Okay here's the list. I spend some time on this. If you have any specific questions, let me know:)


***

On Composition:

Making Music: 74 Creative Strategies - Dennis DeSantis
Amazon Link
This is a fantastic book. Each page has a general idea on boosting creativity, workflow, and designing sounds and tracks. I recommend you read and digest one of the tips per day and really think about applying them.

Music Theory for Computer Musicians - Michael Hewitt
Amazon Link
Really easy to digest book on music theory, as it applies to your DAW. Each DAW is used in the examples, so it is not limited to a specific program. Highly recommend this for someone starting out with theory to improve their productions.

Secrets of Dance Music Production - David Felton
Amazon Link
This book I recently picked up and so far it's been quite good. It goes over all the different elements of what make's dance music, and get's quite detailed. More geared towards the beginner, but it was engaging nonetheless. It is the best 'EDM specific' production book I have read.

Ocean of Sound - David Troop
Amazon Link
Very well written and interesting book on ambient music. Not only does David go over the technical side and history of ambiance and musical atmospheres, he speaks very poetically about creating these soundscapes and how they relate to our interpersonal emotions.


***

On Audio Engineering:

Mixing Secrets for the Small Studio - Mike Senior
Amazon Link
In my opinion, this is the best mixing reference book for both beginners and intermediate producers. Very in-depth book that covers everything from how to set-up for accurate listening to the purpose of each mixing and mastering plug-in. Highly recommended.

Zen and the Art of Mixing - Mixerman
Amazon Link
Very interesting read in that it deals with the why's more than the how's. Mixerman, a professional audio engineer, goes in detail to talk about the mix engineer's mindset, how to approach projects, and how to make critical mixing decisions. Really fun read.

The Mixing Engineer's Handbook - Bobby Owinski
Amazon Link
This is a fantastic companion book to keep around. Not only does Owinski go into great technical detail, he includes interviews from various audio engineers that I personally found very helpful and inspiring.


***

On the Industry:

All You Need to Know About the Music Business - Donald S. Passman
Amazon Link
This book is simply a must read for anyone hoping to make a professional career out of music, anyone wanting to start their own record label, or anyone interested in how the industry works. It's a very informative book for any level of producer, and is kept up-to-date with the frequent revisions. Buy it.

Rick Rubin: In the Studio - Jake Brown
Amazon Link
Very interesting read that is a semi-biographical book on Rick Rubin. It is not so personal as it is talking about his life, experiences, and processes. It does get quite technical when referring to the recording process, but there are better books for technical info. This is a fun read on one of the most successful producers in history.

Behind the Glass - Howard Massey
Amazon Link
A collection of interviews from a diverse range of musicians who speak about creativity, workflows, and experiences in the music industry. Really light, easy to digest book.


***

On Creativity:

The War of Art - Steven Pressfield
Amazon Link
This is a must-read, in my opinion, for any creative individual. It is a very philosophical book on dealing with our own mental battles as an artist, and how to overcome them. Definitely pick this one up, all of you.

This is Your Brain on Music - Daniel S. Levitin
Amazon Link
A book written by a neurologist on the psychology of music and what makes us attached to it. It's a fairly scientific book but it is a very rewarding read with some great ideas.


***

On Personal Growth and Development:

How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie
Amazon Link
Although this seems like an odd book for a music producer, personally I think this is one of the most influential books I've ever read. Knowing how to be personable, effectively network, and form relationships is extremely important in our industry. Whether it be meeting and talking to labels, meeting other artists, or getting through to A&R, this book helps with all these areas and I suggest this book to all of you.

7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen R. Covey
Amazon Link
Similar to the recommendation above, although not directly linked to music, I assure you reading this book will change your views on life. It is a very engaging and practical book, and gets you in the right mindset to be successful in your life and music career. Trust me on this one and give it a read.

Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience - Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Amazon Link
You know the feeling when you're really in the groove of jamming out and all worries tend to slip away for those moments? That is the 'Optimal Experience' according to the author. This book will teach you about that experience, and how to encourage and find it in your work. This is a very challenging, immersive, and enlightening read, which deals with the bigger picture and finding happiness in your work and life. Very inspiring book that puts you in a good mindset when you're doing creative work.

The Art of Work - Jeff Goins
Amazon Link
A very fascinating book that looks at taking your passion (music in our case) and making the most of it. It guides you on how to be successful and turn your passion into your career. Some very interesting sections touching on dealing with failure, disappointment, and criticism, yet listening to your intuition and following your passion. Inspiring and uplifting book to say the least.


***


Phew. That was a lot of work. Hopefully you guys get some usefulness out of this list. This is put together after years of reading dozens upon dozens of books on these topics.


Enjoy!

Well this seems like a good opportunity to post a few of the lessons I learned in my 20s.

To my former self:

If you're depressed, here's how to turn it around

• Stop drinking, this is the main cause.
  
  
• Lift weights. This alone could also stop depression. It's likely related to low testosterone levels
  
  
• Fapping too much makes the depression worse
  
  Fap less, and never to porn
  
  
• Ejaculating too often removed your motivation to take actions and start tasks. You can consider porn like a poison for the mind. Pleasurable but it desensitizes you to all other pleasures, making life seem bland and boring. Until the only thing you want is porn. It perpetuates itself.
  
  
  Gratitude
  
  
• Whatever you are grateful for will grow
  
  
• Gratitude is the only way to be happy. If you think about what happiness is, it's appreciating what you have. When you think of something that would make you happy, you are imagining yourself appreciating it when you get it.
  
  Wealth
  
  
• You can have anything you want, as long as you create enough value for others first.
  
  
• To be wealthy, don't try and do tomorrow's work today, just have a successful day each day. If you have more successful days than unsuccessful days, your wealth will grow. As you have successful and productive days, opportunities will be attracted to you.
  
  Theories
  
  
• The key to success in any area is having the right theory. A small amount of work, or a massive amount of work, with the wrong theory, won't lead to success.
  
  
• With the right theory, success will be relatively straight forward. When you do the thing, it will basically work every time. Anything that has been done many times before, can be done yourself with the correct theory
  
  
• When most people speak of the 'years of hard work' they put in before they 'cracked the game', usually means they were laboring under the wrong theory, and then one day they found the correct theory, and when they applied it, it worked. (excluding world class athletes, talking about common things like starting a business or growing muscles)
  
  
• Theories can be gathered by spending tens of thousands of dollars on seminars or tens of dollars on books. Both can contain theories that work and theories that don't work. Higher cost definitely does not mean they have the right theory
  
  
• Some theories can seem like they are guaranteed to work, but on testing, actually don't. When someone says they have the right theory, it will seem worth any price. Often they actually don't. Beware. If possible buy their book and test it for yourself, it's just as good in book form.
  
  
• This whole list is a list of theories, as you can see, they are usually quite simple and easy to understand. Complexity is usually a sign the person doesn't really know how things work
  
  
  Girls
  
  
• You cannot make a girl like you, you can however find a girl who likes you
  
  
• They key to getting girls is to get in excellent shape (lift weights), dress well, and talk to girls until you find one that likes you
  
  
• If a girl is unsure if she you likes you, won't go on a date with you, or doesn't let you touch her in anyway. She doesn't like you. Find one that wants all those things. Don't be fooled by girls who seem to REALLY like you but doesn't have time to meet, or won't let you touch her. They do not like you like that.
  
  
• Hot girls are just as likely to like you as not hot girls
  
  
• If you like a girl more than she likes you, and she doesn't want to meet up/hang out/have sex. Let her go and move on
  
  
  Career
  
  
• It's very easy to get ahead if you just try, most people don’t
  
  
• You career will naturally progress just through normal learning, don't worry about it
  
  
  Flow
  
  
• If you want things to happen without effort and struggle, live a life with gratitude and presence. Things will seem to happen easily and naturally.
  
  
  Meditation
  
  
• Mediation gives you the ability to be your best. Very handy for improving at anything, particularly gaming, as you see more and learn more. It gives you access to creativity in solving problems and improving your performance
  
  
• Mediation allows you to 'stop the mind'. Do this if you're stuck in over-analysis
  
  
• To meditate, set a time on your phone for 20 minutes, sit still and don't move a muscle, and focus on your breath as often as you can. Your mind will try to stray, just focus on your breath as much as able. This is how you quiet the mind
  
  *****
  Edit:
  
  To answer some requests, here's my list of resources.
  
  Wealth/Metaphysics
  
  
• http://www.audible.com.au/pd/Health-Personal-Development/The-Science-of-Getting-Rich-Audiobook/B00FMUQVSI
  This audiobook has the best summary I've found of how wealth works
  
  Lifting
  
  
• https://stronglifts.com/5x5/
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Starting-Strength-Basic-Barbell-Training/dp/0982522738
  
  
• http://startingstrength.com/
  
  
• http://www.leangains.com/2011/09/fuckarounditis.html
  
  How Procrastination works:
  
  
• https://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html
  
  
• https://waitbutwhy.com/2013/11/how-to-beat-procrastination.html
  
  How Business works
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Personal-MBA-Master-Art-Business/dp/1591845572
  
  What innovation actually is and how to do it:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Innovation-Entrepreneurship-Peter-F-Drucker/dp/0060851139
  
  How economics works:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/How-Economy-Grows-Why-Crashes/dp/047052670X
  
  How to get things done:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-Stress-Free-Productivity/dp/0142000280
  
  Task Management tool:
  
  
• https://todoist.com/
  
  Spiritual Books
  
  
• Spiritual books won't make sense unless you've had an awakening, and you can't make this happen, it happens by chance/grace. If you have, anything by Eckhart Tolle will be amazing.
  
  How to be a man:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/1591792576
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Blue-Truth-Spiritual-Guide-Death/dp/1591792592
  
  Audiobooks (most of these can be found on audiobook):
  
  
• Audible.com
  
  Frame Control (Anytime you feel like you're trying too hard or begging for something, you lost the frame)
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Pitch-Anything-Innovative-Presenting-Persuading/dp/1501211811
  
  This is my favourite book of all. They talk about the new type of conscousness which is really really interesting to me. May not apply to all people.
  If anyone find this book interesting I'd love to talk about it:
  
  How the world works:
  
  
• https://www.amazon.com/Spiral-Dynamics-Mastering-Values-Leadership/dp/1405133562
  
  
• https://www.audible.com.au/pd/Spiral-Dynamics-Integral-Audiobook/B00FO5660E
  
  

A great place to start is to take these quizzes:

https://mojoupgrade.com/

https://bdsmtest.org/select-mode

BDSM is really an umbrella for many overlaping things, and these little quizzes can really be helpful to understand what kind of stuff you might be into, and what kinds of roles you're most drawn to.

After you take the Mojoupgrade quiz, you should have a list of exciting new ideas and things that might be fun to explore. If your partner also took the quiz (they totally should!), you might have one big list or two separate lists. Either's great. Use this to create a "menu" of stuff you like, putting some of the most exciting and 'want to try' stuff near the top. (Doesn't have to be perfect)

Next, plan out a scene. Look at the menus and pick, say, three things to try. Maybe choose a favorite of yours, one of theirs, and something you'll both like. But don't stress, you've got all the time in the world later on.

Have a fun, casual conversation where you talk just a little about what you're going to do together. "We're going to do x, then y, then maybe some z." Or whatever. Make it fun and playful, not super serious. This is called negotiation, and we typically do it "outside" or dynamics, meaning no-one is the dom or the sub during the convo, those roles come in the scene itself.

Decide on a safeword. An easy option is the 'stoplight system':

Red for "let's stop right now" and

Yellow for "I'm at my limit, we don't have to stop but let's take it down a notch."

Green means "all good, let's keep going."

(It's a two-word call and response: "Light?" "Green!" Super easy.)

Start the scene and try the things you discussed. Allow yourself to be a little silly and make mistakes if they happen. Strive for "most fun wins" rather than "I have to do this some specific 'right' way." It's okay to laugh; it's okay to take breaks, slow down, stop, or move to a less-intense thing than you planned.

Afterward, cuddle and spend low-key time together reconnecting. This is called aftercare, and it's critically important.

Later, talk about what worked well and what didn't work well, for next time.

Websites

https://www.xruniversity.com/ (free and great!)

https://www.kinkacademy.com/ (some free stuff, some paid content, all great!)

Books

I like The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book to get you started.

SM 101 is also a good place to start.

Reddit posts

Here are my favorite reddit posts for women who want to be dominant.

This is a great thread of simple ways to be dominant for beginners.

This is a great and practical guide to helping get a sub into subspace

ROPE BONDAGE ADVICE

TL;DR

Here are some great videos to get you started.

Here is a free online class when you have time and want to dive deeper.

Bondage - Online Courses

Crash Restraint an extensive, free, online rope bondage course. It can be a little tricky to navigate, and you need to make a free account, but once you understand how the site is laid out, it's really an incredible resource. If you wanted just one resource to take you from beginner to expert, this would be a great choice.

The Duchy, a chill rope bondage resource with free content, and paid content that costs $3-$5

Bondage - How-to Videos

Twisted Monk's How-To Videos Talks you through the ties out loud, which I find really helpful. (Also on youtube here.)

Two Knotty Boys How-To Videos Great basics, but a lot of the videos don't have verbal instruction, which I personally don't prefer.

Zed Ropework has a handful of good, clear videos on youtube

Watts The Safeword is a little goofy -- but that can be good! And their videos are simple and straightforward.

MorganThorneBDSM has some good beginner bondage videos (and a ton of other non-bondage BDSM content)

Epic Rope is low-key and enjoyable.

Bondage - Books

(Note, I linked to amazon but a lot of the books can be found MUCH cheaper elsewhere)

Douglas Kent's Complete Shibari: Land: 1 is my favorite, I think the instructions and photos are the clearest and most detailed, and there are a ton of useful ties.

Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage a beautiful book you could put on a coffee table, with tons of useful stuff, and steeped in history and culture, which I love. The line illustrations are, in my opinion, not as clear as a ton of photos would be.

Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes, a chill, fun, approachable book. The choice of ties is a little all-over-the-place, and it doesn't feel like an extensive course so much as a small buffet of options.

So this is a bit of an area of expertise for me. I'm actually a writing a book about communication and it is kind of a skills book, but not as you might traditionally think of one. I can tell you more if you like, but don't want to bore you.

​

Here's the thing with skills books when it comes to communication...most are ok, some are even good, but most are essentially the same...they put together some combination of "do these things" and "do not do these other things" and market you a book that ultimately isn't going to help you a whole lot...at least not to communicate better in the aggregate. (How to Win Friends and Influence People is an example of this.) I call these any "Do these 10 things to communicate better" books. There is no magic list of skills that if you just learn these things, you'll communicate better. Communication doesn't work like that.

​

That said, there are a few decent enough communication "skills" books out there that are worth your time. It really depends on the type of communication skills you're looking for...for example, there are books out there entirely dedicated to how to give a good presentation (say, at work). There are books on conflict resolution. There are books on persuasion. All of these, which I don't think is what you're looking for only give you part of a very big puzzle. As far as more general communication books there are a couple you might consider:

​

(A note that most of these are not likely to be at your local library, but if you as your local friendly librarian how to they could get you one of these books, they can probably easily help you. Ask! Librarians are awesome! Also, most of these should be available on Amazon for not much money.)

​

1. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
   Author: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
   A book with an overall good perspective. A little sappy and cloying at times, but in general the intentions are in the right place with this one. Could come off as a little bit squishily academic, but an ok read and a good perspective.
   
   
2. If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face?
   Author: Alan Alda (From M*A*S*H, The West Wing, and much more)
   I'm actually reading this book right now and it is a funny take on Alda's life and work and he relates his stories through (and about communication). Alda is actually pretty smart about communication and comes at it differently than most anyone else on this list. Funny and witty, what you might expect from such a great actor and comedian. Definitely worth reading.
   
   
3. Simply Said: Communicating Better At Work and Beyond
   Author: Jay Sullivan
   More about work than other contexts but good advice overall. I only skimmed parts of this one so can't speak to every aspect, but appeared to be decent enough quality when I reviewed it.
   
   
4. The Art of Communicating
   Author: Thich Nhat Hanh
   Different from the others on the list, this one is written by a Buddhist monk who takes a more spiritual view of communication. It is a good philosophical approach. I found parts of this book enlightening. It is not scientific-ish enough for me and it makes no claims to be. It is a philosophy book on communication, but an easy, accessible read and worth your time.
   
   
5. Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High
   Author: Kerry Patterson
   A good enough book if you're looking to navigate conflicts/difficult conversational things at work or in relationships. Deals more with the challenging aspects of communication, but for what it is, good enough advice.
   
   
6. How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships
   Author: Liel Lowndes
   Similar to the book above, but more about making conversation with people. As far as these types of books go, this one is ok enough and actually has some good advice on things to try when attempting to communicate with others.
   
   
   Books like Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, which comes up when you look for communication books should be avoided entirely. That book, and other books like it, are trash. You might as well get your advice from Cosmo.
   
   
   Sorry for the length here, but like I said, this is an area of expertise. I hope you found this helpful. I can answer questions about any of these books if you like.

> I really appreciate your reply and I'm inspired by the success you describe in your relationship.

I'm happy to have inspired you! May your relationship continue to grow and be successful as well.

> It's also hard for me to remember that there is no "BDSM" but many type and flavors which can be dictated and dealt with by each person every time. I felt that being a "submissive" meant I should go totally passive. This I realize now doesn't have to be the case.

Yes, even if it is hard for you to remember, you seem to definitely have a handle on it from an intellectual standpoint - that's good! I really highly recommend you check out The New Bottoming Book if you can. There is a really great blog post titled Bottoming Skills which is just chock full of really great information for you as a bottom as opposed to a submissive.

What your BDSM looks like will probably not look like what other's BDSM looks like, and that's a good thing, because it's your BDSM!

> I can't tell you how relieving that is!

I am so happy to have lifted some weight off your shoulders. It might help your partner if you let him know a little bit about your initial confusion and subsequent dread at the idea of being completely passive in the manner you found others describing. Then, tell him what you see yourself acting like, or at least that you'd rather try just being "natural" and seeing how you react!

> One thing you made me think of is this - when he encourages me to read and research and find out what I like, he makes it seems like it's up to me to determine it when I would like to navigate that together.

Actually, as I said, my kitten and I ended up going through (in terms of a survey) the human sex map together. I tried to have her do it on her own, but it was a little overwhelming for her due to the huge range of things and so many things she had never heard of to boot. So, we went through my map together and surveyed the blank map having her ask questions about anything she was not sure what it meant. After that, she was able to complete her own list of likes, dislikes, and do not wants. The same process should work with a BDSM checklist, I imagine.

> What do you think is a good way to phrase that? "Hunny I want us to read together?" Is there a way that might illicit a positive response from him?

I'd say the best way to elicit a positive response with him should be just short of brutal honesty.

So, rather than (clearly exaggerated, I know you don't think this way necessarily) "I was worried you didn't love me because it seemed like you wanted me to be a passive submissive slave, which I don't feel like I am or want to be and you know exactly where you can stuff that!"

I'd suggest something just as honest but less harsh (compared to that) along the lines of, "I was somewhat naively worried you didn't love me for me because while researching submissives I found so many descriptions of passive women who just aren't me. I love you and I've tried my best to get into it, but I'm just not feeling the whole passive/submissive thing right now. In fact, I really don't know what I am into, or the full range of what you are into. Some crazy folks on the internet suggested we spend an evening going through this human sex map thing or a BDSM checklist together and discussing. What do you think?"

Okay, probably a little long winded and I am sure it doesn't sound like you but it covers all the main points, which I think are essentially you were worried, but now aren't as much because you realize you have the freedom to be yourself and just need to figure out what exactly that will mean!

Best of luck to you and we'd love to hear back from you later with an updated topic whether it goes well or not. Of course, we trust and hope it will go very well!

It's tough to offer any kind of advice for your situation because you talk in a lot of generalities.

However, my wife and I have struggled quite a bit over the last few years and it sucks. I feel like things are getting better, but there are always mis-steps even on the up-swing.

If your wive really has checked out, there's not much you can do. It takes two to make a couple.

However. You can work on yourself. In so doing, you might find that it helps your relationship. Or it might not. But even if your relationship falls apart, you will be in a much better space to cope with that and move on -- as difficult as it seems right now.

So, here's my suggestions ... things that I have been doing and reading over the last couple of years that have really helped me.

1. Stop looking at all the things she is doing wrong. Focus on what she is doing right. This is tough and requires a huge shift in thinking and an even bigger thinking around letting go of your ego.
   
   
2. Every day do something to show some appreciation for someone in your life. One person every day. Say thank you and tell them what they mean to you. This will help you focus on more positive things overall. Include your wife in this, though she doesn't need to be the focus of this every day.
   
   
3. Be honest with yourself and her. Can you give her what she wants. There are some things that I just can't give my wife. And some things she can't give me. How important are these things? And are there other ways to get them?
   
   
4. Adopt a meditation practice. Download the Headspace app. It has a nice introduction to meditation. It has helped me immensely.
   https://www.headspace.com/
   
   
5. If you don't exercise, start. Personally, I enjoy weight lifting. Try Strong Lifts if you can. It's a simple program that will show fast results.
   http://stronglifts.com/
   
   
6. If you don't eat healthy, start. There are so many diets out there. Even if you just start eating smaller portions and cut out snacking, you'll see some positive results. That's where I started. I eventually started doing the Alt Shift Diet. Yeah, you can call it a fad diet or whatever. I don't care. It works for me and that's the key -- find a diet that works for you.
   http://altshiftdiet.com/
   
   
7. Read How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk. Great advice that applies even when you are talking to adults.
   https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568476&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk
   
   
8. Read People Skills. This is a great book on active listening and conflict resolution. Helpful in so many situations.
   https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X
   
   
9. Read this post and some of the posts that follow it. Incredibly insightful
   https://np.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/538uat/mismatched_couples/d7r5hys
   
   
10. Read Never Split the Difference. Another great book that is geared more toward business negotiation, but has been a great help in my personal life. I can take the time to understand someone else's perspective without letting go of mine. Also great to help assert myself better in my relationship. His description of active listening was also helpful.
    https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended/dp/0062407805/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568493&sr=1-1&keywords=chris+voss
    
    
11. Read Come as You Are. A great book on women's sexuality specifically, but it's really about sexuality in general. It's backed by a lot of research. Has a lot of insight into human sexuality. Great reading. Helped me understand myself and my wife better. (Goes beyond the typical High Libido and Low Libido stuff that I always found less than helpful.)
    http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1436544375&sr=8-1&keywords=come+as+you+are
    
    
12. Do stuff on your own. Go out with friends. Go to the movies by yourself. Make sure both of you get breathing room away from each other.
    
    
13. Be honest. If you feel something tell her. You don't have to be mean. But do be honest. "You are making me angry right now, can we talk about it later when I have calmed down." "Your tone sounds rude and condescending. Please talk to me like I am an adult or we can wait and talk later." This one is tough and statements should be made from your perspective rather than made as statements of fact.
    
    Anyway, those are my suggestions and have helped me immensely. Take what you think will work for you. Ignore the rest.
    
    Best of luck!
    

>I don't want to make this a huge story. I am someone that once had the word "atheist" tattooed to me (later got it covered up). But for some reason, God had mercy for me. I don't know why. He, I believe, and I cannot say with certainty that it was most definitely God, but something very majestic appeared to me, like nothing you've never seen before. And slowly, I was led to Jesus and taking faith in Jesus as my savior.

​

Amen!

​

>You guys probably don't believe me.

​

Why wouldn't I believe you? Many of us here have seen God do amazing things in our lives.

​

>So now I am reading the bible, and I find out that sex outside of marriage is truly a sin in the eyes of god. I've asked god to bring me a good wife. But there's a part of me that wonders if it's even possible to find the kind of woman I truly want.

​

It IS possible. Our FOR SINGLES section of the Sidebar has many articles that can help you vet well for a quality Christian woman.

​

>My mother is basically as good a woman as you can get. She is a devout christian. Lost her virginity to my dad. Very loyal, empathetic, and submissive.

​

You should read No More Mr. Nice Guy. It will answer a lot of things for you.

​

>When I hear stuff like that, it just makes not want to ever bother with women again.

​

Well, the New Testament makes it clear that the Single life is preferable for those who can live it. Doesn't sound like that's what you really want though.

​

>Because I can't stand the thought of some women taking my wealth into account. I am wealthy, and the thought of a woman taking that into account when dealing with me just brings enormous anger within me.

>The point is I want to be loved for my essence, not my money. The point is we make a choice to love each other and we have faith god will help take care for us as we need. Don't have faith in money, have faith in God.

​

Then show yourself to be a guy who has his act together and is stable financially, but keep the extent of your wealth private until your wedding night.

​

>I'm just venting, I guess. There's no where else to really talk about religious stuff. If I talk about religion with my friends, they think it's funny I am now a Christian. They rather listen to Elon Musk about us living in a computer simulation. That's their god.

​

That's why we're here. This is a perfectly appropriate place to discuss these things.

​​

>I'm just wondering if anyone has found a woman that doesn't care about money? I've hung out with a lot of girls, and somewhere along the line, they slip up and you see how much they care about money, even when they initially claim they don't care about money at all. I just can't take it.

​

My wife is very frugal. I'm the spender, she's the saver. If it wasn't for her we'd never have any money, but if it wasn't for me we'd never have any fun. It's a balance, but I see what you mean. You don't want a girl to marry you just so she can take advantage of your wealth.

​

The best way to ensure this is to make sure she has a good, solid, genuine faith.

Please do not interpret what i'm about to say as me being an asshole (although I often have been accused as such). I'm trying to help, rather than bullshit you with the equivalent of a participation trophy or a motherly pat on the back.

I'm stating this with love (although it is tough love): If I've ever seen someone that needs r/TheRedPill, its you my friend. I'm not saying that you should become an asshole or be disrespectful to women, but rather that you should focus on building yourself up in the same style. There is absolutely the capacity to be an alpha male within you. And that's what women will find attractive consistently. I'm not saying you should become a macho chump poser that demeans and disrespects women (that's not what a real alpha male does anyway), but rather that you should identify and adopt the characteristics of an alpha male that women find attractive and craft your own new persona. Root out the JW mindset and adopt a new one. Got me?

Its time to work on yourself rather than working on trying to get laid. Its time to grow a pair of balls. Now, rather than simply saying "grow a pair of balls", let me try to help and give some recommendations of how you might go about doing that.

Get a gym membership (maybe check and see if your university has one that you can use free), and try the Starting Strength program. See here: https://www.amazon.com/Starting-Strength-Basic-Barbell-Training/dp/0982522738/

Starting strength will make a man out of you. One tip: Don't use the smith machine. Use a real squat rack. Yes, its required. Yes, with barbells.

Read this book too, its a real eye opener for reading people (including women): https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723/

Read up on affirmations, how to make them and use them, and start using them DAILY, maybe even more often than once a day. You probably don't need a book to research this, a simple google search will do. Harness the power of positive self-talk.

The words you say to yourself in your head or mutter to yourself quietly when nobody else is listening have a huge effect on how you view yourself. And by extension, others (especially women) can sense how much value you perceive that you have, and often will treat you in accord with that value you project.

>My date was kind of rude as she actually took a phone call from her male friend within the first 10-20 minutes of the date, I think she was even flipping through Tinder as we were talking.

This should have been an early warning signal letting you know that she wasn't worth your time. She didn't value your time and presence (and that is likely because you didn't establish your own value to her).

>Of course my problems only make me feel worse as one of my roommates is like extremely fit black young Hugh Hefner. This guy fucks all the time, like weekly.

That is fucking hilarious lol, but I really sympathize with you. I'm sure its torture that he's getting laid every night and you have to listen to the fucking. Is this guy friendly towards you? Is he willing to help with your issues? You never know, he may take some pity on you and help you to work on yourself a bit. Even if he isn't, pay attention closely to his attitudes and interactions with women and with others wherever you can. Don't try to be an exact copy of him, but watch for attitudes, words, and actions that he manifests that feel right for you, and that you could adopt into your own new persona.

>I feel especially shitty as "technically" I'm not a virgin because I fucked who I thought was going to be a women through MeetMe, but it turned out to be a transgender dude, my fault I guess as further inspection of the photos made it more obvious. I was going to leave but I was persuaded by an offer of a blowjob. I figured this was the first time I was offered anything sexual and I was under a lot of family related stress at the time so I said fuck it and got a BJ, and had to reciprocate him in the backside.

This is some 4chan shit right here, so allow me to present the appropriate meme: http://www.lememe.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/55556666.png

Don't beat yourself up too bad. Its behind you, and you never have to do this again if this type of hook up is not your style.

>So apparently finding a dude that wants to fuck is incredibly easy, finding a women in my case is like hunting for the holy fucking grail.

Yes, that's the honest to god truth when you don't project enough value to others. The only people you attract are people who are as desperate as you are.

>Don't get me wrong that all I want is sex, yes sex would be awesome, but I'm not afraid to be in a relationship, but at the same time I'm not going to turn down a hookup.

This screams desperation. You need to drop this mindset immediately. (Again, affirmations will help with this)

>My philosophy is just honoring whatever dating arrangement I agree to with a person, I have no religious reasons.

Again, desperation, compliance, submission. These traits will not attract women - at least not desirable ones.

>I tried talking to some women at parties, asked one to dance and she said no, even though she was standing against the wall not doing anything...

Again, you projected a lack of value, she judged you on the surface because of the lack of value you projected, and shut you down.

>...asked another how she was doing and she said good and that was it, and I had a little more luck at my last party as I got to help a girl with her Microsoft Access homework, we high-fived and were both wasted. I asked her if she was single and she said yes, but that she was just visiting and was going back home in a couple of days, so I just shook her hand and said it was nice we met.

That didn't mean she wasn't DTF my friend. She may have just been waiting for you to move on her. Lots of times, women are waiting for a man to confidently take charge when it comes to initiating sex. I'm sure nobody ever told you that (hell, nobody told ME that!!), but it is often true :)

>I'm giving this college thing one more semester before I call it quits. I'm not going to get another degree if it requires me to be miserable and single for another 3 years. I mean I'm charting into 30 year old wizard territory at this point and it scares the shit out of me. My friends have been trying to get me to move to Florida and I just may take them up on the offer.

Changing your location without changing your mindset is not likely to make a significant change to your circumstances. Although, it could offer you the opportunity to a fresh start, which could be helpful :)

>Any advice would be appreciated, I just feel the cult has taken a huge chunk of my life away when I was supposed to learn valuable social skills. I feel like a fucking child or an alien learning how to be human, even though I have been out of the cult for quite some time now, but have really only been away from toxic family for four months.

Yes, that's probably what happened. And its up to you to change it. Nobody else is going to do it for you. So stop wallowing in your own misery and change it. (Respectfully, with tough love, man to man.)

>My plan for next semester is joining some clubs, going to bars, and going more parties, and trying to strike up more conversations with women in class getting a gym membership, working on your self esteem and your ability to project your value to the opposite sex, and learning how to interact with women in a way that makes you attractive.

>If nothing happens in the second semester I'm just going to say fuck it and move, I'm at a point in my life were I'm tired of going out to eat by myself, shopping by myself, watching movies by myself, and doing everything else by my fucking self. All I did this Thanksgiving was sleep and get drunk. I've read all those articles about "loving yourself first", this isn't a problem about loving myself, I didn't do anything wrong. I'm just so fucking sick of being alone, I don't have a family, I have no one close to me.

I feel your pain man. Now is not the time to give up, but it is time to change your approach.

No no no. Don't do what he said. Unless you're dealing with a girl that radiates "quirky".

The first reason? It could be seen as a beta move where you look away first. Like you're nervous. Then she dismisses you for being a beta bitch.

(edit: the use of "beta bitch" is getting a lot of flack. Obviously, people do not like the phrase. To me, "alpha" and "beta" refer to what a person finds attractive and unattractive. Which changes person to person. I have a friend who loves confident guys. If she makes eye contact and the guy looks away first, she loses interest. She wants a guy to hold eye contact, to challenge her. That doesn't mean a guy can't reignite interest. But eye-contact is her quick test. Some girls might HATE eye contact and think a guy who won't look away is too intense. And a guy who looks away is normal. To this girl, eye-contact guy is beta and less-eye-contact guy is more alpha. There are people who think me using the phrase "beta bitch" is beta. Where someone who says, "Just be yourself" is alpha. That's fine. But there are people who will say, "I would be myself, but I don't know what to say or do?" All I'm trying to do is provide a way to analyze the "is she checking me out" situation in a way that is as alpha/beta neutral as I can. Of course, saying "Hi" and acting natural can work and often does work. But there are plenty of times in a bar where you can go up and say "Hi!" and the girls want nothing to do with you. Not even because "they suck" or "are awful people not worth your time." Just because they're out and don't want to have to deal with dudes trying to hit on them. As someone with a lot of friends that are girls, it's painful to hear about and see how much they are approached and end up coming off as rude because guys are overly persistent. What I described here is what I have found to be the simplest and least invasive method of gauging whether or not a girl is interested.)

But say she doesn't see it like that. Say it works. She looks at the ceiling because she saw you look at the ceiling. Where do you go from here? Do you go up and say, "Hey, I saw you look at the ceiling too?" Do you just walk up and say, "Hi." What if she says, "What did you look at?" Or "Why did you look at the ceiling?" What are you going to say? "Uh. I don't know?" Or do you say something "witty" like "Checking the weather." That's just fucking weird. I mean, sure, there's probably a way to recover and move beyond this moment, but you're starting from a weird and limiting position. Worst case scenario is she doesn't say anything at all and just dismisses you as a weirdo.

Best case scenario is she's quirky and attracted to you and thinks this is a meet-cute and you're in. It can happen. But I would guess a success rate of 1 out of 30.

What you should do is check her feet. Body Language 101. The feet reflect the attention of the mind. If you're talking to someone and their feet are pointed at you, they want to be talking to you. If you're talking to someone and their feet are pointed at someone else, they're focused on that person. If their feet are pointing at the door, they want to leave. (see this book).

Next time you're just standing around in public, check where your feet are pointing. And pay attention to the feet of other people.

I've used the feet method to hook up with a number of girls. Here's what you do.

Look around the bar or party or wherever and see if any girl has a foot (or feet) pointing at you. If yes, move a few feet away. Not far enough to where you're out of her view, but enough to where she would have to adjust her foot. If her foot adjusts and points at you again, yes. Or you notice it later in the night: yes.

If you're comfortable in the situation, like it's a house party and you know a lot of the people, you can go up and introduce yourself. Ask if she and whoever she's talking to needs a drink or something. Walk away. That way you've broken the ice. You can check later to see if the girl has her foot pointed at you again. If so, you go back up and start the flirtation. Or it might be on from the very beginning.

The first time I used this, I was at a house party. One of my friends was talking this girl up, but her feet were pointed at me. I moved. She adjusted. I went up and asked my friend a question. The girl immediately introduced herself and began asking me questions and laughing at everything I said. My friend wouldn't leave. I mentioned wanting to go to the kitchen for a snack. She said she could use one too. Away we went. (In case you're concerned for my friend, he was okay; actually, he apologized for not realizing what was going on and leaving on his own.)

If you're at the bar, you don't have to do a straight approach. But you can close proximity. Usually by having a solid wingman or two. You would notice a girl looking at you. Check her feet. Her feet are pointed at you. You would finish you drink. You and your wingman/men go to the bar. Get more drinks. Be deep into conversation as you come away from the bar. Casually near the girl/her group but not as though you're approaching her. Head near her as though on accident. Stay engaged in the conversation. Stop walking to have the conversation. Laugh. Hold your own in that spot. The conversation can slow and now you're just in that spot. This position affords you many opportunities. The girl can now get your attention. Or you could overhear something her group is talking about and get involved in the conversation. If you're feeling real good, you could just transition to the group with a simple "Hey. My beer tastes awful. What are you all drinking?" and slowly work to your target. Be sure to check her feet. If they want to talk to you, they'll respond to your question. If they don't, they won't. The question doesn't really matter. Imagine DiCaprio breaking the ice with a group of girls. They won't give two fucks about how he starts the conversation because they want to talk to him. If girls don't want to talk to you, a clever line might win them over. But if they do want to talk to you, you don't have to try hard or do anything fancy. The important thing is not to bore them.

Some of this might sound complicated. But it's really not. Once you get used to it, it's very simple.

(edit There are people who claim this isn't natural. Social interaction is a skill, just like anything else. Dribbling a basketball can seem unnatural, but once you do it enough it becomes natural. Same with this. When described in a such a way, yes, it sounds forced. But if someone were to describe their "natural" approach in a self-reflective manner (and not just, "I don't know man, I just do what I do."), it would, I suspect, sound unnatural and calculated. In one comment, someone mentioned "hoop jumping". Whether you like it or not, hoop jumping happens. Some guys actively do it. Others don't think about it. But every romantic interaction is an escalation of hoop jumping. "Talk to me." "Let me touch you." "Touch me." "Let's kiss." "Let's spend time together alone." Every friendship is hoop jumping. Every social interaction is hoop jumping. Some people might be great with hoops and it comes "natural". Others have no idea. But once they become aware and practice using hoops, they can become natural and then romance isn't so hit or miss.)

Oh, if you're at a club--god help you. Just take shots and dance as though the world were ending.

----

I hope the above edits helped clarify. I'm not trying to be a monster. Yes, this is a huge block of text. But social interaction isn't easy for everyone. There are a lot of people who won't care about anything that I said. Which is fine. But there are some people who might learn something. So I went into detail. I know how lost I was when I was a freshman in college. I would have appreciated this information. I don't believe in "Game". I think canned routines are gross. That negs are gross. That AMOG-ing (being the alpha male of the group ("alpha" in the classical "dominance" sense this time)) is gross. I'm all for being yourself. But that doesn't mean "yourself" isn't flawed. If there's something I believe in more than "be yourself" it's "better yourself". Learning how social interactions work--why you were successful or unsuccessful--is part of that process.

Here's hoping I learned how to write a better Reddit post.

Ah yeah, you’re in a tough part of the melee journey. Serious enough to be invested in results, not good enough to get a ton of positive feedback. Good enough to identify weaknesses, but you don’t quite yet have a framework to solve these problems. Good enough to have others put expectations on you / talk about your play style but not quite good enough to refute haters or have your point of view heard. You’ve been playing long enough that you can see how far you’ve come but you also start to realize just how far you really are from the top.

It’s easy to get discouraged from here, especially with what seems like a decently large skillgap between you and the next guy up and what seems to be a fairly toxic community wherever you are. At your skill level it seems like you can grind out tech skill and still see a million errors in your play. You can improve a bunch and not really see progress in how far you place in bracket. Even if you do really want to put in the effort to improve it doesn’t seem clear where exactly you should focus these efforts.

My advice is to start to really appreciate the journey every step of the way. Yes, this is a tough part of it, but learning to overcome this spot you’re at both skill wise and what you have to admit has become a bit of a mental barrier will provide tremendous benefit to you. Learn to focus your effort to be more productive, to see benefit in your training in ways other than counting how many times you SD in a match. Hard work pays off. Not always in the most obvious ways, but trust me when I say that if it feels like you aren’t benefiting from practice you need to either re-evaluate how you practice or re-evaluate how you measure progress. Enjoy the process of practice, finding things to work on, improving those things and repeating the process. Enjoy the journey of self improvement that this provides you.

I can tell you that you have nothing to worry about in terms of “learning the game backwards,” I’ve personally always been a proponent of focusing on tech skill first before neutral game but at the end of the day there is no roadmap to getting good and there is no easy way to reach the next step. The only universal truth is that you get out of it what you put into it.

And don’t worry about people calling you lame. “Playstyle” is something people obsess a lot that isn’t a very useful thing to think about when gauging your improvement. When I was quite a bit worse than I am I was called campy, reliant on lasers, I used to be called the backwards facing Falco cause I “only use Bair / Utilt.” People like to assume that your playstyle in a certain way because that’s how you intend for it to be but in reality these are all just steps on your way to having a more robust style. There are a LOT of things to learn about this game and if you’re getting pretty good at a certain style that they like to call lame then feel free to take pride that you’ve got understanding in one part of the game but remain humble in that you know there are many other parts of the game to learn. Not because they’re “less lame” but because you need to expand your knowledge base to improve. Next time you get called lame just say "that's ok I'm just trying to get better." Honestly style is overrated at low levels cause realistically nothing is cool at low levels, just get good then you can shut em up later.

Lastly I can’t overstate how helpful these two books are relating to this type of stuff. If you’re dedicated to sticking to it and seeing how far you can go / what you can get out of melee then I highly suggest you read both of them!

Good luck dude.

