last suggestion regarding your sleep problems is the book The Promise of Sleep: A Pioneer in Sleep Medicine Explores the Vital Connection Between Health, Happiness, and a Good Night's Sleep https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440509017/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_J9z0Bb2APF2YG
   
   This book really helped me understand sleep on a new level and helped me identify new strategies for tackling sleep issues. It sounds like you're already on top of those strategies, but I remember how desperate I was when I was suffering from insomnia and was ready to try anything to get a good night's sleep, so there you go.

You may wake up with no anxiety and feeling normal for once after a late night of drinking, but does that feeling persist? No, of course not...it goes away some time after the alcohol wears off. So that would mean the only way to consistently have that great feeling if the only remedy is alcohol is to drink it ALL THE TIME. But you know that is not possible, that you would not be able to function in society and your body would literally shut down. If you find this to be true, how could it be the alcohol that is giving you those powers of feeling normal and anxiety free? In truth, could it be that alcohol is the original cause of those feelings in the first place, and once under its grasp the only way to find relief from those feelings is more alcohol?

"[alcohol] offers itself as a relief from the very problems it causes." --DFW

If this concept is intriguing to you, give Allen Carr and Annie Grace a read. They both do an excellent job of unwinding the myths that society has propagated about alcohol, including how it can feel impossible to enjoy life without it.

Yeah, that's the thing about codependency. You think of yourself as 'the strong one' and take a lot of self-esteem from that. Unfortunately, this is bad for your partner, as it encourages him to be weak and dysfunctional in order to prop you up. It was humbling to me to find that my ex did much better after I left him, and understand that all my 'help' was actually hurting him and keeping him stuck.

>I really need to get back to therapy, but finances are super tight... I was going to a work paid therapy, but they only pay for 6 sessions per issue (I'd attended 3 so I had 3 more for relationships and could have gotten 6 more for finances) but I don't know if that will be enough.

Yes, 6 sessions is enough to make a big difference if they're doing an evidence-supported therapy like CBT or ACT and if you're willing to actually do the work. Also, you can do therapy just fine on yourself with a good book, again, if you're willing to do the work. A therapist is just there to encourage you and keep you accountable. I like this book:

The Happiness Trap

>We bought a house, so selling this house and moving in with a friend will also help immensely towards being able to leave... But that's so much work so it may take me a year to purge the last 10 years of crap from this house to be able sell it.

Selling that stuff on Craigslist can give you a bit more income, as well as reducing the clutter. But you can also sell a house that isn't perfect.

> I guess I'm afraid of rejection

You, me, and everyone here. At least to start with.

> Should I just message him?

You can. I don't, as a guy, as most women just ignore random hellos on Facebook. You haven't built attraction yet. If you have a pretty profile pic, this may work for you. Rules are slightly different for ladies.

Face to face is more interesting, and works better, IMHO. Especially for a "good looking" woman. Guys don't generally get the "stalker" feeling when a women talks to us. So it's easier to approach a guy.

There's two things I want you to know:

The first: Rejection won't kill you.

The ability to face rejection will make you a better person with more control of their life. You should talk to him, because, win or lose, it will put you on a path to a better life. Here's a book that talks about it. But don't wait for the book, talk to him soon.

Second, the less you need, the less you can be rejected.
BAD: "I wanna have your babies" :-)
GOOD: "It's a beautiful day, isn't it?"

Or the classic "Excuse me, do you know where the <slightly obscure building> is?". Of course, you'll want a reason why you need to go there.

Don't put a lot of need into your conversation, just talk. Don't make the goal to get a date, just to have a conversation. I wouldn't mention the Facebook stalking :-) But, after you make some real life connection, a friend request is reasonable. Then you have an excuse to say "you like <Band>, too!?".

> How would you feel if a good looking and relatively outgoing woman you've never met initiated the conversation out of the blue?

Like I won the lottery. We don't like rejection either. If we get to talk to an interesting woman, and don't have to face rejection, it's great.

when you jerk off, you feel better in the moment. It releases a bunch of dopamine into the brain - it is a way of numbing the pain away ... which means you don't need to deal with whatever emotional pain you are experiencing.

It is also addictive. Over time, if you allow it to become compulsive, you'll need more and more of it to stay regular. Go without, and you will experience something like withdrawl.

Go without long enough, and your body will self-regulate.

Put differently, the sex drive drives human achievement. Either pursuing sex, or, in the absence of that, persuing the sort of personal advancement that might lead to sex - success in business, in the gym, on the sporting field, etc.

Jerking off provides the satisfaction of having accomplish something without actually accompishing anything. It means you don't have to work for it, so you are unlikely to work.

In the long-run, sitting at home, watching netflix, eating cheetos, and jerking off makes you lonely and sad. It is as if the brain runs out of dopamine - as if it is a sponge you have squeezed dry.

If you are a regular-jerker, non-weight lifter, netflix watching cheetos lover, I recommend 31 days to masculinity:

https://www.amazon.com/31-Days-Masculinity-Guide-Authentic-ebook/dp/B071HZ5VBV

The books has some... non-politically correct ideas in it, but overall I found it incredibly helpful.

I hope that helps.

Another book I like is the mindful attraction plan by althol kay:

https://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Attraction-Plan-Practical-Creating/dp/149045151X

The book assumes you have a significant other that doesn't like you, but really, you don't need to be in that situation. The SEEECRIT of that book is that is about improving yourself.

Focus on improving yourself, on being a better person each day, and you won't have TIME to have anxiety.

somewhat serious.

I think it is important to be a bit more clear. There is a difference between Col 3:2 (Setting your affections on the things above) or Philippians 4:8 (what ever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is... think on these things) and what you are describing. What you are describing is the “power of positive thinking”. In one case, positive thinking tries to make us be or feel better by changing the way we think. In the biblical case, changing our mind transforms us from glory to glory. In positive thinking, it is about what makes us feel or be better, in the biblical case we worship and glorify our God. In positive thinking we narcissistically put the emphasis on us, in the biblical case we focus on our Creator and all glory and honor is his.

This might sound nit picky, but I think it is important to make this distinction that the secular world and its atheistic or even spiritualistic mindset sees as self help. This differs in goal. The secular goal is about me, the Christian goal in changing the way we think is about God.

Autogenerated.

[Senior, read over a year ago] I have read some introductory books on Buddhist Philosophy: The Book of Joy, Monk and the Philosopher and Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill. AMA.

I'm not religious and I read these books to get a glimpse of Buddhist philosophy and understand how they see life. I guess I've been searching my self in these books. I'm NOT an expert but these books have affected my life to this day (read them about a year ago).

Since then, I have read books like Man's Search For Meaning and Destructive Emotions.

I'll try my best to answer any question, but I don't mind if other "seniors" will answer as well! That would make the discussion much richer actually.

Books in question:
The Book of Joy (https://www.amazon.com/Book-Joy-Lasting-Happiness-Changing/dp/0399185046)
The Monk and the Philosopher (https://www.amazon.com/Monk-Philosopher-Father-Discuss-Meaning-ebook/dp/B004KABESI/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1523017368&sr=1-1&keywords=monk+and+the+philosopher)
Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill (https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Guide-Developing-Lifes-Important/dp/0316167258)


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Comment 1 of 1
Updated at 2018-04-07 08:34:24.559618

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Yeah, now that I think about it--getting a new relationship to my thoughts was a big part of feeling more positive after I left Mormonism and made acting positively much easier.

I mentioned in a post below about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which is a type of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and is considered the best supported type of general psychological therapy to my knowledge. It was definitely a turning point for me. I highly recommend it. There are a few good books out there. I like this one the most, but I think even it overcomplicates the process a bit.

The gist of it is to learn how to keep your thoughts and feelings flexible, so that you don't get stuck in them for too long. It involves learning a bit of meditation and noticing the difference between your automatic inner thoughts and the input from your senses in the present. Once you get good at this you'll find it easier to choose to "move towards" things you value in the long term, rather than feel like your only choice is to "avoid" or "attack" the stuff you fear that in reality might not ever happen or even exist.

I liked it, so just passing it along.

Search Inside Yourself: The Unexpected Path to Achieving Success, Happiness (and World Peace) by Chade-Meng Tan. This was a great book on the importance of mindfulness and emotional intelligence.

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo. Helped me get on the path to decluttering my life.

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover helped me to stop seeking approval from others and insuring my own needs are met.

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini. A good introduction to social psychology.

These are just a few I've read in the past few years that have helped me. Good luck!

Hi Dark Knight ;)

I have experienced similar situations myself. Here's what I think about your whole predicament :

• It seems you are good at your job considering you got best performer award & on site opportunity. So I don't think you are useless.
  
  
• Also you are working on a startup & already you have got a funding! That's commendable! So you are not nothing.
  
  
• I am assuming you have a package of 3L+ which is a sufficient income for most unless you are a materialistic person who can't do away with ac, gold class seats & branded jeans. Money buys you comfort not happiness.
  
  
• Regarding misbehaving incident, you know you are innocent & your bosses have not thrown you out, so don't worry about it. Specially what others think of you. People have short long memory & with new scandal you will be forgotten quite rapidly. Look at all the politicians, cricketers & filmstars!
  
