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Reddit reviews on The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Sentiment score: 99
Reddit mentions: 117

We found 117 Reddit mentions of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Here are the top ones.

The 5 Love Languages The Secret to Love That Lasts

Found 117 comments on The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts:

u/LaTuFu · 473 pointsr/AskMen

Here are a few books I would highly recommend for men (and women as well):

  • Wild at Heart by John Etheredge. For Men. The companion book for Women is Captivating. These are Christian books, discussing God's design for men and women. Even if you are not a Christian and have no desire to be, I think you may find some of the discussion very revealing or at the very least intriguing. These are not so much good "learn to communicate" books, as they are "understanding who I really am on a basic level" books.

  • Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Another Christian Book, this one on the biblical view of marriage. Again, if you're not a Christian, I still recommend it as a resource for marriage. There are some fundamental principles of marriage that transcend religion that can benefit both spouses. For men and women.

  • Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie. This book is required reading if you or your partner grew up in a household with an addict (parent or sibling), an abusive parent, or single parent/divorced home with high conflict. It is not faith based, for men and women.

  • The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This is a great book that breaks down how we're all different, and we get our needs in a relationship satisfied in different ways. Understanding what your partner needs is fundamental to having a healthy relationship.

  • The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. This is another great resource for understanding effective communication within an intimate relationship, whether you are male or female.

    After that, if you have more specific issues in your story, like childhood trauma, there are more specific routes to go down. I also strongly encourage enlisting the aid of a counselor, therapist, and/or pastoral counselor if you or your partner are struggling with childhood baggage.

u/Shojo_Tombo · 65 pointsr/AmItheAsshole

It sounds like you and your wife both use acts of service to say 'I love you', which can translate into unintentionally parenting behavior (especially when you have (three!) babies in the house. You both should read The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts to better understand the way you each communicate with each other.

You may also find it helpful if you consider that she's not mothering you out of pity or the belief that you are incapable of adulting. Like someone already said, it's incredibly difficult to turn off 'parent mode', especially if taking care is her love language. When you get frustrated, remember that it's the two of you against the problem, not you against her.

In my experience, it really makes a difference to be clear about how you are feeling in situations like this instead of focusing on the other person's actions. You might want to take a breath and gently say, "I'm frustrated right now because I want to pull my share of the weight, and I feel like you are taking on too much. I love you and appreciate how much you do. Please let me do this so we can divvy up the work more evenly." This shifts the focus to how you feel about the situation instead of placing blame/attacking the other person (not your intent but she may have felt that way), reminds her that you are a team, and that you love her which is always nice to hear.

u/jeffsang · 38 pointsr/AmItheAsshole

NAH - You're clearly not the asshole. However, rather than calling your husband the asshole, I think this may just be mismatched expectations and ways of expressing yourselves. Specifically, check out the concept of the 5 Love Languages (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X). You don't need to buy the book, as there are articles out there that explain it well enough. The 5 are words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, and quality time. Considering the amount of effort you put into gifts/party for him, it might be because gifts/acts of service are important ways you show him love, so when they're not returned in that way, you're hurt. He might be showing you love in other ways that are more important to him.

u/poundt0wn · 30 pointsr/fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu

In case people don't know what you are talking about

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

It's an interesting read, my wife and I read it before we got married.

u/iliketoridebicycles · 21 pointsr/weddingplanning

My FH and I are not religious; here's what we've tried and found in our 1.5 years together:

  • The 5 Love Languages: It can be at times a bit Christian-centric and sometimes brings up more "traditional" gender roles, but the overall concepts were helpful for us.

  • Intellectual Foreplay: We went through a TON of these questions in our first few months of dating and it really helped us to get those big questions out of the way in the guise of "getting to know each other".

  • I created an extensive list of lists of questions we could ask each other. We'd make it fun by picking random numbers (without looking at the questions first) and taking turns reading the questions. So he'd choose question 4, I'd read it to him, and then he'd answer and then I'd answer. And then we switched. We did maybe 5–10 questions at a time.

  • The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: This one seems most helpful now that we're engaged. We borrowed the audiobook via our local library and have been listening to it in the car. FH really likes it!

    The Gottman Institute, which is by the guy who authored that last book, offers (kind of expensive) weekend workshops around the country, and it also sells an at-home DIY "workshop" for $175 USD. If we have time and extra money, we might try the at-home kit but for now the book is working well for us!

    edit: There's also a program called Prepare Enrich, which is an assessment you both take and then you meet with a facilitator (secular or religious, your choice) in your area to go over your results. The program also offers a DIY version called the Couple Checkup, which they call a "lighter version of the assessment". We haven't really explored these options yet because the Prepare Enrich facilitator we reached out to isn't taking any new clients at this time and my local library had both a physical copy and audiobook copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
u/IANAPUA_Yet · 21 pointsr/sex

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

OP, your local library definitely has a few copies. It's worth reading.

u/LilBadApple · 19 pointsr/AskWomenOver30

I want to mention that while this was a great self observation on u/Cejarrood's part (and kudos to you for asking how you can make your partner feel loved, although it does seem to be potentially solely within the context of getting sex), what is true for her is not necessarily true for your girlfriend. You girlfriend may be less interested in sex than you because she's not feeling loved, or she could have hormonal sex drive dip because of menopause, or be stressed about work, or have a chronic headache, or have had a dream where you killed her brother the night before, or any number of countless reasons. I think it's great to get other women's perspectives but you really need to talk to your girlfriend about her experience, it will save you a lot of time. And if she does say something like she loves sex when she feels loved, relaxed and happy, then ask *her* what are things you can do that make her feel that way. Again, it could be a solo bubble bath and time away from the kids for one person, and for another it's a family outing, and for another it's an intimate cuddle on the couch with you.

Here is a good resource on love languages: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

u/stefani13 · 19 pointsr/AskWomen

There is a book called the five love languages. It talks about the five main ways people feel loved. What makes you feel loved may not make your significant other feel loved. For example, if receiving a gift from your S.O. makes you feel most loved, you may feel like giving your S.O. a gift makes him/her feel loved as well, but that may not be important to them. Maybe their love language is physical touch, and therefore sex, or backrubs, or hand holding makes them feel most loved.

TLDR: It's a book that discusses different ways people feel loved. Not a bad read IMO.

u/PokeManiacRisa · 18 pointsr/Christianity

My husband and I have been together about 9 years, married for 3 years. I find myself more and more attracted to him as time goes on. I love walking through life and all of it's changes with him. I love seeing him grow in his faith, his work, his other relationships with family and friends. And now, with our first baby (a boy!) on the way, I am only growing more in love with him by the day! I can't wait to give birth to our new little addition to the family and see him become the great dad I know he will be.

I guess spark-wise, we make time to "date" and spend quality time together. Intimacy is a priority in our marriage. That doesn't always mean it leads to sex, but sex is often a fundamental part of marriage. We try our best to communicate well. We talk often. When we eat dinner together, phones and any other technology is put away so we can focus on each other.

We know each other's love languages. If you haven't read the book, I recommend it!

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1481727850&sr=8-1&keywords=The+Five+Love+Languages

u/dreamgal042 · 15 pointsr/relationship_advice

Maybe you should check out the five love languages.

The crux is that everyone gives love and everyone receives love best in one of five ways: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch

It's possible you receive love with Words of Affirmation, and he gives his love in a different way. Does he buy you things? Spend time with you?

I have this with my dad, because he's a gifts guy generally, and I'm a quality time or words of affirmation person. It took a while to realize he loves me, but he shows it differently than I expect.

u/betona · 14 pointsr/Marriage

Grandpa here, and I've been down this path. Like the time I bought her that white sweater.... it got returned. I also think back to my dad telling me how individualized cars are, and how it was a big epiphany to him when he realized that it was important for mom to have the car she wanted and not so much what he thought she needed. He and I were both engineers so our brain always wants to go to "let me calculate the solution you need" and people don't work that way.

Let me try to pass along some older guy wisdom, so walk with me here:

Your 'best efforts' as you phrase it were to give her gifts that were what you wanted her to have; not so much what she wanted to have. As an artist, your creations are always about you and your concept of whatever it is. Even if it's meant for someone else, dragon colors and everything. It's still very much your expression. To you, this is a very meaningful thing from you and I think that you want them to be a surprise.

But human psychology doesn't work that way. We all have very individualized ways of how we want to feel loved. That's the main point from the very popular book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. An issue is that lots of people lavish onto their spouse the treatment that they want, not realizing that it's not at all what the spouse wants and their attempts to make them feel love don't work at all. Unfortunately, it's super common.

Now this is where it seems like takes some real jedi mind reading skills and it ain't always easy. You're trying to completely remove the thinking of what you want and slide into their mind and think of what they want. With practice you can get really good at it over a lifetime. To be honest, it's a lot better to forget with the surprises and flat out ask what they want, gather the details and literally write it down. No joke.

u/Gabriel_Aurelius · 12 pointsr/Christianmarriage

> he doesn't ever offer to cook

> He doesn't buy me flowers, light candles or organise dates for us

You sound like an acts of service kind of woman. Go read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, figure out what your husband is, then start loving on him in his languages. He should naturally reciprocate. Try it for like one month and see if it works.

FYI: People typically have a primary and a secondary language. Use both of his (and get to know yours).

u/Celt1977 · 11 pointsr/Alt_Hapa

See for me and my wife we agreed that divorce was never an option while the kids were home. And because of that we worked through some real hard shit (massive post partum depression) which we might not have otherwise got over.

My advice is this: Love is not just an emotion, it's a verb. You choose to love through actions and choices. I'm 14 years into marriage and we've had "good times and bad" but through it all we get stronger.

If any of you are pups entering into marriage I would recommend you and your partner read this book. It helped my wife and I immensely.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

The tl;dr of it is this: We all show and accept love in different ways. If you show love in a way differently than your partner receives it, you can both be left felling unloved. So make an effort to show your partner love in their way, even if it's not your goto.

example: My wife feels love through verbal encouragement. I was raised to leave things unsaid. But now I tend to be sure to make a choice to verbalize things I would not have done, just because it helps her feel loved.

I feel love through acts of service, that's why I'm always working hard to serve my family. My wife's not naturally wired that way so a few times a week she goes out of her way to do a little thing that helps me feel loved. (She pressed my shirts for work this weekend while I was out with the kids, usually that's my job).

u/BruceIsLoose · 10 pointsr/Christianity

Just off the top of my head:

  • Children. What are your plans for your children? Are you the same denomination? If not, which will you raise your children in? How many do you want? Are either of you Catholic and lean towards N.F.P or are you okay with birth control?

  • Finances. How much do you spend? What are your long term financial goals? Do you want to travel? Do you want to help your future children out with college? Do either of you want to be the stay-at-home parent for your children while the other works? What debts do you two have individually? How do you plan to pay them off?