Inner Game of Tennis by Timothy Gallwey

Online pdf:

http://www.tinapse.ro/home/coltul-indrumatorului-coach/resurse-materiale-instrumente/W.%20Timothy%20Gallwey%20-%20The%20Inner%20Game%20Of%20Tennis.pdf

Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Inner-Game-Tennis-Performance-ebook/dp/B003T0G9E4

Art of Learning by Joshua Waitzkin

Online pdf:

http://www.nordiccentre.org/downloads/The_art_of_learning_waitzkin__josh.pdf

Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Art-Learning-Journey-Performance/dp/0743277465

Thank you so much for your note, and insights.

I believe that I'm doing all of the right things, as well. However, to avoid physical and psychological burnout, which is both painful and unhealthy, and to mitigate my perfectionism, I need to reduce the volume and complexity of my program of introspection, healing, and physical/psychological strengthening.

If I don't, the good things that I'm doing will periodically become bad things, every week, or two weeks, or at best, once a month.

My most recent burnout was intense, and lasted eight days.

In any case, your description of my internalized shame, and how it has manifested is accurate. And it was difficult cutting a number of people out of my life abruptly, and seemingly permanently, but it was necessary.

In the near future, I hope to forgive and make amends with a number of people, though I do not necessarily want to rekindle any past friendships or relationships. I simply want to forgive others, once I go through the process of forgiving myself, which is an ongoing process.

You are also accurate of your description to my inner state and inner monologue, when people ask me, "what's new"? As far as the few friends that I'm close with, who are also artists an entrepreneurs, I can answer honestly, when I speak to them. However, I simply cannot connect on the same level, with some of my friends who aren't artists or entrepreneurs. They don't have the same level of passion and creativity within their lives, they don't know about the ups and downs of working on creative projects within a professional context, they don't know about the fear, despair, and ups and downs of entrepreneurship, they don't know how hard I work in comparison to them (in terms of the sheer volume of hours put in), they don't know about the financial turmoil of not know where your next cheque is going to come from, and they don't know about the shame of living at home with your parents in your early thirties.

As far as continuing on path, you are right; I have to keep going. I simply need to continue down the same path, with humility, with balance, with equanimity, with far more breaks, with far more stillness, and with compassion for myself and others.

You are also right about me dating on the higher end of the appearance spectrum. I went to an arts school with many beautiful women, the university that I went to has a reputation for having many beautiful women which supplement its partying culture, and working in the arts and entertainment industries has caused me to be surrounded by many beautiful women for the vast majority of my life. The combination of the previously-mentioned environments, alongside perfectionism and my other insecurities have caused me to predominantly seek incredibly beautiful women, and unfortunately, it has also caused me to put them on a pedestal. Clearly, that hasn't served me, in regards to experiencing intimacy and connection, within the context of a meaningful, long-term, romantic relationship.

I fully agree with this sentiment, of yours: "Our self-concept becomes conflated with that person, it triggers and manifests are inherent state of emptiness. To feel complete and to remove that anxiety we have to acquire that person. The problem with strong attractions is that they are largely based on insecurity. A confident person does not get infatuated, for the most part anyways."

It describes my codependency, within romantic relationships, within potentially romantic relationships, and within my career.

I have obviously employed a number of tools and experts to mitigate some of these issues, and one involves reminding myself that it's unwise for me to look up to anyone, it's unwise for me to look down on anyone, and it's unwise for me to compare myself to others.

I find that when I enter a relationship or potential relationship with a lot of anxiety and neediness, and with a lot of emotions that I would associate with the confusion, fear, and anger of my childhood experience, it's a sign that I am out of alignment, that I am putting the other person on a pedestal, and that the whole thing will fall apart in one way or another; whether it's through my own self-sabotage, or the other person moving away from me.

Thank you for describing the distinction between healthy attractions and unhealthy attractions, and I hope that in time, I will be able to make the distinctions, and I will be able to see red flags much sooner. I am improving, but sometimes it takes a few weeks, a few months, or even longer to realize how far out of alignment I am, and that I am reenacting maladaptive childhood patterns.

However, outside of my insecurities, and needs for external validation, is it so wrong or maladaptive for me to be attracted to beautiful, sexy women, as a straight man? If I can connect to that strong attraction in a way that isn't needy, and that is grounded in mature sexuality, and non-attachment, wouldn't that be a beautiful thing, especially within the context of dating?

Last winter, I did try dating a woman that I wasn't particularly attracted to, and it didn't go anywhere, simply because she didn't turn me on. There wasn't that romantic spark there, and I couldn't get into her, despite all of her great qualities. So, idealizing the most beautiful women is unwise, but having little to no sexual chemistry doesn't work either.

In the meantime, it's important that I avoid burning out through perfectionism, because when I do, I enter a place of deep shame, anger, and isolation, and my cortisol and other stress hormone levels become unmanageable.

This leads me to have sex with escorts, and to eat far too much junk food, and I want to avoid both. They provide a fleeting form of relief, and contribute to the hamster wheel of shame, anxiety, perfectionism, and the need for control that I have been on, for a long time.

In addition to everything that I have been doing, and the multitude of tools that I have at my disposal, I started working in a more balanced way, as of yesterday, and I am currently reading the following books:

"Tao Te Ching" by Laozi: https://www.amazon.com/Ching-25th-Anniversary-English-Mandarin-Chinese/dp/0679776192

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW

"The Power of Full Engagement" by Tony Schwartz: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Full-Engagement-Managing-Performance-ebook/dp/B000FC0SWS/

"The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" by Marie Condo: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing-ebook/dp/B00KK0PICK/

Hopefully they will help, and I will also read your blog post, right now. I will comment on it, via a message.

Thanks again! I really appreciate your insights.

Other people here may think this is silly, but I don't.

I totally understand, as I have at one point in my life derived exactly that from sleeping around (never when I was in a relationship tho). It does make a big difference in this area.

There are, however, other ways to obtain self-confidence and self-esteem. This may also sound silly to a lot of people, but one of the things I did was buy a motorcycle, and let me tell you, there's very few things that make me feel like so much of a man as zipping past heavy traffic in the commuter lane, or splitting lanes, reducing my commute time by 50%. Sex does the same thing, especially when I'm being dominant. My current girlfriend likes and encourages me to be dominant in the bedroom, and let me tell you... nothing like finishing inside her (she's on the pill) after I've called all the shots, told her that she's my woman, and done everything I've wanted to do to her. It's extremely validating when, in the moments after, she cuddles up next to me, looking flushed and satisfied, and confident in me as a man. It is possible to obtain part (but not all) of your self-esteem and confidence from one woman alone--you just need to be able to express yourself fully and have her absolutely love it the way my girlfriend does.

Anyhow, it sounds to me like in your current relationship you might not feel comfortable expressing your yourself/your manliness, or may be you're just not comfortable with it at all, even outside of a relationship. It's possible that your girlfriend has issues with expression of yourself/manliness and so you are conditioned away from expressing it. Been there in a previous relationship so I know this can seriously effect your self-esteem and confidence. Talk to her about it--most women "secretly" (or not so secretly) want a partner who's manly and dominant in the bedroom and usually out of the bedroom too.

To save your relationship, you need to find a way to express your manliness in a non-sexual way--whatever way works best for you, be it a motorcycle, sports, power tools, martial arts, or whatever creative and unique way you come up with on your own.

I'd also recommend seeing if you can try being a bit more dominant in the bedroom too, or at least expressing yourself fully and passionately. Once you get comfortable with it, chances are she'll enjoy it too. I'm lucky to have a girlfriend that openly wants me to be dominant in the bedroom--she makes it clear that she wants it so I don't have to worry about offending her. (A lot of women these days..)

Finally you need to determine what being a man means to you... There are two books I'd recommend: Way of the Superior Man (a great book with a stupid title) and Real Men Don't Apologize. The former is somewhat spiritual in nature, the latter appeals to a wider audience. Get the audio books if you need to--I did. Some people may think these books are full of misogyny, but in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. They are more about finding your identity as a man, and part of that, both books emphasize, is respect for women and the light they can bring to our lives.

Addendum: I also wanted to clarify: you cannot get all of your confidence and self-esteem from sleeping with a lot of women. Do this too much and it'll become addictive and ultimately lead to a loss of confidence and self-esteem. (Been there, done that!) You need multiple sources of confidence and self-esteem, sex and feeling desired by other people can only be one of the ways you obtain these things. Otherwise, the pursuit is ultimately fruitless and empty. It seems great at first, but after a while, you'll end up hating yourself far more than you would have otherwise.

This is all advice from a 36 year old male who's never been married and has slept with a lot of women. Trust me, it's not all its cracked up to be.

Hey friend
Thanks for sharing and your vulnerability.

Would you believe that I can actually relate to you? I can in more ways than you can imagine. I was celibate throughout my 20's because I was religious. No fapping...no porn...no sex. I love sex! But I was told bad things would happen if I had sex by religious leaders and believed them. Later I got married to a woman I wasn't attracted to for religious reasons too. It is a common theme for much of my life. 5 years ago I was going nuts. I had never had good sex and I wanted it so bad. This wasn't possible with my wife.

I stared seeing prostitutes. At first it was the best thing in the world. I could have sex with beautiful woman and I just had to give them money. But I soon realized I longed for connection more than sex. When I realized that I couldn't get that connection with a prostitute I started having ED too. Embarrassing is an understatement. I feel you there. But it was because I was wanting to connect on a heart level and I needed a relationship where I felt safe to do that. I wasn't living in my truth and was living to try to fit into what I thought everyone else wanted me to be instead of saying, "this is me! I love who I am! I may be weird and some of you may choose to ditch me because they don't get me. But those who choose to know me will find that I have a heart of gold and will be my friend for life."

Cheating on my wife with prostitutes is not a "heart of gold" act. I wanted I make that clear. But I told my wife everything and we got a divorce.

After I was free to explore I did. People had questioned my sexuality for years. I never felt gay but I thought I might as well give it a try. I tried it a few times and couldn't get into it. I now know from experience that I am straight. But if I wasn't that would have been cool too.
I think it's awesome that you are "man" enough to explore your sexuality. You should be proud of that.

I love that you spend time in meditation. 40 minutes a day is great.


I have a some specific advice for you that I think might help a lot.

There is a book called the magdalen manuscripts. It is about sacred sexuality and sex magic. It is like merging sex and meditation. I think that you are having such a hard time with sex because your guides don't want you to waste your time with shallow sex. They want you to experience the best sex possible. I can tell by your writing that you have the heart to have this kind of sex. Not everyone can do it. It takes the ability to meditate and a gentle spirit which I see in you.

Here is what I recommend and I want you to know that I am doing the same thing now.

Get the book and read it. Or even better read it with a girl you want to explore sacred sexuality with. I met the most beautiful woman the other night. We talked and really connected. She gets back from a trip on Saturday. I am going to ask her to read the book with me. We will read it to each other and then practice it together.

I would even be open to staying in contact with you and comparing notes. I am new to this too but I know that it's real and it had not yet hit the mainstream yet. Oh but trust me it will. I have ideas :)

Either way. I wish you well. You are not alone and to me you are a beautiful example of a human being trying your best to figure this life thing out. You are on your way.


Here is a link to the book
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/193103205X/ref=redir_mdp_mobile

And here's another
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1591792576/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1372806050&sr=8-1&pi=SL75

Not sure if you're only looking for fiction or an entertaining read, but here are some "self help" books which have blown my mind and have had a huge impact on my life for the better. I wouldn't personally call them "self help" books, but rather, books for everyone seeking to improve themselves and learn how to make a happier life for themselves and others. Please don't be put off by the nature of these "self help" books - a few years ago I was of the belief that these were only for social retards and people with psychological issues, but I've since learned that these books can pretty much improve the life of anyone in the world in some way. Some of the things I learned in these books were so profound I had to put the book down in shock just to process it all.

Vital Lies, Simple Truths by Daniel Goleman

This shows how everyone (including yourself) will always see the world subjectively according to their own personal experiences and bias - whether being conscious of it or not. It'll really show you how to read more into interpersonal relations and develop a far better insight into how people (and perhaps even you) think mentally. Of course it's human nature for people to think they're perfectly rational, but this book shows how to recognise how people will subconsciously deceive themselves into seeing the world as the mind wants to see it.

The Definitive Book of Body Language by Barbara and Allan Pease

As the title suggests, this shows you how to read into body language. This really blew my mind - with this you will learn how to read FAR more into people and more effectively project desired attitudes of your own onto others. This will teach you things that most people are totally oblivious to, and yet, by understanding body language you will be able to tell so much more about people from it - this has taught me how to find out what people are actually thinking.

How to Argue & Win Every Time by Gerry Spence

Don't be fooled by the title - this book is not so much about arguing as it is about getting what you want with people and in life. Written by one of the world's best trial lawyers, it'll teach you how to more effectively communicate and connect with others in order to get what you and others want. At first I was averse to reading anything from a lawyer, but he really surprised me on this one - it was a hugely entertaining read and his words were some of the wisest I've ever read.

Comedy Writing Secrets by Mel Helitzer

This will teach you how to be funny! Of course, this sounds stupid and one might think that this kind of thing can't be learned, but I promise you that no matter who you are, if you read this you'll become a far more interesting person.

I don't know if these were the kind of books that you were looking for, but I hope this comes to some help to at least one Redditor out there. It's just that all of these books have greatly improved my life, and I wish I could have found these earlier. Plus it'd be nice if people would give more heartfelt suggestions on where to find more books like these - hope this helps =)

Sorry if this list is a bit long, this is kind of an obsession of mine. No one source is really all encompassing, but each one offers a different point of view. They also may seem like slightly odd choices, however I have found each one very useful when it comes to understanding how people work. If you want a more streamlined set of sources just use every other link. (I don't know how well these work if you have any sort of innate understanding of body language, but they are excellent for beginners).

Tricks of the Mind - Derren Brown - This isn't the sort of book you would imagine when looking for body language guides, and in fact it doesn't even scratch the surface of how complex our bodies are. However it does contain what I consider to be the most important thing when learning to read people, which is the concept of relativity. Lots of sources give set actions and ascribe to them a meaning based only on the movement, but people are so wonderfully complex that this doesn't work all the time. Derren instead comes up with the concept of relativity - the idea that everybody has their own baseline for body language, and that in order to read body language effectively you need to take into account the divergence from this person's normal body language instead of just looking at their actions in a vacuum. It's also a fascinating read throughout and cites numerous other books you can use if you want more sources.


Changing Minds - this is a very good resource for looking up on any one area of body language you feel you may be rusty on, as opposed to a complete guide. Everything is organised by mood and then by body part, so you can focus on whatever you want. It also covers many other related areas and little tricks for surviving interpersonal relationships.


The Game - Neil Strauss / Fastseduction - Again, odd choices for someone looking to learn how to read body language. These are more of a meta-read than actual sources on body language, as they don't go into body language in much detail at all. Honestly I wouldn't recommend these at all if it weren't for another concept that is introduced through them called Inner Game. Inner Game is about taking all the information that you have gleaned from days surrounded by words -all the actions, routines, and painfully memorized sequences - and inserting it into your daily life, with the aim of having them completely internalized and instinctual. In the book Strauss goes to some crazy pick-up gurus and gets hypnotised over the course of a weekend to try and improve his Inner Game, but honestly that's not necessary. I feel that the concept is very much related to the phrase "Fake it 'till you make it" - just as the man looking to become more confident must put on a façade and keep confidence in mind at all times until the adopted mannerisms become habit, if you want to read people you have to pay attention to everything around you and compare it with what you know. After a while you will find that it takes less and less time to understand what a particular stance suggests, and eventually you won't have to consciously think about it at all. So yeah, not very good for body language outside of one specialist area but excellent for state of mind. There may also be a seduction community on reddit, though I couldn't speak for their body language resources.

Peoplewatching - Desmond Morris - This is one of the single greatest books ever written. It was originally released as Manwatching in the late 1970s and is a staggeringly useful guide to body language. It looks at human behaviour through a zoological lens, giving it a more sterile feel than the more well known guides, but covers everything perfectly. This is I feel the perfect introduction to the subject, covering what body language conveys and speculating on how it came about without attaching too much meaning to any one gesture.

The Definitive Book of Body Language - Allan + Barbara Pease - This is almost an obligatory mention. I don't like this book. It's undoubtedly an excellent resource on the subject, and covers most topics in a nice, well-ordered manner, but I can't bring myself to like it. It has something to do with the attitude of the book I think - right from the title the authors try and place themselves somewhere up above normal humans, and the entire book has an underlying air of condescension combined with complete confidence that what it says is 100% correct and a corresponding smugness. It is also guilty of the worst crime possible (aside from the aformentioned certainty) when discussing body language, which is dressing up speculation and correlation as fact. The book is littered with speculation on numerous topics that are stated without any nod to the fact that it is in fact speculation, such as the line 'Henry VIII popularised this gesture (pursed lips) as a high-status signal because of his small mouth and modern Brits and Americans still use it'. Here I opened the book to a random page and read the first sentence I could. This sounds like an excellent fun fact except for the complete lack of evidence, and this is repeated on every single page of the book. So, while it is an excellent source for body language, please read it with an open mind and salt at the ready.



There are probably hundreds of books and websites I've missed, but hopefully those should help a bit.

Edit: As mentioned above Lie to Me and the Mentalist are good as TV goes, but I might recommend Psych over both of them just because of the way it deals with it - there is some body language stuff in there to pick up on (occasionally), but mostly it's just a hilarious and spectacular show.

Part of my divorce was what you describe - and my ex is not living "a happier" life.

I do understand your position, and you probably feel underappreciated or alone..... but you need to also try and give your husband the benefit of the doubt ($1000s in therapy and that was the best advice - it is simple and true). He too is working and exhausted, he too needs love and attention..... He too needs to escape (TV or other distractions).... And these times are difficult, children are difficult. You should ask yourself how he has changed, has his dream of an "authentic life" really disappeared? Probably not, he is just getting up and working to make sure the house is over your head and food on your plate. He probably has shifted his view of the world as well, kids will do that.... He probably wants to see your kids have the best outcome - and that might not be a tiny home, home schooled while driving around the world... He probably is trying to make sure there is stability in their life.

Have you gone on a date with him recently? Have you tried to talk with him and work on your physical relationship? Have you tried? Marriage is hard, and divorce will not make it easier and the courts will definitely reduce your "dreams of an authentic" life because they only care about consistency and predictable future for your children.

Another "$1000s advice from marriage therapy", you need to create positivity in your relationship. It does not happen naturally, it is work and it is intentional. Stop expecting from him and stepup to create a better relationship for you and him. A healthy relationship needs 4 out of 5 (generic #s) to be successful. If you have more negative, then you will have a unrealistic and unhealthy belief your husband is a "problem".

Marriage is tough, mainly because you are doing things out of love. Being a mother is tough, because you are constantly being selfless (and fatherhood is the same - he too is giving up on dreams and being selfless)....try reading 7 principals that make a marriage work (link below), it is a interactive marriage book for couples.... And you would be surprised at how not unique your marriage difficulties are, at how "textbook" your situation is.... A lot of people struggle with your exact issues and situation.... A lot of marriages end do to the transition from "ideal love" to "fuck: kids, work and family are taxing in life".

And... To counter your issues, ask yourself how "free" your life will be when you are single and working to stay a float. Having to do 100% of your life work and planning... Trust me, that dream of a unique life will be harder to accomplish. How unique will it be dating again, trust me it is not that cool and unique having 1 night stands and being disappointed over and over again.

Try and talk with your husband about your dreams and needs, and ask that he really listens to you.... And then you need to drink a dose of reality and be patient. Life will happen and give both of you time to reacclimate to life as parents.

But, honestly... if anything, try to work on your relationship... It is the easiest and most rewarding work you can do. There are great resources out there. If you choose therapy, be judgemental and picky because there are bad therapist out there. The tpey of therapy that I appreciated was EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy). It is research based and focused on bad habits.

Here is a start:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://www.amazon.com/dp/0609805797/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_mAQuDbWNFBMXB

Take care, you can do this! Because, being loving and supportive parents and not divorced is a unique life... Try to change your perspective. (But don't run away from your dreams, just plan and live them out).

My son is 5 months. The best reading will depend on who you are, your life experiences, and what you are looking for. This is merely a list of books I've read between shortly before his birth and now and have given me a lot to think about as a man, a father, and a husband.

• The 5 languages of Love
  
• No More Mr. Nice Guy
  
• The Myth of Male Power
  
• Siddartha
  
• Living Nonviolent Communication
  
• Nonviolent Communication
  
• Punished By Rewards
  
• Unconditional Parenting (in progress)
  
  Also regularly reviewing information from CDC on Developmental Milestones. Great advice on what to watch out for and when, including what to childproof how and when.
  
  I wasn't going to write a summary, but now that I look at the list, It deserves some context. So, one sentence quick blurb per book in order, my take away thought from the book.
  
  
• What makes you feel like you are expressing your love may be different than what makes your partner feel loved -- know the difference and let it be an ongoing conversation.
  
  
• Be honest with people about your feelings good and bad with everyone you care about -- they are equally a part of who you are and you are cheating yourself and others when you don't.
  
  
• Be mindful of how you invest your time and energy. Money / career is great, but it CANNOT substitute for being present in the life of your family.
  
  
• Your child is not a continuation of your legacy or life lessons. They will not be born having learned from your mistakes. Knowledge (what you have to share) is no substitute for wisdom (what can only be gained from personal experience).
  
  
• Our culture does not emphasize need / feelings based communication.
  
  
• Empathy is something to be studied and practiced if we are to have or communicate good emotional well-being.
  
  
• Training kids into approval-seeking behavior is highly overrated and has perverse consequences.
  
  
• Nearly every parent may love their kids unconditionally, but is that what kids are really learning through your behavior?
  
  Anyway, not trying to claim these are the best books for everyone, but I am very grateful for the insights I gained from reading them. Happy to share more if you have any questions about them. Hope you find a selection that inspires you and that you never stop seeking more great books to read. Best luck and congratulations on your journey. :)
  
  

Words out of my mouth. With the isolation thing, I have found some like-minded individuals who I can chill with from time to time to fall into worthwhile conversation and debate. Tending to be INTJs, (not like that matters), the fresh insight and alternative perspectives that they provide make me value another's company and appreciate some relationships. Still, my amount of solitude is ridiculous. I love it, but can make me feel inadequate and ashamed when around others. A quote (from the movie Hot Rod... I know) I like to remind myself of: It's only embarrassing if you care what people think.

In terms of thinking spirals, the incessant flow of my thoughts was actually what led to my exploration of the world of intoxication. This could numb my head for a while, but believe it or not I quickly grew to miss my constant internal monologue. It's part of who you are as a person, and hey if anything it keeps things interesting.

The depressive and anxious states can be closely correlated with the constant analyzing (duh) due to the exhausting nature of such thinking, but the two are much higher correlated when negative thinking patterns have etched a strong synaptic path in your brain. Back in June I finally realized just how wholly and severely this subconscious negative spin had on my mental, emotional, perspective, and social states. Remember when you were a kid, and you'd swim in a circle in the hot tub to make a whirlpool, then suddenly try to swim in the opposite direction? That is literally (yes literally) how I visualized my thinking spiral in my mind, deciding to try to push against the current and shift my thought patterns into the opposite direction. I began reading up on not only how to shift my thinking into a clockwise direction, (get it, like counter-clockwise is negativity because you keep going back and cluttering your mind with thoughts of the past), but also why to make such a shift. Show me the statistically significant evidence and I'm in.

It's been almost four months to the day now; I've had multiple people comment on how positive, optimistic, and upbeat I am, which I find utterly hilarious. I haven't had any sharp dips in emotion, I am better able to focus my time and energy on the task at hand, and I feel almost as if I have a clearer lens on my perspective of life. It isn't even a conscious thing, which was exactly the goal. In fact, this is the first time I've thought about this in a number of months. My reflex response now moves in the clockwise (wise ha) direction of thinking. Looks like I've finally reversed the swirl of water in my whirlpool!

I'll link the sources that helped my mental shift if you want. This is really long I'm going to stop now. As much as I feel I can never properly express myself, this feels good to write it out. Thanks for that.

Edit: Hope I don't sound like I've got it all figured out. Just sharing a small victory that has had slight yet significant benefit on my life.

Edit: SOME THINGS I'VE FOUND HELPFUL: (I can't give full credit to any one thing... ultimately I just held it in the back of my mind as a goal, subconsciously acting on it)

• Mind Over Mood (workbook) by Greenberger & Padesky
  
  
• Meditations to Change Your Brain by Hanson & Mendius I highly recommend this audiobook. It allows for guided meditation... convenient and helpful. The only breakdown of the chapters that I've found is here
  
  
• On that note, Mindfulness Meditation aka Compassion Training (found in some chapters... want to say Ch 5 or 6? of the audiobook linked directly above)(the gist of it)[http://youtu.be/AKKg3CDczpA?t=23m33s]
  
  ^^ These have been most helpful to me.
  
  
• The entire lecture by Richard Davidson as also linked above is a great watch if you have some time
  
  
• The Emotional Life of Your Brain by Richard Davidson
  
  
• Words Can Change Your Brain by Newberg & Waldman
  
  
• The connections between mind-body-mood which I learned about via a CBT clinical psychology course... This is helpful for understanding just how much influence your thinking has. this is the gist
  
  
• the whole field of Positive Psychology check this out or this
  
  
• Verbal Tics That Define Us and How They Spread to Others
  
  
• The Power of Suggestion
  
  
• Can't talk about pushing for self growth without this... The Dark Side of Self-Improvement
  
  
• Ignore the title of this - I personally like this article for how neatly it organizes our levels of thought. A recent post and thus a recent read, this article has made me more aware of when I'm experiencing "primal" negative patterns, allowing me to cast such indulgent and immature thoughts aside much more easily. A longer read but WOW is it worth it.
  
  
• okay I actually just came across this website but it's actually really relevant + free + seems cool based on my 3 mins of exploring it
  
  
  
  From there, I think it was a mix of past knowledge and (some of) the sources I mentioned above, as well as random other readings and conversations. I want to continue linking things but I must go study. Here's a science of happiness research article dump (stolen from Happify): http://my.happify.com/research/ . Or just go to http://my.happify.com/science for scaled down summaries of some of these (have to make a free account first I believe... worth it).
  
  
  
  Y'all looking at this list I made I'm frustrated because I can't pinpoint one specific source that pushed me from contemplation into action. Hopefully these resources in addition to your own experiences will be enough for at least one of you to make a significant and lasting change.

I meant what's the point of saying what you did but I'll run with the conversation for a minute and elaborate. This may be much longer than I intended and I'm going to go do something soon so bear with my rushed thoughts. I'll give you some advice. It's possibly contradictory to a lot of the advice you'll read various places, and it might not make sense but roll with it for a minute. It's also possible I won't talk about Overwatch specifically at all.


Honestly, Gold is no better. You're just putting it on a pedestal in some sort of "grass is greener on the other side" thing. You're going to get there and be like, "these guys kind of aim better but they have to be even bigger idiots". Then you're going to want Platinum where people might be fun and more cooperative; once you get there, you're going to realize that it's still awful.


Let me take a step backwards and leave Overwatch for a minute. This book kind of talks about it, but when you're trying to learn a game or sport that is played in a competitive atmosphere, it is absolutely impossible to stress how important the fundamentals are. Fundamentals absolutely, by far, the most critical thing to work on and improve upon. Gimmicks will only take you so far and ultimately will stunt your growth.


This is apparent in Chess. There are hundreds of openings to learn, various tricks, traps, and other gimmicks. The Soviet Union absolutely dominated the international Chess scene for decades. Their school of Chess or approach was heavily focused on learning endgames. If you can't play properly with just four or five pieces, what can you do? Fundamentals are that important.


In StarCraft 1, Koreans dominated the game, way more heavily than they seem to in Overwatch, way more heavily than they do in League of Legends, and way more heavily than in StarCraft 2. How did they do it? They don't rely on rush strategies, tricks, or other gimmicks. They're absolutely fundamentally, mechanically strong. They just win against worse players because they're better. The details are an afterthought. Fundamentals are that important.


I see you post in Basketball subreddits. When NBA teams, the greatest Basketball players in the world practice, they're not playing real games. They're mostly doing drills and working on fundamentals, exercises, drills and very likely reviewing how other teams played recent games. Fundamentals are that important.


If you're trying to lose weight, it's actually really simple. Consume less calories than you burn. If you're at a caloric deficit, over time, you will lose weight. Don't look for trick diets, gimmicks that will allow you to still eat like a pig, etc. 70% of weightloss takes place in the kitchen. Fundamentals are that important.


Now, actually cutting back to Overwatch for a moment:

Why on Earth would it be any different? It isn't. Play better and you'll climb. Play worse and you'll fall. It's that simple. Yes, there are gimmicks, there are tricks. Find people to coordinate with and queue together. Avoid certain hours of the day when players are better on average (More applicable at higher SRs). For a few days, maybe a hundred games, you'll climb. Then you'll get stuck. You'll come back to reddit and you'll look for the next gimmick. Don't do that.



What to do instead:


The first thing you need to do is stop worrying about SR. Your SR absolutely does not mean anything. Nobody cares if you're 1500, 1750, 2000 or even 3000. It really doesn't matter. SR is a currency you spend to play against better players, and also a currency worse players spend to play against you. You know how sometimes you put money in a vending machine and the snack gets stuck? That's getting a leaver or someone throwing on your team. Shit happens. Don't let it ruin your day.


The next thing you need to do is stop giving a shit about your teammates. Don't worry about them. Climbing a ladder is never about individual games but rather consistency against a field of players across numerous games. The only thing consistent for you across numerous games is you. That's all you need to worry about. Anything else is a distraction.


The third thing you need to do is break Overwatch down to its fundamentals. Examples would be things like aim, ult usage, situational awareness, positioning, ult tracking. The heroes you play do not matter. The team comps you play them in do not matter. Work on those. People you're playing with and against have no understanding of the basic fundamentals of Overwatch. You have no understanding of the basic fundamentals of Overwatch. Work on those. As you start to get better at them, you'll climb.


You know the saying practice makes perfect? Absolutely 100% not true. Perfect practice makes perfect. There's something called deliberate practice and it's the fastest way to get better. Focus on one or two things at a time and just worry about practicing those. Get better at that and move on to something else. That's kind of where a lot of these tips and advice tidbits come from. Pick a small set of heroes, work on the fundamental skills such as aim and positioning, and you'll get better.




In summary (here's some very specific overwatch advice):


Pick three "simple" heroes. Do not play Hanzo/Windowmaker because they're complicated and somewhat different from the other characters. Do not play Tracer or Genji, they're mechanically challenging and and honestly, you simply can't play them well. Sombra is an edge case but I'd say don't play her. Don't play these five characters, ever.


Tanks: Pick one or two of Reinhardt, Winston Orisa(?). D.Va would be also fine.


DPS: Pick one or two of Soldier, McCree, Reaper.

Healers: Pick one or two of Mercy, Zenyatta, if you're really special, pick Ana. I'm completely unfamiliar with Moira, I can't comment on her.


You now have 3-6 heroes that are fairly "simple". Start playing them and focus on the fundamentals. Focus on the basics of Overwatch. Don't be toxic in chat. When you're higher SR you can start considering things like team comps etc and start working on more complicated heroes. The Windowmakers, the Tracers, the Junkrats etc.


I can almost guarantee you'll both be far more consistent and quite possibly pushing diamond by the end of this season or next season, depending on how much you're able to play. No tricky gimmicks, no fad diets, no shortcuts. Just strong fundamentals and you'll improve faster and peak higher than almost anyone else you come across in your competitive games.

Hope that helps.

I'm know I'm late to the party, but I'll share a brief story.

A few years ago I went on a weekend trip with some really close friends (we were 2 guys and 3 girls). We rented a cabin in a warm town, went to the pool,went for drinks, nice trip overall.

During a game (some dices with tasks to do to other players, just not the spicy ones), one of my friends got tasked with complimenting me. After a minute of thinking she told me I'm a nice guy. I wasn't sure why but I felt offended at that and it stuck in my head for a while.

After some thought and research, I found the book No More Mr Nice Guy (100% recommend it if you feel you are nice to people and don't get recognition for that).

Basically, sometimes when I thought I was been "nice", I was been manipulative from other's perspective. I expected others to return the favor and be nice to me without me making that clear; in my head there was a sort of contract between us after I did something for them, but only in my head. It seems like it should be common sense that I want others to be nice to me; but common sense is the least common of senses.

It's possible to be too nice. Offering help to people makes them feel indebted, which some don't like, and if I'm not clear what I expect in return, it can also make them uncomfortable. I used to go out of my way to find ways to help others, particularly if it was a girl I like, and didn't understand why they didn't like me back. I now know that being nice and feeling attracted to someone are not mutually inclusive; and people can resent you if you don't communicate properly what is it you want from them. Getting mad at other for not understanding doesn't help either.

​

From the book I learned that being nice and trying to fix other people's live so they'd like me are very different things. You cannot make others happy, you can only make yourself happy and share your happiness with others. Tough in all honesty, it still takes some effort to put into practice. Pay more attention to becoming a happy person, you can attract more people into your life.

​

I'm not sure if my situation is close or not to yours, but the lesson is you can still be nice while also paying less attention to being nice to others and instead being nice to yourself first.

You're exactly the sort of person who will eventually stumble into the seduction community. You could do worse, but first, some warnings...

1. It's like any other group: A belief in self-superiority because of knowledge that the public at large does not have that they regard as valuable. That doesn't actually make them any better.
   
   
2. Do not start playing a character. Of all the advice, all the routines, all the lines, there is no substitute for having an actual personality. Yes, you can pretend to be someone you're not, but that means whenever you're around that person, you have to pretend to be someone you're not. How long can you keep that up for? You're not a secret agent. Be yourself, but be the best version of yourself.
   
   
3. Be prepared for the arms race. You are now in competition with many other men (dozens at a party, thousands to millions in your city, billions worldwide). You are going to win some and you are going to lose some. Be prepared for both. In your case, it's winning that's going to be harder to deal with: It's the unknown. Embrace the unknown.
   
   That said...
   
   > How do I overcome my inexperience?
   
   AndyNemmity said it: Practice.
   
   > Should I ever tell women that I'm inexperienced? (I tried this once and it might've put her off.)
   
   I would say, yes, you should; if nothing else, when asked, but I don't recommend bringing it up. This is really your call. Different people will react in different ways. It's going to take some time to learn what those ways will be.
   
   > What should I do about my emotions showing up like yesterday?
   I think my self-esteem problem comes from my inexperience, but is there anything I can do specifically for that problem?
   
   You are not going for 100%. You are going for 5%. Out of 20, 19 are practice. Act on your emotions as soon as you get an inkling of them. Regret lasts so much longer than rejection.
   
   > I'm starting to use dating sites. Do you have any ideas for my circumstances? (Maybe I should look for a short-term relationship, or more women in the 18-22 range, or older women?)
   
   Every word counts. Give people something to build on. Make sure your profile has lots of things to talk about. You are awesome. You make awesome into a verb. Be as positive as possible: Nothing has ever gone wrong in your life.
   
   When you reach out to someone, make sure that there's something obvious to respond to. Ask an open-ended question about their profile. "Hi, how's it going?" is good enough in real life, but sucks online.
   
   > Is it wrong for me to turn down interested women? (Like the "love" case above, but maybe I should just do it anyway. That doesn't seem fair to anyone.)
   
   It might be right for you. This is something only you can decide. Is a relationship with this woman an improvement in your life? Maybe, maybe not.
   
   > Should I learn/accomplish/do something to stand out of the crowd?
   I try to strike up a conversation before asking someone out to get some comfort in learning a little about them. Is this a bad approach? It probably limits my options.
   
   If you have everyone's attention, you are making an impression on anyone you might be interested in. This is a two-way street, so while it's powerful, be careful.
   
   You should have something interesting to talk about. Otherwise you're just one of the masses, and blending in isn't going to get anyone's attention.
   
   I'll also mention that you might consider getting one of your female friends to set you up. This is likely to be a lot less game-playing. Maybe you want to play games; games are fun, after all, and you probably don't want something too serious right now. You probably don't even know what it is you want. If you do know, tap into your social network.
   
   > If I'm the one keeping a conversation going (by asking questions, introducing topics, etc.), how likely is it that she's not interested?
   
   Very likely, but that isn't your fault. We live in a self-centered society. The best you can manage is pay attention to the things other people say (do not talk to just girls; talk to everyone), and tie back into it later. Someone who is actually paying attention will be genuinely surprising.
   
   On the downside, then you may well become the bored one.
   
   > Are there any books that could help me? Assume I've never read any on this topic.
   
   It sounds like the major issue you're having is picking up on signals. For that, I would recommend starting with The Definitive Book of Body Language; skip to chapter 15, but read the whole thing. I've also seen advertisements for You Say More Than You Think but haven't read it; that might be useful. Really there are any number of body language manuals out there. Read at least one, preferably more.
   
   Consider reading either some of the book by Leil Lowndes (in particular, I'd recommend How to Talk to Anyone), or The Rules of the Game; both will get you started just talking to people. I would favor Leil Lowndes' work just because she seems less sketchy (though she did co-write a paper with David DeAngelo).

I know this sounds batshit crazy, the turning point for my social anxiety was finding the pickup community. Yes, that same group of creepos obsessed with getting laid and wearing funny hats to "peacock". Believe it or not, there's more to it than cheesy pickup lines. I actually found it when I was googling "how to build confidence". Take a quick look at /r/seduction and read some of the sidebar and see if it's your thing.

Although the focus of the pickup community is on sleeping with lots of women, 90% is just glorified self-help (it's hard to sleep with girls if your shit's not together). It's not for everyone though, but if you want it to work it really will. Also, although 90% of your progress socially comes from actually going out and talking to people regardless of your fears, some reading couldn't hurt. These are some non-pickup resources that I found helpful when getting over my social anxiety:

• How to win friends and influence people - A great book on the basics of interacting with people. It's seriously a classic; even my mom has read it. This is what got me started on working on my social skills and may be one of the most helpful. It's simple, effective, and will for sure help you make smalltalk with strangers.
  
  
• succeedsocially.com - A website with a pretty good collection of articles about developing social skills. I personally haven't found it majorly useful since a lot of the information on the site is covered in pickup material in one way or another
  
  
• What Every BODY is Saying - A good book on reading body language--essential when interacting with people.
  
  
• No More Mr Nice Guy - A very informative book. If you're one of those people who wonders how people (especially girls) can ignore how nice you are compared to other men, or if you feel like you are always walked over, give this book a read. Hell, even if you don't feel this way give this book a look, you'll definately find some parts that resonate with you.
  
  Then some of that PUA shit that I have found useful (The italics are ones that will be helpful whether you follow pickup or not):
  
  
• Models by Mark Manson - This is actually borderline pickup. The author used to be the author of one of my all-time favorite pickup blogs, though he recently moved past the pickup community.
  
  
• Magic Bullets - A structured how-to on how to pick up women. This is one of those PUA books that's really pickup-y. If you're severely against pickup, I would skip this one, although it is pretty respected.
  
  
• mASF Player Guide - The fastseduction.com player guide. A very comprehensive guide of most of the concepts involved in pickup. I'm currently working my way through this, and it covers things pretty well.
  
  
• /r/seduction - Our very own seduction subreddit. Unfortunately, some people find the subreddit to be a little squemish about some of the less glorious parts of pickup. Still, you can get some self-help value from the sidebar. I personally don't follow it any more, though.
  
  
• Vin DiCarlo Escalation Ladder - Another one dedicated to picking up girls and very little to self help, but helpful nonetheless. If you're hitting on a girl, you've gotta touch her, and whenever someone asks about how to do it, people point them to this pdf.
  
  If some of the books seem expensive, remember that this is the internet. It is VERY easy to torrent these books, but I would rather not link to them just to be sure my post won't get messed with. Don't read too much either. It's a lot more fun to read about being social than actually doing it. Don't fall into the trap of always reading and never doing. Also one more thing about pickup, watch out for people who have no experience. A lot of people give advice on what to do without actually having experience themselves. If someone hasn't been around the block a few times, don't listen to them. Always try something out before you decide whether it's good or not.
  
  Regardless of if you take the same path as me or not, remember one thing: By putting an effort into putting yourself into situations that you find socially stressful, you will become more confident. For example, the first time I tried to make smalltalk with the cashier at the store, I nearly crapped my pants. But by now it's second nature. Just keep putting yourself in places where you are scared and you'll get over it.
  
  Good luck!
  
  EDIT: Added a few more pieces of reading and rearranged a few others

Hi there, was going to DM you, but since I'm including links that may be useful to others, I'm posting as a comment. Apologies if it's a bit rambly, I'm really short on time and actually bookmarked this from y'day, but I'd rather reply with a ramble than postpone, if you're suffering!