  
• You can search for new job as well if the work & the work environment is not stimulating. Also try for another state or metro. You will get some distance from your parents, you will get new experience & exposure in new city, new people & culture. It will take your mind of these current issues & you will come out mature & self-reliant.
  
  
• You are confused about further carrier direction as well. Stay in same industry, start your own business or IAS? Practically speaking you should get more experience in one industry first. Simultaneously you can work on IAS preparation or startup (but not both). After few years you will have more experience, options & clarity. On the other hand you have only 1 life & you should not waste your years doing the things you don't love.
  
  
• It's secondary what your parents expect of you or whether you will be able to crack the IAS exam. What's important is what really excites you? What are your values? What is important to you in long term?
  
  
• Your parents want you to be an IAS. So somewhere in their head they know that you have a potential, that you are smart. I dont think they really think you are useless, they probably want you to do more, be more. Ofcourse it's not right of them to pressurise you into any carrier choice, marriage choice etc. You need to sit & clarify this to them in a civilized manner.
  
  
• It's difficult to ascertain whether your gf was intoxicated or not. But unless her friend is really chhapri (cheap), he would not have dared to grope her (knowing she is with you). As you said she had ignored his lewd messages previous, that might have sent him wrong idea. But I hope she had told you about those messages before this incident otherwise it was definitely wrong on her part to hide such important issue from her bf.
  
  
• Trust is important. But none of us are Saints. What is important is to acknowledge your mistakes & not to repeat them. Fool me ones, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me! So meet her, explain your situation like a gentleman but make it clear that henceforth you expect complete & upfront honesty. And from that day onwards, never utter a word about it.
  
  
• Long distance relationships are difficult to maintain & if there are trust issues then it's just a daily frustration, continuous snooping & tons of fights. If you delay the marriage & you are still in different cities, fighting against each other & with parents then it will only be an excruciating mess.
  
  
• When you get cheated on but decide to forgive the other person it often results into a snooping sort of thing. And it's quite natural if you think about it. One fine day, your brain suddenly got the shock of its life & it was painful to say the least. Now he doesn't want to go through similar ordeal again, so he goes into this super cautious mode & tries to verify every data, every odd occurrence. It assigns meaning where there is none & sees a face even in the shadows. Isn't it like getting bitten by a dog! But the good news is that you can curb your anxiety by clarifying this to your brain. Tell him that if she is lying then that would be the end of this relation & he need not worry. If she isn't lying then thats a good thing & he need not worry. Conclusion: Don't worry, be happy & brave. And yes, you are not a psychopath!
  
  
• You are young, you have health, education, job, financial stability, family & a gf. Yes, few of these variables are not perfect but atleast they are there. If you throw your problems in a basket where everyone threw their problems then you would quickly take back yours. Suffering is not the problem, it's a part of life. Suffering without meaning is the issue. Nietzsche said, “He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How.” It's not what happens to you but what you 'think' happed, matters. If so then these problems are rather opportunities in disguise to take hard decisions, to find your meaning of life & to grow further.
  
  
• Tell me, if all your problems are solved within 3 months, will you still like to end your life? That is, if you have a new job, away from the house & probably a new gf, will you still find this life unbearable? What I am trying to say is, you are frustrated not because life in general sucks but because you haven't been able to glimpse at the solutions to your particular problems. Don't run away from the problems, run towards solutions. That's what engineers do, we solve problems!
  
  
• Empty mind is Devils paradise. You need to get busy. Start reading & exercising daily. This will rejuvenate your mind & body. I can't stress enough on exercise. If I skip 2 days, I start feeling low. Don't waste too much time on a gf who may or may not be honest, with whom you may or may not have future. Soulful conversations, jokes, romance is healthy utilization of time. Checking out last seen, fb pics, dress regulation, movement regulation, analysing every word & smilie is equal to eventual self destruction. Decide today to say, 'Fk it. I am above these silly games'. If you love someone set them free, if they come back they are yours but if they don't, they never were.
  
  
• I don't know how reliable online personality tests are. Actually you seemed opposite to narcissistic to me considering you are so concerned about everyone else in your life. In any case, you must get an appointment with a psychologist. This will give you an opportunity to fully open up & share your problems. Doctor can guide you better than us. It's not very costly either. You can expect about 500 to 1000Rs per visit for an average doctor.
  
  
• Finally, let me leave you with this famous couplet. It reminds me to become stronger version of my self everyday. (Note: I am atheist, I refer God mentioned here only in literary sense.)
  
  " ख़ुदी को कर बुलंद इतना कि हर तक़दीर से पहले ।
  
  ख़ुदा बंदे से ख़ुद पूछे बता तेरी रज़ा क्या है ।।" (इक़्बाल)
  
  " Make yourself so strong that before every destiny, God asks you, tell me what you want "
  
   
  
  Check out these books. These are all Amazon India links. But if you can't buy them now, there are free EPUB versions of every book mentioned below :
  
  
• Important life lessons : It's an online article that enlists 100 simple life lessons
  
  
• A man's search for meaning : Account of a survivor of Auschwitz
  
  
• Authentic Happiness : Cognitive Behaviour Therapy which is often given by psychologist to a depressed individual
  
  
• The mindful way through depression : How mindfulness meditation can be useful against depression, along with CBT
  
  
• The Willpower instinct : How to create habits using willpower, useful to create stronger self control demanded by tough times
  
   
  
  Summery : Don't worry friend, this too shall pass. It always does! Be brave, its a daily choice. Try to focus on solving problems one by one. Get professional help at the earliest. Invest time in things that will help you in long term. Exercise & read everyday. And always remember "All izz welll..!"
  
  

My honest opinion is - don't rush to take refuge. If you have the right intentions, right connection will come in time. You can start by reading some books and start doing beginner mindful meditation which does not require taking refuge or becoming part of a sangha. Study all that you can - there are so many paths out there it can become daunting. Ask questions - here on reddit or even PM me if you like. You must make sure you know exactly what your doing before taking up the Vow of Refuge. This is not a path where blind faith will suffice.

In addition to doing basic meditation, you can also start living a more honest life based on Buddhist principles, such as becoming more conscious of the suffering of others and of the environment, practice more basic loving-kindness in your life, and start to eat foods which is more helpful to your body and the environment. Just like many people start identifying with Buddhist philosophies and see where that take you. But above all, read and study all about the specific paths which interest you.

This is what I did for over 20 plus years before I finally take the plunge and found the right guru. I have zero regrets and confusion when I did since all the question I'll ever had about my guru or Buddhism in general has already been answered.

As a start I always recommend this book to beginners: it's a great guide to start meditation practice w/o any requirement or commitment to any religion.

I can personal vouch for the writer along with thousands of others as to the validity of his teachings and his own personal achievement. He is currently on a 3 year personal retreat where he decided to abandon all the excess of the modern world and meditate inside various caves in Nepal/Tibet by himself like the yogis of the old days, without taking any money or even extra clothing with him. He has about an year left and we're all eagerly waiting for his return. He's fluent in English so reading his book won't confuse you one bit.

EDIT: lastly, there's no need to "join" any sangha right away. I would say that generally do more harm than good to beginners. Learn all you can, make a commitment to Dharma before searching for a group of people to join.

I've found this book to be very helpful in preparing for future journeys.

https://www.amazon.com/Psychedelic-Psychotherapy-User-friendly-Guide-Drug-assisted/dp/0963009656/ref=sr_1_1?crid=47MZHBYBK32B&keywords=psychedelic+psychotherapy&qid=1573053793&sprefix=psychedelic+psych%2Caps%2C147&sr=8-1

Most importantly you want to feel safe going into the experience because the safer you feel the easier it is to let go and not resist. So in a practical sense, to me that means: 1) knowing what you're ingesting is safe (getting it tested if you got it yourself; or if you found someone who offers the experience, making sure they have a good track record); 2) feeling safe with your sitter (if it's someone who is new to you trust your instincts....do they engender trust and make you feel at ease?); and 3) picking a comfortable place to have the experience where ideally you don't have to worry about any interruptions....i.e. you can focus just on the journey.

If you're in or near a city that has them, I'd recommend going to any sort of psychedelic meetup. This could be hard for someone with CPTSD (it wasn't easy for me) but I think you'll find the community overall pretty welcoming.

Great book OP:

The Life-changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k

It's NOT a parody. It's more an homage to Marie Kondo's brilliance about organizing the physical, translated into organizing the emotional and spiritual.

Sorry, editing because I hit post before I meant to.

You didn't think she cared enough to get off her ass and come there. Good news/bad news... her near death experience slapped the bitch upside the head, in ways that were, of course, profoundly meaningful for her. Not enough to make her respectful, appropriate, or remorseful. Oh, perish the thought!

What happened was that, at the momentous crisis that woulda-coulda-shoulda been her passing... the throngs of morners gathered around her deathbed to weep over her, and thank her, and bless her, and give her attention, damnit did not materialize. Hours and hours went by, days and days... and to her immense shock and anger (Nrage) for much, if not most of that time, the throngs of loving sycophants did not camp out in and around the hospital, praying, day and night.

But, (oh, you poor bastard), you did show up.