  • Sex. Likes? Dislikes? Hard limits? Level of kink? Good at communicating and being open to your partners desires without them feeling self-conscious? Frequency? General compatibility?

    Also...go buy The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
u/goppeldanger · 9 pointsr/financialindependence

Link to the book for those interested: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

edit: free quiz, from author, to learn your 'language' http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ . Book prob available at your local library.

u/theleifless · 8 pointsr/wow

Life is all about balance. As someone who has been through some of the same stuff, I'd suggest being open minded to addressing other areas of your relationship. When I neglected my wifes emotional needs, she blamed it on video games because thats when she felt the most alone. I know it is upsetting, but shes just telling you she wants to spend time with you. I linked an article, but the biggest thing I took from it was that divorced men had wished they went to bed with their spouses more. I make an attempt to lay down with my wife when shes ready for bed, and then get up about an hour after. Its a good opportunity to connect, read a book, talk about life. Lastly, for years I never understood how I could be in the same room with my wife and she could say things like she wanted to spend time with me. I'd recommend checking out the book I linked. Its tough sometimes to swallow our pride and read a book about relationships and shit, but I can tell you it has been 100% effective in my relationship.


https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/divorced-men-marriage-regrets_us_5b916885e4b0511db3e046de
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

u/rbegirliegirl · 7 pointsr/financialindependence

> It's my love language, as stupid as that is.

I don't think that's stupid at all. That book is one of my favorites of all time. I've found it super useful in many of my relationships. (And as an aside, because I'm not really sure what my son's language is, I try to make sure I'm hitting them all!)

u/napjerks · 7 pointsr/Anger

New rule: No more physical touch when you're angry. Go for a walk or just leave and cool off. Physical touch is only for showing affection.

You're right, the relationship does go both ways. She can say or do things that are provoking. But you have to remove the violence entirely.

Have a talk about you both protecting your sleep. Sleep helps with anger, anxiety, depression, everything. So share with her that getting sleep is extremely important for you and ask for her help creating a calming atmosphere when it's bedtime.

There's a book called the 5 Love Languages. It's about recognizing and learning what your partner feels is showing them love. This book talks about healthy ways.

But it can also be unhealthy. For example your partner provoked jealousy talking about texting someone else. Jealousy is obviously a huge potential trigger for anger. That's the kind of trigger that can make you go from 0 to 100 very quickly, instantly even. That's extremely bad communication for someone who is prone to anger. So your anger is justified. But you want to manage your response and not use physical touch. Instead of being violent, communicate and talk to her. Set boundaries that help set the terms of your relationship. You can ask important questions like, "If you're not committed to me, why are we even in a relationship?" You can use the format, "When you say , it makes me feel ." "When you talk about texting someone else, it makes me feel you don't love me. Do you love me?" A relationship based on jealousy isn't a healthy one and will always provoke a strong negative response from you. You have to protect yourself emotionally from a manipulative person who doesn't respect you.

We all have said things in the moment when we're fighting that we don't really mean. We mean it in the moment because we're angry. But we regret it and feel terrible later. That's because we know we can do better but have made a mistake. Saying things just to be hurtful is a mistake. She ultimately may not have meant it. The best thing we can do is learn from the mistakes and improve our communication so it brings us closer together instead of harming the relationship. There's another book, Getting Together and Staying Together that helps with this kind of relationship building. I wish I'd read it 20 years ago.

You will still get mad again. Don't beat yourself up about it. Getting mad at ourselves for getting mad makes it last that much longer. But use each incident of poor communication, each anger episode as a chance to practice managing your response when it happens. Stop talking and take a break. Literally just leave the house. Anger is a natural response. But we want to keep our reaction and level of anger matched to the situation. We don't want to let it run loose and become overblown. Use your own body language, how loud you are talking, tone of voice, cursing, etc., as a guide to how angry you are. Just pay attention to your speaking volume and level of agitation and use it to help identify when you need to take a break.

There's no shame in taking a pause. It's actually the most respectful thing you can do for your partner, to not transmit all that anger to them and allow them to maintain their own emotional levels, to control their own level of feelings. If she tends to blast you with emotions too, this is definitely something to have a talk about. "I want us to work on lowering our anger and frustration at each other. Can we do this together? We need to talk and share so we both get what we want and to keep building our relationship. But without using anger." Using an anger scale of 1-10 can help accurately describe where you are at the moment. "You seem mad, are you at a 5 or more like an 8?" Help each other identify what makes you mad and what doesn't so you can work on the right things together.

When talking through important things, take a break when you get agitated. Cool off. Then come back to it. You can take a break this way, tabling the conversation, and then returning to it as many times as you need to get through important discussions. Let's talk about this again after lunch (or after dinner, or tomorrow). The amount of time needed to cool off and reflect by ourselves is up to us. The goal though is to always come back and keep working on issues until they are resolved enough so both partners needs are met and feelings are acknowledged. That's why there can't be a "winner" in an argument. When there's a winner, there's a loser. And there needs to be understanding on both sides.

So an important part of being in a relationship is to not worry about being right all the time. Of course there will be values that are important to you. Don't let go of your values. But for most things, don't worry about being right. Let your partner be right just to see what it feels like. We each have our own perspective. And that's often what draws us to a person in the beginning. So we want to keep letting that person share their perspective. Without being overbearing and not letting them share what's important to them too. A relationship is 50/50 sharing and letting them have their opinion too, just like we have ours. Couples therapy is an option if you feel it will help. Improving communication always improves the relationship and couples counseling can help in that area. Hope some of this helps. Take care of yourself and hang in there!

u/ALexusOhHaiNyan · 6 pointsr/infp

I made a point to write down just general compliments I've gotten over the years. People are reserved about their compliments in general and it helps to have them all laid out to remind yourself "Oh yeah. I am loved!"

Having more than one girlfriend tell me I was the best boyfriend they ever had is probably something I'd forget, and certainly needed to hear as a younger man. Because I live in a very Type A city where i thought I must be an undateable loser because Im not an alpha earner. Typical INFP thinking - hard on ourselves and blind to our strengths. It never even occurred to me that I had something to offer others couldn't. Also learning to date women that complimented my personality more so than just my idiotic libido. Like projecting idyllic girlfriend material onto some girl just because she had nice eyes and a dope donk.

Anywho - Start a compliment list. Because not everyone says "I love you" with words - there's 5 languages of love, not 1.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Mine's wordless and touch. I don't need to hear "I love you" as much as I need to physically feel it. A touch of the hand without a word said. An intimate look from across the room - make my INFP ass feel understood. Had a girlfriend make my road rage magically disappear simply by touching the back of my neck and stroking my hair.

Blowjobs help too.

u/gringo-gaijin · 6 pointsr/polyamory

I think it depends on what your partners love languages are. Feed each one of your partners what they need to feel loved, and they will feel fulfilled and special.

u/The_Real_Bender · 6 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

You are sooooo wrong. This might never be seen or get buried but I STRONGLY recommend you read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman with an open mind. You are doing irreparable damage to your husband, your marriage and your family that will extend further than you can imagine!

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1427581548&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=Love+langYates

There is so much more that I would like to say but much if not more has already been said. I just hope beyond hope for your sake and the sake of your family and husband that you reconsider your stance and empathize and sympathize as much as possible with your husbands point of view. Don't be selfish, be open. Out of love and respect for your husband it's the least you can do.

Read the book and if necessary see a therapist together. Who knows, maybe they will agree with you and maybe they won't but if not then consider for a moment at least that you just might be wrong.

u/YahtzeeDii · 6 pointsr/infj

Have you ever read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?

It sounds like you really want to connect with your girlfriend on a deeper level and understand what makes her tick. There are some underlying commonalities with all INFJs, but I'm also reluctant to generalize a specific person. "The Five Love Languages" is a wonderful, quick read that allows you to develop a relationship that is based on a mutual understanding of what makes the both of you feel appreciated and loved.

Sounds cheesy, right? I thought so, too, but I think the benefits outweigh the cheese.

"You gotta be more sensitive" is a request for cognizance more than anything, a reminder of selfless thoughtfulness. Even if you don't fully understand where she's coming from, sit down with her and say, "Sweetie, I've been putting a lot of thought into us being apart, and I want to make this as easy on you as possible. What can I do to help? Would you like me to set up time to spend together? How about Skype? Why don't we plan out a few visits? What would you prefer?"

This initiative will be greatly appreciated. As an INFJ, I'm usually the one who is preemptive of others' needs. I'm always grateful when people make the effort. It doesn't matter exactly what they say -- oftentimes, it's the thought that counts.

u/jrphoenix342 · 6 pointsr/LesbianActually

I highly recommend reading the book, “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It’s extremely useful to all relationships with loved ones whether they are partners, children, siblings, friends, etc.

Here’s the Amazon link:
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

And, no, I’m not affiliated with the author or
publisher in any way; I’ve just found the book very helpful.

u/realslacker · 5 pointsr/AskMenOver30

The book Models: Attract Women Through Honesty changed my outlook on dating, and has really made a difference in how I approch it. I also got a lot out of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, as far as recognising my own needs and those of my partners.

Good luck with the meds, it can be life changing to finally find something like that out.

u/Sandmint · 5 pointsr/Marriage

You don't sound like a spoiled brat. You want him to put thought and effort into speaking your love language. To him, gifts are just stuff. To you, they're an expression of love, intention, and care. You want him to care about the thought behind gift giving instead of "here ya go if I remember" and moving on. Talk to him about gifts being your love language. Think about picking up a copy of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. A lot of people recommend it and it seems to really help with that kind of communication.

u/anon_e_mous9669 · 5 pointsr/internetparents

My wife and I both read the [5 Love Languages] (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X) book from the library. It really helps with examining the way you express love and also helps identify how others express it. If you're both the same, then it's pretty easy, but it gets a little difficult when you are different (which is most people). If nothing else it's been helpful at just training you to think about things like showing love in a format that your partner is most receptive to and helps a little with communication across styles.

u/contemporarydinosaur · 4 pointsr/relationship_advice

Seriously, it sounds like you are more than pulling your weight. You work 90 hours per week and you clean up around the house and notice her.

Maybe you have insecurities of your own to deal with? Why do you not think you are measuring up? Do you feel like you aren’t good enough for some reason? Deal with that stuff first. And just fyi - most people feel inadequate/unlovable to some degree. It’s important to get that lie out of your mind.

To fully express how much you love your wife, you need to do it in “her language.” Read the 5 love languages: https://amzn.to/34p8kiz. It’s a famous book so should be available at your library.

u/freezoneandproud · 4 pointsr/scientology

One of the ills of cult-thinking is that you're encouraged to think in black-and-white. THESE people are good, and THOSE are bad. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS is good; EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT is bad.