I had depression in my 20s and it was terrifying - I didn't want to wake up either (didn't want to die, but wanted to be in a coma for a while so as not to have to deal with the gaping emptiness). I can hand on heart say now it was the best thing that ever happened to me - I had to face a lot of demons and I always think of it as it being like I was a rickety house that I was good at patching up, but it wasn't stable and when it collapsed I had to rebuild it (i.e. myself) almost from scratch. My self esteem was basically very damaged, but not totally - so most people thought I was confident and outgoing; and I often felt like I was. (Nothing's ever black and white!) It's hard to fathom how different I feel now to then; believe me when I tell you you can't even begin to imagine how wonderful your life can be when you work through this. I worked my way to good mental health by studying lots of stuff including CBT, self development, philosophy, and life coaching books.

A year or two later I ended up on anti-depressents because my sleep was still horrendous and I was acutely stressed at work - but because I'd done the mental legwork (oxymoron?), I was able to get off the anti-depressents in 3 months. 10 mg 1 month, 5 next, 5 on alternate days the last month. It was scary to take them, I was so scared of telling friends - then when I told them, I discovered a few of them were on anti-depressents themselves. I believe it was important to take these to clean up the 'chemical spill' in my brain from years of bad mental health; I also believe they wouldn't have worked if I hadn't changed my psychology/outlook/philosophy/behaviours/environment.

One major thing to work on - I realise now rumination was a major, major part of my depression: thinking over things again and again without (being able to) take action - including beating myself up for failures. We all fail, often; it's the human experience, and we just need to be kinder to ourselves about it! Rumination is a major cause of depression - the good news is, it only takes a few minutes of distraction - once you realise you're doing it - to get your mind off that stressful path. Once you become aware of it and start choosing better ways to describe your situation (not full on positive ones when you feel terrible - the gap is too big - but slightly more positive, then slightly more positive again) you can turn things around, mentally speaking.

I ended up starting a life coaching course and becoming a coach in 2007. I don't treat depression but have worked with clients with depression, usually alongside them having therapy and/or medications. I'm currently packing to leave Finland and go back to NI for a few days; my schedule's a bit higgledy-piggledy but I would love to give you a free session or two via Skype over the next few days, if you're up for it. When I was in a very dark place in '07, strangers on the internet were a great help (a forum online, which I ended up going back on to help others; great karmic circle!) and would like to help you. Again - it wouldn't be therapy, it'd be coaching - support - for good mental and lifestyle habits and positive life changes that'll get you into a better place. You can see how it's helped others at http://soulambition.com/testimonials.

If you're not up for it, I'm currently formally studying again (there are a lot of woowoo coaches out there, but I really work hard at staying updated with scientifically-grounded research and exercises, and I've road tested it all). I've just finished my research project on positive psychology, mindfulness and music for mental wellbeing, and have a lot of stuff that could help you. Music that soothes or uplifts you is massively useful (particularly for avoiding rumination - and someone here's doing research on how using music FOR rumination - listening to songs that make you sad again and again - can impact depression. Don't do that! :) )

I really recommend the book Mind Over Mood (CBT workbook) - I recommend it to clients; you can get it on Amazon or in Waterstone's.

I also really recommend mindfulness meditation - there has been a lot of research done on its power to combat depression (I listed some apps/books here: http://dreamdolove.com/a-simple-guide-to-mindfulness/); I was back running a mindfulness course in NI this year and one of the participants said at the end of six workshops/two weeks that she realised she'd been depressed and her friends were saying she 'seemed like herself again'. Get one of those free apps and find YouTube videos, and make it a daily habit. It actually rewires the brain, with prolonged practice - no time to add sources here but I've added them in my online articles.

Also, if you're having bother falling asleep, find a crappy audiobook on YouTube! Cheesy chick-lit shite works for me; I'm not fighting to stay awake to hear what happens next - tho' sometimes I feel like I'm lowering my IQ while I sleep. ;)

A positive psychology exercise shown again and again to help with depression is the 'three things that went well and their causes' - or daily gratitude exercise. I'm currently posting mine online every day for December, to show how it works - read about it here: http://dreamdolove.com/a-month-of-gratitude-on-social-media-decgratitude/

Get Flux on your computer if you haven't already - http://justgetflux.com, and avoid going on your phone late at night. Blue light in screens interferes with your circadian rhythms, and sleep is crucial for you right now. (Poor sleep was another major cause of my depression - exacerbated by rumination, which makes you dream more heavily and wake up exhausted). If you wake in the middle of the night, take comfort in the fact that humans used to sleep in two phases, with an hour or two of wakefulness in the middle - this 8 hours uninterrupted sleep idea is relatively new and due to modern working habits. Try meditating, light reading, audiobooks - mostly distraction from worrying thoughts.

Finally, pay strong attention to your body language! The first person I worked with who had depression, we were making 2 steps forward, 1 step back kind of progress. When I asked her to start paying attention to her body language, and how it kept her experiencing feeling of depression (slumped posture, slow walking, moving like a debilitated person, glum face), and consciously changing it to confident/happy body language and expression - even if she felt stupid or pissed off doing it, she had a breakthrough. We've known for many years that your mood is shown by your body language, but it's a relatively recent idea that your body language actually changes your mood.

TL;DR Use mindfulness meditation, consider buying "Mind Over Mood" CBT workbook (or borrow from the library); list 3 things every day you're grateful for, and their causes - proved to help with depression; TRUST that you will get through this; change your language to 'slightly more positive' - not blanket positive that feels fake and makes you feel worse - and keep doing so; change your body language/facial expression to more positive; get good sleep hygiene in place; distract yourself when you find yourself ruminating; use music that makes you feel good!

...You can see why I'd rather just get talking to you for an hour than type any more! :) But here are some more links if you're wanting to read stuff rather than talk:

http://dreamdolove.com/lighten-up-20-things-to-let-go-of-for-a-happier-life/

http://dreamdolove.com/mind-language/

http://dreamdolove.com/the-gratitude-attitude/

If I can turn my life around, you can too - and 1 very easy daily gratitude thought you can have is being thankful that we live in an age where we can connect with strangers who want to help so easily! It was a HUGE part of my recovery and I will always be grateful! Let me know if you want to set up a Skype video chat. Big hugs. :)

Edited to clarify anti-depressents bit.

Edit/PS: I'm 2 hours ahead of you so going to sleep shortly, but will check in first thing!

How do you measure the success ? Wealth ? Fame ? Both are not worth pursuing and you already know that, since they don't bring happiness to life. Two things come to my mind:

1. Instead of comparing yourself to your "more successful" peers, try to compare yourself to those "less successful". Practice negative thinking, image how would your life be without the things you have, the things you take for granted. Take this even further and sometimes practice living without those things (practice minimalism), if possible. This way, you will start to value more and want things you already have, instead of things you could have. This is what I try often and what works for me. I've got this from my favorite Stoic book: A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy . Read the corresponding chapter to understand more :) the author is so good at explaining these ideas. I definitely recommend to read it whole, it is an amazing book.
   
2. Practice more compassion and empathy. Approach any human interaction with compassion in mind. Try to understand and listen to others, what makes them happy, what are their worries. No matter in what position the others are, try to connect with them on a very deep level. You will soon realize, we are all the same and we face the same problems in life. No matter what our wealth or fame is. Those two things do not relate to happiness at all. I believe that as a byproduct of this empathy practice you will naturally stop comparing. When it comes to compassion, I recommend: The Art of Happiness, 10th Anniversary Edition: A Handbook for Living . I have only started reading the book, but I like it very much so far ! It focuses more on importance of compassion and understanding others (instead of focusing on yourself as in Stoicism). I feel that I started being more compassionate and empathetic naturally with age, but I definitely agree, that it makes me incredibly happy. And not only during the communication, but overall in life ! However, before, I had no idea what empathy means, or better said - I had completely wrong idea. This book helped me to understand what exactly it is, and how it is done correctly: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life . Basically it means just to listen and from time to time to ask about feelings. Not giving advice, or making things sound easier, or giving your similar experience. We do this so often, it sounds like empathy, but instead it disconnects us from others. Very much recommended read !
   
   Hope this helps man, good luck ! You are already doing a massive good job by being super honest with yourself and sharing this problem and all its details. This is not an easy thing to do and requires a lot of ego-gymnastics.

As far as anxiety goes if it doesn’t seem too bad you can usually deal with it by yourself. I have tried medication but that just made me an emotionless zombie so I quit taking it. My anxiety is big when it comes to new activities, people, and/or places. After some introspection I believe it may be related to how hard I judge myself and mainly my fear of failure. Before I do most things I like to research so that I can be prepared and not just show up and fail.

When I don’t do that and jump in unprepared and have to do something new the anxiety spikes. I have since come to accept these moments because they happen and will continue to happen. Worrying about it won’t change the fact that is happening. People try new things/situations and fail all the time. Failure is common and an opportunity to learn. Sometimes you win some and sometimes you learn some.

I don’t expect new guys in my shop to show up and perform at the same level as others with more experience. When people try new things it is expected that they might fail. It is normal to fail. If someone points out your failure to make fun of you then they are obviously immature and lacking in manners if they make themselves feel good by putting down others.

> It's so bad now, that I don't see the need for a friend - I could live my life without concern for that, despite having had great friendships, but not without a lover.

As long as you understand that just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist if that makes any sense. Lonliness sucks.

> I'm sure I've got 1 too many bad reactions to things I've said / how I've said them, that I just don't feel comfortable being "me" from the get go now - & I'm honestly nothing bad!

This is how it works with pretty much everyone in most social situations. You start talking to them politely and little by little letting more of your personality show until you reach a point they are comfortable with. Pay attention to yourself when you are with others and you will see that you act differently with different people.

> For example, I was at a part-social, part-work related get-together, with my younger teen siblings present. I was sitting with them & 2 girls who I knew from work. So, me being me, saw some matches & went to show them a trick whereby I made a match jump erratically. My siblings obviously were amused along with previous partners, but the reactions from the 2 girls were literally, "I don't get it", belittling dialogue & yawn. I'm not Houdini, but it was just a little musing - not a date pick-up line or something :/

So they didn’t like it, big deal. You can’t make everyone happy. What do you mean “not a date pick-up line or something”? Is that what they thought it was but you weren’t trying for that or something else?

> Just wondering if there are any other sectors that are viable, like the cushy life of School (though I blew uni. 3 years of solitude went by fast).

Not sure what you mean here. Also, I never went to a university.

> I'll possibly also try picking girls up through the controversially sexist PUA concepts with a twist - I'm going for love instead of one night stands.

Do not become a PUA practitioner. Not being yourself with others is deceitful and employing manipulative techniques to win people over with a false you will result in nothing but heartache and letdown for both parties involved. There’s a reason the saying goes, “the road to hell is paved in good intentions.” Good intentions do not excuse bad practice. Don’t you want someone to love you for who you are?

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who fell for the fake me over some manipulative techniques. By all means though go and explore the PUA community and form your own opinion. I’ve already done that and you can see how I feel about it.

> The skill of socializing Is something I'm going to need to work on - but is this something only available via practice in the real world / deep end?

Do scientist go out and practice real world applications without first researching? Some yes but most of the ones that make progress do not. We are past the age of being young and dumb were it was acceptable to make many mistakes socializing. As adults we are expected to at least be good at socializing and practicing social norms. Some of use are behind the curve and that is where the greatest information resource of all time comes in. I’m talking about the internet , of course, but books too. Now start researching but remember book smarts alone aren’t always enough. You must combine book smarts with experience to have a more fruitful outcome.

> This really is my current & largest ever life goal.

That makes sense because in a world full of people being able to properly socialize is one of the most important skillsets.

Here are some of the resources that I have used and have gained knowledge from.

r/AskMen

r/AskWomen

r/Bumble subreddit for the dating app

r/datingoverthirty You may not be over thirty but there’s still a lot of good advice in there

r/malefashionadvice if you want to expand your wardrobe

r/relationships

r/sex

r/socialanxiety

r/socialskills

r/swipehelper and by extension SwipeHelper.com This is a good resource for Tinder.

r/Tinder

r/WritingPrompts because you said you like writing

Photofeeler for getting feedback on pictures you may want to use in the online dating sphere

Books;

How to Win Friends & Influence People The book was written a while ago so the situation may be outdated but the principles can still be applied today.

Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

From the description;

> “Models is the first men's dating book ever written on seduction as a purely emotional process rather than a logical one, a process of connecting with women rather than impressing them, a process of self-expression rather than manipulation. It's the most mature and honest guide on how a man can attract women without faking behavior, without lying and without emulating others. A game-changer.”

The Definitive Book of Body Language: The Hidden Meaning Behind People's Gestures and Expressions

We can continue our discussion here but if have any questions in the future I am just a PM away. I don’t have all the answers but I am willing to share my experiences.

> my info: im a super nerd. like i follow the pro starcraft scene and love space, science math etc. in really tall and am fairly lanky.

That's not necessarily bad... but if you want to do well with women, you'd be well served to not look the part of a "super nerd." Dress fashionably, but with a unique edge that sets your style apart from others. If you need help figuring out how to do that, hit up some of your female friends for advice, peruse GQ or Esquire or Mens Vogue, whatever.

> I tend to only have crushes on best friends and my last crush was when i was 17 (different person). Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

Guys get like that when they are scared to break rapport with women, and the only thing they can do is try to use pure "comfort game" to get close to the girls. Unfortunately, the result - as you may have noticed - is not usually favorable. Building comfort is important, but you have to do more... if you want girls, you have to project the vibe of a confident, mature, masculine, "in control", sexual man who "gets it." The "nerdy, insecure, shy, awkward teenage geek" vibe is a lot less effective.


> Ive been caled a sweet heart and get frustrated when guys are disrespectful.

You probably have both Nice Guy Syndrome and a touch of Disney Fantasy. I highly recommend you read the Dr. Robert Glover book No More Mr. Nice Guy, and the Neil Strauss book The Game. The former should help you understand more about asserting yourself, establishing boundaries, and being more authentic in your interactions with people. The latter will blow your mind in regards to understanding how men and women interact.

After that, it might not hurt to read Way of the Superior Man by Dave Deida.

Also, to disabuse yourself of the notion that women are all sweet and pure and innocent and virtuous and made of light (or sugar and spice and puppy dog tails, whatever) spend some time reading stuff like My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, or The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling, or Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life.

Finally, read Sperm Wars by Robin Baker. That will make a great many things much clearer.

Hey MisterEff, you're not the only one. I totally know what you're talking about. The swing from optimism & motivation in the evening to inaction in the morning, the anxiety, the putting off phone calls, the weird reflex-like turning away from the task in front of you. I've been struggling with it for years and years, too. Sometimes I do better, sometimes worse.

You've seen a few therapists, and you told them far more background than you've told us, and they're professionals, so I hesitate a bit to jump in here and give advice. But you're here asking, and what the heck, I've got ideas from things I've tried, so here goes.

First of all, you say that you do well and you get good reviews. I suspect you don't give this a lot of weight and you don't really believe it because you're judging yourself for not living up to your own expectations. I think that's deadly to your motivation. YOU DO WELL AND YOU GET GOOD REVIEWS, and that at a job that's important and helps other people. You need to let this soak in and let it boost your self-confidence. YOU DO GOOD WORK AND OTHER PEOPLE APPRECIATE YOU. Let it sink in. Engage with it. Regularly, until you start to believe it.

Anxiety: I've gone through periods of high anxiety, to the point that my whole body seemed to be vibrating with it. I've done meditation, tried hypnosis and guided relaxation, and tried an anti-anxiety med for a while. In the end, here's what I think: my anxiety is mostly produced by my thoughts. I think about what I need to do, and how I'm failing to do it, and how I should have done stuff differently, and other doom thinking about stuff that's wrong. The thoughts produce the anxiety. Really engaging with cognitive behavior therapy helped immensely. It got to where I could notice it happen: notice I was feeling more anxious, notice what I'd been thinking about, and sure enough, I'd been driving it up through thinking. It took a while, but I've managed to get rid of that cycle and my anxiety is down 90%.

Aside from reading about CBT, meditation has been a big help in getting better at catching what's going on in my head and how it affects how I feel. I do mindfulness meditation. Started it through a local Insight Meditation center.

My current "thing" is to try to understand that habit of looking at a task to be done and turning away from it, seemingly by reflex without really thinking about it. Something goes "uhm, nope" inside me and reaches for something else to do... reading the news, going to Reddit, etc., you know how it is. I'm trying to catch that moment and not move to the procrastination behavior, but just hang out in it and see what's really going on. I think mindfulness meditation provides the skill and awareness to catch the moment, but also to observe what's going on. Outcome TBD. :)

I get a lot out of social context. If I have stuff to do that no one else directly care about, it's often hard to get going. On the other hand, if I have a meeting, agree on a plan of action, and have a meeting planned to discuss progress, then I'm often very effective. Social contact helps me, consensus helps me (no self-doubt on how to proceed), and having to meet expectations helps me. Is this true for you? Can you use it to help yourself? The simplest for of this for me is "buddy sessions", i.e. sitting down with someone else in one room with the agreement that neither of you will procrastinate while you're there.

A few more things I recommend reading/looking at:

• watch this TED talk on Power Poses. It's a short-term tool, but it may help you get over the hump to make those phone calls or do other tasks that make you anxious.
  
  
• Read The Willpower Instinct to learn more about how willpower/discipline works and where its pitfalls are.
  
  
• I think building new habits in very hard for us with the motivation challenge we have, but I'd recommend reading a bunch about habit-forming, using X charts (/r/theXeffect/), the Lift app, etc. You said you tried pomodoros and they worked a bit but didn't stick. Combining pomorodos with these techniques that work across days and weeks should help.
  
  Remember that there is a payoff from procrastination. Turning away from something that makes you anxious gives you immediate relief, and that's really powerful. Recognize that this is a challenge and that it's understandable that you're struggling to overcome it. It's going to take some engagement, balancing, insight, and motivation to overcome it.
  
  Remember, MisterEff, YOU DO GOOD WORK AND OTHER PEOPLE APPRECIATE YOU.
  

Hi, 31M, fighting depression, acute social anxiety disorder and suicidal tendencies. I am doing good now. Had a scare a few months ago when a close family member fell really ill, and I really started to put in the effort to turn my life around. It is a work in progress, but I am doing well. My advice:

1. Realize, first and foremost, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, everything is okay. If you are an Introvert, that is perfectly fine, in fact that is a cause for celebration. You see the world runs on profit, on selling you shit you don't need and is actually harmful to you, and you being introvert is bad for business. Being calm, self-aware, introspective means no more impulse purchases, no more stress-eating, no more constant sugar rush, and most importantly no more addictions. Good for you, horrible for selling you supersaturated soda, processed junk food and drugs.
   
   
2. Realize that being shy and socially awkward is not the same as introversion. These often rise from our deep rooted emotions and conflicts, sometimes we are not aware of them. I'll give a simple example, I have lower back pain since childhood. I recently started exercising and found a fantastic fitness channel on YT. I realized that the cause of my pain was that my Glutes are terribly weak, and my Abs are weak too. My back hurts not because there's something wrong with it, but because it is overworked. My back has to put in 3 times the effort just to stabilize my core and help move my spine. Similarly, The real cause of all your emotional distress can be found, and healed, only when you start to exercise. Which means:
   
   
3. Meditate. Common sense, buddy, just as nobody but yourself can gift you with a healthy and athletic body, only you can find joy and happiness in yourself once you clean out all that fear and anxiety in your mind. Of course, a good teacher or a good book helps, just as with exercise. Simple breathing meditation. Sit comfortably. Take a deep breath. Exhale. Focus on the flow of breath. The mind will wander. Gently bring it back. Try it, start with what I did: try to perform just 3 perfect cycles. If you want to understand the scientific basis for why Meditation works, read: The Mind Illuminated | John Yates, Matthew Immergut, Jeremy Graves
   
   Some more reading: If you want to know how meditation helps the mind, read the best book on cognitive therapy:Feeling Good | David Burns.
   
   For instructions on breathing and mindfulness meditation, there are many great resources online. Also check out /r/Meditation.
   
   
4. The one thing, the one attribute that defines us and helps us most in time of need is Willpower. There is this reservoir of strength inside you, an untapped fountain of energy that will sweep away all the uncertainty, fear and pain once you tap into it. Read this: The Will power Instinct | Kelly McGonigal.
   
   
5. Develop some good habits. Wake up early. Keep tidy. Meditate. Exercise. Eat healthy. Read. Habits play a crucial role in forming us, and many of these habits are critical to our success or failure. Read this: The Power of Habit | Charles Duhigg.
   
   
6. Finally, find a goal in your life. A goal that fulfills you, gives you purpose, and makes you whole. We have a word in Sanskrit: 'Samriddhi'. It means physical, mental and spiritual fulfillment. An observation: your financial well-being is a key factor in your happiness, because it directly affects you and your ability to care for and help others. Understanding how money works and how to enjoy a steady and growing flow of income is a key skill that is often neglected. Yes it is a skill that can be learned and trained just like exercise, with just a bit of help from our old friend willpower.
   
   
7. Lastly remember you are not weak, fragile, pushover or any of these silly things. You are good. You are beautiful, strong and confident, and don't you dare think otherwise.
   
   I leave you with this song: Get up! Be good. PM me if you need anything.

First, happy belated birthday! I'm sorry to hear it has been rough for you. I came on R/depression to post because I have been having a pretty bad day and just wanted to vent, but I think it is more important to respond to you.
(Note: these are all from my personal experience.. I am not a therapist and do not have training in this field, so take or leave what you need. We are all different so solutions for me may not fit for you.The bottom line is that these are options, and that there is help out there.)

I am 27 now, female, and its sounds like you are have a lot in common with me. 17 was a really rough year for me (a good friend passed away), and marked the time where my depression and anxiety issues became full fledged. I've struggled with romantic relationships all my life, used to be an extrovert before negative experiences changed that, and sometimes use writing and fantasy for escapism, since it was safe. I felt ashamed, even though what I was doing didn't hurt anyone. I just felt like I should feel bad.

Things got really bad again a few years ago, so I finally sought help. I don't know where you are located (I'm in Canada), but I know there are resources available out there. It sounds like your school and parents are not the best source for help. Way to go for reaching out to them, but I'm really sorry to hear their response was so negative.

There is still so, so much stigma about getting mental help. My parents are pretty open minded and understand the need for mental health care in general, yet when it came to my own issues, they tended to pretend it didn't exist. They would say 'oh, you're just overreacting' when really I was giving them a cry for help. (Fortunately I had a friend who had been through therapy encourage me to get help instead.)


I did Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is an evidence-based approach to address issues of mood disorders, anxiety issues and possibly eating disorders. It's not for everyone, but I tend to be analytical so it was suited for me. I have also been on different medications in addition, but this is also up to the individual. Therapy is a good start, though.

Before therapy, I felt truly helpless because I was convinced that my negative thoughts were reality. I thought "I will be like this forever", "I'm broken", "I have screwed up my life by choosing the wrong career path." However, at the time I didn't realize that the depression was influencing my thinking patterns.
The best thing therapy did for me was help me identify 'cognitive distortions'.... From your post, I can count at least 4 distortions that you would be surprised probably aren't true. (e.g. fortune telling: predicting things will turn out badly, and catastrophizing your future when it could turn out any way.) Check out the examples, it's surprising how common they are in everyday life!

My best advice: if you need to skip the parents and skip the school counsellor, talk to your family doctor or a walk in clinic and let them
know the basics of your situation so you can get a referral. Talk to your doctor if cost is an issue, and they may be able to refer you to a no cost or low cost therapist, psychologist, etc.

If you want to do it on your own but can't get therapy and don't know where to start, I recommend the book "Mind over Mood", on amazon here.

It is only 14$, and has helped me wonders. It is a series of exercises to train your brain to challenge negative thinking. It is not about positive thinking, but rather balancing the evidence for what is true and false. You may be able to get it at a library, too.


From personal experience, therapy will help with dealing with the negative harmful thoughts, and possibly with managing some anxiety that comes with romantic relationships. Also, I hope it makes you feel better about
yourself, since it is clear that you are an articulate, thoughtful, and intelligent young woman.

I know you hear a lot of the 'it gets better" rhetoric. There is no promise that life will improve after high school on a perfect slope uphill. Life is a series of ups and downs, and for people struggling with depression, these ups and downs are not just influenced by external events, but internal. That doesn't mean they can't be influenced for the better.

An additional piece of advice: travel. Or have a goal to save up and travel. Once you live in another country, especially an impoverished one, all those high school problems will seem minuscule. Big houses, cars, cell phones -- suddenly less important. You will come back with this new perspective that colours all aspects of your life, that helps you appreciate your place in the universe. If money is an issue, there are tonnes of gap year programs that offer financial support, especially if you are a student.
If you don't get into med school, life isn't over. Very few people have their life planned at 17. Hell, I still don't know what I want to do, and wish I had taken extra time at 17 to sort it out. Grades are not everything. I spent years working myself to death for good grades, only to regret not taking more time to thin k whether it was what I wanted.

Depression often kills creativity. If writing helps you, DO IT! I do art, and the accomplishment of creating something from nothing is an experience that no one can take away from you. It doesn't matter what it is or what anyone says.


As for being alone, I have only kept one friend from high school. The rest are history, and that is ok. You will make so many more in your jobs, school, online, and in life. There will always be someone who cares. I care. Strangers here care. If you need to chat, send me a PM any time.

And if you are at rock bottom or approaching the bottom, there are ALWAYS mental health hotlines.

USA: http://www.teenhealthandwellness.com/static/hotlines

Canada: http://www.partnersformh.ca/resources/find-help/crisis-centres-across-canada/

With technology today, the world has never been smaller. It may not seem like it, but it is absolutely impossible to be alone.

Wishing you all the best <3

We did:

Four-week "comprehensive childbirth" class at our hospital, which I really liked and am glad I took. The instructors were all either nurses or former nurses at our hospital and were familiar with our hospital's policies and standard practices, so I now feel very comfortable with what might happen during our birth; also, it turns out our hospital is pretty awesome. It was also actually some nice bonding time with my husband, especially when we practiced having him coach me.

One night breastfeeding class, also at the hospital. Informative, but not necessarily anything I couldn't have learned on my own. It was good to hear about the breastfeeding support that my hospital offers, but I suspect I would have found out about all of that anyway during my stay.

Watched the DVD series Laugh and Learn about Childbirth. It was nice to have a second perspective, and there is so much to know about childbirth that there was material covered in the videos that wasn't covered in our class. The instructor has an interesting style which we found to be hit or miss, tonally, but overall it was a good use of time. We also have Laugh and Learn About Breastfeeding, but haven't watched it yet.

I also read (I've been to the library more in the past two months than in the previous two years...):

• Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (highly recommend; very empowering)
  
• Husband Coached Childbirth (The Bradley Method) (seemed a bit dated, even though it was an recent edition, and a bit "out-there" for me)
  
• The Official Lamaze Guide: Giving Birth with Confidence (recommend)
  
• Pregnancy Sucks: What to Do When Your Miracle Makes You Miserable (a fun and quick read; more helpful for general pregnancy than labor and delivery)
  
• Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy: From Doctors Who Are Parents, Too! (also more helpful for general pregnancy)
  
  My husband is reading The Birth Partner, Third Edition: A Complete Guide to Childbirth for Dads, Doulas, and All Other Labor Companions, and likes it so far.
  
  I still have HypnoBirthing: The Mongan Method: A natural approach to a safe, easier, more comfortable birthing; The Birth Book: Everything You Need to Know to Have a Safe and Satisfying Birth (Sears Parenting Library); and Natural Hospital Birth: The Best of Both Worlds on my reading list. About three weeks to go; we'll see how far I get.

Ya know, you can have what he has without the woo.

1. Start a meditative practice. There's nothing mystical about the benefits of meditation.
   
   
2. Try to approach everything you can on as best faith terms as possible. Optimism and pessimism are actually learnable traits. Pessimists are more realistic (there' research to demonstrate that, but I don't care enough to find the link at the moment) but optimists are happier and do better. Honestly? Be an optimist.
   
   
3. Develop a pace by which you do everything. A rhythm. Concentrate on trying to keep that steady pace in everything you do, from getting up to brushing your teeth to going to work to dealing with the kids. It makes it easier to get into a flow of life.
   
   
4. Establish your flow. Learn to get into that relaxed state of mind where working on something feels like a pleasure.
   
   
5. One of the best exercises we can ever do: write down on the left side of a piece of paper (with several lines of space between each one): work, friends, romantic relationship, hobbies, career, community service. On the right side next to each, name some goals. Now take all of those goals and ask yourself, "what positive qualities would I need to achieve these goals? Patience? Courage? Sacrifice? Compassion?
   
   Now take those qualities you've focused on, and find 2-3 ways of applying them in your life every day. Bonus: keep a journal. Right it down. Over time, you train yourself to become the person you want to be.
   
   You can do what your friend did without sacrificing your intellectual integrity.

Look into inner child healing as well as C-PTSD. I think learning about C-PTSD will help you understand what is going on internally that is causing your anxiety and fear. A really good book about this is C-PTSD from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker.

Also, here is an inner child healing technique. While the exercise says to think of yourself like you are 4 or 5, you can apply it to your 12 year old self. You are essentially going back in your imagination to the Trauma and supporting yourself through it with Unconditional Love. This changes the emotions you experience when the traumatic event is triggered from fear based to supported and loved. It really is life changing.

🙏💜🙏



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Inner Child Healing:

Start by imagining yourself as you were when you were 4 or 5 years old. Use a photo initially if it is necessary. Then as your adult self imagine checking in with that inner child that you have identified. Go to them. I think you will see that your suffering is at root their suffering. Give them unconditional love. Hug them, talk to them. Sit with them. Soothe them. Tell them that now that you've found them you will strive hard to always be there for them. That you're inseparable. Develop a deep relationship with yourself in your heart center.

Do this frequently. When you wake up, when you go to sleep, several times during the day. Go to your inner child when you're feeling down, anxious, stressed, depressed. Heal their wounds. You can't fix what happened but you can reassure with love that they were in an impossible situation and give them the love to help them rise above it. You're getting a chance to re-parent your inner child.

After you begin to build a foundation of Self love you can then expand the practice to have your inner child bring yoy photos (which are more like snapshots of memories) of the events that were terrifying for them. And you can use inner child healing to tell them how unfair that situation was, that they are not wrong to feel this way, but now that you have found them that they are safe and loved.

After a month or so this exercise morphed on its own to just directly loving myself (adult self loving adult self). I started to be my own best cheerleader and friend. My inner critical voice too has changed to one of unconditional love.

I really hope this helps 🤗💜🌈

Charme and Charisma are closely tied together but there still are a few differences, though so minor that we are going to ignore them for the sake of this post.

Charme is important to charm your opposite, be it male or female, into agreeing with you. One could say that charme makes people say yes. Even if you didn't ask a question.

There are a few things that play together:

• Your attractiveness level, including grooming, smell, clothing.
  
  
• Your power & status, but also knowledge and expertise fall under this category.
  
  
• Authority & calmness
  
  
• Your body language & confidence.
  
  
• Your humour.
  
  
• Empathy & your presence in the here and now. Ergo listening without becoming distracted.
  
  
• Your agreeability and likableness.
  
  There is no denying that a powerful person always has more charme than his inferiors. There have been studies where actors assumed the same body language and were equally attractive, were paired up against a powerful person. The effects of charme and humour were measured and it turned out that the powerful person scored much better.
  
  Now how can you learn to be more charming? My book recommendations that cover every important aspect would be:
  
  
• The Art of Seduction
  
  
• How to Win Friends & Influence People
  
  
• The Definite Book of Body Language
  
  
• The Charisma Myth
  
  This covers everything except for humour but I fear I can not help you with that. In my opinion, you either have humour, or you don't but many people claim that humour is a learnable skill. Anyway, it was never of interest to me but I am sure that you will find some sources teaching the art of humour.

I was right where you are a few years ago when I was finishing up my undergrad college degree. In my senior year, I was already not doing too well as the school wasn't really for me due to a variety of reasons, but I had decided to grit my teeth and just power through.

Around this time, my ADHD started getting worse and worse without me realising it. I have a mild case of Aspergers so had spent so much time focusing on managing it, that ADHD seemed like a minor thing; something in the corner that I could easily take care of. It was a shock to me then when things started to fall apart. My concentration became worse and worse, my grades fell, then stagnated as I worked myself to the breaking point. I couldn't understand how everyone around me expended so little effort to get great grades and papers. Because of this and the complete lack of tutoring/psychological resources at my school (I DO NOT recommend attending a very small college), I developed situational depression and eventually thought that I was fundamentally worse and stupider than everyone else.

This downward spiral could have been a stopping point, but thanks to a great deal of support, I finished college, got a job, and am now in a place where I can use my ADHD as an asset. I don't know how old you are, or what you have tried, but I urge you to consider doing the following steps:

1. Take a step back, breath, take a long walk. Focus on what's around you and what you're seeing, not on those thoughts crowding your mind. If a thought takes over and you start to panic, come back to the present. You can also do this while sitting, I recommend doing it in a spot with a great view.
   
   
2. Come back to whatever work you have and do the simplest task possible. It could even be doing the dishes, as long as you get that done.
   
   
3. Get through the rest of this week and don't forget to breathe. Use this community to ask for support, please pm me if you want some support. Believe me, we've all been through this before.
   
   
4. OK, you've gotten through the week. Now its time to start focusing on the bigger stuff. Do you see a psychologist who specialises in adults with ADD? If not, I highly recommend finding one in your area. When I started seeing one after college, it completely changed my viewpoint on ADHD and allowed me to develop skills better suited to the ways I think, as well as break down unhelpful coping mechanisms/bad studying strategies I created earlier in life. If you find one, try to meet every week. This is not something that should be thought of as short-term, but as a refuge to reflect on what works and doesn't work for as long as you need it.
   
   
5. Do you see a psychiatrist for your meds or just a doctor? If its the latter, I recommend getting a psychiatrist ASAP for your meds. They are not the end-all, be-all solution to ADHD, just another part of your tool-kit for managing it. Eveyone will have a toolkit that works best for them, and you deserve to have the kind of medication that's exactly what you need.
   
   
6. The social stuff? It gets better, believe me. Are you in high school or college? For me, it was only towards the end of college and especially afterwords that I started developing good social skills. Find a counselor at your school and ask them for social skills resources, they're a good starting point. I also HIGHLY recommend finding an ADD support group if any exist in the area you live. There's also great book/online resources for social stuff, though they can be a bit dense. I recommend this for body language and this for more general social stuff.
   
   
7. There are many more steps, but those are steps you create. YOU have the power over these steps and can do great things with them in your life.
   
   ADHD like life is a journey. There will be ups and downs. But the experience can be amazing instead of crushing if you get the help.

One of the best ways to help you learn how to communicate better with people in general is to work on your self esteem and confidence. Don't just try to find some random topcis and memorize them. Invest in topics that are personally important to you. Become well versed in those topics. If you just try to memorize random topics or things you think other people are interested in, but you aren't that interested in, people will start to sense it is fake. Instead, if someone else brings up a topic in which they seem passionate about, but you don't know much about, just openly admit you know nothing about the topic and ask them if they can explain it or share more about it. People will generally react more positively in that scenario. You aren't trying to impress them with your knowledge, but rather you are encouraging them to share their knowledge.

One of the keys in communication with others, especially those you are interested in, is building them up. Let them share their experiences and don't try to one up them. Don't continue to relate everything they say or do to something you have done or heard. Ask them questions about their experiences and what they learned or enjoyed most about them. If you have had similar experiences, wait until they ask you about yours. If they shared first, then generally a good idea is to spend considerably less time sharing your experience. You can always share more later if they ask. But you want to validate their experiences and knowledge.

Ultimately the best way to learn about these things is to find books on the subject:

"How to Win Friends and Influence People"

"Bringing out the Best in People"

"The Definitive Book of Body Language"

"Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time"

"Words that Work"

I also recommend a YouTube channel called "Charisma on Command"

The existentialism is real in the wake of losing your worldview. All the pep-talks in the world about "go live your life, the world is amazing!" meant nothing to me. I didn't know how to move forward. For some of us, the loss is huge and the existential dread (with its accompanying anxiety and depression) is absolutely consuming.

Ultimately, the study of philosophy and the nature of existence was the way out and the door to a meaningful post-Mormon life for me. I read and studied a bunch of stuff, but the below list was some of the most helpful. I ultimately chose to go with a personalized form of stoicism to fill the void left by Mormonism. Others prefer secular Buddhism, etc. If you still like Jesus as a moral guide (like I do in a lot of ways), this is a great short podcast about Jesus as a moral philosopher.

Anyway, I found the below very helpful in my transition:

• Philosphize This! podcast. Start with episode 1 and just listen all the way through. It's great and he even mentions Mormonism a few times.
  
  
• The Power of Now by Tolle.
  
  
• The Happiness Trap by Harris.
  
  
• Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl.
  
  
• Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning (A follow-on of above--focus on the later chapters in this book.)
  
  
• The Alchemist by Coelho.
  
  
• A New Earth by Tolle.
  
  
• A Confession by Tolstoy. Free download.
  
  
• What I Believe, also by Tolstoy and a follow-on to the above Tolstoy book. Free download at link if you look for it. Auido book here.
  
  If you're interested in stoic philosophy as a replacement for Mormonism:
  
  
• Start with this easy article for a nice overview. The rest of this blog can be helpful, too. For example, here's a great recent article.
  
  
• This book. It can be a bit long in places, but it's an easy read and gives an awesome overview.
  
  
• Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. The Audible version of this is really good, too, if you have a daily commute, etc.
  
   
  
  Finally, it gets better! Take it a day (or a month) at a time and keep searching and you'll eventually land in a good spot! Good luck, and stick with it!

Over the past several years I've personally gravitated toward a blend of stoicism and "secular Christianity." I know many others go the route of secular Buddhism (Noah Rasheta, who is also an exMo runs secularbuddhism.com which you might want to check out) and others (most?) simply go the route of ethical hedonism.

I personally gravitated toward stoicism because it isn't a religion and has no real religious underpinning. Instead, it's normally referred to as just a "philosophy of life." It has worked well for me as a backfill to religion. You'll also find that different people have different views of what it means to "practice" stoicism, so it's nice in that you can kind of adapt it to fit your personal preferences.

Here are some recommendations if you want to look into it:

• Start with this easy article for a nice overview. Then continue to read other articles on the How to be a Stoic blog. It's a great resource.
  
  
• I'd recommend this book as well. It can be a bit long in places, but it's an easy read and gives an awesome overview.
  
  
• Finally, you should also read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. I have an audio version from Audible that's excellent and I enjoyed listening to it much more than reading it, but there are free copies all over the place to download and read in Kindle if you just Google it.
  
  Aside from stoicism, studying and learning about philosophy in general has been a huge cushion for me in dealing with the existential crisis that often follows losing belief in Mormonism. Google the Philosophize This! podcast and start at episode 1 if you're interested. It's great. I also really enjoy the Philosophy Bites podcast. Other than the above, the following were also very helpful to me in finding a approach to life without "God" and without religion:
  
  
• The Power of Now by Tolle.
  
  
• The Happiness Trap by Harris.
  
  
• Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl.
  
  
• Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning (A follow-on of above--focus on the later chapters in this book.)
  
  
• The Alchemist by Coelho.
  
  
• A New Earth by Tolle.
  
  
• A Confession by Tolstoy. Free download.
  
  
• What I Believe, also by Tolstoy and a follow-on to the above Tolstoy book. Free download at link if you look for it. Auido book here.
  
  All of the above combined with a few long years of figuring things out got me to a good place. But everyone's journey is different, so do what you think will work best for you...and good luck!
  
  
  

Okay, first of all, there may be a cause/effect and there may not, but in either case, you want to be very careful if you talk about this with her, because you don't want to cause her to associate something enjoys with something that traumatized her.

So as for how to go about it, a few resources and a few suggestions. First, the resources:

If you want some good reading material about this, check out Screw the Roses and SM 101. These two books are among the most respected when it comes to this topic matter. You might also want to get yourself on Fetlife, a community you can use to look up more advice, perhaps even in specific areas.

Now, as for my own advice:

You two should start with something called Negotiation. This is a process where you decide what you'll be doing before you do anything. I know it seems sexy to be surprised, but you can cover a lot of ground so she won't necessarily be able to predict what you'll do, but know that whatever you do will be something you agree on.

Take some time to get a feel for different things you could do, and then find out from her what she's interested in, what she does not want to do, and what she isn't sure about. Maybe her idea of "violent" isn't the same as yours. You need to get a very clear idea of what she wants before you do anything.