And, like any junkie, she would have gitten a fix anywhere, from anyone... but YOU? holy shit BREAKING NO CONTACT??? Oh, Bella... YOU are her particular brand of heroine.

And she wants another hit.

And her reality is completely Twilight Zone... she successfully identified a way to have contact and ... and this is a big one.....

All the effing people who she's been getting Nsupply from in your absence, to her mind, deserted her in her hour of need. Because, even if they actually had been incredibly attentive, giving, and solicitous during her health crisis... to a narc they don't have "lives offstage". Everone else only exists in relation to the Narc. So every minute she experienced, that she didn't have The Entire Supporting Cast surrounding her.... or (gasp) endured alone... she resented the fuck put of. Narcs do not grasp the concept of other people having their own needs, as normal people do when in the hospital and loved ones need to go home, shower, maybe take the trash out or pay bills or do a load of laundry, and can't just sit attentively and adoringly at the bedside.

So... this is all her. This isn't you. Not even for her junkie shakes of coming to you for Nsupply. You did the decent, honorable thing that honored your own Truth... and by resetting the boundary, you are HONORING THAT HIGHER TRUTH. But its sooooo textbook predictable on her part. But, again, that is NOT your responsibility.

For acne usually you have to do hardcore lifestyle changes. The video from "acneanswers" seems promising, i haven't seen it all though.

In general for acne you should:

• Take care of your digestion, this book is awesome: Digestive wellness
  
• Another overall health book i really like is this: The Ultramind solution
  
• In general avoid dairy products and foods high in glycemic index.
  
• For start these are enough, if you finish the above books then you will find your way by yourself ;)
  
  About dermabrasion and microdermabrasion, in a few worlds:
  
  
• Demrabrasion is for deeper scars and if performed by a VERY good and experienced in this procedure physician can have great results.
  
• Microdermabrasion is for thinner scars, it is has lower risk for complications but still an experienced and well trained physician is needed.
  
• You can find many reviews around the web, check http://realself.com.
  
  I think you have lot of homework to do xD
  Good Luck
  
  PS: These books are gold, read them!
  

You are fortunate to be in treatment with a therapist who understands CEN. If they haven't mentioned reparenting you might bring that up as a way to give yourself the nurturing that you missed as a child:

https://yourholisticpsychologist.com/what-is-reparenting-and-how-to-begin/

A way to be less at the mercy of your emotions is a mindfulness technique. One would practice viewing thoughts and emotions as passing events rather than getting caught up in them. This book covers several methods for doing that (from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy):

https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living-ebook/dp/B004XI12O8/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Again be grateful that you're in a position to resolve this and go on to a successful, happy life.

Your problem is your username.

Seriously, "pansy" is appropriate. To create attraction you have to follow this fine line of being a loving, gentle, and attentive partner, while also being exciting. The word "arouse" literally means "excite"--to make her feel things.

Just from your description I can tell you're sort of a mousey push over of a guy. You don't want to try too hard to show her you want her because you're afraid she'll feel bad? Come on, man.

You're acting like a wet noodle. A wet noodle who cooks a fair bit, washes the clothes, and bathes the kids. I'm sure she thinks you're great and fine, but I promise you she's not sexually attracted to you because you're not exciting.

You can do something about it. Here's a good book I know about this very subject: http://www.amazon.com/The-Mindful-Attraction-Plan-Practical/dp/149045151X

Good luck!

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns is a great choice. It doesn't focus on SA but rather on anxiety and depression more generally but you can use the methods to approach social anxiety just as well.

There are a couple others which could help you muster up the strength ideologically, like Rejection Proof or The Charisma Myth

It all comes down to being consistent and getting a bit stronger, a bit less anxious day by day. I wish you the very best!

Read Refuse to Choose by Barbara Sher, it's a great book about how to realistically fit your passions into your life, and there's a lot of practical and nuanced advice. Some people get interested in the same few things again and again, some people are split between 2 very different passions, some people (like you and me) are always finding something new. Barbara talks about how to manage all these different styles. I really wish I'd come across this book earlier in life. :)

There isn't much advice I can give but just to wish you good luck with you and her situation.

I really really really recommend buying this book because it kind of taught me a lot about "adult-ing." It might be helpful to your sister too. https://www.amazon.com/Adulting-Become-Grown-up-Easy-Steps/dp/1455516902/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1496024810&sr=8-1&keywords=adulting

Look up the author Barbara Sher and these books of hers:

"I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was"

"Refuse to Choose!: Use All of Your Interests, Passions, and Hobbies to Create the Life and Career of Your Dreams"

Barbara Sher is the real deal. She is like the streetwise, brilliant grandma you wish you could have grown up with for figuring out honestly what to do with your life. Read everything you can get your hands on of what she's written, ESPECIALLY the two books I mention above. Then write me in about 6 months and let me know how you are doing. :)

Everyone is trying to get by on life the best they can. Life is tough, I don't think I have to tell you that. People rationalize bad behaviors all the time, it's an evolutionary mechanism to make us accept the world and our lives and feel happier.

Yes, it's very frustrating to see people behaving irrationally. People should go vegan just by presenting them with all the proof and arguments. Buy they don't, and they won't. And if you think about it, you do exactly the same thing with other ethical decisions that are unrelated to veganism. We just don't understand why people don't follow our causes, but have no qualms not following others'.

I recommend you start meditating, and particularly on loving-kindness meditation. That will help you understand other people more (even if they do bad things, to you or to others). This in turn will make you much happier. I strongly recommend the book The Joy of Living, many friends have described as "the most important book they've ever read".

I've been reading this book recently. Only about halfway through, but it's definitely a good intro to mindfulness, if anyone is interested.

Kind of written more as an 'engineer' book than a 'self help' book if that makes sense at all, that's what drove me to it (As in, explaining how this effects your mind, as opposed to the image of "hocus pocus and mysticism" that some people might have).

There's a little known book called "Rejection Proof", I've met the author, Jia Jiang, an unassuming chinese guy that one day said 'fuck it' and challenged himself. He has a youtube channel that documents a lot of his experiment. He basically would ask people for ridiculous things that most people would EXPECT someone to say no to. A surprisingly large amount of people would say yes.

The book is not manosphere or Red Pill related, but should be.

If you don't want to read the book or watch the videos for inspiration then the short practical answer is: just do it with detachment to the outcome.

Personally, there's been periods in my life where I needed retraining in approaching. I would go somewhere public (like a mall), or throughout the day at various places, and say hi to any girl that was not accompanied by someone else. I'd say hi (or whatever), if they responded then I'd strike up a short conversation (intended to only last a minute or so), then once I noticed there was eye contact and a smile, I'd say something along the lines of "Hey, I gotta run and meet some friends, give me your number and I'll hit you up later" (or whatever phrasing you're comfortable with) then just hold your phone out (or hand them a receipt and a pen).

Later I'd just throw the numbers away to practice detachment.

The next level up is to say hi to pairs of girls and do the same thing.

I think your question is great - the kind of question that philosophers should grapple with, but seldom do anymore. It's a "big picture" question that relates to how to organize your thoughts so that you're not unwittingly working against your own long-term interests. In ancient times, the stoics and epicureans were concerned with these kinds of questions of how your mental outlook can influence the quality of your life.

It may help to imagine in detail what sort of life you would like to have, say, 5, 10, 20 years down the road. This future person will be a different "you" with slightly different interests and priorities, but many things will remain the same: you won't want to be starving or homeless, you won't want your kids to be crackheads, you'll want to be healthy, and so forth. Imagine an ideal "you" and then consider what you need to do to become this person in terms of adjusting mental and physical habits, what you need to achieve to be feel your life is well-lived, what work needs to be put in to get where you want to be, and so on. This isn't something to think about for 10 minutes and then forget; it needs to be lurking in the back of your mind and revisited frequently.

You may find Martin Seligman's book Authentic Happiness helpful. He's a psychologist by department, but I see this book as a modern evidence-based expansion on Aristotle's attempts to explicate the notion of a flourishing, well-lived life.

Two things that helped me:

• What is, is
  
  
• The world as we know it is based on a general agreement (things are the way they are, because we're globally fine with it).
  
  Some people have the drive, the will, the calling to change the general agreement. I recognize myself as one single ant in an ant colony, and decided to start from myself and little by little, slowly by slowly to radiate toward others, may they be family, friends or people who cross my way.
  
  It starts from the center. It is what it is. You are what you are. And you are enough, at your center, you are enough. As theoretical as it may sound, first take care of you, then radiate. It starts by taking time to enjoy small things, to walk in parks or forest.
  
  This book helped me tremendously on that path.
  
  Have a safe trip, brother.

This book has been good for me. You could both read it, then if you're confident and she trusts you, you can sit for her.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0963009656?psc=1&ref=yo_pop_mb_pd_title

Better yet, you could ask around for an experienced sitter. Holistic health providers might be able to recommend you to someone. Good luck.

> My view is that bagels can be a healthy part of a balanced diet. Yes, they're relatively high in carbs, but you just have to eat low carb for the rest of the day and it's fine.

Plz educate yourself. It's difficult to know where to start explaining it when you display that what you know about nutrition is just the popular opinions of uneducated marketers.