Life ain't that way. And not just in regard to cults.

One of my sisters was married to her first husband for 17 years. After she left she adopted an attitude that everything about that marriage was wrong (and very much that he was at fault for it). She presented it as a wholly horrible experience. But I clearly remember how much she was in love with him. As "flower girl" at the wedding, I saw (and was inspired by) her expression as she came down the aisle. I learned a lot of healthy things about marriage by watching the two of them together (which I needed, because our parents' marriage was not a good one). Even if things went downhill between my sister and her husband (for reasons I later realized were an example of The 5 Love Languages -- a useful set of guidelines that appear nowhere in Scn), there was joy. And by refusing it, she was refusing an admirable part of herself.

> "We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -- and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again -- and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore." -- Mark Twain

u/ice_09 · 4 pointsr/minimalism

I used to be your husband. I was addicted to those machines and ended up with essentially hundreds of this stuffed animals. Its essentially gambling and I had a problem. In my mind, it was cloaked as gifting out of love, but was really an issue with how I viewed my relationship with my daughter. Growing up, my family showed me love by buying me things. This is going to sound strange, but I would reccomend having both you and your husband read The 5 Love Languages. It helped me understand that there are ways to show affection without gifting items. It was my preferred method of saying "I love you," but it was causing us to drown in clutter. It also helped me realize that I was using my family as an excuse to shop.

It is a very difficult balance, but there will need to be some sort of work recognizing that things do not equate to love and love does not mean things. Be prepared for the long haul, but also recognize that your husband is liking doing this out of love. It feels great to win something "special" for your own child. I still break down sometimes - just this month, I took my daughter to the fair and she convinced me to "win" some stuffed animals. She carries them everywhere and sleeps with them. I know this will pass, but its a very warming things to see. Sorry for the wall of text.

u/agoodresponse · 4 pointsr/asktrp

I use Amazon reviews before buying any book.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Spanish-Edition/dp/080241270X

Reviews look good. Ask her if she read it, as it seems the purpose of the book is understanding how other people want to be loved. As such, if you choose to read it, she should read it too.

u/throwaway1212away · 4 pointsr/sex

So there's lots of things that could be going on here. First off, it is good to keep in mind that it is almost inevitable that couples will have less sex overtime vs when they started out. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it is more like evolving into becoming intimate in a wider variety of ways.

Your boyfriend might be uninterested in sex because of being desensitized from consuming too much porn. If your boyfriend is truly addicted to porn and therefore so overstimulated that physical sex pales in comparison, he might benefit from seeing a sex therapist, although indulging in an occasional half hour porn session is hardly abnormal for men, so keep that in mind. If he is very introverted, he could even be using the porn as an excuse to have some personal time with himself. Genuine porn addiction is more like watching porn every moment he thinks he can get away with it, even when it is very risky for him to do so, like at work or on a public computer.

If he avoids sex because of anxiety, he might benefit from seeing an anxiety specialist. Some people really want to have sex but don't go through with it because their anxiety is so intense that they begin to panic. If he is so anxious that he wants to have sex but simply can't initiate, then you may just have to accept that that's gonna have to be your job if you want to have sex with him. Also, people with social anxiety don't just have difficulty initiating sex, they tend to have difficulty initiating anything social, so that may or may not be why he doesn't ask you out on dates or perform gestures of affection like buying flowers. Then again, people express affection in different ways, and gifts or acts of service might not be a way that he does. There is an excellent book about this called 'The 5 love languages'. Or maybe he just doesn't care, period, who knows.

If he has neither of these issues, than he may just not be particularly interested in physical sex. Some men are like that, contrary to practically every pop culture narrative. For someone to be occasionally but usually not interested in sex is known as gray-asexuality, and it's not a moral failing on either of your part, it's just how some people are. Some people are asexual because of being the victim of abuse, some are like that because they are so introverted that they don't feel comfortable sharing their most private feelings an sensations with others, and some are like that for no apparent reason at all. It's not his fault if he's just not interested in sex, and it's not your fault if that doesn't work for you either. Sometimes people with normal sex drives who date asexual people enter into polyamorous relationships, where it is acknowledge that one person simply isn't meeting the other person's sexual needs, so the asexual person consents to their partner having sexual relationships with other people. This requires a great deal of trust between the partners for that kind of arrangement to have any success, and isn't for everyone, but it's potentially an option.

Personally, I probably have all of the above issues to some degree, and I am much more comfortable having sex where I can take on a completely passive role, such as receiving a blow job or using the cowgirl position. We have vaginal sex about once a month, and when we do, I pull out after a few minutes because I get overwhelmed by anxiety. It makes me sad to know that my partner sometimes often feels unsatisfied that I often refuse to initiate sex or have it at all, and she also has essentially stopped trying to initiate with me do to the pain of often being rejected (that's a feeling women aren't as accustomed to due to sexual norms), but she has come to accept for the most part that it's an issue with me, not her, and we connect so well in other ways that we appreciate the sex that we do have as much as we can because she knows I really am trying to connect with and satisfy her as much as I can, even though it wouldn't seem like it at first glance.. She now tries to have sex with me in a way that acknowledges my limitations, which often is as low-intensity as light touching or watching porn together. When I am ready for something more intense than that, I initiate.

Then again, your boyfriend might just take you for granted and expect you to service him without providing any reciprocation or even appreciation in return. Some men have the disgusting belief that that kind of behavior is the only way they can get a woman to respect him. If that is the case than he probably won't understand how stupid and counterproductive that is until someone sets some boundaries and stands up to him.

Whatever your boyfriend's situation is, him telling you that you are overreacting because your needs aren't being met is completely inappropriate. If you are equal partners, then your needs should matter to him, and if they don't then he shouldn't expect you to do anything at all to satisfy his needs. It's normal to have needs, and if someone else can't meet them they at least shouldn't put you down for having them.

Also, he might just be done with the relationship and acting coldly could be a passive aggressive way of communicating that.

So the rub is that there are any number of things that could actually be going on with your boyfriend, so what you're going to need to do in any case is talk to your boyfriend and find out what's actually going on. He might have one or multiple of the issues I suggested, or none, or something I didn't think of, but you well never know if you don't ask. If he isn't open to talking about that stuff (it can be hard, that's extremely personal stuff), than I would suggest seeing a relationship therapist together, they can work wonders for helping people learn how to communicate the important stuff that goes unsaid. He also might not know what is going on either. Many people have so little understanding of their own emotions that they couldn't even tell you what they are feeling if they wanted to, and a relationship therapist can help with that as well.

u/MsDrMurder · 4 pointsr/BlackWomens

Girl, yes! I wish women (including myself) would not internalize their man's faults. Gah!

His words aren't supportive nor kind to the woman he is in a relationship with. If OP believes this is worth having a conversation over then I would say something like:

Hey, sometimes when you say (insert here) it makes me feel like (insert here). I'm not used to communicating like this especially in a relationship. Can you be more mindful in your language? (he may become defensive. Quickly remind him that you aren't judging rather asking him to communicate your language (see Love Languages for further information))

My spouse is very sarcastic and jokes a lot. Sometimes he can be hurtful. In those moments, I take a deep breath and explain to him in a very casual tone.

PM me if you need to vent.

u/LawyersGunsAndKony · 4 pointsr/AskNYC

If you decide to go the DIY route, I'd buy 2 copies of The 5 Love Languages and immerse yourself in /r/personalfinance

u/honestly_Im_lying · 3 pointsr/relationship_advice

I thought you were my SO when I read your post!

I can tell you, as a man, in my mid-30's, who loves to cook (raised in a family of chefs), I get very frustrated with a few things when I'm cooking for a SO. Add in: I'm a perfectionist, lawyer who is a stereo typical "Type A to everyone else in the world (MR. Tough Guy, hear me roar!), but I'm really a Type B deep down inside (Roaring makes me exhausted...)." Over the years, I have learned to settle down, but it took a bit: A LOT of patience from my SO, couple's counseling, and reading a few books.

From my perspective, I want everything to be perfect. (I know, I know. It can't be. Working on that...) I want the meal to be plated and put down on the table exactly when the main / sides finish AT THE SAME TIME. It frustrates me to no avail when everything is on the table, and my SO is walking around the house, NOT eating. &%#%#&*@!!!
(╯ಠ_ಠ)╯︵ ┻━┻ (edit: added /u/spaghettirobotti 's emoticon)

But, I've come to realize that's just the way it is.

What has helped me calm down in the kitchen is my SO talking to me in a very, very gentle way about how I'm a perfectionist and I need to calm the f down. She started with a lot of "I feel ____
when you're upset that we don't eat right when the meal is put on the table." "I love that you take the time to cook, and I appreciate it so much. I want you to know my favorite meals, so we can enjoy them together." "It's been a long day, I'm really craving pasta, but I can't eat it because of our dietary restrictions. I've found nuking it a bit in the microwave gives it more of that pasta mouth-feel." Give him the opportunity to be open with you. I'm sure he looks at it as if he's providing for you, he's doing daily acts of service, and he [REALLY] wants to please you and he's being vulnerable with his food (see below, food is art).

Some other things that have helped me. 1) My SO and I started going to couples counseling. Up until then, no one had ever taught me how to be in a functioning, working relationship. Sure, my parents stuck together, but they weren't in the best place and I didn't learn how to truly be in a relationship until my early 30's. 2) I read a bunch of books... Seriously. I found so much clarity in Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. And I figured out how my SO felt loved with this one: 5 Love Languages. Both of these books had such an impact on my relationship.

I totally get where your SO is coming from. It's like bearing your soul to the world when you cook something. Just like an artist or singer showcases their talent and wants positive feedback. It can be tough for men, especially if at one time he was a professional cook / baker, to put their "food" out there and not get great feedback. I say "food" because for people who take cooking very seriously, it's our art.

Cooking healthy can be very tricky. No one grew up with their Mom teaching them the family recipe for spaghetti squash or cauliflower pizza crust. I have found two books that are amazing in this area:
Daniel Walker's Against All Grain Meals Made Simple, and her other book, Paleo Recipes. Walker's primary focus is to collect recipes for people with dietary restrictions / gastrointestinal problems / allergies. I cook 3-4 meals per week from them. If I want pasta, I'll sub out the squash; flour tortillas swapped for lettuce, etc. But the meals are VERY good (my favorites are the Ropa Vieja and Slow Cooker Orange Chicken). It also has a great spaghetti squash recipe. ;)

I hope this helps. Good luck!

u/OnionsMadeMeDoIt · 3 pointsr/socialwork

I love this! Thank you so much for working on this project!

Here are my suggestions please add what you feel is appropriate :)

FICTION
A Door Near Here by Heather Quarles. - it's about a family with an alcoholic mother from the children's point of view. As an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) it's quite realistic as far as the mother's behavior.