One thing that it seems like just about every girl I've encountered seems to like is having their hair pulled, but it has to be done in a specific way - don't just grab a fistful and tug. Instead, put your hand flat against the back of her neck with your fingers pointed up and move your fingers up the neck and into the hair as close to the scalp as you can. When you're at the base of the scalp, grab a handful that's as close to the scalp as possible. Doing this feels better, isn't quite as painful, and gives you some good control over where to move the head. This way you can be more forceful without causing not-fun pain.

For any kind of new play, always start slow and as light as possible. You need to ease into it, both because she's still deciding what she does or doesn't like, and because even if someone likes something that doesn't mean they want to go from zero to sixty right off the bat.

Play using floggers, paddles, canes, or bare hands used to strike is referred to as "impact", and different people have different reactions to it depending on the location it is used on the body. Usually, the butt is a pretty safe bet for most kinds of impact, but there's also the boobs and inner thighs, and the genitals. Again, start light and gradually increase it to see what kind of response you get.

There's also light biting that you can do (again, gradually work your way up), and you can do nipple torture, tugging on them or flicking them - some girls like this, but some absolutely hate it, so be careful.

For face-slapping, you want to be careful with both your aim and how strong you hit. Again, start soft, and you need to be sure to get the cheek/side of the head. Be careful not to get the eyes, mouth, or jaw.

Finally, while you may be tempted to do some choking/breath play, be aware that this can be extremely dangerous, and you should read up on the risks associated with this before even considering it. I won't tell people outright not to do it, but be warned that it is not to be taken lightly.

Hopefully this is a good start for you. Good luck!

If you've never had the connection you now want, but got married anyway, that was your initial mistake. But hindsight is 20/20 and I don't think it's necessarily an unsolvable problem, especially since he seems willing to work on it.

It takes a lot of effort to break out of 5 years of bad habits. But you can do it! I think you could do it without counseling, but if you hit a wall or either of you is feeling really unhappy, or communication is not improving, please go see a therapist or counselor since they can help a lot.

Be sure you're setting aside dedicated time to discuss and work on your relationship. The time and effort you both put in is an investment, and if you pull through it will pay off immeasurably. Then start by each taking the Love Languages test. Discuss your answers. Read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, someone who has studied relationships for years. That book includes a number of exercises to work through with your partner, and I think it would be an amazing help to you in connecting with your husband.

Another idea is that since you want to drastically step up your relationship with each other and break out of the disconnected rut you're in, think of other ways you can spice up, change, and improve your life. Consider rearranging your furniture. Taking a weekend trip to someplace new. Starting a new hobby together (maybe something like salsa dancing or ballroom dancing). Working out together. Taking a class to learn a new language or skill. Whatever sounds like fun! Connecting the relationship work you are doing to a shift in another area of your life (particularly one that is fun, novel, exciting) will help you feel like things are really changing and different, and will keep you invested in the relationship progress you're making. It's easier to connect when you are on the same team, doing things together and sharing the journey.

Lastly, you say he does "husband things" and you do "wife things". Consider mixing it up. If he's the one who brings you flowers on anniversaries, how about you bring him flowers for no reason whatsoever other than that you care about each other? If you usually eat lunch out during the workday, how about he wakes up early to pack you one? Look for ways you can break out of your current habits of showing affection, which aren't working, and look for new ways to make each other happy. The Love Languages test should offer some great insight into the best way for each of you to start.

Homework: Once a day remind yourself “I love myself. I love myself because of my mistakes. I’m human and I am open to learning and change.”

> I'd feel as if I'm lying to myself.

That’s why they say we have to “learn” to love ourselves. You can tell yourself all day that you suck, you’re worthless, dumb, ugly, all kinds of bad thing that aren’t true. Even if “I love myself” comes across as untrue, say it until you mean it. Fake it till you make it right? :)

Five minutes once a day. Sit in a chair and close your eyes. It sounds silly. It feels ridiculous. But say it until the phrase starts making sense. And then apply it to the closest person in your life. Whoever that would be. Your mother, dad, sister, brother, uncle. Whomever. It’s like learning a magic spell that you decide you are willing to cast on yourself and the people you love most. It takes practice like any skill.

Man’s Search for Meaning might be a good book for you to consider. It’s not an overly religious book as the title sounds, but it’s about a man who survived concentration camp.

> but I need a kind honest word in private from time to time, from someone I care about

That’s it exactly! That’s what we’re looking for in this practice of making a statement to ourselves. It’s not about praising you. It’s about fundamental basis of love as the starting point, like a mother loves her child. It teaches us to begin there and move forward. This is the private moment.

In Taoism it’s called the “inner smile”. In Buddhism it’s called “loving kindness” (or metta practice). In the West we just call it an affirmation. A moment to dispel the negativity encountered throughout the day to reaffirm our relationship with ourselves and the people we love around us.

> It makes me feel I'm useful and not wasting my time and resources on something bound to fail.

That’s what being an individual is about. Waste your time on what is important to you! You deserve to feel better about yourself. :)

Remember to avoid seeking perfection. On the way to success are are many many failures. It’s not about the 7 falls. It’s about getting up 8 times.

Have you seen the movie 16 candles or The Breakfast Club? You’re in good company when it comes to not liking our looks. Especially at high school. But we can’t choose our face or body, they kind of choose us. Remember not to compare yourself to others. Just be you.

However you used to write, try to pick that up again. If it was journaling, ask for some journals for Christmas and birthdays. That spark can be rekindled if you pursue it. A couple paragraphs a day should be doable.

Never consider your opinion stupid. Uneducated, maybe. But it’s better to say it, especially now, and get feedback from your friend than not say it at all. And Russian is not an easy language (from what I’ve heard) but you could study it in college or whenever high school is over. Put things on the back burner but don’t count them out when you’re dealing with the present (like grades and exams, etc.)

Be his friend. And that’s it! Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. :)

> The fact that I can't fit in anywhere speaks for itself. I'm not a part of any social group

Whose choice was that? You have to sign up or you don’t get invited. Take a chance on the things you love. And always remember you do what you would want to do anyway and the right people will come along. Reach out to people you like but don’t normally talk to. There are interesting people just a conversation away. Hang in there!

Basing a response on what you've said to us:

"Holidays for my family are all about relaxing, eating and enjoying friends and family [took a little liberty with 'getting turnt'; IL's don't sound like they'll fit in...]
As guests, your responsibility is to be gracious and to entertain yourselves rather than demanding an itinerary - or ANYTHING. I shouldn't have to tell you this - you're adults and presumably acquainted with the social graces - but I am."

"You're welcome at our Thanksgiving and to hang out if you behave like guests. The rest of the time you're on your own. None of us are your tour guide. Google some local attractions and decide what you might like to do."

It's been almost a year since I had a holiday with my own family. I'm doing so and have advised DH that he's welcome to look after you and to spend as much time as he wishes with you. I'll be hanging out with my folks and friends. Hope you have a great time."

This is salty. Overbearing and self-entitled people leave you little choice; they wouldn't be making ridiculous demands if they were sufficiently reasonable for you to be polte. You have to be blunt.

If they clutch their pearls and gasp tell them "Reasonable folks wouldn't require being spoken to this bluntly; it's sometimes called a clue-by-four. Now that I have your attention, realize how overbearing and ridiculous is your behavior. Or don't. Either way, my family and I will be spending this visit together rather than entertaining you."

Copy DH and tell him something like "Your parents are being ridiculous. They're your family. Dear, based on their demands I feel like saying 'your circus, your monkey's.' You're welcome to put up with / hang out with them all you want or feel obligated to. I won't and refuse to allow them to steal or spoil my time with my family. I find their behavior offensive BECAUSE IT IS. I hope if you let them impose on you, you begin to understand that Fear, Obligation and Guilt are a shitty basis for a relationship. With your parents or anyone."

And give him When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover for holiday reading.

I promise that 1) this experience WON'T loosen up FMIL or help her appreciate you. You've stolen her Baby Boy (hurk) and she's pissed. 2) She's shown you who she is. Believe her. 3) Absolutely somebody's going to be stuck trying to appease her; it doesn't have to be YOU. 4) Contact MIL as soon as you read this (unless it's 3 a.m.) and tell her that you're not her bank; her reservations will be canceled at 8 a.m. Thursday (allows her an extra day for Veteran's Day) unless you have the $1500 in full.

No, dear, you DON'T just have to front her funds; you're in a little FOG yourself. What's she going to do - spank you? Ground you? Stop speaking to you? (GOOD)

You're an adult. So is she, at least in years. You're her equal. She owes you reasonableness but you're clearly not going to get it without insisting on it.
You owe her FFF: Fair, Firm and Friendly until she's an ass, which she achieved some time ago. Now she gets Fair and Firm in perpetuity or until genuine change occurs. Perpetuity is waaaaay more likely.

Please accept that you get what you insist on rather than what you deserve. Taking this to heart - and living by it - is a significant sign of adulthood.

I hope you seize this opportunity to begin reclaiming your life; you deserve it. And maybe your very dear husband will start to see that the sky doesn't fall when mommy gets told no; that in fact things are better all around when she gets over her head exploding.

TLDR: Your experience of musicians is shaped by their performance to you, which they know is necessary to get ahead. You are not truly an "insider" to their world, largely because its mostly a boys club. Rather, you are a resource who can only be utilized if musicians make you like them. This is why you are being told and shown the things you want to hear.

Having toured in many bands and occasionally rolled in some fairly high profile circles as well, this aligns a lot with my experiences. However, the key here is that I find your experience of these guys believable, but I am also aware there is a different reality you have not, will not, and are not supposed to experience. Touring music is largely a boys club, especially rock and hip hop. Even at the low level, musicians are performers, and part of that performance is appealing to the audience down to the micro level. That includes appealing to people like you, who would be appalled by a lot of the private conversations I'm sure the nice sweet alphas you meet have. The top musicians would not be where they are if they failed to follow one of the crucial 48 laws of Power: think as you like, but act like others. This book is massively popular within the hip hop community to the point where Roberte Greene even wrote a book about 50 cent. Greene's work, especially 48 laws, is the heart and soul of true redpill imo.

My point here is that a lot of what you are experiencing is a performance unto itself. As u/Atlas_B_Shruggin has said, artists and musicians are often "show ponies" lol.

>Again, this might be just my theory, but it seems like, if you don't HATE women, like TRP does, you don't feel threatened by feminity, you also don't mind women being independent and completely liberated.

No shit, who but a liberated, "independent" woman would fuck an unshowered, unshaven, broke ass dude who lives in a van 8 months out of the year, knowing full well this will only last one night because he is constantly on the road? Also, the feminism these dudes are often encountering is the "sex positive" kind that benefits them because like you said, they are attractive and cannot meaningfully offer commitment.

>All over the internet you read that "a rejection is not a rejection" and that you have to push a girl till she gives up.

Tons of band dudes have this mentality, but it doesn't mean pester an obviously uninterested girl or literally tear her clothes off. It means if you get a no, deescalate and build more comfort before trying again. Lost track of how many t imes I've had to explain this. It's really not a tough concept.

>I explained I'm not interested in sex outside of a relationship, it was met with a complete understanding (and it was one of the guys of the "smoking hot rock star" type too).

A) you got lucky, this could have gone much worse
B) this guy DGAF's because he knows there's other pussy out there, he may have even gotten laid that same day before or after you.

>Once you are really attractive, you don't have to use tricks to become a center of attention.

LOL performance is ALL tricks to become the center of attention. Great performers have simply internalized them one way or the other. You think a good puppeteer lets you see the strings?

>As for said partners, often they are really pretty girls, but - an interesting fact - some musicians pick girls/women who are by no means considered physically attractive, but have certain achievements in their (usually artistic) field.

This happens sometimes, but those girls are almost always getting cheated on with the type of girl you think they don't want for some mind blowing reason. Their gfs are often even aware of it and don't care. Some of them even have another sidepiece, often for weird reasons like not liking to have to sleep alone while their man is on the road, which he usually is. Musicians have unspoken "open" relationships sometimes, with the dude cheating for variety of ONS and the girl having one consistent back burner dude for emotional intimacy/companionship/sex while he's gone.

>I suppose once you have a confidence of a rock star, you don't feel the need to show off that you are able to get a super hot teen babe, huh?

Once again, I am truly mind blown about female projection here. Women simply cannot accept that the motivation for fucking/dating teen babes is almost purely physical pleasure and showing off is a secondary benefit if at all. Women date men to show off status, men date women to fuck a good looking body.

I've known all types of musicians. Ultimately, band dudes are the scum of the earth and should be avoided by women looking for long term commitment and a family. Yes there are exceptions, but chances are you are just enjoying the performance ;)

EDIT: One last example I'll add is the recent wave of outrage at Warped Tour pop punk bands over the last few years. A huge amount of their fan base comes from tumblr, which of course has the unspoken assumption of feminism being a part of their bands views, so of course the bands champion this cause. Then, inevitably, almost every band has a scandal of some girl leaking screen shots of some band member scamming on 15 year old smokin hot jailbait, and the scene goes berzerk as though this hasn't been par for the course on Warped Tour since its inception. The difference is the audience now has evidence of it that can spread in a viral manner, and are mad that their perception of the band was obviously inaccurate.

It seems like you are on the right track! You were able to create an environment where you mostly stopped this behavior until it was triggered again. Have confidence in yourself and what you have done to get to this point.

It sounds like visits are causing her trauma cup to overflow with pain. To reduce the level of trauma in the cup, she needs empathy and positive support. Try validating her feelings: "sometimes it can be hard to remember how things used to be; it's ok to miss your mom and be mad at her at the same time" etc...Giving her her wishes in fantasy can help sometimes: "I bet you wish you could stay in the backyard all night playing!" and then allow her to talk about what she would do before transitioning back inside. The classic book How to Talk so Kids will Listen has great advice for supporting children's emotional needs: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=asc_df_1451663889/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312610812881&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11106678324434262084&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9006806&hvtargid=pla-406475557415&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=61194519294&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=312610812881&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11106678324434262084&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9006806&hvtargid=pla-406475557415

I've had some luck with playful engagement for snapping kids out of the "bad kid" role they sometimes learn to play in their attention starved homes. I'll act shocked and aghast and pretend to look all over the house for the "real" child's name. Or I'll pretend we are acting in a play and they are playing a role and then transition to the "scene" ending. TBRI has advice on this or read The Connected Child. https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/

First-then statements can help with predictability, trust, and felt-safety. "First we are going to clean up our toys, then we will go to the park etc..." If-then is also helpful for stating consequences when needed.

Reading her books at bedtime that explain the foster care process (she may have anxiety about returning home or suddenly being moved to a new family) and reassure her that you care about her no matter what. I absolutely love the book "Love you From Right Here." https://www.amazon.com/Love-You-Right-Here-Keepsake/dp/163296029X

Building in some sensory/regulation support proactively would probably be a good idea. Google sensory diet. You could also make a routine with a picture chart for her to help her sense of predictability. This is why playing outside likely calms her down. http://www.psychedconsult.com/uploads/5/5/2/7/5527771/9060909_orig.jpg The idea is that you do something every two hours like hopping on a hopper ball or carrying something heavy to help keep her brain and body calm.

Spending 5-15 minutes every single day no matter what to play with her one on one and use the PRIDE skills can cause remarkable change in just a few days. You can't ever take the time away though, no matter how poorly she behaves that day. http://www.impactparenting.com/storage/post-docs/PRIDE%20handout.pdf

Using time ins instead of time outs is a better practice whenever possible. Of course, as an adult, sometimes I am really the one that needs 30 seconds to get myself in a good place so I can be effective, so taking a quick time out first is sometimes needed for me. https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/userfiles/Downloadable%20Handouts/COS_Time-In.pdf

1. It depends a lot on your area, but going to munches and becoming involved in the community is the most commonly recommended way to meet people. There is also Fetlife, which is a BDSM themed Facebook equivalent.
   
   
2. She can, like most online dating she's going to have to wade through a lot of nonsense to find anything worthwhile.
   
   
3. Yes definitely. besides meeting in a public place, the first time she goes anywhere private with someone new she should set up a safecall.
   
   
4. eh, somewhat, she's now looking for a minority within a minority, so her number of potential partners isn't huge, but it is hardly unheard of for lesbians to be involved in BDSM
   
   
5. Just listen to everything she has to say, be excited when she has a good time, even if it doesn't sound fun/hot to you. My friends are all very vanilla, and I wish I could just talk honestly about this part of my life.
   
   
6. Mostly whatever she wants, any munch or meeting in a public setting should be attended in street legal casual wear. Play parties/events may have a dress code, the event coordinator will probably let her know.
   
   
7. She's an adult, as long as she displays good judgement and self control she should be OK. She may be dealling with a bit of Sub frenzy and should focus on practicing safe behaviors.
   
   
8. The intimacy and trust created/required by practicing BDSM can be very powerful, but for most people, it begins like any other relationships.
   
   
9. Yes. Like a normal human being, in many cases ones BDSM partner is also ones primary romantic partner and outside of the sexual arena you interact the same way any other couple would.
   
   The new bottoming book is invaluable for newbies, just to get some perspective. There are a ton of great kink blogs out there, just look for ones that focus more on the reality of forming a BDSM relationship rather than the fantasy.

Look for a lineage that speaks to your heart. Mastering the core teachings of the Buddha is the best direction for myself personally, which I found from this podcast which led me to this kind of wacky 3 part video, which inspired me to read the book. There is a free pdf of the book linked from the author's website. Time is probably better spent just going with something then flittering back and forth and always looking for a path but never walking one.

If you can manage to get yourself to a buddhist retreat do it. Practicing every moment every day for a week or so is incredible and I think inherently perspective/insight changing. I'd recommend studying what to do on retreats beforehand, so you are better able to practice effectively in every moment during the retreat, and better able to communicate questions to the teacher. Honestly, if you make a ten day retreat with some knowledge of what to do, and just keep on trucking through it to the end, you will probably reach insights & samadhi/jhana intensity which will make weed/alcohol appear essentially boring, and which will also really establish a pretty unshakeable Saddhā in the Dharma, with a strong sense that you know where you are going and how to get there (and a sense of how much it will actually take to get there.)

Put some dharma talks onto your phone/ipod. Listen when you drive/clean whenever seems appropriate. Joseph Goldstein is one of my favorite speakers to listen to. He's repetitive, but so are the original texts. Here is his kind of epic 46 part talk over 5 years on the Satipatthana Sutta.

I always use a timer for formal practice for myself, 20 minute sits etc., the fact that I may sincerely need to do something else timewise (eat, bathroom, pay bills) or be actually hurting myself from a certain posture for too long will require my attention otherwise.

Also, the world outside of practice is hard, especially when the heart is open. I've found The way of the Superior Man and especially some torrentable live discussions of the authors to be the most useful perspective I've come across for trying to deal with practical reality & relationships.

Metta my friend, may your path be easy and true.

First of all, congratulations! And come over to r/babybumps! A lot of questions you might not think to ask are being discussed there already.

The best way to tell your other half is... just tell him! Do it in person, and at a time where the two of you have some time to talk and be together, and do it without setting any sort of expectations or mood. Likely he will be a bit shocked at first, but unless your relationship wasn't meant to be, he will warm up to the idea (maybe even faster than you do, who knows!).

I'm 35 weeks pregnant now... I can tell you that as your pregnancy progresses, things will get more "real" mentally so don't be afraid when you experience some serious mood swings and shifts in your thoughts about the pregnancy. It might not be until your first ultrasound... or it might not be until you look into your baby's eyes for you to feel that rush of motherly love. Even women who got pregnant on purpose (like me) find themselves doubting sometimes. It's all normal.

Prenatal vitamins is a good start. Honestly, visiting an OB this early won't do much good, and in fact they often don't see women until they are at least 12 weeks (because many pregnancies miscarry in those first few weeks). At a 12 week appointment, you might do an ultrasound to confirm your due date (but if you have been charting, you probably already know exactly when you conceived), and you can start asking your OB any questions you have. But until you do the research, you might find that being under the care of a midwife, or giving birth at a birthing center (or at home) is a better fit for you. It won't hurt to see an OB, of course, but OB's are primarily surgeons so they might not give you all the support you need. Regardless, don't rely on any kind of medical caregiver 100%; take charge of your own pregnancy and birth and do the research! Once you do the research, you will be able to decide what type of birthing class is right for you (I highly recommend taking one... I took a Hypnobabies course and was very satisfied with the large amount of information they gave me, and also the confidence I feel as I get closer to my birthing day).

Here are some common book and movie recommendations:

Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth (she is the leading authority on natural birth)

Your Best Birth (and their film you can find on Netflix, The Business of Being Born)

The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth (good if you like a lot of scientific discussion on birth options)

The Baby Book by Dr. Sears. (I own this book and it makes me feel really good to have it on hand when my baby gets here... so much info!)

Let’s talk reality here. You are not this man’s equal. To him you’re a pretty girl he can ‘break in’ and fuck, manipulate, and control, because you’re naive. He’s got money and experience, hence all the control in this potential relationship. Said he got divorced but you don’t know why do you? Not really. Could be this is a pattern and his wife found out.

Facts here. You are his coworker’s very young daughter. He’s only been working there a couple years which is a very short amount of time. This dude who waited for your dad to leave to hit on you is exhibiting Extremely Poor Judgement on so many levels. He’s risking you telling your dad which will probably fuck up their friendship, which is already fucked, your dad just doesn’t know it yet. Even if you do nothing or all the things with that guy, he is still the guy who went after his friend’s daughter behind his back.

I mean honestly, there’s no good way this will play out here. This dude is telling you want you want to hear (so mature and smart). Point is to make you feel good and valued, it’s the beginning of what’s called grooming. How will your dad feel if you say yes? Would you reject your dad for this man you honestly barely know? Btw the odds of your dad staying friends with this guy no matter what are not high, but you gotta decide who you want to be loyal to.

This isn’t going to last even if you do go. He’s 50+, in 20 years he could be in an assisted care facility. In 30 he will probably be dead. In 20 years you should be living your awesome life, maybe have kids or working a career you love or traveling or who knows… or you could be wasting your key years of young adultness on this old ass who is gonna manipulate you as long as he can.

I’m in my mid 40s, and young adults like you are very attractive. Y’all so filled with life and excitement, and there’s a thrill about beginning your life that many of us would like to re-experience. But people your are are basically baby adults. You have spent the majority of your life as a child. Your early 20s are key years where you learn what it is to be an adult. They may not be the best years of your life but what you do now will be the foundation of what will come. Because of that people my age should be mentors, not lovers.

I would strongly advise you not use this precious time and sabotage your relationships with your family and friends for some old dick.


So, IF YOU’RE GONNA DO IT ANYWAY, here’s my advice.

Do this only on your terms. Do not give him power over you. He wants what you are, that gives you bargaining power. He may offer money or gifts, be clear that if you accept that you don’t want to feel obligated to him for sex or time. Prioritize your life above everything. Don’t quit college if you’re in school and don’t quit your job if you have one. Even if he offers to pay for everything. The moment he does that for you, you lose all agency. Best advice my G-ma had was you should always have ‘mad money’ to get you out of any situation/relationship. Keep in contact with friends, don’t let him isolate you from everyone who loves you.

May/December relationships rarely last. Anything is possible but that doesn’t make it probable. Maybe this dude is legit and just happened to get a crush on a girl old enough to be his adult daughter and otherwise he’s healthy and stable. From the other side though, people who date young adults generally go through them like tissue leaving emotional damage wake behind them. You’re not on the same level, he has practice and knows exactly what to say to you to get you to melt. Sounds appealing until you figure out he’s just using you.


If you have any twinge of doubt, listen to it.

There’s a book I think all young people should read called The gift of fear. It covers situations like this.

Honestly if this dude was legit he would have talked to your dad, his friend, before making a pass.

Good luck.

Empathy plus economics.

I'm nonreligious, but my parents required me to attend church every Sunday growing up, regardless of my belief. I suspect that the pastor may have not believed entirely, because regardless of how much I believed in God, I could always take something away from his sermons. This (plus, perhaps, natural disposition) left me extremely empathetic to the plight of the less fortunate. I'm not sure how I'd be if I'd been brought up differently, but I certainly remember feeling strong emotions about reducing suffering in that Sanctuary.

What happens when you reduce the price of something? Well, it depends. There's a whole song and dance involving indifference curves and maximizing a utility function, but coming at it intuitively: it might be such a better bargain that I spend more money on it. Or, I might buy more of it in total, but since the price is reduced, this means I'm spending less money on it. Or, it might be a Giffen good, meaning that I buy less of it, since I can now afford to buy other things that I want more. Because of my background, my reaction to finding out there's incredibly effective charities with funding gaps means I have the first reaction.

I should probably also mention [flow](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology), since Csikszentmihalyi's book has lead me to believe that maximizing happiness tends to be very inexpensive. Biggest example: I don't own a car because I prefer biking to driving. The biggest difference between what I do and frugality is that my not spending money is a result of happiness-maximizing, which means it has exceptions. In particular, I play a classical instrument which costs about as much as a used car, if I performed more, it'd cost as much as a new car. But, beyond that, I spend almost nothing because doing things that cost money incurs a utility penalty, since I tend to find them less fun than freer stuff.

Oh, and the 10% comes from this blog post. When I reach extremely high levels of financial security, that number will likely increase to 50%, because of how charitable deductions work in my country.

tl;dr: after seeing how much good the best charities could do for so little, my natural reaction was to throw large amounts of money at them. As a bonus, it's literally impossible to make me feel guilty for not giving money to anything else or not being politically active.

I had to respond, there are way too many parallels in our stories.

I’m 35 (M &gay). Like you I realised my father was deeply disordered (even before I understood and recognised NPD). I was about 32 when I began to fully join-the-dots and understand narcissism. I am now no contact with my father over two years. Initially I was still in contact with my enabling mother.

My mother had always maintained contact and wanted to know everything. She had this strange obsession with me ‘not being settled’ – this was despite being with the same partner, in the same city for nearly 5 years, being fully independent financially, with a successful professional career, having supported myself through my Bachelor’s Degree.

I think what she really meant was that I hadn’t ‘achieved’ the same material success as the Golden Child. This would have of course been impossible given the toxic level of nepotism within the family and inordinate levels of material wealth that flowed the Golden Child’s way (from wealthy toxic parents). From my mother comments were always very subtle but de-valuing and invalidating none the less.

I subsequently went no contact with her several months ago after understanding her crucial role in the whole dynamic. I didn’t want to vicarious connection to my narcissistic father or family. It was clear my mother had just been helicoptering all these years. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201810/why-narcissistic-parents-treat-their-children-babies

I fully support your statement about surviving both of them because of YOU! (This rings so true).

I think understanding the pathology is the first crucial step. Having a partner who understands is really helpful for the healing journey too. For us (as ACONS) it is easy to read an article, identify and connect. For those who grew up in non-disordered families understanding might take more of an effort. Prior to going no contact with my folks my boyfriend did once stay with them. He felt so uncomfortable around my father (for good reason) that we left to stay with a friend (we live at a different side of the country from my folks). Whilst he is supportive and understanding he didn’t experience toxic parenting (and resulting emotional impacts). Try to find some appropriate resources to help your partner understand the trauma you have been exposed to.

I came out as gay in my early teens. I face homophobia within the family, at school and in the community. Despite proclamations of supposedly being supportive my mother astounded me last year by suggested in an email that I should not have come out so young but should have waited until later like such-and-such. This was like 20 years after my coming out and her/their supposed acceptance. Again all about image and how the family appears. Thankfully I have not lived anywhere near to them for the over a decade.

I too was conditioned to the narcissistic family dynamic. No amount of achievement was/would ever be enough despite development of highly perfectionistic tendencies. Decisions and choices were always overtly or subtly undervalued, or compared to the Golden Child’s. Like you I defended my mother, pitied her and had carried a life-long urge to rescue her from my father’s abuse (I am now unburdened of that weight).

It truly is a disturbing reality to wake up to. Despite this, I wouldn’t wish to un-see the pathology.

Inevitably the way we were parented has impacted our internal emotional landscapes. You talk about being triggered by your partner. Have you looked in to CTPSD? Earlier on in my recovery I was severely triggered (not just in my relationship with my partner). Things have definitely gotten better for me. Have you undertaken any therapy?

There is an excellent book by Pete Walker on this subject:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1543395285&sr=8-1&keywords=cptsd

I also highly recommend Dr Judy WTF. She really gets the narcissistic family thing. There are so many videos on her channel:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOJvZ0gxCu_G5ufZjsI3TCw/videos

Things will get better : )

A lot of books can offer valid practical advice, but AFAIK, there is no one compendium that you have to read. The best thing you can do is develop a mindset consisting of your values regarding interpersonal interaction. Social skills are 80% mindset and 20% taking a plunge and a willingness to try.


Apart from the books I suggested in the other thread, I can only advise you to branch out:

• Many people, among them myself, appreciate ancient stoicism (Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius). Philosophy, ethics in particular, can be highly beneficial, because it forces you to actually think about what your values are supposed to look like.
  
  
• /r/howtonotgiveafuck is modern stoicism and relates to our discussion about how much you should care.The quality varies - I haven't checked it out lately, but it went through excellent and less than stellar phases.
  
  
• It is always useful to understand body language, to avoid sending negative body signals, understand others better and become more expressive. This book is great.
  
  
• /r/getsuave is a subreddit aimed at those who want to build charisma and navigate social situations with elegance. It is concerned with dating and attraction a lot.
  
  
• "How to win friends and influence people" will probably be suggested. It was revolutionary when it came out, but today, it's more of a staple. An interesting read, but not the holy grail. Also less manipulative than the title suggests.
  
  
• Personality psychology, albeit a fuzzy field, might prove useful. It can open your eyes to how different people are, which can lead to a better understanding of yourself and others. MBTI is highly popular, but entirely unscientific - the theory behind it is wobbly and wonky. If you want to take a test, I'd suggest this one, as it cuts down on the theory fluff and aims at incorporating Big5, the most reliable and scientific tool to date.

> Does it help to be straight forward (but not too straight forward) that you want sex with someone?

The goal is to want her to feel that you would like to have sex with her, but you dont need to have sex with her.

> How do you compliment a girls looks or physique in a seductive way without being creepy?

Stick with complimenting her style. Complimenting on the things she clearly put effort into doing is much more meaningful than complimenting her on something she was born with and can not control. The key to compliments is having reason why you like what you see, and letting her know that reason. "I like [this] about you because [reason]".

> What do women really think when a guy buys them a drink?

If she likes you, she probably thinks its a means to spend more time doing something together. If she doesn't like you, she probably just wants a free drink.

> Do they like it when you mention that you have a lot of sexual experience?

no.

> Is it easier to seduce women in a loud bumpin' club or a quiet cocktail lounge?

Yes.

> What shows confidence through looks?

If you confident in yourself, you believe everything about you matters. If everything about you matters, everything about how you look matters. If you matter most, how would you look?

> Should money be brought in the situation?

No

> Do girls always go for men with lots of money?

No

> It would be nice to also get some tips on things I haven't asked too.

Judging by these questions, you seem to be a little misguided. Don't fret, that's why this sub is here. Many people in the pickup community started down this road after they read (the now grossly outdated) Neil Strauss' "The game". My personal advice is to start with more foundational inner-game concepts about seduction, and then move on to the more applicable outter-game techniques later. Foundational concepts to pickup are rooted in evolutionary bio/psych. I would recommend reading Mark Manson's Models. Trust me, I wouldn't recommend Models if it wasn't worth the time and money. These concepts could change your entire prospective on how social interactions really work, and sometimes thats all you need.

I don't have a device to measure HRV, but studies point out that if you slow down the number of breaths per minute, you increase HRV. Higher HRV is also linked to more willpower, according to Kelly McGonigal in her book:


https://www.amazon.com.br/Willpower-Instinct-Self-Control-Works-Matters/dp/1583335080


This post summarizes her point:


> Pause-and-plan gives you a few precious moments to bring your higher brain back on line and increase your heart rate variability. Not just lowering your heart rate/blood pressure and returning to a calmer baseline, but increasing your heart rate variability -the capacity of the heart to respond to changes in input from the body in a flexible way. Higher HRV allows people to better ignore distractions, delay gratification, persevere with difficult tasks, tolerate critical feedback and resist temptation. Psychologists consider heart rate variability a key predictor of willpower.

> One technique to apply the pause-and-plan response and improve your heart rate variability is to slow down you breathing to four to six breaths per minute. Ten to fifteen seconds per breath rather than the normal ten breaths per minute (or much faster when we’re stressed). One or two minutes of breathing at this slower pace can shift the body and brain from a state of stress to a mode of self-control with more capacity to handle cravings and challenges to our willpower. (One study found that a daily 20 minute practice of slowed breathing increased heart rate variability and thus willpower reserves among adults recovering from substance abuse and post-traumatic stress disorder.) There are even apps such as Breath Pace to help you slow down your breathing.

> https://lindagraham-mft.net/strengthening-willpower-a-key-step-in-strengthening-resilience/


There's also this video:


Improve Willpower in 5 Mins | How Heart Rate Variability helps Brain Functio


So, it seems to me that, perhaps, slowing down the frequency of your breaths might be a good pre-meditation practice.

I think that’s probably a lot for a first weekend.

I would say maybe hand cuffs with her wrists together in front or behind her first time. Preferably above her head or something so you can have sex facing her so you can see her reactions.

You could use the vibrating egg on her during that time and “force” (tell) her to keep her legs open to add a more dominant twinge.

If it goes well, you could hand cuff her to the bed. Maybe try sex-appropriate candles (honestly I suggest soy oil massage candles to start) and use that perhaps with ice and cooling or warming lube (on her nipples and nether regions) while she is handcuffed in an X. You could even add ankle cuffs.

After a little bit of experimenting, I would say you both sit down and answer questions on this couples quiz. You should both fill out the comments too!

https://carnalcalibration.com/en


Keep this in mind - Emotion is the start to good sexual connection. - Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages

So while adding or even just contemplating/considering new sexual activities can spark hormones and increase libido, you need to get a trustworthy introduction to BDSM.... I would suggest this book: Jay Wise’s SM

https://www.amazon.com/101-Realistic-Introduction-Jay-Wiseman/dp/0963976389

Order of progression that I would suggest:

1. hand cuffs and ankle cuffs in positions where you can see her face and see her reaction
   
   
2. Add temperature play - think cooling lube, warming lube (highly suggest System Jo), massage candle (highly suggest Jimmy Jane), drip candles (made for BDSM as they burn at a lower temperature), nipple stimulating gels (such as Jelique Nipple Nibblers).
   
   
3. Add sensation overload in a pleasurable way. Consider “forced” orgasm. Think of it this way, you could restrain her in an x shape using the hand cuffs and ankle cuffs. Then you stimulate her using toys, such as a vibrator or a magic wand externally while you finger her, or using a rabbit vibrator (highly recommend the Jimmy Jane Glo which is a flexible warming rabbit), or you finger her or eat her out. The idea is you decide how many times she must orgasm before you fuck her. She’ll be begging for your cock.
   
   On the other hand, you could do orgasm denial. It’s where you tell her she can’t cum until a certain thing, and she tries not to. She’ll be begging to be “allowed” to cum. If she cums without permission, you could punish her such as spanking her.
   
   
4. Add spanking and consider adding a large surface area paddle that is flexible. Slowly progress to smaller and less flexible paddles. Then when she’s ready you can consider adding a flogger.
   
   
5. Consider buying new/different sex toys. Companies like PinkCherry offer a lot of options. Try discount code PINK35 for 35% off.
   
   
6. If you are both interested in considering anal, check out B-vibe (https://www.bvibe.com/best-selling-bundles/butt-plug-set-for-beginners.html). They have excellent starter kits that include lube, toy cleaner and even a booklet for introduction to anal. Enjoy 20% off your first order with the code BVIBES.
   
   On a further note:
   I suggest using System Jo lubes!! They have a lot of options and something for everyone (just remember that you cannot use silicone lube with silicone toys.) And if you are into oral sex or rim jobs, definitely try their gelato flavored lube as well as the creme brulee and banana!!
   
   Have fun!!!

This is going to get buried under the shitload of answers you are getting, but I hope you see this, or that it'll at least help someone else.

I've had this problem for a few months now : even hanging out with friends, I was losing the capacity of having a conversation. I started talking more and more about me, and the more I talked, the more I felt like a douche. So I took steps.
First, I started asking more questions about the stories people were telling, refraining myself to tell my side of the story, my view of the story, or just my story ('cause this behavior sucks ass). For a while, it was getting better, but it didn't feel natural.

After an evening at a friend's place, where we had a closeup magician doing a show, I realized that it was not only about what I was saying, it was about what I was thinking that made me feel like a douche. This guy, this magician, was so charming, so fucking captivating. It was my first time experiencing closeup magic, and I was just sold. After the show, I went and asked him how he was doing it. Not the magic tricks, but the social tricks. He told me that he read lots of books, and that basically, he was convincing himself before each show, to be who he needed to be. He was acting, he was playing a fucking nice guy who didn't give two shits about himself but only cared about others. And it caught on, became more natural. He mastered this skill, and went from doing magic shows all around the world (even Vegas) to giving conferences to leaders on how to be better managers.

After reading some of those books, and doing a bit of research, I understood what he was saying : Fake it until you make it. I actually discovered through some TED talks (amazing stuff) that you can fake it until you become it.

From my point of view, there's a couple of skills to master to become a good conversationalist. Body language is very important : to understand the body language of others to better adapt yours and be seen as non-threatening. You have to understand the science of influence, and how humans react to interactions with others. And to become a master at it : you have to be sincere. You can't fake honesty 100%. Somewhere along the way, your body language will screw you, or you'll slip and people will understand that you are faking it. That is why you have to become a character who doesn't fake it.

Here is the list of the books and videos I read/watched about those skills. Some where recommended on Reddit, others I just found them. The books are sorted by most important in my opinion. And even if I bought them (thrift or not), you can still find all of them online.

• Videos
  
• TED Talk : Body language and the power of the hands
  
• TED Talk : Fake until you become it
  
• TED Talk : How to manage your stress (when talking in public)
  
• TED Talk : How to speak so people will want to listen
  
• The Science of Influence
  
• Books
  
  
• How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie
  
• What Every BODY Is Saying - An ex FBI agent's guide to speed reading people - Joe Navarro
  
• Influence : Science and Practice - Robert Cialdini
  
• It's Not All About "Me": The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone - Robin Dreeke
  
• Yes!, 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to Be Persuasive - Noah Goldstein, Steve Martin, Robert Cialdini
  
  
• Phil Hellumth Presents Read Em and Reap - Joe Navarro, Marvin Karlins, Hellmuth Phil
  
• The Definitive Book of Body Language - Barbara Pease, Allan Pease
  
  Hope it helps.

I'm 17 weeks with my first, so I don't have personal experience to draw from yet - but I'm going for it with as much preparation as possible. I'm an over-preparer. :D

We're going with CNMs (certified nurse-midwives) at a birth center. Because it's an out-of-hospital birth with hospital transfer for emergencies, there's very few interventions available for normal births. Throughout even the first trimester they've heavily stressed preparation. Here are some things they've emphasized:

1. Staying active. "Labor is like a marathon - it's important to have stamina, strength, and good aerobic capacity." They advised me to exercise most days for at least 30 minutes, especially walking or jogging and swimming. I suck at aerobic activity, but I've been doing my best to keep up with it. I'm also doing deep squats (weighted and unweighted) to keep my legs and pelvic floor in shape.
   
   
2. Keeping tabs on the recommended weight gain. I don't actually put a ton of stock in BMI because it doesn't take into account your composition (I was lifting heavy beforehand and had built up some decent muscle), but it seems like a decent tool here - the USDA has a good set of charts for weight gain based on BMI.
   
   
3. Taking classes. Our CNMs recommended Bradley (partner coached childbirth). I don't know exactly how helpful it will be, but at least we'll get to connect with other like-minded moms and dads to be.
   
   
4. Reading up. I've really liked Ina May Gaskin's book. She provides so many personal experience stories, which really helps to put me in the frame of mind that not only is it possible, but the experience can be beautiful and transforming... and that approach seems comforting. Her approach is heavily biased against "needless" hospital practices, so you can take it with a grain of salt if you like. For more personal stories, there's also her older book Spiritual Midwifery.

Pete, setup informational interviews at organizations near you, professional and college. This is a form of networking that will help you learn who holds positions who will give you 10-30 minutes of their time to learn about duties and skills in different roles at different ballclubs.

You have to ask, ask, ask, but you will learn of many ways you know someone who works at these clubs. Use your networks to find connections that are 1,2,3 levels deep. You will find its likely that over time you'll only have to go 1 or 2 levels of connection. Ask the athletic departments at your university. A lot of clubs have spring training in AZ, so you're likely in a good spot to find connections. Here is an example of what you could ask:

> I'm so_and_soap, a senior here at NAU. I'm interested in working with MLB and am wondering if there are some staff here who can help me setup informational interviews at the Diamondbacks, MLB?