"Bagel" doesn't really say much. Were eggs used? Does it have added high fructose corn syrup? It depends. And carbs are not bad. Seriously I recommend learning about what the science says about food or you're gonna get scammed all your life.


http://www.amazon.com/The-China-Study-Comprehensive-Implications/dp/1932100660

http://www.amazon.com/Prevent-Reverse-Heart-Disease-Nutrition-Based/dp/1583333002

http://www.amazon.com/Neal-Barnards-Program-Reversing-Diabetes/dp/1594868107

http://www.amazon.com/The-UltraMind-Solution-Broken-Healing/dp/0743570480

http://www.amazon.com/The-Starch-Solution-Regain-Health/dp/1623360277

You can find these books online for free if you don't have the money as well. They have some clinical data and information which will help you understand what's healthy. You don't have to read all of it, but I highly suggest looking in that direction.

Maybe this book "The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happiness" by Mingyur Rinpoche; even though it is written by a Buddhist monk, the perspective is totally non religious, it explains very clearly and simply what is meditation and gives some simple but effective tecniques; they are Buddhist of course, but there is no reference to religion and similar. He just teaches awareness of thoughts, relaxation of the mind, awareness of breath and so on.

The Joy of Living

Did a lot of soul search in the last two years. In terms of life purpose two books totally changed my life The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World by the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu and The Gratitude Diaries. The first was life changing and inspiring looking at how people can thrive, love, and find happiness even during the worst of times (the invasion of Tibet, apartheid in South Africa). The second was on practical application of gratitude and moving away from materialism in an everyday manner.

​

Most impactful quote for me is from my grandfather: "Anything more than $10 is expensive, for once I prayed for even a grain of rice."

​

My grandfather grew up on a farm in southern China, during the Japanese occupation most of his village starved. He then studied incredibly hard and got into law school only to be thrown in a labor camp during the Communist revolution. His daily allotment of food a the camp was a bowl of rice. Later he and my grandmother escaped to Hong Kong where he worked as an A/C salesman and become a manager. But, when they moved to America he spoke no english and had to start over as a dishwasher. He's a guy that knows the value of every dollar and have saved his entire life - my grandfather and grandmother retired with $1M+ in savings and a pension.

You can do it with a friend. You and your friend should read up on the therapy.

1. A great how-to manual for the sitter and you is the Psychedelic Psychotherapy: A User-friendly Guide for Psychedelic Drug-assisted Psychotherapy - https://www.amazon.com/Psychedelic-Psychotherapy-User-friendly-Guide-Drug-assisted/dp/0963009656
   
2. Another great guide is Trust, Surrender, Receive- https://www.amazon.com/Trust-Surrender-Receive-Release-Trauma/dp/1619617382
   
   If I had to pick one to start, I would go with Psychedelic Psychotherapy.

So I used several items when I first started:


https://grokker.com/mind/expert/alister-gray/57fcc1dcc179d39938867c73


I really liked this coach (and remember, the coach is everything when first starting out). I used this as a beginner step and then took some more full courses with him. There are also several apps I recommend as well to get started:


https://apps.apple.com/us/app/stop-breathe-think/id778848692

​

https://www.headspace.com/headspace-meditation-app


Here are some books I also recommend:


https://www.amazon.com/Power-Positive-Thinking-Norman-Vincent/dp/0743234804


https://www.amazon.com/Way-Zen-Alan-W-Watts/dp/0375705104/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=the+way+of+zen&qid=1563019780&s=books&sr=1-2


This one is for once you clear your conscious and start to interact with others:


https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034/ref=sr_1_3?crid=22WVROTLAUEQU&keywords=how+to+win+friends+and+influence+people+by+dale+carnegie&qid=1563019812&s=books&sprefix=how+to+win%2Cstripbooks%2C189&sr=1-3



Hope it helps. It really depends on who you vibe with as a coach.

There is a free app called "ACT Coach" available on iOS and Android.


The Happiness Trap: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004XI12O8/


Your Life on Purpose: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004LLII08


Free Resources and videos: https://thehappinesstrap.com/free-resources/


I was able to get a lot out of the self-help stuff but after that working with a therapist helped me fine-tune things because they are able to ask good questions I didn't think of or give additional clarifying examples.


My local library had both books so you can probably get them for free that way then buy them if they're helpful

Yes - probably because many of us are 'maximizers' and 'scanners' that are simultaneously interested by many things (at least on a surface level) and terrified of committing to one thing that then shuts down other avenues that might be better.

This is probably why I'm going into consulting following my PhD :) I often envy people who seem to know exactly what they love doing, the type of people who say "I can't see myself doing anything else". But at the same time, the thought of doing only one thing for my whole life is depressing as well.

I sometimes feel like I would make really good use of immortality :)

I wish you the best in finding a solution!

But for most people, sleeping 6 hours a night will leave them sleepy at points during the day, especially when they aren't doing much and especially when they are at a time of day when their body isn't keeping them awake. Early afternoon is often a lull in alertness.

Many people will find that dramatically increasing the amount of sleep they get for a sustained period (not just a night or two) will help a great deal with daytime sleepiness.

I've done a number of degrees (not a doctor, but more years of formal education!) and in my first degree I was just like OP - crashing waves of sleepiness that led to me falling asleep in lectures, often for a few seconds, sometimes for minutes at a time. This led to more caffeine, which led to going to bed later. Combine that with six 9am lectures per week (yep, Saturday lectures) and I was sleep deprived and miserable. By the time I got to the final degree I'd worked my body out a lot better. I had given up caffeine and I prioritised sleep. In this period I didn't sleep once during lectures. Same person, same level of motivation, different amount of sleep.

Of course it won't work for everyone, but it's a very cheap thing to try before you start looking at other potential problems.

This book:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Promise-Sleep-Connection-Happiness/dp/0440509017

was fabulous in explaining the basics of sleep science and looking at how to understand my sleep patterns. It's a bit old now and there may be more recent research, but I think it's a great starter.

I'd recommend perusing the following books for inspiration on how applying social psych can be interesting:

Stumbling on Happiness

Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me)

*Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion

Like others have said, it's pretty hard to make social psych boring! (And I think it's awesome you get to teach it to high school students!)

Well said, I agree with everything you say.


It irritates me that they use it and that I too, would once upon a time pull out my phone as well. Like you say I try not to blame them for it or bug them about it, nor do I dwell on it. I accept it and try to work around it. I’ve been reading and listening to audiobooks about acceptance, compassion and forgiveness and it’s really made me appreciate others. I’ve grown fond of The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World. I’ve always been kind-hearted to others, but I really took this (audio) book to heart and it’s really helped.

I still mindlessly browse the web neglecting my end term paper, but I’ve slowly picked up the piano and some meditation and yoga (despite being shit at it). When it comes to socializing with others though they are given my full attention, I usually leave my phone on night mode and I’ll only hear the phone ringing or buzzing if a relative or close friends calls. Text messages and email is always silent, but I want to hear the phone ringing in case something has happened (like you I don’t have any social media).

Buddy, you need some proper and down to earth meditation training. In my experience, Mingyur Rinpoche's approach works best. I would recommend you to read this book first:
http://www.amazon.com/Joy-Living-Unlocking-Science-Happiness/dp/0307347311/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1419458543&sr=8-2&keywords=mingyur+rinpoche

That should be a good start. After you finish it, you will understand a lot of what goes on in your head. Ultimately, you will need to establish stable and serious daily meditation practice.

Thich Nhat Hanh is also a great source.

You need to get over your anxiety, and the only way you can do that is to embrace it. Get out of your comfort zone and face the fear head on. This way you will expand your comfort zone and you will learn to use fear to your advantage. This might sound scary but its the only way out and trust me, you dont want to live the rest of your life inside your comfort zone. That is no way of living.

This book and this book are quite helpful on the topic of getting over the fear of anything really. Dont get me wrong, just reading these two books wont help you get over your anxiety, you need to go out and apply it to your life.

This may not be the solution you want to hear, but its the only way out of an anxiety :) Good luck with it

Use the time to work on developing other useful hobbies - cooking is one, reading, other stuff that interests you.

You could also use the time to work on getting rid of the depression issues you have.

I would recommend this book to you

I would recommend meditation also. The free app headspace can be a good start, but you don't need to pay for the additional meditations beyond the learning phase if you don't want to.

I'd also recommend possibly trying out the supplement 5-HTP (assuming you aren't on anti-depressants), taking it just a couple of times a week & not everyday, and see if the increase in serotonin helps with your mood. You are supposed to stop taking it at the time you are having a medical procedure though, just FYI.

Reading that book (& practicing what it teaches), meditating daily, & periodically using 5-HTP helped me to make a lot of progress in dealing with less serious depression related issues.

I don't have a good treatment book to recommend. Sitting on my desk next to read is Why we Sleep by Matthew Walker. We overlapped in training and he is brilliant so I look forward to reading this. I enjoyed Dreamland by Randall as an easier to read lay book. Bill Dement is the father of sleep medicine and his last book, The Promise of Sleep, is a nice call to arms for better sleep, though it is almost 20 years old now. I'm a sleep researcher, not a clinician, so the books I'm reading are not really clinical guides, though they contain good information.