A Wrinkle in Time - includes father/daughter relationships, sibling relationships and self esteem.

Push Inspiration for the movie Precious. I love this book but it is a tough one to read.

NON FICTION:

Hospice related: Final Gifts I also recommend this one to families of a dying loved one

My Mother Myself mother daughter relationships

Will I Ever be Good Enough. Another book about mother-daughter relationships but focuses on dealing with mothers with narcissistic behaviors.

Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayad

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Hyperbole and a Half Funny as fuck and talks about depression.

I do have a list of caregiver books that I give to loved ones of someone on hospice. I'm too lazy to look it up right now lol but if there's interest let me know and I'll post it.

Also, is there any interest in a social work related podcasts wiki? I know quite a few that deal with issues we work with such as alcoholism, addiction, recovery etc.


u/Cashewcamera · 3 pointsr/Veterans

I’m a vet and married to a vet with PTSD.

Try this book The Five Love Languages

A counselor recommended it to me. Basically there are 5 ways in which people give and receive love. If you don’t speak the same “language” one or both of you will always feel like your being neglected. It helps both of you figure out what “language” you speak so you can both better meet each other’s needs.

u/duhvorced · 3 pointsr/Marriage

> I've tried to be more spontaneous and do nice things and be the best husband ever, but I feel like what I don't do is payed more attention to than what I actually do.

You might try reading The 5 Love Languages.

tl;dr: people express and perceive love differently. You've got to show love in a way your wife values in order for it to be appreciated.

u/donnademuertos · 3 pointsr/polyamory

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Really.

The book is very cis het and has some subtly religious aspects as well as old school gender role leanings, but it's an interesting read and helps some people figure out the things they need in relationships (I'm a quality time and words person, not so much into gifts or acts of service).

u/gerbins · 3 pointsr/relationship_advice

The only way to gain experience is to do it. The only way to get more comfortable is to do it. My advice is: don’t fuck it up, or fuck it up, but definitely do one of those so you can start learning.

Books I recommend:

attached

Anything John Gottman

5 love languages

If you don’t want to read all those books, atleast look up summaries of the work. Also Mark Manson’s blog is really fucking good.

u/MissionSuccess · 3 pointsr/relationship_advice

Read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It'll enlighten you on why you find gifts important and he doesn't, and allow you both to better communicate and show love for one another in ways you both understand.

u/love_to_sleep_in · 3 pointsr/AskMen

Both of you might find these books helpful:

The five love languages This one is great for determining the ways you and your spouse like to give/receive love. It is a AMAZING book!

Not "just friends" This one is really for people who are going through an affair, but it is a good read to help "affair-proof" your marriage by learning about the dynamics that happen when affairs begin between platonic friends.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!!!!

u/toilnorspin · 3 pointsr/Catholicism

I was hoping this would get more of a response from some more knowledgeable/well-read users, but I'll try to offer some suggestions. I'm only engaged now, never married, and I've loved reading books with my fiance to help support our spiritual life. The ones that we've read have mostly centered over Theology of the Body and understanding Catholic teachings around dating and sexuality - so I don't think these are exactly what you are looking for. (Edward Sri's "Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love" was one of my favorites that condensed JPII's book "Love and Responsibility" - it's an easy read and may be worth checking out - https://www.amazon.com/Men-Women-Mystery-Love-Responsibility/dp/0867168404 )


I feel like you are more looking for books on how to communicate, and I have two very basic suggestions for that (I apologize if you've heard of these or read them before!).

1.) The Temperament God Gave You (https://www.amazon.com/Temperament-God-Gave-You-Yourself/dp/1933184027/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1501357551&sr=1-1&keywords=the+temperament+god+gave+you)

I brought up the temperaments with my fiance probably within the first month of dating. This book has the goofiest cover and it's a very simple read - but it is incredibly helpful in understanding one's natural tendencies, both strengths and weaknesses. The idea is that we all have a natural tendency to one of four temperaments and this will affect how we interact with others. Once you've determined your natural temperament, there is advice on how couples of certain combinations should best communicate. I know it sounds super pseudo-sciencey and Meyers-Briggs-esque, but I can say that is big in a lot of Catholic communities and it is so so helpful. If you don't want to buy the book this website has a lot of the core information as well: https://www.catholicmatch.com/institute/temperaments/

2.) The Five Love Languages (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1501358158&sr=1-1&keywords=the+five+love+language)

This one is also very popular and another goofy looking cover, but again really helpful in facilitating communication. The idea is that we all experience love in different ways (Quality Time, Gift Giving, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation) and the love that we naturally give may not be the kind of love that your partner naturally wants to receive.

For both of these suggestions, I wouldn't recommend just reading cover to cover. You really can just skim through them or find resources online to get the gist and then just facilitate conversation. (I also second the Gottman Institute resources below!)


Then, on a more personal note for you, I would recommend reading "Kristin Lavransdatter" by Sigrid Undset. More information here: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6217.Kristin_Lavransdatter

Use the new translation by Tiina Nunally, it seems like an off-the-wall suggestion because it's set in 14th century Norway, but Kristin gets swept up in a romance with an older man and marries him when she is very young. Then it follows her through their marriage and the difficulties they face. I'm only half way through (it's 900 pages long!!) but there are already so many scenes that have helped me personally, especially about how to deal with resentment. Here's a great podcast as an intro: https://player.fm/series/catholic-stuff-you-should-know/kristins-resentment


I did not mean for this to be so long! Hope it can help in any way :)

u/gravitre · 3 pointsr/estp

I was going to write something, but there's no tangible info to reply to.

So instead I'll ask: Have you read this book. Has he?

u/notoneofyourfans · 3 pointsr/sexover30

I take offense to people who say your wife isn't low libido - that she just doesn't want to have sex with you. That is just soooooooo possibly not the case. Everybody has a limit. My limit might be twice a day. Somebody else's might be twice a month. Why is it that the person who only wants sex twice a month seen as "broken"? I know you take this personally, and I understand why. Like someone else said, it appears that your Love Language is Physical Touch. You need it to feel validated. What if you found a way to compromise on the level of "closeness"? You get your day of full intercourse each week, but then two other nights each week she participates in your orgasms. How? The two of you neck for 10-15 minutes and then you masturbate yourself while she touches and encourages you. Make ground rules. Examples of possible rules might be intimacy nights can't be back to back. Barring sickness or schedule, only one "no" allowed per week. Each partner has to initiate intimacy at least once within the week. This way, you get to have more orgasms with the one you love and feel connected in some way more often through the week and your partner doesn't have to commit to heavier sex acts she really doesn't want to do. Because, I don't know about you, but I really can't enjoy fully sex when my partner isn't in that space. I can tell when her head is elsewhere, and most of the time, it makes a significant difference in my level of enjoyment. The counseling is so she understands how important the physicality is to you and you have to find out what her Love Language is and learn what you need to deliver for her. The book is super popular. If you want to see what the quiz is kinda like, I found this one. I don't think this one was made by the author of the book so it may not be super accurate, but you can google for others to try. Both you and your wife should take the quiz separately. Don't give up on your family without a fight. The woman probably cares about you, but she just either can't be all things for you or she doesn't know how to give you everything without losing herself in the process. Counseling can help to that end.

u/DevehJ · 3 pointsr/askgaybros

Have a read of the book "Five Love Languages" (http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080241270X). Talks about the different, often poorly conveyed/understood, ways in which people communicate their need for affection and attention.


It might help you with your situation, given it sounds like you've got a fair chance of reconciling with each other. Don't give up on it yet.

Edit: looks like /u/greeneyedguy6 beat me to it! I second this recommendation.

u/_meddlin_ · 3 pointsr/cscareerquestions

This is going to sound hokey, but go with me: cater to the "love language" they bring to work. I'm pulling this from the Gary Chapman book, "The Five Love Languages". The mechanism Chapman describes ("love languages") isn't only for romantic. We carry pieces of our "language" with us in all of our friendships, work relationships, etc.

I'm not trying to take away from the other answers here; more so, accentuate them.

  • Public recognition could work best for someone who carries the language of "words of affirmation".
  • Increased pay and perks could work better for people with the "thoughtful gifts" language
  • Focused 1:1's and thoughtfully considering ideas could work for people with the "physical touch" or "quality time" languages

    Here's the rub though. I'm suggesting this as the inspiration for how to better recognize people, but don't let this slip into corporate personality tests, or cheap gimmicks. At the end of the day give people what they deserve, and this can be a framework to individualizing those rewards and building real relationships with the people running your business.

  • If someone deserves a raise, give it. Explain why. Help them grow.
  • If someone isn't improving much...talk with them, not to them, figure out what's going on.
  • If developers are bored: http://randsinrepose.com/archives/bored-people-quit/
  • If teams are struggling, or just had a big win be personable, be transparent. They want to know the fruits of their labor.



    My anecdotal backing:

  • The first time I received a raise, I was ecstatic and proud, then those feelings melted away after walking 30ft down the hall from my manager's office. It didn't matter.
  • At two companies, I've seen the small "quality of life" perks mean nothing because of the inhuman qualities placed in the culture.
  • At another place I was ready to quit because: very little feedback/interaction -> work didn't seem to matter -> thoughts of "I don't matter".
u/NinjaLanternShark · 3 pointsr/Eyebleach

You should read the 5 love languages. Some people do feel love when someone gives them gifts. Others, when you spend time with them, or do things for them, etc.

You can waste time, money, and effort trying to show love to someone in a way that doesn't mean anything to them, and you can miss how hard someone's trying to show you love, if you're not speaking the same language.

u/blu3dice · 3 pointsr/AskWomenOver30

A friend told me she and her partner read this book and it helped them out a lot...."The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts". They would read a couple of chapters then discuss it, plus I think it includes "discussion topics". Basically, everyone has different ways on how they express love. Some people express love thru actions while others express with physical contact etc. It also teaches you how to recognize and appreciate your partners love. There is a middle ground, but dont expect your partner to totally change how they express love.

I wish I'd known about this book before my last relationship ended 2 yrs ago. We got into a huge rut and I put the majority of the responsibility to "fix us" on him. When he tried and couldn't, my resentment poisoned what little love I had left for him and I drove him away. One of the few regrets I have as an adult.

Read some relationship books, go to couples therapy. Do whatever it takes. I'm sure as you know, the problem isnt about "he doesnt put effort into planning dates"; youre feeling unloved and you've cherry-picked an example. Trust me, even if he did magically start planning better dates, you'd find another reason to be mad at him. You're feeling unloved. Sounds like he does really love you, you're just wanting it on your terms.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

u/autophage · 3 pointsr/OneY

Would she be receptive to reading the book on Love Languages, and then having a discussion from there?