There are three goals (or however many you make up) for informational interviews.

1. Get answers to the questions you have about skills and duties. Skills are valuable to learn; by knowing the required skills you will interview well and likely do the job well. Duties help you think about the jobs you would like.
   
   
2. Get the word out that you want to get an entry level job when you graduate, titles might include coordinator, analyst, associate, etc. Be open, say yes to things.
   
   
3. Build your network. It is nice to meet people and is the most likely way to get anything done in business. Don't feel an obligation to be close with informational interview people. Keep it light and focussed, having fun. You will run into the same people over time and relationships will build from it. In the meantime, they might be able to help you with making introductions to people who have the power to hire you. It is these people you who can hire you that you want to meet.
   
   
   Patience
   You might find something at your ballclub within your search timeframe quickly. Most likely, though, you will need to include more companies in your search. Whatever the job, focus on developing those skills you think ae most important to land you at MLB or other targetted companies.
   
   
   Networking ideas:
   Linkedin, parents, university alumni, directories, friends, friends' parents, guest lecturers, professors, bosses
   
   
   Say Yes
   In your replies to comments you have said 3 times that you don't know something or don't have requisite skill for something. That is not productive nor useful to your efforts. Instead think of a question that might get that piece of information answered.
   
   
   Resources
   
   Highly Effective Networking by Orville Pierson
   
   Use your head to get your foot in the door by Harvey Mackay
   
   Nonviolent Communication
   
   Spin Selling
   

Here are a few things that worked for me

1. Exercise is a strategy that can be effective. Many studies show that people who exercise regularly benefit with a positive boost in mood and lower rates of depression.
   
   
   
2. Diet
   I found bananas to be a great mood enhancer. It is alleged that tryptophan helps your body make serotonin which can positively impact your mood.
   
   Obviously a good diet in general can have a positive impact on your mood which can have a positive impact on your mental health.
   
   
3. Doing what you love. Recently when I was really low I started doing more of what I enjoyed. This gave me a purpose and made my life a lot easier and more enjoyable. In your context this may be the videographer/director ambition.
   
   
4. Mind Over Mood is a popular book for people that feel depressed. Here is a link https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mind-Over-Mood-Change-Changing/dp/0898621283
   
   
5. Some people find self help books effective. Authors like Tony Robbins, Dale Carnigie etc. Maybe these authors could inspire you to start pursuing your videographer/director ambition.
   
   
6. It is to my understanding that your GP can refer you to a self help group. I would assume they would have some expertise and experience and would be able to give you support.
   
   
7. With regards to suicide here is the contact for the Samaritans
   116 123 (UK)
   116 123 (ROI)
   
   I sincerely hope this information is helpful. And I sincerely hope you find the answers that you are looking for

You should be more specific about what you're hoping to learn. There are thousands of resources out there in regards to entrepreneurship, marketing, website development & eCommerce. You could find pretty much anything you want if you phrase it correctly.

Example Searches

• How to setup Facebook ads
  
• How to start a business under $1,000
  
• Growth hacking (tips and tricks on growing your business fast)
  
• How to build a wordpress website + top wordpress plugins
  
• How to create a landing page
  
• Best community bulletin board software
  
• How to build a Facebook group
  
• How to create YouTube videos
  
  ​
  
  You can just keep going from there.
  
  The basics of what you'll need, assuming you know nothing (which I doubt) would be this.
  
  
• How to build a website (wordpress, html, Wix, Squarespace, .etc)
  
• How to build an audience (paid + organic, FB + Google + Instagram + Pinterest + YouTube + Reddit)
  
  Everything else you just figure out along the way based on how you want to monetize your audience and quite honestly, no book is going to help you figure that out.
  
  You'll learn a lot more just hanging out on Reddit and watching YouTube videos on the subject matter that's next on your checklist. Books are almost purely inspirational at this point and I think we can agree there are plenty of Podcasts that will help you find inspiration (and skill), such as The Top (Nathan Latka) or Mixergy
  
  If you study hustlers you'll get all the information and inspiration you could ever hope for. Read or watch anything from Noah Kagan (AppSumo). No one does it better than him. Ryan Holiday (not an affiliate link) is another favorite of mine. There are also some older Tim Ferriss articles that really talk about how you approach certain businesses.
  
  Like I said, man. It's all out there. You don't need to pay $1 for information, you just have to know what to look for and if you listen to a few podcasts or read a few beginner articles you'll figure out pretty quickly the steps you need to take next.
  
  ​
  
  Some Books I Like (no affiliate links)
  
  
• The Obstacle Is The Way: Ryan Holiday
  
• Extraordinary Popular Delusions And The Madness of Crowds: Charles Mackay
  
• Secrets Of A Master Closer: Mike Kaplan
  
• Hooked: Nir Eyal
  
• The Art Of Learning: Josh Waitzken
  
• The 4 Hour Workweek: Tim Ferriss (Maybe the best entrepreneur book of all time)
  
• Pitch Anything: Oren Klaff
  
• The Gambler: William C. Rempel
  
• and of course...How To Win Friends & Influence People: Dale Carnegie (everyone MUST read this book)

1. He resents you because he feels obligation to keep you entertained. He's putting an unreasonable expectation on himself. You need to sit down and explain to him that you and he can have your own interests, and spend time apart, and that's okay. Loving each other doesn't mean spending every waking moment doing the same things. And if you like sitting around the house and playing video games, so be it. Every couple learns this within the first few years.
   
   
2. The other side of that coin is, you need to be completely honest with each other about your needs. In other words, if that "You should go" was a loaded, "You should go, but you're going to pay for it later because I'm going to make you feel guilty," don't do that. If it really, honest to god wasn't loaded, then he got his wires crossed because he thought it was. You need to tell him when you want companionship, and if you say it's okay for him to go, you should be okay with it. It goes both ways, too. He needs to be honest as well.
   
   
3. Friends drift apart as people's priorities and lifestyles change. It's a natural part of life, and it happens. Life is all about choices, and if he chose you over his friends, that's a choice he made freely and is free to undo at least until you get married. It's time for him to put on his big boy pants and take responsibility for being an adult and making decisions. Resenting you for a natural process is a bullshit move; you need to stop this tendency right now, or when he hits his midlife crisis it could be all your fault. There are a thousand things he's going to miss out on because of the compromise that is commitment; the opportunity to become a bad-ass secret ops super soldier, or to move to Alaska and become a lumberjack, or to live in Japan for six months, or to have sex with three supermodels at the same time, or become a priest. Whatever scenario he can possibly dream up that he chose not to do in order to put energy into the relationship. You will make choices in life because of your commitment. Everyone does. That's what a relationship is, and you can't blame each other for the cost of it. Life is about making choices and accepting the consequences. If he's got unfinished business that he's going to resent you for forever, the best move is to end the relationship and move on. If he wants to choose the relationship, fine, let him choose it, and do so freely and with no regrets.
   
   
4. Making you feel guilt or like the did this monumental thing for you in order to leverage something for his own gain is a tactic called loan sharking. It's a bullshit move, a red flag, and emotional manipulation. If he tries to leverage the guilt he's making you feel, call him out on it. You don't owe him shit; you're a team. If he doesn't want to be part of the team, he's free to leave at any time, but he'd better decide before the wedding.
   
   This may sound completely unrelated, but you may want to read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.

A Good Easy Read To Start With There's a teen version too.

You're still a long way off from teen years. Don't worry. 7 years old is normal to develop a crush but at that age a crush just means someone you think is a cute and funny. When she's along the lines of 10-12 is when most girls start having "boyfriends" but even then it'll be something that lasts a week at most. Don't bog her down with a lot of love advice right now. The best thing you can do is just listen. If she has a question, answer it, but don't give unsolicited advice because you will probably be wasting your breath. If you feel like you NEED to give advice one thing you can say is, "Would you like to know what I would do if I were in this situation?" and she'll probably say yes and want to hear it.

Definitely give her some books about her body's changes and how to say no and all that. Amazon has a lot of good ones. There was one by American Girl called The Care and Keeping of You which gives age appropriate advice on puberty and hygiene. Girl's Life magazine is GREAT for young girls. It gives age appropriate advice, has a lot of learning content, and a lot of articles about puberty. Having "the talk" just once is not enough. It's a series of conversations. And having books and magazines to refer to over time is so helpful. You don't want her googling to find out those things or asking her friends.

Don't spy on her, ever. The one time she catches you doing it, she will pretty much never trust you again. Also, unless she very seriously does something to break your trust, do not do things which would invade her privacy without her consent. Stuff like going through her phone or taking her bedroom door away. That's stuff you should only do if you think she might be a danger to herself and others and you have to do a serious intervention. Girls take their private space very seriously. If you raise her right and make her feel safe, she will come to you before you ever have to go to her. I promise.

And this feeling is even greater in people identifying as having 'Codependent' personalities:

From this page:

http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-documents/patternsPage/ and the cached version

Excerpts:

• I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
  
• My unselfishness is often misconstrued or misperceived with negative results.
  
• I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
  
• I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
  
• I compromise my own values and integrity too much, to avoid rejection or anger.
  
• I put aside my own interests too much in order to do what others want.
  
• I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
  
• I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
  
• I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
  
• I can defiantly take care of myself without any help from others, but
  
• I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
  
• I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
  
• I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve, but at the same time:
  
• I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
  
• I think 'The more I suffer, the more it shows I really care'
  
  Some things to consider:
  
  
• For those of you who are thinking that these excerpts apply to you, click on the link and check the full list. If some most of them apply to you, do some research on your own, whether that's a coda meeting, buying a book, or just reading some more literature. I know you'll feel a lot better soon.
  
  
• I have felt more caring and compassion at CoDA meetings than I ever have with most people. We're nice, we promise!
  
  
• Most people deal with their codependency with a particular drug of choice, whether it's liquor, wine, beer, porn, coke, pot, food, or exercise. Honesty time: Mine is food.
  
  
• So, either type of Jameson (Jenna or liquor) listed elsewhere in this comment section may help cover up those feelings, but only for a bit.
  
  
• As for God: All that's required is just a 'higher power'. I'm an atheist; I still go. I replace it with 'Nature' or 'The Universe'. Anyone who admonishes you for not believing in their God is acting inappropriately, really. Really.
  
  
• A great book, it really helped me: Codependent No More
  
  
• This does not demonize consideration or empathy. People who are codependent can't help feeling this way, to a fault. We 'help until it hurts', and we can't stop. A balance is crucial, and the program is helping me find the right balance.
  
  
• If you don't feel this way, please don't criticize those who do. Everyone is different and everyone has things they already have a good balance with.
  
  
• A $20 book or an hour long meeting is a small commitment to potentially discover something incredible about yourself, even if you decide afterwards that it doesn't apply.

I recently read Codependent No More and I can’t recommend it enough. It has really helped me see how my old thinking and behavior in relationships kept me locked in unhealthy patterns and kept me from developing as a person, independently of what anyone else was doing. It’s helping me realize that the only person who I can or should try to control is myself.

I’m currently reading The Language Of Letting Go by the same author, which has daily thoughts about about the same topics. It has also been hugely helpful to me, and is available for free, along with other recovery readings, at recoveryreadings.com.

When I first got sober this time around I went to an Alanon meeting, which is a support group for people who are in relationships with alcoholics. I’m not currently in a relationship, and it didn’t feel entirely relevant to where I am right now, but it’s a fantastic resource and might be worth checking out.

Therapy has also been a great resource and support for me. I’ve gotten sober before while living with an active alcoholic. My ex was not as regular or as compulsive of a drinker as I was, but he still drank regularly, in unhealthy ways, and addiction popped up in a lot of ways, for both of us, in how we lived our lives. It was tough for me to stay focused on doing what I needed to do to take care of myself and support my sobriety. I worked a lot on putting effort into it, but I didn’t look for ways to get the support that I needed. More support, earlier, would’ve helped me a lot.

That’s just my experience, for what it’s worth. I wish you luck, and it sounds like you’re in a loving and healthy headspace regarding all of this.

I cannot stress this enough: do not be coy with him. Don't be vague, don't drop hints, don't slip a coil of rope under his pillow. A partner who is straightforward and unambiguous in their sexual interests is male Nirvana, and I don't mean the band. Conversely, someone who is vague and hint dropping without ever clearly defining what is and is not okay is hellish. When it is something like this where the line between "happy fun times" and "sexual assault and/or battery" can be really thin, that's cheerfully waltzing into the land of eternal vanilla sex.

Men LIKE knowing what their partners are into. Having a partner with specific turnons like yours is awesome. Having a partner with a fetish is, usually, even more awesome. Be open, be gentle, explain that you will be content without these activities but that you fantasize about doing this with him and that you would really like to try. Stress the imperial "we" if you think he is going to be uncomfortable in the context of "doings things to you." Work with eachother to create safe practices, and set clear limits and boundaries. While it might kill the romance a little, having a "script" of things you want done to you will help, especially if you are just going to add in a rough element or two to normal sexual sessions to gradually introduce him to the idea. If he loves you enough to marry you, he loves you enough to work with you on this. We can be surprisingly trainable when it comes to finding things sexually arousing.

Some recommended reading!

• Sex is Fun!
  
• The Guide to Getting it On
  
• Erotic Bondage Handbook, which has a good safety focus
  
• This looks good, though I have not read it myself.
  
  Good luck!

Therapy is absolutely worth it imo. BUT and the big but is that you need to find the right kind of therapist. There are many, many different types of therapy out there. Personally? I felt like I wasted thousands on talking therapy in the beginning and I just kept rehashing and reliving the trauma with pretty much no progress.

The therapies that I got the most out of because of my trauma was 1. Havening - had the quickest most immediate response to this so therefore it ended up being the cheapest 2. Hypnotherapy - I got a lot out of this because while I logically knew a lot of truths but so much of it wasn't being accepted by my subconscious for some reason. Hypnotherapy sorted that 3. EMDR - also great.

Now I do talking therapy for current stuff going on in my life to get a sounding board and unbiased opinion. That was just me - but talking to 'fix' was the biggest waste of time and money for me - however, talking to maintain has been great. Ultimately you need to find your own therapeutic path. It's pretty frustrating because there isn't a one size fits all. Then on top of it, especially with talking therapists you need to have a connection. So you are constantly having to give the whole story over and over. I found the other therapies had a much better effect on me and allowed me to connect with a therapist much easier once I felt I was more in maintenance mode vs crisis mode.

Im not sure where you are but I feel like there are probably websites out there that review therapists.

Also: some really great books that helped me (and are much cheaper) are:

• Reinventing your life: The breakthrough program to end negative behaviour and feel great again This was the first book a therapist had me read and told me that she thought exploring other therapies (the ones above) would be of better benefit to me at the time being. She was right - this book really helped me understand the 'lifetraps' I was caught in.
  
• The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma great for explaining all the different types of therapies out there that can better help you - especially in terms of CPTSD.
  
• Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
  
• F**k It Therapy really was a good read to say fuck it and that I am in control of my own happiness - nobody else. No matter what they do.
  
  Good luck!

Be warned, this will be very long, however i wanted to share my experiences up to this point and some ideas on what you could do. I hope this does help you, and anyone else whom is reading.

Definitely join clubs. you may want to look into Student Government since it's a great way to meat people and get involved with your school. Also, if you have a Student Center, hang out there often. If you're commuting, make sure you get to school probably an hour or two early. Also, perhaps a Cafe would be a good idea as well. One issue that I have is that there isn't a whole lot of recreational clubs in College, or Community college for that matter. Find something that can pertain to your field. Aside from College, when i'm usually at Comic Con's, I will see advertisements for a few groups that meet up occasionally. You may also want to try the whole Speed dating thing I mentioned earlier that is usually held at Comic Con... just be warned there will be a few interesting characters however.

You may also want to check in with any Mom and pop cafe's if you have any near you. They may host events. There's one down the street from where I live that does a Chess night which i'm interested in. You're also going to need to set goals. My goal for now is to try to get a girlfriend before my 20th Birthday, and that's only 6 months away, but it will hopefully motivate myself to work very very hard. People say that the moment you "stop caring" or "stop trying" is the moment you find a girlfriend. Even though I have no experience with women beyond asking them out and being rejected unfortunately, you do have to try. What's helped me is to think of dating as if you would look for a job. You can't put all your eggs in one basket. You can't focus on only one employer to hire you, as much as you can't focus on only one girl to go out with you. Dating is very much so a numbers game. Luck does seem to play a part.

I've gone from shaking like crazy at the thought of talking to a girl, I always rationalized myself out of approaching women. I trained myself to be a bit more "brave" I guess you could call it. At first i just started complimenting girls weather it be customers at my job, peers, anyone, and at first i was extremely nervous with that whole idea. I even tried rationalizing not to even tell a girl that I like her eyes, or her hair, or her clothes, but eventually I got myself to a point where I don't feel excruciatingly nervous when talking to a girl. I still feel awkward at times when I give out a compliment, but I usually leave with some feelings of satisfaction. Another thing I really started doing is cold approaching. Now instead of just complimenting someone, I tried to strike up a conversation.

Now it didn't go too bad, but it didn't end great but I feel as though it did prepare me for other things in some level. Over the last year and a half, or even perhaps the last 4 years, I've asked out over 30 girls. None of which were interested in me, many of which rejected me on the spot, others which led me on and used me quite a lot. One thing you should be aware of is that, you're not going to leave this unscathed. You're going to have some baggage accumulated over the years, and you're going to be fighting a lot to not feel burnt out, to not become bitter, to not become resentful. It's going to be hard work trying to stay positive, especially when it's a lot easier to give the world the middle finger and sit in front of your computer, but I hope for your sake, and mine that we'll get out of this hell of which we call Forever alone and I fucking hope this will be all worth it.

EDIT: You may also want to look at these resources as they have helped me to a degree:

Books:

No More MR Nice guy

How to win friends and influence people

Websites/Blogs:

Shakedown Lab

Nick Notas

Youtube:

Stephan Erdman; Dating Coach

Simple Pickup

A few things I've learned that help...

​

1.) Get a therapist, check your insurances coverage first.

- After that you can find some that specialize in what you need, email a few to see if it would be a good fit for you. This website (Psychology Today) is like a google search for mental health help.

2.) Focus on self love and self care make a morning, nightly, and weekly routine. Commit to having "me time." This is just like making sure you have three meals a day.

- Make a special day/night for yourself once a week. Think if you were going on a date with your crush and all of the things you would do to make it so special, but that date is with yourself!

3.) Read Codependent No More

4.) The more you work on yourself, the better you can empower others by just your own [radiant] positivity; by this you are prioritizing your needs first always.

- This is a personal belief I have found through everyone from athletics to artists. I've learned the most in life from people who have improved their own situation to the fullest, and they never stop!

5.) Strictly only be friends with people that support you!

6.) Read You can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

- It's saved my life! Some of it is a little funny but just look at the overall message of what she's trying to say.

​

*I'm going through exactly what you are night now and it feels like you will never get out of the cycle, but you will! It takes a lot of time and pure commitment and belief that you will get better!

​

Much love to you! ❤️

Hi. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much, I know the struggle so well. I've been sabotaging my relationship for years because of very similar issues.

A clarifying question - are you old enough to see a psychologist/psychiatrist on your own? Or even just a doctor, for the time being for medication to help you?

The great news is this - you know there's a problem. Many people can't even see that enough to begin to get help, so you're a step ahead of the curve!

A reality check about your boyfriend - here's the deal. You love him, I'm assuming and he loves you. It's your responsibility to take care of yourself as it's his responsibility to take care of himself. What that means is if you tell him, and he doesn't feel up for the job and he leaves - that's not rejection. What it is, is him doing the best thing for both of you. I know it doesn't seem like it, but talking to him about it is going to do one of two things - 1. You'll have the support and patience from him and you two can work on getting better together. or 2. You'll know that you two are not a compatible match.

Either way, as it stands - your words seem to say that you feel unlovable the way you are (because you're afraid of him rejecting you), do you think you stand the chance at getting better if you always feel like you're hiding your real self from him? You're missing out on a very powerful opportunity - to learn that you're lovable with your perceived imperfections, whether that's from him or from someone else.

((hugs))

If you're not familiar with this website, it's very helpful: https://www.bpdcentral.com/

Don't worry about whether you "have" a personality disorder or not, focus on the behaviors and thoughts and how to improve them.

Some resources that may help you:

NonViolent Communication - Helping you learn how to know your needs, communicate them and to hear others, as well as communicating compassionately with yourself.

Here's a video about it.

Mind over Mood is an awesome workbook to help change the way we think.

No doubt this isn't going to be emotionally/spiritually easy, but logistically it's a total cinch! in my case, I had to continue to communicate with my STBXW because we have a 2 year old daughter. it was fucking hell for a long time, until I finally let go. in my case, my STBXW is (in her words) mostly gay, and it dating a woman. I happen to think that she rationalizing it by using the word mostly because of how society and her mother tells her she needs to be, but that aside, I made it. I'm here. I'm OK. This is after feeling like I was literally having a heart attack every day/night. The only thing that kept me from stepping in front of a city bus and turning my computer off for good was my little daughter. Even time with her was murder, because I felt so very alone with her because she reminded me of what (I thought) I had fucked up (my marriage). After time had passed, my STBXW started communicating again, and the truth came to pass. I began to let go. I began really really bonding with my daughter in a way I never had before. My love for my daughter grew deep and strong, and in a way the love I have for my STBXW transformed into a deep respect for her being finally honest with herself and honest with me.

Now? I love waking up and going to my job and I look forward to my days with my little girl, and the family time me and my STBXW have carved out for the three of us. Will I have my weak days? Yes. We all do. Will this flow I'm feeling last? No. It never does.

My point isn't to bore you with my story. My point is your road to feeling like this seems much less treacherous and difficult versus the one I walked/am walking. That's not to minimize what you're feeling. I know you're hurting. It hurts like fucking hell to think that you are missing out on true love ever lasting and all that tripe that the greeting card industry sell us.

Go no contact. Eat well. Go to the gym. Leave her alone, and if I were you, I would refuse dinners/fake dates/movie nights/cuddling. You're on your own now. Enjoy it and build yourself back into the man that some lovely woman out there is looking for. She's there somewhere, but you've got a huge blind spot right now in the shape of your STBXW that you have to clear out.

Good luck and PM anytime if you need help. Plenty of people helped me when my divorce process started, and I'm happy to pay it forward. Trust the process and trust that it takes time to flush out the cortisol (stress hormone) and get over the toxic shame that you fucked something up. Remember, it takes two.

In the meantime, read this book.

Not much more to add. Personally I binged on TV shows I hadn't seen; not sure that was the best move but yeah it did give me something to do, a bit of a passion to indulge. See I am a bit of a geek but through vagaries of having been in the army and other things, had missed out on a lot of TV. A relatively undemanding hobby helped me just tune out the world when that innner voice gets too busy.

Don't be afraid to call on your friends to get out the house for a drink (or whatever.) More than ever this is a time where if it all seems to be going to hell, you need to be with a good friend you can trust. You don't need them to be confessors or anything, just good company that you can call on who'll understand if you're not super chirpy.

I count it as a triumph that I'm still good friends with my ex, I think that's helped a lot. It sounds like you may have been in a similar situation to myself, a partner who didn't know how to communicate. You'll beat yourself up about it but realize it takes two to tango and there's only so much you can do. It may help to read a book about communication: this one gets a good rap. Not so much because you need to learn, just because that that's the way I personally work through things. Okay so I didn't do so great at that, how can I fix this? It's doing something positive.

All that worked for me, hope you find your way and bounce back :)

I used to be a nice guy, who thought I was screwed just by being a decent person. Last summer, I was a completely different person than I am now. I have changed tremendously.

Some of that was because I read a book from amazon called "Models: Attract Women Through Honesty". It's a great book, but it taught me that women aren't attracted to men who value someone else's opinions more than their own. Women are attracted to a man who knows what he wants.

I used to obsess over everyone's opinion of me. Everyone had to like me. Now, I do what makes me happy. That's all that matters to me. If I'm happy, then what else could I want. That said, I still get told frequently that I am always nice. Nice because I am polite to people who treat me with respect. You respect me, I respect you. That simple.

Nice guys maintain this delusion because they think if they show everyone how nice they can be, that will get everyone to like them. But no one will have respect for a man that doesn't respect himself just because a few people don't respect him.

Just as a point of reference, my 3 year old cries like that quite a bit. Usually over quite trivial matters. This morning, she cried for 15 minutes straight because her daddy plugged in her ipod to the charger instead of letting her do it.

So some of it is just developmental and/or personality at that point. Stay patient and just keep letting him know that you are there for him. At some point, you'll notice a bit of a break in the crying and that's when you ask if he wants you to hold him. If you have a rocker of big comfy chair, that would be nice to snuggle up in. Maybe offer him some water or juice and to read a book or something.

I know this sounds shitty to say but don't frantically offer him up all kinds of stuff to do or big treats just to make him feel better. He'll figure out that this is how he can get stuff. Just be there to comfort and let him get it all out. If you validate his feelings and mirror them back to him, it'll help him be able to talk about them in the future. It also decreases the crying. You literally just say exactly what he's saying back to him. "you want your daddy. yes, you want your daddy." It really helps them to feel like they've been heard rather than, "It's ok" because in his mind, it's really not ok and to be told that is rather confusing.

Some good books to read are this series:
Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy (this title always cracks me up)

and

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (this one has some really old school illustrations but it's great for talking to kids and adults of all ages)

Good luck, you are doing a wonderful thing taking him in. I'm sure transitions will get easier from here on out.

First of all, congratulations on six months sober! Congratulations on the four year stretch before your last relapse. You say some things that are unkind about yourself and addicts in general (the notion that they are “selfish” and...I don’t want to disagree with you to hard here, since that is the received wisdom...but let me try to reframe it a bit: you have made a commitment to getting and staying sober, and that is a set of skills that is going to see you through, whether you have reached your last relapse or not.) You are also incredibly brave to put this out there, and your parents are extremely loving and patient with you (and themselves!) They don’t make themselves out to be victims, nor do they treat you as a villain who has fucked up their plans...that is what support looks like, and you are extremely lucky to have them). This is a long video, but I watched all of it, and it seemed to pass in about two minutes. It’s chock full of good advice, and anyone here who has a problem, but is afraid to tell those who are close to them should seriously consider sitting down with their loved ones to watch it together. I wanted to make some bullet points for anyone who doesn’t have the time and inclination to view all of this, because there is so much good advice here for family members who know someone who is struggling with addiction, so:

• You know that something is off because things are missing/out of place (steak knives and soda cans that have been cut up with them here).
  
• Addicts live in denial and it’s going to rub off on you. You don’t want to ruin your standing in the community, and the problem is still viewed as shameful...but there are resources out there for people exactly like you. Find and participate in a support group, especially if you don’t want to.
  
• Don’t protect your addict from consequences (your father mentions not calling the police at one point when he knows that it is the right thing to do).
  
• Be careful about enabling bad behavior (your parents talk about buying you groceries, and you tell them straight up, “When you did that, I used my money for drugs.”) The corollary to this is that one thing you can as an addict is tell those who support you is the truth about what you will do when they offer help.
  
• Be patient and be prepared to let go without giving up. (Your mother talks about going to bed when it is extremely cold out, worrying that you will freeze to death, because you are on the streets.)
  
• This isn’t stated explicitly, but learn about codependency. The hallmark of codependent behavior is trying to control other people. Addicts are very good at using codependent behavior to enable their addiction. (Your mother talks about putting bars on her windows and setting alarms, after the vendor who is about to install them tells her straight up that you will adapt to them so that you can use within the restrictions they impose.) The best book I have found on codependency so far is this one. A few comments on it: it was written by an addict, and the one thing I got out of it more than anything is how addicts themselves exhibit a lot of traits that she lists as “codependent.” The biggest gem among her advice for overcoming codependency is to set goals. This works for addiction, and it works for those who live with addicts (but not if your goal is simply “quit using” or “I want my son or daughter to quit using.”...that is based on the codependent hallmark of control, after all).
  
  On a personal note, I felt a lot of emotion toward the end when you told your parents that you love them, they told you that they love you, and you hugged at the end. You have suffered enormously for your addiction. I believe that you are going to make it because you have this kind of support system.
   
  On a polemical note, I watched Dr. Phil do what is essentially an intervention a few days ago. He had an alcoholic grandmother with two disgusted daughters who decided to cut her out of their lives because she wouldn’t admit she has a problem (but would admit that “she likes drinking”). It makes for great ratings, but is the absolute wrong thing to do. This woman is probably going to drink herself to death, and if she doesn’t she is going to drink herself to continued misery...which she won’t feel, and that’s why she drinks! Your parents are the other side of the coin. They didn’t give up or shun you because of your problems. They saw your problem as their problem. They gave you love and support in ways that are appropriate (your dad had lunch with you, even when you were dirty and smelly, and he told you that he loved you no matter what). You have a strong foundation for loving yourself, and you are extremely lucky to have two parents who are that loving. I’m impressed with what you chose to do with that love.

Hey! I'm also working on recovery. Some books that I've really found helpful are Feeling Good, and Complex PTSD. Moodgym is also pretty awesome. The first book and the website show you how to use CBT in your own life, and this has really helped me out in terms of everyday anxiety and depression. The Mentalpod is a cool little podcast, and while it doesn't only cover childhood abuse, it helps me feel less alone with all of this stuff, and makes me more aware of my feelings and struggles. Hearing your story come out of another person's mouth is such a healing experience. Episodes 131 and 126 especially are useful.

I think the rest of the work though really has to do with trauma and grief. The second book is invaluable for that. I need to grieve my lack of a childhood. I need to grieve my lack of an available mother. I think this is what "the hole in my heart" is really related to. Sometimes I'll cry about it but do my best to be compassionate with myself. Though these realizations are fucking awful, they are also freeing. I didn't deserve any of it, and I'm not bad for standing up for myself. While my upbringing taught me otherwise, most people are generous, kind and forgiving, and more open to love than I believed possible. I'm able to see myself breaking more and more out of my old survival mindset, and I'm able to see that the world is a beautiful place. It's all a process and we'll both do better and better as time goes on.

Best of luck in your journey! :)

I read all of that. For your sake, I am going to get right to the point here.

You have the dating and relationship skills of a 12 year old. You idolize every woman you meet as a mother figure. This causes "One-itus". Go Google it now.

You have spent years learning English, IT, stuff about motorcycles, but I bet you have spent ZERO time learning about dating, self-improvement, and women.

Am I right?

I know I am, because you are describing exactly what I went through at your age. Disaster after disaster with women. A totally amazing Harley. Traveling and meeting women, only to break down like an idiot and scare them off.

The solution, that worked for me, was to read a lot of books and then go and date and MAKE MISTAKES and LEARN FROM THOSE MISTAKES and then try again and IMPROVE MYSELF.

These are the most helpful books I found.

1. Doc Love and his dating advice. You can read his syndicated articles here and after reading a ton of those, I strongly, strongly, strongly recommend you buy his "System" at his website. Yes, it's $100, and it is worth every penny. I will warn you - it is poorly written, poorly organized, and won't make a bit of sense to you when you first read it. That is because it is, basically, written in a foreign language to you. You need to just read it, then go out for a month, then read it again 30 days later. Upon reading it the SECOND time, every mistake you made will suddenly jump off the pages. This is because you have no experience with women, therefore of course it won't make any sense.
   
   
2. David DeAngelo and his Double Your Dating series. You can download this free right here but DON'T DO IT until after you have read the Doc Love stuff and understand it. Now, not all of his stuff is good, so you need to judge for yourself what stuff you think is viable, but all in all he helped me totally turn myself around.
   
   
3. No More Mr. Nice Guy. Amazon. Buy it, read it.
   
   
4. Way of the Superior Man Amazon. Another good read.
   
   If you can take a few hours to read all that, and then work on what you learn for a few months, you may end up like me. In six months my perspective on women radically changed and I learned how to be attractive to women, be HONEST, be a good person, how to have some standards, I didn't fall in love with any women who looked at me, and so forth.
   
   Those books also helped me with my career, and being honest, productive, and happy with my work.
   
   So, you wrote all that, and I posit to you that the answers are already written down in those (and many other) books.
   
   Keep us posted.

I don't have any local recommendations for you, but I do have a few world-class recommendations that will cost you much less in time and money.

For CBT, check out Dr. David Burn's book - Feeling Good: You can pick it up online for like $5. It is a light and interesting read, lots of stories. Here is a study about "Feeling Good": "This study provided empirical evidence that a behavioral prescription for Feeling Good may be as effective as standard care, which commonly involves an antidepressant prescription."

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20803165

For mindfulness, the fountainhead is Eastern/Bhuddist thought here is a good source for that:
The Power of Mindfulness by Nyanaponika Thera (fo free online)

http://www.buddhanet.net/pdf_file/powermindfulness.pdf

If you want both CBT and Mindfulness - then you should read or listen to Jeffery Schwartz. He has a few books, the most recent "You are not your brain" is approachable and an integration of Mindfulness and Cognitive Therapy.
Here is a 5 minute video, gives you a feel for the author: "4 steps to changing your brain for good"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kuABDAAns7w

If you like that - here is a half-hour more (summary of the book above):
'You are not your brain' at Mind & Its Potential 2011
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcrGlUHlu4M

Finally, if you are into workbooks - pick up "Mind over Mood"

http://www.amazon.com/Mind-Over-Mood-Change-Changing/dp/0898621283

Regardless of the book or therapist, you will have to do a lot mental work. So ultimately, most of the therapy, is self-therapy.
Best of luck to you. And remember: this too, shall pass.

I suggest a slow introduction to your " middle head space", head space is the place you go to when your " older neighbor" makes you feel vulnerable in a safe and loving environment, allowing you deeper still into your head space.

The first step or really rule to head space intro is: to recognize that there is no such thing as too slow

Second step : Set up perimeters in what is ok and what is not, boundaries such as: no daddy Role Play, but what can he call you ? Or you him? Naughty Neighbor? Dirty Girl? Sir? Terrible teen? etc.. Safe words such as Banana means stop- Banana cream means continue but your doing too much of one thing, but you may continue- Banana bread means STOP EVERYTHING get me out of this predicament NOW!


The Game: Let's get the giggles out

I have found a GREAT head space intro in tickling while tied.
In order to work he must be merciless, demanding, in control, and most importantly safe.

To prepare start with a basic wrist bind tie

http://youtu.be/Hixu3CHwEXw

Don't worry if you get the giggles as the scene doesn't start till after your bound, next as illustrated in the video take the rope lead or extra and secure to a fixed object ie.. bed post, sofa legs, horizontal closet bar. Any place that can take a thrashing and pulling

The Scenario:
Terrible Teen has been playing in the rosebushes and now, she's stuck! The only one who can hear her cries for help is her older perverted neighbor, who always watches her when she leaves to school, and it looks like he's going to take advantage of the situation.

Rules: No erogenous zone touching for at least 30 mins, the game is to find places you didn't know your lover was ticklish. Back of the legs-feet-rib cage- pelvic bone, back of calves, under arms or even (?) YOU find it

Keep moving, don't let her get use to one spot, be relentless. Use your hands, your mouth, your beard if applicable. TALK!! Tell her this is what she gets for teasing you, bending over and flashing her panties, etc... Illustrate you're the dominant one and she is the vulnerable one

IMPORTANT: *** Keep a pair of sheers close by listen for safe words, but unless you hear them, regardless if she cries for mercy, says stop, pleads, laughs till it hurts, keep tickling. Slower, faster, bombard her all over, concentrate on THE most ticklish spot, just keep tickling until she admits her weakness and agrees to do neighborly favors OR until a time limit only he knows has passed, or even keep a ticking timer, so she could hear the timer, but keep it faced away, maybe you won't stop even when the timer goes off, only you know

Pre-game: a wonderful sensual warm oil message

Post game: Cuddles ( very important), even if the scenario didn't lead to sex, but especially if it did. The goal is head space not sex, however the two can be intertwined when great head space is achieved. TALK about what you like best, what you both liked least, LEARN each other's minds and bodies is what it's all about


Good reference points:

http://www.bdsmwiki.info/Main_Page

Jay Wiseman SM 101 Great book for beginners
http://www.amazon.com/SM-101-A-Realistic-Introduction/dp/0963976389


P.S Don't worry about her giggling, it's merely nervousness that needs to be released, this game is designed to release PLENTY of giggles, also bring a towel as she will sweat a lot, and you can use duct tape instead of rope

There are play collars, and then there are relationship collars. If you want to buy yourself a collar because it helps you get into a submissive mindset then that's fine. You can use it by yourself or when playing casually.

If you find yourself in a serious relationship then your Dom might want to "collar you" to show ownership and/or a serious commitment. If you both agree to do that then you can continue using the same collar or he can get you a new one.

The only rules in BDSM are in regards to safety. Please don't play with people you don't know. Get to know potential partners by spending time together, meeting their friends, etc. You can ask for references (phone numbers of people they have played with) if you think it's important. Before playing sit down together and talk about what turns you on and what you don't want to do - this is called negotiation. You can negotiate about a specific scene or about the relationship as a whole. While you are talking you need to establish some safe words. At a minimum you need a word which will bring everything to a stop (a lot of people use "red"), but you might also want a pause word (a lot of people use "yellow"). If you search the r/bdsmcommunity archives you will find a lot of great posts about safety, negotiation, and safe words.

You might enjoy reading The New Bottoming Book by Easton and Hardy. It talks about terminology, safety, and how to take care of yourself.

The best way to find partners and learn about BDSM is to get in touch with your local scene. If you make a profile on a social networking site called fetlife.com you can search for groups n your area. You'll probably find that they have meetings or munches (informal meetings with food). Go visit. It's important to have a real world community of support.

I found the New Bottoming Book (http://www.amazon.com/The-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352/ref=pd_sim_b_5) pretty helpful in explaining some of the psychology/mindset behind dom/sub play. Might be something to consider reading if you haven't already.

I've mostly found that it comes down to practice and communication. After a while, it's easier to play the Dom role (if you aren't naturally very assertive).

We've found it helpful to set limits on our play, since my wife isn't really a fan of being ordered around whenever I feel like it -- we aren't necessarily limited to just BDSM in the bedroom, but I still want to respect her as an independent person. If I have a specific scene in mind (something that will take extra time, specific tasks or activities), I'll usually ask if she's interested in D/s play a couple hours ahead of time, then tease her occasionally up till the agreed time. I don't usually do this if we just want rough sex though.

We've also used objects to define the times when we play. She'll usually wear some sort of collar while we are playing, which helps get her in the sub mindset. I've found changing how I dress helps put me in the right frame of mind too. We've also found that mixing tasks into our play helps get her into the sub mindset too. For example, at least for us, a play session might include a couple minor chores around the house that I'll oversee and correct her for if they aren't done correctly (vacuuming, cleaning, etc.), followed by some sort of bondage/sex play and eventual orgasm as a reward.

Hope that helps?

Thank you for trying for him, and being the real definition of a friend. Trusting people when you are trained to believe that everyone outside of the cult is a servant of the Devil and out to make you suffer is hard to overcome.

So here's my advice, maybe you could introduce him to therapy a little differently and in smaller doses. Ask him every step of the way to if any of the following or other commenters suggestions is something he would be interested in trying. He never had free will, the organization, his family, and congregation literally ran his life for him. He needs to understand what a friend is and that you are his friend, and not his dictator. He has to be an active participant in his own healing, and in a friendship. Be patient, and know that showing him the door to recovery and independence, is enough. You are good person for trying for him, and that is enough. Ultimately, allow him to choose to help himself.

So, to be more specific on how to help, introduce the idea of reading accredited articles about C-PTSD, Anxiety, and cult recover on psychology websites or from cult recovery groups. Allow him to visit the websites of therapists who write articles about subjects that matter to him, like Pete Walker concerning C-PTSD. Or introduce the idea of reading self help books. Since I mentioned Pete Walker, he wrote Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Tell him to recommend some for you to read, this means he found them on his own, liked them, and wanted to share. And even introduce him to idea of lurking on a few safe subs. It doesn't have to be r/exjw at first, but could be something like r/aww to see nice things and interact with more people on his own terms. It doesn't have to be, and shouldn't be an avalanche of information (like I just gave to you). But, a help nugget here and there, that he can approach from a safe place of his own choosing, can help him learn that just like you, therapists aren't bad and they could really help him thrive instead of just surviving. Best wishes <3

You have have tried talking, but you probably aren't that skilled at talking (why would you be?).