As for insomnia, it is best treated by behavioral interventions. The research clearly shows that sleep medicines are only good for acute insomnia (maybe you just had a surgery and the pain is keeping you up at night) and not chronic insomnia. One place to start looking for someone to help would be to check out the Society for Behavioral Sleep Medicine provider list. Most sleep disorders clinics should either have a psychologist on staff or a referral to one.

This is what they will basically have you do. First, you should only go to bed if you are sleepy. If you do not fall asleep within 15-20 minutes, you need to get out of bed, and do something boring under low lights. Do not get on the computer or watch TV, turn on a lamp and read a boring book until you are falling asleep. Then go to bed and if you are not asleep within 15-20 minutes, do it all over again. It may be that you stay awake all night or until 4am the first few times you do it. That is fine, it will actually help you. Do not take a nap, be dead tired because that will help you fall asleep normally after a few days. Also, you need a consistent wake time, no matter your job or school or whatever. Pick a time and wake up everyday (even weekends) at that time.

You also need to look up best practices for sleep hygiene. Most importantly, do not use your bed for anything other than sleep or sex. Do not read, watch TV, play on your tablet, etc. in bed. You want to train your body so that it knows when your head hits the pillow, it is sleep time not thinking or doing time. If you have problems with intrusive thoughts as you are trying to go to sleep, download a guided meditation or progressive muscle relaxation and listen to it while trying to go to sleep (if you are concentrating on the meditation, you can't think about all of the things you were supposed to do that day). Also make sure you can't see the time. You do not need to know what time it is in the middle of the night. Seeing that it is 3am and knowing you have to be at work at 7am causes anxiety which makes it harder to go to sleep.

Do the routine where you get up if you can't fall asleep within 15-20 minutes for week and see if that does not help. The information I gave you are two components of CBT treatment for insomnia (Stimulus control therapy and relaxation). Now going to a sleep disorders clinic can be good because they will rule out other possible causes of your sleep problem other than regular insomnia. You can also try something like melatonin. The clinical evidence really says that it is only good for circadian rhythm issues like jet lag (there is some limited evidence that it can help with insomnia), but many people swear by it and it will most likely not hurt anything. Once again, do not get on ambien, lunesta, etc. for long-term insomnia. They will make it worse.

As I said before, I am a sleep researcher, not a clinician. Everything I told you can be googled so please read up on behavioral treatments of insomnia.

As trite as it sounds, the true resolve is sculpted from within oneself.

Mindfulness meditation is a starting place.

All of you who are feeling a resonance with the original post, and the general idea that gaming isn't going to lead to fulfillment, you're onto something. I'm going to post a few links to books which I feel would be beneficial for those of you who have this same feeling. They helped me when I was down (and down I am again) and I hope they can do the same for some of you:

Mindfulness In Plain English

Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience

Learned Optimism

This isn't specifically geared towards high anxiety, but "Flow" by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (couldn't pronounce that if my life depended on it) is really good for putting yourself in a desirable and productive frame of mind. I like it because it approaches things very methodically and in a real-world manner, rather than the usual new age mumbo jumbo stuff that one usually finds in self-help books and the like.

http://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Mihaly-Csikszentmihalyi/dp/0060920432

On your specifications, not much. Happiness tends to increase as income increases until needs are met. Basically, having more money than being able to eat, pay bills and rent, have some recreation and be able to save a a few bills on the side for say, christmas or something, doesn't do much for

However, one of the fundamental tennets of Buddhism is mindfulness, and living in the present moment, which there is a lot of psychological research on as it relates to happiness. Read "flow" or some other book like it. Or go to a college library and read some studies for yourself.

Meditating, and being in the present moment have very suggestive correlations with happiness.

I bought this book recently. Haven't had a chance to read it yet but when I read the preview on Amazon it seemed like a worthwhile read. Maybe people on this sub would benefit from it. http://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Not-Giving-Spending/dp/0316270725

Have you thought about just forgiving someone because What Do You Care What Other People Think?

Consider yourself independent of EVERYBODY else's approval, and vice versa. The world might just be a better place from it.

I wouldn't want to contribute to the possibility that you will be somewhat paranoid, spiteful, or even just jaded about your brother. You sound pretty darn levelheaded, but I'm just asking you not to file the following comment into those negative buckets.

But these people don't sound like they are capable of appreciating anything you did, and may be just as likely to contrast it negatively with all their favorite premium garbage that they have been inexplicably gifted with. I would expect them to see its lack of designer label. I hope I'm somehow wrong, but in the big picture, it doesn't matter because you are right to cut them.

So yeah you can store the blanket for the time when your nephew (or someone else) is able to appreciate it, just as easily as they can.

This sucks so bad, but you did your best. Your response makes me think of this book which I just stumbled upon.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0316270725

You're welcome. My dad's a G.P. and he got copies of these for every one in my family. They are amazing.

Other good ones to look at are:

• Mind Over Mood: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1462520421/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1454011886&sr=8-1&pi=SL75_QL70&keywords=mind+over+mood
  
  
• Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1572244259/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1454011970&sr=8-1&pi=SL75_QL70&keywords=get+out+of+your+mind+and+into+your+life
  
  
• The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1572244992/ref=mp_s_a_1_10?qid=1454012036&sr=8-10&pi=SL75_QL70&keywords=act+therapy
  
  
• Full Catastrophe Living: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0345536932/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?qid=1454012108&sr=8-2&pi=SL75_QL70&keywords=jon+kabat+zinn
  
  
• The Mayo Clinic Handbook For Happiness: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0738217859/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1454012206&sr=8-1&pi=SL75_QL70&keywords=happiness+mayo+clinic
  
  
• Man's Search for Meaning: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/080701429X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1454012401&sr=8-1&pi=SL75_QL70&keywords=man%27s+search+for+meaning
  
  
• Awareness - The Perils and Opportunities of Reality: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0385249373/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1454012475&sr=8-1&pi=SL75_QL70&keywords=anthony+de+mello
  
  And for a refreshingly new approach:
  
  
• F*ck Feelings - One Shrink's Practical Advice for Managing All Life's Impossible Problems: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1476789991/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1454012259&sr=8-1&pi=SL75_QL70&keywords=fuck+your+feelings
  

I've now read it on OP's recommendation and think that this book is highly beneficial for anyone interested in this topic. Perhaps even a must read for anyone interested in this topic.

Here's the Amazon US link for people interested: https://www.amazon.com/Psychedelic-Psychotherapy-User-friendly-Guide-Drug-assisted/dp/0963009656

Yeah, sure thing. These were helpful for me. No doubt there are other, maybe even better resources out there.

• Skill books on overcoming addiction
  
  • Recovery (Russell Brand's unique AA-style approach applicable to everything)
    
  • This Naked Mind (on alcohol)
    
  • Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking (on tobacco)
    
  • These are willpower-free approaches, meaning they don't ask you to muscle through some tough initial period. They simply reorient your mind towards your desire for these things, so you never desire them again.
    
• Online tutorials for understanding your psychology
  
  • Self improvement/responsibility lectures (on motivation to move in the right direction)
    
  • Pleasure Trap and Cram Circuit dynamics (on willpower)
    
  • The Power of Habit - his book is on this is great (on habit formation)
    
• Other resources
  
  • The X-Effect - a subreddit that uses a 50 day method to eliminate your association with an activity
    
  • Nightly journaling - Writing down your experiences with your issue, how you felt, how you overcame it, why you succumbed to it, what you plan to do next time, etc. Articulating yourself on it over and over.

I'd suggest this book

It's a real study on happiness

Martin E. P. Seligman

Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment



https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743222989/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_8052Db1DAKMKV

You might appreciate this

Personally I find looking at it like a puzzle to solve is sometimes helpful. People do things, and you can't control them. You can try to influence, and some ways work better than others. At the end of the day, if things don't go your way, you still (probably) have a job, and you've learned something for next time. Why sweat it?

Ralph's "Theory of Fun for Game Design" is definitely a "must have" IMHO.

I would also recommend:

• Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's "Flow"
  
  Which augments:
  
  Jamie Griesemer's "30 Seconds of Fun" in Halo
  
  
• http://www.joystiq.com/2011/07/14/half-minute-halo-an-interview-with-jaime-griesemer/
  
  I haven't read these yet, but they are often recommended:
  
  
• The Art of Game Design: A book of lenses by Jesse Schell
  
• Rules of Play: Game Design Fundamentals by Katie Salen Tekinbas and Eric Zimmerman
  
  I've added a ton of links to the /r/gamedev wiki that you'll want to check out in the Design section
  

I'm reading this book right now: http://www.amazon.com/Adulting-Become-Grown-up-Easy-Steps/dp/1455516902

I've found it pretty inspiring, and the collection of advise is pretty universal. While most of it isn't directly related to your situation, I think it might help you find the mind to "grow up".