You've mentioned elsewhere that "advice from some dude on Reddit" isn't going to go over well, but advice from someone with a bit more of an authority might be helpful.

Plus, it might get her to open up on if there are other needs she has that she hasn't previously expressed to you.

u/Outsider8881 · 3 pointsr/exmormon

You can try reading The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts https://www.amazon.com/dp/080241270X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_S0xvxbW6M7EQ1

u/DefconDelta88 · 2 pointsr/funny

If you're afraid of this, there is one thing you can do to minimize this from ever happening out of surprise: work really hard to have open, effective communication in your relationship.

MOST problems fester only because there is a lack of genuine dialogue about it. Communication and respect are the core pillars of any functioning relationship, and when we neglect to voice our feelings (positive OR negative), existing problems won't get solved and new ones will be created in that silent void. It creates rifts in the relationship that eventually seem like impossible divides.

Relationships take a huge amount of dedication and work. Work to understand the emotional needs of your partner and visa verse. The more each of you understands the primary emotional need that each person has to feel "loved", the better equipped you are to recognize developing issues and have an objective, productive dialogue about it. I, for example, need quality time with my s/o. That includes time when we're just focused on each other (aka not watching TV together), as well as creating experiences together (such as a trip into the wilderness, or skydiving - things that matter to you that you want to share). If I don't get that, I feel unwanted. If I don't communicate this, however, there is no way for my partner to know I may be feeling neglected.

Good communication means any major changes in your relationship will be of little to no surprise. Sometimes relationships simply don't last. Dynamics can change, people change, and that's okay. What isn't okay is when a couple shuts down any meaningful communication.

I read a really interesting book a while back that was recommended to me by a friend. It's a bit preachy in some parts, but there is a lot of perspective that clicked with a big "Oooooh," for me, and really changed how I approached my relationship. I've never been one for those self-help type books, but I was really surprised by how enlightening the first 5 or 6 chapters of this book were. You don't necessarily have to read the whole book, but it's a pretty fast read and it is definitely worth the time. Might even be available for free somewhere.

u/slurpee_brainfreeze · 2 pointsr/adultery

> She (OW) wasn't and isn't a she-devil.
---
> And I can see the evil she has towards me in her heart.

I think you need to decide (internally) whether you're going to demonize the OW or not. Honestly, though, you're clearly in a lot of pain. Focusing on the OW in any way is not going to help. Trying to empathize with the OW is not going to help, unless claiming that you understand her pain is going to make you feel better. Go no-contact and focus on yourself.

You can work to heal yourself, you can work with your husband to heal your relationship if that's desired on all sides; but you can't control the OW, you can't control your husband or force him to change. You both have to want to have a healthy relationship, and you both have to do your own work for it.

As a random aside, check out The Languages of Love. I'm going to guess you and your husband speak very different love languages. Your husband may reject trying to delve into something like that, but it may help you personally to help with how you move forward. Then head over to /r/survivinginfidelity, because frankly /r/adultery is not the place for you.

u/Celesticle · 2 pointsr/relationships

Right now both of you want to be heard and neither of you are listening. You're both tired, overwhelmed, and keeping score. You both have to let go and stop trying to control each other. Sit down and discuss expectations and roles.

Your fiancé seems to see that you need a break, and you do, so when he says, "get a job to get out of the house, give yourself a break" you are hearing something critical and he isn't criticizing you in his mind, he is trying to be supportive.

Stop trying to be right, he needs to stop trying to be right. You have to let go of the little things, refocus your attention on the positive attributes in each other because as long as you are focusing on the negative, that's all you'll be able to see. You don't feel appreciated, and I'm guessing neither does he. You aren't speaking the same language. Check out this book, The 5 Love Languages. If you aren't religious, which I'm not, just ignore the dogma like I did. I am guessing you two don't speak the same love language.

u/solinaceae · 2 pointsr/BabyBumps

Have you read 7 Principles for Making Marriages Work? It's a scientific relationship book where they talk about healthy vs harmful ways that people argue; a lot of the time people don't even realize that they way they word something can really hurt their relationship. If your husband is dredging up previous fights in a way that really hurts you, maybe he should read it and see if he could try not to bring up painful topics in such a blunt way.

Another good one for focusing on the positive aspects of a relationship is the 5 love languages.

u/ThrowUpNotAway · 2 pointsr/CasualConversation

> they've expressed that they don't feel loved.

You may find this book useful. Everyone gives and receives love in different ways and it's possible that you both define it differently.

u/kaidomac · 2 pointsr/findapath

part 2/2

Relationships:

  • You deserve to be in stable, happy, fulfilling relationships with your family, friends, partners, and coworkers. A large part of this is tied into self-esteem & what you think you deserve & what you're willing to accept, so a big part of it is figuring out where your line in the sand is. Everyone is free to do whatever they want, but there's a big difference between tolerating situations, getting by, and being content, versus actually being truly happy & having great, fulfilling relationships.
  • It's important to realize that relationships aren't 50/50, they're 100%/100%. They are a tremendous amount of work, whether it's a romantic relationship with a partner or a familial relationship with a sibling or parent or a relationship with friends, and the road is often rocky, which is why you have to give a lot & deal with a lot during the course of all relationships. A lot of relationships die not because they're not good, but simply because of a lack of effort on both ends.
  • A really good book is "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The basic idea is that there are only a handful of ways people typically feel loved, and identifying your primary method of input can help you figure out what you want from a relationship, and also figure out how to make your partner feel loved. The five "languages" are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Do you remember the girl in high school who always needed flowers or chocolates or teddy bears to feel like she was in a loving relationship? That's not shallow, that's just her love language.
  • If you don't know what does it for you & then if you're not getting what you like in your relationship, then you're not going to feel very fulfilled on a regular basis, and likewise, neither is your partner. So it's not just about drawing a line in the sand about what is & isn't acceptable in a relationship, but also about what you want to have in your life & what you need to give to others to help them feel loved.
  • I really like the love-language concept because instead of just "I need to try harder in my relationships", it gives you a clear path forward, i.e. figure out what you want & figure out what those in your lives want & how best to give it to them on a regular basis. Like, my wife really likes the "time spent" one, so anytime I do something like plan a date, she loves it because that's simply how she feels loved, so my effort on that is a way to express my love for her in a way that actually makes her feel loved, rather than what I think will make her feel loved in my mind, but doesn't actually do it in reality, haha!

    Finances:

  • The first thing to do is to pick a number, i.e. figure out how much you want to make every year, based on the cost-of-living in your area & the lifestyle you want to lead. You can literally pick this out thanks to sites like Indeed & Glassdoor, which provide realistic pricing tiers for intro, well-versed, and guru-level experience in different job categories. So the payscales aren't really a question mark anymore...you can literally figure out how much you want to make, research jobs that pay what you want & also match your interests, get training for them, and get to work!
  • The second thing to do is to work out a personal financial system that manages your money for you. You will only accomplish what you set out to achieve & then work on persistently. You already have a solid principle saved up, but managing finances on a day to day basis successful always benefits from having a well-defined set of personal rules for handling things, which includes figuring out how much you want to make at your job & then getting educated in that field & pursuing jobs persistently until you get what you want, as well as having a solid financial system in place for how you deal with each aspect of your financial life - fixed expenses, variable expenses, debt management, retirement savings, living below your means, and so on.
  • The first book I'd recommend is "Secrets of the Millionaire Mind" by T. Harv Eker, which is a little cheesy, but contains the critical component of changing your mindset about how you think, interface, and deal with money, which is the first place that people get goofed up - having a system comes later; learning how to mentally approach finances is a really huge first step that a lot of financial books miss, because they don't address the psychology behind why we do what we do & how we think.
  • The second book I'd recommend is "The Millionaire Next Door: The Surprising Secrets of America's Wealthy Paperback" by Thomas J. Stanley & William D. Danko. This is a data-driven book, so it's not the most exciting read, but it illustrates a lot of actual, factual information & statistics about wealth management. I'd also recommend reading up on FIRE. Again, you only accomplish the things that you work on, so the more good stuff you can invite into your life through research, selection, and effort, the better your long-term results can be!

    Habits:

  • "Atomic Habits" by James Clear is a really fantastic book about how habits operate. I'd highly recommend picking up the audiobook & listening to his story about how he got injured & used tiny habit changes to make huge impacts on his life. Lots of really fantastic concepts in this book!
  • Just to throw an idea out, consider adopting a "personal productivity system" or "PPS", which is simply a set of methods for how to force yourself to do stuff you want to & have to do. Everyone has a PPS, and sometimes they're not so useful because you're stuck with no clear path forward in your life. Having a strong PPS enables you to solve problems & work on things effectively & efficiently. One of the tools I use in my own PPS is the "3P Approach" mentioned earlier, where I break things down into the premise, parts, and procedures required to accomplish what I have to or want to do, rather than just walking around confused with no idea how to really proceed & no idea what I really want, exactly.

    Anyway, don't get overwhelmed by all of this - this isn't all stuff you have to do overnight, instantly, in one big shot. It's like high school - you went there for years, chipped away on things, and eventually grew up & moved on. Improving your life isn't just reading a motivational poster or feeling happy for a day, it's a lifestyle change, and it's going to take some time.

    Just don't be afraid of the big amount of work that it looks like on the surface, because remember, we can only ever really do one thing at a time, so all of the stuff listed above was, for me, the result of decades worth of working on self-improvement to get better results & be happier in my life, because those were really big struggles for me for a long time! The good news is that it gets better, and your results are directly correlated to your decisions & your efforts, so simply by deciding that you want better & then chipping away on it, you'll start to do better & feel better over time!
u/xplorer1701 · 2 pointsr/Divorce

Sorry to hear, but don't lose hope. I'm 49, my stbxw has left our marriage for the second time, I'm still healing, but I have a lot of hope for my future. You should as well.

She cheated one you, and that is a big reason to let her go. That violates a trust that you may never have been able to restore.

Right now you're wallowing in your pain, and I get that. You need to do the following: exercise, take up a new hobby, read self-help books, spend time creating new memories, take time to heal, learn your lessons from your failed marriage and don't repeat them, and most importantly, be patient with yourself.

I recommend you read these books:

  1. http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1452259555&sr=1-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy

  2. http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1452259588&sr=1-1&keywords=5+love+languages

  3. http://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People-Powerful/dp/1451639619/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1452259607&sr=1-1&keywords=7+habits

    The Robert Glover book is like a kick in the pants, or at least it was for me. Regarding my own situation, I'm deeply saddened by my ex wanting to leave again. I was very much in love with her, but she was not in love with me. She wanted to explore "feelings" she had for another woman, and I wasn't the guy she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. That really hurt, and it sill does, but well... let's just say that while I own my mistakes, my ex's romanticizing of life and need to sustained highs to make her feel happy was impossible to meet. I wish her well, but I have my own life to lead now.