I have a couple book recommendations that could change the way you think about your talks:

NVC is basically the gold standard introduction to productive communication between people including couples. It seems like you're both not being very nice or accepting of each other (how do you think it feels for your husband to be judged as a child by his wife for having different cleanliness preferences than you have?). This book may help you see the world from each others' perspectives:
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034

Another books that's helpful for beginning to heal and reconnect is 5 Love Languages. It'll help you both get in touch with what's important to you and makes you feel good, and give your partner the insight into you that they'll need to be a good partner to you.
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

The last one I'll recommend to you in particular is Bonds that Make us Free. It seems like neither of you have really been able to understand the others' perspective, or maybe even your own perspective about what you're each valuing. This book may help.
https://www.amazon.com/Bonds-that-Make-Free-Relationships/dp/1629722154

Good luck.

This is a repost of my comment on this reddit thread

Check out harry potter and the methods of rationality.

• A Brilliant fan-fiction about Harry potter, much darker and smarter. Both informative and entertaining.
  
  Read/Learn Non Violent Communication
  
  
• Language shape our thinking, this method is absolutely brilliant and will immediately improve understanding for oneself and other people. The book & [Youtube videos] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dpk5Z7GIFs&list=PL16F02595B1BB9FA8)
  
  Start to [Meditate] (http://humanistsofmn.org/127-better-critical-thinking-through-meditation)
  
  
• Emotions and unconscious thoughts and belifs are many times very irrational. Meditation is greater for becoming more aware of them, which is the first step before critically evaluating them. Also many studies show a myriad of benefits such as: Increased happiness, better health, lower stress, increased IQ & EQ. And much more
  
  Philosophy - "love of wisdom"
  
  
• [Philosophy for Life and Other Dangerous Situations: Ancient Philosophy for Modern Problems] (http://www.amazon.com/Philosophy-Life-Other-Dangerous-Situations/dp/1608682293) , Is a great introduction to Philosophy. Very practical, will increase understanding of oneself and help in living a happy life.
  
  
• Or if you prefer video [Philosophy: Guide to Happiness] (http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/philosophy-guide-to-happiness/) , Is a great introduction to Philosophy. If you want it bite sized [School for life] (https://www.youtube.com/user/schooloflifechannel):s youtube channel is also very good.
  
  Read about rationality/critical thinking
  
  
• [Less wrong] (http://wiki.lesswrong.com/wiki/Sequences), [Audio] (https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1267969302/lesswrong-the-sequences-audiobook). Less Wrong is a community blog devoted to refining the art of human rationality. Video
  
  Learn about the common [cognitive biases] (http://www.businessinsider.com/cognitive-biases-2014-6?op=1) and [logical fallacies] (https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/)
  
  
• [Thinking fast and slow] (http://www.amazon.com/Thinking-Fast-Slow-Daniel-Kahneman/dp/0374533555) Is a brilliant book by Nobel prize winner Daniel Kahneman which shows oh so many ways we are less smart than we think. podcast
  
  
  Create some rationality habits
  
  
• [Memorize the Rationality checklist] (http://rationality.org/checklist/). anki deck (anki is an app for memorizing facts)
  
  
• Center for applied rationality have workshops (mostly in the USA).
  
  Learn about the ways Marketing/propaganda is used to influence you
  
  
• [The century of the self] (http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/the-century-of-the-self/). This series is about how those in power have used Freud's theories to try and control the dangerous crowd in an age of mass democracy.
  
  
  The Trivium
  
  
• General Grammar, Aristotelian Logic, and Classical Rhetoric comprise the first three rules-based subjects of the 7 Liberal Arts and Sciences. As these disciplines are learned and practiced together, they form the overarching, symbiotic system for establishing clarity and consistency of personal thought called the Trivium.
  

EDIT: Already found it and a few other things. My initial handout for meditation, a follow up 10pg hand out for meditation, and worksheets for Chapters 3 and 4 in the book. Chapter 3 is "Identifying and Rating Moods," and chapter 4 is, "Identifying Situations, Emotions, and thoughts."

I put a list of acronyms and their descriptions at the bottom, since I threw in some shorthand.

I meant to add this in the post last night, but I was drifting in and out of sedation. There is a workbook called Mind Over Mood that, as to my understanding, is very common to given when doing CBT. I have the first edition of this book with, I think, zero marks in it. There is a second edition that came out in 2015 (20 years since the first edition), but I can't speak on what's changed. I assume it was updated to fall more in line with the DSM-5 and new APA standards, since it seems to work with the DSM. This book works great with a therapist, but there are plenty of things you can educate yourself from it by just reading. For me the book didn't help, BUT I never tell people to ignore it since all our experiences are unique to us.

The primary reason I bring the book up is it deals with intrusive thoughts specifically. I do not endorse it as a replacement for professional help. If you would like to see scans of some of the sections of this book to get a feel of it, or think it would be useful to own in general, I will make a whole hearted attempt to find it. If you think owning the book would be helpful to you in a positive way, I will mail it to you free if you're in the US, if you are comfortable with that. I believe P.O. Boxes circumvent the need of any personal details, but I'm not 100% on that. If you aren't in the US, I can't speak to how helpful it would be with therapeutic treatments there, but I will still ship it if the cost is reasonable. That said, if you aren't in the US, Amazon may have it dirt cheap used, especially since it appears out of print.

As side note: if anyone knows a good scanner app that's a reasonable price for iOS, that would be helpful. For a lot of things really, but particularly this.


List of acronyms used
CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Generally a short, goal oriented therapy to change your mental health and outlook. I say generally, because I was in it for almost two years before I was told I had exhausted all options.

APA - American Psychiatric Association: The main professional organization of psychiatrists.

DSM - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The DSM-5 is the edition in use. Published by the APA, the US has moved on to this, but under a bit of controversy. I'll leave personal opinion out of it, but if you don't live in the US it won't affect you.

Again, a PM or a reply here, and I'll do my best to offer what I can. To reiterate what u/Ensellure said, love yourself, believe in yourself, and understand it does take time.

Take care of yourself.

I've had a lot of luck with online dating but you can, too, just gotta play to your strengths.

You say you're not an attractive guy, why is that? Having a good looking mug isn't all of attraction.

Because if you were a naturally handsome guy, but didn't shave, didn't have a nice haircut / hair health, had no style no confidence, didn't work out, etc, you wouldn't be attractive then.

So I would say, friend, invest in yourself for awhile. Online dating is like a resume. Play to your strengths. If you don't feel confident, work on yourself a bit. Start working out, eating healthy, work on your fashion, your diet, your hair, your beard / shaved face, start using lotion ,etc. Build yourself up to be attractive first.

Because attraction isn't necessarily just about genetics, friend.

Places to meet single women, you could just start joining social groups, going to the bar helps, start joining a single meetup on meetup.com maybe. Or at local concerts, etc. Just start doing activities and you'll meet folk. A great book to read on this is Models by Mark Manson.

"And through all this he has never thanked me. He doesn't even act like he cares that this past year was hard for me as well. At times he seems to actually resent me. We never spend time together, he doesn't go out of his way to help me in any capacity."

Honey, I'm so sorry you're going through this. But people show you who they are, especially in tough times. He has shown you who he is. Your desire to change him, to "fix this" is a sign of codependancy. Please read up on codependancy, especially the book http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025 . Go to your local libary and read.

You can't change him, he has to want to change himself and he has to work hard on changing himself, and that will require years of therapy and hard work on his part, and lots of suffering on your part.

He's toxic. You're suffering because of him. Why don't you walk away? What do you, realistically, have to lose? The relationship seems really one sided and toxic. You seem like a very caring, lovely person, who he has been taking advantage of. Why don't you take off some time from relationships, work on yourself and then find someone who will treat you much better?

I also encourage you to read, for future relationships, "5 languages of love" and "His needs, her needs". It will help you and your future partner, someone who will care for you and treat you much better, to have a very happy relationship.

Please, break up with him and set yourself free.

If you want to talk more, I strongly urge you to post here ->talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/ .

Also, send me a message or reply here if you want to talk more.

Best wishes

I'm pregnant with my first so I don't have the same experience, but in addition to second/thirding the idea of therapy, I would suggest reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (linked below) if you are interested in having a VBAC as well as a healing birth experience this time. The book has tons of real-life birth stories, as well as really good information about how women's bodies naturally work (and how medical interventions often make things worse). Ina May's birth center in Tennessee has incredibly low rates of intervention, including c-section, and she's considered by many people to be the best and most experienced midwife around.

If it's feasible for you - I don't know your location, finances, etc obviously - it would be a good idea to find an experienced midwife or at least a doula who can sympathize with your medical anxiety, give you information and options regarding natural childbirth including VBAC, and help you find a place (whether that's a hospital, birth center, at home, wherever) that you feel safe giving birth.

I, too, have anxiety about medical procedures and I pretty much never go to the doctor - I feel that they treat symptoms and not the underlying problems, and they are too quick to push interventions (not least of all on pregnant/birthing women). That whole "oversized baby" problem is usually not true, and unless you have a deformed pelvis from rickets or something, there are very few true cases where a newborn is physically too large to fit through the mother's pelvis. I am not mentioning this to dig at anything from the past, but to encourage you to believe in your body's natural ability to give birth to the baby that it grows. I'm sorry that you went through a traumatic birth experience with your first and I hope that whatever you decide that the second one will help heal the pain from that.

https://www.amazon.com/Ina-Mays-Guide-Childbirth-Gaskin/dp/0553381156/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1467611746&sr=1-1&keywords=ina+may%27s+guide+to+childbirth

It's too easy to rate our suffering by our pain (but pain is subjective, even though it can be debilitating and IS REAL). In fact, measuring suffering by pain is a metric that 'makes sense,' what could be a better way? I don't know, but I know there is no luck in these things, good or bad. There are simply things we can't control and things we can, things we accept, can't or can- then make choices that we can't always predict the outcome of or even always see we are making.

I remember recently a really similar experience to your wife's apology. I've never heard one that mattered yet, but it was in a conversation where I outlined why what my wife intended in her statements and behavior due to emotional reasoning was as far as I can tell an attempt to elicit a reaction and 'hurt' in me. How it was abusive even though I wasn't hurt and didn't react, that I didn't care if she understands, I don't think she 'bad' for doing it, but I'm me and I find that something I can't and won't accept. It wasn't in a 'me verse her' way. I just waited until she was calm after doing my own thing with my dogs and son, then forced a conversation specifically on that later, wouldn't let her paint feelings or thoughts or intentions on me or change the subject. I criminalized that behavior MORE than I used to, but on a different level I used it as an experience to highlight how in words and actions I keep on and DO accept her for who she is, but it is in opposition to what she does. Then how her continuing that pattern is not enough to keep me here forever. I don't divorce threat and she has enough implied abandonment fear, it wasn't a threat or spoke threateningly, just from a place (I hope) of objective realness to what I feel and what I need and the unchanging truth of both.

That was the first time she on her own was like, huh, wow- yea that was abuse. I think she did say sorry (but they are pretty half-assed and really don't matter when they come so far). In the past she would say 'sorry you got angry' or 'sorry you got your feelings hurt' before telling me how sensitive I am or her behavior 'because of' me or mine or imaginary slights.

I guess my point is that if I think of myself as lucky or unlucky based on things I can't control or (maybe wrongly) accept, if I focus on the struggle rather than the coping, growth, and choices that lessen or end my suffering or avoid it in any ways I can.. like I think the goal is not to suppress our suffering or to (in hidden ways) use it as an excuse for our pain, but instead a realer acceptance of reality now and a chance to get stronger in a way. To not do so, it is too easy to perpetuate the martyrdom that led and locked me here in years past.

I need to take care myself whether I have the unluckiest wife or not. I need to improve my situation and my state and my self-care whether I chose my medical stuff I whine about or not (I didn't), whether my son has a lifetime health issue, whether or not all the things I have on my plate and whether I control them or not- I control me and I have a stronger role today and consequently in my future and fortunes than the luck of the last roll. We aren't static and we aren't weak in this way.

That story of the 'abuse' or apology was not actually what I meant by the only times I've received empathy. I don't really know for sure or care if my wife feels or shares 'real' empathy with me. It would be nice, but I'm not so sure I'd recognize it from where I was when hurt and resentful, even now I would doubt it, but it doesn't much matter what she feels to my life or identity. The times I experience what I think is greater empathy coincide exactly with the times I do NOT accept abuse, am not defensive (but instead protective), and am not allowing her to hurt me. If I couldn't get there in this marriage, I would have a real NEED to leave. If I ever lose whatever growth or changes are happening inside me that allow that, I will have a real need to leave. What I'm trying to say is that no one can empathize with someone that they don't 'see' as a person, as an individual, or as 'themselves'. They can't empathize unless they know 'who' you are and then accept you as yourself on some level. So to me, the times that I am unwaverable in my identity, in who I am, and in my unwillingness to be anyone I'm not or pushed or pulled, to me I've experienced greater empathy from my wife in those times (I believe). Like an understanding that I have feelings and that my feelings matter- because they do- because I do my best to honor them now and be 'me' regardless anything she can say or do. For now, no matter what she storms, rages, tantrums, or threatens I will budge a single inch from that place- and she can't make me.

I think it might bring her a modicum of security in the process and that is a valuable thing to a pwBPD. I don't do it for her though, it never worked when I tried. I like myself too much to return to the place I lived so many years. She's welcome to join me, my hand is out to help her up, but I can't hold my arm out forever and I think she is FINALLY starting to realize this. She may never, mind you, I can't control that and I feel like I will be okay independent the outcomes I can't control.

I think you will too.


EDIT:
This is a really cool quote I feel relates better to what I was trying to say than I could from a book about a guy that succeeded over adversaries. In this part he is talking about what he could do to overcome and grow through the things that he couldn't control- fair or not removed from the equation.
He called this chapter 'The Soft Zone' it's only an excerpt and everything in brackets was me trying to add bits to pull different areas in the chapter to a semblance of a point:

>Another way of envisioning the importance of the Soft Zone is through an ancient Indian parable that has been quite instructive in my life for many years: A man wants to walk across the land, but the earth is covered in thorns. He has two options--one is to pave his road, to tame ALL of nature into his compliance. The other is to make sandals. Making sandals is the internal solution. Like the Soft Zone, it does not base success on a submissive world or overpowering force, but on intelligent preparation and cultivated resilience. ..............The more I'd try to [cope mentioned earlier but omitted here and] block the distractions out the louder it would get in my head. [He felt alone in this problem, started being bothered by things he never noticed before] .....I realized that I could think to the beat of the song [his obstacles / distractions / things making him lose his focus and self] ..I couldn't count on the world to be silent [or caretake him], so my only option was to become at peace with the noise.

He had to accept some things in a newer deeper way. That doesn't mean he had to remain or remain the same, it doesn't mean you have to stay in your marriage or not. I'm not telling you you're doing anything wrong or earning your abuse. I'm saying make your own sandals and figure out where you feel like you want and need to walk. I guess I just really think we all always need to be looking into ourselves with honesty and come to know our strengths and weaknesses or flaws (we all have them!), do what we can for ourselves in inspection of our roles and any way we can grow no matter how much weight we feel (that's strength training right there!) The world won't create a painless path, antagonistic disordered wives certainly won't, they just add more bars for us until we remove them or get broader. IDK, his parable was better without my inputs, I just thought it was a really cool quote from the book 'The Art of Learning: An Inner Journey'

From what you've said above, you went with your instincts, and your instincts were right. You may not have had the language to articulate what was happening, but you could feel something was and you could acted on it when it made you uncomfortable. That is a life-saving reaction.


In case you've never heard of it, let me recommend a book called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. He is a security expert, and he travels to schools and colleges now talking especially to girls. He explains when and why to trust your instinct and how to keep yourself safe from predators. It's really eye-opening stuff, and much of it is very simple, we just need to hear it explained to recognise a lot of situations we've all been in.


This is a link to the book on Amazon, and it has a "Look Inside" option.
And this is a link to his website.


I recommend this to all women, especially young women, it can literally save lives. Frankly I'd be more comfortable getting this kind of information from a woman, but this is a very rare man, and I trust his advice a lot. If you get something from it, talk to your friends about it, we need to spread this kind of education widely.


Good luck. And bless that 13-y-o girl still inside you—she kept you safe, even when she didn't fully understand what was happening. That's praise-worthy.

So in saying the BD versus the SM, I assume you mean Bondage and Discipline, and Sadism and Masochism. Fun note, the acronym is more complex than most would think, as the DS also stands for Dominance and Submission. So 6 initials in 4! Woo!

Alright, goofery aside, yes, you can be submissive without being masochistic. It really depends on the partners you're playing with, and what you consent to beforehand. It sounds like you're looking to explore. I'd advise you to look around, and meet people before jumping in. BDSM can be a little much if you just jump in feet first.

The advice given out 99% of the time, is to join fetlife, and look around in your area. If you live in a decent sized city (more than 2 stoplights) there's a chance there are groups around you. The easiest course would be to look, find a group that's not too scary, and attend a munch. It's a great way to meet people in the scene, and get comfortable. If it still sounds like something you wanna try, and a scene you want to get in to, you should be in a good position to advance from there.

There are also a handful of books that are worth reading, SM 101 (A little outdated, but has good info still), and Screw the Roses are good ones. I'm sure more people will add book suggestions.

If you want to engage in play at some point, and decide to set something up with someone locally, come back and tell us, and we'll prattle on about all the safety things you should do before your first meeting. But, SM 101 covers that well enough that you should know what to do. Side note: Part of the "outdated" has to do with that, because he talks about these new things called "cellular phones", and how they might be useful for check ins, if you regularly meet up with people. Good thing that newfangled technology never caught on!

>I'm expecting this to be ignored, because people DON'T want to hear this. But I'm hoping, deep down, that this issue will be addressed, because this problem is VERY REAL, and it's happening to me RIGHT NOW.

C'mon dude, I think you gotta accredit more to this sub :P

There is all sorts of inconvenient information upvoted on this subreddit that people don't wanna hear deep down. How about the very fact that we are all PMO addicts? That's a pretty unpleasant truth if you ask me.

But regarding your very problem:

Look, sometimes it's perfectly fine to not feel any motivation to do anything. If you say you are a few days in, what do you think it is you are experiencing right now? It might be very well the flatline. The first indicator that you are distancing yourself from hypercharged material that corrupts your reward system. Sex/Porn spike your dopamine the most from any activity out there. Once you abstain long enough, you will find new hidden pleasure and motivation behind the seemingly mundane and tedious tasks. You will find new passion for life, you can be DEAD SURE about that!! Just keep moving forward.

It is very commendable if you still manage to pick yourself up and push through, but it is important to not beat yourself up too much. When you are trying to build a new life, you should not pick up too many new goals and habits. Because at first you will rely on nothing more other than willpower until you have repeated those actions often enough to build a new habit. It is only then that it does not require any more thought and effort. The thing is that willpower is a limited resource; a well that runs dry at a certain point of continuously forcing yourself to get stuff done.

You feel like crap? Then rest and take a nap or something. Do something relaxing for a limited amount of time. Incorporate a conscious break within your daily routine in which you allow yourself to absolutely nothing for a change. Now that does not include or mean that you should cultivate other easily identifiable dopamine addictions like surfing the net for countless hours, using websites with endless scrolling and novelty mechanisms or video games. Forbid yourself to use the computer in those times if you must and just lay on your bed like a corpse. Use the time to think and to reflect, not to fantasize about a better or easier life.

>.. but I still feel very inefficient - in complete contrast to my usual self.

Instead of beating yourself up and comparing yourself ( even if it is your own self you compare yourself against ), take the positive view point (there is always one, no matter what). Instead of saying your are inefficient in contrast to your former self see it like this: You are back, somewhere at the start of the journey and you are forcing yourself to make the best out of it. Tell yourself: You are currently doing the best you can. You are working to the best of your own capabilities in the PRESENT TIME. Forget about past and future, because all that counts is the present moment and your current self.

You wanna hear an anecdote from my own life? When I first started out this self-improvement journey back in 2015 I was doing nothing more in my life other than: waking up - wasting some time - hitting the gym - wasting some more time and going to bed. Rinse and repeat. I felt so DEAD, as you put it yourself, once I got back home from the gym. It was that period at the start of my new habit that required an immense amount of willpower and pushing myself to get going. I remember this one image very vividly lying on my bed, trying to read a couple of pages in my new e-book, I barely managed to read something between five to ten pages, because I was just not used to reading regularly. Sounds very unspectacular on paper and summed up like that, of course there were more thing going on surrounding that, but the very core was that. I had that one goal I set for myself and I went after it with no excuses, nothing fancy.

Looking back I would not say that any minute of that year was wasted, even though I had so little going on for myself. A precious year of the prime of my youth in my early 20s. Who cares? I don't regret it one bit, because I know that even though I took very small steps, I lay the foundation for something greater. Sacrificing a year for it it close to nothing.

But YOU!!! Who are YOU trying to impress? Who is the judge of you? It is about time to realize that there is NONE! You mustn't, you must NOT compare yourself to anybody or anything other than your present self. Ask yourself genuinely: Can I do better than this? Or am I scratching the borders of everything that possible. Give yourself a break sometime.

I often like to imagine that I am under IMMENSE time pressure. Sometimes, I feel like the world is going to end in a couple of days, and its very existence depends on me getting work done within an abstract, inconceivable and unknown timeframe. I fear not only that but also about my fading youth and death. Maybe some of these thoughts occurred to you as well!

Those fears and thoughts are just as much nonsensical. Dude, you got your whole life ahead of you. If make sure of ONE thing, then make sure that you go one small step in the right direction, no matter what. This entire essay is in no way an easy excuse for someone to postpone his duties until the day after tomorrow. Neither do I try to say that you can go on happily fapping because you still got every opportunity to start over another time. NO!! Every relapse equals to three steps in the opposite, and thus wrong direction of your life goals. Keep that in mind.

I highly recommend reading two books asap:

• How to win friends and influence people
  
• 48 laws of power
  
  These two books have both shaped me tremendously in terms of how I interact with an treat people and making those changes has only changed my life for the better both in business and personally. The first one is a more positive restore your faith in humanity type and the second is a more ruthless Machiavellian type but they both take an insightful look at people and how they influence each other. They also can both help guide you in decision making in certain situations.
  
  Other than that, just relax, enjoy the ride, and do your best. Confidence is key.
  
  Bonus book (nerd alert)
  
  
• The joy of game theory

Fair, and to some extent, necessary. I agree with you. Interviewing, you don't necessarily need to be charming, just well prepared. Job interviews are formulaic, and it's not hard to look up common interview questions and prepare for them.

One thing to suggest; confidence. While confidence won't stop social awkwardness, it can help cover for it.

So how did I gradually build greater confidence?

One way was comptent Therapy. This helped a lot.

The other is maintaining the illusion of confidence. Take a page from the NT playbook, and lie through body language.

So what does a confident person look like? Well, there are a number of different types of body language for this, but I usually fall back to "the drill sergeant" as I call it. Back mostly straight, neck straight, eyes forward, feet pointed forward, about a shoulders length apart, knees slightly bent, hands tucked into the "small"of my back (just above the pelvic bone), shoulders rolled slightly back. You can thrust your hips forward as well, slightly.

[Example from behind.] (http://image.slidesharecdn.com/decodingbodylanguage-140917110453-phpapp02/95/decoding-body-language-82-638.jpg?cb=1415932101)

Example from front.

This exposes your belly, while clasping your hands behind your back shows you're not afraid of a frontal attack. It is a common stance for reflecting confidence. If it works for you, practice it, master it, and feel the confidence.

[This is a great resource for learning the how's and why's of certain kinds of body language.] (https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723?SubscriptionId=AKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q&tag=duckduckgo-d-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=0553804723) I recommend it, though there are plenty of other great books about body language.

There's a really great book on this topic called The art of learning by Joshua Waitzkin.

I can not recommend that book enough, it's very short and easy to read.

A lot of people think of skills as, a "ladder". You climb this ladder step-by-step as you practise.

But skill is a lot more like a landscape, with hills and valleys, peaks and pits. Think of it like you are pushing a ball in this landscape. If you're pushing a ball up a hill, and stop midway. The ball will roll down and you have to start over. Some times in this landscape there will be plateaus where you can rest without the ball rolling down.

And sometimes you will play a certain style and reach a hills peak. How does one improve if you've reached such a peak? You have to be willing to walk down this hill, in order to climb a larger mountain. This means, you have to be willing to go down in skill, momentarily, in order to improve in the long term. But that's okay, because if you have reached one hill peak before, your legs will be stronger and better able to climb the next peak.

This way of looking at skill, also highlights how people can play with completely different styles, and do equally well. There are many hills and peaks - not just one ladder.

In short, what I'm trying to get at, is that to improve, you have to force yourself out of your comfortzone. Figure out what your weaknesses are, and turn them in to strengths.

> The key to pursuing excellence is to embrace an organic, long-term learning process, and not to live in a shell of static, safe mediocrity. Usually, growth comes at the expense of previous comfort or safety.

As you realize becoming great at social skills is just like training any other skill. Realizing you can train it will allow you to build the skill stronger than others who stumble into it. So many will say you can't get better or amazing by reading in a chair. They're right. Read a little, apply a lot, take notes, then review what you did right and what you did wrong, repeat. Get a mentor or training buddy if you can, it accelerates learning, because we can't see ourselves the same as those outside us can. Make a regimen to go out, greet and meet people every day. Or at least three times a week minimum, make it a habit.

I can tell you that I've been in customer service and sales jobs, they taught me nothing because my skills were garbage and sub-par. So I didn't have a paddle for my raft in the world of social interaction. All I got was "people get irritated if I cold approach or try to sell them. Or worse I have to dump mountains of information to make them feel safe." So after studying for the better part of a decade, here's some points that got me to the basics and more advanced subjects. With the basics under your belt, then a job or daily practice will get you understanding and results.

First, learn how to steady yourself mentally, breathing exercise here. Breathing is important as we seem to be learning your heart rate and beat pattern determine more about our emotions than we'd like to admit.

Second, Accept and love yourself, (both those terms may be undefined or wishy-washy to you at the moment, defining them is part of the journey.) Because you can only accept and love others the way you apply it to yourself first.

Third, pick up and read the charisma myth. It has habits/meditations that will be a practice you use every day. I'd say a basic understanding will happen after applying them over three months. Never stop practicing these basics, they are your fundamentals. They determine your body language. The difference between a romantic gaze and a creepy stare is context of the meeting and body language, especially in the eyes.

Sales or cold approach networking will do the same for practice. If you do sales or meeting new people, it is a negotiation. You're trying to trade "value" (safety + an emotion). So if you figure out how to make yourself feel emotion, then inspire emotion in others, mutual agreements happen. Start with Why is a good reference. Here is a summary video. Chris Voss will help you find out that you don't tap into people rationally, you tap people emotionally, big think summary video. Or the full book treatment, Never Split the Difference. The supporting book for Chris Voss' position can be helped by reading Start With No

For training habits and understanding how we execute behaviors, Thinking, Fast and Slow

For dealing with hard arguments and heavy topics both Nonviolent Communication and Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

Learning what listening is, instead of "hearing" people. Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone is a good book for that. This is touched on in Never Split the Difference and in the Charisma Myth because true listening, making the person you are speaking with feel "listened to and understood" is most of what makes a charismatic person work.

I've had issues relating to depression and anxiety for well over 15 years. I actually quit drinking 4 years ago in part because of how it would throw me for these emotional roller-coaster rides that drove me down even further. Things have gotten much better and I've sought help but its still a daily process for me, which is now much more manageable. For some reason a long time ago I developed a stigma against myself in that I believe I'm weak for not being able to handle and "control" these issues, but that couldn't be further from the truth. There is a large sense in relief in accepting it as part of who you are and as condition you can learn to live with. I would encourage you to seek professional help, and to keep an open mind. For me relief didn't come in the form of medication, but through other practices such as meditation, building a support group, seeking spiritual growth, and learning how to identify and communicate effectively when this is starting to take me for a ride. I have found the writings of Viktor Frankl to be my inspiration - though nothing ever changed for me by just reading a book... its the actions I have taken as a result that have really helped. I feel for you, and I wish you the best.

A copy/paste of one of my posts from January:

There are several books about BDSM and its culture. Also female sexuality is often shunted for male, and both genders get a ton of misinformation in the judgmental world. The clit is a lot more than a nub and the proper term is vulva. I’ll post a few links of my favorite reading material and a bit about why I enjoyed them. The New Topping a New Bottoming Books a good overview of how to set up, the different types, and responsibilities of each person in a scene and explores the emotional side of it. https://www.amazon.com/New-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/B001TJV5DW

https://www.amazon.com/New-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_0/159-2529759-0556432?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=KEXYX8NPBXC1K8VSJF0N

Playing Well With Others. Examines the entire kink culture and how and why people can safely get involved. All the different symbols, types of D/s way more definitions then I could say here, the difference between a kink club, sex club, fetish night, leather bar etc. is all here. The back has a great long overview of many possible kinks and a chart for you to map out your experience and limit levels with each one. Also has a glossary of more books.
https://www.amazon.com/Playing-Well-Others-Discovering-Communities/dp/0937609587/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1483220806&sr=1-1&keywords=playing+well+with+others

Also I’m new to relationships in general but to really learn how to make a woman feel good you might want to look into She Comes First. As you'll see from reviews even couples who've been together a long time really got 'energized' by the book. Also good at dispelling many myths around female sexuality that both men and women might think. It’s written by a guy but very focused on female-centric pleasure, right up a subby guy’s alley. It’s really helped me and I’m only halfway through since I got it 2 days ago!
https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1483221177&sr=1-1&keywords=she+comes+first

Darling Discovered. A submissive woman’s journey from a vanilla relationship transitioned to D/s. I really identified with her for much of the book. The other recommendations are mostly objective but you really go into Mrs. Darling’s heart, it’s a true story so none of the trite clichés made by authors who know nothing of the culture. It may also give insight to those already in relationships considering BDSM, something I don’t have experience in. Her prologue that you can view with Look Inside certainly grabs the attention of the reader! https://www.amazon.com/Darling-Discovered-True-Story-Submission/dp/0997421916

I have a few newer reviews if you want?

OK, now I am flying.

Introduction

Let us go on a journey, then, shall we?

Let us get a nice soundtrack first.

I recommend something relaxed, but heady.

Try PsyAmbient / Deep Trance Mix - "The Final Dimension" or Epicuros Interstellar (Chillout) on for size.

The journey

On this journey, I will introduce you in two sections.
These sections are Physics and Self improvement and understanding
The most preferred route will be first Physics, then Meditation.
After that we recommend the other way around.

After that, and I stress AFTER THAT,
You either retry, OR if you feel you have an understanding, try the other order.

AFTER THAT, again, I am serious.
You can try to intersperse them. Reading all of physics, one chapter of each a week, contemplating on their significance for each other.
But I can promise you will go back to the prior level more than once.

Gravity and Magnetism

Let us take a look at gravity and magnetism.

Magnetism

Google for [source of magnetism],
Look at the very first link provided:
Sources of Magnetism

That read is a trip, enjoy.

TL:DR

There are several sources of magnetism, but none of them have to do with mass.
There are ridiculously strong, small magnets.

Let us take a look at their strength

The magnetic force is much stronger than gravity.

Gravity

You can go on and learn about [gravitational waves] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gravitational_wave)
or and now it gets juicy after learning about gravity, go into the actual research, not the scifi esoteric crap, but real research on anti gravity.

Meditation, Fitness, Productivity, Creativity, and Happiness

With the head full of ALL that, we take a completely different direction, and go into our selves.

• Meditation
  
• Fitness
  
• [Productity](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Productivity versus Creativity versus Happiness
  
  

  Flow
  

  But if you really want to round it off, with actually becoming succesful go and learn about the concept of Flow by Mihaly_Csikszentmihalyi
  
  In his book flow:the psychology of optimal experience no affiliate link, don't worry
  
  

  Good Luck
  

  
  Alright, I think I have you covered for a while, there.
  
  Contact me, if you need to.
  
  Feel free to pester me with questions.
  
  I am actually beginning (again) with this, too.
  
  Maybe we can learn from each other.
  
  Deal?

The biggest difference maker between a high level player who plays for fun and pro gamers is Deliberate Practice.

If you're going to rise from 1800 mmr to pro level, you'll need deliberate practice, and a lot of it. If you're not familiar with the term, here are a couple books and an article to introduce you to the subject. Learning these techniques will have benefits far beyond dota.

The first goal is to prepare your fundamentals. There are plenty of other comments in this thread to help you there. You should build a working knowledge of every hero in dota. How? Don't just play games. For every single hero in dota, do the following.

• watch a guide video to learn the hero. Learn their combos, playstyle.
  
• watch a pro replay. Take notes.
  
• go into demo mode. CS with no items for 10 minutes. I don't care if it's fucking Techies. You need to know how to lasthit at heroes you want to play. Spawn some enemies and practice the stuff you saw the pro doing. If you're not sure how to do something, find a video that breaks it down.
  
• Play a game as that hero
  
• Go back into demo mode and do no items CS for 10 minutes.
  
• practice some more combos.
  
• play 2-4 more games on the hero.
  
  At this point, ask yourself if you can see yourself playing this hero long term. You should be looking to whittle down the pool from ~115 to ~20. If so:
  
  
• watch your worst replay and take notes.
  
• play at least 10 more games on that hero. Watch replays of the worst ones and take notes.
  
  At this point, you should have 700-800 games of dota under your belt. If you haven't improved to at least ~3.5k during this whole process (yes I know you've been learning heroes.), then pro dota is not in the cards for you.
  
  If you have improved, choose AT MOST 5 heroes, the best heroes you've got, to become your hero pool. Why? Because once you've learned the fundamentals, everything you can improve upon requires playing against better players. The longer you're in the trench, the longer you're solidifying bad habits. You're getting away with stuff that will be punished at higher mmr. Therefore...
  
  The second goal is to gain MMR. Like, at least 5000 higher than your current MMR. One important thing to realize is that it's possible to obtain a high MMR without any concept of teamwork whatsoever. You can begin working on your teamwork now, but KEEP IN MIND that this practice can be counterproductive at low MMR, as many patterns you will learn will change as you get better.
  
  Spam. Get a coach. Tryhard. Watch replays. Get yourself out of the trench. DON'T buy an account. Don't rely on your teammates. Watch replays, take notes. Win at all costs. We want to be playing against better players.
  
  If you actually make it to 6k, I think you'll know enough to be able to know how to take the next step.
  
  Good luck!

Thank you :)

If you do check out CBD Oils, the guy at the shop mentioned they like to start people out with water-soluble stuff as it gets into the system at a quicker rate. I'm sure you'll find helpful people on your side, but just in case maybe look for that or do a little extra reading.

Books...

• Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker This introduced two new trauma types into my vocab: Freeze & Fawn.
  
  
• #DEALwithIT by John A. King I'm partially through this and only pausing to dig into The Body Keeps Score. I totally dig the author's writing style and utter frankness in relating his experiences. The book also includes excerpts from his now-wife so it gives a great perspective from her position as well.
  
  
• The Body Keeps Score - already mentioned this one :)
  
  
• The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self by Alice Miller Haven't started this one just yet, but looks like a quick read.
  
  As far as mindfulness is concerned, I love the paid-app Buddhify - it has a variety of guided meditations for various situations and also includes options for non-guided. I do frequent mental scans of my body to make sure I'm not in what has been my default tense or armored state which I typically find I am - ugh. And then I've added mobility stretching with ROMwod. When I did crossfit that was something I was introduced to and now that I realize "relaxing into position" is actually a real thing, I love doing it.
  
  I don't want to overload another comment, but I'm totally happy to chat more or even offer myself as a reddit-support person if wanted. :)

I can see that just like me, you are also trying to make lot of changes in your life..

1. Fitness ie. C25k
   
   
2. New skill ie. Jiu-Jitsu
   
   
3. Quit smoking
   
   
4. Get over breakup
   
   But to make any dramatic change you have to keep pushing the wheel everyday till it starts moving. Afterwards it's only a question of steering & refueling. But that 'consistent everyday pushing' is the most difficult & challenging part. You can use that 'Emotional Energy' like anger, frustration, realization etc to push that wheel for few initial days but like 'Sugar Rush' it will quickly crash down, especially if you are trying to make many & major life style changes. What you need is a simple but sound strategy w/o much overhead that you can implement daily till you form a habbit of doing it unconsciously.
   
   Good staring points for habbit creation would be:
   
   

• r/TheXEffect : You can make 4 cards of above changes & in every card, you mark 'X' for a successful day. Challenge is to mark 49 consecutive X's.These simple X's can encourage you to keep going & to make the chain a bit longer everyday. They also have online website & apps for digital tracking of your habbits. Check out their wiki for details.
  
  
• The Willpower Instinct, by Kelly McGonigal
  
   
  
  
  On "All / None" thinking : I think it shows that you have good 'Intent' but bad 'Judgement'. Don't get me wrong because I also behave in similar way. But now I have realized that being Tortoise is more optimal & practical strategy for solving long term problems. All / None strategy often leads to procrastination & abandoning the project altogether. Slow & steady, if not 'wins' the race then atleast 'finishes' it!
  
   
  
  I can't help but comment upon your breakup. I am sincerely sorry to hear about that. But they say that "Rejection is better than Regret". Love is not life but only a 'part' of it. Life can offer you literally infinite more adventures. And with every adventure there will be good days & bad days. It's the journey that we must learn to appreciate & enjoy. Because happiness is not a 'State' but a 'Skill'. I am glad that you are moving forward with positive changes. You will cycle through many emotions like anger, depression, hate, envy etc. due to this breakup. Don't let any of these transient & harmful emotions drag you back to that vicious spiral. Pay attention to the emotions but don't interact with them. Keep yourself engaged in more fruitful activities & passions like running, jiu-jitsu, work, reading, traveling etc. Focus on youself & your family, on the Present & never the Past. It's a tricky situation, so be vigilant and may the force be with you!
  
  Sorry for the ramblings. All the best... :)

You're right there's no reasoning with him - so don't. Tantrums/meltdowns happen because his emotions have overwhelmed him. Something's wrong, he's upset, he doesn't have the ability yet to handle it. Remember that he's six - and even adults sometimes have meltdowns (or breakdowns) despite decades more experience.

Help him express his emotions before they get to the point where they boil over and he loses control.

It's okay to be angry! Or frustrated. Or disappointed. Your emotions are what they are! They just need to be expressed non-destructively. The simple act of letting others know how you feel is a huge relief (don't you vent to your wife sometimes when you get home from work?).

The methods you're using from The Explosive Child are a big step toward this already: you're letting him know that he can talk to you, express his problems, and that you will listen and help him resolve those problems. It may take a while for this process to sink in an become habit with him, so be patient.

At the same time, you can encourage him to express his feelings by helping him to identify them and by acknowledging them. ("I see you're getting frustrated. This homework is hard.") I hate to recommend another book to you (haha, not really) but you really should check out How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk because it has a lot of strategies and examples in this vein. The now-adult daughter of the authors teaches classes based on the book and has this to say in the afterword:

>When we meet for the last time, I ask the parents which skill they found most useful. Without fail, most say that the language of accepting feelings is what has profoundly changed their relationship with their children. It’s interesting to me that this is what they choose. Way back in session one, when we first talk about this skill, I can tell that the parents are impatient. They want to get past the touchy-feely stuff and move on to the real tricks of the trade. They accept the idea of acknowledging feelings, but what they really want to know is “Then what?” ... It really takes the whole six-week series for it to sink in. Acknowledging feelings is not the prologue; it’s the main event. All the other skills build on that foundation.

On a side note, though the book was written in the 70's it contains a number of examples of what is essentially The Explosive Child's Plan B. The authors really know their stuff, IMO.

Keep calm.

When your kid is in that stressed-out 'meltdown' state, his body has transitioned into a high-arousal fight-or-flight mode. The rational parts of the brain hand control over to instinct. You need to help him stay in (or get back to) a normal state.

First, keep yourself calm. Don't get upset or yell. The more stress you create, the more you feed into the meltdown.

Second, teach him some breathing exercises to lower his arousal level. (There are many physiological reactions to high arousal that we can't control - ie. elevated heart rate - but lucky for us breathing is one thing we can. Our respiratory rate wants to increase, but studies show if we take control and slow it down, the rest of the autonomic system will usually follow.) When he starts to get upset, have him close his eyes and take three (or five) deep, slow breaths.

If you feel yourself starting to get angry at him over the tantrum, breathing works for you too! :)

Let it go.

Once he's already in full-on meltdown mode, he is (as you say) unable to be reasoned with. He has feelings to express (even if he hasn't learned the best way to do it yet). Wait calmly with him for him to finish. When it's out of his system and calm has returned, he'll be more ready to discuss his problem calmly (as you've noted already). I don't think sending him away from you is a good idea - not only is it unlikely to work, but it sends the message Dad's not there for me when I'm upset. (Edit: It's cool to let him go if he wants some time to himself to cool down.)

That's not to say you should allow him to hit people or destroy things; it's totally okay to pick him up and take him somewhere where he can calm down with you - the couch in the living room, or on his bed - restraining his hands if necessary (you can say calmly, "It's okay to be upset. It's not okay to hurt people."). This is a time in.