Also, maybe you could go to your supervisor and ask for advice. An employee coming up and saying "hey, I get the feeling I could be doing more around here but I genuinely am having a hard time finding things to do" stands out in a positive way. Don't be afraid to ask for more work if you find yourself idle.

it really depends on your genetics. many "symptoms" we experience are end results from cascading metabolic dysfunctions. for example if you're from southern italy there's a good chance you have an MTHFR mutation that diminishes your capacity to processes methyl folate (b9). in that case you'll want to eat lots of leafy greens but somebody from Germany probably doesn't have that mutation and won't need as much b9.

it's actually ridiculous that genetic testing isn't required before every doctor's visit but to be fair we're only in the inchoate "is it a good idea to wash your hands" stages of this field. if you'd like much more concise information than i can provide on reddit i recommend checking out dr. mark hyman's book on nutrition: http://www.amazon.com/The-UltraMind-Solution-Broken-Healing/dp/0743570480
he came down with severe chronic fatigue syndrome while running his hospital's ER and had to dive deep into the non-pharmaceutical side of medicine to cure himself. ultimately he did and devoted his life to the subject.

Programming professionally is not a fulltime job. You're often a developer. Development encompasses many things that aren't programming, and take up sometimes, more time than the programming itself. Things you do while developing that aren't programming include:

1. Write documentation
   
2. Review code of others
   
3. Write recommendations to your bosses
   
4. Use source control
   
5. Design User Interfaces (often with a lot of other people in long meetings)
   
6. Advocate for important changes at risk to your job
   
7. Write lots of tests
   
8. Write install scripts
   
9. Deal with programs like lint and other code checkers
   
10. And about a dozen other little things like this I forgot to mention.
    
    In short, in most jobs where you're ostensibly supposed to be doing programming, you're actually usually doing one of the above. You'll only be programming after all the rest of that stuff is done. Which can often lead to long hours, because many bosses pretend that other stuff takes no time at all when making schedules.
    
    All of that said, the actual programming is a very rewarding activity still. The book, Flow, actually shows that programming is one of the few activities where the state of timeless activity (which they call Flow) happens often.
    
    IRL, you have little decision what portions you do get to do, however if you're interested in a certain type of thing, and get experience in it, you can often get jobs where your chance of doing it more is likely.
    
    Book: http://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Mihaly-Csikszentmihalyi/dp/0060920432

Your question is intriguing because I often ask myself the same thing. I'm 24, graduated undergrad, and have a decent job, but I often find myself wondering what the hell I'm doing.

If you're truly searching for that one thing, it might take a while. You might not discover it when you're 23, or even 33. It has to be a passion, not just a job/trade. Therefore you must be fascinated by it and have a desire to do it -and improve your skills- whether money is involved or not.

But I feel that it's necessary to mention this: you can do multiple things with one life. If you're someone who has trouble sticking with something, I would highly suggest reading this book: Refuse to Choose.

It's a book for people who have a tough time figuring out their "thing," and the message is that you don't have to choose one thing. You can become good/great at multiple things. It's a great book.

Life is long. You seem to be doing ok right now, so don't rush into something just because you're desperate to find your calling. You might end up following the wrong voice.

I 100% understand the fear of saying you will not drink and then falling back into the same old cycles that we want to break free of. Maybe approaching it by saying something like, "I am trying my best to stay away from alcohol for the near future because (insert pertinent reason here)". That way it is not so definitive as, 'I am never drinking again.'

Honestly, how many of us here can actually say that we will never touch alcohol again? I do not know if I will NEVER again drink but, I know I am not going to drink TODAY. Sometimes, it is: I know I am going to avoid alcohol for the next hour or two...until I find something better to which I redirect my energy.

I recommend getting a copy of This Naked Mind. I and many others here have found it an incredibly helpful book. https://www.amazon.com/This-Naked-Mind-Discover-Happiness/dp/0525537236/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1517871205&sr=8-1&keywords=this+naked+mind

Keep us all posted! You have people from all over the world rooting for you!

{Edited for shit grammar}

You should read [this book](The Promise of Sleep: A Pioneer in Sleep Medicine Explores the Vita... http://www.amazon.com/dp/0440509017/ref=cm_sw_r_udp_awd_bPdZtb0Y1S4DN)

It really is among my favorite books and I think it may help you :)

Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert. Understanding the psychology of happiness is at once fascinating and useful. Also, check out his videos at ted.com.

There is an essential part of life and meaning that has been hidden from the modern Western life, especially for men.

In the past, life included tasks that allowed meditation and connection to life and the universe. Chopping wood, clearing land, building and fashioning useful implements with your hands. In the East, art and simple daily household chores were part of meditative life. Many of those things are now relegated to the poor, foreign factories and powered appliances.

I don't know the answer and a bunch of people will chime in and say go talk to someone, etc. but I think part of the answer is that small things, possibly tiny things are what gives life meaning and noticing and celebrating those are part of the key to changing the outlook.

There is stuff like this, it might make a connection:
http://www.amazon.com/Awareness-Opportunities-Reality-Anthony-Mello/dp/0385249373

I recommend reading The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World.

I'm an introvert too and didn't come out of my shell or have any girl contact until my 20s. I was timid and quiet and got friendzoned all the time. It gets better.

Desperation, negativity, and self-doubt are not attractive. Confidence, positivity, and self-respect are attractive. Work on yourself and the romance will start to appear.

Even years later, I still need reminders about those things. I've recently found this book helpful in feeling better about myself and feeling more attractive and confident https://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Attraction-Plan-Practical-Creating/dp/149045151X

My old roommate gave me Adulting, which has some tips that were super obvious (how to do dishes, how to pay bills, how to find car help, etc.), but also some that were like "how to tell your parents that you love them and you are not going to follow their advice this time." It's sooorta like a Guide to Being 23. Then again I am not a success story, as I've read the book many times and I have yet to escape my quarter-life crisis.

I'm actually currently reading a book on not giving a fuck what other people think as well as how to budget my fucks and measure fuck worth against Joy vs Annoy levels.

Pretty great so far. As someone who grew up fat, bullied, deceived and used it turns out I really needed it.

Great for people like me who spend their life trying to make everyone else other than themselves happy.

lineage texts and technically none of them are holy since zen masters reject that stuff. first guy on the list, bodhidharma, told the emperor of china that his buddhist temples had no merit and the ultimate way is 'vast emptiness and nothing holy'

i also just started reading awareness by anthony de mello, really good so far. plenty of parts i disagree with but definitely saucy enough for me to recommend. i've got a dead tree edition in my shopping cart rn, it's that good. but there's a pdf online

I know it's a bit counterintuitive suggesting books for social skills (the solution is ultimately in doing rather than knowing),
but these books are accessible, credible, and practical - each one has exercises to practice and master: Charisma Myth
and Search Inside Yourself both helped me understand myself and how to relate to others. Hope they help you.

I wish there was good, easy to link advice to give the thousands of men on /r/deadbedrooms besides red pill stuff.

There is red pill "light" in the form of

• No More Mr. Nice Guy
  
• Married Man Sex Life Primer
  
• Mindful Attraction Plan
  
  These are very watered down but already labeled as "abusive".
  
  And of course there is PUA stuff for what it's worth. Much tamer than red pill but already carrying a stigma in the mainstream.

For the how do you join one, I've always have this thing I do when my friend are talking and I'll walk up, say hi and then ask what did i missed?

Where as meeting strangers or new people I always treat groups event like reddit, just walk up to anyone and say hi stay for a small talk and see if it clicks, and go from there, it might be hard as first but once you get the hang of it you will be good. I initially try it after reading "Rejection Proof" by Jia Jiang and this book helped out pretty much, he also setup a blog on all his attempt to get people reject him which got me started.

Mindset, and the ability to stick with things, matters more than the path you choose. How to get the right mindset? Read or listen to things that help you attain the mindset you need to conquer your obstacles. It's like hanging around with ultra-successful people who are mentoring you every day. Here are some good things to read or listen to:

• The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday
  
  
• Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (free online, or pay for the Hays Translation which is supposedly better)
  
  
• The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris
  
  A TL;DR of the mindset you're going for: There are some things you can control and some you can't. For the things you can't control, don't worry about them! For the things you can control, be like a blazing fire that consumes anything that stands in its way. If you have even an ounce of control over something, master yourself and push will all your might against the obstacle.

Please read this book! It's improved my life tremendously and it could help you just as much! <3

• The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316270725/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_Q9Urzb50QNRXP

Just in case you need a few more doges to get more people to sign-up and complete the form:

+/u/dogetipbot 200 doge verify

All the very best for your degree project. And hope you have read the following as they talk about the same topic:

1. Drive
   
   
2. Flow
   
   
3. Mastery
   

So you have a key insight here that you can test out. Focus on getting quality sleep for the next thirty days, and test the results. Nick Littlehales is a good writer on this subject: https://www.sportsleepcoach.com/, and this is my favorite book on the topic: https://www.amazon.com/Promise-Sleep-Medicine-Connection-Happiness/dp/0440509017.

But basically, keep a dark, quiet and cool place to sleep in - avoid drinking liquids and alcohol in particular right before bed. You have a sleep DEBT you'll have to pay off with consistent sleep for a while. Good luck!