    You do too. It will take time, but you'll get to the other side of hell. Follow the advice I and others give you, and see what works for you. Remember rough moments are just that... moments to get through. Life will get better and you'll see light in the darkness again. Stay the course.

u/youknowdamnright · 2 pointsr/climbing

This is a very important issue to me since I have a non-climbing wife who really doesnt even like hanging out in the woods of Kentucky very much either. She has gone on trips with me, but its not her favorite.

If your wife likes to join and hang out or whatever, you have a leg up. But lets assume she doesnt. The most important thing is to not let climbing become an issue of contention. That means, find a balance of time for you and time for her. If she is feeling loved, then she wont mind you being gone on occasional climbing trips.

I train at the gym 2-3 times a week and manage a decent amount of weekend trips and 1 or two longer trips, but less trips now that we have a kid.

Step 1 in making sure she is loved is to find out how she feels loved. Everyone shows and receives loves in different ways. I recommend The 5 love languages for your reading pleasure. warning: there is a very religious overtone to the book but I think the advice is solid even if you ignore that.

So, if you are showing your wife she is loved, climbing will not be an issue. My wife really likes notes ('words of affirmation' from the book) so if I leave her lots of little notes around the house while I'm gone it helps. One of my buddies is also married and his wife likes gifts. so he does a bunch of small gift cards for coffee, etc... and that keeps his wife happy. Doesnt have to be expensive, just a thoughtful token.

finally, My friends are always going on trips that I dont even bother asking to go on because I try to consciously maintain a balance. The selfish side of me wants to go on every trip but I know that it will become an issue if I do.

u/ColdEiric · 2 pointsr/INTP

The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman.

Find out what you two like, how you two feel loved by the other one.

u/Finnamischa · 2 pointsr/sexover30

Maybe take the Love Language test. It sounds to me like you both have different love languages, maybe if you both did the test, read the book, you’d understand each other’s needs more? It’s a start anyway. I’m sorry you’re in a marriage with a woman you clearly love, but are left feeling unfulfilled and unwanted. Try the book, try marriage counselling, try weekends away together. If nothing works, and you’re still feeling unfulfilled, consider more drastic options, you deserve to feel loved and wanted. I truly wish you all the best.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

u/outalterego · 2 pointsr/BDSMcommunity

Yikes. I'm tempted to jump on the bandwagon and recommend leaving the guy, but acknowledging that we're only hearing one side of the story and that you seem invested in making things work, I will offer two book recommendations, though not without certain reservations.

  1. Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages. There's a reason this is still Amazon's #1 best-selling book on marriage even though it was first published way back in 1992. It has 12,674 reviews and 95% of those are 4- or 5-star. I knew the basic concepts of the 5 love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch) for years before I read the book, but actually reading it made all the difference in my own marriage. This was a bit embarrassing, because I had assumed my salvation would come from all the liberal, science-based self help books I was reading, but this book helped me realize that for my wife, our problems had nothing to do with sex. Maybe your husband's primary love language is words of affirmation, and he needs to hear you say over and over again that he is a good lover...or that he is handsome, or a good provider, or good at his job, or whatever else it is that is most central to his identity. Maybe his love language is touch, and the particular type of touch he craves is one that he doesn't get when he's whipping you, tying you up, or fucking you silly. Maybe his love language is quality time, and you're going to have to start spending 7 hours a week rock climbing, painting models, or volunteering at the local food bank together (whatever he's into) in order to make things work. Maybe it's acts of service, and the problem is that while you want him to command you to do all the laundry, dishes, cooking and cleaning because you are submissive, he wants you to do these things automatically as a way of showing your love. Only you (or he) can say for sure. I hesitate to recommend this book because some people are really turned off by the author's Christian perspective. But I include it because the principles are solid regardless of your religious beliefs and because I know of no other self-help book that offers a possible pathway to saving a marriage when only one partner is fully invested in making things work. Chapter 12 deals with this explicitly but won't make sense unless you've read everything leading up to it.
  2. Weiner and Avery-Clark's Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy. The book is expensive, its intended audience is professional sex therapists, and it includes an embarrassing number of typos for a published book. But it is the most up-to-date and thorough exploration of what has been the most widely prescribed (and chronically misunderstood) exercise in sex therapy for decades. I would not normally recommend that a couple with your level of baggage and resentment attempt to explore sensate focus without guidance from a licensed sex therapist, but you mention that finances are an issue. If you do decide to go this route, it would require a sacrifice from each of you. He would have to give up porn for at least a couple of weeks while you work through stages 1 & 2 together, and you would have to give up all masturbation and BDSM activities during the same time period. The exercises are all about being mindful and rebuilding non goal-oriented physical intimacy with one another, and that requires you to give up any alternative sexual outlets you have been using, at least initially.

    I wish the best for both of you.
u/AnOddOtter · 2 pointsr/IWantToLearn

Here's some books and YouTube videos I've found helpful.

The Charisma Myth is easily my favorite.

Anything by Leil Lowndes, but particularly Goodbye to Shy and How to Talk to Anyone

Charisma on Command YouTube videos

The 5 Languages of Love is pretty much for marriages but it is helpful for developing empathy in general and relating to people better.

u/33saywhat33 · 2 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

I should say my bias is trying to make marriages work. I found a great book for the wayward spouse. It's a super easy, short book. It lists 15 things the wayward must do in order to help the marriage recover.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair:

I'd suggest you read it too! There will be some things in there where you will say "That's exactly how I feel...I just couldn't find those words."

Another book you want is Five Love Languages. Also a short read and not expensive. Sounds corny but it's not. It's super helpful for both men and women.

If you like those two, I can give you other ideas. I get bored easy so books really need to grab me before I recommend them. PM me if you want.

​

u/dan_quayle_potatoe · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

I think this is the book you're referencing. Agree that a counselor/therapist is probably the best direction. I doubt that this situation can be resolved with just a book.

u/just_sparkle · 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I feel this... completely! I wish my Husband understood!!!



The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Learn more: https://www.amazon.com/dp/080241270X/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_OSe5CbMJD8NG8

This book helped explain how I see love as physical touch. I didn't understand how a man could NOT understand that. His love language appears to be acts of service... which does NOTHING for me.

​

Sadly I think it is too late for us....

u/virtualroofie · 2 pointsr/self

> There is a book that I think is called "The seven languages of love" which explains that some see physical contact as a sign of love.

Would you mind linking that book. There are some titles that are similar but nothing that matches what you mentioned exactly.

Edit: I found two, both by the same author - one is specifically aimed at men. Link 1 ... Link 2

Are either of these the one you were thinking of?

u/Ikniow · 2 pointsr/wholesomememes

The 5 Love languages by Gary Chapman

My wife has read it and I'm still getting into it. It's got some religious tones to it that I'm not super into, but the overall intent of the book is pretty positive.

u/meaninglessvoid · 2 pointsr/portugal

Não é nada ridículo, há um estigma muito grande em relação a isso... Um psicólogo, mais que um psiquiatra, penso que seria muito bom para o teu caso! Nem que seja através da escola! Experimenta saber sobre isso, se há algum psicólogo na tua escola, se sim aproveita.

Para já estares a fazer a repetir pela 3ª vez o 10 já deves ter alguma idade, portanto podes ir a um psicólogo sozinho sem dizer nada a ninguém. Se for os da escola melhor ainda, pois não pagas.

Não precisas de lhe dizer 'eu amo-te', se tiveres outras formas de o demonstrar, não há problema nenhum em não o verbalizares. Há várias formas de demonstrares o teu amor. Há um livro que fala sobre isso, penso que se chama 'as linguages do amor' e que seja este, onde refere cinco formas diferentes e todas elas perfeitamente válidas das pessoas demonstrarem o seu amor.

Se isso te magoa, essa tua incapacidade de te exprimires, deves mesmo procurar ajuda especializada. Quanto mais cedo mais rápido vês melhorias neste aspecto da tua vida! =)

u/BluePetunia · 2 pointsr/LifeAfterNarcissism

Yes, the 5 Love Languages is a really great book, and the religious stuff is easy enough to ignore if that doesn't apply to you. The book has been around forever, your library probably has a copy.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Also, if you want to do some self education on emotional labor, I can highly recommend the condensed Metafilter discussion on this topic. This link is to a PDF which is 49 pages, but trust me, it makes for some interesting reading. It comes across as anti-male but it's really more anti-toxic-masculinity - unfortunately, men are taught in our culture that emotional labor is women's work and therefore beneath them. So I'd recommend you both read it with an open mind, and then have a discussion about what stood out for you and how it applies to your relationship.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0UUYL6kaNeBTDBRbkJkeUtabEk/view?pref=2&pli=1

u/deepthoughtsby · 2 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Great post! Thanks for sharing such a well written and expressed point of view. I think it will help a lot of people!

Apologies in advance for the completely unsolicited advice that is to follow! But, in case it might help. Check out the love languages book.

There is a good chance that your husband feels similarly neglected if you can believe it!

People speak different love languages. Learn to speak your partner's language and help him learn to speak yours.

This helped me a lot. It might help you as well.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

u/[deleted] · 2 pointsr/Marriage

Have you guys tried marriage counseling? When my husband and I have communication problems we go see a counselor even though there isn't necessarily a huge problem because a third party perspective really helps. AND we stop the problem from getting bigger.

There are times when my eyes have been opened to what my husband needs from me, a vice versa.

My husband and I don't have a bunch in common, either, but we really love each other for who the other person is, differences and all. I personally would be bored to death if I was married to a male version of myself.

If you are going to keep trying than maybe instead of just doing the day to day "being present" do something more. Trying to work things out doesn't just mean staying in the relationship...

It might mean going to the library and checking out some marriage books, it might mean talking to a counselor, it might mean hanging out with married couples whose marriage you admire and asking them what they do to keep their relationship fresh.

I really like the analogy of marriage being like a plant; if you don't water it, it dies. What are some ways you can water your marriage?

I personally have found these books to be helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Sex-Spiritual-Celebration-Marriage/dp/1578564611

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1591451876/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1463151033&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=love+and+respect&dpPl=1&dpID=41DFeUoMm1L&ref=plSrch

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Good luck!

Edit: you mentioned her not having many friends, and her forcing you to not have them. Maybe that needs to be revisited. People shouldn't be isolated. We all need friends, so maybe set up one day a week for you to go out, and one day a week for her to go out.

She may not take you up on that offer to go out with friends, but I will say scheduling in the hobbies and friend time every month keeps my husband and I so much happier than the times we forget and don't do it.

u/Karmadoneit · 2 pointsr/LifeProTips

No book is going to change you. It's all on you. Books provide information you may lack that helps you know what separates you from where you are and where you want to be.

Diet books don't help you lose weight.