I found an antidepressant that worked for me (I had to try a few, figuring out what drug will work for a particular person is a bit of a guessing game). That helped me regain some perspective on life and remember what it feels like not to be depressed and hopeless all the time.

Then I started changing some habits. I exercised more (both weightlifting and cardio) and found that it improved my mood even more than my health. I ate better, fewer refined sugars, more vegetables, etc. I worked to incorporate things I really enjoy into my normal routine. I like to read, so I made sure I took the time to do it even when busy with other things. My mood is better when I'm with friends, so I made more of an effort to get out and be social. I watched less TV, which tends to dampen my mood.

A lot of people are depressed for a reason. Even if a big part of the problem is how you respond to certain kinds of pressures and disappointments, you can make things easier on yourself by looking for things in your life that make you depressed. Is your job demoralizing? Look for ways to make it better or try to find a new one. Are you in a relationship that's giving you more stress than happiness? Maybe you should address some of the things that make you unhappy with your SI, or get out of the relationship altogether. Big changes can be stressful, which can make some people depressed, but they can also be empowering and remove unhealthy elements from your life. It takes some self-knowledge and serious thought to know which is which, but it's worth it.

After making the lifestyle changes, I started to think about my mental habits. I learned through research that cognitive behavioral therapy is the most effective form of "talking cure." I'm more comfortable working things out by myself, so I bought self-help workbooks based on that method (e.g.).

I started researching the science behind neuroplacticity, or the degree to which your brain can physically adapt to habits of thought, and learned that what seemed to be hardwired can actually be changed through effort and practice. That was empowering, and motivated me to change the way I think about things.

I read books like Flow and The Chemistry of Joy, in order to understand better what being happy looks like in practice.

I used the antidepressants as a crutch to help stabilize me while I got my life together, and to keep me from falling into the crippling despondency that goes with my depression. After I had built some healthier habits, both mental and behavioral, I decided to get off them to see if I could sustain myself without them. Remember that getting off of most antidepressants can bring on extremely painful withdrawal if done too quickly. Taper down slowly with the help of your doctor. Remember also that there's some evidence that after going off of a drug, it can be less effective when you go back on, so focus on improving your mental outlook and habits for a while before jumping off your meds. I still have bad days, but I'm better equipped to cope with them now, and I don't get caught in depressive cycles the way I used to.

Finally, remember that just like everyone responds differently to different medications, everyone will take different things out of the books I mention and the techniques that worked for me. Look around and see what appeals to you. The important thing to remember is that you can change your mental health with practice, and it's not as hard as it seems when you're depressed.

I wish you the best of luck.

This should get you started:

Models by Mark Manson: Main takeaway from Manson's book is to be vulnerable, be honest. There are other recommended books on this page, don't touch those. Vulnerability is good for coworkers, women you're attracted to/seeing, your family. Overall good, practical read.

Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey: General self-help. Even if you don't put any of the systems into place, it gives you a sense of betterment. Fake it until you make it is no joke. At least feeling like you're getting more control in one area of your life can benefit all your other areas.

Power Cues by Nick Morgan: A great book to get you started on posture, voice, finding what to improve on. I recommend this book a lot.

Three books are good for now. If you want something in-depth, or more difficult, maybe even a step-by-step, feel free to PM me. The books I suggested will definitely get you on your way to feeling better, presenting yourself more comfortably and confidently, and also gives you ideas on what to practice and improve on.

I'm not the guy you're replying to, but I can heartily recommend Models: Attract Women Through Honesty. It really focuses more on "inner game"* over "tricks" or routines to memorize. While the Mystery Method may have given you routines to fool women into thinking you're an attractive man with a good life, this book focuses on actually making youself an attractive man with a good life.

I haven't gotten all the way through the book yet (let alone actually applying any of the concepts), but I think it condenses a lot of the thinking in most of the latest PUA models in a pretty short book that, at the very least, gives you a jumping off point to start with it.

Magic Bullets and Love Systems' Routine Manuals are decent too if you are looking for actual material to talk to women with until you get more comfortable with actually talking to women without having scripts to go by.

• I don't know how familiar you are with pick up terminology, but inner game refers to your mindset and other external factors which affect your confidence and intent. There's a lot of suggestions that talk about improving your life, broadening your experiences, and trying to give yourself a desire to experience more than just sitting in front of a computer when you aren't trying to pick up women.

Well congratulations on taking your first step!

I know it can be confusing, I've went through what your going through not that long ago myself. I've written and still am writting on the subject on my website but a really good place to start like would be like Petra-Arkanian said Darr_Syn's posts (particularly his "Intro to Kink").

You might want to check out my Identity in BDSM post, and maybe read "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" or "The New Topping Book" and "The New Bottoming Book".

Once you get on Fetlife join the Novice and Newbie group, they have allot of great resources available.

Get interested and start reading up on it, also don't be afraid to ask questions but there's allot of stuff you can find an answer to by using the search function for this subreddit or fetlife.

Good luck, and you can pm me if you have any other questions :)

Cheers!

When my partner and I started negotiating the BDSM aspect of our relationship we both decided to educate ourselves as much as possible on the subject. I would recommend a lot of reading, especially The New Topping Book & The New Bottoming Book as well as SM101: A Realistic Introduction.

Fetlife.com is an online fetish community where you can meet like minded people and take part in discussions, ask questions, etc. We found a lot of great people and resources through Fetlife. There are plenty of groups devoted to mental & physical domination techniques, rope work, and starting out in a D/s relationship.

A search on Youtube for The Knotty Boys will give you all sorts of stuff to practice.

An exercise that my partner and I found very helpful involved me writing a letter to Him expressing what I wanted/needed from a Dom, what I had to offer Him in return, my hopes and fears, and any information about myself that I felt would help us along the way. We refer back to that letter periodically as our relationship continues to evolve.

In terms of experimenting together, I would recommend starting with a Yes/No/Maybe list like this one. You each go through the list on your own and then compare answers together. You start where there is mutual interest and go from there.

Best of luck, and hope this helps!

PS. Whenever you engage in any BDSM related activities you must always be Safe/Sane and make sure they are consensual. You will not be able to have any successful relationships without excellent communication skills, so always be working on improving your communication.

Another vote for both of the Emily Oster books, and the best practical book I've read is Heading Home with Your Newborn. Also this one's not a pregnancy book but I would strongly recommend How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen if you're at all scared of the toddler through kinder stage. It's an entertaining read that aligns well with developmental psychology and has all these really funny real life examples of using the strategies from the book.

If I had to only pick a handful, I'd pick those.

I also liked the Ina May book which people will recommend a lot, but keep in mind it really is exclusively about childbirth and it's a bit crunchier than the average (though this pertains to the birth stories included more than Ina May's actual writing IMO). There's a good interview with her on the Longest Shortest Time podcast that addresses some of the things I felt the book could have benefited from stating outright to avoid sounding a little preachy at times.

If you're looking for like a detailed read that starts with absolute basics that would be especially good for anyone who hasn't researched much on pregnancy before, I would recommend Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn: The Complete Guide. It's as thick as a textbook but it doesn't read like one. They have a page in most sections directly speaking to partners as well, which is neat.

As much as I want to agree with this, I've always found the whole dictum of 'discipline' to be kinda... lacking. Let me tell you an anecdote.

if I'm good at anything in my entire life, it's probably programming. I've been doing it for 15 years or so. I've made popular games, websites, worked for multiple companies, gainful employment, open source projects with hundreds of thousands of downloads, blah blah blah. Not trying to brag, just trying to get across the point that I am indeed competent.

Anyways, I hear people on Reddit saying that you need discipline and that you should just force yourself to do it even if you don't want to. Thing is, did I use discipline to get as good as I am at programming?

No.

I do programming because I enjoy it. Programming is one of the most fun activities that I do. Heck, I was programming just now (at 2AM) before I switched over to Reddit to troll some people - err, I mean respond to your post. :) Just doing some fun little side work, and enjoying myself. There's nothing disciplined about what I was doing. I didn't force myself to open up my IDE. I just did, because it's fun. This is 100% the essence of what makes me a good programmer.

And so when I see everyone on Reddit saying that discipline is the way to enlightenment, I get sad. Because if I had followed that ideology instead of doing the stuff that I enjoy, I wouldn't be who I am today.

Humans aren't robots. If you take a guy and force him to do with discipline an activity he isn't really enjoying, he's still not going to enjoy it. He'll feel bad that he doesn't like it, and he'll get distracted and disappointed in himself for getting distracted, and etc etc.

If you take a guy and let him do an activity he wants to do, you won't have to force him or make him disciplined. He'll just do it automatically and get good at it.

The great thing about it is that you can really learn to enjoy almost any activity by learning how to get into flow state while doing it. There's been a couple of good books written on it.

Now if Reddit had chosen to focus on flow, rather than discipline, as the way to get good and steady improvements, then that would have been awesome! But they didn't, and that makes me disappointed. Not to write off discipline entirely, as it's important to know that not every time you do something is going to be as amazing as the first time. And discipline can sometimes lead to flow states.

The problem is that Reddit seems to celebrate 'forcing yourself to work'. That, to me, is incredibly dumb. If you're not enjoying your work, that means that something about your workflow is incorrect and needs to be fixed. It's like trying to continue to drive with a flat tire. Eventually you could cause damage if you don't figure out what's going on.

Anyone who does that is going to get rapidly surpassed by people that don't need to force themselves to do anything because they do it for the love of it.

Check out the Love and Logic series by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, professionals who worked with foster kids with severe behavioral issues so it focuses on non punitive discipline but is awesome. On their website they have a whole list of resources for children and 7 to 12 years age group as well as a link to their main book Parenting with Love and Logic.
http://www.loveandlogic.com/c-11-ages-7-12.aspx

Another fabulous one is How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1451663889?pc_redir=1406625612&robot_redir=1

Good luck, she's fortunate to have a loving father figure who cares so much!

Hi CaseyD123,

I'm sorry to that you are struggling right now. It looks like you've had a lot of good advice in the other comments, but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone.

I am also raising a very intense 3-year-old with only the help of my husband. We moved away from our home state 5 years ago to start a life away from my toxic family and we have no help here. I am a SAHM but I also work from home and run the house. My husband helps as much as he can, but IT IS HARD! Our child is very challenging and it's difficult when there is no break, it's either him or me. We also don't have a normal support system and I often fantasize about living in the type of familial community where everyone is watching everyone's kids, then at least you can have a minute to yourself. Unfortunately, that is not the reality.

I also have Complex PTSD which, I think, is what you might mean about being "haunted by terrible memories." Those are called flashbacks. If you aren't familiar with Complex PTSD, I highly recommend reading Pete Walker's book or checking out his comprehensive website. Understanding and getting treatment for the PTSD has helped a lot with that helpless/struggling feeling.

You are also doing a great job by asking for support!!! Please feel free to PM me if you'd like. I'd be very happy to talk with you some more. What you are doing is so hard, but try to remember that you are very capable and that you can make good decisions. And we are here for you.

Hugs if you'd like them!

>What can you do to calm this down?

​

you can begin Inner Critic shrinking work, as per Pete Walker's CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving.

(PM if you are searching for a copy)

​

you can begin dissecting, deconstructing, and reprogramming yourself from the Consensus Trance lethal O.S. our family aculturated us into -because that was 'educating' for them too, also blind agents of the Consensus Trance- so that we did not have to think or feel but just resort to 'COMMON KNOWLEDGE' for inviariably every single thing that we have otherwise never thought of [properly] because we've never felt it, never experienced it,

because we, during the process we're told to call 'EDUCATION', are indoctrinated into 'believing' (without giving it a single thought of our own really) that what the majority believes/accepts/reflects to 'know' as per shown by their actions, is the right thing –that others know better than us simply because they were here before us or simply because they are more (in number), or more experienced (they are definitely NOT, and current state of society undisputably shows that), etc.

Search on this sub for the best reprogramming books and authors references on that -and all related so- topic.

In the last decade of my life I've been recommending these same books to friends and people actively working on reprogramming themselves; my go-to usually: Alan Watts, Jiddu Krishnamurti, or dig deep directly in Charles Tart's work (there are PLENTY others too).

​

They are long-term works,(never feels like 'work' to me!) but they're necessary if the inner critic is that powerful.

Please understand toxic inner criticism is a corrupt programm (in that it harms its 'host'), and PLEASE do understand that it does NOT come from you, it is not you, and above all understand that no matter what you 'think' right now about it, shutting up that self-shaming voice goes hand in hand with reprogramming yourself.

Along with Walker's practical self-therapy, there's a lot you can do there.

​

Last but not least, I am giving you this advice because it has been my own personal experience, in which my intuition led me to all these authors and ´viewpoints' again and again; within a couple years I was free from that conditioning, as free as I've gotten –if not completely, quite close to it.

​

​

God, this is something I've thought about a lot...

I lived in Japan when I was in college, and one of the biggest things I noticed was the huge difference the two cultures have on learning, what I ended up calling The Cult of Originality and The Cult of Mastery.

In The Cult of Mastery, the Japanese method, originality isn't valued as highly as the complete mastery of the fundamentals, followed by the mastery of an already existing style. After multiple styles are mastered, that's when the learner can start melding them together, to create something unique, and perhaps his own style, but this is an afterthought, not the goal.

The other side of the coin is the American Cult of Originality, in which the goal is to create new material from day one, and the fundamentals are only a stepping stone to that creation of your own new material.

To put this in return top terms, in Japan, a flawless execution of a routine in Jensen Kimmet's style will score higher in a competition than a flawed original execution. In America, the reverse is true, originality will always win.

My biggest takeaway from all of this, as an American, is to not give a shit if people think my style is derivative. I've only been taking throwing seriously for about nine months, which ain't a long time. I will keep drilling the fundamentals, and mimicking styles I like, all with the faith that originality will come at when those fundamentals are not enough.

If you like this line of thinking, I would really recommend the books The Art of Learning (by the guy who Searching for Bobby Fisher was based on, who became a world champion in martial arts later on in life), The Road to Excellence (which is expensive, but you can find pdfs of on the internet), Malcom Gladwell's Outliers, and The Book of Five Rings

Guy here. You might want to read Way of the Superior Man. Yes, it's for guys, but I know some women who've read it and liked it. In a nutshell, he talks about feminine energy and masculine presence. They attract and need each other. So if a woman is wondering what she contributes besides sex appeal, energy might be the answer.

I think of it like dancing. The man leads and sets the frame, but the woman provides the energy and flash that makes good dancers look like lovers in ecstasy.

Also, David Deida has another book called It's A Guy Thing: A Owner's Manual for Women. I haven't read it but have heard good things.

I think that your awareness of this is the first step. You're already seeing a counselor, so that's the next step.

I've been seeing counselors for as long as I can remember, and it hasn't been until I decided to take action that anything has actually changed. This action takes different forms for different people. I'm in a position now where, similar to you, I've been in relationships for the majority of my life. I'm currently dating a man who completely loves me - clingy, neediness, "crazy" and all. And despite all of this, my knowledge that these characteristics are still here has influenced my decision to end this relationship and embark on one I've been avoiding for years; my relationship with myself. I'm going to work to get to know myself as hard I would work to get to know a guy I'm interested in. Figure out what I like to do, what makes me tick, what I want my morning routine to be, what I want to eat at a restaurant, what music I'm going to listen to... Whatever it is that I would like to know about a significant other, if I don't know about it in myself, then I am looking to find out - explore myself and put effort into my own happiness and self love. We hear it all the time from many clichéd sources, but if you don't love yourself, you'll never be able to love or be loved by someone else.

I'm going to guess that, based on your description (been in relationships forever, have daddy issues, and are clingy/insecure) that my situation is not dissimilar to yours. Do yourself a favor and take care of it sooner than later. It will be a constant effort to work through, but you will be happier for a longer part of your life than if you wait to deal with it.

I hope the best for you!

Edit: Typically this "diagnosis" is called Codependent. Read about it and see if the descriptions apply to you. I read a book called Codependent No More that helped me hugely. Some applied, some didn't, but it helped regardless.

What you're describing is a pretty common problem - so know that you're not alone here! Our society places a huge amount of pressure on sexual performance, particular with men and their abilities to be hot and ready any time, any place. This unrealistic expectation just sets men and their partners up for disappointment, as nobody could possibly be ready all the time.

That being said, there are a number of things you could do to help decrease your anxiety. If you want help fast, seeing a sex therapist would be fabulous, or even a psychologist who works with anxiety could be helpful. It sounds like you have some pretty powerful anxiety-driven thoughts that are more based on your fears than in facts. A good therapist can help you tease that out, and come to a place where your thoughts reflect a more realistic picture of what's going on in your life.

If you're looking for the self-help route, The New Male Sexuality (http://www.amazon.ca/The-New-Male-Sexuality-Pleasure/dp/0553380427) gives a really great overview about how male sexuality has been changing over the years, and how to optimize your experience (along with general sexual health info, techniques, exercises, etc). For general help with anxiety, Mind Over Mood is an excellent resource for educating yourself on the nature of your thoughts, and how they impact how you feel and act. (http://www.amazon.ca/Mind-Over-Mood-Change-Changing/dp/0898621283). It's not specific to sexuality, but the same principles apply.

In general, sexual arousal is greatly affected by what's going on in your brain. If you're worried about the number of times you've had sex this month, or whether you're going to perform this time, you have less cognitive energy for simply enjoying your sexy times! Desire discrepancy between partners can be tough to negotiate, so it's really important to maintain good communication with your partner. Everyone has different wants, needs, and tendencies, and one test of a good relationship is whether you can negotiate those differences well together and come to a place where you both feel heard and understood.

It's more about connecting - walking and connecting. Talking and bonding. Marriage takes work. Sadly, no one can hide behind kids and expect a relationship to work. You both have to be up for it too.

I strongly encourage you to checkout out John Gottman's "7 principals of successful marriage" (or some title similar. I'm on mobile but that book is popular and amazing and worth reading even if it's 20 years old) "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" If you check on www.overdrive.com your library may let you check out a digital copy of it, which is how I read it - hunched over my phone while my kid crawled all over me.

They studied marriages of all kinds and his group truly gets what makes a marriage work. I read it. Husband read it. We discussed. It helped soooooo much!

Most of all - you don't have to be alone or hide. You can be open and trust someone to help you. You can let him have that opportunity and hopefully he's the type who will take advantage of your openness and respond in kind.

How do you want your marriage to look if it were perfect? What are you willing to do to get from here to there?

There is no easy fix to this. I am almost 30 and struggle with it frequently. Personally for me what helped the most was being in school getting my bachelor's in child and family studies. The degree doesn't do alot if youre looking to make money when youre done but it was heavily focused on self growth and development. Some of the books we read included "parenting from the inside out" "7 habits of highly effective people" (Cliche' I know), and "A man's search for meaning". While these books were useful tools, it helped that the professors I had encouraged people to discuss their lives, struggles, Journal (but constructively, not just your struggles but when you overcome them, and set goals for yourself, document your downfalls and triumphs and review when youre down) and to stay off of social media. Unplug completely. this is something I still do when I feel overwhelmed with being a single parent. Also I know it is hard but if you can have your little one help with all the mundane stuff (like housework) it can help make it a sharing moment rather than I need to get this done moment. (I personally struggle with that from time to time, I don't know if you do). I am sorry youre struggling, please keep your head up. you will raise a strong woman and when she is older you are allowed to have fun with her while all those friends will be raising babies.

​

https://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Inside-Out-Self-Understanding-Anniversary-ebook/dp/B00HZ1E5BM/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2Q560RPRBOPQZ&keywords=parenting+from+the+inside+out+book&qid=1556573094&s=gateway&sprefix=parenting+from+the%2Caps%2C142&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X/ref=sr_1_2?crid=17U8X5LTV3VED&keywords=victor+frankl+man%27s+search+for+meaning&qid=1556573116&s=gateway&sprefix=victor+fra%2Caps%2C143&sr=8-2

https://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People-Powerful-ebook/dp/B01069X4H0/ref=sr_1_3?crid=3JN0J6CGL5KOP&keywords=7+habits+of+highly+effective+people&qid=1556573140&s=gateway&sprefix=7+ha%2Caps%2C146&sr=8-3

I have PTSD from an abusive childhood, and formally diagnosed ADHD which I take medication for. Here are some things that helped me the most:

• The book "Complex PTSD" by Pete Walker
  (Literally can't recommend this book enough. I think it will help you to read it too.)
  https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_jMhVDbRZRTVAE
  
  
• Pete Walker's Website, with free excerpts of the book
  http://pete-walker.com/
  
  
• Psychology Today: If you're in the U.S., this website is fantastic for finding a therapist. You can filter by insurance, specialty, gender, religious affiliation, LGBT+ friendly, etc. This is how I found my current therapist.
  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us
  
  
• /r/cptsd is painful to read, but has a lot of useful insights and recommendations. I recommend crossposting this there.
  
  
• My ADHD affects my PTSD a lot, so treating the ADHD (which it sounds like you guys doing, which is awesome) is super important for making progress with PTSD. I found this explanation of ADHD really insightful.
  https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/azsvcd/complete_transcript_for_this_is_how_you_treat/
  
  
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been life changing for me. There are many other types of therapies, but I'm partial to this. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and EMDR are a couple of other popular ones for PTSD.
  
  
• Try to find out if he has any form of Sensory Processing disorder or sensitivity, since it's common with both PTSD and adhd. I only discovered that I had it very recently, but the awareness has been super helpful in regulating my moods. Earplugs for sleep and noisy times of day reduce my nightmares and flashbacks in general. Soft, nonrestrictive clothing helps me feel safe and less stressed. https://www.spdstar.org/basic/symptoms-checklist
  
  
• The book "Who's Pulling Your Strings?" by Dr. Harriet Braiker
  This bookhelped me recognize the ways in which I still volunteer myself as a scapegoat, and figure out where I needed to create my boundaries.
  https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071446729/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_v5hVDbJDTYSDK
  
  You did the right thing by putting your foot down. Just so you know, his past and mental illness are never a valid excuse for treating you badly, and its healthy for him for you to set the boundaries you need. Caregiver fatigue is real, and you can only help him if your needs are met too.
  
  I hope this helps! Please pm me if you have specific questions or would like to talk more about PTSD/ADHD stuff!.
  
  Edit: formatting

Negotiation checklists can be very excellent for this sort of thing. Find one that’s ridiculously extensive, then you each fill it out on your own, then come together and see where there’s overlap in the things you’d both be interested in trying. From there, you have a whole pool of options so you can go in knowing where the lines are, which can help with having more confidence in what you’re doing, while also giving her the excitement of not knowing which of the things you might choose + proof that you’re just as excited as she is for some of these things.

And while you could dive straight from checklist to play, I’d actually highly recommend “practice” sessions first. What’s great about practice sessions is that the expectation no longer becomes that you’re going to go in and just know everything (which is a very unfortunate prolific trope—albeit highly inaccurate: Doms aren’t born, they’re made); ask if she could give you feedback while you try one of the things of mutual interest, say what feels good/doesn’t, what would make it more intense, etc. Inviting that sort of great communication before you go in for the “real deal” gives you a chance to learn how to better do whatever thing it is you want to do, like spankings, impact, rope, electricity, you name it. And then you can build your confidence and mastery in them so you can bust them out in a more organic, spontaneous way.

It’s great that you’re taking the initiative like this, which does seem to indicate that you might enjoy the kinky side more than you realize. I don’t think you’re doomed, it just sounds like maybe there might be some (understandable, but incorrect) preconceived notions re kink as it’s portrayed in romance novels vs how people become proficient in reality. Happy playing!

Some of My Fav Resources:
Rope: crash restraint, remedial ropes
General/Various: Stefanos and Shay, SM 101
Workshops/classes

Dude, you are actually genuinely lucky. Please, take it from me, as a man who has to endure a wife who went from 170 to 270. She was pretty before, but much less so now. You are absolutely correct there is a dark side, which is all of the male attention.

​

Remember this at all times: SHE CHOSE YOU. Every day she is continuing to choose you. You are doing something right that she really cares about.

​

Here is a to do list to help out:

1. Learn how to do kegels excercises (do a band excercise and then do kegels at the same time. A side effect I have noticed is the increased hardness of my erections and the longer staying power. While your dick might be numb after the first time, you can continue the action until she finishes.
   
2. How to say no. This book will help keep her feeling secure and that you care about her.
   
3. How to deal with why you don't believe in yourself.
   
4. Here is a hands down best book on sex ever. Seriously, you can read the first chapter and apply it immediately. It is all about changing your mindset. Get better at sex. (NSFW)
   
5. Your charisma could use improvement. Constant compliments become meaningless. Solution: Learn Charisma. I have done this course and is helping to change my life for the better.

Yeah, it's definitely a YMMV thing.

I think a lot of the struggle is that there's a representation issue; we really only see the guys who are succeeding, so if they don't look like us it's easy to feel dissonance. I'd bet that if you looked at the experiences of white men at a larger level (or hell, even just browse some posts on reddit), you'd find that dating being hard as fuck is the normal experience.

As far as operationalizing that understanding into success, I think one has to reevaluate their approach to dating. Approaching random women in clubs is hard - and if you're black and fit "that" stereotype you're less likely to get a positive reaction than white dudes who don't (and still get complained about by women). Who are you trying to get with? Is the "you" you're presenting something that that demographic will find appealing? I've always liked girls who have a good sense of fashion, but it wasn't until I started paying more attention to what I wore that they'd give me the time of day. In the same way, knowing that a lot of white people still have (at the least) unconscious biases against black men, making sure that you don't come off as intimidating initially is really important. I grew up in a town with tons of educated people and as a result don't "sound" black. While that leads to stupid situations occasionally where I get told that I'm "articulate," it also means that the women I'm interested in feel more comfortable around me because I'm well-spoken and can communicate with them on a level they can appreciate.

Which isn't all to say that you need to change who you are in order to find success, but rather that the stereotypical strategy of casting a wide net is both inelegant and won't lead to much success if you're black. Instead focus on what you want and what the people you're interested in want; it takes much less energy for immensely better results.

Also, read Models by Mark Manson. It's a quick read and the PDF is floating around online, but it's honestly worth the buy. Book's a game changer.

Disclaimer: A down-vote is NOT "I disagree", but this post adds nothing interesting.

First, you'll probably want to read last year's thread:

• What's the most important thing you've learned about UI design?
  
  My speciality is Graphics, Fonts, User Experience, and User Interface. I don't have any portfolios / demos (ATM) but I can give some advice. Here are my thoughts & wisdom I've collected over 20 years. (You may notice some of this in the above thread -- I'll try not to overlap too much.)
  
  IMO, there are 2 levels to UI:
  
  

  Low-Level code
  

  
  Traditionally, UI was given to the "junior" programmers because it wasn't as "sexy" as the main game development (Physics, AI, Rendering, Audio, Networking). Translation: It wasn't "mission critical", plus you couldn't really 'screw it up'.
  
  Casey Muratori (Handmade Hero) has an article on UI called Semantic Compression that discusses how to write clean UI code. You'll notice that UI design & implementation using OOP, DD (Data Driven), and/or DOD (Data-Orientated-Design) are pretty boring to most people.
  
  The best way to understand UI is to
  
  

1. Implement it.
   
2. Analyze it
   

• What are the strengths?
  
• Weaknesses?
  
• How rigid is it?
  
• How flexible is it?
  
• How many hacks did you use?
  
• How much did you over-engineer it?
  
• How simple it?
  
  UI isn't just about the parts though -- it is about the sum of the parts. Which leads me to my next point:
  
  
  

  High Level Psychology
  

  
  This is a huge topic -- I'll go over the basics.
  
  0. Purpose of UI
  
  The zeroth rule of UI is:
  
  

• The sole purpose of UI is to get out the way and empower the user to do what they want.
  
  Far too many people focus on (useless) Form over Function. A great UI can't save a bad game, but a great game can be hurt by bad UI.
  
  1. Frame-rate
  
  First, IMO, if you don't understand the difference between 120 Hz, 60 Hz, and 30 Hz, you shouldn't be doing UI. Go buy a 120 Hz "gaming monitor". Learn about micro-stuttering -- when a solid 60 Hz momentary drops down to 30 Hz for one frame and then back up. I'd recommend starting here: DF Retro: Daytona USA and Why Frame-Rate Has Always Mattered
  
  Second, if you aren't targeting at least 60 Hz in your UI, you're doing it wrong. Nothing says amateur hour more then crappy 30 Hz -- it tells people you don't a) know, or b) care about the fundamentals. Again, I'd recommend watching these videos demonstrating judder:
  
  
• OWE my eyes @ 24 fps
  
  
• Silky smooth @ 60 fps
  
  Third, learn about blending, or easing equations. Robert Penner's easing equations are the classic, badly written, buggy, unoptimized ones, but they are good enough to get you started.
  
  2. S:N:~N
  
  The secret to good UI is understanding the S/N/~N ratio -- Signal:Noise:Anti-Noise.
  
  What are these?
  
  
• You've probably heard of Signal -- that is the actual text or UI elements that the user can interact with. You could think of this as: Function.
  
• The Noise is all the non-interactive stuff. "Fluff" such as backgrounds, etc. You could think of this as: Form.
  
• What you probably haven't heard of is "Anti-Noise". You could think of this as Whitespace. Without whitespace all the signal and noise would overlap!!
  
  IMO, it is the contrast between signal-and-noise that makes for good UI. What do I mean by that? Here is an example -- a plain data table.
  
  |Foo|Bar|
  |:--|:--|
  |Key1|Val1|
  |no background contrast|makes it hard to read|
  |Key2|Val2|
  |blah|blah|
  |Everything blends in|... yuck|
  
  The problem is TOO much signal effectively becomes noise. Hmmm.
  
  Compare and contrast, literally, with a table that has alternative background colors for even & odd rows. We have effectively added in Anti-Noise. We have used "pacing" or "flow" to the signal so that it is no longer monotonous. I'll add a link about flow in a minute.
  
  This is the kind of thinking that entails good UI:
  
  
• How can you present information to the user without overloading them?
  
• How can you make the non-obvious intuitive?
  
  To learn about UI you'll need to play games. Start breaking the UI down.
  
  
• What feels natural?
  
• What feels "hard" and takes longer then it should?
  
• What would I change? Why?
  
  
  3. Flow
  
  Most games have a crappy UI because the user's experience from their POV was never a focus -- it is, sadly, usually an afterthought.
  
  I'm not talking basic widgets such as:
  
  
• Text entry
  
• Radio buttons
  
• Drop drown menus
  
• "Flashy" 3D menus
  
• etc.
  
  I'm specifically talking about "Flow" -- what is the psychology of the gamer. That is, what are they thinking and feeling when:
  
  
• Your game starts up?
  
• How many useless splash screens do they have sit through before they can get to the main menu? Why do they have to watch them ... every .. single ... bloody .. time at startup???
  
• How many clicks does it take for them to actually get back into their game from a save game.
  
• How many unskippable cut-scenes do you make them sit through? Why do you not respect their time???
  
• Are things laid out logically and consistently?
  
• Does your game have a HUD?
  
• If so, is it cluttered?
  
• Are users able to re-arrange it to their needs?
  
  World of Warcraft was of one first triple AAA game to take UI serious. That was the pivotal, historical, moment when games progressed from stage 2 to stage 3.
  
  
• Hardware -- Can the raw hardware do what we envision? Mobiles have more then enough "horsepower" these days.
  
• Software -- Can we implement the algorithms? Yes, we've "solved" most of the "hard" problems like photo-realistic rendering, "good" AI, good physics, minimizing lag, etc.
  
• User Experience -- UI is not only about empowering the user -- but about the converse: What can we do to not piss off the user? i.e. Why do we make them click 4 times when 2 will do?
  
  IMO UI really is the last frontier in game development. It is about the level of polish that takes a good game and helps turn it into a great game.
  
  Hopefully this has given you some ideas to explore, to research, to learn about !
  

You might get some benefit from looking into complex PTSD. CPTSD is often associated with people who grew up in dysfunctional/abusive families, but I think it could also be a useful model for someone who acquired the adaptations in adulthood. I know it is a model that is sometimes helpful for cult survivors, which sounds like it might have a lot in common with your experience?

In the CPTSD model, for instance, people understand there to be such intense internal pressure for children to believe that their parents love them that the child will take on really elaborate mental self-torture in order to preserve the illusion of love; the child will take on toxic shame and self-blame rather than see that the parent is failing to parent adequately. It becomes a protective shield, but is also a high-cost adaptation to drag around with you. You also mention big feelings that "come out of nowhere" - in the CPTSD model, people often call those "emotional flashbacks".

You might find r/CPTSD helpful. Also the work of Pete Walker. This book might be a good place to start: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

I think if you just ignore the "childhood" stuff and remember that CPTSD is fundamentally an attachment disorder, and remember that you yourself are a survivor of a dysfunctional relationship hijacking your attachment wiring for awful things, it might help you see yourself in a compassionate way that allows for the start of healing.

If at all possible, I hope you can find a therapist. Pete Walker has some good ideas for finding a therapist who can work with you if you relate to the CPTSD framework.

May you find peace!

Honestly, when you go in for "the big talk" just keep your value and importance to your company pinned on your chest. It's a lot harder to let go of someone when they know just how much will have to be done once you're gone.

Doesn't necessarily help after the fact, but you might get some use out of the 48 Laws of Power. Great book by Robert Greene that breaks down some crucial social/professional skills that often go overlooked. I read it for the first time when I was 16 and it really changed the way I approach work relationships as a whole. It's not some kind of self help guru silliness, but rather a collection of historical instances where a small shortcoming lead to the demise of empires, businesses, and even just individual people. Why not learn from the mistakes of generals, kings, moguls, etc? :)


Law 1: Never Outshine the Master
>Always make those above you feel comfortably superior. In your desire to please or impress them, do not go too far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite – inspire fear and insecurity. Make your masters appear more brilliant than they are and you will attain the heights of power.

Mmm, I was more thinking about this thread particularly Wife wants me to be dominant, but I don't know how. Help me! The "I am a n00b and need help" threads are far better than any of the porn stuff. Don't get put off by the tonne of hardcore in there. :) There are those out there at are into more moderate BDSM play :)

If you'd like to give your wife an assassignment, when you order the two books, also order The New Bottoming Book By Janet W. Hardy for the wife. Read through/glance through The Bottoming Book and SM101 before giving them to her and Make notes especially things that pique your interest. Then give her little reading assignments on the things that excited you the most.

It sounds like a lot of work, and it doesn't really sound sexy, but a lot of being a sub (or playing one sometimes) is all stuff going on in your head.

Please feel free to give me a PM if you would like to talk more privately <3

I'm not able to answer most of your questions, but I would suggest a few things:

1. Get the book Non-Violent Communication. It is a really excellent resource for dealing with sticky situations without adding to the negativity (ie. a sourcebook for talking to assholes you have/want to talk to). I've used this for dealing with students who made me want to punch them in the face, and for repairing a beyond-broken relationship with my sibling.
   
   
2. Whenever talking to SD, make sure she feels very comfortable talking about BD to you. Talk to her the way you HOPE BD talks about you. Ask her questions you HOPE BD would ask her. Remember that he is her family. Remind yourself how fucking awkward it is for adults who remain friends with both parties after they divorce and have to navigate the is it okay if I mention that person's name around Friend? weirdness. Kids get it even moreso. By talking about him kindly or asking questions or whatever, you give her the signal that it is okay for her to love him just as much (or more) as she loves you.

Good observations. Thanks for sharing. I definitely noticed a shift in my perspective on air travel after practicing. My teacher mentioned the same thing. Long plane rides are an excellent opportunity to practice, like driving, but with even less need for conscious attention to any particular activity.

Regarding dating, it's useful to evaluate what draws you to it. That's something I've observed and questioned closely after beginning to date shortly after becoming separated and then proceeding through a divorce. Spurred on by metta? What do you mean by that exactly? I found that David Deida's The Way of the Superior Man provided a useful perspective on remaining purposeful and path-oriented (whatever that means to you) in the face of dating relationships, using those relationships as a chance to practice unconditional love, fearlessness, and freedom.

Lets start at square one, you may not be able to carry anything purpose built but you absolutely can ensure you have items that can be used to aid you in a pinch.

When I recently traveled to your country I opted to keep a couple items on my person...a tuff-writer pen and also a quality flashlight that ran on an AA power source rather than CR123's or something of that nature. In addition to that I would recommend that you have first-aid, a tool bag, and a fire extinguisher...in your automobile if applicable. Once you have a set of kit sorted out that should be something that is always with you just like the new can-do-attitude you will be cultivating, none of this crap helps you if its back at home 45 min away.

Something like this will add capabilities to your tool box, and that helps solve one aspect of your problem.

The other side of things is how to train yourself to be more aware, this is however a life long process and it is a skill that will atrophy quickly. I recommend you pickup a copy of this book The Gift of Fear it details the human fear response and helps put it in context for dealing with day to day life...this book was really what set me on the tracks for being more situationally aware.

The other thing you should remember is just because you don't have a pistol on your belt, or a myriad of knives on your body doesn't have any impact what-so-ever on how well prepared you are to deal with a crisis, or your situational awareness. I have known plenty of people (military/civilian) who have zero situational awareness and are completely unprepared to deal with anything unless its explained to them in advance, using small words.

Once you have a basis you can start looking at some of the next steps. I think a great many people will suggest Martial Arts to you, and there is nothing wrong with that at all...if it is something you are interested in, you might also consider some medical training, bush-craft skills courses, mountaineering instruction, land navigation...and other courses of this nature, again its about putting skills/tools in your tool box that can be drawn on later when needed.

I hope this helps at at least get you thinking about how you can start to be more self reliant, and help be part of the solution not the problem.

-Sage

Some basic recommendations:

https://www.amazon.com/Definitive-Book-Body-Language-Expressions/dp/0553804723/ref=cm_cr_srp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8

https://www.amazon.com/What-Every-BODY-Saying-Speed-Reading/dp/0061438294/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ll1&linkId=bd2c9af18031113249e398f82105631e&tag=mysoccom-20

Understanding body language is extremely important. Being able to read other people will give you a tremendous advantage in communication. It can also help you to police your own body language so you're not doing stuff that puts people off, and also so that you communicate in ways that makes them feel comfortable.

As for direct communication... Honestly, I learned most of that from a very good teacher of speech (as in, giving speeches) and from a friend who is quite ugly but does extremely well with women. Self-perception is a lot more important than people think. How you perceive yourself translates into you how present yourself. That takes more work, of course, but knowing this is a good place to start with that.

I also got a great deal from a book on emotional intelligence, but I can't remember what it was called and it was a library loan, so I don't even have it on my bookself to look it up. But I'd say look for books on that topic, as well. I did a quick look and found this one is highly recommended:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0974320625/ref=sspa_dk_detail_1?psc=1

As for websites, there's a lot out there. I'd just Google and see what strikes your fancy.

Good luck with it. In my personal estimation, the body language was the single most helpful thing I've studied. I use it constantly now, and it's just second nature to "read" people.

OP, you urgently need to read a book called The Way of the Superior Man. It's not about men being superior to women, it's about a superior KIND of man, who has figured out the essential differences in male vs. female attitudes.


In short, men are (generally speaking) linear thinkers. We like clean lines, we can read maps, and we put things in their place. Women are kinesthetic, emotionally driven creatures who are more into the "vibe" right now - more immediate, arguably more creative, and way more intense.

David Deida studied tantra in Tibet - not the "sex" kind, but the actual mastery of female and male forces within the body, and how interpersonal relationships work in this dynamic. It actually makes a lot of sense, if you're a focused minimalist, why your "opposite" would be this hyper messy chick. You probably have great sex. Seriously, go read this book. You will start appreciating why she's like that and why she has stuff spilling everywhere. It's like the cup of Dionysus that overflows with wine.


The key in the end is, she is helping you to master your emotions (even if she didn't have all this stuff, she would be fucking with you in other ways, I promise) and you are helping her to master her emotions. The key is learning to focus on what your mission is in life and to keep winning at that mission. (This is not an easy thing to hear, it definitely wasn't easy for me to read the first time around.) If you're seriously killing it at your job / mission / quest, you'll be grateful that you have a girlfriend and her stuff spilling everything will just be amusing to you.

> why wait?

Why wait, indeed! Good for you.

I've been reading The Willpower Instinct, and I know it sounds cheesy to turn to self-help books, but it's made quitting this time around a breeze. Granted, it's only been one day since I 'officially' quit, but the book made working my way down from half a pack to half a cigarette a day pretty simple.

A few great tips from the book:

• Apply the 10 minute rule. When a strong craving comes on, tell yourself, "ok, but in 10 minutes." Then at the end of those 10 minutes, do it again.
  