Check this out man. I think it will help you put yourself in a position to succeed. You don't have to be an invincible superhero with perfect willpower. Put yourself in a position to succeed and that tank will become something a lot less intimidating. And then you can do what you need to do. In concrete terms, my invitation is to study nutrition, and make sure you are eating as well as you can in this difficult time.
In my limited experience though, this book is awesome. It's a long read, but incredibly fascinating and elucidating. Alternatively you could check out Mark Hyman's (the author) videos on Youtube. You asked for a weapon, and this is a weapon. Not motivation or sympathy. I think it can help you out
http://www.amazon.com/The-UltraMind-Solution-Broken-Healing/dp/0743570480.
I know the subtitle says ('the way to beat depression, anxiety, etc.). I think that's misleading. Everyone needs to know this stuff, and it can help everyone. Even if you don't identify with those labels

Hey,

​

Welcome! You have come to the right place. You are not alone. Read "This Nake Mind" by Annie Grace. It will set you free.

https://www.amazon.com/This-Naked-Mind-Discover-Happiness/dp/0525537236/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1556289466&sr=8-1

​

Audioable has free trial promo. Sign up and start listening to the book now! Will change your life.

https://www.audible.com/

​

You got this. It's not you. Alcohol is ADDICTIVE period but you have to change your beliefs around this popular drug.

I'd recommend (just off the top of my head):

• The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happiness by Mingyur Rinpoche
  
  
• The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler
  
  Most of Thich Naht Hanh's books go into this in one way or another too. Basically if you read a book by any Buddhist teacher they'll go into this at least a little bit.

Perhaps you would be interested in the book Adulting by Kelly Williams Brown? (Admittedly I haven't had a chance to read it yet, she also has a blog http://adultingblog.com/)

http://www.amazon.com/Adulting-Become-Grown-up-Easy-Steps/dp/1455516902/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1453137916&sr=8-1&keywords=adulting

Also, I think if you can imagine it, your subconscious can find a way to do it. If you can picture yourself as looking and feeling more competent I'm sure it will happen.

AHWOSG is a great book. Read it last winter.

Also check out Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and Awareness. Two favorite reads of mine.

I think as far as decoration inspiration goes, Pinterest can be helpful as to generate some jumping off points.

I'm reading Adulting, by Kelly Williams Brown and in the section on your living space/moving/decorating, she suggests looking to ones own closet for inspiration. It might not be the be-all-end-all or anything, however chances are it will provide a direction. Is your wardrobe entirely monochrome? Start in that direction. Is your wardrobe filled with blues? Maybe that's a good place to start.

Personally, I don't consider room decoration to be under the "fashion" subtitle, but I do think it belongs under the "personal expression" subtitle, which is sort of parallel to fashion as they are both under that umbrella. My apartment in the past has really reflected who I am but it depends how much time I expect to spend in a space [the longer I intend to stay, the more I will personalize it].

Hey, I am in the process of reading that book. It's a hard read but a good book. I'd recommend Stumbling on Happiness also. That book lead me to Beckers book actually.

I'm in the same boat, trying to quit porn and alcohol at the same time. I find Annie Grace's book 'This naked mind' super helpful with the alcohol side:

https://www.amazon.com/This-Naked-Mind-Discover-Happiness/dp/0525537236

TIL : Providing resources to better understand the game is useless.

Welp, have fun in bronze. From your attitude I can tell without a doubt you 100% deserve to be there.

Instead of using those LoL rescources I highly suggest checking out this because it's 100% where you need to start.

I don’t want to be a negative nelly, but I'm a bit skeptical to claims like this. From what i learned in introductory medicine – sleep needs to be one continuous processes for all the chemistry not to get fucked up. For instance, Growth hormone takes a while to start releasing once you start sleeping, and if you don’t sleep for many hours you are not going to get the hormonal induced regrowth og body.


That's not even touching on the topic of REM sleep, winch we are putty sure is needed for memory, creativity and integration of experience. REM sleep doesn’t really ramp up until very late in a 8 hours sleep cycle. And the claim that lack of long, continuous, sleep cycles are detrimental to mental acuity are confirmed by many studies.


The overall impression I have from reading about sleep is as following: Sleep is a carefully orchestrated sequence of MANY processes that needs to unfold in a particular pattern for everything to be done correctly. There are many studies that find ANY kind of interruption to a normal daily sleep-cycle to be detrimental.


That said, I wouldn’t be surprised if something come along and overturned all of this, that is the nature of science. But given the amount of evidence for the opposite, I'm gonna stand back and wait for more evidence before i change my mind. For instance, one study that says evolution doesn’t exists wont convince me, but a 1000 such studies would.


My claims can be are based on the following books:
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/why-zebras-dont-get-ulcers-robert-m-sapolsky/1100623124
http://www.amazon.com/Promise-Sleep-Medicine-Connection-Happiness/dp/0440509017


TL;DR: This studies is contrary to alot of studies that show we need the whole uninterrupted night of sleep, or suffer the consequences of reduced cognitive ability. I'm still open to new finding, but one completely out-of-sync-with-the-rest studies is suspicious. Cool if true tho.

Yet it has also been shown that when you think back on your life you will remember them bringing you all of those things.

Actually read the Daniel Gilbert book this article mentions. That book does a far better job of explaining this issue than does the article. Essentially we believe children will bring us happiness because those who believed that had more children, and transmitted those ideas to us.

hey! Don't worry, most people go through this. If you're a reading person this book may be an excellent tool to help you out:

http://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Mihaly-Csikszentmihalyi/dp/0060920432

It won't tell you how to be happy but it will explain the concepts behind it!

The Ultramind Solution by M.D. Mark Hyman

AMAZING, changed my life in profound ways and never seen something like this.

https://www.amazon.com/UltraMind-Solution-Broken-Brain-Healing/dp/0743570480

I'm currently trying to learn this via the book Search Inside Yourself. It's pretty good so far!

> That's... That's not how brains work...

No, really. It's a hard choice, but it's a choice. Recommended reading include:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man%27s_Search_for_Meaning

Wherein this Holocaust survivor lays out exactly that, and encourages us to come to terms with our feelings about whatever situation we found ourselves in and take ownership of it. You can say he's wrong, but it's still a much more proactive and less whiny way to go about life.

And this:

https://www.amazon.com/Awareness-Opportunities-Reality-Anthony-Mello/dp/0385249373

Wherein a half Catholic priest, half Buddhist monk encourages us to understand that feelings we experience aren't necessarily "us", they're just moods that are washing over our ego, and something to be observed just like anything. "Oh, my wrist is sore today" and "Oh, my pysche is feeling blah today". It's not you and the faster you internalize that, the more content and less stressed out you'll be in life.

Doing mediation from 14 years but i don't think i can guide you much.

I do this many times- http://thelazyyogi.com/meditation read this blog it's a nice blog.

Mindfulness in Plain English is good start.

See the work of Alan Watts in youtube.

http://www.amazon.in/Search-Inside-Yourself-Unexpected-Achieving-ebook/dp/B0070XF474/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396501654&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=chad+meng+tan

It's gonna hard, it's gonna confusing and frustrating. But please understand that there is no right method or wrong method. A method which suits me might not suite you, so tou gotta search.

Whatever you choose, do it for at-least a week before discarding it.

I wish you all the best.

Edit: I am more of a Buddhist leaning kind of guy.

This phenomena is called "flow" in psychology.

There is a fascinating book on it called Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience

http://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Mihaly-Csikszentmihalyi/dp/0060920432

Thank you Easter Bunny!

Used book is good book!

My best weight loss was when I wasn’t drinking. I am indulging now and weight loss is very stagnant. Been stuck around 202-205 for some time now. When I wasn’t drinking I read this book that talks to your subconscious. It was very interesting and I would highly encourage you to read it if you plan to give up alcohol.


https://www.amazon.com/This-Naked-Mind-Discover-Happiness/dp/0525537236

book that explains the concept JP is talking about here:


https://www.amazon.com/Power-Positive-Thinking-Norman-Vincent/dp/0743234804/ref=nodl_

I’ve seen a 20 page summary version before, can’t find it.

You can probably find a free pdf online,

Did you know Amazon will donate a portion of every purchase if you shop by going to smile.amazon.com instead? Over $50,000,000 has been raised for charity - all you need to do is change the URL!

Here are your smile-ified links:

Authentic Happiness

Stumbling On Happiness

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^^i'm ^^a ^^friendly bot

It might not be the food, but certain habits that are affecting your sleep.

I totally recommed this book called

The Promise of Sleep by William C. Dennet.

https://www.amazon.com/Promise-Sleep-Medicine-Connection-Happiness/dp/0440509017/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=the+promise+of+sleep&qid=1554076877&s=gateway&sr=8-1

I struggled with fixing my sleep routine for years. This book taught me why and how i could fix it.

The drowsiness midday is natural and happens to all humans. It has to do with the circadian rhythm.

Well, thats basically what i try to ask everyone as well. At least after 28 yrs i realized that noone will be better than answering this question than myself, even if i suck at it ... maybe i can recommend you this one though, if you didnt read about it yet:

https://www.amazon.com/Refuse-Choose-Interests-Passions-Hobbies/dp/1594866260/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1521511569&sr=1-3&keywords=barbara+sher

OMGGGG I knoowwww. I'm 6DPO and feeling like I've been waiting since 'Nam.

I like your reading choices, though. I'm about to crack open "The Book of Joy."