Having said that... I enjoyed Covey's book.

I also liked... The Five Love Languages by Chapman.

Most of my fun reading though is in behavioral economics...
I found great insights in The Irrational Bundle: Predictably Irrational, The Upside of Irrationality, and The Honest Truth About Dishonesty by Ariely, although I mostly just enjoy that stuff when I'm out drinking with friends. It's fun to get people to change their order based on inputs you give them.


u/allthegoo · 2 pointsr/Catholicism

I've been in a marriage enrichment group in our parish for about 5 years now. We have 5 couples. We've gone through lots of books, articles, videos and podcasts. The ones that immediately come to mind are:

(1) https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X The 5 Love Languages; and

(2) Fr. Riccardo's podcasts on marriage.

(3) https://www.amazon.com/Great-Dates-Energize-Your-Marriage/dp/0310210917 10 Great Dates hasn't been too bad.

There are a few more at home but I can't remember their names (perhaps that is a sign?). For our group we found it best to balance between more theological stuff and practical marriage skills that we can use.

u/Concise_Pirate · 2 pointsr/RedditForGrownups

I strongly, strongly recommend the book The Five Love Languages. It's very short but very helpful.

Amazon link.

u/lecuriousincident · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

You should really go see a counselor. If you guys got married quickly (you said you have been together 3 years - is that married or just together), then it could be the passionate/lust phase of your relationship has died back.

Have you ever read the The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts? If not, you should at least read the synopsis and see if its relevant to you guys. It could be that he shows his love in other ways and that you guys are 'speaking the wrong love language' -- you have different ways of showing love towards each other.

But if nothing else, go see a couples counselor. If everything else is good between you, there should be steps you both can take to get on the same page.

u/duffymeadows · 1 pointr/Marriage

Two books that are extremely helpful in understanding what other people need are the 5 love languages https://amzn.to/34p8kiz and the 5 apology languages. https://amzn.to/2pAFPj5

u/Sudain · 1 pointr/AskMen

Glad I could help.

The core idea of the 5 love languages is everyone receives love in a different way. For example, if I bought you a bouquet of flowers you may feel loved, and valued. However someone else may not want flowers - they instead would want me to take a walk for while holding hands, just being mentally present. Everyone is different, and the book presents these ideas and encourages couples (it's aimed at couples) to discuss how they can feel valued and appreciated. One of the major tricks is that what you need to feel valued and appreciated is how you'll likely try to express the same feeling - but that may not be how your partner receives value and appreciation. I'd highly encourage reading the book when you get a chance.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

u/another_single_dad · 1 pointr/Parenting

This is basically non-parenting /r/relationships/ stuff at this point, but do read The Five Love Languages. Different people look at relationships in different ways, so you'll want to have a good understanding of his perspective before you tackle such an important subject.

u/sunrizeQ · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

You’re the perfect example of having different Love Languages. . Check out the book. It’s a simple, easy read. It’s a pretty basic concept and it can help bridge the gap on how you both give and receive love and affection.

u/zhaoliya · 1 pointr/Advice

I swear I'm not a shill and normally I think relationship books are pretty poor overall, but perhaps try reading this. I read it recently, despite not being married, and it gave me a lot to think about regarding relationships. It might help you, it might not. You can find free copies of this online.

u/talky_sex · 1 pointr/sexover30

>how was your day?

Is there a way you could get a connection by talking about something else? Like maybe planning the upcoming weekend, or joint hobbies/projects, or books/movies/YouTube videos/dupes on /r/funny, or the weather, or ants, ants with lasers, etc.? What kind of job does he have?
Astronaut? Or a normal job? 'Cause I don't want to talk about my day at work. It is boring and stupid and I only do it for the money. It is bad enough that I had to live it, and I have no desire to rehash it. Especially cause I don't want to be complaining about it day after day after day after day. Do you like to read books (or audio books)? I'd recommend the 5 Love Languages, and How to Win Friends and Influence People. I'm sure there is something that he could talk about, that would meet your needs for connection. But maybe it is not about his day.

Edit: ...and now reading down thread further, I see you've read the 5 Love Languages book. How about the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book? Sorry for your troubles, hope it gets better.

u/SokeiKodora · 1 pointr/polyamory

On communication:
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It focuses on the idea that people both communicate and read intention of love from others in different ways, both verbally and nonverbally. The idea is similar to those personality types things (like Meyers-Briggs and whatnot) where if you can identify how you and your partners each best give & receive affection, everyone can better communicate that affection in a meaningful way. From a poly perspective, applying this concept can help find ways to make limited time with partners more fulfilling for each person involved. (Just ignore/skip past the author's insistence on just one man + one woman in the side chapters.)

u/itchytweed · 1 pointr/self

Just read the TL;DR, but I will say this:

In my marriage, my husband LOVESSSSS birthdays. He wants a parade in his honor, a cake and a huge party and a big deal to be made ALL DAY LONG. He's crazy about it. I don't particularly care about my birthday. I would be better off if people just forgot about it. As such, I forget that other people really like a big deal to be made. I'm really crappy at birthdays and frequently drop the ball on his....so, yes, it is possible to drop the ball on a birthday yet still care about a person.

You might consider reading 5 Love Languages. It explains how some people can find a certain kind of love important while the other finds it non-important. Once you learn what is important to your SO, these sort of mistakes will not happen with the same regularity.

u/PeteMichaud · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

You have have tried talking, but you probably aren't that skilled at talking (why would you be?).

I have a couple book recommendations that could change the way you think about your talks:

NVC is basically the gold standard introduction to productive communication between people including couples. It seems like you're both not being very nice or accepting of each other (how do you think it feels for your husband to be judged as a child by his wife for having different cleanliness preferences than you have?). This book may help you see the world from each others' perspectives:
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034

Another books that's helpful for beginning to heal and reconnect is 5 Love Languages. It'll help you both get in touch with what's important to you and makes you feel good, and give your partner the insight into you that they'll need to be a good partner to you.
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

The last one I'll recommend to you in particular is Bonds that Make us Free. It seems like neither of you have really been able to understand the others' perspective, or maybe even your own perspective about what you're each valuing. This book may help.
https://www.amazon.com/Bonds-that-Make-Free-Relationships/dp/1629722154

Good luck.

u/skoubah · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

>We all crave love, appreciation, encouragement, a sense of being valued and accepted without concession



There you have it, the justification and excuses I was referring to, if someone is not getting these things its THIER job to speak up, if it falls on deaf ears I feel you should get out (not saying its easy but its the right thing to do) before you cheat. It might be hard and take sometime to get out but thats what you should do and I feel you shouldn't cheat until you do, of coarse at that point its no longer cheating. I don't feel you get to just decide "im not getting the type of love I want, so ill go find it" While the other person is unaware and still in that other relationship.

The only exception to this rule is an abusive relationship, you owe that person nothing.

As a licensed therapist I feel we are going to butt heads on this but thats how I feel, to me its common decency.



EDIT: however thank you for the book recommendation im going to pick it up, I assume you mean the 5 love languages: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1535893586&sr=8-1&keywords=5+love+languages&dpID=51ItBwnbJ6L&preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=srch

EDIT 2: honestly it seems to be a series of books and im not sure which one you recommend, all of them? Or is there a specific one to focus on?

u/Dime_Dozen · 1 pointr/sex

My wife and I have a similar dynamic as you and your SO. What we have found works for us is reading the five love languages book, only $10.
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts https://www.amazon.com/dp/080241270X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ZxnzCbBKRTCY2

Basically each person is driven by a few of the five love languages when it comes to intimacy. Discovering which “language” each of you speaks will allow him to satisfy your emotional/intimacy needs. Which in turn will drive you to meet his. Once you both commit to investing a conscious effort to making each other happy the circle will just flow.

One of his languages is “physical touch”, yours clearly isn’t. That is OKAY! Make conscious efforts to “speak his language”, and he needs to be doing the same!

Read the book together, discuss what each language means to you respectively. Once you know your love language your partner can actively work to speak it. Marriage is work, sex is just another aspect of a healthy relationship.

After a few months of focusing on improving my wife’s sex drive increased because I began to meet HER emotional needs. She went from the same situation your in now to being the one to initiate sex regularly weekly.

READ THE BOOK ! It’ll change your life

u/CobaltSphere51 · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

Divorce sucks. It scars you. She’s very likely carrying some emotional scars from it, and you’re absolutely caught in the crossfire of her insecurities from those scars.

I highly recommend two books that may help:

  1. Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts
    (https://www.amazon.com/Saving-Second-Marriage-Before-Starts/dp/0310346304)

    I’m currently reading this one, and it’s very good at explaining some of the dynamics of 2nd marriages, and how to deal with them.

  2. The 5 Love Languages
    (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X)

    Your wife (and you) both have different ways of receiving love—certain things that you each respond to more than others that make you each feel loved. This can help you both figure out what those are, so you can do them more often. The 5 things are:

  • Quality time - spend time with her
  • Acts of Service - do things for her
  • Gifts - give her things
  • Words of affirmation - tell her how awesome she is
  • Touch - massage, caress, sex

    Then focus on doing her top two every day, plus the others sprinkled throughout the week. Do small things often.

    And ditch that therapist for an unbiased one. That therapist is a jerk and becoming part of the problem.
u/JJTheJetPlane5657 · 1 pointr/AskWomenOver30

Have you considered going to couples therapy?

I think that the next time she tells you something like she feels like she's putting in 100% of the work you could just tell her that you want to be a better partner for her, maybe you could do therapy together to be sure that you properly address her concerns.

You can go with "Obviously I'm just not understanding, but I would like to and I think this would help us communicate about what you want from our relationship."

(You have your own problems but suggesting going to therapy isn't a good time to bring up your problems lol.)

You could also consider reading the 5 Love Langauges, maybe somehow you're just not expressing to her in a way she resonates with: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2OGN6I57BGLOY&keywords=5+love+languages+by+gary+chapman&qid=1557866049&s=books&sprefix=5+love+%2Cstripbooks%2C161&sr=1-1

There's also a free quiz you can both take: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ (IMO you can learn just as much to imrpove your relationship from both taking the quiz, both reading about the different styles of love languages conceptually, and both committing to knowing each other's primary languages AND your own.)

I haven't read this book, but a mentor of mine says it saved her marriage: https://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Your-Marriage-Best-seller-Preventing/dp/0470485914

u/TheDulin · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

My wife and I ran into this mismatch of sex drive after 8 years of marriage. She found this book about how people communicate love in different ways and if you speak the same love language it fills up the "love tank".

Anyway, we took the books advice and it's been very helpful. Not sure if it applies to your situation but consider giving it a read (or just googling Love Languages).