• Write down all the reasons you quit, then, just before a craving is scheduled to hit (like before your drive to work, or whatever triggers you), look at it the list and tell yourselves you'll have all those things (good health, better skin, easier time breathing, etc), or you could have a cigarette. Generally, your brain will side with whatever reward you promised it first. I usually chew Nicorette at the same time - just before the craving is due.
  
• Don't think about what you deserve (ie: I've worked hard, I deserve a cigarette). Instead think of what you want (I don't want breathing to be a labor).
  
  Anyways, here's the book. I'd recommend listening to it on tape, CD, Audible, or whatever while you're in the car, if car smoking is one of your triggers.

You give good hints, but I personally don't think a restaurant is the place to go to if you want to find out if a girl likes you or not.

Just think about it, there is a whole table full of stuff acting as some kind of 'barrier' between you and the girl. This is "first official date" kind of stuff where you don't have to figure these things out anymore.

I'm not the biggest expert on dating myself, but it's always good to not have such a barrier, and it's also better when you can see her legs. Is she sitting relaxed or does she take defensive/nervous postures? Do her feet point to you or the door? Is one of her feet constantly wipping up and down?

I read in a book on body language, either this one or this one, the former definitely having a chapter on flirting body language, that legs and feet are our most honest parts of the body, and think about it, it makes sense. You can lie with your face (e.g. poker face), with your hands (think of a liar who shows you his palms in a 'wasn't me' kind of way), but we rarely think about what our feet do.

I think that's why café are such popular "dating" places. You don't have to sit across a table, it's a relaxed setting and the seats are very comfortable. It's cheaper than a restaurant, too. When you're in a café you can try to sit next to her, or at least at ~90°.

> I'd really like to keep using them, but not if there's no way to make them safe.

I really want for you to find a way to use them safely, because I respect your attitude so much, there. Good going.

Also (after wandering away for a bit to consult SM101), if you don't have the book SM101 yet you should get a copy. I just read Wiseman's write-up about handcuffs and it seems there are safe ways to play with them but you have to be extra-careful. Again, good luck and good going!

> When I once mentioned the figures to her in the past she denied them as made up or only reported by the horny few who wanted to brag.

Assuming you're in the 30-39 age bracket, roughly somewhere between 80 and 95% of couples are having more sex than you. The Normal Bar gives similar (independently obtained) data (but unfortunately doesn't give a detailed breakdown). Don't bring this up with your wife unless she actually starts disputing whether your sex life is normal.

Here is what worked (sort of) for me:

• Watch The Sex Starved Marriage. People suggest showing it to your partner, but I don't think this is helpful unless they're receptive to it (it sounds like your partner is not). It's more useful to crystallize your own thoughts and [a] understand the dynamic of high/low libido partners and [b] that if you're like most people here then sex is just a pathway to intimacy, and that it's actually intimacy that you miss.
  
• Write down what you want to say to your partner (not necessarily word-for-word, dot points will do).
  
• Channel George Orwell: speak simply, don't bring in unrelated topics
  
• Don't ascribe blame or she will become defensive and defensive people shut down. "I took you out for dinner and we had a good time and we didn't have sex" is blaming her. "I took you our for dinner because I've been trying to reconnect with you and I miss you" is you sharing a sense of loss with her.
  
• Talk about what you miss (sex, closeness, feeling connected)
  
• Summarise the Sex Starved Marriage: sex is ultimately under the control of the low libido partner. It's unreasonable for them to both demand sexual exclusivity and then deny access to any activity. It's like a chef telling his wife that she's not allowed to eat any food except that which he makes, but then never making food because he's tired and can't be bothered. It's simply not a sustainable situation.
  
• Ask her to spend 20 minutes just listening to you without interrupting while you read it.
  
• Don't give her any written notes; you don't want this to be a nitpicking exercise.
  
• Don't follow up the conversation immediately, you want her to just think about what you said.
  
  Did this solve the problem? No, but my wife now acknowledges now that there is a real issue and we're (half successfully) working on it.
  
  Finally, before someone else (Draconis?) gets in to say it:
  
  > I love my wife and when we go on dates we get along great
  
  Are you really so sure about that? Do you hold hands? Do you kiss? Is she affectionate? Do you both say "I love you" and mean it as opposed to saying it out of habit? If so, fantastic -- half your job is done.
  
  Sex is a relationship barometer: most of the people in here who say "they are perfect except for sex" (especially those in long term relationships) are in denial. Their relationship is in fact is quite dysfunctional but they haven't realised it yet. Read Gottman and ask whether your relationship is as good as you think it is.
  
  Wishing you success!

Your mom is too involved in your personal business.

Full stop.

There is so much about your post that raises red flags, and I totally understand that you have a hard time seeing them. But really -- your mom is allowed to feel disappointed that you made a few mistakes (which are yours to make, btw -- it's your life), but she has gone off the deep end. It is entirely inappropriate for her to come at you in the way you describe. About your decisions, about your new partner, and about your choice of career. NONE OF THIS is appropriate.

My Nmom (and yours too, it seems) had a narrative about me, and she derived a lot of satisfaction from pressuring me to stay in that box. One step outside that box and the gloves would come off. Normal parents don't behave like this. They see their children as separate people. They want to see them make good choices, sure, but they don't shit all over your choices in an effort to make you conform to some narrative.

I see a lot of myself in your post -- I am long married to a (good) person who my Nmom always disparaged. I too have written about interactions with my Nmom in which I have been overly generous with how she is behaving toward me (as you are doing in this story -- her behavior is actually abhorrent and she owes you a massive apology). I second all of the recommendations for therapy because it will help you recalibrate your sense of normalcy in a parent-child relationship (and adult child at that). I would also encourage you to take break from talking to her if she can't treat you with respect, or at the very least, not bring up this topic ever again. You deserve that much. (You actually deserve much more, but this is the bare minimum.)

I wish you all the best. I think you may also benefit from reading about codependence -- Codependent No More is a good place to start. It's focused on codependence as it relates to alcoholism, but generalizes easily to the dynamic between ACoNs and their N(s).

Yes! "Well-rounded" is a great way to put it. A leader who had a favorable ("favorable" is subjective, I know) balance between certain traits. Balance is key here.. Take a trait like ruthlessness for example:

Genghis Khan killed 40 million people in his campaigns across Eurasia, right? Massacring, torturing, executing, and enslaving the whole way.

Was all that necessary? I'm actually willing to admit the possibility that it was, as a matter of strategy. Chapter 15 (Law 15) of Robert Greene's book The 48 Laws of Power is called "Crush Your Enemies Totally" and discusses just this sort of thing. So I would not necessarily begrudge a leader taking a violent approach to securing their empire.

Now take, on the other hand, a leader like Timur aka. "Tamerlane", who was sort of Genghis' successor in a way. Tamerlane's death toll was only about half that of Genghis', but ~19 million deaths is still nothing to sneeze at. Timur's conquests were also run in the same sort of ruthless fashion as Genghis' (executing 100,000 captives in the 1398 Capture of Delhi, beheading 70,000 after the Isfahan revolt, etc).

Does this make Genghis Khan twice as ruthless as Timur? And if they happened to have racked up the same death toll, would that make them equally ruthless?

I believe the thing to consider is what else each leader brought to the table for their people and the world AND if, or to what degree those merits offset their ruthlessness. Again, this gets pretty subjective and philosophical (but I am asking for opinions, after all :-)).

So, for example:

One of Genghis Khan's main motivations for his campaigns (and I do think motivations behind actions are important) was to open up trade routes for the good of his people. In fact Genghis Khan is credited with bringing the Silk Road under one cohesive political environment, and this kind of environments may have had a positive impact on other civilizations as well who collaborated in trade using the same routes. Khan also replaced cronyism with meritocracy, which was a plus.

This was decidedly not the case for Tamerlane, who seems to have had much less noble motivations. By certain accounts "Unlike Genghis Khan, however, Timur conquered not to open trade routes and protect his flanks, but to loot and pillage." Besides being a military genius, positive light in Tamerlane's corner seems to be rather sparse.

Obviously this is a comparison between two historic leaders that I don't know if anyone would have as candidates for the very best leaders of all time but my point here is that there are certainly some solid metrics by which leaders can be praised or denigrated. Was there a boom in the economy when a leader rose to power? Was that a coincidence or because of some economic reform they enacted? Was there a dramatic fall in crime? Did their rise to power result in a fertile environment of innovation and literary/artistic/philosophical/scientific achievements? and so on. We can use historical data in context along with the same metrics that we could use to judge leaders today.

Thank you for the input.

A great book on trusting your instincts is The Gift of Fear, that you might want to read/go over with them.

I also liked what another commenter said about emphasizing the positive sides of sexuality. Sex should be two people enthusiastically choosing to be together! Sex should be fun! Both people deserve to enjoy sexual activities!

Further, talking about other aspects of sexuality that can involve vulnerability, such as STIs, sharing of photos, etc, in the broader context of what makes a strong relationship (or even just a safe one-night-stand!) is great. I always recommend Scarleteen as a resource for parents & teenagers on a wide range of issues.

Hey boss. I pretty much went though the same exact thing you did a couple years ago. Dated a girl for 3 years while in college, thought I was going to marry her, ect. She broke it off for various reasons, and I literally thought I was going to die. I had no real social circle, much less any good friends. She was my entire emotional support network for so long and I had no idea what to do when she left. To make matters worse, she began sleeping with other (random) people almost immediately. Talk about soul crushing. It was a dark time in my life.

But you know what? It forced me to grow. I now have a great job, an awesome circle of friends and another great girlfriend who I live with. Here are some things I realized on my journey post-breakup.

• Nobody is responsible for your own happiness except for YOU. That girl owes you nothing. No explanation, no sympathy, nada. And she totally has the right to see/sleep with other people. The sooner you realize that only you can control your own happiness and actions the better off you'll be.
  
  
• Don't fall into the "Sunk cost fallacy" trap. (Look it up) Basically how this applies to relationships is thinking that you've wasted a quarter of your life on this girl, and letting it affect future decisions. DON'T THINK THAT. You were with her for a reason. You learned things from her, and will probably be a better person for it. That relationship is a sunk-cost at this point, don't let it affect your future.
  
  
• You're going to feel alone, confused, and hurt for while. And that's ok! You just had a major loss in your life. Let yourself feel emotional for a while. But make an effort to get out and experience new things. Meet new girls, hang with buddies, ect.
  
  
• She's probably hurting as much as you are. Don't believe for a second this guy she's with is Superman. She's only known him for a week! That's not nearly enough time to make a judgement about someone. She's still in her honeymoon phase with this dude, she had a four year relationship with you! And she might have just been saying he's so amazing to hurt you. Don't compare yourself to a guy you don't even know, you'll drive yourself nuts.
  
  Basically all I can say it, you're gonna be alright eventually. You're doing the right thing by breaking off contact with her. Maybe eventually you guys can be friends, but focus on YOU for now. Hit the gym, and hit on some girls. In terms of getting back into the dating scene, the book Models by Mark Manson is amazing. Its not a scummy PUA (pick-up artist) book, but really teaches you how to find self worth in dating women. For your anxiety/depression, learning to meditate really helped me. This book is good for learning how.
  
  Feel free to message me privately if you need any more help or clarification. I can also give some other book recommendations. Good luck!

Nerves of steel come from confidence and being above fear. Confidence comes from practice and competition. Being above fear comes from a lifestyle of conquering fears.

If you want to be more comfortable on the street, figure out exactly what you're afraid of and get better at it. Are you afraid he's going to hit you? Learn boxing or muay thai or bjj. Are you afraid he's going to yell at you? Learn debate skills.

My dad was a firefighter for a decade. His dad trained WW2 bomber pilots. I asked my dad how he kept calm on intense calls. He said he would rely on his training and took every problem as it came. You have no idea what the scene is going to look like on your way there, but you can trust that you're the best prepared one there, so everyone's depending on you to take charge and lead. Planning ahead is very important, but more important is staying in the moment.

Meditation works out that muscle. Staying in the moment is a muscle in your brain that you have to work out. What fear and anxiety is is you living outside of the moment. Fear is you trying to bring the past into the present. Anxiety is you trying to predict the future. Live in the moment and take shit as it comes. The more you can do that, the more you can relax into chaotic situations with confidence. Just do your best and know that that's all anyone can do in life. We can only do our best.

Another thing is your mindset for life. Always do your best. Always give your fullest. Figure out your core values and live to them every day of your life. If you can say every day that you did your fucking best, then you are going to be able to say "I am ready to die today" and you won't walk around terrified of death. Death is the root fear of all the fears. If you can conquer the fear of death, you will be very strong.

.

There's a lot more to this, I'm just kind of rambling off what comes to mind before I go to work. But this will get you started. I wish you all the best and I hope I've helped some.

Some good resources are Shambhala, The Art of Learning, On Becoming a Leader, Better Under Pressure, Leading at the Edge, Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, and then this interview with Rickson Gracie (one of the greatest fighters to ever walk the Earth).

For actual pregnancy, I loved the American college of obstetrics and gynecology's book and I know a lot of people loved the mayo clinic book.


Planning for Pregnancy, Birth And Beyond: Second Revised Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0525941401/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_PLZHAbPZ6V85C


Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy: From Doctors Who Are Parents, Too! https://www.amazon.com/dp/1561487171/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_tMZHAbRTF0RMQ


I also read what to expect when your expecting but it was a lot of the same info in my apps, except the actual birth and labor part. There was some helpful stuff in there!


For laboring I read Ina May's guide to Childbirth and I LOVED it. I feel SO prepared after reading it!


Ina May's Guide to Childbirth https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553381156/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_VNZHAbQ7T2S9D


I tried to read

Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452276594/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_HOZHAbRC89D39


But I couldn't take it seriously!


And for breastfeeding I read


The American Academy of Pediatrics New Mother's Guide to Breastfeeding (Revised Edition): Completely Revised and Updated Third Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399181989/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_9PZHAbSMPXVX9


And for baby feeding and sleeping I read


On Becoming Baby Wise: Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep https://www.amazon.com/dp/1932740139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_JQZHAbS5P7824

You are not alive so that you may entertain yourself as much as possible and then die. You are meant for more. The search for more- discovering, then rediscovering why you're here, what your gifts are, this will last your whole life.

Discipline helps you accomplish something. But you need to figure out what to accomplish. The good and bad news is nobody knows. This is yours, and everyone's internal journey.

Use your gifts, involve other people. Are you a good singer? Sing for others. Are you a good cook? Cook for others. Are you strong? Help people move. Are you smart? Create an app, invest wisely, cure a disease. Are you really good at shooting a rubber-band from your fingers? Make youtube videos about it. Perform for sick kids in hospitals. It doesn't matter how big or small your gifts are. Share them.

I will give you an example from my life. I'm in my early 30's. I'm a good writer and speaker. My goal in life is to help others feel less alone. My strong social senses are insight and empathy. I like making others laugh, I like challenging regularly accepted ideas and tinkering with fringe ideas. So- I write friends letters, emails, Facebook messages to connect with them. I write funny personal essays and read around my city/online. I exercise to be confident/attractive (enough) to the opposite sex. I volunteer at Special Olympics coaching soccer. I seek out people going through hard times and connect with them, look them in the eyes and allow them to be who they are. I volunteer at the skid row mission. All of this helps and strengthens my soul. But for money, I program. I chose programming because I can enter Flow states during it, so even though it's work and can often suck, it can be really rewarding. Read Flow and design aspects of your life around it: https://www.amazon.com/Flow-Psychology-Experience-Perennial-Classics/dp/0061339202. It's taken me my entire life to figure all of this stuff out about myself, and I'm still learning and growing. One day I may hate all of this.

Let me give you some examples of where I lack discipline: I wanted to write a book 5 years ago. I started it, never finished. Discipline will help me finish it, but knowing myself was what allowed me to know I had the ability to write and something worth saying. Also, some days I just play video games for 10 hours. I ignore everything. Discipline helps limit/reduce those days.

I want you to think about the idea of production and consumption. When you watch TV/Youtube, you are consuming. Reading a book, consuming. Eating pizza, consuming. If you make your parents spaghetti, you're producing. Paint a picture, producing. Arrange flowers into a bouquet and then give them to someone, producing. Find a good balance in your life between these things. Everyone is different. The fact that you wrote this post makes me think you're a little high on consumption and a little low on production. Decide how you're going to change, then use discipline to execute those changes.

First and foremost, 48 Laws of Power. It will show you 100+ ways other people have tried and where they failed and succeeded. It's a great introduction. Get this first.

A lot for these are free on gutenberg.org

Meditations - On being ethical and virtuous in a position of power.


33 strategies of war - A great companion to the 48 laws.

Art of war - Ancient Chinese text on war and power. All but covered in 48 laws.

Hagakure - Japanese text on war and power. All but covered in 48 laws.

On war - Military strategy from Napoleonic era. All but covered in 48 laws.

Rise of Theodore Roosevelt - Amazing book.

Seeking Wisdom from Darwin to Munger - Abstract thought models and logic patterns of highly successful people.

The Obstacle is the Way - Not labeled a book on power, more like thriving during struggle, which is important to a leader.

Machiavelli: The Prince - Pretty much the opposite of meditations. All but covered in 48 laws.


Also, here's a good TED talk on why power/civics is important to study: http://www.ted.com/talks/eric_liu_why_ordinary_people_need_to_understand_power?language=en


If you've gone over these and want something more specialized, I can probably help.

Are you planning on taking us over with force or charm?

I agree that therapy, both individual and couples, is WONDERFUL, and I think y'all should go for that if you have the time and money. When my husband and I were in school together and could take advantage of the "free" therapy, at one point we were both doing individual therapy AND couples therapy! :-P We can't afford to do that now (shitty insurance/not much income), but we do still work on ourselves and our relationship.

Four things that have helped me in my relationship with my husband, who's also an ACoN:

1. Know your sensitivities very well, and how it connects to your history with your family. Regarding knowing yourselves - in what particular ways did your parents injure you? Did you have similar roles in your families, or was one of you the GC and one of you the SG?
   
   
2. Communicate your sensitivities clearly (and in a calm moment) to one another. Not much learning can happen about one another when we're triggered, so if there's something important for my husband to know about me, I make sure to tell him after some calming-down time, and I ask him to do the same.
   
   
3. Something my therapist has encouraged me to do is explain the underlying feelings behind my actions (i.e. "I felt so sad because of X and that's why I said Y, I guess what I really needed in that moment was Z") - that has worked well in communicating effectively with my husband. Instead of attacking or defending, showing my vulnerability is A GOOD THING with my husband, which is the complete opposite of how to survive with N parents.
   
   
4. We've worked through reading a relationship book together. This one by Gottman is what we did, although we also wanted to read through Hold Me Tight, and perhaps we still will. It gives us a container for talking about these subjects, instead of relying on our arguments in the day-to-day.
   
   Hope that helps! Good for you guys for being self-aware and striving to work on your relationship.

What counts is spending your time you got here to the fullest. I get more satisfaction from improving in a truly competitive field with great accessibility.

The skills I learn are easily transferable to other parts of life. For instance I deal way better with heat of the moment situations when I used to be a person that would freeze. I learned how to instruct a group in a complex topics which actually got me a teaching job. Furthermore I learned how to analyse and dissect each and every thing I have trouble with based on the principles I aquired by watching the best gamers there are or the best educational streamers and applying their underlining principles. University hasn't taught me 1/10th of my critical thinking skills. The structure of becoming good at something are fundamentally the same (I recommend the Art of Learning by Josh Waitzkin)

I've also met people from every walk of life, ranging from an actual Sir, to Billionaires, to stand up comedians, to truly unique personalities from all over the world while picking up three languages other than my mothertongue. You know, while playing games and having a shit load of fun and having my competitive bone stroked which actually satisfies me that is. With some games, I can even do it on the road. On a reasonably low budget.

I played 11 years of competitive soccer and I can find no noticeable difference other than that I could be a little more in shape. There are however downsides soccer has which gaming does not.

It sounds like you're getting rejected before you even get a chance to establish your intent.

This is a wholly different problem than getting rejected after stating/establishing intent. Hell, you getting rejected itself is the only part of your question that matters.

I think this takes a lot about figuring out your approach. Judging by your past posts, you're new to all this and need to really find your footing in regards to the dating world. There are several components to doing this. For starters, note that being her friend is a different endgame than being her romantic partner. They are, 99% of the time, mutually exclusive. Disney and romcoms have brainwashed you into believing they overlap, but they don't. Get that shit out of your head. Here are some other tips.

• Work on how you present yourself. Groom well, dress well, walk/carry yourself well, and speak well. 87% of communication is nonverbal (something like that, I can't remember the exact number, but it's a ton, and yolo and shit), so it's very important to hone your NONverbal cues - arguable moreso than your verbal cues. A well dressed, tall-standing guy with a nice smile and smooth talking style will be received in a much better way than a scruffy, nervous, choppy-talking guy with all his lines right.
  
  tips for smooth speech
  
  talk with a deeper voice
  
  proper posture
  
  mensfashion subreddit
  
  
• If you're not already doing so, lift weights. This is by far the biggest thing you can do to change your physique. a built guy in a well-fitting hoodie is way hotter than a fat guy in an ill-fitting suit.
  
  fitness subreddit
  
  stronglifts 5x5 - for both routine and nutrition
  
  
• Meditate in order to calm your nerves. You're getting wrapped up in your own head and I'll bet your small talk comes off super nervous and unattractive. Ease your mind by training it through discipline. Try Headspace to do so.
  
  headspace
  
  meditation subreddit
  
  
• Understand the basics of verbal game. Lots of banter, lots of push-pull, always be advancing, etc.. There is tons on this sub in regards to that stuff, so seek it out and internalize it. Write notes in your phone and use new lines consistently to get a feel for your personal style of game.
  
  "what to say" post
  
  Models by Mark manson
  
  the shit test encyclopedia
  
  
• Note that this is NOT going to be a 100% game. You'll get rejected 99 out of 100 times at first, then 9/10, then at most 2/3 - but it's not as easy for guys as it is for girls. You will most likely never bed a majority of the women you talk to, and you have to be fine with this. Pump up your approach numbers - this in one of those things that you'll only get good at by consistently doing, understanding, revising, and implementing.
  
  resources exist for all of these things - I've tried to link the relevant ones but reddit's linking system takes forever. There's more as you dive into every topic.
  
  This covers the basics. I may just make this a post at this point, but this should give you more focus on building yourself into an attractive person. Good luck bro.
  
  edits for formatting

I'll share methods that worked for me personally. Feel free to ask me any questions, because I'm going to try to keep this brief (Edit: I failed), but am happy to expand on it if you're interested.

On an abstract level, I learned about C-PTSD and coping with it. This book helped tons. Basically I learned to identify triggers early and remind myself that, although my body was telling me I was in danger with a fight or flight reaction, I was in no actual danger and I was completely in control of my surroundings.

(Full Disclosure - I learned a lot of my triggers came from childhood experiences of a narcissistic parent intentionally triggering me at the dinner table and refusing me the ability to leave. So YMMV with the book.)

I leveraged the concept of neuroplasticity to re-wire my brain to respond to trigger noises as rewards instead of dread.

I'll give you the specific example of someone eating chips. It had gotten so bad for me that the rustling of the bag would trigger me because I knew what was coming. Then, just the sound of the pantry door would trigger me. I'd get stuck in this feedback loop of dreading what was coming, anticipating it, and then becoming hyper aware of it, so by the time it happened the sound was CONSUMING.

So I decided to associate that awful trigger with something positive. Initially I'd hear the chip bag and recognize I was triggered. Then I made the choice to say "Fuck Yeah, I love Chips. Give me some fucking chips!" So I'd have a snack as well.

When that started working, I expanded on it. If I was at work and someone started eating an apple, I'd give myself a break to do something I wanted to do. Go for a little walk. Browse reddit for a couple minutes. Look at some tits on gonewild. Whatever. The point was I started to associate trigger noises with rewards instead of punishment.

Once I learned how to break myself out of those thought loops, they started to get easier and easier to break out of. I got better at recognize being triggered early and turning the event into something positive before it got out of control.

I do admit, at first it was a little fake it till you make it, but eventually it started working. I realized that I was fighting it so hard I wouldn't remove myself form a triggering circumstance until I was too far gone, so I started doing it earlier and earlier and more and more gracefully. I started rewarding myself for awareness instead of punishing myself for being triggered in the first place. I became much more gentle with myself in general.

For example, If i'm in a meeting and someone brings in lunch, I'll excuse myself to the restroom the second I get anxious, go out and remind myself that I'm in control of this, and come back when I feel better. Eventually, just knowing I can leave if I want to became enough to keep me in shape.

For the first time in two decades, I can go to movies again with my wife, I can ride in a car with someone popping on gum, and I can sit at a dinner table without music on. It's been amazing.

Good luck guys, you can do it too!

I've also been dealing with depression. Mine was first diagnosed when I was 12, so it may be different than your situation, but I'm hoping that some of my experiences can help you.

I want to start by saying that I respect your choice to be medication-free during your pregnancy. Medication is not for everyone; it is an individual choice. However for me, medication is a big part of my treatment. Many women do not want to be on medication during pregnancy because there are worries about the safety of antidepressants for the unborn baby. I completely understand. If you think medication might be something you want to discuss with your doctor, however, a very valuable tool I found was Motherisk. They are based out of Sick Kids hospital in Toronto and gather information on the safety of various drugs during pregnancy. They also have information on OTC medications (cough & cold, NSAIDs, etc.) so I like it as a resource for things that are not directly tied to my depression.

I'm not sure what kind of therapy you are enrolled in, but Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can be very effective for treating and managing depression. You can ask your therapist if s/he is trained in this type of therapy, or if they can set you up with a referral. There are also books available which can teach you CBT skills, that you can either work through on your own or with a therapist. One book I found helpful was Mind Over Mood. It's a workbook that teaches you CBT skills, and gives you exercises to practice them.

Finally, perhaps it would help if you had a heart-to-heart with your husband about how you have been feeling. Tell him how much you love him and that he is an amazing person, but you are having difficulty with your depression right now. Tell him how you are feeling, and what he can do to be supportive of you during this time.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

FWIW antidepressants did nothing for me. I was on Zoloft for about a year to treat depression and anxiety. I experienced no noticeable change in my symptoms and the withdrawal while weening off it was terrible. Personally, I wouldn't recommend SSRIs to anyone.

What did end up helping me was meditation, exercise, improving my diet, and self-administered Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The evidence for CBT is pretty solid.

>CBT was somewhat superior to antidepressants in the treatment of adult depression.

-------------------

>Eleven studies compared response rates between CBT and other treatments or control conditions. CBT showed higher response rates than the comparison conditions in seven of these reviews and only one review reported that CBT had lower response rates than comparison treatments. In general, the evidence-base of CBT is very strong.

I have found success with using CBT methods myself using the book Mind Over Mood so I did not feel the need to work with a professional. However, it is clear to me that CBT would be easier and more effective if administered by a therapist.

Another potential route that a professional could assist with is getting a prescription to naltrexone or acamprosate, which have been shown to reduce cravings for alcohol.

>Both acamprosate and naltrexone are effective as adjuvant therapies for alcohol dependence in adults. Acamprosate appears to be especially useful in a therapeutic approach targeted at achieving abstinence.

-------------------------------------------

>Naltrexone increases control over alcohol urges and improves cognitive resistance to thoughts about drinking.

Antidepressants might work for some people, but there are a lot of other options out there as well that a professional could assist with. There is a great wiki page on /r/anxiety about how to go about finding a therapist/psychiatrist.

gettinghelp

There is no shame is asking for help. I had to work up a lot of courage to ask about zoloft and even though it didn't really help me, I'm glad that I tried it because it marked a commitment to getting better and it set me on a good path.

edit: added a little bit more.

Hey maybe this is a bit late to comment on, but I'm currently reading a book called The Willpower Instinct, since I'm also interested in willpower and ADHD. My current hypothesis/understanding is that willpower is possible with ADHD, but it's hard. It's easier with medication, but in my experience, you also have to be proactive, and practice willpower with medication.

Eventually (hopefully), this will slowly change the brain so that the new, good habits you implement won't require so much willpower anymore. Exercise, getting good sleep, eating right, and all that other healthy stuff helps too- and in my experience, mindfulness meditation is huge. Meditation helps me to pause a bit more before making decisions than I would normally, where I would just act automatically- or in other words, actually allows me to make a decision, and not just act on instinct haha.

First off, good for you for trying to overcome your own childhood trauma (and yes, emotional neglect is a trauma) and do things right for your family. I am on the same path.

This might sound really silly, but are you familiar with the kids tv show Daniel Tiger? It's a cartoon based off the old Mister Rogers show. The relationships and scenarios are a little more tidy than what you'd see in real life, but I honestly have improved my parenting by using the helpful tips and emulating the adult figures in that show.

There are several books I can think of that have helped me. I would suggest reading more than just parenting books... it's important to heal YOU. (I don't know the details of your childhood or any of the issues that affect you now, besides what you've mentioned, so some of these may not be applicable to your situation.)


http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Our-Children-Ourselves-relationships/dp/1887542329/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023157&sr=1-1&keywords=raising+our+children+raising+ourselves


http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023193&sr=1-1-spell&keywords=coependent+no+more


http://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023212&sr=1-1&keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving+by+pete+walker


http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023231&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk


http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Kids-Children-Control-Their/dp/0310243157/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023293&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries+with+kids

that last one is a little heavy with the religious quotes, HOWEVER, even I as an atheist found the book excellent and applicable, and the message very very different from most Christian parenting books. So if you're religious, great, if not, this is still an extremely helpful book. They have an original version written for adults too, which I have not read.


edit: I see you've already posted at the sub I suggested.

The Willpower Instinct is a great read if you're open to it. It's not very long and can help you understand your urges and habits which is the first step to getting more control over them, instead of them controlling you.

It sounds like what you're doing is emotional eating, and the best way to stop a bad habit is to replace it with a good/healthy habit that will increase your dopamine levels. Commit to something like light exercise each night, you can try out different youtube videos until you find ones you really like doing. If you aren't into exercising at night, try out some creative hobbies(knitting, drawing, photography, woodworking, etc). These help calm your mind and also increase dopamine levels. Ask your parents if they can stop buying special k for a few weeks if this is your comfort food. Be open with them about how you have been feeling, and they can help you too.

You've made a big first step reaching out for help and admitting that you don't want to do this anymore. Don't give up, even if you do it again one night. Just start over the next day and keep trying.

You're not being ridiculous. It sounds like he's... responding to you in a damaged way / caught in a negative automatic feedback loop / triggered by something in his past. It's not a healthy pattern for either of you.


Example of what may be going through his head, using your post below:

You: "hey, did you do XYZ chore?"
Him: "no"
You: "oh, okay. I'll do it after I get changed."


He may have been assuming you were going to get mad at him after he said "No", because (in his past) people have gotten mad at him when he didn't do something. When you said that you'd do it after you got changed, he may also have thought "Oh, now she's not only calling me lazy / forgetful / whatever people called him in the past, she's also saying I'm incompetent / incapable / stupid / unable to do this task" (working off his "old" mental script), and exploded.


By the time he stopped reacting emotionally and could think rationally again (cools down enough to apologize), he's probably feeling guilty (apologetic), and apologizes. But when you're not immediately okay, he probably takes it personally as a sign that you're still mad at him. ("I apologized, why is she still upset? Why isn't anything I do enough for her?") and blows up again.


I have a similar response as you do (I need time to cool down). These are some of the strategies that I've used to break this type of cycle:


Instead of saying: "hey, did you do XYZ chore?"
Try: "Hey, when was the last time we XYZ chore'd?" or "Have we XYZ chore'd lately?" ("When was the last time we washed the dishes?" or "Have we washed the dishes lately?" - this asks for the same information - when was XYZ last executed - but using "we" instead of "you" reinforces that you two are a team, while making the question less accusatory / personal to him.)


Instead of saying: "oh, okay. I'll do it after I get changed."
Try: "Oh, okay. I wanted to finish XYZ tonight / tomorrow / <some period of time>, because <reason>. I can't do it because <other reason>. Would you help me XYZ ?" This makes it clear when and why you wanted to have XYZ done, why you aren't doing it yourself, and lets him choose whether or not to help. (If he's a good guy, and it's his usual chore, he'll likely say yes.) )


Instead of leaving:
First, try saying: "I think we're both upset right now; I need to take a walk / go to <location> to relax and clear my head. Can we take a quick break and talk about this in <some unit of time>?" This makes it clear what you are doing, and (more importantly) when you'll be back and ready to talk. Overestimate the amount you need; he'll probably be happy to see you if you come back early, but more upset if you come back late.


If he starts interrogating you when you leave:
Try: "I can see you're upset; I'm upset too. I really need to go <location / activity> to calm down and clear my head. I will be back by <time>. Let's talk about <first reason for the fight> then. I'd also like to know why my <going to location / activity> is so upsetting to you - when I get back, can we talk about that too?" This acknowledges his distress / separation anxiety and makes it clear it is important to you, while emphasizing your own needs.


If he gets upset that you're not immediately bouncing back after an argument:
Try: "Yes, we're good - I'm not mad at you anymore. However, my body's still flooded with adrenaline and it takes me a while to cool down. I should be back to normal in <x period of time>. I'm not ready to cuddle right now, but <some activity> together would help me feel better." This gives him some idea of how long you'll be in the upset-state, a path forward for him to make it up to you (that also would actually help you feel better), and reassurance that your relationship is okay using a make-up ritual. (ex: "I'm not ready to cuddle right now, but getting some ice cream / playing Mario Kart / watching some Game of Thrones / seeing XYZ chore done would make me feel better.") (He's probably used to relationships where the other person cuddles / kisses as part of their make-up ritual, and assumes that because you're not cuddly / kissy, it's not a real "make-up" and you're still mad. That's why communicating your discomfort, with a timeline, and giving him an alternative "make-up ritual" is important - so he can identify and get used to a new normalcy signal.)


It's basically communicating your needs / points of view, in a way that is not threatening / personally directed towards him. I found this book to be very helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034/

Absolutely no issues with flying during pregnancy. Some airlines restrict pregnant women from flying past ~36 weeks, but I think that's because they don't want you going into labor in their airplane cabin at 32,000 feet. After getting thru security, buy a bottle of water for your wife. I was on a 2-hour flight over Christmas and was dying of thirst waiting for the drink cart to come down the aisle. Also, give her the aisle seat if possible so she can walk the aisles periodically to keep the blood moving and access the bathroom quickly if needed.

As for books, I've read a lot of good ones. I've liked the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy, and Elisabeth Bing's Six Practical Lessons for an Easier Childbirth and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth for info on labor and delivery, and The Happiest Baby on the Block and the Wonder Weeks for infant care. Also The Birth Partner is a great book on delivery for both pregnant women and husbands. If you can find a secondhand bookstore near you, check it out--a lot of people sell off these types of books once they're done with them.

Reaching out is a great step to getting better. I have been in your shoes to the T. I'm sure if your social anxiety is as debilitating as you say it is it must be very hard just to reach out for help, so good for you.
I imagine my anxiety as a tiger, when it was a little cub, it would meow and beg for food and I would feed it without any thought. As it got older, it grew in strength and intimidation. At some point it became so strong and terrifying and it would growl at me I had no choice to feed it, for fear would eat me. It is a long process but you have to starve your tiger, and re learn how to confront social situations. You have to get out there and connect with people. Try social anxiety group therapy, [you can find free and low cost sessions] (http://group-therapy.meetup.com/cities/us/co/denver/)
Depression is a whole other animal, I've seen a few therapists and psychiatrists, there are many schools of thought on treatment, one revolves around working on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. There is a fantastic book that is a no-nonsense approach to CBT all on your own written by psychologists who treat manic depression. It has helped me that I'd suggest you go to a library and get: Mind Over Mood . Meditation can change your life and health in so many ways: imagine being particularly down in one moment and realizing that you could escape all of those feelings for just a brief moment of relief, meditation can accomplish this and help you in the long term. /r/Meditation. Everyone else gave great links, here are some more: [How to replace a lost Social Security card] (http://ssa-custhelp.ssa.gov/app/answers/detail/a_id/251/~/replace-a-social-security-card-for-an-adult) ... also free resources for mental health care in Colorado [here] (http://www.mhacolorado.org/hostsites?submenuheader=0). Hope the best for you. Keep asking for help if you need to.

Owned

Personal/family/divorce past: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/4lew12/postdivorce_perspective_part_2/ . Owned and CLOSED. There will be no more discussion of some of my personal topics never ever.

Me as ACA / listening to my instincts. OWNED. There were some people in my life that I did not trust at all. They're out.

Health/fitness: gym - owned. Sugar addiction - owned, I overate and ate sugar in the past days, I created a journal to keep track on this, I realized at the gym that the sugar really makes me way weaker than I was, I realized that I feel "down" after eating sugar. Rationalization - why not, but rationalizations work too sometimes (like Allen Carr's book on smoking).

Family (divorced) and my sick narcissistic head: owned - I did not went into any conflicts this week, not that I did not want to. Plans for the next week - owned too.

Money: started selling electronics, thinking about starting some projects with "work B" for extra monies, I feel like I'm getting there.

Flat: clean, but there are still things to sort out. Flat is owned, because I keep it tidy. Still needs organizing though.

Me as PUA: finished this one https://www.amazon.com/Practical-Female-Psychology-Man-ebook/dp/B00RR6RNO6 , started this one: https://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24 . Told FWB that I am not planning to be exclusive, brought some drama, but as a result I felt GREAT because perhaps for the first time in my life I was absolutely honest with the woman and with myself. Asked out a girl that I really liked - perhaps for the first time in my life too I'm going after my instincts, my heart, if a specific woman is what I want, I should open her, I SHOULD LET THE FUCKING ADVENTURE OF LIFE HAPPEN and stop being all the time in control and in fear.

Not owned

Money: my income should be bigger.

Body fat: should be lower.

There are specific red things on my MAP, that I added this week, but I'm not going into details, I'd rather save some time to get them done.

Thanks, MRP.

I love the crap out of books. One of life's greatest joys is learning and books are such an excellent way to do it.

Business books you should read:

• Zero To One by Peter Thiel - Short, awesome ideas and well written.
  
  
• My Startup Life by Ben Casnocha. Ben's a super sharp guy. Learn from him. He started a company in his teens. He was most recently the personal 'body man' for Reid Hoffman (founder of LinkedIn)
  
  
• The Lean Startup by Eric Reis - Fail fast and fail early. Build something, test, get feedback, and refine.
  
  Non Business Books (That Are Essential To Business
  
  
• Money Master The Game by Tony Robbins - I am a personal finance Nerd Extraordinaire and I thought Tony Robbins was a joke. Boy was I wrong. Hands down the best personal finance book I've ever read. Period.
  
  
• Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Ever seen Gladiator? This is the REAL Roman Emperor behind Russel Crowe's character. This book was his private diary.
  
  
• Man's Search For Meaning by Victor Frankl - Hands down one of the most profound and moving books ever written. Victor was a psychologist and survived the Nazi training camps
  
  As a way of background I have newsletter where I share proven case studies of successful entrepreneurs. I outline step by step how they made money and got freedom from their day job. If you’re interested let me know and I can PM you the link to the newsletter or if you have any questions.

It sounds to me that your GF might have impossible standards for communication from you. That no matter what you do you are going to do it wrong because the real problem is not with your communication but her not wanting to hear it.

There is two parts to communication. There is the communication of information and the reception of information. All your effort has been focused on your ability to communicate information to your GF, but it sounds like the real problem might lie in your GF's willingness to receive the information. You already know that your anxiety of communicating information to her is rational. For your communication to ever be effective she is going to have to do her part of it as well.

Most of the time when communication fails all the people in the conversation are at fault.

She needs to take an active role in your communication, and not just blame you when it fails. She has to create a safe place for you to communicate in by encouraging communication and not punishing it. She does this by asking question and engaging in the conversation. She does this by using active listening. She does this by using non-aggressive, non-defensive, non-confrontational language when she engages in the conversation.

I would highly recommend that both of you pick up a copy of these two books and read them, in this order:

The Usual Error - This is a foundational book on communication. It will cover some basics.

Nonviolent Communication - this book describes an advanced communication technique that will help both of you use better language to communicate without becoming defensive or confrontational in your communication.

There is nothing wrong with you. Many, many otherwise everyday people enjoy getting spanked, controlled, and more during sex. There are also many great people who love to spank, etc., though they are less common.

There is a whole world of "kinky" sex you may wish to explore and a good next step for you may be The New Bottoming Book by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton. It is a great resource for those who like what you like and can help frame and inform your lifestyle.


--
San Francisco Sex Information (SFSI) provides free, confidential, accurate, non-judgmental information about sex and reproductive health. You can reach us by e-mail (ask-us@sfsi.org) or by phone (415-989-SFSI).