Psychedelic therapy

The "Why" Book: Pollan's How to Change Your Mind

The "What" Book: MAPS's A Manual for MDMA-Assisted Psychotherapy in the Treatment of PTSD (alternatives would be this treatment protocol from Phase 2 MDMA trials and Grof's LSD Psychotherapy)

The "How" Book: R. Coleman's Psychedelic Psychotherapy: A User-friendly Guide for Psychedelic Drug-assisted Psychotherapy (the runner up would be Fadiman's The Psychedelic Explorer's Guide)

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X-posted from this post on the EA forum: Cash prizes for the best arguments against psychedelics being an EA cause area

This book is a life saver(I used the audiobook off audible). Literally changes how you view drinking. No 12 steps. No bs. Just logic.

This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0525537236/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_83tHAbXE7SZFD

Well, one of his books is titled What Do You Care What Other People Think?.

Enough said.

I would do your research on getting hormone replacement therapy, many doctors are very quick to follow protocol that has been designed by major drug companies so a lot of them are quick to push quick fixes like this as well as other medications.

3 Common factors of low testosterone in males from a natural standpoint are:

1. High Sugar/Carbohydrate Diet
   
2. Low Amount of Exercise
   
3. Lack of optimal amounts of nutrients/minerals/enzymes/macro nutrients
   
   Start taking baby steps to cut out any refined sugars from your diet. From there, try to get most of your carbohydrates from vegetables and eventually even limit things like fruit. This also means cutting back drastically on alcohol (like a couple times a month have a couple drinks)
   
   Go for short duration but intense exercise.
   
   Give your diet a complete makeover, taking baby steps to get there.
   
   Dr. Mark Hyman "The UltraMind Solution"
   http://www.amazon.com/The-UltraMind-Solution-Broken-Healing/dp/0743570480
   
   Stephen Harrod Buhner "The Testosterone Plan"
   http://www.amazon.com/Natural-Testosterone-Plan-Sexual-Health/dp/1594771685/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1410570863&sr=1-2&keywords=the+testosterone+plan
   
   Read this too:
   http://www.dynamicchiropractic.com/mpacms/dc/article.php?id=56899
   

Reminded me of a great book

I followed the instructions outlined in The UltraMind Solution. That system is geared towards creating a diet and lifestyle for optimum cognition. That book can inform you much better than I ever could. That is the system I use.

Reminds me of Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's research as presented in his awesome book Flow.

This is pretty much what current psychology research says and teaches with acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT).

It doesn't mean the "positive thinking" crap, which never works, as you can't control your feelings.

But it means to neutralize (NGAF) destructive and unproductive thoughts.

The standard ACT book is probably the happiness trap

It is common use in english at this point, not much use correcting it because its already been accepted and popularized within the 20-30 crowd.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnbeckett/2016/01/adulting-is-an-indictment-of-society-not-of-millennials.html

http://www.amazon.com/Adulting-Become-Grown-up-Easy-Steps/dp/1455516902

You sound like a Scanner. Which isn’t bad. I’m definitely one (a hardcore Sybil).

https://www.amazon.com/Refuse-Choose-Interests-Passions-Hobbies/dp/1594866260/ref=nodl_#mediaMatrix_secondary_view_div_1551363837292

It’s a fun read.

I'm the same way. I'd like to recommend two things...

1. Read this book
   
   
2. Check out this website

Yeah, you're getting a rush out of it. I used to debate with people back in the day but I realized one day it was a waste of time.

Here is a good / funny guide to go though when you're about to do something.

http://www.smh.com.au/cqstatic/gmim1c/FckFlowchart.jpg

You have to read the book The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fck to understand the fck budget (or just google it)

https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Not-Giving-Spending/dp/0316270725

I'd strongly recommend a book called "The UltraMind solutions" to you.

All in all, eat organic if you can afford it, lots of greens, vegetables. Nothing processed. Whole foods etc

I lost my 7 month old puppy in a horrible accident last month. I was a wreck for days and, to some degree, still am.

The thing that brought me the most comfort was knowing she wasn’t in pain anymore and that it was just the living, my boyfriend and I, who were suffering and going to miss her. Also, that if we’re lucky, our dogs always die before we do and that’s an incredible gift we give them - that they don’t need to live in a world without us, but that we need to learn to live without them.

I started reading The Book of Joy as well. It explore how we can lead a joyful life when there’s so much pain in our lives and in the world. It has help given me some good life perspective in the most difficult experience of my life.

Please know I see and feel your pain. You’re not alone.

Have you read this book?

http://www.amazon.com/Stumbling-Happiness-Daniel-Gilbert/dp/1400042666

Very interesting discussion on the attempt to measure emotional state, and compare it between individuals.

William Dement has a very readable book that is neither dumbed-down nor fluff; "The Promise of Sleep". It is frankly out of date, and contains some controversial and speculative bits, but it is much better than a lot of the things I've seen in recent askscience comments.

Dan Gilbert's Stumbling on Happiness. I recommend this book to everyone I know. It has changed me for the better in so many ways.

It's cliche but, Michael Pollans In Defense of Food.

Lastly, Janet Fitch White Oleander.

For book lovers out there, I also suggest his book

(you may also find these books useful:

I Could Do Anything If Only I Knew What It Was by Barbara Sher

and

Refuse to Choose, also by Barbara Sher )

Hmmm. I don't remember that. Maybe it's from another of his books, "What Do You Care What Other People Think?" I just bought that one and haven't read it yet.

I have found the methods outlayed in this book to be very effective in dealing with the anxiety that obsessive thoughts cause.

Essentially the method is that you use mindfulness (simply being aware of yourself) techniques to allow thoughts that come to mind to float away. The author likens them to allowing the monsters to stay at your house, but they are not allowed to eat.

Anyways, its worth a look and it helped me. You can buy it or torrent it, whatever.

Link: https://www.amazon.com/Search-Inside-Yourself-Unexpected-Achieving-ebook/dp/B0070XF474/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1510967059&sr=8-1&keywords=chade+meng+tan

awareness has changed my perspective in life. It's a nice light read that i've read several times over the past few weeks.

Have read this? Try reading this it might help yiu get over the hump. It helped me. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0525537236/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_s2MVAb4AXQGS1

Theres a book about it and a healthy brain diet called https://www.amazon.com/UltraMind-Solution-Broken-Brain-Healing/dp/0743570480

Read these books (advice I wish I'd had when I was younger):

​

https://www.amazon.com/Renaissance-Soul-Design-People-Passions/dp/0767920880

​

https://www.amazon.com/Refuse-Choose-Interests-Passions-Hobbies/dp/1594866260

​

https://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Everything-Guide-Those/dp/0062566660

before joining a monastery or fully engaging in your ego..maybe try something a bit less extreme

here's a suggestion that worked wonders for me:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0307347311/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1505188954&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=the+joy+of+living&dpPl=1&dpID=51evqA9F5yL&ref=plSrch

The Promise of Sleep by William Dement

http://www.amazon.com/Promise-Sleep-Medicine-Connection-Happiness/dp/0440509017/ref=sr_1_9?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1373223701&sr=1-9&keywords=sleep

Sorry if this is too old a post to care about.

The book [Adulting] (https://www.amazon.com/Adulting-Become-Grown-up-Easy-Steps/dp/1455516902) has some good concepts in it even though its not directed at people who've gone through troubling times.

A book I found on this, that helped me a bit. It's draining giving a fuck about everything, save them for the things that do matter.

I think 2g once a week doesn't leave much time to reintegrate and recuperate. You're probably building some level of tolerance and you're concern that you can't be sure what that sort of repeated exposure to psychedelic doses will do long term isn't misplaced (honestly, there's no research or repeated microdoses either). When i went on a full on trip on ~4-5g, it took me a week or two to integrate the experience, but the the effects seem to have stuck. Didn't feel the need to trip again for 8 months or so. I think you should consider reading the following book and going for a nice introspective journey with the intent of really addressing the issues you have with your personality. https://www.amazon.com/Psychedelic-Psychotherapy-User-friendly-Guide-Drug-assisted/dp/0963009656

It might be worth your time to read Flow.

Here's the Amazon link for anyone who needs it. :)

My major reddit participation is deadbedrooms. Some dude came over to my sub to post about how his wife was violently gang raped as a child and won't allow anal sex and how anal is the ultimate symbol of love and trust. He was downvoted into oblivion, my sub gave him a piece of our mind and deleted his post and then reposted to R/sex and r/marriedredpill. I followed him and doled out my votes and yes I made a comment saying I think he is not trolling, but actually as fucked up as he seems.

Yes, I read about all sorts of things that I find interesting and anything that I think will help my marriage, including books by Helen Fisher, books from support groups, books about bad relationships, and self-helpy red-pilly books

One can engage with philosophies while remaining critical and of ones own thoughts. Or at least I can. I'm comfortable learning about things I disagree with. However, my participation in that sub was motivated by my dislike and revulsion for a poster whom even the redpill had mostly disgust.

Relevant

I think this might be it...

http://www.amazon.com/The-Life-Changing-Magic-Not-Giving/dp/0316270725

Read this book.
Seriously.

https://www.amazon.ca/Life-Changing-Magic-Not-Giving-Spending/dp/0316270725

And the .co.uk link