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

And good luck in figuring it out.

u/nooneswatching · 1 pointr/OutOfTheLoop

I'm not sure if this book is where the phrase comes from, but i know a LOT of people that recommend it when it comes to understanding the concept and applying it to your own life: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1497340943&sr=8-1&keywords=love+languages

u/Amp4All · 1 pointr/Feels

If it's emotional communication with a spouse that you're interested in, I would definitely check out The 5 Languages of Love. It's not about emotions per say, but it explains 5 general ways people attempt to convey emotions like love, contentedness, and appreciation. Things like gift giving, doing helpful tasks, being verbally affection, etc.

u/yes_me_too · 1 pointr/depression_help

> I’m always there when he needs to talk about his feelings, I’ll go out of my way to make sure he knows that I care about what he’s feeling and thinking.

This is kind of off-the-wall, but I'd really suggest reading the five love langues book (or listening to the audio book), might not cure anything, but could give you another perspective. The reason I mention it is because the little blurb above sounds like one of the "case studies" out of the book. Then if you like it, see if you couldn't get your boyfriend to read the "for men" version.

u/ryken · 1 pointr/personalfinance

Is your fiance in the middle of planning a big wedding? If so, forget about all of this until afterwards and don't add to her stress. Best for both of you.

When you guys both have the mental capacity to deal with it, you should sit down together and talk about it. Whether you combine and what you combine is really a personal decision. In my opinion, what you do is not important at all. What is important, is that you guys communicate, create a plan that works for your marriage, and then execute that plan. You also have to follow up and keep talking about it the plan and how it's going and whether you want to make changes. Communication is key.

For us, we combine everything and look at everything as ours. We view it like a business. I put in more capital, but she puts in way more sweat equity, and in the end we both enjoy the dividends. That works great for us, but that doesn't mean it's right for you at all.

Also, it's not financial advice at all, but I recommend every soon to be married couple read "The 5 Love Languages." It has a totally sappy cover and sometimes the writing will make you groan, but I credit the advice in that book for the strength of my marriage.

u/taco_father · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

Back.

" I am also partly scared to be the crazy girlfriend "

Well, here is the benefit of the current situation. You are not his girlfriend. You are not going to call him and big him to take you back because that will lead to an unhealthy relationship. You should call him and tell him that you want to build the foundation for a healthy relationship. If he actually loves you he will agree to the time and hard work this will take.

The key problem I see here is he only understands the surface version of you. For example, you mentioned your childhood but he probably doesn't truly understand it. And on a subconscious level you feel that he does not understand it, thus causing what he calls being a robot. And I will be blunt, neither one of you "love" each other. You both have emotional attachments, you both have plans for each other, and you both want each other. But that's not what love is.

I love my wife. If my wife were diagnosed with cancer I would be by her side emotionally, financially, and physically until the end. When we lost a child we lost a child together. When we struggle we struggle together. And we don't always feel good, but we always choose to be together because love is an action. I decide to love my wife when it feels good and when it doesn't feel good.

You guys already have the first step (albeit in a bad way) of knowing that you want to be with each other. But you guys need to build a stronger foundation because you can have a healthy relationship. So on your phone call say something like "Hey, can you meet me at the park/Starbucks? I have some things that I would like to discuss with you regarding us". And run these things by him.

And I don't know your situation so I won't assume. But guys at least have to pay to get into a club and getting drunk off $5-10 drinks + the club entrance fee is easily $60. For that same amount of money you guys could invest in your future.

You guys could start with lunch dates reading:

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

https://www.amazon.com/Communication-Couples-Communicate-Effective-Relationship/dp/1074227042

If he says yes though, I would hold off on sex for at least 2 months. This needs to be about getting to know you and not getting in your pants.

u/Boogy · 1 pointr/belgium

I can recommend this book. It is a bit too focused on the traditional Christian nuclear family for my tastes, but other than that a lot of information in there is a great help. I don't know if just a book will be enough for you both, but I don't think it can make things worse. Good luck.

u/xthorgoldx · 1 pointr/AskMen

Just because you're LD doesn't mean you can't do gift-giving! Something I loved to do for my SO from time to time would be to give her little gifts - something I know she'd appreciate or enjoy, just as a sign that I was thinking of her, like a cheap meme shirt from some in-joke we shared or the like.

During LD, it seems harder to give gifts, since mailing's involved, but seriously - just plug her address into your Amazon account, and send her something from time to time. One of life's underappreciated joys is the thrill of getting a package in the mail you weren't expecting that turns out to be a thoughtful gift.

---

It largely depends on how your SO receives/expresses love, though. Shameless plug for Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages," most of the ideas of which you can find with a google search, basically there are five "languages" in which your partner both expresses and wishes to receive love: words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and gift-giving. While any expression of love can be received well, when you're speaking their "language" it will be particularly impactful. If you want to do something really meaningful for your partner, figure out their language and cater to it. Do they express their love with words, and thrive on receiving words in return? Send a love letter they can look forward to. Quality time? Try a cyber-date, be it a Skype session or maybe a co-op game of Portal 2 (would recommend even if you're not gamers :P).

u/ClaytonRayG · 1 pointr/polyamory

Alright, so most older books you can get on Amazon for rather cheap. I buy used because I'm a cheapskate and don't mind waiting for shipping.

A few of the books I've enjoyed. (In recommended order)

u/SomeoneYouDontKnow70 · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

Your boyfriend lacks communication skills, and communication skills are important to you. Maybe you're just not compatible with each other. For what it's worth, I don't think he's behaving this way out of malice; he just doesn't understand. He doesn't know what to say to make things better for you, so he stays silent. Possibly, he's a problem solver. Your uncle's illness is a problem that he can't solve, so he simply drops it. Your reaction to his silence is probably just as confusing for him as his silence is for you. You cryptically told him that he was being helpful, and then you blew up at him for not being helpful. I kind of identify with your BF. Personally, I don't feel like I had any semblance of empathy until the age of 25, and I don't think I was emotionally mature until well into my 30s. From my perspective women are simply emotional prodigies. As an older man I totally get why you're pissed off. I don't think my 23 year old self would have understood. Consider giving this a read: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X and have him read it as well.

u/Iron_Man_9000 · 1 pointr/AskWomen

Buy him the book "The Five Love Languages." He literally needs the emotional training.

u/tractordust · 1 pointr/tifu

You should both read The Five Love Languages.
It might open up some of the foundational tension you describe.

On the actual travel side, put out a few price alerts on sites like kayak.com; with a little flexibility, during off-seasons you can secure exotic locations with shoestring budgets and you'll both experience some /r/earthporn.

u/lustaholic · 1 pointr/bdsm

have you both read The 5 Love Languages?

there's nothing wrong with you each having different love languages. talk about what works best for each of you and your relationship will be far stronger and you'll both be happier.

u/davemchine · 1 pointr/AskMen

If you are doing things for your SO expecting them to reciprocate you will have a very long wait. Perhaps in your next life. Not because they are selfish but because they value different things than you. Read this book, it is very popular, https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

u/daggerdragon · 1 pointr/USMilitarySO

Link the thing, we're lazy! The 5 Love Languages Military Edition

Or if you want the regular version: The 5 Love Languages

u/TryhardPantiesON · -1 pointsr/marriedredpill

That garbage book is 4.8/5.0 stars on amazon, it's New York Time's Best Seller, sold more than 10 million copies, and has been translated to 49 languages.

You have to calm down a little bit there mate, it's just the internet. For your interest i won't further reply to you.

u/mynameisearlb · -4 pointsr/relationships

My girlfriend of a little over a year has recently been diagnosed with a mental disorder as well. Bipolar depression, and I have done a tremendous amount of research and have physically tried every single thing I am going to list here. I am a recovering drug addict with a very broad and comprehensive knowledge of varying medications.

The biggest thing that you can do for your SO is support her. I know this is going to be incredibly hard for you right now but the biggest thing that has helped us on an emotional level has been a book called The 5 Love Languages. Here's a link.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Now I am not just promoting a book here, but I am suggesting a tool that can be vital to you two getting into a healthy emotional relationship with eachother. Now onto the drugs..

The best thing I have found, in terms of efficacy and with the least amount of side effects would be

Kanna. It is an all natural Succulent that people dry out the flowers, crush them up and then ingest. My girlfriend and I agree that the most effective and least uncomfortable way to take this is by mixing up some of the leaves into a piece of chewing gum and chewing for a while. The next best route of administration would be Sublingual, ie puttin the plant matter underneath your tongue and holding it there for as long as you can stand.

Kava Kava. It is an ancient herb that will help combat anxiety and depression, and it also helps tremendously with sleep. You can get capsules from a health food store, just make sure to get an extract with a large amount of kavalactones in it, and you can find tea with it too.

Blue lotus. This is another ancient remedy for anxiety and depression, you will most likely have to get this online, but it does help you feel more relaxed and it really does work.

Kratom. This is an all natural plant that has been used in Thailand for thousands of years. It helps with pain, anxiety, depression and has lots of other benefits. There are hundreds of different active alkaloids. Anti-inflammatory, Anti-cancerous, blood pressure regulators, anti-anxiety, painkilling, and tons and tons of others.

Now on to the next things, the things that will have to be taken with a word of caution.

GABA. This can be found at a health food store and it is a natural chemical responsible for motivation, happiness, well being and more. Taking GABA supplements do not cross the blood brain barrier very well, but people still report that it works for them. It's fairly cheap and it might work for her, check it out.

Aniracetam. This is a drug that was developed as a treatment for Alzheimers disease. It is now sold online as a cognitive enhancer (nootropic) and an anti-anxiety med. Tolerance builds up quickly so taking it every few days would be recommended. Here's a thread about it.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/43dm0f/aniracetam_my_personal_impression_my_life_has/

https://corpina.com/aniracetam/

Now, here's my personal favorite, but it can be very dangerous in terms of physical dependence and withdrawal symptoms.

Phenibut. This is a chemical that works almost exactly like GABA in the brain, except it readily passes the blood brain barrier. This has been a godsend for me in terms of motivation, productiveness and fighting my depression and anxiety. This is the one she would have to be most careful about. Start with very low doses and gauge the effectiveness. 500mg to start and then wait. it takes a good 4 hours to kick in if you take it on an empty stomach. stay within the 500mg - 1500mg dosage range and never redose within a 4 hour period. This does cause physical dependence though. My advice for her would be to take it once every few days, or not more than 2 days in a row, with 3 days in between doses.

make sure to read this page about phenibut though.
https://corpina.com/positive-negative-side-effects-phenibut/

Let me know if you want a pdf version of that love languages book.

u/TheDarkHorse83 · -101 pointsr/AskMen

When did using your words become a problem for people?! Is she deaf? Then learn how to sign "I love you" and be fucking done with it.

Want more than that? Then learn their love language and do that. Don't know what I'm talking about? Then Read a damn book!